Self-Care

Awakened wisdom can seem ephemeral, elusive, like pollen. So sometimes just a smile can communicate it best. Here’s partly why. Mindfulness is becoming popular thanks to Western science. Yet it also draws from ancient Eastern wisdom traditions. As the two fields converge, there are gaps. Consider, for instance, the mind-body connection. No problem for Chinese and other Eastern cultures where the word for physical heart and spiritual mind are the same. But Western science has been following a dualistic worldview. Scientific research, for instance, is divided into a dualism of objective and subjective. Objective is good, and subjective is considered separate and unscientific. They ignore that we ourselves are both the object and subject of our studies. So, up to now, Western scientists have struggled to match up physical experiences and mental ones. This can be like asking, “How do we know if the light in the refrigerator really goes out when we shut the door?” Best maybe to just smile. A smile reminds us that there’s more to life than concepts and words A smile reminds us that there’s more to life than concepts and words. A smile relaxes our armor and lets us accept what’s difficult. A simple smile affirms our intelligent alertness, our discerning curiosity, so we can see for ourselves, through direct experience. A smile can be an act of recognition, and understanding. And a smile can be a sign that what we’re seeking (such as happiness) often doesn’t need to be attained: it’s already present. So a smile can both shine a light on our research trail and serve as our diploma. (Remember, awakening is lifelong learning.) I don’t worry about Western science. Having trained in Eastern worldviews and wisdom traditions for most of my life, I’m just waiting for it to catch up. Slowly, slowly, step by step.

This advice column aims to help Live Happy readers overcome stumbling blocks on their road to happiness. Send your questions to askstacy@livehappy.com. Stacy, I’m a single parent with a 10-year-old son who just started 4th grade in a new school. My son doesn’t seem motivated to write neatly or do homework, and he often fools around in class. What can I do? —Brandy Dear Brandy, There are a lot of challenges that come along with having a 10-year-old child. During this phase of life they are learning to interact with their peers, adapting to rules both academically and socially, and trying to learn to deal with expectations from school and home. This is often the age when testing the boundaries with teachers, parents and other authorities begins. It sounds like all of these things are related to what you are describing with your son. First of all, whenever there are issues going on with a child, I recommend that he or she get evaluated by a pediatrician just to make sure that everything is going well physically. I believe in a team approach when it comes to issues at school. I recommend you talk with your son’s teacher so that you can come up with a plan that all of you agree on. This plan might include a behavior contract that outlines expected appropriate behaviors, rewards for good behaviors, removal of privileges for inappropriate behaviors, etc. You can also discuss what are appropriate expectations for someone his age. You should sit down and try to problem solve with your son. Ask him if he can explain to you what has been causing his behavior, and attempt to work together in a calm way to solve each of the issues that you mentioned. Often, kids have great advice on how to make their own lives better! As for you personally, being a single mother is both a challenging and rewarding job. Please make sure that you are taking good care of your own physical and emotional well-being while you are busy taking care of your son.

