Relationships | Live Happy

Redefining Love

A year after looking out a coffee-shop window and seeing the man in the pink tank top, Liza Baritt remembers him vividly: “This guy came along on roller skates, just singing his heart out,” she says. They locked eyes. “We sort of giggled, and he waved and smiled. I felt joyful, just totally amused, completely and utterly so glad I had that moment.” Then he skated on by. Liza, a psychotherapist and yoga teacher in Brookfield, Wisconsin, hasn’t seen the man since. And yet, to her, their flash of communion was right up there with many she has enjoyed with family, friends and romantic partners. It was, in her word, “love.” Love is all around While that might seem odd, Liza is part of a growing contingent who reject the notion that love is all about sex and soul mates, or the bonds you share with your nearest and dearest. Instead, they see love as “that micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another living being,” a concept introduced by Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D., author and leading researcher in the positive psychology movement, in her book Love 2.0. Such moments can—and should—bloom often with your spouse, your parents and your child, she says, but they’re just as possible with a casual acquaintance or stranger. Your dry cleaner or barista, say. That woman who smiled at you from across the subway aisle. Vitamin L “It’s about connecting with people on a human level and…wishing them well or just sharing something positive,” says Barbara, a professor and director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. “That is a pretty low bar for love, and I think that most people could meet that to the extent that they’re engaged in social interaction at all.” Connecting with others is as crucial to your wellbeing as food, sleep or exercise, Barbara says. Scientific studies suggest that feeling warm and fuzzy has a positive effect on your heart, brain, bodily processes, even your life span. Think of it as “Vitamin L.” And getting a dose may be easier than you think. A new look at love For some, redefining love brings a sense of release. “It’s liberating to let go of those old beliefs—‘I have to be in a relationship to have love’ or ‘I have to be a parent to feel love,’ ” says Liza, who was recently divorced. “It’s liberating to think I can go to a yoga class by myself and have some of the same emotions or connections that I might get from sex with a partner or interaction with children I’ve created, so it gives people a lot more options, to be sure.” Identifying these options and opportunities as “love” will also make us less prone to dismiss them, Barbara says. “We tend to trivialize day-to-day interactions with strangers, and yet we put love up on a pedestal as being one of the most important parts of life." That warm fuzzy feeling “When we only think of love as a status, like on Facebook, we’re missing a more fine-grained understanding of what creates our most important relationships in our life, and also what kind of fundamental ingredients in those most important relationships can be experienced in any human connection," says Barbara. "Scientific studies suggest that feeling warm and fuzzy has a positive effect on your heart, brain, bodily processes, even your life span." However, even Barbara doesn’t always use the word “love.” When describing how connection unfolds, for example, she chooses the term “positivity resonance,” explaining that this dance of brain and body has three parts. Dance of brain and body First, you and someone else share one or more positive emotions. Maybe you’re both amused at something one of you just said or did (think of Liza’s singing skater) or delighted at something you both experienced (hearing a new song or watching your favorite team score a goal). Next, a striking synchrony kicks in. You make eye contact and, sensing real friendliness, you start mirroring each other’s smiles and gestures. If you’re having a conversation, you both lean in and nod more often. From "me to "we" Research shows that your brains begin to tango; a study at Princeton University discovered that when subjects listened closely to a recorded story told by a stranger, their own brain activity closely resembled that of the storyteller, which had been measured when the recording was made. Last but not least, says Barbara, you and the other person begin to care more about each other—to shift your focus from “me” to “we.” Cultivating love Getting on someone else’s wavelength isn’t always easy, of course. If you’re sad or scared, for instance, it can be hard to mind-meld with others. Ditto if you’re feeling bad about yourself. Plus, modern life throws up endless roadblocks to love. We’re all busier than ever, and even when we’re surrounded by people, we’re also surrounded by endless distractions from our phones, tablets and televisions. Hugging and hand holding have been found to lower stress-induced spikesin blood pressure and raise levels of oxytocin, the famous “love hormone.” “You have to choose again and again to connect” with family, friends and strangers, says Megan McDonough, CEO of the Wholebeing Institute in Hardwick, Massachusetts. “We don’t find love. We cultivate it.” How do you seed your life with loving moments? Experts have plenty of ideas: Practice meditation and other forms of mindfulness. Our fast-paced society can make it hard to truly pay attention to others, Megan notes. Practicing a mindfulness technique “is basically training us to be more fully present, so when we are with someone, we’re paying more attention.” And of course, when we pay attention, it’s easier to connect. Make a point of spending relaxed, unstructured time together—no screens allowed. Years ago, when Boriana Zaneva would visit her native Bulgaria, her mother resented it when she left the house to see friends. Now Boriana, a positive psychology consultant in Boston, tries harder to show her “openness to savor that time” with her mother. “When you’re coming into that place with that intention to connect, to create the space for that positive resonance, it just happens.” The result: along with plates of tomatoes, lamb and feta, the two women have shared countless helpings of love. These days when Boriana visits friends, she says, her mother no longer acts clingy, “because now she has my full attention when we’re together.” Keep it simple. When meeting someone new, Kristin Humbargar, a life-learning and leadership coach in Underhill, Vermont, begins with eye contact, followed by “just smiling and saying hello and asking how their day was.” This led to a recent exchange with a doorman during a visit to Brooklyn, New York. Kristin and the doorman discussed topics ranging from New York’s 9/11 memorial to his dreams for the future. They swapped email addresses, vowed to keep in touch (which they have) and hugged goodbye. Such interactions “resonate with you for the rest of the day,” Kristin says. “Everything is a little brighter. There is, in fact, a kind of afterglow—or maybe even a hint of euphoria.” Use technology wisely. Not all screen time is isolating, points out Liza, the Wisconsin psychotherapist. Now that she’s in a long-distance relationship, she has discovered Skyping: “Skype is the closest you can get to being in the same room—and sometimes it’s closer.” Unlike certain times when you’re actually together, “you’re really looking at them, really focusing on them, not walking away or trying to do dishes or fold laundry.” Remember the power of touch. Sure, sex can be great, but nonsexual touch may be just as important. Hugging and hand holding, for instance, have been found to lower stress-induced spikes in blood pressure and raise levels of oxytocin, the famous “love hormone.” Kristin can vouch for all the above. “My husband will hug me and look me straight in my eye, and all of a sudden I get this giggly, giddy feeling; it feels so good,” she says. Whenever her 10-year-old daughter is anxious, “we’ll play this game where I’ll rub her arms or give her a hug, and we’ll do this little chant and we’ll say, ‘Oxytocin, oxytocin, oxytocin!’ ”Voilà: mother and daughter both feel more relaxed. Smile to yourself. To prime himself for positive exchanges with others, Braco Pobric smiles each morning when his alarm goes off. Widely. “Research shows that will give me a little dopamine,” says Braco, an author in Hamilton, New Jersey, and the chief happiness officer of the Institute for Advanced Human Performance. Dopamine is a “feel-good” hormone and neurotransmitter associated with the brain’s reward system that naturally makes us feel happy.This does not mean, however, that you should plaster on a grin when encountering others, Barbara cautions, or deliberately mirror others’ gestures, as such attempts often come across as forced. It’s better to work at solo exercises that, over time, will help you feel more of the genuine sentiments that yield natural smiles, nods and so forth. Walk. Cook. Dance. Ski. Data show that shared movements resulting from positivity resonance make it more likely that a relationship will take root. Getting active together can also help long-term relationships continue to flower. Oxytocin: the chemistry of love What creates all this synchrony and sympathy? One key player is oxytocin. You may already know that oxytocin gets released at intimate moments—during sex, say, or while a mother breastfeeds a baby. But studies imply it’s also pivotal during other moments of connection, whether with people we know or with strangers. At the University of Zurich, for instance, test subjects were given real money to invest. Those who inhaled an oxytocin spray beforehand—rather than a placebo—were much more likely to entrust a fellow participant with all their cash. Oxytocin helps us detect signs of genuine goodwill and respond with our own. It soothes us and helps us let down our guard. Calm and connect Just as vital to these moments is your vagus nerve, which links your brain with organs including your heart. Working with oxytocin, the vagus directs the “calm and connect response”—the opposite of “fight or flight.” It slows your heartbeat and “stimulates tiny facial muscles that better enable you to make eye contact and synchronize your facial expressions with another person. It even adjusts the minuscule muscles of your middle ear so you can better track the other person’s voice against any background noise,” according to Barbara. As many of the above stories make clear, this mental and physical pas de deux can produce intense pleasure. But more than that, it may work wonders for your health. Love shortage a danger to your health Loneliness is just as deadly as smoking, obesity and other dire factors, concluded researchers at Brigham Young University in a meta-study of 148 smaller studies. That’s no surprise, says John Cacioppo, Ph.D., a University of Chicago psychologist who has researched social connection and isolation. When you feel lonely, he says, your body produces more of the stress hormone cortisol. Over time, this glut of cortisol “increases organ wear and tear.” “It might cost me a heart attack,” he says. “It might lead to increased risk of cancer in another individual.” Lonely people are also more prone to depression, poor sleep, high blood pressure, major strokes, chronic inflammation and Alzheimer’s disease, he says. Love gives immediate results The good news is that when you start to connect more with others, your health improves—in some ways immediately. Feeling less lonely on a given day can, for example, boost your mood right away and enhance your sleep that very night, John says. Overcoming such chronic problems as inflammation takes longer, but even a couple of months of better connections can make a real difference, Barbara says. In a two-month study she did with then-student Bethany Kok, Ph.D., people who reported feeling more “positivity resonance” each day improved in “cardiac vagal tone.” This involves the vagus nerve and has been linked to such perks as healthier glucose and inflammation levels. In addition, Barbara explains, people with high vagal tone are more adept at focusing their attention and controlling their emotions and, as you might expect, better at connecting with others. Data show that shared movements resulting from positivity resonance make it more likely that a relationship will take root. Getting active together can also help long-term relationships continue to flower." Making more connections Research conducted on the brains of new parents suggests connection does in fact breed more connection. Scientists at the University of Michigan, the University of Denver and elsewhere have found that attentive moms and dads undergo “remodeling” of several brain structures during their babies’ early weeks. This is crucial to future bonding with their children as well as the children’s capacity for social interaction, says James Swain, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan. Just what triggers these brain changes remains unknown, but plenty of researchers think any positive connection between people—from lovers to strangers—may cause similar shifts in neural circuitry, James says. Bringing the research to life Kristin, the learning and leadership coach, doesn’t need science to prove to her that love brings more love. As she’s fostered more moments of connection with everyone from that doorman to her daughters, she says, she has found herself craving such moments more. In turn, the payoffs of those connections have grown. “There’s that awareness of [connection] and that experience of it, and the next time you have it, it doubles. It sort of exponentially expands.” Gaëlle Desbordes, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at Harvard Medical School, also knows how connecting with others can change you. She used to be shy in a roomful of strangers, she says. But spurred by her own meditation practice, she has become much more outgoing—and that, in turn, has given her “a more optimistic worldview.” Instead of feeling threatened by new faces, she has come to believe that most people are good and generous. At professional conferences, she now longs to meet others and hear their stories. “There’s a great sense of safety and trust in people in general,” she says. Onward and outward As you share love with those around you, you may be accomplishing more than you realize. Not only does each person you connect with get the benefits of “positivity resonance,” but those benefits—chemical surges and the rest—may well lead them to connect with more people, sending ripples of goodwill and oxytocin far beyond your social circle. Emotional and physical health are contagious, according to Barbara. “Indeed, studies of actual social networks show that, over time, happiness spreads through whole communities.” Which is, Gaëlle says, exactly as it should be. “We are social animals. We love to connect, to be part of a community.” Fear of bonding with others is usually a barrier we impose, based on negative experiences in our past, she says. “Once we remove that barrier, we are finally touching base with our true nature.”

