Relationships | Live Happy

Adam Shell and Nicholas Kraft in Valencia, CA

Happy Trails

We hear a lot about finding happiness, but it’s not every day that you hear about an actual pursuit. Meet Adam Shell and Nicholas Kraft, two filmmakers who are traveling coast to coast to find the happiest people. (Along the way, they are also blogging for our website.) The idea for their latest documentary, Pursuing Happiness, stemmed from Adam’s previous film, Finding Kraftland. He followed Hollywood film music agent Richard Kraft and his son, Nicholas, on a worldwide quest to get as much joy and excitement out of life as possible. Overwhelmingly positive feedback from film festival screenings of Finding Kraftland inspired their next venture. The happiest person in town “I made a film that’s actually inspiring people to find happiness. Doing things and having the attitude of being happy were always something of high importance to me,” Adam says. “I wanted to see if I could actually spread more happiness and inspire people to think about their own happiness.” In Pursuing Happiness, Adam and Nicholas talk to psychologists, researchers, theologians and, more important, everyday people, to find out as much as they can about happiness. There has been no shortage of people to interview. Somebody knows someone who is the happiest person they know. From time to time they find themselves in a town where they don’t know a soul. Then they start talking to strangers. “It’s not about the happiest place in America. The real focus is to find a wide variety from different parts of the country,” Nicholas says. “Part of it is to capture those differences and part of it is to show what unites us.” The secret to happiness The most frequently asked question when people discover the scope of their project is, “What is the secret?” Since happiness means different things to different people, there isn’t a single answer. And while their journey is far from over, they are starting to see a trend: Happier people usually come from stronger communities. “It always comes down to community and connecting with people, and that’s where we have definitely found the happiest people in the tightest communities,” Adam says. “We are pack animals. And as a pack, we are strong; as individuals we are weak,” Adam explains. “The idea of sharing is the utmost idea in the history of humanity, right? Because when you share, that strengthens the community, and when you strengthen the community, your chances of survival improve.” The most encouraging aspect to this project is that the secret to happiness seems to be no secret at all. There is no unattainable grail. Everything about being happy has already been said. Which is not to say that there isn’t a lot to understand,” Nicholas points out. “It is kind of like music. There are only 12 notes and people are still composing music with those 12 notes. I think there are only a limited number of things that really contribute to happiness, and those are things that we already know.”

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Your Child’s Sparks

One of the most interesting things to emerge from the landmark 2012 American FamilyAssets Study was the concept of “sparks,” meaning those talents and interests that really light up kids and make them tick. Encouraging each other’s sparks, according to Pennsylvania StateUniversity professor J. Douglas Coatsworth, who consulted on the study, makes a big difference in the wellbeing and happiness of a family.Finding their special talentThese interests, when pursued over time, can help kids attain a positive sense of mastery, which has been linked to self-esteem. Eventually, when playing piano or painting a mural, they may even enter a state of "flow," a heightened sense of happiness and being in the moment.“Those activities or skills,those are really the strengthsthey see in themselves,” says Doug. “We started asking ourselves, ‘What is itthat families were doing that made themfunction well and helped parents raisehappier, healthier kids?’ ”Every child has sparks. Dougestimates 75 percent of kidscan identify things in their livesthat make them feel different,special, alive and real. Maybeit’s swimming, dance, chess,tennis or writing. “What happens with someparents is they don’t see that,”he says. “They’re so caught-upin raising that child the waythey feel they’re supposed to raise that child, or the way theyfeel their neighbor thinks theyshould raise that child, thatthey’re missing some reallyimportant parts of being ayoung kid or a teen.”Setting limits, discipline andbehavioral control resonatemore easily with many parents, according to Doug.Focus on the positive“It’s much harder for manyparents to examine thestrengths of their kids. Askparents, ‘What are your kids’positive qualities?’ They mightsay a few things. ‘What is your kid really interested andinvested in? What makes themgo? What’s their spark?’ Lotsof parents can’t do that. Theydon’t connect with their kidsat that deep emotional levelthat is really the core of thatchild’s being. And that’s reallywhat that spark is—whatthat child feels is his or heressence. And parents aren’t intouch with that.”Supporting your child’ssparks is even more difficultwhen they aren’t the sameas yours, according to Doug. “The saddest thing,the absolute saddest thing, isa parent trying to make a kidwho has a spark for playingthe piano into a linebacker.But parents do it all the time.”

