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Embracing Conflict Management for a Happier Workplace

To create a harmonious environment in your organization, you have to reduce the number of conflicts among team members. You can do this by speaking to and understanding each employee's concerns. Not fully knowing or understanding why a conflict happened can result in additional issues later. Before your workplace develops into a breeding ground for frequent arguments and clashes between employees, you should begin implementing conflict management. Authorities within your company should establish a system for dealing with and handling employees who cannot work together. Here is how your organization can begin the process of embracing conflict management. Find The Source of the Conflict Before approaching team members, it is a good idea first to figure out why the conflict occurred. Supervisors should investigate the workplace circumstances, any involved team members, and review any evidence leading up to the conflict. This can help reveal how relationships began to degrade and prevent team members from placing the blame on one another. Create a Safe Space to Talk Conflicts can’t be resolved by shaming individuals. Instead of taking sides or placing the blame on specific team members, you should create a safe space to speak to them in private. You can speak to each involved employee in private and as a group to help assess the situation. In private, team members can be honest about how they feel without feeling coerced to act a certain way. Listen to Everyone Every employee plays a part in an organization’s success, which means that leaders within the company should actively listen to each person. This can also help reduce conflict because everyone’s voice is heard. Hearing each employee’s concerns and finding a solution for them will be one of the initial steps to a resolution. Figure Out Where Things Went Wrong After an authority figure checks each employee’s complaint, they can then address the problem. From inflammatory emails to angry verbal exchanges, the supervisors must review all the activities that occurred during the conflict. Getting information from witnesses and reviewing any evidence will help company leaders pinpoint how the conflict began. An employee’s anger may have stemmed from one team member being poorly trained. They may feel they are more skilled and competent, making them impatient toward a less skilled worker. If this is an issue, the poorly performing team member can be trained to create better outcomes. Create a Common Goal Conflict management needs to get all employees to work together as a coherent team. This means that a common goal must be established so that everyone understands why they are working together. Reminding team members of that common goal will be important to helping them establish stronger working relationships. Employees who don’t understand where they fit in, lose sight of their purpose, misunderstand what they are supposed to do, or aren’t well-trained enough to deliver the correct results can make team members fall off track. Getting all team members to fit into the workplace culture will help make them more coordinated and motivated. Find a Solution Once senior members of the organization understand the source of the conflict, how the falling apart between team members began, and who was involved, they can develop a solution and implement it. The solution should be well-rounded and not only address one but multiple problems. Additionally, it should seek out the root core of the issue and resolve it. Follow Up Evaluation Even after a workplace conflict has been solved, it is important to maintain and develop workplace relationships. Employees should be evaluated over time and invited to a discussion to review how they have changed since the conflict resolution. Productivity should be reviewed, and employees can give feedback on how leadership is doing. This can build a healthy culture that reduces overall conflict within your organization. How Do Conflict Management Specialists Get Rid of Issues in My Company? You can learn more about how conflict management works and whether it is the right step for your organization. Speak to an experienced team to help benefit your organization and increase performance.

Podcast

Bringing Joy to the Workplace With Alex Liu

For most of us, “joy” is not the first word that jumps to mind when we think about work. But this week’s guest has made it his mission to find out how we can all change that. Alex Liu is the managing partner and chairman of the global management consulting company Kearney as well as being a huge proponent of finding joy in the workplace. He hosts the Joy at Work podcast and recently spoke at the World Economic Forum in Davos on topics related to creating more joy in the workplace. In this episode, you'll learn: What business leaders can do to create a more joyful work environment. How to bring a joy-filled attitude to work. How finding joy at work can transform your life. Links and Resources Facebook: @Kearney Twitter: @Kearney Read his article on Making Joy a Priority at Work. Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

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Preventing Workplace Negativity Could Save Billions

Having a toxic culture in the workplace can lead to a number of serious problems including employee burnout, dissatisfaction and absenteeism, all amounting to a significant loss in capital, according to a new report commissioned by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM). The recently released 2019 SHRM Omnibus Survey found that bad workplace culture cost American businesses billions of dollars over the past five years due to turnover. SHRM President and CEO Johnny C. Taylor, Jr., SHRM-SCP states in a release: “Billions of wasted dollars. Millions of miserable people. It’s not a warzone—it’s the state of the American workplace. Toxicity itself isn’t new. But now that we know the high costs and how managers can make workplaces better, there’s no excuse for inaction.” One out of five workers reported leaving a job because of poor workplace culture and almost 60 percent said their people managers were the main reason. The report also states that when employees feel like they have less autonomy, poor communication and they are not being heard, dissatisfaction sets in. Shola Richards, best-selling author of Making Work Work: The Positivity Solution for Any Work Environment, frequently speaks to businesses about the dangers of toxic workplace culture as well as workplace bullying. He says on top of the billions of dollars lost to these issues, the lives of employees are being damaged. “Employees who are forced to spend 40+ hours a week in a toxic environment pay an enormous price with their mental, emotional and physical health with life-diminishing outcomes ranging from PTSD to suicide,” Shola says. Toxic environments can add more stress and exhaustion, affecting the health and well-being of employees. This continued trend of bad culture can seep outside of the workplace having a negative impact on life beyond the job. Three out of 10 respondents already claim that workplace toxicity carries over into the home. “It is safe to say that any organization who is not consciously paying attention to this issue is actively making the world a worse place for all of us,” Shola says. Lead by Example More than three-quarters of employees agree that managers should be the people who set the workplace culture. A recent Gallup survey on disengaged employees found a 15 percent greater likelihood that an employee will thrive if their direct report is thriving too. “As a leader, your team is always watching you,” Shola says. “They’re observing how you handle someone who disagrees with you, they’re watching to see how (or if) you recognize someone for a job well done, they’re waiting to see how you respond when you’re up against a critical deadline and the stress is palpable.” He says leaders set the tone and if a bad tone is set, people will follow down the negative path and the toxicity spreads. But, he points out, examples can work both ways. “That’s why it is critical for leaders to set a positive, collaborative tone so that the culture has a greater chance of thriving.” Play the Right Way Having a positive workplace culture can be the X-factor that makes a business thrive. Employees who are happy and engaged are healthier, more productive and miss less work, according to Gallup. This is not only good for employees, but happy workers increase profits, too. Here are a few suggestions Shola has for employers to prevent a toxic workplace culture: “Listen to the employees, seek out their opinions and feedback, and take their concerns seriously.” “Have systems and policies in place—like an anti-bullying policy—to protect employees from toxic and abusive behavior (most importantly, these safeguards must be consistently enforced).” “Most importantly, be a model of civility and encourage (and reward) it in others.” Shola believes that employees can also play an active role in the company culture by not contributing to toxic behavior or being passive to the toxicity. “The most effective way for an individual to positively transform the culture is to be the change that you want to see in the world, as Gandhi once said,” Sholas says. “Equally as important is recruiting as many people as possible who are willing to do the same. This is how all meaningful change and world-altering movements are created, and I believe that this formula can also be effective in transforming workplace cultures.” For more on this topic, check out our podcast Overcoming Workplace Bullying With Dr. Britt Andreatta.