relationships

Power of the Page

Back in the day, unless you were taking a literature class, you did your reading and analyzing pretty much on your own. Then in the 1990s, suddenly everyone and their mother (especially their mother) joined clubs where people read the same books and gathered to share opinions and one-pot dishes.This easily could have been a passing fad of the time, but book clubs stuck around to become an important part of the culture—especially women’s culture.Oprah’s book clubOprah elevated the concept when she began her televised book club on Sept. 17, 1996, on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Beginning with her first pick, author Jacquelyn Mitchard's novel The Deep End of the Ocean, nearly every book Oprah touched turned into a bestseller and often was made into a movie.Oprah’s influence on the book-reading world was immense, and publishers certainly took notice, adding suggested book club questions and interviews with authors to the ends of many novels.What makes them so popular?But Oprah’s contribution to the form doesn’t fully explain the lasting power and popularity of the book club. For many women, that monthly get-together with friends over a book and a glass of Pinot has become an indispensable source of support—a place to exchange information and an outlet for emotions.More than attending a casual get-together or a scholarly seminar, it turns out that belonging to a book club can affect our wellbeing in several ways. In addition to exercising some of the brain cells many of us have kept dormant since college (or since having kids), apparently, “Joining a group that meets just once a month produces the same increase in happiness as doubling your income,” journalist David Brooks wrote in The New Yorker.Reading happiness“I absolutely feel that my book club brings a huge amount of happiness to my life,” says Jen Heller, a writer from Boston. “It blends the comforting continuity of regularly scheduled time with friends with the adventure of a new reading experience every month.”Adds Heller, “Women in general are in search of human connection, and it enriches our lives to be part of a community where we—and our ideas about life and literature—are always welcomed.”A source of strength and supportBook clubs have become modern versions of the consciousness-raising groups of the 1970s.According to Judy Gelman and Vicki Levy Krupp, authors of The Book Club Cookbook, book clubs have “become sources of strength and support in the face of illness or other personal tragedy. They are a place to celebrate a new baby, a marriage, a promotion, or a graduation. And for many, they simply represent a refuge from the demands of work and home, a place to catch one’s breath.”Connecting with other peopleNurse practitioner Jane Parker of St. Paul, Minnesota, calls her book club, “a built-in focus group.” Launched in 1998—and still going strong—Parker’s club is a place in which “we’ve seen each other through births, deaths, divorces, child-related heartaches, marriages, grandchildren and everything in-between.”Connecting to people going through similar life experiences, such as raising a baby, was one reason Jolina Petersheim, a Tennessee-based novelist, joined.“Book clubs are so popular for women because they provide an outlet for intellectual conversation, beyond the best brand of diapers and the Moby wrap versus the Ergo carrier,” she says. “Plus, sometimes it’s nice just to read a book where the text doesn’t rhyme!”

