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Lea Davison Finds Meaning on the Mountain Bike

Mountain biker Lea Davison competed at her first Olympic Games in 2012 in London, and she’s on track to race again this summer in Rio. In London, she was just happy to make the team after rebounding from a serious hip injury that benched her for an entire season. “Just making it to the Olympics was a dream come true. Everyone says that, but it’s true,” says Lea, who’s 33 and from Jericho, Vermont. “To say I’m an Olympian has been my goal since I was a kid.” She, too, knew that if she was going to perform her best at the Olympics, she had to forget about all the hype—the pressure from the crowds, the media, her sponsors. “I was nervous for months beforehand, but you have to get that out of the way. On the morning of the race, I was able to be calm,” Lea says. “You try to treat it like any other race. Sure, there’s a lot of hoopla surrounding it—it’s the Olympics. But I just kept reminding myself, ‘This is just another bike race. You know how to do this.’” She ended up 11th place in women’s mountain biking and says walking into the closing ceremony alongside her American teammates was her proudest moment. “To hear the roar of the crowd was very powerful,” she says. “Seeing your country behind you and all of that support, it was just quite a moment.” Finding authentic happiness When Lea was a college student at a liberal arts school in Vermont, she took a positive psychology course. In the class, Lea, who grew up ski racing and started mountain biking competitively in high school, read Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. She learned about the three dimensions of happiness, as described in the book. First is the simplest form, which Martin calls the pleasant life—Lea describes this as “eating a Girl Scout cookie and being happy for the next 10 minutes.” The second state, called the good life, is about finding your own strengths and using them to improve your life. Lea says she found this easily when she discovered mountain biking. “You have to be present and in the moment when you’re navigating these trails and courses,” she says. The third and deepest level of happiness Martin calls the meaningful life, which is when we use our powers for the greater good. That, Lea says, took longer for her to find. Lea graduated college in 2005 and dedicated herself to a career as a professional mountain biker. In 2008, she and her sister, Sabra, decided to start a nonprofit organization called Little Bellas, which aimed to get young girls in their home state of Vermont into mountain biking. The program took off and they now have chapters nationwide to introduce girls ages 7 to 13 to the sport they love. Little Bellas is what helped Lea find her most meaningful life. “It’s worthy to go after your goals and see how far you can push yourself, but it’s essentially a very selfish pursuit. It’s all about how fast I can turn the pedals over,” she says. “But helping these young girls become themselves and figure out what they can do, that is what brings me true happiness.” “As an athlete matures, he or she begins to recognize a world that is bigger than just them,” says JasonJason Richardson, a former World Champion and Pan-Am Games gold medalist in BMX racing, who is now a psychologist working with Olympic athletes. “Even the best do not find as much meaning in just performing well in the arena when they become older and wiser. This is not to say that they are no longer competitive. It is to say that winning doesn’t have the same meaning as it did when they were a rookie.” Gaining perspective Cycling, Lea says, has provided her with many life lessons. “I could get wrapped up in all the details and be very narrow focused,” she says. “But sometimes, you have to just step back and look up from the trail and realize how beautiful this place is. You have to take in the bigger picture because there’s always something to be grateful for.” So we can’t all be Olympians, but we can watch them from afar, cheer for them as they take on the hurdles of their competition. We can take a piece of their experience and let it inspire us to live more meaningful lives. “We all should tune into the Olympics because those are the people who are taking risks and putting it all on the line,” says executive coach and author Caroline Miller. “When you see people giving it their best, you become awed and inspired. And when you’re awed, people tend to look up, figuratively and emotionally. It causes people to want to be better than they are already.”

