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Be a Consciously Irresponsible Parent

Stress, disorganization, frustration, and anger; are these part of your morning routine? Getting sleepy, uncooperative children out the door on time in the morning can try any parent’s patience, and it is especially difficult when both parents have to get out the door and off to work themselves. Have you ever muttered, “There’s got to be a better way?” Well, there is. Picture this: Your children wake up on their own, get dressed by themselves, take turns fixing breakfast (including yours) and get their lunches (which they fixed the night before) from the fridge. They then pick up their homework and gym clothes (from the place where they had them all laid out the night before) and give you a kiss as they leave for school with time to spare. Sound good? This could be your home—or very close to it. A win-win situation In Positive Discipline, we teach the importance of “winning children over” instead of “winning over children.” Winning over children invites rebellion or giving up. Winning children over invites cooperation. Winning your children over does not mean giving them what they want so that they like you and are more likely to do what you want them to do. Winning your child over means you created a desire for cooperation based on a feeling of mutual respect. One of the best ways to win children over is to do things with them instead of to or for them. Doing things with them means respectfully involving them in finding solutions that work for everyone such as chores charts and set routines. Not my job Another great way to help your children learn responsibility is for you to be “consciously irresponsible.” Parents sometimes spend endless energy and time being responsible for their children. They set their alarm clocks for them, shake them out of bed in the morning, issue incessant reminders to get dressed, eat breakfast, find their shoes, pack their backpacks, and grab their lunch, and still they find themselves driving children to school because they missed the bus. It’s a good system for the kids (at least on the surface). But children aren’t learning self- discipline and motivation and often become discouraged about their own competence, and parents are becoming cranky, frustrated, and resentful. Lead by Example To be consciously irresponsible, let children know what they are capable of doing on their own and take time for training. Then, don’t do it for them. Don’t set the alarm clock, don’t remind them to get dressed or eat. As they experience natural consequences, they may choose to be more responsible themselves. After an initial uncomfortable learning stage, they will likely start to enjoy their growing skills and confidence. This is a great way to acquaint them with their personal power in a positive way. Imagine how much more relaxed and contented we can be both in the home and in our professional lives when we let go of a bit of control and empower others.

relationships

4 Ways to Keep a Happy Relationship

Most of us are willing to put real effort into relationships that we value. But trying too hard can put the relationship at risk. This is especially true in the case of romantic relationships because the self-disclosure and vulnerability we feel when becoming close to another person may make us wary of those who make demands that we’re not sure we’re ready to meet. “Trying too hard” is related to attempting to control where a relationship goes. It’s generally seen in micromanaging behavior and almost always causes a “distancing” by the other partner, who becomes more ambivalent and ducks the controlling behavior. This, of course, exacerbates the issue by causing the “controlling” partner to lean even more into controlling (or “fixing”) the relationship, which only increases the anxiety and ambivalence of the other partner. The following tips are designed to help ensure that both parties remain comfortably on the same page in developing needed give-and-take in a relationship: Openly discuss the status of your relationship. Build in a habit of checking in with each other about what you think and feel about how your connection is proceeding. Frankly discuss feelings such as anxiety, insecurity and (perhaps most importantly) ambivalence. This may seem strange at first, but it is valuable for getting to know someone and vital for maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. Decide how and when you’ll have these talks and stay open to taking a timeout when the other person is feeling anxious and ambivalent. This not only promotes trust, but reduces the likelihood of triggering crises down the road related to unresolved feelings or issues. Cultivate a practice of mindfulness of how each partner is experiencing the relationship, so that neither party feels in danger of being either depleted or overwhelmed. Such a practice can be initiated by calling a timeout and sitting quietly with one another for short time, say three to five minutes. Follow this up with a period of alternating shares (also timed) in which each party talks about what it was like to sit quietly with each other without taking one another’s inventory. With practice, this builds a safe space for couples to practice the unconditional acceptance of where each person stands in the relationship. Give each other permission to speak up if one of you feels that the other is over-managing what’s going on between you. Indicators of over-management can be as subtle as one of you always deciding who does a household chore to something as significant as deciding when you’re going to have sex or how you’re going to spend your vacations. Remember to maintain focus on how one is experiencing the other’s “over-management.” For example, instead of an accusatory, “you never pay attention to what I want,” (which probably will elicit a retaliatory accusation) verbalize your own feelings only: “I feel as if my ideas about how we could spend our vacation don’t matter to you” or “it hurts my feelings when you push me away when I try to kiss you.” Sticking to verbalizing only your own feelings without blaming leaves open an avenue for jointly analyzing and finding solutions to problems. Don’t act as if “everything is fine” when it isn’t. Few behaviors have more “blow-up potential” than ignoring your own feelings to keep the peace. At the same time, avoid insisting on raising an issue in a time and place that’s likely to create more discomfort (as well as resistance and resentment) rather than relieve it. With practice, the three previous techniques will create an interpersonal environment in which virtually any issue can be processed in a calm, nonaccusatory way, and in almost any setting. Problems are then solved in real time, undercutting the danger of ignoring or stewing in our feelings. Each time you address a problem or potential problem in this way, you’ll have taken a giant step forward in building both connection and mutual trust. You may have noticed that safety is the cornerstone of everything we’ve said here. But feeling safe isn’t automatic: It’s built over time, and the four points above can keep the process on track. The unconditional hospitality you create, no matter what each of you is feeling, becomes the beginning, the way and the goal of making your relationship better.

