Relationships | Live Happy

Community Gardens Grow Happiness

After a day full of sunshine, the deep scent of rich, moist earth gently rises over the coastal community garden of South Laguna, California. As far as the eye can see, every one of the 54 raised beds that surround Katie Babcock is overflowing with lush, green vegetables—beans, chard, arugula and beet greens. Tomato plants bolt up climbing towers toward the sun, potatoes send up sturdy green shoots to feed tubers underground, and there’s even a rumor that blueberries are setting tiny fruits that will one day—please God!—end up in a pie. Some days it’s glorious just to be alive, and moving through the raised beds perched high on a sandy bluff above the Pacific Ocean is rapidly becoming one of those days. Tucked among the village’s shops and homes, the garden is a gathering place in which Katie and about 100 local gardeners grow vegetables, herbs, flowers and fruits for their families—plus enough vegetables to help meet the needs of Friendship Shelter, a six-month residential program for the homeless. They also gather for community potlucks, gardening workshops and work parties. But whether they’re eating, weeding, watering or just burying their noses in gardener Silia Hatzi’s roses, it’s clear that the group members are united by their love of dirt, the bonds of friendship, the healthy promise of fresh vegetables, a commitment to care for those in need—and the clear sense that what they do here on the bluff infuses them with a deep sense of happiness. “Getting in the soil and making a bit of a mess and seeing a finished product is a joyful experience for me,” acknowledges Katie, an Australian production assistant who moved last year to South Laguna. “I grew up on a farm, and I really missed helping things grow. And not having a family here, well, I’d say the gardening community has become my family away from home.” She laughs just thinking about the cast of characters she’s found working in the South Laguna garden. “The people are so kind, so encouraging, so welcoming—it’s given me a sense of place and purpose in the community. The days when we all get together and work and have a laugh…that’s who I am,” she says. Sally Coffey, a retired college administrator who works with new gardeners, couldn’t agree more. When Sally decided to hang up her academic gloves, she realized that she’d been so busy for so many years that she didn’t even know her neighbors. “In this area, you either have to have a kid or a dog to get to know people,” she says. “I was concerned I wouldn’t have any friends to talk to once I left the college. Then one day I went to get breakfast at a coffee shop. I passed a bulletin board with a note on it that said some people were opening a community garden. They had one raised bed plot left. Well, I’d always loved the loamy smell of dirt—and when I was little, right after a rain, I’d go out and lick the sidewalk.” So Sally called the one name on the note that she recognized, then ran over to his office and signed up for the plot. But not only did she get the plot, she got an invitation to the guy’s Halloween party. “He’d invited everybody in the neighborhood, including all the gardeners,” Sally recalls. “I didn’t have a costume, so I just ran home, painted some whiskers on my face and went. I met a bunch of people from the garden. The next day I went down to the garden with them and built boxes for the raised beds. She smiles. “It was instant family.” The Love of Dirt Hanging out with a bunch of great people in the fresh, coastal air is enough to make anyone happy. But scientists have long suspected that we also have an innate attraction to nature that has evolved over the millennia—and that just walking into a garden or contemplating a flower has the ability to trigger a cascade of neurotransmitters that balance us and bless us with happiness, according to the 2013 article “Gardening as a Mental Health Intervention: A Review” in the Mental Health Review Journal. Some suspect that being in an environment with water, woods, plants and other natural materials that enhance our survival triggers this effect, while others wonder if being in a natural environment simply distracts us from the sometimes obsessive challenges of daily life, captivates our attention, shifts a bunch of neurotransmitters and allows us to relax. But distraction, at least the type that captivates our attention in a kind of total absorption that psychologists call “fascination,” isn’t the looking-at-your-watch kind of thing. It’s far more intense, and the effect is as well. “Watching a butterfly land on your hand or the wind moving through the trees—these are the kind of distractions that allow the brain to reboot itself,” explains Jean Larson, Ph.D., lead faculty for the University of Minnesota’s Center for Spirituality and Healing, and manager of the university’s nature-based therapy arboretum. Ancient and modern brain systems trigger electrical impulses. The neocortex—the part of the brain responsible for complex thinking and reasoning—becomes engaged, and the brain’s synapses start firing on all cylinders. It’s a kind of neurological rebalancing act that, as Jean says, “allows us to be in our happy place.” Whether the calm happiness you feel in nature is the result of simply being in a life-supporting environment