Self-Care | Live Happy

10 Things Happy People Don’t Do

Happiness is something we all strive to attain, and yet it can be a struggle to get there. Circumstances—not to mention genes—can have a major impact on our moods. But research shows that much of our happiness depends on small choices we make on a day-to-day basis. Here on livehappy.com, we have chronicled many of the practices that happy people do on a regular basis. But what about the potentially disastrous, joy-killing choices that some of us fall into without even realizing it? We thought it would be just as important to learn the top behaviors that the happiest people don’t do. 1. Happy people don’t worry too much about what others think Happy people are still human, and everyone cares a little about what others think. But the difference is that happy people don’t ruminate or obsess about others’ opinions of them. They value other people’s perspectives and are open to advice and guidance, but happy people ultimately stay true to their core beliefs and don’t waver from them—even if that means not fitting in with everyone else. 2. Happy people don’t waste time doing things they dislike While there are always going to be things we don’t like doing (laundry, taxes, etc.), happy people don’t waste time on activities that they don’t have to do and don’t enjoy. Happy people don’t spend time watching TV shows they don’t love; they don’t attend events that make them feel anxious; they don’t stay in careers that don’t fill them with joy. One of the greatest secrets of happy people is that they know what they don’t enjoy, and they don’t waste time on it out of a sense of fear, inertia or obligation. 3. Happy people don’t try to manipulate or change other people Happy people know that change is an inside job, and the only way people change is if they want to. This knowledge is essential to happy living because it means not wasting time trying to manipulate others. Most happy people aren’t shy about sharing their opinions or thoughts, but they’re aware that they cannot force transformation in others (and that trying to do so will only be a waste of time). Instead they focus on what they can do to take themselves out of a negative situation. 4. Happy people don’t allow themselves to stay stuck in the past Focusing too much on the past is one of the quickest ways to become unhappy, and this is something that happy people inherently know to be true. While happy people do pay attention to—and strive to learn from—things that have happened in the past, they’re careful not to spend too much time ruminating on what was. Happy people know that the present is much more valuable than the past, and they focus most of their attention on the now. 5. Happy people don’t obsess over what might happen in the future It’s important to plan for the future, but it’s detrimental to obsess and worry over what might happen. Happy people know that there are a great many things they cannot control, and the future is one of them. Rather than worrying about what could go wrong, happy people strive to prepare as best they can and then direct their attention back to the present moment. 6. Happy people don’t strive to achieve absolute perfection Perfectionism is the enemy of happiness, and happy people are well aware of this. Though they strive to do their best and aim high with their goals, they aren’t caught up in having “perfect” lives or being the “perfect” spouse, worker or parent. They don’t try to compare their real lives to those “highlight reel” images on Instagram and Facebook. Sometimes good enough is good enough. 7. Happy people don’t forget to be thankful for what they have One of the quickest ways to access lasting happiness is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Happy people spend more time thinking about what they’re lucky to have and very little time wishing for things they don’t have. They look for and find the silver lining in a bad situation, and are able to remind themselves of just how fortunate they are. 8. Happy people don’t value material possessions over experiences Scientific research has shown that people who use their money to buy experiences such as travel, sporting activities and outings to the theater enjoy a greater, more prolonged sense of happiness than those who spend money on objects. The happiest people seem to have figured this out; they value activities such as spending time with friends and family, traveling to new places and stepping outside of their comfort zones. 9. Happy people don’t seek fulfillment in the wrong places For happy people, fulfillment doesn’t come from the size of their bank accounts, the amount of likes on social media or the type of car they drive. Happy people see fulfillment in meaningful things—connections with others, spirituality and meaning, and rewarding career paths. They know that status symbols are not as valuable in the long run as a sense of belonging and giving back to the community and the world at large. 10. Happy people don’t stay in negative situations for long Perhaps most important of all, happy people don’t stay in negative situations or tolerate negative people in their lives. Happy people find a way to leave situations, careers and relationships that cause excessive amounts of stress. They avoid spending time with people who dwell on the negative. And under no circumstances do they tolerate emotional or physical abuse. While some people have, by default, happier temperaments than others, happiness is something that requires dedication and hard work. If you’re looking for more happiness in your life, don’t just think about the practices such as meditation, exercise and good sleep habits, but also consider this list of don’ts, so you won’t get stuck in a negativity trap. Dani DiPirro is an author, blogger and designer living in a suburb of Washington, D.C. In 2009, she launched the websitePositivelyPresent.comwith the intention of sharing her insights about living a positive and present life. Dani is the author ofStay Positive,The Positively Present Guide to Life and a variety ofe-books. She is also the founder of Twenty3, a design studio focused on promoting positive, modern graphic design and illustration.

