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Halfway to a Better Me

As we continue with Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, join editor Chris Libby for part two of his blog series as he attempts to maintain the goals he set with the help of coach Caroline Miller. So, we are 45 days into my 90-day program of goal-setting and I am already starting to see positive changes. I like running, so one my first goals was to start my workouts in the morning instead of after work. The result has been more energy when I get to work and more time at night to spend with my family—both positive things. I haven’t created more hours in the day; I just rearranged my activities to get as much efficiency out of it as I can. Another useful assignment from my coach, Caroline Miller, was to write an essay about my best possible self 10 years from now, including all the things I’d like to accomplish if there were no limits. By 2026, I wrote, I would have successfully completed two marathons, continued to flourish in my career and saved money to travel abroad with my family. My daughter is growing up to be thoughtful and caring about those around her. And I have completed a Zen garden that surrounds a hammock swinging in my backyard. Unfinished business Back in the real world, I do have a hammock in my backyard and I’ve often thought about creating a landscaped area around it—something Zen-like and calming. That was supposed to be my summer project of 2015. Here we are in 2016 and it's still not complete. Every time I walk into the yard, I see the hammock above the patch of barren land. This constant reminder of unfinished business can do one of two things: motivate me to finish my landscaping goal or fill me with negative thoughts and regret. I am currently experiencing the latter, because the hammock has been a lower priority than some of my more immediate goals. Limited bandwidth I have what Caroline calls “too many willpower goals.” It turns out we only have enough bandwidth to effectively accomplish one or maybe two goals at a time and do it well. Once we start to pile too many things on our plate, we can get distracted and discouraged. Regrets start to seep in and we don’t have the ability to fight off the temptation and just give up. Put your goals in order of priority Because I’ve set so many goals for myself during this project, including waking up earlier, getting more organized at work, running more, saving for travel and landscaping … one or more will inevitably get less attention. I know that I am not a landscaper and that is probably why this particular goal is at the bottom of my list, but I still feel badly about not completing it. Caroline says it’s OK to set priorities and be realistic about the goals we won’t complete. As it so happens, winter is not a great time to relax on a hammock anyway. I’ve even taken it down, so I am no longer reminded of an incomplete garden and I can focus my time and energy on more immediate goals. I will have a Zen garden, just not today or even tomorrow. In my essay, the exercise was to picture my goals in the next 10 years; not everything has to be completed in the first three months. Read Chris's coach Caroline Miller's 2nd blog about maintaining your goals, here. Catch up by reading Chris's first blog, here. Chris Libby is Live Happy's section editor.
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How the Liberal Arts Lost Its Happiness Groove

How the Liberal Arts Lost Its Happiness Groove

“The liberal arts are a luxury we just can’t afford.” You’ve probably heard some variation of that line before. I hear it all the time—from politicians, pundits, business leaders, the parents of my students, and (occasionally) from students themselves. With belt tightening and concerns about resources and employability in the new global economy, the sentiment is certainly understandable. But it leaves out something central about the liberal arts. At their core, they are about living the good life—a flourishing and happy life in the fullest sense of the words. Liberal arts are about what it means to be a human Let me explain. What we call the “liberal arts”—broadly speaking, subjects such as history, literature, foreign languages, philosophy, natural philosophy (science), and mathematics—derive from the classical artes liberales, those subjects that the Greeks and Romans believed were essential to making human beings fit for dignity and freedom (the Latin word liber means free). They frequently overlapped with the studia humanitates—what we call the “humanities”—essentially the study of what it means to be a human being. Great thinkers pondered happiness throughout history This was the foundational question of philosophy, whose central aim from Socrates forward was the investigation of happiness or human flourishing. It remained the question of philosophy for many centuries to come. Aristotle asked it. So did the Stoics and the Epicureans. In late Antiquity and the Middle Ages, St. Augustine, Boethius, and