You searched for work | Page 88 of 155

Cute couple with hearts over their eyes.

6 Relationship Resolutions for Valentines Day

After New Year's and all through January we get that itch to practice better self-care, become healthier and focus on positive changes we can make in the year ahead. By February most of us have lost our New Year’s mojo. But wait! Here comes Valentine's Day, filling every grocery store with red hearts and symbols of love. Why not use this loving reminder to trigger actions that fall under the category of “relationship care?” Many of us get so wrapped up in the details and stresses of our daily lives that we do not take time out to truly focus our time and energy on our intimate relationships. It does not matter if you believe in the calendar holiday of Valentine's Day, or if you and your partner even trade gifts or cards. The important thing is to take time out to put some emotional and romantic focus on your relationship by stopping to create some relationship resolutions. 1. Have fun together Do you ever find yourself wrapped up in the logistics and monotony of life to the point that you are too busy to have fun? Are fun experiences few and far between in your relationship these days? It doesn’t matter if it’s just the two of you, the entire family or a large group, finding time to laugh and be joyful together is important in every intimate relationship. Take time out to explore ideas that will infuse some happiness into your relationship. Start up a new hobby or activity together, or go back to doing something fun that the two of you have not done together in years. If you don’t have the time or money for a vacation, have a snowball fight, tickle each other until you laugh so hard it hurts or take part in a new adventure. Try that new Moroccan restaurant where you sit on the floor. Go bowling! Read more: 4 Ways to Reignite the Spark and Reconnect With Your Partner 2. Use technology to connect instead of disconnect We are all distracted by and sometimes addicted to our phones, computers and social media. We get so drawn into technology that it pulls us out of the present, where we could be interacting with the people we love. Instead of using your devices to disconnect, use them to connect. Do you find yourself on your phone when you are at dinner with your mate or next to one another in bed? Are you more likely to read a story on Facebook than to tell your partner something that happened that day? Are there moments when you are both sitting on the couch staring at your devices instead of looking into each other’s eyes? Instead, pick up your phone and send your partner a romantic text message. Text him or her a photo from the past of the two of you enjoying yourselves. Post a gushing shout-out on Facebook for the world to see how much you appreciate the amazing dinner he or she cooked, or for the fact that your lawn is always mowed or that you are married to someone who's a terrific parent. 3. Put quality time on the schedule It is very easy for us to get caught up in your jobs, household chores, children, etc. Often it’s your primary relationship that takes the hit in all this overwhelm. Do you ever find yourself so busy after dinner that you fall into bed without even having a conversation? Have you realized that the two of you have not talked about how much you love or adore one another in a long time? While these things can be common in relationships, they do not allow for the type of quality time that couples need to feel truly connected. Plan a weekly or monthly date night for the two of you. Schedule an annual or biannual getaway or stay-cation (where the kids leave and you stay home) so you can have an extended period of time together - alone. 4. Evaluate, adjust and improve When you build a business, you stop frequently to evaluate progress and makes changes accordingly. Relationships work in very much the same way. It is important to take stock of how your relationship is doing. Are you happy with the level of intimacy and time spent together? Do you feel like you handle conflict efficiently? Are you managing your finances as a couple in a way that is working for you? Make a resolution to assess these things and more, make adjustments and improvements as needed. Learn from your past, so you can make your future better. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win 5. Resolve to watch your tone and language We should be making the greatest effort to be kind and loving to our intimate partners, and yet for a variety of reasons, they often get the business end of our abuse, contempt or anger. Do you find yourself asking your partner to help you with something without saying please or thank you? Do you have a tendency to raise your voice when a kinder, softer tone could be better? Do you verbally express how much you love and appreciate your partner more often than not? Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to be mindful of how you speak and what you say, and make a greater effort to have the majority of what comes out of your mouth be kinder and more loving. Spend more time saying things like “I am so lucky to have you” and “You are the best!” instead of things like “It’s so annoying when you leave your towel on the bathroom floor” or “Move over, you are hogging the bed.” Walk in with a smile, or laugh off what might be a slightly irritating situation instead of rolling your eyes or mumbling under your breath. 6. Make an effort to focus on the little things While everyone loves a grand gesture of love and adoration, most couples I talk to are grateful if some of the little things are attended to in the relationship. Does your partner like a back rub? Wish you would wash the dishes as soon as you use them? Want you to send a text message to check in at some point in the day? Ask yourself if you have taken the time out to truly listen to some of the smaller things that your partner desires. While big issues can create conflict and distance in relationships, often a big list of little problems can do just as much damage. Show your partner that he or she is important by making an effort to listen and respond to some of the smaller things that may take less time and energy but will send a big message of love. We all know that most New Year’s resolutions fizzle out because people overreach. They want to lose 30 pounds or overhaul their career all at once. Relationship resolutions are not all-or-nothing propositions. Pick the ones you think you can achieve; have fun with them; resolve to try harder, do better and be closer. Invest time and energy into your partnership and you will be rewarded 10-fold. Read more: 8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine's Day Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

