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Change Your Story, Change Your Life

Everyone has a story. Our personal narrative plays a role in how we approach situations in life, other people and our own self-concept. Our story contains countless pieces of information, some random and insignificant, others full of meaning. Although the facts of our history are immutable, the way we react to them and weave them into our personal narrative is not. When we feel a need to make changes in our lives, we can rewrite or revise our story any time we like. It is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, to start over, and to behave in new and different ways. The start of a new year is a great time to think about rewriting your story by looking at your past, and deciding what changes to make for the future. Often our stories are connected to events from our past. Positive chapters such as a happy childhood, successful career trajectory or healthy relationship can impact our personal stories in an inspiring and uplifting way. These happy events can make us more kind, provide us a more positive outlook, and even improve our self-esteem. On the other hand, negative life events such as trauma, addiction, illness, divorce, etc., can impact our story in a negative way. These often leave us feeling isolated, depressed and anxious. They affect how we deal with people and circumstances later in life. Challenging and painful chapters can make it harder for us to rewrite our story because we feel stuck in the past, powerless or even unable to make a change. You can transform your story. Timothy Wilson, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the University of Virginia, is an expert in what he calls “story editing,” a way to edit our stories by rewriting the path we are taking. “Our experience of the world is shaped bythe stories we tell ourselves and our interpretations of it, and these stories can often become so distorted and destructive that they completely hinder our ability to live balanced, purposeful, happy lives. So the key to personal transformation is story transformation,” he says. 1. Assess who you are. The first step in rewriting your story is to assess who you are, how you have been feeling and behaving, and what circumstances have impacted your life. Ask yourself, “What is my story and what would I like to change about it?” Take time to truly figure out who you are, what is missing, what needs to be improved and how you want to be in the future. An important part of this step is to realize that you can be resilient and rise above challenging times, and a challenging past, by taking steps toward positive change. Read more: Are You Facing Your Addictions? 2. Identify what changes you want to make. The second step is to begin to work on the changes needed to rewrite your story. I have a client who I will call Lisa. She is an intelligent woman who balances working and raising a family. She is responsible, educated and kind-hearted. However, due to a troubled childhood, Lisa has always been the type of person who gets very wrapped up in her own life. Only her husband and children are included in her circle. As a result of this, her co-workers and friends feel they cannot count on Lisa for guidance or support. Lisa is the "fun friend,” but not someone her pals can rely on. While she has enjoyed being known for a good laugh, this has always bothered her. After serious contemplation, she decided to rewrite her story and make a more concerted effort to be what she calls a “heart friend” along with being a fun friend. A “heart friend” checks in on friends when they were going through a tough time, makes offers to help in times of need, and listens to people's stories of pain and struggle. It has taken some time, but Lisa has succeeded and is now not only an attentive friend, but she also feels more balanced in life and more able to reach out for support when she needs it. 3. Continue to revise as you go along. Finally, in rewriting your story, take time out on a regular basis to remind yourself that you can always take steps to change your behaviors, your path and even your life. When we forget we have this power, we tend to feel stuck. When we remember that we have the power to change the trajectory of our narrative, we feel strong, hopeful and happier overall. Read more: 10 Steps to Become a Fully Loaded Grown-Up Read more: 10 Reasons to Tell Your Story in Public Stacy Kaiseris a Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is the author ofHow to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Knowand editor at large forLive Happy. As a former weekly advice columnist forUSA Todaywith more than 100 appearances on major networks, including CNN, FOX and NBC, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.

Self-Care

3 Mindful Habits to Manage Your Holiday Time

There are very few guarantees in life, but one you can set your watch by is that time doesn’t stop. While trying to halt the passage of time is a fruitless task, choosing how you feel about it is certainly within your power. A recent study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that despite rising income and wealth globally, the stress of having very little free time contributes to reduced happiness, poor sleep and eating habits, and higher levels of anxiety. “This is the disease of our era,” says Pedram Shojai, author, former Taoist monk and doctor of oriental medicine. “Everyone is scrambling to find time and undo the stress and it is really hard.” Additional gatherings and commitments during the holiday season can add extra stress, yet it can also be a time for reflection and rejuvenation. In his new book The Art of Stopping Time: Practical Mindfulness for Busy People, Pedram writes that practicing good habits regularly to monitor how time is spent can help you repair “time famine” challenges. Good Holiday Time Habits Water Your Garden: Make a list of all of the things you want to do and prioritize. “Time is like water that you allocate to plants in your garden,” Pedram says. “If the holidays are about catching up on sleep and hibernating, then invest the time there. If the holidays are about spending more time with your loved ones, then those are the plants that you water.” Invest in You: Take personal time and listen to your mind and body to clear “emotional and mental indigestion,” Pedram advises. Once you catch up on “me” time, you can enjoy interacting with others. Ward Off Time Bandits: Choose to spend your time on the moments that are worth it, and weed out situations and people who deplete your energy. “Become brutally aware of the time parasites in your life and learn to excuse yourself; don’t give your time to things that don’t serve you.” To find “time prosperity,” spend at least 90 days building good time habits, Pedram says. “It’s easy to be enlightened in the Himalayas, everyone is chilling out,” he says. “Try doing it in traffic. Then you’ll know if it works.” Chris Libby is the Section Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Lifestyle

