Relationships | Live Happy

Walking School Bus a Lesson in Happiness

“I always have a good day on Wednesdays,” says 12-year-old Albert Carter. The reason? That’s when he participates in his school’s walking school bus. Each week, a group of spirited senior citizens—including 66-year-old Jo Ann Washington and 80-year-old Bertha Barnes—along with other volunteers, chaperone about a dozen children on the 1-mile morning trek from East Berry Branch Library to Christene C. Moss Elementary School in Fort Worth, Texas. “It’s important to walk because when you wake up in the morning, you feel all tired,” Albert says. “Walking loosens you up and wakes you up so then you can have energy to go to school and get passing grades.” Eight-year-old Ja’liyah Williams puts it bluntly: “Driving to school is boring,” she says. “My favorite thing about the walking school bus is that everyone comes and we play together. We’re always singing.” Volunteers don fluorescent yellow vests and teach the children safety rules along the way, adding to their brood as they go since some children are picked up in front of their homes. “It gives me great joy working with them,” Jo Ann says. “I’m glad to be a part and just feel like a kid.” Principal Charla Wright-Staten says she’s noticed a change in her students who walk to school. “They’re able to get some of their restlessness out and come in ready to work and learn,” she says. “They don’t know they’re establishing healthy lifestyles—we kind of sneak that in.” Change of Pace In 1969, almost 50 percent of children in kindergarten through eighth grade walked or biked to school. By 2009, that number dropped to less than 13 percent. That’s why community leaders in Fort Worth and around the world are implementing walking school buses, which teach children lifetime fitness habits and reduce traffic at the same time. The idea is simple: A group of children walk to school with two or more adults. Some schools partner with community groups, like how Christene C. Moss Elementary joined forces with Silver Sneakers, a fitness program for seniors offered by a local YMCA chapter. That’s how Bertha found out about the program. “I like walking, and I like kids,” Bertha says. “All of my own kids are up and gone.” In Fort Worth, 30 elementary schools have launched walking school buses as part of the Blue Zones Project, a well-being improvement initiative aimed at helping people lead longer lives by making healthy choices easier. Across the country, 42 communities in nine states have joined the Blue Zones Project, and walking school buses are common in those locations. Take it from Ja’liyah: “Come walk and get used to it. Then when you grow up, you already know what to do.” Happy Feet While the physical benefits are clear, Charla notes another significant impact the walking school bus has on her students. “They see it’s beyond just their parents, teachers and principal that care about them,” Charla says. “They’re seeing that there really is a village around them.” Take Albert, who appreciates it when the adults listen to what he has to say. “I feel better when I’m walking because we talk about stuff, and I just think about that sometimes and that kind of boosts my day.” But it’s not just the students who are benefiting: While Ja’liyah and Albert both say they’re learning to pay attention, listen and get better grades, Jo Ann points out that she’s learning from the kids as well. “It was cold one morning, and I knew those babies weren’t going to come out and walk,” she says. “That particular day, there were even more of them. You talk about devoted.” For Bertha, interacting with the children is leaving a lasting impression. “They’re teaching me how to be jolly and not worry about anything,” she says. While Bertha hopes she’s relaying the importance of morning exercise, there’s another lesson that’s not lost on the students. “It’s amazing that you can be 80 and look 52,” Albert says after learning Bertha’s age. His wish when he’s 80? “I hope I'm like Bertha.”

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Happy Activists Deliver Love to Moms

When Andrea Braovac-Bialk’s husband asked her what she wanted for Mother’s Day last year, she stopped to think. A middle school teacher with two kids living in suburban Chicago, Andrea gives a lot of herself in both her work and life. But instead of asking for a spa day or breakfast in bed, she was struck by how many mothers she knew who had recently spent weeks in the hospital by their children’s bedsides. “We’ve had a lot of friends and relatives who have gone through terrible experiences—premature and sick babies. I’m so lucky, and my heart hurts so much for them,” says Andrea. “It’s Mother’s Day and I don’t want to be going to be brunch while all these amazing moms are at the hospital.” The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift Though she had no previous experience in nonprofit work, Andrea had an idea. For Mother’s Day, she would deliver “care bags” filled with comforting goodies to the moms and others waiting at her local children’s hospital, Advocate Children's Hospital in Park Ridge, Illinois. After speaking with the hospital’s child life specialist, Andrea learned that while many generous volunteers come in often to do arts and crafts and read to the kids, not much is done to provide support or care for the mothers and other caregivers. Andrea reached out to her support team of friends and family, who were eager to help fulfill her plan. She also found that local stores and restaurants were extremely generous in their donations as the care bags began to fill up with comforting items, such as warm, fuzzy blankets, cozy socks, gift cards to restaurants near the hospital and even Live Happy magazines. Delivering Happiness On Mother’s Day 2017, Andrea and her team delivered 200 gift bags to moms and caregivers at Advocate and two other Chicago-area hospitals. “The moms were in awe,” says Andrea. Some were speechless, some started crying. One of the moms didn’t even know it was Mother’s Day!” Andrea firmly believes that we need to care for our moms in order to care for the children. “We have great doctors and nurses who are attentive to those children’s illnesses, but the moms are crucial. If the moms aren’t eating, if the moms are not caring for themselves, everyone loses.” As Andrea organizes this year’s delivery in time for Mother’s Day, the bags’ contents have grown to include donations such as gourmet tea bags and cakes from Nothing Bundt Cake, as well as practical items like dental hygiene kits, Kleenex, hand lotion and lip balm. A grocery delivery service even donated memberships for the parents to use and will deliver to the hospital or home. Andrea hopes to double or triple her output and expand her reach—perhaps even take the Loving Without Limits care bag idea to a national level. What better way to celebrate heroic moms? How to Contribute If you are a Chicago-area retailer interested in donating goods or services, or a resident who would like to volunteer, go to Lovingwithoutlimits.org. Monetary donations can be made on the website via PayPal.

