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Networking Events and Speaking Engagements

Live Happy networking experiences feature our Co-Founder and CEO, Kym Yancey.Just by joining us you are making our world a happier place.Get ready for a stimulating transparent life-defining moment!Thursday, December 11, 2014 - Become the Wizard of "Awes"10:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.The Center Club650 Town Center DriveCosta Mesa, CA 92626For more info...Get happy news, tips and things that make you smiledelivered to your inbox.
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Go Put Your Strengths to Work
Reading

Library—Go Put Your Strengths to Work

Imagine if you could return to how youfelt as a child, trusting your strengthsand choosing to do what invigorates.Back then, I bet you didn’t give athought to working on your weaknesses.In Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance,Marcus Buckingham helps you find your way back to using your strengths.Forget trying to be well-rounded.Walk away from activities that drainyou, bore you or have little success.Instead, lean your life toward yourstrengths and identify your talents,skills and knowledge.With worksheetsand specific steps, you’ll hone in onthose activities where you naturally stayfocused and feel your best.Sure, you may have areas where youneed to get better, but as Marcus says,“You will learn the most, grow the mostand develop the most in your areas ofgreatest strength.”
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6 Steps to Transitionn at Work
work

6 Steps to Transitioning at Work

Sometimes it’s clear that we need to change something at work, but we don’t know how to go about doing it.Other times, we get this nagging feeling that something is not quite right at work, but we can’t put our finger on it. Boredom or restlessness starts to seep in. Maybe we don’t have enough responsibility. Maybe we no longer find our work challenging. Or maybe we feel like we’ve stopped learning.If you’re saying to yourself, “Oh, wow, that sounds like me,” here are some practical steps you can take to successfully make your next transition—and even accelerate it.1. Get specific about the changeConsider John, who goes into his boss’s office and says, “I’m not as jazzed-up as I used to be in my work. I need a change. What advice do you have on what I could change?” Now consider Mike, who goes into his boss’s office and says, “I’ve been thinking that I need a new challenge. I’d like to reach out to Client X, I’d like to put some thought around our technology governance process and I’d like to create a more robust summary client report.”Mike, as compared to John, is giving his boss a lot more material to work with. In the case with John, his boss might think he is just complaining. However, Mike is looking for solutions. Mike lists three specific aspects of his work that he wants to change.2. Figure out your story, then stick to itEach of us has a transition story.Margaret’s story is that she worked in human resources for more than a decade, learned the ropes, and then transitioned to her own executive coaching and consulting business 17 years ago. Margaret’s clients especially appreciate her advice because she has worked in business, and she is constantly bringing the latest research and best practices to her work.Senia’s story is that she started from an analytical background, majoring in math and economics at Harvard University and working at Morgan Stanley as well as co-founding three startups, before transitioning to research in psychology and receiving a Ph.D. in organizational behavior. Senia’s clients especially appreciate that she has a math-based and analytical background, but can also speak to how people work and think in organizations.What is your story? How did you start and how does the transition you want to make now position you even better for the future? In one short paragraph, write about how your past experience combined with the current transition makes you a compelling and valuable asset. Call three friends and tell them your story. Ask them what they think. How clear is your case for making this transition? What could make your story even more compelling for your boss or clients? Ask your listeners for their help in clarifying the relationship of the current transition to the big picture you want to achieve.3. Determine what's in it for your boss (and the company)Let’s go back to our first example with Mike and John. Mike hasn’t made his business case for why he should take on these three additional responsibilities. In coaching hundreds of executives, we’ve found three main motivators that spur managers to help their team members take on new or different work. The first is that the manager truly cares about the employee’s development, and the change is a way for the employee to continually learn and be challenged. You may be lucky enough to be working for a manager like that. However, you may not be. In that case, consider the second motivator: The change is not only good for the employee, but it is also a win for the company. And last, the third: The change makes the manager’s life easier. Be sure to frame your business case to appeal to one or more of these motivators.Now let’s examine how Mike could use Motivator No. 2. Suppose he goes to his boss and says, “I’ve developed a strong relationship with many people at Company X, and I’ve been working closely on the product that they are primarily buying from us. I think it would benefit our company if we knew of their concerns earlier in the process. I would also be glad to reach out to Client X for further business development. Let’s discuss whether this is something that I could transition to.” Might this be more convincing than just saying that he wants to work on the Client X account?4. Become a dabblerProfessor Herminia Ibarra of INSEAD business school has found that people who attempt a cold-turkey change from one profession to another are often disappointed, don’t get very far and then return to the first profession.However, she finds that some of the most successful career changers are those who basically dabble. What does that look like? These are people who remain in their profession but who also engage in volunteer activities, educational events or small tasks at work to begin exploring the new profession they are interested in.How could you dabble as part of your transition? How could you start doing more of the work you want to transition to? Be a dabbler and raise your hand for assignments that are outside the scope of your current position, department or profession.5. Train your replacement or succesorOur client Marie had taken some of the steps previously outlined. She had made her change specific in three concrete bullet points, she had shared her story with some close friends and refined it, she had presented a convincing business case to her boss, and she had started to dabble in her new work. However, she hadn’t thought about how to hand off her current workload and was starting to burn out.One of the biggest obstacles to actually making a smooth transition is identifying your replacement or successor. Make this part of your transition plan. If the tasks that you are transitioning away from are great enough, then identify and train your replacement. This may even require creating a job description of all the things you do if you don’t currently have one.If you are handing off only a few small tasks, document your process or automate it so that you can focus on your new role. Remember, make the transition easy for your boss, too.6. Just do itIt’s easier to think about doing the steps we’ve outlined than actually do them. If you are considering making a change, you have likely already spent some time thinking about it. Now it’s time to go for it. Make it concrete. Put your thinking into action.We have one important caveat: All of us can fall into the perfectionist trap from time to time. “Oh, I won’t have the discussion with my boss until I have made my change concrete, and I need a few weeks to get that right.”We’re going to be blunt: No, you don’t need a couple of weeks to get that right. Your boss could say “No” tomorrow or your boss could say “No” in a few weeks. If this transition is important to you, then you’re better off hearing the “No” earlier. Why? So that you can take other steps.Perhaps you’ll begin looking for another job. Perhaps you’ll start doing the transition with a volunteer organization.It’s time to get going and enjoy the ride.