Podcast

Overcoming Workplace Bullying With Dr. Britt Andreatta

Bullying has become such an issue in today’s world that October has been named National Bullying Prevention Month. And while we normally associate bullying with school children, the fact is that many adults are being bullied at work every day. This week’s guest, Dr. Britt Andreatta, is an expert on the science of teams and author of the book, Wired to Connect. She’s developed safety tips to make sure all employees are working together to eliminate bullying in the workplace. She also shares information on how and why bullying happens at work—and what to do about it. In this episode, you'll learn: Where workplace bullies come from. How to make sure others aren’t being bullied. The high cost of unresolved workplace bullying. Links and Resources Website: brittandreatta.com Twitter: @BrittAndreatta Instagram: @BrittAndreatta YouTube: @BrittAndreatta Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

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The Healthy Workplace with Leigh Stringer

Leigh Stringer is Senior Workplace Expert for EYP Architecture & Engineering and is researching employee health and productivity in conjunction with the Harvard School of Public Health, the Center for Active Design, and other leading organizations. What you'll learn in this podcast: Healthy habits to adopt at work How to avoid making unhealthy choices at work The connection between the built environment and well-being Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about Leigh on her website Purchase The Healthy Workplace

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How to Survive a Workplace Bully

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, many adults spend more time at work than we do with our families. With so many hours spent at work, one would hope the time would be filled with relative peace and happiness—that we would be surrounded by friendly co-workers in a supportive environment, and that productivity and good relationships would be a priority. Sadly, that is not always the case. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, at least 27% of American adults have experienced bullying at some point. Workplace bullies almost never resort to physical violence—they use psychological and verbal attacks in order to gain a sense of power and cause emotional trauma. Typical bullying behaviors, according to the Institute, include verbal abuse; threatening, intimidating or humiliating behaviors; and work interference, including sabotage. What workplace bullying looks like Victims of workplace bullies often find that they are impacted both at work and away from work. Bullies have the unique ability to get under their victims’ skin in a way that is hard to shake off. Often even the most positive and emotionally healthy person will find him or herself feeling defeated, angry and even helpless. Victims can become depressed, anxious or suffer from lack of sleep. Psychologist Noreen Tehrani, Ph.D., wrote Managing Trauma in the Workplace after conducting research that showed bullying creates similar psychological and physical symptoms to those of soldiers who have returned from combat overseas! Interestingly enough, the targets of workplace bullying are not typically passive, insecure people who are inexperienced or new—much like we might see when we are talking about a school age bully. Instead, workplace bullies prefer to target employees who they see as a threat: someone who is competent, well liked and experienced. Their goal is to attempt to intimidate and gain power over the person in order to feel better about their own insecurities. How to handle the workplace bully As adults, bullies tend to be more subtle and passive-aggressive than the schoolyard variety. They are often driven, powerful individuals who at their core have similar emotional issues as child or teen bullies. They may behave this way out of low self-esteem, insecurity and a need to feel powerful by bringing others down. My experience as a therapist has taught me that it can be ineffective to try to get the bully to change unless he or she wants to change. As a result, my advice focuses on what the victim can do for him or herself. If you are being bullied at work and for whatever reason you need to stick with your job, you must focus on protecting your emotional state and preventing this person from emotionally and psychologically impacting you. 1. Do not let the bully impact your well-being. While it is natural to be rattled, hurt and angered by your treatment, it is important that you not allow the bully to take your emotional power away. Focus on the positive things in your life. Remind yourself that the fact that you are being treated badly does not have anything to do with who you are as a person. Redirect your emotions by doing things you enjoy that are away from work. 2. Distance yourself both emotionally and physically, if possible. It is important for your well-being to limit your interactions with anyone who is bullying you at work (or anyone who brings negativity into your life, for that matter). If you are forced to be around that person, limit the time you spend with him or her as much as possible and tell yourself to emotionally disengage. The less time and energy you invest in your relationship, the better. If you are in a frequent work relationship where you cannot disengage, consider talking to your manager about the situation or going to the Human Resources department for help. 3. Give back to those you feel deserve your time and energy. When you are feeling besieged at work, one way to increase your sense of well-being and self-worth is to give back to a worthy cause and remind yourself that you are a powerful positive force in this world. Donate to a favorite charitable organization or volunteer to help a friend with a challenging project. Then focus on the good you are doing to help offset the negativity coming at you at work. 4. Lean on your support system. When a person treats us in a way that is unkind, we often have a tendency to retreat and isolate. From a psychological point of view it is important to do the reverse: Bring people you love and care about closer, spend time with them, call them on the phone, and share your story and let them lift your spirits. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what city you live in, or where you work—you’re bound to encounter toxic people who treat others in a cruel and demeaning way. Since it’s nearly impossible to change these folks, your goal should be to minimize the impact they have on you. Make a pact with yourself that you will not let the bullies bring you down! Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is an editor at large for Live Happy, and the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know.

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The New Science of Workplace Well-Being

As you have probably noticed, time is a nonrenewable resource; there are only so many hours we can work in each day. Energy, however, is renewable. Thankfully, more and more employers are becoming wise to the fact that by replenishing our energy stores regularly we can operate at peak performance. Running on empty When we are running on fumes, exhausted, stressed out, we all know we aren’t very productive. “The way we’re working isn’t working,” says Tony Schwartz, founder of The Energy Project,citing the title of his latest book. The Energy Project has identified four core needsthat even small workplace changes can support: physical health, emotional happiness, mental focus and spiritual purpose. “What we are beginning to see enacted in corporations across the country is nothing short of a paradigm shift,” Tony says. One shift we can make, suggests Tony, is to work according to our natural ultradian rhythms: Doing high-demand, focused work in blocks of no more than 90 minutes, then taking a break. The end of face time? Many corporations have traditionally promoted a culture of face time and endless work hours to the detriment of employee work-life balance—and even to the detriment of a company’s own balance sheet. Researchers are finding that those who work constantly, check their phones at all hours and never take vacation days are on their way to burnout, which results in lost income and time for both employer and worker. A changing workplace On the other hand, things that may seem counterintuitive, like taking a short afternoon nap, meditating and engaging in enjoyable non-work activities during work hours, in some studies seem to increase productivity. Dr. Colleen Georges, a positive psychologist and coach, often sees the negative toll that an organizational culture of ceaseless working can have on employee satisfaction and performance through her clients. She will often suggest they try “booster breaks,” such asphysical activityand meditation during the workday. The power of the nap This concept was pioneered by Wendell Taylor, Ph.D., of the University of Texas, among others, who found that these activities can increase employee job satisfaction, energy and productivity, reduce stress, and potentially decrease healthcare costs and improve organizational image. Furthermore, studies consistently show that employees who take breaks at work to relax and reenergize are happier and more productive at work than their counterparts who use breaks to catch up on emails or run errands. What does this look like in action? In their own firm, The Energy Project employees start with four weeks per year of vacation time. They can work from wherever they want, and are encouraged to leave the office for daytime breaks. Their open, modern office—punctuated by colorful graphics and the words “passion” and “focus” on the glass walls of the conference room—includes “renewal rooms” for naps or meditation. They hold community meetings to check in with how people are feeling and check in with the mission. Seeing the results Ron Zumstein is vice president of manufacturing and a 27-year veteran of Ablemarle Corp. [[link]], a Louisiana chemical company, a client of The Energy Project. Ron says what they learned through working with The Energy Project has empowered their employees, which helps them drive the company forward and creates leaders. But even if we don’t work for one of these forward-thinking companies, we all have the ability to more effectively manage our energy. Creating rituals to ensure we get enough sleep, exercise and downtime supports our core needs.

