Girl Looking at book

Trick Yourself into Getting Started

It’s the new year. You may have recommitted yourself to your goals or set somenew ones. You may have vowed that you want to get more done without working more hours. You may want to feel like each day ends on a high note at work. You may want to feel energized, not drained. We’re going to let you in on somewhat of a productivity secret. It may seem counterintuitive at first, but it works. Before You Start: AssessYourself “Which goal has eluded me? Which goal have I not been able to achieve?” We don’t want you to start with something completely new like training for a marathon when you’ve never run a mile in your life. We want you to assess those things that bother you just enough that you want to change them. For example, you may exercise once a week, but perhaps haven’t been able to convert that into a daily habit yet. Or maybe you accomplish your day-to-day work but haven’t been able to devote enough time to more long-term, strategic projects. We want you to think about one of those goals, something that’s bothersome that you haven’t been able to achieve. Before we let you in on the secret, let’s takeyou to the car wash. Step 1) Start Earning Your “Free Car Wash” “How can I trick myself into believing I started yesterday?” Two researchers wanted to see which of two car wash loyalty cards would be more persuasive. At a professional car wash, the researchers gave out 300 loyalty cards. Half of the loyalty cards had eight spots that needed to be stamped in order to get the ninth free car wash. The other half of the loyalty cards had 10 spots that needed to be stamped to get the eleventh free car wash, but the first two spots on the card had already been stamped. Which loyalty card would get YOU to go to the car wash more often to eventually redeem the free wash? Think about it. Both require only eight visits. Would it make any difference to you? In the study, when customers had to get all eight spots stamped for a free car wash, only 19 percent followed through and redeemed the free car wash. When customers had to get 10 stamps but the first two had already been completed for them, 32 percent redeemed the free car wash. What was going on? When two stamps had already been placed on the 10-spot loyalty card, people felt that they were already in progress, that they had already started working on getting that free car wash. How can you do the same? How can you trick yourself into believing you’ve already started your project? One coaching client we know does just that.She creates her Tina’s Ta-Da! List, just like you probably do. The difference? The first two items on her list are things she has already completed, so she can feel the joy of immediately crossing them off. In fact, another client, Bob, always writes as the first item on his to-do list “make to-do list” and immediately crosses it off. Step 2) DON’T Finish Your Work at the End of the Day “How can I return to a project I’m energized about?” We told you there would be some counterintuitive advice. You might think that to increase your productivity, it would make sense to try to finish projects. Not so fast. There is some thorough research on the effect of interrupting yourself and leaving a project unfinished until you return to it. Consider our client Samantha. Samantha used to stay late at the office to finish her work. At the same time, she found that nearly every morning, she struggled with which project to work on first and was unmotivated and unfocused. Then we told her about research that demonstrates that people better remember those activities that they leave unfinished. Samantha started outlining the work she wanted to accomplish the next morning. What happened? Samantha found that when she returned to her desk the next day, she was full of energy for completing the previous day’s work. In some cases, she had even had a few additional thoughts about her work between going home and returning to the office in the morning. The best part for her though was that she felt more focused in the mornings, and had clear projects to jump back into. Step 3) Make a “Gladly Do” List “How can I make my steps so simple that I actually look forward to my to-do list?” One of our colleagues, Joanne, attempts as much as possible to be in control of her day. A lot of psychology research shows that some of the most engaged workers are those who feel in control of their own work. Joanne breaks down her tasks and projects into items so compact that she actually enjoys the specific actions. In fact, she calls her to-do list the “gladly do” list. How could you break out the steps of a project to the degree that each of those individual steps feels the opposite of overwhelming? How could you break out the steps of a project into “gladly do” actions? After: Reassess and Celebrate Your Progress “How have I been tricking myself into getting more done?” Finally, once you try to trick yourself into starting a project, once you curtail the urge to complete all of your work by the end of each day and once you convert your “to-do” list to a “gladly do” list, make sure to go back and reassess your progress. Sometimes, we make the mistake of assuming that a certain technique works for us. Check in with yourself, and reassess whether these trick-yourself steps have helped you get more done without working more hours. Finally, not all the car washes, finished presentations and to-do lists in the world are going to compensate for the calmness and pride of putting a dent into a project that had been unfinished. We wish you all the best with your project! Get Started Today: 1) TODAY Ask the three most important questions: What can I do if I only have five minutes? What can I do to move this project along by just 1 percent? What’s the smallest step I can take right now for the biggest, most positive impact? 2) EVERY DAY Keep a daily 10-minute appointment with yourself. The best way to break a work project into daily workable chunks: Schedule a 10-minute appointment with yourself on your calendar with a reminder alarm a few minutes beforehand. Use that 10 minutes daily to work on or plan out the project; it may feel unorganized and unclear at first, but keep at it – it takes a while to sort through the initial vagueness of organizing a project. Keep using those 10 minutes (you will get a lot of mileage from having that same appointment with yourself at the same time and in the same place each day); now use those 10 minutes to complete one or two small tasks related to the project each day. 3) EVERY WEEK Track weekly progress: If you are a visual person, hang a calendar in your office and mark off the days when you work on your project. If you love using apps for your lists and productivity, then create a simple way to track your consistency. One of us created a spreadsheet with weeks across the top: “Week of January 6,” “Week of January 13,” etc. Consistency can be as simple as a yes/no question: “Did I exercise today? Yes/no.” Margaret H. Greenberg and Senia Maymin, are organizational consultants and executive coaches. You can find more information at ProfitFromThePositive.com. Their new book is Profit from the Positive: Proven Leadership Strategies to Boost Productivity and Transform Your Business. “Trick Yourself into Getting Started” is one of more than 30 research based tools in their book.
Read More
Happy woman portrait blowing soap bubbles at the park.

Working on Your Own Happiness Isn’t Selfish

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”-Robert Louis StevensonIf you had the choice to spend the day with someone who exudes happiness or someone who has a martyr thing going, it wouldn’t be a tough decision, right? How about your super upbeat friend vs. your chronic complainer friend? Not a challenging choice there either. Spend time with someone who exudes positivity, and you are more likely to feel positive. Hang with someone who acts like life’s number one victim, and guaranteed, Debbie downer is going to rub off on you. It’s called emotional contagion, and it means the emotions of others can influence us. So if happy people make other people happy, why is it that happy people are sometimes thought to be selfish?“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided,” says Gretchen Rubin, happiness expert and author of The Happiness Projectand Happier at Home. “It's more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted.” Put another way …Happiness takes work. Happy people are taken for granted because they are thought of as naturally happy people or born happy, yet upbeat people have to work at being resilient, bouncing back, rising above, and staying positive. The outside world only sees the happy person and not the effort behind the scenes, so positive people don’t receive credit for creating their sunshine-like dispositions. “Happiness is a work ethic. You have to train your brain to be positive, just like you work out your body,” writes Shawn Achor is his book, The Happiness Advantage.Happy people are overlooked. If happy people are thought to be in selfish pursuit of their own fulfillment and pleasure, consider that the happy person often goes unnoticed. “No one is careful of (a happy person’s) feelings or tries to keep his spirits high,” Rubin says. “Because happy people seem self-sufficient, they become a cushion for others.” The happy person is expected to lift others up.Happiness doesn’t mean you lack empathy. Just because your smile lights up a room, doesn’t mean you are blind to the suffering going on in the world. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness to show the world you are compassionate. “Just as eating your dinner doesn’t help starving children in India; being blue yourself doesn’t help unhappy people become happier,” Rubin says. In fact, happier people are better equipped to demonstrate their empathy and help people because their emotional tanks are full. “When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems. I have more energy to try to take action and I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving,” Rubin says. There will always be tragic stories happening in the world, but empathy is better expressed with giving back and good deeds, than giving up your happiness in a show of support.Happy people give back. Happy people are more interested in social problems, more likely to do volunteer work and contribute to charity, according to Gallup Well-being polls. While unhappy people tend to socially withdraw and focus on themselves, happy people turn outward and are more available to help others. And when people give back it only enhances their happiness, says Harvey McKinnon, a nonprofit fundraising expert and author of The Power of Giving: How Giving Back Enriches Us All. “People are hard-wired to give, and when people give to others, it makes them feel better.” Turns out, one of the best ways to get happy in the first place is to do a selfless act—help other people be happy. Rubin calls it a splendid truth: “The best way to make yourself happy is to make others happy, and the best ways to make other people happy, is to be happy yourself.”So if anyone tries to rain on your happy parade by telling you that your investment in your happiness is a selfish pursuit, just say, “I am doing this for you,” because really, you are.Sandra Bienkowski, owner of The Media Concierge, LLC, is a national writer of wellness and personal development content and a social media expert.
Read More
Twins shouting at each other

Want to Be Happier? Argue with Yourself!

If someone were to say to you: “You are not a good friend,” you would instantly list a number of reasons why that person is wrong. How could they be right if, just this week, you surprised your co-worker with a get-well card, called your mom for her birthday and talked with your best friend for hours after her boyfriend broke up with her? All those reasons are proof positive that you are a thoughtful friend.And yet whenwe tell ourselveswe are not good at something, we believe it. We rarely argue with our own thoughts. We just listen and nod. The little voice in our heads can sometimes be hurtful, pessimistic, and downright mean, and we just sit back and take it. Believing what it says creates self-doubt and insecurity, which affects everything we do in life. The worst part is that often we are not even aware of our negative beliefs. We are so used to the chatter that we don't even notice. We simply experience the effects including anxiety,anger anddepression, and feelings of discouragement and hopelessness, to name a few.When was the last time you stopped to pay attention to what you really think about yourself and your potential? How often is it negative? Take a listen, it might surprise you!The next time you become aware of "negative talk" inside your head that doesn't seem fair, try the following steps:Identify the negative thought.Listen to your inner dialogue and write down what it is saying. It could be a simple one-liner. Some examples are: “I am never going to be in good shape,” “I am so bad at relationships and no one wants to date me,” and “I will never get a new job.”Give evidence to prove this thought is true.Let's take the first negative thought from above: “I am never going to be in good shape.” Evidence could include: I am trying to get in shape but my workouts don't seem to get any easier. I still find it hard to run a mile on the treadmill. I am sore after lifting weights. Put all the evidence down on paper.List the ramifications if this thought is true.If the statement “I am never going to be in good shape” is true, that means I am always going to be out of breath when I get on the treadmill. Climbing stairs at the office will continue to be exhausting for the rest of my life. I can never improve my level of physical fitness no matter how hard I work out at the gym. I am such a loser because I just can't seem to stick to my workout plan or even show up at the gym twice a week.Argue with yourself. Dispute the thought.Write down a list of reasons why this is not true. For instance, other people who go to the gym regularly do get in better shape. I was once in better shape when I exercised three times a week. Just by going to the gym once a week, I can already feel a difference climbing the stairs at work, even though I still get tired. That means I am making some progress and improving my level of fitness.Ask yourself if you want to believe that thought anymore.What value does it hold in your life? What do you get out of believing that thought? What could you achieve in life if you didn't believe that thought? “I am never going to be in good shape” does not help motivate anyone to work out. The thought provides no positive value to your life. Choosing not to believe it opens up the possibility that you could actually get in shape.Arguing with ourselves can be a great tool to help us change the way we see the world. Once we knock down these negative, limiting thoughts, we get out of our own way and start seeing that achieving anything really is possible.This post originally appeared on thePsychology Todaywebsite on April 6, 2010.
Read More
Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook

