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The Promise of Positive Education

A 2011 University of Pennsylvania study followed 300 students through a year of middle school, measuring their good and bad feelings (depression, positiveemotion, life satisfaction) and how teachers rated their classroom behavior.The study found negative emotions (depression and anxiety) did not predict academic achievement, but positive emotions actually did. Students in the positive group had higher grades thatkept increasing the next year.In particular, researchers concluded, character strengths are the “mostpromising lever for increasing academic achievement.”The most promising leverNot your GPA. Not whether you can ace standardized tests. Not your IQ.Not whether you come from a two-parent home, listened to Baby Mozartas an infant and spent your Saturdays at museums. Not how many homes youbuilt for Habitat for Humanity or hoursyou practiced basketball on an actualcourt instead of in front of an Xbox.Now, let’s not ignore those typicalmeasures, as some of them may beindicative of character strengths. If youare in the top 5 percent of your class,scored a 2100 on your SAT, or are thestar player on your basketball teambecause you get up at 6 a.m. every dayto practice, it’s likely you are resilient…or “gritty” as researchers say.Grit is just one of many characterstrengths positive psychologyresearchers are focused on these days,but it seems to be the one gaining themost headlines.It owes much of its newfound fame toAngela Duckworth, Ph.D., an associateprofessor of psychology at Penn Stateand a 2013 recipient of the MacArthurFoundation “genius” grant for herresearch on grit and self-control as traitsthat predict success.Angela is co-developer of the “GritSurvey,” a 22-statement evaluationthat is quite predictive of futuresuccess with questions like “I do notalways finish what I begin” and “I amdoggedly persistent.” The test measuresperseverance for long-term goals andcan predict grade success at selectiveuniversities, retention at elite military academies (better than the U.S. MilitaryAcademy at West Point’s own tests) andranking in a national spelling bee.Angela’s mentor is Martin E.P.Seligman, Ph.D., who took psychologyin a completely different directionas the founder of “positive psychology,”studying what makes people happyinstead of what makes them need Prozac.“[Angela’s] notion of grit seems toencompass—to varying degrees—thecharacter of perseverance, self-regulation,zest, curiosity and hope,” says MarkLinkins, consultant for educationalpractices at the Values in Action Instituteon Character in Cincinnati. “It seemsthat grit is the nearest thing we have to a‘secret sauce’ for success. When we lookat the list of those who have achieved great success… in their respective fields, it is evidence that talent alone doesn’texplain much.“Grit is what sustains dedication to atask across time. Without that sustaineddedication, we may have bursts ofinspiration and creativity, but such shortbursts only rarely create anything oflasting value.”Grit researchJane Gillham, Ph.D., co-director of thePenn Resiliency Project, contributeda chapter on resilience to the Oxford Handbook of Happinessreleased inJanuary2013. She reports thatAngela and Martin’s research in2005 found that self-discipline wasa stronger predictor of adolescents’grades than their IQ. She also notes that research from 2009 by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health ServicesAdministration showed programs thatteach coping, problem-solving skillsand social competence also improvedspecific academic cognitive skills,grades, standardized testing scoresand graduation rates.In addition, she found that two-thirds of U.S. adults thinkschools should educate studentson their social, emotional andbehavioral needs.“When people think about resilience,”Jane writes, “major adversities typicallycome to mind. For example, the childwho performs well in school and whodevelops close connections to others, despite enduring years of abuse andneglect. The process of resilience isalso reflected in positive adaptation in response to everyday stresses (conflicts with peers, low marks in school) andcommon life transitions (the birth of asibling, the break-up of a relationshipduring adolescence).”Jane advocates integrating lessonson grit and resiliency in schools—notjust as a by-the-way mention by a well intentionedteacher, but explicitly as partof the curriculum.Gregory Park, a post-doctoral fellowstudying positive psychology at theUniversity of Pennsylvania, recentlypublished a white paper on wellbeingand achievement that draws heavily fromthe research by Martin and Angela.Gregory discusses the perseverancepiece of the predictive puzzle: “Inparticular, the strengths of self controland perseverance are powerfulpredictors of many of the desired outcomes from students, inside andoutside of the classroom. These nonintellectualstrengths are related tothe capacity to delay gratification andsustain effort through difficult tasks.”Martin and Angela’s researchshows self-control and perseverancepredict grades, absences, at-homestudy habits, classroom conduct andhomework completion.So why isn’t resiliency a class just likegeometry? Some schools are workingon that.Austin ISDLast Halloween, a huge section ofAustin, Texas, was flooded. Five peopledied; 8,500 homes lost power; morethan 500 homes were damaged; and Perez Elementary School closed fortwo days.When the school reopened Mondaymorning, counselors were on-siteto help the kids process what hadhappened. The district’s Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) coach wasthere, too.Sherrie Raven, director of thedistrict’s SEL department, remembersthe students telling stories about howthey waited on top of their houses forboats to rescue them.“The kids were able to say, ‘I was really scared but I used my deep breathsto calm down’ or ‘I used my self-talk to say I’m going to be OK, I can staycalm,’ ” Sherrie says. “It’s one of thebest examples I’ve seen of the resiliencethat we’ve helped build in these kids.They had the grit and self-awareness tosay, ‘I’m going to be OK. I’m not goingto panic.’ These are little guys, and theyhave that language.”Now, language isn’t better grades.But this is evidence to Sherrie thather program is on the right track.And research looking at 213 SEL programs (250,000 students) agrees.Gregory writes that when resilience is taught in the classroom, grades and standardized testscores increased by 11 percent.Positive social behaviors and attitudesabout school, self and others increased9 percent. Andadolescent depression, anxiety andconduct problems decreased by 9 percent.Research from SEL and the PennResiliency Program (a school-basedintervention that is an offshoot of theuniversity’s resiliency research) has shown that“school-based interventions can havereal, lasting effects on student wellbeing,”Gregory writes.SEL centers on five guiding principles:self-awareness, self-management,social awareness, relationship skills andresponsible decision-making.From elementary through high schoolAustin ISD, the academic home to87,000 students, is among the first publicschool districts in the nation to bringSEL into the school day. The departmentopened in July 2011 and beganintroducing SEL into its vertical teamstructures (elementary schools that feedinto middle schools, which feed intohigh schools). The five vertical teamsleft will be included within the next twoschool years.The first two high schools tointegrate the SEL curriculum in Austinhad a very clear reason why: One had11 deaths on its campus within a year—some natural, some accidental, somesuicides. The other had seen promisingstudents drop out of college aftergraduation because they didn’t havethe grit to continue, “the ability to say,‘That really sucked but I can move on,’ ” as Sherrie describes it.Rudolph “Keeth” Matheny is anSEL instructional coach at one of thoseschools, Austin High School. Here’s one of his grit lessons: Take a piece of paperand draw a big square. Divide that intoquarters. Divide those into quarters.How many squares to you have?“The non-gritty say 16 and put theirheads down,” Keeth says. “Kids who aregritty see the whole thing is a square,so 17. And I guess each of the boxes is asquare, so 21. Then there’s a square inthe middle, so 22. Then each side hasfour more, so 26. There are three-by-three squares, four of those, so thereare 30.“I give a prize to the kid who findsthe 30 squares.Was it intelligence that enabled this student to see how many squares there were? Was it that he knew the answer? No. What caused him to accomplish this task differently than everybody else in the room? The answer is he persevered. He was willing to challenge himself to push through to find more squares. That’s what grit is.” More than 200 teachers have visited Austin ISD’s SEL program in the past year, observing what teachers like Keeth are doing. SELs don’t call such lessons “character,” as Martin, Angela and other researchers do. But the life lessons are quite similar.