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60 Seconds to Happiness

Vin called in during the taping of my new radio series, 60 Seconds to Happiness. His problem: He feels jealous each time he looks at his Instagram feed because staring back at him are pictures his girlfriend posts while she is out having fun and he is stuck at work. The pictures typically show her goofing off at a bar with her girlfriends, but sometimes also with guys whom Vin doesn’t know. Even though he trusts her, he feels a twinge in the pit of his stomach and doesn’t know what to do. My radio series promises to help people make 1-minute habit changes that will increase happiness. Interestingly, an overwhelming percentage of callers needed help with their social media habits, including feeling down after even just a few minutes on Facebook or spending more time online than they have to spare. I turned to the research for answers as our understanding of social media is changing so rapidly. Hundreds of studies assess our relationships with sites like Facebook and Snapchat and specifically which habits predict greater happiness both online and offline. A former University of Pennsylvania research colleague who is now a senior lecturer at the University of Melbourne, Margaret Kern, Ph.D., led a meta-analysis of the 70 best studies and found a handful of clear themes. I’ve included questions after each big idea and offer a strategy for you to try. 1. Social media is not a mood booster. Not one study found that significant use decreased depression and anxiety. For those battling depression and anxiety, which globally is 4.7 percent and 7.3 percent of people, respectively, turning to social media to feel better doesn’t work. Eight studies found that social media use is directly linked to depression, while 16 others found a nonsignificant connection. If you are feeling lousy, social media can expose you to experiences that make you feel even worse, such as negative news, cyberbullying or an overload from other people’s highlight reels. Ask yourself: When you’re feeling down, do you get on social media to try to make yourself feel better and does that work for you? If not, is there an offline activity that might be better, like going for a walk outside or calling a friend? Take a break: Get off social media for one week. Do it! It’s rejuvenating. Now that it’s summer, go out into the world and make memories. Take pictures. Experience life. The upside is that this will most likely give you more interesting, meaningful things to share with friends when you’re back online. Read more: Is Everyone Having Fun Without Me? 2. Social comparison is toxic. Whether you envy celebrities’ awesome lives or judge someone who gets fewer “likes” than you, social comparison creates real misery and false happiness. According to the meta-analysis, social comparison is a big risk factor for depression and anxiety. One study found that more frequent negative social comparisons on Facebook were connected to an increase in rumination. This makes sense since comparing ourselves to others can fan the flames of rumination. Ask yourself: Do you engage in social comparison? If so, is it often with the same people? Clean your feed: Hide people who post negative news so you can make social media a happier place. You can get your news elsewhere. And hide people whom you compare yourself to like celebrities or that always-perfect neighborhood mom. Stop torturing yourself! Let your feed bring you joy, not pain. Setting yourself up for success is a form of self-love. Listen to our podcast, Positive Communication With Michelle Gielan 3. Happy people connect. Using social media is associated with lower levels of loneliness and greater feelings of social connectedness, as well as higher levels of life satisfaction and self-esteem. This doesn’t necessarily mean that using social media makes you happier, but that people who have high levels of happiness and self-esteem also typically use social media as an additional form of connection. Social connection is one of the greatest predictors of happiness we have from our research, so the more we can create it, the better off that makes us. Ask yourself: Do you use social media to deepen friendships? Do you make meaningful comments on friends’ pictures and posts? Do you share pictures and posts instead of merely reading other people’s posts? Connect meaningfully: Use social media to meaningfully connect with your friends by sharing pieces of your life and thoughtfully responding to theirs. Liking everyone’s pictures in your feed doesn’t count. I’m trying to follow these guidelines, too. When I do log on, I try to make it count by making a point to really connect with people I care about. Read more: Let Technology Life Your Life Vin agreed to stay off social media those nights he was away from his girlfriend. He also told her how he felt. Her response was incredible. She replied that while she looked like she was having a blast, she also missed him. Just hearing that made him feel so much better. And guess how long he said the conversation took? You guessed it…just 60 seconds to happiness! Join me @MichelleGielan on social media, where I share happiness resources, including where to listen to our new radio series, 60 Seconds to Happiness! SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with more than 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and the author of the book Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.