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Family Strong

There’s good news about families. Regardless of life’s inevitable challenges, families remain strong, resilient and lasting when attainable characteristics, practices and priorities are in place. These common strengths of thriving families can be found in a wide variety of family make-ups and circumstances. They’re not tied to family structure, nor are they guaranteed by wealth. They are a result of getting the basics right.Any family can have any strength or combination of strengths. The presence of a single strength can help a family stay or become strong. The basic strengths of strong families, according to research, include characteristics like the ability to adapt to change, having clear roles for family members and maintaining overall physical, mental and economic health. Practices like spending family time together, communicating with and being committed to each other, and establishing accountability and mutual respect are considered key strengths. Also on the list are priorities like having community ties, spirituality, cultural traditions and an extended sense of family.The most recent and broadest research is the American FamilyAssets Study by Minneapolis’ SearchInstitute, a nonprofit dedicated to discovering what kids need to succeed. The Search Institute has spent the last 50 years looking into the strengths in young people’s lives, and the last 25 focused on developing assets they need to grow up successfully. Their study, published in 2012, was based on the results of a 2011 Harris Interactive survey, which polled a diverse cross-section of more than 1,500 families. “A big part of our research is understanding the power of focusing on strengths ... of counterbalancing the negative messages about kids and families that are out there,” says Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., the institute’s vice president of research and development. “We know that family is important, and yet it’s sometimes hard to be tangible about what that means.”Eugene and his team had a sensethat what was happening in familiesand what those families shared ascommon strengths were part of whatthey needed to tap into to help buildstronger families. In the end they identified 21 tangible things families can do to bestronger units. These family strengths, or“assets,” as the institute refers tothem, center around five commonqualities or actions:1. Nurturing RelationshipsAre family members respectfully listening to each other? Showing each other affection? Encouraging each other? Asking about each other’s highs and lows of the day is a great way to keep in emotional touch. “Relationships shape us so much, as do the quality of the relations with each other,” Eugene says. “The way we get along shapes family life. It matters. It’s what gets us throughchallenging times.”There are high societal expectationsof closeness. There is no other group ofpeople we spend more time with. There is no relationship like the parent-child relationship. And there are no other relationships where those involved have such a great stake in each other’s lives. We are responsible for each other. Sometimes grandparents are part of that immediate family. Sometimes friends are.2. Establishing RoutinesAre you eating dinner together? Hanging out together by planning regular game or movie nights? Creating meaningful traditions, like half-birthday celebrations or doing fondue as the first meal of the new school year? Can you depend on each other? Do you have a family calendar everyone has access to?Kathleen Fischer, a Dallas-based family and parenting coach and author, uses the 21 Family Assets often when working with families and refers to family dinnertime as a secret weapon.“When parents say, ‘How am I going to connect with my kids?’ I ask how many times they eat dinner as a family. This is your best tool, your most consistent, easiest way to broach tough subjects, to check in, to get a barometer ;on how they’re doing in the day.”3. Maintaining ExpectationsAre the rules fair? The boundaries well-defined? Can you discuss the tough topics? Is everyone contributing? “As your kid is moving toward being in charge of his own life, the amount he’s contributing back to the family is important,” Kathleen says. “I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about, ‘Would you pick up a gallon of milk?’ ‘Would you take Jonathan to soccer practice?’ If my kid is on the East Coast in college and Grandpa is getting over pneumonia, can he take the train down to Philly and check on him? Not only is it a relief to Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, but it also says to the kid, ‘You have a real role to play as you begin to contribute back to the family in adult ways.’ ”4. Adapting to ChallengesIs everyone doing what needs to be done at home, work and school? Do family duties need to adjust while Mom is out of town or your 16-year-old studies forfinals or a state debate competition?Does the family adapt well when faced with changes? Do you work together to solve problems? Is everyone’s voice heard? Even Eugene, who has been a parent for decades and has one senior in high school and a recent college graduate, learned something along the way. He was surprised at how important adaptability was to those interviewed forthe study.