Self-Care

Never Second-Guess Yourself Again

Do you ever get together with friends or family, have a great time but later second-guess something you did or said? If you replay events and often wish you could have a do-over, second-guessing could be robbing you of joy and self-esteem. Ruminating about our choices can make us feel pretty miserable. Here, our experts weigh in on why we do this and how we can stop. Build up your self-trust Second-guessing is often caused by not trusting ourselves. Self-doubt can happen as a result of critical parents, perfectionist tendencies, low self-confidence or pessimistic thinking. “When you are low in confidence,” says positive psychology expert Caroline Miller, “research shows that you are more likely to doubt your perceptions and judgment, and make you feel that you need the approval of others. This behavior can lead to depression, anxiety and procrastination.” (Caroline's upcoming book Authentic Grit looks closely at this phonemenon and many others affecting women and power.) “Lacking confidence in our judgments indicates a feeling that the world is out of control and that you don’t have the ability to ground yourself with your own positive choices, which is an indicator of pessimistic thinking,” Caroline explains. Pat Pearson, the author of Stop Self-Sabotage, says we torment ourselves with self-doubt because we are mirroring the people we grew up with, but we can change if we shift from negative to positive thinking. Here are six expert tips on how we can end the self-torment of second-guessing. 1. Notice and replace “The first step is to notice your negative thoughts and then intentionally intervene with a better thought,” Pat says. “When you tell yourself, ‘I will be fine,’ your mind doesn’t believe it, so instead, start a sentence with ‘I choose’ and say something you can believe. For example, say ‘I choose to do everything in my power to create a positive outcome.’” 2. Embrace risk-taking “Go outside your comfort zone when making decisions and decide you are going to risk failure or disapproval,” Caroline says. “Inevitably you will find that nothing disastrous happened, and you might even feel exhilarated from breaking free from the constant need for approval or praise. When we seek out the uncertain and unknown, we push into territory that could lead to our biggest wins. Playing it safe leads to mediocrity,” Caroline says. We can learn how to do this in small chunks, according to Caroline, by having small mastery experiences along the way and building up belief in ourselves. 3. Accept and redirect Accept that you won’t always get things right the first time. If something isn’t going as you hoped, take responsibility and intentionally redirect by tweaking your decisions. “If you always play it safe, you never have a chance to discover how strong and resilient you are, or how creative you can be in searching for solutions,” Caroline says. 4. Build up your self-trust Instead of acting in the moment, switch from your immediate self to your broader self and draw on your life experiences, goals and known abilities to get a full picture and make better decisions about what to say and do. Check in with yourself and learn to trust the broader person. 5. Embrace a growth mindset People who are fixated on doing and saying the right thing have a fixed mindset, Caroline explains. “When this is the case, they believe failure of any kind is a moral indictment as opposed to a learning situation to get better. We all can develop a growth mindset if we decide that mistakes are what allow our minds and abilities to get stronger, and in doing so, we become smarter, more successful and more persistent.” 6. Rewire your brain for self-compassion Practice self-compassion through a meditation called “loving-kindness,” Caroline suggests. Sit quietly and accept your thoughts as they come to you without forming judgments and send compassion to yourself and others. “This has been found to completely rewire the brain and help in situations where depression and low-confidence are chronic.” People who don’t question or berate themselves use skills like risk-taking, self-belief, positive self-talk and optimistic thinking to keep second-guessing at bay. With a little practice, we all can use these skills to stop second-guessing and enjoy life so much more. Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO ofTheMediaConcierge.net.

Self-Care

Are You Making This Common Parenting Mistake?