A group of people playing games together

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Transcript – Prioritizing Play With Jeff Harry

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Prioritizing Play With Jeff Harry [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 478 of Live Happy Now. Summer is sort of a reset for all of us, but this week's guest is here to teach us how to prioritize play all year long. I'm your host, Paula Felps. This week, I'm joined by Jeff Harry, who combines positive psychology with play, to foster healing, and help individuals overcome their biggest challenges. He's sitting down with me to talk about why we all need to embrace the power of play, and how doing that can improve our wellbeing at work and at home. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:36] PF: Jeff, thank you so much for joining me on Live Happy Now. [0:00:39] JH: Thanks so much for having me. I'm so excited for this conversation. [0:00:41] PF: Oh, it's such a great topic. It's something we have to talk about, because we don't talk about it enough. Tell me, I think I want to start by finding out and letting our audience know how you discovered the power of play. [0:00:53] JH: Ooh. So, I'll tell you my Batman origin story. I'll tell you the brief version. But do you ever see the movie Big with Tom Hanks? [0:01:01] PF: Yes. [0:01:02] JH: Oh, I saw that when I was in third grade. He got to play with toys for a living, and I was like, "That's a job?" So, I started writing toy companies in third grade, and I did not stop until I got into the toy industry, like I think 15, 20 years later. Have you ever gotten exactly what you've always wanted, and then been so disappointed when you got it? [0:01:28] PF: Really? [0:01:30] JH: Yes. It was a toy industry. There was no fun, there was no joy, no high fives, no kids, no play. They might as well have been selling like pillows or socks. So, I was somewhat like disenchanted. So, I left New York, that's where I was at the time, and I came to the San Francisco Bay Area, and I found a job on Craigslist, for anyone that knows Craigslist. [0:01:51] PF: Nothing risky there. [0:01:53] JH: Nothing risky there. That's where you get furniture down a dark alleyway. I found this job teaching kids engineering with Lego. It was basically playing for a living, playing, and teaching for a living. We grew it from seven people to 400 people. [0:02:10] PF: Oh my gosh. [0:02:11] JH: Yes, it became the largest Lego inspired STEM organization in the US. While we were doing all this, we started working with companies like Google, Facebook, Microsoft, all these top companies in the world. I realized they were not playing at work at all. Even at the best companies, they weren't finding a way. So, I created Rediscover Your Play as a way of exploring how can we infuse more play into our work to solve problems, because I feel like play is probably one of the best ways in which we learned as a kid. And I feel like it still is one of the best ways now. [0:02:48] PF: It something that comes naturally to us as kids. So, if it's something that we're born with, and it's inherent in us, why and when do we lose that ability to play? [0:03:01] JH: There was a professor, [Name inaudible 0:03:02] – I'm going to ruin her last name, but like Pam Settler that talked about how, by the time we reach the age of 18, I think it's 149,000 noes. [0:03:14] PF: Oh my gosh. [0:03:14] JH: That's the average amount of noes. Probably, we received in the range of 7,000 9,000 yeses a piece. Then, obviously, it depends on how you grew up. Probably in some places, you got even more noes than that, and barely any yeses. So, we're constantly told at such an early age, "Raise your hand, do this, do that." So much pressure coming from parents, and guardians, and teachers all being like, "What are you going to do when you grow up?" Constantly giving you all like this information, "Maybe you should be a doctor, maybe you should be a lawyer." You're like, "I'm six years old, like I don't even understand what is happening, and you're putting all." NASA did this study that found that, the creativity levels of a human being at three or four is massive, it's around like 96%, 98%. By the time we reach the age of 18, it's below 20%. Then, by the time we reach the age of 25%, it could even be below 12%, maybe sometimes below 10%. Creativity, your ability to look. We are told we have to be a certain way, so we forget how to play. So, the whole point of organization, rediscover your play is like, who are you, who are you as a kid, because that really actually dictates what you would love to do as an adult. [0:04:44] PF: Why is it important to be able to identify that? What change is it going to evoke in us if we can start rediscovering our play? [0:04:53] JH: Then, you're not trying so hard. You're not playing a role; you're not pretending to be somebody that you're not. We're naturally a certain way, and then we lose that. We lose who we are, but that inner child constantly is knocking on the door, and being like, "Remember me. We still love to do this." When you're able to connect back to your inner child, you're reminded of like, "Oh my gosh, this is what makes me come alive. These are the actions that bring so much joy to my life. I haven't done those in a really long time." So, it's really amazing when someone connects back to their inner child, because you see them change. And more so, not even so much change, but you see them get reinvigorated, because then you see who they really are. [0:05:43] PF: Do you ever have people –I'm sure this happens, where people are just not comfortable being playful? How hard is it when you find someone who has stepped into a very serious role or very serious mindset to get them to get in touch with their playful side? [0:05:59] JH: I define play as a new joyful act where you forget about time. It's where you're fully in the moment, is where you're fully immersed in your flow. Then, I also define plays the opposite of perfection. Perfection is rooted in like ego, shame, constantly trying to be right. While play is rooted in like curiosity, a sense of wonder, like a sense of awe. So, if I was approached someone about that, that is like is now so serious, I'm like, "How's that working out for you? Does that feel right? Do you want to be this perfectionist? How does it feel to carry this level of burden? Because it doesn't seem like you're having a lot of fun. It doesn't seem like this is an enjoyable way of being for you." I start small. I remember talking to someone that was just like, "I don't play at all." Then, I was like, "Well, what do you do? What do you do?" She goes, "Well, I'm a lawyer." I was like, "Okay. What do you do in the law?" She's like, "Well, I get people that disagree with each other to agree on one thing. Like people that hate each other, but I'll find one thing that they can agree on." That could be, that's her play. So, everyone has a play that they're probably doing right now, but they don't realize it is, because everyone's plays different. So, it's not like, "Oh, are you playing pickleball? Are you hula hooping?" It's just like, no. What is a joyful act that brings you fully in the moment, that taps into your zone of genius? That is your play. [0:07:25] PF: I'm so glad you brought that up, because adult play looks very different from kids play. So, when you're telling an adult, "We're going to go play." They're like, "I don't do hopscotch. I don't." So, how do you really help someone dive in deeper and explore, okay, this is my form of play. You gave a great example with the attorney. [0:07:44] JH: So, I try to help people figure out their play values. It was something I came up with my colleague, Lauren Yee, where we asked people, "What do you love to do as a kid?" So, I love to combine all my board games together and make an epic board game. So, I would combine Mouse Trap, Monopoly, Clue, all of them, Candy Land, Chutes & Ladders. And I make this epic board game, and I have my sisters play with me. They hated it, but I loved it. But what I found is my values in that is creativity, collaboration, and connection. Those are my three play values. The way I do my talks when I speak, or the way I run my workshops, or the way I brainstorm the next activity, or the next video, silly video I'm going to make combined my creativity, connection, and collaboration. So, identifying your play values based off of what you love to do way back when can I help you. [0:08:38] PF: That is so interesting, because I think when you break it down for someone like that, boy, it's not just, "I need to find a way to play." Because that can be hard as an adult to make that leap back to it. But yes, now, you're really looking at – I love the values part, and how I can integrate that into what I'm doing. [0:08:55] JH: Another tangible one that I do, and I do this with a lot of my coaching clients, or executives that I'm working with is, I ask them these two questions, to rediscover their play. Is I asked them to identify three to five people that they're going to talk to, three to find people that they're close to. It could be friends, it could be family, it could be colleagues, but three to five people that they consider close to them, and ask them these two questions. What value do I bring to your life? Like, what do I do for you? Why are we friends? Because a lot of times, we don't even know what value we're providing for someone. Then, the second question, which is really interesting is, when have you seen me most alive? Another way of asking that is, when have you seen me most creative, most at play? So, the two questions are. what value do I bring to your life and when have you seen me most alive? Then, to get answers back from those three to five people, you start to see patterns of like, "Oh, I didn't even know I give in that way. Oh, I didn't even know that I play in this way." Then, when you connect it all together, then you're like, "Oh." New ideas will come up of like, "I want to play in this way." Then, you reach back out to those same three to five people, and you're like, "Can you help me play more this way?" [0:10:12] PF: I love that. So much of your work centers around companies, and is with companies. I was trying to figure out, how does that translate to individuals, but you just gave us that entire recipe of how it doesn't have to be among your workplace, it can be among your circle of friends. [0:10:26] JH: And there's this other one that I'm actually really excited about, because I'm about to go to England on Tuesday. So, I'm going to experiment with this. I learned this from my friend Desiree, who travels all the time. So, usually, people when they have a bad day, I challenged them about whether they had a bad day. Usually, what happens is you had a bad experience, and that's only momentarily. So, you can decide to let go after 50 seconds, you could let go of that experience. But if you're in a loop, you start to think that the next bad experience is coming on the next one. So, you start thinking like, "Oh, bad things happen in threes. Guess what? It happens in threes." Because your brain is constantly looking for patterns for safety. So, an interesting question that she would ask herself, is she would ask, regardless of however her day is going, whether it's good or bad. She would ask, "How can it get any better than this?" [0:11:19] PF: I love that. [0:11:21] JH: So, if you're traveling and you just had some really fascinating conversation, you could be like, "How can it get any better than this?" Then, someone comes in like, "Want to hop on a moped?" And you're like, "Sure, I'll hop on this moped." Then you're like, "How can it get any better than this?" Then, all of a sudden, you find yourself on an island somewhere, watching the sunset. You're like, "How can it get any better than this?" You do that, and it builds a certain level of momentum. Then, your brain starts to positively prime. It's the same thing with gratitude journals, which a lot of people think are corny. But what you're doing is you're just doing pattern recognition, where you're like, "I'm going to look for good things to start my day." Now, if you pull out your phone, which I do as well, to begin your day, and you just start doom scrolling, and the first thing you see is negative, it actually dramatically affects your productivity, I think by 20% to 30%. So, just being aware of like, what is going into your head is crucial. I think a lot of times, we're not aware of that. [0:12:24] PF: Yes. One thing we do in our house, and this is relatively new, I mean, we've kind of done it, but we weren't conscious of it. But then, we sort of made it a thing, and it's, how fast can we make this funny? [0:12:35] JH: Ooh, I love that. [0:12:36] PF: If something happens – we bought an older home and a lot goes wrong. We've been fixing it up for four years now. So, it's like, things go wrong a lot out here. It's like, "Okay. How fast can we make this funny?" [0:12:50] JH: I love that. [0:12:50] PF: It's like, we could take the show on the road at some point, I'm thinking, because there's been so many things that have happened. Again, just like you said, what happens now when something goes wrong, instead of just being like, "Ah, you got to be kidding me." You're like, "Okay. I want to be the one to come up with a punch line on this." Right? [0:13:08] JH: Yes. [0:13:07] PF: So, it's like, you start going through your head like that. So, that makes it fun. [0:13:10] JH: It's such a mind shift, because now, you have redefined any failure, or any mistake as this like, "Oh, this is an opportunity for us to play." That's so cool. I love that. [0:13:23] PF: It makes it fun. [SPONSOR MESSAGE] [0:13:25] PF: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Most of us are feeling a lot of stress these days, and one thing that can add to that stress is comparing ourselves to others on social media. It's so easy to start feeling like your life doesn't measure up. But with help from therapy, you can learn to focus on what you want, instead of what others are doing. Therapy can improve your coping skills and change the way you look at your world. BetterHelp is a great place to start. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist. You can always change therapists at any time at no extra charge to make sure you get a therapist who's right for you. It's completely online, so it's flexible, convenient, and works with your schedule. Stop comparing and start focusing with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/livehappy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/livehappy. We'll be right back with the show, but now, Casey Johnson, Live Happy marketing manager and cat owner extraordinaire is back to talk more about her adventures with PrettyLitter. [0:14:36] TB: Paula, as you know, I'm a proud cat mom of three adorable cats. But, let's be honest, no matter how cuddly they are, those litter box odors are not so cute. Before PrettyLitter, it felt like no matter how much I scooped, our place always smelled like a litter box. With PrettyLitter, I found a product that is the perfect blend of beauty and functionality. That pretty crystal masks the smell at the litter boxes, and now, you don't even know I have three cats until they sit on your lap. So, to all the other dedicated cat parents out there, I highly recommend trying PrettyLitter. [0:15:06] PF: We're going to make it easier for them to try. They can go to prettylitter.com/livehappy and use the code LIVE HAPPY to save 20% on their first order and get a free cat toy. That's prettylitter.com/livehappy, code LIVE HAPPY to save 20% and get a free cat toy. Again, prettylitter.com/livehappy, code LIVE HAPPY. [INTERVIEW CONTINUES] [0:15:28] PF: Talk about what you see when people really start giving into their playfulness and really embracing that playful side. [0:15:35] JH: They become lighter, there's not as much burden upon people. You can feel it. You can feel it when you're around someone that's playful, and when you're around someone that's like a perfectionist. If you ever hung out with a perfectionist, like it's not fun. Like, restaurant with them, and they're eating lobster, and you're like, "This is really good lobster." Like, "Well, it's not as good as the one I had in Paris." You're like, "Dude, just enjoy being present." When I see people that have tapped more into their play, and are tapped more into their inner child, they can be present with people, they can be more playful, they're much more adaptive, they've embraced a much more growth-oriented mindset. So, if something bad happens, they're dramatically more resilient. Like what you just did with your example, where you're just like, "Okay. We're just going to figure out how we can make this more funny, more playful." They're willing to adapt more, and then that actually has a ripple effect on everybody else. Because then, people aren't so stressed out anymore. They're not driven by fear. They're not driven by scarcity. When you're in a playful place, you're much more abundant, you're much more tapped into your intuition, and you're much more tapped into your own emotional intelligence. So, this like really helps in so many ways, especially from a stress standpoint, because you're dramatically dropping your stress. [0:16:56] PF: So then. what's that doing to like our productivity at work? [0:17:00] JH: Well, when you're in flow, studies have found that you're 500% more productive. So, you're five times more productive. People are like, "Well, what do you mean by flow?" Well, there's this professor, the Doctor of Flow, Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He made the only flow chart that I love, where it basically is like skill and experience. When you join a job, you have no idea what you're doing, you have no skill, and you're probably lacking experience as well. So, you have a lot of anxiety at the beginning, you have a lot of imposter syndrome. When you have so much skill, and you've been at a job for a really long period of time, you become bored. So, between anxiety and boredom, though, there's a flow channel where if the skill meets your ability directly, you go into this flow state. You know you're in a flow state because you forget about time. That's why I ask people all the time, "What is your zone of genius?" You have your zone of incompetence, things you suck at. Zone of competence, things your average at. Zone of excellent things that you're like good at, that you get a lot of praise for, but you don't really care to do them. But your zone of genius is the work where you forget about time, it's the work that you do, even if you're not getting paid to do that work. What happens is, when you're in flow, and follow me for just a moment, I'm going to get old nerdy. You go through something called transient hypofrontality. Transient means, refers to temporary, hypo is under activity, and frontality is talking about the prefrontal cortex. When you go through transient hypofrontality, a part of your brain shuts down, and your inner critic gets quiet. So, when that inner critic gets quiet, all of a sudden, you get a shot of dopamine, you become highly creative. It's almost like that movie Limitless, where you just start pulling ideas from your childhood, college, this thing, that thing, and that's where innovation comes from. That's where genius comes from. That's where like ideas that change the world come from when you're in flow. Then, studies show that then you're five times more productive doing that work. Then, it affects all the rest of your work, because then, you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel appreciated. And then, you're just in the momentum, and you get more focused doing all the other work that you typically don't like to do. [0:19:22] PF: Then, it affects how you present in the world because you're feeling good, you're happier with it, you're more fulfilled. You go home a happier spouse, mother, father, whatever that is. It just has such a domino effect. Just like a job that you hate has a domino effect. Being able to do that and find your place and find your flow is really going to change the way that the rest of your life feels. [0:19:45] JH: Exactly. And what's also interesting, and you can tell, probably, people that are typically most happy and most fulfilled are usually most present. When we're not present, that's when we're on our phones though, that's when we're looking somewhere else, that's when you can barely focus on what's going on right now. But when you're fully present, and fully at play, you feel all the feelings. It's very much like the Pixar movie Inside Out, where people are like, where they talk about how you want to feel all the feelings. You want to feel joy and sadness at the same time. That's what living is. When my dad passed away back in 2015, his brother showed up for the first time since their mom died. It was like 20 or 30 years since they had seen each other. So, I was surrounded by all my family members. I felt such an immense amount of joy. Then, I was like, "Oh my gosh, wait a minute. I'm at a funeral. I'm at my dad's funeral. I should feel guilty about this." But no, it's just like, no, you can have joy and sadness at the same time. You can be nervous and excited at the same time, and to be able to hold both truths and hold all those feelings. That's what living is. I think a lot of times, we're in such a mess state. Like, "Let me binge watch Netflix and doom scroll at the same time." Then, you're not feeling anything. Then, you're bored a majority of the time. When you're playing, you're opening yourself up to be open to all the experiences, all the emotions that come with it. [0:21:15] PF: Yes, it's so important. But of course, people right now are very time poor. This is something I can hear people like listening saying, "Yes, that sounds great, but I have this to do and this to do." So, for people that struggle with time, how do we make the time to prioritize play in our lives? How do we do that? [0:21:34] JH: Something mentioned to me by another play, friend of mine, play advocate, Gary Ware. He's like, "Who's your play partner?" So, we got to get some play partners, you got to get someone that's going to help. That is fun. It's what I did earlier when I asked you the two questions, the three to five people. Who is someone that can help you and be like, "I want to play more, but I don't have time." Well, then, we're going to work together to figure that out. Also, how important is it to you? How important is joy in your life? Look at all the things that fill up your day. We talked about how we're like, we don't have any time. The average amount of time that I think humans are on their phone is about five hours a day. So, you have time, you're grabbing your phone 200 to 300 times a day. So, I think we tell the story that we don't have time for the things that bring us joy. But I read something recently that was like, joy is vulnerable, joy is scary, play can be a little scary. Because I think a lot of times, we're so scared about feeling the fear things, but joy sometimes is even scarier. But that's where also so much living is. So, I would challenge people to look at their time, and see where there's opportunity. Even for example, with kids, you're like, "Oh, I have so many kids, I'm so busy." Play with them, join their play. Play some video games with them, even though you have no idea what they're playing, or play a game with your three-year-old even though you have no idea what game they're playing. Then, here's the flip side, show them your play. How do you use to play, they would love to see that. We talk about how – you only have 18 summers with your kids. Then, we forget later on about that. One of the greatest gifts that I think I've seen parents give to their kids, not only showing them their play, but also doing things where they fail, where their kids can see them, like make mistakes and try things out, and take risks. Like my friend Marina, who's in her late 40s just picked up roller skating. I think she injured her ankle the first time, and all the perfections, people are like, "Well, I told you, you will get injured." She's still doing it. She's still playing. What does that communicate to her kids, is that if this brings me joy, I'm going to do it. If I make mistakes, that's okay, and it's okay for me to fail, even in front of my kids rather than constantly trying to be the perfect parent, which no one can be. [0:24:15] PF: I think that's amazing. Summer time is a great time for play. This is a great time to be looking at it, get it started. But we go into fall, things get more serious. We have some serious stuff coming up this fall. So, how can we start now, building a daily practice of play so that it becomes part of our habits that carries us through? [0:24:35] JH: This is what I do for myself, so I'm just sharing this with others, is try one of the play activities that I suggested. Whether it's figuring out your play values, or asking the two questions. What value do I bring to your life? When have you seen me come most alive? Or, how can it get any better than this? Try one of those things. Then, don't put pressure on yourself that, "Oh, I got to play an hour a day." Just ask yourself throughout the day, "Is there something that can bring me a small amount of joy? What is that? Let me just do that." If you can't think of it, that's when you reach out to your friends and family, you're like, "Help me to find this." Rather than like making it so burdensome that it's just like, "It's just another thing to put on my to-do list, that now I got a play too." Just find things that you're already doing and figure out how to make them more playful. You just did that with your house. You're not doing something new. You're just shifting your mindset on how you show up. You might be able to practice this while people are traveling for the summer, where you're like, "Okay. I know I'm going to go to Disney, and I know my kids are going to have fun, but I'm just going to see it as just exhausting. Me just walking around all day long, just spending way too much money." Here's a shift. Try to see it through the lens of when you were a kid going to Disney your first time. Any experience like that, how do I see like my inner child all over again. Then, give yourself freedom to fail, and keep trying, and playing, and allowing yourself to be more of you. The perfectionist, thing that we are striving for, it's not realistic. It's driven by a lot of like consumerism and capitalism, so people buy more stuff. But when you're at play, you don't feel as if you need to fill the void. So, allow yourself the permission to play. [0:26:32] PF: I cannot think of a better way to end this. Jeff, we are going to tell people how to find you so they can learn more about play. I appreciate what you're bringing out into the world, and I super appreciate you sitting down and talking with me today. [0:26:44] JH: Yay. Thank you so much for having me. This was super fun. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:26:52] PF: That was Jeff Harry talking about learning how to prioritize play. If you'd like to learn more about Jeff, follow him on social media or check out his website. Just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Live Happy newsletter. Every week, we drop a little bit of joy in your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That is all we have time for today. We will meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

