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Theo Rossi Has a Lot on His Plate

Actor and producer Theo Rossi has turned altruism into an art form. Here’s a guy best known for his rich, haunting portrayal of Juan Carlos “Juice” Ortiz on the long-running FX series Sons of Anarchy (SOA)—an envelope-pusher to be sure—but strip away a few layers of the man and you find a bona fide catalyst of change. That’s because at his core, Theo is both a loyal family man and a philanthropic renegade backing a throng of humanitarian causes. It’s hard not to be inspired by his ties to health organizations, military causes or his Staten Island, New York, roots. “New York City is an incredible place to grow up,” Theo says. “You see a lot of everything. At a very young age, my family taught me to give of myself. If somebody needed something, I was always the first one there.” Raised predominantly by strong women—his mother, grandmother and older sister—he says his Uncle Kenny became a significant influence during his teen years in lieu of his distant father. “It wasn’t a big family,” Theo adds, however, “every one of them had one thing in common, which was: ‘Be the best you can to people and do as much as you can.’ And it was never about us. It was always about other people. “My family always reminded me of how short life is. That’s why I think I am trying to do so many things. Because it was always a constant reminder that we’re not here that long at all.” Philanthropist rising Clearly, Theo’s upbringing fueled some of his charitable passions, and his acting career led to even more. SOA debuted in 2008 and ran for seven seasons until 2014. “We premiered the same night that John McCain announced that Sarah Palin was going to be his running mate,” Theo muses. “Nobody watched the show. I thought, ‘OK, this will be on for one season.’ ” But it was during the show’s sophomore season when things shifted dramatically. Poet-activist and former SOA co-star Henry Rollins encouraged Theo to consider doing a USO tour. His initial response: “Wow!” And then…“What?” Theo is a big fan of the men and women of the U.S. armed forces, but he pointed out to Henry that “nobody knows about this show.” Henry just laughed and informed Theo that SOA was actually the No. 1 show in the military. “The next thing I know, me and three other cast members were on a plane heading to Iraq,” Theo says about that USO tour. Like a kid relaying escapades of a whirlwind adventure, he gushes that hanging out with the troops was completely life-changing. “They may have thought it was for them, but I got so hooked. From that moment on, I thought, no matter what, I am going to do whatever I can to support the military.” And that’s when Boot Campaign came knocking. Sole to soul The Texas-based charitable organization began as a photo project launched by four women and quickly grew into a more proactive way to show and promote patriotism. It funnels the retail sales of combat boots, merchandise, sponsored events, public donations and corporate sponsorships to support, among others, three key programs: Awareness, patriotism and assistance. The awareness program recruits ambassadors—like Theo—to educate the public about service members’ issues and triumphs. The patriotism program encourages people to wear combat boots—both as a fashion statement and symbol of support for the military and their families. And the assistance arm includes the ReBOOT campaign, where donations directly connect veterans with the help they need in dealing with PTSD, depression and other transitional issues they face after combat. “Boot Campaign wanted to shoot the entire cast in combat boots, and sometime afterward, we started forming all these ideas,” Theo says. “One of them was a Boot Ride every year with the guys from the show.” That outing offered fans a chance to spend a day riding motorcycles with SOA cast members, raising money for service members in the process. “We wanted to raise a ton of money and give it back to the men and women in the military because when they come home from their tours, that’s really when a whole other ‘fight’ begins,” Theo explains. “You have to get acclimated to your spouse again, and get jobs, and then there’s therapy involved. The suicide rate of our veterans is staggering. And what these people are doing—their families are moving constantly; these guys are going to Iraq and Afghanistan, not asking any questions. They’re just going and sacrificing themselves, leaving their families, their kids.” Since Theo’s initial involvement with Boot Campaign, he has visited most major military bases in the country. But that was just the beginning of his philanthropic leanings. Go get it life It never fails—you can always find a silver lining (or two) around every dark cloud. After Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast in October of 2012 and practically leveled Staten Island—the stomping grounds of Theo’s youth—he was on hand, “pulling water out of basements and bringing people clothes.” What he really wanted to do was form a nonprofit to raise funds for hurricane victims, but that simply would take too long. Instead, he collaborated with Boot Campaign and, together, they launched Staten Strong. The enterprise galvanized a team of community first responders to deliver emergency care and financial resources to local residents. Through his efforts, Theo received an unexpected gift. At a Boot Campaign/Staten Strong event, he was reacquainted with Boot Campaign liaison Meghan McDermott. They had met before, but this time something clicked. The two began dating shortly thereafter. They were married in 2014 and now have an 18-month-old son, Kane Alexander. “It was one of those things where you are at the right place at the right time,” Theo says. With everything else going on—philanthropic outings and his acting work—he kept himself motivated by listening to the speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Tony Robbins. “I always need to listen to these great motivational speakers who put me in a better place,” he notes. “Because sometimes I find that social media is polluted with negativity. That’s why I started using the hashtag, #GoGetItLife.” It was simple enough. On his social media pages, he would write things like, “Just get up, run, go five miles! #GoGetItLife.” Theo thought he was doing it for himself, but after receiving so many responses to his #GoGetItLife tweets, he jumped at yet another opportunity to spread positivity. Wanting to do more, he rallied his creative team. The posse birthed a web platform, gogetitlife.com, which invites contributors to share personal life stories. It grew from there, and now includes a 5K race on Staten Island—Theo is an avid marathon runner—as well as an offshoot campaign series dubbed #RightToBeMe. The latter is geared to people born with intellectual or developmental disabilities having the same life experiences as those without the same medical conditions. “Everybody’s been through something,” Theo points out. “When people share their stories, they never know who it’s going to affect. The site has really morphed into a motivational hub where people can interact, and it houses different charities I’m trying to help out. “It just shows that, for minimal effort, you can put something together that can affect a lot of people.” He continues to create things to help encourage health and happiness. Early last year, he surprised even himself by establishing a bottled water company. Ounce Water was an idea that arose from Theo’s healthy habit of consuming enough water daily. He wanted others to have a healthy daily intake as well, so he met with doctors and advisers and managed to obtain water from, as he tells it, “an incredible aquifer in upstate New York, untouched by man—a 600-million-year-old spring. When they told me that, I thought they were lying. It just shows I should have paid more attention in school. I thought, ‘that’s old.’ I didn’t even know the Earth was around that long.” Lessons learned Theo studied acting at New York’s iconic Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute and went on to make a memorable impression with stints on TV shows like Hawaii Five-O and Grey’s Anatomy before leaping off of SOA and into the Netflix hit show Luke Cage, where he’s generating buzz as villain Hernan “Shades” Alvarez. In 2016, his big-screen outings included When the Bough Breaks and Lowriders. Now 41, he says it’s his acting career that truly gives him the leverage to do everything else. Theo formed his production company, Dos Dudes Pictures, after he felt there was something missing on the cinematic landscape (read: depth). The first endeavor, Bad Hurt, was released in 2015, with Theo co-starring in the gripping family drama alongside Karen Allen and Michael Harney. Other projects are in the works. Now, having created such a vivid, creative kaleidoscope, one has to ask: What has he learned? Theo laughs. “You know, Paul Newman was a person I always tried to emulate a lot in my behavior when I was first starting out. Paul said, ‘I don’t find anything special or extraordinary about being philanthropic…it’s the other attitude that confuses me.’ “I’m like that,” he goes on. “I don’t think it’s that incredibly special that people give or do things for charity or nonprofit, and go out of their way to help people. I think that should be the norm. “But one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that it is not about you. It is about everyone else. I’ve always known that, but I have struggled with patience in my life. I had to learn. To me, life is a marathon, not a sprint. But you gotta be running. Run at a steady pace. Don’t gas out early. “Patience has made me better for the marathon of life.” Greg Archer is a multifaceted journalist and author whose work has appeared in The Huffington Post and O, The Oprah Magazine.