Anita Alvarez and Mariya Koroleva at the Rio Olympics

Self-Care

Two Swimmers Get in Sync at the Rio Olympics

Leading up to the Games in Brazil, synchronized swimming duet partners Anita Alvarez and Mariya Koroleva often spent 24 hours a day together. They’re in the pool training for long hours, they sleep in the same hotel room, and they have meals side by side. “We start to understand each other and we learn everything about each other,” says Anita, who at age 19 is making her Olympic debut. “It’s important to have that bond and connection not just in the pool but also outside the pool. I can’t imagine going into this intense competition without her there.” “It’s nice to have someone going through the exact same thing as you, especially in the hard times, after a long training day,” adds Mariya, 26, who competed at the 2012 Olympics with a different duet partner and placed 11th. “After you compete together and you have a good score, it’s even more exciting to be able to share it with someone. It’s not just your success.” Studies have shown that athletes who train in groups are more motivated and experience less pain than those who train alone. Plus, they’re happier. “People are happier when they’re training and celebrating their victories with other people. They need a team around them,” Executive coach Caroline Miller says. “It’s not just about getting what you want, it’s about getting what you want and celebrating with someone else.” Mariya, who was born in Russia but moved to the U.S. as a child, underwent back surgery just six months before her last Olympic appearance. She was forced to rush her recovery process in order to compete at the last Olympics and during the Games, she loaded up on pain medication to ease the throbbing in her back. But still, she says, it was worth it for that feeling of walking in the opening ceremony and knowing she had made it. “It’s important to remember nothing that you accomplish that’s great is going to be easy,” Mariya says. “If you’re having a hard time, remember that it’s supposed to be hard. You have to keep pushing through and fighting for what you want. The harder it is, the happier you’re going to be.” “There’s science behind this, too,” says Jason Richardson, a former World Champion and Pan-Am Games gold medalist in BMX racing, who is now a psychologist working with Olympic athletes. “When an athlete suffers injury or great loss and finds victory again, it’s more meaningful,” he says, “because the true win is not just in their sport, but also the internal struggle within themselves.”

Education

Does Grit Outweigh Talent?

You may remember this experience from your time at school: The principal stood in the auditorium and asked all the kids on the honor roll to stand up and come to the stage, while the rest of the students stayed seated and were instructed to clap. Awards ceremonies like these are intended not only to celebrate the successful students but also to inspire and motivate the other kids to strive for the honor next time around. But Angela Duckworth, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, believes that these well-intentioned scenes actually serve to cement kids’ place in school as either part of the “smart” or “not so smart” groups. “Kids really buy into the idea that they are innately capable or not,” she says. Yet Angela’s research has shown that academic achievement doesn’t come down to the IQ one is born with. What makes the difference is grit—hard work, practice and unyielding determination. In her new book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Angela presents her decade’s worth of research proving that grit trumps talent when it comes to success and satisfaction, whether you’re a freshman trying to make it through the grueling initiation at West Point, an athlete going for gold or a salesperson trying to make your numbers. Grit became an instant New York Times best-seller and sparked a “grit revolution” with readers professing to work toward their goals with renewed vigor and dedication. But the ultimate audience for Angela’s message, she hopes, is kids. As a former teacher, Angela’s personal mission and the ultimate goal of her lab work at the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center is to “use psychological science to help kids thrive.” Grit, Angela has found, is a key component in helping students reach their full potential. But how do you teach grit? After all, we all probably heard the platitudes “Practice makes perfect” and “Don’t give up!” thousands of times when we were growing up—not one of which made us study harder, sit at the piano longer or play baseball better. Angela spoke with Live Happy about meaningful ways to encourage children to work hard, love learning and flourish. Model possibilities “It’s not about the slogans you put on posters,” Angela says. And it’s not about drilling kids—Tiger-Parent–style—on their multiplication tables or periodic elements. “I’ve been in the position as a teacher where a kid keeps getting a problem wrong and it’s frustrating,” she says. “But when you let your exasperation show through your body language, facial expression and behavior, it sends a strong message that you’ve given up on the student. Kids pick up on that. Instead of thinking ‘This kid just can’t learn it’ when he or she struggles, we should ask ourselves, ‘What’s another way to teach this? What could I do differently?’ ” Adults should be as resilient in our teaching as we want our kids to be in their learning, she believes. “The best piece of advice I can give parents and teachers is to model a genuine sense of possibility for your kids.” Encourage self comparisons When you divide kids up in ways that make some feel like they are smart and others feel like they are not, Angela says, no one is motivated to do better. “I’d rather schools send the message to students that they are a team that is all learning things together, and that all kids learn at different rates. Students should only compare themselves to what they’ve done in the past. I think that’s the most meaningful way to learn and improve.” Angela’s suggestion for everyone, especially kids, is to compare yourself to your “yesterday self” and improve upon it. Is your kid reading more sophisticated books than she was two months ago? That is worthy of applause. Foster a passion Central to Angela’s conception of grit is following your passion. After all, it’s tough to stay motivated if you don’t ultimately love and enjoy what you’re doing. She’s a proponent of picking one or two top-level, passion-aligned goals and organizing the rest of your life around them. But with kids, the calculus is different. “Interests need to be discovered, and it’s a messy and inefficient and fun process. Kids need to be on the track team before they can realize they don’t like the track team,” she says. The hobbies don’t have to be formalized, either. Your child may enjoy being in a dance troupe, for example, but baking at home is just as much an “activity.” In later elementary and middle school, adolescents can begin to understand what it means to intensify an interest. “It’s such a wonderful and exciting thing when a kid gets into something.” So gently encourage your children or students to see what it would be like to delve deeper into things, Angela advises. “Novelty is so enticing, particularly for youth, so you have to find novelty within the same interest.” If your son loves cooking, spend lots of time whipping up omelets, of course, but sign him up for a nutrition class, too. If your daughter enjoys chess, introduce her to tournaments as well as other strategy games like backgammon or Dungeons & Dragons. Fall down, stand up Setbacks are a part of every learning curve, and your kids look to you to learn how to handle failure. So when you run more slowly than you had hoped in the 5K or when you don’t land the job or client you wanted, talk through the problem out loud. Explain what led to the disappointment—you didn’t get in enough practice runs, say, or you didn’t research the company deeply enough—and what you can do better next time. And don’t give up! Sign up for another race, and go after another client. By showing that losing can mean learning, your child won’t want to quit baseball the first time he strikes out. “A big part of grit is being optimistic and overcoming frustration,” Angela explains. Losing is a great opportunity to show the difference that practice can make, too. “Young kids shouldn’t spend all their time in serious- or goal-minded pursuits, but there can still be room for tiny amounts of practice in their days that continue to grow as they get older,” Angela says. Try it for two years By the time kids reach high school, Angela believes they should settle into a few favorite extracurricular activities. Not that they can’t or shouldn’t keep trying new things, but teenagers and beyond would do well to follow Angela’s two-year-rule: “Stick to one activity for at least two years. When you come back for another season of, say, field hockey or debate, you’ve grown. You learn different lessons from it and you bring different and valuable perspectives to it.” That doesn’t happen when you hop around from the Spanish Club one year to the cheerleading squad the next and guitar lessons another. Angela’s team has found that students who demonstrate progression—“they become a section editor and then editor-in-chief of the school paper over the course of high school,” Angela gives as an example—are more successful in college. And way, way beyond. The grit that builds confidence in kids and enables collegiate success can lead to a lifetime of joy. When any of us put time and effort toward pursuing a passion, we are richly rewarded with a strong sense of self-worth and a belief in ourselves and life’s possibilities…or in other words, happiness. What more could we want for our kids? Hear Angela speak about the importance of positive education in our podcast, here. To read more about Grit, see our book summary here. Patty Onderko is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in SUCCESS magazine and elsewhere.

