Relationships

People of all ages respond well to the right kind of feedback. As parents and executive coaches, we’ve noticed that certain key concepts of positive psychology are effective in both parenting and work settings. 1. Shine a light on what’s going right. As Margaret and her colleague Dana Arakawa found in their research, thanking people and recognizing their work is directly tied to better productivity. Managers who gave the most positive feedback also ran teams that were 42 percent more productive compared with the managers who gave the least positive feedback. And of course children respond well to your gratitude when they help with chores without being asked. We’ll fill you in on a little productivity secret: It’s more motivating to your team—and to your kids—to be recognized for things that they’re doing well. 2. Give process praise, not person praise. If Margaret could change one aspect of her parenting, it would be how she praised her daughters. She praised their good deeds by saying, “You’re so smart” or “You’re such a good girl,” thinking she was encouraging more of the same behavior. But research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., of Stanford University, and others, shows that such praise (called person praise) can demotivate people in the long term. Why? Because people may stop working on projects in which they can’t immediately see the payoff of being smart or fast or talented. What’s the solution? Process praise. With our kids, that means giving them specific praise about what they’ve done—something like: “Recording your favorite TV shows the last two nights so you could make flashcards for your test showed dedication, Joey! That extra time and effort really made a difference!” The same detailed feedback works in the office. We’re setting people up for future success by emphasizing that more effort pays off. 3. Change it into a habit. Wendy Wood, Ph.D., of the University of Southern California, is the foremost expert on habits. She finds two major benefits of habits: Emotionally, they remove stress from a task, and mentally, they free our minds to think about other things. The next time you’re looking to change behavior at work or at home, think of habits. When a client wanted to contribute more in group settings, we encouraged her to ask a question or say something within the first 15 minutes of a meeting.In each of our homes, to avoid distractions and foster deeper conversations, we created a family habit: The dinner table is a phone-free zone. We hope you, too, can practice crossover skills that help at home and at work!

In today’s busy world, we sometimes push aside things that are important to us—like family time and traditions. Blogger, author and former teacher Jessica Smartt believes that making memories is the missing piece in today’s families. As the mother of three, she’s worked to build new traditions in her own family and make those moments more meaningful. Her book, Memory-Making Mom: Building Traditions That Breathe Life Into Your Home, looks at how even the busiest family can rethink their day-to-day activities and create memory-making traditions. She joined us on the Live Happy Now podcast to talk about why these traditions are so important and how we can start creating them in our own families. Live Happy Now: What made you want to write a book about traditions and creating memories? Jessica Smartt: I think for a long time I sort of felt angsty and guilty, that I wasn’t fun enough and our house was kind of lame. I didn’t quite know how to fix it and it just kind of dawned on me one day [while] talking to an older gentleman who is on the other side of parenting, how powerful traditions are. They’re like the missing link between what we care about and how to make it actually happen. Everybody has a tradition from their childhood that they remembered. They’re always different and you know, sometimes they’re the funniest things that stick out to people, but it’s really powerful for kids and for parents too. LHN: It falls on the mom typically, to uphold traditions and implement them, so I think when someone says, "I’m going to start doing traditions," they’re like shoot me now, I don’t need one more thing to do. Can you talk about why it’s important to create traditions? JS: Well, I’d be lying if I said that it was always easy because it’s not. What’s easy is to sit on your phone and scroll. But at the end of the day, no one lays their head on their pillow and thinks, "That was a great 20 minutes I spent scrolling Instagram. I’m so glad I did that." But you do say, and I know this from experience, "I’m glad I played that game of Candy Land for the 20th time” or "I’m glad I played catch with my son in the front yard." While it’s not easy, it’s so satisfying. Putting these things into action is a way of choosing the intentional life that really gives us satisfaction and peace. That’s step one. Step two is—I think I have kind of made it a little bit easy with my book—I always say if you’re starting out, pick a couple of things that matter to your family. With your kids, if they’re old enough, come up with a way to implement that. The amazing thing is kids really remember and so they will actually never forget and will remind you forever for the rest of your life if that helps. LHN: What does it do for us as a family when we intentionally set about making memories? JS: Childhood under our roof is so short and so quick. Number one is, you’re giving them things they need with these memories. It supports us, it bolsters us up, it gives us confidence, it gives us a sense of stability and it tells us who we are. It does so many things that we don’t even realize