“We have a lesson in kindergartenon how we feel feelings in our bodies.Anger feels different than embarrassed,”Sherrie says. “In middle school, we havelessons about whether bullying can everbe an accident. In high school, we talkabout setting goals and making plans.All along the way, you have lessons inmanaging your own emotions. How do you handle anger, disappointment?How do you keep going? How do you joina group on the playground? How do youuse self-talk to keep going on somethingthat’s hard?”That’s where the grit comes in.“Your classroom teacher can say inmath class, ‘When I get to a problemthat makes me really want to give up, I really have to use some self-talk to say:‘I know how to do this. I can do this,’ ”Sherrie says. “Having the classroomteachers introduce the curriculumreally lets us work on that integration of learning throughout the school.”Austin’s goal is to eventually have“self-talk” on the day’s agenda, just likefractions. For now, though, the skills are woven into traditional academic lessonsas they are written by theSELteam.For example, while working on a scienceexperiment, students are instructed towork on making sure everybody gets aturn to talk. At the end of the lesson,students are asked to rate themselves ona scale of 1 to 5 on how they did withletting everyone talk and are asked torate their groups.“We make it visible,” Sherrie says.Resilience at KIPPTrinity Mann is in her second year at theKIPPInfinityMiddle School in New York City. The sixth-grade student struggledat her previous magnet school, so much sothat her confidencewas shaken, says hermom, Nicole.“If she would take a test and felt she gotone wrong, she was defeated,” Nicole says.“And for the rest of the test, even if sheknew the material, she’d already given up.”Nicole called it Trinity’s need to “snapback.” The Knowledge Is Power Program(KIPP) calls it her grit.Dave Levin and Mike Feinberg foundedKIPPin a Houston public school classroomof 47 kids in 1994. Today,KIPPis a publiccharter school with 141 campuses nationwide,serving 50,000 students in 20 states andWashington, D.C.KIPProlled out a morestructured character strength program inNew York City in 2009.KIPPfocuses on the seven characterstrengths Dave developed with Angelaand Chris Peterson, Ph.D.: grit,zest, self-control, social intelligence,gratitude, optimism and curiosity.Trinity has lessons in grit onTuesdays and Thursdays. But she usesthose lessons every day, according toher mother, who says she’s seen an 80to 90 percent improvement in Trinity’sability to snap back since she startedattendingKIPPInfinity. She shows gritin everything from math to dance.When Trinity was in the fifthgrade,she told her nonfictionteacher atKIPP she didn’t feel confident about her classwork. “He pushed me to dobetter, and I actually made a goodgrade,” she says. “And that wasmy goal.”Why is grit important to her?Because she wants to get into a topcollege, not just a college. That’s just what Dave had in mind back when hecreated the character program.“We always said our mission wascharacter and academic skills for collegeand life,” Dave says. “Anyone who spendsany time teaching or with kids knowsthat issues like self-control and grit andgratitude are important things to talk tokids about. Yet, we really didn’t know thescience behind it.”That was until Dave met Martinand Angela. “We’re working on goingbeyond the language of grit and lookingat the actual behaviors associated with it….I think that reallyclarifiesfor people what grit really means,” Dave says.KIPP focuses on fivegrit-specific behaviors: finishwhat you begin,stick with an activity for more than afew weeks, try hard after failure, staycommitted to goals and keep workinghard, even when you feel like quitting.“What you’re really trying to get kids to do is understand that there are repeatable behaviors that they can do to be gritty,” he says. “You’re alsotrying to work with teachers on how to structure your classroom and yourschools to create situations where kidsget to do these repeatable behaviors.For example, do students haveenough structure to sustain rigorous,independent practice in class—timeby themselves or with another student,working independent of a teacher—tokeep going?”Specific to Angela’s research,KIPPschools are asking teachers to increasethe amount of independent practicewithin their lessons and to work onbuilding stamina for reading.“That requires workingindependently with focus, not givingup when you get frustrated,” Daveexplains. “We’re intentionally teachingkids strategies to build their stamina,while, as the kids get older, we’reteaching them short- and long-termgoal-setting. When kids receive theirtests back in, say, math class, some ofour teachers are having kids creategoals for the next week: ‘How am Igoing to study for next week’s test?What am I going to do differently?’"VIA Institute onCharacterMartin’s work with VIA resultedin the classification of 24 characterstrengths.KIPP narrowed the 24 down to the ones with the strongest correlation toacademic achievement. VIA’s approach is similar, but focuses on the concept of “signature strengths.” “Each of us has a unique constellation of strengths,” VIA consultant Mark explains. “How can we help each student and teacher understand their own strengths profile? How do they use that profile to learn, achieve, connect with others? Ourapproach is respecting the individualcontent of each person’s character andshining a light on that.”The Newark Boys Chorus School,Shanghai American School and BellaVista Elementary School have usedVIA’s character strength approach.Jennifer Fisher, who taught first grade at Shanghai’s American Schoolwhen the school introduced VIAcharacter strengths into the curriculum,started the conversation during readingtime, highlighting strengths in thepicture book’s characters: “A word like‘perseverance,’ it’s a very big word. Butif you explain it to them and that itmeans you keep trying and you don’t give up, they’ll remember theword—‘perseverance.’ ”Mark doesn’t necessarily thinkgrit is more important for academicachievement today than it was 50 years ago. Students today facedifferent challenges. “While I think the ‘grit formula’ hasalways been in play, it may have greaterrelevance for students today simplybecause the opportunities to make one’smark seem to be somewhat more limitedthan they were at one time, due totechnology, a shrinking workforce, etc.,”he says. “When competition increases,perhaps grit becomes a more valuablecommodity. From an evolutionarystandpoint, this certainly makes sense.”Can You Make KidsMore—or Less—Gritty?Resilience education, as taught throughthe Penn Resiliency Program, focuseson six strengths: emotional competence,self-control, problem-solving anddecision-making, social awareness,social competence, self-efficacy andrealistic optimism.Gregory’s research indicates resiliencyis at least malleable, “making it a primetarget for interventions.”“The breadth of places where grit hasproved impactful is really incredible,”Dave says. “There are differentchallenges faced at different ages inpeople of different backgrounds, butsome of these character skills remain thesame. The frustrations and challengesaffluent kids or low-income kids facemay look different from time to time,yet both sets of kids need to be ableto get over their frustrations, to workindependently and focus. I think that’swhy Angela’s research is so powerfuland why so many people are so into itright now.”Are overly involved “helicopterparents” parenting in a way that’s counterproductive to the importance of developing grit in their kids? Maybe.“One way to think about it thatI share with parents and teachers isthat it is always safe to fail around thework kids are doing,” Dave says. “It isalways safe for kids to make mistakesin the essay they’re writing or the mathproject they’re doing or when learning to play the piano or violin. Mistakes areactually there for learning.”Sherrie agrees: “It is critical we teachthe kids, ‘You can do this yourself.’ ”In April, Austin ISD’s Keethspoke at a congressional hearing inWashington, D.C., hosted by theCommittee for Children on the topic ofteaching character strengths like grit inschool. His goal was not for parents towish their kids were in his classroom,but that his lessons were in everystudent’s classroom.“Everybody is all about the commoncore, math scores, biology scores,” hesays. “They don’t realize that it’s lessonslike this—like grit and mindset—thatmake all of those things better. Whenyou teach a kid to persevere, that you’renot born with math skills, that kidachieves way more. And that’s whenscores go up.”

