Senior couple posing with a frame on the beach

All You Need is Love

Love is a flower—you’ve got to let it grow,” Beatles legend John Lennon said. In truth, it’s perhaps the most beautiful flower we could ever plant (no green thumb required). We have to water it with affection, fertilize it with compassion and shelter it from the storms of everyday life. Here are 4 Ways to Strengthen the Relationships in Your Life: Journal with your spouse. Find a journal—anything will do, including a basic spiral notebook—and take a few minutes to write to each other. Remind your spouse why you love him or her, whether it’s generosity toward those in need or unfailing ability to make you smile. Ask your spouse out on a date. Most of all, keep your writing positive and focused on each other. When you do, you’ll end up creating the ultimate mood-booster and a family heirloom that generations to come will read and cherish. Send a greeting card. Sending a text message or email is a quick, easy way to say hello to a friend or relative, but sending a physical greeting card shows thought and effort and love. Plus, your recipient can post your card on his or her refrigerator or desk as a daily reminder of you and your relationship. Collect ticket stubs. Remember when you enjoyed the evening under the stars and listened to your favorite band play? Or when you saw that awful movie together? Keep the ticket stubs from wherever your life as a couple takes you, collect them in a glass jar and place it visibly in your home. When you add new tickets to your collection, take a couple of minutes to look at the other stubs in your jar and reminisce about the fun you’ve had together. Plan the ultimate family fun day. Mark it on your calendars. Treat it as seriously as you would a work meeting or soccer practice, and escape the commotion of life for a day of family fun. Get the entire family involved in the planning—surprise the kids with a short day trip; attend a local festival; or maybe even spend the day at home baking, watching movies and building a fort. Your family fun day doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg; it’s more about the entire family spending time together, creating memories and laughing. Take it From the Experts How can we communicate more effectively with our loved ones? “For more than four decades I have been privileged to share the five love languages with people around the world. Understanding this concept gives individuals the information needed to effectively express love. By nature, we do for our loved ones what we wish they would do for us. We assume they feel loved. When they eventually say to us, ‘I feel like you don’t love me,’ we are surprised. The problem was not our sincerity. The problem was we were not speaking their love language.”—Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of The 5 Love Languages series What are some of the relationship-building benefits of the family dinner? “In today’s fast-paced, technology-steeped culture, having family dinner is the most doable way to hang out together; there are few other settings where the family gathers….Family dinner provides a way to connect...a time to unwind, to check in, to laugh together, to tell stories. These benefits don’t depend on you making a gourmet meal, using organic ingredients or cooking from scratch. Food brings the family to the table, but it is the conversation and the connection that keeps the family at the table and provides the emotional benefits.”—Anne Fishel, Ph.D., author of Home for Dinner: Mixing Food, Fun, and Conversation for a Happier Family and Healthier Kids What is the single most important thing we can do to improve our relationships with our children? “Our relationships with our children improve the most when we work on our relationships with ourselves. When we find ways to be happy and calm and present, we are warmer and more responsive to our children, better listeners—and more consistent disciplinarians.”—Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work How do we use play to make our relationships stronger? “If you get into a win-lose situation, ‘I have to win and the other person has to lose,’ you are in an irresolvable situation. If on the other hand you can play with the others’ ideas without reacting to them and they can play with yours, you usually can arrive at a solution or compromise, a creative way of unifying these two differences.”—Dr. Stuart Brown, author of Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. How can we create long-lasting, happy relationships? “Relationships thrive when there is an investment in an emotional piggy bank. Without a balance of positive feelings for each other, there is little to draw on during difficult times. The best way of allowing these positive feelings for each other to grow is to not deplete them. If you can have fewer negative emotions and reactions with each other in the first place, it can help preserve your positive resources.”—Daniel Tomasulo, Ph.D., MFA, MAPP, author of Confessions of a Former Child: A Therapist’s Memoir Just the Facts Be an Active, Constructive Responder Fact: Martin Seligman, Ph.D., says our responses to our partners can turn a “good relationship into an excellent one.” Use positive emotions when engaging with your partner by genuinely smiling, touching and laughing. Source: Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being Be Social Fact: Research suggests that your future spouse is less than three degrees from you in your social network. So, go out and be social—you have a 68 percent chance of meeting your soul mate through someone you know. Source: Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives—How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do Happy and Healthy Fact: According to psychologist Ed Diener, Ph.D., close relationships influence our happiness and health. Being in a relationship with someone who shares mutual understanding, caring and validation can greatly improve your life satisfaction. Source: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth Happiness Attracts Fact: Studies suggest that people with higher levels of wellbeing are more likely to eventually find marriage partners than those with lower levels. Also, they are more likely to have stronger marriages. Source: The Oxford Handbook of Happiness Laughter Is the Best Medicine Fact: Adults with children at home are more likely to have stress, but they are also more likely to smile and laugh a lot. Source: Gallup.com Bonus Tip Bring a smile to a loved one's face with a promise ring. They are symbolic pieces designed to shout your feelings from the rooftops.
