Angela Lewis

Angela Lewis Finds Happiness in Love

Growing up in Detroit taught Angela Lewis that anything can be achieved with hard work and passion. The stage and screen actor has starred in numerous hit shows including Code Black, The Last Ship and The Good Wife. Currently, you can check out her gripping performance as Louise Saint in John Singleton’s latest series Snowfall on FX. Coming from such a strong and caring family, Angela says she was shielded from a lot of “noise” that creeps though beleaguered big cities like Detroit. Finding the right mindset to play the lovelorn, drug-addicted Louise seemed like a challenge for Angela at first, but she turned to compassion to breathe life into the character. “I wanted for everyone to not disregard her and women like her and be able to see her from a compassionate place and human place,” Angela says. “That became really important to me and was the reason I wanted to love her, even if no one else was going to love her. She deserved love.” The cathartic process even opened her own eyes to how easily we can write people off because of their unfortunate circumstances. She believes we all can all be happier in life with a little more love. Who taught you the most about happiness and why? I taught myself the most about happiness through life experience. I certainly have role models and people who I have looked to for examples of this or that. In terms of what makes me happy? I have to go deep and explore the inner workings of myself, because no one can give you happiness. You have to find that on your own; you have to know that it comes from inside you. I’ve learned that the hard way, but I have certainly learned. What do you do to pay if forward? Now that I have a platform, so to speak, I’ve got my eyes open and my ears open for a specific organization or a couple of organizations that I can really connect with and believe in, so they will be able to have a louder voice and longer reach. How do you make others close to you happy? I like to encourage people to be their best selves. I remember I had a birthday party recently and one of my friends said, “I won’t wear that dress, because it’s your birthday.” I said, “Oh no, honey. You wear that dress.” Because, no one can dim my light. Everyone should show up as their best selves and shine. I don’t believe that anyone has to dim for anyone else’s light to shine. The more someone else is shining, that just gives me permission to shine. How do you like to get some down time? Going to the movies, going to see plays. We went go-kart racing recently. I haven’t done that in years. I like to go roller skating, I like to go to dinner with my husband or my friends. All kinds of things. Where is your happy place? This may sound cheesy, but my happy place is anywhere with love. That could be with my husband, if it’s just us two here at home, or overseas somewhere, when I am with my close girlfriends or my family. I think of myself as a pretty happy person. Recently l went to see Amma. She travels the world and gives hugs. I went to visit her for the first when she was in Los Angeles. It was such a beautiful experience, and I was there with my husband and a friend of mine. I met a couple new friends. Eventually we were surrounded by swarms of people I didn’t know, but there was so much love and joy in that space that it was really incredible. Wherever there is love, that is my happy place.
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Pre teen children in school

Can Schools Teach Happiness?

If you ask any parent what they most want for their children growing up, chances are they’ll answer something like, “I want them to be happy.” Which parent wouldn’t want that? So, if this is the aspiration that most parents want for their children, shouldn’t teaching children how to lead well-rounded and happy lives be a big focus for schools, too? I believe there are many reasons why the emotional well-being of our children should be central to a good education. Curbing a Mental Health Crisis The most recent evidence certainly points towards there being a mental health crisis amongst our young people. According to research shared by the mental health charity Young Minds: 1 in 10 children have a diagnosable mental health disorder. Half of all mental ill health manifests by the age of 14 and 75% by the age of 18. These statistics don’t have to be the inevitable future of our young people. Schools can put programs in place and create cultures where the emotional well-being of students and staff is placed at the center of their communities. A Path to Future Happiness A key reason why we should be investing more in our children’s wellbeing is because it is the strongest predictor of their future happiness. In his book, The Origins of Happiness, Professor Richard Layard and his colleagues have drawn from an extensive range of longitudinal data from across the globe to establish the key factors that affect human wellbeing. Richard’s team wanted to be able to answer the question, ‘In childhood, what best predicts happiness in later life?’ They concluded that, ‘If we go back to childhood…the best predictor of an enjoyable adult life…is the child’s emotional health, which…is significantly more important than all the qualifications the person ever obtains.’ It appears that investing in our children’s well-being pays dividends for the future! Schools and Teachers Make a Difference It may sound obvious that happy children grow up to be happy adults. What can anyone other than parents do about that? Well, it turns out quite a lot. In Richard’s book, his team dug down into the data and traced which schools and even which teachers some of the respondents had in childhood, along with their academic attainment. The book found that, ‘primary school teachers have more impact on the emotional health of the children than on the children’s performance in maths.’ The chapter on schooling ends with the encouraging conclusion, ‘Primary and secondary schools have major effects on the emotional well-being of their children.’ It shows that schools and teachers are crucial to developing and nurturing children’s well-being. We play a crucial role in raising healthy and happy children. A Case of Teaching Happiness Positive psychologist, Alejandro Adler, Ph.D., from the University of Pennsylvania, researched teaching a well-being curriculum to more than 700,000 students in Bhutan, Mexico and Peru. In all three studies, students in the intervention schools reported significantly higher well-being and they performed significantly better on standardized national exams at the end of a 15-month intervention. This suggests that schools can teach happiness and that, in doing so, students learn better. Schools must prioritize the happiness and well-being of their students and staff. This means having well-being on the curriculum, it means making positive relationships a key facet of children’s education, it means making physical exercise a core part of the daily routines, it means having structures and resources in place (like counseling services) for students that need extra support. Whether you believe the focus of schools should be teaching knowledge, or teaching happiness, when schools place well-being at the center of their curriculum, everyone wins.
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Young adult cancer fighters and survivors jumping on a beach