relationships

Adopt a New Best Friend This Month

Having a dog as a friend can be a fun and meaningful way to add more happiness in life. According to the journal Scientific Reports, having a dog around can reduce our risk of cardiovascular disease by keeping us company in times of loneliness and nudging us to be more active. Jeff Franklin, one of the world’s leading dog trainers and subject of the new book Franklin: The Man Behind the United States Commando Dogs by Matthew Duffy, says dogs can be the “most nonjudgmental, loving and loyal creatures on the planet. We all want more of those qualities in our lives.” For dogs, being a member of a loving home keeps their tails wagging. Unfortunately, millions of good dogs are living in shelters waiting for that forever home. Jeff explains that many dogs end up in shelters because people underestimate the responsibility of being a dog owner. “Our shelters would become fairly empty if dog owners realized the amount of time it takes to work with a new dog to integrate them into their new ‘human’ type of life and requirements,” he says. “We have worked with shelters and their dogs for over 20 years and the number one reason for dogs being there is because they simply do not have the life skills they need to be the assets they are capable of being in our lives, such as house breaking, not pulling on the leash, not jumping, not barking, destructive chewing, etc.” Every October, the ASPCA celebrates Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, to raise awareness about the importance of adopting a shelter dog. If you are thinking about adding a new four-legged friend to your household, Jeff offers his tips for finding the right pet for you. What should we look for in a shelter dog? The best thing to do is to look for a dog that generally fits into your lifestyle. If you are picking a shelter dog because they are cute, or sad, or you feel sorry for them, it may not be the correct fit. If you’re busy and social, pick a dog that likes that as well. If you’re more of a homebody that prefers to stay indoors, then pick the hangout kind of dog. There are many personalities of great dogs that need homes of all types. What are the benefits of caring for/adopting a senior dog? I believe this is a great unselfish act to do. Sure, we all go to shelters and run straight for the adorable puppies, because baby animals leave an impression on us. For me, I have given a home to several senior dogs and the experience was incredibly rewarding on multiple levels. Of course, the down side is that they were only with me a few years, but having the pleasure to give them a great home environment for their last years was priceless…not to mention so much easier than a feisty puppy. What is a training tip you can share with us? Teach your dogs to behave, have good manners and life skills. Commands (sit, down, stay) are good, but overrated compared to just having a well-behaved canine friend. Dogs that behave well usually spend a substantial amount more time with their owners on a regular basis—not to mention the fact that these dogs do not usually end up in shelters. Make your dog an asset by great training at the beginning of your relationship together and you will always have a faithful companion to care for and spend time with. Where did your ability to communicate with dogs come from? It sounds cliché, but it is just a natural gift. I can teach people how to work with animals, but truly reading and communicating is a naturally given trait that can be enhanced with experience. I’ve been lucky to spend most of my life working with dogs and this has given me invaluable insight into how they think and behave. What’s most satisfying to you about your work with dogs? I am most satisfied when I work with a canine family or K9 team and the results are a happy dog and happy handlers that perform well at whatever their desired task is—whether it be a family pet, a service dog or a working dog.

