Woman in a field of wildflowers

Appreciate the Beauty All Around You

As part of our special bi-monthly series on Character Strengths, we are highlight the 24 strengths (your best innermost qualities) outlined by the VIA Institute on Character, and discussing how to better apply them in your everyday life. To take the free survey and find our your own top strengths, click here. If you are quick to express wonder at the blueness of the sky or the curving architecture of a downtown building, or you notice the skill and the artistry of athletes at a sporting event and not just the numbers on the scoreboard, appreciation of beauty and excellence may be one of your prominent character strengths. People high in this strength realize that each moment is unique and try to savor every second. This appreciation will also make you more susceptible to positive emotions such as awe, wonder, admiration and elevation. You might notice awe and wonder when you are surrounded by nature or when you view a piece of art. Likewise, you feel admiration for an Olympic athlete shattering expectations and records with grace and precision. The least-known emotion, elevation, occurs when you witness kindness or bravery in action that leads to a warm feeling in your chest, positive tingling in your arms and the motivation to pay it forward. Research shows you can boost your appreciation of beauty and excellence, and in so doing, enhance your well-being. Try one of these strategies: Read more: The Science of Elevation and a Visit With Pope Francis 1. Build Wonder Look for beauty in the little things. Anyone can marvel at a striking sunset or a stunning mountain landscape, but challenge yourself to appreciate beauty in the little things: One leaf, swaying back and forth, as it falls from a tree; the light that fills a person’s eyes as they begin to smile; two people talking and connecting at a bus stop as you drive by. As we begin to appreciate these little things, we realize that life is a collection of tiny moments. We can see and experience them or we can miss them. 2. Build Awe and Admiration Place yourself in environments where you’re most likely to be filled with awe and admiration. For example, spend time regularly in nature, in art museums, at sporting events or volunteering. While there, allow yourself to fully appreciate the experience. 3. Build Elevation Rewatch a movie or TV show that you found especially inspiring because of the goodness of one or more of the characters. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of elevation as you observe people doing positive, strengths-based actions for others. Afterward, try to spread your own kindness and compassion. Read more about character strengths: 3 Ways to Find the Funny in Everyday Life RYAN M. NIEMIEC, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist, certified coach, author and Education Director of the VIA Institute on Character, in Cincinnati, Ohio. His latest book, Character Strengths Interventions: A Field-Guide for Practitioners, was released early this year. For more, visit viacharacter.org.
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Couple lying on grass with phones.

60 Seconds to Happiness

Vin called in during the taping of my new radio series, 60 Seconds to Happiness. His problem: He feels jealous each time he looks at his Instagram feed because staring back at him are pictures his girlfriend posts while she is out having fun and he is stuck at work. The pictures typically show her goofing off at a bar with her girlfriends, but sometimes also with guys whom Vin doesn’t know. Even though he trusts her, he feels a twinge in the pit of his stomach and doesn’t know what to do. My radio series promises to help people make 1-minute habit changes that will increase happiness. Interestingly, an overwhelming percentage of callers needed help with their social media habits, including feeling down after even just a few minutes on Facebook or spending more time online than they have to spare. I turned to the research for answers as our understanding of social media is changing so rapidly. Hundreds of studies assess our relationships with sites like Facebook and Snapchat and specifically which habits predict greater happiness both online and offline. A former University of Pennsylvania research colleague who is now a senior lecturer at the University of Melbourne, Margaret Kern, Ph.D., led a meta-analysis of the 70 best studies and found a handful of clear themes. I’ve included questions after each big idea and offer a strategy for you to try. 1. Social media is not a mood booster. Not one study found that significant use decreased depression and anxiety. For those battling depression and anxiety, which globally is 4.7 percent and 7.3 percent of people, respectively, turning to social media to feel better doesn’t work. Eight studies found that social media use is directly linked to depression, while 16 others found a nonsignificant connection. If you are feeling lousy, social media can expose you to experiences that make you feel even worse, such as negative news, cyberbullying or an overload from other people’s highlight reels. Ask yourself: When you’re feeling down, do you get on social media to try to make yourself feel better and does that work for you? If not, is there an offline activity that might be better, like going for a walk outside or calling a friend? Take a break: Get off social media for one week. Do it! It’s rejuvenating. Now that it’s summer, go out into the world and make memories. Take pictures. Experience life. The upside is that this will most likely give you more interesting, meaningful things to share with friends when you’re back online. Read more: Is Everyone Having Fun Without Me? 2. Social comparison is toxic. Whether you envy celebrities’ awesome lives or judge someone who gets fewer “likes” than you, social comparison creates real misery and false happiness. According to the meta-analysis, social comparison is a big risk factor for depression and anxiety. One study found that more frequent negative social comparisons on Facebook were connected to an increase in rumination. This makes sense since comparing ourselves to others can fan the flames of rumination. Ask yourself: Do you engage in social comparison? If so, is it often with the same people? Clean your feed: Hide people who post negative news so you can make social media a happier place. You can get your news elsewhere. And hide people whom you compare yourself to like celebrities or that always-perfect neighborhood mom. Stop torturing yourself! Let your feed bring you joy, not pain. Setting yourself up for success is a form of self-love. Listen to our podcast, Positive Communication With Michelle Gielan 3. Happy people connect. Using social media is associated with lower levels of loneliness and greater feelings of social connectedness, as well as higher levels of life satisfaction and self-esteem. This doesn’t necessarily mean that using social media makes you happier, but that people who have high levels of happiness and self-esteem also typically use social media as an additional form of connection. Social connection is one of the greatest predictors of happiness we have from our research, so the more we can create it, the better off that makes us. Ask yourself: Do you use social media to deepen friendships? Do you make meaningful comments on friends’ pictures and posts? Do you share pictures and posts instead of merely reading other people’s posts? Connect meaningfully: Use social media to meaningfully connect with your friends by sharing pieces of your life and thoughtfully responding to theirs. Liking everyone’s pictures in your feed doesn’t count. I’m trying to follow these guidelines, too. When I do log on, I try to make it count by making a point to really connect with people I care about. Read more: Let Technology Life Your Life Vin agreed to stay off social media those nights he was away from his girlfriend. He also told her how he felt. Her response was incredible. She replied that while she looked like she was having a blast, she also missed him. Just hearing that made him feel so much better. And guess how long he said the conversation took? You guessed it…just 60 seconds to happiness! Join me @MichelleGielan on social media, where I share happiness resources, including where to listen to our new radio series, 60 Seconds to Happiness! SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with more than 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and the author of the book Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.
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Queen Latifah

