Live Happy's 33 Ways to Say I Love You

33 Ways to Say I Love You

Love is a mighty force that can make us bashful or bold. But most of all, love comes from those special people in our lives that make our worlds go 'round. Whether your Valentine is a new romantic partner, your 6-year-old grandchild—or even loyal pooch, make sure to spend some quality time together and let them know how much they mean to you! 1. Turn off the phone, tablet and TV and LISTEN to those you love. 2. Watch When Harry Met Sally. 3. Read Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. 4. Listen to "Lovesong" by The Cure. Je t'aime!" 6. Watch The Princess Bride. 7. Bake cupcakes from scratch on a cloudy Sunday afternoon. 8. Buy your pet a special treat or toy. 9. "The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." —Rumi 10. Watch Shakespeare in Love. 11. Read Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want by Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D. 12. Scrape the ice off your spouse's windshield before you leave for work. Te amo!" 14. Listen to "Smooth Sailin'" by Leon Bridges. Minä rakastan sinua!" 16. Read anything by Nicholas Sparks. 17. Buy and wrap a present for a loved one for no reason. 18. "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."—Albert Einstein 19. "A loving heart is the truest wisdom." —Charles Dickens 20. Listen to "(Girl We Got a) Good Thing" by Weezer. Aloha wau ia 'oe!" 22. Read Love 2.0 by Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D. 23. Send a Thank You note—not for a physical gift but for a cherished friendship. 24. Listen to "Candy" by Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson. 25. Listen to "Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel.  Σε αγαπώ! 27. "Can miles truly separate you from your friends...if you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?"—Richard Bach 28. Read Rumi's Little Book of Love and Laughter by Coleman Barks. 29. Watch Say Anything. 30. Listen to anything by Luther Vandross. 31. "But we loved with a love that was more than love."—Edgar Allan Poe Jeg elsker dig!" 33. Say I love You!! Check out our Valentines Day Ultimate Gift Guide, here. Read more: 6 Relationship Resolutions for Valentines Day
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Couple holding hands

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Although the movies would have us believe otherwise, a long, happy marriage isn’t a matter of simply finding the right person. Lasting love requires commitment and developing healthy habits that can sustain through both good and bad times. It’s not just about romance; as it turns out, there’s actually a science to making love last. James O. Pawelski, Ph.D., and Suzann Pileggi Pawelski are more than just positive psychology experts; they are a married couple who looks at relationships through the lens of positive psychology. Their new book, Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts, shares their insight along with innovative strategies for building stronger, healthier unions. LIVE HAPPY: Many books explain how to achieve greater happiness; what made you want to write about the topic of happiness specifically as it relates to couples? JAMES & SUZANN: Although there were many excellent research studies demonstrating the potential to help couples, no one had put them together into an easily accessible format or book. There was a lot of interest on the topic, but not much out there in the popular media. We saw writing the book together as a shared project we could undertake to help develop and strengthen our own marriage while simultaneously providing a resource that could help other couples, as well. LH: What’s the biggest misconception people have about happiness and relationships? J&S: That “happily ever after” just happens. That’s not the case, except in fairy tales and films. LH: How does your book help change that perception? J&S: It demonstrates, through scientific research and real-life examples, that healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. Becoming happy together is an ongoing process comprised of sustained effort and conscious cultivation of healthy habits. LH: Were there any new things that you learned about your relationship through the process of writing this book together? J&S: That our unique strengths that initially attracted us to one another and helped build our bond are also the strengths that, when not understood and respected in one another, can cause pain and misunderstanding. LH: Aspects of each of you shine through in this book—and really serve as a great illustration of how you apply the give and take in a relationship. How did you work through any challenges that arose from developing/writing this book? J&S: We practiced mindfulness meditation. At times when we needed a breather, that’s what we literally did. We took a break and some deep breaths. We were then able to return to the task at hand and work together better. LH: Although it’s about happiness as a couple, this book also is a great introduction to positive psychology for those who haven’t yet experienced it. How do you think people can use these relationship lessons in other areas of their lives? J&S: We feel that the interaction model of strengths that we developed—an approach that focuses on not just how we express love, gratitude and kindness, for example, but also how we respond to them—are important for all relationships. This approach can be used and practiced in our daily interactions, not just with our spouses and romantic partners but also with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. LH: What’s the No. 1 thing you hope readers take away from your book? J&S: Building love that lasts takes effort. It doesn’t just happen. And that effort needs to be well directed. A good way to direct that effort is to find and feed the good in yourself and your partner, rather than focusing on problems and what’s wrong in the relationship. And scientific research in positive psychology gives specific, effective ways of finding and feeding the good. Read more: Love and Happiness and The Power of Passion Listen to our podcast: How to Build Love That Lasts With Suzann Pawelski and James Pawelski Paula Felpsis the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Woman lifting a heavy weight in a gym.

