Relationships | Live Happy

Love and Happiness

In fairy tales, lasting love just happens. But in real life, healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. What follows is an excerpt from Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. Written by positive psychology experts and husband-and-wife team Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski, this is the first book to explain how you can use the principles of positive psychology to create thriving romantic relationships. *** As important as positive emotions are for us as individuals, they may be even more important for our relationships. They help us forge strong connections with others by breaking down boundaries that separate us from each other. By broadening our attention in ways that help us see ourselves as less distinct from others, they allow us to create all kinds of relationships, including romantic ones. When we are in romantic relationships we desire to expand ourselves by including our partner or spouse within our self and we associate that expansion of our self with the other. Overlapping Circles of Self This influential self-expansion model of love is based on the research of leading relationship scientist Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at Stony Brook University. Aron argues that self-expansion is a catalyst for positive emotions. He and his colleagues use pairs of overlapping circles to ask couples about their relationship quality. On one end of their scale, the pair of circles does not overlap at all, and at the other end, the circles overlap almost completely. The researchers have asked thousands of couples to pick which pair of circles best depicts how they feel about their relationship. The more overlap an individual feels with his or her partner, the better the relationship is likely to fare. This simple measure has been more effective than more complex surveys and interviews at predicting which couples will stay together and which will break up. While self-expansion triggers positivity, Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the leading researcher on positive emotions, finds it works the other way around, as well. In a variety of experiments, she has found that even lab-induced positive emotions can help people see more overlap between themselves and others. These emotions can help people feel closer and more connected to their loved ones. And the more you continually kindle positive feelings in your relationships, the more connected and happy you feel overall. Our Contagious Emotions Another way positive emotions can enhance relationships is through contagion. Just as we can pass colds along to our partners through physical contagion, so we can pass along our feelings to our partners through emotional contagion. Ever notice how when you spend time with your partner, you often wind up feeling the emotions he or she is experiencing? Emotional contagion is rather complex and often happens below the level of our consciousness. It results from the fact that we are built to mimic each other. As infants, we start mimicking our parents soon after we are born, behavior that is critical for our development and constitutes a primary pathway to learning and growing throughout our lives. Emotional contagion results from our tendency to copy or synchronize our facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and behaviors with those around us, and as a result take on their emotional landscape. So although the underlying processes are different, we can talk about catching emotions from others, just as we can talk about catching their colds. And just as there are those who are more susceptible to catching colds from others, there are those who are more sensitive than others to their emotional environment, and thus more likely to pick up the emotions of those around them. This experience, of course, is even more common than the common cold. How many times have you found yourself in a situation in which you are doing fine, but then you spend some time with a partner who is not doing fine? Soon you begin picking up the other person’s negative emotions, and before you know it, you are not doing fine, either. Your partner’s negative emotions have spread to you, and you are now feeling them yourself. How Emotions Spread Researchers have studied this phenomenon by various means and have documented ways in which emotional contagion can result in behavior change. One such researcher is Sigal Barsade, now professor of management at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. She and her colleagues conducted an experiment with ninety-two college undergraduates, bringing them into a lab and randomly assigning them to twenty-nine groups of two to four students each to simulate a managerial exercise. In some of the groups, she also included a research confederate, an actor trained to display a negative mood. Before beginning the managerial exercise, participants completed a mood questionnaire rating how they felt right at that moment. Each participant, including the confederate, took turns giving a presentation. Immediately afterward, participants completed another questionnaire with the same mood items they had rated previously. They were also independently rated by video coders trained to recognize emotion through facial expression, verbal tone, and body language. Sure enough, the groups with the research confederate became more negative over time, with lower levels of cooperation, decreased perceived performance, and more conflict as compared to the other groups in the study. . This indicates that negative emotions can not only spread to those around us but also negatively affect behavior and performance. This study and others like it show us how important it is to be aware of our emotional states. The negative emotions we are feeling can easily spread to our partners and this can affect not just how we feel but also how we behave. Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP and James O. Pawelski, Ph.D. © 2018 by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Suzann (“Suzie”) Pileggi Pawelski (MAPP) holds a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania. She is a freelance writer and well-being consultant specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on health and relationships. Suzie blogs for Psychology Today and writes the “Science of Well-being” column for Live Happy, where she is also a contributing editor. James O. Pawelski, PhD, James O. Pawelski, PhD, is Professor of Practice and Director of Education in the Positive Psychology Center and Adjunct Professor of Religious Studies in the School of Arts and Sciences at the University of Pennsylvania. He is the Principal Investigator on a three-year, $2.5M grant from the Templeton Religion Trust on “The Humanities and Human Flourishing.” Together, Suzie and James give Romance & Research® workshops around the world. Go to buildhappytogether.com to interact with the authors.