relationships

Valentine’s Day Ultimate Gift Guide

CALLING ALL VALENTINES Wrap your phone in patterns of love and customized prints, such as moony photos of you and your Romeo ($34.99, casestation.com/us) TEA FOR TWO Teas from the Heart beautifully packaged ($18–$30, teaforte. com). Mariage Frères Éros Tea and TWG Exclusive Signature Tea ($25–$34, deandeluca.com). Corita Kent “Love Is Hard Work” Mug ($12, bauerpottery.com). MAKE A STATEMENT The Minnesota-based artisan company Oh Dier makes clever acrylic signs and unique cake toppers ($20–$32, ohdier.com). These Forest Walk Love Trays make a perennial Valentine's Day or hostess gift, so stock up! ($35, juliska.com). FOOD FOR THOUGHT Read inspiring notations about love in Happiness Is…500 Ways to Show I Love You ($12.95) while you gather your thoughts on paper in 642 Things About You (That I Love) ($9.95) (chroniclebooks.com). Then write your own love notes in A Collection of Future Letters to The Love of My Life ($16.99, alwaysfits.com). RAINBOW SWEETS BFF Scented Eraser Bracelets (set of two), $4.95; Note Pals Sticky Tabs, $1.95; Heart to Heart Stacking Crayons, $2.95; Dandy Candy Scented Neon Markers, $4.95 (ooly.com). PAMPER ME! Indulge in some flower power with Florapy’s one-time-use face masks in eight different treatments ($8 each, florapybeauty.com). The Elemental Herbology aromatherapy bath and shower oil collection will invigorate the mind and body ($75, elementalherbology.com/us). Nourish and hydrate with the best in vegan skincare—All Good Body Lotion ($15.99) and Organic Lip Balm ($3.50, allgoodproducts.com). SAY ANYTHING Customize a cookie for the one (or ones) you love with a cookie coloring kit, complete with food-coloring pens. Use it on Valentine's Day or any holiday! Your kids will have a blast. Eleni's Color Me Cookies ($39.95, elenis.com). BREAKFAST IN BED Start your Valentine's morning off right with the CucinaPro Classic Heart Waffler for a heart-y breakfast! What better way to wake up and say "I love you."($49.99, cucinapro.com). April Hardwick is the market editor for Live Happy magazine.

Self-Care

Keep the Change

Linda Allen was 9 years old when she decided she wanted to join the baseball team. Unfazed by the fact that no girl had ever been allowed on the all-boy team, she asked the coach what skills she’d need, then set an ambitious goal. After two months of practicing and focusing solely on her goal, she tried out. Not only did Linda become the first girl ever to make the team, but she snagged the coveted second baseman spot just as she’d envisioned. “My parents instilled it in me to set my goals high, work hard and never settle for less,” says Linda, now a successful insurance agent in Fort Worth, Texas. “Even then, I knew if I walked onto the field with no preparation, I would have failed.” That valuable lesson set the stage for Linda’s future. She has seen goal setting work in both her personal and professional life, and also raised her sons to use goal setting in everything from academics to their careers. “It’s not rocket science,” she says. “You create a system that works for you and then own it and use it.” Set realistic goals As a new year begins and many people make all-or-nothing resolutions (lose 20 pounds!) in hopes of creating change in their lives, experts instead encourage us to set goals with a clear plan. For example, create a weekly exercise plan and stick to it; and start cooking at least four meals a week at home. The numbers back up the experts; while just 8 percent of resolutions are successfully kept, people who set goals show a success rate of 90 percent. “Even if the goal doesn’t happen the way you wanted, by using the planning and execution, you know you have given it your best,” Linda says. “So you don’t feel like a failure, you readjust and win with the best outcome possible for you.” Understand the "Why" of goal-setting Knowing what drives us to set goals, and why they’re important, may affect how we structure our goal-setting process. “The thing that encourages us to set goals is that we see some gap in our lives,” explains Jan Stanley, who has a master’s of applied positive psychology from University of Pennsylvania and has helped organizations and Fortune 500 companies develop goal-setting strategies. The first key, she says, is to make sure our goals and values align. “We all have things we hold dear, whether it’s our family, saving the planet or just wanting to get more out of life,” Jan explains. Examining what’s important to you personally, and then using those values-based intentions to create goals, builds the foundation for successfully setting attainable targets. When Linda makes a goal, she defines it, writes down the steps needed to reach it and then prioritizes those steps so she can make them part of her daily actions. According to Jan, that method is exactly what it takes to make our goals more accessible. Make it part of a routine “One of the things that is so powerful about implementing actionable steps into our routine is that we know what we’re going to do today,” Jan says. “Now we’re no longer wondering what we should or could do; we know what we need to do today to reach that long-term goal.” Much-cited research from Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D., a pioneer in goal-setting theory, shows that the more specific the goal, the better the individuals trying to reach that target will do. As you work toward your goal, several things happen in your brain that propel you toward success. Each day you follow that routine, you reinforce it as a habit and gain momentum. And, when you accomplish your daily objective, your dopamine system—the neurotransmitter that doles out rewards—creates a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction, which is important to keep your brain’s motivation and incentive high. That’s important to keep us going, Jan says. “We have these lofty goals of what we want to accomplish, but there’s so much work to do and so many off-ramps that can divert our attention,” she explains. “If we have a way for our brains to experience rewards throughout the process, we’re more likely to keep with it.” Think of scaling Mount Everest: It’s not going to happen in a day, so it’s the day-to-day progress that keeps you motivated. Setting yourself up for success As much as we’ve been taught to dial in to our willpower, it may be our brainpower that proves to be the stronger ally when it comes to setting and achieving goals. Learning to use creative techniques, like visualization, can help prime your brain for accomplishing that goal. “When we envision something happening, our brain treats it as something we’ve already done,” Jan explains. “That’s why psychologists work with athletes to envision themselves doing things like breaking through the tape first. Our brains can’t tell the difference between when you’re visualizing it and when you’re actually doing it.” You can reinforce that visualization by writing about it. The Best Possible Future Self writing exercise, developed by Laura King, Ph.D., of the University of Missouri, Columbia, has become a popular practice for achieving goals. Its effectiveness lies in connecting your sense of accomplishment with a clear-cut vision of what the future looks like, Jan says. In this exercise, participants write in vivid detail what their lives will look like when that goal is achieved. They describe how they feel and what they’re doing. The writing becomes a sort of road map for the future and makes it easier to detfine what steps should be taken and can help establish priorities. In other words, it becomes an outline for your own personal success. “Most of us really want to make a contribution with our lives,” Jan notes. “Can we be happy without ever setting goals? Maybe. But when you’re looking at making a contribution and finding meaning in your life, goals help clarify that contribution, and outline the steps we need to take to make it happen.” Listen to our podcast, How to Make Better Resolutions With Jan Stanley, here. Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.

science

Is Longevity in the Cards for You?