Transcript – Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:01] SS:  Thank you for joining us for episode 483 of Live Happy Now. Election season is fully underway, and that means many of us are already feeling that little thing called election stress, but this week we're offering a way to help you through it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and I'm joined by Dr. Lauren Cook, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Generation Anxiety. We've partnered with Lauren to provide a free four-week email course on overcoming election stress, and she's here today to talk about some of the common causes of election stress, what we can do about it, and how this free email course can help. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:43] SS:  Lauren, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [0:00:45] LC: Always good to be with you, Paula. Thanks for having me. [0:00:49] SS:  I am so excited to talk to you. We have been talking about this for a while, and putting this together. If you know me, I love a good origin story. It's really your origin story. Tell our listeners how this whole idea of addressing election stress came about. [0:01:06] LC: Well, Paula takes one to know one. We'll just – prepared. I'm a millennial myself, and in my own lived experience, I was seeing such a surge of anxiety in my life. I was seeing it with my peers. I'm a clinical psychologist, so now I treat many millennial and Gen Z clients. I've seen so acutely, really over the last decade how much trauma there's been, just collective anxiety. You notice it starts to become almost a little bit cyclical with each election cycle. So, you know, I know you and I were talking about, as we get ready for this big election coming up, really wanting to be intentional about providing mental health support for folks, so that we can be preventative this time, because I think sometimes, we almost have that response after the fact. This time we really want to get ahead of it to make sure people feel supported. [0:01:58] SS:  Yeah. That is true. You had brought the thought to me that this was something that you were seeing in your practice, and this is really how it all began. Based on that, what are some of the things that you're seeing are the main causes of election stress? Because we have elections every four years, but it hasn't been like this, every four years forever. [0:02:20] LC: Yeah. It's true. Things are so much more heightened. I think there's a lot of key reasons why that is. I talk about this in my book Generation Anxiety of why is it that we're seeing such a surge in anxiety, both in prevalence, the amount of people who are experiencing it and severity, the intensity of those symptoms. The low hanging fruit, we've got to name this, is the social media piece. It knows, the algorithm knows how to get into our brains, how to feed us vitriolic content. We know too, and these companies know that posts get way more attraction when they use things like hate speech, and when they use things like graphic, violent images. It just gets more eyeballs on it. We have to first acknowledge we're getting inundated with content. We're being fed very different content too, based on how we interact with it. So, what one person may be taking in is entirely different than what another person is taking in. We also have to consider too, and this is I think sometimes generationally where people can experience it differently, anybody can create content. Anybody, like anything. It's not like 50 years ago, right, where you have the main network news channels and these different newspapers, and that was the mainstay of where people got their content. Now, your neighbor, your mom, your nephew, they can all post videos, right? Not always really have that content back checked, but a lot of people can take any kind of information that they see online as truth. I think that's where things have gotten a lot more decisive as well. [0:04:00] SS:  Yeah. With the rise of fake news and the application of AI, how does that stress us out? Because when we see something now, we have to go through this whole cycle of, is this real? Is it true? What's really going on here? There's a processing that we didn't used to have to go through. [0:04:18] LC: Exactly, exactly. It's a whole other level of vetting. We are essentially having to be editors to everything, whereas before, it would be someone's job at the LA Times, for example, to be the editor. Now, we are all the editors. So, that really takes a psychological toll over time. I'll also add, it has gotten so contentious where people feel like if you disagree with me, I can't have a relationship with you. It feels so threatening to me to have relationship with someone who feels differently than I. I think part of that is because the content has become so intensified. So, how do we come back to that space where we can sit around the table, have our turkey dinner together, and not throw a fork at someone. How do we get back to that space, even holding that we may very much disagree? I think that is really a collective goal that we all need to come back to. [0:05:17] SS:  I'm so glad you brought that up, because I've seen posts where people say, basically, if you can't agree with me on this, this, and this, then we can't be friends anymore. It seems like there's just these hard lines being drawn. I received a text from a person I know this morning, and it was very political and it didn't skew the way that I believe. I just wrote – text her back and I said, “Hey, let's not do the political thing this year, okay? Thanks.” She wrote back and just said, “Okay.” I think that's, like it's done. That's it. [0:05:50] LC: I love that. [0:05:51] SS:  In many cases, we feel though that we have to defend our position. How do we go through that little thing? [0:06:01] LC: Yeah. Oh, it's so tricky. This is something I have a lot of clients bring into the therapy space of how do I navigate this, right? Because I see the opposite side of it too, where people really silence themselves with how they feel about things, because they're so afraid if I post about how I feel about this, all these people are not going to talk to me anymore. Then we're really missing an opportunity where we could learn from each other and have respectful discourse and dialogue. It really comes back to what we call the dialectic to both end holding the possibility that we can completely disagree and we can still be respectful towards each other. Does it mean we're going to be besties? Maybe not. But I can still hold respect for your humanity, your lived emotional experience. We've got to come back to empathy with that, right? There's this amazing quote that if you really got to know every single person on this planet, you would find something to love about them. That is true even with people who we completely disagree with politically, right? There can still be, for most people, something that we can still connect to in our shared humanity. [0:07:14] SS:  Yeah. That's something I really try to look for, where it might be someone who thinks very differently than I do. I'm like, “Yeah, but they rescue animals.” It's – [0:07:25] LC: Yeah. [0:07:26] SS:  They do that. How bad can they be? [0:07:29] LC: It's hard, right? We get into all or nothing thinking a lot. [0:07:33] SS:  Right. [0:07:33] LC: This is actually what gives people a lot of anxiety, because when we label people as all good or all bad, then we have to turn the mirror on ourselves and say, “Well, am I an all-good person?” [0:07:45] SS:  No – [0:07:47] LC: Show me an all-good person. It's an impossible amount of pressure. We have to then start looking at the fact of like, oh, I have messy broken parts in myself too, just as I'm looking at other people and seeing their messy broken parts and really checking ourselves on that front of like, I'm no better than someone else, like we're all just in the mess trying to figure it out, right? But I think we have to check ourselves when we get into that, this person's good or bad or this person's right or wrong kind of thing. [0:08:16] SS:  Absolutely. Something that you've created for us and I am so excited to finally unveil is our four-part email series on election stress. Can you just walk us through what the four steps or weeks that you have and what people can expect when they sign up for this? [0:08:33] LC: Yes. Let me just say, Paula, like thank you so much for advocating for this content, because talk about something that's impacting our experience of happiness. This election gets in the way of that certainly. I love you making space for this. The first piece is identifying what the heck is election anxiety? What is this stress? What are the signs of it? How can I notice if I myself or my loved ones are struggling with it? What do we do about it? How do we work through it, right? I never want folks to feel like they have to just sit in this and not do anything about it. That's why I write so much about what I call empowered acceptance. We'll just tease it at that, so that people want to find out more. Then we also talk about how do you actually have relationships with people when you do disagree, especially as we get into the holiday season coming up, there's just statistically no way, probably that everyone in your family feels the exact same way you do. So, how do we have respectful discourse in our workplace, in our homes, all these different spaces, including online? Then the last piece is processing the aftermath. You and I are talking about this before the election has happened. We don't know what's going to take place in a few months, but we really want to provide people support whether their party wins, whether their party loses. We don't know, but all the same how to handle victory, how to handle loss with grace no matter what and really have compassion for other people's experiences of it too. That's a bit of a teaser of what's ahead. [0:10:01] SS:  Yeah. I'll just say for our listeners that this is exceptionally well written and presented and it is such valuable information and it's a free email course that we're going to offer. I'm really excited to be doing that. As we're talking about that first issue that comes out, the signs of election stress, what are just a couple of the symptoms that you're experiencing election stress? [0:10:27] LC: I'll give folks three things to pay attention to. One, the physicality of it. Anxiety is such a physical experience and we often forget that. If you notice you're having sleep problems, stomach problems, stomach problems and anxiety are best friends, unfortunately. Pay attention to any physical cues that you notice. Then people tend to go one of two ways with election anxiety. They either get obsessive about it. If you notice you're having the news cycle on constantly, you're taking in the same content over and over again, but you just can't walk away. It's become addicting for you or oppositely you're having an avoidant response. You don't know anything of what's going on politically, because it's too overwhelming for you or it's too activating. Either of those signs or cues that election anxiety may be at your back door. [0:11:19] SS:  That's really good. Now your work, as you've said, it's primarily with Gen Z and millennials, so you see how it's affecting them, but this election stress takes down every generation. Does Gen X and baby boomers respond to it differently than you see with Gen Z and millennials? [0:11:37] LC: Well, I think we all have some collective trauma in a way around past election cycles and how divided it led to in our families. We talked about this in the newsletter that one in five report that they have family relationship struggles, because of things that have happened with the election. So, when you take that all to heart and you think about the amount of estrangement that occurs in this country, I just did a really interesting post about the amount of families that go through estrangement. It's about 25%. [0:12:08] SS:  Oh, really? [0:12:09] LC: Gen X, the silent generation, all these different generations. They too are just as concerned about their millennial, their Gen Z kiddos, family members cutting them off. They really want to have close relationships with their loved ones. They also feel passionate about their viewpoints too. So, that could be a particular source of stress of what if my kid decides to cut me out and then I don't know how to navigate that again. I'd say that's really the biggest stressor. I'm seeing that a lot of families are a little bit more avoidant, honestly, of having conversations around at this time, because it's like, we've been here before, we've seen how this goes. You know what, that may be a little bit of a safer approach preserving that family unit versus nailing a point down to make a point, but then not having a relationship with your kid in the aftermath of that. [MESSAGE] [0:13:01] SS:  This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. As our kids head back to school, it's a great time to give ourselves the opportunity to also learn something new. We can get so focused on meeting the needs of our families that we forget about what lights us up, but when we connect with our sense of wonder and curiosity, it adds more joy and meaning to our lives. One way to rediscover that curiosity is through therapy. With the help of a therapist, you can reconnect with your sense of wonder and explore what you're interested in and where you'd like to grow and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Because it's completely online, BetterHelp works with your schedule. Just fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. So, launch your own back to school journey and rediscover what you're curious about with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/live happy to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com/live happy. Now, let's get back to our show. [INTERVIEW CONTINUED] [0:14:05] SS:  How do you prepare for these inevitable conversations or prepare yourself for the things that pop up, like somebody texting me something that I didn't need to see? How do you go into this season prepared? [0:14:20] LC: I think you handled that so beautifully by the way – like that is goals right there. One, I think we need to go into these conversations like having sets and rules for ourselves of we're not going to get into politics tonight and really naming that with family as well. Before things really get heated saying, “Hey, let's not go here tonight. Let's have a good time together.” Knowing you can always redirect to if it is feeling too intense and too fraught. I will also say being mindful of our alcohol and substance use, it's an important point to make, because once people start to have different substances, we're not using our cognitive functioning to the same degree. That can lead people to get pretty unfiltered at times. Then also, really coming back to compassion and kindness with each other. If we do say something hurtful, owning that and saying like, “Hey, I'm really sorry that I hurt you in that. I hope at the end of the day, I respect you and I want to have a good relationship with you, even if we disagree.” That can be such a joining comment when people may feel hurt by some of the things that we've said. [0:15:31] SS:  Right now, we're talking like how do I keep myself from being that person? What about those situations where it's another person who feels very determined to share their thoughts and their beliefs with us? How do we alleviate some of that? As you said, you have clients who just shut down and internalize things. What's the best way to handle that? Then deal with the stress that comes in the aftermath of that experience? [0:16:00] LC: I think you have to ask yourself first going in, how curious am I to better understand this? Because sometimes we genuinely are curious. I want to know like how did you come to this belief pattern, right? If you can comment something from a place of curiosity, you're going to be able to withstand that conversation a lot better, but if you're noticing even that physical reaction of like, “Oh, I'm feeling a little hot, like my heart's racing.” Then that's a sign of like, okay, maybe we go the route of taking in, listening, but not like jumping in with our argument or we set a very clear boundary of like, “Hey, I can tell you've thought a lot about this. I'm not sure we're going to be able to get on the same page with this, so let's shift gears.” You can even almost incorporate like a little humor and playfulness, some lightness in it, because these conversations get heavy real quick, right? Also, worst case scenario, because a lot of us struggle with people pleasing and we start to get pulled into these conversations, set the boundary physically, remove yourself, right? “Oh, you know what? I'm so parched. I got to get a drink in the kitchen. I'm going to get a glass of water.” Right? It doesn't have to be this big aggressive moment, but you're shifting the energy, you're extricating yourself from the situation. It's always fine to do that. [0:17:18] SS:  Is there any practice you have that you can use daily to set your intention and set your day to say, “Okay, this is how we're going to play it.” Because it really is a day-to-day thing. We are, as you have pointed out, we are getting bombarded with information, opinions, fake news, and it's a lot. It's almost like you get out of bed and you need to put on your helmet. [0:17:40] LC: I know. It is. It is. [0:17:42] SS:  Get in there. What is the psychological helmet that we can put on? [0:17:46] LC: That's a good way to put it. My recommendation is find some way to take in some content, either the start of your day or mid-morning, like understand the lay of the land of what's happening in our country. I do think it's important to be informed about these issues. Then 15 minutes, once you have a general sense of like, “Okay, here's what's going on in the world today.” You've checked that box. You don't need to keep playing the tape over and over again. I really do think the news cycle and Liz Moody talks about this on her podcast. It's addictive for people. It's a stimulant and people can get very sucked into what's going to happen next, right? Get your entertainment elsewhere if it's not benefiting your mental health. Give yourself that permission of finding your outlet in other ways. If you're getting repeat information, it's time to change the channel. [0:18:41] SS:  Yeah. One thing I did, and this started in 2020, I stopped watching news on television, because it was just – I can't control what's coming at me. I started then consuming my news through websites, through news that way, newspaper, online. Then what I started doing was shutting off notifications. [0:19:05] LC: Yeah. [0:19:06] SS:  Because breaking news, it's like getting these little grenades thrown at you like every couple of hours. So, to cut off those notifications was really big. It makes you feel or makes me feel more calm. It's less intrusive. It feels also like I'm in control of what I consume instead of having it's not – I saw this great meme that said, “Life doesn't hand me lemons. It lobs them at me through a lemon cannon.” I was like, the like the news is, you know? [0:19:35] LC: That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, not amazing that that's how it feels, but that's a great metaphor for it. Yeah. It is like that. I saw that even with the Olympics where they would send me the spoiler that would be like, “No.” [0:19:49] SS:  I was going to watch that. [0:19:50] LC: Exactly, exactly. Yeah, go with the pace that works for you, right? I also will say though, when we do self-select our own content, it can start to get very filtered from like one lens. [0:20:04] SS:  Right. [0:20:05] LC: I am a writer die today show girl. That's where my dreams, like Beyond Today show, I love that show so much. I like that it's something that they are trying one hopes to market to every person in this country. [0:20:20] SS:  Right. [0:20:20] LC: That being said, and millennials in Gen Z are really pushing this that mainstream news is not sharing the nitty-gritty, the full details of what's going on. So, keeping that in mind that our news sources may be not doing the deep dives that they should. So, that's where I do think we need a nuanced approach of, okay, what is content that's meant to be accessed by everybody? Then looking at what are the deeper dives to. [0:20:51] SS:  Sometimes what I'll do is when there's particularly exciting headline, and I see you on one form of media, I'll go and look at what the exact opposite thinking media says about it. Because I'm like, “I just want to see what they say.” It's one, it's very interesting because it gives a lot of insight into why some people might think the way that they do and on either side of it. It is very interesting to get a look at it through two very different lenses. [0:21:22] LC: It is. When you look at it that way, I think it really becomes so clear, like we take in the narratives that we are fed, right? If you keep taking in only one path of a narrative, that's going to become like an entrenched hike that you just go up over and over again versus this other hike, which has its own path, right? But if you never walk up it, it's going to feel totally foreign and unknown to you. I think that's a real humbling thing that most of us don't want to admit. That we are a product of our environment, our families where we're raised, like you put the same person in different environments. They often will adapt to the ideologies of the environment that they're in. So, we really have to, I think, humble ourselves to know like, okay, I've got to check myself in terms of like what content I'm taking in. [0:22:14] SS:  That's a great tip. As we go through the season, as we have this anxiety that bubbles up, when does someone know that the amount of stress they're feeling over the election is normal or if they need to get some help for it? [0:22:29] LC: Yeah. Here's some hallmark signs. If it's really impacting your sleep cycle deeply, like you are losing sleep at night over this, having ruminating thoughts, can't fall asleep, pay attention to that. If you are getting obsessive about it, where it's all you can talk about, think about. People in your life are giving you feedback of like time out, like can we talk about something other than politics, or if you are having panic attacks that you're noticing, or you're having such avoidant behaviors where you're not wanting to vote, because it feels like, “Well, what's the point?” Like you're so disengaged that you are making your life smaller and smaller. Lean into that process, like how can we expand that for you, because the goal is to be an active participating citizen that can handle the discomfort of things not always working out how we want, but still keeping the hope alive that it's worth it for us to show up politically. [0:23:26] SS:  Yeah. Someone might be hesitant to say, well, I need to see someone about election anxiety, but – there's no shame in that. I mean, that's a real deal that's going on. [0:23:38] LC: I'm so glad that you bring that up, Paula. I wish people could hear the amount of clients that talk about the election in my therapy office with me, but it's a real thing that gives people anxiety. So, validating it for yourself, not shaming yourself or saying, “Well, other people have it so much worse than me.” These are real fears, real concerns you deserve to give yourself the space to process those things. [0:24:04] SS:  I love it. Lauren, as always, you give us fantastic insights. We're going to tell everyone how they can sign up for your election stress email course and share it with their friends. We'll come back when all of this is done and talk about it again. Until then, just thank you so much for what you're doing and for coming and talking to me today. [0:24:25] LC: Always a pleasure, Paula. [OUTRO] [0:24:31] SS:  That was Dr. Lauren Cook talking about election stress. If you'd like to sign up for our free email course on overcoming election stress or learn more about Lauren, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode or click on the Discover tab at the top of our site and choose newsletter. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Live Happy Now. If you are already receiving us every week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, while you're there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
Read More
Two people hugging and showing love to a cow.