Reba McEntire Has a New Song in Her Heart

Four decades after Reba McEntire’s self-titled debut album introduced the talented redhead’s feisty spirit and impressive voice, the music icon’s first gospel album, Sing It Now: Songs of Faith & Hope, tackles new creative ground this year at a tumultuous time. “People who I wouldn’t expect to listen to my music stop me, grab me by the arm and say, ‘This is the best album you’ve ever released!’ It really touches my heart,” Reba says. “And the number one thing that they all say is we needed it so badly right now.” For the album released earlier this year, Reba recruited family and friends to join her on some of gospel music’s most beloved classics such as “Amazing Grace,” “How Great Thou Art” and “Softly and Tenderly,” which features guest vocals by Trisha Yearwood and Kelly Clarkson. Reba’s mother, Jackie, and her sisters, Susie and Alice, also sing on the record, serving up the family harmonies that Reba’s mom taught them as children. Reba includes “Jesus Loves Me,” the first song she sang in public, in Cheyenne, Wyoming, when she was only 4 years old. New gems include the anthemic title track, the acclaimed single “Back to God” and the upbeat “I Got the Lord on My Side,” which provided Reba’s mom her first credit as a songwriter. Reba wrote the song and was thrilled when her mom made suggestions. “We were in the studio recording it and Mama was sitting in the control room,” Reba recalls. “I said, ‘I’m so happy I’ve got the Lord on my side. I’m smiling I’ve got the Lord on my side,’ and Mama said, ‘Can I make a suggestion?’ I said, ‘Sure.’ “She said, ‘Instead of I’m so happy, why don’t you say, if you’re happy, if you’re smiling. That includes the listener in on the song. “I thought it was a great idea, so I put Mama in on the credits as a writer. This has been a big year for her. She got her honorary degree at Southeastern Oklahoma State University. She turned 90 years old and now she’s got her first cut on a record.” Faith, Family and Friends Ask Reba what makes her happy and she immediately responds, “Faith, family and friends.” She grew up with brother Pake and sisters Susie and Alice on her family’s ranch in Oklahoma. Her father was a three-time world champion steer roper and her mother would teach the kids to sing as the family traveled to rodeos all over the country where Reba also competed as a barrel racer. “My growing up was positive,” Reba says. “Mama was always saying, ‘You kids get out there. You all can do it. Get up there and sing!’ That confidence instilled in me at a very early age is what made me who I am today along with my faith and encouragement, strong love and support. Daddy provided for us and he supported us. He was not the encourager that Mama was but he gave us the grit and determination.” That combination of faith and grit helped Reba get through some difficult times. In 1991, eight members of her band and crew died in a plane crash that left the singer devastated. In recent years, she again suffered pain and loss when her father passed away in 2014. Her sister Alice battled breast cancer and is now in remission, her brother, Pake, suffered strokes, and Reba’s 26-year marriage to her manager, Narvel Blackstock, ended in divorce in 2015. When asked what’s the most difficult thing she’s survived, Reba responds, “Desertion. A lot of people have that in their lives, all their lives, I didn’t. And then to have that hit at this time in my life, it was personal. It was something that I couldn’t really share with the world, but [I leaned on] my faith, talking to God every minute about it. It was hard, I didn’t know how to deal with it....Reasoning doesn’t come into play. You just have to forgive and move on with your life and pray for them and that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with.” Reba appreciates every blessing and every opportunity. Her mother was baptized last year, and Reba says it’s never too late to embrace spirituality. “I’m stronger in my faith now,” she shares. “I’m happy. I’ve got great things the Lord is letting me do like doing this gospel album, which I might not have done before. What you’ve got to do is have faith that if you believe in the Lord, he’ll help you and every day make things better in your life.” Accentuate the Positive Throughout her career, Reba has populated the charts with such hits as “Fancy,” “Whoever’s in New England,” “For My Broken Heart” and “I’m a Survivor.” She’s scored 35 No. 1 singles and sold more than 56 million albums. Reba has also conquered Broadway, starred in films, enjoyed her own hit TV series, headlined on the world’s most prestigious stages and become a successful businesswoman with her own brand of clothing and home goods. These days her life is busier than ever. She’s working on a deluxe version of the Christmas album she first released last year and continues to headline shows at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas with her good friends Brooks & Dunn. She has won numerous awards, holds the distinction of making more No. 1 albums than any other female artist in country music, and has a No. 1 album in each of the last four decades. She credits her faith for her energy and positive outlook. “Sometimes I get a little blue, a little down and I might be a whole day where I’m a little off,” she confesses. “Then I’ll get into a quiet spot and I’ll say, ‘Lord what’s wrong? What’s going on that’s making me off-kilter today?’ And I replace all of that negativity with positivity, joy, compassion, happiness, love and get rid of all the yuck. It’s just like the window opens up and it’s just relief, total relief. My number one happy place is when I am by myself talking to the Lord. “My second happy place is when I’m with my friends, my family, people that I love who are positive and who have positive energy,” she continues, noting that Kix Brooks, of the award-winning country duo Brooks & Dunn, is the perfect example. “You can say something bad about somebody and Kix will look at you and smile that little cute smile of his and he’ll go, ‘But you know they’ve got a good heart’ or he’ll find something good about that person or situation,” she says. “He reminds me to keep a positive attitude because you are what you think. If you think of yourself as ugly, you are going to see yourself ugly. If you think it’s going to be a rotten day, it’s going to be rotten….I know it’s going to be a great day because of that positive influence that I’ve already put out into the atmosphere.” Happy Days and Christmas Past These days, family time includes hanging out with her 27-year-old son Shelby, an up-and-coming race car driver. “Shelby and I own some property in Tennessee that we love to go to. It’s got a lake on it and some shooting houses, so we go out there and we shoot trap and skeet,” says Reba, who made her Broadway debut playing frontier woman Annie Oakley in Annie Get Your Gun. “It’s a competition because he and I are both very competitive and to get out in the woods and shoot guns, we love it. We do our targets and we get to visit. It’s camaraderie and a closeness that he and I really do love to share.” Reba also enjoys spending time with her girlfriends. She recorded a song on Sing It Now as a salute to them titled “God and My Girlfriends.” It includes the lines: “There is no doubt I’d be nothing without God and my girlfriends. They’re always there when I’m feeling down, always around, lifting me up.” Reba has come a long, long way since country star Red Steagall saw her perform the national anthem at the National Finals Rodeo in Oklahoma City and took her to Nashville. In the early days, she recalls her sister Alice getting her a toilet seat for Christmas that jokingly had the name “Twinkle” embroidered on it because she said Reba wasn’t yet a star. “I’d already won Female Vocalist of the Year, but Alice kept me grounded by putting Twinkle on it,” Reba says, laughing. “I didn’t have the imagination to even think all this up,” she says of her tremendous success, “but I knew I was going to be doing something like this. I knew I was going to be entertaining. I knew I was going to be winning awards. I knew because I wanted it so bad.” She wants nothing more than for her songs to bring peace and joy to others, especially the songs of faith on Sing It Now. “My relationship with God is very personal, but I love to share it. I’m here to show love and affection and kindness. “I know some people might say, ‘But you sing so many sad songs.’ Music heals and if people who are hurting hear a song that is about hurting and go, ‘Oh my gosh! They understand. They know how I feel,’ that’s already giving them some relief. They are already being healed and being helped. One of the reasons I’m on earth is to help people through my music.” Reba Celebrates the Holidays With My Kind of Christmas Christmas is one of Reba’s favorite times of the year, and this season she’s helping others get into a festive mood with My Kind of Christmas. Being released via Nash Icon Records, the project will feature special guests Lauren Daigle, Darius Rucker, Vince Gill and Amy Grant. “I want to release it to the world because it was just in Cracker Barrel stores last year,” Reba says of the Christmas collection. “What we’ve gone back and done is I’ve taken ‘Back to God’ and Lauren Daigle and I went in and recorded it with Catherine Marx, my piano player.” The new version of the album also features Reba singing a duet with Darius Rucker on “O Little Town of Bethlehem” and delivering a new rendition of “Mary, Did You Know?” with Vince Gill and his wife, Amy Grant. Deborah Evans Price is an award-winning music writer based in Nashville, Tennessee.

