Self-Care | Live Happy

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7 Steps Toward a Better Day

We all experience times in life where we feel things are not going well. No one is happy with those small moments when traffic is not moving and we’re running late, or when our kids won’t listen, or when things feel out of control at work. We are further affected by those larger-scale moments when we get earth-shattering bad news or experience a painful loss. As a psychotherapist who regularly offers herself as a shoulder to cry on and a resource for people in need, I spend many hours each day hearing about people’s struggles, sadness, fears, anger and pain. I am frequently asked how it is that I can take in so many emotionally heavy experiences and still manage to embrace happiness and positivity in a meaningful way. The truth is that sometimes it’s not easy to transition from deep, emotional conversations or experiences into an upbeat and positive mood. However, because I believe our emotions are like our eyes—that they affect how we see the world—I have learned that the ability to transform your emotions into a more positive space is an important skill to learn. An emotional makeover involves taking a situation, feeling or mood and altering it from a negative into a positive. You can take negative experiences for what they are—upsetting moments in time—and decide to makeover your mood. While you have no power over the day-to-day irritations, let alone life’s huge traumas, you do have control over how you respond and react. Here are some tools to help you do just that: 1. Evaluate Your Perspective. Ask yourself if you’re reading into things, jumping to conclusions or exaggerating the situation. For example, you run into a friend and she seems short with you and distracted. If you decide she is mad at you or doesn’t like you as much as she once did, and you don’t have facts to back that up, you may be causing your own emotional downer. Instead, reach out to that friend. Call or send a text saying, “It was great seeing you,” or “I miss you, let’s make plans,” or “I meant to tell you I loved your hair today.” Send a message of positivity as a way to connect and see if some positivity comes back your way. 2. Stay in the Present. Did something happen to you before that is multiplying the intensity of this situation? You ask your partner to do something around the house, and your partner didn’t do it...again. If you start to think about all of the times that he or she has neglected to do what you requested, you’re experiencing this emotional drag. Instead, take a breath and treat this incident as an isolated one, as if it has happened just this one time, and let your emotions reflect that one experience. Next, remind yourself of what you like about your partner. Once you have done both of these, you can calmly approach your partner to discuss the issue. 3. Move Your Body to Change Your Mood. Did your child act up, leaving you in a frustrated state? Did you have a bad day at work and get home feeling like it is still affecting your mood? If you continue to dwell on that negative experience, you’ll be spending the next several hours or days in an emotional pull-down. Do something physical that you enjoy to help pull yourself out of that mood. Put on headphones and take a walk, chop a bunch of vegetables or fruits to prepare a meal, lift weights, garden, unload the dishwasher. 4. Make the Most of Your Downtime. Do you find yourself thinking about all of the things that you have to do while you are supposed to be relaxing, resting and recharging over the weekend or in bed? This kind of badly timed emotional distress and rumination not only affects your mood, it also deprives your body and mind of the downtime it needs. Find a place to lie down, promise yourself you’ll think about these stressful things at a more appropriate time, close your eyes, and listen to your breathing. Picture the most beautiful or peaceful place that you can and start to think about what you love about it in as much detail as possible. This will shift your focus onto something positive and calming. 5. Seek Warmth. Initiate a hug, cuddle up in a blanket, soak in a hot bath, walk outside and stand in the sun if you feel cold, tense or wound up. These warming acts will serve to calm your negative emotions and lift a bad mood. 6. Practice the Positive. Is your first response “no,” and do you feel like anyone in the vicinity is at risk of getting a piece of your bad mood? Shift into positivity—place a smile on your face, and do something kind and positive for either yourself or someone else. Bring your neighbor cookies, help out a charitable organization or tell your mate all of the things that you like about him or her. 7. Initiate Connections. Do you feel isolated, withdrawn and alone in your emotional state? Call a friend, ask someone you live with or work with to take a walk with you or sit down and have a chat. Spending time with someone else is a great distraction from the negativity. In closing, I have some great news! When it comes to working on yourself and taking the time to learn the skills for an emotional makeover, you will discover that the more that you do it, the easier it gets!

Self-Care

Disconnect for Real Connection

Have you ever been tempted to kidnap your teen’s or your spouse’s phone and hold it for ransom—just long enough to get their attention? If so, you may be in luck, and it’s all because software developer Zack Prager kept forgetting to do the dishes. “I was having trouble keeping up with my chores at home, and my now-wife would get on me about not doing the dishes,” he says. “I realized that I was spending too much time on Instagram and Facebook and knew if she could block [those apps], it would be a good motivator to get my chores done.” That idea gave birth to Ransomly, an app that, when installed, sends a signal to the colorful, stone-shaped beacon that can be placed anywhere you want a phone-free zone. The beacon then locks up home screens of Android phones within range. Because of Apple’s restrictions that prohibit devices from blocking access to apps, Ransomly politely tells iOS users to put away their phones. “The idea is to create a space that encourages healthier relationships,” Zack explains. Zack, who earned a master’s of applied positive psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, says the app is the perfect addition to a family dinner table—or wherever you want to create a space to connect with your loved ones. “Anytime your phone buzzes or pings, or you look at the screen, it interrupts everything. It takes some of your bandwidth and you never really have full downtime,” he says. “I see this as a digital health tool to help you intervene with a potentially addictive device. It’s really all about molding the physical environment to help improve your mental well-being.” See more at Ransomly.com. This article originally appeared in the December 2017 edition of Live Happy magazine.

Calm brunette female with closed eyes, keeps both palms on heart, feels gratitude, being touched by something, dressed in casual pink t shirt, isolated over white background.