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Living in Gratitude With Kira Newman

This week, we’re kicking off an entire month of happiness to celebrate the International Day of Happiness on March 20. As part of that celebration, we’re launching the Live Happy 10-Day Gratitude Challenge, which is a great way to share your gratitude for friends, family and co-workers. This week’s guest, Kira Newman, is managing editor at the Greater Good Science Center and co-editor of the book, The Gratitude Project: How the Science of Thankfulness Can Rewire Our Brains for Resilience, Optimism, and the Greater Good. She tells us what gratitude does for us, how we can make it part of our lives and why it’s even more important during difficult times. In this episode, you'll learn: How gratitude brings people together. Simple ways to start rewiring your brain for gratitude. How gratitude and giving go hand in hand. Links and Resources Facebook: Greater Good Science Center Twitter: @greatergoodsc Instagram: @greatergoodmag Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:           
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Help Us Celebrate Happiness in the Month of March!

We want to spread happiness and thank the people who have made life more enjoyable this past year. Live Happy is kicking off a month of happy acts and challenges in celebration of International Day of Happiness on Saturday, March 20 and we’re asking you to join in the fun! Our month-long HappyActs campaign starts on Monday, March 1, and includes three key activities that will help bring more happiness into the world! We would be grateful for your participation in any or all of these activities this month. 10 Day Live Happy Gratitude Challenge We invite you to participate in a social media challenge this month by thanking someone in your life each day for 10 days and recognize them on your social channels. It’s easy: Thank 1 person a day for 10 days(or more) by posting on social media (Facebook, Instagram or Twitter). Tag the person you are thanking and challenge them to also do the 10 Day Challenge: Example Day 1: [insert nominee's name] – include why you are thankful. I’ve been nominated for the 10 Day Live Happy Gratitude Challenge. This past year has been difficult for all of us and we have all been facing our own challenges. I want to spread some happiness and thank people who have made my life better and happier this past year. I challenge [insert nominee's name] to do the same. #LiveHappy #GratitudeChallenge We recommend you include a picture or make a short video thanking them for the happiness they have brought into your life. 31 Days of Happy Acts in a Socially Distanced World We also invite you to do more good in the world. Do a Happy Act a day in the month of March! Download the 31 Days of Happy Acts in a Socially Distanced World calendar. Print it and display as a reminder! Perform a Happy Act every day! Share on social media and use #LiveHappy and #HappyActs. March 20th – The International Day of Happiness Since 2013 we have been creating Happiness Walls to celebrate the International Day of Happiness. This year we invite you to host a wall to bring awareness to the International Day of Happiness. Download, print, hang up and fill out the digital happiness wall. Tell us how you will share happiness! Take a picture with your printed wall and share on social media. #HappyActs #LiveHappy Live Happy Gifts We will be doing our part by giving gifts of Live Happy gear as appreciation for participation. To have a chance at winning a prize you must: Follow Live Happy on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Social media profiles must be public. Thank someone, tag us and use #LiveHappy. We could all use a bit more happiness and gratitude in our lives and we hope you will join us. Let’s celebrate what makes us all human! Listen to this podcast about Celebrating Happiness to learn more about what we’re doing. Listen to our podcast about Celebrating Happiness to learn more about what we’re doing.
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The Strength of Forgiveness

While forgiveness has been cherished and heralded across cultures for centuries, it’s not as common as you might expect. In the United States, for example, its average rank is 19th out of 24 character strengths. The practice of forgiveness is complex, but the research is clear on one thing: It is a process. It’s not something that you do one time and receive dramatic results, especially if you’ve been deeply hurt. Forgiveness involves many character strengths: Bravery—the courage to be vulnerable. Wisdom—seeing the bigger picture. Self-regulation—not ranting, exploding or expressing grudges. Humility—placing attention on the other person. Learning to forgive has great benefits, both physical and psychological. Science shows us this is largely because when we forgive others, we let go of our own suffering.
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How Satisfied are You With Your Life?

