Self-Care

We dream all year of slow, sun-soaked months full of laughter, good food and outdoor adventures. We asked our readers to share their favorite summer memories, and here’s what you had to say. Being a Kid As a kid, summer always had no bedtimes so I could play outdoors later. The neighbor kids and I played basketball by the streetlight or baseball in the street. A great bond with all the kids...girls or boys. It didn’t matter, we had fun!—Carla T. We would play until sundown and drink out of the hose if we were thirsty. We played hopscotch, freeze tag, played in the sprinklers, anything we could think of! Being from Arizona, we didn’t care if the sidewalk was hot. We just loved being outside with our friends.— Keren M. Our Favorite Watering Hole I would lie in a hammock reading a Beverly Cleary book and listening to water lapping against the lakeshore.—Margaret G. I remember going to the pool day in and day out. Hot weather, cloudy weather, humid weather; I lived at the neighborhood pool in the summertime.—Jessie N. The Great Outdoors Swinging on our tire swing from our big oak tree with our neighborhood friends while listening to the crickets, and waiting for the ice cream man.—Jean V. Catching pollywogs and minnows in our irrigation drainage ditches.—Sharon N. Running around playing in that soft and breezy evening air that feels like a light-touch massage on your sun-kissed skin as those long summer days melt into nighttime.—Lauren S. Cookouts and Campfires Cookouts and roasting marshmallows over the fire and running barefoot and catching fireflies. Days spent on the water, reading in the hammock by the water, new friends and late-night jam sessions and…and…and…I love summer!—Katherine E. Camping takes the cake hands down. We always go with a big group, and there are so many things to do: swimming, rafting, playing cards or just hanging out around the campfire and gazing at the stars all night. The nature of being with friends and family outdoors in a different environment, sharing and caring for one another is what I love.—Markus D. Here’s what the experts have to say: “When you think back to a past experience, your brain does something called ‘mental time travel.’ It reactivates the details of that experience, allowing you to revisit the past, in a sense. The brain is also full of circuits designed to hang on to recent thoughts, memories and impressions. So, if you think back to a happy memory, those positive details get reactivated and can stick around, infusing whatever you do next with that happy mood.” —Sean Polyn is an assistant professor of psychology at Vanderbilt University, where he runs the Vanderbilt Computational Memory Lab. “Reminiscence is considered a type of savoring, which is the term researchers most often use to describe ways in which people can maintain or increase positive affect.…Research has also shown that positive emotions can affect our underlying physiology by helping us to recover from stress more quickly, and on a broader scale, are linked to increased longevity. So it is through the short-term boosts in positive emotions, such as happiness and joy, gratitude and love, that reminiscence may enhance our well-being.” —Amy Gentzler, Ph.D., is an associate professor of psychology at West Virginia University where she is part of the Lifespan Development program.

One of my clients held the belief that money wouldn’t stay with her. Even though she made good money, she could not keep it. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. We manifest what we believe in life. However, most of us aren’t even aware of the many negative subconscious beliefs that we’ve been operating under for years. I will share with you many of the negative and positive beliefs that have been encoded in our blueprints and passed down from generation to generation. As you go over these negative beliefs, I invite you to examine which ones you may hold—in fact, you may even shout out, as some of my clients do: “This one! That is exactly what I believe!” Let’s start with negative beliefs. Money is bad. A lot of people have a negative view of money. At the very least, they feel they have to be cautious when they deal with money. Whatever you do, you have to be careful. Money can be a bad thing. Money disappears fast. When you need money most, you cannot find it. It quickly disappears. Right after it comes into your life, it will go fast! In Japanese, we used to call it oashi, which means “feet.” Money seems to walk quickly away from you. I guess we can all relate a little to this one! Money hurts people. This is also a common belief. Money, in the literal sense, cannot hurt people. However, we may feel hurt because money triggers some pain in us: sometimes it triggers our lack of self-worth, sometimes our past relationship issues. Sometimes people do use money as a weapon. They use it to attack others or buy things that can cause harm to people. Money is scary. When we think that money can accomplish anything, money seems bigger than what it is. We know we can get hurt by money. That is why we begin to be afraid of money. We are afraid of many things. But money by itself is not scary. Money creates trouble. If you have a bad memory about money, you may feel this way. But money doesn’t create trouble; we do. We create trouble when we break promises or contracts, withhold money out of greed, miss payments, or don’t use it in a sincere way. Money invites jealousy. We are afraid of negative attention in general. Having a lot of money can cause that. So if you feel hesitant about having a lot of money for this reason, that is understandable too. Now here are some positive beliefs about money: Money supports people. Of course, money can support people by enabling them to make a living, helping them learn new things, and providing them with security and all the necessities required to live. Money makes people happy. As I mentioned in previous sections, money does elicit positive emotions as