relationships

5 Essential Factors for Raising Resilient Kids

In my personal interactions with parents, I am often asked the pressing question: “How did my child end up this way?” How is my child so happy? So helpful? So cautious? So aggressive? This extends to specific personality traits and behaviors, both positive and negative. Based on my experiences as a parent, coupled with my years studying child development as a professional, I have found that both nature and nurture play a role in shaping individuals. Nature is what people are born with in terms of temperament, intelligence and abilities. Nurture refers to influences from the environment, both immediate (like family and community) and more removed (like societal norms and expectations). Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, “Children Learn What They Live,” does a great job expressing my point of view regarding the external influences that profoundly affect children’s development with lines such as these: If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient. The concept is quite simple: The actions, words and environment that children are exposed to significantly influence who they are. If they are raised with a healthy dose of positive and motivational experiences, they have a stronger likelihood of being happy, healthy, resilient, positive people. Lead by example There are many ways that we, by example, can contribute to our children’s positive learning. Sometimes our teaching is intentional. We teach our children the importance of good nutrition by taking them to the market and encouraging them to help prepare and enjoy healthy meals. We introduce them to exciting adventures and opportunities to show them the benefits of exploration and being open to new experiences. Lessons can also be more subtle. Our children learn from watching how we interact with others. If we apologize for our mistakes, hold the door for someone in a wheelchair or carry someone’s bag for them, we teach our children the importance of doing so. Similarly, if we grab our children by the arm aggressively every time they misbehave, we are teaching them that getting physical with a person when angry is acceptable. Consider these five essential factors in determining the extent to which children learn what they live: 1. Safety Abraham Maslow, a pioneer in the field of child development, stated that safety is the foundation for anyone to accomplish anything. If we do not feel safe, it is difficult to function and therefore meet our basic needs. Safety refers to both physical and psychological indicators, ranging from having a physically safe school or home to emotional abuse and bullying. It also refers to a feeling of emotional comfort to take risks and be adventurous, knowing that there is a solid, safe place to return to after trying something new. 2. Balance Giving children a sense of balance and teaching them how to juggle the ups and downs of life is an essential life skill. The “everything in moderation” philosophy is taught by example and reinforced by parents, and if executed well, can have profound and positive influences on the way children live their lives. Some cake is perfectly fine to eat, but the entire cake or cake every day can be unhealthy. 3. Role modeling Children learn both healthy and maladaptive behaviors from observing those around them. For example, when children see parents brushing their teeth every morning and evening, they learn good oral hygiene habits. Psychological behavior, like having a positive attitude or taking things in stride, are also learned by example. Conversely, one client’s son picked up on her practice of speaking in a very loud voice, which started to cause problems when it was interpreted negatively by his teachers and coaches. 4. Adventure and openness to new things Interest and curiosity are the foundations of knowledge, growth and change. Infusing our children’s lives with opportunities to try new things will teach them to take risks, enjoy the thrill of adventure and push themselves to grow through exploration. 5. Acceptance of self and others Every day, I meet with people who are unhappy with who they are and the people around them. Sometimes their unhappiness stems from real issues that need to be changed, but people—both adults and children—also struggle with things they have little control over. There’s the boy who has to study twice as hard as his peers to get good grades in math, the girl who despises her curly hair, the painfully shy child who dreads birthday parties—they all struggle with aspects of themselves. As parents, we need to emphasize acceptance as a cornerstone of learning. Those of us who are better at practicing self-acceptance are happier, more motivated, more resilient and more likely to be successful. While life poses many challenges, we have choices in how we tackle them. We teach our children valuable and powerful lessons from how we live our lives. We should be mindful of the degree to which our conduct teaches children about life, their places in society, their futures and their values. Creating safe, balanced, accepting environments for our children will enhance their happiness, successes and resiliency. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

