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Woman buying tomatoes at Eastern Market.

Mixing It Up at Detroit’s Eastern Market

It's 5 a.m. and a cool breeze chills the air. Lights burst on in market sheds and trucks rumble in as farmers from Michigan, Ohio and just across the river in Canada hurry to unload their produce and other goods before the crowds begin to arrive at 6 a.m. Soon, colorful mounds of tomatoes, corn and spices are piled high, heaps of flowers spill over the pavement, and fresh eggs, meat, cheese and handmade baked goods tempt shoppers to fill their tote bags. Today, like every Saturday, as many as 45,000 visitors will come together in Detroit’s famous Eastern Market. They arrive from the inner city and from the suburbs and hail from different countries, races, religions, ages and income brackets. The smooth tones of a tenor sax accompany the cacophony of laughter, conversation in several languages and vendors shouting out the prices of their goods. The entire market vibrates with vitality and a strong sense of community—embodying history, altruism, civility, tolerance and work ethic—which contributes to a life well lived for its players. Detroit probably isn’t the first place that comes to mind when you think of such bounty and harmony. Yet, here in the country’s largest open-air public market, people as diverse as the produce have converged for 125 years. Meet me at the market “There are very few places now where a variety of people come together naturally,” says Heather Dillaway, Ph.D., associate professor of sociology at Wayne State University in Detroit. “Eastern Market is the exception.” Heather, who is an Eastern Market shopper, says, “When people have a common reason to be in a space together, they can create conversation and talk across boundaries. While they’re there, they realize they have more commonalities that bridge differences.” In the case of the Eastern Market, “You've got hipsters buying okra, broccolini and handmade sausage, but others are there for affordable food, loading up provisions for their restaurant or they’re there to support food justice [idea that access to healthy food is a basic human right] and to shop in ways to reduce their carbon footprint. There’s a common purpose. “This is how things have happened through history,” Heather says. “People have come together over a common issue such as public health or the right to vote, for example.” Suddenly, disparate groups discover they have something in common and start talking to each other. “Food is one of those needs that puts people on equal footing.” Detroit chef and budding restaurateur Jon Kung’s experiences with his business Kung Food back that up. “Having a personal relationship with your merchant is amazing,” Jon says. “It is truly a gift to have people there to guide me through product changes or conditions. It can even be something as simple as ‘we had a lot of rain yesterday so these tomatoes are pretty much ready to burst, be extra careful bringing them home.’ Sometimes I even tell farmers what ingredients I’ll be looking for and they may take it upon themselves to grow it.” And for the merchants, such exchanges help them establish loyal customers. “Life is what you make of it, and that includes how much you truly want to interact with someone,” Jon says. “The market is a place where you can do that. We’re aware of each other constantly, and we understand the community we’re in. The market is a food-based microcosm of all that’s good in the city.” Strong roots Detroit has had its challenges, among them urban blight and right, job losses and government corruption. But Motown is getting its groove back with enough construction projects, business startups, new residents and sports facilities in the works to make many cities envious. Guess what destination made Travel and Leisure’s list of “places to go in 2016.” Yep, Detroit. While the newcomers generate excitement, Eastern Market bears the special patina of time. It has bloomed here despite Detroit’s ups and downs and proudly remains one place where native Detroiters can say, “We’re still here. We've been here all along.” In fact, the market in some form has been entwined with this city’s history practically since the first settlers pulled their canoes up on the banks of the Detroit River. It moved to its current location in 1891 and German, Italian and Polish neighborhoods grew up around it. To this day, Eastern Market revolves around a core of five massive sheds where hundreds of wholesale and retail vendors sell fresh produce, meat and much more daily. Family roots This is no simple farmers market; it’s a working food district, with acres of shops and housing that have sprouted up around the central sheds over the decades. Some families have earned a living at Eastern Market for generations. Larry Konowalski’s family has sold eggs here for more than 100 years and, at age 75, he continues the tradition, arriving at the market with eggs and honey from his farm in nearby Adrian, Michigan. “I simply enjoy being at the market,” Larry says. “I’ve been going all my life and now I have customers whose grandparents dealt with my grandparents, who came by horse and wagon on Friday nights to be ready when the market opened early the next morning.” Such continuity is remarkable. So are the personal relationships people used to develop more readily in their communities, partly through their interaction with those who supplied their food. That’s a relationship both Larry and his customers value today. He says he knows more people at the market than he does in Adrian. Markets like Detroit’s once thrived in cities throughout America. After World War II, though, city dwellers moved to the suburbs and bought groceries in big new supermarkets. It’s no small irony that the auto industry that made Detroit famous built the cars that drove people out of the city. And they took many of the jobs with them. The Motor City, once so admired as the “arsenal of democracy,” the nation's fourth largest city, and a prime place to attain the American Dream eventually became scorned for its poverty and its eerie landscape of empty lots and burned-out houses. Still, Eastern Market endured, partly because, unlike other cities where developers snapped up market property to build high-priced condos and galleries, plenty of land remained affordable in Detroit. But according to Karen Brown, who has operated her French-inspired home, clothing and lifestyle shop, Savvy Chic, in the market district for 18 years, other factors help explain Eastern Market’s survival. She says one of the key reasons for its continued popularity is that it has consistently encouraged local vendors and local food producers, not the “big box” or big name stores. That helped the district retain both its authenticity and kept native Detroiters in the mix as the market has prospered. “Eastern Market never lost its status as a beloved family tradition. Even people who left the city came back to the Eastern Market,” Karen says. Her business has benefited from the market’s sense of tradition; she recently added a little coffee shop where Savvy Chic shoppers can relax and mingle. New