Relationships | Live Happy

Know When to Intervene With Your Teen

Part of adolescent development involves gaining independence, making good choices and learning the skills required to successfully move into adulthood. As a therapist and parent of two older children, I have experienced—both personally and professionally—the dilemma of not knowing whether to intervene or stay away when a teen is having trouble. As parents we have a daunting challenge to strike a balance between hovering on the one hand and being too distant or disconnected on the other. From a psychological point of view, it is very important that we let our kids have the autonomy to make mistakes on their own. It will improve their self-esteem and ability to cope in the world and will increase their skills set to take on more difficult challenges in the future. That said, a hands-off approach can leave a teenager feeling lost, un-cared for, and can even leave them in situations that might be detrimental to their emotional or physical well-being. Parents often need to become detectives who gather information and awareness of what is taking place in their children's lives so that they can better decide if and when help is needed—and if it's needed, how much to give. Here are some guidelines to help you decide when, whether and how much to get involved. Read more: 4 Ways to Raise High-Achieving Kids 1. Know your teenager Take a moment to truly assess the type of teenager you have. Is she easily influenced? Oblivious to dangerous situations? A risk taker? Someone who doesn't often think through the consequences of her actions? If you have answered yes to any of these questions then it is important for you to be more aware of what's going on and more involved in your child's life. Invest time to learn the details of your child’s day-to-day activities. Look for these potential warning signs, but at the same time, teach her more life skills she may be lacking and look for signs of improvement and growth so that you can shift toward the positive when you interact. 2. Assess your relationship with your teenager Are the two of you close? Does he communicate with you on a regular basis and share details about his life? Do you have contact with his friends and feel as if you know what is going on? Or do you find that you are shut out and unaware of what is happening? The more open your relationship is with your child, the easier it is for you to assess your need for involvement and intervention. The less you know, the more that you might need to worry—so stay informed. This is an area where balance is critical: If you are too intrusive, he might become more secretive, but if you are too unaware you could miss important concerns. 3. Be aware of your teen’s environment What activities is your teen involved in, and who does he or she hang out with on a regular basis? Do you know her friends? If your teen is in situations that hold the potential for emotional, social, financial or physical danger, it is important for you to increase your level of involvement. (Often a parent will see potential danger where a teen sees none; that's part of the job.) A parental or trusted adult presence, be it emotional or physical, can be a strong deterrent for risky behaviors and can also provide a feeling of support. 4. Examine your own emotional well-being Even though we are older, wiser and more experienced than our children, emotional distress can make us vulnerable and impact our own decisions about when and whether or not to intervene with our kids’ lives. Look inside to see if your own difficult childhood, or simply something negative you are going through at the present time, might be affecting your involvement (or over-involvement or lack of involvement) in your teen’s life, and see if you might need to make corrections. Read more: Teen Angst or Teen Anguish? Read more: Make the Best of Your Empty Nest Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

Know Your Kids’ Strengths

Lea Waters, Ph.D., the Gerry Higgins Chair in Positive Psychology at the University of Melbourne, Australia, and the president of the International Positive Psychology Association, has witnessed the powerful effects of strengths on students through her award-winning work with schools over the past decade. Lea knew that using strengths at home could be even more powerful and began applying them with her kids to help foster optimism and resilience. Her book is The Strength Switch: How the New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish. LIVE HAPPY: What is strength-based parenting? LEA WATERS: Strength-based parenting (SBP) is an approach that focuses first on your child’s strengths—their talents, positive qualities, what your child does well—before attending to their faults and shortcomings. Rather than putting your attention on fixing what’s wrong with your kids, it’s about switching your focus to amplify what’s right. LH: How did you come up with the strength switch and how does it work? LW: Once I trained myself what to look for, I could see strengths easily and everywhere. This was when life was calm and happy and my brain could focus. However, when I was stressed and tired or when my kids were acting out, I found it hard to see their strengths. I needed a real-time mental tool to short-circuit the negativity. I came up with the strength switch. I literally picture a switch and watch it flick inside my head to turn the spotlight off the negative and on the positive. It reminds me that to be a successful strength-based parent, I need to look at what my kids have done right before I look at what they’ve done wrong. LH:What results have you found? LW: My parenting is more intentional, coherent and consistent. My children understand they have strengths that can be used to help them navigate tough times and make the most of the good times. They can also see the strengths in others, enabling them to form strong relationships and help others shine. My research shows that when teenagers have strength-focused parents, they report better psychological outcomes, including greater life satisfaction, increased positive emotions such as joy and hope, enhanced understanding of their own strengths and decreased stress. Strengths help teens meet homework deadlines, deal with friendship issues and cope better with stress. Listen to our podcast with Lea Waters: Read more about strengths: Put Your Strengths to Work! Read more about parenting: What Great Parents Do Differently Suzann Pileggi Pawelsiholds a master's in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and is a contributing editor toLiveHappy. Her first book,Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts,written with her husband, James Pawelski, Ph.D., comes out in January 2018.