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Sisterhood Is Powerful

My sister Sara and I shared a wall between our bedrooms growing up. We had a secret knock we’d use to say good night to each other: I’d knock first and my sister would knock back. I’m younger than my sister by three years, and her little knock always made me feel safe. If there was a thunderstorm, I’d get scared and drag a blanket down the hall to her room. “Can I sleep in your room?” I’d whisper. “Yes, but on the floor,” she’d whisper back. Adults in midlife now, we laugh about that one. (She couldn’t give me a tiny sliver of her bed?) My sister and I are so different. We live about 1,000 miles apart and our personalities are that far apart, too. I talk too much; she’s shy. No one would know we are sisters; we are adopted and don’t look alike. While we don’t share genetics or personality type, we do share something powerful—sisterhood. Now science is even backing up this premise. A 2015 study from De Montfort University in the U.K. showed that “the presence of a female sibling may be a protective factor…improving family relationships and increasing self-efficacy, optimism and perceived social support.” This could not have been more true in my case. Sisterhood is a fierce bond. I could be my sister’s publicist in life. I love her and I’ve always looked up to her. She’s smart (high school valedictorian, educated at Harvard) but she would never tell you because she’s also humble. I feel fiercely loyal to my sister because we shared a tumultuous childhood that revolved around an alcoholic parent. We both had to enter adulthood with burdens to overcome, and that shared experience resulted in a stronger bond. My sister told me once, “You have never let me down.” And I responded, “You are my sister.” By which I meant, no matter what happens in our lives, I know she understands my past because it was hers, too. I don’t have to fill in the blanks for her or explain who I am, she just knows. Our connection is strong and comforting. Sisters have shared experience. When Sara and I were kids, I would take clothes out of her purple-beaded closet without asking. As sisters do, she’d yell at me for stretching out her clothes or ruining them. She’d read books in her bedroom and I’d slip notes under the crack in her door to make her laugh again and forgive me. We shared the levity of childhood—flashlight tag, long bike rides to the lake and road trips. And we also shared in the heaviness of adulthood—when we gathered around my mom’s bed on her last day of life. During every part of life, we have leaned on each other. Sisters are your tribe. At 26, I found my birth family and learned I had married birth parents and a birth sister. Gulp. When I finally met my birth sister, Jen, in the flesh, it was like looking in a mirror. Two redheads, two talkers. Two people who love to laugh and be the life of the party. Our connection was instant and easy. We didn’t have to share a past—we immediately got one another. Sisters are like that. A sister’s presence is powerful. When I am around either of my sisters, I feel happier. We all live in different states but we share an invisible connection beyond geography. Life is in session when we’re together. We relate. Sisters make you feel like you aren’t experiencing the highs and lows of life alone. With a sister, you always feel like you have a home base where you can draw strength, where someone is always in your corner. Sisters get personal. Even though my sister Sara is a quiet person, we still share everything and hash things out together. Swapping stories and venting gives us both a healthy outlet to process emotions and get feedback. This kind of expression also happens to foster well-being. Sisters look out for one another. My daughters are twin 5-year-olds. By watching their sisterhood play out before me, I notice how often they look out for each other, even at this young age. Sure, they tell on each other, but the sisterly love, generosity and consideration for one another seems innate. In separate preschool classes, they check in on each other on the playground. They shriek and chase each other around the house and prevent each other from falling asleep at night with their antics. Each will come up to me and say, “Mom, sister needs you.” I’m so happy they have each other. Sisterhood is powerful indeed.

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6 Tools to Help Children and Teens Develop Coping Skills