shoots Today, as they did 125 years ago, new folks are moving into the district to work and live. Liz Blondy was one of the kids who grew up going to the market from the suburbs when little else brought people downtown. Now, she’s an eager participant in Detroit’s revitalization and a former member of the market’s board of directors. She and her husband bought a building in the market district, rehabilitated it and took up residence, lured by its authenticity and gritty, laid-back appeal. “Eastern Market is truly accessible,” Liz says. “It’s all things to all people, from the fancy foodie to the regular lady with five kids looking for affordable fresh produce to the young couple on a date or visitors from out of town.” Detroit’s new urban farmers are setting up shop in the market alongside veterans like Larry. Carolyn Leadley and her husband, Jack Van Dyke, operate Rising Pheasant Farms on nearly an acre of formerly empty lots on the city’s east side where houses once stood. They grow vegetables year-round for restaurants and farmers markets and deliver them by bicycle. “We now have a passive solar hoop house, which allows us to produce field crops nearly year-round,” she says. They named their business after the wild pheasants that roam their neighborhood. I farm in Detroit because it is an inspiring place filled with resilient people who motivate me to be a better farmer and a better community member.” It’s a great place to raise our kids, who get to benefit from being raised on a farm and knowing the earth at the same time that they are a part of a racially and economically diverse community.” Without Eastern Market, Carolyn believes she wouldn’t have much of a business model. “We’re successful because we are able to reduce many costs by being close to our markets,” she says. But it’s also more personal than that. “Folks want to support us because we have quality naturally grown produce but they also want to support our family and have enjoyed seeing our kids grow up at the market.” Jon of Kung Food happily supplies his growing catering and event business with the fresh food from growers like Rising Pheasant Farms. “The quality of the food is just so much better when you know where it comes from—the farm, the farmer and the quality of their practices.” He enjoys conversing directly with the farmer or the butcher; “It's how my grandmother used to shop in Hong Kong.” He recently bought a vacant building in the market district, a former pasta factory where he plans to open a noodle shop. Why Eastern Market? He says, “People are happy when they’re here. You feel a positive energy. This market is unique and organic, no pun intended.” How will the garden grow? Eastern Market’s shoppers, vendors, residents and businesses are aware that the market’s success is a garden they must tend very carefully, because too much gentrification could erase the community characteristics that have made Eastern Market so appealing to so many. Keeping the market gritty, authentic, local and a place where everyone is part of Detroit’s renaissance are among the goals of Eastern Market Corporation (EMC), says Dan Carmody, the organization’s president. EMC, a public-private partnership, took over market management from the city in 2006 and today sponsors a multitude of initiatives to foster its vision “to shepherd Eastern Market’s rich history to nourish a healthier, wealthier and happier Detroit.” Projects promoting food justice and equal access to fresh food throughout the city fit the “nourish” category. For example, because many residents don’t have transportation, the market created pop-up mobile markets in 20 locations around metro Detroit. It offers nutrition education in cooperation with businesses and hospitals to teach their employees about healthy food options. Eastern Market also welcomes shoppers with SNAP and other food assistance programs, making fresh produce more available. Partners in food justice One man-about-the-market, chef Phil Jones, tackles a number of projects to foster food justice and healthy eating. He hosts demonstrations and teaches basic cooking skills that he says have been lost to fast-food dining and lack of access to fresh ingredients. He also manages and operates Red Truck Fresh Produce, a partnership between Eastern Market Corporation and Community Growth Partners. Red Truck sells fresh fruits and vegetables at the district’s Gratiot Central Market, a place previously known strictly as a source for all things meat. Working with Goodwill Industries, Red Truck is staffed by U.S. military veterans as part of a job-training program. Other market programs encourage food entrepreneurs and the jobs they create. Through Detroit Kitchen Connect, for example, Eastern Market provides people striving to establish new food businesses with low-cost licensed commercial kitchen space in a newly remodeled market shed. EMC also partners with FoodLab Detroit, which helps individual food businesses start and grow. Much of that happens behind the scenes, unnoticed by the throngs of shoppers in the market sheds who are simply there to enjoy the festive atmosphere and take in this Midwestern bazaar of fresh food, crafts, street art and camaraderie. “You may find yourself shopping next to a grandma with a bunch of little kids, a new resident or someone visiting from the burbs,” Liz says. “You wind up chatting about the quality of the food, where to get the best tomatoes, where to find the best price on steak.” It’s a simple interaction that creates connection, but one that’s rare in many communities. Says Liz, “What is great about Eastern Market is that it is a place where all Detroiters come and all feel welcome on any given day.” If you go: Here are a few tips to make your visit to Eastern Market great: SET YOUR GPS for the market’s welcome center at 1445 Adelaide on Detroit’s east side. FIND PRODUCE, MEAT AND BAKED GOODS at the Saturday market, which takes place year-round, 6 a.m. to 4 p.m., and at the smaller scale Tuesday market, June through October. EASTERN MARKET’S HOLIDAY MARKETS take place in November and December. Shop to the tunes of carolers and the ho-ho-ho of Kris Kringle. You’ll find everything from Thanksgiving trimmings and pumpkins to locally grown Christmas trees and wreaths, homemade holiday treats and beverages. EASTERN MARKET BECOMES THE LARGEST OPEN-AIR FLOWER MARKET in the U.S. on Flower Day, held annually on the Sunday after Mother’s Day. BE SURE TO EXPLORE BEYOND THE MARKET SHEDS to discover food shops such as DeVries & Co. 1887 and Gratiot Central Market, the art gallery Wasserman Projects, the funky shop The Detroit Mercantile Company, among many others. Sample some of the city’s oldest and newest establishments including Roma Cafe and Detroit City Distillery. JOIN FOOTBALL FANS AS THEY TAILGATE AT EASTERN MARKET before every Detroit Lions home football game, then walk to nearby Ford Field or take a shuttle. Tailgating proceeds support the market’s work to provide access to good food and grow local food businesses and jobs. Terri Peterson Smith is a Minneapolis freelance writer who covers travel and the environment. She is the author of the book Off the Beaten Page.