After relationship issues and personal growth, parenting ranks among the most pressing topics facing adults today. I am a parent, and I also talk to a lot of parents, both in my personal life and at work in my private practice as a therapist. Parenting is clearly an important and difficult job. We, as parents, are not only providing for the basic physical needs of our children, but we are often hyper-focused on their psychological needs as well. On top of that, we hold ourselves responsible for the implications of each of our decisions: We want to do the best job possible and not mess up our kids! This desire to be the best parent possible can translate into an unrealistic ideal of the super parent. Thanks a lot, Martha Stewart! When my daughter was in elementary school, she participated in a children’s book club in our neighborhood. Each family took a turn hosting with a theme-related activity, decorations and food. Parents went all out! When it was our turn to host, the book was about puppies. My daughter and I baked cookies in the shape of dog biscuits, we made a puppy-related art project and bought puppy plates. I really thought I had hit it out of the park when we bought little plastic bowls for the kids to drink out of instead of cups. To be honest, I felt like a very successful parent—something I struggled with because I worked outside of the home. One mom arrived early and complimented all that we had done but then critically asked why I did not have puppy ears for the kids to wear. In hindsight I now see that she was inconsiderate and ridiculous, but at the time I was truly crushed. It took me a few minutes to regroup, because her judgmental question launched me into a state of insecurity and worry. We put so much pressure on ourselves that it’s easy to feel that we have somehow failed, or at least not met expectations. Underpraised and overburdened The drive to be a super parent can leave you feeling stressed out, depressed, guilt-ridden and like a complete failure. Trying to be and do everything at a level of perfection will only lead to exhaustion and unhappiness, and set a poor example for our children—the very people we are trying to nurture, teach and please. Typically the need to be a super parent emerges from these three areas: Expectations: Whether set by our own standards or those we perceive from society, expectations cause us to stop focusing on what is emotionally best for our families. This creates too much pressure, which can lead to guilt, disappointment, frustration and sadness. Comparison/envy: Sometimes we are so busy looking at what other people are doing that we lose focus on what is best for our family. While it is tempting to try to keep up with, or even outdo, a neighbor’s over-the-top birthday party, it may not be what your child wants, or what you can afford. Insecurity: The need for perfection can be rooted in insecurity. We may feel overextended and worry that we are not devoting enough time and energy to parenting. That can lead to skewed perceptions of what is good, healthy and desirable. Let’s stop trying to be super parents and focus on being good parents instead. Good parents allow room for error and fatigue, accept their imperfections and model to their children that trying your best is what is important. Good parents focus on the well-being and happiness of themselves and their family.

Self-Care

How Healthy Are Your Money Habits? [Quiz]

When I think about what brings people the greatest unhappiness, money and money matters are always at the top of the list. While we don’t always have control over our financial situation, we can control whether our spending habits are healthy or in need of life support. Take this quiz and assess how well you are handling your part of the money equation. 1. I plan my spending budget in advance. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 2. I make sure not to spend everything I earn. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 3. I avoid impulse purchases for myself. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 4. I take the time to learn how to manage my finances so that I can continually improve. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 5. Even if it is uncomfortable or I’m afraid of what I’ll see, I look at my bills promptly so that I can make sure they are taken care of on time. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 6. If I am having a bad day and need a lift, if I choose to spend money, I monitor my expenses and manage my emotions. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 7. If I am uncertain about how to handle a financial situation, I reach out for guidance from someone who has more expertise or experience. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 8. I treat myself by buying myself things I can afford, so that I do not always feel deprived. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 9. I am prepared if faced with a big expense, like a repair to my home or car. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 10. When it comes to my finances, I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 11. I balance my lifestyle with my earnings so that I can be financially stress-free. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 12. I know exactly how much money comes in and how much goes out. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER 13. I feel good about my financial situation. A. ALWAYS B. SOMETIMES C. NEVER If most of your answers were: A: You have a strong hold over your finances and the behaviors and emotions connected with them. You tend to be responsible with your money and are advanced in this area. Keep a consistent eye on your financial situation, though, as sometimes successful people can grow too comfortable and stop being careful. B: You are successful in some areas when it comes to money and managing your finances. Continue putting effort into your strongest areas and pay close attention your weaker ones. Consider reaching out to your support system or an expert who can help guide you. If your weaker areas fall into the emotional realm, consider working on the emotions affecting your habits. If you struggle with your income, financial stability, etc., develop a plan that will put you on sturdier footing. C: You need to work on your finances and financial well-being. If you don’t feel educated and informed enough, reach out to financial experts and read books and online articles to help you grow. If emotional baggage is getting in your way, work through those issues so that you can handle your finances in a less emotional way. Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is an editor at large for Live Happy, and the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know.