&“It’s easy to forget how important itis to adjust when things come up,” he says. “When we talked with families in the study, we weren’t originally thinking about this. We were thinking ;communications and routines, but people kept bringing this up, that they’d been through some tough stuff. To me, that was one of the pieces that stoodout. It’s actually something we cancelebrate, that we can use to get throughthe tough times.”5. Connecting to CommunitiesDo family members have relationshipswith others in the community, with coaches, teachers and other adults? Are neighbors looking out for each other? Do you feel a part of your community and are family members active in it and giving back to it? Are there nearby places each member of your family feels at home, like a neighborhood coffee shop, church or a friend’s house?Isolated families are not healthy families, Eugene says. “The best families are not cocoons against theworld, but families that are connectedand engaged in the world. Different people bring fresh perspectives, new ideas. When there’s a disaster, it’s theneighbors who help you through it.When a family becomes too isolated from activities and broader connections, it’s not good for them.”The study found that the more assetsa family has, the stronger parents and children will be. Broadly, kids from such families are more engaged in school, take better care of themselves and stand up when they see someone treated unfairly. Parents of these families also are more likely to watch their health and be active in their communities.“Across virtually every cross section of family, the vast majority want to do right by their kids,” Eugene says. “They want to be a good family even if they have had some tough knocks in life. How do we help them do that? One of the ways is to begin articulating key pieces of what that means, things they can actually do. We wanted to make the intangible tangible.”Strengths Trump Structure and DemographicsPeople sometimes equate a “good family” with a particular type of family—and that family usually looks like the person imagining the perfect family. The image of a strong family then becomes based on who is in the family, who isn’t in the family, as well as our own individual values.“That doesn’t capture enough about what a family is,” Eugene says. “You can have a traditional two-parent, two-kids-and-a-dog fabulous family. But you can also have a family that’s abusive and dysfunctional that looks just like that.” Regardless of the structure, “What are the processes and relationships going on with the family?” is whatis more important to ask, he says.“What happens when we pay attention to those?”The American Family Assets Studyshows those processes and relationships matter far more when you’re looking at outcomes than demographics do. Statistically controlling for family size, composition and neighborhood, demographics may account for 5 to 10 percent of the outcome difference among families (how happy and successful their children end up). The 21 Family Assets account for a 30 to 35 percent difference.“Family isn’t isolated, but has a unique role,” Eugene says. “You’ve been with them from early childhood, all the way through. And you have this deep bond and attachment. That’s just different than any other relationship.”Past Flaws in ThinkingSociety—and therefore, research—is generally problem-focused, says J._Douglas Coatsworth, Ph.D., professor of human development and family studies at Pennsylvania State University and a consultant on the Family Assets study. Earlier research and advicestemmed from clinical models workingwith children who were alreadyin trouble.“It’s easier for us to categorize andclassify along certain dimensions,”the professor says. “It’s much easierfor us to say, ‘This is a single-parentfamily,’ than to say, ‘This is a familythat provides love and nurturing, goodguidance, fair discipline and openconversation.’ The attributes of strongfamilies are harder to describe.”As Doug instructs his students toobserve in everyday situations, specificrelationships—mother and son, brotherand brother, sister and mother, father and son, sister to brother—seem totake precedence to the family as anentire unit.“It’s hard to conceptualize and talkabout the family as a whole thing,” hesays. “Families are really complex. It’sreally hard to measure how the family as a whole is functioning. It’s mucheasier to emphasize parenting.”The assets study is one of only a fewstudies since at least the ’70s, Eugenesays, that has tried to quantitativelylook at family strengths. It seems inmore recent years, we’ve gotten toocaught up in the techniques of parenting.But a positive spin on the family andchildren in the past decade has startedto cast a different lens on the family:“We started asking ourselves, ‘What is itthat families were doing that made themfunction well and helped parents raisehappier, healthier kids?’ ”The Search Institute researchuniquely includes the important rolechildren play in the strength of a family,a change Doug has seen in the researchcommunity in the last 15 or so years: “Some of the positives of the Family Assets have to do with what the youth contributes to the family. They have an important role and contribution. Recognizing that within a family is very important.”