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A man and a woman talking at work
work

Connection, Compassion and Even Love at Work

Spreading a little warmth and connection to others at the office could actually improve productivity, not to mention happiness.I’m not talking about a torrid interoffice romance, but the kind of “companionate love” that comfortably expresses caring, affection and compassion for your colleagues. If the very idea makes your toes curl with embarrassment or dread, it’s worth reconsidering how you’re approaching others in your workplace.Studies have found that, even morethan what you do at work, it’s who you do it with that leads to higher levels of engagement. In fact, your relationships with other people are the best guarantee of lowering stress and raising your wellbeing around the office.Why do other people matter so much?The truth is you’re hardwired with a biological need for social support. Every time you get to genuinely connect with another person, the pleasure-inducing hormone oxytocin is released into your bloodstream, helping to reduce anxiety and improving your concentration and focus.Studies suggest each positive interaction you have during your workday bolsters your cardiovascular, neuro-endocrine and immune systems, so the more connections you make over time, the better you function in and out of the office.But just how much love is required?The good news for HR departments everywhere, is it seems even brief, non-physical encounters which fuel openness, energy and authenticity with your colleagues can infuse you with a greater sense of vitality and a greater capacity to act.New research suggests it’s the small moments between coworkers—a warm smile, a kind note, a sympathetic ear —day after day, month after month, that help create and maintain a strong culture of compassion and mutual regard, withemployee happiness, increased productivity, and client satisfaction as a esult.So, what can you do to connect better with others at work?Professor Barbara Fredrickson, from the University of North Carolina, has discovered it takes just a micro-moment of connection to create an upward spiral of mutual care and companionate love between colleagues. Her research suggests three simple steps.First, the sharing of a positive emotion, like interest, joy, amusement, awe or pride.Secondly, synchronizing your biochemistry and behaviors through making shared eye contact with the person or matching your body gestures or vocal tone to create a moment of positivity resonance causing both brains to light up like a mirror of each other.And finally, a reflective motive to invest in each other’s wellbeing that brings about mutual care.Simple ways I’ve found to create a micro-moment of connection include:Asking appreciative questionslike, ‘What’s going well today?’Performing acts of kindness – it seems this work best if you perform at least five kind acts on one day.Spotting strengths in others – showing up to your interactions with others intentionally looking for the best in them.Expressing gratitude – giving effort-based praise rather than just focusing on the outcomes people are achieving.With the research predicting positive social connections make you want to learn more, motivate your more than money or power and improve your effectiveness and performance at work, investing in a few more moments of love in your day might be just what gets you promoted.So who will you start with?
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Happy woman portrait blowing soap bubbles at the park.
Self-Care

Working on Your Own Happiness Isn’t Selfish

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”-Robert Louis StevensonIf you had the choice to spend the day with someone who exudes happiness or someone who has a martyr thing going, it wouldn’t be a tough decision, right? How about your super upbeat friend vs. your chronic complainer friend? Not a challenging choice there either. Spend time with someone who exudes positivity, and you are more likely to feel positive. Hang with someone who acts like life’s number one victim, and guaranteed, Debbie downer is going to rub off on you. It’s called emotional contagion, and it means the emotions of others can influence us. So if happy people make other people happy, why is it that happy people are sometimes thought to be selfish?“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided,” says Gretchen Rubin, happiness expert and author of The Happiness Projectand Happier at Home. “It's more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted.” Put another way …Happiness takes work. Happy people are taken for granted because they are thought of as naturally happy people or born happy, yet upbeat people have to work at being resilient, bouncing back, rising above, and staying positive. The outside world only sees the happy person and not the effort behind the scenes, so positive people don’t receive credit for creating their sunshine-like dispositions. “Happiness is a work ethic. You have to train your brain to be positive, just like you work out your body,” writes Shawn Achor is his book, The Happiness Advantage.Happy people are overlooked. If happy people are thought to be in selfish pursuit of their own fulfillment and pleasure, consider that the happy person often goes unnoticed. “No one is careful of (a happy person’s) feelings or tries to keep his spirits high,” Rubin says. “Because happy people seem self-sufficient, they become a cushion for others.” The happy person is expected to lift others up.Happiness doesn’t mean you lack empathy. Just because your smile lights up a room, doesn’t mean you are blind to the suffering going on in the world. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness to show the world you are compassionate. “Just as eating your dinner doesn’t help starving children in India; being blue yourself doesn’t help unhappy people become happier,” Rubin says. In fact, happier people are better equipped to demonstrate their empathy and help people because their emotional tanks are full. “When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems. I have more energy to try to take action and I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving,” Rubin says. There will always be tragic stories happening in the world, but empathy is better expressed with giving back and good deeds, than giving up your happiness in a show of support.Happy people give back. Happy people are more interested in social problems, more likely to do volunteer work and contribute to charity, according to Gallup Well-being polls. While unhappy people tend to socially withdraw and focus on themselves, happy people turn outward and are more available to help others. And when people give back it only enhances their happiness, says Harvey McKinnon, a nonprofit fundraising expert and author of The Power of Giving: How Giving Back Enriches Us All. “People are hard-wired to give, and when people give to others, it makes them feel better.” Turns out, one of the best ways to get happy in the first place is to do a selfless act—help other people be happy. Rubin calls it a splendid truth: “The best way to make yourself happy is to make others happy, and the best ways to make other people happy, is to be happy yourself.”So if anyone tries to rain on your happy parade by telling you that your investment in your happiness is a selfish pursuit, just say, “I am doing this for you,” because really, you are.Sandra Bienkowski, owner of The Media Concierge, LLC, is a national writer of wellness and personal development content and a social media expert.