well. You can in fact feel happy about money even if you have only a little of it. When given or received with happy energy, money can make someone feel good. Even a postcard can make someone feel happy. Money helps realize dreams. This is a good one too. People have all kinds of dreams, and sometimes money helps to fund them. They can be as expensive as a trip to Mars or they can cost very little. Money bonds people. If you spend money wisely, you can help create better relationships. For example, you can use money to plan a family trip and make happy memories that will last a lifetime. You can use money to make all kinds of fun arrangements that bring you closer to your family and friends. Sometimes I use my money to treat young students to lunch. I’ll invite twenty or thirty together and we’ll talk and laugh. Money warms people’s hearts. You can send flowers to sick friends. You can send money to foster care facilities. A few years ago, there was an anonymous donation of school back- packs to a local orphanage here in Japan. The sender of the gift called him- or herself “Tigermask,” which is the name of a famous cartoon character in Japan. After news of the donation was broadcast on TV, hundreds of similar donations started to arrive not only at the orphanage but at nursing homes and other places that needed similar support. That movement inspired everyone and gave them a warm feeling. From Happy Money by Ken Honda. Copyright 2019 by Ken Honda. Excerpted by permission of Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster.

I’ll never forget the day that my self-confidence about my body plummeted to the ground, only to be restored more than a decade later, long after the damage was done. “The vanilla milkshake goes to the heavy one,” my father noted to the Howard Johnson’s waitress who was taking orders from our family, including my crestfallen, 8-year-old self. “Heavy?” I looked at my father with surprise and hurt as he continued with the table’s lunch order, clearly not applying that dreaded word to my older sister or my mother, the two other females at the table. Having the lowest possible number on the scale was most women’s goal at the time, but until that pivotal moment in my life, weight had been nothing more than what the doctor wrote down at my annual physical, particularly because I didn’t have a weight problem by any conventional standards. At age 14, my peers at my private girl’s school in Washington, D.C., told me that I could throw up all of my food after meals and never pay the price of weight gain. Few people knew enough to call it bulimia, but that’s what it was, and it became my secret self-destructive lover for the next eight years. Although I maintained a public façade of health, bulimia took my personality, athleticism and joy hostage until I started to recover in 1984, a recovery I have successfully maintained for more than 30 years. My two adult sons and adult daughter have disliked their bodies at one time or another, partly because of how society still dictates that shape equals success and happiness, and partly because they inherited a genetic legacy of addictive and/or perfectionist traits from both parents. None live with the tyranny of an eating disorder and haven’t suffered in the ways I did, so I’d like to share a few tips that can help people raise children with better chances of having positive body images in a world that still bombards young adults from every direction with images and statements that continue to judge their physical appearances. Praise who they are, not what they weigh: For most of my life, my parents commented on whether or not I met their criteria for being the right weight. One awful night in high school, they decided that I was so heavy that I had to weigh myself in front of them. I’ll never forget my fury and shame as I climbed onto the scale and the number went higher than what my mother or older sister weighed, but landed on a number certainly not inappropriate for my height of nearly 5 feet 11 inches. If I had heard more praise for my success as an athlete, or my dedication to academics, or that I was more than a number on a scale, it would have gone a long way toward helping me learn how to love myself. Be a good role model around food and fitness: Although both of my parents inherited athletic, lean bodies, they didn’t show me how to take care of my own through positive activities or food consumption. As a parent, I’ve tried to live in the way I wish I had been raised, so there are no scales in our house, I never talk about my weight or go on a diet, I eat consistently and healthfully with moderate portions, and the children know that I pursue competitive and pleasurable athletics because it invigorates and restores my soul. Don’t compare your children to anyone else: Children don’t need to be overpraised for simply existing, because research shows that it is an ineffective way to create self-esteem, but they do need to know that they have unique strengths that are positive and are not tied in with superficial traits like beauty or weight. Carol Dweck, Ph.D., is one of the leading researchers in the field of motivation and achievement. Her work on “fixed” and “growth” mindsets shows that praising children for their efforts is the best way to build persistence and curiosity, so stay focused on what they are passionate about and not what anyone else is doing. Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We do the best we can with the tools available to us, and the mistakes we make are not always from a place of malice but from a place of ignorance. Children with positive body images are more likely to come from families that emphasize well-being, gratitude, kindness and healthy activities over superficial goals like beauty and thinness, so foster an environment that promotes the importance of who you are inside and what your healthy body can do for you. This article originally appeared in the April 2016 issue of Live Happy magazine.