For Queen Latifah, Happiness Reigns Supreme

In 1992, Dana Owens—known to the world as Queen Latifah—had a top 10 single from her Nature of a Sista album and she’d won a part in acclaimed director Spike Lee’s movie Jungle Fever. She was 22 and had been famous since releasing her debut album All Hail the Queen three years earlier. But as the lights of stardom shined on her professional life, a phone call cast unimaginable darkness on her personal life. “Before I could get the ‘hello’ out, [my friend] said, ‘Your brother had an accident on his motorcycle.’ My heart dropped. I couldn’t think,” Queen recalls in her book Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman. She raced to the hospital where she met her mother. Together, the two women prayed that Queen’s older brother, Lancelot “Winki” Jr., a 24-year-old police officer, would survive the crash. But his injuries were too great. When the doctor came to the waiting room and told the family that Lancelot had died from his injuries, Queen says her “world evaporated.” She and Winki had been extremely close, sharing what she calls “a spiritual connection.” As the days passed and she tried to cope with her sorrow and shock, she was also left with the terrible knowledge that she had purchased the motorcycle that killed her brother. “I never imagined that bike, bought in love, would be the cause of Winki’s death,” Queen says in Ladies First. A Lesson From Heartbreak “That was a really tough one,” she says now, the heartbreak still palpable in her voice. “It rocked my life to the core.” Queen started smoking marijuana daily. She spent her days checking on her mother and shooting hoops at a park and spent her nights smoking and drinking until she passed out. It was by reconnecting with her first love of music that Queen tapped into the inner strength she’d forgotten was there. Pouring herself into her lyrics, Queen wrote and recorded her album Black Reign, which includes the track “Winki’s Theme,” dedicated to her brother. “I had to free my soul by releasing the pain through my music,” she explains in Ladies First. Queen also paid tribute to her brother on the open road. Not long after his death, she was back on her own motorcycle, riding in honor of her late sibling. Winki was there, too. Queen had had the key to his bike dipped in gold, and she wore it on a chain around her neck for years. “You can’t stay in those blue or dark places forever.” Queen speaks in her famously husky voice and chooses each word with care. “You have to find whatever inspiration works for you, but you can’t let yourself stay down all the time. Whatever your inspiration, you have to look for a reason to fight the good fight each and every day,” she says. It’s Queen’s fighting spirit and unwillingness to compromise her principles that have helped her move beyond tough times to win acclaim and a slew of awards in music, film and more—and to find a lasting sense of peace and joy. Finding Her Crown The loss of her brother taught Queen she had strength that could vanquish terrible despair. But the foundation for her courage in facing adversity was built years before that tragedy. As a young girl growing up in New Jersey, Queen’s parents, high school teacher Rita and police officer Lancelot (Lance) Owens Sr., taught her to not worry about fitting in. “My mother wanted us to define ourselves, rather than allow others to pin a label on us,” she says. Both parents focused on developing their children’s self-esteem, telling Queen and Winki they were capable of doing anything. Like any kid, though, Queen had growing pains. Concerns about being taller than most girls (and some boys) and what she calls “big-boned” left Queen lacking in self-confidence as a teen. As a result, she says in her book Put on Your Crown: Life-Changing Moments on the Path to Queendom, she “experimented with stuff that could have taken me right down into the gutter if I’d continued with it.” “Around 18 or so, I was making bad choices based on not loving myself so I decided to make a decision to either love [myself] or hate [myself]. I knew I needed to make some changes,” Queen says. “I literally looked in the mirror and kind of had that talk with myself. The one no one wants to have, but just about everyone needs at one point or another. “I decided I needed to love myself. But I also needed to truly believe that, own that, and make decisions based on that. I had to accept myself as I am.” That moment was a turning point for the entertainer. While her high school peers, after graduation, were setting their sights on jobs or college, Queen had other plans. Releasing her debut album All Hail the Queen in 1989, she became a rap star at age 19, using her nickname “Latifah” (which means “delicate and kind” in Arabic). By 21, Queen made her TV acting debut in the smash hit The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. In 1994, she would also win the Grammy for Best Rap Solo Performance for her song “U.N.I.T.Y.” With its lyrics that bashed the male rap culture for its sexism, she established herself as a powerful voice for women, one that has only grown stronger with the years. “I’ve lived a helluva life,” she says, chuckling. Never Stop Fighting Queen was picked to star on the sitcom Living Single in 1993, and during its five-year run, producers told her and other female castmates to slim down. She thought the idea was “ridiculous.” “We were supposed to reflect women in the real world,” says Queen of the show in Put on Your Crown. “So what sense would it make to viewers if we were all skinny?” When she did opt to lose some weight in 2002—the year she was nominated for an Academy Award for her role in the movie Chicago—she did it for her own reasons. “I wanted to feel better and