St. Thomas Aquinas wrestled with the question, as did Erasmus and Thomas Moore, among many others, in the Renaissance. In the 18th century, the great philosophers of the Enlightenment tended to agree with Voltaire, who declared that the “the great and only concern is to be happy.” And leading lights such John Stuart Mill continued to grapple with that concern well into the 19th century. The 20th Century decides: Happiness isn't cool But then something happened. In the 20th century, philosophers for the most part turned their back on the good life. They analyzed language; they thought about nothingness; they worried about alienation and nihilism. And centuries of thought about living well were largely dismissed, forgotten or ignored. A similar forgetting occurred in the study of literature, which had existed since its inception to provide pleasure to readers and enhance life with insights about the human condition. But in the 20th century, in the shadow of the Holocaust and two world wars, the study of literature was transformed into a negative affair. In such a climate, the positive seemed glib. Convinced that pain alone was profound and positive emotion somehow superficial and trite, academics across the world took the joy out of the novel, play, and poem, forgetting in the process to stress the themes that were always there between the pages: optimism and resilience, hope and forgiveness, gratitude and altruism, kindness, laughter, wonder and just plain fun. The dismal science It would be easy to trace this negative turn in other disciplines in the liberal arts and the humanities. Economics, which emerged in the 18th century to maximize the greatest happiness for the greatest number, became in the hands of its descendants the “dismal science,” devoted to maximizing profits. Politics, too, got caught up in the pursuit of power at the expense of the pursuit of happiness. Even the venerable discipline of history, whose very first document—The History of Herodotus—begins with an inquiry about the happiest man in the world, was transformed into a long chronicle of cruelty, oppression, injustice and not much else. “There is no document of civilization that is not at the same time a document of barbarism,” the influential critic Walter Benjamin declared. Not much room for happiness in that. A new look at the positive humanities Fortunately, with the dawn of the 21st century, things have begun to change, with students of the liberal arts and humanities today actively reclaiming their historic mission to examine and cultivate the good life. Similar to the shift in psychology in recent years toward a positive psychology that seeks to understand well-being and not simply disease, humanists are moving toward a “positive humanities,” which would draw out and focus on those aspects of the liberal arts that are of benefit to human flourishing and provide insight and guidance about how to live. Philosophers have begun to re-engage with the question of happiness and well-being. Students of literature are studying the great novels and poems of the world through the lens of happiness, drawing out themes that reckon not only with tragedy but with triumph and joy. For some time now, leading scholars in economics and politics have been pursuing gross national happiness in their works. And even historians have begun to write histories of happiness and positive emotion, making clear that the record of human achievement can inspire more than just despair. Optimism, hope and imagination The aim of this collective work is not to ignore suffering, as if life were just one big bowl of cherries, but rather to balance out the negative by drawing attention to the positive. The liberal arts provide a vast repository of wisdom about human well-being, and the positive humanities aim to bring its treasures back into view. Thus a recent anthology On Human Flourishing gathers classics of the world’s poetic heritage around themes such as insight, pride, self-love and resilience, ecstasy, elevation and rapture, consciousness expansion and growth, inspiration and imagination, optimism, idealism, and hope, wonder and awe, vitality and mindfulness, compassion, serenity, justice, and self-determination. The poets of the world have had deep and inspiring things to say about all these matters, and much besides. It is hardly barbaric to read their work with wonder and a smile. If the liberal arts can continue to return to its core mission of helping human beings to live well, then surely the richest civilization in the history of humanity can afford them. Happiness may be a luxury, but it is one that we all deserve. Darrin M. McMahon is a historian, author, and public speaker, who lives in Somerville, Massachusetts and is a Professor of History at Dartmouth College. He is the author of Happiness: A History, which has been translated into 12 languages and was awarded Best Books of the Year honors for 2006 by the New York Times, The Washington Post, the Library Journal, and Slate Magazine.