Practice

The Real Meditation Is Every Moment

As an internationally recognized expert on the topic of mindfulness, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., has changed the way the world looks at the power of mindfulness and meditation. He has written numerous research papers on the clinical applications of mindfulness in medicine and healthcare, and is the founding executive director of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Jon also is the founder of mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) therapy and an expert in stress reduction, relaxation and the applications of mindfulness meditation in everyday living. We sat down with Jon to talk about mindfulness, meditation and how it can help us create a love affair with our own life. Live Happy: We hear the term “mindfulness” used so much these days—can you tell us what mindfulness truly means? Jon Kabat-Zinn: The easiest way to explain it—but the one that doesn’t make it sound too attractive—is to say it’s pure awareness. Of course, we downgrade the value of awareness constantly. But mindfulness is really pointing at something: A very profound capacity that we don’t pay much attention to, and that is that we can be aware of both the interior and exterior, inner and outer, experience in a way that gives us more leverage on how we’re going to conduct ourselves in the next moment. Without that, then we’re kind of on autopilot and being jerked around by this condition and that condition, and in some sense not living our lives as fully as we might. LH: What changes when we begin practicing mindfulness? Jon: When we meet life with awareness, our lives go from a black-and-white movie to a full Technicolor panoramic sound movie. It lights up the potential for us to live life as if it really, really, really mattered. And I, for one, would say it really, really does matter. LH: We know that mindfulness and meditation can change our perspective, but how does it change our brain structure? Jon: Well, nobody knows completely how it works, but what we’ve learned is that the brain is not a static organ. It’s the organ of human experience and it’s continually changing itself on the basis of human experience. It is continually changing the way neurons in one part of the brain talk to neurons in another part of the brain, and of course the brain regulates, and in some sense controls, how you move your body, how your body feels, how you speak, how you understand what’s going on with yourself, memory and learning; all these things depend upon our brain. When we meet life with awareness, our lives go from a black-and-white movie to a full Technicolor panoramic sound movie." When you start paying attention to [your body] in the way that you do when you cultivate mindfulness through these formal and informal meditation practices, your brain is listening in a variety of ways. It might be regulating functions like lowering your blood pressure and maybe affecting the movement of food through the digestive tract; there are influences on the immune system, some regulated through the brain, some not, and we see structural changes in areas of the brain associated with learning, like the hippocampus. There are changes in the prefrontal cortex, which has to do with executive function, or how we actually regulate and move through very complex circumstances in our lives making life decisions, learning as we go, problem solving and regulating impulses. LH: A lot of people want to know what they have to “do” to achieve those kind of changes. Jon: It’s not a “doing,” it’s a “being.” It’s a shifting from thinking and emotions and getting things done to taking a moment to just drop in and “be.” And it’s not that you won’t get things done, but the things you get done will get done better and get done in a less stressful way because the “doing” will come out of this deep reservoir of “being” that’s really our biological birthright. LH: One of the reasons many people say they don’t meditate is because they don’t have time. What’s the “minimum daily requirement” we should spend being mindful or meditating? Jon: In a sense, we don’t have time not to do mindfulness —it’s that important. On the other hand, it’s outside of time altogether. The present moment has very intense properties. The past is over, the future hasn’t come yet—so there’s only this moment. If you can learn how to live in this present moment, then mindfulness doesn’t take any time at all. You’re moving though life, surfing on your breath and handling whatever comes up as you need to. And then, when you’re doing it that way, instead of being a drag…it can become a love affair with your life while you still have it to live. LH: That sounds amazing. How do you create a love affair with your own life? Jon: Very often, there are unhappy consequences to not recognizing how beautiful you are and how complete you are in this moment, no matter what you think is wrong with you. And when you start to actually extend attention with tenderness to yourself, that becomes a kind of discipline, and a love affair comes out of that. When you learn to become aware of your body, then you can learn to feel the various sensations in the body, one of which, no matter what you’re doing, is that your breath is moving in and out of your body. And you can [learn to] ride on the waves of your own breathing, keeping in mind that it’s the awareness that’s more important than the breathing itself. This kind of surrender allows you to accomplish your agendas in a way that are much more artful and elegant and with a much less stressful cost associated with them. LH: What is the most important thing for us to learn about meditation and mindfulness? Jon: The real meditation practice is every moment. It’s how we live our lives and how awake and aware we can be and how centered on awareness we are. Then we see how that influences the way we live our lives. I would say to let life become your mindfulness teacher. Register here to see Jon Kabat-Zinn speak at the Momentous Institute's one-day conference, Love and Wisdom In a Time of Stress, March 28, 2017 in Dallas, TX. Listen to our podcast: Mindfulness Is Pure Awareness With Jon Kabat-Zinn Read more: Ready, Sit, Meditate Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Woman buying tomatoes at Eastern Market.