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Transcript – Overcoming Loneliness With Dr. Jeremy Nobel

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Overcoming Loneliness With Dr. Jeremy Nobel [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 472 of Live Happy Now. Loneliness is one of the major challenges facing our society today. Since this is Loneliness Awareness Week, it's a great time to look at what's behind this loneliness epidemic. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I'm sitting down with physician, teacher, innovator, and author, Dr. Jeremy Nobel. founder of The Foundation for Art & Healing, and the Project UnLonely initiative. Jeremy, who is also on the faculty of the Harvard Medical School and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, has published the book, Project UnLonely: Healing Our Crisis of Disconnection. He's here to talk about what loneliness is doing to us and what we should be doing about it. Let's have a listen. [NTERVIEW] [0:00:50] PF: Dr Nobel, thank you so much for joining us on Live Happy Now. [0:00:54] JN: My pleasure to be with you. [0:00:56] PF: It's so important to talk to you any time of the year, but right now, we really are excited to talk to you, because we have Loneliness Awareness Week. Boy, loneliness is such a huge, huge issue for so many people today. I was curious, first of all, where did your interest in not just studying loneliness, but resolving the crisis begin? [0:01:16] JN: Well, actually, it really began in an interesting way after 9/11, but I didn't know that I was really focused on loneliness. I was actually very interested in the trauma of 9/11, as an experience for many people, particularly children. That's what got me started, and I started The Foundation for Art & Healing, 501(c)3 nonprofit. The idea was to promote creative expression as a path to health and wellbeing. Really focusing on the power of the arts to really help us make sense of the world in positive, healthy, stress-reducing, trauma recovery-oriented ways. As we started doing this work with the arts, we quickly found that many people with trauma and dealing with that stress were also quite lonely. They told us that the work we were doing with the arts to engage, and activate, and have kind of exciting conversations, storytelling, and so on, made them feel less lonely and more connected. That really got our attention, and that's what launched Project UnLonely. [0:02:19] PF: What is the connection between trauma and loneliness? [0:02:22] JN: When you're traumatized, so what is trauma? It's a painful, hurtful injury or experience. As you can imagine, when you have something painful, and even if it's something just like touching a hot stove, if you remember all those stories. You learn not to touch hot stoves, you back away from the threat of a hot stove. Many times, trauma is associated with engagement with other people. So, this could be everything from military trauma, to domestic violence, to the repeated marginalization of racism. This is all painful, and so, we withdraw. Almost anything that leads to trauma, in a way, does set you up for a kind of isolation, a kind of loneliness. That relationship is pretty clear. The real challenge, we'll talk more about it, is how do you move from that loneliness towards a sense of connection. [0:03:15] PF: Now, your organization started in 2016 and there was no clue at that point that the loneliness crisis was going to get so bad. In fact, as you mentioned in your book, 2020 was going to be a bang-up year for your organization. You had so much research that you were going to present, and so many speaking engagements, and then that all disappeared. Thank you, COVID. So, has your approach to loneliness changed at all since 2020, and how have you seen loneliness change in society? [0:03:47] JN: All great questions. First, just for clarity, Project UnLonely isn't its own organization. It actually is a project, it's the signature initiative of The Foundation for Art & Healing, which is the organization. Although we formally launched Project on lonely in 2016, we actually started doing the work to understand loneliness and how the arts connect well before that, around 2011 or 2012. Then, the question is, how did the pandemic change the approach to loneliness? I think what it did, in general, was shine a spotlight on it. As you mentioned, we had loneliness well before the pandemic, but somehow, it became part of all of our consciousness in a very different way. As you mentioned, I start my book, Project UnLonely: Healing Our Crisis of Disconnection. Very first page with how dramatically my world got upended in March 2020. Plans, relationships, teaching, travel, all of this just went on hold as we all tried to navigate this new reality, which forced us to have a kind of isolation to protect us and our neighbors from the virus. While isolation is different than loneliness, it's highly associated with it. So, many people experience loneliness in a way they had not before. [0:05:09] PF: I want to touch on that, what you just said, because we do equate isolation with loneliness. We have had an aunt who spent a lot of time alone, and she told me she's like, "I have never been lonely." Even though she was isolated, she didn't feel lonely. What is the difference between isolation and loneliness? Because you can be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. [0:05:30] JN: Exactly. One of the real goals of my book is to demystify loneliness and humanize it. The first really important lesson, if you will, is that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Being alone is objective. It's the absence of social connection. This can be, if you're in a rural setting, or even isolated in an apartment in an urban setting, where, let's say, you've got a disability, you can't leave easily, or you're fearful about going outside. So then, you are alone. But being alone can be such a positive experience of thoughtful reflection, consideration, the bigger world picture, contemplation. We have a high-class word for it. We sometimes call it solitude, and we do need solitude, but that's different than being lonely. Here's what loneliness is. It's subjective, it's a feeling, it's a mood state. It's the difference between the social connections with other people that we would like to have and what we feel we do have. That gap is what we experience as loneliness. As you pointed out, you actually can be lonely in a crowd. It has nothing to do with whether there are other people around you. It's whether you have the social connections you want. If you're with other people, but don't feel connected to them, you feel lonely. That introduces what I found, a really important observation, and I think, maybe your community will also, is that they're different types of loneliness. [0:07:10] PF: I'm so glad you brought that up, because you talk about three types of loneliness. I was like, I thought there was just loneliness. Can you dig into that and tell us about that? [0:07:17] JN: Right. Well, I thought so too, until we actually started going out and talking about it. So, very simply, there's psychological loneliness, which is, "Do I have a friend? Is there someone I can tell my troubles to?" That's what many people think of when they think of loneliness. But then, there's also the loneliness of systematic exclusion. We call that societal loneliness, because of race, or gender, or disability. Do people evaluate you in that very superficial characteristic and treat you differently, and, in a sense, withdraw from you in a systematic way? That's very different than not having a friend. You could have plenty of friends, but if you feel, for instance, are in a racist workplace and it's not safe to be in certain conversations, you're going to experience loneliness in even though you might have friends. The third type of loneliness, which I am very interested in, and it's been around thousands of years, is where do I relate to the bigger world, the narrative of human experience. People with a religious orientation often call kind of the religious world, God, the universe. But you don't have to be religious to have a sense of curiosity about how your life fits into the bigger story. What was here on the planet before I arrived? What will be here after I depart? Does my life have meaning, consequence? If you don't have solid grounding and answers to those questions, you can feel quite lonely. I think that's the loneliness that's affecting a lot of what we know is the loneliest demographic, 18 to 28 years old. They have plenty of friends, they're connected on social media, but they're wondering, "What am I doing? What's my future? Does my life have meaning? Do I matter?" That could be quite distressing, and it's its own form of loneliness. [0:09:13] PF: Is the way that you address those different forms of loneliness, does that differ? [0:09:20] JN: Absolutely. As someone who in the public health world, and through Project UnLonely, we're trying to design interventions that are powerful for people, as you might imagine. If the loneliness is the loneliness of uncertainty about your meaning in the world, that's very different than the loneliness of not having someone to talk to. So, if you think, "Okay. What do I need to feel less lonely?" One of the first important questions to ask yourself is, what type of loneliness am I experiencing? In my book, I provide different questions we can ask, but they're kind of what you might think. Do I enjoy relationships with others where I can have a chance to have authentic conversations? Or, are those missing from my life? If they're missing from my life, how might I pursue having more of them? So, we lay out some of the strategies for that also. If your feeling of loneliness is uncertainty about your own positioning in the universe, of meaning, and is there purpose. Then, you might want to ask yourself more about how you want