We’ve all been there, some even call it the witching hour. You find yourself eyes half open where it’s too early to start the day, but seems too late to fall back asleep. My clients often report that they wake up and immediately their mind is spinning; thoughts on what they need to do during the day, replaying events from the day before, even reaching for their phones to start checking emails and Instagram (because hey, someone I follow is on another time zone, and they are already having midday snack). Unfortunately, this sort of environment in the mind becomes a battle between an exhausted, and not fully awake mind that just wants to get going against cognitive efforts to convince yourself to fall asleep. “I need to get to sleep; I have a big meeting in the morning.” “If I don’t fall asleep now, I won’t get to work on time.” Or even worse, getting up two hours before rise time and finding yourself napping at your desk by 10 a.m. Sleeping is one of those underrated things that people loosely use to explain away their everyday problems. “I’m exhausted, I didn’t sleep well.” “My child had a fever, and we were both up all night.” “Once I have some coffee I’ll wake up.” Do this sound familiar? Sleep deprivation is a national epidemic. The NHTSA says it’s responsible for 72,000 crashes on the road every year, poor testing scores in children, a lot of the mood disorders people experience and it’s been attributed to some physiological disease processes as well. Sleep is the time when our body repairs itself, cheating yourself of those extra two hours in the morning is what contributes to lack of focus at work, short tempers and less productivity. Here are some strategies that will calm the mind enough to allow you to doze back to dream land. 1. Without turning on any lights, roll to your right side (consult a physician if you are pregnant or have known heart issues). When we roll to our right side (our heart side) we relieve pressure, which allows our blood pressure to reach homeostasis. 2. Without opening your eyes, try lifting your eyebrows. Some would also say gaze up to the spot in between your eyes (known as your third eye). This action will naturally allow any tension you are holding in your face to calm. Also, notice if you are holding your jaw tight during this time, relax it. Conversely you can tighten all the muscles in your face and then relax them. 3. Create a mantra you will use such as: “this thought is not welcome now; I invite it back in the morning.” While laying on your right side, with your face relaxed, take a deep breath in through the nose, letting your belly expand, and hold it slightly, then release it back through your nose. This is where the mind loves to take off. Insert your mantra here. 4. If you struggle to let go of thought because you are afraid you will need it tomorrow, keep a note pad and pen by the bed and jot it down. Make sure that you follow all of the above, low lights, and once you are ready to reset, lights out. 5. Do not be tempted by electronics (keep them in another room if needed). Reaching for your phone, flipping on the TV or grabbing your iPad is inserting blue light into the already complicated brain matter. The mind responds to this blue light as if it were day, ultimately throwing off your circadian rhythm which is how we get stuck in the 4am wake-up call day after day. 6. Do not get up. Making herbal tea might seem like a nice idea but once we stand up, physiological changes happen in our body. Our parasympathetic nervous system (whose job is to work when we rest, by conserving energy, slowing the heart rate, regulating a slightly lower body temperature, increasing intestinal and gland activity, and relaxing the sphincter muscles in the gastrointestinal tract) says, “time to shut off.” Then, our physical body switches over to non-resting mode, notably a faster heart rate, a higher body temperature and alertness. Remember, nothing that has come to you during the precious time of rest is more important than getting your rest so you can be as effective as possible during your day. If you can cognitively believe that this time of sleep is as important (if not more important) that anything else you do in your day, then you can consider sleep an important job, just like any other job you do. And you work hard, so you owe it to yourself to get your rest.