Positive Psychology

Turning Toward Compassion

When confronted with a roomful of people, have you ever stopped and scanned their faces, looking for signs of pain that might be right in front of you? After a decade in senior leadership roles around the world, I realize there have been plenty of times when I've sat in meeting rooms looking for who was interested, who was bored and who was most likely to be a team player. But I’m not sure I ever took in the faces around me with a focus on compassion.I simply didn’t understand the power that the simple act of compassion can have in organizations, and if I’m honest, I’m not sure I had the confidence to pull it off.Why does compassion matter at work?Compassion was perhaps once thought of as “soft” or even inappropriate in an organization, but according to the Harvard Business Review,a growing number of companies are now embracing compassionate management, and it appears to be a strategic investment that’s helping them outperform their competitors.In fact Professor Jane Dutton from the University of Michigan, whom I recently interviewed, notes that a growing body of research shows that when we experience compassion at work—whether we are the recipient, the giver or merely a bystander—increases our feelings of commitment to the organization and our levels of engagement. It may also improve our willingness and ability to work well with others.As a result, organizations that practice and encourage compassion are finding that this one mechanism can help them to acquire and keep talent, improve collaboration, enhance customer service and perhaps boost innovation capabilities.These are all outcomes my managers expected me to achieve over the years, and yet compassion was certainly never listed on any of my job descriptions.How can such a simple act be so powerful?Perhaps Professor Peter Frost from the University of British Columbia, shed the most light on this for me when he noted, “There is always pain in the room because suffering is pervasive.”Suffering may be the result of life-changing circumstances, such as the diagnosis of serious illness, the loss of a loved one or the termination of a much-needed job. At other times pain comes from smaller situations such as the anxiety of failing projects, the scarcity of organizational opportunities, or the ongoing uncertainty of our ability to meet targets.Despite the prevalence of pain, most of us have become pretty good at covering up how we’re feeling at work. We’re scared to be vulnerable, and are sure we’re expected to carry on and produce regardless of how we may be feeling inside.Yet research shows when we open ourselves up to experience compassion, it helps us to make sense of what's happening and improves our sense of psychological safety. This helps us grow into people who are more resilient, more connected to each other and who are ultimately healthierand happier, despite the pain.Studies also suggest that practicing compassion creates spirals wherein those on the receiving end are subsequently better able or more likely tocare for and be supportive ofothers.I couldn’t help but wonder why none of this had never been covered in any of the countless sessions of leadership training I’d attended.So what can you do to be more compassionate at work?The good news is researchers have found we’re born to notice, feel, interpret and respond to the suffering of others, rather than turn away from it.“Rather than worrying about fixing someone’s pain, simply taking the time to see their pain, to inquire, to empathize and to listen without judgment, can be an act of compassion at its best,” explained Professor Dutton.After learning all of this, as I started taking the time to see the pain in the room, and to create space for people to talk and to just listen, I was surprised how much positive change could be created through this one simple act.Next time you have the chance, stop, look and notice. The world could do with a little more compassion.

Positive Psychology

Making Time for Creativity

For the Live Happy staff, we don’t just write, post and talk about happiness—we incorporate it into our lives. As our first team Act of Happiness, we took the advice we gave you in “Let It Go” in the June 2014 issue of Live Happy magazine and rediscovered our artistic sides by visiting a local art studio. One Wednesday afternoon, our entire Dallas team turned off their computers and picked up paintbrushes. For many of us, this was the first time we’d painted something other than a wall in years. But by simply putting paint to canvas, we began to see why happiness really is a natural byproduct of being creative—in fact we experienced it firsthand!While our whimsical trees came to life, adorned with birds and flowers, laughter filled the studio and we learned things about each other that tend not to come out when you’re working in an office. Whether it was through the quotes we added (see if you can find the two paintings with quotes), the choice of painting style (check out web editor Emily Miller’s painting, front and center) or how we interpreted the instructor’s guidance (look at the tree branches), our personalities came out with each stroke of the brush.Today, our paintings decorate the Live Happy office, reminding us that when things seem hectic and deadlines are looming, sometimes the most productive—and positive—thing we can do is step away and express our creativity.How do you express your creativity? Tell us in the comments below.