Transcript – The Healing Power of Hugging Cows With Ellie Laks

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: The Healing Power of Hugging Cows With Ellie Laks [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:08.6] PF: Welcome to Happiness Unleashed, with your host, Brittany Darrenbacher, presented by Live Happy. If you’ve never thought of cows as intuitive healers, this episode just might change your mind. Ellie Laks is the founder of The Gentle Barn Foundation, a national organization that rescues and rehabilitates abused and discarded farm animals. She is the creator of Cow Hug Therapy and as she explains in her book by the same name, she has learned amazing lessons from these animals about life, death, and everything in between. She’s here today to share some of those lessons with us. So, let’s have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:47.3] BD: Ellie, welcome to the show, I’m so excited you’re here. [0:00:50.9] EL: I’m so excited to be here. This is going to be the best conversation ever. [0:00:54.6] BD: I met Ellie recently. I went out to The Gentle Bar, my husband and I took a road trip to Nashville and we got to check this space out. This is a big question, like right out of the gate. [0:01:06.7] EL: I’m ready. [0:01:07.5] BD: You talk a lot about how growing up, you did not feel connected to other humans in the way that you did with nature and animals, and I just resonate with that so deeply and I know that our listeners feel the same way. Why do you think that is, that animals and nature just so innately feel like home and like safety to people like us? [0:01:31.1] EL: I love that question and I have spent a lifetime trying to figure that out because I had very loving parents. They took really good care of us and they loved us and so, you know, I’m not sitting here thinking, it’s anyone’s, you know, main fault. I just – when I look back in my childhood, I felt completely at home in the woods and lakes by my houses. I felt completely at home with my dog and my bird and the animals that shared our home that I brought home. I just felt like they saw me, they understood me and they accepted me as I am. I didn’t feel like I had to be someone else, I didn’t have to edit my speech, I didn’t have to modify my actions. I could just simply be me and I was a hundred percent accepted and somewhere along the line, I didn’t feel that way about people, and I don't know if it was the kids at school. I just saw so much bullying and so much judgment and criticism and so much cruelty that maybe that made me feel unsafe. But somewhere along the line, I felt like I had to always be an edited version of myself around people but a completely free and pure version of myself around animals, and I have a beautiful family, a husband, I have kids, and grandkids, I have beautiful, wonderful friends and coworkers that I love dearly, but they’re just something very special still, being beside an animal that I feel like the best version of myself, and I just feel home. [0:03:03.8] BD: I wanted to ask this question first because I think this really informs the conversation that we’re about to have, and it clearly informed your life’s work. Tell the listeners about The Gentle Barn, how this began, where they can find it. [0:03:18.1] EL: So, The Gentle Barn is a 25-year-old national organization located in Los Angeles California, Nashville Tennessee in Saint Louis Missouri. We very specifically taken animals that have nowhere else to go, because they’re too old, too sick, too injured, or too scared to be adoptable. We bring them in and put them through a very extensive rehabilitation program, and once they’re healed, we partner with them to heal people with the same stories of trauma. So, eventually, if the animal chooses to, they can partner with us to really hearts and change minds to who these animals are and to really do incredible work with people that are suffering from depression, anxiety, grief, trauma. People that are really suffering and words and talk therapy is just not cutting it, they can come and then they embrace of our beautiful animals, they can really find themselves. [0:04:08.2] BD: Yeah, and these are farm animals, and so for many people, and you know, I live in Kentucky and I was raised on farms where these animals were not considered sentient beings, were not considered equals, were not even looked at in the way that our dogs or our cats were, and so I just wonder what wisdom and insight you might be able to offer to our listeners that maybe grew up in like, similar scenarios that are really interested in being around animals and learning more about what farm animals have to offer and that it’s not a hierarchy, right? It’s – animals are not in hierarchy and we shouldn’t be them as such. [0:04:52.9] EL: Yeah. If anything, I think that animals are far superior to us. Far superior, and they have so much to teach us and so many ways to heal us, and if we could just stop doing what we’re doing to them and pay attention and listen, they would change us all, and at The Gentle Barn, they are changing humans every single day. It’s hard to connect with animals that are in survival mode, right? Like on animal agriculture, like on working farms, those animals know what’s going to befall them, they know that their babies are being taken away, they’re in survival mode every single day. So, it’s harder to connect with animals like that because they don’t know who to trust or how to trust but I mean, I would say, oh my God, find a sanctuary near you because there are so many sanctuaries popping up all over the country, or plan a trip to The Gentle Barn and come see who these animals really truly are. The way they celebrate birth, the way they grieve death, the way they get married and fall in love and break up and have fights and have drama and just like we do, who they really are when there is no trauma, when there is no fear when they’re safe and loved and respected to see who they are with each other and see who they are with us, oh my God. I mean, I filled a book with it, right? [0:06:06.8] BD: My husband and I, we came out to The Gentle Barn in Nashville and we’re animal lovers. We’ve experienced a lot of healing atmospheres with animals but that trip out there was incredible and to be able to experience Cow Hug Therapy, which we’re going to get into in a minute was next level but the animal that stands out to me the most, and you’ll have to remind me what this turkey’s name is, it’s mostly like a white, a beautiful white color. And I would just put my hands out and the turkey would walk up and just push its like chest, like its breast like, into my hand, and just stare at me, and it was a really profound moment of connection with this turkey that I’ve never had in my life. [0:06:51.5] EL: Was her name Spirit? [0:06:53.0] BD: Yes, yes. Spirit. [0:06:55.0] EL: Spirit’s very special, very-very-very special, and she takes people by surprise because people don’t think of turkeys a cuddly but in all three states, we have these remarkable cuddle turkeys who are all female and they will literally, just like you said, they will look in your eyes, they will just stand in such a humble, sweet way in front of you, they’ll put their wings out, and they will welcome you to cuddle them. And if you feel comfortably, you can sit on the ground in front of them, put one leg on either side of them, scooch up real close to their right here, kiss their little fuzzy pink heads, slide your hands under their wings, and stroke them and I’m sure she fell asleep in your lap, right? [0:07:34.6] BD: Yeah, it was pretty wonderful. [0:07:36.0] EL: Yeah, turkeys are remarkable. Male turkeys like to show off and be called handsome but female turkeys, once they feel safe, oh my God, they are such wonderful cuddlers, and I like to say that we have not lived life ‘till we’ve hugged cows or cuddled turkeys. [0:07:51.6] BD: Yes, cow hugs. Let’s talk about hugging cows. Wow, what is Cow Hug Therapy? [0:07:58.8] EL: So, Cow Hug Therapy is when hurting humans, no matter what they’re going through or what they’re feeling or what they’re struggling with, they can come to the gentle barn and book an hour-long Cow Hug Therapy session, where they get the cows to themselves for an entire hour, and they can either be gravitated to one particular cow and rest in their embrace or cry in their embrace for an entire hour. They can hug them all, they can ask us questions or they can just sit in the stillness and the quiet beside these gentle giants and find themselves. Cows, I think, all animals have so much for us but cows are very, very special in that they weigh 3,000 pounds. So, you don’t really ask them or train them, or teach them to do anything. It’s who they are organically. From the time that they have forgiven and let their past go and decided to trust humans, they incorporate us in their family. And they are so nurturing and gentle and kind to each other that when they incorporate us, they just extol the same beautiful energy, the beautiful healing, the embraces that they do for each other to us, and so when we’re infants, we can rest against our caregiver’s chest and hear their heartbeat, which slows down our own, rise and fall with their breathing, and eventually, our breathing can match theirs, and we feel tiny, small and vulnerable in a huge protective embrace. When we grow up, there’s really nothing that models that, except for Cow Hug Therapy. We are full-fledged adults, but we can go and we can feel like infants against these cows and hear their heartbeat and rise and fall with their breathing, and they wrap their necks around us and hold us. We can feel the energy of their love and their nurturing, without uttering one single word, closing down our left brain and opening our right brain. It’s a connection, it’s an energy and it’s a nurturing, that feels like we’re safe, that we’re whole, that we’re loved, that we’re not alone and we leave those embraces feeling healed and hopeful, in a way that I really can’t articulate with enough words. I just – people have to try it. When you come and you embrace these beautiful cows, and they rather embrace you, it’s a special brand of healing that’s unlike any other and you leave changed, and when I’m having a bad day, I’m really lucky to live at The Gentle Barn California location. [0:10:26.2] BD: Yeah. [0:10:26.9] EL: When I’m having a bad day, I go straight to the cows and they make everything better. They clear our minds of thought, they immerse us in present time, we feel grounded and centered and loved, and it’s just remarkable. [0:10:40.3] BD: How did you begin doing Cow Hug Therapy? Like, how did you coin the term and how did you get into this practice and like, writing this book, you know, bringing this to a broader audience? What’s the story behind that? [0:10:56.0] EL: Well, I was the very first recipient of Cow Hug Therapy. Back in 1999, we got our first cow, Buddha, and she was adorable and she was a fuzzy, red, and white cow and long white eyelashes and she was absolutely adorable, and we all fell instantly in love with her but very early on, I was doing my bedtime checks, just making sure that everybody was okay before I went to bed, and I pass by Buddha and kind of looked, kiss at her. You know, pat her on the head to say goodnight, and there was something about the way that she looked at me and she was like, “No-no-no, you need to stay a while.” So, I said, “Oh, okay.” So, I sat down beside her and I leaned against her just to kind of – for that camaraderie, and she wrapped her neck around me and held me, and I burst into tears because I didn’t realize how stoic I had been that day, and how much stress I was carrying on my shoulders. But I was also so incredibly touched by that unexpected show of affection. Animals have loved me my entire lives, they’ve saved my life when I was seven. I mean, I can’t say enough good things about animals, but I’ve never had an animal reach out and hug me for me. Like, she saw how much stress I was carrying, she saw how much I had done that day, and she was literally giving me a mom hug, and it changed my life. And I came to need those hugs every single solitary day and it wasn’t long before I realized there were other people in the world that needed those hugs too, and so I opened the phone book and I started calling around to drug and alcohol rehab centers, domestic violence shelters, war veteran centers, homeless shelters, really any agency that catered to hurting humans, and said, “You’ve got to bring your residents, you’ve got to bring your clients.” And they did. And we always started off by bringing the group to Buddha and everyone hugged Buddha, and she did the same thing. She either held still to kind of invite them to ground and center or she wrapped her neck around them and held them and she brought people to tears. She cracked the most offensive, the most cold, the most hardened people because of their stories and their life experiences. When they came in tough as nails, hardened, and cold and tough, she would crack them wide open and just expose them into vulnerable humble people. She changed so many lives and in her lifetime, she gave out 300,000 hugs. So, we’ve been doing Cow Hug Therapy for hurting humans since the day she hugged me 25 years ago but when we reopened after the pandemic, we realized that it wasn’t just hurting humans at facilities that needed this healing. It was all of us individuals, we were all affected, we are all impacted, we are all lonely or scared or stressed, or whatever we were doing and so, when we reopened from the pandemic instead of just working, I mean, everyone that came to The Gentle Barn, whether it be a private tour, field trip, or open to the public Sunday, obviously hugged Buddha, and all our subsequent cows but after the pandemic with the entire world hurting as individuals, we allowed anyone on their own by themselves to come out and experience Cow Hug Therapy. [0:13:57.9] BD: What can cows uniquely teach us? [0:14:00.7] EL: So, like I said, all animals are wonderful, all animals have something to teach us, and ways to heal us but there is something very unique about cows and I happen to believe that cows are literally who we should be when we awaken to love as a nation, as a people, there’s a lot of different animals and they’re all amazing, but I wouldn’t say, “Oh, people should be more like dogs” or “People should be more like horses.” But I am going to say us, as human beings, we need to be like cows. They are matriarchal led by the oldest and wisest female who uses her intuition, her sense of collaboration, and communication to really connect with her family and lead them to safety and care for them. They are vegan, so they harm no one. They are environmentally friendly, leaving a pasture better off when they leave than when they found it. They face their challenges head-on, they don’t run, they don’t fight, they just very peacefully lower their heads, look their challenge in the eye, and try to figure out how to work their way around it. Family is their most treasured and valued ethic. They would do anything for each other, they come together as a circle when someone gives birth. They come together in a circle when someone is passing away to pay their respects. They come together in a circle when someone is grieving. That community, that circle, the way they support one another is unlike any other species that I know, and they are a hundred percent inclusive. All the other animal species, their instinct when a newcomer comes in is to reject that newcomer and even drive them off violently. Cows are the only species that we have at The Gentle Barn that I can take a new cow anywhere any day, put them in the middle of the pasture, and the cows will say, “Oh, hello.” And the matriarch will say, “I’m the boss.” And then the newcomer will say, “Okay.” And then the youngsters will come and say, “Hey, you want to play?” And the newcomer will say, “Okay.” It is a totally peaceful transition with no introduction necessary. They are a hundred percent inclusive. They’ll avail of themselves to each other, they are there for each other, they are wise, they are intuitive, they trust their instincts, they practice self-care. They meditate every single day and they connect with one another every single morning after breakfast. It’s who we’re supposed to be and if you look back hundreds of years ago, we were more like that. We were matriarchal with the shaman and the medicine women leading tribes. We lived off of plant medicine and of the earth. We supported each other, we came together as community, we had ritual for birth and death. We were much more like cows then and we need to return to that now. [0:16:38.7] BD: I’d be curious what you would suggest to someone that maybe isn’t close to a Gentle Barn location but wants to learn more, wants to get involved, wants to be a better human, and learn more about animals in general, like what would you suggest their first steps be? [0:16:54.2] EL: Oh, I have so much to say about that. I mean, first of all, find a sanctuary near you and try to find a way to connect these majestic miraculous animals who have so much to teach us. Follow The Gentle Barn on all social media platforms, including YouTube, we have videos on YouTube of certain rescues and certain rehabilitations that will change your life just by watching them. And I would recommend that we all kind of try on or consider the idea that even though our Western society has put animals into certain boxes, here’s a box of animals we love, and here’s a box of animals that we eat, and here’s a box of animals that we wear, and here’s a box of animals that it’s totally okay to kill them. We’ve got all boxes and things for but the truth is that we’re all the same, though we come in different forms. And we all are the same and there is a way to connect, where we can really see the gifts, the talents, and the blessings that each of us are without seeing the separation, and when we look through that lens of love, oh my God, we grow, we evolve, we fall in love, we learn, and we become better for it. [0:18:06.5] BD: And I love the way in the book you describe the work that the cows are doing as really paying it forward when humans come in to see them, like alchemizing their pain into being of service to tend to humans and their pain. How can we as humans be of service to animals and pay it forward to them? [0:18:25.2] EL: I love that question. I think that the biggest most impactful, most powerful way that we can be of service to them and pay it forward to them is to go vegan. When we go vegan, we save 200 animals every single year, we save 1,100 gallons of water a day, which will end the drought. We save an acre of trees every year, which will combat deforestation, and we reduce our own risk of every western disease by 90%. So, I mean, it’s so impactful and powerful when someone makes that step. That’s the biggest way we can honor every living being on this planet and the planet itself, not to mention our own bodies. Volunteering at a sanctuary to help out is always a great idea, or to shelter, and if you can’t volunteer, then donate to a place like The Gentle Barn, where you're sponsoring an animal or enabling The Gentle Barn to save more animals, that literally are out there begging for help and having nowhere else to go. I think those are the top three, just doing those top three things. You know, a lot of people come to me and say, “Oh my God, it’s so amazing what you’re doing, I wish I could have my farm animal sanctuary, I wish I could start a sanctuary.” But you know, I live in an apartment and I have kids or I work and you know, it’s not possible, and I say to them, “Look, the people that actually do have the space, the time, and the wherewithal to start a sanctuary, great.” I mean, it’s great that I do this. I’m grateful every single day but if every one of us started a sanctuary, we’d all go under. It takes the people that are rolling up their sleeves in the trenches and then it takes the people that support them, it takes the people that volunteer with them. It takes the people that fund them, it takes the people that follow them. So, we would be nothing without the people around us that donate or volunteer or work here and lift us up that way. [0:20:08.5] BD: What do you hope that your life’s work with animals can teach those in future generations to come? Like, what impact imprint do you hope that The Gentle Barn and your life’s work will have on the future? [0:20:21.0] EL: The truth is that we are covering the earth up in cement. We are building buildings and cutting down trees and we’re removing animals from our neighborhoods, and so whereas hundreds of years ago, everyone pretty much lived on a farm or in nature. Most of us now don’t. We live in cities and we are estranged from animals and from nature, and future generations that don’t have that connection to nature and animals they’re going to continue destroying it, and we’re going to end up in real trouble. We have to maintain those connections, we have to create future generations that love animals, and that want to protect nature. We’re not going to have a planet if we continue destroying it. We will only have this home to live in if we continue protecting it and we can only protect her in future generations if those future generations are connected to animals and so, that’s why I started The Gentle Barn and why we keep going because it offers a space where the biggest city person can come and can be reminded who these animals are. Can find a connection with these animals and common language, and bring back to the city, the love and reverence for animals in nature and we need future generations to be able to advocate for this planet and for all her creatures, and we’re only going to do that if these future generations have a connection to these animals, and I’m really hoping that by visiting The Gentle Barn, hugging cows, cuddling turkeys, holding chickens, giving pigs tummy rubs, patting goats and sheep. Hearing these remarkable stories of resilience and creating those connections will once and for all, allow us as humanity to realize that we really are truly all the same and so, stop being so divisive, stop being so ostracizing, and start being more inclusive, more loving, more supportive, more collaborative. Let’s protect one another, let’s defend one another, let’s be each other’s voice, and let’s lift each other up so we can all thrive and we can all live, and we can all have that sense of well-being that we all deserve. [0:22:27.3] BD: Ellie, thank you so much for coming on the show. This conversation means so much to me and I love every ounce of knowledge that you have to share. [0:22:36.3] EL: Well, thank you so much for having me, I already feel so sad that our conversation has come to an end and I hope you all have me back sometime soon so we can connect again. [0:22:45.1] BD: Please, please. [END OF INTERVIEW]   [0:22:47.7] PF: That was Brittany Darrenbacher, talking with Ellie Laks, about Cow Hug Therapy. If you’d like to learn more about The Gentle Barn, check out Ellie’s book, Cow Hug Therapy, or follow her on social media, just visit our website at LiveHappy.com and click on this podcast tab, and of course, Brittany will be back here next month to talk more about how animals bring us joy, help us heal, and can be some of our best teachers. So, until then, for everyone at Live Happy, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one.   [END]
Read More
A woman feeling overwhelmed at her computer

Transcript – Recognizing Our Invisible Work With Janelle Wells, PhD and Doreen MacAulay, PhD

