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How to Raise Happy Kids

Ask parents what they want most for their children and they’ll answer the same: happiness. But if we hover and coddle and grant their every wish, they grow up to expect that treatment from the rest of the world and are going to be seriously unhappy when they realize that’s not how things work. And if we exert too much control while instilling traditional discipline and a strong work ethic, says a new British study, we could scar them emotionally for life. So how do we raise happy children? “The science of positive psychology has shown us that happiness comes from experiencing lots of different positive emotions: gratitude, appreciation, optimism and confidence about the future, joy and contentment in the present,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. “Of course we will all still have negative emotions, and parents should not try to protect their children from those experiences. Time and again, the research demonstrates that what we say and do with children is far more important in their success and happiness than any innate talent or disposition.” Get started today—no matter what age your children are—cultivating the following five character traits that positive psychologists have found happy children share. (Not surprisingly, they’re also found in joyful, fulfilled adults!) 1. Happy kids are connected Today’s parenting culture tends to revolve around achievement—be it in the classroom or on the playing field—and that’s a mistake, say positive psychology experts. Focus instead on really getting to know and enjoy your kids. Knowing they are loved for who they are is fundamental to a happy life. “The most important thing parents can give a child is a life that’s full of positive points of connection—at home, at school, on teams, at church and in your community,” says Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell, Harvard psychiatrist and author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness. “And those positive connections occur when you enjoy your kids and have fun together. Set up family traditions and celebrations. Use physical touch: Snuggle, kiss, wrestle.” Of course your family life won’t be perfect: “You will get mad and yell; you will be too busy to sit down for dinner together all the time; they will try to get out of doing chores. All of that is good; they’re signs you are connecting!” he notes. “In disconnected families there is no conflict, because no one cares.” Preschoolers: “Kids need to get that you like them,” says teacher and family therapist Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids. “They need to feel like your heart lights up when you see them. That tells children they have value and infuses them with confidence so that later, when life doesn’t go as they expect, they are still able to cope.” Let the chores wait and read together, play in the backyard, take a nature walk, act silly. Be a kid again yourself when you’re with them. Grade-schoolers: This is the stage when children begin to venture out into the community and form relationships with others, so encouraging friendships should be a big priority, Ned notes. But don’t stop at just setting up play dates. “Kids need to be taught the principles of friendships just like they need to be taught math facts,” he points out. “Explain to your child that he needs to be loyal, which means not trying to get out of an invitation when something better comes along. Show him examples of bullying, bragging or embarrassing someone and point out why they’re wrong. And always encourage your child to include peers who are being left out.” Another excellent decision if you can swing it, Ned says, is to get a pet. Pets not only teach children responsibility, but they provide more opportunity to practice give-and-take relationship skills, reinforce the power of unconditional love and will help the whole family relax and have fun together. Teenagers: “Interactions with teens can quickly devolve into ‘Do this’ and 'Haven't you finished that yet?' and Where’s that permission slip you were supposed to bring home?’” Susan notes. “You get so little time with teens that you don’t want all your interactions to be about getting them to do something. But they’re also not inclined to sit down and play Monopoly with you for two hours.” Instead, Susan recommends ignoring your to-do list and when your teen walks into the room, try to conjure up that baby you couldn’t take your eyes off—even though he may be in serious need of a shower—and pay him a compliment or tell him a joke. “You want to shift the ratio so that you have more positive interactions and fewer demanding ones,” she says. “It can just be a short 30-second exchange, but if it results in a smile, it’s a deposit into the emotional bank account. Your teen will feel uplifted and you’ll have demonstrated you care without forcing it.” 2. Happy kids are playful “There’s so much pressure to sign kids up for loads of activities today, but not enough free time negatively impacts a child’s happiness in two ways,” explains Katie Hurley, Los Angeles author of The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World. First, if kids are constantly doing structured activities, they are not spending time with you. Different children can handle different degrees of busyness, but a good rule of thumb is one sport, and maybe one other activity per season. Secondly, overscheduled kids don’t get time to just play, which provides a wealth of benefits that contributes to happiness: Play develops imagination and creativity, builds social skills and teaches problem-solving, to name just a few. Play is also a critical way to discover what you’re good at, Ned says, and that leads children to want to practice and master that skill, whether it’s riding a bike, shooting a basketball, painting or learning to cook. Preschoolers: Go retro when it comes to toys. Sure, a smart phone or tablet app comes in handy from time to time, but to really foster creativity and build imagination, young kids need simple wooden blocks, sidewalk chalk, dolls and balls, Katie says. In short, you don’t want too many toys that are passive or that do the thinking for your child. Also, never underestimate the power of the recycling bin. Every craft project need not come from a prepackaged kit. Grade-schoolers: Sports are terrific arenas for play now, and that goes beyond just signing them up for an official team, Ned notes. Encourage your kids to have friends over to play soccer in the backyard. Organize a flag football tournament or basketball game at family gatherings. “And when your child does play on a team, don’t turn it into a pressure-packed, hypercompetitive drama. Emphasize the fun aspects, not the win-loss record,” Ned says. Teenagers: Finding the high-school equivalent of playing in the sandbox is challenging to say the least, but adolescents need those creative outlets more than ever. Point them toward groups like makerspace.com, an online community where they can create, invent and learn about things they’re interested in with peers. Encourage writing a short story or taking up photography. Got a musician? Invest in some noise-canceling headphones (for yourself!) and allow her to have friends over for jam sessions. At this age, play takes a more productive turn but is nonetheless creative. 