Self-Care

5 Simple Tips for Easing Holiday Stress

My email notification pings. I open the message to a brightly colored elf serenading me with a work party invitation. It happens to be my face pasted on the comically oversized head. “I’m serenading myself,” I think, chuckling under my breath. This is the invite to Plasticity Labs’ holiday tradition—the “holidate”—one of my favorite events of the year. For many of us, the holidays are filled with invitations from co-workers, planned events with family and all the usual celebrations of the season. The holidays can be both stressful and joyful, bundled into one emotionally charged season. Rodrigo Araujo, Ph.D., senior data scientist at Plasticity Labs, analyzed workplace stress and seasonality. He identified fall (October to December, including the winter holidays) as the unhappiest time of the year for people in the workplace. At first, we were surprised. We thought late winter (January to March) would be the gloomiest season. Obviously, our bias as long-sufferers of the tough Canadian winters played a role in that hypothesis. However, when we reviewed our earlier research, it validated why this time of year causes stress. Our emotional volatility increases during the fall for myriad reasons, but one of the biggest impacts on our stress is an increasingly busy and ever-fluctuating schedule. This causes an out-of-control feeling that can make our brains uncomfortable. But, there is a way to combat this seasonal stress, even when social pressures threaten to derail our best intentions. Most importantly, we need to remind ourselves that there is much to love about this time of year. To keep us on track, here are a few best practices to rewire your attitude (and happiness) during the holiday season. 1. Make it a team effort. Are you stressing to get everything accomplished for the holidays? Check off your to-do list during the workday with friends. Initiate “Wrapping Wednesdays” during the month of December. Order in lunch, bring in communal paper, tools and tape, and have fun gift-wrapping together as a team. Employees can have their gifts wrapped for a fee and the proceeds donated to a local charity. This saves you time, eliminates a chore and gives something back to the community. 2. Give experiences, not stuff. If your workplace participates in gift exchanges, remember that thoughtful is always more valuable. On birthdays and special holidays, we smile bomb our co-workers. Desks are covered in sticky notes with descriptions about what makes them special. It’s the gift that keeps on giving; I love rereading my notes whenever I’m having a tough day. 3. Be authentic. Host holiday events that resonate. Most companies throw a formal holiday party. It may be exactly what your employees want, but do you know for sure? If you’re a decision-maker or influencer, come up with a few ideas, poll the group and act on the results. For our holidate, we do lunch and take the afternoon off to watch a movie (StarWars—three years running). The day is simple, intimate and authentically tied to our amazing geeky culture. 4. It’s OK to say no. We often feel obliged to say yes to every holiday invite. It’s tough to turn down a co-worker and even tougher to say no to the boss. However, stress stems from being overextended. Start by asking your peers which events are of higher priority for you to attend. Now you won’t burn out trying to be everywhere for everyone. 5. Save a vacation day. Did you know that the average employee receives two weeks of vacation and leaves five days on the table every year? According to Project: Time Off, an initiative of the U.S. Travel Association, Americans forfeited 206 million vacation days in 2016. We tend to hold on to our vacation days for a rainy day, and yet, that rainy day never comes. It may seem like it’s counterintuitive to take time off work just before the holidays, but saving one day for yourself—to do absolutely nothing—will be the best way to stay energized, fresh and engaged at work. I’ll leave you with this bonus tip to ensure that you close 2017 with a positive mindset. The next time an RSVP notification pops up from a dancing elf, remember, it could be worse. Instead of groaning, practice gratitude instead. This is the time of year to be full of thanks and grace, a time to reflect on the past and look ahead optimistically to what the new year will bring. Practice gratitude to rewire an otherwise stressful time and finish off 2017 with positive experiences and happy memories. 2018 will thank you. JENNIFER MOSS is the co-founder of Plasticity Labs and best-selling author of Unlocking Happiness at Work. She’s a happiness researcher and thought leader on the topics of emotional intelligence and organizational performance and a contributor to Harvard Business Review, Forbes, BBC, National Post and Huffington Post. Jennifer was recognized with the International Female Entrepreneur of the Year Stevie Award, and she and her two co-founders were named Canadian Innovators of the Year.