Positive Psychology

New Issue of Live Hapy Magazine Reveals How Compassion Can Improve Wellbeing

Dallas, TX – May 6, 2014 – Considered one of the greatest virtues, compassion – the feeling of empathy for others – is the theme of Live Happy magazine’s May/June 2014 issue that hits stands today. Live Happy is the first ever lifestyle magazine to balance the science of positive psychology with the art of application, and as the new issue reveals, recent studies and scientific research confirm that people who practice compassion receive an array of benefits that go beyond simply feeling good.While Live Happy has offered in-depth celebrity interviews in its previous issues, this month marks its first celebrity feature cover with actor Chris O’Donnell. In “I am Happy,” O’Donnell, considered one of the nicest guys in show business, shares how he maintains his happiness throughout his life’s hectic journey, even with the demands of his large family and booming career.“May and June are the two months we celebrate mothers and fathers each year, and strong personal relationships between parents and children are a key ingredient to happiness,” adds Nickell. “Because of this, Live Happy not only share Chris’ insights on parenting, but also ways to thank parents and those in our lives – with something even as simple as giving a hug.”As always, Live Happy offers the “Live Happy Now” section and this month’s “Top Ten” article features the Top 10 American Summer Destinations. In addition, this issue’s “Profile” features the Dalai Lama on why he believes happiness, love, and compassion go hand in hand. Continuing its mission to make 2014 the “year of happiness” and empowering its readers to achieve authentic happiness by helping to incorporate practical tools into their lives, this issue of Live Happy also features 31 ways to “Be More Compassionate in May,” and readers can go to livehappy.com for 30 ideas on how to make June a month of giving as well.The May/June issue also marks bestselling author Gretchen Rubin as a regular Live Happy columnist. In her first column, the happiness expert shares her six tips for “Nurturing a Happy Family,” all of which personally help her be the parent she strives to be – from getting enough sleep, to living by the “one-minute” rule, to remembering to cherish each day.In addition, with summer vacations right around the corner, this year, instead of returning more stressed than when one left, columnists Michelle Gielan and positive psychology expert Shawn Achor share their tips for an energy-boosting vacation in “Tripped Up.” Being happy and well-vacationed should lead to a positive outcome, which will in turn benefit one’s work, company, and ultimately him or herself. In addition to his contribution to Live Happy’s current issue, Shawn also sits down with Oprah Winfrey on OWN’s Super Soul Sunday for a 2-part interview on May 25th and June 2nd to discuss his steps for achieving happiness.This issue’s feature article “Listening with Your Heart” explores new scientific studies and data regarding compassion: what it is, what it triggers in the human body, and how it affects each of us both physically and emotionally. The article also examines existing evidence that through breathing and meditation, individuals can actually change the brain’s biology to increase the acts of kindness that it triggers.The May/June issue of Live Happy features a myriad of other inspiring articles and features that reflect the theme of compassion as well, including:“The Promise of Positive Education” reveals evidence that character strengths such as grit, perseverance, and resilience have actually proven to be stronger predicators of success than IQ or the type of home someone grows up in.“Changing Lives” explores the mutual benefit of mentoring. Individuals, young and old alike, that have a caring mentor in their world usually do better in life, and having access to such an individual provides opportunities for mentees to achieve their goals and interests, and help them flourish.Not only can a quick siesta enhance one’s mood, but as “Nap Your Way Happy” reveals, a little daytime downtime can offer tremendous health benefits as well. From improving memory, to reducing stress, to strengthening the immune system, this article is a must-read for anyone who doesn’t want to feel guilty about briefly curling up on the couch.In “Embrace Your You,” regular columnist, psychotherapist, and relationship expert Stacy Kaiser offers a few easy steps that can help readers rid negative thoughts to embrace and nourish a more positive and accepting image of their own bodies.As every article in the May/June 2014 issue of Live Happy reveals, practicing self-compassion and kindness towards others are among life’s most important and rewarding experiences, and will profoundly help readers in their ever-evolving pursuit of happiness.# # #About Live HappyLive Happy LLC is dedicated to promoting and sharing authentic happiness through education, integrity, gratitude, and community awareness. Headquartered in Dallas, Texas, its mission is to impact the world by bringing the happiness movement to a personal level and inspiring people to engage in living purpose-driven, healthy, meaningful lives.Media Inquiries:Rachel AlbertKrupp Kommunicationsralbert@kruppnyc.com(212) 886-6704

Well-Being

Step-by-Step Guide to Compassion Meditation

Below is a step-by-step set of instructions on how to practice compassion meditation, from members of the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism training team. For more about Compassion Meditation, see our companion article with audio, as well as the June 2014 issue of Live Happy magazine.1. Create a spaceIt might be a small room in your home or an outdoor garden where you won’t be disturbed, or anywhere you can find a few moments of quiet. If you have a regular practice space, make it beautiful—bring in images, smells and sounds that are meaningful to you.2. CommitBegin by committing to 5 to 10 minutes of meditation once a day, and plan to expand it to 20 minutes once you feel comfortable slipping into meditation. Studies show that the more time you spend in meditation, the more compassionate you become.3. Feel your natural rhythmFind a comfortable place to sit and take a posture that is straight but not overly rigid. Take a few deep breaths, then let your breath settle into its own natural rhythm. Take a minute or two to settle into your body, lightly focusing your attention on the physical sensations of the breathing process.4. Think about the people in your lifeOnce you are settled, think about all the people in your life who love and support you. Now, think about the ways in which you, too, play a supportive role in the lives of countless others. Let your mind abide in this awareness of interconnectedness for a little while.If you are doing a self-guided compassion meditation, you might think of someone with whom you are irritated or frustrated. Picture the person in your mind if you are a visual thinker, or just focus on your sense of that specific person. Consider that this person has a desire for a life imbued with purpose, work that is meaningful, relationships that are supportive. Consider this person’s web of social connections—the people they are important to, and how much these people care about them. Think of their rich, textured life experiences, including their disappointments and successes.5. Listen to your bodyNotice how focusing your attention on this person shows up in your body. Take note of the kind of physical sensations you are experiencing. What is the emotional undertone?Turn your attention toward your own inner experience with a sense of curiosity. Perhaps your reflections are enhancing a sense of connection to the person or perhaps the opposite. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Simply notice, with curiosity. You can stay with this exploration for as long as it feels comfortable for you. If you are a new meditator, this could be three to five minutes; if you are experienced, you might stay longer.6. Feel your connection with othersAs your meditation practice draws to a close, let your heart and mind be touched by the feeling of common humanity and connection with others, and rest your attention on the natural rhythm of your breath.7. Extend your awareness back into the worldWhen you sense you’re nearing the end of the time you’ve set aside, take a few minutes to make a conscious transition into the space you’re in, sensing the temperature of the air on your skin, feeling the floor beneath you. Take your time and experiment with seeing how you can carry the continuity of your awareness forward into the activities that you move into next.8. Tinker and find your wayOnce you’re comfortable with the basics of a compassion meditation, think about how you might personalize it. Adapting practices to fit your values, your language and your inclinations is important.With time, this kind of practice should help us learn how to reach past that moment of discomfort in which we turn away from those who need our help.Do you have a specific method to your meditation? Tell us about it in the comments, below.