Self-Care

Forgiveness Means Freedom

Our families of origin, the families into which we are born, are the source not only of love, warmth, and special memories, but also of core wounds that can haunt us for a lifetime. On a spectrum of emotional injury, these wounds may fall anywhere from minor to devastating. In some families, these hurts were inflicted despite the best of intentions and greatest of efforts, while in others, the harm was more deliberate. In my medical practice, I frequently see patients who have low self-esteem or even feel self-hatred. On some level, as a result of the core wounding they experienced, they think they are unworthy of good health and nourishing relationships. While there are numerous causes of illness—viruses, bacterial infections, environmental toxins and more—the emotional fallout from core wounding may at best interfere with the body’s healing process and at worst have a more direct and adverse impact on physical health. In the interest of our own wellness, I maintain that it is essential for us to release ourselves from the consequences of harm from family members, whether that hurt was intentional or not, and whether it was severe or mild. I define this process as “forgiveness.” In a Slow Medicine context, forgiving means releasing ourselves from the shackles of resentment, hatred and other inflammatory emotions that, if left unchecked, can exacerbate the harm already done to us. Let me be perfectly clear: Forgiving does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It especially does not mean getting back into the ring with a manipulative, abusive or otherwise toxic individual. It does, however, require a deep reach into our own humanity. It asks that we recognize someone else’s limitations, accept the reality of their resulting behavior, and—most challenging of all—rise above it all. It asks that we ultimately make choices that support our health on every level. We can forgive family members and feel unconditional love for them, without ever seeing or speaking with them again. We even can forgive family members while taking them to court or otherwise holding them publicly accountable for their actions, as in the case of domestic violence. Forgiving simply means that we stop churning through the unproductive emotions that drag us down instead of lifting us up. In some situations, of course, we humbly may realize that our grievances and resentments are more of a matter of ego than anything else. In these cases, we may choose to overlook squabbles of the past and attempt to reconcile in the interest of restoring an important relationship. Indeed, once we grow from the experiences of the past, we might gain something very significant. When we reach out with an open heart and are met in kind, the depth of healing is profound. So perhaps the risk inherent in attempting to reconcile is worth the potential benefit. Whether and however we decide to interact with our families of origin, the bottom line is this: In the interest of our own wellness, we need to “forgive,” so as to free ourselves from the trap of recycling childhood wounds. To the best of our ability, we need to oust from our very cells the energy of the action that was taken against us so that we are no longer controlled or harmed by it. This release may happen through any number of means that help us cultivate peace and tranquility: writing a memoir, practicing meditation, white-water rafting, teaching self-defense, raising happy children, or doing whatever else helps us turn our anger, fear and hurt into something healthy and productive. We have very limited control over people and circumstances outside ourselves. We cannot make someone think, feel, or be what we want, and we cannot go back in time and undo the past. But we still have the power to make choices that contribute to a different kind of future, where we can walk side by side with people who feed our souls. Through “forgiving,” or releasing, family members who have harmed us, and through doing our best to live passionately and manifest our life’s purpose, we can experience deep healing in our bodies and our hearts. By turning the pain and indignities of the past into something positive for ourselves and others, we can transform, like a caterpillar, and emerge with wings to fly. For more on forgiveness, listen to Dr. Michael Finkestein on the Live Happy Now podcast.

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Self-Care

Dogs Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Dogs may play a role in prolonging the lives of their human companions, especially those who suffer from heart disease, the leading cause of death in the United States. According to recent studies published in the Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes, a journal of the American Heart Association, those who own pets are more likely to take part in activities that are beneficial for cardiovascular health over those who do not. Researchers pored over data of nearly four million people from 10 different studies to form the meta-analysis to reach their findings. Previous studies have reported that dog owners are more likely to engage in a physically active lifestyle, experience lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and see a decrease in loneliness and stress. In the latest findings, dog ownership is associated with a 24 percent overall "reduced risk of all-cause mortality" over non-dog owners. The risk of death for heart attack patients who lived alone after hospitalization was 33 percent lower than patients who did not own a dog and the risk of death for stroke patients who lived alone after hospitalization was 27 percent lower. While the research doesn’t say that dog ownership is the direct cause of a reduction in death, especially after a stroke or heart attack, the current findings are promising for future studies. Dr. Dhruv S. Kazi, associate director at the Smith Center for Outcomes Research in Cardiology at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center says the main contributors for improved cardiovascular health among dog-owners are most likely due to an increase in physical activity and mental health. “There is a strong connection between mental health and cardiovascular health—we’ve known for a long time that patients with depression have worse cardiovascular outcomes after a heart attack, for instance,” he says. “It turns out that the companionship of a dog may go a long way toward addressing this.” For those who don’t own a dog but want to incorporate more canine time into their lives, Dhruv suggests offering to walk a friend’s dog or volunteering at the local SPCA to reap the benefits.