Let Your Workout Lift Your Life

Staci Ardison of Austin, Texas, believed she’d be happy if she lost weight. She went on a diet and started doing cardio; she lost the weight, but didn’t find the happiness she expected. At a friend’s suggestion, she tried powerlifting, a form of competitive weightlifting. Progressing from deadlifting 135 pounds to 315 pounds and also adding 50 pounds to both her overhead press and bench press in six months did more than lift her spirits. “You pick up a bar and nothing else really matters because it’s so empowering,” Staci says. “Knowing what my body was capable of made me very happy and excited.” Staci discovered that powerlifting’s progressive nature (each week, more weight is added) and team atmosphere made her more confident about speaking her mind and more at ease meeting new people. “It takes time, but as you start lifting more [weight] and realizing who you are and what you’re capable of, what other people think doesn’t matter as much anymore,” Staci says. She found herself moving past the crippling shyness she’d experienced since childhood, easily making friends after recent moves. “Before I started [powerlifting], I would have never talked to anyone, anywhere,” she says. As Staci learned, a departure from your routine can have profound effects on your body, mindset and spirit—and this is especially true when it comes to fitness. If you want to feel happier, more confident and strong-minded, sometimes it’s best to put down the self-help books, postpone the therapy appointment and hit the gym instead. Workouts that push your limits can challenge you mentally and stretch your boundaries. “It’s going to be a little uncomfortable at times,” explains Ariane Machin, Ph.D., clinical and sports psychologist and co-founder of the Conscious Coaching Collective, an agency focused on programs to help clients embrace their power and find their inner voices. “Your muscles will be burning, you’ll be breathing faster than you would like, [and you’ll be facing] the psychological barrier of, ‘Can I actually do this?’ ” According to Ariane, you should embrace that unpleasant feeling because it’s a positive sign of change. These levels of discomfort can also be an asset: As your fight-or-flight system becomes engaged, your heart rate goes up, blood circulates, more oxygen is supplied to the brain and you are primed for better performance. Building a base As Staci’s example shows us, toughing it out during exercise can also help you find your footing outside the gym. Studies show that exercise helps with confidence, mood, happiness and stress resilience. Using data from 15 European countries and more than 10,000 respondents, a 2015 study published in the open access journal BMC Public Health determined that more exercise was associated with greater happiness. Another 2015 study from the University of Turku in Finland found that young men and working adults with good physical fitness felt more active, energetic, capable and confident in their daily tasks, and experienced less stress. The gradual process Staci used to gain muscle demonstrates exactly how strength should be built. According to Daniel Rockers, Ph.D., a Sacramento-based clinical health psychologist, building strength—whether while working out or in life—requires getting out of your comfort zone. Gradually and progressively pushing yourself out of that zone, he says, can get you used to overcoming stress, instead of being overwhelmed by it. Practicing a sport or exercise where you’re consistently pushing the envelope makes you more resilient to stressors in other areas of life, as both exercise and dealing with stress both involve periods of work and rest. Happy hormones are also created during exercise, whether it’s moderate or intense. Janet Schrager, Ph.D., says that endorphins produced through movement cause an exercise-induced mood boost, often called runner’s high, will make you feel more positive. For maximum benefit, Janet recommends aiming to work out at least 30 minutes, five times per week. She often prescribes aerobic activities—the best type of exercise for promoting endorphin-releasing oxygen—such as swimming, running or biking. “I always recommend movement and exercise as a critical component for well-being and positivity,” Janet says. Research exploring the connection between exercise and positivity found that taking a brisk 35-minute walk five times a week subdued symptoms of mild depression, and the mood-boosting impact of exercise appears to last longer than taking antidepressants, according to a study referenced in Harvard Health Publications. Working out also improves focus, increases cognition and boosts creative insight, Janet adds. Discover new ways of thinking Two months ago, online pet insurance entrepreneur Nick Braun felt his business and personal life were in a rut. He decided to shake up his solo exercise routine by taking group classes. Plunging himself into an unfamiliar environment with new-to-him exercises that he enjoyed revitalized his personal life. “[The classes] really reinvigorated me physically and mentally with my business,” Nick says. He started making creative adjustments to his business such as modifying his website design and opening an Instagram account. Nick’s experience reflects scientific findings: In 2016, research published in Scientific Reports found that one aerobic exercise session significantly enhanced both visual and muscle learning in study subjects. What’s more: This effect can last more than 30 minutes post-exercise, leading researchers to believe that exercise of moderate intensity may improve the brain’s plasticity (the ability of the brain to change). Another 2014 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology performed experiments showing that walking boosted performance on a creativity test. Nick definitely found this to be true. He discovered that attending classes—a blend of butt-kicking strength training, cardio and stretching—in a female-dominated environment sparked ideas on how to market to his business’ similarly female-saturated market. Observing how the female owners marketed their club—from the way they designed their logo to the colors and layout of their studio—helped him understand he had been approaching marketing his business from a purely analytical perspective. He shifted his approach by hiring copywriters and other creative experts to help him achieve his newly inspired creative vision. Outside-the-box fitness New York health coach Samantha Elkrief also experienced a change in outlook from hitting the gym. Samantha always thought of herself as skinny and frail; she was convinced she would never be considered a strong woman. In fact, she was so afraid she’d fail at building strength that she never even tried. But, after being diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014 and learning that exercise could help counteract the condition, she joined a gym, hired a personal trainer and started strength training. When her trainer suggested box jumping—a muscle-building activity that requires squatting, lifting both feet off the ground in one explosive movement and landing on top of a box, she was terrified. “Trusting my body to take both feet off the ground at the same time and jump on this crazy box had me freaking out,” she recalls. But Samantha made it onto the box that day, and eventually, she was box jumping up to 20 inches. That exercise was just one of the confidence-building movements Samantha learned while working out. “I used to think that I couldn’t get good at something I wasn’t inherently good at. But the gym flipped that around for me,” she says. A confidence boost Samantha’s confidence followed her outside of the gym: She took up new hobbies, regardless of whether she thought she’d excel at them, including food photography and painting classes. At work, she fostered new business alliances and began submitting articles to publications. “Pushing myself at the gym gave me so much more confidence,” she says. “In life, you don’t often get 10 opportunities to push yourself out of your comfort zone in an hour. At the gym, you do. And it retrains your brain.” Whether you’re building strength and confidence like Staci and Samantha, or making changes in life and business like Nick, it’s best to start small and work your way up. According to Pax Tandon, Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based positive psychology expert, you can take your first small step by changing the way you breathe. Breathing mindfully will help combat the fear and anxiety that may stop you from getting to your workout. Don't forget to breathe To begin, try this breathing exercise: Count four seconds to inhale, hold for four counts, then exhale for six counts. As you inhale, concentrate on breathing in positives like optimism, calm and positivity; as you hold, clear your mind and breathe out negative emotions like stress and anger. Practice this cycle for one minute a day to start. Then, increase the minutes you practice as you get more comfortable. Eventually, muscle memory takes over and you will begin to naturally breathe mindfully. This process will bring calming oxygen to your brain and inspire a trend: Your breathing will help you make it to your workouts and your workouts will help you develop your breathing even more, which will help you tackle further ventures outside your comfort zone. “[Without breathing mindfully] we end up in states of panic or fear. The breath gets very shallow and short, which works against us,” Pax says. Another positive step, Ariane points out, is that changing damaging thought patterns may help you push your limits. One pattern that may need to be countered is comparison syndrome—bringing yourself down by comparing yourself with others. Ariane advises that you remember everyone’s process and strengths are different. You can oust the comparative mindset with gratitude and self-appreciation by performing daily gratitude lists and viewing your weaknesses as strengths. Instead of thinking “I wish my body were different,” try “I appreciate what my body does for me.” For Samantha, who sometimes deals with comparison syndrome in yoga class or on Facebook, staying focused on her own accomplishments—and deleting the Facebook app from her phone to minimize her feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out)—helps the 33-year-old entrepreneur sidestep these comparison traps. But despite the challenges you may encounter along the way, taking yourself out of your comfort zone is certainly worthwhile. “It makes you a different person,” Samantha says. Carimé Lane is a Vancouver-based freelance writer. Several years ago she found the sport of boxing, which never fails to push her outside her comfort zone.
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Cute couple with hearts over their eyes.