Podcast

Extreme Grit With Snowmobiler Colten Moore

When Colten Moore and his older brother, Caleb, competed for the first time in the 2010 X Games, they made a lasting impression. Specializing in freestyle and trick snowmobiling, the Texas brothers showed they were fearless, fierce and incredibly close to each other. They quickly became top athletes in the sport and were counting on taking home the gold and silver in 2013—although they argued over which brother would take the top spot. But their careers took a tragic turn during that competition: Both brothers crashed during their runs, and Caleb passed away a few days later as a result of his injuries. Colten has continued to compete and is using his experiences to encourage and inspire others. In 2016, he released his autobiography, Chasing the Sky, which tells his story of loss, resilience and the importance of family bonds. In this episode, you'll learn: What drives Colten to continue competing How he has used his loss to help others The importance of following your dreams Also in this episode, Live Happy’s own Laura Coppedge talks about our new journal, On a Positive Note. Find out how it can help make each day richer and can even make those work meetings more inviting. Plus, you can preorder it here at a discount! Links and Resources Twitter: @colt45moore Facebook: coltenmoore21 Instagram: @colt45moore Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

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Practice

Concentration is Meditation

When we are grounded in awareness of breathing, we’re establishing a base for a single-pointed concentration that is, itself, meditation. Mindful concentration frees us from playing out mere concepts about our life, so we can live life fully as it is here and now. We’re also reminded that machines multitask well, but people don’t. We read while we eat (double the consumption). But each act involves separate bodily systems. Jammed together, neither reading nor eating gets done efficiently. Even if we’re only eating, we rarely chew a single mouthful. Instead we’re forking in the next bite before we’ve even swallowed the first. One-pointed concentration means that if we’re eating an orange, we do so one slice at a time. Communing with the whole universe in the orange, slice by slice. So why not treat our breathing (and everything else) the same way? Concentration, in and of itself, can awaken us. Given prolonged attention to breath, a shift in our psychic base can occur. Everything’s no longer all about me: my likes, my dislikes, my possessions, my résumé. We can leave that stark, simplistic, abstract, fantasy realm, always dominated by our desires—and aversions, which are only the flipside of the same self-absorption—to discover reality, rich in nuance, subtlety, texture, ever-changing like music. This shift in awareness can be a gradual awakening, over time, but you might mark how it can happen spontaneously in the space of just a smile…a pause…a breath. And the more we enjoy this fundamental shift of attention, the more readily we might choose it.

Podcast

Strengths-Based Parenting With Lea Waters

Lea Waters, Ph.D., is more than just the current president of the International Positive Psychology Association; she’s also a researcher and expert on character strengths—and the mother of two. Her latest book, The Strength Switch: How the New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish showed parents how focusing on children’s strengths instead of trying to correct their weaknesses can yield extraordinary results. Now, Lea has created an online course based on The Strength Switch to give families the tools they need to put her findings into practice. In this episode of Live Happy Now, Live Happy CEO Deborah Heisz talks to Lea about how (and why) strengths-based parenting can benefit every family. In this episode, you'll learn: How focusing on your child’s strengths can unlock their full potential Why it’s important for families to work on this together How your family can benefit from this online course You can learn more about Lea's online course here, and you can also hear more from Lea about The Strength Switch here. Also in this week's episode, Mike Pepperman of LG Electronics explains the company's Experience Happiness initiative, which is bringing the principles of sustainable happiness to schools. Links and Resources Twitter: ProfLeaWaters Instagram: ProfLeaWaters Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

