Relationships | Live Happy

Building a Lasting Partnership

Choosing a Life Partner Have the same philosophical/moral sensibilities—The way you look at life, how you raise your children, common goals, etc., are the foundation. You can be different ages, ethnicities and backgrounds but the sensibilities must be in common. Like building a house, it’s the foundation that anchors the house and weathers the heat and the rain.The art, furniture and design are all wonderful, but those are perpetually changing factors; it’s the foundation that’s sustains. Choose your best friend. This cannot be overemphasized. Chemistry is wonderful, and should be the initiating factor, but it’s the person you want to stay on the phone with all night that you want long-term. Pick someone who has the same issue as you, and the conversation sounds like this: “We’re going to run out of money,” one says. “I know we’re going to starve,” the other replies. Try to pick someone who doesn’t have the same issue as you, so the conversation sounds like this: “We’re going to run out of money,” one says. “We’re going to be OK; we’ll figure it out.” Understand that it always helps to speak to the person’s commitment, not behavior. If you interact or argue or try to change someone’s behavior, you will just get more of what you don’t want. If you interact and speak to their commitment, which are the vows that one said on the wedding day, the behavior will change. Building a Lasting Partnership Know that marrying is for evolution. Yours and theirs. More often than not people go into marriage for all the wrong reasons—to be happy. To be successful. To solve some sort of issue. That’s like going to a Motel 6 and expecting the Four Seasons. If you commit to evolution, you will be happy. Consider that usually there is one person in a relationship who has the ability to relinquish a point of view faster than the other. That person should be the designated person to do so more often than not. You always want to opt for affinity over winning an argument. Winning the argument just means you are building up more resentment. Be respectful of your partner’s time, availability and other abilities. Don’t take it for granted or abuse it just because you’re together. Breck Costinhas more than 30 years of experience as a personal consultant and life coach. As the founderof the Absolute Freedom seminars, he has helped thousands of people change the way they live their livesby breaking free from unwanted patterns of behavior. His compassionate yet direct style allows people todismantle their illusions of self so they truly can see what is (and isn’t) possible. “Your fantasies must die,” hesays, “for your dreams to come true.”