4 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship

My longtime friend Sara has been what most would call “happily married” for 10 years. She and her husband both work outside the home; they have one child and a couple of pets. Lately, she told me, she and her husband fall into bed at night, exhausted, and he leaves in the morning before she wakes up. Every weekend is filled with kid-related activities and household chores. Sara loves her husband but feels like they’ve become more roommates than partners. They rarely talk about anything other than “life logistics,” and their romantic life consists of an occasional goodbye kiss on the cheek or a tap on the shoulder. Don't neglect your primary relationship Sara’s situation is one I hear often in my practice as a therapist. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the chaos of everyday life that we miss out on truly connecting with our partners—the ones who we are supposed to connect with most! Based on my experience, the No. 1 reason couples disconnect is not because they’ve grown apart or are too busy but because they don’t invest the time and energy necessary to stay connected. The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia in a 2012 study tested the importance of being connected in a relationship. Specifically, they found that date nights and designated couple time improved the success and quality of a relationship and even worked toward reducing stress. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win Even small connections count Of course, many of the couples I speak to claim that they simply do not have time for quality couple time. While taking a vacation alone together or spending three or four hours out on a regular date night are lovely ideas, something simpler can work almost as well. I’ve found that couples who take 20 to 30 minutes to connect three times a week with no distractions and no electronic devices are able to build a greater bond and feel many of the benefits of those who invest more time. As a first step, grab a glass of wine or a cup of tea and sit together on your porch or tucked into bed and just talk about things you are interested in or excited about. Avoid stressful discussions about money or dirty dishes left in the sink. Relationships are like any other important living thing—they need to be attended to, nurtured and cared for in order grow and thrive. Here are four ideas for you to start down the path of reconnection. 1. Create rules of connection When life gets busy, making plans to connect on a regular basis is key to reigniting and maintaining your intimate relationship. One couple I know cuddles every morning and every night they are together. This has become part of their routine, and even though sometimes they are both tired or rushed they set the alarm five minutes early or go to bed five minutes later to make sure that this happens. Another couple always walks the partner who is leaving to the car and gives a parting hug and kiss at the car door. This one extra minute of time is a nice way to connect before heading in separate directions. 2. Build in spontaneity and adventure While scheduled “together time” is important, you can also mix it up and keep things exciting with activities that are fun and spontaneous. Surprise your partner with a gourmet breakfast in bed. Crank up some great music and have an impromptu dance party in the middle of the kitchen. If you are more adventurous, train together for a marathon or try river rafting or bungee jumping as a weekend outing. 3. Make flirtation and intimacy a priority Send each other flirty texts or look through old photos of when you first met. Plan a date to go bowling or cruise Main Street to relive some of your first outings together. When it comes to sex and intimacy, find time for moments when you allow yourselves to get close physically—even if it is simply giving each other shoulder massages before bed. Couples always ask me about my view on scheduled intimacy, and I tell them that scheduled closeness is much better than no physical closeness at all! 4. Be interesting and interested One great way to connect with your partner is to be genuinely interested in what that person is thinking, feeling and doing. When your mate is in the mood to talk, ask questions, discuss favorite activities or what funny thing happened at work that day. Another great way to connect is to be interesting. Have a variety of topics to talk about, tell a great story about an experience you had in the past or in the present. People get so wrapped up in the monotony of their days, they come home from work and start the conversation with “I had a long day” or “what do you want for dinner?” Not very romantic. Try engaging with something like, “I read the most amazing story in the news today” or “where would you go if you could be anywhere right now?” With all our commitments to work, kids, finances and fitness regimes, it can be dangerously easy to neglect our relationships with our partners. Make time to engage, touch, talk, listen and, most of all, connect. Read more by Stacy Kaiser: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Listen to our podcast with Stacy: The Perfect Parent Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