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Recognizing Our Invisible Work With Janelle Wells, PhD and Doreen MacAulay, PhD [EPISODE] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 482 of Live Happy Now. If you feel like your work day never ends, you are not alone. This week's guests are here to tell us what we can do about it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and today, I'm sitting down with doctors, Janelle Wells and Doreen MacAulay, authors of Our (In)visible Work, which looks at the effect of the unpaid work we do, both on the job and at home. These essential tasks can tax our time and lead to burnout, anxiety, and exhaustion, yet they remain something that largely goes unacknowledged. Janelle and Doreen, partners in the leadership development consultancy, WellsQuest are here to talk about what their research has uncovered about the effects of invisible work and offer tips for learning to manage it better. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:52] PF: Janelle and Doreen, welcome to Live Happy Now. [0:00:55] DM: Thank you for having us. [0:00:57] PF: This is one of the best conversations we could possibly have for our audience, and it's about invisible work. So, before we even get into this conversation, which I know is going to be really meaty, let's talk first, define what is invisible work, and maybe give me a couple of examples. [0:01:14] JW: When we talk about invisible work, it is work, physical, or mental, that is done for someone else, without the acknowledgement of the time, effort, or contribution. I'll take an example right now. I mean, Doreen, please add to this. Because we're in school mode, right? I have three children going back to school. Well, guess what? Who's filling out in our family, who's filling out all the forms, doing all the paperwork that has to go online, that the teacher sends in, organizing the calendars, whether that's the school calendars, or the physical activities, all the youth sports calendars. All those things I am doing, and I say it's for someone else, right? It is for my kids. It's also for my partner. So, that's an example that is very timely. As we talk about sometimes, back to school efforts. What else do you have, Doreen? [0:02:03] DM: What we're trying to do is trying to look at it from both, kind of our personal lives, because we have a lot of it in our personal lives. We also have in the workplace as well. So, understanding kind of how those places and trying to kind of shed light, if you will, in all those places where people find themselves doing work over and above. kind of maybe what everyone else is doing that really puts this pressure and puts a bit of strain on you. So, that's really what we're trying to do when we're looking at this invisible work, is saying, "Okay, what are those things that we're doing for others, that really, it's not recognized?" In some ways, not even recognized by ourselves. That's a really important place to start. We really talk about the value of emotional intelligence and having an understanding of what emotional labor that you're going through as an individual. When we see increases in things like burnout, and things that are really stressing people, or the levels of stress that people have. It's oftentimes that we don't acknowledge what we're going through ourselves. So, if we can start with everyone acknowledging, kind of, what are those things that I don't even give myself credit, that I'm doing, that take up my time, that take up my energy, so that I can be maybe even a little bit easier on myself first? So, that's something that we're looking at the definition. We really want to kind of look at it from the personal side, from the work side, but then also from the individual, and then the way that we engage with the world. [0:03:25] JW: I'll add one more from a professional perspective. Maybe you're the one that always brings the coffee. So, we’re going to say lattes today. You're always the one. You're always the one like, "Hey, it's Paula's birthday today." "Well, it's been Paula's birthday on this same day for the last 10 years that we've worked together. Did no one else write it in their calendar? How come I'm always the one getting the birthday card or gathering the birthday money to do those celebrations?" So, just those little things, but those little things are what keeps us going. We say, it keeps the lights on, keeps things coming that are so important for morale, teamwork, collaboration. But sometimes, they go often hidden. [0:04:03] PF: It was really interesting in reading your materials, and I started doing some preparation for this talk, and found out that the term invisible work has been around since the eighties. which I had never even heard it. I just know I complain sometimes, like, "I feel like I have three jobs." I didn't know there was a term. So. can you talk a little bit about how that term came about, and then why we don't hear about it more often? Because you just open up like this whole rabbit hole for me with your materials. [0:04:31] DM: absolutely. So, yes. It is one of those things that when we're talking about this topic, it's not new. But the thing is, is that we often find that things will get researched and things will be developed kind of in a – someone's been inquisitive about an idea and a concept. Because if you look at, and especially, in the gender research, is where a lot of it originated from, is really understanding kind of all of these things that don't get paid for. But what happens is this, oftentimes, things will get researched, maybe get a little bit of attention, but then it's on to the next research paper, or it's on to the next really important topic, and then we forget about it, then we forget about the importance. What we're trying to do is to bring life back to something that has been researched, that we know is a real kind of concept. But how is it applicable now in our day and age? So, what's different between now and the eighties around what the workplace looked like, what the home life looks like? All of these things are changing. What we wanted to do is not to come up with a brand-new phrase, so that it will just be something catchy and trendy that kind of goes away. But to really look at, okay, here's something that, if we were talking about it 40 years ago, and it's still something that we truly haven't addressed. Why not? For us, what we were trying to do is, kind of bring new life into this work, to say that, "No, let's really kind of think about what are the systemic consequences of ignoring this invisible work." It's something, like I said, it has been there, but we're trying to figure out, how are we going to get this message across. We didn't want to kind of reinvent the wheel. We wanted to – because the other thing too is that, sometimes when you do that, it's one of those situations where we're not giving credit to the people who've done the work before us. So, when we try to come up with a new term or a new catch phrase, or whatever the case may be, we try to kind of almost ignore the historical, because really, 1980s were so different than now. But you know what? We can actually learn from each other, and we can see how it's changed. But let's not kind of ignore the fact that it has been an issue before. It's not just some new, trendy thing, but something that we really should give attention to. [0:06:44] PF: I'm wondering how prevalent is and how that compares to the eighties. Because, as you mentioned, our workplace is very different. The way it looks is very different. We also now have this 24/7, always on. I'm just thinking that invisible work in the eighties would have been a lot easier than – like there's just less to do, I would think, but correct me. [0:07:07] JW: Yes. Well, it's nice, and this is why, in our book, we did kind of baseline it around COVID. Because COVID was this kind of upending for everyone, across the world. That we might have seen things that we didn't see before. Whether it's like, "Oh, okay, my kids, having children, they're at home, and I've got to teach them, and I've got to work, and then feed them." All the things that we had to do that, "Oh, the teachers, when they're at school. I might not have seen everything that went into that." So, we used COVID kind of as that baseline for bringing some visibility to this. But you're absolutely right. What has changed since the eighties? We have more dual earning households today. So, what does that mean for the caretaking that happens at home? What does that mean for the life admin that's happening at home? Where if I wasn't necessarily working out in the workforce, now, I am doing those 40 plus hours, but I'm still doing everything at home. Instead of distributing that work and that life administration work. So, that has been a big thing that has changed. Just women in general, the rate that we are getting, educated, with advanced degrees in the workforce, climbing the ladder, the so-called corporate ladder, higher and higher-level jobs, and positions. So, a lot of that has changed since the eighties. What else Doreen? [0:08:19] DM: One of the things we try to do with the book as well is try to pull everyone in, because one of those things that, this is not something that can be solved by just the people who are doing the invisible work. So, I think that that's one of the other things that has changed drastically. If we look at, kind of when this came into the eighties, and then to now. It's really about, we can have these conversations and look at how can we have kind of a more equitable home life, a more equitable workplace. I think that people are really opened to these conversations. So, going back to this kind of why we – in the book, we kind of talk about COVID as the starting place. I'm going to put my own partner and I in this situation where we were going, and it would be just to even look at like, "Oh, wow. I didn't realize that you had to do all this scheduling for our daughter. I didn't realize that you had to do all this extra stuff." We had this conversation one time, my partner said, "Well, I'm doing the dishes now, and I'm doing the laundry now. What else is there?" I'm like, "Well, who puts the things away? Who makes sure that all the birthday presents are arranged for, for all her friends? Who's putting her into the events? Who's doing those applications?" So, there really was when we were kind of all put into the houses or our own environments, and maybe kind of taken in a little bit closer to the people that we work with, or that we're interacting with on a daily basis. We see, "Wow, they do a lot of stuff that when I'm not with them, that I didn't even realize that they did." Right? I think that a lot more people are now open to having these conversations, to say, "You know what? Maybe there is something that we're missing here." The other big one, and this is why, this is the organizational behavior list in me, coming out again for the workplace part of it. But I think it's really important, Paula, that we talk about this, because so many more people are in the workplace now. So, that piece of it, like you said, because we're 24/7, we really have to look at how do we integrate the two. So, we don't have work-life balance, it's work-life integration. Realistically, we have to be able to balance that. One of the main things that's also changed since, I would say, from the eighties to now, is that organizations understand the value of a really good culture. You keep your people if you have a good culture and a good working environment. But having that good culture, having those people that care, having those people that are going to mentor for you, having those people that are going to do those extra things, like the birthdays, or acknowledging that you're having maybe a rough day. They don't get put into KPIs. They don't get put into how the person is actually evaluated. So, you have, a portion of the workforce that's really, helps make this great culture, but it doesn't help them, kind of with them meeting their own goals. So, oftentimes, you see this imbalance in the workplace, where people who are really creating the environment that makes everyone so motivated, makes everyone so excited to be there. But yet, they're maybe being held back a little bit because they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing. So, we can see that as well. That's also changing in that dynamic, that I would say, would be a big difference that we would have seen from when invisible work first came out. [0:11:23] PF: One of the things in your research that you share is that invisible work is primarily a burden that falls on women and people of color. I was not surprised by this information, because I know so many women who fit this profile, especially. They'll tell you, though, that they can't not do these things. As I'm listening, like Doreen, the person who throws the birthday parties, and if you told them, "Okay, just stop doing it and you'll add more time." They're like, "No, it's so important." So, what do we do about that? We can't not care for the family. We can't not fill out the hockey forms. What is the answer there? [0:11:59] DM: The part that I'll start with is, it's communication. Because it's one of those things that – and I'll give an example at a place that I worked at. I am the person who wants to make sure everyone feels welcome, that everyone's here. So, I started what we call the Sunshine Club. So, every time that we had a meeting where everyone from the department were getting together, I would always bring in breakfast half an hour or 45 minutes beforehand, so that everyone kind of had time just to be together. Let's not talk about the agenda just yet, and let's see what's going on with people, and that type of thing. So, what ended up happening, though, ended up kind of seeing that, "Wait a second, I don't have to be the one that always does the work." So, what I ended up doing was coming up with a schedule so that the event could still happen, but that there was a group of us now, that we're actually doing it. So, I think at the heart of trying to make the invisible visible is really around the communication and understanding of what is it that we do that takes up our time. Then saying, how can we share that out. Because often times, when people are overlooking your work, it's because they don't even realize you're doing it right. Because if you were to say to someone, "You know what? I can't get to the swim forms tonight. Can you get to those for me for tomorrow?" All it takes is that ask, that little bit of communication, and to say, "Okay. Yes. Absolutely." Because if we can really evaluate, what are all these extra things that I'm doing, then kind of say, "Okay. Well, what can I share? What can someone else be doing? What can my partner be doing to help me out? What can one of my colleagues be doing to help me out?" That kind of allows for that little bit of a start, if you will, to say, "I don't have to do it all myself," but we still want it done. So, that's kind of the balance on that. [0:13:46] JW: The only thing I would even add, yes, it's communication, but also the willingness to allow others to help. Sometimes, that's on us. Like, yes. Some people might be like, "Why do I even have to ask? No one had to ask me." Sometimes it's just not in their sphere, and they don't see that. But you'd be so surprised how much – I know there's research on this. If you ask someone for a quarter, majority of people are willing to give it to you. If you ask someone for help, majority of people are willing to help you, especially because you're in a partnership with this. You're in a partnership whether you're at the workplace, you're in a partnership in your home, your partnership with your kids. But we've got to communicate and have that two way, but have the openness and the willingness to do that. [SPONSOR MESSAGE]   [0:14:26] PF: This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. We'll be right back with the show. But right now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about self-care. Self-care is so important, especially during stressful times, but even when we know that, it's often hard to make time for it. It seems like there are so many other things that take over our calendars and we end up making time for everyone but ourselves. One way to practice self-care is through therapy, and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Therapy is a great way to discover new coping skills if you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and it can also teach you how to give yourself more of what you need to become the best version of yourself. If you're thinking about starting therapy, I encourage you to check out BetterHelp. Because it's online, it's completely flexible and works with your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. You never have to skip your therapy day with BetterHelp. So, visit betterhelp.com/livehappy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/livehappy. Now, let's get back to the show. [EPISODE CONTINUES] [0:15:40] DM: Invisible work, that's the other thing we say in the books, it's never going away. It's always going to be here. So, it's not a matter of, how do I just get rid of it? No, because you said, we do invisible work because we care, we do invisible work because we love. All of these things are so important, but we don't have to do it alone. That's kind of, really, about acknowledging what it is, and then making sure that you're not doing it all alone. [0:16:06] PF: How do you go about this? Because I'm just trying to envision sitting down and saying, like, "All right. This is all the stuff I can't get to." Can you kind of walk us through that exercise