Self-Care

5 Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Emotional Closet

Around this time of year, you’re bound to see loads of articles about spring cleaning. And with the rise of Marie Kondo’s bestselling book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, decluttering has taken on a near-spiritual status. Spring is a time of rebirth, and just as we like to open the windows and give the house new light and new life, it is also the perfect time to break out the vacuum cleaner and clean out our emotional closets, where the dust-bunnies of fear and mildew of stagnation take hold. Cleaning out a closet has its challenges: Do you keep the much-loved sweater that is stained? Should you hang on to the jeans you swear you’ll fit into again someday? So it comes as no surprise that facing what’s in your emotional closet will take a little courage, patience and dedication. But if you follow these steps, you’ll kick off spring with a well-organized and freshly polished state of mind. Step 1: Take inventory The first step for cleaning out anything—emotional or otherwise—is to take a look at everything and see what you have. When it comes to emotional housekeeping, this means making time to write down what’s going on in the main areas of your life: work, home, relationships and love. What’s working well in these areas? What would you like to change? You may want to think about the fundamental building blocks of well-being according to positive psychology (PERMA), and see how you stack up there. Do you feel you have enough meaning in your life? Do you lack a sense of achievement at work, and are you engaged with the world around you? Step 2: Let go of what’s not working Just as you’d throw away worn-out T-shirts if you were cleaning out your closet, now is the time to identify and remove (or try to minimize) whatever no longer works for you emotionally. This could be a grudge you’ve been holding on to for years, a job you dread going to every day, or even a friend who no longer shares your values. This step is hard. When it comes to at-home organization, this is usually where people give up and just shove everything back into the closet. Doing the emotional work of letting go of things you’ve held on to but that no longer serve you can be painful, but the more negativity you remove, the more space you’ll have for positivity. Step 3: Give back what you can When it comes to actual closet cleaning, you would donate what you no longer need to friends or a charity. While you probably can’t do this with emotional cleaning (you can’t recycle a job, can you?), this is a good time to think about what you can give back to the world. Do you have special talents or skills? Are you a good friend, parent or co-worker? Are you able to donate time, money or efforts to a good cause? We all possess certain emotional skills that others can benefit from, and giving back to others can positively impact your emotional well-being. Step 4: Decide what you need more of After you identify what you no longer want and can give to others, it’s time to assess what you need more of in your life. Refer back to what you wrote in Step 1. What steps can you take right now to get more of what you need? For example, if you wrote that you’d like more affection from your partner, now’s the time to ask for it. Or, if you realized you need more alone time, tell your family you’ll be taking an hour to relax solo. Take steps to improve your well-being by actively creating the life you want. Step 5: Keep working at it Organized people keep their closets (and the rest of their rooms) arranged neatly by doing little bits of tidying every day. Keep your emotional closet clean by doing frequent check-ins. One of the best ways to do this is by keeping a journal. Checking in daily with the notes you made in Step 1 is the equivalent of putting things away as soon as you get home every night. For some, daily check-ins might be a bit much, but resolve to keep tabs on your emotional state at least once a week. Doing so will help you stay on track—and will prevent having to do a deep-down clean-out in the future. Dani DiPirro is an author, blogger and designer living in a suburb of Washington, D.C. In 2009, she launched the website PositivelyPresent.com with the intention of sharing her insights about living a positive and present life. Dani is the author of Stay Positive, The Positively Present Guide to Life and a variety of e-books. She is also the founder of Twenty3, a design studio focused on promoting positive, modern graphic design and illustration.

Self-Care

Win a Happiness Makeover Worth up to $3,000!

