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Are You Making This Common Parenting Mistake?

After relationship issues and personal growth, parenting ranks among the most pressing topics facing adults today. I am a parent, and I also talk to a lot of parents, both in my personal life and at work in my private practice as a therapist. Parenting is clearly an important and difficult job. We, as parents, are not only providing for the basic physical needs of our children, but we are often hyper-focused on their psychological needs as well. On top of that, we hold ourselves responsible for the implications of each of our decisions: We want to do the best job possible and not mess up our kids! This desire to be the best parent possible can translate into an unrealistic ideal of the super parent. Thanks a lot, Martha Stewart! When my daughter was in elementary school, she participated in a children’s book club in our neighborhood. Each family took a turn hosting with a theme-related activity, decorations and food. Parents went all out! When it was our turn to host, the book was about puppies. My daughter and I baked cookies in the shape of dog biscuits, we made a puppy-related art project and bought puppy plates. I really thought I had hit it out of the park when we bought little plastic bowls for the kids to drink out of instead of cups. To be honest, I felt like a very successful parent—something I struggled with because I worked outside of the home. One mom arrived early and complimented all that we had done but then critically asked why I did not have puppy ears for the kids to wear. In hindsight I now see that she was inconsiderate and ridiculous, but at the time I was truly crushed. It took me a few minutes to regroup, because her judgmental question launched me into a state of insecurity and worry. We put so much pressure on ourselves that it’s easy to feel that we have somehow failed, or at least not met expectations. Underpraised and overburdened The drive to be a super parent can leave you feeling stressed out, depressed, guilt-ridden and like a complete failure. Trying to be and do everything at a level of perfection will only lead to exhaustion and unhappiness, and set a poor example for our children—the very people we are trying to nurture, teach and please. Typically the need to be a super parent emerges from these three areas: Expectations: Whether set by our own standards or those we perceive from society, expectations cause us to stop focusing on what is emotionally best for our families. This creates too much pressure, which can lead to guilt, disappointment, frustration and sadness. Comparison/envy: Sometimes we are so busy looking at what other people are doing that we lose focus on what is best for our family. While it is tempting to try to keep up with, or even outdo, a neighbor’s over-the-top birthday party, it may not be what your child wants, or what you can afford. Insecurity: The need for perfection can be rooted in insecurity. We may feel overextended and worry that we are not devoting enough time and energy to parenting. That can lead to skewed perceptions of what is good, healthy and desirable. Let’s stop trying to be super parents and focus on being good parents instead. Good parents allow room for error and fatigue, accept their imperfections and model to their children that trying your best is what is important. Good parents focus on the well-being and happiness of themselves and their family.
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Should We Aim To Be Perfectly Happy?

Should We Aim To Be Perfectly Happy?