to relate to that, how you feel you can be more meaningful, and part of the bigger story. There's some strategies I talked about in the book for that too. [0:10:33] PF: How did you come up with these different strategies? Obviously, you're a fabulous researcher. How did you come to understand those different types of loneliness, and this is what would resolve them? [0:10:45] JN: It's a really great question. The way, again, research works, science works, it's driven by one thing. By the way, it's the same thing that drives the arts, and that's curiosity. As we started going out, and doing programs, and having conversations with hundreds of people about their loneliness and what their experience was, we began to see patterns and trends. It's also important to know that of these three types of loneliness, you could have one type, two types, or three types altogether. That was the first thing, was the observation, awareness. In terms of what works to impact it, some of that is based on psychology research in laboratory settings. We can study what seems to activate people, to embolden them, to be able to connect with others, and tolerate what I sometimes call discomfort of disclosure. Because if you reveal something authentic about yourself, and then someone says, "Sorry, you're too boring. I don't want to have a conversation with you." [0:11:48] PF: Or, "That's just too much for me." [0:11:50] JN: Exactly. Or, "I can't handle that." Then, you might feel rejected, abandoned, critiqued, and that hurts. So then, you're reluctant to do that. People, in a way, they connect with others, have to learn to tolerate the fact that you're not always 100% successful, and to keep going just like – you have to explore, and try different things, and see what works for you personally. [0:12:16] PF: That makes so much sense. There was a report that caught everyone's attention. I think it was within the last year, and it's really quoted quite a bit, and that is that loneliness is more dangerous than smoking. We hear that a lot, but we don't hear the reasoning behind that. Could you explain to us why it's so harmful, and also, physically, what loneliness does to us? [0:12:41] JN: Absolutely. That work, that sound bite about being smoking. It can be as dangerous as smoking – loneliness can be as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Why is that? Because at its chronic extreme stages, loneliness actually changes how the brain functions, and it also increases inflammation, a real driver for illness, and it impairs immune system function. So, many of these excess deaths that lead to a 30% increase risk of a shorter lifespan are not because of suicides or overdose, drug overdoses. You could imagine loneliness could cause those, and it does. Those are factored out of these scientific analyzes. Most of the deaths are cardiovascular, it's heart attack, it's stroke, sometimes it's cancer death, or metabolic death. Disease and illness related to diabetes. It's important to know that loneliness unchecked, unattended to, when it spirals out of control can be very, very hard on our physical systems too, not just our mental attitudes. [BREAK] [0:13:50] PF: We'll be right back with Dr. Jeremy Nobel, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about how you can beat the heat and get better sleep this summer. I've become such a big fan of Cozy Earth sheets for a lot of reasons. But as the temperatures rise, I've found one more reason to make them the only sheets I want to sleep on. Thanks to their cutting-edge temperature regulating technology, Cozy Earth's bedding lets me stay cool and comfortable, even on the hottest days and nights. That means, I can wake up refreshed and ready for the day. Here's the best part, our exclusive offer for listeners like you gets you a 30% discount and a free item when you use COZY HAPPY at cozyearth.com/livehappynow. These sheets also offer the unbeatable combination of softness and durability, giving you an incredible, comfortable sleep experience. So, invest in your sleep health this summer and stay cool backed by Cozy Earth's 100-night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty. Visit cozyearth.com/livehappynow, and use the code COZY HAPPY to unlock this special offer and optimize your sleep for better health. After placing your order, be sure to select podcast in the survey, and then select Live Happy Now in the drop-down menu that follows. Now, let's get back to my conversation with Dr. Jeremy Nobel. [INTERVIEW CONTINUES] [0:15:10] PF: I recall, even, probably about 20 years ago, having a friend who was going through a divorce and she said, "I'm lonely." It struck me, because I think, that was the first time it actually had somebody say that to me, like it was almost a shameful thing to say, "I'm lonely." What was that mindset and does any of that still remain? [0:15:32] JN: We started Project UnLonely with three goals, Paula. One was to increase awareness of loneliness, and how toxic it can be for your health. The second, which is what we're going to talk about, is to reduce the stigma that surrounds it. The third is to put these powerful imagination, creativity-fueled programs out in the community, so people can be better engaged. But let's talk more about stigma. Many people feel that if they're lonely, it's their fault, that there's something about them, that they're broken, they're flawed, they're incomplete, they're inadequate. This is all just a social personal construction. That's what they believe. The only good news about that is that, anything that's socially and culturally constructed can be culturally reconstructed. So, I think we have an enormous opportunity. I first heard this idea from John Cacioppo, University of Chicago, who died, unfortunately. Shortly before the pandemic, it's a real pioneer in understanding loneliness, and how it impacts not just our brains, but our behaviors. He said, "Why don't we think about loneliness as a signal that there's something we need, a biologic signal? Just like thirst is a signal, we need hydration. Loneliness is a signal that every one of us needs some degree of human connection." Obviously, most people don't feel embarrassed or guilty about thirsty. Why do we feel embarrassed about being lonely? It goes back to this cultural assumption, in our cultural kind of matrix of, kind of how we put things together. People, as I said, feel that they're flawed. What if we can shift that to just say, "Hey, it's just a signal. What do I need now?" Human connection. "How do I find it? What type of loneliness do I have?" Then, you follow the reasonable paths to get better connected, either psychologically, or societally. or spiritually. [0:17:30] PF: As people become more willing to explore that, how is that going to open up the world a little bit better? You reference Gen Z and how they are incredibly lonely despite being connected. How, as we change this conversation, do you see the world is going to open up? [0:17:48] JN: All right. Here's an experiment I do when I do public speaking now. I ask people, raise your hand if you know someone who is seriously and significantly lonely. Not if you're lonely, but if you know someone. Hundred percent of the hands go up. Then, I say, "How many people have you heard say out loud, 'I'm lonely.'"? Only 50% of the hands go up. If this were even five years ago, only 10% of the hands will go up. So, we're making progress. We have a long way to go, but we're making progress. So, that's encouraging. I think a lot of it is the younger demographic that I mentioned, the loneliest demographic, 18 to 28 do seem willing to talk about their mental health and so on, and take the risk of being judged, criticized, excluded. I admire that courage. What we're trying to do with project and lonely is to actually also give them workshops. and programs that they can participate in, that are delivered not by us. We develop our programs and then they're delivered by colleges, by libraries, by faith-based groups, by community centers. Because as our surgeon general calls for in the report, you mentioned, we need to create a culture of connection, where it's not viewed as an illness or a flaw, loneliness. The connection is valued as something we celebrate at a personal level. We do it with friends, with family. We actively look for opportunities to get together and have the, sometimes just very simple conversations that can still be quite meaningful. They don't have to be deep, heart-to-heart disclosure conversation every time. It can be, "Hey, what's lighting you up these days?" "Let me tell you." "Oh." It's so important, these casual networks of human exchange, and not just social media, memes, and likes, and follows around short videos, but actual conversations in real life. [0:19:54] PF: Can just the acknowledgement, even to ourselves that we're lonely. Does that start changing things for us? [0:20:01] JN: I think it does if it isn't also associated with guilt and self-blame. So, to say, "I'm lonely because I'm a loser, and I've always been a loser", is not a very helpful step forward. But to say, "I'm lonely." But loneliness, and I truly believe this is the world's most human feeling, the need for other people. It's a signal that there's something I need. How do I follow that signal and lead myself forward to a path of personal discovery? Because I think if we're not comfortable knowing who we are, it's hard to have authentic conversations, and friendships with others. But then, how do I feel part of a bigger world where, "Yes, I exist as a person, but I'm part of a much bigger story." That often makes people feel better and feel connected. [0:20:48] PF: We all feel lonely time to time. But how does someone know if it's a problem, if it's chronic loneliness, versus just something we're going through right now? [0:20:58] JN: That's a really great question. I think part of that is really to pay a lot of attention to how you're