relationships

What My Dog Taught Me About Joy

For most of my life, I have been a cat person. I have lived with little house-tigers that sharpened their claws on my couches, played midnight hockey with my hair ornaments and dragged my dirty laundry from the hamper to my pillow. I have even endured the terrifying stare of a cat that sees she's getting a second night of "Seafood Surprise" canned food for dinner. But then I married a man who was allergic to cats, and when my last beloved kitty, a dowager named Lady Macho, passed on, my husband suggested we get a dog. A dog! What a concept. I figured we'd think about it for a year or three. And then a friend told us about Jordie, a golden retriever puppy who needed a home. He'd been bred to be a show dog, she said, but when he was 6 months old, a routine X-ray revealed that he had a bit of hip dysplasia—and just like that, his show career was over and he needed a family. We had him for 13 years, five months, three weeks and then part of one day. And in that time, he showed me a lot about life. Whereas my feline companions had taught me about aloofness and how to be cool (qualities I admired but never could master), Jordie taught me The Six Major Laws of Dog Happiness, which work equally well for humans. 1. Live in the moment.Whether he was basking in the sun, letting his ears blow in the breeze or rolling in a mud puddle, Jordie was always giving himself a good time. Go for a car ride? A hike in the woods? Take a nap in the shade? Everything was the best idea ever and so exciting it was as though it had never happened before. He never felt guilty about it, never thought, Hmmm, I really should be doing my taxes. He just took the joy and thanked whatever the god of dogs brought his way. After watching him awhile, I finally realized that if I didn't try to interpret, explain and manage everything, if I stopped apologizing for not being productive every minute of life, I could sometimes almost approach that kinds of happiness myself, the happiness of just being. 2. Going a bit insane is wonderful.I used to pride myself on staying rational, stable and calm. Dogs don't buy any of that. At least once a day Jordie took off on what we called a "puppy blowout," when he would suddenly sit up at full alert, as if hearing a distant call from his wolf relatives or his home planet, and then erupt in a full-tilt charge through the house, running in circles through the dining room, kitchen and living room, dashing down the hall and through the bedrooms, leaping up on the beds and down again, then careening up and down the stairs. His ears flew behind him; his eyes were wild—a portrait of pure joy and sheer insanity. Did he care that he looked ridiculous, that we were definitely laughing at him and not with him? Did he fear losing control? Not once. I've learned to do some puppy blowouts myself, singing at the top of my lungs, dancing like I'm at a disco at closing time or simply getting up from my desk to run and scream for a bit. It's wonderful. 3. Just showing up is enough.This is probably one of the great laws of dog happiness and one of the reasons we love them. Dogs don't solve our problems and never offer one piece of advice. All they do is sit with us when we're emotional basket cases, and that's enough. One day when Jordie and I were out walking, we stopped to talk to a woman we didn't know. Usually Jordie, who was shy, stayed close to me, but this time, he went over and stood next to the woman, nudging her hand and then licking it. I apologized for his forwardness. "Oh, that's OK," she said, matter-of-factly. "I was just diagnosed with cancer last week, and dogs know how to be with people who are sick." Sure enough, I started to notice that whenever one of us wasn't feeling well, Jordie was right there next to our beds, just being present—a St. Bernard without the brandy. 4. Feel guilty... and move on.Dogs are masters of the quick guilt trip. They are so very sorry they ate all the appetizers, unrolled the toilet paper and soiled the floor. They are the picture of contrition—lowering their heads and tails, shuffling around, even whimpering about how horrified they are at their scandalous behavior. And then—presto! It's over! They're happy again, back to feeling completely unashamed and quite certain that you've forgiven them, too. It's not that dogs don't know trouble; it's just that they know something we forgot: Staying in trouble mode is boring, destructive and doesn't do anybody any good. Go for a puppy blowout or take a nap. Even just wagging your tail can make you feel better. 5. You can't always be perfect.I have an ex-husband who, every year at Christmas, wanted our children to mail him a white clam pizza from a certain famous pizza restaurant in our city. The children didn't drive, and the pizza place was too snobby to accept phone orders, so this meant that I had to spend an evening standing in a two-hour line (often in the rain or snow), order the pizza, wait for it to be made, then bring it home, pack it into plastic bags and then into a box, and overnight-mail it to him thousands of miles away—yearafter year. Once, after we'd bought the required pizza, before we could pack it up,Jordiecame running into my bedroom with that "Timmy's-in-the-well" look that all watchers of Lassie remember. We followed him to the living room, where it turned out there were slices of pizza strewn everywhere. Some had dog-sized teeth marks in them. Others were simply missing altogether.Jordiedashed around in circles, seemingly distraught at what he had done, before he forgave himself and went to lie down and digest his pizza dinner. It didn't take me long to figure out what to do. I threw away the obviously "used" slices and dusted off the onces that were resting on the couch and on the rug. And then, yes, I packed them up in plastic bags and sent them off the next morning in the mail. Oddly enough, I didn't even feel bad about it. Or if I did, likeJordie, I got over it quickly. And the bonus: I was never asked for another clam pizza. 6. Learn to let go.Make no mistake: Dogs love their possessions just the way humans do. Jordie often had a special stuffed animal friend, a treasure he guarded and protected like his own dear child. When he was in the throes of these relationships, he wouldn't even go for walks without his "lovey" coming along. And then, months later, for no reason I could discern, the relationships would simply be over. He would awaken one day, take a look at his beloved and heave a sigh that spoke volumes: Regret was in there, and sadness, but also a kind of acceptance of a difficult fact. It was time to say goodbye. Perhaps this was a mutual parting of the ways that they both acknowledge at some dog-to-polyester level. He would carry the stuffed animal outside and place it behind our shed, never to be visited again. And that was it. When he came back into the house, he was done, free from his responsibilities. It clearly hadn't been easy, but it was over. If it's not easy to say goodbye to a stuffed animal, it must be even heard to say goodbye to life. But that day came, too. At the end, he had a series of strokes that at first made it difficult for him to walk straight and then made it impossible for him to walk at all. We couldn't bear to give him up, yet we knew we had to. But how do you decide when? We spoke of almost nothing else for weeks. The vet said that when Jordie was no longer taking pleasure in life, that might be the time to have him put down. Finally I made the appointment, the last one of the evening. Jordie and I spent the afternoon together, and I sat with him while he dozed on the floor. I offered him all the forbidden treats he loved: chocolate candies and bites of ice cream. He obligingly took a few nibbles, but I sensed he was only doing this for me. The truth was that he was ready. He put his head next to my hand, the way he'd done with the lady who had cancer. Then he sighed, the way he had when he was about to say goodbye to a stuffed animal. I knew it was me he was comforting, not himself. He was ready to slip away, to ride that moment right out there—without fear, without panic, without regret. I recognized the same wordless happiness he'd always known. He licked my hand, took one more deep breath, and then he was quiet. We sattogether until it was time to go. Sandi Kahn Shelton is the author of three humor books about parenting and four novels, including The Stuff That Never Happened, which she wrote under the pen name of Maddie Dawson. She's at work on a fifth novel and is thinking about getting another dog. She lives in Connecticut.