it. Even little silly ones, you know? Doughnuts every Saturday with dad. That’s doing something on a level that I think we don’t always give it enough credit and then part two is, it tells your family members that they matter. For parents who are so overworked and so busy, this is a way of saying I choose us and you matter. It’s amazing, it really works to say, “We’re all going to hop in the car right now and go to the zoo.” Their faces light up like and you can tell it’s like, “We’re doing this together, we matter. Mom and dad actually like us. They’re not just dragging us around because they have to.” LHN: It does change the way that they see the adult world because they’re used to seeing us work and come home and we’re tired and we’re on our phones, we’re on our laptops…so this can kind of changes the way we are seen by them. JS: Exactly. That’s powerful for me to think you know, talk about technology in a couple of years, my kids are going to have phones and they’re learning right now by watching me how to act with technology, you know? They’re seeing if I have hobbies outside. They’re seeing what I do at dinner. They’re seeing if I look people in the eye and you know, they learn much more from what we’re doing than what we’re saying and so this is a concrete way of saying, here’s what matters to us as a family. We’re important and making memories is important and here’s our values. I always fail, I’m not the perfect memory-making mom, but at least now I have the goal. I know what I’m shooting towards. LHN: Obviously it benefits kids greatly, but what has it done for you as the parent to implement traditions? JS: Well, a big part of it for me, as I said, was just making me feel more confident that I am doing this thing, certainly not perfectly, but a little closer in that direction. That’s a really good, powerful feeling that you kind of have, like you just said, your goal that you’re shooting towards. You know it’s been enjoyable. We’ve made some really fun memories and it is fun as a grown-up to do all this stuff that gives us life, like hiking mountains or going on vacation. LHN: You do a great job in this book of giving us ideas. How does someone start deciding what’s right for their family? JS: There are a ton of ideas in the back. And this summer I’m launching a free bullet journal where you can kind of jot down in different categories to what your particular goals are. I would say, just—in the book, you can actually skip around and pick the topic that really interests you. I would just pick one of those ideas. I like to think of it as maybe picking something daily if it fits. Something seasonal, something maybe weekly.…Even just picking two things a year to do is a great start because you get it under your belt, you feel good about it. You are excited. So, I would just say start very slowly but start.

Teenagers can be rough on your self-esteem. While a younger child looks up to you, desires your company, is eager to please and aspires to be like you, an adolescent becomes more critical, more focused on friends, more argumentative, more passively resistant and strives to be distinct from you. Because of this, you might feel like you invest most of your time worrying about, arguing with, negotiating with and nagging your teen. And, you feel like your worthy efforts at parenting either go unnoticed or are not appreciated. So, how can you cope with this blow to your self-esteem? You must first take responsibility for managing it yourself. To do that, try these four suggestions to make it easier for you. Adjusting Expectations You shouldn’t take these changes personally; they are not about you. Instead, you might tell yourself, “I understand that as my teenager is changing, our relationship is changing. This means that close together times might seem harder to come by.” Asking for What You Need When you feel unacknowledged for your efforts, it’s important that you ask for what you need. For example, you might declare your expectation for common courtesy by saying, “When I do something for you, I would like a ‘thank-you’ just as I give when you do for me.” And when the relationship starts to feel distant or disaffected, you can express your feelings and suggest ways to reconnect by saying something like, “How about we go out to get something to eat or go to a movie or do something else together? I’ve been missing fun company with you.” Insisting on a Give-and-Take You should refuse to adopt a role where you do all the giving and the teenager does all the receiving, because this will naturally lead to resentment. Instead, you can simply say, “I expect to live in a two-way relationship with you. This means just as I do for you, I expect you also do for me. And sometimes you will need to do for me before I do for you.” Defining Yourself Broadly You should not allow your self-esteem to depend entirely on the opinion of your teenager and what she or he does or doesn’t do. Instead, you must define yourself broadly beyond only being a parent to an adolescent. You might remind yourself of other aspects of your life, such as your active social circles, hobbies that you enjoy or charities that you are involved with. And you should absolutely not judge yourself through your adolescent’s unappreciative or critical eyes. To keep up your self-esteem, you must evaluate yourself kindly by focusing on your various parenting “wins,” even if they seem small. To keep up your self-esteemwhile raising teenagers, it helps if you ask yourself,“What do I wish my adolescentwould say in recognition for all I do for her?”Then, you should commit to being your own best supporter and affirmatively answer thatquestion for yourself.