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10 Ways You Can Be Happier Today

How can we feel happier on a day-to-day basis? Practicing gratitude, unplugging and living in the present moment come immediately to mind. Sometimes we know all the right answers, but putting those ideas into practice is the tough part. To help you fully embrace life as it unfolds before you, we've put together this list of helpful practices. (Happiness overachievers can click on the highlighted links to learn even more about each practice.) 1. Strengthen self-control We don’t have to exhaust our willpower or decision-making quota for the day when we make healthy habits automatic. Make one or more of these fundamental habits a regular part of your daily life in order to help you set and keep other healthy habits: 1. Get seven hours of sleep; 2. Go for a 20-minute walk; 3. Don’t let yourself get too hungry; 4. Take time to unclutter; 5. Give yourself a healthy treat. 2. Get some sleep According to sleep expert Michael Breus, Ph.D., sleeping less than seven hours each night can negatively impact your outlook, make you crave unhealthy foods and even kill your productivity. For those with serious trouble sleeping, he suggests you go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, take the TV out of the bedroom and get out of bed if you can’t fall asleep within 20 to 30 minutes. 3. Build up your emotional toolkit If you struggle with depression or bouts of anxiety, build up your emotional toolkit. Use the tool of self-compassion to treat yourself with the same loving kindness you would extend to a friend. Silence that inner critic and give yourself a soft place to land when things don’t go right or you are working through a challenging experience. Fill up your mind with kind thoughts about yourself. 4. Improve your conversations One of the most powerful skills you can practice is empathy. We show empathy by asking questions to better understand the person we’re talking with. When we hear our conversation partner expressing complex emotions, we might summarize or repeat what they’ve said back to them to show that we are listening with empathy. 5. Exercise to get these unique benefits Scientific research has shown there are countless connections between mind and body; to simplify a complicated process: exercise boosts dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that make us feel happier. Find an exercise you love and set a goal (run a 5K, walk 10,000 steps in a day, or go to yoga twice a week). When we have a specific goal, we are engaged with life and excited about our progress and our future. 6. Get happier at work Make your workday happier by brainstorming new solutions for a work challenge in the morning when your mind is fresh. Sit down with your coffee or tea and spend 10 minutes thinking up as many ideas, solutions and possible outcomes to a problem or opportunity your team is facing. Then share the best three ideas with another team member. 7. Play Research from the National Institute for Play shows that putting playtime back in our routines can boost creativity, reduce stress, increase brain function and even improve our relationships with others. Wake up your inner child and play—roll down a hill, play a board game with your family, jump rope or do a cartwheel. 8. Smile By smiling more often, you will make others around you feel better and you will feel better too, creating a reverberating circle of well-being. 9. Win the war against worry Author Erma Bombeck once wrote, “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere.” Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, agrees, saying that worry is simply a fear of uncertainty. Keep a journal of your worries in order to keep them under control; in addition Karen recommends meditating, relaxing and downloading this free app. 10. Build up your resilience Surf champion Bethany Hamilton no longer views the shark attack that caused the loss of her arm as a negative in the scheme of her life. Instead, she practices resilience and fortitude by dwelling on all the positives that have resulted from it. Search for the silver lining and find the positives when you are facing adversity to become a more resilient person. Sandra Bienkowski is a contributing editor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.