Family lying on floor with their heads touching

relationships

8 Ways to Raise Happy Kids

If there is one thing on which all parents can agree it is—they want their kids to be happy. While you cannot control the happiness of your kids, you can increase your chances of raising happy children by creating a loving, positive and safe environment at home. With that in mind, we have rounded up 8 tips to consider.Be a happy parent. If you ignore your own happiness, you could be teaching your child that personal happiness doesn’t matter. You cannot raise kids to value their happiness if you don’t value your own. Gretchen Rubin, author of Happier at Home,says, “If I want a household with an affectionate, encouraging and playful atmosphere, that’s the spirit I must bring with me.”Feel your feelings. Having a joyful life doesn’t mean being happy 100 percent of the time, says Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. She encourages kids and parents alike to lean into their feelings even if they are negative. “I’m not really one for rumination. Meaning: I make an effort to feel my feelings, often deeply, and then, if the feelings are negative, I move on,” she says. Carter encourages her kids to acknowledge negative feelings and move on quickly to learn resilience.Play games. Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy Families suggests families create fun by playing games, inventing goofy traditions and singing a favorite song that make eyes roll. Every Friday night in his family everyone goes around the table and names one good and one bad thing about their day. “By watching others, including mom and dad, navigate ups and downs in real time, children develop empathy and solidarity with those around them,” Feiler says.Demonstrate empathy. Whether it’s charitable works, giving back or volunteering, doing good works with your kids teaches them that making other people happy can make them happy too. Being helpful to others can also lead to meaningful conversations about empathy.Lighten up. Research done at the Economic and Social Research Councils’ Festival of Social Science indicates that joking, laughing and pretend playtime with toddlers helps prepare them for their social life by learning creativity and having fun.Show self-compassion. Be kind to yourself so your kids learn self-compassion, according toPsychology Today. When you are always beating yourself up or self-critical, you are inadvertently teaching your kids that they should be able to control things that they cannot—such as the reactions of others or losing a team sport. Show your kids how to keep perspective and treat themselves kindly.Create a family mission statement. Write your family mission statement with your kids, incorporating their ideas and displaying it to show your strong family narrative. Or come up with your own parenting manifesto—your promises to your kids—and display it where your kids can see it, says Brene Brown, researcher and author of Daring Greatly.Encourage your child to keep a journal. Have your kids start a gratitude or observation journal, recording a favorite part of the day, the best memory, a new experience or discovery. You will be teaching your child gratitude and how to absorb the joy in small moments.As you teach your kids the skills they need to be happier, you also will be teaching them about resilience, and bonus, you will become happier too.Sandra Bienkowski, owner of The Media Concierge, LLC, is a national writer of wellness and personal development content and a social media expert.

Two women smiling during a work meeting.