relationships

9 Tips for Low-Stress Holiday Entertaining

The holidays are a festive time of year. Roaring fires and flickering candles, scents of pine needles and mulled wine, and sounds of softly playing music accent family gatherings. The holidays, however, are also a harbinger of stress. Many of us stretch ourselves to the limit trying to achieve a Martha Stewart-level of perfection on a budget or hosting a houseful of relatives while working late hours. Buying and wrapping gifts, decorating, cooking, hosting—the responsibilities pile up. To relieve some of the burden, try not to compare your holiday to the ones you’ve seen in the movies or on well-crafted Facebook posts or obsession-fueled Pinterest boards. Head into the season expecting “flawed and fabulous” and you will enjoy it all the more. Despite your best efforts to create holiday magic, something decidedly not-so-magical will happen. You’ll forget the tinsel. Your parents will be stranded in Chicago. The dog will get to dessert before the guests. You can almost bet on it. Here are nine ways to keep your chin up and stress down this holiday season. 1. Start the season charged Holidays are inherently stressful because you add multiple tasks to your already busy schedule. Increase your self-care activities leading up to the holidays. Do the things that recharge you the most, whether it’s lunch with a friend, a walk in the woods, relaxing with a good book or writing in a journal. Spend some time replenishing your mind and body: To feel your best when the holidays arrive, make sure you sleep seven hours nightly, exercise regularly and eat nutritiously. If you already have a healthy routine, don’t start skipping it for the holiday season. Read more: Are You Living Fully Charged? 2. Give up perfection Embrace imperfection. We often get disappointed when our (often idealistic) expectations clash with reality. Tell yourself that something will go wrong and it’s okay. Now if the turkey is a bit dry or if your uncle talks politics at the dinner table, you can just roll with it instead of letting it ruin your holiday. Read more: 4 Ways to Make This Holiday Season Better Than Perfect 3. Decorate early Get a jump start on your planning and reduce stress on the actual holiday by getting your home ready ahead of time. Turn decorating your home into a tradition that involves your whole family (i.e., put the kids to work). Start preparing for Thanksgiving in mid-November. For Christmas or Hanukkah, start making your house festive around December 1. You’ll be so glad you’ve checked something off your list; plus, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying holiday spirit in the house all month long! 4. Make holiday punch bowls—one for the kids and one for the adults With a quick Google or Pinterest search of “holiday punch recipe,” you can find delicious, festive-themed drink recipes—one for the adults and one for the little ones. Now you won’t have to cater to every person’s individual tastes, and it can add to the ambiance of your gathering. Consider using a small table for pitchers of ice water and glasses, too, so your guests can help themselves while you greet family at the door. The more you set up beforehand, the more you can be in the present moment and enjoy your party once it begins. 5. Get out of the kitchen Timing an elaborate dinner with multiple courses is ambitious, and it can keep you in the kitchen when everyone else is enjoying each other and the party. Make it your goal to be out of the kitchen when your guests arrive. One option is to cook nearly everything ahead of time. Another is to go potluck or semi-potluck: Consider making the main dish and having everyone bring an appetizer, side dish or dessert to share. Now your party is a collective effort instead of all on you. Exhale, that’s a lot of responsibility off your shoulders. 6. Don’t clean up right away Even if you like a tidy table or a clean kitchen, stacking dishes and loading the dishwasher can be a message to your friends and family that the party is over. Value your together time over your urge to clean up. Enjoy the conversation and take pleasure in the wonderful meal you just had before you put your kitchen and dining room back in order. Or, consider being upfront with family and guests and tell them you thought you’d serve dessert an hour after dinner. That way everyone knows they are welcome to stay. 7. Accept people as they are If someone in your family is always having drama, don’t be surprised when drama shows up this year, too. If you have a relative who says outrageous things, expect it again this year. Keep this Maya Angelou quote in mind: “Once people show you who they are, believe them, the first time.” We don’t get to choose our relatives, so if you accept your relatives for who they are, you can take away their power to ruin a moment. Accept and let go. Read more: 7 Tips to Survive the Holidays With Your Family 8. Keep the conversation going Sometimes conversations flow effortlessly and shared stories bring your family closer. Other times you might have awkward silences and people only discussing the food. Increase your chances of creating a memorable holiday by thinking of some meaningful conversations you’d like to start. Maybe it’s a family reunion you’d like to plan, or a favorite holiday memory you want to reminisce about. Take the lead by starting a rewarding conversation. You can decide to go around the table and have everyone share one great thing that they are grateful for, or to name something special that has happened in the past year. If kids are involved, table games can be fun as well. 9. Swap worry for gratitude Worry is almost always a wasted emotion. It makes you feel bad and doesn’t accomplish anything productive. If you catch yourself worrying about the holidays, swap your worry out for some gratitude by consciously listing your blessings. If you are busy being thankful for the people and good things in your life, there won’t be room for worry and stress about the details of party planning and gift giving. Read more: 3 Secrets to Happiness This Holiday Season Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

relationships

Gretchen Rubin’s Strategies for the Holidays

The holidays can be a joyous time,but for some of us, they can alsoherald the coming of a series ofchallenges that can distract us fromjoyfully engaging with our loved ones. Here are a few strategies for easingsome of the holiday stress at family gatherings: 1. Try not to ruffle feathers You maybe intending to show polite interest,but questions such as, “When are yougetting married and starting a family?”can rub a person the wrong way.Instead, show your interest with moreopen-ended questions like, “What areyou up to these days?” 2. Avoid strife If you know Uncle Bobby’s political views drive you crazy,don’t bring them up! And if he bringsup the subject, don’t engage him. Makea joke of it, and say something like,“Let’s not talk about that, and givethe rest of the family something to bethankful for.” 3. Don't drink too much Whileit makes some people merry, alcoholcan make others combative, self-pityingand even destructive, so avoid imbibingtoo much for your own sake. Also, ifyou notice people trying to curb theirdrinking, don’t make a fuss of it or urgethem to indulge. 4. Play your part in traditions Chances are, traditionsare important for some of your familymembers. Though your brother’sinsistence on having exactly the samefood every Thanksgiving may irritate you, try to stay patient. 5. Don't strive for perfection As my mother told me, “The thingsthat go wrong often make the bestmemories.” 6. Watch what you eat Feelingbad about eating too much can makeyou irritable and angry, which can thennegatively affect your interactions.And, similar to drinking, if you noticesomeone skimping on dessert, don’tcomment or make it harder for himor her. 7. Find fun If the time with yourrelatives is meant to be fun, spend atleast some of it doing something that’s fun for you. 8. Think of reasons to be grateful Be thankful that you get tocook (or that you don’t have to cook). Bethankful that you get to travel (or thatyou don’t have to travel). Be thankfulfor your family or your friends. In theprocess, you’ll give your happiness aboost and crowd out resentment andannoyance. 9. Adjust your behavior Ifyou encounter difficult relatives, youcan’t do anything to change them;you can only change yourself. And inmany situations, people behave in adifficult way as a reaction to somethingor someone else. So, if you behavedifferently, they may, too. This year, make this holiday seasonone where you focus on spendingquality time with the people whomatter most to you and creatingmemories. After all, that’s what theholidays are really about. Gretchen Rubin is the bestselling author ofThe Happiness Project Happier at Home, and Better than Before. Read about Gretchen's adventures atGretchenRubin.com.

Married couple having breakfast and looking bored.

relationships

Does Your Relationship Need a Tuneup? [QUIZ]