Self-Care

10 Ways to Overcome Your Inner Bully

We all have an inner bully, but the fight to overcome our critical voice can help us remove the obstacles that may be getting in the way of personal happiness. In her new book, Live Your Gift: Discovering Your Authentic Life Through Life Mapping, author Dana Adams gives people strategies to overcome their inner bully to discover their unique purpose and gifts. Here’s 10 things she says you can do to silence your inner bully: Recognize that you get to choose. You have an inner bully and an inner cheerleader. Which one will you listen to? That internal bullying voice that so many of us have may even be more powerful than the helping voice—the one that’s wise and trying to guide us to do our best work and be the best we can be. The good news is we can practice silencing the critic and listening to our wise cheerleader instead. Break up with your inner bully. Pinpoint where the inner critic is coming from so you can detach from it. Did it start from a specific event? Was it a time when you felt like you didn’t fit in or were criticized? When you can identify where it came from and realize it’s not about you and you can let go of it. The negative voice is something that we create; it's a story we tell ourselves. Practice detaching from the inner bully. Be careful what information you believe. It’s important for all of us to realize that when someone is giving you advice, critiquing you or telling you something about how you're acting, they’re viewing your behavior from their experience and their world. What others say doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Too often, we take what’s said at face value—putting great stock in it—when it’s not even true. Words from others can strike a nerve or hit a trigger point where we might already be insecure, pounding that unhealthy message in even deeper. This impact can hold you back and cause you not to play to your full potential. Lean toward your wise inner voice more than outside influences. Yes, that bully voice can come from many external sources. It’s common to feel the weight of outside influence from their friends and family who are really important for a sense of acceptance. The critical voice also can come from teachers, coaches, and even us, as parents. Work to see the long-term ramifications of your choices—even when you may only be focusing on what’s right in front of you. (As parents, we can help by walking our kids through potential ramifications of their choices, so they consider the impact on their future on a much bigger scale.) Don’t live for the approval of others. One of the biggest ways the inner bully can hold you back is when you become more concerned about how you’re showing up, and what you look like—not only in your appearance, but in the way you act. When your start filtering everything through whether people are going to approve or disapprove of something you might try—even if it’s something you love—you might suddenly change your mind and not do anything at all. When we aren’t willing to express ourselves in ways we are meant to, these roadblocks can show up suddenly. This can result in not getting the approval we want, and suddenly we change our mind about doing something. Protect yourself from your insecurities. The inner critic starts its chatter on your insecurities. So, where you don't feel as confident, you are more likely to hear the chatter of: Are you really sure you want to try that? What if you look dumb? What if people make fun of you? What if you fail? You don’t have any experience in this yet. This is when you have the choice to recognize that this is just the critic speaking and you don’t have to listen to the critic. Be aware that the inner bully can go straight for your insecurities, so that’s when you have to fight back the hardest to not listen and choose your positive voice and path instead. Realize life is learning. Insecure chatter is unfortunate because it can stop people. Instead, we need to realize that this is how we learn, by trying and experimenting. This is how we begin to understand what we do well, or what excites us. When we allow ourselves to discover our interests, we can choose to spend more time enjoying them. If we don't even try because the voice inside is stopping us, then it really becomes a problem—it’s a dream crusher. The critic doesn’t speak the truth. The reality is that so much of that critic lives up in our head. It’s not the truth. Replace that inner bully voice with the wise words. How would the older, wiser you guide your younger self? Realize setbacks give you valuable information to get you ahead. Our insecurities and inner critic are all wrapped up with our fears. When you fail or things don’t work out as you hoped, ask yourself: What did I learn? This information becomes powerful moving forward. When we don’t get the result we want, we can realize that the experience still moved us ahead because of what we learned. Then we can ask: What can I do differently in the future? And, we also can say: You know what? Good job for trying in the first place. Inspire others to defeat their inner bully. Another powerful impact of courageously trying something new is it gives other people around us the permission to do the same. When we are more confident in our own choices, we can calm that bully voice and say: You know, that’s not real. That’s a fear-based voice. And instead say: I am capable. I can do this. I am ready. It’s a much more empowering place to be, and you just might inspire others along with you.

Young couple hiking trough forest and watching birds

Self-Care

The Joy of Watching Birds

One of the fastest-growing hobbies in America is bird watching, according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. With the fall migration in full flight, this low-impact activity provides many opportunities to increase well-being. These benefits can include opportunities for discovery and achievement, the promise of new positive relationships and engagement in something meaningful. Researchers at Cornell University say that birdwatchers are five times more likely than non-recreationists to engage in environmental conservation efforts, and adventure traveling can be an economic boon for popular birding areas. Sharon Stiteler, author of the book 1001 Secrets Every Birder Should Know and an avid bird enthusiast, says that bird watching (or birding) takes a minimal monetary investment. All you really need is a good pair of binoculars and the knowledge of what birds might be passing through your area. “It’s easy to do, and you can find fantastic birds in your backyard,” Sharon says. “People think that if you are in an urban area, you may not have the variety…. More birds are adapting to our urban environment.” Sharon says it’s also a good idea to join a local bird watching group and keep up with events and the best viewing locations through social media. “I have a friend in just about every state and every country,” Sharon says. “No matter where you go, you’ll never meet dull people while bird watching.” For hot spots this fall, Sharon suggests anywhere along the Mississippi River, since it is a major migratory corridor; Cape May in New Jersey; and the Rio Grande Valley in Texas. “Another really fantastic place in the fall is Corpus Christi, Texas,” she says. “There is a huge raptor migration that happens there. You can see 100,000 birds of prey migrate over that spot.” For Sharon, the best part about bird watching is that no matter where she goes, she can enjoy an activity that gives her pleasure and adds meaning to her life. “Whether it’s a big city like New York or out in the middle of nowhere in Utah, there is always something there for me to find,” she says. “Especially if there are birds I haven’t seen before. It’s kind of like a treasure hunt.” Field Guide 1. Tundra Swans migrate in large flocks, making their way down both East and West coasts. Before embarking on their 1,000-mile flight for the winter, these monogamous love birds can be found in the Devils Lake area of North Dakota in September and along the Mississippi River in Minnesota in October. 2. The Common Redpoll is a small, socially active finch with a red cap and a yellow, pointed bill that lives in northern Canada. During migration, they travel in flocks of several hundred to several thousand and visit backyard feeders in the northern border states, including Maine, Michigan and North Dakota. 3. The Northern Goshawk is a large raptor that prefers dense forests in North America, Europe and Asia. Don’t get too close; the goshawk is a fierce defender of its nest. In the fall, birders can find them in the Rocky Mountains, the Great Lakes and along the Appalachian Mountains. 4. Green Jays can be found in the tropical areas of Mexico and South America. The South Texas Green Jays will hang around the Mexican border and prefer open spaces. This noisy bunch doesn’t travel much but can be seen as far north as San Antonio. 5. Northern Flickers are part of the woodpecker family and forage on the ground for food. They usually migrate at night and have been spotted in places like New Jersey, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania in late September before making their way to the Gulf States for the winter. 6. White-crowned Sparrows migrate from the deep north and spend their winters vacationing in the states. The Alaskan White-crowned Sparrow has been known to migrate more than 2,000 miles. These elegant creatures rarely travel in parties of eight or more. 7. Dark-eyed Juncos are part of the sparrow family and are often referred to as “snowbirds.” They are one of the most common birds in North America, and more than 600 million of them can be found at backyard feeders across the country during migration and in the winter. (Source: Kevin J. McGowan, Ph.D., Project Manager, Distance Learning in Bird Biology, Cornell Lab of Ornithology/The Birds of North America)