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Dog Days of Happiness

Our lives have become so hectic. We worry about where we need to be tomorrow, stress over what we didn’t accomplish yesterday and are too distracted to be fully present now. If our canine companions could talk, they would advise us to live in the moment by following five strategies. Listen to our podcast:The Dog's Guide to Your Happiness with Garry McDaniel 1. Live Your Purpose Dogs understand that their purpose is to be our loyal friends and protectors. Are you clear on what your purpose is in life? Determine your priorities. Let your purpose shine in everything you do as a friend, parent, artist or whatever drives your passion. 2. Be Present When dogs are with you, they are with you; they are not multitasking. We should be as considerate as our dogs. Put down the phone, turn off the computer and focus on the people around you. Listen, reflect, ask questions and share your thoughts in more than a short tweet. 3. Be Childlike When out for a walk, my dog takes an interest in every person, dog or object he meets. As a child, you had a similar sense of wonder, everything was new and worth investigating. Notice the beauty around you and try something new today! 4. Be Playful My dog never tires of playing fetch, rolling in the grass or playing tug-of-war with his rope toy. When is the last time you played just for the sake of it? Move your body, dance, sing, throw the ball, have fun and do not be afraid to look silly. 5. Do It NOW Humans think if we work 10–12 hours a day, someday we will slow down and enjoy life. That sunset is happening now. Your family members need to be told they are loved now. Our dogs would tell us that life is short and we should enjoy the present! Read more: 5 Ways Our Pets Make Us Happy Garry McDaniel and Sharon Massen are authors of The Dog’s Guide to Your Happiness: Seven Secrets for a Better Life from Man’s Best Friend. Visit happydogsecrets.com and share what you have learned from your dog that has enhanced your view on personal, family or professional life and relationships.

Live Happy's Ideas to Recharge on Mother's Day

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7 Ways to Recharge This Mother’s Day

Being a mom is truly an incredible, life-changing experience. It is also a job—one that requires a wide variety of skills. At different times, we moms are required to be doctors, teachers, mediators, chefs, bookkeepers, housekeepers, costume designers, make-up artists, jugglers and more! We need to deal with what's happening in the moment while also planning for the future. We meet many of the wants and needs of our partners, friends and even our community. On top of all that, many of us have to earn an income or even support our families. While many women might feel like they might buckle under the pressure, most of us just say we’ve “got it” and do all we can to take care of what comes with the job. Some of us get so consumed by the demands of our children and families that we are left exhausted and even depleted. In my role as a therapist, I have spoken to many mothers who tell me they are so busy focusing on everyone else that they have forgotten their own needs. Take care of yourself, too This Mother’s Day, why not give yourself a gift, and choose this celebratory moment to commit to taking better care of yourself? I have suggested this idea to a few moms I know, and while many welcomed the idea, I’ve also gotten looks of concern and resistance. Some women feel a sense of obligation or guilt when it comes to taking care of their families, almost as if self-sacrifice is part of the job description once we become mothers. While I do believe it is normal for mothers to make sacrifices, I also think it’s imperative we realize there is a line between sacrifice and suffering. Sadly, many moms I talk to are suffering because they are not getting their needs met. This is not healthy, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of when it comes to practicing self-care. Replenish your energy There is a big difference between self-care and selfishness. Self-care involves taking moments to assess how you're doing and engaging in practices that nurture your emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual well-being. Taking time to replenish your energy does not mean you have “excessive or exclusive concern with oneself,” which is how Merriam-Webster’s defines selfishness. Being a mother means putting others’ needs ahead of your own—most of the time. We are so busy taking care of kids that we forget to properly take care of ourselves. Here are some tips to help recharge your energy before you burn out or reach an emotional low-point: 1. Keep something in the tank When the mother suffers, the children suffer. If we are depleted, we have little or nothing left to give. Keep this in mind when you think about self-care. 2. Put it on the calendar Schedule “mommy time” on your to-do list. Bubble baths, long walks, dinner out with mom friends (don't only talk about the kids at these!) are all great ways to recharge. If we don't plan for fun and relaxation, it may not happen. 3. Phone a friend Build a support system that can cover you when you are in a jam. We all need friends who can pick up the kids, loan a cup of sugar, help with a project, etc., when we are in a bind. 4. Find fun Domestic life can feel routine. Remember what activities you enjoyed as a kid. Find times to laugh with friends as well as your family. It relieves stress and lifts your mood. 5. Draw the line Establish healthy boundaries. Set limits on your time; create rules for the family to follow that will make your life easier; learn to say no. 6. Mom is not your doormat (chauffeur, chef, maid, etc.) If people see that they can take advantage of you with no repercussions, they will. If your family knows you will stay up all night to finish their last-minute projects, they will think nothing of handing you their night-before homework the next time. 7. Be well Develop healthy physical and emotional habits. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat healthy food and make time to exercise. Monitor your emotional and spiritual self on a regular basis, and deal with negative feelings as they arise. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