When we start a new relationship, we often assume things will always be this wonderful. We think if we have a strong connection and shared interests, those things will last over time. However, the reality is that partnerships change: life gets challenging, days get busy and we get wrapped up in day-to-day problems. These normal life circumstances may cause distance in our relationship or may make us feel disconnected from our partner. While we are busy taking care of home, family, friends, work and more, it is important that we make an effort to stay connected to our partner so that we can maintain a relationship that has strength and intimacy over the long term. This quiz will help you evaluate the current health of your romantic connection, and what aspects of the relationship you may need to work on. Choose the answer for each question that best describes how you tend to think, feel or behave in your relationship. 1. My partner and I take time out to do things together as a couple. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 2. I take time to connect during the day, even if it is only for a brief moment. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 3. I tell my partner that I love him/her. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 4. My partner and I engage in loving acts towards one another, even if they are small. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 5. I make necessary sacrifices to improve my relationship. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 6. I take time out to listen to my partner and really hear what he or she is trying to say. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 7. I notice when my partner is challenged or struggling, and I ask if I can help. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 8. I make an effort to find new ways to bond with my partner. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 9. If something is not going well in my relationship, I work toward improving the situation. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 10. When my partner and I are not getting along, I attempt to communicate in an effective way to try to resolve things. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 11. I try to do kind things for my partner on a regular basis. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 12. I spend time planning how to make my partnership better for the future. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 13. I make an effort to build closeness with my partner. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this Read more: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship 14. I plan date nights for us to spend time as a couple. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 15. I specifically ask my partner questions about how he or she is feeling or how his or her day went. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 16. My partner and I laugh together. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 17. I celebrate my partner's successes and I am a shoulder to lean on when my partner experiences failures. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 18. I plan adventurous and spontaneous activities to make things more interesting. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 19. I make an effort to be flirty or romantic. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this 20. I try to make our conversations interesting and engaging. I almost always do this I sometimes do this I almost never do this Healthy, happy, strong connected relationships take time, energy and effort to remain successful. While it is completely normal to be impacted by life and its stressors, we need to make sure that we are investing in our important relationships. Read more: What's Your Communication Style? Score the quiz: If most of your answers were A: You generally feel connected to your partner and you work hard, using your skills to create a stronger connection. Many relationships do not have a strong level of connectedness, and those that do often struggle to keep it going. So keep up the good work, and continue to reassess yourself in this area. If most of your answers were B: You are like many couples who have moments of connection and moments of distance. Ask yourself if this is an isolated period of time or if this is something that has been going on long-term. If you believe that this is an isolated incident, you still need to put in some effort to reconnect and discuss repairing what led to this level of disconnection. If you feel it has been a long-term issue, you should sit down with your partner and discuss strategies to improve communication and intimacy. Make sure you are spending time together and focusing on making your relationship happy for the long term. If most of your answers were C: You appear to be feeling disconnected from your partner, and perhaps because of that, you or your partner are putting in too little effort to make things better. Ask yourself if there is one particular incident or issue that is causing the distance. If so, what can you do to work on that issue while also engaging in connecting with your partner on a deeper level? If there isn’t one particular issue and this has been an ongoing problem, it may be a good idea for you to communicate this to your partner and seek professional help or counseling. Make a greater effort to use connection skills and to find ways to feel closer to your partner. A professional couples’ therapist will give you tools and techniques to help do this. Read Stacy Kaiser's companion piece: 4 Ways to Reignite the Spark and Reconnect With Your Partner

American flag and a pair of boxing gloves.

relationships

5 Tips to Survive the 2016 Election

All you have to do is turn on the news, go to social media, or start talking with a friend and it’s clear that this election season has taken a toll. Without doubt, the contest between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is the most contentious and polarizing of our lifetimes. Many of my friends and clients have talked to me about the tension and stress they have experienced when dealing with a friend or loved one who is rooting for the "other side" to win. But this election will soon be over, and our relationships—we hope—will last a lifetime. So, how do we maintain healthy and happy relationships when we may disagree strongly about something as important as who should become the next president of the United States? Here is my advice: 1. Make your relationship more important than being right When disagreements like this occur, it is important to remind yourself that your close relationship matters more than any election result or political point of view. Proceed with conversations cautiously and respectfully and do not let tempers run high. (If, on the other hand, your disagreement is with a total stranger on Facebook, feel free to Hide or Unfriend them.) 2. Agree to disagree Sometimes no matter how close you are with a person or how much you have in common, there are simply some issues you will not agree on. If you have tried to find common ground and it is not working, tell yourselves you will have to agree to disagree. That does not mean you have to stop having conversations about the topic, it just means that when you talk, you keep in mind that the two of you will likely never agree, and that is okay. 3. Put yourself in the other person's shoes Keep in mind that opinions and values are based on thoughts and experiences. Take a moment to ask yourself why it is that your loved one might be thinking or feeling this way. This does not mean you have to change your perspective, it just means that you try to develop an understanding of why he or she might hold certain beliefs. 4. Remember what is positive about your relationship If your disagreement is with your partner, remind yourself about the issues, personality traits and activities that the two of you have in common. In all likelihood, the two of you have shared some values or beliefs or you never would be as close as you are. Try to focus on those. If you are really angry or questioning your ability to continue a relationship with this person, attempt to remember the things you like about him or her and see if those qualities outweigh your political discrepancies. 5. Win or lose, do it graciously If your candidate or political issue has won, it is important not to brag or gloat. It will only antagonize people. Reserve your celebrating for people who will celebrate with you. If your candidate has lost, do your best not to burden a person who is happy about the results with your sadness or frustration. Instead, surround yourself with people who feel the way you do so that you can comfort and support one another. If you would like to take an action step, get involved in politics or political issues so that you can do what you can to make a difference in future elections. The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are not reserved just for loss of a loved one. These feelings can still happen even after a disappointing election season. If you find yourself experiencing any or all of these, it is completely normal. Should you find your emotions to be too intense or detrimental, seek professional help. Elections, laws and political offices are all very important to our personal lives and our country. However, we cannot lose sight of the fact that our personal relationships are important as well—even if we sometimes disagree. Stacy Kaiser is an editor-at-large for Live Happy and a licensed clinical therapist in Southern California.

