Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Make Your Summer Fun Last All Fall
[EPISODE]
[0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 481 of Live Happy Now. As students and their teachers head back to school, summer is ending, but that doesn’t mean our summer of fun has to. I’m your host, Paula Felps, and two months ago, we launched Live Happy’s eight-week summer of fun email course with organizational psychologist, Mike Rucker. Many of our listeners signed up to get a weekly reminder of how to add more fun to their summer. This week, Mike is back to talk about how we can take what we’ve learned about having fun and make it last all through the fall and winter. Let’s have a listen.
Mike, welcome back to Live Happy Now.
[0:00:41] MR: Thanks for having me back. It’s always a pleasure.
[0:00:43] PF: Hey. So, we are wrapping up a summer of fun, but that doesn’t mean we have to quit having fun, I guess.
[0:00:49] MR: Absolutely
[0:00:51] PF: So, I have really enjoyed this whole campaign that we did. I think one thing that happens with summer, we can get caught in one of two traps, and this is like, this is my fun time, or we’re still so busy that we feel cheated out of summer fun. We have it in our heads from the time we are kids, because that’s, hey, we’re out of school, that’s when we’re supposed to have fun. Then. we become adults, and it’s like, “Well, wait a minute. I’m not having much fun. I’m working every day. I’m doing all these things.”
That’s what I loved about the summer, a fun series. It was a reminder of, you can build fun into your life in simple, small ways, and it is incrementally adding up and contributing to building joy into your life.
[0:01:36] MR: Yes. One of the other things that I found fascinating just recently – well, not recently. I think recently, I had this awakening, but it was because there’s been a plethora over the last four to six weeks, and maybe some of it came in through this program. But just how time poor working moms are. So, that particular persona in general are doing so much to organize the fun of their kids going into this summer. That when it comes time to think about themselves, like that amount of energy is already expended on others, even though they still wanted to enjoy their time too, because there is that opportunity yet. Instead of planning somewhat for themselves, they’ve given it all away for others to make sure the kind of proverbial leaders eat last.
But oftentimes, when you don’t have anything left, or you’re like, “Okay, everyone, I just want to rest now.” What a shame, because you still have those opportunities, especially if the folks that you generally care for are at away camps or whatnot. So, having that foresight, something as simple as the fun file that we talked about early in the series, so that you have premeditated, like, “Wait a second, there are a few things I want to do or there are a few friends I want to catch up with.” Instead of what happens all too often. We always say it’s not going to right, but comedians abound talk about this. Three months will pass and be like, “Oh. Well, that didn’t happen, maybe next summer.” I mean, it’s just a shame, when all it would have taken is just a few minutes to get that momentum going. I think that’s what we really tried to do here, just those primes can be all it takes.
[0:03:18] PF: Yes. You bring up such a good point, because especially working moms. It’s funny because we have an episode coming up next week about our invisible jobs, and it really deals with that how we’re working full time. But then, we also have these invisible jobs at home, and we’re exhausted by the end of the week. So, even when you do have that opportunity for fun, you might turn it down just because you feel so depleted. I think what your email series really does is when you commit to it, then, especially mothers are good at not breaking commitments. It’s easier to break a commitment with yourself, but if you have made that commitment with a friend, we’re going to do this, then you’re going to go out.
It’s amazing how much it does fill you up when you go out and eat. As tired as you are or as much as you’re saying, “I’ve got all these other things to do”, it really does fill you up to go out and do those things and discover your fun habit.
[0:04:10] MR: Yes. We made it clear when we first connected that the idea isn’t to over prescribe your schedule. So, this isn’t meant to add on. It’s just so many folks do find themselves depleted, so they choose poor forms of leisure, because they essentially just want to displace that discomfort. It just wasn’t that great. So, let me do something that doesn’t really fill me up, but at least just pacifies the time. What we know is, even though it takes a little bit of effort, similar to kind of beginning exercise. When you do find a few things that are enjoyable within the balance of the cadence of your life, you actually have more energy later. That generally happens quickly.