have more energy.” Queen feels passionately that women need to love themselves for who they are and not for a perfect Hollywood ideal—so strongly, in fact, that she wrote not one but two books advising women on how to do so. To maintain both physical and emotional balance, Queen continues to rely on the same looking glass that helped her turn away from bad choices as a teen. “I constantly check in with myself and look in the mirror at who I am and how I want to manage my life. “I’m authentic with myself. I don’t lie to the person in the mirror because the more I feel and acknowledge and accept, the better,” she says. That honesty leads to feeling better about myself—the good and the not so good. It’s very peaceful and calming. “If I’m not eating right, I check in with myself to rein it back in and get back on track,” she continues. “If I break down and smoke, which is something that hooked me at a young age and [which] I’ve fought my whole life, I have to have a heart-to-heart with myself to gear up to go back into battle and fight that fight. No matter what the obstacle, I think it’s important to never stop fighting. I won’t give up.” Queen says she checks in with herself “emotionally, to make sure I feel strong on the inside, too. Because if I’m not at my strongest emotionally, things like unhealthy eating or smoking can creep back in. I’m no different than any woman today. When you wear a lot of hats and carry a lot around, you have to stop and check in on yourself.” Consistent introspection also promotes the gratitude Queen says is vital to her well-being. “Staying in a grateful place feeds my soul. I’m so thankful for my job and work that lets me not only survive but also provide for the people I hold so dear. I’m humbled by the gifts and opportunities I’ve been given. Reflecting on that fills me with such gratefulness. It lifts my spirits anytime I think about it.” Read more: The Joy of Being Dolly Parton Queen of Hearts In 2004, Queen’s mother, Rita Owens, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The news sent waves of shock and fear through her daughter. “It was terrifying to hear that because all you can think is ‘My mom’s gonna die,’ ” Queen says. Getting Rita on the right diet and medicine regimens calmed both mother and daughter. “It was empowering to be able to have these things to do,” Queen shares. “You feel like you can take back some control.” Subsequent health issues and complications have led to Rita’s requiring oxygen—and to Queen’s donning of another hat. “I’m a soldier for good health on a mission to help and save my mom,” says Queen, who lives part-time in Rita’s New Jersey home to share caregiving duties along with relatives and medical professionals. “Anything you see [me do] on TV and movies doesn’t exist without my mom. She’s done so much for us, I want to do anything I can to make her happy. “My mom’s sense of humor and ability to always say something ‘just right’ can change my whole attitude,” she says. “I’d say she’s my happiness role model, but honestly, my whole family continues to shape my positive outlook and attitude. “The love and support we have for one another is out of this world,” says Queen, who doesn’t restrict the definition of family to those who share her DNA. “My mom, cousins, best friends, and so on all rally around each other and pick each other up when it’s needed.” Queen calls her group of close friends her “posse”—and most of them date back to her teen years. “I’m fortunate to have people around who tell me the truth and celebrate a great job or smack my hand when I’ve done a bad one. That really helps keep me grounded,” Queen says. “Having people you love and who love you, people you can share a mutual honesty with, is really something.” Queen also credits her strong belief and faith in God with keeping her grounded and balanced. In 2015, Queen and her mom filmed public service announcements that share their family’s story and educate viewers about the symptoms and risks of heart failure. That same year, Queen played the title role in, and was one of the executive producers for, the HBO movie Bessie, about the singer Bessie Smith, for which she won both an Emmy and a Screen Actor’s Guild award. “[Bessie] was not afraid to be wrong or afraid to tell someone just like it is, and that’s a gift,” Queen told The New York Times. She may as well have been talking about herself. Read more: Ming-Na Wen, Agent of Change Queen’s Regal Grace Over the years, Queen Latifah has compiled an astonishing list of accomplishments and she shows no signs of stopping. This year she returns to TV as both actress and producer. Queen’s latest leading role is as the owner of a beauty salon who becomes a surrogate mother to a group of young girls on a quest to find success on the new Lee Daniels series Star on Fox. She is producing a Travel Channel series, The Best Place To Be,where stars divulge their favorite places to eat, drink, shop and sightsee. Anyone with a résumé like hers could easily develop a diva-sized attitude, but Queen never plays the snooty royal card. Indeed, her humility can be disarming. “There’s really no reason I should have done what I have,” she says. “I’m an African-American girl from Newark who doesn’t have the typical look for a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. “I have always been good at keeping it real with myself,” she says. “I know I’m not always perfect at doing the right things. My life is a work in progress, and I’m not going to create a lie about who I am.” Long live the Queen. Gina Roberts-Grey is an award-winning journalist who has written for Family Circle, Self and Essence among other publications.
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Two kids riding go-karts.