A few years ago, we were mentoring a young high school student whose goal was to be a social worker in his struggling neighborhood. With strong grades, he was accepted to his first-choice college. The only thing standing in his way was money. Twice he met with an adviser to talk about financial aid. Twice she told him there would be none because funds had already been allocated. The aspiring student went to the counselor’s office one more time. She was at lunch, so he started explaining to the receptionist how he knew his purpose in life was to help his community, but he needed support to turn his dream into a reality. The head of student financial aid overheard his story from her office next door and promptly met with him to figure out a plan to get him the aid he needed. He started college that fall. Success is never achieved in a vacuum. Having clarity of purpose is powerful; sharing it with others and getting them aligned with your goals raises that power exponentially. It can unlock doors in surprising ways. Whether your purpose in the world is to create a thriving business; raise healthy, happy children or donate time at a nearby home for the elderly; talking about it with others connects them with your deepest mission and can often lead to resources and opportunities. Too often we are held back by fear of what others will think, but that fear keeps us from connecting deeply with people and deprives them of the chance to be part of our success story. There are two ways you can share a vision or goal: broadcast or narrowcast. Broadcasting your goals to many people in your social support network can be like buying a bunch of lottery tickets. One or a number of them might hit. A young woman we know wanted to go to an MBA immersion program in China but couldn’t afford it so she broadcasted her need for financial support to her network. She ended up raising more money than she required. Sometimes sharing is better done with just a handful of people; in that case, narrowcasting the message is your best option. If you have a targeted goal that would be best received by a specific subset of people, narrowcast. This approach is ideal for those of us with limited time or resources. For example, a 15-year-old girl who started a series of local urban farms decided to narrowcast her mission to feed the hungry only to other teen farmers. She created a DIY guide and shared it with those who had shown interest in joining the movement. Her organization grew from a few farms to more than 75 gardens in 27 states! Determine whether narrowcasting or broadcasting is best for your current vision. Creating that collective, purpose-driven spirit can be as easy as saying one positive word. In a recent Stanford University study, researchers found that including the word “together” motivated people to work substantially longer and produce better-quality work. Participants first met in small groups and were split up later to work on challenging puzzles. Half of the students were told that they would be working on the puzzles “together” with their peers, even though they would be in different rooms. Each participant would exchange tips with other team members (via the researchers) to help figure out the puzzle. The rest of the participants were not told they were working together with the others; they thought the clues came from the researchers. Those who thought they were working together ended up laboring 48 percent longer, solved more of the problem sets correctly and were less tired after the challenge! People will work harder and longer when they feel connected to the purpose behind an activity and to each other. The results of having a clear vision of purpose are magnified when it is a collective vision. We’ve seen in our work at the Institute for Applied Positive Research that creating a positive, optimistic collective narrative about the process of achieving goals by connecting it back to purpose can boost sales, productivity and even help us lose weight. We all have a higher purpose in this world, and people are often more willing to help us achieve our goals than we might realize. How can you involve others in your quest to fulfill your purpose? Whether you broadcast or narrowcast your aspirations, involving others pays dividends and can propel you farther and faster than you imagined. (This article originally appeared in the October 2015 issue of Live Happy magazine.)

Laughteris a universal language. Wherever you are in the world, the slightest hint of a smile canconnect you to a stranger. It’s recognized by people and cultures across the globe, from Inuits in the Arctic to Maasai in Kenya. It is one of the most versatile communication tools, and forms of it are used by many different species. According to one study, even rats emit high-pitched squeaks when they are tickled (though don’t try this if you come across one). We are born to be able to laugh; it is one of the first responses we learn. As we grow up, we develop our laughter ability and use it for a range of purposes. In addition to its being one of the natural reactions to humor (depending on how funny you are?), laughter can help in social situations. Think about it, have you ever laughed at jokes you don’t think are funny? It’s a way we feel we get accepted in groups or even show we like someone. Research by Sophie Scott, Ph.D., neuroscientist at University College London, shows that we tend to laugh more at jokes from people we like or who we want to like us. So next time you find someone guffawing at your one-liner, maybe it’s because that person really likes you. The lovely thing about positive laughter is it’s contagious. Think about how many times you’ve laughed just at the sound of someone’s laughter? When we hear laughter, our body prepares muscles in our face to laugh. We are hardwired to find laughter funny. There are a bunch of neurons in our brains called mirror neurons, and they do exactly that, mirror other people’s emotions. This part of the brain helps with empathy and tunes into others’ emotions. This is the part of the brain that’s exploited in live recorded U.S. sitcoms, where audiences are often picked specifically for their infectious laughs. When we hear these laughs, we think the content is funnier, too! Laughter is also really good for us for physiological advantages. As I mention in my book Laughology, research shows laughtercan helpblood vessels function better, lowerthe riskof cardiovascular disease, relieve pain and reducestress hormonessuch ascortisol, epinephrine and adrenaline, thereby helping to guard againstweight gain, heart strain and lack of sleep. If you’re still not convinced of the advantages, you should know that laughter releases feel-good hormones such as endorphinsand serotonin,whichcanboost thebody’simmune system. As well as all that, laughter is a great workout, raising the