relationships

The Holiday Celebration I’ll Never Forget

Traditions help give our holiday get-togethers meaning and comfort. What cherished memory springs to mind for you? Is it your family’s quirky rituals around opening gifts or the certainty that the chestnut stuffing will be sensational? Some know exactly where everyone will sit at the holiday table, including Dad at the carving station and Aunt Ida and Uncle Ed where they have the best shot of claiming the turkey legs. Then there are the holidays that take an unexpected departure in ways that test our abilities to improvise, to find a lesson in near disasters or to move on through grief. Here, three people share their most unforgettable holiday celebrations. Caroling in the Emergency Room Rade B. Vukmir, M.D., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania As an emergency and critical-care physician for three decades, I’ve worked a lot of holidays. Anyone who’s in the emergency medicine business—nurses, doctors, secretaries, administrators, paramedics—has. It’s often an especially busy time because doctors’ offices and urgent-care centers are closed and we get our share of holiday-related emergencies, like people who fell off a ladder when they were decorating the tree. And then you have some people coming in because they have nowhere else to go and they want to experience some holiday spirit. Maybe they’re elderly or disadvantaged. We do our best to be welcoming. There are always trays of cookies and tins of popcorn that the nurses have put out. You might not be with your family, but there’s a strong feeling of camaraderie and the sense that you’re where you need to be. The morning of Dec. 24, 2006, was quiet. The nurses were restocking supplies in the patient rooms before things got too busy. Then, in the late morning a patient in her mid-80s was brought in by ambulance. She’d fallen and hit her head. Like a lot of elderly patients in the ER, she seemed disoriented by her surroundings. I stepped outside so the nurses could help her get into a hospital gown and ready for suturing. I heard one nurse ask from behind the closed curtain if the patient had a favorite Christmas carol. She responded, “Silent Night.” And then in tones as pure and clean as angels, the nurse began to sing and the patient joined in. Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon virgin, mother and child Another nurse came in from the room where she’d been working and then still another nurse. Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace. As I finished the laceration repair, the nurses continued, through all three verses of “Silent Night” and then on to “Joy to the World” and other Christmas carols. That experience would inspire the title of my second book, The ER: One Good Thing a Day. That’s all any of us can hope for—to do one good thing a day, and achieving that, led by the dedication and compassion of our nursing team, made that Christmas as good as it gets. Finding a Mission After a Christmas Mugging Jason Woods, Little Rock, Arkansas It was close to midnight on Dec. 23, and I was waiting for the bus in a deserted town on the outskirts of Peru. I was returning from a holiday celebration with some other members of the social-justice nonprofit where I was doing an internship. It was a long way from my home in Stillwater, Oklahoma, but while I missed spending the holiday with my family, I was flying to Buenos Aires the next morning to meet some friends, and I was excited about that. When I was approached by a guy asking me for money to ride the bus, I said no. I’d seen him a few minutes before counting his money as he came out of a store, so I knew he had enough change for the bus. When he said, “If you don’t give me money I’m going to slit your throat,” I pretended not to understand Spanish. Then he put his arm around my shoulder and ran his hand across my throat to pantomime his intention. After a couple of minutes of the standoff, as a few people started showing up at the bus stop, he put his hand in my pocket, grabbed my cellphone and ran off. I spent Christmas Eve alone on a layover in the Santiago de Chile airport and then got to Buenos Aires on Christmas. My friends were arriving the next day and the hostel was pretty much empty except for a woman from California named Sarah who was about my age. We decided to go out for a Christmas dinner together and, after lots of searching, found an Italian restaurant that was open. Over pizza and a bottle of wine, we chatted for the next four hours, talking about everything—experiences in South America, relationships, our families. Sarah could tell that I was still kind of flustered by the mugging, and she was very open, friendly and eager to celebrate with me. It ended up being a pretty fabulous Christmas. It’s been six years now. Sarah and I haven’t seen each other again, but we’re Facebook friends, and she’s definitely left her mark on me. I still travel a lot in my job as a writer for the nonprofit Heifer International, and I try to be there for people who are beset by minor disasters