of how you do this? [0:16:17] DM: If you could see my office, the other side of my office right now, I could probably show you. But for everyone who's listening there, it literally is. I do, I am a very big list person. Actually, Paula one of the things, and this is one of the things that Janelle and I help a lot of people with, is that, we start with everyone starting and understanding their priorities. Then, you make your to-do list off your priorities. So, is it your health? Is it your family? Is it your workplace? Is it your religious organization that you belong to? What are your priorities? Then, you make your to do list, making sure that you're respecting your priorities while you have that to do list. So, that's kind of the first thing that we always do with people. Then, from there, it's about, okay. Here are all the things that have to get done for us to get to these things to have them completed, and then to be able to meet our priorities or our life goals, if you will. So, when we get to this side, it is, it's literally like, I will look down my list and I'll say, "Well, you know what? He can make that call. He can make that call." Sometimes it might be actually saying orthodontist, and here's the phone number, right? You know what I mean? So, maybe taking that extra step, because I don't know how many times I've gotten the call, "Wait a second. What is her doctor's name again?" I'm like, you've only taken her 17 times, but you don't know yet?" That can be frustrating. [0:17:31] PF: I understand. It takes a while for that to catch on. [0:17:34] DM: Exactly. It could be frustrating for anyone. But when you do that, when you see that, and again, that acknowledgement of it. Then, the other thing too, I'll say this again. If you see that to-do list, and you realize, "Oh, wait a second. I just went and worked for eight to 10 hours, and then I still got all of that done. No wonder I want to go to bed at 9:30." It's okay. I don't have to stay up and pretend that I'm not exhausted, because we don't do that for ourselves either. So, whoever the individual is, you don't realize, wow. Because if you've ever had those days, even at work, where you're like, "Well, what did I do today?" Well, maybe it was the fact that after that meeting, you had to calm yourself down, because, wow, the things that were said there that people didn't even realize that – you know what I mean? And that you're trying to digest that, or it was that you were consoling someone, then that didn't look like you were doing anything. But you know what? You made a huge difference in that individual's life, or their day, or their week. So, again, if we can acknowledge it, so that list piece. Again, Paula, having it so that you have that list. That makes a difference, so that you can ask for help, but then you can also acknowledge it yourself. [0:18:44] JW: It's important to know, today's to0do list may be different tomorrow. We have to be open to recalibrating that. Also, when – we say sometimes there's triggers or there's shocks to the system. Maybe there's a new baby in the household, maybe there's new elder here, maybe there's new – new anything. You could add it too. How do we recalibrate this list and these expectations, setting the expectations, managing them as well? But I think that's a really important topic. Is like, what, today our discussion might be, it could change, and it has to be recalibrated, especially if there's a trigger to the system. [0:19:21] PF: I love the idea of writing out your priorities and then making your list. How have you seen that change the structure of the to-do list? Because as I think about that, I just write down what has to be done, and when I look at my to-do list, I'm like, "Oh, that doesn't line up with what's important to me at all." So, how do you see that changing to someone's approach to their to-do list? [0:19:42] DM: This is something that – I worked with many people on, and I'm going to give credit, because one of the gentlemen who I worked with on this originally was a man by the name of Ron Fleischer. He did this work, and so I want to acknowledge him. Because what we do is we actually have it so that you have your to-do list and your priority. So, you have your priorities first, and then you look at your to-do list. Then, we usually will do it on some type of electronic form so we can actually keep track. The idea of it is, is that, if you go, and you have one day, and you see, "Okay. Well, I did all my to-do's, were actually to do with work today. I did nothing for my health. I did nothing for my family. I did nothing for my educational goals. I did nothing for whatever those goals or those priorities are." So, what happens is, if you kind of keep them in you, do your to do list, but you have them categorized, so you know what it is. Then, if you go two weeks, and all you've done on that to do list is work-related things, then you're like, "Wow, maybe I'm not spending as much time with my family. And if I really want to be someone who's acknowledged as a family person, I'm not on a good road to do that right now." So, what you need to do is that, when you're looking at the to-do list, what are those things and what do they actually play into for you? So, then, that can help you really get back to who is this person I want to be. [0:21:00] PF: We've talked about the importance of managing our invisible work and coming to terms with it. Can we kind of talk a little bit about the side effect of having too much invisible work, not dealing with it, and just accepting it as, "This is the way my life is. I'm going to trudge through it."? [0:21:17] JW: Yes. I know Doreen had said this earlier, like we said, burnout, frustration, resentment. These are heavy, emotional loads, which will add to our invisible work too, that can stem from it. We sometimes say, like, invisible work could be like this thread? Are you going to leave it? So, if you had a thread loose on your clothes, do you leave it there? And maybe you do, and it just is what it is. Okay. I'm going to take this extra labor for this season of life, because I know my partner has something else. So, it's just going to stay there. That's all right, on my shirt. Maybe I tug at it. I'm a little frustrated by it. Or you cut it off, and you say, "You know what? No, I'm putting up this boundary." It's important for me, whether it's to protect myself, to protect my family, to protect the workplace. So, you can do some of those things, but you have to do something in it. Because otherwise, if you sit with that frustration, and you sit with that resentment, the outcomes on your emotional, your physical wellbeing, those around you in the workplace. What you're doing to that collaborative space, it could be really detrimental. Then, what we have seen, and we've seen this since COVID, we've seen burnout. We've seen an ornaments amount of burnout that has called people to leave the workplace and to do a recalibration. Again, what are their contributions at work? What do they want them to be? So, people are recalibrating their lives and their livelihoods because of this. What else would you add? [0:22:40] DM: The only thing I would say too, is that, the other kind of side effects sometimes of this is, maybe not having that same career path that you want to have, and that you see some of your other colleagues having. Because if you're the one who's going to take the extra six hours a week to make sure those things get done, that's six hours that you're not working on something that is going to get recognized in your annual review. So, if you're doing these things that are really making the workplace a better place, you're doing things that are really are important to you, but important to your colleagues, and important to everyone else's productivity and innovation. But they're not going to be what's going to be the, check the box for your own personal review. Then, you have this staggering kind of impact, if you will, on your own personal career development. That can be problematic too. One of the things that I think we really at the heart of this is that, we are seeing that there's still a gap in the workplace. Whether it's the wage gap, whether – that gap, we need to get to what are those systematic things that are happening. It's an onion, so what can we peel back to really see what's going on? We think that part of that is this invisible work, because if it falls on a certain group of people to do that work, well, the people that it doesn't fall on, they're able to put those extra six hours towards what is going to get ticked off for their annual review. So, their careers are going to go a little bit faster. So that, the burnout, the stress, that's personal, really important. But I think from an organizational point of view as well, we're seeing that we don't acknowledge that invisible work. We're causing that discrepancy. [0:24:27] PF: Much of this we're talking about from an individual standpoint, what we ourselves can do. But what about leaders? It seems like leaders should be become more aware. They need to shoulder some of this and say, "Yes, that's correct." Because it's happening in every organization. So, what does a good leader need to do in terms of recognizing invisible work and resolving it, so it doesn't just fall in one person, and so you don't think like, "Well, why is Janelle out there baking cakes, and we're all over here doing spreadsheets?"? [0:24:58] JW: Yes. I'm going to go very tactical for this answer, because, again, it starts with communication. It is asking the direct question. Maybe like we start with the job description. No one likes to dust off the job description, look at it. But what we were doing five years ago, two years ago, even a year ago is different today. So, I'd sit down in one of your coaching conversations. You know what? I have your job description in front of us. Tell me, what are you doing? On a daily basis, what do you do that might not be on here? What is some hidden work that you're doing that you feel is very critical for this team, for this organization, for you personally, that you might be doing that we're not recognizing? So, I think that's a very easy. We can go and we can have that conversation today. We could also, we've already said this, there's an audit. We could do an audit of the job descriptions. We can do an audit, "Hey, over the next month, what are some of these things?" Just so that it can highlight and it can bring visibility to this invisible work. But as a leader, you've got to be at the forefront, and you've got to create this space for this conversation to happen. You have to initiate it. Because, again, there's sometimes, it goes back to how we've been socialized, what our lived experience has been, how we've been institutionalized. We may not bring it, especially if there's a power dynamic in that room. Someone may not bring it to your attention. So as a leader, you have a right, you have a responsibility to bring this to the surface level. [0:26:19] PF: Love that. So, what changes will they see in the workplace? Because there's a huge benefit to people not feeling burned out and exhausted. So, what kind of changes if a leader comes in and says like, "Okay. We're going to look at this and we're going to acknowledge it." Just the acknowledgement can be huge. How is that going to change the work environment? [0:26:38] JW: You want my optimistic. I'm an internal optimist, right? [0:26:41] PF: I love it. That glass is half full.   [0:26:43] JW: Yes. You're absolutely right, because, as we said earlier, an invisible economy is always going to exist. But as we said, and we defined at the beginning, it's acknowledging your time, your efforts, and your contribution. Hey, maybe now, as part of your workload, we give you more time for this activity. How else can we not – even as sometimes a simple thank you goes a really long way, a really long way. We sometimes forget that. I will say, other things I can do is like, "Yes. Is there compensation that comes to it?" And say, "Hey, we actually should be paying you for this." That's important too. What I will say, the outcomes that are going to happen in organizations. Not Attrition rates will go down. People will likely stay longer. We also say, going back to that people leader, and why it's so important to have this conversation with the people leader is because, what the research has shown is that people are more likely to stay in an organization because of that people leader. Paula, I love working for you. You recognize, you acknowledge my work, and my efforts. I am more likely to stay with you. Not because of the organization we work for, but because of you and your leadership. So, having that, making me seen, feel, heard, valued, right, that can go a really long way. Morale will go up. Not just retention rates. Morale, this collaborative, the trust in the organization, so many good outcomes. I get excited as a researcher, because I'm like, "Wow, we have so much to study." Or like, "How we can close this gap and the outcomes that can come from this?" What else there, Doreen? [0:28:13] DM: I think what it is, is for the leaders, it takes some more active role. We're going to see leaders that are actually understanding what people are doing in the workplace, and that's going to have to be something that's done. Because Janelle is our internal optimist, but I'm going to take it down, because there are going to be people who are going to try to abuse it. So, I can imagine some people who are listening to this, and I'm like, "Oh, well, I'm not going to pay people to go get cakes, or I'm not going to pay people to be going to get there." But the thing is, is that, yes, that's not – you're not going to pay them to do that. But when someone does do it, you're going to acknowledge that they've done it, and it's going to be something. You have to know what your people are doing. It's one of these basic things of understanding what goes into the recipe that makes your organization successful. If you see that it is, making sure that you have a really great mentorship program, or that you have a really great wellness program, or whatever, those other things that don't kind of go to your main product line or service line. But if you truly understand all of the components that make your organization great, acknowledge it all, and then that's what we're going to see. Because that's where you be able to create this environment where people want to collaborate, they want to grow together, they want to have all of these great things happening, and then they're going to be able to say, "Okay. Well, yes, I love that." Janelle is going to be the head of our mentorship program, but Doreen maybe has to take on this extra task because of it, because we have to give Janelle five hours a week to be able to do that. So then, we're a team. We're understanding how are we all going to move forward, to all be better. [0:29:46] PF: That is such great insight. You have your book coming out August 28th, we're going to tell our listeners how they can order it, where they can get more information. You have a website with fantastic resources, so they can start learning about it right now. I want to know, what do you hope that people take away from digging into the topic of invisible work? What is the best outcome that you see as in your research as people discover this? [0:30:10] DM: For me, I think it is the idea that we don't have to do this extra alone. Because there's a lot of us struggling, there's a lot of us who are overwhelmed, and we have to be able to say no to that. And be able to say, "I don't have to be overwhelmed to be successful. I don't have to be overwhelmed to get ahead." So, if we can start to really – my hope is that people will say, "Oh, wait a second. This is why I feel maybe overwhelmed. This is why I am maybe suffering." And hopefully, people don't get to the point of burnout, because that is a very extreme example. But this is why I feel stressed, and I'm not the only one. So, that they have the resources from reading this book to be able to have really great conversations with the people that they engage with on a daily basis, to be able to balance that out so that they feel acknowledged and that people can feel more valued when they're contributing in a really important way to our society. [0:31:09] JW: Beautifully stated, Doreen. We always say, bring voice and value to the unseen. Also, it's a shared hope, that we can have a shared understanding for one another, us as individuals, identities, the roles that we have, and the work that we do. That we do for and with one another. [0:31:24] PF: That is fantastic. Janelle, Doreen, I appreciate you spending time with us today. There's a lot that we can learn. I've just in the surface that I've been able to scratch so far. This is an incredible contribution to how we're approaching work, how we're approaching home. I thank you for the work that you're doing, and look forward to digging in deeper. [0:31:45] JW: Thank you, Paula. Again, we truly appreciate the platform right to bringing visibility to this, so that we can all be a part of making this seen. [OUTRO] [0:31:55] PF: You've been listening to Janelle Wells and Doreen MacAulay, talking with me about the invisible work that we do. If you'd like to learn more about their research, check out their book, Our (In)visible Work. Follow them on social media or download a free gift from them. Just visit us at live happy.com and click on this podcast episode. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Live Happy newsletter. Every week, we'll drop a little bit of joy in your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
Read More
Two people playing music around a campfire.