3. Happy kids are…confident Few feelings in life are as thrilling as that moment when a child realizes, “I can do it!” The sense of security that comes with deep connections, along with the skills your child builds through play, leads to the confidence to try new things. And con! dent children are optimistic children. “When problems arise, as they do for all of us, the confident, optimistic child tackles them with the certainty that they are solvable and continues to try again, rather than give up,” Ned explains. Christine seconds that: “Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated,” she notes, “and a key to helping your child stay optimistic is teaching a growth mindset. Growth mindset people believe that success is a result of effort, not inborn talents.” Preschoolers: Start early on to use praise to cultivate a positive mindset. Be sure you're praising specific hard work and good deeds rather than the child. So instead of “Great job!” or “You’re so smart!” say, “That was really nice of you to let Jack use the swings first," or "You worked really hard on that puzzle and you didn't give up until you figured it out.” Avoid pessimistic reactions to your child’s behavior as well. Say one sibling hits another. Instead of “That’s mean, Emma. You’re not going to have any friends at preschool if you act that way,” respond with a way to help. Try “You’re having a hard time, Emma. I bet you’re hungry. Say you’re sorry and let’s get something to eat so you feel better.” This way, Emma sees that even though she is experiencing the negative feelings, they are temporary and she has the power to fix them, Christine says. Grade-schoolers: As your child matures, you want to create as many opportunities for him to succeed as you can, but also be careful to not cross the line to expecting perfection. You don’t have to get a gold medal in a sport to enjoy it. Nor do you have to receive the highest score on the test to know the subject matter thoroughly. “People incorrectly believe that perfectionism will propel kids to the top of their class, their teams, and ultimately their careers,” Christine notes. “Instead, perfectionism creates a constant state of discontent and fear of making mistakes.” Avoid this scenario by not doing too much for your child: If you constantly correct his math homework or rewrite his essays, he’ll begin to believe he’s not capable of doing it on his own. If you repeatedly deliver that forgotten lunch or homework, he’ll have no reason to try to remember it. And when you do need to deliver criticism, try to make it positive and productive: Instead of “I told you to put your science folder in your backpack last night,” say, “You remembered your homework Monday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today?” Teenagers: Confidence is essential to your teen’s ability to make safe, informed decisions, and it grows as he or she learns to cope when life throws curve balls. It’s hard to do, but the bigger they get, the more we need to let them fail a bit, then bounce back on their own, Christine says. “Happy kids can risk making mistakes because they know how to correct them and they take steps on their own to do so.” Instead of jumping in and fixing things, help your child make a plan to reach his goal. When your teen gets cut from a high school sports team, for example, acknowledge the disappointment and praise the effort he put in: “I know you probably feel sad and frustrated. You worked really hard on your basketball shooting skills.” But also encourage him to think positively about ways to succeed: “What do you think you could do to increase your chances of making the team next time?” Read more: Overparenting Anonymous by Dr. Wendy Mogel 4. Happy kids are…grateful Of course you’ve been teaching your children to say “Please” and “Thank you” since they began to talk. Now a bevy of research connects a deeper understanding and attitude of gratitude with true happiness and life satisfaction. Preschoolers: One of the first things you want to do with your children is make a habit of expressing thankfulness for the family’s blessings. Researcher Giacomo Bono, Ph.D., co-author of Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character, has found that children who say grace at mealtime have developed more gratitude than their peers. Get into the habit of saying the traditional prayers of your faith with your children at dinner and bedtime, but also use these moments to express thanks for people in their lives, he recommends. Giacomo also advises parents to emphasize the nuances of gratitude to young children. Point out how, for example, a gift is going to improve a child’s life: “Those finger paints Aunt Sara gave you are going to be a lot of fun. Let’s invite some friends over to play with them.” Then explain that the benefactor made a choice to do something good and went out of her way to do it for you: “It was really kind of Aunt Sara to make a special trip to the toy store and spend her money on you.” Also make it a habit to encourage your child to do nice things for others: “I put an extra snack in your backpack. Why don’t you share it with one of your friends at school today?” Grade-schoolers: As kids mature a bit more, they can better appreciate the intentions and motivations of the benefactor, so point those out, too. Say, for instance, “It was really nice of your violin instructor to recommend you for that orchestra. She really loves playing and wants you to feel the same passion for it.” Children this age are also becoming more aware of other people and the world around them, so when they bring up, say homelessness, take advantage of the opportunity, Giacomo says. A school-age child can volunteer at a soup kitchen with you, or accompany you when you do something to help an elderly neighbor. You’re modeling generosity, and your child gets to observe the gratitude that someone feels from it—as well as realize how much he himself has to be grateful for. Teenagers: Adolescents are ready to discover their meaning and passion in life, and practicing gratitude will help them do that, Giacomo notes. Tap into their interests by giving them ideas on how to use technology to express gratitude. Instead of writing a thank-you note, teens can make a thank-you video. They can create a slideshow of things they’re grateful for on their phones or make a Pinterest board. Also encourage your child to share his skills in the community. A varsity athlete might volunteer to coach younger kids in his sport; a teen with an interest in photography could share her skill with a group of seniors. 5. Happy kids are positive thinkers Teaching kids to have a glass-half-full attitude when something negative occurs in their lives is essential to their happiness, and building all the other skills we’ve discussed so far puts them on this positive track. “Understanding what triggers all types of feelings helps children work through the negative so they get to a positive viewpoint,” Katie notes. To make this happen, parents need to be “emotion coaches,” Christine emphasizes. According to research, children—and adults—who can manage their emotions experience negative feelings for shorter periods of time. Preschoolers: The first step with little ones is label, label, label, beyond happy and sad. Katie recommends describing your child’s emotions as well as his behavior back to him: “You just kicked the tower over. You must be frustrated.” Then replace the negative thought with a positive one: “I bet you can get the tower to keep standing. What do you think would have worked better?” Grade-schoolers: We tend to think of small children as the ones who have temper tantrums, but bigger kids can have massive meltdowns over homework, sports and friendships. The single best thing you can do, say Giacomo and Katie, is to model calmness. “A calm response shows your child that the problem is solvable so he can move to a positive approach,” Giacomo emphasizes. Instead of “I can’t do this,” stepping back and taking a deep breath allows them to get to “OK, I can fix this.” “I tell kids to pretend they are blowing up a balloon very slowly. It calms their senses and slows their heart rate,” Katie explains. “It’s a skill they can use at any time.” Teenagers: Being an adolescent today is seriously stressful, and even kids who have had it together so far can buckle under the pressures of popularity (or lack thereof) and academics. “One of the main functions of adolescence is to learn to cope with really big emotions, but you also don’t want your coaching to feel condescending,” Christine notes. “A smart way to keep things positive now is to frequently narrate your own emotions for your teen, but also follow that with a positive.” Say, for instance, “Standing in this checkout line is really aggravating, but we’ll have all the groceries we’ll need and won’t have to waste time coming back to the store for a few days.” Or, “Boy, am I nervous about this presentation tomorrow, but when we get the business I’ll get a nice bonus and we can take a special vacation this summer.” As Christine says, you want to teach them to “fake it until you make it.” The science of positive psychology has shown us that forcing yourself to smile when you don’t always feel like it creates a physiological reaction that produces feel-good brain chemicals. And when children learn how to induce their own positive emotions, happiness wins. Listen to our podcast: Raising Confident and Creative Kids, with Heather Shumaker Stephanie Wood is a freelance writer and editor based in the New York City area.