Waves That Save

In a little town north of Boston, Britte Roossien, a young mother of two, was running a day care program out of her house. In September 2010, however, her life changed when a routine visit to the doctor went horribly wrong. Britte’s doctor told her she had stage 2 Hodgkin’s lymphoma, cancer of the lymph nodes. She’d barely even had the flu before, and now cancer had stricken her like a runaway truck. Immediate surgery on her neck to remove her lymph nodes was followed by eight cycles of chemotherapy, then a month of radiation. A few months later, still suffering from severe fatigue, full-body aches and dramatic weight loss, Britte returned to the doctor for more tests. The results showed a large tumor had developed in her chest and that it, too, was cancerous. She had to give up her day care business and Britte’s husband, Tony, took over as the main caregiver of their children, son Jace, 4, and daughter Wylie, 2, as Britte underwent another round of treatment. When Jace had a bad dream during the night, Britte would hear his little footsteps as he walked to Tom’s side of the bed, not her own. It broke her heart not to be there for her children. “My life as I knew it came to a complete standstill,” Britte says. “Physically, I was wrecked. Chemo was very difficult for me, and radiation ended up being even worse. I would try to get a walk in daily to keep up my strength, but basically, I spent the majority of my time in bed or on the couch. I was crushed to not have the energy or strength to be the mom or wife that I once was.” Even after her treatment was over and doctors told her she was clear of cancer, Britte suffered from depression and anxiety, often turning to anti-anxiety pills and too many glasses of chardonnay to ease her fears. “Thoughts about the future would freeze me,” she says. “Could this come back? Could it happen to my kids? What the hell caused this in the first place? These are the thoughts that spiraled, causing anxiety, sadness and fear.” Sensing her mental anguish, one of her doctors suggested she check out First Descents, an organization offering cancer patients and survivors free-of-charge outdoor adventures like surfing, climbing and kayaking as a way for them to reclaim their lives.  Months later, still reeling from cancer-induced anxiety, Britte got the call: There was an opening on a First Descents surf trip in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Did she want to go? She had never even contemplated surfing before, but she figured she had nothing to lose. Surfing with a Purpose Ryan Pittsinger, Ph.D., Director of Counseling and Sport Psychology at Texas A&M University, grew up surfing in Manhattan Beach, California and is a self-described surf addict who says at a young age he spent at least three days a week in the ocean. He says even then he understood that surfing was an outlet for him. “If I was having a tough time or something was going on in my life, I could jump in the water and have the opportunity to not think about anything else but the waves,” he says. “Something about being immersed in the ocean—it’s so much more powerful than yourself. It has a mystique and a healing power to it.” As he grew older, Ryan became more and more interested in the idea of surfing’s influence on a person’s mental state and mood, an area that had seen little to no scientific research. After his undergraduate studies, he pursued a master’s degree in psychology at California State University, Long Beach. As part of his master’s thesis, Ryan conducted a study that analyzed 107 individuals—men and women of a range of ages and abilities—before and after a 30-minute surf session. The results, he says, didn’t surprise him that much; after all, it’s what he’d been experiencing in the water his entire life. “The results showed a significant increase in positive mood and tranquility after surfing for 30 minutes, and a decrease in negative feelings and fatigue,” he says. “In other words, participants reported feeling happier and more energized after surfing.” His study, published in the 2014 issue of Psychology of Men & Masculinity, surveys 12 male surfers to see how men use the sport of surfing to cope with life’s stressors, ranging from work tension, difficulty in a relationship or loss of a loved one. Whereas men especially can fall into the traps of using strategies like avoidance, anger or substance abuse to fix problems, Ryan wanted to find out if surfing could solve issues in a healthier, more positive way. He conducted his study literally while surfing. Using an underwater camera and laminated sheets of paper, he asked the men 22 questions about how they use surfing and what surfing provides for them. Often, the survey would be interrupted when the participant would catch a wave. One of the questions on the survey was, “What were you thinking about when you just caught that wave?” The answer, Ryan says, was usually something along the lines of, “When I’m surfing, I’m not thinking about anything except what is directly related to the act of surfing—and nothing related to my troubles.” “It’s pretty unique to have even a few seconds of complete freedom like that,” Ryan says. “Surfing is one way that people can find a real escape from their stresses.” Ryan is among a handful of researchers studying surfing’s impact on human psychology, but they are not entirely alone in their belief in the ocean’s healing powers. When Carly Rogers was 18, her mother passed away suddenly. She dealt with her grief by letting the ocean’s waves wash it away, getting a job as a lifeguard and taking up surfing. Since then, two decades later, she’s been a Los Angeles County lifeguard and an avid surfer. She’s also turned ocean therapy into her career. Carly is the director of programs at the Southern California-based Jimmy Miller Memorial Foundation, a nonprofit established in 2005 in memory of its namesake, a lifelong surfer who took his own life after a battle with mental illness. Carly, who was friends with Jimmy, runs the organization’s ocean therapy program, which offers surf lessons to U.S. veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other injuries, as well as teens living in shelters and foster care programs in inner-city Los Angeles. While getting her doctoral degree in occupational therapy at the University of Southern California, Carly conducted a study looking at the impact five surf sessions can have on Iraq war veterans diagnosed with PTSD and depression. “These veterans were all very strong, athletic, no-fear individuals. But put them in the water and they can’t resist it—they were all laughing and smiling,” Carly says. “They were saying things like, ‘This is the best day of my life. I feel alive.’ Surfing provides a positive, natural environment; a chance to build self-confidence; and a catalyst for change.” Her study, much like Ryan’s, reached the same conclusion: Surfing makes you happier. Healing Waves Avid surfers say they are not surprised by findings like Ryan’s and Carly’s—they, too, have experienced the raw power of the ocean. Among those is world-renowned big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton, who says surfing offers him a chance to relax amid the chaos. “The ocean has been one of the biggest teachers in my life,” Laird says. “Whether it’s the humility or discipline you learn or the confidence and joy you gain from riding a wave, all of those lessons from the sea are applicable on land.” Years ago, Laird was struggling in his relationship with his wife, pro volleyball player Gabrielle Reece—things just weren’t going smoothly. He flew to Tahiti to surf Teahupoo, known to have the toughest and biggest breaks in the world. As he was getting ready to depart the island, a massive swell began to head his way. Laird was ready when a rogue wave with a 30-foot face—which he named the “Millennium Wave”—came toward him. He says riding the giant wave put everything into perspective. “That wave changed my priorities and had a sort of spiritual effect on me,” he says. “We worked the things out in our relationship, and things have never been better.” You don’t have to be a professional surfer to feel the benefits of the ocean, Laird assures. First-time surfers may even notice the impact more. “Your first day surfing, that first ride on a wave, you’re never going to be more present than in that moment. You’re going to appreciate the difficulty of doing it and that leads to your feelings of accomplishment,” Laird says. “Plus, the sensation of riding the energy of a wave has an uplifting effect on your spirit; not only is it fun and makes you happy, it feels like soaring—your spirit takes flight.” Discovering Resilience In Nags Head, N.C., a little blue beachside building called Farmdog’s Surf School rents boards, offers lessons, and serves up post-surf açai bowls. The place is run by a charismatic guy named Robert “Farmdog” Farmer. On a warm day in June 2013, Britte showed up at Farmdog’s in remission from cancer and suited up for her first-ever surf lesson. Within five minutes of arriving, her camp leaders, Wreck and Pedro, granted her a First Descents nickname: “Big Red,” thanks to her recently regrown ginger-colored hair. In the days that followed, Britte got to know fellow cancer fighters as they all attempted the humbling act of standing up on a surfboard. Surfing, it turns out, isn’t exactly easy to learn. But something about it clicked for Britte. “I would try to stand up on my board, and I’d take huge wipeouts, but I’d bounce back up, usually laughing and coughing up some sand,” she says. “I was learning that I wasn’t going to break, that I was much stronger than I ever realized.” Robert says he sees this type of shift in people all the time at the surf school he’s owned since 2007. Over the years, he has witnessed people overcome phobias, ease anxiety, alter their body images and return a year or two later to tell him that his surf lessons changed their lives. “I’m merely a surf instructor, but people do share a lot when they’re in the water with you,” he says. “It’s both physical and mental therapy when we’re out there in the water.” Even when they’re getting pummeled in salt water—getting tossed off their boards by unwieldy waves—Robert says the ocean has a way of healing. “The ocean can have its way with you; it has no empathy,” he says. “But even when you’re out there struggling and the ocean is giving you a beating, it’s still rewarding, still cleansing.” By the time Britte was packing her bags to return to her family in Massachusetts, she was on her way to becoming a different person. “Surfing taught me that cancer was just a small part of my history and the woman that I actually was, right here, surfing, laughing out loud, in the moment and full of love for the people around me. I finally felt separate from cancer.” Since then, that experience has been a springboard for change. Five months later, Britte ran her first marathon, and last winter, she tried ice climbing for the first time. She’s continued to surf as well: This summer, she went on another surf trip with First Descents to Mexico, and she’s taken her family, including her kids, now 8 and 6, surfing, too. “Living life is no longer a scary undertaking. I’ve never felt stronger, less fatigued or more confident in my life,” she says. She no longer relies on anti-anxiety medication or wine to calm her nerves, and when her doctors asked her how she managed the transition, she told them simply, “I started by going surfing.” Want to try surfing? Here’s where to sign up from coast to coast. Campsurf: Los Angeles Take a private lesson or a group class at Manhattan Beach with California’s Campsurf, one of Los Angeles’ most respected surf schools. Bonus: Many of the instructors double as professional competitive surfers. (From $60; Campsurf.com) Farmdog’s Surf School: Nags Head, North Carolina. On the Outer Banks, Farmdog’s Surf School offers private, group and standup-paddleboarding surf lessons for all ages and abilities. Really want to dive in? Sign up for their new adult three-day surf camp held from June through August. (From $65; FarmdogSurfSchool.com) Paskowitz Surf Camp: Mexico and San Diego, California The San Diego-based Paskowitz Surf Camp runs a weeklong camp geared toward beginners in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, each spring, and camps in San Diego year-round. The camp was founded by legendary surfer Dorian “Doc” Paskowitz and is now run by his son, Izzy. (From $1,250 for weeklong camp; Paskowitz.com) Hans Hedemann Surf School: Honolulu, Hawaii Former Association of Surfing Professionals World Tour surfer Hans Hedemann opened Hans Hedemann Surf School in 1995. With three locations around Waikiki and one on Oahu’s North Shore, it’s the perfect place to learn while you’re vacationing in Hawaii. (From $75; HHSurf.com) CoreysWave: Montauk, New York Owned by Southern California transplant Corey Senese, CoreysWave offers private and semi-private adult lessons on Montauk’s Ditch Plains break. Sign up for a lesson between June and August for the warmest water and the most beginner-friendly conditions. (From $125; CoreysWave.com)
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Two young children with arts and crafts