5 Essential Factors for Raising Resilient Kids

In my personal interactions with parents, I am often asked the pressing question: “How did my child end up this way?” How is my child so happy? So helpful? So cautious? So aggressive? This extends to specific personality traits and behaviors, both positive and negative. Based on my experiences as a parent, coupled with my years studying child development as a professional, I have found that both nature and nurture play a role in shaping individuals. Nature is what people are born with in terms of temperament, intelligence and abilities. Nurture refers to influences from the environment, both immediate (like family and community) and more removed (like societal norms and expectations). Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, “Children Learn What They Live,” does a great job expressing my point of view regarding the external influences that profoundly affect children’s development with lines such as these: If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient. The concept is quite simple: The actions, words and environment that children are exposed to significantly influence who they are. If they are raised with a healthy dose of positive and motivational experiences, they have a stronger likelihood of being happy, healthy, resilient, positive people. Lead by example There are many ways that we, by example, can contribute to our children’s positive learning. Sometimes our teaching is intentional. We teach our children the importance of good nutrition by taking them to the market and encouraging them to help prepare and enjoy healthy meals. We introduce them to exciting adventures and opportunities to show them the benefits of exploration and being open to new experiences. Lessons can also be more subtle. Our children learn from watching how we interact with others. If we apologize for our mistakes, hold the door for someone in a wheelchair or carry someone’s bag for them, we teach our children the importance of doing so. Similarly, if we grab our children by the arm aggressively every time they misbehave, we are teaching them that getting physical with a person when angry is acceptable. Consider these five essential factors in determining the extent to which children learn what they live: 1. Safety Abraham Maslow, a pioneer in the field of child development, stated that safety is the foundation for anyone to accomplish anything. If we do not feel safe, it is difficult to function and therefore meet our basic needs. Safety refers to both physical and psychological indicators, ranging from having a physically safe school or home to emotional abuse and bullying. It also refers to a feeling of emotional comfort to take risks and be adventurous, knowing that there is a solid, safe place to return to after trying something new. 2. Balance Giving children a sense of balance and teaching them how to juggle the ups and downs of life is an essential life skill. The “everything in moderation” philosophy is taught by example and reinforced by parents, and if executed well, can have profound and positive influences on the way children live their lives. Some cake is perfectly fine to eat, but the entire cake or cake every day can be unhealthy. 3. Role modeling Children learn both healthy and maladaptive behaviors from observing those around them. For example, when children see parents brushing their teeth every morning and evening, they learn good oral hygiene habits. Psychological behavior, like having a positive attitude or taking things in stride, are also learned by example. Conversely, one client’s son picked up on her practice of speaking in a very loud voice, which started to cause problems when it was interpreted negatively by his teachers and coaches. 4. Adventure and openness to new things Interest and curiosity are the foundations of knowledge, growth and change. Infusing our children’s lives with opportunities to try new things will teach them to take risks, enjoy the thrill of adventure and push themselves to grow through exploration. 5. Acceptance of self and others Every day, I meet with people who are unhappy with who they are and the people around them. Sometimes their unhappiness stems from real issues that need to be changed, but people—both adults and children—also struggle with things they have little control over. There’s the boy who has to study twice as hard as his peers to get good grades in math, the girl who despises her curly hair, the painfully shy child who dreads birthday parties—they all struggle with aspects of themselves. As parents, we need to emphasize acceptance as a cornerstone of learning. Those of us who are better at practicing self-acceptance are happier, more motivated, more resilient and more likely to be successful. While life poses many challenges, we have choices in how we tackle them. We teach our children valuable and powerful lessons from how we live our lives. We should be mindful of the degree to which our conduct teaches children about life, their places in society, their futures and their values. Creating safe, balanced, accepting environments for our children will enhance their happiness, successes and resiliency. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