Workplace

The Five Mistakes We Make in Work Relationships

What's the one thing that can make or break a company?Hint: It's not technology, capital or marketing prowess.It's relationships.That's what Gay and Kathlyn "Katie" Hendricks, husband-and-wife founders of the California-based Hendricks Institute, believe after studying personal and business relationships for three-plus decades. In their research and consulting work, they've watched creativity and productivity blossom once people relate to each other in healthy ways.Katie Hendricks says workplace issues are almost always about relationships. "There's some sort of issue keeping people from collaborating or meeting a deadline or making a product," she says. Backstabbing co-workers, meddling supervisors, impossible-to-please executives and down-in-the-dumps naysayers are more than just workplace nuisances—they hinder the whole organization.At the root of this damaging behavior is lack of integrity in interactions, Gay and Katie Hendricks assert. So the couple developed their own definition of "operational integrity," with these four pillars as guidelines for positive behavior. (Read more explanation in How to Improve Office Relations Todayon Success.com.)Emotional literacy:Understand your feelings and the source of those feelings. Work through those emotions so they don't sully your interoffice relationships.Impeccable agreements:Keep agreements you make; don't make agreement you can't keep; know when agreements need to be altered.Authentic speaking and resonant listening:Speak truthfully and openly. Listen with empathy.Healthy responsibility:Learn to take full responsibility for your work. Promote and inspire responsibility in others.These principles are the backbone of the institute's relationship coaching. Adhere to them through awareness, evaluation and practice as advised on the next four pages, and the result will be a more positive, productive and creative company, the Hendrickses say. Shatter the principles, and you end up making the five most common mistakes the couple see in the workplace. (Spoiler alert: You may see yourself as a workplace morale-sucker in some of these mistake scenarios. Don't worry; none of us is perfect—and we'll tell you how to change.)Mistake No. 1: Reacting Defensively or Engaging in Other Damaging CommunicationEvery life experience and interaction is a learning opportunity, and the Hendricks Openness-to-Learning Scale measures how much we take advantage of an opportunity—how we talk to other people and how we react when they speak to us. Do we get defensive? Are we willing to hear other people's feedback? Do we rush to judge our colleagues' suggestions, or do we actuallylisten to what they have to say? Are we open to learning from our interactions?"One type of communication takes you to positive resolution. Another takes you toward dissolution," Gay Hendricks says. "People need to know at any given moment if they are communicating in a way that takes them to a positive resolution or if they are leading in a way that makes things fall apart." The Openness-to-Learning Scale ranks what's being said from +10 (high openness to learning) to -10 (low openness to learning).Here's how it works: Let's say you're in a meeting. You earn a +5 if you are listening carefully and able to paraphrase another's words without interjecting your point of view. You'll score a whopping +10 if you start implementing the ideas voiced in the meeting. It's a -5 if you are silent, become edgy or show frustration. You're a relationship-killer if you earn a -10 for creating an uproar or departing abruptly.You don't have to agree with the presenter to earn high marks. You don't even have to like the presenter. What you have to learn to do to keep a coveted high score is to express your reservations or ask your questions in a respectful, non-confrontational way. In other words, it's not what you say but how you say it. Don't mutter, "That's never going to work." Do offer, "You have some interesting ideas, but have you thought about possible complications like..."Clients love the scale, the Hendrickses say. Hold up the chart during the meeting, and you can literally track where your and your colleagues' comments fall. Even better, you can consider where your next statement might land before you say it."It allows people to make a quantifiable shift," Katie Hendricks says. "It gives them very specific things to do." So before you utter something like, "That's never going to work" (-7 on the scale), shift your language to, "I can see how you came to that conclusion based on the data you have" (+4).Ahhh. Those relations are already warming, yielding an atmosphere where people can speak their minds (remember integrity), share ideas and let the creativity erupt.Mistake No. 2: Overusing Analysis and UnderutilizingBody WisdomOur bodies have a lot to do with how we interact with other people. "Often when things aren't going well, it has more to do with what's going on with people's bodies rather than what's going on with people's minds," Gay Hendricks says. And Katie interjects: "When people get this, it's really revolutionary."Think about it: Is there a nagging fear pricking your gut? A sadness pressing on your chest? If your body isn't healthy, your relationships probably aren't, either.Katie remembers an executive who was sitting in a stalemated strategy session. The executive noticed that everyone seemed to be holding his or her breath. "She let herself come into an easy, relaxed breathing.... She did that for about five minutes, and they moved through the impasse and were able to resolve it," Katie says.Gay remembers a similar situation. A top-ranking official at a major computer company had an anger-management issue. After spending about 10 minutes alone with the client, Gay noticed he wasn't breathing easily, and pointed it out, remarking, "I wonder if deep underneath, there is some sadness or disappointment?" Stunned by the revelation, the client realized that was exactly what was going on. He worked through those issues and starting interacting with employees in new, calmer and more respectful ways.So be in tune with your body. Then be aware of others' body language, because it could reveal a strain in relations. Is your business partner voicing agreement but frowning with unease? Remark on that: Tell her you noticed her expression and ask whether something is troubling her. Doing so may draw out that concern, allowing you both to act with integrity because you are communicating truthfully with each other. Whatever tension may have existing can dissolve rather than solidify.Mistake No. 3: Getting Stuck in the Victim/Villain/Hero TriangleDraw a triangle. Label the points "victim," "villain" and "hero." Most people have played one or more of these parts during their careers, but none of them belongs in the workplace. "All problematic human interaction and drama appears on this triangle," Gay Hendricks says.The victim feigns cluelessness and whimpers "you did this to me." The villain hollers, bullies and blames. The hero rushes in to save the day, cleaning up the relationship messes left by the other two—but in doing so, he allows others to shirk their responsibilities. "People are just running around from one role to another without ever getting away from it," Katie Hendricks says. "A shift in that will really enable relationships and the organization to move forward."So how do you remove yourself and your colleagues from