If you were to score yourself on a scale of zero to 10, how happy were you yesterday? And how happy are you today with your life? Over the last decade, researchers, workplaces and governments have begun repeatedly measuring our levels of happiness. Why? As we have documented in Live Happy over the past two-and-a-half years, a growing body of research suggests happy people are more successful in marriages, friendships, earning money, work performance and physical health. So surely the higher our happiness scores, the more success we’ll all have. Right? Well perhaps. A more nuanced look at happiness “In our achievement-oriented culture, we often expect to see scores go up,” explains Dr. Peggy Kern from The University of Melbourne, and one of the world’s leading researchers on well-being and its impact. “But I think being 10 out of 10 on a happiness or well-being measure is probably maladaptive. It’s good to have a high level of happiness and to maintain that over time, but it’s also important to be aware that we can have too much of a good thing. And depending on what’s going on in your life, being happy is not always appropriate” For example, researchers have found that while many of us may believe reducing our level of stress is key to improving our happiness, the Gallup World Happiness Report has found that countries with high stress also score high on happiness and well-being. Despite the common perception, stress is not necessarily a bad thing. Happy lives are not stress-free, nor does a stress-free life guarantee happiness. The right kind of stress Health psychologist Kelly McGonigal in her best-selling book The Upside of Stress explains: “The Gallup Poll found that raising a child under 18 significantly increases the chance that you will experience a great deal of stress every day—and that you will smile and laugh a lot each day. Entrepreneurs who say that they experienced a great deal of stress yesterday are also more likely to say that they learned something interesting that day. Rather than being a sign that something is wrong with your life, feeling stressed can be a barometer for how engaged you are in activities and relationships that are personally meaningful.” As psychologists Richard Ryan, Veronika Hutaand Edward Deci write in a chapter of The Exploration of Happiness, “The more directly one aims to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning and community.” The many facets of happiness “Happiness comprises multiple elements, such as positive emotions, engagement in life, relationships, a sense of meaning and accomplishment and good physical health,” explains Peggy. “By regularly measuring how we are doing in different areas, we can start to understand what happiness means to us personally, and how we’re impacted by the actions we choose to take and our life experiences.” “Again the goal is not a perfect score in every domain,” she says. “Instead, it’s about noticing when you are living in a way that is most adaptive for you based on what you value, the situations you find yourself in, the resources you have to draw upon and the results you want to achieve. Then take steps to maintain this consistently, or make adjusts as needed.” How can you broaden your measures of happiness? Here are six evidence-based steps: Track your well-being Take the free PERMAH Workplace Wellbeing Survey developed by Peggy to see how you’re doing, set small goals for improvement and access a database of more than 200 different evidence-based practices to improve your happiness at work. Balance your emotions Researchers have found that both positive and negative emotions have their place when it comes to flourishing. While positive emotions can boost our energy, self-confidence and creativity, negative emotions can trigger our awareness that something important to us is not right. They can be a catalyst for change. Happiness is about having the psychological flexibility to understand when heartfelt positive emotions serve us best, and when we need to practice being comfortably uncomfortable with stress and anxiety. You can track your emotions and reflect on their impact using the free two-minute test at www.positivityratio.com. Develop your strengths Researchers have found using our strengths—those things we’re good at and enjoy doing—can help us feel more confident, engaged and energized about our work. They also caution that focusing only on our strengths can give us a false sense of competence, result in over-used strengths and ignores the power of our weaknesses. Happiness requires being able to find the right strength, in the right amount and for the right outcomes, and being able to tackle our weaknesses head-on when they are important. You can start by discovering your strengths using the free 10-minute survey at www.viacharacter.org. Create authentic connections Considerable scientific evidence suggests other people matter. Practicing gratitude not only improves our relationships, but has also been found to reduce stress and negative emotions, and increase our levels of energy and resilience. Before you leave work each day, take the time to genuinely thank one person for how they made your day a little better. Be specific about what you appreciated and why. Find a healthy sense of meaning Adam Grant, Ph.D., expert in altruism and professor at the Wharton Business School of Business, notes the single strongest predictor of having a sense of meaning and purpose is the belief that what we do has a positive impact on others. Think about how what you do each day can help others—even if it’s just the person sitting next to you. Then take time each week to savor the difference you make. Be aware, however, that when our passion becomes obsession (and you hear yourself saying “I have to” instead of “I want to”), this can undermine happiness in the long term. So try to aim for balance, not obsession. Nurture hope While 89 percent of us believe tomorrow will be better than today, only 50 percent of us believe we can make it so. Researchers suggest this belief is the difference between wishing and hoping. When we hope, we set clear “want-to” goals, pathways to reach them, and we find ways to maintain our willpower. As a result, hope can add about an hour a day in terms of productivity, and it helps to improve our health and well-being. You can map your hopes at work by following these simple steps. So this year on the International Day of Happiness, what steps can you take to improve your happiness? Michelle McQuaid is a best-selling author and coach with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Her work has been featured in Forbes, The Harvard Business Review, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal and many other outlets.
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Happiness Wall

Get Ready for the International Day of Happiness

And once again Denmark tops the list of happiest countries. In 2012 the United Nations established March 20 as the International Day of Happiness (IDOH), acknowledging that well-being is as important a measure of a population as longevity or wealth. World Happiness Report Every year during the lead-up to IDOH, the United Nations releases the World Happiness Report 2016, a ranking of the world's countries ranked according. This year, the United States comes in at a tepid 13, which is two better than in 2015. Topping the list once again, after briefly losing first place to Switzerland last year, is Denmark: Land of the Frozen Smile. At the other end of the spectrum are war-torn countries such as Burundi, Iraq and Syria. Happiness walls Live Happy has adopted the IDOH celebration as our own; we start the month off with our #HappyActs campaign, which builds up a joyful momentum, encouraging everyone to spread happiness around the globe. Each year, giant orange Happiness Walls are erected across North America as a focal point for people to pledge how they will share happiness with others. To find out where you can get to a Happiness Wall near you, check the map here. Schools, offices and local community organizationscan also join in the celebration by hosting their own happiness walls. This Friday, March 18, our “Happiness Ambassadors” will be hosting 68 walls in cities across the country, including Cincinnati, Ohio; Dallas, Texas; Detroit, Michigan, and many more. Family Happiness Boards If you won’t be able to make it to a Happiness Wall, you can always create a Family Happiness Board at home. It's a fun, crafty project you can do with the whole family that will bring back joyful memories all year long. Ten Practices for Choosing Joy Just in time for the International Day of Happiness, Live Happy is proud to launch our new book, Ten Practices for Choosing Joy. Live Happy Co-Founder and Editorial Director Deborah K. Heiszand award-winning documentary filmmaker Nicholas Kraft will be presenting the book for the first time at the United Nations Bookshop on Thursday, March 17, at 1 p.m.
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Walking the Talk: My Day of Happiness