Your Summer Adventure Starts With Our July Issue

It’s that time of year when the neighborhood kids celebrate the last day of school by heading to the pool, making those of us still tied to our day jobs antsy for some fun and adventure. Haven’t started planning yet? Not to worry, Live Happy has you covered with our July issue, on newsstands today, with at least 51 ways to live it up this summer and a featured cover story on comedian Jim Gaffigan. Awash in toys and gearing up for Father’s Day, Jim shares his two missions in life: empowering his five kids to chase their dreams while following his own path to happiness on- and off-stage. Read what happened behind the scenes at our photo shoot. “Jim Gaffigan embodies the theme of this issue because he shares in this zest for adventure when it comes to his family and being onstage,” says Deborah K. Heisz, Live Happy editorial director, CEO and co-founder. “I’m especially inspired by his decision to tour internationally with his family so they can experience new cultures together.” While a world comedy tour isn’t in the cards for most of us, a fun-filled summer day can be as close as 10 minutes away. Our feature, “Well-Being Is a Walk in the Park,” notes that exercising outdoors is strongly associated with positive mental health. Not only that, but neighborhoods with parks report increased interaction among residents, which adds to stronger bonds and life satisfaction. If you’re ready to go all in, consider booking a stay at an adult sleep-away camp. In “Happy Campers,” read about the trend of new adult summer camps where adults have the chance to relax, enjoy nature and have a truly transformative experience. Find our top 20 picks in this resource guide. Other highlights include: Embracing Awe—Once seen as a “luxury handbag of emotions,” the experience of “awe” is now proving its significance to researchers and offers multiple benefits for the mind, body and spirit. Learn more about the science and explore its pathway to well-being in your life. Wonder Bound—Read about five awe-inspiring destinations, ranging from far corners of the world to hidden gems not far from your backyard, to make your travel dreams a reality. Hanging in the Outdoors—Looking for an outdoor adventure but don’t know where to start? Check out our fun camping and travel products—including a double sleeping bag and a water bike—before you hit the road. Pick up a copy of Live Happy today and send us a photo of you enjoying your summer adventure with #livehappy as your guide. Tag us @livehappy on Twitter or @mylivehappy on Instagram or email editor@livehappy.com.
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No Time Like the Present with Jack Kornfield

What you'll learn in this podcast: How to be more mindful in the present The benefits of meditation to your overall well-being How to reset and find your center Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Purchase a copy of No Time Like the Present: Finding Freedom, Love, and Joy Right Where You Are Learn more about Jack Kornfield
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Tech columnist Amy Blankson

Amy Blankson

Amy Blankson, the “tech-and-happiness” columnist for Live Happy, is on a quest to help people balance productivity and well-being in the digital era. With her brother Shawn Achor, Amy co-founded GoodThink, which brings the principles of positive psychology to lifeand consults with organizations such as Google, NASA and the U.S. Army. Amy has written for many publicationsand is the author of the children’s book Ripple’s Effect and The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-Being in the Digital Era.
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Woman looking at her tablet at home.

The Internet of Things Brings the Future Home

When I was in middle school, my parents were both working full time. So after school, my brother and I would walk home and let ourselves into the house. Plopping down our school bags, we would grab a snack, find a seat on the couch, and, of course, turn on the TV. All of this had to happen quickly, though, because at 4 p.m., The Jetsons came on. We knew every episode by heart, but that didn’t stop us from watching them again and again. We were fascinated by the cartoon vision of the future. What I didn’t know back then was that today’s political, social and business leaders were also watching The Jetsons at home on repeat, shaping a collective vision for the future. The original Jetsons series aired in the 1962-63 season, during the Cold War and shortly after the founding of NASA in 1958. Americans seemed equally optimistic and terrified about the future, giving rise to what came to be called the Golden Age of American Futurism. It was a time filled with artistic renderings of techno-utopian dreams of life in the future. The future looked bright Danny Graydon, the London-based author of the The Jetsons: The Official Guide to the Cartoon Classic, explains: “It [The Jetsons] coincided with this period of American history when there was a renewed hope—the beginning of the ’60s, sort of pre-Vietnam, when Kennedy was in power. So there was something very attractive about the nuclear family with good honest values thriving well into the future. I think that chimed with the zeitgeist of the American culture of the time.” Two decades later, The Jetsons was rebooted, exposing a whole new generation (including me) to the visions of the not-so-distant future. Amazingly, The Jetsons and other futuristic musings from that time accurately predicted many technologies we know today, including flat-screen TVs, video calls, interactive news, talking alarm clocks and even watches that served as phones (hello, Dick Tracy). Fifty years later, when the present seems to have caught up with the once-imagined future, we are left to wonder: What comes next? “The future” has become the topic of 2017, with TED conferences and Wired magazine articles devoted to the latest trends and futuristic projections. The Internet of Things connects our lives The “Internet of Things,” which is how people describe the interconnection between your [smart] phone, car, home (heating systems, alarm, door locks, sound system), baby monitor, garage door opener, and pretty much anything electric is predicted to seamlessly integrate our digital and physical worlds. It will link everything together over Wi-Fi to become part of this crazy network that drives our lives. The idea behind this shift is that by automating and aggregating tasks and information in our environment, we can increase safety, save energy, reduce anxiety and increase happiness. Here are a few of the smart technologies available on the market now: Apple’s new Home app boasts the ability for users to “control a Fantasia-like orchestra of smartgadgetsfrom one place, including everything fromsmart doorbells and locks, to thermostats, light bulbs, humidifiers and entertainment systems.” Did you forget to lock your door when you left home? Don’t worry, your smart home profile will lock the door when you leave, turn off extra lights, and perhaps even adjust your thermostat to save on energy costs. The Ring Video Doorbell lets you see and talk remotely when someone comes to your door. KidsWifi helps you monitor and control what your kids see online, and when—as well as what content their friends bring into your home. Certainly, smart homes sound nice and helpful, but at the end of the day what I really want is a smart and happy home. The truth is that technology is just a tool designed to facilitate happiness. It can help us automate tasks so that we have more quality time, but it can also distract (and frustrate) us if we are not thoughtful about how we use it. While the Internet of Things is ushering in a new era of home automation technologies, it’s important to remember that the happiest places are ones that are connected not with physical wires but with deep personal and emotional circuitry. The happiest homes in the past, present and future are those connected primarily with conversation, quality time, shared dreams and memories. Listen to our podcast: The Future of Happiness With Amy Blankson Read more from Amy: Let Technology Lift Your Life and 5 Tips for Digital Decluttering Amy Blankson, aka the ‘Happy Tech Girl,’ is on a quest to help individuals balance productivity and well-being in the digital era. Amy, with her brother Shawn Achor, co-founded GoodThink, which brings the principles of positive psychology to lifeand works with organizations such as Google, NASA and the U.S. Army. Her new book is called The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-being in the Digital Era.
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Live Happy's Ideas to Recharge on Mother's Day