relationships

The Friendship Prescription

When Liz Hilcken went through a bad spate of depression in her 20s and early 30s, she didn’t turn to her three older sisters, though the four siblings are extremely close, texting, calling and visiting weekly if not daily. Liz didn’t tap the support of her husband either, nor her colleagues at the hospital where she worked as a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit. Instead, she turned to her best friend, Elis, a woman she describes as her polar opposite. “I’d seen all the horrible things that could happen to kids because of my job, so I was the classic helicopter mom,” says Liz, 51, who has two daughters and lives in Seaford, New York. “Elis is from Ireland and grew up running around in pastures until dark; she doesn’t have rules.” The two met as young mothers nearly 25 years ago, through their then 3-year-old girls. “I was in a blur of depression,” says Liz, “I’d recently lost both my parents and I was struggling as a young wife and mother,” she says. “My sisters are the best, but when you’re the youngest, you have to behave a certain way and follow the rules you were raised with.” For Liz, that meant trying to be the perfect sister, spouse, nurse and mother. No judgments In other words, it meant not always showing her authentic self, something it can be easier to do with friends than family. “I would go to work or visit my sisters and smile; I’d pretend I was OK. I even pretended with my husband because I didn’t want him to worry,” Liz says. She didn’t pretend with Elis. “When I was with her, I wasn’t expected to be happy all the time,” Liz says. “She was very accepting. I could just go to her house and sit there quietly at her kitchen counter, whatever my mood, with no judgments.” There’s a certain kind of joy that comes from truly being known and understood, the way Liz felt known and understood by Elis, the way we feel with our closest friends. “My therapy was talking to Elis, being with her, and being myself with her,” Liz recalls. “That saved my life.” It has been well-documented by psychologists that social connections like family or a spiritual community are crucial to health and happiness. Indeed, a 2010 landmark study at Brigham Young University found that people with strong social ties have a 50 percent lower risk of dying than more solitary sorts, even if the socializers smoke or drink excessively. Certainly, a loving family has a huge influence on our well-being. But when it comes to day-to-day joy and ultimate life satisfaction, our friends play a crucial role. Read more: Friends With Benefits Friends and family: What’s the difference? There’s something unique about friendship, something that sets it apart from the far more widely studied bonds of family and romance. “There’s plenty of vibrant research on marriage and parent-child relationships, but friendship doesn’t get the focus it deserves,” says Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a visiting professor and researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century. In fact, we rely on friends to maintain our happiness—one reason being that there is not the same fear of judgments we may get from parents or a partner. “It can be easier to seek help from friends, to talk honestly about our health and behaviors without fear of worrying or angering them,” says psychologist Terri Apter, Ph.D., author of Best Friends: The Pleasure and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships. “It can also be easier to vent or moan to a friend and get uncomplicated positive feedback in return.” With family, it's complicated... Uncomplicated positive feedback is not necessarily something that most relatives are known for, however beloved they may be. “In friendships, there tend to be fewer hierarchies,” says Ruth Nemzoff, resident scholar at the Women’s Study Research Center at Brandeis University. But “in families, parents tend to have power over children, and older siblings may have power over the younger,” Ruth says. Marriage, too, comes with a wealth of complications that generally don’t arise with pals. “Unlike with a romantic partner, with friends, you don’t have the tension that comes with thinking about the future, or the complications that can arise with sex,” says Rebecca Graber, Ph.D., a lecturer in psychology at the University of Brighton in England. A matter of choice—and mutuality We also don’t get to choose our parents and siblings the way we do our friends. That simple act of choosing, say researchers, can bring a wealth of happiness benefits that may extend from childhood on. “We tend to expect help from our family, so we take it more for granted. But friendships are voluntary, so we often feel deeply grateful when our friends help us out,” Ruth says. And gratitude, as a raft of positive psychology studies have shown, is intimately linked with greater happiness. Ricki Frankel, 53, felt deeply thankful for the unconditional love and support she got from her former sorority sisters during and after her divorce. “We’d do group emails regularly and they were completely there for me,” says Ricki, an instructor at Stanford Business School. “It was comforting to have this group firmly and unequivocally with me during that difficult time.” With a little help from my friends That solid connection and support may foster the kind of pick-yourself-up attitude that helped Ricki get through her divorce and love again, and that nudged Liz through the darkest days of her depression. In an as-yet unpublished study of an international group of women ages 35 to 56 done at the University of Leeds in England, Rebecca found that women with these kinds of high-quality friendships were more resilient and had better life coping skills. “The same is true in children,” she says. In the May 2016 British Journal of Psychology, a study by Rebecca and colleagues reported that children in low-income neighborhoods with just one close friendship were more resilient than those without a good friend. “For both boys and girls, those with better friendships were likelier to get through difficult times without doing things like using drugs or disengaging,” Rebecca says. More evidence that the benefits of friendship start early: A 30-year Swedish study of 996 adults published in 2013 found that eighth-grade children who felt happy with their friends were more satisfied with life and friendships when they were in their 40s, compared with kids who felt rejected in eighth grade. Keeping it casual Of course, not every friend has to be a best friend, or even someone with whom we share our most intimate thoughts. One of the unique benefits of the friendship bond, both Ruth and Rebecca have found, is that most of us have different friends for different parts of life. “You can have your shopping friends, your book club friends and your running friends,” Ruth says. “Even if these friendships are casual, the more cohorts you have, the more parts of yourself get valued.” Surprisingly, the fragmentation that can characterize friendship is also beneficial to happiness: Because you don’t necessarily give your friends all of yourself, friendships can feel less complicated and, often, more fun than the bonds of family or marriage. “With all my sisters in my life, I never thought I’d need anyone to just play with,” says Liz. “But with my girlfriends, I don’t have that stifling history. I can just enjoy myself.” Another reason less-intimate friendships confer happiness benefits is because we have to do some work to keep them going, according to Rebecca. All that texting and calling to make a date (something we don’t do with a spouse), may make us value our friends more—which contributes to the pleasure we take from them. Think about it: You may not get the same jolt of delight when your spouse comes home (since he or she comes home every day) as you do when you finally manage to connect with a pal after umpteen emails and calendar reconfigurations. You don’t even have to see your friends in person to reap the benefits. A now-famous 2008 report in the British Medical Journal found that when our friends are happy, we may get happy, too—even if we don’t see or speak to them. The findings suggest that happiness can spread to up to three friends within a given social network, albeit within a fairly close geographical distance. Researchers found that if a happy chum lives within a mile, your chances of becoming happy increase 25 percent. In contrast, a happy sibling living within a mile increases happiness by only 14 percent; a cohabitating spouse by only 8 percent and happy co-workers not at all. Read more: Redefining Love Quality or quantity? Ultimately, though, researchers agree that having at least one close, intimate friendship trumps a large network of casual pals every time. “There is no ideal number of friends you must have to get the benefits,” Rebecca says. “If you have one or two people you can call true friends, who aren’t your partner or your family, you’re in a good place.” Indeed, a 2015 survey of 25,000 people done by researchers at Chapman University in Orange, California, found that the two biggest predictors of life satisfaction were quality of friendships and job engagement. “Quality beats out quantity across all dimensions, ages and genders,” says Brian Gillespie, co-author of the Chapman study. The question is, what counts as a quality friendship? Brian and his colleagues teased out three aspects they believe bump a bond from eh to essential: companionship (a person you can count on to show up at a big birthday or other milestone event) expressive support (a friend with whom you can talk about anything, including sex) and instrumental support (a friend who will do things with you or for you—like pick up when you call at midnight to cry about a breakup). Read more: Life Is More Fun When Shared With a Friend They'll be there for you Friendships with these components—quality friendships—play an important role outside the marital relationship, according to Brian. “They can relieve stress in the marriage because they serve as a sounding board, especially important if you are having problems with your spouse,” he says. “Friendships that have all of these qualities are also the most satisfying kind. And the more satisfied you are with your friendships, the more satisfied you are with your life. Having quality friendships, as opposed to a larger groupof casuals, may be especially important in middle age, when people are juggling kids and ailing parents, and may not have time for girls’/boys’ night out. “Once people reach their 30s, 40s and beyond, they tend to prune away the acquaintances and shift into higher-quality, more substantial friendships,” Brian says. Those are the kind of friendships that sustain us for the long haul. As Liz copes with the kinds of dramas that typically come with middle age, she remains glad that there’s one constant in her life: her unwavering, deeply comfortable bond with her best friend. “Whatever is going on, we can still laugh together, relax together, tell stories from all our years of friendship,” says Liz. “If someone asked me, ‘Who is your person in life?’ well, Elis is my person.” Listen to our Podcast with Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., on Relationships and Love Paula Derrow is an experienced writer, editor and content strategist. Learn more at PaulaDerrow.com.