Workplace

5 Steps to Establishing Clear Boundaries at Work

Live Happy blogger, best-selling author and workplace wellbeing coach MichelleMcQuaid presents this series of interviews entitled "Show Up, Shine and Succeed." This is the last of five insightful, informative posts, each with a differentpositive psychology expert speaking on topics related to happiness, confidence and success in the workplace.Do you have trouble saying “no” to people at work? Many of us find setting boundaries to be a challenge.Yes, I can take on that extra project, although my days are already too full. Yes, I can have that difficult conversation, even though it’s your responsibility and not mine.Yes, I can work over the weekend, even though my family and friends had plans.Sound familiar ?“Learning to set and keep clear boundaries with your boss and colleagues is essential if you want to remain happy and productive at work,” explains best-selling author and productivity coach Valorie Burton.Click here to listen to the full podcast.“Boundaries are a definition. Think of it like owning a house; your property has a specific boundary around that property. Everything inside the boundary is your responsibility, and what’s outside is not,” suggests Valorie.“When we begin to blur those lines, we find ourselves in situations that become very frustrating.”Setting boundaries means learning when to say no. It means asking for the respect we want, and balancing our needs and responsibilities. Valorie recommends trying these five steps to effectively setting boundaries at work:1. Establish your boundariesStart by asking yourself, what are the boundaries you need to protect your own happiness at work. Try to clearly envision what it would be like if these boundaries were respected and gracefully enforced. Ask yourself: “What does that give me? How does it feel when I am operating at my optimal potential?”Then notice the areas where you currently feel frustrated, stressed or overwhelmed, and how, when and by whom these boundaries are being crossed.2. Challenge the stories that hold you backWhen it comes to setting boundaries, we often catastrophize about the consequences of saying ‘no’ to other people at work. It takes a lot of courage to sit down with your boss and say, “I need to do this differently. Can we talk this through?” What if it upsets them, or even puts your job at rish? Ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I do?” Make the space for self-reflection and write out what you need to say this person to help you feel more confident about honoring the boundaries you require to maintain your happiness and success at work.3. Start with one conversationDon't try to set all your boundaries at once. Take it one conversation at a time and practice identifying, asking for and keeping a boundary. Notice what works, adjust what doesn’t and keep moving forward to make these conversations an effective part of the way you work.4. Enforce your boundariesCreate a plan of action for what will happen when your boundaries are crossed. Be sure to compassionately let people know when you feel your boundaries are not being respected (most people will mean no malice, but may be unaware of the impact their behavior is having on you). Communicate clearly what choices you will need to make in order to honor the boundaries you’ve set to ensure you can successfully support yourself, your team and your organization.5. Pay attention to what worksWhen you begin progressing and setting better boundaries, give yourself credit for each step forward. You’ll find, just like a baby learning to walk, from time to time you may stumble. Setting boundaries takes practice so give yourself permission to keep learning and growing knowing that this is a skill vital for your success and happiness.For more ways to approaches to set boundaries successfully at work be sure to visit Valorie’s website at www.valorieburton.com and check out her wonderful books for creating happiness at work and in life.And if you’d like more tested, practical ways to show up, shine and succeed at work visit https://www.showupshineandsucceed.com.

Workplace

Do You Have The Grit To Create Lasting Success?

Live Happy blogger, best-selling author and wellness coachMichelleMcQuaidpresents a series of interviews entitled "Show Up, Shine and Succeed." This is the third of five insightful posts. Each podcast/interview features a differentpositive psychology expert, all speaking on topics related to happiness, confidence and success in the workplace. Do you have the passion and perseverance necessary to create a successful career?Researchers have found when it comes to successfully achieving our long-term goals, there’s one quality that distinguishes us most: grit. “Gritty individuals approach the journey to mastery like a marathon rather than a sprint, and this fuels their stamina to practice their talents over and over and over again,” explains Angela Duckworth, associate professor of psychology at University of California at Riverside. Click here to listen to the full podcast. Angela defines grit as the tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward longterm goals. It entails working consistently toward challenges and being able to maintain interest and effort over time, despite failures, setbacks and plateaus in progress. Whereas most of us take disappointment or boredom as signals that it might be time to cut our losses, people with grit take these signs as the moment when they need to stick with it and truly show up. Her researchhas established the predictive power of grit to determine successful outcomes. While much is still being learned about the subject, Angela suggests three things you can do to improve your level of grit: 1. Be Meaningfully Interested Make sure your longterm goal is based around something that is interesting and meaningful to you. Professor William Damon at Stanford University has found that when we find something personally interesting, and it’s meaningful to the world beyond ourselves, we are able to connect passion with action. It motivates us, providing a sense of purpose and energy, and preventing burnout. 2. Cultivate a growth mindset In recent research with Professor Carol Dweck from Stanford University, Angela has found that grit is positively correlated with the belief that we can improve our talents and abilities. Having a “growth mindset” is one of the cognitive antecedents that makes you more inclined to be gritty because it cultivates the belief that things can improve, that failure is not permanent and that there is a reason to persist. 3. Ask for support Rely on other people around you who can hold you accountable to your goals and ensure you don’t quit in the face of frustration or discouragement. When you study the trajectories of top performers, you see that there were times when they stumbled and doubted themselves. It wasn’t always easy for them, and in many cases, they relied on others to help them get through the toughest times. As Woody Allen once noted, “Eighty percent of success in life is showing up.”And while the number 80 percent does not come from academic research, Angela does agree that for many endeavors, if you can just persist and keep showing up, you will eventually overcomes many of the obstacles in your path. You can test your levels of grit in Angela’s research lab at sites.sas.upenn.edu/duckworth. And if you’d like more tested, practical ways to show up, shine and succeed at work visit showupshineandsucceed.com.

