Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Coping with Election Outcomes With Dr. Lauren Cook
[INTRODUCTION]
[0:00:03] SS: Thank you for joining us for episode 493 of Live Happy Now. It’s Election Day, and that means most of us have a pretty good idea of how we’d like things to go. I’m your host, Paula Felps, and this week I’m joined again by Dr. Lauren Cook, who created our overcoming election stress email series and has provided some great insights throughout this election cycle to help us manage our anxiety. She’s back to talk about how to cope with the results of this election, whether or not it goes how you’d like and tell us how we can use the outcome to build lasting resilience and connections. Let’s have a listen.
[INTERVIEW]
[0:00:41] PF: Lauren, welcome back to Live Happy Now.
[0:00:43] LC: Always good to be back. I feel like we’re friends now, Paula.
[0:00:46] PF: I know. We’ve been on this journey, this election journey together, and it’s crazy to look back at how quickly this has all passed.
[0:00:56] LC: The day is here. It has finally come.
[0:00:59] PF: It is. It’s crazy. Yes. So, on the day this comes out, it’s Election Day. We’re a few days before that that we’re recording this, but what this means is as we talk and as our listeners hear it, we don’t know the outcome. They don’t know the outcome. First of all, what should people be doing on Election Day besides voting to keep their anxiety at bay?
[0:01:21] LC: Everybody, please go vote. I would say this is often advice I give to folks. Do something where you’re using your hands today. By that, I don’t mean scrolling on your phone. Maybe do a little bit of painting. You play some tennis. If you live by a river, you do a little canoeing. Do something active today, because a lot of us, we just sit and we wait till 5 PM, whatever the time zone we may be in and we’re just waiting, waiting, waiting. But I always say, worrying doesn’t change the outcome in this moment, especially today. So, take your action by voting and then make yourself busy with something else that brings you fulfillment. Then we’ll all be tuning into our TVs later today, I’m sure.
[0:02:06] PF: That’s great. You’re right. A lot of people will just stay tuned to the news coverage, vote by vote, hour by hour. How is that unhealthy for us?
[0:02:18] LC: I think it really depends on how each person operates. I, myself, like I love politics. It is my like fantasy football come real life, Paula. I love watching the play by play. If that’s something that is interesting for you and you can self-regulate through that, then sure, watch the news, engage with that content. But if it’s going to make you feel incredibly anxious, panicky even, set some very clear boundaries with yourself.
Almost like New Year’s Night, I’m going to check in hour by hour, right? Instead of watching the seconds tick down. Having those boundaries with it and then finding other ways to occupy your time, whether it’s helping your kids with their homework or maybe you try a new recipe in the kitchen. if it’s going to be too much for you, don’t force yourself to sit in front of the TV.
[0:03:07] PF: That’s great advice, because I’m one of those people who, if I’m invested in a football game, I can’t watch it. It’s just too nerve wracking. What I do is I got to watch the kickoff, watch it start. I might check it in at half time. Then I come in in the last three minutes, which actually last 20 minutes, but I just come in and check in at that, because it just is too nerve wracking for me.
[0:03:29] LC: Yeah. It is for a lot of folks. Set those time boundaries, right?
[0:03:34] PF: Absolutely. We know this has been an unprecedented election. We’ve had assassination attempts. We changed the candidate mid campaign. We’ve got issues that are extremely polarizing. You’re a therapist. You see people in your chairs every day. What is it done to our collective anxiety to go through this election cycle?
[0:03:54] LC: It’s been really interesting this time around from looking at 2016 to 2020 to 2024. I almost see people getting to the state of dissociation, quite frankly.
[0:04:05] PF: Really?
[0:04:07] LC: They’re so exhausted by this process. They’re nervous about this process for the outcome. So, I’m almost seeing folks like in this sense of detachment from it, because hearing about the outcome feels too much. I also will say though, like I think we’ve learned lessons from previous elections, you know. The last few elections have been so polarizing. When you look at the stats, I believe it was the New York Times that reported that one in five people reported like permanent damage in their families from the last election cycle.