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Birth of a Book

As those of us here on the Live Happy staff know very well, there are loads of books about happiness on the shelves. So what makes Live Happy: Ten Practices for Choosing Joy, special? We sat with our own editorial director, Deborah K. Heisz, to find out what sets this new book apart and what makes it a compelling read. LIVE HAPPY: Deborah, what made you decide we needed to create this book? DEBORAH K. HEISZ: As you said, bookshelves are full of books about happiness, and since I read them all—or try to, anyway—I noticed they fell into three distinct camps. One kind of happiness book is written by positive psychologists and is often targeted to the scientific community. Another kind of book is someone’s personal reflections on happiness, and the third type is written for businesspeople. We realized there was a huge gap that needed to be filled. There was no book that distilled the science on happiness—the results coming from the research of positive psychologists—for the average consumer and provide examples of people putting them into action. Doing that is the mission of this magazine and it was also the driving mission behind the book. LH: What do you think is the most common misperception people have about happiness? DH: Most people have the basic recipe for happiness exactly backward. They think that if only they had the right relationship, the right job, the right amount of money in the bank, then they would be happy. Yet happier people are more likely to attain success of all kinds. Happy people are the ones who have good relationships. Happy people get better jobs and make more money than unhappy people do. So you don't have to wait to be happy. My hope is that this book provides you with the tools to create happiness now. LH: The book’s subtitle says there are 10 practices for choosing joy. What are those practices? And why do you say that joy is something we can choose, since life can throw us all curveballs? DH: Happiness is a choice and something we can work on and increase all our lives. The wonderful thing is that so many aspects of our lives can bring us happiness. We just have to take the steps. We have to commit to the journey. The 10 practices that science shows us can lead to a happier life are these: a positive attitude, deep connections with other people, a sense our lives have meaning, creativity, gratitude, mindfulness, health, resilience, spirituality and giving back. Realizing that there are 10 things that contribute to joy means we all have an opportunity to become happier. Maybe you already take good care of your health and have a wonderfully positive attitude, but you realize you could develop your spirituality and resilience more. Or maybe you get stuck thinking about the past too much and you realize that becoming more mindful could hugely increase your well-being. And today there are so many people who have all the trappings of success, but they feel hollow inside—and they need to find a life of meaning that’s congruent with who they are. Identifying the practices we can work on is how we choose joy. LH: You also included 40 stories about people who used these practices to increase happiness. Why? DH: It’s one thing to learn the scientific facts about happiness, and another thing altogether to see how those facts play out in real people’s lives. Yes, we can conduct scientific research on happiness, but the insights take on much more power and are more memorable when we see how they truly impact people. LH: Were there particular stories that stood out for you? DH: There are so many stories in the book I will never forget. Some of them taught me practices that have made my life better…exercises in positive thinking and gratitude, for example. Some of them totally made my day, like the story of the Flennikens, who adopted a daughter and, 10 years later, a baby boy. Then just a few months later, they learned their son Zach’s two older brothers, ages 2 and 3, needed a home. Not only did the Flennikens take in both boys, months later they opened their hearts and home to his older sister. Within a year, their family went from three to seven! And, the dad told us, “We feel blessed beyond belief.” Then there were the stories that made me cry, stories of people who have been through the most awful tragedies I could ever imagine who somehow found their way back to happiness. I’m thinking in particular about Celeste Peterson, whose only child, Erin, was killed in the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Her daughter was her greatest joy, her greatest accomplishment as an at-home mom. Yet she found a way to make something good out of what happened by creating a nonprofit and using her motherly love to make a real difference in the lives of at-risk boys, including one her daughter had befriended. Those stories awe me. They show me how strong the human spirit is. They have changed me in a profound way. LH: Some of the stories are from celebrities. Why did you decide to include their stories in the book? DH: Just 10 of the 40 stories are from celebrities; the others are from regular people. The really interesting thing is, the celebrity stories aren’t any different from the others. We all have our struggles in life. We all need the same things to be happy—love, a sense our lives have meaning, the resilience to bounce back from setbacks. The journey to happiness seems to be a great equalizer. LH: What was the most important thing you learned from the book? DH: Anyone, regardless of what has happened to him or her, can find deep and lasting happiness. The science tells our brains that it’s true. But the stories go straight to our hearts. They are what really convince us that happiness is possible, no matter what. Order your copy of Live Happy: Ten Practices for Choosing Joy now to get a special package of happiness gifts.
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Win a Happiness Makeover Worth up to $3,000!