10 Ways to Argue So Both Sides Win

Even in the happiest of relationships, there will be conflict. Sometimes it is a small disagreement; other times it feels like it could turn into an all out battle. Arguing with someone you care about is not easy or fun, and sometimes it feels like a seemingly unstoppable train moving full speed ahead. Most of us could give long lists of ways to escalate an argument: finger-pointing, blaming, being verbally abusive, etc. But often in times of stress we lack the tools to figure out how to turn an argument around and avoid the conflict or at least cool it down. Ideally, arguments should be about listening, being heard, compromise and solving problems. They should not be about winning, one-ups-man-ship or scorching your partner with insults or accusations. These tips will help you get through arguments in healthy and constructive ways: 1. Stay alert Watch for the danger signals that let you know you are headed into an argument to begin with. Things like criticizing, blaming, making statements such as "you always" and "you never," the raising of voices, nasty language or trying to assert power over the other person are all clear indicators that a fight is brewing. 2. Take a breather If you are the one who initiated the argument: take some time to cool off, gather your thoughts, and address your partner with the intention of getting your point across without things getting heated. Try to focus on communicating instead of "letting your partner have it," or "making him or her pay." If you realize that the discussion is taking a turn for the worse, suggest taking a break and starting things up again later. 3. Listen with respect If you are on the receiving end of an angry litany, let your partner know that you want to hear what he or she has to say and that you do not wish to argue. Attempt to listen in a respectful and interested way, indicating that you are trying to understand his or her point of view—even if you do not agree. 4. Keep priorities straight Whichever end of the argument you find yourself on, always be respectful and kind. Remember, you love this person. Read more: How Close Is Your Relationship? [Quiz] 5. Try to win together Remember that winning is about both of you walking away in a more peaceful and happy state. Do your best to avoid thinking about how you can win this argument or get your way, and instead think about how you both can win via compromise, by making a new plan of how to handle things for the future, or agreeing to disagree. 6. Avoid sounding like a broken record Even if you have a legitimate complaint, catch yourself and make sure you don’t repeat that complaint over and over again. Say your piece, try to solve the problem and move on. If you feel that you are not being heard or understood, try expressing yourself in a new way. 7. Let go when possible Ask yourself how much this issue really matters and if you can let it go. Sometimes distracting yourself or focusing on the positive about your partner can help you move out of frustration and back into a happy state of mind. 8. Think about solutions Going ‘round and ‘round in an argument just makes both people feel unhappy. Put your heads together and try to find a solution—a way out of the struggle and into a better mode of functioning. Read more: What's Your Communication Style? [Quiz] 9. Put yourself in the other person's shoes You don't have to agree with what your partner is saying in order to make an effort to see where he or she is coming from. When you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, often you can figure out why something is bothering him or her, and possibly help rectify it. The other benefit is that most people in an argument will calm down if they feel another person is understanding—or making the effort to understand and listen to—what they are trying to say. 10. Change the tone When conversations get heated, inserting a change in style can help lighten the mood. Throw in a bit of humor, a smile, or an inside joke. Start with something like, “Even though we are disagreeing, I appreciate that you are at least hearing out what I have to say.” And finally, try not to “pile on” by throwing in every grudge you’ve had for 15 years. Stick to the problem at hand. Taking the time out to improve your conflict-resolution skills will not just help your relationship, it will improve your overall happiness, and we know that there are so many benefits that go with being happy! Read more by Stacy Kaiser: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Listen to our podcast with Stacy Kaiser: The Perfect Parent Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Self-Care

Happy on Paper?