Giving

Expressing Themselves

I have always encouraged my children, Madison and Arthur, to draw, paint, color or just create anything. They loved these exercises. When they were younger, their teachers would invite me into their classrooms to talk about painting and work with them on various activities. After my son, Arthur, was diagnosed with autism, I was even more involved in his classes at elementary school. During one visit, when I volunteered to help his class paint dogs and cats, a mother asked if I would consider painting with adults with special needs in the Des Moines area. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to work with older individuals facing circumstances similar to my son’s. The whole thing blossomed into a class that now meets in my garage six weeks. We meet one night a week every fall with a Christmas art show at the end of the session. I’ve never seen people prouder of their art than this group. The artists come to paint and love to express themselves. It is like a party every Thursday night in our garage. How it works The students come with care providers who help them focus during the class. Our class has grown so much that I’m spread fairly thin during the two-hour sessions, so I appreciate the volunteers. These individuals come to learn something new, they come to experience a community that they have created by their art interest, and they come to see their friends. All are welcome and I only ask that they try their best. I am continually impressed with their talents and how focused they remain during the class. I joke with them, but I do expect them to put forth the effort. My children have grown up painting, and I have seen their personal development through their art. My art is my own therapy. I see it no differently for these students and their peers. Some of the providers pick up brushes as well. There are no rules. A little bit of encouragement goes a very long way with this group. Everyone is a success story. For that reason, we have had many individuals who have come back for more classes. I would say some have been returning for seven years or more. This fall is our nine-year anniversary. A love of art My sister was a very good artist and I always admired her drawings. I wanted to be just like her. I also remember sitting with my mom when we were very young and she would draw our portraits. However, I think I received most of my encouragement from my high school teacher. He was very quiet. He would assign something and walk around and look at what we were doing, throw out a comment, and keep walking. One day he walked by my desk and said, “You want to draw a mural on a blank wall in the music room?” I said yes, of course, and had no idea of the size of that wall or the first thing about a mural. That wall must have been 15 feet tall by 25 feet wide. I did an abstract modern interpretation of musicians. The final painting was influenced by the style of Paul Klee. I didn’t have any rules, and I loved doing it. That project led to painting another mural in the school and two others around my town; one of those was on a side of a barn. I was hooked. I went on to study every aspect of art and design in college and loved every minute of it. There is continually so much to learn. Read more: Create Outside the Lines Bold and beautiful I think one of my favorite moments was when a student visited the class a couple of times, and then I saw him at the Christmas party. He said he wanted to join the art club and I told him he should because he was a very good artist. His response was, “I know!” I love the confidence in these students. My son and I always do a few paintings one-on-one during the year, and then we submit one of the paintings to the Iowa State Fair competition. I got a call one summer night from a juror who wanted to congratulate one of my children on winning the third-place award in the show. I had assumed it was my daughter, Madison, but it happened to be Arthur! Madison received a merit that year in the older division, so that was the icing on the cake. I enjoy observing the students’ approaches to color and line. It is deliberate and without reservation. I learn a little every year seeing their approaches to the canvas. I have no excuse not to pick up my brush and work when I can. I see how much they enjoy and take this opportunity to express themselves. It is their choice to do this. They do not waste this experience. Read more: Love Him to the Max How to get started A journal and a pencil is an inexpensive investment in art. Sit on a hill and draw the vast scenery or draw a leaf. Whatever makes you happy. Big or small, the touch of the pencil to the paper is just the beginning of this therapy. I always enjoyed the direction I received in college: Draw what you see. Looking at things and understanding their color and structure is so key to drawing. Most of my drawing and painting is for children’s books or pet portraits, and I’m very comfortable with where this journey has taken me. Giving back is natural for our family because we receive so much in return. We should be able to experience everything in this life we so choose. I’m just lucky enough that the interest in art lives in this group of individuals, and I’m happy to do what I can to push them to whatever level they want to achieve. Kathryn Finney is Live Happy’s creative director; her daughter, Madison, is following in her footsteps as an artist, and her son, Arthur, continues to win awards for his work.

work

5 Ways to Spark Joy at Work

In Marie Kondo’s best-seller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, she asks us to place our hands on each thing we own and then ask ourselves, “Does this spark joy?” From our T-shirts to our teacups, from our books to our pocketbooks—if the item sparks joy, keep it and store it in a place that’s accessible. If it doesn’t spark joy, Marie advises we get rid of it. Now, imagine if we asked ourselves this same question—does this spark joy?—when it comes to our jobs. For some of us, work and joy in the same sentence may seem like an oxymoron, but it doesn’t have to be. Ask yourself these questions: Where do you gain meaning? What at your work leads you to do your best? Where do you have joy? As executive coaches and authors of Profit from the Positive: Proven Leadership Strategies to Boost Productivity and Transform Your Business, we believe your job can spark joy for you. When we asked people we were coaching or have coached what brought them joy at work, here were the top five responses: 1. HELPING OTHERS Be it solving a customer’s problem, coaching an employee or collaborating with a teammate. “There’s nothing better than helping someone to reach their full potential and then watching them shine!” What can you do? Lend a helping hand. Don't ask, “Can I help?” Instead ask, “How can I help?” Offer your guidance not only for work that needs to be accomplished but also for career advice. 2. GIVING AND RECEIVING RECOGNITION Whether it’s giving positive feedback to colleagues or receiving it. “The icing on the cake would be that my work is appreciated and valued by others.” What can you do? Recognize co-workers for a job well done—it not only brings them joy and boosts their productivity but also makes you feel good. 3. MAKING FRIENDS Building relationships with people at work: “Colleagues who have become friends” and “people who care about your well-being and your work.” What can you do? Connect with people you enjoy. Seek out people who fill you up rather than those who drain your energy. 4. FEELING A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT Making a difference by “delivering on a commitment that meets or surpasses the customer’s expectation,” and “creating something bigger than myself.” What can you do? Recraft your job. Recrafting means any change—large or small—you can make that allows you to use your strengths even more. 5. WORKING WITH A TEAM “Joy is being on a team that has a common mission and everyone is giving of themselves to accomplish the same goal.” What can you do? Look for opportunities to collaborate with others, even if you work remotely or solo. And remember, if no joy can be found in your current job, it’s time to put on your explorer’s hat and see what else is out there. Life is too short not to find joy at work. MARGARET H. GREENBERG and SENIA MAYMIN, Ph.D., are sought-after executive coaches, speakers and positive psychology practitioners. Find them at ProfitFromthePositive.com.