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Two women smiling during a work meeting.
Workplace

The Five Mistakes We Make in Work Relationships

What's the one thing that can make or break a company?Hint: It's not technology, capital or marketing prowess.It's relationships.That's what Gay and Kathlyn "Katie" Hendricks, husband-and-wife founders of the California-based Hendricks Institute, believe after studying personal and business relationships for three-plus decades. In their research and consulting work, they've watched creativity and productivity blossom once people relate to each other in healthy ways.Katie Hendricks says workplace issues are almost always about relationships. "There's some sort of issue keeping people from collaborating or meeting a deadline or making a product," she says. Backstabbing co-workers, meddling supervisors, impossible-to-please executives and down-in-the-dumps naysayers are more than just workplace nuisances—they hinder the whole organization.At the root of this damaging behavior is lack of integrity in interactions, Gay and Katie Hendricks assert. So the couple developed their own definition of "operational integrity," with these four pillars as guidelines for positive behavior. (Read more explanation in How to Improve Office Relations Todayon Success.com.)Emotional literacy:Understand your feelings and the source of those feelings. Work through those emotions so they don't sully your interoffice relationships.Impeccable agreements:Keep agreements you make; don't make agreement you can't keep; know when agreements need to be altered.Authentic speaking and resonant listening:Speak truthfully and openly. Listen with empathy.Healthy responsibility:Learn to take full responsibility for your work. Promote and inspire responsibility in others.These principles are the backbone of the institute's relationship coaching. Adhere to them through awareness, evaluation and practice as advised on the next four pages, and the result will be a more positive, productive and creative company, the Hendrickses say. Shatter the principles, and you end up making the five most common mistakes the couple see in the workplace. (Spoiler alert: You may see yourself as a workplace morale-sucker in some of these mistake scenarios. Don't worry; none of us is perfect—and we'll tell you how to change.)Mistake No. 1: Reacting Defensively or Engaging in Other Damaging CommunicationEvery life experience and interaction is a learning opportunity, and the Hendricks Openness-to-Learning Scale measures how much we take advantage of an opportunity—how we talk to other people and how we react when they speak to us. Do we get defensive? Are we willing to hear other people's feedback? Do we rush to judge our colleagues' suggestions, or do we actuallylisten to what they have to say? Are we open to learning from our interactions?"One type of communication takes you to positive resolution. Another takes you toward dissolution," Gay Hendricks says. "People need to know at any given moment if they are communicating in a way that takes them to a positive resolution or if they are leading in a way that makes things fall apart." The Openness-to-Learning Scale ranks what's being said from +10 (high openness to learning) to -10 (low openness to learning).Here's how it works: Let's say you're in a meeting. You earn a +5 if you are listening carefully and able to paraphrase another's words without interjecting your point of view. You'll score a whopping +10 if you start implementing the ideas voiced in the meeting. It's a -5 if you are silent, become edgy or show frustration. You're a relationship-killer if you earn a -10 for creating an uproar or departing abruptly.You don't have to agree with the presenter to earn high marks. You don't even have to like the presenter. What you have to learn to do to keep a coveted high score is to express your reservations or ask your questions in a respectful, non-confrontational way. In other words, it's not what you say but how you say it. Don't mutter, "That's never going to work." Do offer, "You have some interesting ideas, but have you thought about possible complications like..."Clients love the scale, the Hendrickses say. Hold up the chart during the meeting, and you can literally track where your and your colleagues' comments fall. Even better, you can consider where your next statement might land before you say it."It allows people to make a quantifiable shift," Katie Hendricks says. "It gives them very specific things to do." So before you utter something like, "That's never going to work" (-7 on the scale), shift your language to, "I can see how you came to that conclusion based on the data you have" (+4).Ahhh. Those relations are already warming, yielding an atmosphere where people can speak their minds (remember integrity), share ideas and let the creativity erupt.Mistake No. 2: Overusing Analysis and UnderutilizingBody WisdomOur bodies have a lot to do with how we interact with other people. "Often when things aren't going well, it has more to do with what's going on with people's bodies rather than what's going on with people's minds," Gay Hendricks says. And Katie interjects: "When people get this, it's really revolutionary."Think about it: Is there a nagging fear pricking your gut? A sadness pressing on your chest? If your body isn't healthy, your relationships probably aren't, either.Katie remembers an executive who was sitting in a stalemated strategy session. The executive noticed that everyone seemed to be holding his or her breath. "She let herself come into an easy, relaxed breathing.... She did that for about five minutes, and they moved through the impasse and were able to resolve it," Katie says.Gay remembers a similar situation. A top-ranking official at a major computer company had an anger-management issue. After spending about 10 minutes alone with the client, Gay noticed he wasn't breathing easily, and pointed it out, remarking, "I wonder if deep underneath, there is some sadness or disappointment?" Stunned by the revelation, the client realized that was exactly what was going on. He worked through those issues and starting interacting with employees in new, calmer and more respectful ways.So be in tune with your body. Then be aware of others' body language, because it could reveal a strain in relations. Is your business partner voicing agreement but frowning with unease? Remark on that: Tell her you noticed her expression and ask whether something is troubling her. Doing so may draw out that concern, allowing you both to act with integrity because you are communicating truthfully with each other. Whatever tension may have existing can dissolve rather than solidify.Mistake No. 3: Getting Stuck in the Victim/Villain/Hero TriangleDraw a triangle. Label the points "victim," "villain" and "hero." Most people have played one or more of these parts during their careers, but none of them belongs in the workplace. "All problematic human interaction and drama appears on this triangle," Gay Hendricks says.The victim feigns cluelessness and whimpers "you did this to me." The villain hollers, bullies and blames. The