How Romantic Are You? [Quiz]

Romance is a wonderful thing—it infuses spontaneous warmth and passion into a relationship. Most romantic people are in love with love; they get extra enjoyment out of fantasy, idealism and little gestures of endearment. Pretty much all of us feel romantic when we begin new relationships. Some of us feel more romantic during sentimental times or just for vacations, date nights or anniversaries. Others can infuse their days with romance on a regular basis. When a couple is on the same page about romance and romantic gestures, it can create a greater bond and be a wonderful route to experiencing more joy together. The question is: How romantic are you? 1. Do you ever create a romantic scene like you'd see in the movies? (Rose petals on the bed or walkway, candles around the room, etc.?) As often as possible, I should have stock in a candle company! I’ve done my share of romantic scenes. Rarely or Never. Those are just clichés. 2. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, I am all about instant love! It could be possible for some people some of the time. Not in real life; only in movies. 3. Do you daydream about romantic places or ideas? One of my favorite things to do! I have had my daydreaming moments. I am not a daydreamer; I live in the real world. 4. Do you find yourself emotionally moved by sentimental gestures? I am easily moved by sentimental gestures. I have my sentimental moments. I am not sentimental. 5. Are you into chick flicks? Romance novels? Still watching shows like The Bachelor in hopes of people finding love even though most of the season’s couples have broken up? Most of my movie, television and book choices involve romance. I sometimes seek out romantic stories and shows. I prefer action, adventure, crime…pretty much anything but romance. 6. Do you write poems and love letters to your special someone? All the time! Maybe on a special occasion or once in a while. Never. 7. Do you use pet names for your partner? So often that I rarely call him/her by his/her real name. I have moments of using pet names or terms of endearment. Not my style. 8. Do you enjoy spooning and cuddling? I will take all of the physical affection I can get. At convenient and appropriate moments in time. I am not much of a cuddler or spooner. 9. Have you brought your partner breakfast in bed? It is something I love doing. I have before and would again. Maybe a granola bar as he/she is headed out the door, but not in bed. 10. Do you plan romantic activities? Those are some of the best kinds of activities, so yes! I mix in romantic activities with other types of activities. Rarely if ever. 11. Do you take initiative in your relationship to be romantic, even if your partner does not? Yes, it is a priority for me. I will do it if it’s been a while. No, it is not all that important or necessary. 12. Do you keep mementos from experiences with your partner, like concert ticket stubs, wine corks and sentimental items from trips? I have enough to fill a scrapbook! I have a few select items from over the years. I am not really into that kind of stuff. 13. Do you know what it is to feel mushy inside? Yes, I am a mush ball, and I love that mushy feeling. I have my mushy moments. Not a pleasant feeling or one I have often. 14. Do you and your partner have a special song together? Yes, and I can tell you exactly what it is. There are songs that make me think of him/her but nothing official. Not really. Some couples do that kind of thing. 15. Would you call yourself a person who is a romantic? I am a romantic, and I am proud of it. I would say I can be romantic, but I am not sure that I am one. I would not describe myself that way. If most of your answers are A: You are a person who tends toward romance and being romantic. You like the idea of love, and the gestures and feelings that come with it. You make romantic experiences a priority and feel most fulfilled when you and your partner are creating those experiences. While very romantic people are passionate, creative and often joyful, they can have moments where the fantasy of a situation leaves them disappointed. You are clearly the type of person that will seek out and create romantic experiences. Be careful to communicate your needs and desires and not to be disappointed when your partner or the moment may not be exactly as romantic as you are. If most of your answers are B: You have your romantic moments and allow yourself to feel and experience romance. You have been known to initiate romantic activities and would likely welcome a partner who enjoyed these types of gestures. You may make romance a priority during sentimental times, or perhaps you sprinkle little bits of it into various moments in your life. Ask yourself if you have the right balance in your life of romance, and adjust the amount if