relationships

8 Tips to Find Your Own Tribe

When you spend time with people who enjoy doing the same things you do—like playing music or dancing—the benefits to your body and mind just keep on coming. Connection leads to greater happiness. A sense of belonging boosts your immune system. And you can even reach a state of heightened consciousness called flow. Many positive psychologists have identified relationships with others as the most important feature of a long and happy life. Dan Buettner, founder of the Blue Zones movement, believes loneliness is the greatest public threat to health in the United States. People who feel they are an integral part of a tight-knit group, on the other hand, seem to thrive. So if you think you could use a little more connection and cohesion with other people, how do you get started? Here are a few ideas. 1. Follow your passions Do you excel at chess? Love to run? Never miss an opportunity to watch classic films? Sometimes as we get older, we let go of interests outside of work and family. You may need to think back to childhood or adolescence to realize what your talent or passion is. Once you find that, let it direct you to a community of like-minded people or organizations that specialize in what you love to do. 2. Go with a friend Do you have a friend who posts ecstatic photos on Facebook of her rock-climbing club? Are you intrigued by your neighbor’s involvement with the local community theater? Ask if you can come along to explore or look behind the scenes. Or investigate a new activity or group with like-minded friends; it will make it even more fun. 3. Venture outside your comfort zone A great way to meet people is to stretch yourself by charting new territory, perhaps by trying something you’ve been intrigued by but afraid to attempt until now. You may end up discovering a whole new talent or side of yourself. When you show courage and grit, you are even more likely to bond with the people surrounding you. You’ll never find out if it’s for you unless you take the risk. 4. Start online, but take it to the real world The web has made everything easier, including meeting like-minded people. You can find special interest groups and fan board for everything from Star Wars fanatics to knitting mavens. And Google is your best friend when it comes to finding any kind of activity in your area. But online groups can remain virtual and anonymous, and if you never make it out of your living room, you won't reap most of the benefits of belonging and connection that positive psychologists are so excited about. Meetup.com is a great place to start in terms of joining an actual community. Hashmeet is a new app that easily lets you start a new group in your area. 5. Join the congregation If you haven’t been to your church, mosque or synagogue for a while, it could be time to give it another look. These traditional communities offer a number of group activities, from scripture study to community volunteering to movie nights or weekly potluck dinners. 6. Get physical Doing a fun physical activity with other folks is a fantastic way to form social bonds. But the gym can be a pretty cold and anonymous place. Fitness programs like Camp Gladiator, SoulCycle, and CrossFit are a little intimidating, but they do break out of the typical gym atmosphere and inspire a kind of cult-like attachment in their members. If you find a yoga or Zumba class that you love, be consistent—go week after week—and you will start seeing the same people again and again. The more you get together (and sweat together), the greater chance you’ll start to get to know each other. Read more: More Fun, More Fitness 7. Volunteer Volunteering in a group is a bonding experience that can change your life, as well as the lives of those you help. In addition to congregations, above, and local schools, we've put together this very incomplete list of national organizations that offer group volunteer opportunities: Habitat for Humanity Volunteer Match Jewish Family Services Catholic Charities ASPCA Meals on Wheels, USA 8. Take the initiative Don’t wait for someone to invite you to join their cooking club or poker night—take the initiative and start one yourself! Call a few friends, put out a notice on Facebook and find out who might want to join in. Just because you started it doesn’t mean you are responsible for hosting every time. You are just kicking things off. Read more: Meet three people who found their tribe and thrived! Emily Wise Miller is the web editor at Live Happy.