If you’re following our 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, you might be wondering how you can experience the same incredible one-on-one expert coaching that has transformed the lives of Live Happy staffers Donna, Kim, Chris, Susan and Shelley. Here’s your chance! Our extraordinary team of coaches has agreed to give two Live Happy readers an intensive, three-month “happiness makeover” with the coach of their choice. Each makeover has a value of approximately $3,000, and you can win one simply by telling us—in 300 words or fewer—how you believe you’d be happier if you overcame an obstacle related to anxiety, goal setting, sleep problems, communicating with another person or difficulty unplugging from work. Your essay must reach us at editor@livehappy.com by March 31, 2016 (see the complete contest rules here). If you’re struggling with anxiety: Choose Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and managing director of the Anxiety Treatment Center of Greater Chicago. Your coaching will include: 10 coaching sessions, up to 60 minutes each, by phone or Skype. Email contact in between as needed. Handouts relevant to your coaching (provided by email). Recommendations of books and other media. If you would like to improve communications with a loved one or a coworker: Choose Michele Gravelle, executive coach, communications expert and consultant with The Triad Consulting Group. Your coaching will include: A total of six one-hour coaching calls over a period of three months. Worksheets to be used in preparing for high-stakes conversations. Summary document of key tools that can be used to improve your personal communication skills. Autographed copy of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Doug Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. Autographed copy of Thanks for the Feedback by Doug Stone and Sheila Heen. If you are plagued by poor sleep: Choose Michael Breus, Ph.D., a board-certified sleep specialist in Los Angeles and best-selling author of Good Night: The Sleep Doctor's 4-week Program to Better Sleep and Better Health and The Sleep Doctor’s Diet Plan: Lose Weight Through Better Sleep. Your coaching will include Initial 50-minute consultation by phone or Skype. Review of weekly sleep diary. Review of specialized questionnaire designed to identify cognitive misperceptions around sleep. Sleep “prescription,” including changes in sleep hygiene and, if appropriate, sleep restriction and relaxation training. Weekly check-ins by email or phone with appropriate adjustments to sleep program. Signed copy of The Sleep Doctor’s Diet Plan. If you’d like to identify goals and map out a plan to achieve them: Choose Caroline Miller, MAPP, a professional coach, author, speaker and educator. Her book, Creating Your Best Life, is the first evidence-based book to connect the science of happiness with the science of goal setting. Caroline gave an acclaimed TEDx talk on grit in 2014, a topic she will cover in her upcoming book, Authentic Grit. Your coaching will include: Nine 1-hour coaching calls spread out over three months. An evaluation of your signature “VIA Character Strengths” survey. Guidance through evidence-based activities to clarify goals and the path to pursue them with the greatest chance of achieving success. These activities include “Best Possible Future Self” and “Me at My Best.” If you’d like to learn how to unplug from your digital devices and bring greater ease into your life: Choose Christine Carter, Ph.D., sociologist and senior fellow at University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work. Your coaching will include: 12 weekly 50-minute coaching calls by phone or Skype over the course of four months. Accountability check-ins by email. Intensive problem solving by email or phone to resolve issues as they arise. Unfortunately you can only choose just one coach (we know; they’re all amazing). Good luck—and enter today: editor@livehappy.com.

Self-Care

28 Days of Love

Make February a month of love!We continue our Year of Happiness with 28 days of love. Pick and choose your favorite ideas from our list of things to do, watch, read, contemplate…and share! 1. Read anything by Nicholas Sparks. 2. Listen to"I Melt with You” by Modern English. 3. “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” —Lao Tzu 4. Listen to "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros 5. Clip out a “Love Is…” cartoon. 6. Watch Hachi: A Dog's Tale 7. Listen to “The Heart of Life” by John Mayer 8. “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” —Martin Luther King Jr. 9. Order a heart-shaped pizza for the family. 10. Listen to “All You Need Is Love” by The Beatles. 11. Watch Say Anything. 12. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”—Albert Einstein 13. Leave notes around the house for your spouse and kids saying, “I love you.” 14. Listen to"Your Song" by Elton John. 15. Watch On Golden Pond. 16. Send flowers. 17. Read Chicken Soup for the Soul Love Stories by Jack Canfield, Peter Vegso and Mark Victor Hansen 18. Listen to “The Luckiest” by Ben Folds 19. Make your spouse’s or friend’s favorite meal for them. 20. “We love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving.” —Friedrich Nietzsche 21. Read Love You Forever by Robert Munsch 22. “The love of family and the admiration of friends is much more important than wealth and privilege.” —Charles Kuralt 23. Date night! 24. Listen to“The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics 25. Read Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White 26. Watch Romeo and Juliet. 27. “Love is a flower—you've got to let it grow.” —John Lennon 28. Read one of the books from the 5 Love Languages series.