the way Sarah was there for me. Coming back from Tanzania with my photographer not long ago, we ran into a British woman at the airport who was in crisis mode. The airline had lost her reservation and after many hours she still couldn’t get on a plane. With no place to eat at the airport she was pretty famished. “I would kill for some Indian food now,” she said. The photographer and I had some time to spare, so we left the airport, went to a local Indian restaurant we knew and, after some finagling with the restaurant on how to do takeout, loaded a plate for her from the buffet. When we showed up again at the airport, she was amazed and overjoyed. That’s the Sarah effect. She turned me into someone who tries his best to look out for wayward travelers. The Family Dog Offers a Lesson in Coping With Grief Rachel Ghadiali, Alexadra, Virginia My dad passed away in March 2013 and none of us were in the mood to celebrate Christmas that year. My mom had always gone all out; she actually had a whole room in the house filled with Christmas decorations. We’d put up a big tree and lots of smaller ones, along with a bunch of different Santas and tons of lights. That year we thought about canceling Christmas, but instead mom put up one small tree and a few trinkets. Every year I would bring my dad a box of chocolate-covered cherries, and I still brought them that year. We opened that, along with our other gifts. My mom had cooked a traditional Christmas meal, and we were looking forward to that. At the last minute, we decided to visit Grandma (my dad’s mother), who lived only a few minutes away and was with other family members. So my mom, my brother, my husband and I all hopped into the car. We left dinner on the stove and told Rosy, my well-trained 5-year-old German shepherd, we’d be right back. When we returned about 30 minutes later, Rosy greeted us like her normal, happy-go-lucky lovable self. But when we walked into the kitchen it was mayhem. We’d left Rosy alone with food a million times and she had never counter surfed before. But this time she had gone to town, pulling everything off the stove to enjoy her own Christmas feast and leaving only scraps for us on the floor. We were shocked, and then we all burst out in laughter. None of us were angry. It was almost like there was so much sadness in the house, Rosy did what she had to do to break the tension and help us laugh again. So, we cooked up some hamburgers, made nachos with chips and cheese out of a can and broke into thecheeseball and fruitcake that mom’s friends had given her as gifts. We ate dad’s chocolate-covered cherries and, as we did every single Christmas, we sat down as a family and watchedA Christmas Story. Our spirits lifted, thanks to Rosy, and it felt as if dad were there right beside us. *** 3 Ideas for a Memorable Holiday Celebration Want to mix things up a bit? Here are some ways to tweak your annual Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s festivities. Share Plates for a Cause Robert Egger, president and founder of the nonprofit L.A. Kitchen, decided to try an alternative to the gala fundraiser this year. In a citywide weekend of dinner parties called Shared Plates, people invited guests into their homes for a ticket price of usually $75 and provided a communal meal. The host or co-hosts covered food costs and 100 percent of the ticket sales went to fight hunger. “We wanted to bring things back to street level and instead of one big light in a ballroom, we’d have hundreds of lights all over the city,” Robert says. “People did everything from a pizza party in a USC dorm to elaborate sit-down dinners in Beverly Hills.” The concept can easily be adapted for a local shelter, food bank or any cause of your choice. For host tips, check outsharedplates.org. Host a Meetup, or Be a Guest at One Last year, ReginaRodríguez-Martin, an American culture coach, tried an experiment. She posted notice of a Thanksgiving Chicago Language Exchange Meetup, inviting expats of all stripes to her home for a traditional holiday feast. Everyone who responded was assigned a dish (she handled turkey duties), and on T-Day her one-bedroom home was filled with guests from Russia, Honduras, Mexico, Kazakhstan, Lebanon and China, along with a few local friends and neighbors. “I’ve been that person with no family in a new city, wondering what I’m going to do on a holiday,” Regina says. “Not only did I feel I was extending a welcoming hand, it turned out to be a really great party and I’ll be doing it again this year.” Start your own holiday meetup. Organize a Progressive Potluck For a fun twist on the potluck, make it a progressive dinner, where each course is served at someone else’s home. (This works best for friends or family who live within walking distance.) The afternoon or evening might begin with munchies and cocktails at one home; appetizers, soup or salad at the next; the main course at a third home; and dessert at your final destination. SearchPinterestfor inspiration and ideas. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