relationships

Mixing It Up at Detroit’s Eastern Market

It's 5 a.m. and a cool breeze chills the air. Lights burst on in market sheds and trucks rumble in as farmers from Michigan, Ohio and just across the river in Canada hurry to unload their produce and other goods before the crowds begin to arrive at 6 a.m. Soon, colorful mounds of tomatoes, corn and spices are piled high, heaps of flowers spill over the pavement, and fresh eggs, meat, cheese and handmade baked goods tempt shoppers to fill their tote bags. Today, like every Saturday, as many as 45,000 visitors will come together in Detroit’s famous Eastern Market. They arrive from the inner city and from the suburbs and hail from different countries, races, religions, ages and income brackets. The smooth tones of a tenor sax accompany the cacophony of laughter, conversation in several languages and vendors shouting out the prices of their goods. The entire market vibrates with vitality and a strong sense of community—embodying history, altruism, civility, tolerance and work ethic—which contributes to a life well lived for its players. Detroit probably isn’t the first place that comes to mind when you think of such bounty and harmony. Yet, here in the country’s largest open-air public market, people as diverse as the produce have converged for 125 years. Meet me at the market “There are very few places now where a variety of people come together naturally,” says Heather Dillaway, Ph.D., associate professor of sociology at Wayne State University in Detroit. “Eastern Market is the exception.” Heather, who is an Eastern Market shopper, says, “When people have a common reason to be in a space together, they can create conversation and talk across boundaries. While they’re there, they realize they have more commonalities that bridge differences.” In the case of the Eastern Market, “You've got hipsters buying okra, broccolini and handmade sausage, but others are there for affordable food, loading up provisions for their restaurant or they’re there to support food justice [idea that access to healthy food is a basic human right] and to shop in ways to reduce their carbon footprint. There’s a common purpose. “This is how things have happened through history,” Heather says. “People have come together over a common issue such as public health or the right to vote, for example.” Suddenly, disparate groups discover they have something in common and start talking to each other. “Food is one of those needs that puts people on equal footing.” Detroit chef and budding restaurateur Jon Kung’s experiences with his business Kung Food back that up. “Having a personal relationship with your merchant is amazing,” Jon says. “It is truly a gift to have people there to guide me through product changes or conditions. It can even be something as simple as ‘we had a lot of rain yesterday so these tomatoes are pretty much ready to burst, be extra careful bringing them home.’ Sometimes I even tell farmers what ingredients I’ll be looking for and they may take it upon themselves to grow it.” And for the merchants, such exchanges help them establish loyal customers. “Life is what you make of it, and that includes how much you truly want to interact with someone,” Jon says. “The market is a place where you can do that. We’re aware of each other constantly, and we understand the community we’re in. The market is a food-based microcosm of all that’s good in the city.” Strong roots Detroit has had its challenges, among them urban blight and right, job losses and government corruption. But Motown is getting its groove back with enough construction projects, business startups, new residents and sports facilities in the works to make many cities envious. Guess what destination made Travel and Leisure’s list of “places to go in 2016.” Yep, Detroit. While the newcomers generate excitement, Eastern Market bears the special patina of time. It has bloomed here despite Detroit’s ups and downs and proudly remains one place where native Detroiters can say, “We’re still here. We've been here all along.” In fact, the market in some form has been entwined with this city’s history practically since the first settlers pulled their canoes up on the banks of the Detroit River. It moved to its current location in 1891 and German, Italian and Polish neighborhoods grew up around it. To this day, Eastern Market revolves around a core of five massive sheds where hundreds of wholesale and retail vendors sell fresh produce, meat and much more daily. Family roots This is no simple farmers market; it’s a working food district, with acres of shops and housing that have sprouted up around the central sheds over the decades. Some families have earned a living at Eastern Market for generations. Larry Konowalski’s family has sold eggs here for more than 100 years and, at age 75, he continues the tradition, arriving at the market with eggs and honey from his farm in nearby Adrian, Michigan. “I simply enjoy being at the market,” Larry says. “I’ve been going all my life and now I have customers whose grandparents dealt with my grandparents, who came by horse and wagon on Friday nights to be ready when the market opened early the next morning.” Such continuity is remarkable. So are the personal relationships people used to develop more readily in their communities, partly through their interaction with those who supplied their food. That’s a relationship both Larry and his customers value today. He says he knows more people at the market than he does in Adrian. Markets like Detroit’s once thrived in cities throughout America. After World War II, though, city dwellers moved to the suburbs and bought groceries in big new supermarkets. It’s no small irony that the auto industry that made Detroit famous built the cars that drove people out of the city. And they took many of the jobs with them. The Motor City, once so admired as the “arsenal of democracy,” the nation's fourth largest city, and a prime place to attain the American Dream eventually became scorned for its poverty and its eerie landscape of empty lots and burned-out houses. Still, Eastern Market endured, partly because, unlike other cities where developers snapped up market property to build high-priced condos and galleries, plenty of land remained affordable in Detroit. But according to Karen Brown, who has operated her French-inspired home, clothing and lifestyle shop, Savvy Chic, in the market district for 18 years, other factors help explain Eastern Market’s survival. She says one of the key reasons for its continued popularity is that it has consistently encouraged local vendors and local food producers, not the “big box” or big name stores. That helped the district retain both its authenticity and kept native Detroiters in the mix as the market has prospered. “Eastern Market never lost its status as a beloved family tradition. Even people who left the city came back to the Eastern Market,” Karen says. Her business has benefited from the market’s sense of tradition; she recently added a little coffee shop where Savvy Chic shoppers can relax and mingle. New shoots Today, as they did 125 years ago, new folks are moving into the district to work and live. Liz Blondy was one of the kids who grew up going to the market from the suburbs when little else brought people downtown. Now, she’s an eager participant in Detroit’s revitalization and a former member of the market’s board of directors. She and her husband bought a building in the market district, rehabilitated it and took up residence, lured by its authenticity and gritty, laid-back appeal. “Eastern Market is truly accessible,” Liz says. “It’s all things to all people, from the fancy foodie to the regular lady with five kids looking for affordable fresh produce to the young couple on a date or visitors from out of town.” Detroit’s new urban farmers are setting up shop in the market alongside veterans like Larry. Carolyn Leadley and her husband, Jack Van Dyke, operate Rising Pheasant Farms on nearly an acre of formerly empty lots on the city’s east side where houses once stood. They grow vegetables year-round for restaurants and farmers markets and deliver them by bicycle. “We now have a passive solar hoop house, which allows us to produce field crops nearly year-round,” she says. They named their business after the wild pheasants that roam their neighborhood. I farm in Detroit because it is an inspiring place filled with resilient people who motivate me to be a better farmer and a better community member.” It’s a great place to raise our kids, who get to benefit from being raised on a farm and knowing the earth at the same time that they are a part of a racially and economically diverse community.” Without Eastern Market, Carolyn believes she wouldn’t have much of a business model. “We’re successful because we are able to reduce many costs by being close to our markets,” she says. But it’s also more personal than that. “Folks want to support us because we have quality naturally grown produce but they also want to support our family and have enjoyed seeing our kids grow up at the market.” Jon of Kung Food happily supplies his growing catering and event business with the fresh food from growers like Rising Pheasant Farms. “The quality of the food is just so much better when you know where it comes from—the farm, the farmer and the quality of their practices.” He enjoys conversing directly with the farmer or the butcher; “It's how my grandmother used to shop in Hong Kong.” He recently bought a vacant building in the market district, a former pasta factory where he plans to open a noodle shop. Why Eastern Market? He says, “People are happy when they’re here. You feel a positive energy. This market is unique and organic, no pun intended.” How will the garden grow? Eastern Market’s shoppers, vendors, residents and businesses are aware that the market’s success is a garden they must tend very carefully, because too much gentrification could erase the community characteristics that have made Eastern Market so appealing to so many. Keeping the market gritty, authentic, local and a place where everyone is part of Detroit’s renaissance are among the goals of Eastern Market Corporation (EMC), says Dan Carmody, the organization’s president. EMC, a public-private partnership, took over market management from the city in 2006 and today sponsors a multitude of initiatives to foster its vision “to shepherd Eastern Market’s rich history to nourish a healthier, wealthier and happier Detroit.” Projects promoting food justice and equal access to fresh food throughout the city fit the “nourish” category. For example, because many residents don’t have transportation, the market created pop-up mobile markets in 20 locations around metro Detroit. It offers nutrition education in cooperation with businesses and hospitals to teach their employees about healthy food options. Eastern Market also welcomes shoppers with SNAP and other food assistance programs, making fresh produce more available. Partners in food justice One man-about-the-market, chef Phil Jones, tackles a number of projects to foster food justice and healthy eating. He hosts demonstrations and teaches basic cooking skills that he says have been lost to fast-food dining and lack of access to fresh ingredients. He also manages and operates Red Truck Fresh Produce, a partnership between Eastern Market Corporation and Community Growth Partners. Red Truck sells fresh fruits and vegetables at the district’s Gratiot Central Market, a place previously known strictly as a source for all things meat. Working with Goodwill Industries, Red Truck is staffed by U.S. military veterans as part of a job-training program. Other market programs encourage food entrepreneurs and the jobs they create. Through Detroit Kitchen Connect, for example, Eastern Market provides people striving to establish new food businesses with low-cost licensed commercial kitchen space in a newly remodeled market shed. EMC also partners with FoodLab Detroit, which helps individual food businesses start and grow. Much of that happens behind the scenes, unnoticed by the throngs of shoppers in the market sheds who are simply there to enjoy the festive atmosphere and take in this Midwestern bazaar of fresh food, crafts, street art and camaraderie. “You may find yourself shopping next to a grandma with a bunch of little kids, a new resident or someone visiting from the burbs,” Liz says. “You wind up chatting about the quality of the food, where to get the best tomatoes, where to find the best price on steak.” It’s a simple interaction that creates connection, but one that’s rare in many communities. Says Liz, “What is great about Eastern Market is that it is a place where all Detroiters come and all feel welcome on any given day.” If you go: Here are a few tips to make your visit to Eastern Market great: SET YOUR GPS for the market’s welcome center at 1445 Adelaide on Detroit’s east side. FIND PRODUCE, MEAT AND BAKED GOODS at the Saturday market, which takes place year-round, 6 a.m. to 4 p.m., and at the smaller scale Tuesday market, June through October. EASTERN MARKET’S HOLIDAY MARKETS take place in November and December. Shop to the tunes of carolers and the ho-ho-ho of Kris Kringle. You’ll find everything from Thanksgiving trimmings and pumpkins to locally grown Christmas trees and wreaths, homemade holiday treats and beverages. EASTERN MARKET BECOMES THE LARGEST OPEN-AIR FLOWER MARKET in the U.S. on Flower Day, held annually on the Sunday after Mother’s Day. BE SURE TO EXPLORE BEYOND THE MARKET SHEDS to discover food shops such as DeVries & Co. 1887 and Gratiot Central Market, the art gallery Wasserman Projects, the funky shop The Detroit Mercantile Company, among many others. Sample some of the city’s oldest and newest establishments including Roma Cafe and Detroit City Distillery. JOIN FOOTBALL FANS AS THEY TAILGATE AT EASTERN MARKET before every Detroit Lions home football game, then walk to nearby Ford Field or take a shuttle. Tailgating proceeds support the market’s work to provide access to good food and grow local food businesses and jobs. Terri Peterson Smith is a Minneapolis freelance writer who covers travel and the environment. She is the author of the book Off the Beaten Page.