Stress, disorganization, frustration, and anger; are these part of your morning routine? Getting sleepy, uncooperative children out the door on time in the morning can try any parent’s patience, and it is especially difficult when both parents have to get out the door and off to work themselves. Have you ever muttered, “There’s got to be a better way?” Well, there is. Picture this: Your children wake up on their own, get dressed by themselves, take turns fixing breakfast (including yours) and get their lunches (which they fixed the night before) from the fridge. They then pick up their homework and gym clothes (from the place where they had them all laid out the night before) and give you a kiss as they leave for school with time to spare. Sound good? This could be your home—or very close to it. A win-win situation In Positive Discipline, we teach the importance of “winning children over” instead of “winning over children.” Winning over children invites rebellion or giving up. Winning children over invites cooperation. Winning your children over does not mean giving them what they want so that they like you and are more likely to do what you want them to do. Winning your child over means you created a desire for cooperation based on a feeling of mutual respect. One of the best ways to win children over is to do things with them instead of to or for them. Doing things with them means respectfully involving them in finding solutions that work for everyone such as chores charts and set routines. Not my job Another great way to help your children learn responsibility is for you to be “consciously irresponsible.” Parents sometimes spend endless energy and time being responsible for their children. They set their alarm clocks for them, shake them out of bed in the morning, issue incessant reminders to get dressed, eat breakfast, find their shoes, pack their backpacks, and grab their lunch, and still they find themselves driving children to school because they missed the bus. It’s a good system for the kids (at least on the surface). But children aren’t learning self- discipline and motivation and often become discouraged about their own competence, and parents are becoming cranky, frustrated, and resentful. Lead by Example To be consciously irresponsible, let children know what they are capable of doing on their own and take time for training. Then, don’t do it for them. Don’t set the alarm clock, don’t remind them to get dressed or eat. As they experience natural consequences, they may choose to be more responsible themselves. After an initial uncomfortable learning stage, they will likely start to enjoy their growing skills and confidence. This is a great way to acquaint them with their personal power in a positive way. Imagine how much more relaxed and contented we can be both in the home and in our professional lives when we let go of a bit of control and empower others.

Most of us are willing to put real effort into relationships that we value. But trying too hard can put the relationship at risk. This is especially true in the case of romantic relationships because the self-disclosure and vulnerability we feel when becoming close to another person may make us wary of those who make demands that we’re not sure we’re ready to meet. “Trying too hard” is related to attempting to control where a relationship goes. It’s generally seen in micromanaging behavior and almost always causes a “distancing” by the other partner, who becomes more ambivalent and ducks the controlling behavior. This, of course, exacerbates the issue by causing the “controlling” partner to lean even more into controlling (or “fixing”) the relationship, which only increases the anxiety and ambivalence of the other partner. The following tips are designed to help ensure that both parties remain comfortably on the same page in developing needed give-and-take in a relationship: Openly discuss the status of your relationship. Build in a habit of checking in with each other about what you think and feel about how your connection is proceeding. Frankly discuss feelings such as anxiety, insecurity and (perhaps most importantly) ambivalence. This may seem strange at first, but it is valuable for getting to know someone and vital for maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. Decide how and when you’ll have these talks and stay open to taking a timeout when the other person is feeling anxious and ambivalent. This not only promotes trust, but reduces the likelihood of triggering crises down the road related to unresolved feelings or issues. Cultivate a practice of mindfulness of how each partner is experiencing the relationship, so that neither party feels in danger of being either depleted or overwhelmed. Such a practice can be initiated by calling a timeout and sitting quietly with one another for short time, say three to five minutes. Follow this up with a period of alternating shares (also timed) in which each party talks about what it was like to sit quietly with each other without taking one another’s inventory. With practice, this builds a safe space for couples to practice the unconditional acceptance of where each person stands in the relationship. Give each other permission to speak up if one of you feels that the other is over-managing what’s going on between you. Indicators of over-management can be as subtle as one of you always deciding who does a household chore to something as significant as deciding when you’re going to have sex or how you’re going to spend your vacations. Remember to maintain focus on how one is experiencing the other’s “over-management.” For example, instead of an accusatory, “you never pay attention to what I want,” (which probably will elicit a retaliatory accusation) verbalize your own feelings only: “I feel as if my ideas about how we could spend our vacation don’t matter to you” or “it hurts my feelings when you push me away when I try to kiss you.” Sticking to verbalizing only your own feelings without blaming leaves open an avenue for jointly analyzing and finding solutions to problems. Don’t act as if “everything is fine” when it isn’t. Few behaviors have more “blow-up potential” than ignoring your own feelings to keep the peace. At the same time, avoid insisting on raising an issue in a time and place that’s likely to create more discomfort (as well as resistance and resentment) rather than relieve it. With practice, the three previous techniques will create an interpersonal environment in which virtually any issue can be processed in a calm, nonaccusatory way, and in almost any setting. Problems are then solved in real time, undercutting the danger of ignoring or stewing in our feelings. Each time you address a problem or potential problem in this way, you’ll have taken a giant step forward in building both connection and mutual trust. You may have noticed that safety is the cornerstone of everything we’ve said here. But feeling safe isn’t automatic: It’s built over time, and the four points above can keep the process on track. The unconditional hospitality you create, no matter what each of you is feeling, becomes the beginning, the way and the goal of making your relationship better.