relationships

5 Tips for Raising Happy Kids as a Single Parent

The makeup of the “typical” American family has changed a lot in the past 50 years; these days you can find all kinds of different configurations. In 1960, the number of children under age 18 being raised in a two-parent household was 88 percent, according to census data. In 2016, that number had declined to 69 percent. Dual-parent families are still the majority, but being a single parent is no longer as unusual—or as stigmatized as it once was. There are many reasons why a single parent might be raising a family by her or himself, starting with divorce, death and personal choice. Regardless of the reason, single parents face unique challenges that even the most well-adjusted, tuned-in parent can struggle with. I know from personal experience that single parents need support to make their lives and the lives of their children easier, happier and less stressful. Here are some ways to increase your child’s happiness if you are a single parent: 1. Create routines. Schedules and structure make things easier for children because they will know what to expect and that predictability will lower stress for everyone in the household. As my children were growing up, they had a set bedtime and routines that included having lunch boxes and backpacks by the door the night before. We even had weekend routines that included lazy mornings of TV watching and picnic breakfasts. 2. Load up on love, praise and attention. Many single parents deal with financial challenges and the guilt of not being able to provide everything you or your children might want. Your children do not need lavish gifts, expensive outings, expensive tennis shoes or to go to the priciest summer camp. Instead, they need quality time, affection and memory-making experiences. Consider free or low-cost activities such as going on nature walks and taking pictures or baking several kinds of cookies on a weekend afternoon. You can even make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and deliver them to the local fire department. When my kids and I did this one year, the firefighters let them put on their hats and climb onto the trucks for a photo op—it was a win-win and made a terrific memory! 3. Teach gratitude. Children in single-parent families sometimes become acutely aware of things they are missing that other families have. I have often heard children complain about having less money, or two places to visit for the holidays, or that they do not have two parents at a school event, etc. If children (or any of us for that matter) spend too much time focused on the holes in our lives we can end up unhappy and even depressed. While these issues may be realities, it is important to take time to focus on the positives. Teach your kids to appreciate what they do have, whether it is the roof over their head; gifts for their birthdays; or a parent who makes them a sack lunch every day, helps them with homework and watches their favorite television show with them. Here is one great exercise to boost gratitude: At Friday night family dinners, go around the table and say what you are thankful for. 4. Pat yourself and your kids on the back. As a single parent, we are often too hard on ourselves and on our kids. We can get so wrapped up in balancing and juggling it all that we forget to take time out for praise. Give yourself and your children credit for your efforts and hard work. Have an afternoon applause session for you and your child because you quizzed him or her for hours and the result was an A, or because you and your child baked until midnight to get those cupcakes made for the school bake sale. Before dinner each night or even once a week take time out to compliment each other. 5. Connect with similar families. All parents need some grown-up time, and all children need some time to be influenced and entertained by others. Connect with another single parent who has kids close in age and take turns watching each other’s children, having sleepovers and doing activities together. When my kids were young, another single mom and I did three activities each month: One where I had all of the kids and she had a break, one where she had the kids and I got some grown up time, and one where both of our families did things together. We made sure to plan fun and interesting outings or activities for the kids, such as trips to the zoo or museum or cherry picking and swim races at a local pool. We saved money on babysitting while providing our kids with fun and a close bond with other children in the neighborhood. Plus, they had three fun activities with another family to look forward to each month! Stacy Kaiser is a Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and editor at large for Live Happy. As a former weekly advice columnist for USA Today with more than 100 appearances on major networks, including CNN, FOX and NBC, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.

relationships

Know When to Intervene With Your Teen

Part of adolescent development involves gaining independence, making good choices and learning the skills required to successfully move into adulthood. As a therapist and parent of two older children, I have experienced—both personally and professionally—the dilemma of not knowing whether to intervene or stay away when a teen is having trouble. As parents we have a daunting challenge to strike a balance between hovering on the one hand and being too distant or disconnected on the other. From a psychological point of view, it is very important that we let our kids have the autonomy to make mistakes on their own. It will improve their self-esteem and ability to cope in the world and will increase their skills set to take on more difficult challenges in the future. That said, a hands-off approach can leave a teenager feeling lost, un-cared for, and can even leave them in situations that might be detrimental to their emotional or physical well-being. Parents often need to become detectives who gather information and awareness of what is taking place in their children's lives so that they can better decide if and when help is needed—and if it's needed, how much to give. Here are some guidelines to help you decide when, whether and how much to get involved. Read more: 4 Ways to Raise High-Achieving Kids 1. Know your teenager Take a moment to truly assess the type of teenager you have. Is she easily influenced? Oblivious to dangerous situations? A risk taker? Someone who doesn't often think through the consequences of her actions? If you have answered yes to any of these questions then it is important for you to be more aware of what's going on and more involved in your child's life. Invest time to learn the details of your child’s day-to-day activities. Look for these potential warning signs, but at the same time, teach her more life skills she may be lacking and look for signs of improvement and growth so that you can shift toward the positive when you interact. 2. Assess your relationship with your teenager Are the two of you close? Does he communicate with you on a regular basis and share details about his life? Do you have contact with his friends and feel as if you know what is going on? Or do you find that you are shut out and unaware of what is happening? The more open your relationship is with your child, the easier it is for you to assess your need for involvement and intervention. The less you know, the more that you might need to worry—so stay informed. This is an area where balance is critical: If you are too intrusive, he might become more secretive, but if you are too unaware you could miss important concerns. 3. Be aware of your teen’s environment What activities is your teen involved in, and who does he or she hang out with on a regular basis? Do you know her friends? If your teen is in situations that hold the potential for emotional, social, financial or physical danger, it is important for you to increase your level of involvement. (Often a parent will see potential danger where a teen sees none; that's part of the job.) A parental or trusted adult presence, be it emotional or physical, can be a strong deterrent for risky behaviors and can also provide a feeling of support. 4. Examine your own emotional well-being Even though we are older, wiser and more experienced than our children, emotional distress can make us vulnerable and impact our own decisions about when and whether or not to intervene with our kids’ lives. Look inside to see if your own difficult childhood, or simply something negative you are going through at the present time, might be affecting your involvement (or over-involvement or lack of involvement) in your teen’s life, and see if you might need to make corrections. Read more: Teen Angst or Teen Anguish? Read more: Make the Best of Your Empty Nest Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