you feel that it is lacking or a bit too much for your taste. If most of your answers are C: You are someone that either shies away from romance or avoids it altogether. While there is no rulebook that says that romance is a must-do or must-have, it is important for you to ask yourself if life this way is working for you. If both you and your partner are fine with this minimal amount of romance and your relationship is working well, then perhaps you want to leave things as they are. If you or your partner are finding that your relationship could use more romance, or if you believe that your lack of romantic skills or feelings are impeding you from finding a relationship, then you might want to make more of an effort to step up your romantic game while still staying somewhat within your comfort zone. Find romantic gestures that work for your style! Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Although the movies would have us believe otherwise, a long, happy marriage isn’t a matter of simply finding the right person. Lasting love requires commitment and developing healthy habits that can sustain through both good and bad times. It’s not just about romance; as it turns out, there’s actually a science to making love last. James O. Pawelski, Ph.D., and Suzann Pileggi Pawelski are more than just positive psychology experts; they are a married couple who looks at relationships through the lens of positive psychology. Their new book, Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts, shares their insight along with innovative strategies for building stronger, healthier unions. LIVE HAPPY: Many books explain how to achieve greater happiness; what made you want to write about the topic of happiness specifically as it relates to couples? JAMES & SUZANN: Although there were many excellent research studies demonstrating the potential to help couples, no one had put them together into an easily accessible format or book. There was a lot of interest on the topic, but not much out there in the popular media. We saw writing the book together as a shared project we could undertake to help develop and strengthen our own marriage while simultaneously providing a resource that could help other couples, as well. LH: What’s the biggest misconception people have about happiness and relationships? J&S: That “happily ever after” just happens. That’s not the case, except in fairy tales and films. LH: How does your book help change that perception? J&S: It demonstrates, through scientific research and real-life examples, that healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. Becoming happy together is an ongoing process comprised of sustained effort and conscious cultivation of healthy habits. LH: Were there any new things that you learned about your relationship through the process of writing this book together? J&S: That our unique strengths that initially attracted us to one another and helped build our bond are also the strengths that, when not understood and respected in one another, can cause pain and misunderstanding. LH: Aspects of each of you shine through in this book—and really serve as a great illustration of how you apply the give and take in a relationship. How did you work through any challenges that arose from developing/writing this book? J&S: We practiced mindfulness meditation. At times when we needed a breather, that’s what we literally did. We took a break and some deep breaths. We were then able to return to the task at hand and work together better. LH: Although it’s about happiness as a couple, this book also is a great introduction to positive psychology for those who haven’t yet experienced it. How do you think people can use these relationship lessons in other areas of their lives? J&S: We feel that the interaction model of strengths that we developed—an approach that focuses on not just how we express love, gratitude and kindness, for example, but also how we respond to them—are important for all relationships. This approach can be used and practiced in our daily interactions, not just with our spouses and romantic partners but also with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. LH: What’s the No. 1 thing you hope readers take away from your book? J&S: Building love that lasts takes effort. It doesn’t just happen. And that effort needs to be well directed. A good way to direct that effort is to find and feed the good in yourself and your partner, rather than focusing on problems and what’s wrong in the relationship. And scientific research in positive psychology gives specific, effective ways of finding and feeding the good. Read more: Love and Happiness and The Power of Passion Listen to our podcast: How to Build Love That Lasts With Suzann Pawelski and James Pawelski Paula Felpsis the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