relationships

9 Tips for Low-Stress Holiday Entertaining

The holidays are a festive time of year. Roaring fires and flickering candles, scents of pine needles and mulled wine, and sounds of softly playing music accent family gatherings. The holidays, however, are also a harbinger of stress. Many of us stretch ourselves to the limit trying to achieve a Martha Stewart-level of perfection on a budget or hosting a houseful of relatives while working late hours. Buying and wrapping gifts, decorating, cooking, hosting—the responsibilities pile up. To relieve some of the burden, try not to compare your holiday to the ones you’ve seen in the movies or on well-crafted Facebook posts or obsession-fueled Pinterest boards. Head into the season expecting “flawed and fabulous” and you will enjoy it all the more. Despite your best efforts to create holiday magic, something decidedly not-so-magical will happen. You’ll forget the tinsel. Your parents will be stranded in Chicago. The dog will get to dessert before the guests. You can almost bet on it. Here are nine ways to keep your chin up and stress down this holiday season. 1. Start the season charged Holidays are inherently stressful because you add multiple tasks to your already busy schedule. Increase your self-care activities leading up to the holidays. Do the things that recharge you the most, whether it’s lunch with a friend, a walk in the woods, relaxing with a good book or writing in a journal. Spend some time replenishing your mind and body: To feel your best when the holidays arrive, make sure you sleep seven hours nightly, exercise regularly and eat nutritiously. If you already have a healthy routine, don’t start skipping it for the holiday season. Read more: Are You Living Fully Charged? 2. Give up perfection Embrace imperfection. We often get disappointed when our (often idealistic) expectations clash with reality. Tell yourself that something will go wrong and it’s okay. Now if the turkey is a bit dry or if your uncle talks politics at the dinner table, you can just roll with it instead of letting it ruin your holiday. Read more: 4 Ways to Make This Holiday Season Better Than Perfect 3. Decorate early Get a jump start on your planning and reduce stress on the actual holiday by getting your home ready ahead of time. Turn decorating your home into a tradition that involves your whole family (i.e., put the kids to work). Start preparing for Thanksgiving in mid-November. For Christmas or Hanukkah, start making your house festive around December 1. You’ll be so glad you’ve checked something off your list; plus, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying holiday spirit in the house all month long! 4. Make holiday punch bowls—one for the kids and one for the adults With a quick Google or Pinterest search of “holiday punch recipe,” you can find delicious, festive-themed drink recipes—one for the adults and one for the little ones. Now you won’t have to cater to every person’s individual tastes, and it can add to the ambiance of your gathering. Consider using a small table for pitchers of ice water and glasses, too, so your guests can help themselves while you greet family at the door. The more you set up beforehand, the more you can be in the present moment and enjoy your party once it begins. 5. Get out of the kitchen Timing an elaborate dinner with multiple courses is ambitious, and it can keep you in the kitchen when everyone else is enjoying each other and the party. Make it your goal to be out of the kitchen when your guests arrive. One option is to cook nearly everything ahead of time. Another is to go potluck or semi-potluck: Consider making the main dish and having everyone bring an appetizer, side dish or dessert to share. Now your party is a collective effort instead of all on you. Exhale, that’s a lot of responsibility off your shoulders. 6. Don’t clean up right away Even if you like a tidy table or a clean kitchen, stacking dishes and loading the dishwasher can be a message to your friends and family that the party is over. Value your together time over your urge to clean up. Enjoy the conversation and take pleasure in the wonderful meal you just had before you put your kitchen and dining room back in order. Or, consider being upfront with family and guests and tell them you thought you’d serve dessert an hour after dinner. That way everyone knows they are welcome to stay. 7. Accept people as they are If someone in your family is always having drama, don’t be surprised when drama shows up this year, too. If you have a relative who says outrageous things, expect it again this year. Keep this Maya Angelou quote in mind: “Once people show you who they are, believe them, the first time.” We don’t get to choose our relatives, so if you accept your relatives for who they are, you can take away their power to ruin a moment. Accept and let go. Read more: 7 Tips to Survive the Holidays With Your Family 8. Keep the conversation going Sometimes conversations flow effortlessly and shared stories bring your family closer. Other times you might have awkward silences and people only discussing the food. Increase your chances of creating a memorable holiday by thinking of some meaningful conversations you’d like to start. Maybe it’s a family reunion you’d like to plan, or a favorite holiday memory you want to reminisce about. Take the lead by starting a rewarding conversation. You can decide to go around the table and have everyone share one great thing that they are grateful for, or to name something special that has happened in the past year. If kids are involved, table games can be fun as well. 9. Swap worry for gratitude Worry is almost always a wasted emotion. It makes you feel bad and doesn’t accomplish anything productive. If you catch yourself worrying about the holidays, swap your worry out for some gratitude by consciously listing your blessings. If you are busy being thankful for the people and good things in your life, there won’t be room for worry and stress about the details of party planning and gift giving. Read more: 3 Secrets to Happiness This Holiday Season Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