The Art of Change

It was in the aftermath of a gut-wrenching divorce when it finally clicked for Mary-Mitchell Campbell. Suspecting she was too self-absorbed, she left for India on a four-month sojourn, volunteering at an orphanage for girls with disabilities. It was this life-changing experience that inspired the successful Broadway conductor to create Artists Striving To End Poverty (ASTEP), an organization that effects social change through the arts. “When I was there [in India] I developed a reality check,” Mary-Mitchell says. “I realized that I was responsible for what I had learned, and I was going to end up changing things to match that responsibility.” Through the magic of poetry, song, dance and the visual arts, volunteer ASTEP artists, largely found by word-of mouth or by asteponline.org, travel to places like India, Africa and the Philippines, teaching health education and life skills to impoverished children. “We aren’t using the arts to make [the children] artists per se,” she says. “We are using the arts to help them think like artists—to be innovative in their ways of problem solving.” For example, a song might be inspired by a classic Broadway melody, but it teaches the children all the details of HIV—and how to protect themselves. Mary-Mitchell says her months in the orphanage not only spawned ASTEP but helped redefine who she is. The organization’s latest initiative is an annual young people’s conference to address issues such as the environment and poverty—and how the arts can bring about change. “Our goal [going forward] is to fulfill the commitment to the kids—to see them through to a different life—helping them imagine a different life. ASTEP has given me perspective,” she says. “And a sense of purpose. And a lot of joy.”
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An educator teaching a class

Changing the Future With Positive Education

Welcome, Happy Activists! A Happy Activist is someone who, through kind words and intentional positive actions, strives to make the world a better place. Live Happy invites you to join our #HappyActs movement! On the 20th of each month, we encourage everyone to incorporate kindness into your daily lives by participating in each month’s planned activity. The more people who join the #HappyActs movement, the greater the positive impact we’ll all have on our homes, workplaces and communities. What you think and do matters! August’s Happy Act theme is positive education. Psychologist and founding member of positive psychology Martin Seligman, Ph.D., defines positive education as “the intersection of traditional education with the building of well-being.” The goal of positive education is help young people find and develop their character strengths so they can thrive in life. Research shows that students who participated in programs that taught both academic and social and emotional health, had a 10% improvement in grades and well-being as well as a buffer against anger, anxiety and depression. August’s Happy Act is to lead by example by developing your own character strengths while teaching young people about the character strengths they need to flourish, such as kindness, forgiveness, leadership and perseverance. By providing tools to improving social and emotional health, they have the ability to improve their well-being and live a happier life. Psychologist and bestselling author Lea Waters, Ph.D. spoke at the 2018 Festival of Positive Education in Fort Worth, Texas and said, “parenting is a really important piece of the positive education puzzle.” Check out the VIA Institute on Character to find out more about character strengths and how you can apply them to your life as well as those around you. Our August Happy Activist is elementary school teacher Lucie Buissereth-Lindner in Stockholm, Sweden. She says she tries to make the world a happier place by making small impactful changes in her students’ lives every day. “Teaching kids the importance of a relentless work ethic, authenticity and self-belief is the way I give back in hopes to create an army of leaders and a legacy of excellence!” she says. Lucie and her students are working toward competing in the World Inter-School Rope Skipping Championship 2019 in Belgium. “Not only will they test their strengths, and power, but also build self-confidence, make new friends, and broaden their horizons!” Their team is called 'The HusbyGårds Hopprep Starzzz ' which translates to “Super Enthusiastic, Hard-working, Talented Girls and Boys of Sweden!” For more information on positive education, check out the links below: Character and Well-Being 4 Ideas Shaping the Future of Education The Importance of Positive Education The Power of Character Strengths With Ryan Niemiec Time to up your #HappyActs game. Help us spread global happiness by becoming a Happy Activist and host your very own Happiness Wall. Learn how you can host a wall at your school, business or organization and find out how to create your own fantastic wall using one of our Happy Acts Wall Kits.
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Family On Hiking Adventure Through Forest