the triangle?First, be aware of the roles. Then thing about the lessons you've learned form the previous relationship mistakes. Where does your language fall on the Openness-to-Learning Scale? What is your body language saying? What is your emotional state, and is it interfering with your interactions? Is some old wound turning you into a victim? Is some insecurity making you a villain?Breaking the triangle requires some soul-searching—a task sometimes challenging for the stoic executive."Start by thinking of your emotions as friends. Your feelings have evolved over thousands of years to bring you useful information. For example, if you feel sadness, it's a signal that you've experienced loss of some kind. Anger brings you a message that you perceive some unfairness in a situation you're in; fear lest you know you feel threatened in some way. If you can begin to think of your feelings as friends, rather than enemies to control, it will make a huge difference in creating workplace harmony," Katie says.Starting can be as easy as breathing. Learn to take slow, controlled breaths—five counts in, five counts out—to lessen anxiety.Journaling can also be helpful. The Hendrickses recommend writing without self-editing as a way of expressing those "unruly" emotions. They also suggest listening to classical music as a way of calming the mind and increasing the flow of creativity and problem-solving.If you and your colleagues commit to emotional intelligence goals, maybe your company can write itself a new triangle, one in which employees' roles move their businesses forward through positive relationships and mutual goals.Mistake No. 4: Concealing Things That Don't Need to Be ConcealedKeeping secrets from each other drives a wedge into relationships. "Holding things close to the chest used to be strategic," Katie Hendricks says, but today's emphasis on transparency has superseded the old corporate secrecy. Companies reveal more and more information to employees—from financial information to news about what's going on in all levels of the organization.Doing so helps employees embrace company missions and avoids what Gay calls "niggles," nagging concerns or reservations that keep people from buying in. "The more information they have, the more it helps them overcome niggles and engage their passion," he says.Enacting open communication is not as simple as sending out memos and updates. The real communication mistakes happen when we conceal emotions and concerns. That practice creates rifts in relationships and sabotages productivity.This relates to integrity, too: speaking openly and honestly even when you don't think your colleague really wants to hear what you have to say. So why do people hold back? In training sessions, they give the Hendrickses all sorts of reasons why they conceal their thoughts. Maybe some sound familiar:I don't want to hurt your feelings.I feel dumb (or embarrassed) telling you.If I tell you, it'll create a whole new problem.I'm afraid you'll get mad.I should be able to handle this myself."When people are not being authentic with each other, you have to fight your way through the layers of inauthenticity to get to the real issue," Gay says.Sometimes the layer is a personal matter than influences workplace performance and behavior. No one is suggesting that employees reveal every detail of their personal lives, but simply letting co-workers know you're frazzled because a newborn kept you up all night, for example, lets colleagues know that a short temper or attention span does not stem from a job-related matter.Or when someone is troubled by a workplace matter, concealment can lead to havoc in company operations. Imagine the complications that can arise when someone doesn't speak out about a concern early and it becomes a major issue. Or when nagging fears prevent people from fully engaging in a project. Will those folks really take 100 percent responsibility?Top executives need to create a culture of openness. "The higher up you are in a company, the more it is incumbent on you to be open," Gay says. Of course, in many companies, the higher up you are, the more practiced you are at staying tight-lipped.If you have trouble opening up, Gay suggest first learning how to listen. "A lot of bosses are listening to criticize. They are coming at whatever communication comes their way with the intent of rebutting it," he says.Ninety-nine percent of statements, however, don't need such rebukes. Once managers and executives create an environment of openness for their subordinates, the more these high-ranking employees will be likely to transition from concealment to openness themselves. Imagine the workplace culture that managers and executives can build if they honestly express their fears, doubts, concerns and disappointments with staff members (in a way that doesn't blame them for those doubts and disappointments, of course)."Allowing people to see you be open and vulnerable increases the integrity and it makes the organization stronger," Katie says. It make you a real human being instead of a corporate figurehead—and you're on your way to building superb business relationships.Mistake No. 5: Taking More Than 100 Percent ResponsibilityLet's examine that hero role more carefully because the "model employee" usually isn't considered to be a problem. But that person may be muddying business relations in ways he or she may never have considered.We all know (or have been) the office hero: the one who stays late to ensure the group project gets done, the one who takes on way more than the rest of the team, the one who cleans up a co-worker's mess. "If you do that over and over, it's very easy to become a martyr. And martyrs usually have an unhappy ending," Gay Hendricks says.So before you rush to bail out anyone or everyone, consider: What's your share of responsibility? "It's important for an executive to create an atmosphere where everyone takes 100 percent responsibility," he says. If one team member takes 80 percent responsibility for his work, then someone else is taking 120 percent—his 100 percent share plus the 20 percent carryover from his slacker colleague. This dynamic is bound to lead to conflict.The responsibility mistake plays out in many ways. Katie Hendricks remembers a time earlier in The Hendricks Institute's operations in which her employees would perform well until she walked into the room. "Everyone started acting really stupid," she recalls. Katie eventually realized that she was the problem. She had a habit of grabbing the reins and taking control. Sure, she was the boss, but she wasn't allowing her team members to take their share of responsibility and work to their potential.Take off your cape. Do your share of work to your best ability and let everyone else do the same.The Hendricks Openness-to-Learning ScaleThese actions reflect low openness to learning:-1 Showing polite interest outwardly while inwardly clinging to your point of view and/or rehearsing rebuttal-2 Explaining how the person has misperceived the situation-3 Interpreting what the person is saying as an attack-4 Justifying why you're the way you are or acted the way you did-5 Going silent, getting edgy, snappy or frustrated-6 Finding fault with the way the message is delivered-7 Righteous indignation; demanding evidence in a hostile manner-8 Blaming someone or something else-9 Attacking or threatening the messenger, verbally or otherwise-10 Creating an uproar or making an abrupt departure