Well-Being

31 Days of Compassion

Do, see, read and think about the ideas on our list, and then share your favorites!1. Read Tuesdays with Morrieby Mitch Albom.2. Watch Forrest Gump.3. Mentor someone.4. “We are each made for goodness, love and compassion. Our lives are transformed as much as the world is when we live with these truths.” —Desmond Tutu5. Listen to your children.6. Watch Soul Surfer.7. Read How to Heal a Broken Wingby Bob Graham.8. Visit a retirement home and spend time with the residents.9. “The dew of compassion is a tear.” —Lord Byron10. Volunteer to read books for children at the library.11. Listen to your wife.12. Walk the animals at a shelter.13. Read The Toothby Avi Slodovnick.14. Donate blood.15. “The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” —Albert Schweitzer16. Do one thing your spouse frequently asks you to do (before they ask).17. Watch Patch Adams.18. Read Compassion Haiku: Daily insights and practices for developing compassion for yourself and for othersby Karl Grass.19. Bake a cake for an elderly neighbor, even if you don't know them well.20. “I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose....When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds.” —Ellen DeGeneres21. Send a handwritten note of encouragement to someone who's going through a difficult time.22. Read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Areby Brene Brown.23. Listen to your husband.24. “Our human compassion binds us the one to the other—not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future.” —Nelson Mandela25. Watch Gandhi.26. Tell a veteran thank you.27. Read Cultivate Compassion: A Buddhist Perspective by Jeffrey Hopkins, Ph.D.28. Donate food to a food pantry or shelter.29. Watch Schindler’s List.30. Read The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challengesby Paul Gilbert, Ph.D.31. Volunteer at a local Literacy Center.

Teenager rolling her eyes, parents in background

relationships

Overparenting Anonymous

I’ve written these steps to provide encouragement to well-intentioned, devoted, loving, intelligent parents who feel powerless to stop themselves from overindulging, overprotecting, and overscheduling their children. Parents who get jittery if their offspring aren’t performing at a high level in every area. And parents who have unwittingly allowed traits like self-reliance, resilience, accountability and a spirit of adventure to slip to the bottom of their parenting priority list.1. Don’t confuse a snapshot taken today with the epic movie of your child’s life.Kids go through phases. Glorious ones and alarming ones.2. Don’t fret over or try to fix what’s not broken.Accept your child’s nature even if he’s shy, stubborn, moody, or not great at math.3. Look at anything up close and you’ll see the flaws.Consider it perfectly normal if you like your child’s friends better than you like your child.4. Work up the courage to say a simple “no.”Don’t try to reach consensus every time.5. Encourage your child to play or spend time outside using all five senses in the three-dimensional world.How come only troubled rich kids get to go to the wilderness these days? Send your kids to camp for the longest stretch of time you can afford. Enjoy nature together as a family.6. Don’t mistake children’s wants with their needs.Don’t fall for a smooth talker’s line about the urgent need for a cell phone “in case of an emergency, Mom!” or a new car “because it’s so much safer than your old van.” Privileges are not entitlements.7. Remember that kids are hardy perennials, not hothouse flowers.Let them be cold, wet, or hungry for more than a second and they’ll appreciate the chance to be warm, dry, and fed.8. Abstain from taking the role of Sherpa, butler, crabby concierge, secret police, short order cook, or lady’s maid. Your child is hard-wired for competence. Let them do things for themselves.9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, preach, or over-explain, say to yourself “W.A.I.T.” or “Why am I talking?”Listen four times more than you talk.10.Remember that disappointments are necessary preparation for adult life.When your child doesn’t get invited to a friend’s birthday party, make the team, or get a big part in the play, stay calm. Without these experiences she’ll be ill-equipped for the real world.11.Be alert but not automatically alarmed.Question yourself. Stop and reflect: Is this situation unsafe or just uncomfortable for my child? Is it an emergency or a new challenge?12.Learn to love the words “trial” and “error.”Let your child make mistakes before going off to college. Grant freedom based on demonstrated responsibility and accountability, not what all the other kids are doing.13.Don’t be surprised or discouraged when your big kid has a babyish tantrum or meltdown.Don’t confuse sophistication with maturity. Setbacks naturally set them back. They set us back too, but we can have a margarita.14.Allow your child to do things that scare you.Don’t mistake vulnerability for fragility. If you want her to grow increasingly independent and self-confident, let her get her learner’s permit when she comes of age; don’t offer a nuanced critique of her best friend or crush.15.Don’t take it personally if your teenager treats you badly.Judge his character not on the consistency of in-house politeness, clarity of speech, or degree of eye contact but on what teachers say, whether he’s welcomed by his friends’ parents, and his manners towards his grandparents, the neighbors, salespeople and servers in restaurants.16.Don’t automatically allow your child to quit.When she lobbies passionately against continuing an activity or program that “isn’t how I thought it would be!” it’s tempting to exhaust yourself selling him on the benefits. Instead remind yourself that first impressions are not always enduring; that a commitment to a team or group is honorable; and that your investment (of time and/or money) is not to be taken for granted. But do take her reasoned preferences into account when making future plans.17.Refrain from trying to be popular with your children just because your parents weren’t as attuned to your emotional needs as you might have wished.Watch out for the common parental pattern ofnice, nice, nice…furious!18.Avoid the humblebrag parent lest you begin to believe that your child is already losing the race.Remind yourself that kids’ grades, popularity or varsity ranking are not a measure of your worth as a parent (nor theirs as people). Recognize that those other parents are lying.19.Wait at least 24 hours before shooting off an indignant email to a teacher, coach, or the parent of a mean classmate. Don’t be a “drunk texter.”Sleep on it.20.Consider the long-term consequences of finding workarounds for the “no-candy-in-camp-care-packages” rule.If you demonstrate that rules are made to be broken and shortcuts can always be found, you have given your child license to plagiarize or cheat on tests.21.Maintain perspective about school and college choices. Parents caught up in the admissions arms race forget that the qualities of the student rather than the perceived status of the school are the best predictor of a good outcome.22.Treat teachers like the experts and allies they are.Give your child the chance to learn respect. It’s as important a lesson as Algebra 2. Remember how life-changing a good relationship with a teacher can be.23.Praise the process and not the product.Appreciating your child’s persistence and hard work reinforces the skills and habits that lead to success far more than applauding everyday achievements or grades.24.If you want your child to be prepared to manage his future college workload and responsibilities, take care before you hire a tutor, a private coach, or college application consultant.There’s no room for all of them in a dorm room.25.Rather than lurking, snooping, sniping or giving up, practice sensible stewardship of your child’s online activities.Evaluate her level of self-respect and good judgment in other areas.26.Treat ordinary household chores and paid jobs as more important learning opportunities than jazzy extracurriculars. With real-world experience, your child will develop into an employable (and employed) adult. That said, accept that older children will get chores done on AST (Adolescent Standard Time).