How to Be Happy All Day

One Live Happy writer walks the talk for a day of round-the-clock happiness. When I wrote the story “Happiness Around the Clock,” which describes 24 hours of mood-boosting habits, I was struck by how much my own typical day deviates from the one I outlined. Sure, on some measures I’m spot on. For example, I talk to strangers every day. Carlos, my very handsome and ebullient golden retriever, makes sure of that since he demands that everyone we pass stop and pet him during our thrice-daily walks. And I can attest that those 30 seconds or so of friendly chatting do, indeed, as studies show, give a little lift to your spirits. And, yes, thanks to Carlos, I’m also covered on getting the recommended three brief doses of daily exercise, a surefire stress buster. But on many of the other expert recommendations from the article, I fall short. So, I decided to devote one full day to following the ’round-the-clock happiness template so see what 12 hours of well-being truly feels like. Start from a place of ease I try to begin my day “from a place of ease,” as mindfulness expert Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., puts it, by doing some arm circles in bed and checking in on how I’m feeling physically (well rested) and emotionally (some low-level anxiety about a story I need to write). This is a departure from the way I usually start my mornings, which is reaching for the iPad that I’ve stowed on my bedside table and opening my browser to CNN (only to be confronted by some pretty dismaying headlines first thing in the morning). My morning routine, with intention I really make my bed. Most days I just give the duvet a quick shake, but today I also tuck in the sheets and rearrange the pillows with so much care they wouldn’t be out of place in a Pottery Barn catalog. The mindful shower I slow down my shower. In drought-stricken California, you don’t want to linger in the shower too long, but I’ve prepared for the “mindful shower” that Elisha advocates with a jar of wonderful-smelling brown sugar scrub. Slow down and take notice I create transitions. I often move on to a new writing project while I still have papers and notes from the one I’ve just completed scattered across my desk. Today, I want, as yoga teacher Sam Chase suggests, to begin a new task fully present. So I clean my desk between tasks and take a couple of moments to brew a cup of lavender green tea. A respite in the sunshine Instead of eating at my desk, I take a break to “cultivate the best me.” I load my healthy salad and a wedge of salmon frittata on a tray and head out to the backyard with Carlos at my heels. I’ve brought along the book Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence by Berkeley neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, Ph.D. I’d been meaning to start this for weeks now but never found the time. Since I’ve left my phone upstairs, I can devote 15 minutes to focused reading. That’s enough time, it turns out, to get excited about Rick’s belief that we can rewire our brain to overcome its “negativity bias” and “take in the good.” Since I’m in sunny Southern California, I get bonus points for getting the recommended daily hit of sunlight. A healthy afternoon treat I’ve banned double chocolate chip cookies from my pantry, so when my sweet tooth bites in the late afternoon, I try a method suggested by nutritionist Karen Wang Diggs. I rub a few drops of an essential oil between my palms (I find a rose and frankincense blend in my bathroom vanity) and, inhaling deeply, take in the scent. It’s very pleasant but I still want a chocolate chip cookie. I brew a cup of caffeine-free chocolate-almond tea instead. Prioritize positivity I “prioritize positivity” when I create the next day’s to-do list. I schedule a Pilates class with my favorite teacher for noon and I make a note that I’m going to start a new novel, Bring Up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel, in the evening. Make time for connection I haven’t gotten any friend time in yet so, on the spur of the moment, I call my friend Lulu. I have some whole-wheat pizza dough in the freezer, would she like to come over for dinner? An hour later, we’re in my kitchen together, finding flow and connection in rolling out the dough while we chat about our days. After dinner, Lulu, Carlos and I go for a final dose of daily exercise. I can check off three more tips from “Happiness Around the Clock.” My new bedtime ritual I don’t have a bedtime ritual, something that neuroscientist Alex Korb, Ph.D., advises. I improvise, patting a few drops of my rose and frankincense essential oil on my face. And, to make sure I’ve got my “mindfulness moments” covered, I concentrate on the feeling of my fingertips on my skin. As I do, I silently express gratitude—the final step of the daily prescription—for the fresh basil growing in my garden, the company of good friends, the buoyant health of my adored Carlos. The takeaway So, here’s what I learned from my experiment. Objectively, this was a pretty ordinary day. There were no hot-air balloon rides or unexpected bouquets of flowers from a secret admirer. But the little tweaks I made from morning until bedtime did lead to a sprinkling of pleasant experiences that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. And I imagine that the cumulative effect of those moments, day after day, could lead to a pretty significant happiness bonus. Tomorrow is another day, and I’m going to keep the experiment going. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.
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Happiness Around the Clock