Silhouette of a couple on the beach at sunset

relationships

Love Language

You've heard the bad news: Almost 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce.But there is good news. Success in marriage, as in the rest of life, has little to do with statistics about what’s going on out there and everything to do with what’s going on in your life and in your home. The reality is it doesn’t matter what the polls report. The determining factors in your marital success are personal.“Even though divorce is prevalent in our culture today, we don’t want to just walk out,” says relationship expert Gary Chapman. “There is a deep, deep bonding unique to the marriage relationship—a physical and emotional bond. And because of that, we want to make it work despite our differences.”In Hope of Happily Ever AfterEvery year, almost 4 million people pledge to love, honor and cherish each other in ceremonies across the United States. “Almost all of these couples anticipate ‘living happily ever after,’ ” Chapman writes in his latest book,Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married.“No one gets married hoping to be miserable or to make their spouse miserable. … People do not get married planning to divorce.”Chapman believes divorce is often the effect of poor planning and lack of understanding about what marriage means. Individuals plan for their careers, families, finances and vacations, but rarely do they have a plan for marriage. Perhaps that’s because they wander into this life-altering arrangement while intoxicated by the effects of what Chapman calls “euphoric love.” You know the feeling: Your stomach does a flip of excitement every time you see your true love, your heart beats wildly when you hold hands, you feel an electric jolt when you kiss. It’s often while in this he/ she-can-do-no-wrong phase that people pledge undying love to one another. The trouble is that the effects of euphoric love are temporary.“The euphoric experience we typically callfalling in lovehas an average lifespan of two years,” Chapman says. When the feeling of euphoria wears off, you suddenly have a little more clarity about the person with whom you’ve committed to spending your life. “Before, you saw them as a perfect person. Now you see them as a real person, a human with strengths and weakness. Most couples are not prepared for that,” he says.First things first. If you’re not yet married, come to grips with the fact that the euphoria won’t last forever…and that’s OK. Enjoy it while it lasts, but realize that something better could be around the corner—if you plan for it. Having spent the past 35 years counseling couples who were blindsided by the realities of housework, conflicting work schedules, debt, parenting and in-laws, Chapman says, “It is my conviction that many of these struggles could have been avoided had the couple taken the time to prepare more thoroughly for marriage.”How, exactly, does one prepare for marriage? It sounds like a no-brainer, but the place to start is in getting to know the other person. Find out what your sweetheart thinks about politics, debt, religion and faith, charitable giving, whether they want children or pets or pizza every Wednesday night for the rest of their lives. What was their childhood like? What does success mean to them? Do they like sports, movies, going out with friends, or staying in and enjoying a quiet evening at home? Talk about your likes and dislikes. Share your thoughts about how the details of housework, financial planning, child-rearing and caring for elderly parents should be handled. And, by the way, if you’re already married and you don’t know the answer to any of the previous questions, there’s no time like the present to learn about your mate. Creating a plan for life together will put you on the right track.What to Do When the Buzz Wears OffMaybe you’re already married and that feeling of euphoria is long gone. You’re in the thick of real life—bills, busy schedules and babysitters. It’s at this point that “for better or for worse” takes on new meaning. Under the effects of the love drug, “for worse” seemed impossible. You might have even ignored admonitions from others who advised you to plan if you want a great marriage. Like a teenager, you felt invincible.We’re in love; what could go wrong?you thought. As it turns out, plenty.But the maladies of marriage aren’t always rooted in major disasters such as terminal illness or bankruptcy. Real life creeps in, and suddenly you and your spouse are bickering about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. “Couples find themselves arguing because they do not have a plan to deal with things like that,” Chapman says. The day-to-day pressures of life combined with the fear caused by losing that loving feeling stress couples out. “They say, ‘Oh no! I don’t feel what I used to feel.’ ”Additionally, there’s a tendency to get busy and distracted. “I think often couples who have been married for a number of years, who have children and have careers, begin to realize they’ve drifted apart,” Chapman says. “When you neglect a marriage, you begin drifting, and you never drift together. You always drift apart. If you don’t make an effort to reconnect, you’ll drift further and further apart.” But that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. On the contrary, Chapman says once you get past the tingles of early love, it’s possible to create a stronger, happier marriage: “If you learn to speak each other’s love language, you can keep the emotional connection alive. And that is far deeper than those temporary, euphoric feelings.”Even better, it’s never too late to rekindle that connection. Chapman says he has worked with a number of couples who finally learned to speak one another’s love language after 20 or 30 years of marriage: “Many couples have told me they realized their marriages weren’t super warm, but they didn’t fight either. They’d say, ‘We were like roommates. But when we started speaking each other’s love languages, it changed our marriage.’ Regardless of your stage of marriage, understanding your spouse’s love language has the potential of greatly enhancing the relationship.”Now You’re Speaking My LanguageIn his best-selling bookThe 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,Chapman defines love languages as the “five ways people speak and understand emotional love.” Take a look at the abbreviated definitions, and see if you can identify your love language.Words of Affirmation: Words matter. This person treasures hearing, “I love you.” Honest compliments and praise mean a great deal, and insults or harsh words are taken to heart.Quality Time: This person wants your undivided attention. The gift of your time is worth more than any material present you could give.Receiving Gifts:From trinkets and flowers to diamond rings and season tickets, this person feels loved when you present them with a token of your affection.Acts of Service:Doing household chores or helping out in the home office is, to this person, the equivalent of saying, “I adore you.”Physical Touch:A gentle hand on the shoulder, a peck on the cheek, a warm embrace or simply sitting beside this person makes them feel loved.Understanding your spouse’s love language is the first step to connecting. “Seldom do a husband and wife speak the same love language,” Chapman says. “We naturally speak our own love language. But if your love language is different from your spouse’s love language, you’re missing them. You may be sincere, but you’re not really touching their heart.”Once you understand your mate’s love language, start using it. But be warned, you may have some difficulty at first. “If you grew up in a home where affirming words were seldom spoken, it may be hard to speak words of affirmation,” Chapman says. The same principle applies to the language of physical touch if you grew up without a lot of hugs and hand-holding or to the language of receiving gifts if you’re especially frugal. Chapman’s advice: Take baby steps.For example, if your mate’s love language is words of affirmation, start by looking for a few phrases in a magazine or book; listen for kind words spoken by other people. When you’re alone, stand in front of a mirror and say those phrases aloud. “Then you can pick one of the phrases and say it to your spouse when they’re not looking at you … then you can run!” Chapman says with a chuckle.If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, but you’re not a touchy-feely person, start small. If you need to, write down a few potential touches: a hand on the shoulder, a pat on the back, reaching over and putting your hand on their leg while driving. “Pick out one that seems easier for you and do it,” Chapman says. “Over time, you can learn how to touch, even if you didn’t grow up receiving a lot of touch.”The more you practice any of the languages, the more natural they will feel for you. “The good thing is that it’s extremely rewarding, and any of these languages can be learned.”Ideally, both partners will make an effort to speak the other’s love language. But that may not always be the case, such as in times of stress or emotional rifts. Still, it’s important to speak your spouse’s love language even if the favor isn’t returned at the time.“Love is the choice to reach out to the other person no matter how they reciprocate. You may even want to ask your spouse, ‘On a scale of one to 10, how much love do you feel from me?’ Then ask, ‘What can I do to make it a 10?’ Before long they may ask you the same question,” Chapman says. “Love is a way of life. Love is a part of who you are so that when a person encounters you, they’re going to feel love. The reality is many times people may reciprocate, but that is not the objective. The objective is to enhance others’ lives.” Make that your objective with your spouse, and you might just find that you arehappily ever after.