doing, feeling in kind of navigating the world. In the book, I call this the pyramid of vulnerability. Imagine a pyramid with three layers. The bottom layer is where we all are all the time. Every human being, as I said, can feel lonely from time to time, so that's us. At that bottom layer, we should be trying to do things to build our social resilience, our social connection levels. But yet, no matter who you are in your life and all of our lives, we will be faced with challenges that really do increase our risk of loneliness. That moves us to the middle tier. So, that could be loss of a loved one, the breakup of relationship, a new serious illness, whatever it is, loss of a job, concern about some future event like the national elections. That starts a kind of risk for a spiral, where you start to withdraw. That's when it's most critical to say, "Okay. Am I starting to feel more anxious? Am I having trouble sleeping? Am I having trouble concentrating? Maybe it's because I'm lonely." Ask yourself that. Then, if you are, to go through this exploration, well, what type of loneliness is it. Then, follow the strategies to get connected. Because if you can interact at that middle tier of vulnerability, and then reduce the risk to spiral down into a good direction towards the base, you avoid spiraling up into the highest tier of loneliness. That's where loneliness becomes a serious medical issue, where it is like smoking 15 cigarettes a day, where you have a 30% increased risk of heart attack. or stroke. or death from either. But we don't have to get to that level if we can engage earlier and kind of reestablish balance, and a sense of comfort and connection, calm it down, so we're back down to the bottom tier. Does that make sense? [0:23:04] PF: It does. I wondered as you were talking, because once you reach that top level, it seems like it's going to be most difficult to pull yourself out. What then should those around you – because if I'm your friend and I see this, it's probably going to take some sort of intervention or outreach from me. Because once you hit that top, you're a goner, but you're in deep. [0:23:27] JN: You are in deep, and that's when you're really most in need. As you point out, it's often where you are least able to navigate your way out of it completely on your own. That's where one of the things we can do in building a culture of connection, is to kind of keep an eye out on our friends, family, even neighbors, and not be their therapist, not be their parent, but be their friend. Bear in mind how even a simple kind word, when you're passing by somebody on the street can totally change their day, can totally change their sense of optimism, of positive possibility, curiosity for that day. Stabilize them from what otherwise could be very difficult thoughts, sometimes thoughts of self-harm, and just kind of remind them that, "Hey, there's some positive things going on in the world. I'm out here too, and you're not alone, you're not broken, and you're not defective." It doesn't require a therapist to have these daily reminders that we're all human, we're all connected. We all feel lonely from time to time, but we can be part of a larger and connected story. I think the arts and imagination, obviously, can give us kind of fun ways to tell that story of being connected, and then share those stories with others. [0:24:42] PF: Yes. I love that your solution goes to the arts. Can you talk about the role that creative and artistic expression plays in combating loneliness? Then, give us some ideas for how people can use that in their own lives? [0:24:56] JN: Absolutely. I think, first of all, it's now really clear that arts and creative expression change the brain. When we change the brain, we change our minds. We change our minds, we change behaviors. Here's how arts change the brain. One major way the arts and all the arts, by the way work. So not just the traditional arts like music, visual art, language arts like poetry, movement arts like dance, but culinary arts, cooking. The creative assembly of food ingredients, the taste, the smell, the sensation in your mouth as you eat fun food. So, that's a creative form. Textile arts, these have been around for centuries. Knitting, crocheting, quilting, these are wonderful creative activities. Then, gardening. Just bringing four things from nature, what a friend of mine calls the world's slowest performance art form. [0:25:54] PF: I love that. [0:25:56] JN: These are how the arts can change us. They reduce cortisol levels, the stress hormone that puts us on edge, drives fight or flight, which means we're always hyper vigilant. That does increase inflammation. It's what alters the immune system. But the arts also increase levels of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, the so-called feel-good hormones. Then, very importantly, the arts also change how we make sense of the social world. What otherwise we might see as threats, like somebody walking towards us through the arts, particularly the ones that increase our sense of compassion, empathy, that person can look like an opportunity, someone I can have a conversation with. That's kind of the cascade of how changes in the brain from the arts, then literally change our levels of optimism, possibility. Sometimes, this is all in the positive psychology realm, as you know. But then, most importantly, it changes how we behave. We're willing to smile at a stranger, we're willing to take the risk of even a little piece of casual conversation in the grocery store. Then, if you take that risk and people respond, it starts moving your brain and mind in a more positive way, and the positive spiral happens. This is why the arts, I think, can be such a catalyst for connection. [0:27:17] PF: I absolutely love that. Big question is, where do people start? [0:27:22] JN: I think, if it's around the arts, I think it comes back to curiosity. Explore the world in some creative form that you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy, yet, try different things. Try drawing, try just kind of move with colored markers on white paper, and just say, "How am I feeling today? We have prompts and activities for this on our website. Imagine a time in your life that was meaningful to you. Then. don't draw the experience. Let yourself feel the feelings associated with that time, and then try to draw the feelings using color and shade. There's no wrong answer to these exercises. So. you get it all out on the page. Then, in many of our workshops, what we do is, we do this as a group. We make the art on our own, but then we pair up and we tell our personal stories. That's the second really powerful things the arts do. They invite and allow us to share our stories. Because almost every creative form, whether it's a casserole, a chocolate chip cookie, or a Picasso painting is a form of a story. It's a narrative, we're trying to express something. So, the arts enable that. Then, the last thing the arts do, and I particularly feel this with certain kinds of music, is they kind of transform us to a kind of awe and wonder about the world. I feel this in poetry also. I'm a poet, and reading a poem by who might no longer even be alive with us can still make me feel like I'm a small but important part of a very big and very wonderful story. [0:29:03] PF: That's fantastic. Now, we're going to tell the listeners how they can find your website, how they can find your book. As you said, you have resources on the website so they can start doing some of these exercises. Your book has prompts and walks us through this. What is it that you want everyone listening to know and understand about loneliness? [0:29:23] JN: Let me go back to some of the things we talked about. By the way, thank you for helping get the word out. The other thing we have that's a lot of fun for people who aren't immediately willing to, "Oh, I'm going to make some art." Is, we use the power of the arts in the form of short films. We're now working with Steve Buscemi, the celebrated actor and filmmaker. He's an ambassador for what we call Project UnLonely Films. You come to our website and there's a whole portfolio of short films that look at loneliness and some of the major social territories in which they exist. So, trauma, aging, illness, difference, the modern world. You get to explore loneliness through the lens, literally, of someone who's making a film on it. Then, if you watch it with a few other people, you can just say, "Hey, what did we just watch?" and have a conversation. Don't overlook the opportunity. Come to our site, watch some of our films, sign up for our newsletter, so we'll send you a little link every week or two with a film and some conversation starters. So, there are lots of ways we can move from being a little bit cautious in a defensive crouch, which we're all in post-pandemic, to something a little bit more open-hearted, a little bit more open-minded. [0:30:40] PF: That is fantastic. The work you're doing is amazing. It's very necessary, and I truly believe it's going to help move that needle on loneliness in our society. So, I thank you for the work you're doing, first of all. Then, secondly, I really appreciate your time. It was an honor to sit down with you and talk about this. I know our listeners have gotten a lot out of this conversation. [0:31:00] JN: Thank you. It's my absolute pleasure, and even this conversation makes me feel more connected. So, thank you for that, too, Paula. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:31:08] PF: That was Dr. Jeremy Nobel, talking about loneliness. If you'd like to learn more about Jeremy, check out his book, Project UnLonely: Healing Our Crisis of Disconnection. Visit his website for resources or follow him on social media, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Live Happy newsletter. Every week, we'll drop a little bit of joy into your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