So, I find folks that kind of – especially if they’re picking up an old hobby that they were good. That first week sometimes can actually not be that fun, because they’re like, “Oh my gosh. I used to be so good at the guitar.” But if you get past that first week. I mean, I can’t even think of an exception that makes the rule where folks were happy. This isn’t just conjecture, anecdotal from the folks I’ve worked with, researchers in this area. I often cite Cassidy Holmes, have looked at folks that do this, and then the hedonic flexibility principle supports this as well. Almost always, you go back and check in. You’re glad you did it. You feel invigorated. There’s still be an end. The classic example that 40-year-olds like to leave the party at 10, that’s fine. I mean, we should all get her sleep too.
But so many of us aren’t doing it because we’re afraid. Like, “Oh, I don’t want to stay out till two in the morning.” When you flex your agency, and autonomy, and actually enjoy your life, but in the confounds of the way that you want to organize, then you start to feel good about your days, and that has this ripple effect. So, it’s not just for you. So, if you’re like, “Okay. Well, that’s fine, but I feel this sense of guilt because I still want to serve others, serve my family.” Whether you’re a volunteer, or in a domestic partnership, the best way to show up is if you’re actually enjoying what you’re doing. There’s this concept called social contagion, where it’s not just about you, it’s about being happy when you’re in the presence of others too, because that’s contagious.
[0:06:24] PF: Yes. I think some of the actions that you gave us to do really helped us, like you talked about volunteer, do these things to get out, and make those social connections. That’s really, really important. As you said, the ripple effect that we have when we start implementing these actions into our lives and then make them a habit, it really does change things for us and for everyone around us.
[0:06:47] MR: Yes. We can set a low bar for volunteering. It’s always these thing, like, “Is it going to tell me to stop watching television?” or “Do I have to go pick up trash on the highway?” Volunteering can just be going to – you’re paying the price of a gala, where the whole thing is set up to be entertainment, but you feel like you’re also contributing. So, when you have that connection to something outside of yourself, so the hedonic sort of pleasure of it is also rooted in knowing you’re doing something good, then you get double benefit. Instead of something where it’s like, you’re just doing it for the sake of doing it. Oftentimes, that can be helpful. But some folks, it really does create what we call a moral injury. Because you’re like, “Oh, well, that was sort of a waste.”
Again, I could argue that it’s not, but if that does kind of create moral damage, then go do something that’s really enjoyable, that also makes you feel good about the purpose of the particular event. I just like to put that there, because people hear volunteering, and they think that it’s going to be a work. and it doesn’t have to be. You can lower the bar there.
[0:07:52] PF: That’s right. That’s a great point to make. As I was receiving these emails, as I was looking at them, I wondered if you had one particular fun habit that is your favorite, I guess, your go-to. What is that?
[0:08:03] MR: For me, I’ve been really playing with this idea of healthy hedonism. So, I was really turned off by – again, I’m not on social media that much, but my – kids are kids, so they are. So, I got introduced to this idea of hard 75. Are you familiar with this? It’s a trend on social media. where people were doing these very hardcore regimens to better themselves? So, it was like, all the things that you hear from folks like Huberman, but stacked in a crazy way. I wake up, I drink water, then I make sure I meditate for 30 minutes. Just things that essentially are almost impossible if you work at all. Okay, this is bananas.
So, I’m working on this concept, it’s sort of that anti-thesis to that, where, how can you add enjoyable aspects to the things that you want to get done? So, that’s really been my fun habit for the summer is, again, in line with activity bundling, which I talk about in the book. How can I make elements of things I probably should be doing a lot more enjoyable so that I do do them? So, that’s really been my “fun habit,” and it’s been really paying off. Because the thing is, when you get into that mode, again, the geeky term is valence. But when we enjoy something, we’re also drawn to it within reason.
So, it’s kind of putting accelerant on an upward spiral that I talk about. So, I’ve been really having a lot of fun, working out with people that I enjoy, planning hiking dates with one of my friends here to make sure that I get out in nature. But quite frankly, I almost forget it, because I really enjoy the conversation with this particular gentleman. So, those types of things really just – taking my own advice, but then doing it through the lens of betterment as well.