Happiness Around the Clock

There are 1,440 minutes in a day, and while we can’t expect every moment to be blissful, we each have the means to increase our sense of joy, connection and well-being in our daily lives. Two main strategies will help you achieve this. One, through simple actions you can train your brain to “tilt toward positivity,” says neuroscientist Alex Korb, Ph.D., author of The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time. Two, you can live more harmoniously with your body’s natural rhythms by aligning activities like eating, sleeping and when you turn on and off the lights to your circadian clock. Throughout the day this built-in internal timer regulates everything from body temperature to the release of hunger hormones. Follow these cues and you’ll flourish, disrupt them and you’ll experience an avalanche of disturbances, from insomnia and weight gain to foggy thinking and depression. “Circadian rhythm hygiene is every bit as important to good health as washing your hands,” says Christopher Colwell, Ph.D., director of the Laboratory of Circadian and Sleep Medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles. With expert advice, we’ve put together a template of what these two strategies would look like in an average day. Consider it a tick-tock of contentment. Adjust the timing to your needs but try to follow the general principles for a week or two. You’ll likely find you experience more happy moments each and every day. 6:30 a.m.: Wake up to an alarm clock that mimics the rising sun. A study published in the European Journal of Applied Physiology shows that gradual light exposure during the last 30 minutes of sleep can increase alertness, enhance both mental and physical performance, and improve mood. The Soleil Sleep Spa and the Philips Wake-Up Light both combine dawn simulation with nature sounds like morning birds or ocean waves. 6:45 a.m.: Devote a few minutes before you get out of bed to a mindful check-in. Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., author of MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, suggests asking yourself questions like, “How am I starting this day? How is my body feeling? How am I feeling emotionally?” If you notice you’re tense, Elisha suggests widening your arms to expand your chest, opening your mouth a few times to stretch out the jaw muscles and dropping your shoulders. “You want to begin your day from a place of ease,” Elisha says. 6:50 a.m.: Make Your bed. This simple act creates a small sense of satisfaction and pride that sets a positive tone for the rest of your day. Charles Duhigg, author of the best-selling book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, notes that a daily tidying of the sheets correlates to better productivity and a greater sense of well-being. 7 a.m.: Shower with intention and attention. “Mindful showers have transformed my life,” Elisha says. “I always thought of the morning shower as one of those daily tasks you have to do.” That changed when he bought a bar of rose-scented soap. The fragrance evoked sensory memories of the summers he spent at his grandmother’s house in Burlington, Vermont, and summoned feelings of love, warmth and comfort. Now, Elisha begins his showers by holding the bar of soap, inhaling its scent for a few deep breaths and paying attention to the feeling of the warm water against his skin. “The small splurge on a special soap is a way of taking care of yourself, and that can boost your feelings of self-worth,” he says. 7:30 a.m.: Eat breakfast within the first two hours of waking up. “Delaying any longer than that and you’re skipping a meal, and that depletes your physical and mental energy,” says Lisa Dierks, a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with the Mayo Clinic Healthy Living Program. The ideal breakfast will include a protein, a grain and a fruit or vegetable. For example, plain Greek yogurt topped with berries and low-sugar granola. 8 a.m.: Take your first 10-minute dose of daily exercise. Don’t have time for a lengthy workout every day? No sweat! Shorter bouts of exercise can boost your well-being just as effectively as a single sustained session. Maybe even more. One recent study at the Healthy Lifestyles Research Center at Arizona State University showed that walking briskly for 10 minutes, three times a day, was significantly more effective in lowering blood pressure than a single half-hour session. 8:30 a.m.: Find ease during your morning commute. Whether we battle bumper-to-bumper traffic or crowded subway cars, the commute to work can be stressful. The road to relaxation? Cultivating a sense of community with your fellow commuters. When Elisha finds himself getting tense on the drive to Los Angeles’ Center for Mindful Living, which he co-founded and where he practices as a clinical psychologist, he turns inward rather than venting at the drivers around him. “I ask myself, ‘What am I really needing right now? What are the other drivers around me needing?’ ” The answer often leads him to silently recite, “May we all have more ease and patience in this traffic.” This creates a shift, Elisha says, “that completely transforms my experience. I go from disconnection to connection and the whole frustrated mind seems to dissipate.” 9 a.m.: Center yourself before you transition to a new activity. We often carry around the equivalent of an emotional doggy bag as we move through our day, bringing the stress of a harried morning to an important meeting or the fatigue of a three-hour business meeting to giving our kids a bath. “A lot of time our focus gets stolen,” says Sam Chase, author of Yoga & the Pursuit of Happiness and co-owner of New York’s Yoga to the People studio. To begin a new activity fully present, he suggests slowing down for a moment of transition. “When I’m about to go into a new situation, I’ll pause and take three breaths right at the doorway,” he says. “That helps me let go of what I was doing and open myself up to whatever I’m entering without distraction.” 