If you have ever wondered if you were truly satisfied with your life but couldn’t tell for sure, science has a way to give you the answers. The Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS), developed by Gallup senior scientist Ed Diener, is structured to assess the broad scope of satisfaction within your life, meaning your life as a whole. The scale consists of five statements, the first three dealing with the present and the last two dealing with the past, for you to strongly agree or strongly disagree with: In most ways, my life is close to my ideal. The conditions of my life are excellent. I am completely satisfied with my life. So far, I have gotten the most important things I want in life. If I could live my life over, I would change nothing. Depending how you answer, the results should give you a good sense of how things are going in your life in general. There are many factors that go into how we view satisfaction. People who score high on the scale generally have positive social relationships with family and friends, meaningful accomplishments and strong personal growth. People who score lower on the scale may not be happy with how things are currently going. They may have an unfulfilling career path or haven’t surrounded themselves with enough people who care about them. Temporary dissatisfaction, as Ed points out, is common and in some cases, even motivating. It may be time to reflect and make the necessary changes to improve your life if the dissatisfaction persists. The SWLS has been translated into many different languages and has been used in hundreds of studies to give researchers a global understanding of life satisfaction. It, among other similar questionnaires, can be found at UPenn’s Authentic Happiness site. Participating only takes a few minutes of your time and your answers can be part of the research.
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Visit of the bee (Melipona quadrifasciata) in the flower of cosmos (Cosmos sulphureus).

Coaxed With Kindness

In Mexico’s Yucatan peninsula, people say you have to talk sweetly to the bees, or they will fly away. “The bees are very sensitive,” said Maria Torres Tzab, who shares backyard beekeeping duties with her daughter and husband, Nicolas Castillo Ucam, in the village of Mani. Nicolas’ father warned him never to insult the bees. “Be happy when you see them,” Nicolas said, surrounded by a handful of friends and family, all nodding in agreement. “Have a good aura. They will leave if people fight—they are sad because they understand.” Sensitivity is just one characteristic that sets this particular genus of bee, Melipona, apart from the more well-known European honeybee (genus Apis). Melipona bees are commonly known as stingless bees for an obvious reason—they have no stingers. Additionally, Melipona honey is better than a trip to the pharmacy: proponents swear it cures coughs, sore throats, childhood asthma and poor body odor. Stingless bee pollen is good for anemia and natural energy, and eye drops clean and disinfect the eyes. Melipona beekeeping has been a part of Mayan culture for thousands of years. But for the last 40 years, it has been rare to find the native bees in the Yucatan, due to the introduction of European bees, use of pesticides and deforestation. Today, most people in the Yucatan have never seen a bee without a stinger. “People have vague recollections of their grandparents tending to the bees or seeing them in the tree trunks,” said Atilano Ceballos Loeza, director of the U Yits Ka’an school of ecological agriculture. “The knowledge is there. The memory is in the heart of the people.” The reinvigoration of that cultural memory became the key component of a collaboration between U Yits Ka’an and Heifer International Mexico, a branch office of the international sustainable development nonprofit. The project is called Kuxan Suum (“The Thread of Life”) after a Mayan legend of a rope that connected Mani and other communities. In this tradition, the project connects 13 communities through distribution of Melipona bees, which restore native biodiversity, promote pollination of local flora and recover Mayan culture. As part of the cultural component, the project emphasizes the ceremonies that Mayans used to bless and protect the bees, and ask for rain to nourish bee-friendly plants. Maria, like her husband, grew up hearing about Meliponas. Her father entertained her with old Mayan legends about the bees. But she never saw the sacred bees until a few years ago, when her daughter, Fatima Castillo Torres, now 26 years old, brought tree trunks of Meliponas home from U Yits Ka’an. “My dad told me how nice they were,” Maria said, her face lighting up. “It made me happy when my daughter got interested in them.” Now Maria, as well as her husband, friends and neighbors, carry on the tradition of their Mayan ancestors while bringing back an important part of the local ecosystem. And, of course, they all make sure to speak sweetly while doing so. This article orginal appeared in the April 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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6 Ways to Encourage Post-Traumatic Growth

