This is a time of immense division, and that often leads to heated and harmful conversations. No one really wants to have uncomfortable conversations, but if we don’t prepare ourselves for when the moment arises, we aren’t going to make any progress to overcoming our differences of opinion.
Here are 10 tips on how to have a conversation with someone from the other side.
Tip 1: Be Clear with Yourself.
What are you hoping to achieve with this conversation? Is it to convert someone to your way of thinking? Defend your position or try to understand their thinking? Having that self-awareness will help keep you focused during the conversation.
Tip 2: Actively Listen and Reflect Back.
What happens when a toddler isn’t being heard? They scream louder or start to flail around. People just want to be heard and seen. As you listen to someone, repeat back what they said in the same way that they said it – words and tone and ask them to verify if you got it right. This helps people feel confident they are being understood and provides cognitive empathy. For more training on this technique, check out Edwin Rutsch’s Empathy Circles.
Tip 3: Don’t Hesitate to Ask for Empathy for Yourself.
It can be useful to say to someone “I hope you can see where I’m coming from…” and ask them to have some cognitive empathy with you. It helps move someone from repeating their talking points to having to reframe and reflect back what you are saying. And it gives you a chance to clarify your position to them.
Tip 4: Take a Curious Breath.
As many of them as you need. The act of a big inhale/exhale can help make space in your mind to figure out how you might respond instead of reacting in a way that is going to escalate the conversation instead of defuse it.
Tip 5: Share Personal Stories.
I’ve always found it’s much harder to be judgmental about someone you know rather than a large anonymous group. There’s a lot of ‘othering’ in politics. Break through that by sharing your own experiences or those of people you know. Share why a political issue is personally important to you.
Tip 6: Agree Where There is Agreement.
Defuse the ‘us v. them’ mentality by agreeing where there is common ground. Perhaps immigration reform is something you both agree on but the way to do it remains at issue. Acknowledge that you agree on the larger topic and then steer the conversation into ‘what can we do about it’.
Tip 7: Remain Respectful through Empathy.
Keep in mind that just like you feel strongly about your issues, the other person does too. Try to connect with an issue on a personal level that is informing their political views.
Tip 8: Get Curious.
Ask questions about their views, where they came from, what they’ve experienced in relation to that. It will help move the conversation from a stand-off back into a dialogue.
Tip 9: Remember Your Connection Points to the Other Human.
Recall what you know about the person you are talking to. Remind yourself of the things you have in common.
Tip 10: Having Empathy Doesn’t Mean That You Have to Agree.
Many people hold this idea that having empathy with someone means that you agree with them. That’s not true. It just means you understand where they are coming from or connect with their feelings. It doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own views.
Rob Volpe is an empathy activist, consultant and thought leader and author of Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time. To sign up for his bi-weekly newsletter, click here. To reach out to him directly, email him at rob@robvolpe.expert.