Smiling man giving a woman a piggyback ride on a beach

relationships

Play Nice, Fight Fair

By the time I married, I’d already been an entrepreneur for several years, but I did bring my spouse into the business… or tried to, anyway. The experiment was short-lived, something that would not surprise David and Jamillah Lamb, business partners, spouses and co-authors ofPerfect Combination: Seven Key Ingredients to Happily Living & Loving Together.Also founders of Between the Lines Productions Inc., a New York theater company, the Lambs have been working together for 10 years, and they’ve learned a lot along the way. “We wrote the book in response to our audiences,” Jamillah says. “People were always surprised to hear we worked together 24-7.” Of course, she will be the first to say that she believesallcouples work together, whether they’re in the same office or not. Managing a household, kids—not to mention the relationship itself—is work.So how does this happily married couple keep the peace on the stage, behind the scenes and at home? They follow the motto “Love like kids; act like adults.” That means combining the joy of being spontaneous, playing together and exploring with taking responsibility for one’s actions. “Don’t say, ‘We never go anywhere,’ ” Jamillah advises. “Take responsibility for going somewhere!”Jamillah says a lot of couples see working together as doubling the opportunity for conflict in a relationship, and that can be true. But she says, “It also doubles the opportunities for growth.”How to Love Like Lambs (David and Jamillah Lamb, That Is)The authors ofPerfect Combination: Seven Key Ingredients to Happily Living & Loving Together share a few tricks of the trade:Let go of the desire to be in control.If one of you does something better than the other, then play to each other’s strengths. Don’t worry about gender roles. If your husband loves to cook, let him do it. There’s no reason you can’t mow the grass if being outdoors is more your style.Appreciate each other, and remember to show it.Pay attention.If you notice something is difficult for your partner, then don’t force her to do it. Notice what she likes to do and what motivates her. “Pay the same attention to each other as you did when you were courting,” David advises.Don’t take the business home.“One of the things we had to learn was not to bring anger or frustration we felt against our employees into our relationship,” Davidsays.Praise first.Even if you have to criticize your spouse, watch how you do it. Point out something he does right first.Learn to disagree without being disagreeable.Take time apart.Cultivate relationships, hobbies and joy outside of the partnership. Maintain your identity as individuals.Let the little stuff go.Take a step back and remember the bigger vision for both your marriage and yourbusiness.

relationships

The Happy Formula for Successful Kids

If you want to raise happy and successful kids, model the traits of a dolphin, says Shawn Achor, author of Before Happinessand The Happiness Advantage, and Harvard researcher. Be playful, friendly, intelligent and social. Dolphin parents raise positive kids, and that sets the stage for future success, Shawn says.Many parents think success first, happiness second, but that’s not how it works. Happiness fuels success and not the other way around, Achor says. The problem with putting success before happiness is that success is a moving target—once you achieve a victory (something you thought would bring happiness) you push the goalpost out, so happiness keeps getting pushed over the horizon. The same philosophy applies to your kids.Parents can increase the likelihood of raising successful kids by focusing on creating a positive environment for their kids because happiness and optimism fuel performance and achievement. “Cultivating positive brains makes us more motivated, efficient, resilient, creative and productive, which drives performance,” Shawn says.To embrace dolphin parenting, Shawn says you need to prioritize happiness and positivity in the present. Here are some ways to do it:Create a positive environment for your kids by modeling optimism. Remember that the lens through which you see the world shapes your reality—and the reality for your kids.Teach your kids to openly express gratitude for three things a day—at the dinner table or before they go to bed each night. Encourage your kids to come up with new things each day. “It gets their brains to operate from a positive place, think about their strengths and cultivate optimism.”Exercise a little bit each day. “Exercise teaches your brain that what you do matters,” Achor says.Encourage your kids to journal about positive experiences. They get to relive happy memories.Make learning fun. Instead of rewarding your kids after they finish homework (delayed gratification), look for creative ways to make the process of doing their homework more enjoyable.Encourage your kids to connect and create deep social support with their friends.Change how your kids view stress. Help them see stress as a challenge and not a threat.Show your kids how to be open to possibilities and make goals attainable. Focus on the positive by reminding kids of past accomplishments to fuel future accomplishments. Break those bigger goals into smaller objectives so kids are encouraged and goals seem reachable.Have your child write a positive note to someone in their life.Have fun and smile.“What we really want is not only to get parents to teach these habits to children, but to model the habits. As the parent becomes more peaceful, calm, compassionate and positive, it becomes easier for the child to respond and do these things as well,” Shawn says.The key is to cultivate happiness in the present moment. When kids are happy and have a positive outlook, success is likely to follow, Shawn says. “When we believe positivity is important in the present, I think we will see a very different future.”Sandra Bienkowski, owner of The Media Concierge, LLC, is a national writer of wellness and personal development content and a social media expert.