Know Your Kids’ Strengths

Lea Waters, Ph.D., the Gerry Higgins Chair in Positive Psychology at the University of Melbourne, Australia, and the president of the International Positive Psychology Association, has witnessed the powerful effects of strengths on students through her award-winning work with schools over the past decade. Lea knew that using strengths at home could be even more powerful and began applying them with her kids to help foster optimism and resilience. Her book is The Strength Switch: How the New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish. LIVE HAPPY: What is strength-based parenting? LEA WATERS: Strength-based parenting (SBP) is an approach that focuses first on your child’s strengths—their talents, positive qualities, what your child does well—before attending to their faults and shortcomings. Rather than putting your attention on fixing what’s wrong with your kids, it’s about switching your focus to amplify what’s right. LH: How did you come up with the strength switch and how does it work? LW: Once I trained myself what to look for, I could see strengths easily and everywhere. This was when life was calm and happy and my brain could focus. However, when I was stressed and tired or when my kids were acting out, I found it hard to see their strengths. I needed a real-time mental tool to short-circuit the negativity. I came up with the strength switch. I literally picture a switch and watch it flick inside my head to turn the spotlight off the negative and on the positive. It reminds me that to be a successful strength-based parent, I need to look at what my kids have done right before I look at what they’ve done wrong. LH:What results have you found? LW: My parenting is more intentional, coherent and consistent. My children understand they have strengths that can be used to help them navigate tough times and make the most of the good times. They can also see the strengths in others, enabling them to form strong relationships and help others shine. My research shows that when teenagers have strength-focused parents, they report better psychological outcomes, including greater life satisfaction, increased positive emotions such as joy and hope, enhanced understanding of their own strengths and decreased stress. Strengths help teens meet homework deadlines, deal with friendship issues and cope better with stress. Listen to our podcast with Lea Waters: Read more about strengths: Put Your Strengths to Work! Read more about parenting: What Great Parents Do Differently Suzann Pileggi Pawelsiholds a master's in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and is a contributing editor toLiveHappy. Her first book,Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts,written with her husband, James Pawelski, Ph.D., comes out in January 2018.

relationships

Dog Days of Happiness

Our lives have become so hectic. We worry about where we need to be tomorrow, stress over what we didn’t accomplish yesterday and are too distracted to be fully present now. If our canine companions could talk, they would advise us to live in the moment by following five strategies. Listen to our podcast:The Dog's Guide to Your Happiness with Garry McDaniel 1. Live Your Purpose Dogs understand that their purpose is to be our loyal friends and protectors. Are you clear on what your purpose is in life? Determine your priorities. Let your purpose shine in everything you do as a friend, parent, artist or whatever drives your passion. 2. Be Present When dogs are with you, they are with you; they are not multitasking. We should be as considerate as our dogs. Put down the phone, turn off the computer and focus on the people around you. Listen, reflect, ask questions and share your thoughts in more than a short tweet. 3. Be Childlike When out for a walk, my dog takes an interest in every person, dog or object he meets. As a child, you had a similar sense of wonder, everything was new and worth investigating. Notice the beauty around you and try something new today! 4. Be Playful My dog never tires of playing fetch, rolling in the grass or playing tug-of-war with his rope toy. When is the last time you played just for the sake of it? Move your body, dance, sing, throw the ball, have fun and do not be afraid to look silly. 5. Do It NOW Humans think if we work 10–12 hours a day, someday we will slow down and enjoy life. That sunset is happening now. Your family members need to be told they are loved now. Our dogs would tell us that life is short and we should enjoy the present! Read more: 5 Ways Our Pets Make Us Happy Garry McDaniel and Sharon Massen are authors of The Dog’s Guide to Your Happiness: Seven Secrets for a Better Life from Man’s Best Friend. Visit happydogsecrets.com and share what you have learned from your dog that has enhanced your view on personal, family or professional life and relationships.