12:30 p.m.: Choose a true happy meal for lunch. Skip the fast food and opt for a mix of protein, veggies, whole grains and healthy plant-based fats like those found in avocados or olive oil. “I think of food as edible happiness,” says chef and nutritionist Karen Wang Diggs, author of Happy Foods: Over 100 Mood-Boosting Recipes. “On the most fundamental level, food, beyond just sustaining us, has the capacity to nourish us on a deeper level.” When we eat heavily processed meals that are heavy in refined carbs, like white rice or pasta, and sugar, we set in motion a series of physiological responses that lead to the release of stress hormones, mood swings, fatigue, and, as a recent study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed, a higher risk of depression. 1 p.m.: Take your second dose of daily exercise. Want to get even more benefit from your brisk walk? Seek out some greenery—a tree-lined street, a local park, an urban garden amid city skyscrapers. Studies show that a walk in nature reduces activity in the part of the brain associated with rumination, that endless loop of doomsday thinking and self-reproach. Another way to put more bounce in your step is to share your walk with a co-worker or two. Strong relationships with co-workers are one of the most important factors in workplace satisfaction. 3 p.m.: Beat the mid-late afternoon slump with a healthy alternative to a sugary snack. Karen suggests half an avocado with a sprinkling of sea salt and a dash of lemon juice; a slice of turkey or ham wrapped in a romaine lettuce leaf or ½ cup full-fat yogurt with a tablespoon of sunflower seeds. Instead of a cup of coffee—caffeine after 2 p.m. can interfere with sleep—try this energizing alternative: Keep a bottle of an essential oil, like rosemary or peppermint, in your desk drawer or purse. Place three drops in the palm of your hands, rub them together, hold your palms up to your face and inhale deeply for three breaths. 4:30 p.m.: Pause for a moment to consider your personal values. Make a habit of taking a break from meetings and emails for a moment of self-reflection and inspiration. Erica Brown, a Jewish scholar and educator, suggests thinking about a different aspiration or emotion each day. In her new book Take Your Soul to Work: 365 Meditations on Every Day Leadership, she suggests pondering questions like, “What does your authentic self look like when no one is looking?” “When is the last time you shared something of beauty with those who work with you?” and “Name something you love so much that it can never fail you.”6 p.m.: Build a better to-do list. Before you leave your workplace for the day, create a to-do list for tomorrow. Along with jotting down the tasks you need to complete, make sure you’re carving out time in your day for things you love to do. Researcher Lahnna Catalino, Ph.D., of the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine, calls this “prioritizing positivity.” Her research shows that it’s a far more effective tactic for achieving happiness than striving to feel joy, contentment, gratitude or peace every second of the day. Prioritizing positivity means different things to different people, Lahnna says. Two activities that elicit positive emotions in most people are connecting with a loved one and doing something physically active. 7 p.m.: Enjoy dinner with family or friends. Close relationships with other people are a keystone to happiness, and the dinner table is a natural place for connecting. A new study of more than 11,000 adults shows that face-to-face interactions with friends and family members offer powerful protection against depression; contact by phone, text or emails don’t have the same power. Plus, a slew of studies have shown family meals lead to a wide range of benefits, including better grades and fewer incidences of behavior like smoking and drinking in teens. 7:30 p.m.: Close down your kitchen. Scientists are discovering that when you eat is nearly as important as what you eat. “Our bodies are designed to take in calories over 12 hours and fast for 12, says Christopher, the neuroscientist. Research at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in San Diego has shown that disrupting this natural order by, say, snacking at midnight or 2 a.m. leads not only to poor sleep and weight gain but also to the kind of metabolic disorders seen in people with diabetes. Now, a study just completed at Christopher’s lab suggests that mistimed eating can also impair memory and learning. 8 p.m.: Take your final dose of exercise. Go for a post-dinner stroll but avoid intense aerobic exercise. We fall asleep when our core body temperature drops, says Christopher, and when you do a heavy workout you raise the body temperature, thwarting slumber. 9 p.m.: Eliminate sources of blue light two hours before you hit the hay. “Light is a huge anchor for sleep,” says Colleen Ehrnstrom, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with the Department of Veterans Affairs in Denver, and co-author of the upcoming book End the Insomnia Struggle (coming October 2016). Just as the light of dawn awakens us, the dimming of light cues our body to produce melatonin, a hormone that quiets alertness and preps us for slumber. The kind of blue light that’s emitted by our electronics devices is especially disruptive. You can filter out some of the blue light by lowering the brightness of your screen, donning glasses with orange lenses or covering your screens with an orange filter. (You can find a range of products at lowbluelights.com.) 10:30 p.m.: Transition to bedtime with a nightly ritual. “We often think that going to sleep is like shutting off a computer,” Alex says. “You just hit the power button and you shut your brain down. But, in fact, your brain requires a little more time to relax and unwind.” Along with brushing your teeth and cleansing your skin, prime yourself for sleep with simple yoga stretches, prayer or meditation. 11 p.m.: Lights out. Spend your last few minutes of wakefulness noting a few things that you’re grateful for. These can be both big—the good health of your family—and small—the lemons ripening on your windowsill. Keeping a gratitude list will make you more optimistic, healthier and alert. You’ll also be more likely to make progress toward an important personal goal and more likely to help others. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.
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Happiness-Board-WIZZZ.jpg