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Happy Day

Considering that it was only the 2nd annual celebration of the United Nations’ International Day of Happiness, we at Live Happy consider it a massive success. In dozens of cities and towns across the country, people got together to exude joy and gratitude, and post their personal Acts of Happiness on bright orange walls. From Atlanta to Dallas and LA to New York, people of all stripes came out to embrace a more positive approach to life and to each other. Some came with kids, with loved ones—some came just to let their freak flag fly. The walls were just the beginning. We also reached millions of people through Facebook and Twitter with our hashtag#HappyActs. Next year we plan to launch hundreds more Acts of Happiness walls on March 20, 2015—this time around the world. We’re giddy with anticipation about the prospect of making the world a better place. We hope you’ll join us.

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7 Keys to a Healthy Argument

Healthy relationships are a vital part of wellbeing. Without meaningful connections with others, we’re far more likely to be unhappy and unhealthy. While all relationships suffer less-than-perfect moments and disagreements, it’s how we deal with these situations that determines whether our relationships grow stronger or weaker. Here are seven tips to having a healthy argument with a partner, or anyone else in your life.1. Respectfully engageIf the argument appears seemingly out of nowhere, try to de-escalate the situation, and find a moment to collect your thoughts. Changing your physical state – for example by taking deep breaths or going for a short walk – can help you to relax before re-engaging in the discussion. Ideally, make the other person feel valued by making yourself available to talk at a pre-planned time they’ve selected. Remove distractions and give your partner your full attention. Turn your cell phone to vibrate. At the beginning and at the end of your conversation, thank him or her for listening to you, and sharing their own thoughts and feelings. Convey presence and interest through paraphrasing what they’ve said, clarifying, and asking for feedback.2. Begin with the end in mindVisualize in advance the positive outcome you desire, and give words to it. Do you and your partner have shared goals you can leverage to frame the discussion? For example, if you disagree about household chores, perhaps your shared value of a peaceful home can anchor your discussion. Claim your piece of the disagreement, creating joint ownership of the issue at hand, and the envisioned solution. Get your partner’s support and buy-in by verbally “contracting” or agreeing to rewards for co-creating your positive outcome. For example, “If we can generate a chores list we both feel good about, we get to finally crack open that expensive champagne we’ve been saving.”3. Ask positive questionsUsing prompts like, "How might we ____?" frames the conflict as resolvable, and becomes a jumping-off point for new possibilities. Founder of the change movement Appreciative Inquiry, David Cooperrider has said that “human systems move in the direction of their persistent inquiry.” In other words, by asking positive questions – ones designed to generate a constructive response - you’re assuming the best of the situation, and that a satisfactory outcome can be achieved. In essence, you're changing the context of the discussion through language.4. Sync upYou're on the same team, so your goal should be empathy, not persuasiveness or sympathy, which can surprisingly underscore the divide between you. Imitation and mimicry facilitate empathy, so if it feels comfortable, try mirroring the other person in small ways. Uncross your arms, lean in slightly, and look your partner in the eyes. When you are expressing genuine interest, you will naturally do this, but it doesn't hurt to practice. (In happy moments, this can even result in synchronized rhythms between the neurons in your and your partner’s brains.)5. Spot the strengthsThe more you can generate those positive emotional states, the more your communication will benefit. Neuroscience shows that positivity-infused communication can increase understanding, empathy, and even help people anticipate what others will say—all helpful ingredients during an argument. Developing a lens of character strengths (such as gratitude, optimism, justice, and self-regulation), prepares you to perceive and engage with your partner in a more positive way. This online assessment can help you and your partner to better understand each other’s natural areas of excellence and adopt a “lens of strengths.”6. Describe, don't evaluateDescribe the object of your argument in objective language, trying your best not to ascribe judgment. Doing so minimizes defensiveness in your partner and provides them with helpful information. Say what happened, not why you think it happened or what you think it means. Describe the behavior or event, and its outcomes or reactions to it. (For example, "You didn't call to say you were coming home late, and I felt sad", not, "You don't care that I'm always home by myself.") When giving specific feedback, focus on the person's effort and strategies, not the person's qualities (or lack of character strengths!). This encourages continued effort and creative problem-solving by your partner.7. Capitalize on the positiveThe best way to settle arguments is to prevent them from happening. Psychology research shows that people who perceive their partners to be active and constructive responders to good events report fewer daily conflicts, engage in more fun and relaxing activities, and report more trust and intimacy. Instead of using a passive constructive response ("That's great. What's for dinner?"), really engaging the person in a way that allows them to relive the positive experience is the key ("Tell me exactly what your boss said when you got the promotion. How did you feel?") Believe it or not, the way our loved ones respond to good news (whether or not they "capitalize") is more important to the health of our relationship than how they respond to bad news. Capitalizing leads to increases in positive emotion, and more intimate, positive and trusting relationships.Struggle and conflict are a necessary part of relationships and simply a fact of life. But by adjusting the way we communicate, both verbally and physically, and the way we approach a disagreement, we can minimize the destructive potential of these interactions. We build our deepest connections with our partners and others not by seeking to conquer, but by bringing out the best in one another.