When was the last time you lost your cool? Maybe a tough day at work took you down to your last nerve and your child couldn’t stop whining. If you find yourself raising your voice or saying something snappish when you’re under stress, you’ve come face-to-face with the challenges of emotion regulation. If you have a difficult time exercising restraint when you are angry or frustrated, emotion regulation is a skill you can build up with practice. You’re angry. Picture a fork in the road. Do you take the road of reactionary ranting or do you take the serene one where you carefully choose your response? Recognizing that you always have a choice in how you respond—no matter how you feel—is at the heart of mastering emotion regulation. Responding appropriately is not about acting fake—it’s just keeping it together when you actually feel the opposite. We all deploy these strategies every day—whether we are aware of them or not. Healthy regulation might show up as leaving something unsaid, walking away or choosing a neutral response. A lack of regulation can include road rage, verbal or physical aggression, or to a lesser degree, saying things you regret as soon as they leave your mouth. “Emotion regulation means practicing something known as impulse control,” says Kris Lee, Ed.D., a professor at Northeastern University, behavioral science expert and author of Mentalligence: A New Psychology of Thinking: Learn What it Takes to be More Agile, Mindful and Connected in Today’s World. “When something happens, our brain’s automatic response is to be reactive. When our amygdala, the small part of our brain that regulates fight or flight is set off, we have to avoid taking the bait of our raw emotional reactions that make us want to overreact,” Kris says. “When we buy time, we then have access to the frontal lobes of our brains, where we have access to reasoning, better problem solving and perspective. We never have to take the bait of primitive emotions,” she explains. Put another way, Dr. Kris says we can let the “first take” (the way we initially feel) pass us by and revisit triggers with a second take when we have our wits about us. “Staying cool in the heat of the moment can be a challenge for even the most patient among us,” Kris says. “We all have different triggers that bring us from zero to 60, so knowing in advance what types of things can set us off can help us mentally rehearse and prepare a reaction that isn’t something we might regret later.” For parents, it can be easy to lose your cool. “Think in advance of how to be able to step away and buy time before your words or behavior take on too harsh of a tone,” she suggests. “Have a go-to mantra like ‘it’s going to be OK’ or ‘this too shall pass’ to serve as reminders that your state of frustration won’t last.” You also can replay a past event where you lost your temper and decide on a better way to react next time. “Oftentimes parents get burned out or emotionally overwhelmed, leading us to be more reactive and impulsive,” Kris says. “One of the best strategies to reduce reactivity and promote emotional regulation is engaging in regular, deliberate self-care.” Here are nine ways to improve your emotional regulation skills: Choose your mantra. Decide what you will say to yourself the next time your frustration bubbles up to the surface. Have one or two short mantras ready. Talk with friends. Friends are support systems. A good talk can dissipate stress, make you feel understood and give you a good outlet to vent. “Find your tribe or community where you can share challenges, laughs and strategize on how to solve problems you have in common,” Kris says. Practice self-compassion. How often do you give yourself a soft place to land in your mind? Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself as you would a best friend, and when you are kinder to yourself, you are kinder to others. Exercise and eat nutritiously. Take care of your body and your mind will follow. Write in a journal. Give your thoughts and feelings a safe place to come out. Practice mindfulness meditation. Practice a nonjudgmental stance to things you are confronting. Be a neutral observer to your thoughts instead of labeling them and making rash decisions, Kris recommends. Seek therapy. Ask for help. “Anger is often a sign of underlying anxiety and trouble with the skills of on-the-spot coping,” Kris explains. Speak with a professional to resolve old issues that are triggers. Sleep. Monkey brain goes up when hours of sleep go down. Get adequate sleep—about eight hours a night. The power of a good night’s sleep is underestimated. Build up your emotional repertoire. “Research shows we are capable of building a positive emotional repertoire and redirecting our energies to help us from being stuck in negative emotional states,” Kris explains. Practice positive communication skills. Rehearse desired reactions according to your unique stressors and triggers. “We all have different thresholds for coping and are dealing with different degrees of stressors and seasons of life. We can continually grow and improve our capacity for coping and reacting productively and positively,” she says. Bottom line? “A more well-rested, exercised, nourished and emotionally connected person will have a greater sense of resilience and their brain will be less apt to be impulsively driven,” Kris says.

The common image of runners is captured in the title of Alan Sillitoe’s short story “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner.” In this view, runners are solitary figures who neither need nor want company. Certainly many runners, including me, cherish the chance running offers to spend time alone with our thoughts. But, like the observation that runners never smile, the idea that being a runner means being lonely is mostly made by those who don’t run. High-quality camaraderie is more the norm, thanks to group runs, pre- and post-work meetups with one or two friends, road races and other bond-producing activities that are part of the fabric of running. You want lonely? Spend most of your waking hours flitting among social media feeds and working a job where more than small talk is rare. The relationship of loneliness to mental-health issues, especially depression, is well established. The American Psychological Association lists social isolation as a risk factor for depression. Loneliness and depression can feed off each other, as a lack of energy or interest in activities keeps you homebound. Excusing yourself from social activities seems easier than mounting the strength to smile and chat while you’re miserable inside. Enter Running As I said, it comes with a built-in way to create and strengthen just the sort of relationships that improve mental health. If, like me, you took up the sport as part of a school team, regularly training with others has been part of your running life since day one. If you’re an adult-onset runner, you’ve probably nonetheless found benefit in having occasional company, especially for harder or longer workouts. On any given day, runs with others provide a mood boost. “Running is often my favorite social hour,” says Heather Johnson, of South Portland, Maine, who runs in part to manage anxiety. One of Heather’s training partners, Kristin Barry, runs to manage depression and says, “Socializing with friends while running makes me feel more connected and happier in general.” Running with others often results in conversations that are more open and substantive than the norm in our sedentary hours. “Running with others has served as a way to bring my own struggles and achievements to others to gain alternative perspectives,” Heather says. “Over the years, social and group runs have given me new ways to approach parenting, working with others, and how to be a better overall person. Buddy System What’s key here is that these more intimate conversations happen while we’re doing something that creates a connection. You can learn more about a person in the space of a few runs together than in six months of having adjoining cubicles. The shared effort of conquering hills or navigating trails builds a bond that’s stronger than if we were in a book club or cooking class together. Combine the talk and the work, and you can build deep friendships in a surprisingly short time. Running’s delivery mechanism for a regular supply of new friends is a profound enough mental-health aid. In my 50s, I have an easy way to continue to broaden my pool of relationships at a time when many of my contemporaries are seeing their social circles shrink. Some running partners remain primarily that; when we encounter each other in what I call civilian life, we often do a double-take because of being unaccustomed to seeing each other in street clothes. Some running partners blossom into all-hours friends who socialize while barely talking about running. The Spice of Life But there’s more to it than just numbers. As Heather says, “running has given me the opportunity to connect with so many different people.” In the past year, I’ve run with people in their 20s and people in their 70s, and all ages between. Some are women, some are men. Some are married, some divorced, some never married. Some have grown children, some are childless, some have infants. Some began running as teens, some started recently. We grew up in different times and different places and spend our days doing different work. Our lives are so much richer for the varied friendships we continually develop through running. How else would it be the case that the best friend I’ve made in the past decade is a mother of two who was born after I started running? How many depressed men my age have a way to nurture such relationships in just one or two hours a week? These too-brief in-person encounters don’t exist in a vacuum. They spur actions and thoughts that improve the time when we’re apart. Running partners constantly check in on each other: How did that workout go? Is your leg feeling better? Want to run long this weekend? Was it crazy cold this morning, or what? Running provides an easy and obvious reason to stay in regular contact. As on the run, the basic questions tend to lead to reports on nonrunning aspects of our lives, making our connections to one another that much stronger. Even the most basic planning to run with others helps. Knowing on a Wednesday that Saturday morning will include 90 minutes of fellowship brightens the week. I used to plan to run with others primarily as a means to a racing goal. Now it’s a worthwhile goal in itself.