Live Happy's Ideas to Recharge on Mother's Day

relationships

7 Ways to Recharge This Mother’s Day

Being a mom is truly an incredible, life-changing experience. It is also a job—one that requires a wide variety of skills. At different times, we moms are required to be doctors, teachers, mediators, chefs, bookkeepers, housekeepers, costume designers, make-up artists, jugglers and more! We need to deal with what's happening in the moment while also planning for the future. We meet many of the wants and needs of our partners, friends and even our community. On top of all that, many of us have to earn an income or even support our families. While many women might feel like they might buckle under the pressure, most of us just say we’ve “got it” and do all we can to take care of what comes with the job. Some of us get so consumed by the demands of our children and families that we are left exhausted and even depleted. In my role as a therapist, I have spoken to many mothers who tell me they are so busy focusing on everyone else that they have forgotten their own needs. Take care of yourself, too This Mother’s Day, why not give yourself a gift, and choose this celebratory moment to commit to taking better care of yourself? I have suggested this idea to a few moms I know, and while many welcomed the idea, I’ve also gotten looks of concern and resistance. Some women feel a sense of obligation or guilt when it comes to taking care of their families, almost as if self-sacrifice is part of the job description once we become mothers. While I do believe it is normal for mothers to make sacrifices, I also think it’s imperative we realize there is a line between sacrifice and suffering. Sadly, many moms I talk to are suffering because they are not getting their needs met. This is not healthy, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of when it comes to practicing self-care. Replenish your energy There is a big difference between self-care and selfishness. Self-care involves taking moments to assess how you're doing and engaging in practices that nurture your emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual well-being. Taking time to replenish your energy does not mean you have “excessive or exclusive concern with oneself,” which is how Merriam-Webster’s defines selfishness. Being a mother means putting others’ needs ahead of your own—most of the time. We are so busy taking care of kids that we forget to properly take care of ourselves. Here are some tips to help recharge your energy before you burn out or reach an emotional low-point: 1. Keep something in the tank When the mother suffers, the children suffer. If we are depleted, we have little or nothing left to give. Keep this in mind when you think about self-care. 2. Put it on the calendar Schedule “mommy time” on your to-do list. Bubble baths, long walks, dinner out with mom friends (don't only talk about the kids at these!) are all great ways to recharge. If we don't plan for fun and relaxation, it may not happen. 3. Phone a friend Build a support system that can cover you when you are in a jam. We all need friends who can pick up the kids, loan a cup of sugar, help with a project, etc., when we are in a bind. 4. Find fun Domestic life can feel routine. Remember what activities you enjoyed as a kid. Find times to laugh with friends as well as your family. It relieves stress and lifts your mood. 5. Draw the line Establish healthy boundaries. Set limits on your time; create rules for the family to follow that will make your life easier; learn to say no. 6. Mom is not your doormat (chauffeur, chef, maid, etc.) If people see that they can take advantage of you with no repercussions, they will. If your family knows you will stay up all night to finish their last-minute projects, they will think nothing of handing you their night-before homework the next time. 7. Be well Develop healthy physical and emotional habits. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat healthy food and make time to exercise. Monitor your emotional and spiritual self on a regular basis, and deal with negative feelings as they arise. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

5 Essential Factors for Raising Resilient Kids

In my personal interactions with parents, I am often asked the pressing question: “How did my child end up this way?” How is my child so happy? So helpful? So cautious? So aggressive? This extends to specific personality traits and behaviors, both positive and negative. Based on my experiences as a parent, coupled with my years studying child development as a professional, I have found that both nature and nurture play a role in shaping individuals. Nature is what people are born with in terms of temperament, intelligence and abilities. Nurture refers to influences from the environment, both immediate (like family and community) and more removed (like societal norms and expectations). Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, “Children Learn What They Live,” does a great job expressing my point of view regarding the external influences that profoundly affect children’s development with lines such as these: If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient. The concept is quite simple: The actions, words and environment that children are exposed to significantly influence who they are. If they are raised with a healthy dose of positive and motivational experiences, they have a stronger likelihood of being happy, healthy, resilient, positive people. Lead by example There are many ways that we, by example, can contribute to our children’s positive learning. Sometimes our teaching is intentional. We teach our children the importance of good nutrition by taking them to the market and encouraging them to help prepare and enjoy healthy meals. We introduce them to exciting adventures and opportunities to show them the benefits of exploration and being open to new experiences. Lessons can also be more subtle. Our children learn from watching how we interact with others. If we apologize for our mistakes, hold the door for someone in a wheelchair or carry someone’s bag for them, we teach our children the importance of doing so. Similarly, if we grab our children by the arm aggressively every time they misbehave, we are teaching them that getting physical with a person when angry is acceptable. Consider these five essential factors in determining the extent to which children learn what they live: 1. Safety Abraham Maslow, a pioneer in the field of child development, stated that safety is the foundation for anyone to accomplish anything. If we do not feel safe, it is difficult to function and therefore meet our basic needs. Safety refers to both physical and psychological indicators, ranging from having a physically safe school or home to emotional abuse and bullying. It also refers to a feeling of emotional comfort to take risks and be adventurous, knowing that there is a solid, safe place to return to after trying something new. 2. Balance Giving children a sense of balance and teaching them how to juggle the ups and downs of life is an essential life skill. The “everything in moderation” philosophy is taught by example and reinforced by parents, and if executed well, can have profound and positive influences on the way children live their lives. Some cake is perfectly fine to eat, but the entire cake or cake every day can be unhealthy. 3. Role modeling Children learn both healthy and maladaptive behaviors from observing those around them. For example, when children see parents brushing their teeth every morning and evening, they learn good oral hygiene habits. Psychological behavior, like having a positive attitude or taking things in stride, are also learned by example. Conversely, one client’s son picked up on her practice of speaking in a very loud voice, which started to cause problems when it was interpreted negatively by his teachers and coaches. 4. Adventure and openness to new things Interest and curiosity are the foundations of knowledge, growth and change. Infusing our children’s lives with opportunities to try new things will teach them to take risks, enjoy the thrill of adventure and push themselves to grow through exploration. 5. Acceptance of self and others Every day, I meet with people who are unhappy with who they are and the people around them. Sometimes their unhappiness stems from real issues that need to be changed, but people—both adults and children—also struggle with things they have little control over. There’s the boy who has to study twice as hard as his peers to get good grades in math, the girl who despises her curly hair, the painfully shy child who dreads birthday parties—they all struggle with aspects of themselves. As parents, we need to emphasize acceptance as a cornerstone of learning. Those of us who are better at practicing self-acceptance are happier, more motivated, more resilient and more likely to be successful. While life poses many challenges, we have choices in how we tackle them. We teach our children valuable and powerful lessons from how we live our lives. We should be mindful of the degree to which our conduct teaches children about life, their places in society, their futures and their values. Creating safe, balanced, accepting environments for our children will enhance their happiness, successes and resiliency. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