Workplace

5 Steps to a More Courageous You

Live Happy blogger, best-selling author and workplace wellbeing coach MichelleMcQuaid presents this series of interviews entitled "Show Up, Shine and Succeed." This is the second of five insightful, informative posts. Each podcast/interview features a differentpositive psychology expert, all speaking on topics related to happiness, confidence and success in the workplace.At work, are you more driven by what inspires you or what scares you?Margie Warrell, best-selling author and coach, puts it this way: “ ‘For the sake of what?’ are you willing to speak up at work, transition your career, start a new business or take on a big job?” All of these things involve risk; what would motivate you to take on that kind of risk? Once you identify that, you can find the courage to make those changes.Fear keeps us small and stuck in jobs that don’t fulfill us, but make us feel safe. But is there really anything safe about living a life in which you feel disengaged, disillusioned or desperate to be doing something else?“In order for you to get outside your comfort zone and stop playing small and safe, you need to have a clear purpose,” said Margie, when I interviewed her recently.Click here to listen to the full podcast.Feel the fear and do it anyway“Courage isn’t the absence of fear,” explains Margie. “Rather, courage is action in the presence of our fears and self-doubts.”When we act by starting with small steps over time, we become more courageous. Our fears don’t run our lives, and we’re much more driven by what inspires us than by what scares us.However, we tend to overestimate the probability that something will go wrong and underestimate our ability to handle the consequences of risk. These factors drive us to avoid the actions we really need to take—not stick ourselves out there and speak up.‘For the sake of what?’There is a big difference between being well off and having wellbeing. It’s easy to mislead ourselves that if we just had the success we wanted, it would be simple to develop our strengths—to show up and shine in ways that truly matter.But that actually works in reverse. Only when you can answer “for the sake of what” clearly will you be willing to put yourself at risk, truly courageous and as purposeful and successful as you can be.According to Margie, taking the following steps will help you to stop playing safe and find the courage to do what really matters to you at work:1. Be aware of your impactBecome aware of the impact you have on others simply by the spirit you bring to what you do. You may not be living out your greatest passion each day. But if you bring a spirit of engagement to what you do, you show others that what you do each day matters.2. Understand what drives youWhy would you bother to speak up at work, start a new career or take on a new job? What would it take for you to risk leaving your comfort zone? Once you identify that “why,” you will have the clear-eyed determination to go for it. 3. Find your purposeDiscover the intersection of your talents, passions, values and skills so that what you do every day is meaningful. There may be things you are passionate about, but you might lack relevant skill at the moment. Or there may not be an opportunity—or perhaps if you pursued this passion as a vocation, it might compromise the family stability you value.Purpose is rarely about all or nothing. Rather, it’s about finding an intersection between what you’re good at and care about with value and need in the marketplace. That intersection creates opportunities to combine them.4. Cultivate a courage mindsetEmbrace the discomfort that comes with feeling vulnerable by doing things that expose you to failure. As you become more certain what you want to do with your life, don’t start by taking on Mount Everest. Courage builds, so start where you are and do something today that stretches you. When you encounter setbacks, pick yourself up and figure out what the next step should be. It's also important to surround yourself with others who are courageous, conscious and committed—people who lift you up instead of pull you down.5. Tame your inner criticWe all have a voice inside our head that say, “Who are you to do that? You’re not good enough. What will people say if you fail?” Try saying, “Thank you very much. I know you’re trying to protect me ... Now be quiet, I’m going to take this risk anyway.”Find more practical strategies to help implement these ideas in Margie’s best-selling book Stop Playing Safe and at margiewarrell.com.And if you’d like more tested, practical ways to show up, shine and succeed at work visit showupshineandsucceed.com.