We’ve long been told that we have to play the hand life dealt us—but what if you could improve that hand? According to longevity researcher Dan Buettner, author of the Blue Zones series of books, you can, and he offers specific ways to stack the odds in our favor. “What’s new in the field of happiness is the ability to measure the facets that create it,” he says. “In my previous work with Blue Zones, studying some of the longest-living areas of the world, I’d say there is about an 80 percent overlap of characteristics of a place where people lived a long time and a place where people report the greatest levels of well-being.” Based on that research, Dan has found a few factors that make you happier—and help you live longer: Social interaction We are more likely to be happy if we get five to seven hours of meaningful social interaction a day. Meaningful work Doing something that you find rewarding, whether it’s at your job or through volunteering, is crucial. Green spaces Living near a park or in an area with trees has a direct link to increased happiness and greater longevity. Walking and biking options Being able to get around on foot or bicycle, rather than sitting in traffic, is better for your health and your mood. Quality food environment “Having access to healthy food and vegetables is shown to have a direct link to happiness and good health.” Neighborhood equality If you live in a neighborhood where all the homes are basically in the same price range, you’ll be happier than if you owned the least expensive house on the street (or the most expensive one). “The least expensive house reminds you of what you don’t have, and having the most expensive house puts more pressure on you.” Environment Finally, a significant factor in your happiness is location, location, location. “If you live near water, you are 10 percent more likely to be happy,” Dan says. “The same effect is seen with mountains.The overall thesis of changing your behavior is a waste of time; for both longevity and happiness, the most important thing you can do is change your environment.” How happy are you? Take our quiz to find out. Read more: Be Happy to Live Longer Read more: What DoTelomeres Tell Us? Paula Felpsis the Science Editor for Live Happy. Quiz by Plasticity Labs.

science

We’re Better Together

Michelle Gielan: Shawn, what led you to write your new book, Big Potential? Shawn Achor: Since writing The Happiness Advantage, I had a huge discovery. I became a father as you know [Note: Shawn and Michelle are married happiness researchers], and this has changed so much of my thinking about what creates happiness and meaning. For the past 10 years, I have been sharing positive psychology research on happiness around the world, and yet during that time depression rates and suicide rates have doubled among almost every age group—including for 8-year-olds! We seem to be going in the wrong direction. What is going on that has caused such a dramatic shift, and how do we stop it so our son doesn’t have to live in that world? I believe that there is one main reason why we are seeing elevated rates of anxiety in our schools and unhappiness in the world—a crucial mistake that every major religious tradition and ancient philosopher warned us against. We have been trying to pursue happiness and success by ourselves, in isolation and in competition. We have been told that success is a zero-sum game, and if someone else gets happier you will feel worse in comparison. We’ve also been told that happiness is a private, personal choice, and that you can’t change other people. This leads us to feel disconnected at work, hypercompare on social media and never feel like we are enough. This is what I call “small potential”—believing we have to do all this alone. We have been taught to strip others out of our formula for success and happiness. When you choose to be more grateful and positive, that makes other people around you more grateful and positive as well. This creates a virtuous cycle. I felt like something needed to be done to help people realize that scientifically, the only way to achieve our “big potential” is to transform the pursuit of happiness and success from a solitary one to an interconnected one. Michelle: What is one of the most eye-opening studies from the new book? Shawn: I have lots of new research in the book, but my favorite is not mine. It comes from researchers from the University of Virginia, who originally found that if you look at a hill you need to climb, and you are in a negative state of mind, that hill can look 30 percent steeper than it actually is (cited in Before Happiness). But in the follow-up study, they found something even more amazing: If you judge a hill you need to climb while standing by yourself, your brain perceives that hill as being 20 percent steeper than if you were standing next to a friend who is not even looking in the direction of the hill. Our very perception of reality is transformed by the presence of others. Michelle: Does Big Potential include practical, hands-on advice like your previous books? Shawn: I believe research is useless unless it is lived. Based on more than 40 research studies, we now know that there is a clear path to achieving more success in life while finding more meaning and happiness. Once you’ve made the mindset change that you must pursue happiness and success with others, the book outlines five steps—“SEEDS”—that lead to big potential. They are: - Surround yourself with positive outliers. This allows you to create a star system instead of trying to be a superstar alone. - Extend power to others. This allows you to take the burden of change off your shoulders and let others shine while you focus on your strengths. - Enhance others using prism praise. Instead of trying to raise others up using comparison praise (you’re so much smarter than the other kids), focus on praise that builds up the individual and the supporters that got them there. - Defend the gains. In a hyperconnected world, we need to build up our emotional immune system so that we are not overwhelmed by people seeking small potential. - Sustain the momentum. This chapter is filled with practical ways in which you can help create collective momentum so that it is easier to maintain growth. Michelle: What is your favorite story from the new book? Shawn: It’s actually two stories together, both about flashing. I start the book with a biologist who discovered millions of lightning bugs all lighting up at the exact same time in Indonesia. Biologists and mathematicians didn’t believe him because how could they possibly do it without a leader, and why would they shine together? But it turns out when a lightning bug ashes alone, they have a 3 percent chance of finding a mate that night. When they flash together, the success rate is 82 percent. It seems we shine brighter together. I pair that with a story at Harvard where as a tradition the students take off their clothes and run through Harvard Yard naked at midnight before exams, flashing all the onlookers. I attempted the run in the buff, but was too shy to go with the group. As soon as I walked out of my room into the snow, naked and barefoot, I realized that letting the group go two minutes ahead of me was a mistake. It meant that everyone would see me alone; in a group, you can’t tell anyone apart on a snowy night. I immediately regretted it, but when I turned to go back inside I realized I had locked myself out of my dorm. To me, that is a perfect metaphor for trying to pursue success alone and in isolation. We are less successful and much more exposed. We are better together. SHAWN ACHOR and MICHELLE GIELAN bring positive psychology to organizations all over the world to fuel happiness and success. Shawn is The New York Times best-selling author of The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. His TED Talk has over 5 million views and millions have seen his PBS program. Michelle is the founder of the Institute for Applied Positive Research and formerly served as a national news anchor for CBS News. She holds a master’s degree in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and recently published the book Broadcasting Happiness. Visit them at shawnachor.com and michellegielan.com.