The old saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a nice sentiment. Yet the evidence points otherwise. On the other side of hard experiences, some people can get stuck in negative emotions and suffer from mental health. Yet adversity—whether from a one-off traumatic event or a prolonged period of challenge (like a pandemic!)—is not an exclusively negative experience for all people. In fact, it can be a powerful catalyst for deeply positive personal transformation. Enter ‘post-traumatic growth,’ a term coined by psychologists to describe the phenomena of people emerging stronger in the aftermath of adversity. Considered both a process and an outcome, post-traumatic growth is not the opposite of post-traumatic stress but can be experienced alongside it. As is said in coaching, breakdowns precede breakthroughs. The larger the breakdown, the more transformative the potential breakthrough. Underscore ‘Potential’ In the realm of post-traumatic growth, the benefits of potential breakthroughs include stronger self-esteem; more meaningful and authentic relationships; and a greater appreciation of ‘the little things’ and of life itself. Of course, it’s impossible to predict what kind of post-traumatic growth people will have on the other side of this pandemic. Yet there’s reason to be confident many will. After the 2002-2003 SARS epidemic, 60% of Hong Kong residents reported stronger family relationships and a third felt better equipped to share their feelings with family and friends. Here are six ways to facilitate your own post-traumatic growth, helping you not just ‘bounce back’ to your former self, but to ‘bounce forward’ from this pandemic in ways that leave you feeling stronger in who you are and able to thrive in whole new ways than you ever would have otherwise. 1. Reconstruct your ‘assumptive world.’ You might not know this, but you live in what psychologists call an ‘assumptive world’ that helps you make sense of this world and your place in it. Trauma has a way of knocking our ‘assumptive world’ off its axis, as our beliefs about how the world (and our lives) ‘should be’ butts heads with reality. Comments like, "I never thought this would happen to me," tend to follow such collisions. Reconstructing your assumptive world after a tough time requires rewriting the story you have about how life in ways that incorporate new experiences without leaving you lingering in emotions of self-pity, blame or powerlessness about the future. After being in an armed robbery and losing my first pregnancy in the second trimester, I had to do just this. Sure I knew these things happened to other people, but I somehow assumed they would never happen to me. My new story reconciled my optimistic outlook that ‘life is good’ but incorporated the reality that ‘bad things can (and do) happen to good people including me. 2. Celebrate new strengths. Adversity has a way of acquainting us with strengths we might never have discovered, or sharpen existing gifts or skills in new ways. The last twelve months have provided a masterclass in many things—from mastering Zoom calls to homeschooling. Take time to identify and acknowledge the talents you’ve uncovered, strengths you’ve sharpened or mastery you’ve gained that will serve you long into the future3. . 3. Deepen your spirituality. Faith in some higher spiritual force—which some call God but which can go by many names—has been a deep source of hope and meaning throughout history. Of course, not everyone who experiences post-traumatic growth suddenly ‘finds God’ in their darkest hour, but research shows having some form of spiritual belief system helps people to weather life’s storms better and emerge better for it. In the aftermath of my brother’s suicide, my own faith couldn’t change the past but it helped steel my resolve to live my own life more purposefully. 4. Foster connection. We forge more meaningful relationships through our struggles and vulnerability than our successes and victories. Unsurprisingly, one of the strongest predictors of post-traumatic growth is a robust support network. So while you may feel tempted to wear a mask or withdraw entirely, make a point of staying in touch with a few people with whom you can reveal the truth of your life.  5. 5. Love yourself harder. When life feels out of control, double down on what lays within it…starting with doing more of what nurtures you—the body, mind and spirit. This includes being extra kind to yourself, particularly in your not-so-gracious moments, cutting out (or at least cutting back) on the less healthy coping strategies like excessive drinking. Create a morning ritual that starts your day strong. My own includes exercise, journaling and reading wisdom literature. It sets me up to turn my breakdowns—large and small—into breakthroughs faster! 6. Embrace discomfort. Calm waters don’t make great sailors. Likewise to live your own potential will require weathering a few stormy times. The whole is looking forward to emerging from this one! So embrace discomfort as a pre-requisite for growing into the person you have it within you to be. Not only that, but sometimes those experiences you’ve thought were ruining your best path forward are really just revealing it.
