Relationship mindfulness is a long-proven method toward improving our relationship happiness. In 2004, the University of North Carolina launched a study of “relatively happy, non-distressed couples.”
The results of their study proved what experts have known all along: Couples who practice “relationship mindfulness” are happier, have less stress and have a better ability to cope during challenging times.
Take our quiz to find out how mindful you are when it comes to your own relationship.
1. In my relationship, I consider my partner's feelings when making a decision.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
2. If I need to discuss an uncomfortable subject with my partner, I am conscious of my behavior throughout the discussion.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or Never
3. I can tell when my partner is not in a good mood.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
4. When my partner appears to be having a tough day or is in a bad mood, I attempt to inquire about what is wrong.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
5. When my partner appears to be having a tough day or is in a bad mood, I try to provide comfort.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
6. When my partner appears to be having a tough day or is in a bad mood, I make an effort to see if I can be helpful.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
7. When having a conversation with my partner, I do my best to focus on the exchange and try to avoid multi-tasking.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
8. When it comes to my relationship, I would consider myself to be present, mindful and aware.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
9. In times of stress or conflict with my partner, I take time out to think about how to best handle the situation before I react.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
10. When it comes to my relationship, I make an effort to avoid saying things that I might regret.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
11. I realize that my partner and our relationship shift and evolve over time; I try to adapt to those changes.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
12. I stay on top of what triggers me, stresses me out or makes me angry so that I can anticipate what might create conflict in my relationship.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
13. I am honest with myself about my relationship.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
14. I initiate bookend connections with my partner (the connections when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, and when I leave and arrive at home)
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
15. I focus on good communication with my partner, both verbal and nonverbal.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
16. I take time out to assess and understand my partner’s wants and needs.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
17. I realize that personal growth will help my relationship, so I work toward that goal.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
18. I know that I am not always the perfect partner, and so I acknowledge my mistakes when they happen.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
19. I make efforts toward deepening my relationship with my partner.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
20. I make an effort to put my partner’s happiness on an equal standing with my own.
A. Most of the time
B. Some of the time
C. Rarely or never
Evaluate your answers
A's
If most of your answers are ‘A’ then you are doing a great job at having a mindful heart in your relationship and you are successful at striking the balance between what is best for you and what is best for your relationship. You are able to assess and adapt to your partner’s needs and have the ability to find compromises for the greater good of the relationship. You are mindful of your partner’s wants and in return that should result in a more successful and happy relationship.
B's
If most of your answers are ‘B’ then you have either been mindful of your partner and relationship, or you are naturally gifted with some of those skills. It would be helpful to you and your relationship if you would carefully look at exactly how and when you are considerate of your partner’s wants and needs so that you can assess where your strengths and weaknesses are. For the areas of strength, pat yourself on the back. For the areas that need improvement, make more of a conscious effort to practice being more mindful in your relationship so that you can deepen your connection.
C's
If most of your answers are ‘C’ then you either lack the natural skills to be mindful in your relationship, or you haven’t put in the time or energy to improve your abilities in this area. If you were not aware of your imperfections in this area, perhaps you can invest more of your focus on being more aware and balancing what both you and your partner want and need. If emotional distance or resentment has been the cause of your lack of mindfulness, then make an effort to bridge the emotional gap and diffuse the tension by trying to engage in more of these connecting activities.
Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy.