hero rushes in to save the day, cleaning up the relationship messes left by the other two—but in doing so, he allows others to shirk their responsibilities. "People are just running around from one role to another without ever getting away from it," Katie Hendricks says. "A shift in that will really enable relationships and the organization to move forward."So how do you remove yourself and your colleagues from the triangle?First, be aware of the roles. Then thing about the lessons you've learned form the previous relationship mistakes. Where does your language fall on the Openness-to-Learning Scale? What is your body language saying? What is your emotional state, and is it interfering with your interactions? Is some old wound turning you into a victim? Is some insecurity making you a villain?Breaking the triangle requires some soul-searching—a task sometimes challenging for the stoic executive."Start by thinking of your emotions as friends. Your feelings have evolved over thousands of years to bring you useful information. For example, if you feel sadness, it's a signal that you've experienced loss of some kind. Anger brings you a message that you perceive some unfairness in a situation you're in; fear lest you know you feel threatened in some way. If you can begin to think of your feelings as friends, rather than enemies to control, it will make a huge difference in creating workplace harmony," Katie says.Starting can be as easy as breathing. Learn to take slow, controlled breaths—five counts in, five counts out—to lessen anxiety.Journaling can also be helpful. The Hendrickses recommend writing without self-editing as a way of expressing those "unruly" emotions. They also suggest listening to classical music as a way of calming the mind and increasing the flow of creativity and problem-solving.If you and your colleagues commit to emotional intelligence goals, maybe your company can write itself a new triangle, one in which employees' roles move their businesses forward through positive relationships and mutual goals.Mistake No. 4: Concealing Things That Don't Need to Be ConcealedKeeping secrets from each other drives a wedge into relationships. "Holding things close to the chest used to be strategic," Katie Hendricks says, but today's emphasis on transparency has superseded the old corporate secrecy. Companies reveal more and more information to employees—from financial information to news about what's going on in all levels of the organization.Doing so helps employees embrace company missions and avoids what Gay calls "niggles," nagging concerns or reservations that keep people from buying in. "The more information they have, the more it helps them overcome niggles and engage their passion," he says.Enacting open communication is not as simple as sending out memos and updates. The real communication mistakes happen when we conceal emotions and concerns. That practice creates rifts in relationships and sabotages productivity.This relates to integrity, too: speaking openly and honestly even when you don't think your colleague really wants to hear what you have to say. So why do people hold back? In training sessions, they give the Hendrickses all sorts of reasons why they conceal their thoughts. Maybe some sound familiar:I don't want to hurt your feelings.I feel dumb (or embarrassed) telling you.If I tell you, it'll create a whole new problem.I'm afraid you'll get mad.I should be able to handle this myself."When people are not being authentic with each other, you have to fight your way through the layers of inauthenticity to get to the real issue," Gay says.Sometimes the layer is a personal matter than influences workplace performance and behavior. No one is suggesting that employees reveal every detail of their personal lives, but simply letting co-workers know you're frazzled because a newborn kept you up all night, for example, lets colleagues know that a short temper or attention span does not stem from a job-related matter.Or when someone is troubled by a workplace matter, concealment can lead to havoc in company operations. Imagine the complications that can arise when someone doesn't speak out about a concern early and it becomes a major issue. Or when nagging fears prevent people from fully engaging in a project. Will those folks really take 100 percent responsibility?Top executives need to create a culture of openness. "The higher up you are in a company, the more it is incumbent on you to be open," Gay says. Of course, in many companies, the higher up you are, the more practiced you are at staying tight-lipped.If you have trouble opening up, Gay suggest first learning how to listen. "A lot of bosses are listening to criticize. They are coming at whatever communication comes their way with the intent of rebutting it," he says.Ninety-nine percent of statements, however, don't need such rebukes. Once managers and executives create an environment of openness for their subordinates, the more these high-ranking employees will be likely to transition from concealment to openness themselves. Imagine the workplace culture that managers and executives can build if they honestly express their fears, doubts, concerns and disappointments with staff members (in a way that doesn't blame them for those doubts and disappointments, of course)."Allowing people to see you be open and vulnerable increases the integrity and it makes the organization stronger," Katie says. It make you a real human being instead of a corporate figurehead—and you're on your way to building superb business relationships.Mistake No. 5: Taking More Than 100 Percent ResponsibilityLet's examine that hero role more carefully because the "model employee" usually isn't considered to be a problem. But that person may be muddying business relations in ways he or she may never have considered.We all know (or have been) the office hero: the one who stays late to ensure the group project gets done, the one who takes on way more than the rest of the team, the one who cleans up a co-worker's mess. "If you do that over and over, it's very easy to become a martyr. And martyrs usually have an unhappy ending," Gay Hendricks says.So before you rush to bail out anyone or everyone, consider: What's your share of responsibility? "It's important for an executive to create an atmosphere where everyone takes 100 percent responsibility," he says. If one team member takes 80 percent responsibility for his work, then someone else is taking 120 percent—his 100 percent share plus the 20 percent carryover from his slacker colleague. This dynamic is bound to lead to conflict.The responsibility mistake plays out in many ways. Katie Hendricks remembers a time earlier in The Hendricks Institute's operations in which her employees would perform well until she walked into the room. "Everyone started acting really stupid," she recalls. Katie eventually realized that she was the problem. She had a habit of grabbing the reins and taking control. Sure, she was the boss, but she wasn't allowing her team members to take their share of responsibility and work to their potential.Take off your cape. Do your share of work to your best ability and let everyone else do the same.The Hendricks Openness-to-Learning ScaleThese actions reflect low openness to learning:-1 Showing polite interest outwardly while inwardly clinging to your point of view and/or rehearsing rebuttal-2 Explaining how the person has misperceived the situation-3 Interpreting what the person is saying as an attack-4 Justifying why you're the way you are or acted the way you did-5 Going silent, getting edgy, snappy or frustrated-6 Finding fault with the way the message is delivered-7 Righteous indignation; demanding evidence in a hostile manner-8 Blaming someone or something else-9 Attacking or threatening the messenger, verbally or otherwise-10 Creating an uproar or making an abrupt departure