If you’re following our 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, you might be wondering how you can experience the same incredible one-on-one expert coaching that has transformed the lives of Live Happy staffers Donna, Kim, Chris, Susan and Shelley. Here’s your chance! Our extraordinary team of coaches has agreed to give two Live Happy readers an intensive, three-month “happiness makeover” with the coach of their choice. Each makeover has a value of approximately $3,000, and you can win one simply by telling us—in 300 words or fewer—how you believe you’d be happier if you overcame an obstacle related to anxiety, goal setting, sleep problems, communicating with another person or difficulty unplugging from work. Your essay must reach us at editor@livehappy.com by March 31, 2016 (see the complete contest rules here). If you’re struggling with anxiety: Choose Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and managing director of the Anxiety Treatment Center of Greater Chicago. Your coaching will include: 10 coaching sessions, up to 60 minutes each, by phone or Skype. Email contact in between as needed. Handouts relevant to your coaching (provided by email). Recommendations of books and other media. If you would like to improve communications with a loved one or a coworker: Choose Michele Gravelle, executive coach, communications expert and consultant with The Triad Consulting Group. Your coaching will include: A total of six one-hour coaching calls over a period of three months. Worksheets to be used in preparing for high-stakes conversations. Summary document of key tools that can be used to improve your personal communication skills. Autographed copy of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Doug Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. Autographed copy of Thanks for the Feedback by Doug Stone and Sheila Heen. If you are plagued by poor sleep: Choose Michael Breus, Ph.D., a board-certified sleep specialist in Los Angeles and best-selling author of Good Night: The Sleep Doctor's 4-week Program to Better Sleep and Better Health and The Sleep Doctor’s Diet Plan: Lose Weight Through Better Sleep. Your coaching will include Initial 50-minute consultation by phone or Skype. Review of weekly sleep diary. Review of specialized questionnaire designed to identify cognitive misperceptions around sleep. Sleep “prescription,” including changes in sleep hygiene and, if appropriate, sleep restriction and relaxation training. Weekly check-ins by email or phone with appropriate adjustments to sleep program. Signed copy of The Sleep Doctor’s Diet Plan. If you’d like to identify goals and map out a plan to achieve them: Choose Caroline Miller, MAPP, a professional coach, author, speaker and educator. Her book, Creating Your Best Life, is the first evidence-based book to connect the science of happiness with the science of goal setting. Caroline gave an acclaimed TEDx talk on grit in 2014, a topic she will cover in her upcoming book, Authentic Grit. Your coaching will include: Nine 1-hour coaching calls spread out over three months. An evaluation of your signature “VIA Character Strengths” survey. Guidance through evidence-based activities to clarify goals and the path to pursue them with the greatest chance of achieving success. These activities include “Best Possible Future Self” and “Me at My Best.” If you’d like to learn how to unplug from your digital devices and bring greater ease into your life: Choose Christine Carter, Ph.D., sociologist and senior fellow at University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work. Your coaching will include: 12 weekly 50-minute coaching calls by phone or Skype over the course of four months. Accountability check-ins by email. Intensive problem solving by email or phone to resolve issues as they arise. Unfortunately you can only choose just one coach (we know; they’re all amazing). Good luck—and enter today: editor@livehappy.com.