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Making Your Home the Happiest Place on Earth

When Susan Froetschel, a mystery writer, moved from Washington, D.C., to East Lansing, Michigan, for her husband’s teaching job, she had only a week to find their new home. Her real-estate broker was certain she had the perfect house. It was in the location Susan wanted—just blocks from the town’s main street—and at $130,000 well within the couple’s budget. Still, Susan balked. “From the front it was completely plain and boxy without any outdoor space,” she says. “I didn’t even want to walk inside.” But the interior was lovely, and Susan had a vision of an enclosed front porch lined with windows on three sides. Today, some three years later, the 20-by-8-foot porch, with its view of a maple tree, is the blissful center of Susan’s home. “The porch is shelter and observatory,” Susan says. “It connects us to nature and to our neighborhood. It’s where my husband and I eat, entertain, work and talk late into the night. Neighbors walk by, and we wave them in for a cup of tea or a glass of wine.” Four months before her August 2013 wedding, while working nonstop to launch a new website, Silicon Valley entrepreneur Jessica Greenwalt broke her engagement. She moved from the San Francisco apartment she’d shared with her fiancé into a rental in Berkeley. With its layers of beige paint and bare lightbulbs standing in for fixtures, “it was depressing,” Jessica says, “and it was making me even more depressed.” Once she got her startup off the ground, Jessica devoted a week to create a place that reflected her frilly, ornate taste. She painted her living room walls antique yellow, replaced those naked bulbs with chandeliers, filled the apartment with vintage French Victorian furniture and placed antique knickknacks on the favorite landing places of her parakeet Lord Jello Worthington II. “I took a comically rundown apartment,” Jessica says, “and turned it into a home that reflects who I am and what I love.” In 1997, Esther Sternberg, a neuroimmunologist, lost her mother to breast cancer. Along with her grief, she was experiencing intense pain from inflammatory arthritis in her knees, wrists and shoulders. When friends invited Esther to stay in their cottage on the Greek Island of Crete, she was grateful for the change of scenery. Every day she swam in the Mediterranean and climbed the pebbly pathways, “at first hesitating,” she says, “then with increasing confidence,” to a stone chapel that sat on the ruins of an ancient temple to Asclepius, the Greek god of healing. By the time she left Crete 10 days later, Esther was on the path to healing. She was also on her way to becoming one of the most prominent scientists studying the interaction between our environment and our physical and psychological wellbeing. “What we see, what we smell, what we touch in our environment can improve our mood and our health and help us heal,” says Esther, the founding director of the University of Arizona’s Institute on Place and Wellbeing. We may not be conscious of it, she writes in Healing Spaces: The Science of Place and Well-Being, but a place can trigger memories and habits that can “cause us to spiral down into despair” or “rescue us in times of need.” All of us, Esther says, can create surroundings that tap our brain’s “internal pharmacies.” And it’s in our homes where we have the greatest capacity to take advantage of this environmental Prozac, says Travis Stork, an emergency-room physician and co-host of the syndicated talk show The Doctors. “People underestimate the impact our homes have on our health,” Travis says. “But, I’ve seen in the ER and in my own life that our home can go a long way in either undermining or enhancing our physiological and emotional health.” Sitting pretty If you want a blueprint for happiness, modern science can help provide it. As environmental psychologists study the effects of physical space on mood and emotions, neuroarchitects—a mashup of neuroscience and design—investigate how our physical surroundings influence brain processes such as stress, emotion and memory. Together, their findings suggest that the purchases we make at Home Depot or Pottery Barn can affect us in ways we never would have imagined. Consider the matter of buying a chair. Sally Augustin, Ph.D., editor of Research Design Connections, says that psychologists studying the implications of the way we sit found that our posture influences “the rich chemical stew in our brains.” People sitting up straighter have more positive views of themselves than people slouching. Sitting in a way that allows you to take up as much room as possible leads you to feel more powerful and have a higher tolerance for risk. Even padding matters. People perched on hard chairs are much more inflexible during negotiations than those on soft seats. So, when it comes to planning the family vacation, move the conversation from the stiff-backed Queen Anne chairs in your dining room into the living room with its upholstered sofa and easy chairs. Science also explains why we’re so willing to pay more for a room with a view: it’s good medicine. A 1984 study by psychologist Roger Ulrich found that surgical patients in a Pennsylvania hospital whose windows overlooked a small stand of trees left the hospital a full day sooner, had fewer complications and required less pain medication than patients with views of a brick wall. In 2006, neuroscientist Irving Biederman of the University of Southern California would discover that there’s a part of our brains, the parahippocampal cortex, that responds to sweeping views. Rich in opiate receptors, the site releases endorphins, our feel-good hormones, when we gaze at pleasing vistas. What Esther calls the brain’s “beautiful view spot” can be tickled not just by the hills of Crete but by a sliver of sky above a city skyline. Or, even by a painting or photography. In a recent study at a men’s detention center in Sonoma County, California, a mural of a savanna grassland was installed in the booking area, and versions of the same scene were placed over the cell blocks. The researchers wanted to see what, if any, impact the landscape