Workplace

5 Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt

Live Happy blogger, best-selling author and workplace wellbeing coach Michelle McQuaidpresents this series of interviews entitled "Show Up, Shine and Succeed." This is the first of five insightful, informative posts, each featuring a different positive psychology expert.Do you ever find yourself hesitating, holding yourself back at work for fear that you’ll be discovered as an imposter? Do you worry that maybe you’re not really “good enough” to achieve the kind of success you dream of?Everyone experiences self-doubt from time to timeIf you are bothered by self-doubt, you’re not alone. In fact, one study of managers by the European Institute for Leadership and Management revealed that 50% of female managers and 31% of male managers admitted to experiencing self-doubt.“Unfortunately when we’re worried that our abilities are going to be questioned, we lack the confidence to turn our thoughts into actions,” explained Louisa Jewell, a positive psychology expert who has studied self-doubt extensively.Click here to listen to full audio interview.Self-doubt can hinder your performance at work“Self-doubt causes us to engage in self-protective strategies at work, such as procrastination, hesitation and self-handicapping in order to avoid failure,” says Louisa. “While we may start out consciously using these strategies, once we realize they’re working, they often become unconscious habits that limit our potential for growth and success.”While often viewed as internal—something created by the stories we tell inside our own heads—Louisa points out that researchers now believe self-doubt may be socially constructed.“Self-doubt is often generated in your mind because of the social evaluations of others,” she explained. “Human beings are generally sensitive creatures, and the moment someone questions you, challenges you or looks at you in a funny way, you start to question your abilities.”According to Louisa, we can move beyond self-doubt by using the following approaches:1. Be aware of who you surround yourself with.Your social network can either increase or reduce your self-doubt. If you’re embarking on something new, make sure you’ve got supportive people around you who are encouraging you to move forward.2. Focus on your workInstead of wondering, “How does that make me look?” or “What if I fail in front of this person now?” focus instead on what you’re trying to create, who you’re trying to serve and what you’d like to achieve. Try saying: “I’m just working away here and I could care less about what others might think about me.”3. Challenge the negative chatter in your head. Be aware of what you’re saying to yourself. If you find your thoughts are full of negativity and judgment, then challenge what you’re saying by asking: “Is that true?” Rather than having your thoughts irrationally hijacked by self-doubt, rationally look for evidence to take a more objective, balanced point of view.4. Use your strengths. Be aware of the things that you like to do and are good at and use these consciously to fuel your confidence to act. When you draw on your strengths it removes your fear of moving forward and taps into your deep-rooted belief that you can succeed, and that you have the resources and skills to tackle new challenges.5. Practice self-compassion.Be willing to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding. Don’t judge yourself harshly or feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego. Instead, embrace the fact that to err is indeed human. Try to get a realistic sense of your abilities and actions, and then figure out what needs to be done differently next time.You can find out more about Louisa’s research and her upcoming book on self-doubt at https://www.louisajewell.com.And if you’d like more tested, practical ways to show up, shine and succeed at work visit https://www.showupshineandsucceed.com.

Workplace

Show Up and Succeed

Recent polls show that two out of every three people report feeling disengaged in their jobs; many of us would simply like to be more inspired by our work.Perhaps you’re hoping for that extra bit of confidence to ask for a promotion. Maybe you’d like to be able to enjoy your work more, no matter what you’re doing or whom you’re working for. Or could it be that you hope others around you will finally recognize your skills and talents and reward you fairly for them.For many of us it’s as simple as having a bit more energy, feeling a little happier and finally being able to create the success we know we’re capable of. But what are the tested and practical approaches you can use to show-up, shine and succeed at work?Podcast series focuses on happiness and success in the workplaceEvery day next week, from September 29 to October 3, Live Happy will feature a podcast and blog in which work/wellness expert Michelle McQuaid discusses different aspects of workplace success and happiness. Five podcasts will feature five prominent experts in the field, each addressing a different perspective on how we can become more engaged and be inspired by our work.Louisa JewellPositive psychology expert Louisa Jewell notes that our sense of self-worth often impacts how we feel about our work. “Self-doubt causes us to engage in self-protective strategies at work like procrastination, hesitation and self-handicapping that hold us back from achieving the results we long for,” explains Louisa.Self-doubt is an internal phenomenon that reflects the way you talk to yourself. You can counter it with awareness, disputing the negative self-talk, and with a healthy dose of self-compassion. Increasingly studies find that self-doubt is generated by the social evaluations of others and the commentary that surrounds us.So how can you maintain your confidence in the face of other people’s criticism?Margie WarrellCourage coach and best-selling author Margie Warrell recommends making sure you are driven by what inspires you and not by what scares you.“In order for you to get outside your comfort zone and stop playing small and safe, you need to have a clear purpose,” said Margie. “Try to find what it is you are willing to speak up about at work. If you think through how you might want to transition your career, start a new business or take on a great big job when there’s more chance of you failing than the one you’re in right now.”Only when you can answer clearly ‘for the sake of what’ you’re willing to put yourself at risk, can you be as courageous as you can be, as purposeful as you can be and as successful as you can be.But will you have the grit to sustain your efforts?Angela DuckworthAngela Duckworth,Associate Professorat the University of Pennsylvania defines grit as the passion and perseverance for long-term and challenging goals. It's being inclined to really stick with a couple of things you care about and work hard towards them over weeks, over years and even decades.“Gritty people have placed extremely high values on their goals, and they understand that to accomplish anything worthwhile is going to require extraordinary investment,” explains Angela. “As a result they value habits, and accept that feelings of frustration are a normal part of growth.”But how can you develop positive habits when your time at work and home is already maxed out?B.J. FoggBehavioral psychologist B.J. Fogg, professor at Stanford University is dedicated to finding small changes that make improving our behavior easier.“Tiny habits help you scale back bigger behaviors into many small behaviors and sequencing it somewhere in your life that fits well. It relies less on willpower and motivation to create change and more on redesigning your life little by little so over time these small shifts create dramatic results.”For example, if you want to finally read the pile of articles and books growing next to your desk, then you could create a tiny habit recipe like this: After I turn on my computer at work, I will read one page. Then as the habit becomes routine, let it grow day by day until you’ve worked your way through the pile and are looking for new things to read.Once they start to stick though how will you protect your tiny habits from everyone else’s demands on your time and energy?Valorie BurtonBest-selling author and productivity coach Valorie Burton recommends setting and keeping clear boundaries with your boss and colleagues if you want to remain productive and happy at work.“Start by asking yourself, what are the boundaries you need to set in order to protect your own peace, joy and serenity at work,” suggests Valorie. “Choose the areas where you most feel the need for change and then ask yourself what conversation is it time to have?”To help you build up the courage, confidence and energy to take each of these steps, take the time to clarify in your own mind what it would take for you to show up, shine and succeed in ways that unleash your true potential at work.Sign up for the podcasts to be delivered to your inboxIf you’re ready to feel more engaged and inspired about your work, and to learn practical strategies for flourishing from top experts in the field, be sure to join Louisa, Margie, Angela, B.J. and Valorie for this special series of interviews. Sign up by clicking here to have the podcasts sent directly to your inbox, beginning on Monday, September 29th, or simply visit LiveHappy.com to access the podcasts and accompanying blog.