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Self-Care

8 Ways to Tune in to What Really Matters–YOU!

When we don’t take the time to dial in to what we need physically, mentally and emotionally our life can feel off-kilter. Your body will tell you what it needs, but are you paying attention? The signs are there, but we are too ‘busy’ to notice or are not open to change? Ask yourself these simple questions: How much sleep do I get? Am I compensating for lack of sleep with caffeine and sugar? Do I eat to perform my best mentally and physically? How do I handle stress? Am I personally and professionally fulfilled? Am I constantly sick, sluggish or depressed? Have I considered speaking to a therapist? What are my self-care routines? Is personal development a priority to me? Am I stuck in a toxic relationship? Here are some ways to make self-care a priority: 1. Take care of your EPM: Emotional, Physical and Mental Health We are happier in our personal and professional lives when we take care of ourselves emotionally, physically and mentally. Carve out “me time” because self-care routines impact how you treat other people and how you handle the life’s challenges. Self-care is not selfish; it enables us to unwind, decompress, process the things we struggle with, and take a good hard look at the influences that drain us; this is an essential way to diminish anger, sadness, grief and disappointment and get us to our center core. 2. Shift Your Mindset There are endless activities you can do to shift your mindset such as: Taking a yoga class, meditation or mindfulness workshop. Journaling your feelings and gratitude. Going off the grid and taking a tech break. Getting a makeover. Throwing a party for no reason (or celebrate the end of something, such as a job or relationship, and the excitement of new beginnings!). Taking a trip. Reconnecting with your faith or exploring a new one. Getting out and meet other incredibly uncomfortable and awkward strangers like yourself. Taking music lessons—music is a great healer. Creating a vision board. Enrolling in an art class—ceramics, drawing, painting, glass blowing, etc. Exploring a new hobby or something you used to enjoy. Attending a TED talk, lecture, inspirational workshop, etc. Learning creative and healthy cooking techniques. Volunteering at a local food bank or animal shelter. 4. Flip Your Struggles into New Beginnings Your rejections and struggles might be knocking the wind out of you, but they just might elevate you to a new start. Be open to new possibilities and keep moving forward. 5. Connect Find a networking group and connect with new faces. People who support you and cheer you on are the best network to have in your life. Toxic and critical people can suck the life out of you. Be selfish with whom you choose to spend your time. Aim for a drama-free life with people who have your back. 6. Let Go of Overthinking We tend to worry about the past, the future, and overlook exactly where we are in the present moment. So much thought is spent anticipating and thinking you know how an event or conversation will play out, but unless you have some visionary powers, let it go. Breathe, take a leap, and quiet your mind. 7. Stop the Negative Self Talk We can be our own worst enemy. Stop berating yourself and holding yourself back with self-sabotage, self-doubt and crippling criticism. Try being your own best friend for a change. Be kind to yourself—inside and out. 8. Vent! Talk to someone you know and trust, such as a counselor, friend or confidante. You do not have to deal with trauma and life’s assaults on your own. Sometimes things are just too tough to process solo. Closing off and shutting down is not healthy or productive. Venting is healthy because you can laugh, cry, yell, analyze, and process whatever it is you are suppressing. Expressing yourself leads to greater self-awareness, new beginnings and much needed healing. Adapted fromJaneane’s new book,Get the Funk Out! %^&$ Happens, What to Do Next!© 2019 by Janeane Bernstein, Ed.D. Published by Post Hill Press June 25, 2019.