Lifestyle

Allison Janney Savors the Simple Things

Award-winning actress Allison Janney’s jam-packed days are spent commuting to the Burbank, California, set of the CBS hit comedy Mom, memorizing lines, racing to and from wardrobe fittings and delivering fast-paced humor and sarcasm as the joyful yet slightly cynical recovering alcoholic Bonnie Plunkett. Her role in Mom—now in its fifth season—has scored her two Emmy Award wins to add to her five victories from roles in The West Wing and Masters of Sex. The past year also marked Allison’s return to Broadway in the revival of John Guare’s Six Degrees of Separation, and her name has come up as an Oscar contender, and she won the Golden Globe Award for her gritty portrayal of LaVona Golden, the tough-as-nails mother of Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding in I, Tonya. “I’m like any other working adult. There’s a lot to juggle,” the Ohio-raised actress says in a thoughtful cadence that’s slower and softer than her Mom character’s rapid-fire volleys. Away from her diverse professional projects, Allison is a loving and devoted daughter, sister, aunt and friend. She makes sure her busy days begin and end on a positive note, walking her three Australian cattle dog mixes, Addie, Dutch and Sippie. “My dogs are my positivity role models. They really are,” Allison says. “I hug them and snuggle them and that instantly makes me happy.” Time spent walking them is “a nice time for meditation and checking in with the world and myself,” she says. “Dogs love us regardless of accolades, size of a paycheck or if you’re having a good hair day. All three are rescues, and I’m so grateful I adopted them. Animals are a game changer for our spirits and souls.” Hitting the Pause Button Despite being pulled in several directions at once, Allison exudes a calm that naturally encourages those around her to stop and catch their breath. A simple shift in her daily routine—having a friend help her organize her schedule—has made the demands of everyday life “much more manageable.” She’s also started deliberately slowing down with the help of meditation. Allison admits that a Zen state of mind and body wasn’t always part of her fabric. “I’m a control freak and a worrier who overthinks things,” she says. “I’m also a people pleaser by nature so I worry if I’ve been a good enough listener to a friend or been thoughtful and open enough in an interview.” Her penchant for pleasing didn’t leave much room to shine the same considerate light on herself, but she’s been working on that the last two years. “I made a commitment to be more aware of what makes me happy and to reflect on what I want to do. I was—and still am—focused on what I can do to make someone else happy, but I gave myself the gift of taking time to also listen to myself, honor my thoughts and wishes and not put myself by the side.” She explains further, “It’s not always comfortable to accept, but I’ve learned taking care of myself, and sometimes putting myself first, isn’t selfish. It will make me happier than ever before because I’ll be in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically.” Paired with multiple weekly Pilates sessions and workouts with a trainer, meditation is a key part of Allison’s daily schedule. Just sitting and breathing in a quiet place at home helps her let go of anything she’s overthinking or worrying about. “I don’t think I’m very good at it because it’s hard to clear your mind,” she says. “I don’t know that you can ever completely do that. But I feel so much better after I’ve meditated for 15 minutes.” There are also those days when finding even 15 minutes to meditate seems impossible. “You can always explain away not taking time out for yourself,” she says. “We all have so many rituals. There are responsibilities for others, family, pets and work. Who has time just for themselves?” Technology has been a powerful tool to help her adopt a calmer mindset. “I have lots of apps I use often,” she says. Some of her favorites include Buddhify, Insight Timer, Happify, Headspace and Simply Being. “I’m trying very hard to always be in the moment and, ironically, sometimes even my smartphone can help me do just that!” But social media is a different story. Allison said the steady stream of Facebook updates started to affect her personal outlook, so she hasn’t been checking it for almost a year. “I had to stop being voyeuristic because it was making me feel bad that I don’t have what others have—or appear to have. You never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life, but seeing the newsfeed of only what others want you to see, without seeing the whole picture, can be too much. Instead, I now focus on finding my own happiness and being happy with things that happen in my real life, not on social media.” That includes criticism and unpleasant exchanges. “I try to look at everything, even adversity, as a gift. Instead of worrying and ruminating, I’ll say ‘thank you’ to the world and look at what I can learn from the experience to grow and make myself better,” she explains. She also relies on loved ones. “The people who love me and believe in me are who I go to to remind me what’s good about me and what’s important and not important,” she shares. “My mom is great at helping me keep my head up to focus on what matters.” Embracing Flawed Characters Part of Allison’s unique recipe for simplifying her life includes tackling unconventional roles. Whether performing live, singing and dancing on Broadway, voicing animated characters in Finding Dory and Minions, or in her breakout television role on the hit political drama The West Wing, Allison says some of her favorite performances are those portraying characters that “are the most screwed up or that take me the furthest from my wheelhouse and comfort zone.” “In some ways, I find when I’m playing a character that is the least like me or that’s flawed and messed up, the more interesting and fun the job is. I think it’s harder to portray normal or well-defined.” Performing on Broadway has given Allison some of her scariest moments as an actor. “Being in the original Broadway cast of [the musical] 9 to 5in 2009 with ‘real’ Broadway singers was well outside my wheelhouse and scared me to death,” she says. “I was out of my league being on stage with Megan Hilty and Stephanie Block.” That fear propelled her to an acclaimed performance that earned her a 2009 Tony Award nomination for her role as Violet Newstead. Returning to Broadway in 2017 wasn’t easy, either. However, Allison once again rose to the occasion. “On Broadway, you perform at night and that’s when I’d come alive,” she says. “I realized right after the day’s performance ended was when I could stop and relax. I’d savor those moments.” Her most recent feature film, I, Tonya (released December 2017), also stretched Allison’s artistic muscle. Interestingly, Allison was a competitive figure skater into her teens until she nearly lost her leg crashing through a plate-glass window. Her life-threatening injuries ended her skating career. “I dreamed of being an Olympian, but in reality, my career would have ended anyway because I didn’t have the talent to achieve that level of greatness,” she says. However, when her longtime friend, screenwriter Steven Rogers, wrote the part of LaVona Golden, mother of disgraced Olympian Tonya Harding, with Allison in mind, her years spent on the ice helped her prepare for the role. “When I met Allison more than 30 years ago when we were both students, I saw that unbelievable and powerful emotion she brings to her performances,” Steven says. “But beyond her amazing talent, she’s a truly beautiful person who brings such generosity and a giving spirit to her friendships. You can’t help but love being around her.” “When [Steven] called and gave me a description of this mother in a half-molting fur coat with a bird on her shoulder, I couldn’t wait,” Allison explains. “Neither Steven nor I were able to speak with or see LaVona, so this is a character creation of Tonya’s version of her mother and our artistic license. “I approached the role much like I do the rest of my life these days, even though I worked with a live bird perched on my shoulder who from time to time was poking at my ear,” she says with a smile. “It’s outside of my personal norm and comfort, which helped make the role enormous fun. And at the end of the day, I’m so lucky to have a job that’s fun and allows me to grow as a person and actor. Now there’s something to think about!” Gina Roberts-Greyis an award-winning journalist who has written forFamily Circle,SelfandEssenceamong other publications. Her last feature story for Live Happy wasa profile of Anna Faris.