I think a lot of us have come through that saying, “You know what? Is it worth a politician hearing my family apart?” Maybe, maybe not. Let’s get curious about that. How can I self-regulate to still hold relationships with people? Maybe we very much disagree about our politics. Can both realities be true? That is so much of my work is helping my clients hold both those truths. So, I’ve really seen people enter into this election cycle. They’re aware of it. They know about it, but there’s also more of a detachment, I would say, from it in previous elections. Quite frankly, that may be more of a healthy approach.
[0:05:21] PF: I can see that makes perfect sense, because I know many, many people who have so much hinging on this outcome. Both sides feel very strongly about how this will affect the future and feel that a loss for their party means basically the end of the world as we know it. Not to sound too extreme, but that’s how we framed it in so many ways. As people look at ways to maintain these relationships, what are some of the things that we can do to make sure that regardless of the outcome that our relationships can stay intact?
[0:06:01] LC: Yeah. That is a great question. I come back to two key things. One, empathy, like having empathy for others experiences, especially people who are different than us. Really how we tap into empathy is the second word is curiosity. Help me understand. I want to understand. There’s no way I can know fully your lived experience, but help me try and grasp it. Coming at it from a lens of curiosity then allows us to step into empathy with other people.
I also think we have to hold. We can put so, so much on this one figurehead. Sure, the president is a massive role in this country. But I think we also have to remember that there are so many other sources of power in this country with Congress, with the court, and with the American public, right? That is why it is so important to vote.
Really to use our voices, things like going to protest, things like going to rallies. Going to our town hall, city hall meetings, like we can’t devalue our own voices in this. That empowerment piece, especially for people who are listening to this episode the day after election day. However, people may be feeling defeated possibly is really remembering all of the power in this country does not lie solely with one man, with one woman. It lies with the collective body. We’ve got to come back to that when we’re feeling disempowered and hopeless.
[0:07:30] PF: I love that. Obviously, what a lot of us do right after the election, good or bad, we’re glomming on to what the media has to say about it. Let’s talk about how that can affect our mental health, how that can drive our mood and what we might be able to do instead of just tuning in 24/7.
[0:07:52] LC: You know, it’s really hard with the media, right? This is somebody who used to work in the media. I have a lot of respect for what they do. But no matter what they do, they’re only able to capture a slice, a picture, right? We’ve even seen that with election outcomes sometimes where what people are expecting is different than what actually comes to pass. I think that can make people really nervous. So, we have to remember and take media, all right, we’re going to intake this information, but also holding a healthy sense of skepticism of, all right, let me look at all sides of the coin before I take something totally at face value. How can I be a critical consumer of content?
Then at the end of the day, knowing too, this is something that I’m seeing on television. What are the conversations that are happening in my home? How do I want to talk about this election outcome with my kids, with my partner, with my extended family? Those are conscious choices that we can all make. That is once again where we can take some power back. I will say though, Paula, we have to ask ourselves, you know. Let me take a beat. Let me take a breath. Give ourselves the space and the grace that if we need some time, some days a week from election day before we jump in with people, that is more than okay to do.
[0:09:14] PF: Yeah. I was going to talk to you about that, because I want to look at two different scenarios. First is your candidate lost and let’s deal with that. Then we’ll get down to what if you’re candidate won, because in the first case, you have some self-care. In the second case, you also have some responsibility, I think, in how you respond and treat people. Let’s start with that. Say, you’re candidate lost. Depending on the individual, this is going to be anything from a disappointment to completely devastating. what is the first thing, if someone comes into your office and they, this is where they’re at, what is the thing you’re going to say to them?
[0:09:49] LC: Sit with them. Sit with them in the cave. We can all connect to that experience of human sadness, of human disappointment, of not having what we want happen. We can all connect to that feeling. It’s a grieving experience, right? Again, this can almost sound a little bit silly of like this is a person we don’t even know, but it represents so, so much, right? It represents a way of living a moral compass for people.