or rebooting your brain, the effect is powerful. Studies reveal that those who spend time in nature are less likely to be stressed or depressed, and that a few minutes working in a garden—even simply walking through one—can reduce severe depression and increase the ability to think, remember, plan and function. In a Norwegian study, for example, those with clinical depression who participated in a horticulture program cut their depression by 30 percent and increased their ability to think and function effectively by 14 percent. Given those kinds of numbers, it’s heartbreaking to realize that most of us spend around 95 percent of our time indoors. Jean shakes her head. “We’re so disconnected from nature,” she says. “Yet researchers in Scotland have shown that it only takes 30 minutes of being in nature each day to have an effect on how we think and feel.” The Children’s Sharing Garden Carly Sciacca, a full-time mom who grew up in Laguna Beach as the daughter, granddaughter and great-granddaughter of serious gardeners, is well aware of the spiritual and emotional effects of gardening. “The garden is so joyful,” she says, “and gardening is so therapeutic, particularly when you go through hard times.” That’s one of the reasons Carly brought her daughter, 7-year-old Alani, to plant, water, weed and harvest in the South Laguna community garden. Carly wanted Alani to know that when she hurts, she can drop her problems at the garden gate and get comfort from digging her hands in the soil. She can meditate on a ladybug, sit in the sun and breathe with the rhythm of the earth. But Carly also wanted Alani to discover something else in the garden—the joy of helping others. According to the United States Department of Agriculture, more than 49 million Americans are not sure where their next meal is coming from, while nearly 7 million are already hungry. A natural organizer, Carly established a raised bed plot called “The Children’s Sharing Garden,” and invited parents in the community garden to bring their children to the plot every Sunday morning. Fifteen families responded, and Sunday mornings in the South Laguna garden have become a busy time. The children do most of the work—planting, weeding and meditating on the texture, smell and shape of everything that grows. It not only gives them an opportunity to immerse themselves in nature, but to also experience the joy of growing food for their families and others as well. It took the parents a while to sort out a delivery system, but now every Thursday, Carly, Alani and a group of volunteers gather fresh vegetables from the children’s garden and from a community plot dedicated to raising food for the hungry. They place their bounty on a large table, bag their offering, then take it to the Friendship Shelter for distribution. Some of the vegetables go straight to the shelter’s kitchen where guest chefs prepare them for those enrolled in the shelter’s residential program for the homeless, while other vegetables are transported to area food shelves. The Giving Garden Kids are a big part of The Giving Garden in Carrollton, Texas, as well. Daisy Girl Scouts, Eagle Scouts, National Honor Society students and children from the Aldersgate United Methodist Church all take a turn at cleaning up garden beds, composting, planting, mulching, harvesting and performing the 101 chores a garden demands. “We work these kids hard,” says Terri Barrett, a member of the garden’s board and director of missions at Aldersgate, “but they sign up and come back again and again.” What seems to draw the Carrollton children is the same thing that draws their elders—a strong sense of service to others. Every week—and pretty much year-round because of the moderate Texas climate—both kids and adults can be found bent over an acre of raised beds behind Aldersgate. Fifty percent of everything grown in the garden is given to local food shelves or needy seniors. Since the garden was founded five years ago, its volunteers have contributed 6,000 pounds of fresh produce to feed the hungry. “A few years ago a pastor here at the church realized that the back acreage of the church’s property was just sitting there not doing a thing,” Terri explains. “So he suggested it be used for people who don’t have enough to eat. People at the church thought it was a great idea, so we figured out how we could use the land, drew up a plan, and joined with Keep Carrollton Beautiful, which is the garden club for the community. “Keep Carrollton Beautiful became our umbrella organization so we could have nonprofit status,” Terri adds, then both the organization and the Aldersgate church donated funds. A number of individuals also contributed to the garden, and local businesses were generous. It was a true community effort. “Finally, in 2010, about 100 people—gardeners, architects and people like me who didn’t have a clue about building a garden—we all got together and built the first beds. “Now, the garden is where I find serenity and peace,” says Terri as she looks out over beds overflowing with lush, green vegetables. “It offers us the sense of community that we’ve lost in the electronic age. People meet and talk, we make friends with people of all ages and ethnicities we otherwise wouldn’t know, and we feed those who are hungry.” She smiles. “It’s such a healing place.”