How to Live a Life by Design

More. Did you ever want to be more or have more in your life? Even if you’ve accomplished all you’ve dreamed of or desired, perhaps you’ve noticed that there’s a part of you that keeps nudging you toward whatever is next. As I’ve made my way through life, I, too, have always desired more. I didn’t want to have more things in a physical sense; instead, my aim was to become a better person: more knowledgeable, more thoughtful, more generous, and more loving. Despite my professional successes, I never fully understood why I continued to desire more until I met Mary Morrissey, a premier personal development expert, cherished mentor, and dear friend. Mary was the first to introduce me to the idea that, as human beings, we are always seeking a freer, fuller, more expanded version of ourselves and that life is always seeking its fuller expression through us. Take some time here and really think about how this might manifest itself in your life. Consider the following questions: How do you want to live your life? If you were living a life you truly loved, what would it look like? How would it be different than it is now? What would your health look like? What would your relationships be like — romantic, familial and otherwise? With whom would you be hanging out? Would you travel or pursue hobbies you love? What would you be doing with your time? Since I know it’s tempting to breeze by these questions, I’d like to encourage you to grab a journal or notebook so that you can jot down some initial ideas. Journal 1: How Do You Want to Live Your Life? Take time to write out answers to the questions above. When I ask clients these questions, I get responses that range from impassioned, detailed descriptions about a great imagined future to quizzical looks that convey countless doubts about the ability to achieve any of their dreams. Yet most people share a few important responses: They desire to be fully engaged in something that feels meaningful and purposeful. They want to experience their impact on the people and situations in their lives. They consistently want to feel more confident and empowered, and less affected by life’s daily challenges. No matter how many times people have been advised to be more confident or have higher self-esteem, rarely are they told how to achieve these goals. Rest assured, it can be done. In fact, you can definitely learn how to be confident and resilient. The challenge is that most people believe that life is doing something to them, so they live by constantly reacting to life’s dilemmas. If you perceive life as a set of difficult problems, criticizing and complaining can become coping strategies you use to deal with what you perceive as the harshness of such a life. People often don’t realize that they have a hand in creating the life they want. Once you start setting clear intentions and taking inspired action to meet specific goals, then you begin to develop a sense that you have a say in how life unfolds for you. In fact, many people find their purpose in life by actively pursuing their goals or dreams. When you experience purpose and meaning in what you are doing, it often feels like you are the conduit through which life is fulfilling itself instead of a mere victim of life’s hardships. Personal development trainers often describe these two very different approaches—reactionary versus creative—as, respectively, living “life by default” and “life by design.” This book was written to help you live life by your design. You have a hand in creating a life you love—one that enables you to be confident, emotionally strong, enthusiastic, purpose-driven, and resilient. The process involves embracing all of life: all of the good, fun, enjoyable, happy experiences, and all of the crummy, messy, unexpected, and unpleasant ones, too. The Gift of Unpleasant Feelings Most of us want to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings either because they are so darn uncomfortable or because they elicit some measure of pain. This avoidance, what some psychologists call “experiential avoidance,” occurs through distracting yourself. By moving away from difficult feelings, you actually cut yourself off from emotional information that could help protect or enhance your life. Consistently distracting from or avoiding what is unpleasant and uncomfortable is, unfortunately, often the start of a slow trek to increased anxiety, bodily pain, vulnerability, and disempowerment. If you continue to distract or stay disconnected from the truth of your own life experiences over long periods of time, you may experience feelings of emptiness, numbness, and soulful depression™—a result of being disconnected from yourself. Eventually, this can transform into something worse: intense feelings of isolation, alienation, or hopelessness. But it doesn’t need to move in that direction at all. Just as there’s a path to soulful depression, there’s a path to confidence, emotional strength, and resilience—three qualities that have a direct impact on your ability to lead a meaningful life. How, then, do you develop into an emotionally stronger and more capable person? As paradoxical as it seems, the answer is tied to your capacity to tolerate pain—or your capacity to handle unpleasant feelings. The more you are able to face the pain you experience, the more capable you become. you are able to face the pain you experience, the more capable you become. The essential keys to developing confidence, feeling emotionally strong, and being resilient involve an openness to change, a positive attitude toward pain, a willingness to learn from any experience, and a capacity to experience and express unpleasant feelings. When you’re able to effectively handle unpleasant emotions, you’re likely to feel more centered, confident, capable, and calm in the moment. Your consistent ability to deal with difficult feelings translates into relief from anxiety, harsh self-criticism, and negative self-talk. As you continue the practice of experiencing these unpleasant feelings, you increase your capacity to engage in courageous conversations, which often results in mending and deepening relationships. If you stay well connected to your moment-to-moment experience, not only will you move your life more fully into who you want to be and do more of what you love, you’ll start to develop a greater sense of purpose and meaning in your life. Why wouldn’t you want to embrace your unpleasant feelings if it results in living the life you’ve always wanted? *** Excerpted from90 Seconds to a Life You Love. Copyright © 2019 by Joan I Rosenberg, PhD. Used with permission of Little, Brown and Company, New York. All rights reserved.
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Happy Smiling Young People Hugging, Showing Heart Shape With Hands And Enjoying Each Other Outdoors.