relationships

5 Tips to Help Kids Become Happier Students

The dawn of a new school year canbe stressful for students and,inevitably, for parents as well! The charter school KIPP, which focuses on student achievement and empowerment, offers these tips for parents, as we help our kids navigate the social and academic difficulties of school. Giving kids the toolsthey need to be resilient when adversity strikes can ensure their success in theclassroom, as well as later in life. Dallas-Fort Worth’s KnowledgeIs Power Program (KIPP) shares fiveof the most common issues studentsface—and how you can prepare themfor the challenges that lie ahead: 1. Managing stress in a healthy way Everyone faces stress, andyour kids will, too. Establish schedulesand routines, and then stick to them.Consistency and predictability willhelp control the environment and easestress levels for the whole family. 2. Building and maintaining self-confidence Identify students’strengths to boost their confidence.Find out why they excel in one subject,and then apply that reason to areaswhere they may be struggling. 3. Handling rejection—and moving forward As much as wehate to think about our children beingrejected, at some point, it’s bound tohappen. Create leadership roles athome, giving them the opportunityto learn how to handle failure in asafe place. 4. Being respectful Be theexample for your children. Modelingpositive behavior shows them theproper way to treat and respect people. 5. Interacting with friends and adults, online and in person Set clear boundaries onwhom they should and should not be contacting, especially through socialmedia. Teach students to be responsiblefor their actions.

Parents with children in city environment

relationships

6 Reasons to Raise Your Family in the City

Conventional wisdom tells us that to raise happy children, you need a big house, a lawn, fences, backyards, mudrooms and playrooms. You need a quiet neighborhood and a nice, safe car to travel through it. In other words, you need the suburbs.Or maybe you don't. A growing number of families are choosing to raise their kids in dense urban areas—city centers—rather than retreat to the suburbs. “In 2011, for the first time in nearly a hundred years, the rate of urban population growth outpaced suburban growth, reversing a trend that held steady for every decade since the invention of the automobile,” wrote Leigh Gallagher, author of The End of the Suburbs: Where the American Dream Is Moving, in a 2013 story in Time magazine.As Columbia associate professor and author ofA Country of Cities: A Manifesto for an Urban AmericaVishaan Chakrabarti, Ph.D., writes in a 2014 New York Times editorial, "In the past, many of those who moved to cities in their 20s moved to the suburbs in their 30s, where schools were good, crime was low and family-oriented amenities were plentiful. But those factors are changing in cities, too. Crime has remained low, while public schools and parks have been getting better in many places."But that's not all city living has to offer. Here are six more reasons people are choosing to nest in an urban area:1. Culture at your fingertipsIf you live in a big urban center, you are much more likely to have easy access to cultural amenities, such as the symphony, opera and ballet, as well as museums, rep movie houses, and historical landmarks. Amy Graff, a San Francisco mom of three children, ages 11, 9 and 1, says she used to regret not having a backyard when the kids were young, but as they’ve gotten older, she appreciates having the whole city, including its museums and parks, as her “backyard.” Says Graff, “It’s all available to us, just a bus ride away.”2. Cutting down on carpool timeEven the happiest suburban parent generally doesn’t enjoy the hours spent behind the wheel ferrying the kids to school, camp or classes. In cities, parents begin to let their children use public transportation around the age of 11 or 12, especially if they are with friends. Not only do parents get a break, the kids gain a sense of independence and self-reliance.3. Being a citizen of the worldPeople from all over the world live and work in cities. Children get to meet people with a variety of life experiences and backgrounds, which increases compassion and tolerance. “Kids in the city are exposed to so many different kinds of people,” says Graff, the mom from San Francisco. One day her daughter came home and asked for dried seaweed in her lunch after tasting it in a school friend’s lunch.4. Absorbing importantlessonsIt's terrible having to explain to a child why that homeless man is sleeping on the sidewalk. But there are opportunities for learning and growth, as well as opportunities to volunteer and offer real help, such as volunteer shifts at food banks or homeless shelters. “I have a friend who grew up in an upscale suburb,” says Houston attorney KatieSunstrom, who has 4- and 8-year-old boys. “She says she never knew there were poor people until she went into the Peace Corps! Seeing different kinds of people deepens children’s understanding of the world and their place in it. Our job is to teach them to give as well as to take.”5. Little or no commuteFamilies who both live and work in one city spend less time getting to and from work. This means more time to play, do homework or otherwise be with the kids. Sabrina Garibian, who has a 2-year-old and a 16-month-old she’s raising in downtown Philadelphia, says her husband’s commute is one walkable mile. “I only use my car once during the week to go to the market,” says Garibian. “Our vet is in walking distance, our pediatrician is within walking distance.”6. Amazing food and other amenitiesCan you find artisanal single-source coffee or ice cream made with liquid nitrogen at your local strip mall? Okay, not every city center has the mind-boggling smorgasbord of eating and drinking that you find in San Francisco, Chicago or Brooklyn, but the options in any city are usually better and more diverse than what you find in the burbs. Easy access to these delicacies and to interesting boutiques and stores is another reason to go urban.Are you raising children in the city? Tell us about your experiences and what makes you happy about where you live.Joyce Slaton writes, sews, cooks and lives in San Francisco with a husband, an enormous orange cat and one fiery grade-school daughter, Violet. Her work has appeared in Self, Ms., Wired, and Babycenter.com, where she has been blogging for almost a decade.