[0:09:53] PF: I like that.
[SPONSOR MESSAGE]
[0:09:54] PF: This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. We’ll be right back with the show. But right now, I’d like to take a moment to talk about self-care. Self-care is so important, especially during stressful times, but even when we know that, it’s often hard to make time for it. It seems like there are so many other things that take over our calendars and we end up making time for everyone but ourselves. One way to practice self-care is through therapy, and that’s where BetterHelp comes in.
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[EPISODE CONTINUES]
[0:11:08] PF: What if it’s things that you don’t enjoy that have to be done, like things around the house, things in your yard. I mean, summer times, it’s prime time for us to do all these home improvements, get these projects done. Again, that eats into our leisure time, our fun time. So, how do you do tasks like that and make them more enjoyable?
[0:11:29] MR: Yes. Anyone that’s heard me talk is probably sick of this, because I talk about it ad nauseum. But anyone familiar with James Clears’ work knows this well too. There’s this concept of temptation bundling, and so, all I do is throw on 90s hip-hop, because I can’t listen to it with my kids, because that would be a whole sidebar where I’m baffled about what gets through the parental filters of – now that everything is a story or – yes, I’m not going to listen to N.W.A with a nine and a 13-year-old in the house. So, I actually look forward to going out and doing stuff, which I didn’t before, because it’s my time to be able to get to enjoy that music. Since I pair that, it’s really fun memories folks back at home. Not only am I enjoying the music, but oftentimes, it brings back these really fun memories I had with friends in my hometown.
[0:12:21] PF: That’s an excellent way to do it. I love that.
[0:12:23] MR: It’s funny because you say it out loud and people are like, “Really? Fun is just adding enjoyable elements to my environment.” That’s exactly what it is.
[0:12:33] PF: It’s not a task, it’s not something we have to go out, and perform.
[0:12:37] MR: Yes. Exactly.
[0:12:38] PF: It’s just something we add in.
[0:12:39] MR: And you could push it off. We also know that there’s limits, so I think we talked about it last time. But in case we didn’t, there is a threshold where this becomes dangerous, right? So, let’s say you’re writing a book. The deep work that you need to do should be without error, or you want it to be a really good end product. That, you don’t want to couple with a comedy show running in the background, right? That’s not a good idea. Yes, it might be more enjoyable, but the thing you’re actually trying to accomplish is going to suffer.
Mowing the lawn by listening to 90s hip-hop, or what we call Dad rock now in big sound [inaudible 0:13:18]. That’s not going to harm mowing the lawn. So, I mean, you need to be careful, it’s within reason. But we know there’s a great study for, again, geeks like me that want to know the science. Katy Milkman did some work where folks who really like podcasts, she asked them to not listen to them until they went into the gym. What she found is, not only did the folks go into the gym more, but of course, they also enjoyed what they did. Because when you really are immense in something that’s enjoyable, you can often forget the thing that you’re actually supposed to do. So, it’s a really useful tool, again, as long as you do it within reason.
[0:13:56] PF: I love that. I was doing the email series as it came through, and I got so much out of it. One thing was that I realized things that I already had in place in my life, I wasn’t necessarily even putting in the fun column. I wasn’t even attributing it to that. So, I think that’s one thing it did for me, was gave me that intentionality and that visibility of like, “Oh, this is something I’m doing that is really good for me. One thing because we live out on a lake, and it’s a really busy time during the summer, and everything is outdoors during that summer. Then, you had some great ideas of exploring local culture. There were several things that you gave, like now, I’ve already started this fall fun file, things like, this would be great to do you know when the weather changes, when we’re not outside all the time.