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90 Days to a Happier You Success Stories

In this episode we talk to the Live Happy team members who recently took part in the “90 Days to a Happier You” challenge. Find out how Susan, Kim, Donna, Shelley and Chris learned to make better choices and build habits that have helped them become happier people. Through this series we'll tackle topics like improving communication with others, managing negative thinking, overcoming chronic insomnia, setting life goals and learning to unplug from work. Learn more about our guests and their challenges: Susan Kane–improving communication skills Kim Baker–mastering anxiety Donna Stokes–unplugging from work Shelley Levitt–sticking to a sleep schedule Chris Libby–setting life goals
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Live Happy's 8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine's Day

8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine’s Day

Valentine's Day has become the yearly symbol of all that is special in a romantic relationship: adoration, appreciation, love. It is the calendar's trigger for us to exhibit our emotions, be it with material gifts or sentimental expressions of love. In many couples, one or both of the partners anxiously await this holiday as the one time of year where they feel doted upon in a special way. Valentine’s Day—or at least the expressions of love and caring that come with it—should take place every day, not just on February 14, and not just because there are pink and red hearts in all the shop windows. Kindness and generosity John Gottman is a psychologist who has been researching couples for more than 40 years. He has developed a method to determine whether or not a relationship is happy, and whether or not it will last for the long term. Specifically, he discovered that couples that exhibit kindness and generosity toward each other have better chances at long-term success and happiness. Read more: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship The attributes of kindness and generosity come easier to some more than others. That said, being kind to our partners can be learned through practice and diligence. One way to have a more fulfilling and happy relationship is to make the exhibitions of love that happen on Valentine's Day an everyday occurrence. Find ways to let your partner know that you love and appreciate him or her on a daily basis. Make the effort, just not all at once We are not saying you need to do all of the practices every day! These are ideas—Valentine’s Day-style romantic efforts that can be worked into everyday life. Here are eight terrific ways to get started. 1. Leave love notes on sticky notes and leave them around your house in hidden places (not too hidden) such as on a toothbrush, inside of a suitcase before travel or on the dashboard of the car. 2. Take five to 10 minutes out of your day to tell your partner all of the things that you love about him or her, everything from "You have a nice smile" to "I appreciate that you always make the coffee for me in the morning." 3. Leave a sexy or romantic message on the bathroom mirror your partner can find when going to bed at night or getting ready to leave in the morning. Read more: When it Comes to Love, Are You Mindful or Meh? [Quiz] 4. Surprise your partner by taking over one of his or her chores for the day. If your partner typically takes out the trash, let him or her be surprised by discovering you have already done it. Tell your partner you were trying to make his or her day a little bit easier. 5. Try to listen to your partner more attentively every day. Most of us are so busy and distracted that we do not always completely listen to what our partners are telling us. Make a concerted effort to focus, listen and respond in an attentive way. 6. Surprise your partner with a favorite treat. Stop by and pick up a doughnut or favorite coffee drink, and bring home, or drop it at the office when your partner doesn’t know that you’re coming. 7. In the middle of a busy day, check in and send a kind and loving email or text to your partner. Let your partner know you have been thinking about him or her, ask how his or her day is going, or just say how grateful you are to have them in your life. Read more: Redefining Love 8. Carve out some extra time to be attentive to your partner’s needs. Ask how you can make your partner’s day easier today, and then do your best to accomplish doing just that. These ideas will not only enhance your relationship, but you will also find that you’ve started a cycle that reverberates and creates more happiness for both of you—with or without the pink and red candy hearts. Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.
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Sweet Dreams Return!

Sweet Dreams Return!

