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We’ve all been there, some even call it the witching hour. You find yourself eyes half open where it’s too early to start the day, but seems too late to fall back asleep. My clients often report that they wake up and immediately their mind is spinning; thoughts on what they need to do during the day, replaying events from the day before, even reaching for their phones to start checking emails and Instagram (because hey, someone I follow is on another time zone, and they are already having midday snack). Unfortunately, this sort of environment in the mind becomes a battle between an exhausted, and not fully awake mind that just wants to get going against cognitive efforts to convince yourself to fall asleep. “I need to get to sleep; I have a big meeting in the morning.” “If I don’t fall asleep now, I won’t get to work on time.” Or even worse, getting up two hours before rise time and finding yourself napping at your desk by 10 a.m. Sleeping is one of those underrated things that people loosely use to explain away their everyday problems. “I’m exhausted, I didn’t sleep well.” “My child had a fever, and we were both up all night.” “Once I have some coffee I’ll wake up.” Do this sound familiar? Sleep deprivation is a national epidemic. The NHTSA says it’s responsible for 72,000 crashes on the road every year, poor testing scores in children, a lot of the mood disorders people experience and it’s been attributed to some physiological disease processes as well. Sleep is the time when our body repairs itself, cheating yourself of those extra two hours in the morning is what contributes to lack of focus at work, short tempers and less productivity. Here are some strategies that will calm the mind enough to allow you to doze back to dream land. 1. Without turning on any lights, roll to your right side (consult a physician if you are pregnant or have known heart issues). When we roll to our right side (our heart side) we relieve pressure, which allows our blood pressure to reach homeostasis. 2. Without opening your eyes, try lifting your eyebrows. Some would also say gaze up to the spot in between your eyes (known as your third eye). This action will naturally allow any tension you are holding in your face to calm. Also, notice if you are holding your jaw tight during this time, relax it. Conversely you can tighten all the muscles in your face and then relax them. 3. Create a mantra you will use such as: “this thought is not welcome now; I invite it back in the morning.” While laying on your right side, with your face relaxed, take a deep breath in through the nose, letting your belly expand, and hold it slightly, then release it back through your nose. This is where the mind loves to take off. Insert your mantra here. 4. If you struggle to let go of thought because you are afraid you will need it tomorrow, keep a note pad and pen by the bed and jot it down. Make sure that you follow all of the above, low lights, and once you are ready to reset, lights out. 5. Do not be tempted by electronics (keep them in another room if needed). Reaching for your phone, flipping on the TV or grabbing your iPad is inserting blue light into the already complicated brain matter. The mind responds to this blue light as if it were day, ultimately throwing off your circadian rhythm which is how we get stuck in the 4am wake-up call day after day. 6. Do not get up. Making herbal tea might seem like a nice idea but once we stand up, physiological changes happen in our body. Our parasympathetic nervous system (whose job is to work when we rest, by conserving energy, slowing the heart rate, regulating a slightly lower body temperature, increasing intestinal and gland activity, and relaxing the sphincter muscles in the gastrointestinal tract) says, “time to shut off.” Then, our physical body switches over to non-resting mode, notably a faster heart rate, a higher body temperature and alertness. Remember, nothing that has come to you during the precious time of rest is more important than getting your rest so you can be as effective as possible during your day. If you can cognitively believe that this time of sleep is as important (if not more important) that anything else you do in your day, then you can consider sleep an important job, just like any other job you do. And you work hard, so you owe it to yourself to get your rest.

I always say the best relationships are grounded in making our partner’s happiness and well-being equal to our own. What I mean is that each partner needs to strike a balance between what’s best for the relationship and what’s best for themselves. This delicate balancing act isn’t about ignoring our own desires, stifling our emotions or even making the other person our sole priority. Rather, just as you’re mindful of your feelings and desires, you should do the same for your partner’s. I call this “partner mindfulness,” and it involves nonjudgmental focus and awareness of your partner’s wants and needs, both in the moments you’re together and while you’re apart. Case in point: I recently spoke with a client about working on partner mindfulness, and her initial response was, “He does him and I do me, and I honestly don’t know if either of us can go back to the days of putting each other first.” I told her, “I’m not looking for you to put him first, just tied for first some of the time.” Partner mindfulness makes it easier to achieve this desired state of being in a relationship. Mindfulness, in its most basic form, is a skill we all exercise when addressing the needs and wants of our children, friends and co-workers, yet many of us put those tools away when it comes to our partners—especially during times of conflict and stress. When we practice partner mindfulness, though, we’re stepping outside our own thoughts and into our partner’s, allowing us to empathize and feel what it’s like to be in his or her shoes. It helps build bridges that will increase our connection and intimacy, lower stress, lessen conflict and increase our overall happiness. In short, it makes our partner feel heard, prioritized and nurtured. Now, I know life gets busy and most of us are juggling responsibilities and feeling pulled in many directions. The last thing you need is one more “to do” on your list, but hear me out. Here are nine quick, easy ways to practice partner mindfulness that you can integrate into your life every day: 1. Be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship. Assess your connection with your partner and ask yourself how attentive you are to each other’s wants and needs. 2. Commit to improving. Take it upon yourself to put in the extra effort and work on developing a stronger bond. 3. Narrow your focus. Clear your own thoughts and feelings and take a few moments to think exclusively about your partner, how he or she might be feeling, what his or her perspective is, and what he or she might want or need. For example, if your partner had a tough day and comes home in a bad mood, instead of thinking about how his or her irritability is affecting you, consider how your partner is feeling and how stressful it is to have a bad day that you can’t shake. 4. Make bookend connections.Make it a point to connect when you wake up in the morning and right before you go to sleep. Say goodbye when you part ways and hello when you return home. The simple act of giving your partner a hug or a kiss hello and goodbye allows you to focus on each other and your relationship for a moment. 5. Let your partner know what you appreciate about him or her. Take the time to acknowledge the good. 6. Be compassionate. If your partner is in a bad mood or is having a tough time connecting with you, approach him or her with compassion and understanding instead of disappointment or frustration. 7. Respond, DON’T REACT.Pause, think about how you want to respond and then put effort into interacting in a thoughtful, kind and loving way, even if you’re upset. 8. Focus on communication. Be aware of the messages, both verbal and nonverbal, you’re sending and make sure you’re mindful of your partner’s feelings. 9. Strike a balance. Assess your partner’s wants and needs. Try to behave in ways that take both of your feelings into account. When you’re feeling ignored or dissatisfied, it may seem unfair or even annoying to be the person who instigates this type of change and to be the one who demonstrates more sensitivity to your partner and your relationship. Relationships require ongoing work and effort to be rewarding and fulfilling, though. And when you make the commitment to motivate and influence each other, as an added bonus, your children will witness their parents being great role models and learn skills for successful relationships. So I encourage you to take the first step. As Gandhi says, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.” (This article originally appeared in the August 2015 issue of Live Happy magazine.)