[0:14:45] MR: Yes. I think that’s great method for extending the value if you did go through the course. Or even if you didn’t, I mean, a fun file is a pretty pedestrian entry way into this work. Again, even though it sounds easy, so many of us don’t do it. But if you just spend a few minutes thinking about what are some of the things that I’d like to enjoy, and I found that for me, it didn’t work, so I maybe left it out. But I’m finding that I’m the exception, not the rule. Have that list right on your desk, or by your bed stand. Because then, it serves as a moniker, like, “Oh, yeah, I haven’t looked at this for a week and I haven’t scheduled anything.” Again, the list should be short. We talk about it in the course, no more than 15 things and things that you can do. And if you haven’t crossed one off yet after two weeks, it’s going to nag at you. Like, wait a second. Two weeks have gone by and I haven’t done one thing fun. That’s a problem. Let’s figure out how to sort that out.
So, it really is reclaiming that agency and autonomy we all have. But oftentimes, we just forget about it because we get into our routines and we let time pass by. One of the crux that we didn’t talk about, just because it was really a summary course is, the underlying principle here really is attention. In the book, I cite work by Matthew Killingsworth. We know people that kind of get stuck in this mode of mind wandering all the time, even if they are doing things you know that, to your point, might have been enjoyable if they had kind of been mindfully doing them. They’re not really enjoying life. They’re just kind of on autopilot. So, some of this is bringing attention to, wait a second, I can do the things that I want. Maybe not all the time, but I certainly can integrate some of that into my life. So, many of us just don’t do that, especially the ones kind of stuck in the sandwich generation, as it were.
[0:16:36] PF: Another thing that this did for me, you talk about social connections and maybe doing a game night, things like that. So, we have a couple in Nashville that we get together with about once a month. It’s very loose, like, “Hey, what you guys doing?” So, we had gotten together, and we did this, one of those murder mystery games.
[0:16:52] MR: Nice.
[0:16:52] PF: I had such a great time. Then, I had just seen your email on talking about that, plan a game night. So, what we’ve done is we went through and we committed to, like every month, getting that, we’re switching off who gets the game, and doing that once a month. So now, it’s not just like, “Hey, what are you guys doing? When should we get together?” It’s on the calendar, we know we’re going to see them, and then becomes a priority. It’s also the anticipatory saver, and you’re looking forward to seeing them. You’re looking forward to this month’s game, things like that. It really was – it reframed how we were approaching our time together with them.
[0:17:27] MR: That’s so cool. I think one of the benefits of that too is, if you talk to an introvert and you say, “Let’s go to dinner theater.” They’re like, “Ah.” Because it’s a bunch of people they don’t know. But I haven’t hosted one personally yet, but I have been fortunate enough to go to a few over the last year. When it’s eight people that that introvert knows, oh my gosh, because – like they don’t have the opportunity to flex that because they don’t want to be around people they don’t know. But if it’s people they trust, they’re some of the most theatrical, they turn into characters around like, “Wait. What’s happening right now?”
[0:18:06] PF: Who are you?
[0:18:07] MR: I like when it’s in an intimate setting, because it really is more inclusive than – paying six of your friends and saying, “Hey, let’s go do this in a public sort of setting,” which might not be as fun for everyone.
[0:18:20] PF: Yes, that’s a great thing to keep in mind. We have talked about – this isn’t just a summer thing, this, you can use anytime. What I love is, it kind of – you’ve given us this toolkit of sorts to explore fun, to bring fun into our lives. So, what should someone do if they feel themselves slipping into fall and winter. The days get shorter and darker, and they feel themselves losing that sense of fun. What kind of things can they do as kind of a quick restart?
[0:18:49] MR: Yes. I think you just want to start from the beginning. If you have a list that you’ve already done, figure out how you can get it on your schedule. The two main tools that are kind of at the starting line are behavioral concepts, premeditation, and pre commitment. So, if your list is kind of dwindled, or you look at it and, “You know what? This wasn’t right, maybe I should kind of restructure it, start there, get the list, and then just make sure something gets on the calendar.
There’s always someone that’s like, “Well, what happens if I can’t do either one of those two?” Reach out to a fun friend. I mean, that is sort of rip cord, and they will always pull you out. If you at least have the strength to go, “I want to add a little bit more fun, you’re always doing something fun. Is there anything that I could tag along with?” Again, I’ve never heard someone say, “No, I don’t want you to have fun.”
[0:19:43] PF: No, this is my fun. You’ll find it around.