relationships

Find Your Tribe

Mika Banks felt at home the first time she walked into the San Francisco Mission District dance studio of Rhythm & Motion. The room was filled with “so much joy,” says the 33-year-old dancer, alive with “people moving together—just completely letting go, like a party where everyone is doing the same dance.” “I went to class and I was hooked,” says Bay Area therapist Heather Bornfeld. “It’s a follow-along format so you have to give yourself permission to be lost, and then you’ll eventually find yourself and that is such a rush. I couldn’t wait for my next class—I planned my life around it.” What Mika and Heather responded to so strongly, aside from a fantastic dance workout to booty-shaking music, is something professor Charles Walker from St. Bonaventure University in New York calls “social flow”—a heightened state of well-being that is even more powerful when experienced in a group. The heightened feeling of 'flow' In his seminal positive psychology book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., writes that we reach “optimal states of consciousness” at times when our “attention is completely absorbed by the activity” in which we are involved. He gives examples of a dancer and a rock climber who “stop being aware of themselves as separate from the activity.” This doesn’t apply to just physical activities such as dance and running, but also to musicians playing jazz or a family playing a board game. In 2010, Charles published the paper “Experiencing Flow: Is Doing It Together Better Than Doing It Alone?” in The Journal of Positive Psychology, noting that although we get a sense of joy from a solo flow state, well-being is magnifed when it’s done with other people. According to Charles, collectivity and connectivity are built into our DNA. “Human beings are incredibly social animals and to surrender yourself to others in a worthwhile cause is a special pleasure,” he says. “When we do so we become graceful, supreme social beings.” “We are in a Western culture, and the individual is stressed an awful lot,” Charles says. “To surrender to a group [like they do at Rhythm & Motion] where there is beauty, grace and acceptance and find yourself bonding with diverse people is just amazing and thrilling and energizing.” Rediscover joy in dance Mika had grown up and danced professionally in Chicago before moving to Quito, Ecuador. But living at a high altitude for several years took a toll on her body, and she was unable to dance or exercise for three years. “I decided to make a big change, and I was seeking a dance community—hoping to make dance a part of my life again—but not in the way I had done before,” she says. Within a month of moving to San Francisco, Mika volunteered at Rhythm & Motion. Shortly after, she auditioned and became an instructor. She had hoped to dance professionally again, but she soon realized that part of her life was over. “I wasn’t finding joy in it anymore. Here [at R&M] are classes of 60 people having the time of their lives, calling it ‘church.’ It is the purest form of joy, of connection to movement and to other people.” Joy is contagious R&M students include many teachers, artists, healthcare professionals and—both Mika and Heather concur—psychotherapists. Heather says that as a therapist she does “so much talking and listening all day and I am so in my head, that to be able to feel in this completely physical way, and be completely free and present in my body, is like medicine. It is so important.” Movement and exertion elicit endorphins and other feel-good hormones. You also get a sense of community from sweating alongside other people whom you get to know well over the course of months and years of coming to classes. All of this creates a welcome environment for social flow. In addition, research from the decades-long Framingham Heart Study has shown that happiness is literally contagious—not just in the sense that we smile when others smile, but that when one person secretes oxytocin (the feel-good hormone), others around them will do the same. It’s no wonder the students at R&M, cycling fanatics braving city roads in groups and even bold roller-derby babes skating around a track in unison find these activities highly addictive. From flow to flourishing Social flow takes well-being to the next level—flourishing. When you think of some of the happiest people you know, who comes to mind? Is it the uncle who goes into battle with other fanatics on weekends to act out scenes from the Civil War? The sister who belongs to multiple book clubs or the grandma who loves meeting with her quilting group once a month? People thrive on coming together over a shared passion. In research at the University of Arizona from 2001, sociology professors Miller McPherson, Lynn Smith-Lovin and James M. Cook used the term homophily to describe the fact that “similarity breeds connection” and that everything from marriage to friendship is a result of people’s drive to network with like-minded individuals. However, while “Birds of a Feather” (the name of their paper) may often flock together, sometimes a surprisingly diverse group will gel and it can be magic. HOW HARRY GOT HIS GROOVE BACK Harry Baulisch recently rode his first century ride with his friends from the Omaha Bicycle Company; 26 riders started and seven finished all 100 miles—he was among the finishers. It took them 12 hours. He recalls his first group ride about a year ago: “I was gasping for air, my legs were burning. I remember thinking, ‘I can’t do this, it’s so embarrassing.’ ” But the other cyclists waited for him at the top of the hill and gave him words of encouragement. “It was a situation that I wasn’t familiar with,” Harry says. “Being with people who show that kind of respect, concern and care for this guy that they had just met—and all we had in common was riding bicycles.” When Harry first walked into the Omaha Bicycle Company in Benson, just outside Omaha, Nebraska, he was only visiting. But this community of young bike enthusiasts, coffee junkies and alternative transportation advocates became a siren call for Harry, a retired Navy lieutenant in his early 60s who had been living in a small town in Minnesota. But like Mika at R&M, he felt immediately at home. Bicycles, coffee & community “I had my dog, Sally, with me,” recalls Harry, “and I asked if I could bring her in. I looked around and there were bicycles and a coffee bar, a couch and tables, and I thought—this is heaven!” Harry would come to the shop every time he visited family in Omaha, hang out and chat with the owner, Sarah Johnson. “One time I said to her, ‘This place is so cool; I would really like to be able to spend more time here.’ She said, ‘Why don’t you just move down here?’” “I started meeting people,” Harry says. “And they would say ‘Oh, it’s the guy from Minnesota!’ You get that little bit of gratification when you walk into the biggest city in the state and people remember you!” He could sense that this was not just your usual bike shop. He wanted to be a part of this community, and he was willing to pick up and move in order to change his life. A different kind of bike shop Sarah wanted to help Omaha develop a more robust bike culture. Friends raised $15,000 through a Kickstarter campaign to open the shop in 2012. “I was incredibly moved by the generosity: not just friends but also strangers contributed,” Sarah says. “I wanted to make a different kind of shop. I love customers who know nothing about bikes. I don’t want them to feel intimidated.” Harry was pulling himself together physically from previous health setbacks,including a heart attack, colon cancer and a serious car accident, when he first moved back to Omaha. Despite the challenges of his first uphill group ride, Harry kept at it. “As I continued on these Thursday night rides, the route changed and it got easier. Through these rides, I was meeting all kinds of people. We would ride for 20 miles to one of the breweries and have dinner, so the ride became a social thing” as well as a physical challenge. Recently the bike mechanic at the shop challenged Harry to ride 30 miles a day for 30 days, and he did it. “I had to make changes if I wanted to have a long life and quality of life,” Harry says. “I want to be doing something every day that excites me. As we get older we need to take a few chances, take some risks and re-enjoy things that we did in the past. It can be as simple and silly as riding fast down a big hill—just flying down a hill.” Take a risk to find a new place in the world According to Dan Tomasulo, Ph.D., who developed the positive psychology curriculum at Columbia University Teacher’s College, Harry realized he was not feeling completely happy in one place. He became aware that if he did not “do something about it he would have to settle, and choice is at the center of transformation.” At the end of the day, according to Dan, “Novelty challenges you to make a deeper commitment to how are you going to fit in. You get to re-create yourself—you may unlock a new aspect of your identity, a hidden talent.” Harry found something else that gives him a leg up on happiness: a crucial sense of belonging. “Harry is an amazing, joyous bright soul and he is super-fun to be around,” Sarah says. “He is a mainstay of the community. Now, if we don’t see him here every other day, we get worried about him.” Luckily they don’t have to worry long; Harry comes into the bike shop nearly every day, usually biking the 13 or so miles from his house. “I get my large coffee and a pastry from the local bakery,” he says. “But this is where the big change comes in: instead of going to the couch like I used to, I take a chair and go to the mechanics area or Sarah’s desk and chitchat. I am a fixture here now, and it’s like a safe haven for me.” A CELEBRATION OF FEMALE EMPOWERMENT “We were trying to create a safe environment for women to play a full-contact sport together,” explains Amy “Electra Blu” Sherman, a founder of the Austin-based Texas Rollergirls league. “We didn’t have any grand aspirations.” The Texas Rollergirls is “like an empowering, fun, athletic sorority and there’s nothing else like it,” Amy says. Derby offers different levels of intensity. If you just want to skate in the recreational leagues, it can be a place to skate and have fun with friends. Some more serious skaters are in it for the athleticism and competition. A new community, a alternate identity Erika Johnson was a mom of two who had just moved to Austin from California when she saw a group of women practicing in a park. “I got a friend to go with me to a primer class and I thought, ‘I could do this,’ ” Erika says. Soon she joined the team The Hustlers, adopted the alter-ego “Bad Influence,” and started wearing a silver-and-purple get-up complete with fishnets and face paint that made her look like a Day-Glo superhero on skates. “At first I thought, ‘I’m 41 years old. Why would they want me?’ The first year was frustrating—I didn’t play as much as I thought I would,” Erika recalls. “But there was always someone there to lift your spirits and make you feel better.” The support she got from her new teammates, and even skaters from other teams, surprised her. “I could ask anyone, ‘How can I get better at this?’ And they would help me. We would have a league-wide practice all together, and we were all supportive of each other.” A league of their own For many women involved in Texas Rollergirls, and in derby in general, the league is their world. People become lifelong friends. When someone gets hurt, Erika explains, the whole league is there to support them with food, help getting to a doctor—taking care of each other. Part of the camaraderie comes from the fact that Texas Rollergirls is a completely do-it-yourself and volunteer run—from cleaning bathrooms to promoting and marketing events. When Amy started skating, roller derby was considered a fringe activity. Now, some schools in Austin and other cities offer roller derby as an afterschool program. “We’ve become part of the culture, and we’ve created this worldwide community,” Amy says. “I can show up in London or Dublin or Japan and and find a like-minded group of women.” What Amy and the Texas Rollergirls started in Austin in the early 2000s—a new kind of at-track derby that is skater-owned and operated—has spread all over the country and the world. You’ll now find teams as far-flung as Tokyo and Toronto, but it all started back in Texas. Leave it all on the track “When you put on the face paint and enter the arena, you can feel the excitement. All eyes are on you. You can get out all your aggressions—leave it all out on the track. The best part is, you can come out and be this different person for an hour, and then go back to being Amy Sherman,” Amy says. And when all is gelling with the other players, there is a synchrony and the team moves like one smooth entity. But, in fact, there is a lot of practice and sweat that goes into that effort. In the words of Mihaly from Flow, “Although the flow experience appears to be effortless…it often requires strenuous physical exertion.” Communal or solitary, “it does not happen without the application of skilled performance.” Don’t underestimate the boost that belonging to a group can bring to your health and well-being: the bowling team, the weekly soccer game, the poker game, the book club. It’s a challenge to schedule fun and joy into our busy calendars. But if that pleasurable social interaction—the one outside work, home and church that stimulates your mind and body—becomes a regular part of your life—you will stick with it. If you’re lucky you may even lose your self-consciousness and achieve a heightened state of communal social flow. So go ahead and join the club! See what kind of joy and flourishing it may bring. Read More: 8 Tips to Find Your Own Tribe and Thrive Emily Wise Miller is the web editor at Live Happy.