Self-Care

Fit for Happiness

As a fitness instructor, motivational speaker and lifestyle coach, Chalene Johnson has heard it hundreds of times: “If I can just lose 20 pounds, I’ll be happy.” Or, “I’ll be happy once I getback in shape.” The problem is, she says, it doesn’t work that way.“Most people assume that if they can achieve their physical goals, they’ll be happy. So they go to extreme measures, and either they fail because the goal was too big, or they succeed at their goal, but find out it doesn’t change how they feelabout themselves—so they still perceivethemselves as failing.”While setting personal health and fitness goals is important, believing thathappiness will come from reaching thosegoals can set someone up for failure. “Happiness never comes from theoutside,” Chalene says. “It comes froma combination of all areas of our lives.Certainly, a lot of people start from theoutside, but it is the other changes theymake in their lives along the way thattruly make them happy.”She says working on fitness goals mayhelp put other areas of life in balance. Forexample, people may work fewer hours orspend less time in front of the television;they might start eating healthier mealsand make better choices. As all of those different areas of their lifebegin aligning, they are less likelyto self-medicate with food oralcohol—and as a result, theyfeel happier overall.Chalene’s observations, whichcome from more than 20 years of fitness and lifestyle coaching, havegrowing scientific evidence toback them up. Tim Sharp,Ph.D., executive coach,clinical psychologistand adjunct professorat the University of Technology, Sydney, Business School and RMIT University & School of Health Sciences, is alsofounder of The Happiness Institute,based in Sydney. His research theory, called “The Primacy of Positivity,”proposes that practicing the principlesof positive psychology and doing what isnecessary to create a happy life must bethe first step—not the end result.Taking such an approach “will boostmotivation and energize a person tothen do more of what they need to do,such as live a healthy life,” he says. “Allof these principles are very possible before goal attainment.”Delaying HappinessThe belief that happiness comes from reaching goals can actually have a negative effect on people, creating what Tim calls “the tyranny of when.” “[This] is the phenomenon resulting from a group of related thoughts and beliefs associated with imagined and seemingly desirable, but currently unreached, goals,” he explains. “For example, ‘I’ll be happy when…I have more money, a bigger house or a better job.’”In a paper published in theMarch 2011 edition of Coaching: AnInternational Journal of Theory, Researchand Practice, Tim explains how “thetyranny of when” can thwart goals andlead to a range of problems, includingnegative and self-defeating emotions.When someone is operating under“the tyranny of when” and fails toreach a goal, they may have already talked themselves out of being happy.As a result, any success or progressthey might have made on the way toreaching that goal is discounted. Forexample, instead of being happy aboutlosing eight pounds and celebrating thataccomplishment, someone might bedisappointed because they didn’t losethe 10 pounds they had intended.As a countermeasure, Tim isamong those who propose a newapproach that challenges the traditionof working toward goals. He arguesthat achievement and success are moreattainable if happiness and positivity arecreated first.“So even if happiness is not anexplicit goal in and of itself, it shouldstill be seen as a highly useful means toa desired end.”Reversing theThought ProcessShawn Achor, author of the books Before Happiness and The Happiness Advantage says the practice of attaching happiness to a goal or accomplishment is “scientifically broken" and believesit interferes not only with our overallhappiness, but with our outcomesand success.“Every time you record a victory,your brain changes the goal post of whatsuccess looks like,” he notes, addingthat it means we will always need a newaccomplishment to continue feelingsuccessful. However, research Shawnhas conducted at Harvard Universityindicates that the level of happinesscreated by the success doesn’t change orincrease with each success; it remainsthe same.In other words, greatersuccess does not, by itself, translate togreater levels of happiness.“But flip around the formula,prioritize creating a positive brain inthe present, and suddenly, every singlebusiness and educational outcomerises,” he says. “Raise happiness levelsin the present and your success raterises dramatically.”Successfully reaching personalweight and fitness goals requiresbecoming realistic about what one wantsto accomplish, and about the result thatreaching that goal will have.“Part of the frustration that canoftentimes come from trying to speedtoward certain goals is that sometimesthose goals are irrational,” he says.“Start with a realistic assessment ofwhere you are, but maintain the beliefthat your behavior matters in thepresent: ‘Can I work out today?’ ”That’s a simpler and more attainablegoal than vowing to exercise six days aweek.Looking at the goal in smaller,bite-size pieces makes it moremanageable, and creates more victoriesto celebrate. It also helps us stay positiveand makes us less likely to berateourselves if we have an “off” day,knowing it can be compensated for thenext day. Becoming more realistic andstaying committed while not makinghappiness contingent upon the outcomeare important shifts in thinking thatallow us to accept ourselves morereadily—and be able to celebrate theaccomplishment of simply takingbetter care of ourselves. And, bestof all, pursuing a healthier and more fitlifestyle will automatically supporteach individual’s personal questfor happiness.Which Comes First?Dr. John Ratey, an associate professorof psychiatry at Harvard and the authorof the book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain explains that exercise and happinessgo hand-in-hand. The challenge liesin getting people to recognize its many benefits and stop looking at it merely as a tool for physical attractiveness.