heart rate and exercising the diaphragm,stomachand shouldermuscles. And it doesn’t end there. Along with the social, chemical and physical effects, laughtergives usmentalclarityin difficult situations and diffuses stressful ones.It providesa perspective that canencourage creative thinking andenhance problem-solving skills. It’s a powerful toolthat can improve communication, relationships anddecision making. The human brain changes constantly in response to stimuli, such as behavior and environment, around us. This constant adjustment is called neuroplasticity—a process by which we learn and evolve. Neuroplasticity enables us to train our brains to use humor to find perspective, become more positive andbe open tomore laughterin our lives. Humor is also an effective tool for interrupting unhealthy automatic responses to everyday situations. For example, during family gatherings where there are lots of different personalities, some of which might clash, try to imagine how a comedian would view the situation from that perspective, concentrating on the humor. You can even use laughter to trick yourself into having a good time. For example, all of us have found ourselves in social situations we don’t want to be in. At first, we fake interest and laughter. Then something strange happens. We begin to enjoy ourselves. This happens because the motor neuron function of the brain recognizes that the actions we’re performing—smiling, laughing, engaging socially—relate to an emotional state. Happiness. The brain, then, creates the emotional response to fit. So even though we may have to fake it at first, real laughs and feelings of happiness follow. That’s definitely something to celebrate! Here are a few practical ways to increase the laughter in your life: Make a conscious effort to go to a comedy club once a month. Make a laughter board for your home or workplace with pictures and photos that make you laugh. Try to use positive language, not just verbally but inyour internal dialogueas well. Substitute words such as “hard” for “challenging.” Be aware of the things that make youlaugh and build a mental stockoftheselaughter triggers to be recalled at stressful times. Spend more time with the people who make you laugh and less time with thoseI call “mood hoovers” who leave you drained.

I always say the best relationships are grounded in making our partner’s happiness and well-being equal to our own. What I mean is that each partner needs to strike a balance between what’s best for the relationship and what’s best for themselves. This delicate balancing act isn’t about ignoring our own desires, stifling our emotions or even making the other person our sole priority. Rather, just as you’re mindful of your feelings and desires, you should do the same for your partner’s. I call this “partner mindfulness,” and it involves nonjudgmental focus and awareness of your partner’s wants and needs, both in the moments you’re together and while you’re apart. Case in point: I recently spoke with a client about working on partner mindfulness, and her initial response was, “He does him and I do me, and I honestly don’t know if either of us can go back to the days of putting each other first.” I told her, “I’m not looking for you to put him first, just tied for first some of the time.” Partner mindfulness makes it easier to achieve this desired state of being in a relationship. Mindfulness, in its most basic form, is a skill we all exercise when addressing the needs and wants of our children, friends and co-workers, yet many of us put those tools away when it comes to our partners—especially during times of conflict and stress. When we practice partner mindfulness, though, we’re stepping outside our own thoughts and into our partner’s, allowing us to empathize and feel what it’s like to be in his or her shoes. It helps build bridges that will increase our connection and intimacy, lower stress, lessen conflict and increase our overall happiness. In short, it makes our partner feel heard, prioritized and nurtured. Now, I know life gets busy and most of us are juggling responsibilities and feeling pulled in many directions. The last thing you need is one more “to do” on your list, but hear me out. Here are nine quick, easy ways to practice partner mindfulness that you can integrate into your life every day: 1. Be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship. Assess your connection with your partner and ask yourself how attentive you are to each other’s wants and needs. 2. Commit to improving. Take it upon yourself to put in the extra effort and work on developing a stronger bond. 3. Narrow your focus. Clear your own thoughts and feelings and take a few moments to think exclusively about your partner, how he or she might be feeling, what his or her perspective is, and what he or she might want or need. For example, if your partner had a tough day and comes home in a bad mood, instead of thinking about how his or her irritability is affecting you, consider how your partner is feeling and how stressful it is to have a bad day that you can’t shake. 4. Make bookend connections.Make it a point to connect when you wake up in the morning and right before you go to sleep. Say goodbye when you part ways and hello when you return home. The simple act of giving your partner a hug or a kiss hello and goodbye allows you to focus on each other and your relationship for a moment. 5. Let your partner know what you appreciate about him or her. Take the time to acknowledge the good. 6. Be compassionate. If your partner is in a bad mood or is having a tough time connecting with you, approach him or her with compassion and understanding instead of disappointment or frustration. 7. Respond, DON’T REACT.Pause, think about how you want to respond and then put effort into interacting in a thoughtful, kind and loving way, even if you’re upset. 8. Focus on communication. Be aware of the messages, both verbal and nonverbal, you’re sending and make sure you’re mindful of your partner’s feelings. 9. Strike a balance. Assess your partner’s wants and needs. Try to behave in ways that take both of your feelings into account. When you’re feeling ignored or dissatisfied, it may seem unfair or even annoying to be the person who instigates this type of change and to be the one who demonstrates more sensitivity to your partner and your relationship. Relationships require ongoing work and effort to be rewarding and fulfilling, though. And when you make the commitment to motivate and influence each other, as an added bonus, your children will witness their parents being great role models and learn skills for successful relationships. So I encourage you to take the first step. As Gandhi says, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.” (This article originally appeared in the August 2015 issue of Live Happy magazine.)