Really valuing that person’s reaction, especially if your candidate did win, that’s where we can come in and not gloat, right? But to really sit and acknowledge someone’s sadness, someone’s pain is very important. If you yourself, if you have a candidate that didn’t win, give yourself that permission to feel that sadness and maybe even that anger, but then figure out what do I want to do with it in a productive way that’s not harmful, that’s not hurtful to other people, but in a way that I can still use my voice for good.
[0:10:49] PF: Are there any exercises that you give people, like writing, journaling, anything like that, that can help process these feelings? Because sometimes we might even feel ashamed to say it out loud, because we think it is politics. I shouldn’t be this affected by it, but yet, I am.
[0:11:06] LC: It means a lot. It means so much to us, right? Like I said, these people stand for ideas and ways of living our lives, that represents a lot. Yes, journaling about it. Talking about it with people who you know will love and care about you even if they disagree with you. Let me just say this. If you can refrain from going online and making a post about it, unless you can tolerate, right? Because you will get the people engaging with you, but a lot of times that’s only going to inflare emotions and heat things up even more. It’s not productive. Unless you’re voicing it to like share a disappointment, but then you’re not worried about getting feedback, I would say stay off online posts about it. That is my biggest tip of all there.
[0:12:02] PF: I would think also, avoid reading other posts, whether they disagree with you or concur with you, because that same thing is going to happen, the comments, the flaming. It denigrates very quickly.
[0:12:14] LC: It does. It does. People act like it is the Super Bowl, but these aren’t sports teams. These are real people, real people’s lives that are going to affect different outcomes in this country. We can’t just act like it’s a movie that we’re debating about. These are real outcomes. So, we’ve got to really remember that things can be heated quickly and to be mindful of how we engage in that.
[0:12:41] PF: As we’re processing these feelings and it is – there’s a sense of grief, there’s a sense of loss. As we’re navigating those, how do we know when it’s more than we can handle? Like at what point is it beyond normal? I shouldn’t say normal. Is it time to reach out and get some help with those feelings?
[0:12:58] LC: Yeah. If you’re finding that you’re losing sleep about it for weeks on end, you’re finding it’s all you can talk about with people or you are getting in really heated fights with people online, people that you don’t even know, for example. If any of that is happening or you’re getting so angry that you’re losing your temper, you’re cutting people out of your life. Those are all signs. It could be time to get some support for it.
I will say this loud and clear. There’s no shame about that. I can’t tell you how many people I see in my office talk about politics and this election. It really does affect a lot of us. So, if this is something affecting you, there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, I admire you so much for being willing to get support with it. Let me just say as therapists, we are so trained to work with people of all different backgrounds, all different beliefs. It’s not something appropriate for a therapist to disclose their political stance. So, that’s something it’s really important for clients to feel safe, to come into the therapy room, for example, to talk about that.
[0:14:05] PF: That’s great. Another situation that I’ve seen is with couples, which is different than family. I have some friends who are on very different sides of a political spectrum. Usually, they can come to some an agreement. This year has been very heated, very contentious for them. How then does a couple go through this process? Because I thought about this. We’ve talked about it in our own house, like It’s what is their next four years going to be like? Because they’re both at that stage of, “Let’s just get through the election. Then we’ll talk again.” It’s like, I don’t know that that’s how it’s going to work for you all, but.
[0:14:48] LC: You know I heard somebody say that the other day, I’m like, “That’s such a good point.” We live so much for election day, but it’s actually after election day that that’s when things really start.
[0:14:59] PF: Right.
[0:15:00] LC: I think that’s such a misconception that we see the election as the end when it’s really just the beginning. One, it’s re-conceptualizing it that way, but two, we’ve got to start seeing politics as more nuanced than they are, that a win isn’t a full win and a loss isn’t a full loss. It’s never an absolute. If we can start getting curious with our partners about the nuance of their beliefs, once again, coming back to the curiosity and empathy, that’s really, really important.
Starting to get away from the all or nothing thinking of just because my partner may be voting for this person, can there be other aspects that maybe we do find alignment in or what is it about our personalities that we really enjoy spending time together with? Focusing on those other aspects, rather than defining someone’s vote as their entirety of personhood. They may have one very specific reason why they’re voting for that person. We want to get really curious about what that particular reason or reasons may be.