“There’s a feeling among many people that exercise is work, and that’s a problem,” he says. “They see it as a chore or as work instead of seeing it assomething that has tremendous benefits to them. We are such a push-button,immediate digitalized response world that we demand change immediately,and that’s our downfall when it comes to exercise. If people are using thisto improve their outward physicalappearance, they know it’s going to takesome time.”However, he says anyone whoexercises can enjoy immediate benefits,even though they aren’t necessarily the kind of results that will show up on thescale in the morning.“People talk a lot about endorphinsthat are released through exercise,but that is just part of it,” John says.“When we begin exercising, we almost immediately begin releasing dopamine,norepinephrine and serotonin. Thoseare all neurotransmitters that deal with feelings of reward, alertness,contentment and feelings of wellbeing.”Even more importantly, the brain begins to secrete something known as “brain-derived neurotrophic factor,” or BDNF, a protein that is associated with the growth and development of neurons within the brain. John calls BDNF “brain fertilizer,” noting that it has been proven effective in combating both depression and anxiety, and even has been successful in fighting substance abuse issues.Exercise: The Stress Killer“In general, it allows us to combatstress hormones directly within thebody, but also to combat outsidestresses overall. And all of those thingscontribute to our feelings of happiness.”John says the key to enjoying a fitnessregimen—and therefore, increasing theodds of staying with it—is to understandthe immediate benefits it creates andbegin appreciating what it can do in theshort term rather than focusing on long-termbenefits.“People know that it’s going to havelong-term effects; it can fight depressionand Alzheimer’s and help them loseweight,” he says. “But we’ve become tooaccustomed to only placing an emphasison the physical. There are tremendousimmediate emotional and cognitiveeffects to exercise.”Maintaining a commitment to fitness can create a sense of mastery and pride in accomplishment—while at the same time, triggering a series of positive neural responses within the brain. It can lower blood pressure and blood sugar levels in just a few minutes, and it improves mood and enhances the quality of sleep. John says it doesn’t matter what the activity is; regardless of whether it’s yoga, CrossFit, weightlifting or Zumba, any exercise that stresses and challenges the brain will engage it immediately and set the benefits in motion. In fact, he notes that the brain is more engaged during exercise than it is during any other activity—including studying.“The thing that people need to thinkabout is that they are doing somethingto make them feel better today,” Johnsays. “When you exercise and increaseyour overall feeling of wellbeing fortoday, you’re going to feel better abouteverything that happens that day. You’regoing to feel happier overall.”A 2013 study by Katherine M.Appleton of Queen’s University inBelfast, U.K., published in the Journalof Health Psychology further illustratesJohn’s point. Her study showed thatregular exercise helped people feelbetter about themselves and theirappearance—even when there wereno obvious outward physical changes.Participants were divided into twocontrol groups; one group spent 40minutes reading six days a week, theother group spent that same amount oftime exercising. Neither group showedchanges in their appearance, but at theend of the study, the exercise groupshowed marked improvement in theirbody image, while the reading groupshowed no change in their body image.Katherine wrote that her study“confirm(ed) current theories of bodyimage, where changes in body imageare mediated by body perceptions asopposed to actual body indices.” Whatshe saw firsthand was that exercisecan help improve body image and mindset, even if no weight was lost or ifmeasurable improvements were made inthe shapes of their bodies.Katherine’s findings are similar tothose being made by other psychologistsand scientists around the globe.Many experts today believe that thelink between physical activity andhappiness is inextricably linked,and that exercise is a way to unleashhappiness—something that could play apivotal role in helping people reach theirpersonal health and fitness goals.Reaching Realistic GoalsHarvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., who teaches a course on positive psychology, frequently preaches a gospel of exercise to induce and maintain happiness. “Physical exercise, three times a week, is equivalent to some of our most powerful psychiatric drugs in terms of its effect on depression and anxiety,” he said during the PBS television program, Life (Part 2).He has frequently been quoted as saying avoiding exercise is the equivalent to taking depressants. And Niyc Pidgeon, a U.K.-based positive psychologist specializing in physical activity, sport and exercise, has created a performance pyramid similar to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to illustrate the formula for reaching optimal performance in life. Her model places “mindsets and optimism” as the essential foundation for building other necessary characteristics such as self-awareness, positive emotions and emotional intelligence.“Choosing an [optimistic] mindset can be fundamental in developing, enhancing and maintaining performance,” she says. “Optimism is associated with more positive and authentic relationships, better physical health and a longer lifespan.”What emerges is a sort of chicken-and-the-egg question between exercise andhappiness. Exercise is proven successful in releasing stress, unleashing feel-good chemicals in the brain, and enhancing mood and motivation. At the same time, those who see the results of exercise as thepath to their happiness may find themselves disappointed, disillusioned—and ultimately unsuccessful at both finding happiness and reaching their goals.“If you solely focus on your physiqueand that outcome, you’re going to bedisappointed,” concludes Chalene.“You have to find what makes you trulyhappy in life first. You have to create thatbalance in your life. Otherwise, you willstay on this hamster wheel of trying to behappy forever.”