relationships

Born to Love

Humans are social creatures. Sure, some of us like a little solitude now and then, but even introverts need to feel connected, cared for and understood. Our DNA compels us to seek relationships that satisfy those needs. From the most basic viewpoint, the biological need for connection may stem from the survival instinct; propagation and protection of the human species depend on the bonds of our relationships. But love and connection provide much deeper benefits than a simple response to the instinct to survive. Positive relationships contribute to better physical and mental health, longevity and, yes, happiness. Although your closest relationships, those with your partner, children and inner circle of friends, are most essential to your well-being and life fulfillment, feeling connected at work or in your community also contributes to happiness. You may not define your work or social connections as love, but when nurtured, they can stimulate a physical and emotional response that mirrors the benefits of close personal relationships. In his book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman presents evidence that social connection is as important to our survival as food and shelter. In fact, positive relationships are one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction. In a Harvard study of nearly 300 men over the course of 75 years, having meaningful relationships is identified as the only thing that truly matters in life. George Vaillant, one of the principal researchers, noted in his book Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study that even when the men had money, health and good careers, they weren’t happy unless they had strong, positive relationships. And it isn’t just emotional wellness that love and connection confer. In a recent meta-analysis of 148 smaller studies, researchers at Brigham Young University showed that loneliness and social isolation are just as deadly as obesity, smoking and other extremely negative factors. John Cacioppo, Ph.D., is the director of the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience and has studied the causes and effects of loneliness for many years; he is also the author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. When a person feels socially isolated, John has found, his or her body produces more of the stress hormone cortisol. As time goes on, too much cortisol in the system leads to organ wear and tear, which in turn can lead to a variety of maladies from depression to high blood pressure to major strokes. But if loneliness hurts, love and companionship heal, boosting both our health and our happiness. The biology of love “Just as your body was designed to extract oxygen from the Earth’s atmosphere and nutrients from the foods you ingest, your body was designed to love,” says Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D., director of the Positive Emotions & Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a leading researcher on the benefits of connection and the author of Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection. “Love—like taking a deep breath, or eating an orange when you’re depleted and thirsty—not only feels great but is also life-giving, an indispensable source of energy, sustenance and health,” Barbara says. When you feel loving, kind and trusting toward someone, Barbara says, your brain releases oxytocin into your body. Oxytocin is the calming and connecting hormone. What’s more, when your body releases oxytocin, it can stimulate a release of oxytocin in the other person, Barbara says. That’s why a crying child can often be calmed by a loving parent’s touch. It’s also how mutual trust is fostered in relationships. Besides producing oxytocin when we have warm and trusting feelings for another person, our bodies quell production of the stress hormone cortisol. This tandem event—a boost in oxytocin and a tamping down of cortisol—allows us to handle stressful situations, such as a conflict with a spouse or business person, more easily. Just as important as oxytocin’s role in our ability to connect with others is that of our vagus nerve, which links our brains to our hearts and other organs. The vagus nerve regulates the heartbeat and, working with oxytocin, stimulates the “calm and connect” response, Barbara says. “It stimulates tiny facial muscles that better enable you to make eye contact and synchronize your facial expressions with another person,” she says, adding that it even allows our ears to better distinguish another person’s voice against background noise. Finally, we are built not just to connect and love, but also to share those loving, good vibes. A 20-year study of 4,739 people known as the Framingham Heart Study concluded that happiness is contagious, spreading from person to person. Love is all you need Relationships compose one of the largest pillars upon which our happiness is built. So take time out for the people who matter to you. Deepen your existing relationships and be open to forming new connections. The three stories shared here show how, by nurturing the positive in a variety of relationships—with a spouse, family or one’s co-workers—life becomes rich in the truest sense of the word. Because when considering the famous question, “What’s love got to do with it?” the answer, as far as your happiness is concerned, is everything. Shawn Achor and Michell Gielan: When happiness experts fall in love A former TV reporter and anchor Michelle Gielan had shifted her career path to pursue a master’s in positive psychology. As part of her coursework, Michelle had read—and loved—Shawn Achor’s book The Happiness Advantage. So when she needed a mentor in her new field, she e-mailed the Harvard-trained happiness expert and asked to set up a meeting. It wasn’t the only reason she was looking forward to meeting him. “I had definitely looked at the back flap of the book and seen his picture,” Michelle laughs. A few short months after that first meeting, the two began dating and today they are married and have a toddler son, Leo. Shawn and Michelle knew that having healthy relationships is one of the greatest predictors of long-term happiness. In their own relationship, they’ve learned first-hand that by being intentional every day about the way they interact with each other, they can strengthen their marriage and add to each other’s happiness. “When we see each other for the first time after we’ve been away on a trip or for just a few hours, we always make sure to start our interaction by sharing something positive that’s happening,” Michelle says. Making the initial encounter a positive one sets the tone for the rest of the day. They also help each other recognize less-than-positive attitudes and behaviors so they can be stopped or adjusted. “We call each other out when one of us is going down an unproductive thought path,” Shawn says, “and suddenly you realize that the negativity isn’t going anywhere—it’s just spinning you around on an emotional cycle.” By the same token, when either party is stressed by work, travel or parenthood, the other asks for three good things that are happening at that instant. “So if she asks me to do that, suddenly I’ll realize, yeah, I’m traveling to give a talk on happiness that will help people,” Shawn says. “Or we’re on our way to the airport for a great, fun vacation. Or I’m with the people I love.” During disagreements, Michelle explains that the first thing to consider is that the other person is coming from a place of love. “I know that he’s got my back. So when we have a disagreement, we’re disagreeing about the thing, the event, not the other person fundamentally. And we’re also very big on communicating along the way, talking issues through as they pop up, so that they stay small things and don’t become big things.” Gary and Vicki Flenniken: More to love For 14 years, Gary and Vicki Flenniken lived full, mostly happy lives as a DINK couple (double income, no kids). But they felt that something was missing. They tried for years to have children and finally went through fertility testing. But just three days after Vicki began treatments, Gary’s old friend called in the midst of a family crisis. She told Gary that Child Protective Services (CPS) had removed her sister’s two children—one of whom was an infant—from her home and they were now in the friend’s care. The friend was panicked: She already had four children and felt overwhelmed. Gary and Vicki immediately offered to care for the baby. Suddenly, they were parents. “We brought her into our home with zero preparation. We didn’t have bottles, a bedroom for a baby, diapers; we didn’t have anything,” Gary says. Anything, that is, except love to share in abundance. During the next two years, the Flennikens waded through the long process of adoption and continued to love the little girl, whom they knew could be taken away from them at any moment. “It was an incredibly stressful time that taught us how to pray. We understand lamentations,” he says. “The joy, the relief that finally came when the judge said she was legally ours was overwhelming.” Ten years after welcoming their daughter, Sydney, into their lives, a phone call expanded their family once again. “We got a call from a friend who said her daughter was pregnant and in jail. She asked if we could be of any help finding a place for the baby,” Gary says. After hanging up, he turned to his wife and asked, “Are you ready for a baby?” Months later, Gary and Vicki watched their new adoptive son come into the world. The hospital even prepared a room for them and had Vicki snuggle the newborn on her bare chest to encourage bonding. Concerned that the baby may have been exposed to harmful drugs while still in the womb, doctors kept the baby, Zach, in the hospital for five days to watch for withdrawal symptoms. Because of that concern, hospital staff also contacted CPS to check on the woman’s other three children. A few months later, a caseworker told the Flennikens they needed a home for Zach’s two older brothers, ages 2 and 3. And a few short months after that, their older sister, Kylah, who had been living with her grandmother, joined the family. In less than a year, their family grew from three to seven members. “I wouldn’t trade any of it,” Gary says. For the first time in our life, we’re looking for places where kids eat free on Tuesday nights.” They laugh a lot, but sometimes there are tears, too. “The 2-year-old had been burned in hot water and was just traumatized when we put him in the bathtub the first time,” Vicki recalls. While his older brother splashed and played in the water, the little one screamed, “Hot, hot! Burn, burn!” “For 14 days, he just screamed at bath time, and it broke my heart. The first time he took a bath and didn’t cry, it was amazing,” Vicki says. “It took 14 days for him to trust me. God makes these little people so trusting. We need to learn from that. You can start over, and life can be good again. Now when we say, ‘Hey, it’s bath time,’ he’s the first one running up the stairs.” Gary and Vicki expect there to be ups and downs as the children grow and bond with them, but, says Gary, “We are blessed beyond belief, and we want people to know that adopting is a way to bring joy not just to the child, but to the entire family. We couldn’t be happier.” Jenn Lim and Ton Hsieh: Happy at work A 2013 Gallup report, State of the American Workplace, shows that happy workers are good for business: They’re more productive, more loyal and make the office a more enjoyable place to work. Jenn Lim, chief happiness officer of the Zappos spinoff consulting group Delivering Happiness, can attest to that: She was instrumental in helping Zappos founder Tony Hsieh create an environment where employees feel respected, cared for and connected. In 2003, the company was growing and its customer service was unparalleled, but the culture needed some work. Tony suggested that Zappos should hire people whom existing employees might “also enjoy hanging out with after work,” he recalls in his book Delivering Happiness. A movement was born, starting with the development of 10 core values based on input from everyone in the company. Two of those values include “Build open and honest relationships with communication” and “Build a positive team and family spirit.” Living up to these core values is part of an employee’s job description. One of the most enduring aspects of Zappos’ culture—one that has defined it from the start—is its sense of connectedness. “We are more than just a team—we are a family,” Tony explains in Delivering Happiness, where he tells how this quality is driven home by Robin P., an employee who lost her husband very suddenly. Robin’s first phone call conveying the news was not to a relative, but to her employer, Zappos. “That one action made me realize the strong connection I felt with my co-workers and the Zappos culture. It was essentially my home away from home.” Zappos gave her the time she needed, volunteered to cater the funeral service, offered her a shoulder to cry on and was her “refuge” and “healing place.” “We watch out for each other,” Tony says in Delivering Happiness, “care for each other, and go above and beyond for each other, because we believe in each other and we trust each other. We work together, but we also play together. Our bonds go far beyond the typical co-worker relationships found at most companies.” Jenn echoes this sentiment. “A sense of connectedness, that is, meaningful relationships, is one of the most sustainable forms of happiness. Relationships matter because people don’t show up to work because they have to—but because they want to be with their friends, their tribe. And they matter because people tend to go above and beyond when they share mutual respect and trust.” This excerpt is from the book Live Happy: 10 Practices for Choosing Joy, available online and at bookstores near you. Deborah K. Heisz is the CEO and Editorial Director of Live Happy.