Aside from devoting our time and mental energy to work, we often unconsciously hand over something far more precious—our self-worth. You may have high hopes for that swanky new job, but your excitement will almost always be less intense and less lasting than you predict. Researchers find that your impact bias, the gap between what you think you will feel and what you actually end up feeling, often leads you to “miswant”: you pine for futures that don’t end up making you very happy. It’s time to shed the unhealthy habit of glorifying the future to justify a miserable present. Stop feeling bad about feeling bad Our jobs can put a lot of pressure on us to radiate happiness and positivity. But the nature of work is to experience setbacks and to show up when you’re needed, even if you don’t feel like it. So stop blaming yourself for not feeling happy all the time. When we try to suppress our sadness, disappointment or anger, we are more likely to feel those same emotions. University of Toronto assistant professor Brett Ford explains, “People who accept these emotions without judging or trying to change them are able to cope with their stress more successfully.” Focus on the here and now We’re happiest when we live in the moment, no matter what we’re working on. When our minds wander toward the past or the future, they often end up ruminating. Rumination differs from healthy reflection, when we analyze specific elements of a problem to better understand it. The first step to feeling better is to notice your cognitive distortions, or the dirty tricks your brain plays on you. If you find yourself pessimistically obsessing, reframe your thoughts. Another way to stop yourself from ruminating is through social distancing, when you try to look at your situation through someone else’s eyes. Ask yourself, “What advice would I give to a friend who felt similarly?” Lastly, remember your thoughts are simply that: thoughts. Acknowledge them, but recognize they are not inevitable truths. Let go of what you can’t control Stressors fall into two categories: those you can do something about (the withins) and those beyond your control (the beyonds). If you’re anxious because of withins— unanswered emails in your inbox or an impending deadline—the easiest way to feel better is to complete the thing that is stressing you out. How do you stop stressing about the things you can’t control? First, you have to be diligent about recognizing what you can’t control. If you feel responsible for the beyonds, you’ll never be able to confidently say you’ve done enough and relax. TAKEAWAYS 1. Take the break you can, whether it’s a vacation, a day off, or a minibreak. 2. Make time to be rigorously unproductive, see friends and family, and step away from your email and phone. 3. Stop feeling bad about feeling bad. Reframe your stress as motivation or excitement. 4. Prevent rumination by viewing your thoughts as simply thoughts, not as inevitable truths. Stay in the present and take care of the things within your control.

People may often think of old age in negative ways; having aches and pains, becoming more forgetful and possibly grumpy. However, while some of these stereotypes may hold, healthy older adults (typically defined as over the age of 65) often report being happier than people in their middle-age (loosely defined around the ages of 40-50). Happiness can be experienced more often when we are older, contrary to most peoples’ expectations of old age. Perhaps our definition of happiness is what changes as we get older. Happiness can be defined as both the feeling of pleasure and the feeling of overall contentment. In general, we are often guided by a simple principle: seek pleasure and avoid pain. Another form of happiness, our overall assessment of what we have done in life (our level of “life satisfaction”), involves self-reflection and determining one’s contentment with their whole life.  Older adults often report high levels of life satisfaction. Things like regret may be minimized—even if there were negative things in our life, or missed opportunities. We might overshadow these negative emotions by focusing on the positives. Older adults often show a “positivity effect” when remembering life events, such that positive emotional events will be more often recalled that dwelling on negative things.  It may simply be due to this positivity effect that makes older adults happier. Despite the evidence that old age can be a happy time, many hold the belief that youth is associated with happiness, and the media portrays this with “youthful” models.  As a result, both younger and older adults often think young people are happier. Psychologists asked groups of younger 30-year-olds and older 70-year-olds which age group (30 or 70) they thought would be happier. Both younger and older adults choose the younger age group.  However, when they rated their own levels of happiness, it was the 70-year-olds who scored higher than the 30-year-olds. It is important to know that old age can be a happy time, so that we prepare for it with healthy habits and good friends to enjoy this rewarding time in our life. Our attitude about aging plays an important role in what we will experience in older age.  Research has shown that people who hold negative beliefs about aging (e.g., you can’t teach an old dog new tricks) are less happy in older age, and don’t live as long as those people with more positive attitudes about aging.  To have a positive attitude about aging, it is useful to have a role model of “successful aging,” a grandparent, aunt or uncle, or other notable people (such as Sully Sullenberger, Bob Newhart and Maya Angelou, to name a few). There can be many challenges as we grow older, but old age can be some of the most fulfilling and happiest times in our lives.