Create a Family Happiness Board!

Whether you are part of a traditional family, or have a group of friends who are as close as family, chances are you derive a significant portion of your happiness from spending time and sharing experiences with the ones you love. Science tells us that looking forward to those experiences as well as reflecting on joyful memories generates a boost to your well-being that is almost equal to the experience itself! Bringing happiness back home As the editorial director of Live Happy, I’ve spoken at the United Nations and traveled the world as an ambassador for the importance of happiness in our lives. Now I am bringing the message back home with the Family Happiness Board—and I’d like to invite you to make one, too! A happiness board not only reflects past joyful moments, but it works as a reminder of what we love and how we can share happiness with the world around us. Here’s how I—and Live Happy contributing editor Sandra Bienkowski—put ours together. Please share photos of your boards with us using the hashtag #HappyActs on Twitter or Instagram. It’s also easy and fun to do. First, have each member of your family reflect on three questions: What makes me happy? What makes my family happy? What can we do together to make the world a happier place? Discuss the answers, and then get started making your board. Gather photos, quotes, mementos and other items that are meaningful and reflect on those times when you’ve been the happiest. I created a board with my family, and it was a blast. My children love to stare at it and talk about what every detail means to them. They point to the pictures and reminisce about vacations we took years ago. When we look at it together, it is an opportunity to go over what we do as a family to make others happy through our church, scouts or Live Happy’s #HappyActs campaign. Seeing the board hanging on the wall every day is both a reminder of great memories and a signal to do more to bring happiness to each other and to our community. It definitely raised the Gross National Happiness quotient in my house, and I highly recommend you give it a try, too. For more information on the International Day of Happiness on March 20 and how you can be a part of it, check happyacts.org.
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How to Survive a Workplace Bully

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, many adults spend more time at work than we do with our families. With so many hours spent at work, one would hope the time would be filled with relative peace and happiness—that we would be surrounded by friendly co-workers in a supportive environment, and that productivity and good relationships would be a priority. Sadly, that is not always the case. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, at least 27% of American adults have experienced bullying at some point. Workplace bullies almost never resort to physical violence—they use psychological and verbal attacks in order to gain a sense of power and cause emotional trauma. Typical bullying behaviors, according to the Institute, include verbal abuse; threatening, intimidating or humiliating behaviors; and work interference, including sabotage. What workplace bullying looks like Victims of workplace bullies often find that they are impacted both at work and away from work. Bullies have the unique ability to get under their victims’ skin in a way that is hard to shake off. Often even the most positive and emotionally healthy person will find him or herself feeling defeated, angry and even helpless. Victims can become depressed, anxious or suffer from lack of sleep. Psychologist Noreen Tehrani, Ph.D., wrote Managing Trauma in the Workplace after conducting research that showed bullying creates similar psychological and physical symptoms to those of soldiers who have returned from combat overseas! Interestingly enough, the targets of workplace bullying are not typically passive, insecure people who are inexperienced or new—much like we might see when we are talking about a school age bully. Instead, workplace bullies prefer to target employees who they see as a threat: someone who is competent, well liked and experienced. Their goal is to attempt to intimidate and gain power over the person in order to feel better about their own insecurities. How to handle the workplace bully As adults, bullies tend to be more subtle and passive-aggressive than the schoolyard variety. They are often driven, powerful individuals who at their core have similar emotional issues as child or teen bullies. They may behave this way out of low self-esteem, insecurity and a need to feel powerful by bringing others down. My experience as a therapist has taught me that it can be ineffective to try to get the bully to change unless he or she wants to change. As a result, my advice focuses on what the victim can do for him or herself. If you are being bullied at work and for whatever reason you need to stick with your job, you must focus on protecting your emotional state and preventing this person from emotionally and psychologically impacting you. 1. Do not let the bully impact your well-being. While it is natural to be rattled, hurt and angered by your treatment, it is important that you not allow the bully to take your emotional power away. Focus on the positive things in your life. Remind yourself that the fact that you are being treated badly does not have anything to do with who you are as a person. Redirect your emotions by doing things you enjoy that are away from work. 2. Distance yourself both emotionally and physically, if possible. It is important for your well-being to limit your interactions with anyone who is bullying you at work (or anyone who brings negativity into your life, for that matter). If you are forced to be around that person, limit the time you spend with him or her as much as possible and tell yourself to emotionally disengage. The less time and energy you invest in your relationship, the better. If you are in a frequent work relationship where you cannot disengage, consider talking to your manager about the situation or going to the Human Resources department for help. 3. Give back to those you feel deserve your time and energy. When you are feeling besieged at work, one way to increase your sense of well-being and self-worth is to give back to a worthy cause and remind yourself that you are a powerful positive force in this world. Donate to a favorite charitable organization or volunteer to help a friend with a challenging project. Then focus on the good you are doing to help offset the negativity coming at you at work. 4. Lean on your support system. When a person treats us in a way that is unkind, we often have a tendency to retreat and isolate. From a psychological point of view it is important to do the reverse: Bring people you love and care about closer, spend time with them, call them on the phone, and share your story and let them lift your spirits. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what city you live in, or where you work—you’re bound to encounter toxic people who treat others in a cruel and demeaning way. Since it’s nearly impossible to change these folks, your goal should be to minimize the impact they have on you. Make a pact with yourself that you will not let the bullies bring you down! Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is an editor at large for Live Happy, and the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know.
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5 Tips to Increase Family Bliss