relationships

4 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship

My longtime friend Sara has been what most would call “happily married” for 10 years. She and her husband both work outside the home; they have one child and a couple of pets. Lately, she told me, she and her husband fall into bed at night, exhausted, and he leaves in the morning before she wakes up. Every weekend is filled with kid-related activities and household chores. Sara loves her husband but feels like they’ve become more roommates than partners. They rarely talk about anything other than “life logistics,” and their romantic life consists of an occasional goodbye kiss on the cheek or a tap on the shoulder. Don't neglect your primary relationship Sara’s situation is one I hear often in my practice as a therapist. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the chaos of everyday life that we miss out on truly connecting with our partners—the ones who we are supposed to connect with most! Based on my experience, the No. 1 reason couples disconnect is not because they’ve grown apart or are too busy but because they don’t invest the time and energy necessary to stay connected. The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia in a 2012 study tested the importance of being connected in a relationship. Specifically, they found that date nights and designated couple time improved the success and quality of a relationship and even worked toward reducing stress. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win Even small connections count Of course, many of the couples I speak to claim that they simply do not have time for quality couple time. While taking a vacation alone together or spending three or four hours out on a regular date night are lovely ideas, something simpler can work almost as well. I’ve found that couples who take 20 to 30 minutes to connect three times a week with no distractions and no electronic devices are able to build a greater bond and feel many of the benefits of those who invest more time. As a first step, grab a glass of wine or a cup of tea and sit together on your porch or tucked into bed and just talk about things you are interested in or excited about. Avoid stressful discussions about money or dirty dishes left in the sink. Relationships are like any other important living thing—they need to be attended to, nurtured and cared for in order grow and thrive. Here are four ideas for you to start down the path of reconnection. 1. Create rules of connection When life gets busy, making plans to connect on a regular basis is key to reigniting and maintaining your intimate relationship. One couple I know cuddles every morning and every night they are together. This has become part of their routine, and even though sometimes they are both tired or rushed they set the alarm five minutes early or go to bed five minutes later to make sure that this happens. Another couple always walks the partner who is leaving to the car and gives a parting hug and kiss at the car door. This one extra minute of time is a nice way to connect before heading in separate directions. 2. Build in spontaneity and adventure While scheduled “together time” is important, you can also mix it up and keep things exciting with activities that are fun and spontaneous. Surprise your partner with a gourmet breakfast in bed. Crank up some great music and have an impromptu dance party in the middle of the kitchen. If you are more adventurous, train together for a marathon or try river rafting or bungee jumping as a weekend outing. 3. Make flirtation and intimacy a priority Send each other flirty texts or look through old photos of when you first met. Plan a date to go bowling or cruise Main Street to relive some of your first outings together. When it comes to sex and intimacy, find time for moments when you allow yourselves to get close physically—even if it is simply giving each other shoulder massages before bed. Couples always ask me about my view on scheduled intimacy, and I tell them that scheduled closeness is much better than no physical closeness at all! 4. Be interesting and interested One great way to connect with your partner is to be genuinely interested in what that person is thinking, feeling and doing. When your mate is in the mood to talk, ask questions, discuss favorite activities or what funny thing happened at work that day. Another great way to connect is to be interesting. Have a variety of topics to talk about, tell a great story about an experience you had in the past or in the present. People get so wrapped up in the monotony of their days, they come home from work and start the conversation with “I had a long day” or “what do you want for dinner?” Not very romantic. Try engaging with something like, “I read the most amazing story in the news today” or “where would you go if you could be anywhere right now?” With all our commitments to work, kids, finances and fitness regimes, it can be dangerously easy to neglect our relationships with our partners. Make time to engage, touch, talk, listen and, most of all, connect. Read more by Stacy Kaiser: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Listen to our podcast with Stacy: The Perfect Parent Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