Your capacity to hold all the things in your life that cause your body or your mind any kind of stress can be thought of as a bucket. It holds all of your responsibilities, the myriad stresses and burdens you face. It holds the commitments you take on—the big ones and the small ones, the temporary and the long term, those you’ve chosen and those life has handed to you. Eventually, if you continue to load things into your bucket—whether by choice, necessity, or simply because you’ve spent more time on the planet—your bucket will overflow. When it does, you experience overwhelm. Remember: overwhelm can manifest physically as disease or symptoms; mentally as anxiety, depression, or other psychological disorders; and spiritually as a sense of generalized purposelessness or dissatisfaction with everyone and everything. Whatever your genetic predisposition or weak spot is, that’s likely to be the place or the way that overwhelm will announce itself. On the other hand, if there’s room in your bucket, you have the capacity and space in your life to deal with the inevitable stresses that pop up as a matter of course. You’re better able to manage whatever comes your way in any given day or any given season of your life. Creating and maintaining that extra room in your bucket is what prevents overwhelm over the long haul. That’s why it’s imperative to pay attention to, and deliberately curate, the contents of your bucket. If your bucket is filled with things that aren’t important to you, you don’t have room for the things that are truly important. Your marriage may add some stressors to your bucket, but you want to be there for it. You want to devote time to your own long-term goals, even if taking time to work on them puts stress on your schedule. Getting a handle on which stresses you want to remove and which you can remove, and then systematically removing them, ensures both that your energy is devoted to what means most and that you have room left for the inevitable unanticipated stressors that life throws at you. When you have room available, those day-to-day curveballs don’t have, or don’t have as much of, a negative impact on your health and well-being. It changes the game. Thinking about how full your bucket is, and enumerating all of the stresses that you face day in and day out, can be daunting at first, but it is actually the single most important thing that can be done to begin decreasing your sense of overwhelm. Once you can enumerate them, you will be able to identify many things that you can address with ease, making more room to deal with the more difficult stresses or the things that you simply cannot change. What’s in Your Bucket? Stresses arise in a variety of domains common to the human experience: physical, mental, and emotional health; nutrition; environment; relationships; habits and lifestyle; and your current circumstances. How much stress you experience in each domain will vary dramatically from person to person based on your own history and situation. It’s literally impossible to get rid of all the things in your bucket that are adding to your burden, but the good news is that you don’t have to. By examining what stresses you experience in each domain, it becomes easier to see both what is driving your overwhelm and where you can make the most effective changes with the least amount of effort. For example, for more restful sleep, there are a number of approaches that might work for you. You could decide to take the TV out of your bedroom, stop drinking caffeine after lunch, exercise more, use melatonin, or even take a prescription drug if that lines up with your values. The Big, the Small, the Minutiae The stresses in your bucket range from the obvious and acute to minor irritants to stresses so under the radar you may not even be aware how they are affecting you. In conventional approaches to stress management, the stresses we think about managing are usually those arising from major life events and changes, such as a divorce, the death of a loved one, getting married, moving, starting school, a sick family member, work pressures, or other circumstances that are out of our control. No doubt these big, easy-to-identify stresses create a significant impact. But lurking quietly behind them are the stresses that seem too small to count — the ones that accumulate day to day, month to month, year to year, and over a lifetime. They are the daily issues and annoyances of life — dissatisfying interactions with people we encounter while at work or school or doing errands, or minor undone tasks. They can arise as a result of the choices we make about a plethora of things, including our food, our environment, our work, who we choose to spend time with, family dynamics, finances, and how we use our time. Some of the things that affect us are common to first-world cultures: relationship conflicts, dealing with bureaucracy or technology snafus, sitting at a desk all day, or doing taxes. Some of them are more specific to the individual: driving a car for a living if you have chronic back pain, too much sugar in your diet if you have high (or low) blood sugar, not enough sleep if you have migraines. Some are smaller and specific: an ingrown toenail keeping you from exercising, eating ice cream if you’re lactose intolerant. Or they are smaller and more universal: eating too much at dinner, forgetting to floss, or standing in a long line at the post office. Then there is the really small stuff: a squeaky drawer, the missing button on your favorite shirt, a slow drain. Most people don’t think about such trivial things as having any impact at all on their being overwhelmed, but little things add up quickly, especially when they also have bigger things on their plates. Overall, there are likely to be many