Lifestyle

Summer Fun Bucket List

When summer arrives, the mercury rises and it’s time to slow down the hectic pace of life. But before sinking permanently into your hammock, we have a project for you: Tick off some boxes on your bucket list! What, you say—productivity during the summer? But a bucket list is different from a to-do list. It’s a bucket full of all the fun things you’ve always wanted to do. So while you are whiling away your time this summer—or trying to keep the kids entertained during those dog days—try some suggestions from our list below. 1. Take windsurfing lessons With a few quick lessons, you will be up and surfing on your bare feet in no time. 2. Go for a ride in a hot air balloon Do something fun and exhilarating that doesn't require a lot of physical exertion. You'll feel like you're floating on air (because you are), with gorgeous vistas all around. 3. Try out a Zen retreat Imagine several days of meditation, with no phones, no computers...and no talking! 4. Visit Niagara Falls or the Great Smoky Mountains Give yourself a breathtaking view this summer by visiting one of these natural wonders. 5. Chill out at a music festival Summertime and music go hand-in-hand. Find a music festival with a great line-up, get some friends on-board and make a road trip out of it. 6. Host a snow-cone or homemade ice-cream stand Break out the cooler, grab your kids and make some snow cones or homemade ice cream for the other children in your neighborhood. 7. Organize a block party for your street Enjoy a potluck that creates community and fosters friendships. Be that neighbor who gets things going. 8. Get certified for SCUBA diving You don’t need to be near an ocean to get certified, but it will come in handy when you want to make use of it. 9. Turn your yard into an obstacle course for your kids Slip ’n Slides, tires, hula hoops, jump ropes, basketball hoop, mini mud pits and hopscotch in your driveway or backyard can all create a super-fun obstacle course for your kids (and you, too). 10. Sign up for a race in the fall Use summer to train (as a family or on your own) for one of the many fall charitable 5K races in your area. Couch to 5K is a great program if you are new to running. 11. Host a clambake Hosting a clambake at home is easier than you think. But if you don’t have access to good fresh clams or other summery seafood, we suggest a rockin’ backyard barbecue of baby back ribs instead. 12. Fill balloons with paint and have a messy balloon fight Wear clothes you don’t care about and aim at each other, or aim your balloon at giant paper to create your own artwork. Click here for a little tutorial. 13. Tour your own town If you were a visitor in your own town, what would you want to see? Where would you eat? Sometimes the best adventures are right in your own backyards. 14. Ride a roller coaster Whether you are an adult or a kid trapped in an adult’s body, riding a roller coaster might do you some good. 15. Go skinny-dipping Bare it all in nature and take a dip in a lake or a night swim in your pool. 16. Rent a convertible and drive to the nearest beach Turn up the sweet jams on the stereo and feel the wind rush through your hair! Oh, and don't let the kids spill juice on the backseat. 17. Do nothing No, we didn’t run out of ideas for you, we just know you are overdue for a break. When is the last time you did absolutely nothing and just enjoyed silence? Give yourself a little empty space this summer and just bliss out. Sandra Bienkowski is a contributing editor for Live Happy.

Lifestyle

Live Happy at Work

Live Happy is the only resource dedicated to making the science of happiness understandable, relevant and actionable to the everyday consumer. And given that most adults today spend more time on the job than anywhere else and receive from it not just monetary rewards but also the feelings of accomplishment and purpose necessary to good mental health, Live Happy is dedicated to boosting happiness in the workplace. To that end, we have developed a cost-effective program for to easily convey the key practices that directly lead to true fulfillment and a life of meaning—all based on decades of scientific research conducted by positive psychologists and researchers around the world. Our battery of topics explored by expert teams deliver science-based, real-world facts and applications that enhance employee well-being and foster personal happiness that spills over into their work. Email usto create a custom package for you or to arrange to receive one ofour existing packages. Our customizable training and content packages (click for pricing) can include: Training presentations and curriculum (materials for in-house training or featuring Live Happy contributors, writers, researchers): Since Live Happy has relationships with positive psychologists and researchers all over the world, we have been able to consolidate this research into 6 key practices that lead to a life and career filled with happiness and meaning: Attitude, Connection, Engagement & Mindfulness, Resilience, Meaning and Accomplishment. Each practice will be thoroughly but simply described with “action items” for each one—easy practices employees can do to start working their happiness muscle. Customized content: We can supply custom creative content for your email newsletters, company intranet, social media accounts and on-board trainings! We have articles, quizzes, video and audio interviews on a wide variety of happy and wellness-based topics. Training videos: We have access to trainings from many of positive psychologies top experts from simple trainings on gratitude to more complex in-depth information on developing character strengths. Learn about resilience, grit and the power of giving back, and how these skills can affect your authentic happiness. Let us customize a program specific for your company. Podcasts: Our #1 new and noteworthy podcast is educating, enlightening and entertaining. We can develop specific podcasts for your select audience, even interview your internal experts on how you promote happiness in the workplace. Many of our work- related podcasts come with digital work sheets that ask you to do actions after the training. Digital and/or print subscription to Live Happy magazine: Our award-winning magazine weaves the science of positive psychology through inspiring features, relatable stories and sage advice. Each issue is filled with content to assist and teach anyone how to develop a happier life. We also create a unique digital edition version of each issue that is mobile friendly and interactive. Videos: Happiness is a skill and can be taught, tracked, stretched, incentivized and improved. Our partner nCourage offers a series of short-form “how to” and “facts” videos that work on mindset conditioning in under 10 minutes a day. This easy, step-by-step improvement program uses stories and mental triggers that will help individuals create the happiest, most successful lives possible. App: Achieving a healthy state of physical fitness doesn’t happen overnight, so why would developing a positive mental lifestyle be any different? Consistency is the key. With the Feed Your Happy™ app, you can use the built-in reminder system to regularly condition yourself to deliberately, consciously focus on what’s going right in your life and participate in activities that strengthen your happiness skills. Illustrated quotes: We have a database of over 1000 illustrated quotes that we can customize with your brand. Annual employee participation event: In 2012 the United Nations established March 20 as the International Day of Happiness. Live Happy has created the largest awareness campaign of any organization and celebrates by posting giant orange Happiness Walls in cities across the United States during a month-long social engagement called #HappyActs. See what we’ve done! Visit happyacts.org. Email us to create a custom package for you or to arrange to receive one of our existing packages. Remember Happier People make a positive impact on your bottom line More than 30 years of scientific research and experience demonstrates time and again that when companies invest in building and maintaining a happier workforce they enjoy competitive advantages such as: Stronger financial performance—Studiesshow that happier corporate cultures enjoy significantly lower turnover and better financial performance than industry peers. Increased innovation—Employees and teamsare willing to take risks. Mistakes and missteps are treated as valuable learning experiences—conflicts are resolved better and faster. Higher customer, client and patient satisfaction—Employees understand how their actions impact the organization's success andby extending themselves they ensure customers have a good experience. Greater brand recognition—Employees and customers have increased brand loyalty dueto positive interactions, leading to, more recognition for the company and its productsand services. Attracting and retaining top talent—Employees who are given tools to shape their own happiness develop deeper trust in the places they work, stay longer, refer quality candidates and spread the word to potential hires. Increased agility and speed—Employees and leaders in happier workplaces engage in more meaningful and efficient two-way communication, leading to better adaptability, lower resistance to change and faster speed to market.

Smiling woman looking up from a laptop computer.