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work

8 Ways to Be Happier at Work

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first: If you love your job, it’s easier to smile as you trot off to work each day. On the flip side, if you describe your job with words like despise, you may want to look for more enjoyable work—something closer to your purpose or passion. No matter where you rank on the work-happiness scale, there are things you can do to be happier at work. Wake up earlier. You are thinking, “Are you kidding me?” Nope. Getting up earlier will allow you some you-time before you herd the kiddos, pack lunches and fight commuter traffic. Take time when the house is quiet. It may require practice to get up earlier, but you will give your mind some breathing space to enjoy the sun coming up, an early walk, a cup of coffee, a good book, or a conversation with your spouse before the day gets going. Do what you dread most, first. Get the dread off your plate by conquering it first. Just knowing there’s a project or task you don’t want to do can bring you down. Go after it first thing, so you no longer have to think about it. Plus, it can fuel your momentum for the day. Don’t dwell on the negative. According to happiness expert, Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want unhappy people are more likely than happy people to dwell on negative events. Dwelling or rumination can drain your mental resources and reinforce unhappiness. Avoid negative people, gossip and drama. Don’t replay negative experiences. Dwell on aspects of work you like. Take charge of your own growth. You are responsible for your professional development. You have lots to gain from expanding your skill set and plenty to lose if you remain stagnant. Invest in yourself. Keep your commitments. Not doing or delivering what you said you were going to do is a huge happiness drain. Whether it’s a tiny promise or a looming work deadline, deliver on your commitments—every single time. Make a work-specific gratitude list. What do you like about your job? Everyone can find something to love. Maybe it’s your short commute, your cubicle-mate, or your benefits package. Look for and capture all the things you love about your job—the act alone of writing a gratitude work list will switch your brain to the positive. Use your strengths. Even if you aren’t living your passion for your paycheck, you can find ways to use your strengths at work. What are your skills and interests? How can you more effectively use them at work? When you use your strengths, you create what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “flow”—being fully immersed in your work and focused. Time goes by faster and you feel happier. Go outside at least once a day and if possible, take a walk, says Gretchen Rubin, best-selling author of The Happiness Project. “The sunlight and activity is good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.” Remember, there are about 260 workdays in a year. That’s a lot of days to be dragging your feet to work. Choose to make your work time happier instead.
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Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook
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Transcript – Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:01] SS:  Thank you for joining us for episode 483 of Live Happy Now. Election season is fully underway, and that means many of us are already feeling that little thing called election stress, but this week we're offering a way to help you through it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and I'm joined by Dr. Lauren Cook, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Generation Anxiety. We've partnered with Lauren to provide a free four-week email course on overcoming election stress, and she's here today to talk about some of the common causes of election stress, what we can do about it, and how this free email course can help. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:43] SS:  Lauren, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [0:00:45] LC: Always good to be with you, Paula. Thanks for having me. [0:00:49] SS:  I am so excited to talk to you. We have been talking about this for a while, and putting this together. If you know me, I love a good origin story. It's really your origin story. Tell our listeners how this whole idea of addressing election stress came about. [0:01:06] LC: Well, Paula takes one to know one. We'll just – prepared. I'm a millennial myself, and in my own lived experience, I was seeing such a surge of anxiety in my life. I was seeing it with my peers. I'm a clinical psychologist, so now I treat many millennial and Gen Z clients. I've seen so acutely, really over the last decade how much trauma there's been, just collective anxiety. You notice it starts to become almost a little bit cyclical with each election cycle. So, you know, I know you and I were talking about, as we get ready for this big election coming up, really wanting to be intentional about providing mental health support for folks, so that we can be preventative this time, because I think sometimes, we almost have that response after the fact. This time we really want to get ahead of it to make sure people feel supported. [0:01:58] SS:  Yeah. That is true. You had brought the thought to me that this was something that you were seeing in your practice, and this is really how it all began. Based on that, what are some of the things that you're seeing are the main causes of election stress? Because we have elections every four years, but it hasn't been like this, every four years forever. [0:02:20] LC: Yeah. It's true. Things are so much more heightened. I think there's a lot of key reasons why that is. I talk about this in my book Generation Anxiety of why is it that we're seeing such a surge in anxiety, both in prevalence, the amount of people who are experiencing it and severity, the intensity of those symptoms. The low hanging fruit, we've got to name this, is the social media piece. It knows, the algorithm knows how to get into our brains, how to feed us vitriolic content. We know too, and these companies know that posts get way more attraction when they use things like hate speech, and when they use things like graphic, violent images. It just gets more eyeballs on it. We have to first acknowledge we're getting inundated with content. We're