Self-Care

A Happiness Backlash?

Is the "happiness movement" creating a league of shallow people and overindulged kids? Lately, there has been an explosion in both the science and celebration of happiness, as well as a focus on the tools we can use to help ourselves and those around us gain a better sense of wellbeing. You might say that happiness is in the air: In best-selling books, loads of articles and even our own magazine and website. And, of course, it is now also stuck in everyone’s heads, thanks toPharrell'subiquitous song. It's not surprising then that this critical mass surrounding positivity and an emphasis on happiness at home and in the workplace is producing something of a backlash. After all, a focus on happiness can come across as saccharine and shallow. But boiling down the tenets of happiness to a search for hedonistic pleasure would be a huge misreading of the movement. Happy overload Last week columnist David Brooks came out with a piece in The New York Times suggesting that instead of seeking to avoid suffering by being “happy,” we should embrace it as an opportunity for growth. While beautifully written and cogently argued, I think it misses the point. “Over the past few weeks,” he says, “I’ve found myself in a bunch of conversations in which the unspoken assumption was that the main goal of life is to maximize happiness.” But with all this focus on happiness, says Brooks, we are missing out on the true growth that occurs when we embrace, instead of avoid, suffering. Being happy does not mean avoiding suffering “Happiness wants you to think about maximizing your benefits,” Brooks says, whereas “difficulty and suffering sends you on a different course….Suffering drags you deeper into yourself” and “gives people a more accurate sense of their own limitations.” He gives a mocking example of what he imagines a happiness expert might advise someone who is suffering: “Well, I’m feeling a lot of pain over the loss of my child. I should try to balance my hedonic account by going to a lot of parties and whooping it up.” But finding or embracing happiness does not mean whooping it up to forget our sorrows. Divorce, death, illness, injury—we will all experience suffering. What's important is not to arrange your life so that you never take risks or keep away from those under the weight of suffering or tragedy. What's important is how you bounce back, grow and help others recover and rebound after going through a turbulent time. The tools of positive psychology—gratitude, compassion, resilience, optimism—are indispensable when it comes to recovering from trauma. Raising ‘happy’ kids On April 16, an article on The Huffington Post by Richard Weissbourd, a lecturer at the Harvard School of Education, and associate professor Stephanie Jones offered a similar critique, this time suggesting that “behind this relentless focus on happiness is an intense focus on the self” and that “happiness doesn't automatically lead to goodness.” Exactly. In fact, happiness research has shown that it is the other way around—that being kind, compassionate and giving to others actually makes us happy. “With parents and kids, this focus on happiness and the self has real consequences,” the article continues. “Kids are allowed to skip out on obligations to teams and groups because participation no longer makes them happy; they are free to (or even encouraged to) drop friends who are annoying, weird or just not fun; and they sometimes treat the adults in their lives like staff or as invisible—neglecting to thank them or show appreciation.” Again, I would argue that the authors have it backward. An increasing number of studies show that raising happy, well-adjusted kids requires a focus on responsibility and respect, among other attributes, which then leads to wellbeing and happiness. Responsibility and respect build self-esteem In fact, the authors echo many happiness experts and the themes of our own Acts of Happiness campaign when they write that we need to model behavior for our children by “contributing to our communities, taking action against injustice, making even small sacrifices regularly for friends and neighbors.” They continue by saying “the data suggest that moral and caring kids tend to be happier kids and adults” with a link to the author’s own research and book. But that same conclusion has also come out of the positive psychology camp, with its emphasis on “The Meaningful Life” as the most important attribute of happy people. According to leading positive psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman, in a meaningful life, “Meaning is increased through our connections to others, future generations or causes that transcend the self. From a positive psychology perspective, meaning consists of knowing what your highest strengths are, and then using them to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” Look beyond the smiley face I understand the temptation to recoil and play devil’s advocate in the face of all this glowing positivity, giving rise to books like Barbara Ehrenreich’s Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining Americaand Oliver Burkeman’s The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. After all, we are critically thinking, doubting, sometimes-suffering people who could do without a bunch of easy, cheesy homilies and “Kumbaya” drum circles to tell us how to feel. But don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. A focus on how we can make ourselves and others happier, including science-based recommendations for increasing our wellbeing, does not entail steering clear of suffering, nor does it mean going to more parties or letting your kids do whatever they want. The critics have a point in the sense that a singular focus on happiness can seem to gloss over some of the deeper and more painful aspects of our personalities. But they need to read further than the titles of articles and, according to Brooks, the “more than 1,000 books released on Amazon on that subject [happiness]” in one three-month period. The pursuit of happiness is easy to poke fun at, but if we think less about ourselves and more about our connections to others in the community and the world, the closer we’ll get to that goal.

relationships

The Dynamic Communicator

The ability to communicate effectively and thoughtfully empowers each of us with skills for greater happiness and success. While communication can be learned and refined over time, it is important to remember that we have been picking up communication experience from the beginning of our lives, when we moved around and kicked in the womb—as if to announce, “I’m here!” Born to communicate Ask any woman who has ever been pregnant, and she will immediately recall her delight at the sensation of receiving that first message from her unborn child. When we are born, we cry. Our first verbal communication with the world says, “It’s cold, and the lights are too bright!” From our first breath, we are trying to communicate: I am here. I exist. These are the same fundamental desires we all carry with us throughout our entire lifetimes. As we grow, our caregivers help us refine the way we ask for things, and hopefully, teach us how to communicate clearly, speak and listen effectively, and learn to balance the needs and wants of ourselves with the needs and wants of others. Going from so-so to dynamic While trying to learn effective skills to communicate, we succeed and stumble along the way. As kids, we demand and react. As teenagers, we push boundaries and act out, and higher thinking and advanced communication skills come into play as we learn to negotiate with our parents and teachers. Over time, our communication style becomes influenced by our friends, bosses, intimate relationships and co-workers. As an adult, you have probably settled on a communication style you are comfortable with. Now, I want to encourage even more growth and suggest that you go from good to great—from being a reasonably effective communicator to a dynamic communicator! (Take this quiz to find out what kind of communicator you are.) Dynamic communication is an ever-evolving art and is the ability to consciously interact and react thoughtfully. Once you get past the baseline of basic talking, everything else can be learned, practiced and improved throughout your life. If you practice these skills enough, they will become part of who you are. Dynamic communicators are more thoughtful; they have very little conflict in their lives, and they get more of what they want out of every situation and relationship because they’ve mastered how to get it! Now, doesn’t that sound appealing? The skills you need: • Recognize that how you communicate sets the tone for how the world sees you and treats you. • Learn to respond consciously. Think before you react. • Listen to your grown-up voice, logic and rationale and refuse to allow your past history to influence your present behavior. • Keep yourself—and others—in check. Apologize, walk away and take the higher road for good. • Don’t bring up 20 things that happened in the past—with anyone. Focus on the here and now, and move forward. • Care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being right. Gifts of the dynamic communicator Life, unfortunately, is full of intense, high-drama situations where even the best communicators are put to the test—not to mention the small day-to-day annoyances such as rude waiters, indifferent salespeople and sarcastic co-workers. As dynamic communicators, we must be alert to the red flags in ourselves and others that might lead us down the road to a bad experience. What I’ve noticed in years of counseling clients is that a common hindrance to dynamic interaction is the need to be right. You have to care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being heard, being louder, winning, getting the last word or being right. A dynamic communicator lets go of the need to win. The real winning comes from a successful relationship, not scoring points. You want to win the war, not fight endless battles. Ultimately, dynamic interaction leaves both people walking away feeling satisfied or happy. One or both may have compromised during the process, but neither is walking away upset, hurt or feeling that he got short shrift. A dynamic communicator knows when the time has come for that long overdue talk or when to walk away and cut communications altogether or which tool to employ along the way so it doesn’t come to either of those extremes. If you don’t know which tool to use, you can certainly say, “I need to think about this.” Then talk to friends, reflect, get advice and then get back to the person you want to speak with. Better communication means closer relationships In the end, when you have worked on becoming a dynamic communicator, learning to interact thoughtfully and effectively with others, you will find that the road to happiness is smoother and easier to find. And, as an added bonus,you’ll have relationships and dialogues that are deeper, more meaningful and significantly more satisfying.

The Promise of Positive Education

Turning Toward Compassion

Making Time for Creativity

New Issue of Live Hapy Magazine Reveals How Compassion Can Improve Wellbeing

Step-by-Step Guide to Compassion Meditation

31 Days of Compassion

Overparenting Anonymous

Fit for Happiness

A Happiness Backlash?

The Dynamic Communicator

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