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33 Ideas for Romance

The excitement wrapped up in sentimental gestures can keep us on cloud nine for days. Here are 33 ideas to sprinkle more romance in your life. 1. Watch Titanic. 2. LISTEN TO “CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE” BY ELVIS PRESLEY. 3. “Love is a reality which is born in the fairy region of romance.” —Charles Maurice de Talleyrand 4. Write a poem for someone you love. 5. Order a heart-shaped pizza. 6. Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. 7. Watch Pretty Woman. 8. LISTEN TO “UNCHAINED MELODY” BY THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS. 9. Make a mixtape. 10. “Love is a net that catches hearts like fish.” —Muhammad Ali 11. Have a Dateline date night. 12. Send someone a Singing Valentine. 13. Read Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts by SuzannPileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski. 14. WATCH THE BBC MINISERIES PRIDE AND PREJUDICE STARRING COLIN FIRTH. 15. Request your loved one's favorite song on the radio. 16. Take a couples cooking class. 17. GO FOR A HIKE OR BIKE RIDE WITH YOUR PARTNER. 18. “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 19. Listen to “Friday I’m in Love” by The Cure. 20. READ MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA BY ARTHUR GOLDEN. 21. Share a dessert. 22. Watch The Big Sick. 23. Listen to “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. 24. “WHAT IS DESIRE BUT A WILDNESS OF THE SOUL?” —LOUISE ERDRICH 25. Buy tickets to watch your favorite pro-sports team play. 26. Have dinner by candlelight. 27. Clip out the Love is…comic strip to post on the fridge. 28. Read Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection by Sharon Salzberg. 29. Try couples yoga. 30. WATCH MOULIN ROUGE! 31. Listen to “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. 33. “For ’twas not into my ear you whispered but into my heart. ’Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” —Judy Garland

Cute couple with hearts over their eyes.

relationships

6 Relationship Resolutions for Valentines Day

After New Year's and all through January we get that itch to practice better self-care, become healthier and focus on positive changes we can make in the year ahead. By February most of us have lost our New Year’s mojo. But wait! Here comes Valentine's Day, filling every grocery store with red hearts and symbols of love. Why not use this loving reminder to trigger actions that fall under the category of “relationship care?” Many of us get so wrapped up in the details and stresses of our daily lives that we do not take time out to truly focus our time and energy on our intimate relationships. It does not matter if you believe in the calendar holiday of Valentine's Day, or if you and your partner even trade gifts or cards. The important thing is to take time out to put some emotional and romantic focus on your relationship by stopping to create some relationship resolutions. 1. Have fun together Do you ever find yourself wrapped up in the logistics and monotony of life to the point that you are too busy to have fun? Are fun experiences few and far between in your relationship these days? It doesn’t matter if it’s just the two of you, the entire family or a large group, finding time to laugh and be joyful together is important in every intimate relationship. Take time out to explore ideas that will infuse some happiness into your relationship. Start up a new hobby or activity together, or go back to doing something fun that the two of you have not done together in years. If you don’t have the time or money for a vacation, have a snowball fight, tickle each other until you laugh so hard it hurts or take part in a new adventure. Try that new Moroccan restaurant where you sit on the floor. Go bowling! Read more: 4 Ways to Reignite the Spark and Reconnect With Your Partner 2. Use technology to connect instead of disconnect We are all distracted by and sometimes addicted to our phones, computers and social media. We get so drawn into technology that it pulls us out of the present, where we could be interacting with the people we love. Instead of using your devices to disconnect, use them to connect. Do you find yourself on your phone when you are at dinner with your mate or next to one another in bed? Are you more likely to read a story on Facebook than to tell your partner something that happened that day? Are there moments when you are both sitting on the couch staring at your devices instead of looking into each other’s eyes? Instead, pick up your phone and send your partner a romantic text message. Text him or her a photo from the past of the two of you enjoying yourselves. Post a gushing shout-out on Facebook for the world to see how much you appreciate the amazing dinner he or she cooked, or for the fact that your lawn is always mowed or that you are married to someone who's a terrific parent. 3. Put quality time on the schedule It is very easy for us to get caught up in your jobs, household chores, children, etc. Often it’s your primary relationship that takes the hit in all this overwhelm. Do you ever find yourself so busy after dinner that you fall into bed without even having a conversation? Have you realized that the two of you have not talked about how much you love or adore one another in a long time? While these things can be common in relationships, they do not allow for the type of quality time that couples need to feel truly connected. Plan a weekly or monthly date night for the two of you. Schedule an annual or biannual getaway or stay-cation (where the kids leave and you stay home) so you can have an extended period of time together - alone. 4. Evaluate, adjust and improve When you build a business, you stop frequently to evaluate progress and makes changes accordingly. Relationships work in very much the same way. It is important to take stock of how your relationship is doing. Are you happy with the level of intimacy and time spent together? Do you feel like you handle conflict efficiently? Are you managing your finances as a couple in a way that is working for you? Make a resolution to assess these things and more, make adjustments and improvements as needed. Learn from your past, so you can make your future better. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win 5. Resolve to watch your tone and language We should be making the greatest effort to be kind and loving to our intimate partners, and yet for a variety of reasons, they often get the business end of our abuse, contempt or anger. Do you find yourself asking your partner to help you with something without saying please or thank you? Do you have a tendency to raise your voice when a kinder, softer tone could be better? Do you verbally express how much you love and appreciate your partner more often than not? Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to be mindful of how you speak and what you say, and make a greater effort to have the majority of what comes out of your mouth be kinder and more loving. Spend more time saying things like “I am so lucky to have you” and “You are the best!” instead of things like “It’s so annoying when you leave your towel on the bathroom floor” or “Move over, you are hogging the bed.” Walk in with a smile, or laugh off what might be a slightly irritating situation instead of rolling your eyes or mumbling under your breath. 6. Make an effort to focus on the little things While everyone loves a grand gesture of love and adoration, most couples I talk to are grateful if some of the little things are attended to in the relationship. Does your partner like a back rub? Wish you would wash the dishes as soon as you use them? Want you to send a text message to check in at some point in the day? Ask yourself if you have taken the time out to truly listen to some of the smaller things that your partner desires. While big issues can create conflict and distance in relationships, often a big list of little problems can do just as much damage. Show your partner that he or she is important by making an effort to listen and respond to some of the smaller things that may take less time and energy but will send a big message of love. We all know that most New Year’s resolutions fizzle out because people overreach. They want to lose 30 pounds or overhaul their career all at once. Relationship resolutions are not all-or-nothing propositions. Pick the ones you think you can achieve; have fun with them; resolve to try harder, do better and be closer. Invest time and energy into your partnership and you will be rewarded 10-fold. Read more: 8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine's Day Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