International Day of Happiness illustration

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Celebrate International Day of Happiness!

As United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moonsaid, “Social, economic and environmental well-being are indivisible. Together they define gross global happiness.” The Happiness Movement, a heady combination of positive psychology, personal development, social justice, and simple joyfulness, has been growing steadily in the past decade. By designating March 20 as International Day of Happiness, the United Nations has codified the movement into a bonified global phenomenon. As conflict and turmoil seem to dominate the news, a focus on positivity is not just a matter of turning away from reality, it is a way of changing reality. By performing small Acts of Happiness in our daily lives--by showing that we can be kind, compassionate and altruistic, we not only help others but also ourselves. Studies show that true, lasting happiness comes not from the short-lived "hedonic" high we get from, say,eating a donut while watching Duck Dynasty, but by engaging with and helping other people. This year, in more than 25 cities around the country, including San Francisco, New York, Dallas, and Atlanta, Live Happy magazine is celebrating International Day of Happiness byerecting‘Happiness Walls,’ where people can gather to exchange good will and to express their support—for happiness and for each other. Meet up with friends, share smiles and stories, and post your own positive wishes for the planet on the Wall. If you can't make it to a real Wall, create a wall of your own! Together, we can make the world a happier place.

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The Happiest Child Ever?

As positive psychology researchers, recently married and now pregnant with a baby due in February, the biggest reaction we have gotten has been, “That is going to be the happiest baby ever!” No pressure. As first-time parents, we have so much to learn. What works well in a psychology lab might not work well for a 2-month-old colicky baby who at 2 a.m. seems completely unaware of all the research on the importance of sleep. As we go through this learning process, we wanted to share our thoughts and hear yours, as well. We are encouraged by the fact that change is always possible at any point in our lives. Research from the University of Pennsylvania and the University of California, Riverside, shows that while children are born hard-wired with a happiness genetic set point, that is only the starting point. Choices we make and they (eventually) make can help them rise above their genes and their environment. And the great news is that even when we mess up, we can course-correct. Happiness Hygiene Parents teach their kids to brush their teeth in order to make it a habit. And it eventually works; most adults keep up that habit. Aside from that, can you think of another habit we keep through adulthood? Why do we stop there? Equally important to children’s health is their mindset. In order to encourage a grateful mindset, we want to express three new things we are thankful for every night at dinner. In addition, we would like to encourage exercise and two minutes of meditation for the entire family. We realize meditation might sound a bit unusual for a small child, but we’ve recently seen how schools using morning breathing exercises have created calmer classrooms. Learning to quiet our minds early on in life by watching our breath go in and out is a skill that later on improves accuracy at tasks, and rewires the brain for greater creativity, intelligence and energy. The tricky part will be making this an expected part of life, like brushing teeth. Have you parents out there had success with this for a child younger than 5. Normalize Nutrition If food is fuel for our bodies, nutrition is fuel for our brains. Even just one cup of blueberries in the morning can drastically improve a young student’s brain function in the classroom. As researchers, we know that education is extremely important—but our interest in a nutrient rich diet for our son has less to do with ideas about his eventual academic performance and more to do with his overall well being. There is evidence that suggests a higher intake of fruits and vegetables can increase happiness and overall life satisfaction. We hope that by treating nutrient rich foods as treats instead of a concession or chore, our son will grow up eager to share in these options. Let’s be clear: we don’t want him seeing us obsess over our bodies or weight, as this can be very damaging for a child’s self image and lifelong relationship to food. Instead, we want him to see the joy to be had with healthy food—thanks to its taste and cumulative psychological benefits. We’ve been working to better understand the neurological and practical benefits of food ourselves so we can eventually share this knowledge to our son. Healthy foods protect our bodies against disease, naturally brighten our smiles and help us maintain a sharp memory. By introducing these foods as early and enthusiastically as possible, we hope to give our son a lifelong appreciation for nutrition that will help him lead a happy life far beyond his childhood. Noise Canceling If our baby were being born just 100 years ago, this would not be such a top priority; but these days, babies are coming into the human history. Technology is always at their fingertips. We have received text messages, albeit incoherent ones, from 2-year-olds. In Shawn’s newest book, Before Happiness, we look at how the brain can only process 40 bits of information out of the 11 million it receives per second. Our brains are bombarded, we are all developing cultural ADHD and the research shows us that we do not learn as well with that continuous external stimulation. That’s why we will try noise canceling in our home. We will install a white-noise machine in the nursery and not have TV and news blaring in the house, and we plan to model taking 5 percent of each week away from phones, TV and computers. Our hope is that this break from technology and information can help our brains (and our baby’s) find the “signal” more easily, which is the information that helps lead to growth and happiness. Solid Us, Solid Baby Babies need love and support from the moment they arrive, and their brains are wired from birth to seek out a sense of security from the caregivers in their lives. According to neuroscientist and author of Brain Rules John Medina, babies’ brains develop differently if they don’t feel security from the get-go. They are more oriented toward threats and less attached to other people. Beyond the basic duties of feeding, bathing and clothing our little guy, we also hope to communicate love and safety in one very specific way: being verbally supportive in front of our child of each other’s positive contributions to our marriage and peaceful home. We already do this now to some degree, but we recently decided to be more conscious about “calling each other out” when either of us does or says something positive and loving. It’s the little things that we want to acknowledge, like putting the dishes in the dishwasher (which is admittedly not a little thing) or making food for the other one while he or she is working. Each time we thank one another, we strengthen our relationship. And since children not only pick up their parents’ habits, but also derive their sense of security from what they see, we think being highly expressive in a positive way will communicate security and be a win-win all around. Have you used these strategies with your kids? What has been your parenting secret to raising happy kids? Comment below.