work

5 Strategies to Help You Enjoy Going to Work Again

Are you walking on eggshells around your employer? When it comes to dealing with a hard-to-please and perfectionistic manager, many employees find themselves riddled with anxiety. While others in the company might praise the boss for promoting high standards and a strong work ethic, the employees of this type of perfectionistic supervisor can feel oppressed, intimidated, and discouraged. Perfectionistic bosses often have extreme expectations of others (or themselves), think in a highly rigid manner, seem fixated on processes and efficiency, come across as self-righteous, and overemphasize rules (e.g., be at work at 7 a.m.) instead of principles (e.g., be a punctual person). Not surprisingly, these managers can create an exceptionally stressful work environment, resulting in employees feeling like they’re never doing enough, their goals are insufficient, and their standards are subpar. This tends to be demoralizing for the entire team. As a result, employees stuck in this workplace culture often feel helpless, and after contending with continued frustrations, they can eventually experience profound hopelessness. When a boss’s perfectionistic tendencies are projected onto others in the workplace, it can lead to many feeling like they have to tiptoe around the office. This is because employees are terrified of completing "imperfect" work, which can set off a prickly boss. Fortunately, there are ways to make this work situation more manageable. Although there are no magic techniques that will guarantee success, the following strategies can help you breathe more easily around a perfectionistic boss: 1. Pick Your Battles Do not fight the war on every front. Be judicious about which of your boss’s behaviors and interactions you address. Accept that you cannot fix all of them, as employers often don’t respond well to pushback at every turn. For this reason, it’s vital to find the balance between addressing their perfectionism and preserving your relationship with them. 2. Use Assertiveness to Communicate An assertive communication style generally protects the relationship, preserves self-respect, and conveys your needs. When taking this approach, choose language that focuses on your experience rather than your boss's shortcomings. You can do this by selecting "I" rather than “You” statements. For example, instead of saying, "Your timeline is unreasonable and unfair,” try, "I'm worried about getting this project done on time, as the timeline seems very ambitious." Communication also includes nonverbal behavior. You can’t say the assertive statement while rolling your eyes and snickering because it will invalidate the proactive nature of the content. 3. Be Private Do not call out a perfectionistic boss in public, in front of the team, or in front of the boss’s supervisors or other key stakeholders. This is a recipe for defensiveness and shattered trust in the workplace. Instead, provide feedback to them in private. 4. Leverage Strength in Numbers Sometimes, it is more effective when a cohort of individuals gently brings feedback to a perfectionistic supervisor. It’s easy for a perfectionistic boss to dismiss one person’s concerns, but it’s a little more challenging when it’s coming from a group of people. This only works, however, if the communication strategy isn’t hostile (see #2 above) and isn’t public (see #3 above). 5. Set Reasonable Boundaries Combine these tips with your assertiveness to establish reasonable boundaries with your boss. Boundaries work best when they are based on your values. Do you place high regard on work-life balance, family, financial security, learning, and curiosity? Use these values to guide what boundaries you need to set with your employer. However, be mindful that your values may not always align with those of your boss or organization and that you may need to negotiate these with them. While these tips will help you address a manager’s perfectionistic behavior in most situations, not all bosses will respond well to feedback or attempts at addressing their perfectionism. Therefore, it’s imperative that you assess your particular situation and determine whether these tips make sense for your workplace. Perfectionistic bosses can be tricky to navigate, but you now have tools to reduce your workplace anxiety and create a more harmonious workplace culture. Dr. Greg Chasson is a licensed clinical psychologist and board-certified cognitive-behavioral therapist. He is also an Associate Professor, the Director of Behavioral Interventions of the Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders Clinic in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, a keynote speaker, and the author of FLAWED: Why Perfectionism is a Challenge for Management.

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