Quick two-question quiz. 1. What things did you love to do before marriage, kids or increasing work responsibilities, including side hustles to help pay the bills? 2. How many of those things do you still do now? For many of us, spending time doing the things we love the most gets sidelined for the big “r” word—responsibilities. Sure, we’d love to take in a matinee on a Saturday, but kids’ soccer games and a trip to the grocery store take priority. Readers we asked miss spontaneity, creative projects, cranking up the music, reading and the indulgence of sleeping in. While not always doing what you want to do is just part of adulting, drifting away from what you love can erode happiness and cause you to lose sight of who you really are. How do you maintain the daily grind of responsibilities and stay connected to what you love? Rediscover your authentic self with our list of tips. Facilitate your own wake-up call Sherianna Boyle, author of the new book Emotional Detox: 7 Steps to Release Toxicity and Energize Joy believes focusing on the present can facilitate your own wake-up call and increase awareness. “No doubt getting married, raising children and becoming a homeowner gives us a lot of extra things to think about. When we worry, stress and overthink, the less energy we have. Choose to focus on the now and your energy will grow,” she says. Let yourself feel your emotions and use them as guideposts. Don’t let busy become an obstacle Obligations can interfere with what’s calling to us. Jen Sincero, best-selling author of You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, says, “When you constantly deny yourself the people, food, things and experiences that make you feel the most alive, that sends a pretty lousy message home.” Decide you are worth doing the things you love. She suggests making a conscious decision to increase your joy in whatever capacity you can. Plan the trip you’ve always wanted to take. Pursue a goal you fear. Spend an afternoon with a friend, dance at an outdoor music festival or buy an impractical pair of shoes. Don’t let busy win. Sure, you might not be able read in a hammock for four hours straight, but can you read every day for 30 minutes? Put yourself first Are you one of those people who never focuses on yourself? Start putting yourself first and trust that doing so will make you even more fulfilled and better able to give back to others. Investing in yourself is not selfish. “We drift away from doing what we once loved because it doesn’t fit our new lifestyle anymore or our partner doesn’t like the activity,” says Pat Pearson, a family therapist and author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Get Out of Your Own Way to Earn More Money, Improve Your Relationships, and Find the Success You Deserve. “You don’t sing at the top of your lungs because the baby is napping. Life and love is a cost-benefit analysis. If the cost is too high and the benefit too low, we give up even enjoyable activities.” She suggests asking yourself this critical question: What do I want? “If it’s important to your well-being, you shouldn’t give it up. Find the place where you can have your joy and your spouse can have his/hers. Never give up on what you love if it feeds your soul. Negotiate on the time and space to make it happen.” Do not delay As writer Anne Dillard wrote, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” While it might be comforting to promise ourselves “later” for those activities we love, the reality is we have to get them on our schedules in order for them to happen. Big life events—the death of a parent, a milestone birthday, an illness—can stir us awake and fuel our desire to pursue our passions, but without daily habits in place we often fall back into old routines. Seize the day. Tag team The obstacles to writing the next great novel or reveling in the joy of dancing alone in your house can be a matter of practicality. To give yourself more time, set up time swaps with your significant other. One of you has the kids, the other gets half a day to work on a personal goal. Switch places the next day or weekend. Do a date night swap Another practical fix is teaming up with friends to create windows of adult time. Gone are the days when babysitters are inexpensive. Instead of doing away with date nights or spontaneity due to the costs, swap date nights with another couple. This is an easy solution that will make your kids and wallet happy. Now you can date your spouse again. If you want to continue your education, get a massage, paint like you used to, start a side business or kayak in a new body of water, the most important first step is directing your attention to what you desire. Create a life with a rich blend of responsibilities and top interests.