Self-Care

Olympic Kayaker Michal Smolen Goes With the Flow

Elite-level athletes have mastered the art of staying calm in high-stress moments, they’ve learned to find joy even in harshly competitive situations, and they realize they perform their best when they’re at ease and relaxed. Those are skills any of us can develop. Take Michal Smolen, the professional slalom kayaker making his first Olympic appearance in Rio. When Michal slides into the seat of his kayak, the rest of the world disappears. It’s just him and the water, flowing down-river in an endless stream. Maybe his comfort in his boat comes from the fact that he’s been kayaking competitively since he was a kid. Or maybe he’s just figured out how to quiet his mind, even when the pressure is on. “It’s a matter of not letting any expectations affect me,” Michal says. “I have to leave all that behind and just tell myself that I’m doing what makes me happy. If I’m flexible, relaxed and focused, I can cancel out anything that gets in my way.” Psychologists call this “flow state,” and it’s proven to boost performance and mental focus. “In a flow state, you are completely involved in the activity and time starts flying,” says Wendy Suzuki, Ph.D., professor of neural science and psychology at New York University and author of Healthy Brain, Happy Life. “In this state, worry and ego are not engaged, and you can focus totally on the task at hand. Part of being relaxed, at ease, and having fun is finding a way to enter the flow state where focus can be fully directed at the activity.” Michal, 22, lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, where the U.S. National Whitewater Center is located. He would have been a top contender on the U.S. Men’s Kayak Team at the 2012 Olympic Games in London if a citizenship snag hadn’t gotten in the way. Michal moved to America with his family from Poland when he was 10 years old. His father, Rafal Smolen, was a member of the Polish National Kayak Team and is now a coach for the U.S. Olympic team. A life of competition Michal got into kayaking early but soon discovered he had a fear of water, and at 13, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. He put kayaking on hold, sorted out the proper medication to minimize his seizures, and he joined the swim team, hoping to conquer his water anxiety. It worked. “I wanted to be like Michael Phelps—I was very ambitious as a kid,” he says. “I started doing really well at swimming, but it wasn’t bringing me the same enjoyment as kayaking. So I switched back.” By high school, Michal was one of America’s best young slalom kayak racers, getting fourth place at the Junior World Championships at age 16. By 2012, he placed second at the Olympic trials, but he learned too late that his U.S. citizenship papers would take longer than he thought. He was devastated to sit out his first opportunity to compete at the Olympics. Finally, in February 2013, Michal officially became an American citizen. Since then, he’s been focused on this summer’s Olympic Games. In 2014, he won the Under 23 World Championships, the biggest victory of his career. Last year he became the U.S. National Champion and won a bronze medal at the World Championships and gold at the Pan-American Games, setting him up to be a favorite in Rio. Going for the joy He has no idea what to expect from his first Olympic appearance, but he says he plans on keeping a level head and not letting anything get to him. “When I’m racing that most important race of my life, I want to make sure I’m not shaking and sweating and doing all these crazy things before I’m about to go. I want to tell myself, ‘I did everything I could. I’m ready for this. I’m going to enjoy it,’” he says. “That’s what I do this for: I do it for myself and for the joy of it.” Michal has figured out something that scientists and doctors have been studying for years. Studies have shown that athletes with positive psychological states—those who are relaxed, at ease, having fun—physically perform better in competitive settings than those with negative emotions. “If an athlete’s overall sense of wellbeing and happiness is within a suitable range, they tend to perform better based on the fact that their perceived level of stress is reduced and their subjective belief is ‘I’m doing well,’” says Jason Richardson, a former World Champion and Pan-Am Games gold medalist in BMX racing, who is now a psychologist working with Olympic athletes. “Those beliefs become the driving force, as they precede the feelings and actions that ultimately bring results.” You don’t have to be an Olympian to gain something from this lesson: Enjoy yourself and you’ll do better at whatever it is you set out to do.