Every parent knows the magic of those transcendent moments when one of your children will say or do something so sweet, or the family will be having so much fun, that it temporarily swells everyone's heart several sizes. But let's be honest: parents also know quite well the drudgery—or worse, an ongoing state of low-level annoyance—that can come with shuttling kids to activities, quelling the constant drone of sibling bickering and negotiating schedules and chores. If you often find yourself wishing that everyone could just get along, that you could somehow tap into those moments of family harmony, but then the ebb and flow of life carries you along before you can do anything about it, take heart: You don't need to wait for the next family vacation to recapture the magic. Try working these five ideas into your life and make the most of your family's time together. 1. Unplug, unplug, unplug Yes, we all know we should do a little less staring into our phones, but recent studies show that the very sight of screens (even if switched off!) can result in more shallow interactions between people who are spending time together. So silence your phone and stash it out of sight whenever you're with your family, unless you’re expecting an urgent message. You can then encourage your partner and/or kids to do the same. 2. Divide and conquer In their bestselling book Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish warn against the trap of "togetherness," especially if the kids are going through a bickering patch. One parent taking one child out while the other stays home with the other—or splitting up on a family outing, then coming back together for a meal—can give everyone a break from a dynamic that they might be stuck in. Similarly, parents should prioritize regular date nights where they can catch up with each other. 3. But…maintain family routines Family rituals, like special weekend meals, movie or game nights, religious worship or even the smaller everyday ones like a regular family dinner or a shared sibling storytime before bed, provide a predictable framework for being together that is comforting for everyone and that makes them feel happy at being a member of the group. 4. Don't get caught up in what everyone is doing wrong "Our habits shape our perception of our partner (or kids), so that if we start to think our spouse is sloppy, for example, we will always note when the socks are on the floor, but we don't notice how many times the socks are not there," says Marko Petkovic, author of The 5 Little Love Rituals. If you find yourself trapped in a loop of frustration at something one of your family members is doing, stop and remind yourself of a time recently when that person did something good. 5. Greet with a hug and part with a kiss Hugging produces happy neurochemicals such as endorphins, oxytocin and serotonin. Plus it is always a good idea to start and end the day on a loving note. Take the time to give your family a warm hello and goodbye even if you are in a hurry or may not feel like it at the moment. It will increase your well-being and stimulate good feelings all around. Lesley Porcelli is a freelance writer living in New York.
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How Healthy Are Your Money Habits? [Quiz]