Young adult cancer fighters and survivors jumping on a beach

Self-Care

Waves That Save

In a little town north of Boston, Britte Roossien, a young mother of two, was running a day care program out of her house. In September 2010, however, her life changed when a routine visit to the doctor went horribly wrong. Britte’s doctor told her she had stage 2 Hodgkin’s lymphoma, cancer of the lymph nodes. She’d barely even had the flu before, and now cancer had stricken her like a runaway truck. Immediate surgery on her neck to remove her lymph nodes was followed by eight cycles of chemotherapy, then a month of radiation. A few months later, still suffering from severe fatigue, full-body aches and dramatic weight loss, Britte returned to the doctor for more tests. The results showed a large tumor had developed in her chest and that it, too, was cancerous. She had to give up her day care business and Britte’s husband, Tony, took over as the main caregiver of their children, son Jace, 4, and daughter Wylie, 2, as Britte underwent another round of treatment. When Jace had a bad dream during the night, Britte would hear his little footsteps as he walked to Tom’s side of the bed, not her own. It broke her heart not to be there for her children. “My life as I knew it came to a complete standstill,” Britte says. “Physically, I was wrecked. Chemo was very difficult for me, and radiation ended up being even worse. I would try to get a walk in daily to keep up my strength, but basically, I spent the majority of my time in bed or on the couch. I was crushed to not have the energy or strength to be the mom or wife that I once was.” Even after her treatment was over and doctors told her she was clear of cancer, Britte suffered from depression and anxiety, often turning to anti-anxiety pills and too many glasses of chardonnay to ease her fears. “Thoughts about the future would freeze me,” she says. “Could this come back? Could it happen to my kids? What the hell caused this in the first place? These are the thoughts that spiraled, causing anxiety, sadness and fear.” Sensing her mental anguish, one of her doctors suggested she check out First Descents, an organization offering cancer patients and survivors free-of-charge outdoor adventures like surfing, climbing and kayaking as a way for them to reclaim their lives. Months later, still reeling from cancer-induced anxiety, Britte got the call: There was an opening on a First Descents surf trip in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Did she want to go? She had never even contemplated surfing before, but she figured she had nothing to lose. Surfing with a Purpose Ryan Pittsinger, Ph.D., Director of Counseling and Sport Psychology at Texas A&M University, grew up surfing in Manhattan Beach, California and is a self-described surf addict who says at a young age he spent at least three days a week in the ocean. He says even then he understood that surfing was an outlet for him. “If I was having a tough time or something was going on in my life, I could jump in the water and have the opportunity to not think about anything else but the waves,” he says. “Something about being immersed in the ocean—it’s so much more powerful than yourself. It has a mystique and a healing power to it.” As he grew older, Ryan became more and more interested in the idea of surfing’s influence on a person’s mental state and mood, an area that had seen little to no scientific research. After his undergraduate studies, he pursued a master’s degree in psychology at California State University, Long Beach. As part of his master’s thesis, Ryan conducted a study that analyzed 107 individuals—men and women of a range of ages and abilities—before and after a 30-minute surf session. The results, he says, didn’t surprise him that much; after all, it’s what he’d been experiencing in the water his entire life. “The results showed a significant increase in positive mood and tranquility after surfing for 30 minutes, and a decrease in negative feelings and fatigue,” he says. “In other words, participants reported feeling happier and more energized after surfing.” His study, published in the 2014 issue of Psychology of Men & Masculinity, surveys 12 male surfers to see how men use the sport of surfing to cope with life’s stressors, ranging from work tension, difficulty in a relationship or loss of a loved one. Whereas men especially can fall into the traps of using strategies like avoidance, anger or substance abuse to fix problems, Ryan wanted to find out if surfing could solve issues in a healthier, more positive way. He conducted his study literally while surfing. Using an underwater camera and laminated sheets of paper, he asked the men 22 questions about how they use surfing and what surfing provides for them. Often, the survey would be interrupted when the participant would catch a wave. One of the questions on the survey was, “What were you thinking about when you just caught that wave?” The answer, Ryan says, was usually something along the lines of, “When I’m surfing, I’m not thinking about anything except what is directly related to the act of surfing—and nothing related to my troubles.” “It’s pretty unique to have even a few seconds of complete freedom like that,” Ryan says. “Surfing is one way that people can find a real escape from their stresses.” Ryan is among a handful of researchers studying surfing’s impact on human psychology, but they are not entirely alone in their belief in the ocean’s healing powers. When Carly Rogers was 18, her mother passed away suddenly. She dealt with her grief by letting the ocean’s waves wash it away, getting a job as a lifeguard and taking up surfing. Since then, two decades later, she’s been a Los Angeles County lifeguard and an avid surfer. She’s also turned ocean therapy into her career. Carly is the director of programs at the Southern California-based Jimmy Miller Memorial Foundation, a nonprofit established in 2005 in memory of its namesake, a lifelong surfer who took his own life after a battle with mental illness. Carly, who was friends with Jimmy, runs the organization’s ocean therapy program, which offers surf lessons to U.S. veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other injuries, as well as teens living in shelters and foster care programs in inner-city Los Angeles. While getting her doctoral degree in occupational therapy at the University of Southern California, Carly conducted a study looking at the impact five surf sessions can have on Iraq war veterans diagnosed with PTSD and depression. “These veterans were all very strong, athletic, no-fear individuals. But put them in the water and they can’t resist it—they were all laughing and smiling,” Carly says. “They were saying things like, ‘This is the best day of my life. I feel alive.’ Surfing provides a positive, natural environment; a chance to build self-confidence; and a catalyst for change.” Her study, much like Ryan’s, reached the same conclusion: Surfing makes you happier. Healing Waves Avid surfers say they are not surprised by findings like Ryan’s and Carly’s—they, too, have experienced the raw power of the ocean. Among those is world-renowned big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton, who says surfing offers him a chance to relax amid the chaos. “The ocean has been one of the biggest teachers in my life,” Laird says. “Whether it’s the humility or discipline you learn or the confidence and joy you gain from riding a wave, all of those lessons from the sea are applicable on land.” Years ago, Laird was struggling in his relationship with his wife, pro volleyball player Gabrielle Reece—things just weren’t going smoothly. He flew to Tahiti to surf Teahupoo, known to have the toughest and biggest breaks in the world. As he was getting ready to depart the island, a massive swell began to head his way. Laird was ready when a rogue wave with a 30-foot face—which he named the “Millennium Wave”—came toward him. He says riding the giant wave put everything into perspective. “That wave changed my priorities and had a sort of spiritual effect on me,” he says. “We worked the things out in our relationship, and things have never been better.” You don’t have to be a professional surfer to feel the benefits of the ocean, Laird assures. First-time surfers may even notice the impact more. “Your first day surfing, that first ride on a wave, you’re never going to be more present than in that moment. You’re going to appreciate the difficulty of doing it and that leads to your feelings of accomplishment,” Laird says. “Plus, the sensation of riding the energy of a wave has an uplifting effect on your spirit; not only is it fun and makes you happy, it feels like soaring—your spirit takes flight.” Discovering Resilience In Nags Head, N.C., a little blue beachside building called Farmdog’s Surf School rents boards, offers lessons, and serves up post-surf açai bowls. The place is run by a charismatic guy named Robert “Farmdog” Farmer. On a warm day in June 2013, Britte showed up at Farmdog’s in remission from cancer and suited up for her first-ever surf lesson. Within five minutes of arriving, her camp leaders, Wreck and Pedro, granted her a First Descents nickname: “Big Red,” thanks to her recently regrown ginger-colored hair. In the days that followed, Britte got to know fellow cancer fighters as they all attempted the humbling act of standing up on a surfboard. Surfing, it turns out, isn’t exactly easy to learn. But something about it clicked for Britte. “I would try to stand up on my board, and I’d take huge wipeouts, but I’d bounce back up, usually laughing and coughing up some sand,” she says. “I was learning that I wasn’t going to break, that I was much stronger than I ever realized.” Robert says he sees this type of shift in people all the time at the surf school he’s owned since 2007. Over the years, he has witnessed people overcome phobias, ease anxiety, alter their body images and return a year or two later to tell him that his surf lessons changed their lives. “I’m merely a surf instructor, but people do share a lot when they’re in the water with you,” he says. “It’s both physical and mental therapy when we’re out there in the water.” Even when they’re getting pummeled in salt water—getting tossed off their boards by unwieldy waves—Robert says the ocean has a way of healing. “The ocean can have its way with you; it has no empathy,” he says. “But even when you’re out there struggling and the ocean is giving you a beating, it’s still rewarding, still cleansing.” By the time Britte was packing her bags to return to her family in Massachusetts, she was on her way to becoming a different person. “Surfing taught me that cancer was just a small part of my history and the woman that I actually was, right here, surfing, laughing out loud, in the moment and full of love for the people around me. I finally felt separate from cancer.” Since then, that experience has been a springboard for change. Five months later, Britte ran her first marathon, and last winter, she tried ice climbing for the first time. She’s continued to surf as well: This summer, she went on another surf trip with First Descents to Mexico, and she’s taken her family, including her kids, now 8 and 6, surfing, too. “Living life is no longer a scary undertaking. I’ve never felt stronger, less fatigued or more confident in my life,” she says. She no longer relies on anti-anxiety medication or wine to calm her nerves, and when her doctors asked her how she managed the transition, she told them simply, “I started by going surfing.” Want to try surfing? Here’s where to sign up from coast to coast. Campsurf: Los Angeles Take a private lesson or a group class at Manhattan Beach with California’s Campsurf, one of Los Angeles’ most respected surf schools. Bonus: Many of the instructors double as professional competitive surfers. (From $60; Campsurf.com) Farmdog’s Surf School: Nags Head, North Carolina. On the Outer Banks, Farmdog’s Surf School offers private, group and standup-paddleboarding surf lessons for all ages and abilities. Really want to dive in? Sign up for their new adult three-day surf camp held from June through August. (From $65; FarmdogSurfSchool.com) Paskowitz Surf Camp: Mexico and San Diego, California The San Diego-based Paskowitz Surf Camp runs a weeklong camp geared toward beginners in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, each spring, and camps in San Diego year-round. The camp was founded by legendary surfer Dorian “Doc” Paskowitz and is now run by his son, Izzy. (From $1,250 for weeklong camp; Paskowitz.com) Hans Hedemann Surf School: Honolulu, Hawaii Former Association of Surfing Professionals World Tour surfer Hans Hedemann opened Hans Hedemann Surf School in 1995. With three locations around Waikiki and one on Oahu’s North Shore, it’s the perfect place to learn while you’re vacationing in Hawaii. (From $75; HHSurf.com) CoreysWave: Montauk, New York Owned by Southern California transplant Corey Senese, CoreysWave offers private and semi-private adult lessons on Montauk’s Ditch Plains break. Sign up for a lesson between June and August for the warmest water and the most beginner-friendly conditions. (From $125; CoreysWave.com)