Self-Care

5 Tips to Make Healthy Habits Stick

If we want to improve our habits, where should we begin? In my book Better Than Before, I identify 21 strategies that we can use to make or break our habits. That’s a lot of options! It’s a good idea to start by tackling the habits that most directly strengthen self-control, which we need if we’re going to keep any of our other good habits. These five habits will protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves better. 1. Get at least seven hours of sleep For many of us, those last hours of the day are time to play or relax, but the fact is, we need sleep. Lack of sleep affects mood, memory, immune function—it even contributes to weight gain. Most adults need at least seven hours of sleep a night. 2. Go for a 20-minute walk Physical activity is the magical panacea for practically everything. Exercise relieves anxiety, boosts energy and mood, improves memory, sharpens executive function and contributes to weight maintenance. It both energizes and calms us. You don’t need to train for a marathon or go to an hour-long spin class. The biggest health boost goes to those who are consistent about being less sedentary. 3. Don't let yourself get too hungry Because the brain needs energy to manage impulses, paradoxically, one of the best ways to avoid impulsive overeating (or any bad habit) is to eat enough. Also, skipping meals can lead to a whole day of bargaining and bad choices. 4. Take time to unclutter Most of us get a real lift when we put things in their place, tackle nagging tasks, clear surfaces and get rid of junk. This surge of energy makes it easier to ask more of ourselves, to use our self-control and to stick to a challenging habit. One of the most popular habits for boosting happiness and productivity? Make your bed. Also, if you can do something in less than one minute, do it without delay. This eliminates the scrim of clutter on the surface of life. 5. Give yourself healthy treats Unlike a reward, which must be earned or justified, a “treat” is a small pleasure or indulgence that we give to ourselves just because we want it. We don’t have to be “good” to get it, we don’t earn it or justify it. Giving ourselves “treats” may sound self-indulgent or frivolous, but it’s not. When we give ourselves treats, we feel energized, cared for and contented, which boosts our self-command. It’s a Secret of Adulthood: If we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves. Self-regard isn’t selfish. What are some healthy treats? Browsing through art books, cookbooks or travel guides; taking photographs; napping; looking at family albums; putting on perfume; coloring in a coloring book; learning a new magic trick. Be wary of the most popular unhealthy treats, however. Food and drink, screen time and shopping can be healthy treats for some, but many people should steer clear. We don’t want to do something to make ourselves feel better that just ends up making us feel worse. These five areas build on each other. Start with one area, and go from there, as you make your habits better than before. Gretchen Rubin is the bestselling author ofThe Happiness Project, Happier at Home andBetter than Before. She is one of the most influential writers on happiness today, and has become an in-demand speaker and keynoter. Learn more atGretchenRubin.com.

Self-Care

8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine’s Day

Valentine's Day has become the yearly symbol of all that is special in a romantic relationship: adoration, appreciation, love. It is the calendar's trigger for us to exhibit our emotions, be it with material gifts or sentimental expressions of love. In many couples, one or both of the partners anxiously await this holiday as the one time of year where they feel doted upon in a special way. Valentine’s Day—or at least the expressions of love and caring that come with it—should take place every day, not just on February 14, and not just because there are pink and red hearts in all the shop windows. Kindness and generosity John Gottman is a psychologist who has been researching couples for more than 40 years. He has developed a method to determine whether or not a relationship is happy, and whether or not it will last for the long term. Specifically, he discovered that couples that exhibit kindness and generosity toward each other have better chances at long-term success and happiness. Read more: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship The attributes of kindness and generosity come easier to some more than others. That said, being kind to our partners can be learned through practice and diligence. One way to have a more fulfilling and happy relationship is to make the exhibitions of love that happen on Valentine's Day an everyday occurrence. Find ways to let your partner know that you love and appreciate him or her on a daily basis. Make the effort, just not all at once We are not saying you need to do all of the practices every day! These are ideas—Valentine’s Day-style romantic efforts that can be worked into everyday life. Here are eight terrific ways to get started. 1. Leave love notes on sticky notes and leave them around your house in hidden places (not too hidden) such as on a toothbrush, inside of a suitcase before travel or on the dashboard of the car. 2. Take five to 10 minutes out of your day to tell your partner all of the things that you love about him or her, everything from "You have a nice smile" to "I appreciate that you always make the coffee for me in the morning." 3. Leave a sexy or romantic message on the bathroom mirror your partner can find when going to bed at night or getting ready to leave in the morning. Read more: When it Comes to Love, Are You Mindful or Meh? [Quiz] 4. Surprise your partner by taking over one of his or her chores for the day. If your partner typically takes out the trash, let him or her be surprised by discovering you have already done it. Tell your partner you were trying to make his or her day a little bit easier. 5. Try to listen to your partner more attentively every day. Most of us are so busy and distracted that we do not always completely listen to what our partners are telling us. Make a concerted effort to focus, listen and respond in an attentive way. 6. Surprise your partner with a favorite treat. Stop by and pick up a doughnut or favorite coffee drink, and bring home, or drop it at the office when your partner doesn’t know that you’re coming. 7. In the middle of a busy day, check in and send a kind and loving email or text to your partner. Let your partner know you have been thinking about him or her, ask how his or her day is going, or just say how grateful you are to have them in your life. Read more: Redefining Love 8. Carve out some extra time to be attentive to your partner’s needs. Ask how you can make your partner’s day easier today, and then do your best to accomplish doing just that. These ideas will not only enhance your relationship, but you will also find that you’ve started a cycle that reverberates and creates more happiness for both of you—with or without the pink and red candy hearts. Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Self-Care