When I think about what brings people the greatest unhappiness, money and money matters are always at the top of the list. While we don’t always have control over our financial situation, we can control whether our spending habits are healthy or in need of life support. Take this quiz and assess how well you are handling your part of the money equation. 1. I plan my spending budget in advance. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 2. I make sure not to spend everything I earn. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 3. I avoid impulse purchases for myself. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 4. I take the time to learn how to manage my finances so that I can continually improve. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 5. Even if it is uncomfortable or I’m afraid of what I’ll see, I look at my bills promptly so that I can make sure they are taken care of on time. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 6. If I am having a bad day and need a lift, if I choose to spend money, I monitor my expenses and manage my emotions. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 7. If I am uncertain about how to handle a financial situation, I reach out for guidance from someone who has more expertise or experience. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 8. I treat myself by buying myself things I can afford, so that I do not always feel deprived. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 9. I am prepared if faced with a big expense, like a repair to my home or car. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 10. When it comes to my finances, I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 11. I balance my lifestyle with my earnings so that I can be financially stress-free. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 12. I know exactly how much money comes in and how much goes out. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 13. I feel good about my financial situation. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER If most of your answers were: A: You have a strong hold over your finances and the behaviors and emotions connected with them. You tend to be responsible with your money and are advanced in this area. Keep a consistent eye on your financial situation, though, as sometimes successful people can grow too comfortable and stop being careful. B: You are successful in some areas when it comes to money and managing your finances. Continue putting effort into your strongest areas and pay close attention your weaker ones. Consider reaching out to your support system or an expert who can help guide you. If your weaker areas fall into the emotional realm, consider working on the emotions affecting your habits. If you struggle with your income, financial stability, etc., develop a plan that will put you on sturdier footing. C: You need to work on your finances and financial well-being. If you don’t feel educated and informed enough, reach out to financial experts and read books and online articles to help you grow. If emotional baggage is getting in your way, work through those issues so that you can handle your finances in a less emotional way. Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is an editor at large for Live Happy, and the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know.
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5 Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Emotional Closet

Around this time of year, you’re bound to see loads of articles about spring cleaning. And with the rise of Marie Kondo’s bestselling book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, decluttering has taken on a near-spiritual status. Spring is a time of rebirth, and just as we like to open the windows and give the house new light and new life, it is also the perfect time to break out the vacuum cleaner and clean out our emotional closets, where the dust-bunnies of fear and mildew of stagnation take hold. Cleaning out a closet has its challenges: Do you keep the much-loved sweater that is stained? Should you hang on to the jeans you swear you’ll fit into again someday? So it comes as no surprise that facing what’s in your emotional closet will take a little courage, patience and dedication. But if you follow these steps, you’ll kick off spring with a well-organized and freshly polished state of mind. Step 1: Take inventory The first step for cleaning out anything—emotional or otherwise—is to take a look at everything and see what you have. When it comes to emotional housekeeping, this means making time to write down what’s going on in the main areas of your life: work, home, relationships and love. What’s working well in these areas? What would you like to change? You may want to think about the fundamental building blocks of well-being according to positive psychology (PERMA), and see how you stack up there. Do you feel you have enough meaning in your life? Do you lack a sense of achievement at work, and are you engaged with the world around you? Step 2: Let go of what’s not working Just as you’d throw away worn-out T-shirts if you were cleaning out your closet, now is the time to identify and remove (or try to minimize) whatever no longer works for you emotionally. This could be a grudge you’ve been holding on to for years, a job you dread going to every day, or even a friend who no longer shares your values. This step is hard. When it comes to at-home organization, this is usually where people give up and just shove everything back into the closet. Doing the emotional work of letting go of things you’ve held on to but that no longer serve you can be painful, but the more negativity you remove, the more space you’ll have for positivity. Step 3: Give back what you can When it comes to actual closet cleaning, you would donate what you no longer need to friends or a charity. While you probably can’t do this with emotional cleaning (you can’t recycle a job, can you?), this is a good time to think about what you can give back to the world. Do you have special talents or skills? Are you a good friend, parent or co-worker? Are you able to donate time, money or efforts to a good cause? We all possess certain emotional skills that others can benefit from, and giving back to others can positively impact your emotional well-being. Step 4: Decide what you need more of After you identify what you no longer want and can give to others, it’s time to assess what you need more of in your life. Refer back to what you wrote in Step 1. What steps can you take right now to get more of what you need? For example, if you wrote that you’d like more affection from your partner, now’s the time to ask for it. Or, if you realized you need more alone time, tell your family you’ll be taking an hour to relax solo. Take steps to improve your well-being by actively creating the life you want. Step 5: Keep working at it Organized people keep their closets (and the rest of their rooms) arranged neatly by doing little bits of tidying every day. Keep your emotional closet clean by doing frequent check-ins. One of the best ways to do this is by keeping a journal. Checking in daily with the notes you made in Step 1 is the equivalent of putting things away as soon as you get home every night. For some, daily check-ins might be a bit much, but resolve to keep tabs on your emotional state at least once a week. Doing so will help you stay on track—and will prevent having to do a deep-down clean-out in the future. Dani DiPirro is an author, blogger and designer living in a suburb of Washington, D.C. In 2009, she launched the website PositivelyPresent.com with the intention of sharing her insights about living a positive and present life. Dani is the author of Stay Positive, The Positively Present Guide to Life and a variety of e-books. She is also the founder of Twenty3, a design studio focused on promoting positive, modern graphic design and illustration.
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