Reading

Top 10 Books That Will Change Your Life in 2017

Set aside some reading time and stock your shelves with these 10 exceptional new books, which cover a range of illuminating topics from the way technology affects our well-being to how to live a compassionate life. Make 2017 happier and more fulfilling by giving yourself the gift of continued learning. 1. The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-Being In the Digital Era by Amy Blankson Overwhelmed by the flood of apps and information online? Discover how to navigate technology in a way that enhances your happiness. Amy Blankson, cofounder of the digital consulting firm GoodThink, reveals five strategies to thrive in the digital age. Start by using your power of choice to scan for the positive. Learn how to use technology as a sixth sense to better understand yourself and the world around you. 2. The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living by Meik Wiking We've heard countless times that Danes are the happiest people in the world, and hygge, which translates roughly as "cozy" or "homey," may be the key, according to Meik Wiking, CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen. Breaking bread with friends at a table topped with flickering candles; curling up in front of a fire with a good book—these are prime examples of hygge-based happiness. Curling up in front of a fire with a book about hygge? Double-Danish happiness! 3. The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu Your personal hardships can turn to joy. Nobel Peace Prize laureates His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu credit personal experiences of hardship and oppression for their eventual ability to lead the joyful lives they live today. Discover the eight pillars of joy to overcome fear, stress, anger, grief and illness. Suffering might be inevitable, according to this dynamic duo, but how we respond to it is our choice. 4. How to Live a Good Life: Soulful Stories, Surprising Science, and Practical Wisdom by Jonathan Fields Author and entrepreneur Jonathan Fields believes a good life is made up of three buckets: a bucket of vitality, a bucket of connection and a bucket of contribution. Using science-backed and actionable tips, he shows the reader how to fill each of these buckets in just 30 days. Tap into your purpose, the book advises, and do meaningful work in order to vastly improve your life and find maximum happiness. 5. Getting Grit: The Evidence-Based Approach to Cultivating Passion, Perseverance, and Purpose byCaroline Miller Positive psychology author and coach Caroline Miller believes our level of grit is fundamental to living a fulfilled life. This guidebook to building grit offers self-assessment tools, daily exercises and life tips to boost courage and willpower. She explores the key traits of gritty people, how true grit inspires others and how humility and self-compassion also play a role in authentic grit. 6. The Dog's Guide to Your Happiness: Seven Secrets for a Better Life from Man's Best Friend by Garry McDaniel and Sharon Massen Want to be happier? Look to your pooch! Our canine companions can show us what authentic joy is truly about, say authors Garry McDaniel and Sharon Massen, both professors at Franklin University. The book explores seven traits that are essential for happiness through the eyes of our trusted furry friends. We can learn how to let go of stress, the book advises, and get lost in the art of play by watching our dogs just do their thing. Our furry friends can also show us the value of loyalty and unconditional love. 7. At Home in the World: Stories and Essential Teachings from a Monk's Life by Thich Nhat Hanh Put the power of hope to work in your life. Peace activist and Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh draws from his travels as well as stories and traditions from his childhood in rural Vietnam to share important life insights and lessons. “Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today,” he writes. 8. Mindshift: Break Through Obstacles to Learning and Discover Your Hidden Potential by Barbara Oakley, Ph.D. Learn how to uncover and develop talents you don’t realize you had—no matter what your age or background. Instead of just following your passions, discover how to broaden your passions. InMindshift, Barbara Oakley, Ph.D., draws on neuroscientific insights to turn perceived weaknesses into strengths and overcome preconceptions with the right mindset. Feeling behind if you start a new career path later in life? Use the skills you’ve already acquired to bring valuable insights to a new discipline. 9. The Leading Brain: Powerful Science-Based Strategies for Achieving Peak Performance by Friederike Fabritius and Hans W. Hagemann Use the latest research in brain science to improve how you perform and iteract at work. Combining their expertise in neuropsychology and management consulting, neuropsychologist Friederike Fabritius and leadership expert Hans W. Hagemann, Ph.D., show how to sharpen your focus, improve your performance, retain information, make better complex decisions and cultivate trust to build strong teams. 10. The Big Picture: A Guide to Finding Your Purpose in Life by Christine B. Whelan If you’ve ever wondered what you are going to do with your life, this book is for you. Though aimed at college graduates, The Big Picture is a guide for anyone who would like to discover their talents and create a fulfilling career and life. Author Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D. uses quizzes and leading questions such as, "What are my talents? How can I use them to help others and create meaning? in order to help each reader find a path to a purposeful life. Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO ofTheMediaConcierge.net.