Imagine your mind uncluttered, happy and free, loving whatever you are doing to the point that you lose track of time, limitations and stressors. Psychologists refer to this frame of mind as flow. Many scientists believe that children operate in a naturally flowing mindset up to about age 5. However, you can regain your mental flow at any age and teach your children to nurture (and keep) theirs! This helps them develop coping skills that will empower them for life, increasing the “ups,” decreasing the “downs” and making joy a part of every day. I have spent much of my career helping people find ways to cope and operate at the top of their games. I’ve found that much of coping has to do with how you manage your mental and physical energy. What you are looking for is balance. You don’t want to be too activated or you’ll feel jumpy; too placid and you won’t have enough oomph to perform and feel your best. Your mind flows when sparked by high-quality energy and personal motivation. The two go hand-in-hand. When they do, you feel “lit.” Encourage Positivity Positive energy attracts positive action. Helping your child grow a happy mind begins with being open to the positive energies in life, and there’s no better way to start than to make yourself a model. Life is full of beauty, love and excitement. We can capture a burst of natural beauty wherever we are and download its good energy. For example, if you and your child are out on a walk or in the middle of any outdoor activity, talk about what environmental details bring you pleasure. Refer to specifics. After, ask him: What do you find exciting? What sights, sounds or scents make you feel good? It’s important for children to see life as good and to be able to identify examples of life’s magnificence and joy around them. They don’t have to be blockbuster examples—a tiny flower, glistening ocean wave or a single, sparkling star on a full-moon night. Our minds love images. They sweeten your thoughts and keep your coping resources charged, even when you’ve been treading in rough waters. Children can learn that uplifting, peaceful and joyful energies are everywhere. All they have to do to shift their attention—open their senses—and feel the energy. Self-Awareness Self refers to who you are, what you feel on the inside. As parents, we can help our children become more aware of who they are and to discover their unique qualities. “I love to dance,” says one 13-year-old who has danced since she was age 2. “When I dance, I dance with my heart. I can’t ever imagine myself not dancing.” Her 11-year-old sister plays the piano. She says, “Playing piano makes me happy,” but adds, “You don’t have to be Shakespeare to love writing, and you don’t have to be Mozart to be happy playing music.” Self-awareness is about being attentive to who you have been in the past, who you are now and who you want to be in the future. Ask your child how their most self-connected activities fit into that sequence. For example, did you enjoy music before playing the piano? How does music affect other things you do? By doing this, you are helping them find intrinsic reward for their actions and not rely on or become co-dependent on someone else’s judgments of what should or shouldn’t feel good to them. You are helping them understand it is possible to sync internal and external world activities that mean a lot to them. The more they do this, the more rewarding their life will feel, the more motivated they will become and the easier it will be to enter and sustain a flowing, happy mind. Tools to Get Started 1. Incorporate a morning activity that launches you into a flowing mindset. Play a tune on your favorite instrument, sing, dance, take a walk in nature. Flow transfers into other activities. 2. Balance your energy before and after daily activities. Pick two songs from your favorite tunes, one that activates you and another that calms. Put them on your phone or other device. Decide what kind of energy you need to feel (activating or calming) for balance in the morning before you leave home, at lunchtime and again when you get home. Then just hit “play.” 3. Organize the night before. You’ll wake up happier you did. Include something nice to look forward to in the morning such as a colorful article of clothing or a fun, new morning activity. 4. Give yourself permission to keep your mind flowing. Lessen daily pressures by telling yourself you can think about non-urgent recurring concerns or conflicts “later.” You can pick the time or day. 5. Get a good night’s sleep. Make it a habit to turn lights off at the same time each night. You need sleep for higher-level thinking and to keep your mind flowing. 6. Each day, think of something nice to do for someone. Plan who you will help, compliment or surprise, then do it!

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4 Ways to Beat Loneliness

In a world with more than 7 billion people, it’s hard to imagine that loneliness—a loss of connection from people and self—could be a problem. But new research indicates loneliness and social isolation may now be bigger health hazards than obesity or smoking, and the problem is likely to get worse. About 42.6 million U.S. adults over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness, according to a 2010 AARP study. Jeremy Nobel, M.D., of the Harvard Medical School in the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine, points out that the problem isn’t about spending time alone, which can have mental health benefits. People can feel lonely in a crowd or even in a marriage. He defines loneliness as having a gap or a feeling that something is missing. It’s an “emotional connection that you desire that is not present to you,” Jeremy says. “And it turns out that discomfort is toxic at a neurophysiological level.” How