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Puppy Love

Walking with her dog Laurel along the frosted mountain trail as it curves through the Vermont woods, massage therapist Jody Higgs signals the dog to “come” and “wait.”Still a puppy at 10 months—but, at 90-something glorious pounds, close to her mature weight—Laurel lopes happily to Jody’s side, stands at the tips of her hiking boots and looks up expectantly. This is a training run, and Laurel knows it.“Down,” Jody says firmly. “Stay.”Laurel lies down and for 10 minutes the two quietly listen to the ravens overhead, the occasional crack of an old tree branch, and the rustle of frosted leaves as a small woodland creature moves around outside its burrow.“It’s almost like a standing meditation for me,” says Jody later as the three of us meet along a backcountry road near the trailhead. “Dogs intensify our connection to nature.” They notice everything, and draw our attention to the small sounds, earthy scents and transient creatures we might otherwise miss.As if to prove Jody’s words, Laurel, now on a lead, dances along the road’s edge, sniffing everything and looks for a tree stump on which she can gnaw— probably to test her new molars.“She also gets me out of bed in the morning,” adds Jody, as the dog pushes her curious nose under a juniper. “When I wake up, I’m sort of grumpy and pessimistic, and I don’t think clearly. Then Laurel and I go for a walk.”Jody shrugs, a little embarrassed, and offers a grin. “I don’t know what it is,” she adds, “but when I get back, it feels like I can deal with things. Things are clearer. And I’m in a better mood.”The 10-Minute FixClearly Laurel’s magic. But she does far more than just connect Jody to nature or get her up in the morning. As Rebecca Johnson, Ph.D., director of the University of Missouri’s Research Center for Human-Animal Interaction points out, researchers have discovered that the interaction between dogs and their humans triggers a series of chemical changes that increase our sense of wellbeing.In fact, several studies have revealed that within 10 minutes of gazing deeply into a dog’s eyes or petting a sweet little bundle of fur, there are neurochemical changes in the brain. “We get a burst of oxytocin, prolactin, dopamine and endorphins,” explains Rebecca, “which are all chemicals that help us feel happy and allow us to relax.”It’s actually something of a neurochemical free-for-all for both dog and human—and it makes your dog as happy as it does you. And it’s good for your health. In fact, some studies suggest that living with a dog reduces the symptoms and severity of clinical depression, while others have found that it boosts your immune system, reduces blood pressure and lowers your heart rate.The effect is so powerful that the chief cardiologist at one British hospital literally prescribes a dog for men who have just had a heart attack. And he’s found that the chances of a second heart attack in these men are cut by a whopping 400 percent.Dogs also help you maintain an active lifestyle and a healthy weight, adds Rebecca, who co-wrote the book Walk a Hound, Lose a Pound. Which is something Jody Higgs can verify. “I’m getting way more exercise than I was before I got Laurel,” says the trim Vermont woman. “I used to walk once a week, but now I walk for at least an hour every morning.”Building a Lifelong BondFor you and your dog to enjoy a life that brings each of you love, joy and a steady diet of happiness, you need to begin building a lifelong bond on the day that you bring your dog home. Here’s how to do it:Give daily belly rubs. If you have four feet and a furry undercarriage, nothing brings more pleasure than to roll over on your back and have your human gently rub your chest and belly. It’s an excellent way to start the day, and you feel nothing but love for the human who understands that important fact.Build trust. Meet your dog’s needs, says dog trainer Deb Helfrich, director of training and certification for Therapy Dogs of Vermont and founder of GoldStar Dog Training in Stowe and Fairfax. A dog that’s regularly fed, stroked, groomed, played with, and walked will learn to trust you.Learn to speak dog. Study your dog so you know how he or she shows fear, happiness, sadness, excitement, anxiety—the full range of emotions. If you’re not sure what you’re seeing, says Deb, check out doggonesafe.com and learn the signs. You can also sign up for an online course that helps you figure out appropriate responses, or you can get tips from a local trainer. Go to apdt.com for a listing of trainers in your area.Learn together. Obedience training, agility training, freestyle dog dancing, therapy dog training—whatever it is that the two of you learn together will, as you steadily work together, set the foundation for a lifelong relationship.Play together. Grab an old sock for tug-of-war, bounce a tennis ball off the house, hurl a Frisbee across the yard. Help your dog explore his interests with one-on-one attention. No puppy cousins or human brothers allowed. Just the two of you doing something that makes you both feel good.Never use physical punishment. Ever.Walk. Just as that walk around the block after dinner settles you down after a hectic day and lifts your mood, it does the same for your dog, says Rebecca. Shared together every day, it sets the tone for a feel-good relationship.Work through challenges together. When Rebecca adopted Madison, an English setter rescue, the dog came with a lot of little issues, plus an inclination toward aggression. Rebecca enrolled her in 16 weeks of private obedience work, which helped the dog become obedient but didn’t affect the aggression. But Rebecca kept trying. And after working with Madison through several approaches, she eventually found a trainer who was able to reach the dog. Madison became a different dog, and she found her place in the family. And the bond she and Rebecca built as those challenges were confronted is the foundation of a solid relationship today.ELLEN MICHAUD, Editor at Large for Live Happy magazine, is an award-winning writer who lives high in the mountains of Vermont. She has written for The New York Times, Washington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, Readers’ Digest, Ladies Home Journal and Prevention Magazine. Her book A Master Class: Sensational Recipes from the Chefs of the New England Culinary Institute and Ellen Michaudwas named one of the top ten cookbooks of the year by NPR.