Self-Care

10 Ways to Power Your Positive Energy Over the Holidays

The holidays are a wonderful time to pull together your past, present and future into a powerful ball of positive energy that will fuel you all the way into the new year ahead. Your daily physical and mental patterns determine the quality of your experiences. For example, do you multitask or calmly do one project at a time? Do you take a moment to wake up each morning peacefully? Winter holidays are a perfect time to try out new techniques to regulate these patterns and bring more pleasure into your life. Quality Experiences Good energy facilitates quality experiences. When your energy is too low, it is hard to absorb the full vibrancy of the moment. You simply cannot pay adequate attention to the details that will ignite you. Knowing a little about how your physical and mental energy join forces to create experiences can go a long way toward making life even happier. When you are happy you naturally gravitate toward more positive patterns in your thoughts, memories and feelings.” When your brain is overloaded with negative or stressful energy, it is difficult to experience life’s joys. For example, say you have family and friends coming over for a holiday party and you discover you forgot a few food items you need. Next thing you know the stress is rising and your sense of organization is diving. To compensate, your brain responds with an electrochemical cocktail that reduces your stress but can sap your energy. Your memories, thoughts and emotions switch on and off daily, also affecting your energy. When you are happy you naturally gravitate toward more positive patterns in your thoughts, memories and feelings, each one kicking in to spin more joy. When you are angry or disappointed, your mind starts uploading your top five or six annoyances. So if you’re feeling down, you want to flip the positivity switch as soon as possible to avoid winding up in a negative spiral. How can you take better control of your energy and mood? Energy Tips to Triple Your Holiday Joy Becoming more aware of these pivotal mood-changing moments can work magic. Here are a few holiday do’s and don’ts that will show you how to recognize them and help you move your best energy forward into the new year. Don’t Multitask. It lowers your energy, increases stress and decreases your ability to focus on the energetically rewarding details, so it lessens your daily pleasures as well. Let unwanted memories distract from your joy. Try this: Whenever you feel an uninvited nerve-wracking memory coming on, play a favorite funny holiday song, like Elmo & Patsy’s recording of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” Lou Monte’s “Dominick the Donkey” or Adam Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song.” Every time you do this short-circuiting exercise, you weaken the negative memory trigger, until it eventually goes away. Use aggressive language. It can increase your anxiety and stress, as well as decrease organization and lower your overall energy. It will also extend its influence to others and into daily activities. Try to keep up a manic pace. In winter, nature’s energy cycle is waning. Slow down, get creative instead. Do Gently transition to a new day each morning. As you wake up, your body and mind are affected by changes in hormonal and neural activity. You can help this transition by taking a slow, deep breath and emptying your mind. Make this a pattern. Send your memory as far back as you can to a warm and cozy holiday scene from your youth. Consider something you can do during your day that includes one of the details from your memory. Create a holiday playlist or set your radio to your favorite holiday music. Tunes that spark positive emotional memories from your past work best. Enjoy the uplifting and peaceful vibes. For an added lift, sing or dance along. Take a silly selfie—the sillier the better! Use it year-round whenever you need a mood shift. Make new memories on a holiday sightseeing trip with a friend, partner or family member. Take pictures so you can revisit this positive energy throughout the year. Create a new tradition such as donating to or volunteering at a food pantry, or learn how other cultures celebrate the holidays. Take an evening or late-night walk with loved ones. Incorporate soothing holiday fragrances into your festivities, such as scented candles, fresh plants or the scent of cookies baking. Place the energy of calmness between all your actions. How you enter and leave each daily experience is as important to creating joy as the experience itself. Listen to our podcast: How to Master Body Intelligence With Joseph Cardillo JOSEPH CARDILLO, PH.D., is an inspirational speaker and sought-after expert on energy teaching. He is the author ofBody Intelligence: Harness Your Body’s Energies for Your Best Lifeand the body-energy classicBe Like Water.He has taught his methods to more than 20,000 students. Visitjosephcardillo.comor follow him on Facebook or Twitter @DrMindFitness.

Practice

Play Games to Boost Family Happiness

Food. Shelter. Love. And…games? Though playtime may not pop to mind when you list the essentials for family happiness, it’s one of the best things you can share with your partner or kids. “It connects family members to each other,” says marriage and family therapist Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D., author of Tending the Family Heart. She recommends playing games of all kinds together, from Parcheesi to Ping-Pong, tiddlywinks to tag. “It teaches sportsmanship. It teaches vocabulary and communication, all those social skills—take your turn, be patient with a younger one, have a little respect for the older ones.” The Benefits of Playing Games may even make kids more resilient. It’s easier to face life’s setbacks, after all, if you’re used to handling Life’s bad spins and Scrabble racks full of vowels. Same deal if you’ve seen Mom shrug it off when she flubs a Frisbee toss, or Dad laugh when his golf ball lands in the water, Marie says. Of course, in this era of packed schedules and multiple jobs, making time for games can feel tricky. “One of the ways to deal with that is to reset your priorities,” Marie points out. Cook simpler meals. Cut back on housework. “Who really cares if your house is vacuumed once every two weeks instead of every day, if vacuuming means you’re not playing with your kids?” Game Time Another key to playing more: Put regular game nights (or days) on your calendar. “Institutionalizing anything makes sure it happens,” Marie says. What games are right for your family? “The main thing I would stress is that they need to be age appropriate to the child, not the adult—and as the child grows, you should introduce more games that require the kid to stretch,” Marie says. That stretching should be gradual: With board games, for instance, go from simple, luck-based ones (Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders) to ones that incorporate a bit of strategy (Qwirkle, Connect 4). What games are wrong for your family? First, avoid “gotcha” games that can leave players feeling bad—the kind that require players to spill secrets or accuse each other of lying, for example. Second, be honest—for everyone’s sake—about your own limits. Are you hyper-competitive? Your kids will probably have more fun if you stick to cooperative games like make-believe. Are you impatient? Avoid glacially paced toddler board games. “I’m not a dollhouse person—I couldn’t stand it,” Marie says. “I was the make-a-fort person—put up a card table, throw a blanket over it, now we have a fort.” Invent Your Own As Marie’s forts suggest, the best games are often spur-of-the-moment: improv games, say, where you play characters (spies, advice experts) over dinner or at the supermarket; spoken word games that involve rhymes or synonyms; even cleanup games (two points each time you toss a pair of undies in the hamper!) And in the end, it’s play itself, more than any specific game, that matters. “It’s the fact that this is family time,” Marie says. Memories of family games “will last through your children’s lives. These are the ties that bind.” Melissa Balmainis a humorist, journalist and teacher. She is also the author ofWalking in on People, a full-length collection of poetry.