did we get here? Jeremy believes increases in divisiveness and technological convenience are partially to blame. “One way I often describe it is that you might have 600 friends on Facebook,” Jeremy says, “but who is bringing you dinner if you are sick?” Keeping robust and meaningful social networks is crucial to maintaining health and happiness.” Lonely people are less likely to be involved in social events, have fewer friends and deep relationships and could even face an earlier death than their social counterparts. Jeremy says there is growing research that shows loneliness contributes to substance abuse, depression, anxiety, suicide, cancers and cardiovascular disease. Happy Connections, Happy Health Jude Marie Goudreau, a 50-year-old mother and grandmother from West Palm Beach, Florida, wasn’t going to let the fact that she was a single empty nester keep her from enjoying life. “I needed more people to interact with. I found myself home talking to the cat often and I realized that it was kind of a sad story,” she says. “I started a Meetup group hoping to meet people to do things with and to prevent other people from sitting at home talking to the cat.” Her Meetup group, Middle Age Fun, launched in August of 2017 and quickly grew to more than 80 members. She was shocked that so many people—ranging in age from 40 to 80—signed up for the group and said people seemed eager to mix and mingle. “So far, I have had the most success with coffee hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and brunches on Sunday mornings,” she says. “We have been doing card games and game nights, too.” Jude Marie says she believes an active mind is a healthy mind. She witnessed family members decline rapidly after retirement, an effect she attributes to inactivity. “If you are happy, then you are healthy and if you are healthy, you definitely live longer,” she says. “If you are home alone and don’t have any contact with other people, you feel rejected and sad.” Eric Kim, Ph.D., a research fellow in the Department of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, says social connections can help you bounce back from life’s curveballs. His research shows that social cohesion, even at the neighborhood level, is linked to better health outcomes and behaviors, especially with older adults. Those contacts can share very useful information, such as recommending a great physician. “They help you in very practical ways,” he says. “If you just had surgery, they can bring in the mail or groceries and even provide emotional support.” Relationships can also have negative effects, he points out, but if we have positive connections, it can go a long way to improving quality of life. The study "Interpersonal Mechanisms Linking Close Relationships to Health” finds that close relationships are crucial to health and well-being, as well as longevity. Social connections help buffer stress, lower cortisol and reduce risk of illness. Being socially connected can also help in areas of personal growth including finding love and intimacy. Digital Doldrums It’s not just older people who can fall victim to social isolation. A recent survey commissioned by online messaging business solutions provider LivePerson discovered that nearly 70 percent of young people would prefer to communicate digitally. Another study from the Center for Research on Health Care at the University of Pittsburgh says that people who spend at least two hours a day on social media are twice as likely to show signs of social isolation than those who only spend 30 minutes a day. Possible emotional triggers of jealousy and exclusion can be spurred by continuously looking at the carefully staged lives of others. Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D., a board certified cognitive behavioral clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy, says that spending more time online reduces actual face time with other people. “When we feel tired and it’s freezing outside, it’s certainly much less effortful to lie on the couch and swipe through social media to catch up on the latest news, both in the world and in your personal circles,” she says. “That said, keeping up with people in this passive way takes a toll on our sense of connection. To feel close, we need to put in time, energy and courage.” Here are a few tips to connect with the world around you. CARING FOR OTHERS: Eric Kim, Ph.D., notes that volunteering is an excellent way for people like recent retirees to meet new people and stay active. “Volunteering can actually have many health benefits, because we are engaging in healthier behaviors,” he says. “MRI studies show cognitive decline at a much lower pace.” TOUCH OVER TECH: Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D., recommends using technology as a tool to make plans to meet up rather than replacing socialization. “If there’s an activity you’d find meaningful regardless of whether or not you meet good people, like a book club or volunteer group, that may be a great place to find someone with similar interests.” SELF-CARE: Jeremy Nobel, M.D., says sharing your story through creative expression can help you connect with yourself and other people. You can use the creative arts to find your mission, purpose and meaning. “What we are very confident about is that creative expression allows people to fi nd, shape and share a personal narrative…a story about who they are and what matters to them.” RECONNECT: “If you want more close friends but don’t know where to find them, take a couple of minutes and consider people you may have lost touch with who you can reach out to, or activities you love where you can [meet] people who share your passions,” Jennifer says. Listen to our podcast with Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D. here:

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21 Ways to Spread Love in the World

1. Pass a good book on to a friend. 2. Volunteer at an animal shelter. 3. Cook a homemade meal for someone. 4. Give to a good cause. 5. Let someone keep the change. 6. Volunteer at a senior center. 7. Smile at a stranger. 8. Let someone cut ahead of you in traffic. 9. Tell someone you love him or her. 10. Leave a big tip. 11. Love the people you can be crazy with. 12. Give lunch to a homeless person with a positive note attached. 13. Make a store clerk smile. 14. Send a handwritten appreciation/thank-you note to someone in your life. 15. Pay for the person behind you in line (coffee, food, etc.). 16. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. 17. Send flowers to your partner for no reason. 18. Pick up trash in a park. 19. Be a good listener for someone. 20. Make your co-workers laugh. 21. Be the cream in someone’s coffee. Read more: Practice Random Acts of Kindness Every Day

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The Art of Mindful Dating

Ken Page, a psychotherapist and the author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, has devoted his career to helping people fall in love—the deep, committed, mutual kind of love that lasts a lifetime. And he has come to a blunt realization: “We’re victims of terrible information. We’re told that the great secret to finding love is making yourself more desirable, more attractive. But, in reality, that’s painful and self sabotaging because you’re focusing on what’s not good enough about yourself and that leads you to date from a place of profound insecurity.” A far better alternative, Ken says, is making the search for love a mindful undertaking, one that begins with self-acceptance and moves forward with openness and authenticity. “When you change the way you behave on dates and learn to lead with your true self, your luck changes. Love is what happens when you share your deepest gifts with bravery and generosity.” Here’s how to apply the principles of mindfulness to the search for love: Set Your Intention Write a brief mission statement on why this journey matters to you, says Ken. A mission statement might include statements like, “I want a life of shared adventures” or “I want a sense of family in the world.” Juliet Kaska was in her mid-30s with a highly successful career as a Los Angeles Pilates instructor when she decided to take a dating sabbatical. She had had an active but unsatisfying romantic life with, she says, “a smorgasbord of men.” Through sessions with a therapist and daily meditation, Juliet explored whether she wanted to get married and what she was looking for in a husband. Juliet realized she wanted a mate who had, she says, “a successful life.” That meant, yes, an established career, but also hobbies, interests, friendships, a family life. Out went her on-again-off-again relationships with men who were fun but had no interest in settling down. Several months later, Juliet dove back into the dating world. Listen to our podcast with Ken Page here: It felt different this time. “Because I knew what I wanted; I wasn’t going into dates worried that what he wanted was someone younger or skinnier. The insecurity was lifted and that made dating light and fun and interesting.” In December 2013, Juliet met Simon, a movie producer who is originally from South Africa. “With Simon there was a connection that was otherworldly, and he was the kindest human being I’d ever met. I knew.” In June 2017, Juliet and Simon married in the coastal city of Durban, South Africa. “I’d gotten that internal voice that says you’re not good enough, you can’t get what you want, you don’t deserve it to finally pipe down,” Juliet says. When you’re ready to get started on your own love quest, Ken suggests this micro-meditation. Take two or three minutes to evoke a few of the people who have loved you the most. “They may be alive or not,” he says, “but they are still close to your heart and they would want the best for you, including a relationship that brings you happiness.” Visualize their faces as you imagine them offering words of encouragement. “Let their support infuse you,” Ken says. Stay in the Present When you’re eager for a committed relationship, it’s easy to become so focused on conjecture about a possible future with the person you’re dating that you undermine the chances of achieving a genuine connection. “That’s when your date turns into a job interview,” says Judith Sills, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage. “Instead of trying to interrogate a prospective partner, let yourself experience him or her the way you experience your friends. You’re really just trying to have a lovely conversation where you can exchange ideas in an easy, relaxed way. It’s not about, ‘Should I rule you out as a lifetime companion?’” Forget, “What happened with your last marriage?” or “How many serious relationships have you had?” or “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Instead, opt for neutral, open-ended questions about, say, a recent vacation, a new running regimen or favorite local restaurants. These are questions that convey, “I’m interested in getting to know you. I’m not gathering information about your social status.” Staying in the present also means tolerating ambiguity, which is one of the challenges in the early stages of a romance, says psychologist Michelle Skeen, Psy.D., the author of Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. “You can’t know where a relationship is going on the first or fifth date,” she says. “You might not even know whether he or she is dating other people, and that lack of certainty can be very uncomfortable.” To handle the uncertainty, try to relax into the present moment as much as you can. After all, says Michelle, projecting into the future can lead you to overlook vital information that’s right in front of you, such as whether the other person shares your values. Amy Bastianelli, a 31-year-old clinical social worker in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, remembers a feeling of unease when she was dating her first husband. “I totally checklisted him,” she says, “from ‘Will he be a good provider?’ down to ‘Likes dogs.’ I’d read these studies that couples are most likely to be successful if they come from similar religious and socioeconomic backgrounds. That was true for us, and I wasn’t able to see beyond that to what was really important. Or, rather, I ignored my gut feeling that we weren’t aligned, that our relationship was completely and utterly devoid of any emotional or spiritual connection.” Try your best to put aside the spreadsheets and the crystal ball so you can tune into the vibe between you and the person with whom you’re sharing a cocktail, dinner or a hike. Pay attention to your feelings, Ken says. Do you feel pleasure? Warmth? Is there a sense of fun? Do you feel inspired? Unsafe? Criticized? Do you like who you are in the presence of this person? Does he or she bring out your best self? Be Your True, Vulnerable Self Many of us are striving to provide “perfectly sculpted responses” as we text, message or get together with new dates, Ken says. “But there’s got to be this feeling of essential comfort, and you won’t get to that if you’re trying to be polished and perfect.” That’s what Amy believed when she decided to try dating through the new MeetMindful app after her marriage collapsed. “I was determined to not filter myself, to not think about what I should and shouldn’t say,” she says. On her profile, she wrote that she was a single mom looking for intimacy, friendship and a deep spiritual connection. The night before her first date with Eric McKinley, a Philadelphia public defender, she texted him that she was nervous because she hadn’t been on a date in the nine years since she’d met her ex-husband. “That’s something I never would have shared with my ex,” Amy says. In fact, her first date with her ex-husband had been an uneasy one. “I remember thinking, ‘Should I order salad or a steak? What would each say about me?’ It was this ‘other-izing’ of myself, trying to see myself as he would see me.” With Eric, there was none of that. From the beginning, “I was not at all self-conscious,” she says. “I was completely comfortable around him.” The proof: on their first date, Amy ordered crab nachos and a beer. “That was what I wanted and I didn’t care what impression I made or how messy the nachos would be.” In late October, 10 months after they met, Amy and Eric wed in New Orleans before a small group of friends and family. “It keeps getting better,” she says of their relationship. Still, staying true to herself requires vigilance. “To this day, I will sometimes relapse. I need to be mindful of not trying to be who I think Eric wants me to be.” Take, for example, when he asks, “Do you want the charred Brussels sprouts?” and she says yes. “He’ll look at me and say, ‘Really? What’s going on with you?’ And he’s right. I don’t want the Brussels sprouts,” Amy laughs. “It’s a reminder that Eric fell in love with the real crab-nacho me, and that’s who I’m going to be.” Finally, Ken offers this tip: “When you’re feeling enthusiastic about someone, let yourself show it,” he says. “Once you make the choice that you’re only going to date people with whom you can be yourself, you protect yourself from jerks, you speed up the process and you give yourself permission to take pleasure in savoring the rich moments of connection.” Read more: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