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Oh, The Things Dads Say

Whether it’s that reminder that he isn’t a chauffeur or that we can have an opinion when we start paying bills, dads sure have a funny way of handing out advice. Even though he may chuckle if we stumble, he’s always there to lift us back up. In honor of Father’s Day, our readers share their dads’ wacky and wise bon mots. Don't Worry... “Is it going to matter in five years?” —Jennie B. “Don’t work late. It will be there tomorrow for you.” —Kathleen H. Before he passed away, my dad always taught my siblings and me to “believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” We were too young to understand, but one day it dawned on me exactly what he meant.—Bernadette B. Stay out of trouble... His way of telling us to make good choices was “always keep your nose clean.”—Charmayne S. Anytime I went out with friends, my dad would tell me, “Be good! And if you can’t be good, be safe!”—Missy L. “Keep your powder dry.” Because of his love for old cannons and guns, back when gunpowder was used, it was his way of saying, be safe, be prepared and take care.—Cindy H. Be happy... “Be the mailman, deliver!” Every morning as our boys walked out the door to school, my husband would say that. Our older son used it as his senior quote in the yearbook. —Terri T. “Never be afraid of change. If you don’t change, you don’t grow.”—Veronica H. At the end of all our conversations, my dad would say, “Remember, be true to yourself.” He passed away after Father’s Day in 2016.—Debbie W. My dad would always tell me how proud he was of me and that I was brave for the choices I made, yet I always stayed sweet and kind.—Christina A. And keep laughing! Growing up, my dad always said, “If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be built upside down!”—Sarah C. “Never pass up a chance to pee.”—Missy M. My dad had a ton of sayings, but one of the most important is this, “You have to keep your humor. You have to be able to laugh at yourself often.”—Priscilla H. Happy lessons learned from fatherhood. Matteo Bussola is the author of the book Sleepless Nights and Kisses for Breakfast: Reflections on Fatherhood. This architect-turned-cartoonist lives in Verona, Italy, with his wife, Paola, and their three young daughters, Virginia, Ginevra and Melania. He writes about his family's adventures, as they serve as moving reminders to people all around the world to embrace the present and value every moment they share with their loved ones. Below he shares with us the valuable lessons he has learned from being a father. Dads are known for silly sayings or non-sequiturs. What funny sayings do you say to your children that make them happy? It’s not so much a silly saying, but an entire made-up language that I use. My three little girls have an “alternative language” made up of invented and seemingly meaningless words that we use within the family, as we are the only ones who understand them. But I will never confess what the words are—I still have a reputation to maintain after all! I think it’s through their children that dads discover the joy of play and tenderness again. Both things are banned from our adult world, especially the male one. I don’t understand why. What is the greatest part of being a father? The greatest part of being a father is listening to your children’s questions and becoming aware that each question holds a hidden opportunity for you. You simply have to refrain from giving them a ready-made adult answer and, instead, take the opportunity to see the world through their eyes. We need to understand that being a father isn’t just about educating your children; rather, they also educate you. While you try to give them rules to live in the world, children can teach you to look at the world with new eyes, without prejudice. Being a father teaches you a special kind of attention that you learn the moment you realize adults focus too heavily on the future, while children are always very present. Kids are different from us because they live in the moment. For them, what exists is now. That’s why the word that a child hates most is later. Being around kids reminds us that it’s very important to give value to every single moment, to be present, for them and for ourselves. The greatest realization you have as a father is that your child will only be 8 once and only 4 once and only 2 once, and every day, every hour, every minute, you find yourself watching a series of shows with no repeat performances. You can either be there and watch it while it happens and live it with your children or lose these experiences forever. What is the best parenting advice your dad ever gave you? And do you pass it down to your children? My father never believed in rules; he had much more confidence in improvisation and instinct. Sometimes he was right, sometimes he was wrong. He didn’t necessarily tell me exactly what to do, but taught by example—sometimes with his mistakes, even the ones he made when he thought he was doing the right thing. For example, he discouraged me from becoming an artist because he was convinced that it wasn’t the right path for me and didn’t offer any financial stability. This didn’t discourage me—rather, it pushed me to understand how much I loved drawing and made me persevere even more, until I achieved my dream of becoming a comic book artist. So one of the most important lessons I learned from my father, the one I’m trying to pass to my daughters, is that obstacles don’t come into our lives to stop us from doing things, but to show us who we are. Where is your happy place? It’s the one I choose every day. Here. With them.