Self-Care

4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids

When I was a new mom, I met a couple I’ll call the Jacksons whose primary goal was to raise their children to become achievement-oriented adults. While this is a common wish for parents, the Jacksons had a fairly extreme way of going about it. When their son was less than a year old, the Jacksons initiated a family policy that no one was to give him anything; if he wanted something, he had to learn to get it for himself. The Jacksons truly believed that if their child had just the bare minimum (of food, clothing, etc.) and was always in need, he would be motivated to find a way to get whatever he wanted on his own—setting him on the path to eventual success. In contrast, many “helicopter parents” harbor the same dreams for their children and yet lean toward the opposite extreme by hovering—offering too much guidance and praise. My experience has been that both of these parenting styles ultimately may do a disservice to children and impede their confidence and success. As a therapist, I suggest a middle-ground approach to parenting that yields the best outcomes for children in terms of success, psychological well-being and self-confidence. Albert Bandura, a psychologist and expert in cognitive development, developed the concept of “self-efficacy”—the way people view themselves as capable and productive makes a tremendous difference in their success. The best way for parents to help children accomplish this is by providing appropriate guidance, support and praise, while allowing for experimentation and even failure. The following key elements are essential for raising children to become motivated, successful and goal-oriented adults. Read more: Which Kind of Goal-Setter Are You? 1. Help kids build confidence in themselves Believing in yourself builds confidence, improves self-esteem and makes both children and adults take more risks, feel more motivated and work harder. If you want to teach your children to feel confident in who they are and their achievements, help them learn their strengths, tell them you believe in their abilities and point out both past and present successes. It may sound simple, but past achievements DO build future successes. Example: Your child is starting a new class, activity or sport. Let her know that it is normal to be worried about something new, but also that she has certain skills that she can use to apply to this new situation. Be specific about what those skills are and give examples of when she has used those skills successfully. 2. Help them understand the "Why" I have heard so many parents utter the following overused phrases: “because I said so,” “you have to do that because it’s your homework assignment” or “the coach/teacher/tutor/school said so.” While each of these statements may be true, they do not explain the reasons or benefits of doing that task. Homework builds skills, allows for practice and teaches concepts outside of the classroom. Our children need to understand these reasons, not simply that they have a duty. Example: Your child says, “I don’t like to read. I think it is boring and I am not good at it.” You respond that it’s OK, not everyone likes reading, but reading is important. You make it clear that as he grows older there will be lots of things he will need to read and understand, and the only way to do that is to practice. Read more: Making Motivation Work 3. Teach kids to look inward for competition and achievement Goal-oriented children learn that trying to do better than they did yesterday and the day before is much more important than trying to be equal to or greater than someone else. Each of us has a unique set of skills and abilities, and we need to focus on honing them so that we can maximize our own growth. During the recent Olympics in Rio, it was clear that swimmer Michael Phelps’ disappointment in his London performance in 2012 was a stronger motivation to excel than any rivalry. Example: Your child says, “Johnny is better than I am at math” or “Alexandra runs so much faster than I do.” The response should be something like the following: “Johnny and Alexandra will be better at some things than you are, and you will be better at other things than they are; we do not need to compare. Instead, let’s talk about how much faster you are than you were in second grade and figure out how we can help you get faster before next year.” 4. Help kids set reasonable goals and make plans to accomplish them Goal setting starts at an early age. It begins when kids learn to do homework before watching TV, or how to clean their rooms and make their beds in an efficient and effective way. As parents, we need to teach our kids what types of goals are reasonable and then help them strategize a way to get them accomplished. Example: Your child has a big project due in two weeks. You sit down with her to discuss how long it will take, what days she will work on it and the best way to get it done well. Then follow up with her to make sure she is keeping on schedule. If we as parents can provide support and guidance while giving kids the stepping stones to develop their own confidence and self-esteem—and let them learn their own lessons through experience—they will be well on their way to success. Read more: Are You Making This Common Parenting Mistake? Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Positive Psychology

Which Kind of Goal Setter Are You?

I love that the beginning of the year is a special time to focus on self-improvement. I hate that it often provides an even bigger chance to miserably fail and feel bad about myself for months to come. As a positive psychology researcher, I want to crack the code of successful resolutions. My husband, Shawn, and I decided to conduct a goal-setting experiment, using only ourselves as subjects. We would employ two very different approaches toward achieving our goals, and at the end, compare data. The results have forever changed how I set and achieve goals and improved my self-image in the process. I’m hopeful our experience will help you better understand which approach will work best for your brain and give you the highest chance of goal-setting success. Experiment design The experiment would take three months, and we did it over the summer when the pace of life felt slower. Shawn would follow the science. I would try something completely crazy. We’d each document our results and compare final notes after Labor Day. The control group: Shawn Shawn followed the science to a T, and he was a lovable nerd through this process. Based on the research, he developed this formula: (Specific + Tracked) x Varied = Success Specific—Research shows that while it is good to have big goals, it is best to break them down into small, specific goals. That gives the brain more opportunities for “wins” as we achieve those milestones, which can act as fuel for the future. One of Shawn’s goals was to meditate more; he added a 30-minute session each week on Sundays. Each time he sat down to meditate on a Sunday, his happiness over that win fueled his meditation practice the following week. Tracked—Here is where Shawn’s true scientist came out. He developed a detailed spreadsheet that listed all his goals and tracked percentage progress to the finish line. He even made a bar graph. He applied the research he featured in his book Before Happiness that shows that when the brain sees it is 70 percent or more toward the finish line, it actually speeds up progress. That’s why exhausted marathoners sprint for the finish line. One of his goals was to play tennis four times with a friend he rarely sees. After just six weeks, he was excited to see that he was 75 percent of the way to his goal. Varied—Shawn came up with a range of goals. He wanted to swim a certain number of laps nonstop by the end of the summer, read a certain number of new books for fun (no research books!) and go on three dates with me. I’m so happy for diversification! And no work goals this time because work was busy enough. This followed the research that shows that by varying the areas of your life in which you have goals, accomplishments in one area can help motivate you in others. The experimental group: Michelle I called my approach to the experiment “The Summer of NO Goals.” Yep, you read it right! First, the back story: I put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve. A. Lot. What this means is that I always have goals. I get swept up in the excitement of “how great it would be” to do this or that. I go for a run and instantly think, “I should run every morning. How great that would be for my body. I am going to run two miles every morning from now on.” I do it for three days. And then I am on to the next great idea. The worst part is that I have often felt bad about constantly not following through. And then we had our son Leo, who is now 2 1/2, and I have even less time to do anything. But that has been a blessing in disguise, as you’ll see from my formula. Mindful + Tracked + Play = Joy Mindful—Just simply deciding I was not going to set goals for myself during the summer didn’t mean my brain didn’t try to do it anyway. I had formed a habit of it. So I needed to cultivate mindfulness to consciously observe my thought patterns. When I did go for an occasional run, I didn’t let my thinking rob me of the joy of that run by plotting and planning the next 365 runs. I just tried to stay in the moment. I watched my breath go in and out as I jogged. I looked at the trees. Most times I practiced this simple mindfulness technique and felt refreshed, and that feeling made me want to run more. At the end of the summer, I had run 22 percent more than the previous three months. Tracked—Since I had no tangible goals to track, I decided to track progress in all areas of my life. I kept a list of small work projects I accomplished, how many times I went swimming, the number of times I played with Leo in the sandbox, etc. This tracking started to show me two things. First, I do a lot of awesome things during the course of an average day or week so there is no need to feel bad about myself. Second, I started to see how much I do of each kind of activity and which ones bring me the most joy. By consciously moving time from something that is not as fun like answering emails to something that is fun like playing in the sandbox with Leo, that 20-minute swing in the middle of the day energized me for the rest of it. Play—This one was simple. Every time Leo asked me to play, I tried to say “YES!” There are a lot of things that can wait, from doing the dishes to those pesky emails. I want to savor this time with him now while he is young, even if it means having a slightly messy house for a time. Play is memorable. Dishes are not. Results Shawn accomplished 96 percent of his goals for the summer and felt great about it. During my summer of no goals, I was blown away by my long list of accomplishments. I also had shifted approximately 9 percent of my time away from draining activities toward energizing ones. Small shift, great rewards And after the experiment concluded, I was recharged and ready to set goals again. Personal growth starts with each of us understanding what we need right now to inspire and propel us. That’s when applying the science helps. This year, Shawn’s formula might work perfectly for you, or you might need a mindful recharge like I needed. Or maybe it’s time to be your own scientist and come up with a new formula. What’s your approach to goal setting in the new year? Is there one goal you’d like to share? Join the discussion with me on Facebook at facebook.com/MichelleGielan. Read more: Let Technology Revolutionize Your New Year's Resolutions SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with over 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success and the author of Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national news anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.