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Love and Happiness

In fairy tales, lasting love just happens. But in real life, healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. What follows is an excerpt from Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. Written by positive psychology experts and husband-and-wife team Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski, this is the first book to explain how you can use the principles of positive psychology to create thriving romantic relationships. *** As important as positive emotions are for us as individuals, they may be even more important for our relationships. They help us forge strong connections with others by breaking down boundaries that separate us from each other. By broadening our attention in ways that help us see ourselves as less distinct from others, they allow us to create all kinds of relationships, including romantic ones. When we are in romantic relationships we desire to expand ourselves by including our partner or spouse within our self and we associate that expansion of our self with the other. Overlapping Circles of Self This influential self-expansion model of love is based on the research of leading relationship scientist Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at Stony Brook University. Aron argues that self-expansion is a catalyst for positive emotions. He and his colleagues use pairs of overlapping circles to ask couples about their relationship quality. On one end of their scale, the pair of circles does not overlap at all, and at the other end, the circles overlap almost completely. The researchers have asked thousands of couples to pick which pair of circles best depicts how they feel about their relationship. The more overlap an individual feels with his or her partner, the better the relationship is likely to fare. This simple measure has been more effective than more complex surveys and interviews at predicting which couples will stay together and which will break up. While self-expansion triggers positivity, Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the leading researcher on positive emotions, finds it works the other way around, as well. In a variety of experiments, she has found that even lab-induced positive emotions can help people see more overlap between themselves and others. These emotions can help people feel closer and more connected to their loved ones. And the more you continually kindle positive feelings in your relationships, the more connected and happy you feel overall. Our Contagious Emotions Another way positive emotions can enhance relationships is through contagion. Just as we can pass colds along to our partners through physical contagion, so we can pass along our feelings to our partners through emotional contagion. Ever notice how when you spend time with your partner, you often wind up feeling the emotions he or she is experiencing? Emotional contagion is rather complex and often happens below the level of our consciousness. It results from the fact that we are built to mimic each other. As infants, we start mimicking our parents soon after we are born, behavior that is critical for our development and constitutes a primary pathway to learning and growing throughout our lives. Emotional contagion results from our tendency to copy or synchronize our facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and behaviors with those around us, and as a result take on their emotional landscape. So although the underlying processes are different, we can talk about catching emotions from others, just as we can talk about catching their colds. And just as there are those who are more susceptible to catching colds from others, there are those who are more sensitive than others to their emotional environment, and thus more likely to pick up the emotions of those around them. This experience, of course, is even more common than the common cold. How many times have you found yourself in a situation in which you are doing fine, but then you spend some time with a partner who is not doing fine? Soon you begin picking up the other person’s negative emotions, and before you know it, you are not doing fine, either. Your partner’s negative emotions have spread to you, and you are now feeling them yourself. How Emotions Spread Researchers have studied this phenomenon by various means and have documented ways in which emotional contagion can result in behavior change. One such researcher is Sigal Barsade, now professor of management at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. She and her colleagues conducted an experiment with ninety-two college undergraduates, bringing them into a lab and randomly assigning them to twenty-nine groups of two to four students each to simulate a managerial exercise. In some of the groups, she also included a research confederate, an actor trained to display a negative mood. Before beginning the managerial exercise, participants completed a mood questionnaire rating how they felt right at that moment. Each participant, including the confederate, took turns giving a presentation. Immediately afterward, participants completed another questionnaire with the same mood items they had rated previously. They were also independently rated by video coders trained to recognize emotion through facial expression, verbal tone, and body language. Sure enough, the groups with the research confederate became more negative over time, with lower levels of cooperation, decreased perceived performance, and more conflict as compared to the other groups in the study. . This indicates that negative emotions can not only spread to those around us but also negatively affect behavior and performance. This study and others like it show us how important it is to be aware of our emotional states. The negative emotions we are feeling can easily spread to our partners and this can affect not just how we feel but also how we behave. Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP and James O. Pawelski, Ph.D. © 2018 by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Suzann (“Suzie”) Pileggi Pawelski (MAPP) holds a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania. She is a freelance writer and well-being consultant specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on health and relationships. Suzie blogs for Psychology Today and writes the “Science of Well-being” column for Live Happy, where she is also a contributing editor. James O. Pawelski, PhD, James O. Pawelski, PhD, is Professor of Practice and Director of Education in the Positive Psychology Center and Adjunct Professor of Religious Studies in the School of Arts and Sciences at the University of Pennsylvania. He is the Principal Investigator on a three-year, $2.5M grant from the Templeton Religion Trust on “The Humanities and Human Flourishing.” Together, Suzie and James give Romance & Research® workshops around the world. Go to buildhappytogether.com to interact with the authors.