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Free Play Benefits the Whole Family

When did you become the executive assistant to your kids? Do you schedule play dates, choose the activity and pick the participants? Do you pick out the outfit that they are going to wear? Do you spend all day Saturday and Sunday with your children facilitating their activities? Is this what you thought parenthood was going to be like as you excitedly prepared to welcome your little bundle of joy? If so, you might want to consider a different approach. Do you remember when your mom and dad used to say, “It’s a beautiful day, go outside and play?” They might not have understood why but they were onto something. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that is related to mood. The higher the serotonin level the better your mood. According to a study in Australia, people had higher serotonin levels on sunny days as opposed to overcast or cloudy days. For all of you living in a cold weather climate, it did not matter if it was hot or cold outside, only sunny! With the increasing levels of depression in our country, let’s get these kids outside. Now, let’s address the notion of play. I am referring to “free play.” Peter Gray, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology (emeritus) at Boston College defines free play as play a child undertakes him- or her-self and which is self-directed and an end in itself, rather than part of some organized activity. Free play helps a child develop their own interests and sense of self. It teaches them how to make friends, navigate social interactions and work together towards a common goal utilizing negotiation and compromise. It helps a child learn to regulate emotions, tolerate discomfort and build resiliency. It is also just plain fun! Depression and anxiety are on the rise and the rate of suicide among children and adolescents is alarming. Expectations related to school, performance either athletic or artistic, social interactions/social media and the idea that the world is a dangerous place are all stressors that impact the lives of our children and lead to depression and anxiety. Where does all or at least most of this come from? Parents. To be fair, it is coming from a place of love. As parents, we want to provide our children with the opportunities we never had, set them up at the best school, guide them toward the best possible future and make sure they are safe. But, perhaps as a society, we are overdoing it. Think of all the demands put on us as adults and how that can make us feel that there is not enough time in the day. It can be overwhelming. We are putting similar demands on our children who have less of a sense of self and lack the necessary emotional maturity to cope. We are winding them tighter and tighter. Yes, school is important. Providing opportunities for children to try athletic or artistic endeavors is important. Providing guidance and support around social interactions and especially the challenges of the internet and social media is crucial. And, safety should be every parent’s concern. However, the backyards, playgrounds and neighborhoods are generally as safe as they have always been in the past. Sadly, the same can’t be said for schools. We need to find a balance between the expectations and concerns we have as parents with a child’s need for play and the associated benefits. The children will benefit if we learn to manage our own anxiety, stop hovering and allow them and opportunity to explore, make their own mistakes, develop self-efficacy and feel a sense of their own power to succeed. It will help them become a well-adjusted teen, adult and maybe a little less of a worried parent in the future. And it might give mom and dad a chance to breathe. All of this brings me full circle to the opening paragraph of this article. You were all individuals with your own needs and interests before you became parents. That does not need to end nor should it because you now have children. When you explore your interests and practice appropriate self-care you are modeling a healthy way of life for your children. Children need to understand that they are part of a family not the sole focus of the family. This will help you maintain the family hierarchy with parents on top, allowing children to feel comfortable in their role and be more likely to follow rules and meet expectations. Healthy children need healthy parents. Take time for yourself to explore your interests and allow your child to do the same. Don’t think that a little less control over the details of your child’s day will make you a “bad parent.” On the contrary, you will be providing space for your child to grow.

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The Mom-and-Dad Guide to Leadership

People of all ages respond well to the right kind of feedback. As parents and executive coaches, we’ve noticed that certain key concepts of positive psychology are effective in both parenting and work settings. 1. Shine a light on what’s going right. As Margaret and her colleague Dana Arakawa found in their research, thanking people and recognizing their work is directly tied to better productivity. Managers who gave the most positive feedback also ran teams that were 42 percent more productive compared with the managers who gave the least positive feedback. And of course children respond well to your gratitude when they help with chores without being asked. We’ll fill you in on a little productivity secret: It’s more motivating to your team—and to your kids—to be recognized for things that they’re doing well. 2. Give process praise, not person praise. If Margaret could change one aspect of her parenting, it would be how she praised her daughters. She praised their good deeds by saying, “You’re so smart” or “You’re such a good girl,” thinking she was encouraging more of the same behavior. But research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., of Stanford University, and others, shows that such praise (called person praise) can demotivate people in the long term. Why? Because people may stop working on projects in which they can’t immediately see the payoff of being smart or fast or talented. What’s the solution? Process praise. With our kids, that means giving them specific praise about what they’ve done—something like: “Recording your favorite TV shows the last two nights so you could make flashcards for your test showed dedication, Joey! That extra time and effort really made a difference!” The same detailed feedback works in the office. We’re setting people up for future success by emphasizing that more effort pays off. 3. Change it into a habit. Wendy Wood, Ph.D., of the University of Southern California, is the foremost expert on habits. She finds two major benefits of habits: Emotionally, they remove stress from a task, and mentally, they free our minds to think about other things. The next time you’re looking to change behavior at work or at home, think of habits. When a client wanted to contribute more in group settings, we encouraged her to ask a question or say something within the first 15 minutes of a meeting.In each of our homes, to avoid distractions and foster deeper conversations, we created a family habit: The dinner table is a phone-free zone. We hope you, too, can practice crossover skills that help at home and at work!