How Romantic Are You? [Quiz]

Romance is a wonderful thing—it infuses spontaneous warmth and passion into a relationship. Most romantic people are in love with love; they get extra enjoyment out of fantasy, idealism and little gestures of endearment. Pretty much all of us feel romantic when we begin new relationships. Some of us feel more romantic during sentimental times or just for vacations, date nights or anniversaries. Others can infuse their days with romance on a regular basis. When a couple is on the same page about romance and romantic gestures, it can create a greater bond and be a wonderful route to experiencing more joy together. The question is: How romantic are you? 1. Do you ever create a romantic scene like you'd see in the movies? (Rose petals on the bed or walkway, candles around the room, etc.?) As often as possible, I should have stock in a candle company! I’ve done my share of romantic scenes. Rarely or Never. Those are just clichés. 2. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, I am all about instant love! It could be possible for some people some of the time. Not in real life; only in movies. 3. Do you daydream about romantic places or ideas? One of my favorite things to do! I have had my daydreaming moments. I am not a daydreamer; I live in the real world. 4. Do you find yourself emotionally moved by sentimental gestures? I am easily moved by sentimental gestures. I have my sentimental moments. I am not sentimental. 5. Are you into chick flicks? Romance novels? Still watching shows like The Bachelor in hopes of people finding love even though most of the season’s couples have broken up? Most of my movie, television and book choices involve romance. I sometimes seek out romantic stories and shows. I prefer action, adventure, crime…pretty much anything but romance. 6. Do you write poems and love letters to your special someone? All the time! Maybe on a special occasion or once in a while. Never. 7. Do you use pet names for your partner? So often that I rarely call him/her by his/her real name. I have moments of using pet names or terms of endearment. Not my style. 8. Do you enjoy spooning and cuddling? I will take all of the physical affection I can get. At convenient and appropriate moments in time. I am not much of a cuddler or spooner. 9. Have you brought your partner breakfast in bed? It is something I love doing. I have before and would again. Maybe a granola bar as he/she is headed out the door, but not in bed. 10. Do you plan romantic activities? Those are some of the best kinds of activities, so yes! I mix in romantic activities with other types of activities. Rarely if ever. 11. Do you take initiative in your relationship to be romantic, even if your partner does not? Yes, it is a priority for me. I will do it if it’s been a while. No, it is not all that important or necessary. 12. Do you keep mementos from experiences with your partner, like concert ticket stubs, wine corks and sentimental items from trips? I have enough to fill a scrapbook! I have a few select items from over the years. I am not really into that kind of stuff. 13. Do you know what it is to feel mushy inside? Yes, I am a mush ball, and I love that mushy feeling. I have my mushy moments. Not a pleasant feeling or one I have often. 14. Do you and your partner have a special song together? Yes, and I can tell you exactly what it is. There are songs that make me think of him/her but nothing official. Not really. Some couples do that kind of thing. 15. Would you call yourself a person who is a romantic? I am a romantic, and I am proud of it. I would say I can be romantic, but I am not sure that I am one. I would not describe myself that way. If most of your answers are A: You are a person who tends toward romance and being romantic. You like the idea of love, and the gestures and feelings that come with it. You make romantic experiences a priority and feel most fulfilled when you and your partner are creating those experiences. While very romantic people are passionate, creative and often joyful, they can have moments where the fantasy of a situation leaves them disappointed. You are clearly the type of person that will seek out and create romantic experiences. Be careful to communicate your needs and desires and not to be disappointed when your partner or the moment may not be exactly as romantic as you are. If most of your answers are B: You have your romantic moments and allow yourself to feel and experience romance. You have been known to initiate romantic activities and would likely welcome a partner who enjoyed these types of gestures. You may make romance a priority during sentimental times, or perhaps you sprinkle little bits of it into various moments in your life. Ask yourself if you have the right balance in your life of romance, and adjust the amount if you feel that it is lacking or a bit too much for your taste. If most of your answers are C: You are someone that either shies away from romance or avoids it altogether. While there is no rulebook that says that romance is a must-do or must-have, it is important for you to ask yourself if life this way is working for you. If both you and your partner are fine with this minimal amount of romance and your relationship is working well, then perhaps you want to leave things as they are. If you or your partner are finding that your relationship could use more romance, or if you believe that your lack of romantic skills or feelings are impeding you from finding a relationship, then you might want to make more of an effort to step up your romantic game while still staying somewhat within your comfort zone. Find romantic gestures that work for your style! Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Although the movies would have us believe otherwise, a long, happy marriage isn’t a matter of simply finding the right person. Lasting love requires commitment and developing healthy habits that can sustain through both good and bad times. It’s not just about romance; as it turns out, there’s actually a science to making love last. James O. Pawelski, Ph.D., and Suzann Pileggi Pawelski are more than just positive psychology experts; they are a married couple who looks at relationships through the lens of positive psychology. Their new book, Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts, shares their insight along with innovative strategies for building stronger, healthier unions. LIVE HAPPY: Many books explain how to achieve greater happiness; what made you want to write about the topic of happiness specifically as it relates to couples? JAMES & SUZANN: Although there were many excellent research studies demonstrating the potential to help couples, no one had put them together into an easily accessible format or book. There was a lot of interest on the topic, but not much out there in the popular media. We saw writing the book together as a shared project we could undertake to help develop and strengthen our own marriage while simultaneously providing a resource that could help other couples, as well. LH: What’s the biggest misconception people have about happiness and relationships? J&S: That “happily ever after” just happens. That’s not the case, except in fairy tales and films. LH: How does your book help change that perception? J&S: It demonstrates, through scientific research and real-life examples, that healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. Becoming happy together is an ongoing process comprised of sustained effort and conscious cultivation of healthy habits. LH: Were there any new things that you learned about your relationship through the process of writing this book together? J&S: That our unique strengths that initially attracted us to one another and helped build our bond are also the strengths that, when not understood and respected in one another, can cause pain and misunderstanding. LH: Aspects of each of you shine through in this book—and really serve as a great illustration of how you apply the give and take in a relationship. How did you work through any challenges that arose from developing/writing this book? J&S: We practiced mindfulness meditation. At times when we needed a breather, that’s what we literally did. We took a break and some deep breaths. We were then able to return to the task at hand and work together better. LH: Although it’s about happiness as a couple, this book also is a great introduction to positive psychology for those who haven’t yet experienced it. How do you think people can use these relationship lessons in other areas of their lives? J&S: We feel that the interaction model of strengths that we developed—an approach that focuses on not just how we express love, gratitude and kindness, for example, but also how we respond to them—are important for all relationships. This approach can be used and practiced in our daily interactions, not just with our spouses and romantic partners but also with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. LH: What’s the No. 1 thing you hope readers take away from your book? J&S: Building love that lasts takes effort. It doesn’t just happen. And that effort needs to be well directed. A good way to direct that effort is to find and feed the good in yourself and your partner, rather than focusing on problems and what’s wrong in the relationship. And scientific research in positive psychology gives specific, effective ways of finding and feeding the good. Read more: Love and Happiness and The Power of Passion Listen to our podcast: How to Build Love That Lasts With Suzann Pawelski and James Pawelski Paula Felpsis the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Love and Happiness

The Holiday Celebration I’ll Never Forget

5 Tips for Raising Happy Kids as a Single Parent

Know When to Intervene With Your Teen

Know Your Kids’ Strengths

Dog Days of Happiness

7 Ways to Recharge This Mother’s Day

5 Essential Factors for Raising Resilient Kids

How Romantic Are You? [Quiz]

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Store

Articles

Quick Links