relationships

The Holiday Celebration I’ll Never Forget

Traditions help give our holiday get-togethers meaning and comfort. What cherished memory springs to mind for you? Is it your family’s quirky rituals around opening gifts or the certainty that the chestnut stuffing will be sensational? Some know exactly where everyone will sit at the holiday table, including Dad at the carving station and Aunt Ida and Uncle Ed where they have the best shot of claiming the turkey legs. Then there are the holidays that take an unexpected departure in ways that test our abilities to improvise, to find a lesson in near disasters or to move on through grief. Here, three people share their most unforgettable holiday celebrations. Caroling in the Emergency Room Rade B. Vukmir, M.D., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania As an emergency and critical-care physician for three decades, I’ve worked a lot of holidays. Anyone who’s in the emergency medicine business—nurses, doctors, secretaries, administrators, paramedics—has. It’s often an especially busy time because doctors’ offices and urgent-care centers are closed and we get our share of holiday-related emergencies, like people who fell off a ladder when they were decorating the tree. And then you have some people coming in because they have nowhere else to go and they want to experience some holiday spirit. Maybe they’re elderly or disadvantaged. We do our best to be welcoming. There are always trays of cookies and tins of popcorn that the nurses have put out. You might not be with your family, but there’s a strong feeling of camaraderie and the sense that you’re where you need to be. The morning of Dec. 24, 2006, was quiet. The nurses were restocking supplies in the patient rooms before things got too busy. Then, in the late morning a patient in her mid-80s was brought in by ambulance. She’d fallen and hit her head. Like a lot of elderly patients in the ER, she seemed disoriented by her surroundings. I stepped outside so the nurses could help her get into a hospital gown and ready for suturing. I heard one nurse ask from behind the closed curtain if the patient had a favorite Christmas carol. She responded, “Silent Night.” And then in tones as pure and clean as angels, the nurse began to sing and the patient joined in. Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon virgin, mother and child Another nurse came in from the room where she’d been working and then still another nurse. Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace. As I finished the laceration repair, the nurses continued, through all three verses of “Silent Night” and then on to “Joy to the World” and other Christmas carols. That experience would inspire the title of my second book, The ER: One Good Thing a Day. That’s all any of us can hope for—to do one good thing a day, and achieving that, led by the dedication and compassion of our nursing team, made that Christmas as good as it gets. Finding a Mission After a Christmas Mugging Jason Woods, Little Rock, Arkansas It was close to midnight on Dec. 23, and I was waiting for the bus in a deserted town on the outskirts of Peru. I was returning from a holiday celebration with some other members of the social-justice nonprofit where I was doing an internship. It was a long way from my home in Stillwater, Oklahoma, but while I missed spending the holiday with my family, I was flying to Buenos Aires the next morning to meet some friends, and I was excited about that. When I was approached by a guy asking me for money to ride the bus, I said no. I’d seen him a few minutes before counting his money as he came out of a store, so I knew he had enough change for the bus. When he said, “If you don’t give me money I’m going to slit your throat,” I pretended not to understand Spanish. Then he put his arm around my shoulder and ran his hand across my throat to pantomime his intention. After a couple of minutes of the standoff, as a few people started showing up at the bus stop, he put his hand in my pocket, grabbed my cellphone and ran off. I spent Christmas Eve alone on a layover in the Santiago de Chile airport and then got to Buenos Aires on Christmas. My friends were arriving the next day and the hostel was pretty much empty except for a woman from California named Sarah who was about my age. We decided to go out for a Christmas dinner together and, after lots of searching, found an Italian restaurant that was open. Over pizza and a bottle of wine, we chatted for the next four hours, talking about everything—experiences in South America, relationships, our families. Sarah could tell that I was still kind of flustered by the mugging, and she was very open, friendly and eager to celebrate with me. It ended up being a pretty fabulous Christmas. It’s been six years now. Sarah and I haven’t seen each other again, but we’re Facebook friends, and she’s definitely left her mark on me. I still travel a lot in my job as a writer for the nonprofit Heifer International, and I try to be there for people who are beset by minor disasters the way Sarah was there for me. Coming back from Tanzania with my photographer not long ago, we ran into a British woman at the airport who was in crisis mode. The airline had lost her reservation and after many hours she still couldn’t get on a plane. With no place to eat at the airport she was pretty famished. “I would kill for some Indian food now,” she said. The photographer and I had some time to spare, so we left the airport, went to a local Indian restaurant we knew and, after some finagling with the restaurant on how to do takeout, loaded a plate for her from the buffet. When we showed up again at the airport, she was amazed and overjoyed. That’s the Sarah effect. She turned me into someone who tries his best to look out for wayward travelers. The Family Dog Offers a Lesson in Coping With Grief Rachel Ghadiali, Alexadra, Virginia My dad passed away in March 2013 and none of us were in the mood to celebrate Christmas that year. My mom had always gone all out; she actually had a whole room in the house filled with Christmas decorations. We’d put up a big tree and lots of smaller ones, along with a bunch of different Santas and tons of lights. That year we thought about canceling Christmas, but instead mom put up one small tree and a few trinkets. Every year I would bring my dad a box of chocolate-covered cherries, and I still brought them that year. We opened that, along with our other gifts. My mom had cooked a traditional Christmas meal, and we were looking forward to that. At the last minute, we decided to visit Grandma (my dad’s mother), who lived only a few minutes away and was with other family members. So my mom, my brother, my husband and I all hopped into the car. We left dinner on the stove and told Rosy, my well-trained 5-year-old German shepherd, we’d be right back. When we returned about 30 minutes later, Rosy greeted us like her normal, happy-go-lucky lovable self. But when we walked into the kitchen it was mayhem. We’d left Rosy alone with food a million times and she had never counter surfed before. But this time she had gone to town, pulling everything off the stove to enjoy her own Christmas feast and leaving only scraps for us on the floor. We were shocked, and then we all burst out in laughter. None of us were angry. It was almost like there was so much sadness in the house, Rosy did what she had to do to break the tension and help us laugh again. So, we cooked up some hamburgers, made nachos with chips and cheese out of a can and broke into thecheeseball and fruitcake that mom’s friends had given her as gifts. We ate dad’s chocolate-covered cherries and, as we did every single Christmas, we sat down as a family and watchedA Christmas Story. Our spirits lifted, thanks to Rosy, and it felt as if dad were there right beside us. *** 3 Ideas for a Memorable Holiday Celebration Want to mix things up a bit? Here are some ways to tweak your annual Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s festivities. Share Plates for a Cause Robert Egger, president and founder of the nonprofit L.A. Kitchen, decided to try an alternative to the gala fundraiser this year. In a citywide weekend of dinner parties called Shared Plates, people invited guests into their homes for a ticket price of usually $75 and provided a communal meal. The host or co-hosts covered food costs and 100 percent of the ticket sales went to fight hunger. “We wanted to bring things back to street level and instead of one big light in a ballroom, we’d have hundreds of lights all over the city,” Robert says. “People did everything from a pizza party in a USC dorm to elaborate sit-down dinners in Beverly Hills.” The concept can easily be adapted for a local shelter, food bank or any cause of your choice. For host tips, check outsharedplates.org. Host a Meetup, or Be a Guest at One Last year, ReginaRodríguez-Martin, an American culture coach, tried an experiment. She posted notice of a Thanksgiving Chicago Language Exchange Meetup, inviting expats of all stripes to her home for a traditional holiday feast. Everyone who responded was assigned a dish (she handled turkey duties), and on T-Day her one-bedroom home was filled with guests from Russia, Honduras, Mexico, Kazakhstan, Lebanon and China, along with a few local friends and neighbors. “I’ve been that person with no family in a new city, wondering what I’m going to do on a holiday,” Regina says. “Not only did I feel I was extending a welcoming hand, it turned out to be a really great party and I’ll be doing it again this year.” Start your own holiday meetup. Organize a Progressive Potluck For a fun twist on the potluck, make it a progressive dinner, where each course is served at someone else’s home. (This works best for friends or family who live within walking distance.) The afternoon or evening might begin with munchies and cocktails at one home; appetizers, soup or salad at the next; the main course at a third home; and dessert at your final destination. SearchPinterestfor inspiration and ideas. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