Healthy Relationships Make Us Happy

How much do you value your close relationships? Do you fear your partner will reject you? Are you afraid to commit? How you answer these questions can give you valuable insights into yourself and the people closest to you. Relationship Check-in Research shows you can create distance in an intimate relationship two ways: anxiety and avoidance. Too much attachment-related anxiety, and you may worry your partner doesn’t feel the same way about you or that he or she may leave. Too much attachment-related avoidance, and you may fail to make a commitment and drive people away. When you take the Close Relationships Questionnaire, you can measure your level of attachment. Being happy in our relationships is crucial to our subjective well-being and knowing where you are will show you where to go. Thank You, My Love A study from the University of Georgia found that couples who express gratitude for one another regularly often have healthier, happier relationships. Furthermore, gratitude has a counter effect when a couple is engaged in conflict, such as when they’re undergoing financial stress. Gratitude protects the quality of the marriage, leading to fewer thoughts about divorce. Feeling appreciated and valued puts the same kind of protective coating on the relationship. Allen Barton, Ph.D., postdoctoral research associate at UGA’s Center for Family Research, says a good way for couples to make sure they are expressing enough gratitude is to ask each other, “Do you feel valued and appreciated, and if not what can I do to change that?” It's the Little Things We’ve compiled some of our favorite ideas to strengthen and cultivate healthy, happy relationships in almost every aspect of our lives. Journal with your spouse. Find a journal—anything will do, including a basic spiral notebook—and take a few minutes to write to each other. Remind your spouse why you love him or her, whether it’s generosity toward those in need or an unfailing ability to make you smile. Most of all, keep your writing positive and focused on each other. Send a greeting card. Sending a text message or email is a quick, easy way to say hello to a friend or relative, but sending a physical greeting card shows thought, effort and love. Plus, your recipient can post your card on his or her refrigerator or desk as a daily reminder of you and your relationship. Collect ticket stubs. Remember when you enjoyed the evening under the stars and listened to your favorite band play? Or when you saw that awful movie together? Keep the ticket stubs from wherever your life as a couple takes you, collect them in a glass jar and place it visibly in your home. When you add new tickets to your collection, take a couple of minutes to reminisce about the fun you’ve had together. Plan the ultimate family fun day. Mark it on your calendars. Treat it as seriously as you would a work meeting or soccer practice and escape the commotion of life for a day of family fun. Get the entire family involved in the planning—surprise the kids with a short day trip; attend a local festival; or maybe even spend the day at home baking, watching movies or building a fort. Your family fun day doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg; it’s more about the entire family spending time together. Advice from the Experts How can we communicate more effectively with our loved ones? “For more than four decades I have been privileged to share the five love languages with people around the world. Understanding this concept gives individuals the information needed to effectively express love. By nature, we do for our loved ones what we wish they would do for us. We assume they feel loved. When they eventually say to us, ‘I feel like you don’t love me,’ we are surprised. The problem was not our sincerity. The problem was we were not speaking their love language.”—Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of The 5 Love Languages series What are some of the relationship-building benefits of the family dinner? “In today’s fast-paced, technology-steeped culture, having family dinner is the most doable way to hang out together; there are few other settings where the family gathers. …Family dinner provides a way to connect...a time to unwind, to check in, to laugh together, to tell stories. These benefits don’t depend on you making a gourmet meal, using organic ingredients or cooking from scratch. Food brings the family to the table, but it is the conversation and the connection that keeps the family at the table and provides the emotional benefits.”—Anne Fishel, Ph.D., author of Home for Dinner: Mixing Food, Fun, and Conversation for a Happier Family and Healthier Kids What is the single most important thing we can do to improve our relationships with our children? “Our relationships with our children improve the most when we work on our relationships with ourselves. When we find ways to be happy and calm and present, we are warmer and more responsive to our children, better listeners—and more consistent disciplinarians.”—Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work How can we create long-lasting, happy relationships? “Relationships thrive when there is an investment in an emotional piggy bank. Without a balance of positive feelings for each other, there is little to draw on during difficult times. The best way of allowing these positive feelings for each other to grow is to not deplete them. If you can have fewer negative emotions and reactions with each other in the first place, it can help preserve your positive resources.”—Daniel Tomasulo, Ph.D., MFA, MAPP, author of Confessions of a Former Child: A Therapist’s Memoir
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Executive woman in the office

When Resilience Meets Agility

We’ve all met people who we think of as resilient or those who have overcome tremendous adversity and gone on to achieve great things. We can also think about people who are agile, adaptable and always looking for the next big opportunity. Being resilient and being agile may seem like very different traits. But it turns out they are “states” not traits, and together they provide a superpower against stress, burnout and anxiety. High agility in combination with high resilience is a key factor in preventing employee burnout, depression and anxiety, which is one of the key findings from a national research study conducted by meQuilibrium. The study of 2,000 full-time employed adults found that 40 percent of those surveyed with high agility and low resilience show signs of moderate to severe anxiety and depression, while those with high agility and high resilience had very low anxiety and depression rates, with only 2 percent at risk of these mental health issues. This study is the first to look at the implications of agility (the ability to quickly react and adapt to changes), and resilience (the ability to rebound productively in challenging situations), in the context of crucial burnout and work-related performance consequences. Resilience combined with agility enhance and reinforce one another to such a degree that they multiply the effect of each. The research investigated the interaction between resilience and agility and their impact on absenteeism, burnout, engagement and intent to quit, along with stress, anxiety and depression. The study revealed that resilience and agility have a dynamic relationship; resilience combined with agility enhance and reinforce one another to such a degree that they multiply the effect of each. The World Health Organization (WHO) recently recognized burnout as a syndrome caused by workplace-related stress and one of the best ways to protect workers from experiencing burnout is for organizations to take steps to improve both resilience and agility among their employees. Here’s what we learned: Beware low resilience, especially with highly agile people. The study also discovered that building agility alone can produce unanticipated negative consequences. Findings revealed that highly agile employees who possessed low resilience had an increased risk of anxiety (+54 percent) and an increased risk of depression (+27percent). In addition, these agile, yet low resilience employees had an increased absenteeism rate of 5.7 days per year. TIP: Build resilience, especially in people who are considered agile. Low resilience plus low agility equals high burnout risk. For those with low agility and low resilience, burnout can be a common problem. meQuilibrium’s research found that 44 percent of those with low resilience and low agility are at risk of burnout, compared with 6 percent of highly resilient and highly agile employees. TIP: Watch for burnout, and see if low resilience is to blame. Resilience plus agility means employees are less likely to quit. The positive impact of resilience and agility extends beyond burnout prevention and high performance to turnover intent. The study revealed that resilience and agility work together to double work engagement. Employees who are both highly resilient and highly agile are about half as likely as those with low resilience and low agility to leave their job in the next six months. TIP: If you’re experiencing a turnover problem, look to see if low resilience and low agility may be to blame. Resilience and agility signals openness to learning. The study found that people with a combination of high resilience and high agility are 78 percent more likely to seek out a new skill and keep up with relevant innovations and upskilling, compared to only one percent of low resilient/low agility employees. In addition, highly resilient people are 28 percent more able to adapt to changing circumstances, possess 30 percent higher creativity and a greater capability to work well with different kinds of people, which is critical for optimal performance. TIP: In today’s dynamic business environment, being open to new skills is critical for success. Foster opportunities for learning, and encourage employees who take the initiative to learn skills beyond their current roles.
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Busy woman trying to work while babysitting two kids