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Find Time for Memory-Making Traditions

In today’s busy world, we sometimes push aside things that are important to us—like family time and traditions. Blogger, author and former teacher Jessica Smartt believes that making memories is the missing piece in today’s families. As the mother of three, she’s worked to build new traditions in her own family and make those moments more meaningful. Her book, Memory-Making Mom: Building Traditions That Breathe Life Into Your Home, looks at how even the busiest family can rethink their day-to-day activities and create memory-making traditions. She joined us on the Live Happy Now podcast to talk about why these traditions are so important and how we can start creating them in our own families. Live Happy Now: What made you want to write a book about traditions and creating memories? Jessica Smartt: I think for a long time I sort of felt angsty and guilty, that I wasn’t fun enough and our house was kind of lame. I didn’t quite know how to fix it and it just kind of dawned on me one day [while] talking to an older gentleman who is on the other side of parenting, how powerful traditions are. They’re like the missing link between what we care about and how to make it actually happen. Everybody has a tradition from their childhood that they remembered. They’re always different and you know, sometimes they’re the funniest things that stick out to people, but it’s really powerful for kids and for parents too. LHN: It falls on the mom typically, to uphold traditions and implement them, so I think when someone says, "I’m going to start doing traditions," they’re like shoot me now, I don’t need one more thing to do. Can you talk about why it’s important to create traditions? JS: Well, I’d be lying if I said that it was always easy because it’s not. What’s easy is to sit on your phone and scroll. But at the end of the day, no one lays their head on their pillow and thinks, "That was a great 20 minutes I spent scrolling Instagram. I’m so glad I did that." But you do say, and I know this from experience, "I’m glad I played that game of Candy Land for the 20th time” or "I’m glad I played catch with my son in the front yard." While it’s not easy, it’s so satisfying. Putting these things into action is a way of choosing the intentional life that really gives us satisfaction and peace. That’s step one. Step two is—I think I have kind of made it a little bit easy with my book—I always say if you’re starting out, pick a couple of things that matter to your family. With your kids, if they’re old enough, come up with a way to implement that. The amazing thing is kids really remember and so they will actually never forget and will remind you forever for the rest of your life if that helps. LHN: What does it do for us as a family when we intentionally set about making memories? JS: Childhood under our roof is so short and so quick. Number one is, you’re giving them things they need with these memories. It supports us, it bolsters us up, it gives us confidence, it gives us a sense of stability and it tells us who we are. It does so many things that we don’t even realize it. Even little silly ones, you know? Doughnuts every Saturday with dad. That’s doing something on a level that I think we don’t always give it enough credit and then part two is, it tells your family members that they matter. For parents who are so overworked and so busy, this is a way of saying I choose us and you matter. It’s amazing, it really works to say, “We’re all going to hop in the car right now and go to the zoo.” Their faces light up like and you can tell it’s like, “We’re doing this together, we matter. Mom and dad actually like us. They’re not just dragging us around because they have to.” LHN: It does change the way that they see the adult world because they’re used to seeing us work and come home and we’re tired and we’re on our phones, we’re on our laptops…so this can kind of changes the way we are seen by them. JS: Exactly. That’s powerful for me to think you know, talk about technology in a couple of years, my kids are going to have phones and they’re learning right now by watching me how to act with technology, you know? They’re seeing if I have hobbies outside. They’re seeing what I do at dinner. They’re seeing if I look people in the eye and you know, they learn much more from what we’re doing than what we’re saying and so this is a concrete way of saying, here’s what matters to us as a family. We’re important and making memories is important and here’s our values. I always fail, I’m not the perfect memory-making mom, but at least now I have the goal. I know what I’m shooting towards. LHN: Obviously it benefits kids greatly, but what has it done for you as the parent to implement traditions? JS: Well, a big part of it for me, as I said, was just making me feel more confident that I am doing this thing, certainly not perfectly, but a little closer in that direction. That’s a really good, powerful feeling that you kind of have, like you just said, your goal that you’re shooting towards. You know it’s been enjoyable. We’ve made some really fun memories and it is fun as a grown-up to do all this stuff that gives us life, like hiking mountains or going on vacation. LHN: You do a great job in this book of giving us ideas. How does someone start deciding what’s right for their family? JS: There are a ton of ideas in the back. And this summer I’m launching a free bullet journal where you can kind of jot down in different categories to what your particular goals are. I would say, just—in the book, you can actually skip around and pick the topic that really interests you. I would just pick one of those ideas. I like to think of it as maybe picking something daily if it fits. Something seasonal, something maybe weekly.…Even just picking two things a year to do is a great start because you get it under your belt, you feel good about it. You are excited. So, I would just say start very slowly but start.