Then I will also say this, sometimes things like elections can highlight some major differences. Sometimes that may push us to the point of realizing, wow, shoot, like we maybe have outgrown each other, or there may be differences that are insurmountable here. That election could be the thing that like illuminates that, right? If that’s the case, that’s okay too. I think that can be really hard to face, but being honest about that and not giving ourselves a sense of shame about that is something I think we can give ourselves permission with too.
[0:16:40] PF: That’s excellent. For the person whose candidate won, how do they move through? Because it’s our nature to be like, “Whoo, I’m celebrating. I’m all happy.” We also do have to then remember that others may be very close to us aren’t feeling that same way. How do we embrace our own happiness with the outcome while also being respectful of the fact that others aren’t feeling the same way?
[0:17:07] LC: Yeah. The main word that comes to my mind here is being gracious about it, right? No one likes a gloating winner and really being gracious and compassionate. Giving ourselves that permission to feel the joy, right? Whether that maybe looks like popping a bottle of champagne in our home or having an excited phone call with somebody that we know feels similarly to us. It’s not that we have to like hide in secret if we’re really excited about it –
[0:17:35] PF: Go underground.
[0:17:37] LC: Yeah, exactly. Like the prohibition days or something like that. Nothing like that, but you know, once again, we don’t want to be shoving it in people’s faces either. I do come back to this idea. We’re called the United States of America. How can we still be united even when we are having such massive differences? I have quite frankly seen that more from both candidates this time around –
[0:18:04] PF: Right, definitely.
[0:18:05] LC: In ways where they have signaled that they want to unify this country, which I find so refreshing and nice. So, thinking about whether we win, whether we lose, how can we still be a united country that comes together regardless of party win? That’s where my head goes.
[0:18:24] PF: That’s right. I don’t know who planned this, but three weeks after the election, we have Thanksgiving, which is a great opportunity to get together with family members who likely disagree with us. These are tricky gatherings in the best of times. How do we set boundaries beforehand? Because we know we can’t wait till we get there and say, “Okay, we’re not talking politics this year.” What do we do to set it up, make this Thanksgiving a really good, thankful, grateful celebration instead of one of those people are slinging wine at each other and storming out of the house? Not that’s ever happened in my life, but –
[0:19:03] LC: Oh, never, not at all. That episode in The Bear. I don’t know if you saw that from season two, this episode, oh, don’t watch it. It’ll stress you out. Now everybody’s going to tune into that, but here’s the thing. I think we can be cheeky and fun and playful about it, right? We can use text to our advantage where as your inviting family, we’re so excited to have everybody over, we’re all about the turkey and not about the politics. It can be something playful like that, where it’s not this intense sit down of like no mentioning of the election kind of thing, but people get the memo.
I’ve also seen this – we do this in my family. We do a little bit of an art project where everybody gets a leaf on a tree and we write down what we’re thankful for. Then it makes this big, beautiful tree with all these leaves of gratitude. Once again, you can be playful with it, right? Like, “Okay, everybody, put down what you’re thankful for. We’re not going into politics land tonight.” But anything else is game.
Then it can be, okay, people get the message, but they’re not going to go there so much. That’s a way to set the tone, keeping it light, keeping it fun. You know what, if somebody brings it up and you’re the host, you can just do a really nice gentle redirect and people will get the memo that, all right, we’re not going to go down this rabbit hole tonight.
[0:20:30] PF: That’s great. Because you might have to do a couple reminders, like the later it gets, the more wine that’s been poured, people tend to start forgetting that we’re not going to talk about that.
[0:20:40] LC: Oh, yeah. Exactly.
[0:20:43] PF: That’s what – and just going in knowing, having that plan, I think that also makes people feel more confident walking in. If you are still dealing with the election results and you know you’re going to go be with these relatives who don’t share your views. It can be just dreadful, but if you know going into it, that’s off the table. We’re going to talk about everything. But I mean, there’s so many other things we can talk about. Let’s do that. That’s great.