8 Great Happiness Perks You Get From Exercise

Even if you’ve never experienced the elusive runner’s high, you probably know exercise can make you happier. Scientific research has shown there are countless connections between mind and body; to simplify a complicated process: exercise boosts dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that make us feel happier. What’s more, many kinds of exercise can put us in a wonderful “flow” state, which is one of the hallmarks of well-being, according to positive psychology. Beyond happy chemicals, though, here are eight more surprising ways exercise makes us happier. 1. Leads to achievements When we have a goal, we become more engaged with life and excited about the future. Whether it’s jogging your first mile without stopping or exercising three times a week, having a goal initially sparks enthusiasm, and then making progress toward that goal really fuels our commitment and makes us feel good. It may even motivate us to plan and accomplish other goals! 2. Creates “me” time Picture your exercise time as a mini-retreat for some healthy “me” time. We often think of “me” time as sitting by a fire with a cup of tea or reading a book, but a good sweat session can help you let go of stress, increase your energy and think with clarity. Even on those days when you aren’t in the mood to move, you will always feel better after you exercise, because when you feel fully charged, it’s much easier to be happy. 3. Retains your quality of life as you age Staying in good cardiovascular shape and using your muscles can help prevent injuries and illness as you age. It also can help you with everyday movements (functional fitness) that involve lifting, carrying, bending and stretching as you get older. Retaining your quality of life is an essential ingredient to your future happiness. 4. Pushes you beyond your normal limits Whether it’s going to a spin class, signing up for your first 5K or doing yoga for the first time, exercise is an opportunity to challenges yourself—to do something that scares you simply for the sense of exhilaration you’ll feel. When you do something outside your comfort zone, you may just surprise yourself with your abilities and gain an incredible sense of satisfaction and pride. 5. Leads to social connections Gym memberships, group fitness classes, charitable walks and running groups are all opportunities to connect with others, which is big when it comes to happiness. Be a part of a healthy group of friends and watch your mood soar. 6. Inspires those around you Let your actions speak for you. Lace up your sneakers, trot off to the gym or take a long bike ride. Your children will notice. Show your kids that physical activity is something you value and they will value it as well. Plus, you never know who else you might be inspiring, such as a parent or coworker. 7. Builds up your self-confidence Doing what you set out to do and sticking with it is the fastest way to invest in your self-confidence. Savor the amazing feeling of making exercise a habit, getting stronger or enjoying clothes again. As your muscles grow stronger, so will your self-esteem. 8. Brings out the kid in you Remember the days of running around outside for hours and coming in smelling of fresh air? Tap into that childhood freedom by finding an exercise that feels more like play, whether it’s a game of pick-up basketball or a joyful Zumba class. Added perk? You will sleep like a baby. Read more: Healthy From the Inside Out: 5 Tips to Get Fit Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO ofTheMediaConcierge.net.

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