10 Ways to Argue So Both Sides Win

Even in the happiest of relationships, there will be conflict. Sometimes it is a small disagreement; other times it feels like it could turn into an all out battle. Arguing with someone you care about is not easy or fun, and sometimes it feels like a seemingly unstoppable train moving full speed ahead. Most of us could give long lists of ways to escalate an argument: finger-pointing, blaming, being verbally abusive, etc. But often in times of stress we lack the tools to figure out how to turn an argument around and avoid the conflict or at least cool it down. Ideally, arguments should be about listening, being heard, compromise and solving problems. They should not be about winning, one-ups-man-ship or scorching your partner with insults or accusations. These tips will help you get through arguments in healthy and constructive ways: 1. Stay alert Watch for the danger signals that let you know you are headed into an argument to begin with. Things like criticizing, blaming, making statements such as "you always" and "you never," the raising of voices, nasty language or trying to assert power over the other person are all clear indicators that a fight is brewing. 2. Take a breather If you are the one who initiated the argument: take some time to cool off, gather your thoughts, and address your partner with the intention of getting your point across without things getting heated. Try to focus on communicating instead of "letting your partner have it," or "making him or her pay." If you realize that the discussion is taking a turn for the worse, suggest taking a break and starting things up again later. 3. Listen with respect If you are on the receiving end of an angry litany, let your partner know that you want to hear what he or she has to say and that you do not wish to argue. Attempt to listen in a respectful and interested way, indicating that you are trying to understand his or her point of view—even if you do not agree. 4. Keep priorities straight Whichever end of the argument you find yourself on, always be respectful and kind. Remember, you love this person. Read more: How Close Is Your Relationship? [Quiz] 5. Try to win together Remember that winning is about both of you walking away in a more peaceful and happy state. Do your best to avoid thinking about how you can win this argument or get your way, and instead think about how you both can win via compromise, by making a new plan of how to handle things for the future, or agreeing to disagree. 6. Avoid sounding like a broken record Even if you have a legitimate complaint, catch yourself and make sure you don’t repeat that complaint over and over again. Say your piece, try to solve the problem and move on. If you feel that you are not being heard or understood, try expressing yourself in a new way. 7. Let go when possible Ask yourself how much this issue really matters and if you can let it go. Sometimes distracting yourself or focusing on the positive about your partner can help you move out of frustration and back into a happy state of mind. 8. Think about solutions Going ‘round and ‘round in an argument just makes both people feel unhappy. Put your heads together and try to find a solution—a way out of the struggle and into a better mode of functioning. Read more: What's Your Communication Style? [Quiz] 9. Put yourself in the other person's shoes You don't have to agree with what your partner is saying in order to make an effort to see where he or she is coming from. When you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, often you can figure out why something is bothering him or her, and possibly help rectify it. The other benefit is that most people in an argument will calm down if they feel another person is understanding—or making the effort to understand and listen to—what they are trying to say. 10. Change the tone When conversations get heated, inserting a change in style can help lighten the mood. Throw in a bit of humor, a smile, or an inside joke. Start with something like, “Even though we are disagreeing, I appreciate that you are at least hearing out what I have to say.” And finally, try not to “pile on” by throwing in every grudge you’ve had for 15 years. Stick to the problem at hand. Taking the time out to improve your conflict-resolution skills will not just help your relationship, it will improve your overall happiness, and we know that there are so many benefits that go with being happy! Read more by Stacy Kaiser: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Listen to our podcast with Stacy Kaiser: The Perfect Parent Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Be Part of Character Day on September 22

relationships

Take Part in Character Day, September 22 [Video]

Since the early 2000s, researchers and psychologists have studied character strengths as defined by the VIA Institute on Character and looked at how they might be used in order to create positive change in the world. Three years ago, filmmaker Tiffany Shlain, founder of the nonprofit Let it Ripple, became so interested in the subject that she created the film, Science of Character. She then invited people around the globe to watch the film on a single day and use her discussion materials to talk about who they are and who they want to be in the world. “Over 1,500 groups participated,” says Makenzie Darling, producer, “and Character Day was born!” [video:https://vimeo.com/159254643 width:525 height:394 align:center autoplay:0] This year, the Sept. 22 event has more than 30,000 participants in over 40 countries, ranging from families and schools to corporations and organizations. A discussion kit includes a Periodic Table of Character Strengths and 44 discussion cards to help guide conversations about character strengths and their importance. For 2016, Character Day will also include a Global Google Hangout, featuring such notable experts as Angela Duckworth and Martin Seligman discussing character strengths, Makenzie says. “This is one day where people from all over the world can feel united,” she explains. “It allows people to come together, driving in-depth conversations about what makes them connected and human. It makes people question what their best character strengths are, and areas that they need to focus on.” She says the rapid growth of participation, and the volume of emails from around the world, confirm that people are looking for ways to connect in a positive way. “Character Day brings awareness and hope for a brighter future,” she says. For more on Character Day and how you can be a part of it, go to Letitripple.org. Listen to our podcast with filmmaker Tiffany Shlain as she discusses Character Day. Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

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Take Part in Character Day, September 22 [Video]

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