Transcript – Make Your Summer Fun Last All Fall

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Make Your Summer Fun Last All Fall [EPISODE] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 481 of Live Happy Now. As students and their teachers head back to school, summer is ending, but that doesn't mean our summer of fun has to. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and two months ago, we launched Live Happy's eight-week summer of fun email course with organizational psychologist, Mike Rucker. Many of our listeners signed up to get a weekly reminder of how to add more fun to their summer. This week, Mike is back to talk about how we can take what we've learned about having fun and make it last all through the fall and winter. Let's have a listen. Mike, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [0:00:41] MR: Thanks for having me back. It's always a pleasure. [0:00:43] PF: Hey. So, we are wrapping up a summer of fun, but that doesn't mean we have to quit having fun, I guess. [0:00:49] MR: Absolutely [0:00:51] PF: So, I have really enjoyed this whole campaign that we did. I think one thing that happens with summer, we can get caught in one of two traps, and this is like, this is my fun time, or we're still so busy that we feel cheated out of summer fun. We have it in our heads from the time we are kids, because that's, hey, we're out of school, that's when we're supposed to have fun. Then. we become adults, and it's like, "Well, wait a minute. I'm not having much fun. I'm working every day. I'm doing all these things." That's what I loved about the summer, a fun series. It was a reminder of, you can build fun into your life in simple, small ways, and it is incrementally adding up and contributing to building joy into your life. [0:01:36] MR: Yes. One of the other things that I found fascinating just recently – well, not recently. I think recently, I had this awakening, but it was because there's been a plethora over the last four to six weeks, and maybe some of it came in through this program. But just how time poor working moms are. So, that particular persona in general are doing so much to organize the fun of their kids going into this summer. That when it comes time to think about themselves, like that amount of energy is already expended on others, even though they still wanted to enjoy their time too, because there is that opportunity yet. Instead of planning somewhat for themselves, they've given it all away for others to make sure the kind of proverbial leaders eat last. But oftentimes, when you don't have anything left, or you're like, "Okay, everyone, I just want to rest now." What a shame, because you still have those opportunities, especially if the folks that you generally care for are at away camps or whatnot. So, having that foresight, something as simple as the fun file that we talked about early in the series, so that you have premeditated, like, "Wait a second, there are a few things I want to do or there are a few friends I want to catch up with." Instead of what happens all too often. We always say it's not going to right, but comedians abound talk about this. Three months will pass and be like, "Oh. Well, that didn't happen, maybe next summer." I mean, it's just a shame, when all it would have taken is just a few minutes to get that momentum going. I think that's what we really tried to do here, just those primes can be all it takes. [0:03:18] PF: Yes. You bring up such a good point, because especially working moms. It's funny because we have an episode coming up next week about our invisible jobs, and it really deals with that how we're working full time. But then, we also have these invisible jobs at home, and we're exhausted by the end of the week. So, even when you do have that opportunity for fun, you might turn it down just because you feel so depleted. I think what your email series really does is when you commit to it, then, especially mothers are good at not breaking commitments. It's easier to break a commitment with yourself, but if you have made that commitment with a friend, we're going to do this, then you're going to go out. It's amazing how much it does fill you up when you go out and eat. As tired as you are or as much as you're saying, "I've got all these other things to do", it really does fill you up to go out and do those things and discover your fun habit. [0:04:10] MR: Yes. We made it clear when we first connected that the idea isn't to over prescribe your schedule. So, this isn't meant to add on. It's just so many folks do find themselves depleted, so they choose poor forms of leisure, because they essentially just want to displace that discomfort. It just wasn't that great. So, let me do something that doesn't really fill me up, but at least just pacifies the time. What we know is, even though it takes a little bit of effort, similar to kind of beginning exercise. When you do find a few things that are enjoyable within the balance of the cadence of your life, you actually have more energy later. That generally happens quickly. So, I find folks that kind of – especially if they're picking up an old hobby that they were good. That first week sometimes can actually not be that fun, because they're like, "Oh my gosh. I used to be so good at the guitar." But if you get past that first week. I mean, I can't even think of an exception that makes the rule where folks were happy. This isn't just conjecture, anecdotal from the folks I've worked with, researchers in this area. I often cite Cassidy Holmes, have looked at folks that do this, and then the hedonic flexibility principle supports this as well. Almost always, you go back and check in. You're glad you did it. You feel invigorated. There's still be an end. The classic example that 40-year-olds like to leave the party at 10, that's fine. I mean, we should all get her sleep too. But so many of us aren't doing it because we're afraid. Like, "Oh, I don't want to stay out till two in the morning." When you flex your agency, and autonomy, and actually enjoy your life, but in the confounds of the way that you want to organize, then you start to feel good about your days, and that has this ripple effect. So, it's not just for you. So, if you're like, "Okay. Well, that's fine, but I feel this sense of guilt because I still want to serve others, serve my family." Whether you're a volunteer, or in a domestic partnership, the best way to show up is if you're actually enjoying what you're doing. There's this concept called social contagion, where it's not just about you, it's about being happy when you're in the presence of others too, because that's contagious. [0:06:24] PF: Yes. I think some of the actions that you gave us to do really helped us, like you talked about volunteer, do these things to get out, and make those social connections. That's really, really important. As you said, the ripple effect that we have when we start implementing these actions into our lives and then make them a habit, it really does change things for us and for everyone around us. [0:06:47] MR: Yes. We can set a low bar for volunteering. It's always these thing, like, "Is it going to tell me to stop watching television?" or "Do I have to go pick up trash on the highway?" Volunteering can just be going to – you're paying the price of a gala, where the whole thing is set up to be entertainment, but you feel like you're also contributing. So, when you have that connection to something outside of yourself, so the hedonic sort of pleasure of it is also rooted in knowing you're doing something good, then you get double benefit. Instead of something where it's like, you're just doing it for the sake of doing it. Oftentimes, that can be helpful. But some folks, it really does create what we call a moral injury. Because you're like, "Oh, well, that was sort of a waste." Again, I could argue that it's not, but if that does kind of create moral damage, then go do something that's really enjoyable, that also makes you feel good about the purpose of the particular event. I just like to put that there, because people hear volunteering, and they think that it's going to be a work. and it doesn't have to be. You can lower the bar there. [0:07:52] PF: That's right. That's a great point to make. As I was receiving these emails, as I was looking at them, I wondered if you had one particular fun habit that is your favorite, I guess, your go-to. What is that? [0:08:03] MR: For me, I've been really playing with this idea of healthy hedonism. So, I was really turned off by – again, I'm not on social media that much, but my – kids are kids, so they are. So, I got introduced to this idea of hard 75. Are you familiar with this? It's a trend on social media. where people were doing these very hardcore regimens to better themselves? So, it was like, all the things that you hear from folks like Huberman, but stacked in a crazy way. I wake up, I drink water, then I make sure I meditate for 30 minutes. Just things that essentially are almost impossible if you work at all. Okay, this is bananas. So, I'm working on this concept, it's sort of that anti-thesis to that, where, how can you add enjoyable aspects to the things that you want to get done? So, that's really been my fun habit for the summer is, again, in line with activity bundling, which I talk about in the book. How can I make elements of things I probably should be doing a lot more enjoyable so that I do do them? So, that's really been my "fun habit," and it's been really paying off. Because the thing is, when you get into that mode, again, the geeky term is valence. But when we enjoy something, we're also drawn to it within reason. So, it's kind of putting accelerant on an upward spiral that I talk about. So, I've been really having a lot of fun, working out with people that I enjoy, planning hiking dates with one of my friends here to make sure that I get out in nature. But quite frankly, I almost forget it, because I really enjoy the conversation with this particular gentleman. So, those types of things really just – taking my own advice, but then doing it through the lens of betterment as well. [0:09:53] PF: I like that. [SPONSOR MESSAGE]   [0:09:54] PF: This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. We'll be right back with the show. But right now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about self-care. Self-care is so important, especially during stressful times, but even when we know that, it's often hard to make time for it. It seems like there are so many other things that take over our calendars and we end up making time for everyone but ourselves. One way to practice self-care is through therapy, and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Therapy is a great way to discover new coping skills if you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and it can also teach you how to give yourself more of what you need to become the best version of yourself. If you're thinking about starting therapy, I encourage you to check out BetterHelp. Because it's online, it's completely flexible and works with your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. You never have to skip your therapy day with BetterHelp. So, visit betterhelp.com/livehappy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/livehappy. Now, let's get back to the show. [EPISODE CONTINUES]   [0:11:08] PF: What if it's things that you don't enjoy that have to be done, like things around the house, things in your yard. I mean, summer times, it's prime time for us to do all these home improvements, get these projects done. Again, that eats into our leisure time, our fun time. So, how do you do tasks like that and make them more enjoyable? [0:11:29] MR: Yes. Anyone that's heard me talk is probably sick of this, because I talk about it ad nauseum. But anyone familiar with James Clears' work knows this well too. There's this concept of temptation bundling, and so, all I do is throw on 90s hip-hop, because I can't listen to it with my kids, because that would be a whole sidebar where I'm baffled about what gets through the parental filters of – now that everything is a story or – yes, I'm not going to listen to N.W.A with a nine and a 13-year-old in the house. So, I actually look forward to going out and doing stuff, which I didn't before, because it's my time to be able to get to enjoy that music. Since I pair that, it's really fun memories folks back at home. Not only am I enjoying the music, but oftentimes, it brings back these really fun memories I had with friends in my hometown. [0:12:21] PF: That's an excellent way to do it. I love that. [0:12:23] MR: It's funny because you say it out loud and people are like, "Really? Fun is just adding enjoyable elements to my environment." That's exactly what it is. [0:12:33] PF: It's not a task, it's not something we have to go out, and perform.   [0:12:37] MR: Yes. Exactly.   [0:12:38] PF: It's just something we add in. [0:12:39] MR: And you could push it off. We also know that there's limits, so I think we talked about it last time. But in case we didn't, there is a threshold where this becomes dangerous, right? So, let's say you're writing a book. The deep work that you need to do should be without error, or you want it to be a really good end product. That, you don't want to couple with a comedy show running in the background, right? That's not a good idea. Yes, it might be more enjoyable, but the thing you're actually trying to accomplish is going to suffer. Mowing the lawn by listening to 90s hip-hop, or what we call Dad rock now in big sound [inaudible 0:13:18]. That's not going to harm mowing the lawn. So, I mean, you need to be careful, it's within reason. But we know there's a great study for, again, geeks like me that want to know the science. Katy Milkman did some work where folks who really like podcasts, she asked them to not listen to them until they went into the gym. What she found is, not only did the folks go into the gym more, but of course, they also enjoyed what they did. Because when you really are immense in something that's enjoyable, you can often forget the thing that you're actually supposed to do. So, it's a really useful tool, again, as long as you do it within reason. [0:13:56] PF: I love that. I was doing the email series as it came through, and I got so much out of it. One thing was that I realized things that I already had in place in my life, I wasn't necessarily even putting in the fun column. I wasn't even attributing it to that. So, I think that's one thing it did for me, was gave me that intentionality and that visibility of like, "Oh, this is something I'm doing that is really good for me. One thing because we live out on a lake, and it's a really busy time during the summer, and everything is outdoors during that summer. Then, you had some great ideas of exploring local culture. There were several things that you gave, like now, I've already started this fall fun file, things like, this would be great to do you know when the weather changes, when we're not outside all the time. [0:14:45] MR: Yes. I think that's great method for extending the value if you did go through the course. Or even if you didn't, I mean, a fun file is a pretty pedestrian entry way into this work. Again, even though it sounds easy, so many of us don't do it. But if you just spend a few minutes thinking about what are some of the things that I'd like to enjoy, and I found that for me, it didn't work, so I maybe left it out. But I'm finding that I'm the exception, not the rule. Have that list right on your desk, or by your bed stand. Because then, it serves as a moniker, like, "Oh, yeah, I haven't looked at this for a week and I haven't scheduled anything." Again, the list should be short. We talk about it in the course, no more than 15 things and things that you can do. And if you haven't crossed one off yet after two weeks, it's going to nag at you. Like, wait a second. Two weeks have gone by and I haven't done one thing fun. That's a problem. Let's figure out how to sort that out. So, it really is reclaiming that agency and autonomy we all have. But oftentimes, we just forget about it because we get into our routines and we let time pass by. One of the crux that we didn't talk about, just because it was really a summary course is, the underlying principle here really is attention. In the book, I cite work by Matthew Killingsworth. We know people that kind of get stuck in this mode of mind wandering all the time, even if they are doing things you know that, to your point, might have been enjoyable if they had kind of been mindfully doing them. They're not really enjoying life. They're just kind of on autopilot. So, some of this is bringing attention to, wait a second, I can do the things that I want. Maybe not all the time, but I certainly can integrate some of that into my life. So, many of us just don't do that, especially the ones kind of stuck in the sandwich generation, as it were. [0:16:36] PF: Another thing that this did for me, you talk about social connections and maybe doing a game night, things like that. So, we have a couple in Nashville that we get together with about once a month. It's very loose, like, "Hey, what you guys doing?" So, we had gotten together, and we did this, one of those murder mystery games.   [0:16:52] MR: Nice.   [0:16:52] PF: I had such a great time. Then, I had just seen your email on talking about that, plan a game night. So, what we've done is we went through and we committed to, like every month, getting that, we're switching off who gets the game, and doing that once a month. So now, it's not just like, "Hey, what are you guys doing? When should we get together?" It's on the calendar, we know we're going to see them, and then becomes a priority. It's also the anticipatory saver, and you're looking forward to seeing them. You're looking forward to this month's game, things like that. It really was – it reframed how we were approaching our time together with them. [0:17:27] MR: That's so cool. I think one of the benefits of that too is, if you talk to an introvert and you say, "Let's go to dinner theater." They're like, "Ah." Because it's a bunch of people they don't know. But I haven't hosted one personally yet, but I have been fortunate enough to go to a few over the last year. When it's eight people that that introvert knows, oh my gosh, because – like they don't have the opportunity to flex that because they don't want to be around people they don't know. But if it's people they trust, they're some of the most theatrical, they turn into characters around like, "Wait. What's happening right now?"   [0:18:06] PF: Who are you?   [0:18:07] MR: I like when it's in an intimate setting, because it really is more inclusive than – paying six of your friends and saying, "Hey, let's go do this in a public sort of setting," which might not be as fun for everyone. [0:18:20] PF: Yes, that's a great thing to keep in mind. We have talked about – this isn't just a summer thing, this, you can use anytime. What I love is, it kind of – you've given us this toolkit of sorts to explore fun, to bring fun into our lives. So, what should someone do if they feel themselves slipping into fall and winter. The days get shorter and darker, and they feel themselves losing that sense of fun. What kind of things can they do as kind of a quick restart? [0:18:49] MR: Yes. I think you just want to start from the beginning. If you have a list that you've already done, figure out how you can get it on your schedule. The two main tools that are kind of at the starting line are behavioral concepts, premeditation, and pre commitment. So, if your list is kind of dwindled, or you look at it and, "You know what? This wasn't right, maybe I should kind of restructure it, start there, get the list, and then just make sure something gets on the calendar. There's always someone that's like, "Well, what happens if I can't do either one of those two?" Reach out to a fun friend. I mean, that is sort of rip cord, and they will always pull you out. If you at least have the strength to go, "I want to add a little bit more fun, you're always doing something fun. Is there anything that I could tag along with?" Again, I've never heard someone say, "No, I don't want you to have fun." [0:19:43] PF: No, this is my fun. You'll find it around. [0:19:44] MR: Yes. Those type of people, generally are the more the merrier type folks. They are like, "God, yes. Thank you. I should have invited you" is generally what you'll heat. That meant, it's the one, two, three. If you haven't done the fun file, think about what it is you want to do. Maybe let it percolate a little bit, because oftentimes, at first blush, you'll go back and go, "Ah" But if you can't come up with a list at all, that's kind of a separate issue. Then, just make sure you schedule a couple things. It's that simple. In all of my research, especially preparing for the book, the main difference between folks that are living a joyful life versus those that don't, and this is after 20. This isn't in collegiate. But anyone who's kind of left college that doesn't have as much autonomy over their time are the ones that deliberately schedule it, as unfun as that sounds. But it's such a small step, because once you get it on the calendar, it happens. [0:20:45] PF: How important is it for us to start thinking about that? Now, I'm thinking I've got a couple of friends who really suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Once we hit like end of October, there's a real skid into not wanting to do anything, not feeling like life is fun, it's a really challenging time for them. So, how important is it for us to plan ahead on that, knowing if we have that issue, knowing that that's going to be a problem? [0:21:12] MR: Yeah, I want to be really careful again. As you know, my background is organizational psychology, and that is a real disorder. I mean, I have a light right in front of me, so I know what clinically can be helpful. So, I don't want to suggest that precommitment is going to necessarily mitigate that, because it is a clinical condition. With the preface of that, I do think it's helpful that if you have things to do, it generally indexes fun memories that can be used as resilience. I certainly benefited from that when I was in a malaise for a different reason, for losing my brother. So, you can be in a place where you don't necessarily identify as happy or joyful because of a biological predisposition or a big life change, like a divorce, or the loss of a loved one. And you can still organize your life in a way where you're finding activities that bring you joy, that create those positive valence states. What we know is that those indexes and memories, one, again, create this kind of tapestry that will help most people with resilience. But two, it reminds you, you have agency and the autonomy, and to bring joy into your life, even during times where you find it more difficult. [0:22:34] PF: That's fantastic. So, I know we have to let you go, but I just had one last question, and that is, what do you hope that everyone gets out of this, out of doing this summer of fun series? [0:22:43] MR: Yes. I hope it kind of slingshot themselves into fall, the ability to create a lot more joy in their life. I think so many of us just need that break in our routine and that reminder that like, "Wait a second, I do have more control." So, I colorfully call it a bias towards fun. Just remember, life is kind of like going down a river, and there's no way that we can completely control where the river is going to take us. Sometimes it's going to pull us to the shitty side, but we have a lot more aptitude to be able to kind of steer it so that we have this pull to the better side, by making choices. And again, applying that attention to things that we do. At the end of the day, it's really just mindfulness repackaged, but in a way that where we're using hedonic tone, the ability to bring joy into our life in a way that makes things more enjoyable. Then, also, hopefully, leads to betterment in this upward spiral, because we realize, like, wait a second, this is abundant, and I can always call it in. Even on the days where I get punched in my face. [0:23:51] PF: Exactly. It's like that Owl City song says, you can't stop the waves, so learn how to surf.   [0:23:56] MR: Yes. I love that. [0:23:57] PF: Well, Mike, thank you so much. Thank you for doing this series, for coming on this journey with us and for sharing what you know.   [0:24:02] MR: Likewise, I'm really grateful.   [0:24:04] PF: I've really enjoyed this.   [0:24:05] MR: Yeah, it's been a blast. [OUTRO]   [0:24:11] PF: That was Mike Rucker, talking about how we can make our summer of fun last long after summer has ended. Remember, even though summer is just about out of here, you can still sign up for the summer of fun email series to get a weekly reminder of how to bring more fun into your life. If you'd like to learn more, be sure to visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Live Happy Now. If you aren't already receiving us every week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. While you're there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
Read More
A man and woman having a conversation with one another.