relationships

5 Tips for Raising Happy Kids as a Single Parent

The makeup of the “typical” American family has changed a lot in the past 50 years; these days you can find all kinds of different configurations. In 1960, the number of children under age 18 being raised in a two-parent household was 88 percent, according to census data. In 2016, that number had declined to 69 percent. Dual-parent families are still the majority, but being a single parent is no longer as unusual—or as stigmatized as it once was. There are many reasons why a single parent might be raising a family by her or himself, starting with divorce, death and personal choice. Regardless of the reason, single parents face unique challenges that even the most well-adjusted, tuned-in parent can struggle with. I know from personal experience that single parents need support to make their lives and the lives of their children easier, happier and less stressful. Here are some ways to increase your child’s happiness if you are a single parent: 1. Create routines. Schedules and structure make things easier for children because they will know what to expect and that predictability will lower stress for everyone in the household. As my children were growing up, they had a set bedtime and routines that included having lunch boxes and backpacks by the door the night before. We even had weekend routines that included lazy mornings of TV watching and picnic breakfasts. 2. Load up on love, praise and attention. Many single parents deal with financial challenges and the guilt of not being able to provide everything you or your children might want. Your children do not need lavish gifts, expensive outings, expensive tennis shoes or to go to the priciest summer camp. Instead, they need quality time, affection and memory-making experiences. Consider free or low-cost activities such as going on nature walks and taking pictures or baking several kinds of cookies on a weekend afternoon. You can even make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and deliver them to the local fire department. When my kids and I did this one year, the firefighters let them put on their hats and climb onto the trucks for a photo op—it was a win-win and made a terrific memory! 3. Teach gratitude. Children in single-parent families sometimes become acutely aware of things they are missing that other families have. I have often heard children complain about having less money, or two places to visit for the holidays, or that they do not have two parents at a school event, etc. If children (or any of us for that matter) spend too much time focused on the holes in our lives we can end up unhappy and even depressed. While these issues may be realities, it is important to take time to focus on the positives. Teach your kids to appreciate what they do have, whether it is the roof over their head; gifts for their birthdays; or a parent who makes them a sack lunch every day, helps them with homework and watches their favorite television show with them. Here is one great exercise to boost gratitude: At Friday night family dinners, go around the table and say what you are thankful for. 4. Pat yourself and your kids on the back. As a single parent, we are often too hard on ourselves and on our kids. We can get so wrapped up in balancing and juggling it all that we forget to take time out for praise. Give yourself and your children credit for your efforts and hard work. Have an afternoon applause session for you and your child because you quizzed him or her for hours and the result was an A, or because you and your child baked until midnight to get those cupcakes made for the school bake sale. Before dinner each night or even once a week take time out to compliment each other. 5. Connect with similar families. All parents need some grown-up time, and all children need some time to be influenced and entertained by others. Connect with another single parent who has kids close in age and take turns watching each other’s children, having sleepovers and doing activities together. When my kids were young, another single mom and I did three activities each month: One where I had all of the kids and she had a break, one where she had the kids and I got some grown up time, and one where both of our families did things together. We made sure to plan fun and interesting outings or activities for the kids, such as trips to the zoo or museum or cherry picking and swim races at a local pool. We saved money on babysitting while providing our kids with fun and a close bond with other children in the neighborhood. Plus, they had three fun activities with another family to look forward to each month! Stacy Kaiser is a Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and editor at large for Live Happy. As a former weekly advice columnist for USA Today with more than 100 appearances on major networks, including CNN, FOX and NBC, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.

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