things that you aren’t yet conscious of or don’t yet understand are causing you stress — physically, mentally, or emotionally. These are the real drivers of overwhelm, and learning what they are and how to unload them is the path to getting your life back. By taking stock of all of the big, small, and minute stresses that burden your system, you will be able to identify dozens of stresses that you can eliminate from your bucket, thus making more room for you to deal with the stresses you can’t. How to Think about Change Everything in your bucket can be put into one of three categories: Things you can’t change Things you can change Things you choose not to change THINGS YOU CAN’T CHANGE There are always things in life that are out going to be out of your control. People disappoint you. Companies undergo mass layoffs. Your car gets sideswiped. Termites get at the foundation of your house. Your country elects officials that you are ideologically opposed to. The list goes on and on and on. When you’re faced with these events and situations, it’s easy to get down or feel overwhelmed. Ultimately, though, if we let ourselves get anxious, down, or immobilized because of things we truly can’t change, we are setting ourselves up for a long and difficult haul. And there is another option: acceptance. That doesn’t mean you have to be happy about injustice or difficult circumstances, or that you should stop fighting for what’s important to you, but it does mean choosing not to let it undo you. THINGS YOU CAN CHANGE The number of stresses in your life that you do have control over — things you can change, if you choose to — dwarfs the number of stresses that you don’t. You may or may not change them all — or certainly not all at once — but I want you to know that it is well within your power to make easy, impactful shifts in your life. The less you feel like a victim of stress and circumstance, and the more you exercise choice in your own life, the less overwhelmed you’ll be. THINGS YOU CHOOSE NOT TO CHANGE Just because you can change things doesn’t mean you will choose to change them, or that choosing to change them is even the best option. You could move to get away from the noisy neighbors, but that would mean taking your child out of a school that is a great fit. You could cancel cable and get a gym membership, but watching football is how your family connects after a long, busy week. Life is complicated. We have responsibilities and commitments. We have many things we want to do. Given that, I want you to acknowledge that there are some things you know you should do but aren’t up for doing right now. If you acknowledge that you are choosing not to change something — be it more significant (a relationship or a job) or less significant (staying away from coffee or not using plastic water bottles) — you can stop judging yourself and get on with the things that you are willing to do. This decision puts control firmly back in your own hands and reduces stress you add to your bucket by worrying about all the things you’re not doing or why you can’t surmount the limitations of time, space, and gravity. Tolerations Many of the stresses in our lives are there because it seems easier to ignore them than to deal with them. I call these “tolerations.” A toleration can be a little thing, like a dirty window, splitting fingernails, or the squeaky door that has been making you cringe for six months every time you go into your office. But it can also be a bigger thing, such as the unspoken anger that you’ve been carrying toward someone for years, chronic pain you’re afraid to see a doctor about, or a moldy basement that you are not dealing with because you’re afraid to find out that fixing it will cost more than you have to spend. On some level, many of the things in your bucket are tolerations until you consciously decide to either take them out or put them in the category of things you choose not to change — right now or maybe ever. One of my personal tolerations was my office keyboard tray. A few years ago, I pulled it toward me and the slider mechanism that had been smooth was suddenly bumpy and loud. From then on, every time I slid the tray out, it went “bunk-a-bunk-a-bunka-bunk.” It drove me out of my mind. I spent an entire year unsuccessfully trying different ways to fix it until it became obvious that I had two only choices left: hire a handyman or just deal with it. I decided that I would just deal. This was something I was choosing not to change. Just like that, I had put myself back in charge and that alone changed my experience. A situation I had been tolerating, which had been causing me an unreasonable amount of stress for an unreasonable amount of time, was now no longer an issue — no longer taking up space in my bucket. There are many things that make us put up with tolerations. Laziness. Fear of confrontation. Worry about how much something will cost. Concern that something will take too much time or open a Pandora’s box of other tasks to do or things that need to be handled. Or simply putting other day-to-day tasks or situations first, again and again. Always, though, when you finally do deal with a toleration, you decrease your overwhelm and make more room for other changes. The smaller tolerations, like my clunky keyboard, add up, and they will continue adding to the stress in your bucket until you finally face them head-on and decide to change or not change them. And with bigger tolerations, the relief we feel when we address them is often profound, as we usually haven’t even realized how much they have been weighing us down. (Excerpted from Overcoming Overwhelm: Dismantle Your Stress from the Inside Out by Dr. Samantha Brody. Copyright © 2019 Dr. Samantha Brody. To be published in January 2019 by Sounds True)