Positive Psychology

12 Top Positive Psychology Courses You Can Take Online

What brings a sense of purpose to our lives? Why is gratitude such an important factor in well-being? How can I be happier and bring a sense of authentic joy to those around me? Positive psychology is a fascinating field, but most of us aren’t able to set aside the time and money necessary to study for a master's or Ph.D. in the subject. Luckily technology has made it easier than ever to learn about the science of happiness since the days when Tal Ben-Shahar taught one of the first courses on the subject—and one of the most popular ever—at Harvard University, along with Shawn Achor. Information about positive psychology and well-being has now become much more widely available. Below are some of the best courses and certificate programs on positive psychology that you can access without having to leave the comfort of your own desk. 1. UPenn Positive Psychology Center Martin Seligman and the University of Pennsylvania's acclaimed Positive Psychology Center have coordinated with Coursera to create a five-course online certificate program called Foundations of Positive Psychology. The five courses offer an overview of the field, with insights into such topics as grit and character. They will be taught by regular UPenn MAPP (Masters in Applied Positive Psychology) professors including Angela Duckworth, Ph.D., and James Pawelski, Ph.D. For more information, click here. 2. Barbara Fredrickson Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., a psychology professor at North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Director of the PEP (Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology) Lab, and one of the founders of positive psychology, is an expert in the area of love and connection. You can get a taste of her research from her books, Positivity and Love 2.0, and articles, and now by taking her six-week MOOC (massive open online course) “Positive Psychology” on Coursera. The course includes discussion of concepts such as loving kindness and “positivity resonance,” as well as “practical applications of this science that you can put to use immediately to help you live a full and meaningful life.” For more information, click here. 3. Greater Good Science Center The Greater Good Science Center is a nonprofit research institute that provides excellent information and cutting-edge research on the psychology of well-being through its website, newsletter and books. They also offer a free online course called “The Science of Happiness” taught by University of California, Berkeley’s psychology professor Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., and Emiliana Simon-Thomas, Ph.D., the center’s science director. These two experts lead students through the fundamentals of positive psychology, such as why social ties are so important to well-being, the benefits of daily happiness practices and the new science of awe. You must register for the course, and it begins on a specific date (September 6, 2016), but you can take it at your leisure—as long as you finish within six months. The course (also a MOOC), taught on the EdX platform, is open to everyone, but for undergraduates, there is a midterm, final exam and class credits. Everyone else gets quizzes, polls and “emotional check-ins.” For more information, click here. 4. The Flourishing Center The Flourishing Center, founded by Emiliya Zhivotovskaya, offers a certificate in applied positive psychology (CAPP) program in locations all over the United States and Canada with a focus on flourishing, resilience, coaching and mentoring. Faculty include UPenn MAPP graduates, published authors and Live Happy writers such as Louisa Jewell, Louis Alloro and Carin Rockind. The Center has recently added an online option that covers the same curriculum as the in-person course and that has students connecting live online twice a week for 36 weeks. The online course is geared toward international students who don't have access to the in-person courses; however, exceptions are made. An application and interview are required for acceptance. For more information, click here. 5. The Big Know The Big Know, which partners with Life Reimagined—an AARP company, is a fantastic resource for free and low-cost online courses taught by some of the most respected experts in the mindfulness and happiness realms (many of whom have been featured in Live Happy). You can study “Brain Power: How to Improve Brain Health” with Wendy Suzuki, Ph.D., “Mindfulness and Meditation” with Richard Davidson, Ph.D., “How to Bring More Joy to Your Life” with Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., and the list goes on. Other instructors include Blue Zones' founder Dan Buettner and stress expert Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. It is truly a gold mine of quick and easy access to expert teachings on happiness—done through video—available at your fingertips. For more information, click here. 6. Profit from the Positive If you are a business owner, coach or executive who would like to bring the power of positive psychology into your workplace, this is a great place to start. Margaret Greenberg and Senia Maymin, Ph.D., co-authors of the book Profit from the Positive (and Live Happy columnists), have put together a 5-week online certificate program of the same name that teaches leaders and executive coaches how to harness the science of happiness in order to increase team productivity, decrease turnover, put employees’ strengths to work at the office and increase the bottom line. The class unfolds over the course of ten 90-minute live video sessions with Margaret and Senia and includes all editable slides and worksheets with no licensing fee and membership in a growing international community of positive psychology practitioners. Live Happy readers can receive a 20% discount off of registration using the promo code: LiveHappyNow. For more information, click here. 7. Pursuit of Happiness Pursuit of Happiness is a nonprofit organization led by prominent psychologists and educators such as Paul Desan, Ph.D., director of psychiatric services at Yale New Haven Hospital, and Todd Kashdan, Ph.D., professor at George Mason University and co-author of The Upside of Your Dark Side. They promote positive psychology by disseminating information and offering an online certificate course called “The Psychology of Happiness,” which is taught by Desan and other experts, including Dan Tomasulo, Ph.D., who created the positive psychology curriculum at Columbia University Teacher’s College. The course, which comprises two live webinars, emphasizes practical implementation of the latest scientific findings in the happiness realm. For more information, click here. 8. Shawn Achor and Michelle Gielan Happiness expert, best-selling author and Live Happy columnist Shawn Achor has teamed up with Oprah Winfrey to create two 21-day courses on happiness. The first is called “21 Days to a Happier Life,” and the second is “21 Days to Inspire Happiness Around You.” The first class includes a happiness assessment, a discussion of daily happiness habits and creating a personal happiness formula. In the second class, students expand their happiness reach by learning about acts of kindness, increasing social bonds, inspiring positive change in others and sharing that happiness with the wider world. Michelle Gielan, Shawn’s wife, business partner at GoodThink Inc. and the author of Broadcasting Happiness, teaches a quick and inexpensive online course to help you improve positive communication and leadership called “Broadcasting Happiness.” For more information, click here. 9. Harvard University Extension Courses in the extension school are generally not taught by Harvard professors. They are, however interesting online courses that cost a whole lot less than enrolling at Harvard. The course catalog changes, but as of 2016, you could sign up to take “The Science and Application of Positive Psychology,” taught by Stephanie Peabody, Psy.D., Executive Director of the International Mind, Body, Health and Education Initiative. This is a general introduction to the concept of positive psychology, including "its implications for physical health and well-being." For more information, click here. 10. Via Institute on Character The nonprofit Via Institute on Character was created 15 years ago under the guidance of clinical psychologist Neal Mayerson, Ph.D., and positive psychology founding father Martin Seligman, Ph.D., in order to bring the benefits of “strengths theory” to as wide an audience as possible. Known primarily for its incredibly useful strengths survey, the institute also offers online courses, webinars and personalized coaching on such topics as “Character Strengths at Work,” “Positive Relationships and Character Strengths” and “Creating a Strengths-Based Life.” Courses are taught by Ryan Niemiec, Ph.D., education director at VIA and a licensed psychologist, and Donna Mayerson, Ph.D., lead consultant for applied practice at VIA and a licensed psychologist. For more information, click here. 11. Wholebeing Institute Run by happiness scholar and expert Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., the Wholebeing Institute is devoted to educating the public about positive psychology, mindfulness, spirituality and the happiness movement. Taking a page from Martin Seligman's PERMA model for well-being, Tal has developed the acronym SPIRE to describe the mission of the Wholebeing Institute: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Relational and Emotional. The Institute offers a certificate program at two-day in-person retreats with a changing roster of locations, as well as a variety of courses that you can access online. Self-directed courses are taught over five weeks and include video lectures from Tal. Subjects range from “Introduction to Positive Psychology” to “Mind-Body Connection,” “Relationships” and “Positive Psychology in Coaching.” For more information, click here. 12. University of Missouri Some universities—such as the University of Pennsylvania in particular—are well-known for their masters programs in positive psychology. The University of Missouri, however, offers a certificate in pos. psych of 15 class credits that is done completely online. The program entails a core course plus several electives. It is important to point out that this is a certificate, not a terminal or “higher” degree. It may be a good choice for someone who would like to further an existing career or perhaps become a life coach. For more information, click here. Emily Wise Miller is the web editor at Livehappy.com.