The Juggle is Real

As a mom who runs a business while nurturing seven kids, I have often felt defeated by the demands of both 21st century motherhood and a career. I can’t tell you the number of times I have thrown my hands in the air and waved the white flag of surrender. The image of a juggler, tossing and catching countless balls, captures the mood of modern motherhood. So many moms today are tired, stressed and pulled in a million directions. They are exhausted from handling endless tasks and responsibilities. When they invest more time at work, they feel guilty for neglecting their family. And when they invest more time with family, they worry about letting the office down or missing out on career advancement. The juggle is real. And sometimes it can feel impossible. Here’s the thing: hope is possible. Mothering, following your dreams and living your best life is possible—all at the same time. The reality is we have choices in how we respond to everything in our lives. It might not seem like it all the time, but the truth is we always have a choice—and it’s always ours. For the last ten years, I have run my own business while raising an increasing number of kids, each born approximately eighteen months apart. Every time a baby arrives, I redesign, reshift, and refigure unique ways to approach self-care, childcare and work. As a result, I have talked to countless women about “balancing it all.” Mothering, following your dreams and living your best life is possible—all at the same time." And balancing it all, I believe, boils down to two central themes: 1. Knowing what is important to you, and 2. Ensuring the activities in your daily calendar actually match your true priorities. Sounds simple, right? And in a way, it is! But identifying what is truly important to us, and ensuring we act in accordance with this, takes some inner searching and some discipline to carry out. And I have found one exercise incredibly helpful in starting this process. Let’s start with a quick definition of priorities. Priorities give rank and importance to things in our lives and often motivate us to action. If health is a high priority, we will make time in the day to exercise. If spending time with your spouse is a high priority, you will ensure that date night is a recurring habit. If our work is a great priority, we will log long hours at the office. But we cannot make everything a priority. You cannot just keep stuffing your life full of things and expect it all to fit. So what is the key here? How do you avoid an overstretched life? The key is you. You have to decide—and declare—what is most important. Then you must not only let your priorities inform your decision making, but also work hard to keep these ranked priorities top of mind. Anyone can say family is at the top of their list. Anyone can say health is a priority. But why do so many people struggle with keeping fitness as a resolution, and why do so many mothers lament the lack of work/life balance? Because goals are only as good as the behavior attached to those goals. And behavior takes motivation to become habit. So, are you ready to get some motivation? One of the most efficient ways to gain clarity on what is truly important to us is to look ahead to the future. Fast forward to your 65th birthday, where your spouse, your adult children, your grandchildren, your friends and the people you have impacted through your work are gathered to celebrate your life. What do you hope they say? What do you hope your years on this earth will have stood for? If you were to live your most ideal life, how do you hope it will be remembered? Doing this exercise, and examining how far the gap is between where you are now, and where you hope your life will lead you, is a great exercise in identifying what is truly important to you, and then beginning to ensure your daily activities stem from your unique ordering of priorities.
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Silly young husband and wife in their kitchen playing with straight uncooked pasta noodles near their puckered faces