7 Ways to Recharge This Mother’s Day

Being a mom is truly an incredible, life-changing experience. It is also a job—one that requires a wide variety of skills. At different times, we moms are required to be doctors, teachers, mediators, chefs, bookkeepers, housekeepers, costume designers, make-up artists, jugglers and more! We need to deal with what's happening in the moment while also planning for the future. We meet many of the wants and needs of our partners, friends and even our community. On top of all that, many of us have to earn an income or even support our families. While many women might feel like they might buckle under the pressure, most of us just say we’ve “got it” and do all we can to take care of what comes with the job. Some of us get so consumed by the demands of our children and families that we are left exhausted and even depleted. In my role as a therapist, I have spoken to many mothers who tell me they are so busy focusing on everyone else that they have forgotten their own needs. Take care of yourself, too This Mother’s Day, why not give yourself a gift, and choose this celebratory moment to commit to taking better care of yourself? I have suggested this idea to a few moms I know, and while many welcomed the idea, I’ve also gotten looks of concern and resistance. Some women feel a sense of obligation or guilt when it comes to taking care of their families, almost as if self-sacrifice is part of the job description once we become mothers. While I do believe it is normal for mothers to make sacrifices, I also think it’s imperative we realize there is a line between sacrifice and suffering. Sadly, many moms I talk to are suffering because they are not getting their needs met. This is not healthy, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of when it comes to practicing self-care. Replenish your energy There is a big difference between self-care and selfishness. Self-care involves taking moments to assess how you're doing and engaging in practices that nurture your emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual well-being. Taking time to replenish your energy does not mean you have “excessive or exclusive concern with oneself,” which is how Merriam-Webster’s defines selfishness. Being a mother means putting others’ needs ahead of your own—most of the time. We are so busy taking care of kids that we forget to properly take care of ourselves. Here are some tips to help recharge your energy before you burn out or reach an emotional low-point: 1. Keep something in the tank When the mother suffers, the children suffer. If we are depleted, we have little or nothing left to give. Keep this in mind when you think about self-care. 2. Put it on the calendar Schedule “mommy time” on your  to-do list. Bubble baths, long walks, dinner out with mom friends (don't only talk about the kids at these!) are all great ways to recharge. If we don't plan for fun and relaxation, it may not happen. 3. Phone a friend Build a support system that can cover you when you are in a jam. We all need friends who can pick up the kids, loan a cup of sugar, help with a project, etc., when we are in a bind. 4. Find fun Domestic life can feel routine. Remember what activities you enjoyed as a kid. Find times to laugh with friends as well as your family. It relieves stress and lifts your mood. 5. Draw the line Establish healthy boundaries. Set limits on your time; create rules for the family to follow that will make your life easier; learn to say no. 6. Mom is not your doormat (chauffeur, chef, maid, etc.) If people see that they can take advantage of you with no repercussions, they will. If your family knows you will stay up all night to finish their last-minute projects, they will think nothing of handing you their night-before homework the next time. 7. Be well Develop healthy physical and emotional habits. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat healthy food and make time to exercise. Monitor your emotional and spiritual self on a regular basis, and deal with negative feelings as they arise. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.
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A winning college baseball team.