In my practice as a therapist, I talk with dozens of people every week, and over time I have noticed a common theme: Everyone wants to be happy. Yet, many of us fail to achieve this goal, despite our best efforts. I call this the happiness crisis. You are ticking all the boxes necessary to be happy, and yet you remain dissatisfied: The dream job you worked so hard to get has a downside; you lost 20 pounds but you still have low self-esteem; your partner may not be such a good match after all. Where is that pot of happiness gold we were promised? Everything looks good from the outside A post on the Humans of New York Facebook page tells the story of a couple who landed in one of these happiness crises: “We met in church as teenagers. We were best friends at first. We’d complete each other’s sentences. We got married two weeks after she graduated from UCLA, and we never stopped moving after that. We had our first child while we were in law school. Then we both had to pass the bar. After that we had to find jobs, and we had a second kid. At some point we just got into survival mode. It didn’t feel like we were growing a relationship anymore. It just felt like we were picking up the pieces of decisions we had made. We kept telling ourselves that things would get better once life settled down. We’d say, ‘Let’s just get through law school.’ Or, ‘Let’s just get through finals.’ Or, ‘Let’s just get through this move.’ We never communicated things that were bothering us. After 13 years, we finally decided that the time was now. Counseling was hard. But we’re so glad we went because things are better now. And we feel like we’re growing again.” Cognitive dissonance Sometimes a happiness crisis arises when things are “good on paper.” You have the mate, the kids, the car, the house, the job, your health—and you’re still not happy. Subsequently, feelings of sadness, guilt or frustration can set in. Psychologist Leon Festinger identifed that people have a need for internal consistency. We want our experiences to match up with our feelings, and we want our thoughts and beliefs to be consistent. When they are not, and instead we are twisted up in a confusing internal conflict, the field of psychology calls this cognitive dissonance. This is perhaps why the happiness crisis can be so confounding: Everything may look fine on the outside, but inside we are suffering. If you are experiencing a happiness crisis, ask yourself the following questions: 1. Have you looked at the big picture? Make a checklist of all of the things that you believe will make you happy in life. Pivot and make sure they all ring true, and be sure to acknowledge and be grateful for those big-list items you have already achieved. Then create a strategy for how you will focus on getting/creating the missing pieces. 2. Are you guilty of making comparisons? Are you dissatisfied with your partner only because your friend’s partner seems more doting? Do you feel disappointed in your job only because your sister loves hers more? If your lack of happiness is based on envy, it’s time to adjust your mindset. Research shows that social comparison will only make you more depressed. We all have good and bad things in our lives. Concentrate on Question No.1: Be grateful for what you have and then work toward getting more of what you want. 3. Have you been brushing issues under the rug while building success and happiness in other areas? The Facebook couple is guilty of doing some of this. They were busy climbing professional ladders and raising a family, and in the process they stopped nurturing their relationship, and their communication came to a halt. Once they identified the problem areas in their marriage, they were able to reconnect and came out of their happiness crisis. 4. Are you bored? Sometimes feelings of isolation or a lack of things to do can make us overanalyze and critique parts of our lives. Take up a new hobby, plan more date nights with your mate. If you have free time, reach out to friends and people in your community to see what opportunities exist for volunteering and giving back. 5. Have you changed? As we grow older, our values and ideals evolve, and we often forget to examine and readjust our goals. A friend of mine used to be “a shopper”—every time she had extra money she spent it at the mall. She realized that it had become a habit; she had a closet full of things that she didn’t wear. She had grown “numb to shopping,” and that made her unhappy. After reflection, she discovered a desire to travel and now spends her former mall time planning fun and stimulating adventures. Take stock of all of the positive things in your life and focus on the feelings they evoke. Sometimes just increasing our awareness and gratitude for what we already have can provide a new perspective that increases our happiness. Listen to our podcast with Stacy Kaiser on The Perfect Parent. STACY KAISER, the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, media personality and Live Happy editor at large.

Self-Care

Raising a Teenager Without a Manual

As we wrap up the Live Happy 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, contributing editor Susan Kane writes a final blog about the difficulties of communicating with her teenage daughter. I feel so fortunate to have had Michelle Gravelle as my coach for the 90-Day Challenge. She is not only wise—she is a warm, compassionate human being who has made a real difference in the lives of her clients. And I hope you the reader have learned something from her wisdom, and from my experience, as well. My last session with her was a little sad because it was hard to say goodbye! My daughter Coco, with whom I am having difficulty communicating, is a teenager, so of course she still pushes my buttons and tests her boundaries. What’s changed during my coaching with Michele, though, is my attitude toward Coco's behavior. And because that’s different, Coco is different—in a good way. I am able to let go of a lot of what I saw before as rudeness on Coco’s part, or at least to react to it differently. So when she tells me what I’m wearing is ugly, I might just disagree. Or I might just let it go and change the subject. I won't get "hooked" Michelle told me to look for times when I get “hooked,” or triggered, and to shift from a negative reaction to something else. “You’ve got to break the pattern,” she said. I’ve learned there are lots of ways to do so. I also realized, with Michelle’s help, that one of the things Coco did that particularly upset me was related more to old baggage than it was to the present time. Whenever my teen asks me a question and I don’t know the answer, she says “You dodo.” I used to jump all over her: “That’s mean! Take that back! Seriously, honey, apologize!” Reaction, not overreaction Growing up, my parents treated me like I had a less-than-stellar intellect because they saw both my other sisters as gifted, so it still upsets me when someone doubts my intelligence. Just stopping to remember that my reaction is an overreaction, and that Coco is only teasing me (albeit in that rude, snotty way teens talk), has helped things stay light between us. Michelle also taught me to capitalize on those moments when Coco and I really connect. There are two times during the day when she likes to talk to me. One is when we’re driving somewhere in the car. The other is when we’re saying goodnight—and that’s when she truly opens up. It used to make me mad—I saw it as manipulative that just when she “should” have been going to sleep she’d try to delay it by gabbing (I always thought that the optimal amount of zzz’s for her age was important because I myself need a lot of sleep to feel well—but Coco, like her father, simply doesn’t). I’ve learned to relax then and to talk to her for as long as she wants. As a result, we’ve gotten a lot closer. I know more about her daily life, about what’s going well and what’s bothering her. Yeah, it cuts into both our sleep times, but you know what? My lovebug (yeah, I call her that) is way more important. Thank you, Michelle.