Self-Care

Use These 4 Powerful Tools to Overcome Shame

When I got divorced, I felt like I had a flashing scarlet “D” on my forehead. My father mourned, asking, “What am I supposed to tell my friends?” When I went for an appointment at a new doctor’s office, they actually checked “D” on my paperwork. And dating? Forget it. I was now damaged goods. It seemed I couldn’t escape the stigma of failure tethered to my ankle. D for defective. D for defeated. D for desperate dud, doomed to damnation. I was only 26 years old, and yet I felt certain that this veil of shame would haunt me for the rest of my life. (D for dramatic?) That’s the thing about shame: It crawls through your veins, constricts your heart and leaves you curled up in a ball afraid to face the world. Unworthy of connection According to researcher Brené Brown, Ph.D., shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Sadly, we all experience shame, and it’s killing our happiness. Maybe you think of yourself as a lousy mother because you can’t bake, the laundry isn’t done, and you rarely make it on your kids’ field trips. Maybe you label yourself a fat, ugly loser because you haven’t lost those last 20 pounds, and now you’re avoiding the pool. Maybe you’re berating yourself for speaking up at last week’s staff meeting and now you’re dreading seeing your boss. Or maybe shame tells you that you deserve to be alone. Shame says, “I suck,” “I’m a loser,” or in the case of my divorce, “I’m a failure.” As mean as shame is, it does have a purpose. New research shows that our early ancestors adapted shame as an evolutionary advantage. Because we desperately want to belong, shame alerts us to stop a behavior that society devalues. We are social creatures, and we adopt shame as a way of keeping ourselves lovable, and part of the group. According to Dr. June Tangney, author of Shame in the Therapy Hour, shame is a “self-conscious emotion.” It forces us to self-reflect and self-evaluate. For example, growing up in the Midwest with parents who have been happily married for 50 years and grandparents who had been happily married for 68 years, I understood that divorce was for “losers.” The shame triggered by my divorce was an evolutionary response, in a sense, in order to stay safe and accepted within my family. Reaching out During my divorce, the more I called myself a failure, the more I withdrew, and the more I withdrew, the worse I felt. Finally I became desperate to find others who would understand what I was going through. I found an online message board for divorced women under 30 and began reading their stories. Eventually, I posted mine, and though I was terrified, it felt so good to connect with other women going through the same thing that I started responding to every post and eventually, I became the message board leader. I became so strong that I called my dad to heal our relationship and let him talk about his pain around the divorce. Our relationship improved. I began writing a book about young divorce and realized my marriage and divorce was a gift because it showed me that I have the courage to follow my heart, and it allowed me to understand so many women’s struggles. So here is the way to address shame: You’re not a “fat loser” and I'm not a failure. You gained weight. My marriage failed. And this distinction is important for healing, self-worth, connection and happiness. If you see yourself as the issue, you can become anxious, depressed and desolate. But when you separate yourself from a behavior or event, you isolate it as something you want to evaluate and change. The key is to turn shame on its head and use the experience for strength and courage. Allow it to be a trigger for empowerment, self-love and change. Here’s how: 1. Identify shame and diffuse it Shame likes to hide in dark, isolated corners. However, we all feel shame, we all struggle and many of us have experienced common struggles. So the key is to find someone and with whom you can speak safely about your shame with self-compassion and kindness—whether that is a friend, a therapist or an online community. Identify where you feel shame in your body. Your face may heat up, your chest may get tight or your belly may rumble. Feel the sensation of wanting to hide, but instead of doing so, lean into yourself with kindness and self-compassion. Bringing shame out of the dark diffuses it with love. 2. Learn how to cope with characteristics, behaviors and events that you find undesirable Once you know how to work with shame, you also can begin to work with your shame triggers. Get curious about your shame. What sets it off? Which (if any) of your inherent character traits cause you to feel self-loathing? Which of your life events do you keep hidden? Then ask yourself what fear is underneath the shame? What are you really afraid of? And how could you view these behaviors and events differently? With my divorce, I was afraid of being an outcast, and I had to face my inherent need for approval and perfection. So I began to work on my fear of imperfection and accept that not everyone will like or approve of me. By working to accept the triggers of shame, I became more accepting and loving with myself, keeping shame at bay. 3. Accept all of you You have shame because you are deeply embarrassed by some aspect of yourself, your situation or your behaviors. When you learn how to love your whole self—good and bad—you are able to drop judgment and shame. Each of us has parts of ourselves that we love and parts of ourselves that we dislike. A major key to happiness is to accept and love all of you. Each aspect of you has purpose—even the shadows. For example, I am more judgmental than I would like to be. While I used to be ashamed of this (and am still afraid to admit it here), it is true. My shame is that I want to be open and loving toward everyone, and instead I judge, which is a behavior I developed as a reaction against the world—in order to keep myself safe. So I can love the judgmental side of me knowing that it is trying to help. Your turn: On a piece of paper, write your favorite traits on the left side and least-favorite (shadows) on the right. Then write how each of your traits has helped you in some way. (The late Debbie Ford shares more on how to do this in her brilliant book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.) 4. Get support Finally, as June says, shame is underlying nearly all of our struggles. If you feel alone, are afraid, fear rejection, have trouble communicating with your spouse, feel stuck in your career, are lost or are afraid of following your dreams, you may well be harboring shame. Diffusing shame can be hard to do on your own and you may need some help in getting to the root of it—and more so, flipping it into empowering action going forward. Get support in working through your shame so that you can have the happy, thriving life you desire and deserve. Listen to our podcast: 5 Steps to a More Confident You With Carin Rockind. Read more by Carin Rockind: Nothing Compares to You and Face Failure Head On With These Essential Tools. Carin Rockind is a speaker, author and coach with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) from the University of Pennsylvania.