As we continue with Live Happy’s special series 90 Days to a Happier You, join editor at large Shelley Levitt for part two of her blog series in which she triumphantly gets some sleep. A few weeks ago I was so exhausted from being restricted to a mere five hours of sleep a night that when I went to a 9 p.m. showing of The Martian I told my date to nudge me if I started nodding off. He did, and more than once. I’m pretty sure Matt Damon didn’t end up perishing on Mars, but I couldn’t say for sure. Now, a month later, I can report that the torturous “sleep prescription” my sleep coach Michael Breus had me follow—I couldn’t climb into bed before 1 a.m. and I had to get out by 5:30 or 6 a.m.—has proved remarkably curative. After years of chronic insomnia, I’m consistently enjoying a good night’s sleep. The path to good sleep is paved with interventions Under Michael’s coaching, I’ve changed a lot of behaviors beyond my sleep schedule. I no longer take naps. I don’t have caffeinated drinks after 2 p.m. While I’m still waking up a couple of times during the night, I’m not checking the time on my phone. And, in what I think has made a huge difference, I don’t pick up a book or start watching TV on my iPad—not even when I wake up feeling so fully alert and anxious that I won’t be able to fall back asleep. I’ve been shocked, and happily so, to discover that I actually will drift into the Land of Nod, as long as I keep the room dark. Questioning my beliefs Pretty much everything I thought I knew about my capacity for sleep has been turned upside down. Before we started the intervention Michael asked me to fill out a questionnaire that examined my beliefs about sleep. I had “strongly agreed” with statements like: “I need 8 hours of sleep to feel refreshed and function well during the day.” “I am concerned that chronic insomnia may have serious consequences for my physical health.” “I can’t ever predict whether I’ll have a good or poor night’s sleep.” “I feel insomnia is ruining my ability to enjoy life and prevents me from doing what I want.” A couple of days ago I filled out the questionnaire again and this time I checked off “strongly disagree” with each of these questions. Sleep restriction: painful but effective The evolution took place over weeks, with Michael gradually moving my bedtime back. Now, I’m on a midnight-to-6 a.m. schedule. It doesn’t feel like quite enough sleep; I think my sweet spot for slumber will turn out to be around seven hours. I’m no longer hitting a wall in the late afternoon, but I do find my energy sputtering at about 9 p.m., and it’s still an effort to stay awake until my prescribed bedtime. (Sometimes I don’t make it and I fall asleep on the couch, Kindle in hand.) I’ve asked (OK, begged) to get an extra half hour of sleep in the morning, but for now Michael isn’t budging. “The wake-up time is the anchor for the program,” he says. “You can vary your bedtime with social commitments, but if you start changing the time you get out of bed you’ll undo all my hard work…and yours!” And he showed no mercy when I told him how much I missed reading in bed. “I would prefer you NOT read in bed,” he responded when I emailed for a reprieve on the books-in-bed ban. “When you are lying down your heart rate and blood pressure will lower merely by your position and I like using that to help you fall asleep. If your brain gets used to that position while you are remaining alert to read, it will not be helpful. I suggest you find a favorite reading spot in your home.” Welcome, sweet dreams While I look forward to moving toward an 11:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. schedule, I agree with Michael’s assessment of my progress. “The number of awakenings and the length of awakenings are reducing,” he wrote. “You should realize that you are actually getting more sleep now. This is exactly on cue with what I was hoping would happen for you.” What’s more, I’m dreaming again, something I haven’t done in a long time, and that’s a good indication that I’m sinking into the deeper, more restorative stages of sleep. Read Michael Breus, Ph.D.'s blog in which he troubleshoots the most common issues that come up for people undergoing a sleep treatment. Read Shelley's first blog on her sleep program here. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy.
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It’s Not Easy Being Teen (or the Mom of One)

As we continue with Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, join contributing editor Susan Kane for part two of her blog series as she works to improve communication with her teenage daughter Coco. Whenever my daughter Coco and I get into a fight—when I feel the tears hot behind my eyes and see no way to restore our relationship back to a fun, loving one—I reach for the notes from my sessions with Michele Gravelle, my 90-Day challenge coach. Usually, I find some nugget of wisdom that allows me to go back to Coco and make things OK again, or at least better than they were. The most surprising, upsetting and possibly most effective suggestion was for me to keep a journal and jot down whatever is going through my mind right after an interaction with Coco. Looking at my emotions I didn’t think I was capable of having a less-than-loving thought about her. Was I feeling little peeved? Sure. But having to record my thoughts in the heat of the moment forced me to face just how angry I really felt. I wasn’t just angry….I was ANGRY. “It’s not always the words you say,” Michele told me, “but it’s your tone, your posture, what she sees in your face.” When I realized that Coco was seeing that rage directed at her, I sobbed. Since then, I have been able to stop myself before getting so mad. I remind myself first of how much I love her, and also that she is the kid in the relationship and I’m supposed to be the grownup! Self-compassion