Transcript – Standing Together in Divided Times With Rob Volpe

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Standing Together in Divided Times With Rob Volpe [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 480 of Live Happy Now. As we head toward the end of summer, many of us are talking about this contentious election environment. But this week's guest is teaching us how to change the conversation using empathy. I'm your host, Paula Felps. This week, I'm joined by Rob Volpe, an empathy activist, consultant, and author of Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time. Rob's here to talk about how we can avoid some of the hazards that come with discussing differing opinions, particularly when it comes to politics, and how that can change the way we interact with one another for the long run. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:45] PF: Rob, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [00:00:48] RV: Paula, thank you. It's so great to be here. What an exciting time. [00:00:53] PF: I know and I always love talking with you because you have such wonderful insight. [00:00:57] RV: Oh, thank you. I love talking to you, too. [00:01:01] PF: It’s a love vest. As you know and as our listeners have probably figured out just from our little intro that I just did, there's been a lot of turmoil the last few weeks around politics. That’s why you and I need to talk. I wanted to start by you framing the situation and talking about how all this turmoil is affecting people and the conversations that they're having. [00:01:24] RV: Chaos probably defines the last four years, maybe eight years even, but in particular since the pandemic and all the things. Now, we're just in this constant churn of like what unexpected news event is going to happen next, whether you're thinking of politics or you're looking at geopolitical, Hamas attack in Israel, war in Gaza now and Ukraine, and all the things. It's really got people overloaded. There's too much that's going on. Nerves are frayed. I think there's pain and trauma from the pandemic, from the lockdown, from the murder of George Floyd, from January 6th, that election four years ago that we haven't fully processed either as a society or as individuals. All of these things just keep adding up, and it just becomes like, “Okay, what fresh hell is this?” When you're waking up and if you think about in the last couple months the number of never before seen events in presidential politics from a conviction of a former president to clearly something happening with a sitting president with cognitive ability and full presence at one of the most critical junctures, to assassination attempts, to Supreme Court rulings, to suddenly now, oh, one with the cognitive abilities got a moment of clarity and said, “Okay, I'm out. I'm not going to run this race.” Then you've got somebody new coming in, and there's only so much people can handle. You start to get this sense of overload and confusion, and it causes more stress. All of that stress actually then impacts how we talk to each other and how we interact. One of the things I keep hearing from people in a longitudinal study we do is how mean everybody's gotten. [00:03:22] PF: That's something I really wanted to talk about because I've not ever remembered a time when there was so much just animosity toward people that you know. Why are we treating each other like this, and how is it worth sacrificing these relationships? [00:03:40] RV: Yes. There's something about that anonymity or that distance that you get on social media. People just feel like they can say whatever without any sort of repercussion or responsibility to the other person. I think it's too easy to fire off quick thoughts, and then feelings end up getting hurt. But in short sentences, feeling tone never comes across very well. A lot of these issues are really huge, and you need to take the time to actually talk to somebody and listen and have a dialogue. Not just post things up on a wall basically. That's like the wall behind you. If people just wrote thoughts and put them up on Post-it notes and stuck them on the wall, that's what social media is in a digital format. [00:04:32] PF: How is it kind of reinforcing this mentality of, “I'm right. You're wrong. You need to listen to me.”? [00:04:39] RV: We've been living in a society for the last, God, how many years of decades really where it's winner takes all and zero sum game. People have been taught through reality television and all the other things around us, even in politics, that it's, “I'm right. You're wrong.” That’s not how the world works. You're never going to get there, reach compromise, figure out how to collaborate if you just dig your heels in and stay on one side versus the other. It's really detrimental to having productive conversations with people. [00:05:21] PF: You wrote a blog post called Divided, We Stand, and that is part of what sparked me wanting to have this conversation with you. We're going to share it on the Live Happy website. We're also going to put it in our newsletter because you brought up such wonderful points. One thing that you shared was that there was a survey that shows 62% of adults in the US consider our inability to overcome our differences opinion as one of their biggest concerns. If we are so concerned about it, why are we still taking these approaches? Why aren't we working to bridge that gap, but we're just seeming to dig a divide that's deeper? [00:05:59] RV: Well, because they haven't listened to this podcast or read that blog post yet, Paula. [00:06:03] PF: Here we go. Well, we're going to change that, aren't we? [00:06:06] RV: Honestly, it's because we don't know what to do, and that's part of what with Divided, We Stand and some of the other posts I've been doing, I'm really trying to help people understand and give them the tools so that they can have more productive conversations with other people and realize that, hey, at the root of it all, we want to be happy. We want to have the freedom to live our lives. We don't want a lot of interference one way or the other. We want to just exist. How do we work together to make that happen? It takes communication. We've got to turn that paradigm around where it isn't winner takes all. It's united we all win, and how do we actually do that? [00:06:52] PF: Oftentimes, we can start a conversation with every intention of, okay, I'm going to listen, and I'm going to be calm. I'm going to be cool and collected. Then I'm going to logically present why I feel the way I do. Shocker, that's not how the conversation goes. [00:07:09] RV: Yes. It's really hard. Every conversation that you go into with somebody, you're carrying all the triggers from your past experiences with them. A lot of these situations are coming up with a friend from high school that you've known for 20, 30 years, a family member. There's a lot of emotional baggage, if you would, that goes along with that, and so it can be very easy to get triggered by that. Then, yes, that's when the conversation goes off the rails. What I wrote about in Divided, We Stand is the idea to keep in mind where – remember the human element. Remember that this is a person that you in theory care about on some level, and treat them with that sort of respect. Remember as well that all these issues that we're talking about out today in politics are highly personal. Someone is really affected by this, whether it's immigration-related issues, whether it's about access to puberty-blocking medications for trans-identifying kids, whether it's access to reproductive health and abortion rights. This really affects people's lives and very deeply. Some people it doesn't and they may be having more of a theoretical argument about it. A man arguing with a woman about abortion access, who's most affected by that? The woman. So you have to keep that in mind. These are really personal issues. Of course, when they're that personal, they're going to get really heated very easily. How do you keep things at a more intellectual but no less passionate level, if that makes sense? [00:08:57] PF: It does and I know you use empathy. You are now, Rob, going to give us the million-dollar answer of how we do that. How do we keep it from getting heated and raw and vicious? [00:09:11] RV: Well, Paula, are you ready to take a curious breath? [00:09:14] PF: I love your curious breath. Tell us about the curious breath. This is the thing. When I do trainings around empathy, hands down – I have the five steps to empathy is kind of the framework. But before you even take a step, you've got actually take a curious breath to get yourself into that mind space. I include that in all of my trainings, and that's the thing people come away with like, “What was the most useful thing?” They're like, “Oh, it's the curious breath. I'm going to just do that over and over again.” Then I hear back like, “Oh, yes. I was taking a curious breath, and it helped me see that sales negotiation differently. It helped me interact with my child differently. It's useful everywhere.” The idea behind the curious breath is that, cognitively, there is a space. There's a gap between stimulus. Somebody's saying something to you, and then your reaction to it. Neurologically, those two things do not actually touch. There's a little tiny gap that's very, very small, but it's there. The goal is to try to get into that space and widen it so that you can actually decide how to respond rather than react to someone. Clap back to somebody that said something to you. That's a reaction where if you take a curious breath, it gives you the space to actually respond. The beautiful thing is the breath is actually a big inhale and exhale. If you can imagine, as you take that big inhale, you're going to feel your lungs press against your rib cage. When you're taking one of those big deep breaths and you're feeling everything kind of push out, imagine that that's what's also happening in your head. When you do that big inhale and then that exhale, it actually makes space. Just like it's made space in your lungs, it's making space in your head. Shall we try one together? [00:11:10] PF: Let's do this. [00:11:11] RV: Okay, okay. We're going to take a nice – and everybody please, everyone listening, please join us. You're just going to take a nice big inhale on three. One, two, three. Maybe hold it there at the top for a second. Feel the ribs pressing and then exhale. Let's do one more just to make sure we got it. I want to pull people's attention to what's happening with your lungs and your rib cage and just make sure the breath is deep enough that you're feeling that expansion happening. Here we go. One, two, three. Inhaling, hold it for one, and exhale. This does have the ability to calm our nervous system as well a bit. That's why in yoga and other practices, breathing is so important. That calming actually helps also, I think, create space in the mind. That's the benefit of a curious breath. If you're in a conversation and somebody says something and it's just got you, “Oh, my God. I want to rip their –” Pause because you're reacting in that scenario. Pause. Just take a breath, and that's going to give you the space to decide how you're going to respond. You can even then use some filler words to give yourself even more time. Say, “That's an interesting point you brought up. Huh, let me think about this.” You’re breathing all the way through all of that moments. It’s, again, giving you a chance to figure out how to respond instead of just merely reacting. [00:12:50] PF: Now, do you have any tips for practicing that beforehand? Because just like you're not going to go play a game, you're not going to go play pickleball without practicing first. [00:13:02] RV: Absolutely. [00:13:02] PF: This kind of the same thing. It’s very unlikely that if you're putting that in your back pocket and waiting until that conversation takes place that you're going to be like, “Oh, wait. I'm supposed to take a curious breath, and then I'm going to do all these things.” How do you start incorporating that into activities that aren't potentially heated? [00:13:20] RV: Paula, that's a great question that you're asking. [00:13:23] PF: Why thank you, Rob. [00:13:24] RV: You're welcome. I just filled a little couple of seconds of time. I knew what I was going to say, but I'm filling that time as an example for people to like, “Hey, that gives me a sec to gather my thoughts and figure out what I'm going to say.” I think it's really important to that idea of practicing. If you're going into a conversation and it could be a family gathering or something and you know that person, Uncle Bill or whoever, no offense to the Bills in the world. But let's say Uncle Bill is coming, and he has a very different point of view. Ask yourself ahead of time like, “What if –” Well, first, if the conversation even comes up because you don't know that it will. But you can think, okay, if the conversation comes up, what am I hoping to get out of this? Is it even realistic that you're going to change their minds? Or is it really that you want acknowledgement that they see you as a person and they understand where you're coming from and, hopefully, that you're understanding where they're coming from. Identifying what that out is that you're looking for is really helpful. That helps you prepare. Then you can think about, okay, he's going to say – Uncle Bill's going to say this. Then how do you respond to that in a way that is going to help him see your perspective? An easy thing to do is to work into that conversation as you're responding. Uncle Bill said the thing. You're like, “Whoa.” You take in a curious breath. [00:15:04] PF: Or 16. [00:15:05] RV: Or 16 while you're saying, “Huh, thanks for sharing that, Uncle Bill. You know, I have to tell you that.” I just filled so that I can figure out what I'm going to say. Then you can say it like, “I have to say that I hope you can see where I'm coming from. By using that phrase I hope you can see where I'm coming from or I hope you can see how I'm feeling about this or my point of view. It's actually asking them to have empathy with you. You're setting it up to take this into a different place. You're not pundits on Fox or MSNBC or CNN debating or really yelling at each other. You're not doing that. You're actually asking to have more of a conversation and see me as the person that I am and how this is affecting me. [BREAK] [00:15:54] PF: This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. We’ll be right back to talk more with Rob Volpe. But right now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about self-care. Self-care is so important, especially during stressful times. But even when we know that, it's often hard to make time for it. It seems like there are so many other things that take over our calendars, and we end up making time for everyone but ourselves. One way to practice self-care is through therapy, and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Therapy is a great way to discover new coping skills if you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed. It can also teach you how to give yourself more of what you need to become the best version of yourself. If you're thinking of starting therapy, I encourage you to check out BetterHelp. Because it's online, it's completely flexible and works with your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. You never have to skip your therapy day with BetterHelp, so visit betterhelp.com/livehappy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, .com/livehappy. Now, let's get back to the show. [INTERVIEW RESUMED] [00:17:09] PF: How important is it for us to determine now to make up our mind, “These are people that I'm not going to have that conversation with because I know we disagree, and I don't want the turmoil.”? We have two situations on each side of my family. One is two family members to decided like we are just not going to agree on politics, so we won't talk about it. Then I have two family members who decided they would try to hash it out, and now they're not speaking to each other. It's been about three years. How do we make that decision of, yes, I have an opinion, and it's very important to me? It's not just an opinion. It's a belief, and it's very important to me, but it's not worth losing this relationship over. [00:17:57] RV: That's an individual decision for every person listening and then every person that they are thinking about. They may prioritize those relationships differently, depending on all the different situation, how close they are, if it's blood versus friend, and how tight the connection is, how old are they. If we're in hospice, it doesn't really matter. I don't need to have this discussion. Let’s focus on the ultimately much more important things which is appreciating your life in general. Anyway, you have to have that individual decision. I can't just tell people, “Oh, do it this way.” But you have to think about it. If you're like, “You know what? This relationship is valuable to me, but I don't want to get into it with them,” I think that's a fair conversation to have. Let them know how you feel and that, “We're on different sides of the political spectrum, but I love you dearly. You're very important to me. I don't want to get into a situation where this is going to tear our relationship apart because you're more important to me than these political issues,” or whatever the debate is. How do we move forward? Is there a code word we can come up with when we're veering into the that — [00:19:20] PF: We need a safe word. [00:19:22] RV: We need a safe word. We need a safety deposit box that we can just put all that crap into and come back to it. You can have that conversation so that both people know where the other person stands without getting into all the things. You can also have the conversations. Again, this is where the emotion comes into play and can you kind of pull yourself up out of. Take those curious breaths to pull yourself up out of that reaction. There's a woman I wrote about in one of the most recent blog posts. I wrote about a conversation I had with a woman in South Carolina. She’s part of this longitudinal study Navigating to a New Normal. We've been talking for four years. I talked to her on January 8th, 2021. She had a very different – I was traumatized by January 6th. That's one of the things that I have still not healed from, and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. She had a very different perspective and take on the whole thing when that was really hard. As we were moving into the conversation, this guy around was like, “All right. We were planning to talk about all the things.” But we ended up having a really good conversation that we didn't change each other's minds, but we shared – I asked questions on how her perspective. Because I've been talking to her for four years, I share a little bit more about myself and clarify. We had the conversation about JD Vance and the childless cat ladies. She's a mom of three kids. Her perspective, she's like, “Yes, I get that.” She's like, “I'm constantly thinking about my kids in the world that they're going to move into and all of that.” I said, “I hear you. I get that.” I as a childless cat dad of three cats, I still have nieces and nephews, and I do think about the world that I'm leaving maybe in relation to them but just the world in general and that my understanding of that. I was able to talk about that situation. I helped her see where I was coming from and say I acknowledged. Yes, I can see where parents would feel that way, and that was Illuminating for her. She was like, “Oh, okay.” She said, “I get it. I see your point.” That doesn't mean she's going to change her vote or anything, but we at least developed some empathy with each other. We understood each other's points of view. We agreed to disagree, but we kept it very kind of civil, if you would. We didn't get into a knockdown drag out. So, yes, you can do it, but you've got to choose how you're going to approach the conversation and if you're going to even have it. [00:22:02] PF: Once you do that, does that change how you then approach other conversations? Say you've had this successful conversation with somebody, and you are a little bit like, “Okay, I don't agree with you. But now, I do understand why you have that belief.” Does that then change how you approach others? [00:22:19] RV: Absolutely. Because then if you've got that understandings, let's say – let's go back. Let's bring Uncle Bill back into the conversation. [00:22:27] PF: Come on, Bill. Come on back. [00:22:28] RV: Bill's sitting down here, and we've had this good conversation, and he's – I've gotten some empathy. I understand where he's coming from now. If I go have a conversation with Aunt Sally on the other side of the family, who also seems to have that same belief, I can share. I may not want to name names, but I can share like, “You know, I've heard from other people that have that same belief that this is what's behind it, why they're feeling that way. How does that sit with you? Is that how – do you feel that way? How does that sit with you? What do you think of that?” Then you let them kind of respond. You're starting to go, “Oh, okay. This really is this sort of underlying belief system.” Then if you really want to do something about it, you can start to take that information and figure out what might persuade them, what might solve the problem in a way that we're all happy with it. Obviously, we're individuals in a much larger political situation. But if you think about other familial disputes or conflict with family or friends, you can use the same approach and apply the same principles. [00:23:43] PF: I love it. Now, I know I have to let you go, but I have one more thing you talk about that I really want to bring up. That is you brought up recently the point to stop othering people. Oh, I love this. How does it help when we stop referring to someone as being on the other side and instead we just accept them as having a different opinion? What change does that make? [00:24:07] RV: I hope people do take a moment to read Divided, We Stand because I do write about on the other side. An industry, a research industry colleague, Susan Fader, I want to give her credit. She reached out to me afterward, and I love hearing from people. Anyway, Susan reached out. She was like, “You know, word choice is important.” She really focuses on that in her work, and she's like, “When you say other, it immediately others them, and it creates that difference and distance, rather than they're just people with different viewpoints.” That was such a huge, “Oh, yes. Dang, I did it myself, and I'm an empathy activist.” They're not other. They're not aliens from another planet. They are human beings. They have a pulse. They have thoughts and feelings. You're going to find that you have things in common with them. It's just that you have some different viewpoints. It’s staying open to that and realizing that with people. Related to that and what else we were talking about, there's a chapter in my book called Fear, which was when I got to go to the NRA gun show and was there on behalf of a client to talk to people about why they have carry conceal permits. What I found is I really started to just be open. Not think of, “Oh, they're other. They're weird. They're gun [word: toting — inaudible 00:25:32] and everything.” Just be curious about their viewpoint and where they were coming from. The title of the chapter is Fear. As we kept talking, that's what was revealed was that they were afraid of the world that they live in, and they want to keep themselves safe. Similarly then, my Liberal Leftie friends here in San Francisco, as I was talking to them about the project and what I was hearing, it was the exact same issue for them. It's a scary world they happen to be afraid of people with guns because they don't know if they're trained or what they're going to do with it. It's like, “Oh, okay. We're all afraid. So how can we use that then? If we understand that we're all afraid, what's going to make us feel safe and secure in the situation? How do we collaborate and compromise?” That's how empathy can work in all of this. [00:26:17] PF: Tell me what kind of differences will we see in the next few months if we can learn to approach our conversations with calm and empathy. [00:26:27] RV: I think – so we were talking at the top of the show about that stress and the chaos and the frazzled nerves and the meanness. You're going to see a lot of that for yourself diffuse. That's going to dissipate a bit. You're going to have, hopefully, a calmer sort of presence and understanding of where people are coming from. It's giving you knowledge. Once you have knowledge, then you can actually do something about it. Hopefully, people will be able to also recognize what are the things that they can influence and what are the things they just need to let go and say, “That's how this person is, but at least I understand how they appear.” Or we have had a nice conversation with a code word where we're just not going to talk about these things, and we're going to talk about some other stuff. [00:27:16] PF: I love it. Rob, you always have such wonderful insight. I appreciate you taking time to sit down with me, and we'll be talking with you again I'm sure. In the meantime, we're going to run your Divided, We Stand blog post. Tell people how they can sign up for your newsletter. Thank you again. I appreciate you. [00:27:32] RV: Paula, thank you. It's always awesome. Just keep taking those curious breaths, and it will get us through this election madness. [00:27:40] PF: I love it. Talk to you soon. [00:27:42] RV: Okay. Thank you. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:27:47] PF: That was Rob Volpe, talking about how we can learn to listen and use empathy to better understand one another. If you'd like to learn more about Rob, follow him on social media, read his article, Divided, We stand, or check out his book, Tell Me More About That, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode. While you’re there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Love Happy newsletter. Every week, we'll drop a little bit of joy in your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
Read More
two young women having a tough conversation.

10 Tips for Talking to People with Different Beliefs

This is a time of immense division, and that often leads to heated and harmful conversations. No one really wants to have uncomfortable conversations, but if we don’t prepare ourselves for when the moment arises, we aren’t going to make any progress to overcoming our differences of opinion.  Here are 10 tips on how to have a conversation with someone from the other side. Tip 1: Be Clear with Yourself. What are you hoping to achieve with this conversation? Is it to convert someone to your way of thinking? Defend your position or try to understand their thinking? Having that self-awareness will help keep you focused during the conversation. Tip 2: Actively Listen and Reflect Back. What happens when a toddler isn’t being heard? They scream louder or start to flail around. People just want to be heard and seen. As you listen to someone, repeat back what they said in the same way that they said it - words and tone and ask them to verify if you got it right. This helps people feel confident they are being understood and provides cognitive empathy. For more training on this technique, check out Edwin Rutsch’s Empathy Circles. Tip 3: Don’t Hesitate to Ask for Empathy for Yourself. It can be useful to say to someone “I hope you can see where I’m coming from…” and ask them to have some cognitive empathy with you. It helps move someone from repeating their talking points to having to reframe and reflect back what you are saying. And it gives you a chance to clarify your position to them. Tip 4: Take a Curious Breath. As many of them as you need. The act of a big inhale/exhale can help make space in your mind to figure out how you might respond instead of reacting in a way that is going to escalate the conversation instead of defuse it. Tip 5: Share Personal Stories. I’ve always found it’s much harder to be judgmental about someone you know rather than a large anonymous group. There’s a lot of ‘othering’ in politics. Break through that by sharing your own experiences or those of people you know. Share why a political issue is personally important to you. Tip 6: Agree Where There is Agreement. Defuse the ‘us v. them’ mentality by agreeing where there is common ground. Perhaps immigration reform is something you both agree on but the way to do it remains at issue. Acknowledge that you agree on the larger topic and then steer the conversation into ‘what can we do about it’. Tip 7: Remain Respectful through Empathy. Keep in mind that just like you feel strongly about your issues, the other person does too. Try to connect with an issue on a personal level that is informing their political views. Tip 8: Get Curious. Ask questions about their views, where they came from, what they’ve experienced in relation to that. It will help move the conversation from a stand-off back into a dialogue. Tip 9: Remember Your Connection Points to the Other Human. Recall what you know about the person you are talking to. Remind yourself of the things you have in common. Tip 10: Having Empathy Doesn’t Mean That You Have to Agree. Many people hold this idea that having empathy with someone means that you agree with them. That’s not true. It just means you understand where they are coming from or connect with their feelings. It doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own views. Rob Volpe is an empathy activist, consultant and thought leader and author of Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time. To sign up for his bi-weekly newsletter, click here. To reach out to him directly, email him at rob@robvolpe.expert.
Read More
A group of people jumping in celebration.