Self-Care

Miles Chamley-Watson Goes for Gold in Rio

Miles Chamley-Watson, 26, just missed the podium at the London Olympic Games. A fencer, he was ranked No. 2 in the world entering the 2012 Olympics, and he was aiming for gold. But he was defeated in the second round and wound up in fourth place in men’s foil. “I wanted to come away with hardware, so I wasn’t happy,” says Miles, who was born in London but moved to New York when he was 9 and will be a top fencing competitor this summer in Rio. “It was incredibly frustrating. It was my first time at the Olympics and everything felt magnetized and blown out of proportion.” In a study that looked at the emotional reactions of Olympic medalists at the 1992 Games in Barcelona, Spain, researchers found that silver medalists were reportedly less happy than those who took bronze. Why? “The silver medalists feel like they are so close to winning, but just missed the mark, whereas the bronze medalists are just happy to get a medal,” says Caroline Miller, an expert on positive psychology and the author of seven books on the subject, including her upcoming book, Getting Grit. “There are people who win and they feel empty afterward. They think it will bring them happiness but the Olympics don’t buy you happiness.” Just as Miles has found through the extensive mental training he’s done to prepare for this summer’s Olympics, the more stressed he is in the midst of a competition, the less likely he will perform at his best. Whereas the more joyful and relaxed, the better he’ll do. In other words, happiness begets success, not the other way around. Put happiness first “It used to be thought people became happy by having success. But pinning your happiness on winning a gold medal isn’t how it works,” Caroline says. “People succeed by being happy first. Their bodies are relaxed and in a different state of consciousness. They’ve done all the preparation they need to do and they’re utterly confident and relaxed about it. They’re not constricted or anxious.” We can’t all be Olympic fencers, but we can learn from Miles. “Do whatever makes you happy. Don’t let anyone tell you no. Above all, take risks,” Miles says. “I’ve taken so many risks in my life and that’s what’s gotten me where I’m at now.” Caroline says it’s those risks that bring such a high level of joy. “The reason why the highs are so high and the lows are so low is that these athletes take risks and because of the intensity of passion that they bring to their lives and their sport,” she says. “They’ve invested so much and they’ve given up so much in order to pursue their craft.” Sure, getting fourth place may not feel great, but Miles, who, in 2013, the first American fencer to win an individual World Championship title, also knows what victory feels like. “There’s no feeling like when you work really hard for something and the training actually pays off,” he says. “You win a competition and there’s no other feeling like it in the world.” A 2009 report in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that those who attempt to master a new skill may be frustrated or stressed throughout the process, but they have greater happiness long term. “Very few of us can be Olympians. But we can all learn from what these men and women bring to their sport—they live with joy, they live with a sense of satisfaction,” Caroline says. “At the end of every day, we scan our days for what we did that was hard. We’re only proud of ourselves when we did something out of our comfort zone. We all need to have something we’re passionate about, something that lights us up, something that makes us work for it.”

relationships

50 Fun Ways to Feel Like a Kid Again

As adults, we pay lip service to seeing the world through kids’ curious, unjaded eyes. And it’s true, that view is lovely. But even better in our opinion is that being with children also means you actually get to be a kidsometimes! Toting a tot is a great excuse to do loads of silly, fun, adventurous things we’d be too embarrassed—or wouldn’t have the opportunity—to do without one. Asking the mounted officers if you can pet their horses? Kind of weird if you’re alone. But with a kid? Totally normal! Want to ride the spinning tea cups? You’re probably too tall. But with a shorty by your side, you’re good to go. If you need a reminder of how ridiculously fun (and just ridiculous) parenting, grandparenting, aunt-ing, and uncle-ing can be, we came up with a list of 50 reasons why spending time with kids is a blast—each one of which will make you feel like a kid again in the process. 1. Riding carousels—and putting genuine thought into which pony you should choose—when you’re 40. 2. Trick or treating at Halloween, and the vicarious thrill of wondering who will open the door and what kind of candy they will give (fingers crossed for the top-shelf Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups!). 3. Sliding down the fireman pole at the playground. 4. Catching snippets of the teen shows the kids are watching in the other room and laughing more than you ever do at grown-up sitcoms. 5. BOUNCY. CASTLES. 6. Sucking the helium out of balloons and then singing “Happy Birthday” in your leprechaun voice. 7. Jumping on a trampoline until you almost pee your pants. 8. Gawking at construction sites, because you know you always wanted to see what it looked like 10 feet below the street. 9. Skipping! (Though we think skipping should be the next fitness craze…it’s quite the leg workout.) 10. Chasing after the ice cream truck on a lazy summer evening. 11. Lacing up roller skates for the first time in 20 years and realizing, once you’re out in the rink, that you’ve still got it. 12. Water gun/balloon fights. Why do we stop having these once we grow up? 13. Playing Candy Land and, after all these years, still getting excited when you land on Queen Frostine. 14. Eating the leftover cotton candy! 15. Having an excuse to see all the latest animated kids’ movies. 16. Waiting in line with all the grade-schoolers for the pool slide because your 5-year-old is too scared to go by himself, and then getting nervous when it's your turn. 17. Family sing-alongs in the car, windows down, headed home from dinner. 18. Exploring the inside of your local firehouse on a school trip—and checking out the firetrucks while you’re there. 19. Running through a sprinklerto show the children how it’s done. 20. Jumping off the high dive to prove your bravery to your nephew—and yourself. 21. Finger painting. 22. Chuckling at your ignorance of today's slang—who knew “jello” or “jelly” means “jealous”? 23. Loving to hate Elmo, SpongeBob, and Phineas and Ferb. 24. Enjoying the sidelines camaraderie of fellow sports parents at your kids’/grandkids’ games. It beats chitchatting at a grown-up cocktail party any day. 25. Winding down from preschool—and work—with coloring books, and choosing just the right crayon for Thor’s chest plate (pink, of course). 26. Buying Maroon 5 songs on iTunes “for your kids.” 27. Going to Maroon 5 concerts “for your kids.” 28. Slip’N Slides. 29. Getting your craft on for kiddie holiday parties. Snowflake garlands and personalized goody bags? Yes, please! 30. Jumping in leaf piles with your niece, and picking tiny twigs out of your hair the rest of the day. 31. Harry Potter. 32. Playing again with all the toys you loved as a child: Legos, Barbies, blocks, dolls and action figures. 33. Spending way too much money at a video arcade—on Skee-Ball, Big Buck Hunter, and free throw basketball—because it’s just as thrilling for you as it is for the kiddos to see the machines spit out those long chains of tickets. 34. Swinging at the playground, your baby on your lap, looking up at the sky. 35. Taylor Swift. 36. Stopping with your little one to pet every single dog you pass on the street. 37. Diving for pennies in the pool. 38. Bowling with the bumpers up. 39. Blissing out when your 4-year-old plays “beauty salon” on your hair. 40. Having a backyard game of catch. 41. Living-room dance parties. Children don’t notice that you have zero rhythm. 42. Blowing and popping bubbles. Save some for the kids! 43. Sledding wildly down a huge hill, scared witless, but doing it again (and again) because your tot laughed hysterically the whole way. 44. Helping your child or grandchild open presents after his birthday party. What’d he get, what’d he get? 45. Playing backyard baseball. 46. Jumping rope. 47. Suspending your cynicism to fall in love with Disney World. 48. Scootering, skateboarding and RipStik riding. 49. Checking out the cockpits on every flight. 50. Jumping waves at the beach, holding your child’s sandy hands tightly. Patty Onderko is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn, NY.