would have on the correctional officers. They outfitted them with heart monitors, and the findings were striking. After the murals were mounted, the heart rates of the correctional officers were considerably slower when they began their shifts than they were pre-mural. And their heart rates didn’t spike by the end of their shifts the way they typically did. Researchers say we’re hard-wired to respond to nature because our survival as a species depended on careful observation of it. We needed to know how to respond to weather, spot predators, find refuge, farm and hunt when there was sunlight and sleep when there was none. Roger Ulrich, who did the study of hospital-room views, has said, “When we recognize those elements today, even if we’re highly stressed or sick, our blood pressure lowers, our immune system functions better, and we feel less stressed.” Harvard biologist Edward O. Wilson coined the term “biophilic design” to describe architecture or design that connects us with a living environment. To get a biophilic buzz, we don’t need to let goats graze in our living room. We can stay in touch with the cycle of sunlight—and our own circadian rhythms—by placing sheer curtains on our windows. Or, says Sally, even incorporating visible wood grain into our environment, through hardwood floors or unpainted maple or walnut furniture, will have a calming effect. Happy places Creating what Sally calls a more “place happy” home isn’t rocket science. Or even neuroscience. But it does require us to approach buying, remodeling or decorating tweaks to our home with introspection. Architect Sarah Susanka is the author of a series of best-selling books such as The Not So Big House, Not So Big Remodeling and Not So Big Solutions for Your Home. Her philosophy is that instead of focusing on square footage and traditional room plans, we think instead about what it takes to create a home that’s an expression of our authentic self. “When our houses reflect who we really are,” she says, “we end up feeling much more at home in our lives.” Sarah says her clients are often uneasy ceding control to an interior designer. “It’s like walking onto the stage set of somebody else’s home,” she says. “It’s filled with beautiful things but it doesn’t feel like their home because these objects don’t have any meaning to them.” Jessica understands that feeling. She says her “extravagant design outburst,” was unleashed by the disquiet she felt when she moved into her former fiancé’s apartment, which was furnished to suit his tastes. “He preferred industrial-style design,” she says, “and while everything was nice, it didn’t reflect me at all. I always felt like a visitor in my own home.” Sarah suggests keeping a place journal for home-improvement projects—large or small. Make notes about the places in your life that make you comfortable and uncomfortable. Take photos and make diagrams; you might admire the beauty of a soaring greenhouse but feel diminished by the scale of the space. Supplement with pages from your favorite magazines or websites. “Our home is not just a visual thing, it’s a feel thing,” says Maxwell Ryan, creator of the design website Apartment Therapy. Sound and texture, Maxwell says, are important elements in creating an environment that feels nurturing. “Most people want their homes to be a retreat from the world,” he says, “a place where they can recharge. You won’t achieve that with rooms that feel noisy and harsh.” Maxwell is a strong advocate of the noise dampening effect of fabric. “Whether it’s curtains, rugs, wall hangings or upholstered furniture,” he says, “fabric can give a room a quieter and more peaceful feeling.” 8 Steps to a Happier Home Use space creatively. Make a dining room double as a library by adding bookshelves. Place area rugs beneath furniture arrangements to define areas for reading, conversation and work. Bring in the houseplants. Greenery helps sharpen focus, boost immunity, clear the air and boost our spirits. For a natural sleep aid, keep potted lavender in your bedroom. According to NASA, plants can remove up to 87 percent of gases like benzene and formaldehyde within 24 hours. Make a breeze. Movement in a room will remind us of a meadow on a spring day. Arrange seating for conversation. Not every chair should face the TV. Have a focal point in each room. A fireplace, bay window, sculpture or potted palm tree are all good forms of visual punctuation. Move away from the walls. Place furniture in a way that lets people meander around the space, but make sure everyone’s back is protected. Create “symbolic” points of protection with standing lamps and console tables. Create a space of your own. We all yearn for an area of retreat. This can be a window seat or a corner of a room framed with a folding screen for quiet contemplation. Cultivate smart messiness. For all the books on banishing clutter, décor that’s too minimalist can rob us of ways to highlight our values and interests. Decorate with travel mementos, family photos and objects that evoke happy memories. This article was originally published in the January 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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6 Steps to Positive Change

Driving home from a family gathering or a dinner with friends, you might conjure up a being who looks like you but behaves differently. He or she was more gregarious at the party, slower to anger at a sister-in-law’s snarky comments and assertive when a colleague offhandedly dismissed a solid proposal. Pretty much all of us, psychologists say, harbor visions of a new and improved version of ourselves. “A vast majority of people want to change at least some aspect of their personality,” says Nathan Hudson, Ph.D., a researcher at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. A study he co-authored found that when it came to tweaking personality traits, 87 percent of participants wanted to become more extroverted while 97 percent said they’d like to increase their conscientiousness. Not very long ago, experts would have said that those hopes were nearly as futile as the wish to be two inches taller. A concept of personality called the “Big