How to Win Like an Underdog

Until June 30, 2016, Coastal Carolina University had never won a national championship in any sport. That all changed in Game 3 of the College World Series at Omaha’s TD Ameritrade Park. In the bottom of the ninth inning, pitcher Alex Cunningham struck out Arizona’s Ryan Haug—securing the title win for the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers and giving the first-time College World Series participants the chance to raise the coveted trophy. “I completely blacked out for a solid two-and-a-half minutes,” Alex says. “I saw myself on the interview, and I don’t even remember taking that interview.” His excitement is understandable, especially when you consider that no College World Series team had won the title in its first appearance in the finals in 60 years. “From the day we walked in there, we were kinda playing with house money,” says Gary Gilmore, Chanticleers head coach. “There weren’t a whole lot of expectations by all of the prognosticators—we were big-time underdogs in that whole deal.” Yet Gary and his coaching staff focused on factors outside of others’ expectations. “There are so many things that we can’t control,” Gary says. “The things we can, we want to be in complete control of: things like our preparation, how we do things to get ready for the game—things as simple as what time we go to bed at night. We don’t let the situation become bigger than life to us.” Take the pressure off One way the team maintained focus was simply by relaxing. “I don’t think anyone on our team felt pressure,” Gary says. A big reason for that: Gary discovered a newfound calmness in his coaching career last year, a trait he says came over him once he started reading the Bible every day. “I think the calmer I was, the calmer the team was,” Gary says. “There were several times in the playoffs when we did dumb things, and maybe five or 10 years ago, I would have come in the dugout and slung a helmet, let out some profanity and blown off steam. This time, I’d say, ‘Hey guys, not a problem. We’ll get them the next inning.’ ” After a hard loss in Game 1, Gary remembers praying for the right words to say to his crew. He walked into the locker room and started clapping in front of his bewildered team. “I told them that I was in the locker room of a national champion, and here’s what we’re going to do for the next two days.” Gary relayed who would pitch, who would relieve and what kind of success they were going to have. “I knew I had to make them believe that we could do it. We had lost, but we weren’t out.” And believing, it turns out, made all the difference. “Talent is on a piece of paper,” Gary explains. “We weren’t the most talented team there, but we played the best. I’ve coached one or two other teams that on paper had significantly more talent. And yet this team found a way to make it work.” Root, root, root for the underdog It’s no secret that most people love to pull for the underdog. Countless studies have backed up this phenomenon, including one published in 2007 in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. When 71 participants were asked which imaginary team—one ranked higher than the other—they hoped would prevail in an Olympic swimming event, 75 percent said they preferred to see the lower-ranked team win. “People love to be awed and inspired,” says Caroline Miller, a certified professional coach and author of Creating Your Best Life and Getting Grit. “It’s built into our DNA.” She says the inspiration we feel when we see people outperform themselves causes us to release oxytocin, frequently referred to as the “love hormone”—which makes it easy to see why we get so attached to underdogs. This affinity for the “little guy” extends beyond sports. Southwest Airlines, Apple and even political candidates have gained notoriety and loyal followings due to underdog status. That makes you wonder: What if we could tap into the mindset of underdogs? What enables them to overcome the odds, and how can it be developed? In his 2013 book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, Malcolm Gladwell explains how we often overlook the advantages that go along with being an underdog. He writes: “It can open doors and create opportunities and educate and enlighten and make possible what might otherwise have seemed unthinkable.” How sweet it is It turns out, we can learn a lot from all types of underdogs—whether we’re talking about a College World Series team or two self-described “hippiedippy” 20-somethings with a love of ice cream and breaking the rules. Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield met while running track in seventh grade gym class, the two slowest of the pack—quite fitting for the duo, as their underdog status would follow them into adulthood and eventually be their claim to fame. By the mid-1970s, Jerry had tried unsuccessfully to get into medical school, while Ben had dropped out of college and attempted to become a potter—only no one wanted to buy his pottery. The solution: They liked hanging out, and they liked eating, so they decided to go into the food business together. Their two favorite foods were ice cream and bagels, and since the machinery required for bagel-making came with a much heftier price tag than that of ice cream, the decision was simple. At war with a behemoth In 1978, Ben & Jerry’s first scoop shop opened in Burlington, Vermont, and beloved flavors like Chunky Monkey were born. As their local popularity began to grow, the pair began to package their ice cream into pint containers and sell it to restaurants and mom-and-pop shops. By the early 1980s, they had set their sights on their first major market: Boston. As they approached store owners there, they learned that business representatives from Haagen-Dazs—which sold to the same supermarkets—had issued an ultimatum to store owners: If they agreed to sell Ben and Jerry’s product, then they would not sell them Haagen-Dazs, a major moneymaker for the distributors. Ben and Jerry filed a class action lawsuit against Pillsbury, Haagen-Dazs’ parent company, but drawn-out legal battles weren’t a viable option for the small company. They knew they would run out of financial resources before the more established business. So what’s an underdog to do? “Ben and I learned to use every tool possible as underdogs, and the biggest resource we had was people,” Jerry says. “We didn’t have money. We didn’t have size to leverage. We had the opportunity to use our people to make a difference.” And so they got creative. The company launched the storied “What’s the Doughboy Afraid of?” campaign, taking out signs on buses, designing T-shirts and including an 800-number on the product packaging. Customers who called were treated to an answering machine message of the co-founders explaining the situation. If they left their address, a campaign bumper sticker was mailed to them. Taking their underdog cause to the streets ignited a passionate following, and Pillsbury soon backed down due to public pressure. These days, Ben & Jerry’s, which became a Unilever subsidiary in 2000, operates some 600 scoop shops in 35 countries. The company maintains an independent board of directors to “ensure we’re making the best ice cream possible in the best way possible,” as stated on benjerry.com. “There’s a curiosity that helps when we’re in that underdog mindset,” explains Michelle McQuaid, best-selling author and workplace well-being teacher. “It goes hand-in-hand with the strength of