Positive Psychology

Face Down Any Challenge With This Advice

On one of our first dates, we sat across the table from each other at a sushi restaurant in Chicago and shared stories of growing up in the midst of financial challenges. Shawn’s parents were educators in Waco, Texas, who struggled with credit card debts and as a result did not have enough money to pay for him to go to college. Michelle’s parents made it big with a computer consulting practice in Washington, D.C., before the recession caused them to lose their home. We are taught not to talk about such things. But if we don’t discuss our challenges, when we find ourselves in troubling times, we feel lost and lonely and cut off from help. These moments could be a source of bonding, healing and learning instead. Those childhood financial difficulties are the very reason we taught ourselves to be fiscally responsible and to save even when things are going well. We are grateful for those tough times as they made us who we are today. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Sometimes the stressful events that we run from are the same ones that cause us to develop the best and strongest parts of ourselves. In a study we conducted at five companies, including UBS, we found that approximately 90 percent of events that had the biggest positive impacts on people were also high-stress situations. In this study, research participants were asked to list five pivot points in their lives that changed them and made them who they are today. On average, 80 percent of those points were seemingly negative, including losing a job, failing on a project at work or getting dumped by an ex. This reminds us that not only can stressful events be beneficial, but also that we should rethink our knee-jerk responses of trying to avoid them in the first place. We need to stop running from discomfort. Too often we are afraid of what can happen if we take a leap or get out of our comfort zones. We stay stuck in dead-end jobs and toxic relationships. We figure the familiar everyday unhappiness is better than the possible calamitous result if we were to make a change. We run from the risk of unhappiness, and as a result we stay in a less desirable present. Face your challenges We have a Marine friend who takes pride in the fact that Marines run toward conflict while others flee. What we flee from we begin to fear more. Facing our own challenges and developing an empowered mindset can help us weather the storm better than a fear-based one. Just like a workout can be uncomfortable or even painful, the mental and physical benefits often make it worth it. If we don’t show up to the gym in the first place because we fear those negative feelings, we will never know what we are capable of. If we show up ready to tackle the workout, that makes it all go more smoothly. What are you fleeing from? If you’re facing something that is either making you unhappy now or threatening to do so, we encourage you to think through the following takeaways based on our research on people who run toward unhappiness and prevail. 1. Be conscious of the narrative: Your brain quickly constructs a story around events, and some of those narratives are helpful while others are not. Ask yourself what narrative you’ve derived from this unhappy experience. (Ideally you are looking for something that will serve you in the retelling and make you a better person.) Helpful stories include facts about what you’ve learned from the experience and how you’ve grown as a result. Identifying ways in which you actually benefited from the experience can help you move forward. 2. Identify with strength: You are probably a strong person or you would not have made it this far. At this point life has probably dealt you a handful of hard circumstances. List them and reflect on the strength you accessed (which you might not have been aware of at the time) to overcome them. By reminding your brain how strong you are, you bolster that positive resource, which you can then tap into to help you in the face of your current challenge. 3. Find support: We say this nearly every day: Social support is the greatest predictor of long-term happiness. To overcome stressful events, a few supportive people in your life can make all the difference. Even though your first instinct might be to hole up and go it alone, resist that urge. Reach out to trusted friends or family, or find a community of supportive people like a church group or AA. Since we all have our pivotal stories to share, knowing that you’re not alone as you go through a difficult time can make all the difference. For us, just learning that we both experienced financial troubles in childhood was incredibly bonding. That became yet one more benefit to having gone through those experiences in the first place—and the start of a beautiful relationship! SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with over 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success and the author of Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national news anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.