Giving

9 Gift Books to Spark Joy This Holiday Season

A book can be a magical gift. The right book can show someone how well you know them. Share a smile, a laugh or some inspiration this holiday season by gifting a book from our eclectic list of books to suit every taste, from the family foodie to the photography lover. Make your gift book even more personal by including a handwritten notecard or inscription inside. 1. Alton Brown: EveryDayCook by Alton Brown Beloved TV host Alton Brown (best known for his 14 seasons of Good Eats and his role on Iron Chef America) has written a new cookbook that puts easy weeknight meals front and center. Bits of science and food lore—along with photos that he took on his iPhone—accompany the 101 recipes. Look for Alton’s take on American comfort food and plenty of his signature humor threaded throughout. It’s the perfect gift for the family foodie. 2. Cats in Paris: A Magical Coloring Book by Won-Sun Jang This charmant coloring book of intricate pen-and-ink drawings is perfect for the friend or family member who loves to relax with a box of colored pencils but is tired of mesmerizing mandalas. Of course, it will also please the crazed cat lovers in your life. Take a trip through Paris with a gaggle of finely drawn felines—allergenic fur not included. 3. Little Humans by Brandon Stanton A celebration of little humans everywhere. Brandon Stanton, creator of the popular blog, Humans of New York, which has spawned a series of equally popular coffee-table books. Here Brandon has compiled 40 of his favorite photos of kids expressing their individuality. These fun, beautiful and moving images of kids from his website are intended to inspire a sense of community and imbue the reader with the free spirit of childhood. The book makes a perfect gift for a child, parent or child at heart who appreciates the way that children just radiate joy. 4. My Favorite Things by Maira Kalman How do the objects in our lives tell a story? Bestselling author and illustrator Maira Kalman captures the human experience by exploring the significance of the physical things we have in our lives. With artifacts, recollections and selections from the collections of the Cooper-Hewitt, Smithsonian Design Museum and her own personal collections, My Favorite Things features more than 50 special objects to view and ponder. See the pocket watch Abraham Lincoln was carrying when he was shot, original editions of Winnie-the-Pooh and Alice in Wonderland as well as photographs taken by Maira. An ideal gift for the art or design enthusiast. 5. National Parks of America: Experience America's 59 National Parks by Lonely Planet Ideal for the nature lover or travel enthusiast, this book celebrates America’s 59 awe-inspiring national parks. The year 2016 was a big one for the parks; the 100th anniversary of their founding meant renewed interest and a slew of new documentaries and books for all ages. This book highlights the best activities and trails of each park, proposes ideal itineraries, explains how to get there, and even gives advice on where to stay. What’s more, the stunning color photographs will inspire wanderlust and a burning desire to hop in the car and see the magnificent views—of the world’s tallest trees, towering cliffs and snow-covered mountains—for yourself. 6. Queen of Your Own Life by Kathy Kinney and Cindy Ratzlaff Actress Kathy Kinney and comedian Cindy Ratzlaff have created a successful series of fun, fabulous books that feature vintage images and wry, inspiring quotes. The quotes are “queenisms,” and each book invites women to recognize and celebrate themselves as the queens they are. Their latest venture, Queen of Your Own Life, reminds women to take control of their relationships, happiness and destiny. A great gift for any woman who loves the vintage aesthetic and could use a couple positive affirmations once in a while. 7. The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu The title and author byline pretty much say it all: Two of the world's greatest spiritual leaders—both winners of the Nobel Peace Prize—have come together to collaborate on a book about joy. Written with compassion and humor, The Book of Joy includes personal anecdotes from the two men, teachings about happiness, as well as some of the science behind it. They also offer suggestions of daily practices to increase your own happiness, turning it from a fleeting emotion into an authentic way of living your life. 8. Think Happy: Instant Peptalks to Boost Positivity by Karen Salmansohn Happiness guru and author Karen Salmansohn has collected 50 inner “peptalks” for readers to employ in different situations, as needed, punctuated with adorable color illustrations and watercolors. The situations vary from “trying something new” to more serious perils such as “facing failure.” You can think of this book as a charming and quirky form of cognitive behavioral therapy. The perfect gift for anyone you know who needs to occasionally quiet their inner critic. 9. Zen Dogs by Alexandra Cearns Who can resist this photo collection that captures some very cool canines—just chilling. Award-winning animal photographer Alexandra Cearns celebrates the serenity of dogs by finding them in joyful moments of relaxation. See 80 beautiful color photographs of a variety of breeds from the beloved golden retriever to the unique French bulldog. To emphasize the mindful, Zen feel, the book includes inspirational words of wisdom from the Buddha, Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh and others. A perfect gift for the mellow dog lover in your life. Read more: 10 Life-Changing Books That Will Stay With You Forever Read more: 7 Best Books to Boost Your Brain Health Read more: 10 Must-Read Books for Happy, Healthy Eating Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

Confident woman working with a table saw.