being fed very different content too, based on how we interact with it. So, what one person may be taking in is entirely different than what another person is taking in. We also have to consider too, and this is I think sometimes generationally where people can experience it differently, anybody can create content. Anybody, like anything. It's not like 50 years ago, right, where you have the main network news channels and these different newspapers, and that was the mainstay of where people got their content. Now, your neighbor, your mom, your nephew, they can all post videos, right? Not always really have that content back checked, but a lot of people can take any kind of information that they see online as truth. I think that's where things have gotten a lot more decisive as well. [0:04:00] SS:  Yeah. With the rise of fake news and the application of AI, how does that stress us out? Because when we see something now, we have to go through this whole cycle of, is this real? Is it true? What's really going on here? There's a processing that we didn't used to have to go through. [0:04:18] LC: Exactly, exactly. It's a whole other level of vetting. We are essentially having to be editors to everything, whereas before, it would be someone's job at the LA Times, for example, to be the editor. Now, we are all the editors. So, that really takes a psychological toll over time. I'll also add, it has gotten so contentious where people feel like if you disagree with me, I can't have a relationship with you. It feels so threatening to me to have relationship with someone who feels differently than I. I think part of that is because the content has become so intensified. So, how do we come back to that space where we can sit around the table, have our turkey dinner together, and not throw a fork at someone. How do we get back to that space, even holding that we may very much disagree? I think that is really a collective goal that we all need to come back to. [0:05:17] SS:  I'm so glad you brought that up, because I've seen posts where people say, basically, if you can't agree with me on this, this, and this, then we can't be friends anymore. It seems like there's just these hard lines being drawn. I received a text from a person I know this morning, and it was very political and it didn't skew the way that I believe. I just wrote – text her back and I said, “Hey, let's not do the political thing this year, okay? Thanks.” She wrote back and just said, “Okay.” I think that's, like it's done. That's it. [0:05:50] LC: I love that. [0:05:51] SS:  In many cases, we feel though that we have to defend our position. How do we go through that little thing? [0:06:01] LC: Yeah. Oh, it's so tricky. This is something I have a lot of clients bring into the therapy space of how do I navigate this, right? Because I see the opposite side of it too, where people really silence themselves with how they feel about things, because they're so afraid if I post about how I feel about this, all these people are not going to talk to me anymore. Then we're really missing an opportunity where we could learn from each other and have respectful discourse and dialogue. It really comes back to what we call the dialectic to both end holding the possibility that we can completely disagree and we can still be respectful towards each other. Does it mean we're going to be besties? Maybe not. But I can still hold respect for your humanity, your lived emotional experience. We've got to come back to empathy with that, right? There's this amazing quote that if you really got to know every single person on this planet, you would find something to love about them. That is true even with people who we completely disagree with politically, right? There can still be, for most people, something that we can still connect to in our shared humanity. [0:07:14] SS:  Yeah. That's something I really try to look for, where it might be someone who thinks very differently than I do. I'm like, “Yeah, but they rescue animals.” It's – [0:07:25] LC: Yeah. [0:07:26] SS:  They do that. How bad can they be? [0:07:29] LC: It's hard, right? We get into all or nothing thinking a lot. [0:07:33] SS:  Right. [0:07:33] LC: This is actually what gives people a lot of anxiety, because when we label people as all good or all bad, then we have to turn the mirror on ourselves and say, “Well, am I an all-good person?” [0:07:45] SS:  No – [0:07:47] LC: Show me an all-good person. It's an impossible amount of pressure. We have to then start looking at the fact of like, oh, I have messy broken parts in myself too, just as I'm looking at other people and seeing their messy broken parts and really checking ourselves on that front of like, I'm no better than someone else, like we're all just in the mess trying to figure it out, right? But I think we have to check ourselves when we get into that, this person's good or bad or this person's right or wrong kind of thing. [0:08:16] SS:  Absolutely. Something that you've created for us and I am so excited to finally unveil is our four-part email series on election stress. Can you just walk us through what the four steps or weeks that you have and what people can expect when they sign up for this? [0:08:33] LC: Yes. Let me just say, Paula, like thank you so much for advocating for this content, because talk about something that's impacting our experience of happiness. This election gets in the way of that certainly. I love you making space for this. The first piece is identifying what the heck is election anxiety? What is this stress? What are the signs of it? How can I notice if I myself or my loved ones are struggling with it? What do we do about it? How do we work through it, right? I never want folks to feel like they have to just sit in this and not do anything about it. That's why I write so much about what I call empowered acceptance. We'll just tease it at that, so that people want to find out more. Then we also talk about how do you actually have relationships with people when you do disagree, especially as we get into the holiday season coming up, there's just statistically no way, probably that everyone in your family feels the exact same way you do. So, how do we have respectful discourse in our workplace, in our homes, all these different spaces, including online? Then the last piece is processing the aftermath. You and I are talking about this before the election has happened. We don't know what's going to take place in a few months, but we really want to provide people support whether their party wins, whether their party loses. We don't know, but all the same how to handle victory, how to handle loss with grace no matter what and really have compassion for other people's experiences of it too. That's a bit of a teaser of what's ahead. [0:10:01] SS:  Yeah. I'll just say for our listeners that this is exceptionally well written and presented and it is such valuable information and it's a free email course that we're going to offer. I'm really excited to be doing that. As we're talking about that first issue that comes out, the signs of election stress, what are just a couple of the symptoms that