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4 Ways to Keep Your Self-Esteem While Raising Teenagers

Teenagers can be rough on your self-esteem. While a younger child looks up to you, desires your company, is eager to please and aspires to be like you, an adolescent becomes more critical, more focused on friends, more argumentative, more passively resistant and strives to be distinct from you. Because of this, you might feel like you invest most of your time worrying about, arguing with, negotiating with and nagging your teen. And, you feel like your worthy efforts at parenting either go unnoticed or are not appreciated. So, how can you cope with this blow to your self-esteem? You must first take responsibility for managing it yourself. To do that, try these four suggestions to make it easier for you. Adjusting Expectations You shouldn’t take these changes personally; they are not about you. Instead, you might tell yourself, “I understand that as my teenager is changing, our relationship is changing. This means that close together times might seem harder to come by.” Asking for What You Need When you feel unacknowledged for your efforts, it’s important that you ask for what you need. For example, you might declare your expectation for common courtesy by saying, “When I do something for you, I would like a ‘thank-you’ just as I give when you do for me.” And when the relationship starts to feel distant or disaffected, you can express your feelings and suggest ways to reconnect by saying something like, “How about we go out to get something to eat or go to a movie or do something else together? I’ve been missing fun company with you.” Insisting on a Give-and-Take You should refuse to adopt a role where you do all the giving and the teenager does all the receiving, because this will naturally lead to resentment. Instead, you can simply say, “I expect to live in a two-way relationship with you. This means just as I do for you, I expect you also do for me. And sometimes you will need to do for me before I do for you.” Defining Yourself Broadly You should not allow your self-esteem to depend entirely on the opinion of your teenager and what she or he does or doesn’t do. Instead, you must define yourself broadly beyond only being a parent to an adolescent. You might remind yourself of other aspects of your life, such as your active social circles, hobbies that you enjoy or charities that you are involved with. And you should absolutely not judge yourself through your adolescent’s unappreciative or critical eyes. To keep up your self-esteem, you must evaluate yourself kindly by focusing on your various parenting “wins,” even if they seem small. To keep up your self-esteemwhile raising teenagers, it helps if you ask yourself,“What do I wish my adolescentwould say in recognition for all I do for her?”Then, you should commit to being your own best supporter and affirmatively answer thatquestion for yourself.

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Be a Consciously Irresponsible Parent

Stress, disorganization, frustration, and anger; are these part of your morning routine? Getting sleepy, uncooperative children out the door on time in the morning can try any parent’s patience, and it is especially difficult when both parents have to get out the door and off to work themselves. Have you ever muttered, “There’s got to be a better way?” Well, there is. Picture this: Your children wake up on their own, get dressed by themselves, take turns fixing breakfast (including yours) and get their lunches (which they fixed the night before) from the fridge. They then pick up their homework and gym clothes (from the place where they had them all laid out the night before) and give you a kiss as they leave for school with time to spare. Sound good? This could be your home—or very close to it. A win-win situation In Positive Discipline, we teach the importance of “winning children over” instead of “winning over children.” Winning over children invites rebellion or giving up. Winning children over invites cooperation. Winning your children over does not mean giving them what they want so that they like you and are more likely to do what you want them to do. Winning your child over means you created a desire for cooperation based on a feeling of mutual respect. One of the best ways to win children over is to do things with them instead of to or for them. Doing things with them means respectfully involving them in finding solutions that work for everyone such as chores charts and set routines. Not my job Another great way to help your children learn responsibility is for you to be “consciously irresponsible.” Parents sometimes spend endless energy and time being responsible for their children. They set their alarm clocks for them, shake them out of bed in the morning, issue incessant reminders to get dressed, eat breakfast, find their shoes, pack their backpacks, and grab their lunch, and still they find themselves driving children to school because they missed the bus. It’s a good system for the kids (at least on the surface). But children aren’t learning self- discipline and motivation and often become discouraged about their own competence, and parents are becoming cranky, frustrated, and resentful. Lead by Example To be consciously irresponsible, let children know what they are capable of doing on their own and take time for training. Then, don’t do it for them. Don’t set the alarm clock, don’t remind them to get dressed or eat. As they experience natural consequences, they may choose to be more responsible themselves. After an initial uncomfortable learning stage, they will likely start to enjoy their growing skills and confidence. This is a great way to acquaint them with their personal power in a positive way. Imagine how much more relaxed and contented we can be both in the home and in our professional lives when we let go of a bit of control and empower others.