Self-Care

How to Build Your Best Life

In 2007, a group of students at Stanford University’s design institute took on a daunting challenge: Design a low-cost incubator to save the lives of premature infants who were dying from hypothermia in poor countries like Nepal. While still on the Palo Alto, California, campus, the students began considering ways they could lower the cost of incubators by reducing the number of parts or using cheaper materials. But when they got to Nepal, they observed that many of the donated $20,000 incubators in large urban hospitals weren’t being used. And, as they traveled around the country, they noticed that the premature infants who needed those incubators were being born in remote areas. Saving their lives wasn’t a matter of retooling incubators but addressing a different problem: How could preemies in Nepal be kept warm enough in their towns and villages during their critical first days of life to survive? The students went on to create a miniature sleeping bag with a removable pouch that contained a waxlike material. When the pouch is heated in boiling water, the wax becomes a liquid, providing hours of insulated warmth without electricity. The device, called Embrace, costs just over 1 percent of what an incubator costs. It has since been used in 11 countries and has saved the lives of tens of thousands of low-weight babies. Exploring new pursuits A few years ago, Claudia Brown, a high-tech sales executive, was shifting into life as an empty nester. Open to exploring new pursuits, she began asking lots of people about the kinds of things they found interesting. On a visit to a state park near her home in Santa Cruz, California, she chatted with the guide who was leading a talk about elephant seals. Claudia had never heard of elephant seals before, but she loved animals and she loved the outdoors. What do you like about being an elephant seal docent, she asked? How much training does it take? If I wanted to become a docent what would be the first step? It turned out that there were five small steps before committing to the 25-hour training class. Claudia took those steps, one by one, and today she’s an elephant-seal expert and a docent at Año Nuevo State Park, home to one of the largest breeding colonies in the world for the pinniped. Saving lives with a tiny sleeping bag and finding meaning through work as a wildlife docent were the answers to problems from vastly different arenas. But those two solutions were arrived at through the same process: design thinking. It’s a human-centered approach to product design and problem solving that’s based on practices like understanding a problem through rigorous observation, generating tons of ideas with uncensored brainstorming and going out in the real world to explore and test possible solutions. Design thinking is the linchpin of Stanford’s design program. Formally named the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design, it’s widely dubbed simply “the d.school.” The strategy has helped countless engineers and entrepreneurs develop innovative products and launch startups. It has also helped students flourish through classes that teach them how to design a creative, healthy and happy life the same way product designers would take on developing, say, the next-generation smartphone. Change your mindset The mindset of design thinking “aligns beautifully” with the principles of positive psychology, says Dave Evans, co-author with Bill Burnett of the new best-seller Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life. Bill and Dave based their book on their hugely popular Stanford class “Designing Your Life.” Both the class and book rely on positive psychology tenets like finding flow and silencing your inner critic to take a playful, improvisational approach to creative problem solving. “We have drawn many of our ideas and exercises from the work of the positive psychology movement, and especially from the work of [premier positive psychologist] Martin Seligman,” Bill and Dave write in their book’s “Notes” section about elements from a key chapter. Bernard Roth, Ph.D., one of the founders of the d.school, its academic director and the author of The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing, and Take Command of Your Life ,believes that positive psychology and design thinking share a bedrock optimism. “In design thinking, we see our lives as something we can study and change,” he says. “You’re never stuck. It’s a can-do approach, a maker mentality, that you can apply to all domains of your life to become happier.” Reframing questions and faulty beliefs Design thinking puts as much emphasis on problem finding as it does on problem solving. If you’re losing sleep over a problem you can’t seem to solve, you’re likely working on the wrong problem. That happens, Bernard says, “when we think we’re dealing with a question when, in fact, we’re dealing with an answer that turns out not to be a good fit to our actual problem.” The question of “how to build a cheaper incubator,” for example, was an answer that didn’t address the problem of helping preemie infants in Nepal survive in their remote villages. One way to uncover the real dilemma is to ask, “What would it do for me if I solved this problem?” Say, for example, you’re grappling with the question, “How can I find a romantic partner?” If you ask yourself what finding a partner or spouse would do for you, one answer might be that a partner would make you less lonely. Next, you reframe your original question to, “How might I feel less lonely?” That dramatically expands the number of possible solutions. You could, say, take classes, join a club, get a dog, volunteer and check out some meet-up groups tailored to your interests. Another way we get tripped up, Bill and Dave point out, is by becoming mired in what they call “gravity problems.” A gravity problem is a fact of life, like the force that makes it difficult to ride your bike up steep hills. Or, say, you want to be promoted to CEO but the family-owned company where you work hasn’t named an outsider to its executive ranks in the five generations it’s been in existence. In life design, if something isn’t actionable, it’s not a problem. When you accept that, you’re free to work around the circumstance and find something that is actionable. A huffing-and-puffing cyclist might invest in a lighter bicycle or work on improving her stamina. The family-firm outsider could look for a job with a larger company or celebrate the freedom that comes with not taking on additional responsibilities and find an outside activity—taking a board position with a local charity—that provides the leadership role he’s seeking. While asking the wrong question leads us to dead ends, dysfunctional beliefs keep us stuck in place. These are the myths we tell ourselves that are both false