Lifestyle

9 Books for a Happy Home

What does it take to have a happy home? It’s the people who live there. You could have a $3 million estate or a tiny house, but the people inside will have the greatest contagious effect on the energy, mood and feeling of the place. We put together the nine best books to create a happy home. Happy Home: Everyday Magic for a Colorful Life by Charlotte Hedeman Gueniau What if you could give your home a happiness makeover? Happy Home: Everyday Magic for a Colorful Life will make your house come alive with color and playful accessories. Do-it-yourself projects and contemporary designs transform rooms with bright colors, cheerful patterns and interesting textures inspired by designer Charlotte Hedeman Gueniau and her home furnishings company Rice. Add some humor to your décor and deploy her ideas, including vibrant throws and cushions, storage ideas to hide clutter, hand-painted furniture and decorative motifs for walls and other surfaces. Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be by Rachel Hollis What if the stories you tell yourself are derailing your happiness? If you think other people have life all figured out and you are lagging behind, this book can snap you awake. Rachel Hollis, founder of the lifestyle website TheChicSite.com reveals 20 lies and misconceptions that can hold us back. With vulnerability, Rachel shares her personal story to show how happiness is a choice you can make each day—regardless of where you are on your journey. Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up by Marie Kondo You’ve likely read or heard of Marie Kondo from her international best-seller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, that inspired millions of people to get organized and surround themselves only with items they truly love. In her latest book, Spark Joy, she illustrates her popular KonMarj method of organization. Use her advice to organize kitchen tools, cleaning supplies, hobby goods and digital photos. When’s the last time you asked yourself if your items are propelling you forward or holding you back? Experience the euphoria and mental freedom that comes from Marie’s magical decluttering advice. The Empowered Mama: How to Reclaim Your Time and Yourself While Raising a Happy, Healthy Family by Lisa Druxman “There isn’t enough time in the day.” If you’ve ever said this sentence (or felt it!) then this book is for you. The old adage that if mama isn’t happy no one is—is so true. Use the tools in The Empowered Mama to learn how to recharge your body and mind when the demands of motherhood, your professional life and your home life are taking all of your time. Maximize your time by focusing on what you have to accomplish most and use her many tips to get your life in order. Rediscover how to feel like an empowered mother for your own well-being. When moms are happy, the home will be full of happy energy, too. Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces You Never Want to Leave by Joanne Gaines Joanna Gaines, famous designer and co-star of HGTV’s Fixer Upper with her husband, Chip Gaines, shows you how to create a home that reflects your personality and becomes a place you never want to leave. In Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces You Never Want to Leave, learn how to know your design style by assessing your likes and dislikes and going with your instincts. Homebody is your go-to manual to create a beautiful home and spaces customized to your personal tastes. Her step-by-step guide will help you redo your house room by room. Happier Now: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Embrace Everyday Moments (Even the Difficult Ones) by Nataly Kogan When you step inside your home, you know it holds memories both good and bad. What if you began looking at your life differently and looked at every moment of your life as truly living—even the painful moments? Author Nataly Kogan immigrated to the United States from Russia and has a unique perspective and draws from science, Eastern traditions and her experience as a refugee on how to be happier by boosting your resilience and building up your emotional immune system. Stop the “I’ll be happy when” and change your life to “I’m happy now because …” Embrace difficult times with more compassion and stability. Enjoy life inside your home no matter what is going on in your life at the moment. Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs by Marc Chernoff Use the power of your daily rituals, mindfulness practices, and self-care routines to overcome whatever life throws your way and be your best self. Personal development experts Marc and Angel Chernoff wrote the book they needed most. Elevate your sense of purpose at home and live with a greater sense of self-worth. For example, learn the art of mindful reframing to get in a better mental state. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, reframe how you view your life and begin to see your life as rich and interesting. You also will learn how to work on your relationship skills to foster mutual respect, genuine affection and lifelong trust. Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles to Help Anyone Declutter Their Home and Life by Joshua Becker What if you reduced the possessions you own to inspire living? Simplify is a celebration of minimalism. Find out how to live more by owning less from someone who made the leap. Author Joshua Becker and his family minimized possessions, decluttered their home and simplified their lives. His experience led to a profound sense of freedom and inspired him to share his story with others. “We were never meant to live life accumulating stuff. We were meant to live simply enjoying the experiences of life, the people of life and the journey of life—not the things of life,” he writes. Get It Together! An Interior Designer's Guide to Creating Your Best Life by Orlando Soria Designer Orlando Soria started out on HGTV and his popularity grew with his well-known design and lifestyle blog, Hommemaker. With his signature blunt and funny style, Get It Together! walks you through challenges such as how to plan a dinner party when you’re broke, how to hang art like you own a gallery, or prepare your home for an unwanted guest. Laugh out loud with his take on topics such as "How to Make Non-Garbagey Flower Arrangements.” He offers design tips for men, how to make your own coffee table and decorate a kid’s room. Solve home entertaining dilemmas, avoid newbie design mistakes and host guests like a pro. With humor, he shows anyone how to get it together on the home front.

Podcast

Let Creativity Flow with Keiko Agena

If your internal critic and busy schedule keep you from the creative pursuits you enjoy, this interview—and a new book by actress Keiko Agena—are for you. Keiko, best known as Lane Kim on the TV show Gilmore Girls, wrote and illustrated No Mistakes: A Perfect Workbook for Imperfect Artists, for anyone looking to nurture their “wild, wacky” and more spirited side. In No Mistakes, interspersed with coloring pages and her original artwork, Keiko guides you through simple exercises based on one of the founding ideas of improv: Any misstep is an opportunity for growth and creativity. In this episode, you'll learn: What most adults get wrong about creativity How to dial down your critical inner voice to try new things Keiko’s “no mistakes” philosophy and how to apply it to your life How to carve out time for creativity Also in this episode, Science Editor Paula Felps talks to Live Happy CEO Deborah K. Heisz about her new Find the Good blog on livehappy.com. Links and Resources For more go to mskeikoagena.com Twitter: @KeikoAgena Facebook: Keiko-Agena Instagram: @keikoagena

Self-Care

Ask Stacy: How Do I Motivate a 10-Year-Old?