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Valentine’s Day Ultimate Gift Guide

CALLING ALL VALENTINES Wrap your phone in patterns of love and customized prints, such as moony photos of you and your Romeo ($34.99, casestation.com/us) TEA FOR TWO Teas from the Heart beautifully packaged ($18–$30, teaforte. com). Mariage Frères Éros Tea and TWG Exclusive Signature Tea ($25–$34, deandeluca.com). Corita Kent “Love Is Hard Work” Mug ($12, bauerpottery.com). MAKE A STATEMENT The Minnesota-based artisan company Oh Dier makes clever acrylic signs and unique cake toppers ($20–$32, ohdier.com). These Forest Walk Love Trays make a perennial Valentine's Day or hostess gift, so stock up! ($35, juliska.com). FOOD FOR THOUGHT Read inspiring notations about love in Happiness Is…500 Ways to Show I Love You ($12.95) while you gather your thoughts on paper in 642 Things About You (That I Love) ($9.95) (chroniclebooks.com). Then write your own love notes in A Collection of Future Letters to The Love of My Life ($16.99, alwaysfits.com). RAINBOW SWEETS BFF Scented Eraser Bracelets (set of two), $4.95; Note Pals Sticky Tabs, $1.95; Heart to Heart Stacking Crayons, $2.95; Dandy Candy Scented Neon Markers, $4.95 (ooly.com). PAMPER ME! Indulge in some flower power with Florapy’s one-time-use face masks in eight different treatments ($8 each, florapybeauty.com). The Elemental Herbology aromatherapy bath and shower oil collection will invigorate the mind and body ($75, elementalherbology.com/us). Nourish and hydrate with the best in vegan skincare—All Good Body Lotion ($15.99) and Organic Lip Balm ($3.50, allgoodproducts.com). SAY ANYTHING Customize a cookie for the one (or ones) you love with a cookie coloring kit, complete with food-coloring pens. Use it on Valentine's Day or any holiday! Your kids will have a blast. Eleni's Color Me Cookies ($39.95, elenis.com). BREAKFAST IN BED Start your Valentine's morning off right with the CucinaPro Classic Heart Waffler for a heart-y breakfast! What better way to wake up and say "I love you."($49.99, cucinapro.com). April Hardwick is the market editor for Live Happy magazine.

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