Five” emerged in the 1970s, developed by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor and the University of Oregon. According to this model, an individual’s personality is a blend of five core dimensions. These include the two traits that Nathan mentions above: extroversion (outgoing, talkative, sociable) and conscientiousness (organized, disciplined, trustworthy). The other three dimensions are agreeableness (compassionate, kind and friendly), openness to experience (creative, curious) and neuroticism (people low in this trait are calm and confident while those on the other end of the scale are prone to anxiety, anger and depression). A growing body of research is leading experts to revise the view that these core traits are rooted in genetics and mostly fixed in adulthood. The longest-running personality study ever undertaken, for example, shows that our personality changes dramatically over our lifetime. In 1950, researchers at the University of Edinburgh rated some 1,200 14-year-olds in Scotland on six personality traits, from self-confidence to perseverance. Six decades later, the researchers tracked down and reassessed nearly 200 of those original participants. Their findings: Thanks to small incremental changes over the decades, there was no significant correlation between the traits people had as teens and the ones they displayed as seniors. In other words, they were dramatically different individuals at 77 than they had been at 14. Those findings don’t surprise psychologist and adult development pioneer Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. In a landmark study, she followed a single group of women and men from their years as undergraduates well into middle age. As she notes in her book, The Search for Fulfillment: Revolutionary New Research That Reveals the Secret to Long-Term Happiness, our robust ability for change doesn’t carry a “best by” date. “At any age, anyone can feel fulfilled, can create a sense of meaning, and, essentially can find happiness—no matter what their level of satisfaction was in their youth.” In a personal example, she recently left the rambling home she lived in for 33 years in Amherst, Massachusetts, and moved across the state to Boston to join the faculty at the University of Massachusetts Boston. “I wanted something new,” she says. “Moving out of my house was agonizing, but also very liberating.” Susan adds, “The great thing is that when you start to tinker with the behaviors that bother you, you’ll start to change the way you think about yourself. Your narrative goes from ‘I’ve always been a worrywart,’ which is high on neuroticism, to ‘I can feel relaxed if I want to.’ Seeing yourself in charge of your personality rather than being run by it may be the key to having your personality suit instead of define you.” One of the clear findings in Nathan’s recent research at the University of Illinois with fellow researcher Christopher Fraley is that small changes can have big payoffs. Yet, “It’s not sufficient to merely make an intention to change a personality trait. People have to actually change their behaviors, week by week, with small, realistic and attainable goals.” Try these six expert tips to begin making real and lasting personality adjustments. How to Get Started 1. Look forward to looking back. “Live your life when you’re young as if you’re looking back on it when you’re old,” Susan advises her students. The same thing holds at any point in your life. Five years from now, you’ll be glad you decided to put more effort into your marriage, signed up for that watercolor class or gave online dating a chance, whatever the outcome. “People think the only way to change is to go completely all off the rails,” Susan says. “But ‘change’ with a lowercase c can be easier to wrap your head around and surprise you in how much it impacts your happiness.” 2. Find your motivation. “You can’t prioritize everything,” says Alice Boyes, Ph.D., author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit: Simple Strategies to Get Out of Your Own Way and Enjoy Your Life. “It takes cognitive effort and discipline to make a change from whatever comes most naturally to you, so find the bigger reason for making a change, like stronger relationships or a more satisfying work life.” “People devalue incremental improvements,” Alice says. “But what I call micro-steps might completely solve a problem and have a big impact on your happiness.” Feeling distant from your spouse? If you spend 180 minutes a day together, make a commitment to devote just 10 percent of those moments—18 minutes in all—to being more emotionally connected. Turn off the TV, put away your smartphones and engage in a conversation about something other than politics or household chores. “Over time,” she says, “that can really lead to a relationship that feels closer.” 3. Get real with yourself about what you’re willing to do. Consider obstacles when you’re forming a plan for, say, losing weight or eating healthier, Alice says. Saying you’re going to eliminate all white foods from your diet is unrealistic when your favorite dish at the corner bistro is linguini with clam sauce. You might, however, be willing to replace white bread with whole wheat and experiment with different types of pasta, like brown rice or quinoa, when you’re cooking at home. 4. Respect your temperament. “Acting out of character can have a depleting effect on us,” says Cambridge University psychologist Brian Little, Ph.D. That’s true whether you’re a natural-born introvert trying to behave more gregariously or you’re attempting to temper a combative personality. Brian’s advice is to seek out what he calls “restorative niches,” where you can allow your inborn temperament to roam free. A self-described “lifelong introvert,” Brian sometimes gives daylong presentations. By the end of the morning sessions, he’s feeling depleted and over-aroused. To recharge for the afternoon sessions, he declines invitations to lunch with colleagues and instead spends the hour taking a recuperative, solitary walk. 5. Accept that you’ll experience a mix of positive and negative emotions. Stepping out of your comfort zone is, by definition, uncomfortable. But, says Alice, there’s power in learning to tolerate emotions like anxiety, frustration, doubt or envy. “[It] opens up a world of possibility for what you can accomplish,” she says. “Choosing the most meaningful path over the most comfortable one will help you reach your potential.” 