relationships

4 Ways to Keep a Happy Relationship

Most of us are willing to put real effort into relationships that we value. But trying too hard can put the relationship at risk. This is especially true in the case of romantic relationships because the self-disclosure and vulnerability we feel when becoming close to another person may make us wary of those who make demands that we’re not sure we’re ready to meet. “Trying too hard” is related to attempting to control where a relationship goes. It’s generally seen in micromanaging behavior and almost always causes a “distancing” by the other partner, who becomes more ambivalent and ducks the controlling behavior. This, of course, exacerbates the issue by causing the “controlling” partner to lean even more into controlling (or “fixing”) the relationship, which only increases the anxiety and ambivalence of the other partner. The following tips are designed to help ensure that both parties remain comfortably on the same page in developing needed give-and-take in a relationship: Openly discuss the status of your relationship. Build in a habit of checking in with each other about what you think and feel about how your connection is proceeding. Frankly discuss feelings such as anxiety, insecurity and (perhaps most importantly) ambivalence. This may seem strange at first, but it is valuable for getting to know someone and vital for maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. Decide how and when you’ll have these talks and stay open to taking a timeout when the other person is feeling anxious and ambivalent. This not only promotes trust, but reduces the likelihood of triggering crises down the road related to unresolved feelings or issues. Cultivate a practice of mindfulness of how each partner is experiencing the relationship, so that neither party feels in danger of being either depleted or overwhelmed. Such a practice can be initiated by calling a timeout and sitting quietly with one another for short time, say three to five minutes. Follow this up with a period of alternating shares (also timed) in which each party talks about what it was like to sit quietly with each other without taking one another’s inventory. With practice, this builds a safe space for couples to practice the unconditional acceptance of where each person stands in the relationship. Give each other permission to speak up if one of you feels that the other is over-managing what’s going on between you. Indicators of over-management can be as subtle as one of you always deciding who does a household chore to something as significant as deciding when you’re going to have sex or how you’re going to spend your vacations. Remember to maintain focus on how one is experiencing the other’s “over-management.” For example, instead of an accusatory, “you never pay attention to what I want,” (which probably will elicit a retaliatory accusation) verbalize your own feelings only: “I feel as if my ideas about how we could spend our vacation don’t matter to you” or “it hurts my feelings when you push me away when I try to kiss you.” Sticking to verbalizing only your own feelings without blaming leaves open an avenue for jointly analyzing and finding solutions to problems. Don’t act as if “everything is fine” when it isn’t. Few behaviors have more “blow-up potential” than ignoring your own feelings to keep the peace. At the same time, avoid insisting on raising an issue in a time and place that’s likely to create more discomfort (as well as resistance and resentment) rather than relieve it. With practice, the three previous techniques will create an interpersonal environment in which virtually any issue can be processed in a calm, nonaccusatory way, and in almost any setting. Problems are then solved in real time, undercutting the danger of ignoring or stewing in our feelings. Each time you address a problem or potential problem in this way, you’ll have taken a giant step forward in building both connection and mutual trust. You may have noticed that safety is the cornerstone of everything we’ve said here. But feeling safe isn’t automatic: It’s built over time, and the four points above can keep the process on track. The unconditional hospitality you create, no matter what each of you is feeling, becomes the beginning, the way and the goal of making your relationship better.