Self-Care

Ask Stacy: Holiday Bliss Is Easy to Miss

Happiness is something we all search for and that we each deserve in our lives. However, obstacles inevitably get in the way, whether that means negative people, current or past circumstances we can’t control, bad luck—even our own self-destructive patterns. I have developed this column to helpLive Happyreaders overcome these stumbling blocks. As the new year approaches, are you feeling stressed out? Send your happiness questions toaskstacy@livehappy.com. Dear Stacy, I am a hairdresser and I love my job, but I can’t stand listening to people who have no money talk about how they spend it all on holiday gifts. Yesterday, my client told me that she has been struggling, and yet she is buying the new $1,000 iPhone 10 for her husband. What can I do or say to these people who are making choices that are financially wrong? I hear stories like this every work day. —Bonnie Dear Bonnie, I have great admiration for your care and compassion for your clients and their financial well-being. Many people in the service industry do not invest as much in the people they work with. While I understand your concern about your client buying an expensive cellular device, it is not our place to tell other people how to spend their money. In addition, while she might share her financial woes with you, you have no way to be certain how she prioritizes her spending or whether this will, in fact, make a big impact on her financial situation. In my many years as a psychotherapist, I have encountered several clients who have expensive phones, cars, vacations, etc., and yet are willing to sacrifice in other areas of their lives, including a suitable place to live or a balanced and complete meal. While it is sometimes challenging to watch, it is important we know our role in a person’s life and to understand that, ultimately, they have control over their decisions. If you really feel compelled to have a conversation, the only thing I think would be appropriate is to let her know that you know that she’s making an expensive purchase and that you hope it does not negatively impact her finances. Dear Stacy, Whether at Thanksgiving, Easter or Christmas, our holiday dinner table is always filled with tense conversation. I am anticipating that the current national and political climate will make the next holidays even worse. At Easter last spring, the arguing grew so intense that I brought out an antique bell and started ringing it loudly, to little avail. I simply want some holiday peace. Would you come to our dinners, Stacy, to mediate, or do I need to hire a referee? Thank you in advance, and please do not use my real name because my sister reads Livehappy.com, too. Many thanks. —Frustrated Frances Dear Frances, Sadly, what you have described at your holiday dinner table is something that happens to many of us—particularly when there is turmoil within our families, our community and our country. I think ringing an antique bell was a brilliant idea! Particularly if it added some lightness and fun to the conversation. In times of stress, I always recommend people try to break the tension with a little humor. Being that your bell did not work the last time, I have a few other suggestions: Invite additional guests to dinner to serve as buffers. Often if guests are present who are not close family members, your relatives will be on better behavior. Additionally, extra people might open up more areas of conversation so the unpleasant topics can be avoided. Create ground rules before everyone arrives. Let guests know that they have political, environmental and situational differences and that topics that create conflict are not allowed at the dinner table. If these controversial topics are then brought up, remind them of the table rules and ask them to finish the conversations after the meal. Have a dinner activity prepared should the conversation get heated. Go around the table and have people say what they are thankful for, or their wishes for the coming year or have everyone share a funny story about a family member who is sitting at the table. Dear Stacy, My name is Donna and I am 58 years old. I have made family photo holiday cards since my children were born; they are now in their 20s. This year they will not have any part of it. I start planning in October for these cards because I like us to wear themed clothing and hire a photographer. This year they have all said they are done with my cards. I figured I would have at least until they had families of their own. I am devastated, Stacy. They each told me this in an email, and they have no idea that I started crying when I got this bad news. I have been doing these cards for more than 20 years! I don’t know if the problem can be resolved, but I saw your advice column and I thought maybe it was destiny since the refusals to domy card arrived this week. —Donna Dear Donna, I absolutely love that you have had a family tradition of making photo holiday cards since your children were born! I can see how much meaning these cards must have for you, and I understand why you were so upset when your children told you they were no longer interested. Perhaps you can convince your family to do one final card just for this year? It might be a good compromise that allows you one final hurrah and also addresses the fact that they feel they are ready to move on from this activity. If your kids are not willing to bend, or if you still feel sad about stopping the cards next year, I encourage you to create a new family holiday tradition that makes you and the rest of your family feel happy and fulfilled. Perhaps start a potluck dinner where everyone brings a favorite dish even if they all end up being desserts. Or take lots of family photos wearing silly or festive hats and glasses while at a holiday meal. Ask your family members what they would be willing to try that could be fun for both them and you. Maybe you will even come up with a few new holiday traditions that will be passed on for generations! Read more: Ask Stacy: Expert Tips for a Happy Life Stacy Kaiseris a Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is the author ofHow to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know,and editor at large forLive Happy. As a former weekly advice columnist forUSA Todaywith more than 100 appearances on major networks, including CNN, FOX and NBC, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.