Having a dog as a friend can be a fun and meaningful way to add more happiness in life. According to the journal Scientific Reports, having a dog around can reduce our risk of cardiovascular disease by keeping us company in times of loneliness and nudging us to be more active. Jeff Franklin, one of the world’s leading dog trainers and subject of the new book Franklin: The Man Behind the United States Commando Dogs by Matthew Duffy, says dogs can be the “most nonjudgmental, loving and loyal creatures on the planet. We all want more of those qualities in our lives.” For dogs, being a member of a loving home keeps their tails wagging. Unfortunately, millions of good dogs are living in shelters waiting for that forever home. Jeff explains that many dogs end up in shelters because people underestimate the responsibility of being a dog owner. “Our shelters would become fairly empty if dog owners realized the amount of time it takes to work with a new dog to integrate them into their new ‘human’ type of life and requirements,” he says. “We have worked with shelters and their dogs for over 20 years and the number one reason for dogs being there is because they simply do not have the life skills they need to be the assets they are capable of being in our lives, such as house breaking, not pulling on the leash, not jumping, not barking, destructive chewing, etc.” Every October, the ASPCA celebrates Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, to raise awareness about the importance of adopting a shelter dog. If you are thinking about adding a new four-legged friend to your household, Jeff offers his tips for finding the right pet for you. What should we look for in a shelter dog?  The best thing to do is to look for a dog that generally fits into your lifestyle. If you are picking a shelter dog because they are cute, or sad, or you feel sorry for them, it may not be the correct fit. If you’re busy and social, pick a dog that likes that as well.  If you’re more of a homebody that prefers to stay indoors, then pick the hangout kind of dog. There are many personalities of great dogs that need homes of all types. What are the benefits of caring for/adopting a senior dog? I believe this is a great unselfish act to do. Sure, we all go to shelters and run straight for the adorable puppies, because baby animals leave an impression on us. For me, I have given a home to several senior dogs and the experience was incredibly rewarding on multiple levels. Of course, the down side is that they were only with me a few years, but having the pleasure to give them a great home environment for their last years was priceless…not to mention so much easier than a feisty puppy. What is a training tip you can share with us? Teach your dogs to behave, have good manners and life skills.  Commands (sit, down, stay) are good, but overrated compared to just having a well-behaved canine friend. Dogs that behave well usually spend a substantial amount more time with their owners on a regular basis—not to mention the fact that these dogs do not usually end up in shelters. Make your dog an asset by great training at the beginning of your relationship together and you will always have a faithful companion to care for and spend time with. Where did your ability to communicate with dogs come from? It sounds cliché, but it is just a natural gift. I can teach people how to work with animals, but truly reading and communicating is a naturally given trait that can be enhanced with experience. I’ve been lucky to spend most of my life working with dogs and this has given me invaluable insight into how they think and behave.  What’s most satisfying to you about your work with dogs? I am most satisfied when I work with a canine family or K9 team and the results are a happy dog and happy handlers that perform well at whatever their desired task is—whether it be a family pet, a service dog or a working dog.