and self-forgiveness I was hard on myself when I read my journal, but Michele helped so much by reminding me to be more self-forgiving. She also asked me to examine my expectations around how Coco “should” behave and what our relationship “should” be like. When I catch myself getting too hard on myself, Michele says, think about statements like the following: “I forgive myself for judging Coco as belligerent. I forgive myself for wanting something different from her.” It sounds kind of corny, but it has made me feel better. Don't get “hooked” Michelle urges me to notice where I get “hooked”—in other words, when my buttons get pushed—and try to “rewrite the script.” The other day, Coco said something to me along the lines of, “Your outfit is ugly!” My feelings were hurt and I asked for an apology. When she then said “Sooorry” in that totally unsorry teenage way, I heard myself utter that typical-mommy phrase: “Say you’re sorry like you mean it!” Michele suggested that next time, instead of falling into a trap like that exchange, I try to get curious and turn things around by asking Coco a question, like what kind of fashion advice she would give me. (After giving birth to two kids, this body would not be well served in a crop top and skinny jeans, but I think just asking Coco for her advice, even if I don't take it, would probably have made things better.) The hardest years Despite Michele’s excellent tips, Coco and I continue to struggle sometimes when we communicate. She wants me near her and yet she pushes me away, at times leaving me feeling rejected and confused. But I have to remind myself that I’m the lucky one here. I’m a happily married grownup with a job I love. Coco is 13, and doesn’t that say it all? Being 13 stinks! My next coaching session is only five days away, and until then, I’m going to do my best to make life easier for the teenager in my life, whom I love with all my heart. Read Susan's coach Michele Gravelle's blog about maintaining healthy communication, here. Catch up by reading Susan's original blog here, if you haven't already. Susan Kane is a contributing editor at Live Happy.
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The Pitfalls of Perfectionism

As part of Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, join art director Kim Baker for part two of her blog series as she attempts to worry less and let go of perfectionism. What’s the use in worrying? What’s the use in hurrying? Turn turn, we almost become dizzy.”—“Dancing Nancies,” by Dave Matthews Band This song lyric resonates with me and serves as a reminder that I don’t want worry to take over my life. When I let negative thoughts and worries consume me, I begin to feel dizzy sometimes—my mind races and I don’t think clearly. I can become irritable and I don’t enjoy the moment. I am already jumping ahead to what needs to be done next and wondering whether I’m doing it well enough. Exposing myself to mistakes This is where my coach Dr. Karen Cassiday’s advice for me has been so helpful. Along with exposing myself to things that worry me and tracking my anxiety, she also asked me to work on mistake or flexibility exposure, which is a way for me to practice not over-preparing for the future and not trying to do everything perfectly. In anticipation of an event, I often get worked up over every little detail. So when I have a lot of things on my to-do list, that pesky anxiety has a tendency to show up because I am putting too much pressure on myself to do too much and do it all “the right way”—whatever the right way is, exactly. Happy times? The opportunity to work on keeping worry at bay and to expose myself to mistakes could not have come at a better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) time. For the past few months, I was swamped with design work for Live Happy magazine. I was also doing some work on my house, and some close family came to visit for two weeks. And yet I had taken on this, um, wonderful extra assignment for the 90-Day challenge at work. I guess you could say I was worried about my worry. What a great time to put these tools to use! Although I was pretty stressed and overwhelmed at times, I noticed that just being aware of the anxiety and thinking that I wasn’t going to sweat every little thing also helped a lot. I overindulged a little and didn’t exercise enough while my family was visiting, but I let myself off the hook a little and I tried to take “me” time in between the hustle and bustle. I got more sleep and enjoyed some days off, as well. Rethinking perfectionism Of course life is not going to be without to-do lists, plans and obligations. But I realized that I can choose to get worked up over every detail or I can take a deep breath and do the best I can. I can double-check my list instead of triple-checking and not over-think a present I bought or party I’m throwing. I can bring store-bought cookies to a birthday party instead of baking all day. At the end of the day, we are all human, we all make mistakes and if we are trying too hard all of the time to avoid those mistakes, we cause ourselves much unnecessary stress. We can be good enough without being perfect. At least, that is my takeaway. It certainly feels better for me. Read Kim's first blog here. Kim Baker is an art director at Live Happy.
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