Family On Hiking Adventure Through Forest

Self-Care

How to Live a Life by Design

More. Did you ever want to be more or have more in your life? Even if you’ve accomplished all you’ve dreamed of or desired, perhaps you’ve noticed that there’s a part of you that keeps nudging you toward whatever is next. As I’ve made my way through life, I, too, have always desired more. I didn’t want to have more things in a physical sense; instead, my aim was to become a better person: more knowledgeable, more thoughtful, more generous, and more loving. Despite my professional successes, I never fully understood why I continued to desire more until I met Mary Morrissey, a premier personal development expert, cherished mentor, and dear friend. Mary was the first to introduce me to the idea that, as human beings, we are always seeking a freer, fuller, more expanded version of ourselves and that life is always seeking its fuller expression through us. Take some time here and really think about how this might manifest itself in your life. Consider the following questions: How do you want to live your life? If you were living a life you truly loved, what would it look like? How would it be different than it is now? What would your health look like? What would your relationships be like — romantic, familial and otherwise? With whom would you be hanging out? Would you travel or pursue hobbies you love? What would you be doing with your time? Since I know it’s tempting to breeze by these questions, I’d like to encourage you to grab a journal or notebook so that you can jot down some initial ideas. Journal 1: How Do You Want to Live Your Life? Take time to write out answers to the questions above. When I ask clients these questions, I get responses that range from impassioned, detailed descriptions about a great imagined future to quizzical looks that convey countless doubts about the ability to achieve any of their dreams. Yet most people share a few important responses: They desire to be fully engaged in something that feels meaningful and purposeful. They want to experience their impact on the people and situations in their lives. They consistently want to feel more confident and empowered, and less affected by life’s daily challenges. No matter how many times people have been advised to be more confident or have higher self-esteem, rarely are they told how to achieve these goals. Rest assured, it can be done. In fact, you can definitely learn how to be confident and resilient. The challenge is that most people believe that life is doing something to them, so they live by constantly reacting to life’s dilemmas. If you perceive life as a set of difficult problems, criticizing and complaining can become coping strategies you use to deal with what you perceive as the harshness of such a life. People often don’t realize that they have a hand in creating the life they want. Once you start setting clear intentions and taking inspired action to meet specific goals, then you begin to develop a sense that you have a say in how life unfolds for you. In fact, many people find their purpose in life by actively pursuing their goals or dreams. When you experience purpose and meaning in what you are doing, it often feels like you are the conduit through which life is fulfilling itself instead of a mere victim of life’s hardships. Personal development trainers often describe these two very different approaches—reactionary versus creative—as, respectively, living “life by default” and “life by design.” This book was written to help you live life by your design. You have a hand in creating a life you love—one that enables you to be confident, emotionally strong, enthusiastic, purpose-driven, and resilient. The process involves embracing all of life: all of the good, fun, enjoyable, happy experiences, and all of the crummy, messy, unexpected, and unpleasant ones, too. The Gift of Unpleasant Feelings Most of us want to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings either because they are so darn uncomfortable or because they elicit some measure of pain. This avoidance, what some psychologists call “experiential avoidance,” occurs through distracting yourself. By moving away from difficult feelings, you actually cut yourself off from emotional information that could help protect or enhance your life. Consistently distracting from or avoiding what is unpleasant and uncomfortable is, unfortunately, often the start of a slow trek to increased anxiety, bodily pain, vulnerability, and disempowerment. If you continue to distract or stay disconnected from the truth of your own life experiences over long periods of time, you may experience feelings of emptiness, numbness, and soulful depression™—a result of being disconnected from yourself. Eventually, this can transform into something worse: intense feelings of isolation, alienation, or hopelessness. But it doesn’t need to move in that direction at all. Just as there’s a path to soulful depression, there’s a path to confidence, emotional strength, and resilience—three qualities that have a direct impact on your ability to lead a meaningful life. How, then, do you develop into an emotionally stronger and more capable person? As paradoxical as it seems, the answer is tied to your capacity to tolerate pain—or your capacity to handle unpleasant feelings. The more you are able to face the pain you experience, the more capable you become. you are able to face the pain you experience, the more capable you become. The essential keys to developing confidence, feeling emotionally strong, and being resilient involve an openness to change, a positive attitude toward pain, a willingness to learn from any experience, and a capacity to experience and express unpleasant feelings. When you’re able to effectively handle unpleasant emotions, you’re likely to feel more centered, confident, capable, and calm in the moment. Your consistent ability to deal with difficult feelings translates into relief from anxiety, harsh self-criticism, and negative self-talk. As you continue the practice of experiencing these unpleasant feelings, you increase your capacity to engage in courageous conversations, which often results in mending and deepening relationships. If you stay well connected to your moment-to-moment experience, not only will you move your life more fully into who you want to be and do more of what you love, you’ll start to develop a greater sense of purpose and meaning in your life. Why wouldn’t you want to embrace your unpleasant feelings if it results in living the life you’ve always wanted? *** Excerpted from90 Seconds to a Life You Love. Copyright © 2019 by Joan I Rosenberg, PhD. Used with permission of Little, Brown and Company, New York. All rights reserved.

Silly young husband and wife in their kitchen playing with straight uncooked pasta noodles near their puckered faces