Flourishing Center

Practitioner’s Corner: Monica Smith

Live Happy is excited to present a series of interviews from our partners,The Flourishing Center,that highlight practitioners who are making an extraordinary impact in the world by putting positive psychology into practice. As we present you with inspiring human stories, we also want to empower you to put these strategies into action in your own life. Today’s spotlight interview is with Monica Smith, an experienced project manager and change-management specialist with more than 12 years of experience working in the public sector. After graduating from The Flourishing Center’s Certificate in Applied Positive Psychology (CAPP) Program, Monica recently foundedThe Clear Mind Projectto bring positive psychology and resilience to the addiction-recovery community and bridge the gap between crisis and true thriving. TFC: What inspired you to bring positive psychology to the recovery community? Monica: I have recovery experience myself, and for many years I found all the traditional recovery approaches to be helpful. But when I was exposed to positive psychology, it transformed my life. I uncovered research about growth mindset and post-traumatic growth, and felt truly inspired. And yet, I realized that few people in the recovery community—including therapists and other providers—were aware of these concepts. Despite the amazing gifts of traditional recovery, I often saw people hovering in a neutral space after successfully getting sober. They weren’t engaging in self-destructive behaviors, but they also weren’t flourishing. They didn’t believe in their potential or see what was possible, and they often still had a negative self-view. I feel strongly that we could change this. TFC: Tell us more about how you were originally exposed to positive psychology. Monica: My undergraduate degree is in psychology, and I have a master’s in forensic psychology. So through my education, I knew who Martin Seligman was, and I got some exposure to positive psychology. I took a break for several years, but what brought me back was my own spiritual journey and self-development process. I’m a big Audible user—I usually have eight books going at any given time—and in listening to books about personal growth, I kept getting recommendations for books by some of the big names in positive psychology. Plus, while consulting for the government, I heard about Martin Seligman’s Penn Resilience Program. While this was peripheral exposure, it started coming together with what I was digging into personally. TFC: You founded The Clear Mind Project over the last year. Tell us about it. Monica: The Clear Mind Project is all about bringing the science of well-being and resilience to the recovery community. We offer coaching and workshops, and recently finished our first cohort of A Twist on the 12 Steps™. In this 12-week program, we take one of the traditional 12 steps each week and teach a complementary interpretation rooted in positive psychology. The idea is to say: All of the things you’ve been exposed to in traditional recovery are great, but they’re only half the story. For instance, the first step is about admitting you are “powerless” and that your life has become “unmanageable” because of addiction. In this week’s workshop, I teach participants about what they can control—that they can choose their mindset, rewire their brain, etc. TFC: How have people been responding to this integrated approach to the 12 steps? Monica: Everyone who went through the program reported an increase in their well-being. I did a survey with all participants before and after, asking about their subjective well-being in areas aligned to the 12 dimensions I was teaching. I was particularly struck that on average, this group reported a 50 percent increase in agreement with the following statement: “I feel a sense of peace about my past and find meaning in negative experiences.” TFC: That’s fantastic, Monica! What’s your vision for the future if more people had access to these resources? Monica: I envision the program being balanced between addressing illness and supporting wellness. I want people in recovery to say, “Not only am I in recovery, but I am also feeling really fulfilled.” I would like providers in the field to have these positive psychology skills for themselves —let alone for their clients’ benefit. I see that creating upward spirals. Plus, I’d want strong support structures in place for partners and family members of those navigating addiction. Overall, I want people to feel their sobriety is safe. Positive psychology has taught me about the illness/wellness continuum. If you imagine a scale of human flourishing from negative 10 to plus 10, traditional psychological paradigms try to get people to zero, or neutral. Many people recover from addiction and hover around there, where they are vulnerable to triggers. If we can move people north of neutral, although they will still experience triggers, they’re more likely to be OK because they’ll have more cushion. Everyone deserves a cushion! To learn more about The Clear Mind Project, visit www.theclearmindproject.com. If you are in recovery or otherwise affected by addiction and live in the Washington, D.C. area, look for the next offering of Monica’s signature program, A Twist on the 12 Steps™, in early 2018. Read more: Practitioner's Corner: Louisa Jewelland Practitioner's Corner: Cheryl Rice

Podcast

The Swedish Art of Living a Balanced, Happy Life with Niki Brantmark

Niki Brantmark is the founder and creator of the award-winning daily interior design blog My Scandinavian Home, which was inspired by her move to Sweden from London. Niki has an MA in psychology from the University of Edinburgh and she joins Live Happy science editor Paula Felps to talk about Lagom (Law-gom) the swedish art of living a balanced, happy life. What you'll learn in this episode: Learn what lagom is and how it can benefit your well-being How you can bring lagom to your home. How to apply the principles of lagom at work. Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about Niki Brantmark on her blog. Follow Niki on her twitter and Facebook.

Change Your Story, Change Your Life

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Reba McEntire Has a New Song in Her Heart

5 Simple Tips for Easing Holiday Stress

Allison Janney Savors the Simple Things

10 Ways to Power Your Positive Energy Over the Holidays

Play Games to Boost Family Happiness

Ask Stacy: Holiday Bliss Is Easy to Miss

Practitioner’s Corner: Monica Smith

The Swedish Art of Living a Balanced, Happy Life with Niki Brantmark

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