and nongenerative. Reframing them is a key step in designing your life. Some examples that Dave and Bill offer: DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEF: If you are successful, you will be happy. REFRAME: True happiness comes from designing a life that works for you. DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEF: It’s too late. REFRAME: It’s never too late to design a life you love. DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEF: I have to find the one right idea. REFRAME: I need a lot of ideas so that I can explore any number of possibilities for my future. DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEF: I need to figure out my best possible life, make a plan and then execute it. REFRAME: There are multiple great lives (and plans) within me, and I get to choose which one to build my way toward. DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEF: I finished designing my life; the hard work is done and everything will be great. REFRAME: You never finish designing your life—life is a joyous and never-ending design project. The art of ideating “You’ll choose better,” Bill and Dave say, “when you have a lot of good ideas to choose from.” That’s why a key element of design thinking is “ideation,” which simply means coming up with a whole slew of ideas. That includes wild and crazy notions, which might not be the fix you’re looking for, but will open you to inventive possibilities. “Mind mapping” is a visual aid to free associating that can help you tap into your idea-generating genius. David Kelley and Tom Kelley, brothers and co-authors of Creative Confidence: Unleashing the Creative Potential Within Us All, say they use mind mapping all the time to encourage innovative thinking in both work and home life. (David was one of the creators of the d.school as well as the founder of IDEO, an award-winning global design firm. Tom is a partner at IDEO and an executive fellow at the University of California, Berkeley, Haas School of Business.) “From coming up with ideas for a family vacation to identifying home projects to tackle over the weekend,” they write, “mind maps can be used for all sorts of problem solving.” To create a mind map, all you need is a large piece of paper, a pen and as little as 10 minutes (set a time limit for yourself; doing the exercise quickly is important). For example, David followed the four steps of mind mapping when he was planning a dinner party. 1. Write your central topic or challenge in the middle of the page and circle it. David wrote, “A great dinner party with friends.” 2. Jot down five or six things—the first things you think of—that are related to the central theme. David’s mind map included “everyone in the kitchen,” “make your own sundaes,” “teach something” and “get them out of their comfort zone.” 3. Generate new words and thoughts from the first words that came to mind. Keep going until you have at least three or four layers of word associations. Your time limit will force you to “bypass your inner censor,” as Bill and Dave say, and write whatever comes to your mind first. 4. After your time limit is up, look at your mind map and highlight some words or concepts that jump out at you. You’ll likely find that the outer perimeter of the mind map holds the most innovative ideas, since it’s a few steps away from your automatic thinking. For David, the outer layer included such unlikely ideas as “indoor picnic,” “henna tattoos for all,” “everyone must make a hat on arrival” and “each person assigned to introduce another to the group.” What the mind map made clear was that David wanted lots of interaction at his dinner party, even among people who hadn’t previously met. He ended up throwing a party in which guests changed tables after each course, so everyone in the room got a chance to talk to each other. Moving from ideas to action Design thinking might better be called design doing. That’s because it has a strong bias to action. “When you’re designing your life, you can’t think your way there,” says Dave, “you can only live your way there.” The way you do this is through a process called “prototyping.” In design thinking, prototyping doesn’t mean creating mock-ups or dollhouse-sized models. Rather, it’s getting off your sofa to engage with the real world and have prototype conversations or prototype experiences. “Prototypes are little time machines,” Dave says. “They allow us to sneak up on the future.” When Claudia was chatting with the docent she met at the state park, she was prototyping. The bar is set low for prototypes. “You don’t have to know what you want to do with the rest of your life,” Dave says.“You don’t have to know who you are, what your purpose in life is or what your passion is. All you need is one question about which you’re a little bit curious and then you go out into the world and have some small interactions to explore where that question might take you.” Let’s imagine the question you’re pondering is pretty significant: how to make a midlife transition into a new career after 20 years in finance. You create a mind map and pick out some key words from the edges of the map. Say, “petits fours,” “Paris” and “apron.” Those words suggest some curiosity about studying pastry making at a culinary school in Paris. OK, you’re not ready to leave your family and spend a year at Le Cordon Bleu. But you could have a conversation with the woman who sells those beautiful French macarons at the farmers market. Maybe she teaches macaron-making every other Saturday. Or, perhaps, you could spend a day shadowing the owner of Le Croissant, the bakery where you’ve been stopping every morning for years on the way to your finance job. If you enjoy the experience at Le Croissant, you might sign up for a class in startups at the new culinary incubator in the next town. Or, your curiosity might be piqued by the conversation you have with the event planner who stops to pick up a cake for a gala. Her nonprofit builds shelters for women fleeing domestic abuse. Maybe you could join the planning committee for the new shelter; with your finance background, you could certainly help with fundraising. Or, perhaps you could help teach a baking class to the shelter residents. The world suddenly seems a much larger, more diverse and welcoming place. Designers imagine things that don’t yet exist, Dave and Bill say. Then they build them and the world changes. With life design, you can do this in your own life. “You can imagine a career and a life that doesn’t exist; you can build that future, and as a result your life will change,” they write. “If your life is pretty perfect as is, life design will still help you make it an even better version of the life you currently love living.” Shelley Levitt is a freelance journalist living in Southern California, and an editor at large for Live Happy.