Hiking couple - Active young couple in love.

relationships

Building Lasting, Loving Families

My wife and I just celebrated 18 years of marriage; we’ve been together for 23 years. We have a 9-year-old boy and a 6-yearold girl. If you do the math, we waited 14 years from the time we started dating before we had kids. That gave us a lot of time to get to know one another, tackle our issues, and have a glorious time traveling and doing what we love.My wife Jennifer was a manager in the music industry before she became a full-time mom, and I am a life coach. Philosophically we look at life the same way, which means that we agree on how we raise our kids, religion and most points in between. We even dog-ear the same page of a design magazine when looking at furniture or art—our sensibilities match. I am 17 years older (she says 16) than her, but most of our friends would say it’s the other way around; she’s way more mature than I.Jennifer is of Spanish decent; her mother was born in Barcelona, and she grew up in Los Angeles. I grew up in New York City. She’s private, I’m public; our age, ethnicity, environments, access and resources are all very different, yet philosophically we match perfectly. I have found that you can have very different influences and environments, but if your sensibilities match it can work. The opposite is true as well. For instance, you want to raise the children as Buddhists and your spouse wants to raise them Catholic, or one of you believes you should live for the moment and the other wants to build for the future. These situations usually end up with a push/pull, a struggle. It’s not that differences in thinking can’t contribute to one another and to the relationship, but if those differences are immovable, carved in stone or a part of your moral structure, they won’t allow the necessary “flow” in the relationship. We have friends who have entirely different approaches to what’s important in life than we do but they and their family are completely aligned—it all works.When we date we don’t spend enough time on those philosophical differences. We spend a lot of time on chemistry. We usually don’t have enough conversations on the front end, so when we ended up married with children, we found that what we believe and how we see life is very different. Chemistry is wonderful, but it also might not be the end-all for a lifelong commitment. We often hear how important it is to find your best friend, and I don’t think that can be overemphasized. If one’s criteria are chemistry, body, money, health…one thing you can be certain of is that those will change. And, if you based your silent vows (not the ones you said out loud) on those things not changing, once they do, there will be problems. The foundation is what endures.Jennifer and I have places in our marriage that each is accountable for, and we didn’t plan or strategize this—it evolved naturally. She is the visionary of the marriage, and I execute that vision. That means she determines where we are going and what it would look like. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot to contribute to the direction, it just means that it worked out that way. She is accountable for the emotional development of the family, how to work through rejections, frustrations and disappointments with our kids. I’m accountable for their physical development, how they move in the world and take risks, that they know the difference between stupidity and risk when they’re jumping off the roof or climbing a tree. The accountabilities are clear —it’s whoever had the most credibility in the particular area. We go to each other’s strengths.Where one is anxious or has fear, there is little or no perception, so in a crisis we go with the one who has no fear: me. I make the money; she manages it. She likes to sleep so I make breakfast. In turn, she makes dinner. None of this was ever planned —all these compartmentalizations evolved quite naturally.People say that you must have compromise in a relationship. We don’t compromise; it is our pleasure to do for the other. Compromise indicates that you are doing something begrudgingly.Most relationships start off as a privilege and very soon turn into a right. We start speaking to each other as if