Self-Care

Turn Tough Conversations Into Positive Ones

As we wind up Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, communication expert Michele Gravelle gives us a final cheat sheet for making difficult conversations into healthy, productive ones. We’ve covered a lot of ground these past few weeks, and I trust you’ve been practicing some of the conversational tools that I have gone over with Live Happy contributing editor Susan Kane. For my third and final blog, I’d like to give you three tips for carrying these concepts forward and making them work in your everyday conversations. The goal, of course, is for you to build and grow relationships, both at work and at home. 1. Think of your effect. If you have an important message, feedback or a response that you want to share with someone, first think about how both the information you’re sharing and your delivery will affect the other person. What is your motive? If it is to lash out, retaliate, “set the record straight,” prove a point or show the other person is wrong, then you are not in a good position to have the conversation. Wait until you are genuinely curious about what the other person has to say and then engage in a dialogue. 2. Pause and be curious. Train yourself to pause before you react. Do a mental scan and think about your life as well as the other person’s life. What’s going on? How might your thoughts about the other person leak into your conversation? It takes self-awareness and persistence to change the behaviors that get in the way of a productive, healthy dialogue. 3. Take responsibility for your own behavior. One of the most masterful moves you can make is to take responsibility for the words you say and actions you take. The more self-awareness you demonstrate and the more responsibility you are willing to take for your words and actions, the more you set the stage for a productive, neutral conversation. Remember, what you say and do does one of three things to your relationship: Nurtures it Changes nothing Damages or hurts it Susan and I covered a lot of ground these past few weeks, and I hope that some of what we have shared in our stories will help you in your own conversations and relationships. The more you practice these behaviors, the more they will become part of your natural conversational mojo! Best of luck to all of you! Read Michele's first blog here. Read Michele's second blog here. Listen to Michele on our podcast here. Michele Gravelle is an experienced executive coach, communications expert and consultant with The Triad Consulting Group. She also facilitates executive education programs at the Harvard Negotiation Institute and Duke Corporate Education, and is a contributing author to the book Enlightened Power: How Women Are Transforming the Path to Leadership.