relationships

Adopt a New Best Friend This Month

Having a dog as a friend can be a fun and meaningful way to add more happiness in life. According to the journal Scientific Reports, having a dog around can reduce our risk of cardiovascular disease by keeping us company in times of loneliness and nudging us to be more active. Jeff Franklin, one of the world’s leading dog trainers and subject of the new book Franklin: The Man Behind the United States Commando Dogs by Matthew Duffy, says dogs can be the “most nonjudgmental, loving and loyal creatures on the planet. We all want more of those qualities in our lives.” For dogs, being a member of a loving home keeps their tails wagging. Unfortunately, millions of good dogs are living in shelters waiting for that forever home. Jeff explains that many dogs end up in shelters because people underestimate the responsibility of being a dog owner. “Our shelters would become fairly empty if dog owners realized the amount of time it takes to work with a new dog to integrate them into their new ‘human’ type of life and requirements,” he says. “We have worked with shelters and their dogs for over 20 years and the number one reason for dogs being there is because they simply do not have the life skills they need to be the assets they are capable of being in our lives, such as house breaking, not pulling on the leash, not jumping, not barking, destructive chewing, etc.” Every October, the ASPCA celebrates Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, to raise awareness about the importance of adopting a shelter dog. If you are thinking about adding a new four-legged friend to your household, Jeff offers his tips for finding the right pet for you. What should we look for in a shelter dog? The best thing to do is to look for a dog that generally fits into your lifestyle. If you are picking a shelter dog because they are cute, or sad, or you feel sorry for them, it may not be the correct fit. If you’re busy and social, pick a dog that likes that as well. If you’re more of a homebody that prefers to stay indoors, then pick the hangout kind of dog. There are many personalities of great dogs that need homes of all types. What are the benefits of caring for/adopting a senior dog? I believe this is a great unselfish act to do. Sure, we all go to shelters and run straight for the adorable puppies, because baby animals leave an impression on us. For me, I have given a home to several senior dogs and the experience was incredibly rewarding on multiple levels. Of course, the down side is that they were only with me a few years, but having the pleasure to give them a great home environment for their last years was priceless…not to mention so much easier than a feisty puppy. What is a training tip you can share with us? Teach your dogs to behave, have good manners and life skills. Commands (sit, down, stay) are good, but overrated compared to just having a well-behaved canine friend. Dogs that behave well usually spend a substantial amount more time with their owners on a regular basis—not to mention the fact that these dogs do not usually end up in shelters. Make your dog an asset by great training at the beginning of your relationship together and you will always have a faithful companion to care for and spend time with. Where did your ability to communicate with dogs come from? It sounds cliché, but it is just a natural gift. I can teach people how to work with animals, but truly reading and communicating is a naturally given trait that can be enhanced with experience. I’ve been lucky to spend most of my life working with dogs and this has given me invaluable insight into how they think and behave. What’s most satisfying to you about your work with dogs? I am most satisfied when I work with a canine family or K9 team and the results are a happy dog and happy handlers that perform well at whatever their desired task is—whether it be a family pet, a service dog or a working dog.

Workplace

Dare to Be Different This Labor Day

When I was a kid, Labor Day meant the end of the summer. My father was a foreman in a ball-bearing factory. He was never home on a Monday, except for this one. We’d visit our grandparents, have a family picnic and then get home early to lay out our first-day-of-school outfits. The meaning of Labor Day was lost on me. When I became a working adult, Labor Day simply meant a much-needed day off. Back then you had to work a full year before you earned any vacation days. Yet, Labor Day was founded more than 120 years ago with a specific purpose. According to the Department of Labor, the holiday on the first Monday of September was “a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity and well-being of our country.” Unfortunately, Labor Day has transformed into just another shopping holiday. How could something that was so hard-fought turn into something so meaningless? What if this Labor Day you truly unplugged? Why We Don’t Unplug and Why We Need To For many workers around the globe, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. has been replaced with 24/7. From coaching hundreds of business leaders, my co-author, Senia Maymin, Ph.D., and I have found four common reasons why people don’t unplug, even when they have a day off: Feeling anxious about stepping away from work Believing working more will make them more productive Unrealistic workplace expectations Striving to be a perfectionist But, like a muscle, our brains need rest to perform optimally. Don’t Recuperate—Instead Rejuvenate and Reprioritize My coaching clients often tell me that when they do take a day off they need to recuperate, as though work is like an illness or surgery. When we lose interest in people and the things that once brought us joy and happiness, it is our wake-up call that we need to reprioritize, not recuperate. This Labor Day, I challenge you to stay out of the stores and totally unplug. Take a mental health day to honor the American worker instead and reflect upon what’s important to you. What does Labor Day mean to you and how will you spend it? Five Simple Ways to Unplug Cultivate one or more of these healthy mobile phone habits and notice what happens to your overall happiness: Put away your phone for at least one hour every day. Put your phone on sleep mode to trick yourself into thinking your phone is dead. Turn off all social media, text and email alerts. Never, ever put your phone on a table or desktop when having a conversation. Never open an email on your phone (even though you may be tempted to do so) if you know you can’t possibly respond to it in the moment. Curiosity killed the cat.

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Dare to Be Different This Labor Day

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