you're experiencing election stress? [0:10:27] LC: I'll give folks three things to pay attention to. One, the physicality of it. Anxiety is such a physical experience and we often forget that. If you notice you're having sleep problems, stomach problems, stomach problems and anxiety are best friends, unfortunately. Pay attention to any physical cues that you notice. Then people tend to go one of two ways with election anxiety. They either get obsessive about it. If you notice you're having the news cycle on constantly, you're taking in the same content over and over again, but you just can't walk away. It's become addicting for you or oppositely you're having an avoidant response. You don't know anything of what's going on politically, because it's too overwhelming for you or it's too activating. Either of those signs or cues that election anxiety may be at your back door. [0:11:19] SS:  That's really good. Now your work, as you've said, it's primarily with Gen Z and millennials, so you see how it's affecting them, but this election stress takes down every generation. Does Gen X and baby boomers respond to it differently than you see with Gen Z and millennials? [0:11:37] LC: Well, I think we all have some collective trauma in a way around past election cycles and how divided it led to in our families. We talked about this in the newsletter that one in five report that they have family relationship struggles, because of things that have happened with the election. So, when you take that all to heart and you think about the amount of estrangement that occurs in this country, I just did a really interesting post about the amount of families that go through estrangement. It's about 25%. [0:12:08] SS:  Oh, really? [0:12:09] LC: Gen X, the silent generation, all these different generations. They too are just as concerned about their millennial, their Gen Z kiddos, family members cutting them off. They really want to have close relationships with their loved ones. They also feel passionate about their viewpoints too. So, that could be a particular source of stress of what if my kid decides to cut me out and then I don't know how to navigate that again. I'd say that's really the biggest stressor. I'm seeing that a lot of families are a little bit more avoidant, honestly, of having conversations around at this time, because it's like, we've been here before, we've seen how this goes. You know what, that may be a little bit of a safer approach preserving that family unit versus nailing a point down to make a point, but then not having a relationship with your kid in the aftermath of that. [MESSAGE] [0:13:01] SS:  This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. As our kids head back to school, it's a great time to give ourselves the opportunity to also learn something new. We can get so focused on meeting the needs of our families that we forget about what lights us up, but when we connect with our sense of wonder and curiosity, it adds more joy and meaning to our lives. One way to rediscover that curiosity is through therapy. With the help of a therapist, you can reconnect with your sense of wonder and explore what you're interested in and where you'd like to grow and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Because it's completely online, BetterHelp works with your schedule. Just fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. So, launch your own back to school journey and rediscover what you're curious about with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/live happy to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com/live happy. Now, let's get back to our show. [INTERVIEW CONTINUED] [0:14:05] SS:  How do you prepare for these inevitable conversations or prepare yourself for the things that pop up, like somebody texting me something that I didn't need to see? How do you go into this season prepared? [0:14:20] LC: I think you handled that so beautifully by the way – like that is goals right there. One, I think we need to go into these conversations like having sets and rules for ourselves of we're not going to get into politics tonight and really naming that with family as well. Before things really get heated saying, “Hey, let's not go here tonight. Let's have a good time together.” Knowing you can always redirect to if it is feeling too intense and too fraught. I will also say being mindful of our alcohol and substance use, it's an important point to make, because once people start to have different substances, we're not using our cognitive functioning to the same degree. That can lead people to get pretty unfiltered at times. Then also, really coming back to compassion and kindness with each other. If we do say something hurtful, owning that and saying like, “Hey, I'm really sorry that I hurt you in that. I hope at the end of the day, I respect you and I want to have a good relationship with you, even if we disagree.” That can be such a joining comment when people may feel hurt by some of the things that we've said. [0:15:31] SS:  Right now, we're talking like how do I keep myself from being that person? What about those situations where it's another person who feels very determined to share their thoughts and their beliefs with us? How do we alleviate some of that? As you said, you have clients who just shut down and internalize things. What's the best way to handle that? Then deal with the stress that comes in the aftermath of that experience? [0:16:00] LC: I think you have to ask yourself first going in, how curious am I to better understand this? Because sometimes we genuinely are curious. I want to know like how did you come to this belief pattern, right? If you can comment something from a place of curiosity, you're going to be able to withstand that conversation a lot better, but if you're noticing even that physical reaction of like, “Oh, I'm feeling a little hot, like my heart's racing.” Then that's a sign of like, okay, maybe we go the route of taking in, listening, but not like jumping in with our argument or we set a very clear boundary of like, “Hey, I can tell you've thought a lot about this. I'm not sure we're going to be able to get on the same page with this, so let's shift gears.” You can even almost incorporate like a little humor and playfulness, some lightness in it, because these conversations get heavy real quick, right? Also, worst case scenario, because a lot of us struggle with people pleasing and we start to get pulled into these conversations, set the boundary physically, remove yourself, right? “Oh, you know what? I'm so parched. I got to get a drink in the kitchen. I'm going to get a glass of water.” Right? It doesn't have to be this big aggressive moment, but you're shifting the energy, you're extricating yourself from the situation. It's always fine to do that. [0:17:18] SS:  Is there any practice you have that you can use daily to set your intention and set your day to say, “Okay, this is how we're going to play it.” Because it really is a day-to-day thing. We are, as you have pointed out, we are getting bombarded with information, opinions, fake news, and it's a lot. It's almost like you