Practice

10 Ways You Can Be Happier Today

How can we feel happier on a day-to-day basis? Practicing gratitude, unplugging and living in the present moment come immediately to mind. Sometimes we know all the right answers, but putting those ideas into practice is the tough part. To help you fully embrace life as it unfolds before you, we've put together this list of helpful practices. (Happiness overachievers can click on the highlighted links to learn even more about each practice.) 1. Strengthen self-control We don’t have to exhaust our willpower or decision-making quota for the day when we make healthy habits automatic. Make one or more of these fundamental habits a regular part of your daily life in order to help you set and keep other healthy habits: 1. Get seven hours of sleep; 2. Go for a 20-minute walk; 3. Don’t let yourself get too hungry; 4. Take time to unclutter; 5. Give yourself a healthy treat. 2. Get some sleep According to sleep expert Michael Breus, Ph.D., sleeping less than seven hours each night can negatively impact your outlook, make you crave unhealthy foods and even kill your productivity. For those with serious trouble sleeping, he suggests you go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, take the TV out of the bedroom and get out of bed if you can’t fall asleep within 20 to 30 minutes. 3. Build up your emotional toolkit If you struggle with depression or bouts of anxiety, build up your emotional toolkit. Use the tool of self-compassion to treat yourself with the same loving kindness you would extend to a friend. Silence that inner critic and give yourself a soft place to land when things don’t go right or you are working through a challenging experience. Fill up your mind with kind thoughts about yourself. 4. Improve your conversations One of the most powerful skills you can practice is empathy. We show empathy by asking questions to better understand the person we’re talking with. When we hear our conversation partner expressing complex emotions, we might summarize or repeat what they’ve said back to them to show that we are listening with empathy. 5. Exercise to get these unique benefits Scientific research has shown there are countless connections between mind and body; to simplify a complicated process: exercise boosts dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that make us feel happier. Find an exercise you love and set a goal (run a 5K, walk 10,000 steps in a day, or go to yoga twice a week). When we have a specific goal, we are engaged with life and excited about our progress and our future. 6. Get happier at work Make your workday happier by brainstorming new solutions for a work challenge in the morning when your mind is fresh. Sit down with your coffee or tea and spend 10 minutes thinking up as many ideas, solutions and possible outcomes to a problem or opportunity your team is facing. Then share the best three ideas with another team member. 7. Play Research from the National Institute for Play shows that putting playtime back in our routines can boost creativity, reduce stress, increase brain function and even improve our relationships with others. Wake up your inner child and play—roll down a hill, play a board game with your family, jump rope or do a cartwheel. 8. Smile By smiling more often, you will make others around you feel better and you will feel better too, creating a reverberating circle of well-being. 9. Win the war against worry Author Erma Bombeck once wrote, “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere.” Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, agrees, saying that worry is simply a fear of uncertainty. Keep a journal of your worries in order to keep them under control; in addition Karen recommends meditating, relaxing and downloading this free app. 10. Build up your resilience Surf champion Bethany Hamilton no longer views the shark attack that caused the loss of her arm as a negative in the scheme of her life. Instead, she practices resilience and fortitude by dwelling on all the positives that have resulted from it. Search for the silver lining and find the positives when you are facing adversity to become a more resilient person. Sandra Bienkowski is a contributing editor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

Practice

Stop the Blame Game

As part of Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, we’ve gathered experts from around the country to help us—and you!—change habits and live better in 2016. In the second part of her blog series, communication expert Michele Gravelle explains how to prevent blame from mucking up difficult conversations. If you’ve been following along with Live Happy contributing editor Susan Kane and me on the 90 Days challenge, perhaps you’ve set your own goal for better communication. You’ve started journaling and paying attention to what you are thinking, feeling and not saying in your conversations. You are inquiring and empathizing—and yet you find yourself still getting triggered or inadvertently triggering the other person. Now I want to talk about what you can do to get back on track and navigate through the tough spots. A common challenge One of the most common pitfalls that keeps us stuck in our old behaviors is blame. In almost all difficult conversations, there is an undercurrent of, “I’m right, you’re wrong—and if you would just stop doing what you’re doing, then I would stop being upset with you and we wouldn’t be having this hard time.” In essence, we are saying that the current challenge is the other person’s fault. We need to take a very honest look at our thoughts and behaviors to uncover our not-so-hidden message of blame, because even though we may believe we aren’t openly blaming the other person, if we are thinking it or feeling it, then I guarantee that message is leaking into the conversation, and that’s what the other person is reacting to. As an example, let’s look at Susan’s situation with her daughter Coco. Susan sometimes feels that her daughter speaks to her disrespectfully, and this has been an ongoing challenge. I think all of us who have lived through those teenage years with our kids can relate. It’s easy to think, “I’m the parent, they are the child, they need to treat and talk to me with respect. If they would stop being so disrespectful, then I would stop being so angry with them.” In theory, that makes sense. However, the underlying message that the teenager hears is, “This is your fault,” which, of course, acts as a trigger and causes the child to be even more volatile and defensive. How to turn it around When we make our kids (or anyone else) responsible for our feelings, we are then forever waiting for them to change in order for us to experience peace of mind or happiness. A better approach is to take responsibility for your own state of mind and feelings. Not only will this allow you to feel better, it also takes the blame out of your message to your child and allows you to model the exact behavior you would like them to adopt. Here’s a sample of what a non-blaming conversation might sound like: Child speaking to parent: “I hate you! Why do you always stick your nose in everything I do? Just leave me alone.” Parent: (Instead of saying “Don’t talk to me that way”) “Sounds like you have something on your mind?” Child: “No, I just want you to let me have my own space.” Parent: “What is it I’m saying or doing that is most frustrating for you?” Child: “Everything!” Parent: “Ok, if you were going to coach me to be a better parent, what is one thing that you would like me to do differently in the future when I’m curious about how your day was?” Child: “Let me decide when and what to tell you, instead of bombarding me with questions the minute I come home from school.” Parent: “I’ll work on that and if I forget and start asking you too many questions, I would like you to say, ‘Mom, remember, we agreed that you wouldn’t ask so many questions.’” Takeaways This conversation may seem a little unrealistic for those of you who are in the middle of raising teenagers. Your inner voice may be saying “Yeah, right, my son/daughter would never talk like that.” However far-out it might sound, there are some key lessons to learn here: Notice that in each turn of the conversation, the parent responded to the child with inquiry, not blame. The parent asked for specific coaching. Your kids have all kinds of useful advice to give you. When you ask for their input, it raises their self-esteem and demonstrates that you value and respect their ideas. The parent is modeling that they want to learn and in the process they are offering their child choices in the conversation. These conversational moves work with everyone—not just between parents and kids. Next time you find yourself stuck in a conversation and feel that you’ve gotten off track, stop and ask yourself how you might covertly be blaming the other person. Or, simply ask the other person, “What do you see me doing in this conversation that’s not helpful?” Asking your conversation partner to give you feedback in the moment is a powerful move to make and if done sincerely can yield valuable information and rebuild trust. Want to hear more about communicating with loved ones from Michele? Listen to her discussing positive communication on our podcast here. To see Michele's recommendations in action, read communication coaching "subject" Susan Kane's 2nd blog here. Michele Gravelle is an experienced executive coach, communications expert and consultant with The Triad Consulting Group. She also facilitates executive education programs at the Harvard Negotiation Institute and Duke Corporate Education, and is a contributing author to the book Enlightened Power: How Women Are Transforming the Path to Leadership.