we are owed something, and we expect something as opposed to the privilege it is to be with that person. We would never talk to someone on the first date the way we start talking to them three months later.Our difficulties and our upsets are usually quite universal and finite: money, health, career and relationship struggles. When your relationship isn’t fl owing, when the affinity has been compromised, it has a systemic effect that throws off all the other areas of your life. Men used to have a more effective way of compartmentalizing relationships and career, but that was mostly aberrant and inaccurate. Today that illusion has been shattered, and men are equally disabled when their intimate relationships are in conflict.There has never been a time in the course of human evolution that we look so closely at our intimate relationships. There are more books, literature, articles, dating sites and couples’ counseling, all in the service of being more connected, which leads to more sustainability and ultimately more LOVE.BRECK COSTIN has more than 30 years of experience as a personal consultant and life coach. As the founder of the Absolute Freedom seminars, he has helped thousands of people change the way they live their lives by breaking free from unwanted patterns of behavior. His compassionate yet direct style allows people to dismantle their illusions of self so they truly can see what is (and isn’t) possible. “Your fantasies must die,” he says, “for your dreams to come true.”

relationships

Revitalizing Community for Renewed Happiness

In the not so distant past, maintaining strong communities was a staple in everyday life. People depended on their local butcher for their meat, the town doctor for all their ailments and the local sheriff to keep the peace. It was not wise to alienate or upset these people; they were the only ones for miles who could help meet your needs. Neighbors were more than just the people who lived next door. They were often more readily available than family members and could be counted on in times of need. A happy community meant a better and more stable life. In a modern society, there are many reasons why people do not interact with one another like they have in the past. Most do not rely on one person to supply their food, heal their sickness or be there when they need a helping hand. Technology and transportation have put just about everything we need at our fingertips, making it for easier for people to become more isolated with less community involvement. Just because the geography of community has changed, does not mean there still isn’t a need for fellowship. Being part of a community provides a sense of stability, belonging and support. It helps people feel they belong to something bigger than themselves. Communities help strengthen friendships and allow you to share your passion with others. Recent research even says that being part of a community can even help you cope with stress and crisis. Identifying yourself with a particular community group may be easier than it sounds. Knowing only a little about yourself can help you find a group that will help you help yourself. Do you love to read? Find or form a book club. Have a heart for volunteering? Contact a local nonprofit to see if you can help with a community-service project. Just find a way to connect with a group of people who have something in common with you. Examples of communities that you can be a part of: Neighborhood get-togethers Church groups Recreational sporting league Community-service organizations Running or Biking Club Gardening group Extra-curricular activities for children One benefits of becoming part of a community is the happiness it will bring. Often in a group of like-minded people, you are able to be yourself, let loose and have fun; knowing you are in a trusted circle of people who accept you for who you are. Take some time to become part of a community group or reconnect with a group you have lost touch with. It might not be a necessary to survive but it might be vital to your happiness.

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Building Lasting, Loving Families

Revitalizing Community for Renewed Happiness

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