Practice

Combat Depression and Anxiety With These Tools

Depression can make you feel like you are stuck in a black hole while the rest of the world goes about its day in a spray of sunshine, as usual—joyfully alive. In your mind, you may want to be happy, but the weight of darkness can feel insurmountable. For others, anxiety puts up roadblocks in the way of happiness. It appears out of nowhere, jittery and malignant, darkening a perfectly ordinary situation with a veneer of fear and dread. The World Health Organization reports that as many as 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Around 15 million Americans suffer from depression, and nearly half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with anxiety, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Even those who have never struggled with clinical depression or anxiety will have the occasional emotional crisis, blue mood or situational depression. While negative emotions can be helpful—by letting you know something isn’t right in your life—finding happiness isn’t possible unless you are equipped with emotional tools to overcome the weight of dark days. We turned to the experts to find out what emotional power tools they recommend to chip away at depression, reduce anxiety and become more mentally resilient so you can welcome happiness back into your life. Challenge your thoughts Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., psychologist, author and daughter of cognitive therapy founder Dr. Aaron Beck, says, “When you have depression you tend to understand your experience through black glasses instead of clear lenses. With depression, it’s important to stay active and be skeptical of any negative thoughts you might have. “Just because you think something doesn’t necessarily mean it is true,” says Judith. She suggests doing things that make you feel productive and in control, even when your mood is low and you don’t feel like it. According to Dr. David Burns, Stanford psychiatrist and author of the best-selling book Feeling Good, “our thoughts create all of our moods. When you are depressed and anxious, you are giving yourself negative messages; you are blaming yourself and telling yourself terrible things are going to happen. Distorted thoughts cause human suffering.” “Cognitive distortions are things like all-or-nothing thinking,” says David. “For example, if your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total loser. Or fortune telling, where you anticipate things will turn out badly and you treat your prediction as fact. Another cognitive distortion is mental filter, where you hone in on one negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of reality becomes darkened. Or, disqualifying the positive by rejecting positive experiences—as if they don’t count for some reason.” Each of the 10 cognitive distortions that David has identified can be challenged with more positive and realistic thinking, talking back to your negative thoughts. David recommends what he calls a triple column technique to identify distortions in your thinking. Take a piece of paper and make three columns. In the first column, write down your negative thoughts. In the second column, identify the cognitive distortion, and in the third column challenge your negative thought. Examine the evidence and question whether your negative thought is really valid. When you change the way you think, you change the way you feel. Accept that you are imperfect The experts agree, perfectionism is a happiness killer. If you want to welcome a giant wave of calm into your life, accept that you don’t have to be perfect. There are so many stressful moments you could easily diffuse by whispering to yourself: “I don’t have to be perfect. I can just be me.” Self-acceptance is tied to mental resilience, says Judith. “Having unreasonable or rigid standards that continually outstrip reality is a recipe for a negative self-image and a lack of resilience.” Positive psychology expert Caroline Miller has drawn similar conclusions from her research. “People who are exposed to stories of other people’s hardships and how those people successfully overcame those hardships are more persevering and less likely to be self-critical,” Caroline says. “Carol Dweck’s (Stanford psychologist) work on fixed mindsets has also found that when you don’t see yourself as someone who is capable of change, you can’t deal with the prospect of failure, but people with a growth mindset are more forgiving of their mistakes because they see themselves as works of progress who are capable of making tremendous change.” “Aim for success and not perfection,” says David. “Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself to be human can make you a happier and more productive person.” Learn how to comfort yourself You probably know instinctively how to provide comfort to a child, a best friend or a beloved pet. But do you know how to comfort yourself? You can become better at self-compassion with practice. Judith suggests “being sensitive to the suffering of others as it will help you be compassionate toward yourself. Accept and acknowledge your own suffering. Work to relieve and prevent it by non-judgmentally caring for your own wellbeing.” Positive psychology expert and author Michelle McQuaid says, “Self-compassion is hugely important for mental resilience. Too often we turn to our inner critic as a means of motivating ourselves and fail to recognize that while this may get us moving in the short term, neurologically, over time, it actually undermines our motivation, confidence and willingness to pursue our goals.” Self-compassion, she says, allows us to recognize that like everybody else, we’re human and still learning. Say kind things to yourself in a compassionate way you talk to others. “When you show yourself self-compassion, it’s like having a good friend with you all the time,” writes Kristin Neff, Ph.D., in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. When you feel a dark mood approaching or are having trouble getting through a rough time, here are 20 more tested, effective tools to fill out the rest of your kit: Embrace anxiety Don’t try to fight or eliminate anxiety, suggests Judith Beck. “Instead, watch it from a distance, evaluate your anxious thinking and correct it if it’s distorted. If it’s not, go to problem-solving. Act in accordance with your values. Avoid action or inaction that’s tied to fear.” Read more: 6 Steps to Win the War Against Worry Connect with people According to Michelle McQuaid, reaching out for social support can boost resilience. By courageously reaching out, you no longer feel alone, your vulnerability connects you with others, and you often realize everyone shares similar struggles. Read more: 8 Tips to Find Your Own Tribe Sleep on it Some days may be dark if you didn’t sleep well, if there’s a hormonal shift, or you are simply just having a bad day. A good night’s sleep can sometimes be enough to turn your entire outlook from negative to positive. Sit in silence Sometimes out of fear of feeling depressed or anxious, we can fill up our lives with being busy or fill up the silence with TV, but getting quiet with your thoughts can be a remedy for depression and anxiety. Silence can foster a state of calm and often give you enough mental space to have insights about your own life. Disconnect from the external Realize you always have a choice when it comes to your thoughts and outlook. Don’t lock your mood into something you can’t control such as how your work day is going or how much you get accomplished in a day. Make a choice to stay positive despite what may be going on around you. Schedule a favorite activity into your calendar When you are busy, you might postpone favorite activities like taking walks outside, having lunch with a friend or even something easy like listening to beautiful music. Your favorite activity is more than a luxury, it’s a powerful way to recharge. Schedule your favorite activities into your calendar like weekly appointments. Read more: Put Happiness on the Calendar Set boundaries Boundaries are our protective borders of what’s acceptable to us and what isn’t. By setting boundaries you are declaring that you will not let people exploit you, and that you are in charge of your own emotions. A boundary can be as simple as saying “No.” Don’t take things personally It’s hard not to take things personally. But we have the capacity to take a step back and realize that what others do and say—even if it is negative and aimed at us—usually has more to do with their own situations than ours. Change the channel “Gritty people have the talent of ‘changing the channel’ in their heads when they are heading toward depression or a desire to quit,” says Caroline Miller. For a quick lift, try posting positive messages and meaningful images in your home or office that you can turn to anytime. Make a happy, uplifting playlist on your phone that you can access when your mood is dragging—or you are stuck in traffic! Choose whom you spend your time with regularly Your closest associations affect you more than you might realize, so choose to spend time with people who are kind and uplifting. Studies show that many of our emotions and character traits—positive and negative—are contagious. Those who have more grit are less likely to fall into a depression spiral, according to Caroline. “And you can increase your grit,” she says, “by being around those who model better ways of dealing with impatience, challenges and pessimistic thinking.” Rewrite the story of you In his best-selling book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., writes that we can change our relationships to our thoughts and feelings by paying attention to the dialogues that stream through our minds. “The stories we tell ourselves give us implicit limits and possibilities,” he says. If your story is holding you back, consider a rewrite with what’s possible. Be aware of your body Michelle McQuaid suggests being “more aware of what our bodies are telling us. And tuning in to the moments when we are feeling overwhelmed or stressed to recognize that our body is trying to tell us that something isn’t unfolding in the way we hoped. We need to understand what is causing our unease and make informed and conscious choices about how we can lean into the situation and learn what is happening.” Journal your thoughts Journaling can be a highly cathartic process as it heightens your awareness of both your thoughts and feelings. When you journal, you connect with yourself and express emotions—two emotionally healthy practices for getting you out of a dark or anxious place. Read more: Write Your Way to Insight Reach out Whether you reach out to a good friend, your network or a licensed psychologist, give yourself permission to seek help. It’s brave to face darkness head on and be self-aware enough to know when you need help. Take care of your own needs Many of us are great at meeting everyone’s needs except our own. Moms, for example, rule at this. The only problem is, if your needs are always coming last, they are probably not being met at all. No one can operate positively—including taking care of others—when his or her own physical and emotional needs are taking a backseat. Activate your own needs. For example, if you start taking time to exercise, you invest in your own physical and mental health and you increase your energy. Or, if you carve out space to read a good book or do an activity you love, your outlook is more positive because you are taking time to recharge with your own interests. Read more: Why Self-Care Isn't Selfish Recognize your strengths To build your resilience, recognize your strengths by making a list and give yourself credit for everything that you do, Judith Beck suggests. Consider making a list of wins. Don’t seek escape Many of us try to ignore negative feelings or distract ourselves with alcohol, food or other self-destructive tendencies. Instead, Michelle McQuaid recommends, lean into your unease. “This may mean gently challenging the stories you’re telling yourself about what is happening or what might happen … and choose the story that serves you best. Engage your strengths to take constructive action,” she says. Avoidance of pain or discomfort leaves no room for learning or growth. Shake up the status quo Take time to deeply reflect on your life. Sometimes a major life event can cause this kind of introspection, other times all it takes is a question. Increased self-awareness can lead to a happier and more fulfilling path. Use these questions to start. Exercise Hello, endorphins, there you are. Make sure your workout is sweat-inducing because that’s when you really experience the physiological and mental benefits. Read more: 8 Great Happiness Perks You Get From Exercise Make positive choices Every choice you make from dawn to dusk impacts how you feel about yourself. Even tiny decisions matter. Become conscious of how each decision you make has the ability to uplift or the ability to detract from how you feel. Catch yourself speaking nicely about someone when that person isn’t even in the room. Follow through on a commitment you made to someone. Smile at a stranger walking by. Share dessert. Stop comparing yourself to others Ah, the comparison game. Facebook and Instagram make the comparisons of life’s highlight reels easy to do. Instead of making yourself feel badly because you think others have it better than you, realize you are idealizing people. Everyone has something they are struggling with but the challenges and personal struggles often don’t often make it into your newsfeeds. Choose to be happy for people and their good news while keeping a foot in reality. Everyone has something they are shouldering. As Judith says, “Work to see the best in yourself, others and in your future.” Read more: Nothing Compares to You Give up the disease to please If you set your outlook or self-worth on whether others like you, your mood will go up and down like a rollercoaster ride. Instead, accept that not everyone is going to like you and it isn’t your job to see that they do. Listen to your gut and give your own opinions more value. Count blessings rather than dwell on the negative You always have a choice. The next time a negative thought tries to settle in, start listing all the things in your life you feel thankful for and happy about instead. The best way to feel mentally strong and ready to fight for your own happiness is to see yourself as a work in progress and build up your emotional toolkit with what you’ve learned from your experiences. David Burns says there’s only one person who can ever make you happy, and that person is you. Listen to our podcast with Dr. Joshua Smith on How Expressive Writing Can Improve Your Happiness Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