relationships

Money Can’t Buy You Love

In 2007, I was a multimillionaire. I traveled the world, I attended expensive galas, and (with my husband) donated vast sums of money to charities and political causes. I had friends in abundance; everyone returned my calls, invited me to their parties, and wanted to be “besties." I can’t lie, being in demand felt great—but I discovered the flip side of the coin in 2012, when my family and I lost everything.Shakespeare wrote, 'Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel.' The meaning is pretty straightforward: if you have friends who have proven their loyalty, hold them tight and don’t let go.Suddenly weneededfriends. Badly.I’d thought that when bad things happen to rich people, their friends dissipate like fog burning off Long Island Sound. We did have friends abandon us when the chips were down, but we also had plenty who stuck by us, stayed in touch and genuinely cared about how we were doing.In the process of navigating the tricky waters of friendship after losing everything, I discovered a few keys to building lasting connections across any financial strata.1. Focus on what's realI’ve had the chance to meet plenty of exciting, interesting characters. But I’ve also had to endure a lot of inane conversations, where people are talking about things like the practicalities of bringing a private hairdresser on vacation or the joys of finding a non-chatty chauffeur. Those conversations don’t have much substance, and I've learned that relationships built on discussing unimportant worries aren’t very reliable.No matter what your income level, focus on friendships that are based in the true essentials of being human: love, kindness, family and the lifelong quest of cultivating empathy. Make sure the people you’re connecting with have some depth.2. Don't try to draw a straight line between wealth and kindnessIn theory, wealthy people have a lot more ability to be generous than people of lower income levels but in practice that doesn’t bear out. In fact, studyafter studyhave proven the exact opposite: Less financially secure people are more prone to acts of charity.When my family was hard up, many of the people who stuck by our side, brought meals and passed hand-me-downs our way were people we knew in a service capacity: waiters we’d made friends with, personal assistants we’d had to let go. I learned the key is to meet people on a human level, to listen, to empathize and to care without regard to how much anyone has in the bank.3. Never, ever judgeWhat I’ve really learned about friendship through all of this is that true friends will surprise you. One day the mega-wealthy friend you thought had forsaken you will ask you out to dinner. The acquaintance who read something nasty about you in the paper will phone you and your relationship will grow. People are unpredictable and making blind assumptions about them is rarely productive.To assume that a rich person only wants to associate with rich people would be wrong. So would the suggestion that a less wealthy person is a hanger-on who “wants something.” People are filled with infinite complexity and…yes…fallibility. The heart, above all things, is difficult to predict. You’re better off withholding judgment, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and reevaluating as your understanding of them evolves.More than anything else, I’ve found that my best friendships are with people whoI’vebeen real with. The ultimate truth of building lasting friendships is simple: to have friends worth binding to your soul, you have tobethat sort of friend too.Kristina Dodgeis a mother of four, entrepreneur, writer, and public speaker. She can be found online atwww.KristinaDodge.com.

Redefining Love

Power of the Page

5 Steps to Establishing Clear Boundaries at Work

Do You Have The Grit To Create Lasting Success?

5 Steps to a More Courageous You

5 Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt

Show Up and Succeed

5 Tips to Help Kids Become Happier Students

6 Reasons to Raise Your Family in the City

Store

Articles

Quick Links