Diverse group of teen girls sitting on a couch touching hands.

Practice

How to Raise Empathetic Kids

It’s almost the end of the hour and for the third session in a row, my life coaching client is still complaining about her partner. I’ve tried to help her have some perspective and find a level of empathy for her partner. I’ve even made a couple of guarded attempts at building gratitude, but my efforts have been tossed aside. “What do you really want?” I finally ask, beginning to doubt whether it’s a better relationship. “I want to change him,” she says, pointedly. When I tell her that’s not something I can help her do, she rebukes me for my weak approach. Needless to say, it’s our last session. Unrealistic expectations She wasn’t my first client whose idea of a healthy relationship is one where he or she can change a partner. Or whose relationships are demanding and laden with expectations—and often disappointments. Because healthy relationships of any kind grow on a bedrock of empathy, not selfish demands, where we listen in order to understand and we know how to compromise through win-win communication. There are reasons many of us struggle with this. But in working with clients such as the one I described, I’ve been struck by how often it’s the kind of parenting we receive that sets us up to believe the world revolves around us. Spare the rod… I’m not talking about dysfunctional parenting styles and insecure attachments. I’m talking about well-meaning parents who fulfill their child’s every desire and fail to set boundaries around what they can and cannot have. And in a world where consumerism is having its heyday and parents are busier than ever, many of us risk falling into that category. As a mother of four adolescents myself, I know how much easier it is to give in to my children’s apparently urgent and ever-growing “needs.” Sure, we would have fewer arguments, less emotional agony and guilt, and happier children—in the short run—if we met our children’s every demand. The dopamine addiction When we do give in to our children every time, we feed a part of the brain that’s designed to always want better and more. It’s what neuropsychologist Rick Hanson calls the “rat brain,” and when “newer and better” versions of every product constantly inundate the market, our children’s internal rat is in a continuous tizzy, setting off little “happy hits” of that addictive love drug, dopamine. This emotional frenzy, when continued over time and without proper boundaries, can actually limit the development of the prefrontal cortex that is capable of restraint and perspective. And studies in interpersonal neurobiology show that this results in a less well-integrated brain that is inflexible in its demands, unable to regulate emotions well and singularly focused on its own desires. And in a global world where our individual and collective well-being increasingly depends on our ability to have compassion and to work well with others, we need to prepare our children better. So here’s what we can do instead. 1. Set real boundaries Boundaries help our children make values-based choices, and all the more important when the choices around them are endless, and the pressure to have the latest of everything is bombarding them from many fronts. In adolescence, when the need for social approval is at its peak, boundaries help them stand their ground and enjoy what they do have, rather than run after what they don’t. However these boundaries need to be mutually agreed upon, set in advance rather than willy-nillyand adhered to so that our children learn to trust us. 2. Teach gratitude Gratitude calms the rat brain. It shifts the focus from what’s missing to what’s already present. And given that we’re wired to pay far more attention to the negative, it’s a skill we need to help our children master, so they can appreciate what they have rather than buy into the promise of happiness on the other side of “more.” One way to do so is to have frequent discussions at the dinner table of the good things in their lives that they’re grateful for. 3. Encourage giving Our society worships the individual and fools us into believing that the world revolves around us. But research shows that always being a “taker” is detrimental to our relationships, our well-being and, surprisingly, even our success. Teaching our children the importance of giving, leads not only to their increased happiness, but also to a more just world. We can help them by identifying opportunities to give, and then help them savor the joy that results from doing so. 4. Build empathy and compassion As the most social species on the planet, we’re wired for compassion. But we’re also wired for egoistic pursuits—such is the paradox of the human brain. Research shows that we have two motivational systems that regulate our thoughts, emotions and actions: The competitive system and the compassionate system. But as in the Cherokee legend of the two wolves of the heart, the one that grows stronger is the one we feed. Needless to say, in a world that idealizes fame and fortune, the competitive system is being fattened by the day. Our role as parents is critical in helping our children connect to their emotions and nurture the pathways of compassion. There are billions amongst us, and even more to come, who are desperate for our empathy. Entire populations are suffering terrible fates, and we often become inured or stop caring when we are overwhelmed by the tragedies taking place around the world. But future generations will struggle with the legacy if we let our consumerist and desires outweigh or overrule our concern for other human beings. As Diane Ackerman has so eloquently stated, future geologists will ponder our recklessness as they sift through our remains and find not bones, but all manner of residue that foretell our spoiled and egoistic lives. I know it can be difficult, but we have little choice. Think of it this way: Helping our children burst through their self-centered bubbles and strengthen their compassionate motivational system is essential for the sake of better relationships, a more egalitarian world and a brighter future for the generations who come after us. Homaira Kabir is a positive psychology coach and a cognitive behavioral therapist. She offers online courses and coaching programs to help women develop authentic beliefs in themselves, so they'reable to lead in relationships, at work and in life. Take her free confidence quiz here.

6 Relationship Resolutions for Valentines Day

Valentine’s Day Ultimate Gift Guide

Keep the Change

Is Longevity in the Cards for You?

We’re Better Together

Top 10 Books That Will Change Your Life in 2017

4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids

Which Kind of Goal Setter Are You?

How to Build Your Best Life

How to Raise Empathetic Kids

Store

Articles

Quick Links