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Podcast

Finding Happiness When Life Doesn’t Make Sense with Jennifer Rothschild

At the young age of 15, Jennifer Rothschild was diagnosed with a rare, degenerative eye disease that would eventually steal her sight. It was more than a turning point for the Miami, Florida, native. Her dreams of becoming a commercial artist and cartoonist faded. Words and music have replaced her canvas and palette for more than 25 years. She shares how she has been able to remain optimistic and positive through her life despite the adversities. What you'll learn in this podcast: How changing the way you look at the world can change your attitude The power of gratitude The importance of knowing your authentic self Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Download other freebies from Jennifer's website Follow Jennifer on Twitter

Practice

Srikumar Rao Wants You to Feel Radiantly Alive

When Srikumar Rao was growing up in India and later in Myanmar, he chafed against his mother’s penchant for finding the silver lining in any situation. “She was very spiritual and had a very upbeat outlook on life,” Srikumar says. Whenever anything bad happened, Jaya Rao would give thanks that it wasn’t a lot worse. “It used to really irritate me,” Srikumar admits. That irritation persisted into adulthood. While attending Delhi University, Srikumar had an accident during a particularly fierce game of squash. Running at top speed to return a tough alley shot, he barreled into a wall head first. His glasses broke, the frame piercing his skin. He crumpled to the ground unconscious. Making matters worse, it was his birthday. Jaya gave the events her usual sunny spin. She was so grateful, she told her son, that he’d been with someone who was able to take him to the emergency room. And how lucky he was, she continued, that the steel eyeglass frame had merely inflicted a flesh wound instead of gouging out his eyeball. Bedrock optimism Decades later Srikumar would come to see the wisdom in what he calls his mother’s “bedrock optimism” and her faith in the benevolence of the universe. “I must have stored it somewhere,” he says. “What she was saying all those years suddenly made sense, and not just intellectually, but at a very deep level.” By then Srikumar was in his early 40s, teaching at Long Island University after he’d come to the United States to pursue his Ph.D. in marketing from Columbia University. At the time, he says, he felt burnt out and plagued by “gnawing insecurities, worries, anxiety, jealousies, irritations, guilt and apprehensions.” He began to cull insights from a lifetime of voracious reading, everything from ancient religious texts to the 1971 best-seller Be Here Now by new-age guru Ram Dass. He pored over philosophy texts, spiritual biographies and volumes by big thinkers in leadership, mindfulness and flow. For good measure, he read the novels of the British humorist P.G. Wodehouse. Pulling together these disparate threads, he developed a syllabus for a course with the ambitious goal of assisting people in transforming their lives—helping them to align their work with their interests and values, move toward optimism and warmer relationships and reconnect with their spirituality. “It was the course I needed for myself,” Srikumar says. Charting a course He wasn’t alone. Since 1994, thousands of people have taken the program Srikumar would come to call “Creativity and Personal Mastery,” or CPM for short. After teaching CPM at Long Island University and then Columbia University, he began offering it privately through The Rao Institute, largely to business executives and entrepreneurs. The exclusive course takes place over three highly intensive and interactive weekends and costs thousands of dollars. Now, at 65, Srikumar says he is eager for his work to reach a larger audience. “The reason I do what I do is I want everybody to get up in the morning and say, ‘Yippee!’ ” Inspiring those yelps was his motivation for recently self-publishing a paperback version (with an updated bibliography) of his book Are You Ready to Succeed? Unconventional Strategies for Achieving Personal Mastery in Business and Life, which originally came out in 2005. Your life did not just happen,” Srikumar says. “You experience life exactly as you have fashioned it. If you are unhappy with where you are, you can deconstruct the parts you don’t like and build them up again.” What keeps us from feeling “radiantly alive,” Srikumar says, is that we have spent our entire lives learning to be unhappy. Tripping us up are what he calls “mental models,” a jumble of fixed ideas about how the world works and how things should or shouldn’t be done that don’t serve us well. The book guides readers through a series of exercises that will help them become the architect of a life brimming with joy and fulfillment. Here are three exercises to kickstart your transformation: 1. Try out an alternate reality Divide a page into four columns headed “family,” “work,” “love” and “self.” For the next 10 minutes, without stopping, scribble down the first beliefs that come to mind under each of these areas. They can be anything at all. For example, “My boss always belittles my ideas” or “I’m too old to find love” or “I could never get hired for the kind of job I want.” Now, looking over your list, choose a situation troubling you right now; perhaps it’s working for your supercritical boss. Develop an alternate reality you can plausibly believe. You might not be able to accept that your boss is trying to encourage you to sharpen your ideas. But maybe you can be open to the possibility that having a difficult boss will give you the skills you need to excel in a competitive field. Over the next week, live as if the alternate universe you have created were real. Write down every piece of evidence that supports this parallel world. You might describe how your boss scoffed at something you said in a meeting and how you rose to defend your point of view. The payoff: In your alternate universe, you do not hand over your ability to be happy to someone else. Instead, you retain the power to focus on what’s important to you and you appreciate the strengths and resilience you gain from challenges. “As you live in one of these realities that you select,” Srikumar writes, “you will initially feel as though you are playacting. As you persist, that feeling of faking it will go away and it will actually become your new reality.” Read more: Are You Sabotaging Your Self-Esteem? 2. Swap the voice of judgment for a detached witness Devote two weeks to becoming aware of your “voice of judgment.” Srikumar says that this voice is one of the most common and pernicious types of “mental chatter” that plays in the backgrounds of our minds. The voice of judgment “does a darn good job of flattening you,” Srikumar says. Sometimes it puts you down directly: “You’re going to really mess up this project and be exposed as the big fraud you are!” Other times, it compares you unfavorably to someone else: “Carol is so quick on her feet; if you’d been asked that question in the meeting, you would have been tongue-tied and stammering.” Start observing your voice of judgment. It can be helpful to set your smartphone to beep every hour as a reminder to jot down your observations. Pay attention to how often you berate yourself and the impact this has on your ability to stick with a difficult task or stay engaged with other people. Don’t beat yourself up as you notice the negativity of your thinking; that will only increase the volume of the voice of judgment. The payoff: Your observing self is what Srikumar (and many teachers of mindfulness and meditation) calls “the witness.” Making friends with this dispassionate spectator shows you with clarity the many ways in which you undermine yourself. As you gain practice in cultivating your witness—and it’s a lifetime quest—you’ll be able to move through your days with much greater mindfulness and confidence. Read more: Give Yourself a Mindfulness Makeover 3. Invest in actions rather than outcomes Remember a moment when you experienced such extraordinary beauty that it took you outside yourself and to a place of great serenity. Perhaps it was a sunset. You didn’t say, “That’s a beautiful sunset, but it’s kind of off-center and if I could move it 200 yards to the right and Photoshop out some of the clouds, it would be so much more beautiful.” No, the off-center sunset was just fine. And in that rare moment of accepting the universe just as it was, Srikumar says, your innately happy nature bubbled up. Srikumar’s many years of study and of teaching have convinced him that our inborn nature is firmly tilted toward joy. Try to bring this mindset of acceptance to your daily life. It won’t be easy. For most of us, our default attitude on happiness is based on the “if-then” model: “If I get that big raise/have a second baby/spend a month in Bali, then I’ll be happy.” There are lots of problems with this way of thinking. For one thing, we’re pretty bad at predicting what will actually bring us happiness, as Harvard psychologist and researcher Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D., showed us in his book Stumbling on Happiness. For another, we can’t control outcomes. A better strategy: Let the goal you seek give you direction, but invest yourself completely in the process. That means do the best you’re capable of, without worrying about the end result, and embrace where the journey takes you. The payoff: You move through life with a greater sense of tranquility and purpose. “If you succeed in achieving your outcome, wonderful,” Srikumar says. “And if you don’t succeed, still wonderful, because now you have a new starting point, and from that new starting point, you select another outcome and keep going. And when you do that, you will find that every day is a blast.” Jaya Rao would approve. Listen to our Podcast with Srikumar Rao about How to Stop Negative Mental Chatter Shelley Levitt is a freelance writer based in Southern California, and an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