This advice column aims to help Live Happy readers overcome stumbling blocks on their road to happiness. Send your questions to askstacy@livehappy.com. Stacy, I’m a single parent with a 10-year-old son who just started 4th grade in a new school. My son doesn’t seem motivated to write neatly or do homework, and he often fools around in class. What can I do? —Brandy Dear Brandy, There are a lot of challenges that come along with having a 10-year-old child. During this phase of life they are learning to interact with their peers, adapting to rules both academically and socially, and trying to learn to deal with expectations from school and home. This is often the age when testing the boundaries with teachers, parents and other authorities begins. It sounds like all of these things are related to what you are describing with your son. First of all, whenever there are issues going on with a child, I recommend that he or she get evaluated by a pediatrician just to make sure that everything is going well physically. I believe in a team approach when it comes to issues at school. I recommend you talk with your son’s teacher so that you can come up with a plan that all of you agree on. This plan might include a behavior contract that outlines expected appropriate behaviors, rewards for good behaviors, removal of privileges for inappropriate behaviors, etc. You can also discuss what are appropriate expectations for someone his age. You should sit down and try to problem solve with your son. Ask him if he can explain to you what has been causing his behavior, and attempt to work together in a calm way to solve each of the issues that you mentioned. Often, kids have great advice on how to make their own lives better! As for you personally, being a single mother is both a challenging and rewarding job. Please make sure that you are taking good care of your own physical and emotional well-being while you are busy taking care of your son.

alone woman sitting next to her lover's empty chair

Self-Care

The Virtual Gratitude Visit

When you express gratitude to a deserving recipient, it boosts happiness all around. This effect can last for weeks. Martin Seligman’s concept of the gratitude visit is a great example of how the process works. One person writes a letter of gratitude for someone who has not been properly thanked, and then the letter is delivered in person. The recipient reads the letter aloud and both then enjoy the positive exchange and benefit from a stronger relationship. But what about those who can’t express their gratitude through the written word or are no longer in contact with the person they want to thank? Researcher and psychologist Dan Tomasulo explored this question with a potential solution he found by combining the research of positive psychology with practice of psychodrama. “I started experimenting with something called the virtual gratitude visit,” Dan says. “People could have an empty chair across from them and deliver the gratitude. It’s not a letter but just something off the top of their head, and they think of someone who extended kindnesses to them who doesn’t necessarily have to be available or alive anymore.” By using the model of Martin’s gratitude visit, Dan initially developed the idea because of his work with the mentally disabled who can sometimes have communication problems. Not long after, he realized that this technique could be beneficial beyond a clinical setting as well. Here’s how it works. The person expressing the gratitude sits across from an empty chair. They express their gratitude verbally to a recipient as if that person were sitting in the chair. This could be someone who lives far away or a relative who has passed. Then, in a bit of role-playing, the person giving the gratitude then takes on the role of the recipient. Dan says the virtual gratitude visit is also great in a group setting because multiple people can experience the positive emotions flowing through the room simultaneously. “When you witness a role-playing of something that integrated, where people are having authentic feelings of gratitude, we respond with what Jonathan Haidt calls elevation,” Dan says. “We get buoyed by this and are moved emotionally.” Friend and Harvard psychology professor Tal Ben-Shahar asked Dan to demonstrate the technique with him, as Tal wanted to thank his mentor who passed down the Harvard happiness course. It became of the fastest growing classes in Harvard’s storied history. Dan and Tal filmed the intervention, and both were quite moved by the experience. At the Fifth World Congress of Positive Psychology in Montreal, Canada, Dan received the 2017 Avant-Garde Clinical Intervention Award for his work on the virtual gratitude visit. While on stage, he showed this video with Tal at the ceremony so people can see how it works.

Be a Consciously Irresponsible Parent

4 Ways to Keep a Happy Relationship

Adopt a New Best Friend This Month

Extreme Grit With Snowmobiler Colten Moore

Concentration is Meditation

Strengths-Based Parenting With Lea Waters

9 Books for a Happy Home

Let Creativity Flow with Keiko Agena

Ask Stacy: How Do I Motivate a 10-Year-Old?

The Virtual Gratitude Visit

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