[0:21:10] LC: Yup. Connect another way, right?
[0:21:12] PF: Yes. You did this terrific email series for us about overcoming election stress. In the final installment of that, you looked at coping with the outcomes. You offer some great advice about letting the outcomes foster our resilience. Can you talk about what that means? You touched on that a little bit. Talk about what you mean by using it to foster resilience. Then tell us how we can do that.
[0:21:38] LC: Yeah. That’s great. I talk about this in my book, Generation Anxiety, too. Resilience in this idea I call empowered acceptance go hand in hand. Because however this election turns out, even if you win, sometimes you can still feel hopeless and powerless. Because even your candidate that you wanted to win is still not going to do everything exactly as you want, right?
[0:22:01] PF: You can’t just call them up and say, “Now, I think.”
[0:22:03] LC: Yeah, exactly. First 100 days, aren’t you going to live out my agenda? Right. Maybe they should run for president. Here’s how it works. One, we’ve got to actually understand what’s happening in this country. I think a lot of us, especially if things didn’t turn out the way that we hope that they will, we want to put our head in the sand, we want to avoid, we want to run away. That actually doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t give us a chance to foster resilience. If you never give yourself the chance to walk, how are you going to be able to get strong enough to run? You have to accept and understand the reality of what is happening in this country.
The second piece of this is being empowered. You have to take action. I am very much a behaviorist as a psychologist, that you need to take concrete steps to see positive change happen. You cannot positive think yourself into the outcomes that you want to see. So, whatever that looks like for you, whether you decide after this election, “You know what, I’m going to volunteer and help people get registered to vote next election cycle.” We know sadly with Gen Z, overall feel pretty apathetic about the selection, that their voting numbers are not looking so good.
Hopefully by the time the selection rolls around and this episode comes out, that will be different, Paula. Maybe that’s something that you as a listener are like, that’s something I want to take action with or maybe even if your candidate wins, but there is a particular policy that you feel really motivated by. What are some steps you want to take with writing letters? Maybe you even want to show up on the hill.
There are all kinds of things you can do to be empowered. That is going to give you your resilience, because it tells your brain, I don’t sit on the sidelines of my life. When I see problems happening, when I see injustices happening, I don’t sit silently by. I do something about it. Using your voice is the strongest way to feel confident in yourself. That’s where we got to start.
[0:24:06] PF: What we’re going to do, we’ve created a designed one sheet of your, Coping with Election Outcomes that people can go. When they go to the website, they can download that. You can put it on the fridge, you can keep it on your phone, so you can keep it in front of your face. It’s just going to help them get through the next few days, weeks, whatever it takes as the results sink in. As they’re sitting here today, waiting for the results, what’s the last thing you want to leave them with?
[0:24:32] LC: Take a deep breath. It’s all going to be okay in the end. It may not feel like it, but you know, we have an ability in this country to have our national resilience. We find a way to continue on. We may have felt like that in previous election cycles. This is the end. Well, you know what? Here we are in 2024 and we’re still trucking. Even if tomorrow, you wake up and you feel this hopeless, helpless pit in your stomach, allow yourself to feel the sadness. Allow yourself to feel the joy if it turned out the way that you wanted, but know that time marches on, change is a guaranteed for certain possibility. Give yourself that permission to know that tomorrow is another day and we can all take action with the next opportunity.
[0:25:23] PF: Lauren, thank you. As always, you’re in delight to talk to. You have so much wisdom for us and I appreciate you sitting down, not just today, but what we’ve done throughout this election season. It’s been a delight to work with you on it.
[0:25:33] LC: Always a joy, Paula. Thank you for the opportunity.
[OUTRO]
[0:25:41] PF: That was Dr. Lauren Cook talking about coping with election outcomes. If you’d like to learn more about Lauren, download a free PDF poster with tips on dealing with election outcomes. Check out her book, Generation Anxiety, or follow her on social media. Just visit us at LiveHappy.com and click on this podcast episode.
That is all we have time for today. We’ll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps reminding you to make every day a happy one.