creativity and being willing to try new ways of doing things, rather than accepting that there’s only one path to success.” Also key to an underdog’s success is maintaining that mindset even after finding success. “In terms of what we spend on marketing and sales, there hasn’t been a significant change from when we were a small underdog business,” says Sean Greenwood, the “grand poobah” of public relations for Ben & Jerry’s and a nearly 30-year employee. “That forces us to be creative and keeps pushing us to use that underdog mindset in the marketplace.” Ben and Jerry didn’t fit the mold of your typical businessmen when they launched their ice cream business nearly 40 years ago—and it has made all the difference. “Embrace who you are and make that your strength,” Jerry says. “We wanted to be ice cream ‘for the people,’ and not an elegant treat just for some. Hold on to your beliefs. If you don’t like the way the model is, then think about changing the model to fit who you are.” A growth mindset Everyone has had moments of success—those times when we’ve pulled something off that we’ve been working really hard toward. Our brain is flooded with happy endorphins, and we never want the feeling to end. What we probably don’t realize, though, is that the high we gain from continued wins can be incredibly addictive. An interesting thing happens when we become accustomed to success. “Neurologically, it changes some things in our brain,” Michelle says. “We start to attach our success to our sense of identity. Then we can begin to fear if we’re not the winner, who does that mean we are?” That’s where underdogs have the upper hand, since they’re not burdened with that addiction to success. “The underdog mindset takes the pressure down,” Michelle says. “It changes the way our brains are working chemically, and it opens us up for learning and growth.” Taking the focus off winning and instead turning our attention toward learning and development is what psychologists call having a growth mindset—a key ingredient to an underdog’s success. Underdogs try harder Louisa Jewell, a well-being teacher and founder of the Canadian Positive Psychology Association, says this kind of thinking actually feeds winning behavior. “When you’re an underdog with a growth mindset, you think ‘I don’t have it yet. If I work harder, if I practice more, if I persevere in the face of obstacles, I can get better.’ ” A fixed mindset, on the other hand, leads people to believe they either have it or they don’t—not leaving much room for improvement. “When we have a fixed mindset around our talents, then it doesn’t really propel us into action,” Louisa says. “It doesn’t really motivate us toward behaviors that allow us to work harder and believe that we could one day be the winner.” Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck, Ph.D., is a leading researcher on growth mindset. In her research, she discovered that high achievers without a growth mindset eventually plateau and achieve less than they’re capable of because the anxiety tied to their previous successes becomes overwhelming, leading them to stop taking risks. Those with a growth mindset, however, go on to achieve high levels of success in all areas of their lives since they understand that it’s best to keep learning and growing. “It’s not that we don’t love a good outcome when we’re in a growth mindset,” Michelle explains. “We just prioritize the learning over the outcome. The funny thing is, the less we attach to the outcome, the more likely we usually are to get the desired outcome.” According to Caroline, people are often further motivated when they don’t quite get to the finish line the first time around—a concept researchers refer to as the psychology of the near miss, which is a type of failure that comes close to being a success. Take Alex, who before throwing the winning pitch in the 2016 College World Series had lost his high school state championship game three years in a row. “That definitely lit a fire in me that hadn’t gone away until that final pitch of the World Series,” Alex says. Like Alex, those who have authentic grit—another ingredient to an underdog’s success—will be inspired to come back and work harder. Caroline describes authentic grit as the passionate pursuit of hard goals that allows us to take responsible risks and promotes flourishing. “There’s a modicum of failure in everything that we try to achieve,” Gary says. “If you stay with it, every time you get knocked down gives you that much more resilience to come back and fight twice as hard.” Underdogs—and anyone striving for their goals—must also have a strong support system, Gary says. “All of us fail at really anything we try to do in life the majority of the time. We’ve got to have help from above, great friends and great family there to support us.” Don't worry, be happy Studies show us that for athletes to perform at their best, it helps for them to have fun and play in a carefree way. “Carefree doesn’t mean careless or caring less,” says Mike Margolies, chief operating officer of Mental Training Inc. and author of The Athlete Within You. “It means you’re focused on being present.” Think about it this way: Top dogs are usually in a no-win situation. If they win, that was expected. If they don’t, it’s a huge upset. Those in the favored position are under more pressure so they don’t always perform at their best—an advantage to the underdog. “An underdog’s confidence will start to rise because their expectations are pretty low,” Mike explains. “That means they’re going to play at a higher level because they can play carefree.” Winning for the underdog is a bonus, since they don’t face the same scrutiny as the top dog. “It was easy for us to play with confidence because we didn’t have that bar already set for us,” Alex says. “We were just having the time of our lives. There were no expectations to live up to.” Don't forget your 'why' The benefits of having fun aren’t limited to sports. In 1979, one year after being in business, Ben & Jerry’s developed two company philosophies: one focused on giving back to the community, and the second being, “If it’s not fun, why do it?” This importance on having fun is still a huge part of the company’s DNA, but the philosophy was phrased as a question on purpose. The co-founders say there were times with their startup business when 80-hour workweeks were the norm and fun wasn’t always on the agenda. The key is to know why you’re doing it. “You have to have a sense of passion,” Michelle says. “It’s really hard to persist as an underdog if what we’re chasing isn’t meaningful to us, because otherwise falling down just gets too painful for most of us.” Whether it’s launching a business, winning a sports title or achieving the countless other goals that lie within us, we’ve all probably felt at one point like insurmountable odds might get in the way. Luckily, lessons learned from successful underdogs can help guide us on our own paths to success. “If you’re going to be elite, every now and then you’re going to have to be an underdog,” Caroline says. “If you’re an underdog, it means you’re definitely not guaranteed a win—you’re shooting for the moon. Everyone should learn how to do that.” Amanda Gleason writes regularly for Live Happy magazine. Check out her other stories The Birthday Party Project Gives Homeless Kids a Day to Sparkle and Make-a-Wish: Where Science and Hope Meet.
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Live Happy Phone Snubber