[0:19:44] MR: Yes. Those type of people, generally are the more the merrier type folks. They are like, “God, yes. Thank you. I should have invited you” is generally what you’ll heat. That meant, it’s the one, two, three. If you haven’t done the fun file, think about what it is you want to do. Maybe let it percolate a little bit, because oftentimes, at first blush, you’ll go back and go, “Ah” But if you can’t come up with a list at all, that’s kind of a separate issue. Then, just make sure you schedule a couple things. It’s that simple. In all of my research, especially preparing for the book, the main difference between folks that are living a joyful life versus those that don’t, and this is after 20. This isn’t in collegiate. But anyone who’s kind of left college that doesn’t have as much autonomy over their time are the ones that deliberately schedule it, as unfun as that sounds. But it’s such a small step, because once you get it on the calendar, it happens.
[0:20:45] PF: How important is it for us to start thinking about that? Now, I’m thinking I’ve got a couple of friends who really suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Once we hit like end of October, there’s a real skid into not wanting to do anything, not feeling like life is fun, it’s a really challenging time for them. So, how important is it for us to plan ahead on that, knowing if we have that issue, knowing that that’s going to be a problem?
[0:21:12] MR: Yeah, I want to be really careful again. As you know, my background is organizational psychology, and that is a real disorder. I mean, I have a light right in front of me, so I know what clinically can be helpful. So, I don’t want to suggest that precommitment is going to necessarily mitigate that, because it is a clinical condition. With the preface of that, I do think it’s helpful that if you have things to do, it generally indexes fun memories that can be used as resilience. I certainly benefited from that when I was in a malaise for a different reason, for losing my brother.
So, you can be in a place where you don’t necessarily identify as happy or joyful because of a biological predisposition or a big life change, like a divorce, or the loss of a loved one. And you can still organize your life in a way where you’re finding activities that bring you joy, that create those positive valence states. What we know is that those indexes and memories, one, again, create this kind of tapestry that will help most people with resilience. But two, it reminds you, you have agency and the autonomy, and to bring joy into your life, even during times where you find it more difficult.
[0:22:34] PF: That’s fantastic. So, I know we have to let you go, but I just had one last question, and that is, what do you hope that everyone gets out of this, out of doing this summer of fun series?
[0:22:43] MR: Yes. I hope it kind of slingshot themselves into fall, the ability to create a lot more joy in their life. I think so many of us just need that break in our routine and that reminder that like, “Wait a second, I do have more control.” So, I colorfully call it a bias towards fun. Just remember, life is kind of like going down a river, and there’s no way that we can completely control where the river is going to take us. Sometimes it’s going to pull us to the shitty side, but we have a lot more aptitude to be able to kind of steer it so that we have this pull to the better side, by making choices. And again, applying that attention to things that we do.
At the end of the day, it’s really just mindfulness repackaged, but in a way that where we’re using hedonic tone, the ability to bring joy into our life in a way that makes things more enjoyable. Then, also, hopefully, leads to betterment in this upward spiral, because we realize, like, wait a second, this is abundant, and I can always call it in. Even on the days where I get punched in my face.
[0:23:51] PF: Exactly. It’s like that Owl City song says, you can’t stop the waves, so learn how to surf.
[0:23:56] MR: Yes. I love that.
[0:23:57] PF: Well, Mike, thank you so much. Thank you for doing this series, for coming on this journey with us and for sharing what you know.
[0:24:02] MR: Likewise, I’m really grateful.
[0:24:04] PF: I’ve really enjoyed this.
[0:24:05] MR: Yeah, it’s been a blast.
[OUTRO]
[0:24:11] PF: That was Mike Rucker, talking about how we can make our summer of fun last long after summer has ended. Remember, even though summer is just about out of here, you can still sign up for the summer of fun email series to get a weekly reminder of how to bring more fun into your life. If you’d like to learn more, be sure to visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode. We hope you’ve enjoyed this episode of Live Happy Now. If you aren’t already receiving us every week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. While you’re there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That’s all we have time for today. We’ll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one.