Podcast

Personal Mastery to Change Your Life with Dr. Srikumar Rao

Srikumar Rao, Ph.D., has helped thousands of executives and entrepreneurs all over the world discover deep meaning. His methods have enabled them to achieve quantum leaps in effectiveness. Graduates of his workshops have become more creative and more inspiring leaders. He conceived the innovative Creativity and Personal Mastery course that he teaches in London and New York. Students found it so overwhelmingly powerful that it remains the only business school course in the world to have its own alumni association. What you'll learn in this podcast: How to dramatically reduce and possibly even eliminate stress in your life. How to form deeper, more meaningful relationships. How to feel more purpose and meaning in day-to-day work and activities. Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Download Srikumar's article "Stop. Think. Live!" Learn more about The Rao Institute. Request a syllabus from srikumarsrao@gmail.com.

Well-Being

Pound it Out

Five years ago, when a car rammed into the vehicle that Sarah Knobloch was riding in, it dramatically changed—nearly ended—the then-15-year-old’s life. “She was in a coma, and the doctors told us to start thinking about organ donation,” recalls her mother, Caroline Knobloch. “We weren’t ready for that.” Doctors weren’t sure how long she would survive or, if she did, how well she would recover. The accident left her with severe brain and spinal cord injuries, and the coma lasted 20 days. In addition to Sarah’s unwavering positive attitude, her mother credits her recovery to two things: music and movement. “Early on, the doctors said we could bring music into her hospital room,” Caroline says. “One of my friends is a music teacher who downloaded a bunch of classical music for us to play in her room. We always had music playing.” As Sarah remained hospitalized and slowly began to recover, music and exercise were mainstays of her daily program. “I like rap and hip-hop, so that’s what works best for me,” says Sarah, who, despite spending seven months in the Atlanta hospital, completed high school on time and is now studying to be an occupational therapy assistant. “The music helps me remember good times, and for someone with memory loss, that’s been really important.” Read more: Find Happiness in Your Headphones Researchers have found that music is effective for both physical and emotional healing because it engages all three areas of the brain: reptilian (body functions), limbic (memories and emotions) and the neocortex (language and consciousness). They’ve also learned that outcomes are better when hospitals use “patient preferred” music—even rap and metal can promote healing if it resonates with the patient. “I like listening to all styles of music,” Sarah says, “but listening to what I used to listen to has helped me the most.” Healing with a beat Earlier this year, Sarah learned about Pound, a program that uses specially weighted drumsticks to create a choreographed cardio workout. She implemented the workout into her regimen and says it has helped her retrain her brain for better balance and body movements. For Pound co-founder Kirsten Potenza, that’s pretty much the point. Although many seek it out for its fat-blasting, high-energy routines, Kirsten says a lot of science went into creating the drum-centric workout. Sure, it’s stress relieving to be able to beat bright green drumsticks on a yoga mat while listening to upbeat music, but the idea behind Pound goes beyond that. “There are a lot of studies showing the brain-boosting effects of drumming,” she says. “It improves focus, boosts the immune system, lowers chronic pain and improves decision-making skills. And, when you do it in a group, it’s even more powerful.” Pound has been called the new SoulCycle by many, and Kirsten says the thing the two workouts have in common is the way the music speaks to the heart and soul while moving and improving the body. “A lot of this is about the power of the music,” she says. “There’s something so powerful about being able to become part of the music. This isn’t about how your body looks or how you look doing it; this is about how it makes you feel. This is about making people happy.” Read more: What's Your Healing Rhythm? Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.

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