get out of bed and you need to put on your helmet. [0:17:40] LC: I know. It is. It is. [0:17:42] SS:  Get in there. What is the psychological helmet that we can put on? [0:17:46] LC: That's a good way to put it. My recommendation is find some way to take in some content, either the start of your day or mid-morning, like understand the lay of the land of what's happening in our country. I do think it's important to be informed about these issues. Then 15 minutes, once you have a general sense of like, “Okay, here's what's going on in the world today.” You've checked that box. You don't need to keep playing the tape over and over again. I really do think the news cycle and Liz Moody talks about this on her podcast. It's addictive for people. It's a stimulant and people can get very sucked into what's going to happen next, right? Get your entertainment elsewhere if it's not benefiting your mental health. Give yourself that permission of finding your outlet in other ways. If you're getting repeat information, it's time to change the channel. [0:18:41] SS:  Yeah. One thing I did, and this started in 2020, I stopped watching news on television, because it was just – I can't control what's coming at me. I started then consuming my news through websites, through news that way, newspaper, online. Then what I started doing was shutting off notifications. [0:19:05] LC: Yeah. [0:19:06] SS:  Because breaking news, it's like getting these little grenades thrown at you like every couple of hours. So, to cut off those notifications was really big. It makes you feel or makes me feel more calm. It's less intrusive. It feels also like I'm in control of what I consume instead of having it's not – I saw this great meme that said, “Life doesn't hand me lemons. It lobs them at me through a lemon cannon.” I was like, the like the news is, you know? [0:19:35] LC: That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, not amazing that that's how it feels, but that's a great metaphor for it. Yeah. It is like that. I saw that even with the Olympics where they would send me the spoiler that would be like, “No.” [0:19:49] SS:  I was going to watch that. [0:19:50] LC: Exactly, exactly. Yeah, go with the pace that works for you, right? I also will say though, when we do self-select our own content, it can start to get very filtered from like one lens. [0:20:04] SS:  Right. [0:20:05] LC: I am a writer die today show girl. That's where my dreams, like Beyond Today show, I love that show so much. I like that it's something that they are trying one hopes to market to every person in this country. [0:20:20] SS:  Right. [0:20:20] LC: That being said, and millennials in Gen Z are really pushing this that mainstream news is not sharing the nitty-gritty, the full details of what's going on. So, keeping that in mind that our news sources may be not doing the deep dives that they should. So, that's where I do think we need a nuanced approach of, okay, what is content that's meant to be accessed by everybody? Then looking at what are the deeper dives to. [0:20:51] SS:  Sometimes what I'll do is when there's particularly exciting headline, and I see you on one form of media, I'll go and look at what the exact opposite thinking media says about it. Because I'm like, “I just want to see what they say.” It's one, it's very interesting because it gives a lot of insight into why some people might think the way that they do and on either side of it. It is very interesting to get a look at it through two very different lenses. [0:21:22] LC: It is. When you look at it that way, I think it really becomes so clear, like we take in the narratives that we are fed, right? If you keep taking in only one path of a narrative, that's going to become like an entrenched hike that you just go up over and over again versus this other hike, which has its own path, right? But if you never walk up it, it's going to feel totally foreign and unknown to you. I think that's a real humbling thing that most of us don't want to admit. That we are a product of our environment, our families where we're raised, like you put the same person in different environments. They often will adapt to the ideologies of the environment that they're in. So, we really have to, I think, humble ourselves to know like, okay, I've got to check myself in terms of like what content I'm taking in. [0:22:14] SS:  That's a great tip. As we go through the season, as we have this anxiety that bubbles up, when does someone know that the amount of stress they're feeling over the election is normal or if they need to get some help for it? [0:22:29] LC: Yeah. Here's some hallmark signs. If it's really impacting your sleep cycle deeply, like you are losing sleep at night over this, having ruminating thoughts, can't fall asleep, pay attention to that. If you are getting obsessive about it, where it's all you can talk about, think about. People in your life are giving you feedback of like time out, like can we talk about something other than politics, or if you are having panic attacks that you're noticing, or you're having such avoidant behaviors where you're not wanting to vote, because it feels like, “Well, what's the point?” Like you're so disengaged that you are making your life smaller and smaller. Lean into that process, like how can we expand that for you, because the goal is to be an active participating citizen that can handle the discomfort of things not always working out how we want, but still keeping the hope alive that it's worth it for us to show up politically. [0:23:26] SS:  Yeah. Someone might be hesitant to say, well, I need to see someone about election anxiety, but – there's no shame in that. I mean, that's a real deal that's going on. [0:23:38] LC: I'm so glad that you bring that up, Paula. I wish people could hear the amount of clients that talk about the election in my therapy office with me, but it's a real thing that gives people anxiety. So, validating it for yourself, not shaming yourself or saying, “Well, other people have it so much worse than me.” These are real fears, real concerns you deserve to give yourself the space to process those things. [0:24:04] SS:  I love it. Lauren, as always, you give us fantastic insights. We're going to tell everyone how they can sign up for your election stress email course and share it with their friends. We'll come back when all of this is done and talk about it again. Until then, just thank you so much for what you're doing and for coming and talking to me today. [0:24:25] LC: Always a pleasure, Paula. [OUTRO] [0:24:31] SS:  That was Dr. Lauren Cook talking about election stress. If you'd like to sign up for our free email course on overcoming election stress or learn more about Lauren, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode or click on the Discover tab at the top of our site and choose newsletter. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Live Happy Now. If you are already receiving us every week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, while you're there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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