Are You a Phone Snubber?

It’s annoying, and we’re both guilty of it. It’s one of the prime ways we—as married happiness researchers—make each other supremely unhappy. See if you can guess what’s going on here: One of us: “Honey, I was thinking tonight maybe we take Leo to dinner at that sushi restaurant. What do you think?” The other: “Huh?” (Silence). (More silence). “You done?” “Yes.” “Honey, I was thinking tonight maybe we take Leo to dinner at that sushi restaurant. What do you think?” “Sounds great.” If you haven’t already guessed, the conversation stopper was a smartphone. While it makes coordinating child care and running our research projects together easier, at times it has also made us feel incredibly disconnected from one another. Checking it when we should be checking in with each other can send signals to our partner whom we love dearly that they are not a priority. Whether it’s looking at the latest scores for fantasy football (Shawn) or lurking the halls of Facebook to get glimpses of friends’ baby pics (Michelle)—those moments when our partner feels we’ve chosen our smartphone over them can damage our relationship. Phone + snubbing = phubbing Researchers have recently given this bad behavior a name: Phubbing (phone + snubbing). Phubbing happens when one person checks a phone, in essence snubbing their partner, when they are supposed to be hanging out together. A study by Brandon McDaniel and Sarah Coyne published in the Psychology of Popular Media Culture found that of the women surveyed who were in a romantic relationship, 62 percent of them said phubbing happened to them daily. As many as 1 in 3 said their partner pulled out the phone during meals together, and 25 percent said their loved one sent text messages or emails to other people while they were having a face-to-face conversation. Phubbing is a natural consequence of an addictive national pastime that has only become more prevalent. The Mobile Mindset Study conducted by mobile security company Lookout found that three out of five smartphone users in the U.S. don’t go more than an hour without checking their phones. Another study found that the average American checks his or her phone every six to seven minutes. I guess we’ve just replaced the famous seven-minute conversation lull with a quick scan of social media to fill the void. Break the phone addiction The fallout of these tiny choices in our relationships is real—often leaving the other person feeling insecure that they are boring or frustrated that they are not getting the attention they want. In the study published in the Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 70 percent of participants said that phubbing harmed their ability to interact with their romantic partners. Marriage and relationship researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., has found that couples with flourishing relationships have a positivity ratio of 5:1, and that a negative event (like being phubbed by your partner, for instance) necessitates five positive interactions to balance it out. Better not to phub in the first place! We decided to turn to our resident expert on technology and happiness, our colleague and Shawn’s sister Amy Blankson, author of the brilliant new book The Future of Happiness, in which she looks at how to leverage technology to be happier in life. She put away her phone, looked us in the eyes, and gave us her advice on concrete action steps to have a positive relationship with our phones and each other. Here is what we learned: 1. Establish tech-free times Pick the times of day when everyone has the highest chances of connecting in person, like car rides or dinner times, and make sure the phones are stashed. For us, the most fun time of the day with our 3-year-old son, Leo, is the morning. Therefore, we’ve made it a rule that he can’t watch any videos before naptime, and we put our phones away, too. This simple shift has significantly increased the number of meaningful moments between the three of us. 2. Ring in the good times Give the babysitter a special ringtone so you don’t have to check every call. Create a sacred space for date nights by getting the phones off the table. A study from the University of Essex found that having a smartphone on the table during a face-to-face conversation reduces feelings of closeness, trust and relationship quality. Use your phone’s ringtones and notifications to your advantage. 3. Tuck it in Don’t bring your phone to bed with you. Tuck it into its own recharging station away from the bedroom. At the launch of our partner Arianna Huffington’s new well-being company Thrive Global, she unveiled the Phone Bed Charging Station, which is a mini bed, complete with satin sheets and a built-in charger. It’s the perfect size for your smartphone. Arianna suggests putting it in the kitchen or living room and buying an old-fashioned alarm clock for the bedroom. For us, being more conscious of our often unconscious behavior of checking our phones is still a work in progress—but paying attention to it has made all the difference. That and the fact that football is not in full swing this time of year! For more on Amy’s new book, see her interview on page 94 in Live Happy magazine. And, for a great way to use technology to start your day right, join us for our (free) Wake Up & Inspire Happiness Video Workshop at broadcastinghappiness.com/happiness. Read more: Let Technology Lift Your Life Listen to our podcast on tech and well-being: The Future of Happiness With Amy Blankson SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with more than 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and the author of the book Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.
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