6.  Expand how you define yourself. A rigid self-identity can cause you to underestimate the available opportunities and choices, Alice says. If you define yourself as polite and easygoing, you may not be able to imagine yourself being assertive in asking for what you want. With flexibility, you can give expression to less dominant parts of yourself—the hidden extrovert, the sometime adventurer. “Every new situation provides us with an opportunity to bring any sides of ourselves that we want to that situation,” Alice says. Brian, in his influential book, Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being, says there has been a “sea change” in how psychologists view the link between personality and a motivation to change. “Under this new perspective, genes influence us as do our circumstances, but we are not hostage to them,” he writes. The “personal commitments and core projects that we pursue in our daily lives” allow us to rise above what are our natural inclinations. And, he notes, the new science of personality overlaps with positive psychology. Instead of only emphasizing pathology or shortcomings, it’s just as concerned “with positive attributes like creativity, resiliency and human flourishing.” “Change is what our lives are about,” Susan concludes in The Search for Fulfillment.  “No matter how you started out or where you are now, it is possible for you to get back on track with your original goals and dreams, or to find and define new ones. Your life’s script is one that you can write any way you want to, starting right now.” This article was originally published in the October 2018 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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Happy to Sleep

You’re Getting Very Sleepy

Our super-charged daily schedules and tech-spangled distractions that keep us hopping well into the night are beginning to catch up with us. According to the American Sleep Association, 40 percent of 40- to 59-year-olds and 37 percent of 20- to 39-year-olds report being regularly short on sleep. Yet routinely sleeping less than six or seven hours per night can have serious consequences on your health, says Matthew Walker, Ph.D. He is a sleep scientist and the director of the Center for Human Sleep Science at the University of California, Berkeley. In his book, Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams, he writes that sleep deficiency is associated with a compromised immune system, greater risk of cancer, problems with concentration and memory and possible shortened life spans. Matthew recommends eight hours sleep a night and is actually lobbying doctors to prescribe sleep. (Sleep, not sleeping pills.) While some people may cut short their sleep on purpose to gain more waking hours, others long for a solid eight hours of rest, but have trouble getting or staying asleep. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, approximately $63 billion is lost each year due to insomnia; it has become a national crisis. For many of us, active, stressed-out brains—our monkey minds—keep us in overdrive. How can we make our racing minds relax so we can get that badly needed sleep? “Count backwards from 300 by 3s,” says Michael Breus, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, sleep expert and author known as “The Sleep Doctor.” “It is mathematically so complicated you can’t think of anything else, and it is so boring you are out like a light.” Stress and anxiety are the big culprits for making us toss, turn and lose our ability to will ourselves back to sleep. Both cause physical tension in the body, Michael explains, and they also cause the body to release hormones such as adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine, which boost energy and alertness and raise heart rate and blood pressure, priming the body for fight or flight. Fortunately, several approaches have proven effective to help you get back to sleep. Tips from Matthew Walker: 1. Get out of bed. If you are having trouble falling asleep for more than 15 minutes, he suggests getting out of bed so your brain doesn’t associate that as the place where you don’t sleep. He recommends going to a dim room to read a book—no digital devices, no screens. When you get sleepy again, go back to bed. 2. Meditate. Scientific data supports meditation as a powerful tool for falling asleep and getting back to sleep. Meditation can be as simple as paying attention to your breathing. 3. Keep it cool. Sleep in a cool room if you can; a temperature of around 68 degrees is ideal. Tips From Michael Breus: 4. Realize that how you spend your day impacts your night. Think of consistent attention to relaxation as a round-the-clock investment in your nightly sleep. Are you drinking excessive caffeine in the afternoon? Watching a scary movie right before bed? Expect to see an effect on your sleep. 5. Use self-directed phrases that promote relaxation. Quietly or silently repeat words or phrases such as “I feel supremely calm” that cultivate sensations of warmth and heaviness in different regions of the body. 6. Try 4-7-8 breathing. Inhale for four seconds, hold breath for seven seconds, exhale slowly for eight seconds. Repeat several times. “A long slow exhale has a meditative quality to it that is inherently relaxing,” he says. 7. Use visual imagery. Imagine yourself on a restful journey—such as floating peacefully on a calm ocean, being rocked by gentle waves and caressed by a warm breeze. This can help separate you from a stressful day. 8. Try progressive relaxation. Working with one area of the body at a time, tense and then relax each muscle group from your toes to the top of your head. As you do this, be aware of what your body feels like when it is relaxed. This article originally appeared in the October 2018 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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