relationships

Ron Howard Keeps Family Life in Focus

For Ron Howard, the secrets of happiness are simple, yet profound. “It’s about enthusiastically putting one foot in front of the other, and looking forward to what’s next, handling the challenges and doing the chores,” says the director of Splash, Apollo 13 and now Rush. Ron learned from the imaginary world of movies how to see the real world in fresh ways: “You have to create a special environment in order to catch something extraordinary. You never know when exceptional moments are going to happen, so you have to stay on your toes or you’ll miss them.” In fact, you might say Ron’s mantra and another of his secrets of happiness is the question he’s constantly asking, “How’m I doin’?” Happiness is also all about family and all that represents, Ron explains. It’s about how he treats people. “It’s about noticing what’s in my frame,” says the director, “what’s right in front of me and never allowing myself tobe bored.” Happiness is about love, his favorite word. “It’s loving what I do and who I do it with.” Happiness is about accepting what is beyond a person’s control, including his shrinking hairline–“I got used to it a long time ago.” And it’s much deeper than perfection or bank accounts. “Honestly, if I wasn’t a director, I’d probably be a basketball coach,” he says. “I know I’d love that, too, because I actually did coach my daughters’ high school team a while ago.” Ron married his high school sweetheart and the love of his life, Cheryl Gay Alley, in 1975, when they were 21. About that time he was beginning to experiment with films. He cast Cheryl in the first one, and he still puts her in all his movies. “I call her my good luck charm,” he says. Now they have four grown children and three grandchildren. Cheryl is a pro in her own right, and she’s an adventurous woman whose dad taught her to fly a plane and handle a gun. She researched and wrote the novel In the Face of Jinn, which takes place in Pakistan. “She loves travel and exploring different cultures,” says Ron. According to Cheryl, he says, “one of the things that brought us and has held us together was our appreciation of a good story.” And Cheryl is obviously very much in love with Ron. “He dazzles me,” she told Connecticut magazine. Cheryl coped with the travel requirements of Ron’s career by being willing to move whenever necessary to keep the family together. The couple took their children along on location, and Cheryl handled the logistics, even home-schooling some of the time. “We wanted to live a whole life with our children, so we didn’t compartmentalize,” Ron says. “It was unsettling and confusing. It was chaotic, but they rolled with the punches.” In fact, when Cheryl was pregnant with their son Reed, she arranged for the whole family to be in London. Ron was making Willow, and the move allowed him to be present at Reed’s birth. It was the act of “a real hands-on mom,”he says. Daughter Bryce Dallas remembers, “My mom gave so much to us when we were growing up. Even now she stays very involved in keeping the family together.” A profile of Ron in Connecticut magazine quotes Cheryl telling other moms in their town, “If you ever see any red-haired kids so much as smoking downtown, I want to know about it!” “When I had kids she gave me a piece of surprising advice,” Bryce says. “She said that when it comes to building a strong family, it’s always important to prioritize the marriage. You have to be stable in your marriage and personal relationships before you can impart stability to your children.” Cheryl lives this advice. “My parents have always made time for the little things,” Bryce says. Bryce tells about her parents’ coffee dates, bike rides, trips to the farmers market and watching movies and TV shows together. “As hard as it must be to juggle kids, life, a career and all those responsibilities, they truly prioritize their friendship,” Bryce says. “It’s something my husband and I really pay attention to and try to emulate.” Memorably, Ron and Cheryl gave each of their children a middle name that stands for where he or she was conceived. Daughter Paige says, “I don’t know what they were thinking!” There is Bryce Dallas (representing Texas), her twin sisters Paige and Joselyn Carlyle (in honor of the famed Carlyle Hotel in Manhattan), and son Reed Cross (named after a street in a small town where they were living at the time). Now, Bryce is an accomplished actress and the mother of two children, Theo and Beatrice. She’s married to actor Seth Gabel. Paige is also pursuing an acting career, and Joselyn, a fairly new mom herself, is finishing school and is married to actor/writer Dane Charbeneau. Ron and Cheryl’s son, Reed, is on the pro golf tour. What’s next for Ron and family? He’s already started a project based on a survival story by Herman Melville, who wrote Moby-Dick. “It’s a masterpiece,” Ron says. He found it in the book In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex, by Nathaniel Philbrick. He is currently working with daughter Bryce on Project Imagin8ion, sponsored by Canon. The project encourages the public to submit photos; winners are selected to inspire short films and experimental movies. Joselyn’s husband, Dane, wrote the first film that resulted from the project, and Bryce directed. “It’s the first time we’ve worked together in this way, and I must admit it’s beautiful for me to be able to say the words, ‘my daughter, the director,’ because I know the joy that awaits her,” Ron says. After all, as he says, it’s that joy, and love, that leads to the happinessRon feels.

Building a Lasting Partnership

What My Dog Taught Me About Joy

8 Ways to Raise Happy Kids

The Five Mistakes We Make in Work Relationships

Love Language

Play Nice, Fight Fair

The Happy Formula for Successful Kids

Ron Howard Keeps Family Life in Focus

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