It’s OK to Play

Imagine a place where you can leap tall buildings in a single bound or a world where all of the animals can talk to you. Maybe you are Michael Jordan taking the last-second shot…and the crowd…goes…wild! Anyone who doesn’t routinely convene on the playground and use candy as a form of currency probably can’t—or doesn’t—anymore. It’s not that you haven’t at one time in your life, but as we get older, we stop doing those things that made us happy as kids. We have more responsibilities, more worries; we can’t just go off and play cops and robbers or run through sprinklers in the middle of a hot summerday. But do we have to take ourselves so seriously? People, including Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play and author of Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul, and Dr. Adam Blatner, author of The Art of Play and a psychodrama expert, don’t think so. In fact, both are hard at work making sure we don’t work too hard in life. “There is a category in life that’s absolutely valid called ‘just fooling around,’ ” Adam says. “You want to give up the childishness, but not the childlikeness.” According to Adam, when play is safe and friendly, the middle part of the brain (the part that shuts down during our fight-or-flight response) opens up and creativity and inspiration areendless. “When you’re playing, you can sometimes be so safe that you become spontaneous,” he says. “You can improvise, and you can even forget the ego; you become ecstatic. What’s happening is your unconscious is free, and there’s this ecstasy. It’s truly noncompetitive, you aren’t worried about impressing anyone and you are just in the flow. It’s a lot of fun if you can get a fair amount of play in yourlife.” Play on the Brain From the beginning of life, we are wired for playfulness. Once our basic needs are met, our curiosity kicks in, and we start to explore. Play activates and produces the circuits in our brain that allow us to learn, especially in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for judgment, planning and inhibition. Play teaches us how to socialize and empathize with one another, letting us know where the lines are drawn on what is fun and what is hurtful to others. This acts as a dress rehearsal to life and shows us how the world works without actually putting us in danger. “Play is built into [our] biology in avery deep way,” Stuart says. “As we lookat the biology of nutrition and thebiology of sleep, the things that wehumans need to survive, play is notnormally considered something important. But when you look at a life without play, particularly when a child isdeveloping, you begin to see the consequences of play deprivation, whichalso begins to show you the benefits ofplay.” Through four decades of research into the play histories of convicted murderers, Stuart found that the suppression of childhood play led to violent and anti-social behavior, compared to people who were able to play freely. Conversely, he found that fulfilled and successful people were more engaging and optimistic when their history included a healthy amount of play. Playful people tend to be more flexible and adaptable to evolvingsituations. “There is a self-organizing, natural way for healthy play to be part of the developmental trajectory of a child, particularly when it’s not over-controlled by a parent or well-meaning teacher,” Stuart says. “Kids learn to assess risk if there are graduated opportunities to play freely. They learn to not climb the biggest slide in the playground if they aren’t ready to do that. There are these languages of play and play risk that the kids themselves tend to be able tomodify.” While play is more prevalent during childhood for learning and skill development, it continues to benefit our wellbeing throughout our lives. More often than not, Stuart says, the trajectory of optimistic, self-reliant and highly engaged adults gained those qualities through a healthy play history, making it an important component of being fully human. Getting Back to Play “A lot of adults don’t know how to play with their kids—they don’t know what to say,” Adam says. “If their kid says, ‘Mummy, I learned about kings and queens today,’ a lot of parents would say, ‘Yeah, so?’ Very few parents would [respond], ‘Well then, would you like to play kings and queens?’” Adam, a lifelong practitioner of play, says the older we get, the more “don’ts” we tend to collect. When you give yourself a certain amount of “uncontrolness,” you get back the joy of play. Instead of brushing off their request to play royal court as silliness that you don’t have time for, go to that faraway place. “Going through the process of explaining and acting out the roles of kings and queens, whether it’s true or not, is playing,” Adam says. “Grownups forget how they can do this, but it’s wonderful to have one of your sub-roles be as a playmate to your kid. Some of the time you have to stop and be the role of the parent and say, ‘Don’t draw on the wall,’ but most of the time you can be in there playing with the kids. It’s a treasure that’s part of the art of living.” You don’t need a prescription to reclaim your inner child. Thinking back to those playful moments from your childhood, like a favorite birthday gift or a game you really enjoyed, and trying to remember the feeling the experience gave you will remind you to have more fun in your life. The more playful we are, the more flexible we will be emotionally and the greater our imaginations will become. “You can fill your adult life and elder life with more and more play, even in little bits,” Adam says. “It could be two minutes sprinkled throughout the day or it could be 30 seconds. I sing, I whistle, Imove my body in weird ‘dancey’ ways. Ithink of scraps of songs and poetry. The point is I fill my life with joy.” A Couple that Plays Together, Stays Together Dave Lovelace and Georgia Medler, a retired couple living in an active-adult community in Texas, play every chance they get. With a healthy social life, they are constantly dancing, singing, acting and just enjoying life. Both say they have found the perfect match in each other, and they believe their spontaneity and the freedom to be their true selves is the strength of their relationship and 18-year marriage. “When you have the freedom to go ahead and crack jokes and be funny and play, when you know full well that not everything is going to be funny, there’s acceptance, and that gives you the ability to try it knowing there won’t be hurt feelings,” Dave says. “It’s the freedom to play that allows you to playmore.” Dave, or “Sillypops” as his grandchildren affectionately call him, is a salesman-turned-dancer, emcee and actor (a newfound passion). The 70-year-old practical joker never wastes an opportunity to try to make someonelaugh. When Dave and Georgia were married, Dave fashioned the ceremony after the television game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Unbeknownst to Georgia, when the justice of the peace asked Dave if he wanted Georgia to be his wife, he decided to use a lifeline and poll the audience. Luckily, they all said yes. The judge then asked if that was his final answer, and the rest is history. Having fun in life makes Dave and Georgia happy, and they try to instill that trait in their children and grandchildren. Just recently, the couple hosted what they call “Fancy Dinner” night with their grandkids. The kids get to have whatever they like, and for this particular dinner, one granddaughter requested the whole table converse in British accents, and they all made up silly names for each other. “They are free to let their imaginations just go wherever they will,”Dave says. “Spontaneous humor,improvisation and creativity areabsolutely essential to living life, and thekids have picked that up. They do it at home, and they do it here when they visit. Hopefully, we are good role models for them.” The Play State of Happiness Playing doesn’t have to be all, well, child’s play. Anything that you do for the sake of doing and that gets you into the flow is considered play. Both Stuart and Adam agree that when you surround yourself with people who have a light-hearted approach to life and savor the things that bring you joy and fulfillment, your wellbeing benefits. Playful banter with your partner, getting lost in a good book or playing tennis with an old friend and not keeping score—these are all ways to get into the play state. Stuart concludes that playing is an intrinsic act embedded in many species, but we “stretch out” the juvenile period more than any other. We are at the top of the play food chain, and being in a play state opens the door for creativity that gives us the ability to produce beautiful masterpieces or tinker with toys that lead us down the path to great innovations in life. Without play, we wouldn’t have movies, books, music, jokes, planes, trains—or magazines. Life would be pretty dull. “Play precedes happiness, and it is a building block to happiness,” Stuart says. “Really having a sense of fulfillment and joyfulness requires that we honor and stay close to our own personal proclivities and our personal play nature. I think play and happiness are partners.”
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