Self-Care

It’s OK to Play

Imagine a place where you can leap tall buildings in a single bound or a world where all of the animals can talk to you. Maybe you are Michael Jordan taking the last-second shot…and the crowd…goes…wild! Anyone who doesn’t routinely convene on the playground and use candy as a form of currency probably can’t—or doesn’t—anymore. It’s not that you haven’t at one time in your life, but as we get older, we stop doing those things that made us happy as kids. We have more responsibilities, more worries; we can’t just go off and play cops and robbers or run through sprinklers in the middle of a hot summerday. But do we have to take ourselves so seriously? People, including Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play and author of Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul, and Dr. Adam Blatner, author of The Art of Play and a psychodrama expert, don’t think so. In fact, both are hard at work making sure we don’t work too hard in life. “There is a category in life that’s absolutely valid called ‘just fooling around,’ ” Adam says. “You want to give up the childishness, but not the childlikeness.” According to Adam, when play is safe and friendly, the middle part of the brain (the part that shuts down during our fight-or-flight response) opens up and creativity and inspiration areendless. “When you’re playing, you can sometimes be so safe that you become spontaneous,” he says. “You can improvise, and you can even forget the ego; you become ecstatic. What’s happening is your unconscious is free, and there’s this ecstasy. It’s truly noncompetitive, you aren’t worried about impressing anyone and you are just in the flow. It’s a lot of fun if you can get a fair amount of play in yourlife.” Play on the Brain From the beginning of life, we are wired for playfulness. Once our basic needs are met, our curiosity kicks in, and we start to explore. Play activates and produces the circuits in our brain that allow us to learn, especially in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for judgment, planning and inhibition. Play teaches us how to socialize and empathize with one another, letting us know where the lines are drawn on what is fun and what is hurtful to others. This acts as a dress rehearsal to life and shows us how the world works without actually putting us in danger. “Play is built into [our] biology in avery deep way,” Stuart says. “As we lookat the biology of nutrition and thebiology of sleep, the things that wehumans need to survive, play is notnormally considered something important. But when you look at a life without play, particularly when a child isdeveloping, you begin to see the consequences of play deprivation, whichalso begins to show you the benefits ofplay.” Through four decades of research into the play histories of convicted murderers, Stuart found that the suppression of childhood play led to violent and anti-social behavior, compared to people who were able to play freely. Conversely, he found that fulfilled and successful people were more engaging and optimistic when their history included a healthy amount of play. Playful people tend to be more flexible and adaptable to evolvingsituations. “There is a self-organizing, natural way for healthy play to be part of the developmental trajectory of a child, particularly when it’s not over-controlled by a parent or well-meaning teacher,” Stuart says. “Kids learn to assess risk if there are graduated opportunities to play freely. They learn to not climb the biggest slide in the playground if they aren’t ready to do that. There are these languages of play and play risk that the kids themselves tend to be able tomodify.” While play is more prevalent during childhood for learning and skill development, it continues to benefit our wellbeing throughout our lives. More often than not, Stuart says, the trajectory of optimistic, self-reliant and highly engaged adults gained those qualities through a healthy play history, making it an important component of being fully human. Getting Back to Play “A lot of adults don’t know how to play with their kids—they don’t know what to say,” Adam says. “If their kid says, ‘Mummy, I learned about kings and queens today,’ a lot of parents would say, ‘Yeah, so?’ Very few parents would [respond], ‘Well then, would you like to play kings and queens?’” Adam, a lifelong practitioner of play, says the older we get, the more “don’ts” we tend to collect. When you give yourself a certain amount of “uncontrolness,” you get back the joy of play. Instead of brushing off their request to play royal court as silliness that you don’t have time for, go to that faraway place. “Going through the process of explaining and acting out the roles of kings and queens, whether it’s true or not, is playing,” Adam says. “Grownups forget how they can do this, but it’s wonderful to have one of your sub-roles be as a playmate to your kid. Some of the time you have to stop and be the role of the parent and say, ‘Don’t draw on the wall,’ but most of the time you can be in there playing with the kids. It’s a treasure that’s part of the art of living.” You don’t need a prescription to reclaim your inner child. Thinking back to those playful moments from your childhood, like a favorite birthday gift or a game you really enjoyed, and trying to remember the feeling the experience gave you will remind you to have more fun in your life. The more playful we are, the more flexible we will be emotionally and the greater our imaginations will become. “You can fill your adult life and elder life with more and more play, even in little bits,” Adam says. “It could be two minutes sprinkled throughout the day or it could be 30 seconds. I sing, I whistle, Imove my body in weird ‘dancey’ ways. Ithink of scraps of songs and poetry. The point is I fill my life with joy.” A Couple that Plays Together, Stays Together Dave Lovelace and Georgia Medler, a retired couple living in an active-adult community in Texas, play every chance they get. With a healthy social life, they are constantly dancing, singing, acting and just enjoying life. Both say they have found the perfect match in each other, and they believe their spontaneity and the freedom to be their true selves is the strength of their relationship and 18-year marriage. “When you have the freedom to go ahead and crack jokes and be funny and play, when you know full well that not everything is going to be funny, there’s acceptance, and that gives you the ability to try it knowing there won’t be hurt feelings,” Dave says. “It’s the freedom to play that allows you to playmore.” Dave, or “Sillypops” as his grandchildren affectionately call him, is a salesman-turned-dancer, emcee and actor (a newfound passion). The 70-year-old practical joker never wastes an opportunity to try to make someonelaugh. When Dave and Georgia were married, Dave fashioned the ceremony after the television game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Unbeknownst to Georgia, when the justice of the peace asked Dave if he wanted Georgia to be his wife, he decided to use a lifeline and poll the audience. Luckily, they all said yes. The judge then asked if that was his final answer, and the rest is history. Having fun in life makes Dave and Georgia happy, and they try to instill that trait in their children and grandchildren. Just recently, the couple hosted what they call “Fancy Dinner” night with their grandkids. The kids get to have whatever they like, and for this particular dinner, one granddaughter requested the whole table converse in British accents, and they all made up silly names for each other. “They are free to let their imaginations just go wherever they will,”Dave says. “Spontaneous humor,improvisation and creativity areabsolutely essential to living life, and thekids have picked that up. They do it at home, and they do it here when they visit. Hopefully, we are good role models for them.” The Play State of Happiness Playing doesn’t have to be all, well, child’s play. Anything that you do for the sake of doing and that gets you into the flow is considered play. Both Stuart and Adam agree that when you surround yourself with people who have a light-hearted approach to life and savor the things that bring you joy and fulfillment, your wellbeing benefits. Playful banter with your partner, getting lost in a good book or playing tennis with an old friend and not keeping score—these are all ways to get into the play state. Stuart concludes that playing is an intrinsic act embedded in many species, but we “stretch out” the juvenile period more than any other. We are at the top of the play food chain, and being in a play state opens the door for creativity that gives us the ability to produce beautiful masterpieces or tinker with toys that lead us down the path to great innovations in life. Without play, we wouldn’t have movies, books, music, jokes, planes, trains—or magazines. Life would be pretty dull. “Play precedes happiness, and it is a building block to happiness,” Stuart says. “Really having a sense of fulfillment and joyfulness requires that we honor and stay close to our own personal proclivities and our personal play nature. I think play and happiness are partners.”

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