relationships

Gretchen Rubin’s Strategies for the Holidays

The holidays can be a joyous time,but for some of us, they can alsoherald the coming of a series ofchallenges that can distract us fromjoyfully engaging with our loved ones. Here are a few strategies for easingsome of the holiday stress at family gatherings: 1. Try not to ruffle feathers You maybe intending to show polite interest,but questions such as, “When are yougetting married and starting a family?”can rub a person the wrong way.Instead, show your interest with moreopen-ended questions like, “What areyou up to these days?” 2. Avoid strife If you know Uncle Bobby’s political views drive you crazy,don’t bring them up! And if he bringsup the subject, don’t engage him. Makea joke of it, and say something like,“Let’s not talk about that, and givethe rest of the family something to bethankful for.” 3. Don't drink too much Whileit makes some people merry, alcoholcan make others combative, self-pityingand even destructive, so avoid imbibingtoo much for your own sake. Also, ifyou notice people trying to curb theirdrinking, don’t make a fuss of it or urgethem to indulge. 4. Play your part in traditions Chances are, traditionsare important for some of your familymembers. Though your brother’sinsistence on having exactly the samefood every Thanksgiving may irritate you, try to stay patient. 5. Don't strive for perfection As my mother told me, “The thingsthat go wrong often make the bestmemories.” 6. Watch what you eat Feelingbad about eating too much can makeyou irritable and angry, which can thennegatively affect your interactions.And, similar to drinking, if you noticesomeone skimping on dessert, don’tcomment or make it harder for himor her. 7. Find fun If the time with yourrelatives is meant to be fun, spend atleast some of it doing something that’s fun for you. 8. Think of reasons to be grateful Be thankful that you get tocook (or that you don’t have to cook). Bethankful that you get to travel (or thatyou don’t have to travel). Be thankfulfor your family or your friends. In theprocess, you’ll give your happiness aboost and crowd out resentment andannoyance. 9. Adjust your behavior Ifyou encounter difficult relatives, youcan’t do anything to change them;you can only change yourself. And inmany situations, people behave in adifficult way as a reaction to somethingor someone else. So, if you behavedifferently, they may, too. This year, make this holiday seasonone where you focus on spendingquality time with the people whomatter most to you and creatingmemories. After all, that’s what theholidays are really about. Gretchen Rubin is the bestselling author ofThe Happiness Project Happier at Home, and Better than Before. Read about Gretchen's adventures atGretchenRubin.com.

Lifestyle

9 Ways to Make the Most of Thanksgiving

If you love Thanksgiving but your traditions are getting a little tired, we’ve got you covered. With a little creative planning, you can make this year’s Thanksgiving the most festive and fun-filled yet. 1. Plan ahead for the day you want It sounds simple, but your ideal holiday won’t materialize unless you make it happen. Maybe you envision a formal Thanksgiving dinner complete with centerpieces, nameplates and an elegant menu. If that’s your plan, spell it out ahead of time. If you want potluck, paper plates, jeans and football, plan that and let people know. Share your desires openly with family, i.e. “I hope you will stay all day so we can have lots of time together”—to create the day you want. 2. Think about timing It may sound like a no-brainer, but the timing of your dinner can impact the entire day. If you call your mealtime too early, you might get stressed with the-time crunch of meal prep (unless you’ve done most of it in the days before). Some like to eat later in order to enjoy appetizers and the anticipation of the holiday meal all day. Or maybe you have guests who are going to be glued to a particular football game during the day. Consider all of these variables and plan accordingly. 3. Relax your expectations Without dwelling on it, acknowledge something will likely go wrong with your day, but that’s OK. A quirky uncle might say something, well, quirky. Someone might not show up who said they would. If you want to have the best possible holiday, roll with the punches. (Rest assured: No one’s Thanksgiving is perfect.) Read more: 3 Secrets to Happiness This Holiday Season 4. Set up a kids’ table Let the kiddos help make construction-paper place mats for their special table. It’s fun for kids to eat away from the adults, and you are likely to hear lots of giggles, too. 5. Take a moment to observe Take a moment during the festivities to stop doing and just notice what is happening all around you. Watch your family as an observer; what do you see? When we stop scurrying around in host (or guest) mode, we can absorb our blessings: family, friends, a nice home, good food, our health, a break from work, laughter and more. When you stop to pay attention, we enjoy the day more fully and create vivid memories. Read more: How to Be Present 6. Embrace the nap While it’s a myth that the tryptophan in turkey makes you sleepy, the energy your body needs to burn through a big meal can wipe you out. If everyone in your family wants to take a nap or rest after eating, embrace it! When everyone wakes, the celebration can continue. 7. Take a walk So much food, so many people, so much indoor time—you could really use a little fresh air to slow your day down and take a moment to breathe in the crisp air. Walking after a big meal wakes you up and helps you digest. Even if it’s cold, bundle up and enjoy your holiday with a brisk walk. Read more: Naturally Happy 8. Don’t clean up right away Thanksgiving dinner can take hours to prepare, and if you start cleaning up as soon as your meal is finished, when do you actually get to enjoy it? Cleaning up also can send the unintended message that it’s time for guests to stop conversing and start helping or even leave. Enjoy the conversation fully before you pick up all the plates. Consider having dessert an hour or more after dinner to encourage family members and friends to relax, connect and stick around for a while. 9. Remember what the day is about It’s isn’t just turkey, football and pies. Thanksgiving is truly about coming together as a family to give thanks. Focus on your blessings, and your own happiness and appreciation will infuse your holiday and guests with joy. Read more: 8 Easy Practices to Enhance Gratitude Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

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