Attractive middle aged couple leaning against each other.

Self-Care

8 Ways to Thrive in Midlife and Beyond

American society values beauty and youth. It’s a fact of life. Look at any movie—Hollywood or independent, it doesn’t matter—magazine (aside from AARP), or television show (Golden Girls went off the air a long time ago, people) and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a gray hair or wrinkled brow among them. And the portrayals you do see of older people are often hackneyed stereotypes of asexual, grouchy killjoys or someone having a midlife crisis. Change the script about getting older “Let’s change the conversation about what getting older means,” says women’s health expert Dr. Christiane Northrup in her book Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being. “Our culture tries to tell us how to move through time and tell us we only have so much time left,” she writes. She suggests rewriting the script by realizing chronological age just measures time, and by calling it getting older, not aging. “Getting older is inevitable, but aging is optional,” she writes. Let’s look at how we can challenge what we are told about age in our culture to have a more positive mindset about getting older. 1. Stop calling it a midlife crisis We should probably save the word “crisis” for the real deal and not for another pass around the sun. Plus, the bulk of research shows that there may be a shifting of gears in the 40s or 50s, but it’s often one of renewal and exhilaration, not crisis, writes Barbara Bradley Hagerty in her bookLife Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife. 2. Break routines Thrive later in life by using your foundation—your experience, resources and sense of self—to take risks aligned with your purpose. Midlife can be about renewal: taking the time to renegotiate your purpose, refocus your relationships, and transform the way you think about the world and yourself, Barbara explains in her book. 3. You don’t have to do (or not do) something based on your age Christiane says you don’t have to cut off your hair at a certain age, wear dowdy clothes or stop thinking of yourself as a useful, contributing member of society. She suggests looking for ageless role models like actress Helen Mirren, writer Margaret Atwood or singer Mavis Staples. Companies sometimes take for granted the contributions of older workers—especially women. But some research suggests that people who continue to work into their golden years can experience a greater sense of happiness, meaning and well-being than those who fully retire. Websites such as LifeReimagined.org and Encore.org are ready to help you make the most of your third act. 4. Try not to brand yourself negatively Always talking or posting about your latest ache or pain means you are dwelling on the negative, which can be a slippery slope to acting a lot older than you are. Practice having a positive mindset about your age by focusing on and being grateful for what your body can do. 5. Keep old friendships and form new ones We are born as social creatures and our need for meaningful relationships doesn’t diminish with age. No age is too old to make new friends. A close network of friends to share life’s burdens with can keep you healthier and living longer. Long-term studies have shown that our social connections can even stave off heart attack, stroke and depression. 6. Challenge what you see on TV Go to a dance club with your 40-something friends. Run your first 5K in your 50s. Start a business in your 60s. Or enroll in a class to learn a new skill at any age. Test your limits, try new things and talk about yourself with vitality and strength so you can feel that way, too. 7. Invest in your physical and mental health Exercising, doing your newspaper’s crossword puzzle or writing poetry all can help you retain cognitive function as you get older. Weightlifting helps retain muscle and bones; and cardiovascular exercise improves your heart function, your mood and the appearance of your skin. 8. Switch up how you celebrate your birthday Christiane suggests that we stop celebrating milestone birthdays because “the milestone becomes a millstone.” Instead, she suggests having “a celebration of your worth….Celebrate triumphs and the moments when you didn’t think you’d make it and did.” When you engage in life with a youthful mindset, it can open your life up to many exciting possibilities. You can challenge preconceived notions about your age and help change perceptions about getting older. While family history and environment have an impact on overall health that is beyond our control, when it comes to aging, “belief trumps genes,” Christiane says. Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO ofTheMediaConcierge.net.

Self-Care

Country’s First Dog Adoption Café Opens in LA

If you are searching for the happiest place in Los Angeles, be sure to stop by a unique new café in Silver Lake. The first official canine coffee bar in the U.S. is called simply The Dog Cafe; the space allows you to get your caffeine fix while playing with adoptable pooches from local shelters and rescue centers. The café is the brainchild of Sarah Wolfgang, a Korean-American pet lover who lived in South Korea during her teens and early 20s. “In Korea, dog and cat cafes are very common,” Sarah says. “They’re a great date spot or a family activity.” But the mission of Dog Café, she says, goes beyond merely providing a couple of hours of entertainment. “The Dog Café is totally reinventing the way people connect with homeless dogs. We want to provide an opportunity for people to see these dogs—many of whom have been abused or abandoned—in their true light and appreciate how adoptable they really are.” Coffee, tea or Fifi? Dog Café guests get an hour of playtime with the pups, along with a coffee, tea or lemonade for a $10 entrance fee. To comply with health regulations, the beverages are dispensed in an adjacent storefront but you can bring your drinks with you when you enter the doggie lounge. On a recent weekday, a dozen dogs were hanging out at the café, along with half as many two-legged guests. Bart and Lisa, Dachshund-Jack Russell siblings who are named for The Simpsons characters, were spooning contentedly on a sofa. Betsy, a mix of cattle dog and Welsh corgi, sat blissfully in the lap of a coffee-sipping patron while nearby a Yorkie-Pinscher mix and Papillon-Chihuahua played a spirited game of tug with a rope toy. All the dogs here are friendly, but they have their quirks, like shyness or not wanting to be picked up. “We don’t take in the most adorable, cuddliest dogs,” Sarah says. “It would be silly for us to pull dogs from shelters that would be easily adopted without our help. Instead we look for dogs that have been in the shelter for more than a month and may need some socializing.” This is doggie rehab, a halfway house for pups. We’re giving second chances to the dogs who most need it.” In the six weeks since The Dog Café opened, nine pooches have found permanent homes, with several more adoptions pending. Not everyone who visits the café is interested in adopting a pooch. “Some people use the café as therapy after a loss,” Sarah says. “Others may not be able to have a dog at home but they want to experience puppy love. And the more often they come in, the more the dogs recognize them and show that love.” Read more: 5 Ways Our Pets Make Us Happy Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy.

How to Raise Happy Kids

Expressing Themselves

5 Ways to Spark Joy at Work

8 Tips to Find Your Own Tribe

Find Your Tribe

Summer Fun Bucket List

Live Happy at Work

12 Top Positive Psychology Courses You Can Take Online

8 Ways to Thrive in Midlife and Beyond

Country’s First Dog Adoption Café Opens in LA

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