Practice

Meet the Coaches

We've gathered top experts in their fields from around the country to help us shed bad habits and improve our lives in 2016. Michael Breus, Ph.D. Widely known as “The Sleep Doctor,” Michael is a board-certified sleep specialist and author of The Sleep Doctor's Diet Plan: Lose Weight Through Better Sleep and Good Night: The Sleep Doctor's 4-Week Program to Better Sleep and Better Health. He is a clinical psychologist and fellow of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. As the subject of sleep continues to gain momentum, Michael has appeared on CNN, Dr. OZ and Oprah as part of his mission to educate and communicate to the public the importance of quality sleep for all. Find out more at thesleepdoctor.com. Read Michael's blog, 6 Steps to Better Sleep. Christine Carter, Ph.D. Christine is a sociologist, author, educator and senior fellow at University of California, Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center. She is also the author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. She is also a sought after coach whose clients include executives, parents and anyone who would like to find less stress and more balance in their lives. Find out more at christinecarter.com. Read Christine's blog, 6 Steps to Unplug from Work. Karen Cassiday, Ph.D. A clinical psychologist and nationally recognized expert on the diagnosis and treatment of anxiety, Karen is president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) and a founding fellow of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy. She has appeared on NBC's Today show and other media to discuss anxiety, and is a sought-after for her expertise by newspapers such as the Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. Find out more about Karen here. Read Karen's blog, 6 Steps to Win the War Against Worry. Michele Gravelle Michele is an executive coach and communications strategist with more than 25 years of experience. She is the founder of Successful Conversations Now, a corporate training firm dedicated to increasing effectiveness through better communication. She has facilitated executive education programs at the Harvard Negotiation Institute and regularly teaches at Boston University. Michele holds a master's in psychology, which comes in handy when dealing with the complexities of human dynamics. Read more about Michele here. Read Michele's blog, 6 Steps to Healthier, More Productive Conversations. Caroline Adams Miller A graduate of the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at University of Pennsylvania and sought-after coach and keynote speaker, Caroline has been educating the public on happiness, positive psychology, goal-setting and grit for nearly three decades. She is the author of several books, including Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide and the forthcoming Authentic Grit. Learn more about Caroline at carolinemiller.com. Read Caroline's 6-Step Goal-Setting Challenge.

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Stop the Blame Game

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