Transcript – What’s Coming Up in Season 10 With Paula Felps and Deborah K. Heisz

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: What’s Coming Up in Season 10 With Paula Felps and Deborah K. Heisz [EPISODE] [0:00:02] DH: Welcome to another episode of the Live Happy Now podcast. I'm Deborah Heisz, co-founder and CEO of Live Happy. I couldn't be more excited to be here with you today. In fact, today, as we wrap up Season 9 of Live Happy Now, we want to talk a little bit about what's coming up in Season 10. For those of you who are used to our regular podcast host, Paula Felps, she is on here as a guest today. We thought we'd flip things on its head a little bit, and let me interview her for a change because we got a lot of exciting things coming up. She works so hard to make Live Happy Now, the success that it has been, with our regular listeners, we've had more than six and a half million downloads, we've had nine years of tremendous success. We've got a massive library of great interviews, great information out there for you to tap into. If you're new to Live Happy Now, and we're excited that you're listening, and we just got a lot to talk about. We're coming up on our 10th season. So, you know, there's new podcasts launched every day, but we've been going at it for 10 years. Paula, tell us a little bit about what's coming up for Season 10? [0:01:04] PF: Well, first of all, thank you for the introduction. It feels so odd to be doing it this way, because you know, I like asking the questions, not answering them. But yes, so Season 10, we're really going to build on what we did in Season 9. As you know, we did some things differently, and you're a big part of that, because we introduced a couple of email courses that we had tried. We'd started that back in Season 8, we did one on pet loss, and that has done well. So, in Season 9, we did our shot at love email course for Valentine's Day. Then, of course, we're just wrapping up our – we're actually still in it, our summer of fun email course. So, because of the response we've had, we're going to be doing more of that. One of the things I'm really excited about is, we're working with a psychologist, Dr. Lauren Cook, and we're going to be presenting a four-part email series on election stress. I think that's something everyone's familiar with, everyone's failing in some way or another. So, that's one of the things I'm most excited about. We have a lot of great guests lined up, but I'm really excited about being able to do more with our email courses. [0:02:08] DH: So, we're a podcast first and foremost, Live Happy Now. We're about bringing you all of the information you need to craft the life you want to live a happier life. But as listening to Paula, you should picked up by now, we also have other avenues where you can connect with us, our email courses, our website, livehappy.com. If people don't know about our email courses, which I know we've talked about on the podcast before, where can they access the old ones or can they access the old ones? Where can they make sure that they are registered so that they can find out about the new ones and get access to those. [0:02:41] PF: We have our weekly newsletter. I appreciate everyone who subscribes to our newsletter, because we have an incredible following. I so appreciate the support that we've gained. So, you can just go to livehappy.com. In their drop-down box, there's a newsletter tab, you can click on that, subscribe for free, you'll get happiness in your inbox every week. We get our song of the week, which I always love picking that out for everyone every week and it always goes with the theme. So, you can start with our newsletter, and then our newsletter will also keep you informed when we have special courses. And on that same webpage where you can sign up for the newsletter, you'll see a list of our courses. So, you can just kind of scroll down, find one that works for you, and sign up for free. [0:03:23] DH: Well, enough of the commercial because I know a lot of people out there know, never enough of the commercial. But I know a lot of people out there are just podcast listeners, maybe they're listening to this podcast as they take their morning walk, or maybe they're listening to it as they're working around the house, maybe they're listening to it as they drive into work, which is actually how I listened to it. Don't feel like you have to do all the other stuff to get a lot of stuff out of the podcast. We have a lot of great topics and a lot of great guests on here. Paula, you mentioned something, and I'm so glad that there's a course coming with it, which is upcoming, which is just a dialogue on how to deal with the political election stress that really is hitting so many people right now. I'm really excited about that. I need to make sure that all of our listeners understand, Live Happy does not have a political point of view. That is not what we are about. You are entitled to whatever your political beliefs are, we are happy to have you as a listener, we're happy to have you engage with us because we're really all about allowing you to craft the life that you want, so that you can be happier. We aren't here interjecting our own thoughts or beliefs, which are myriad across the Live Happy organization. We have people of all political persuasions working on this particular product. But election stress is real. So, tell me a little bit about how live happy is going to be helping our listeners and people connect with us deal with that stress. [0:04:46] PF: So, the first part of any problem, as you know is recognizing it, and this all started because of Dr. Lauren Cook, who is the psychologist who is creating the course with us. Because of course, we always want to make sure that we are rooted in the science and the psychology of it. She specializes in working with Gen Z, which is another topic we're going to talk about. But she had noticed in her client base that particularly among Gen Z, there was so much trauma and tension already early in the year about what to do with the elections. So, she and I had a conversation about it, and that just kind of snowballed. I started talking with some other experts, who are also looking at it from different perspectives. I work with a man named Rob Volpe, he's out in San Francisco area. He works in the empathy space. He brought up something that is simple but genius. He said, "Even by saying the other side, we're creating a divide." He said, "We need to quit othering one another and stop looking at it. It's not another side, it's a different viewpoint." So, there's so many things I've learned already just from talking with the guests that we're going to have and getting this all lined up. So, I'm really excited, and I know that they're going to add so much to the conversation. The thing, just as with every episode we ever do, you may not agree with every guest, but there will be something. I look at Live Happy Now as a buffet table. Because when you go to the buffet table, you don't load up everything. Well, I hope not. You don't take everything from the table, but there's always something for you, that you can find that you can learn, you can nourish yourself with. [0:06:26] DH: Yes. I think this is a very, very important topic. Like I said, we don't have a political viewpoint for Live Happy at all. In fact, our viewpoint is that we would hope that people would come together. No matter what happens in this election cycle, at the end of it, we've all got to get on with our lives and do what we can to improve our communities around us, regardless of the outcome. I think it's very important for people to learn how to deal with that stress and deal with radically different viewpoints than the ones they personally held, and how they can continue to live their life and make a difference in the way they want to make a difference. Despite the fact that they may not always feel congruent with the people they're talking to. Then, really, when we're talking about political differences, that's what we're talking about. It's no different than religious differences. It's no different than any other fundamental belief that you hold that someone else a different fundamental belief that might appear or occasionally be in conflict to the ones you hold. We all need to get better at dealing with people who think differently than we do. It'll be a much happier world when we can have civil dialogue and civil discourse, and not other people. I love that, don't other people. Welcome people, listen, understand, have constructive dialogue, but move forward. I'm really excited for that discussion. I'm really excited to listen to everything that's been brought to the table, that we're going to be going over in the next couple of months. Because let's face it, we live in the United States, the next few months are going to be dominated. When you turn on your television, when you turn on your radio, when you turn on your computer, and you open up that browser, they're going to be dominated by election news. It's impossible to escape, and they're going to be dominated by people who share and people who directly oppose your opinion. I think it's really important to keep yourself mentally healthful through all of that. I find it really interesting that you brought up Generation Z, because the happiness report that came out in March, we've talked about this on this podcast before, what it showed us is Generation Z is fundamentally less happy than any other generation we have. Well, we haven't really looked at Generation Alpha yet for that, but they're fundamentally less happy than Generation X, than the millennials, than baby boomers. It really, I think, was shocking and surprising to everybody to have that outcome. So, I know we're doing some content on Generation Z. Tell us what you have planned, Paula? [0:08:54] PF: Well, that's going to be an ongoing conversation that we have. We're going to do something about once a month, where we deal with a topic that's relevant to Gen Z. Don't mistake this for a bit, to get Gen Z listeners, because this isn't – just like with any other rights movement, they aren't the ones that are going to make the change. It's the other people around them. It's the millennials, and the baby boomers, and Gen X are the ones that are going to make a difference for Gen Z, because we have to help change the way that they move through this world. So, those are some of the things that we look at, like what can we do, what is it that Gen Z is suffering from, and why is this. I see so many headlines where they're just like, "Well, it's because they're lazy. It's because they're on their phone." We as the adults in the room are not taking the time to really dive into what's driving their behavior. And until we do that, we can't help them. The fact is, they are our future, and how they move through the world is going to affect us later in life. So, again, we're all on the same ship, just as with the political beliefs. We're all in this together, and you can't wish that their side goes down because we're on the same ship. So, it's like, we rise or we sink together. So, we have to learn what it is that they need, why it is they see things differently, why they're so stressed out, and what we can do about it. If we don't change that, what does that mean for Generation Alpha? If each generation subsequently becomes less happy, we're not looking at very good outcomes for our grandchildren and their children. So, it's trite, but we need to be the change. [0:10:32] DH: We do, which isn't to say, we don't want Generation Z listeners. We do.   [0:10:37] PF: Exactly.   [0:10:38] DH: It's not just about us, but it's not just about our Gen X's, but it is everybody else. [SPONSOR MESSAGE] [0:10:44] PF: This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. We'll be right back with the show. But I wanted to take a moment to talk about self-care. Self-care is so important, but even when we know that, it's often hard to make time for it. It seems like there are so many other things that take over our calendars, and we end up making time for everyone, but ourselves. One way to practice self-care is through therapy, and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Therapy is a great way to discover new coping skills if you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and it can also teach you how to give yourself more of what you need to become the best version of yourself. If you're thinking of starting therapy, I encourage you to check out BetterHelp. Because it's online, it's completely flexible and works with your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. You never have to skip a therapy day with BetterHelp, so visit betterhelp.com/livehappy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/livehappy. As we enter the hottest month of the year, it's a great time to cool down, and Cozy Earth sheets can help make that happen. Thanks to their cutting-edge temperature regulating technology, Cozy Earth's bedding lets me stay cool and comfortable, even on the hottest of days. That means, I can wake up refreshed and ready for the day. Here's the best part, our exclusive offer for listeners like you gets you a 30% discount and a free item when you use a code, COZY HAPPY at cozyearth.com/livehappynow. I'll bet you'll love the unbeatable combination of softness and durability as much as I do. So, invest in your sleep health this summer and stay cool backed by Cozy Earth's 100-night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty. Visit cozyearth.com/livehappynow today to unlock this special offer and optimize your sleep for better health. After you place your order, be sure to select podcast in the survey, and then select Live Happy Now in the drop-down menu that follows. Now, let's get back to the show. [EPISODE CONTINUES] [0:12:59] DH: I think this is a really important topic because I have Generation Z children, those are my children. I was surprised by the outcome of the World Happiness Report, because I don't find them to be less happy, but I do find them to be more fearful and more stressed about things. We weren't fearful or stressed about it all that I remember, at least my peer group wasn't in the 'eighties, dating myself. But in the eighties, we just seemed a little more risk taking, a little less fearful of going outside the lines, a little more, I guess, empowered to have control of our own lives than I see in Generation Z right now. I think part of the issue we have is they don't feel empowered to take control of their lives and to live. I think there's a little bit of helicopter parenting, I think it's a little bit of coddling, I think it's a little bit of sheltering. They were all impacted by the pandemic, and it's easy for us as adults to say while the world is getting back to normal. For them, that was normal. So now, there's a new normal. If you're only 18 years old, and you spent a year and a half year life, not leaving your house or your neighborhood, that's a very different life experience than I had. [0:14:10] PF: I cannot imagine having to spend any of my high school years holed up in my house. I can't. I mean, a curfew was hard enough to deal with. So, I can't even imagine. [0:14:21] DH: I have to be home by 11? What? But I can't imagine how different they're set up. I mean, it's so different. The world is so different. So, I think it's going to be a really interesting topic. [0:14:34] PF: Can I bring up too that this is a generation that consumes their news from social media feeds. The algorithms know something that is fearful is going to get the clicks. So, they are being fed in addition to everything that they've experienced, the trauma of the pandemic, and everything else. They're being fed such negative news. I know we've talked about this with you, and your son, and you talking differently with him about that. Just because it's presented that way doesn't mean you'll never have a house. It doesn't mean you'll never be able to afford things. But that is where so many in Gen Z are coming from. Well, what's more concerning to me than that, is that Generation Alpha, which is also being called Generation Glass, because they are the first generation that's raised completely on screens, they're going to have that same messaging as well. So, they're going to be even more entrenched in getting that news that is undermining their wellbeing. [0:15:35] DH: They are also the generation that, particularly the upper end of that generation that truly missed some relationship development time with the pandemic. I have a 12-year-old, and she's very comfortable never leaving the house, she's happy. For me, that's just bizarre. I mean, she goes in the backyard, in the front yard, and we have friends over, and she does get out of the house. I don't want you to think my child's a recluse, but she's perfectly happy if she doesn't. Which is very different than, even my older two. She's at the very upper end of that Generation Alpha. So, they're just now becoming able to voice who they are. It's going to be different, because it's always different. It's always surprising. [0:16:12] PF: Right. I think it's going to be quite an adventure for us, and really eye-opening to be so aware of what's going on, and what needs to be presented differently. I think we'll learn as much as they do. [0:16:26] DH: I do too. I think it's going to be a really good season. I mean, I love that we cover these topics, because we don't have the answers yet. It's always interesting to talk about the stuff that there's no answers to, because there's so much work to be done. And I know there's a lot of studying that's going to be done, there's going a lot of stuff that we don't even know that's going to be available to us next year that's going to be coming out. It's going to be a great year. Great Season 10, Paula. Ten years. Isn't that crazy? [0:16:53] PF: How did we do it. Here's what's funny, because as I was prepping for this, and I'm like, "Wow, 10." I couldn't even remember our first podcast. So, I went back and listened to it. It was you, and you're introducing the podcast, and it was really nostalgic, it was really touching for me, because there was such enthusiasm, and optimism, and trepidation too of like, what are we getting ourselves into, and what's going to happen. To listen to that, and your hope, and your expectations. Everyone should go back and listen to it if they haven't. It's like a 10-minute podcast introducing it. It made me so joyful to listen to that. Then, to be able to look back, 477 episodes later, and say, "Wow, we did all that and more." That was really touching. [0:17:45] DH: We have definitely evolved. I haven't listened to the first one probably in eight years.   [0:17:51] PF: You should.   [0:17:51] DH: Maybe longer. I should go back and listen to that. But I know we started as a lot of companies, we've been through the digital revolution, we started as a magazine company, printing and mailing magazines to your house. Then, we added our digital website, livehappy.com, which has also evolved over time. Then, we added the podcast, and the first episode in the podcast were all about, what was in the magazine, when you go back. Not the very first episode, but what was in the magazine. Then, over time, I get to be jealous now, because Paula gets to do all of the interviewing, she gets to be the one who gets to meet with all these fascinating people and discuss their ideas. But over time, it really has evolved into the center of our business. This podcast is now our primary function. Yes, our companion newsletter is amazing. If you don't subscribe, you should subscribe. I'm going to share a little bit, and this doesn't mean anything to anybody out there in the world who doesn't follow media, but it's not just that we have a lot of subscribers to our podcast, is that our open rate is triple an open rate. Meaning, the average open rate. Meaning, people get it and they want to read it. You can unsubscribe any time, it's completely free. But we have the newsletter, we have the podcast, we post new stuff on the website. It really has evolved into being something that I'm very proud of. I'm excited about what we do, and to know that it's still all about making your world a happier place, and giving you the tools that you need. And it's all still grounded in science, we're not making stuff up. I mean, sometimes –   [0:19:21] PF: Not often, anyway, no.   [0:19:23] DH: Not often. Usually we'll say, this is our opinion, and we have really no idea, but we think this may be what's going on. But we're not making stuff up. But it's still grounded in science, and I'm really proud of it, and I'm excited to be entering our 10th year. I'm going to be on as often as I can. I want to close by asking you, Paula, two questions. The first one is, what is your favorite recollection about being the podcast host? What is your favorite thing that you've been able to do from the seat and the role you play at Live Happy? [0:19:52] PF: Oh my gosh. That is probably the toughest question you could ask me. I cannot even put into words the way that it feels when I have a dynamic interview. I feel like it's how a musician must feel when they walk off the stage, and they've just had the crowd roar. There's a feeling that you get when you're interviewing people, and there's a flow, and insight that they're giving to you is so meaningful. You're like, if it means this to me, I know it's got to resonate with somebody else. That has been the most gratifying experience that anyone can imagine. [0:20:27] DH: I'm chuckling because for our related podcast and other podcast that I'm in, which is called, Built to Win. We just did an entire episode on flow, and getting into flow, and how that feels. It's fascinating you find your flow through dynamic dialogue, that's great. For those of you who don't know what flow is, we've got tons of stuff on it, we've done tons of stuff on it on Live Happy. It's kind of essential to achievement, it's essential to an overall sense of positive wellbeing. There's a great book on it. It's a little technical, but there's a lot of articles summarizing that book. It's by Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, and it's called Flow. You should check it out if you haven't already. It's one of the foundational books of really Live Happy and Live Happy Movement. So, you should check that out if you haven't. So, that was question number one. Question number two is, what are you most looking forward to in our future? What do you think is on the horizon that you're just super excited about? [0:21:23] PF: Oh, our newsletter. We have so much growth plan, and so many exciting things that we're going to be unveiling through our newsletter. People don't know this, but I also work with an International News Media Association, and have learned so much about how we can engage with people, and how we can really reach people through newsletters. It has kind of changed our whole platform of how we approach this. I'm super, super excited. I love our listeners, I love our audience, and I'm really eager to share all these great new things with them through the newsletter. [0:21:56] DH: Well, thank you, Paula. Thank you for letting me sit in the interviewer chair.   [0:22:00] PF: Any time.   [0:22:00] DH: Although I probably pontificated more than I used to, more than I needed to, I mean. But I'm super excited about this upcoming season. I'm honored that you still let me take credit for a lot of this, because Paula – for those of you don't know, Paula is the heart of what we do at Live Happy. She is the center of the wheel that keeps all the other folks moving, and I could not appreciate her more. It is a joy working with her, and it's also a joy being able to be a guest on the podcast when I'm a guest, and letting me host this time brings back old memories. I miss hosting, I missed that flow that you get from that dynamic conversation. But I love listening to them, so thank you so much for everything you do. [0:22:34] PF: Well, thank you, and we'll have you back to host again. [0:22:38] DH: All right. Take care, Paula. [END OF EPISODE] [0:22:44] PF: That one was Deborah Heisz, talking with me about what's in store for Season 10. If you'd like to learn more about what we're up to, or sign up for our weekly newsletter, or any of the email courses we talked about, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode. If you aren't already receiving us ever week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcast. While you're there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That is all we have time for today. We will meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one.   [END]
Read More