6 Relationship Resolutions for Valentines Day

After New Year's and all through January we get that itch to practice better self-care, become healthier and focus on positive changes we can make in the year ahead. By February most of us have lost our New Year’s mojo. But wait! Here comes Valentine's Day, filling every grocery store with red hearts and symbols of love. Why not use this loving reminder to trigger actions that fall under the category of “relationship care?” Many of us get so wrapped up in the details and stresses of our daily lives that we do not take time out to truly focus our time and energy on our intimate relationships. It does not matter if you believe in the calendar holiday of Valentine's Day, or if you and your partner even trade gifts or cards. The important thing is to take time out to put some emotional and romantic focus on your relationship by stopping to create some relationship resolutions. 1. Have fun together Do you ever find yourself wrapped up in the logistics and monotony of life to the point that you are too busy to have fun? Are fun experiences few and far between in your relationship these days? It doesn’t matter if it’s just the two of you, the entire family or a large group, finding time to laugh and be joyful together is important in every intimate relationship. Take time out to explore ideas that will infuse some happiness into your relationship. Start up a new hobby or activity together, or go back to doing something fun that the two of you have not done together in years. If you don’t have the time or money for a vacation, have a snowball fight, tickle each other until you laugh so hard it hurts or take part in a new adventure. Try that new Moroccan restaurant where you sit on the floor. Go bowling! Read more: 4 Ways to Reignite the Spark and Reconnect With Your Partner 2. Use technology to connect instead of disconnect We are all distracted by and sometimes addicted to our phones, computers and social media. We get so drawn into technology that it pulls us out of the present, where we could be interacting with the people we love. Instead of using your devices to disconnect, use them to connect. Do you find yourself on your phone when you are at dinner with your mate or next to one another in bed? Are you more likely to read a story on Facebook than to tell your partner something that happened that day? Are there moments when you are both sitting on the couch staring at your devices instead of looking into each other’s eyes? Instead, pick up your phone and send your partner a romantic text message. Text him or her a photo from the past of the two of you enjoying yourselves. Post a gushing shout-out on Facebook for the world to see how much you appreciate the amazing dinner he or she cooked, or for the fact that your lawn is always mowed or that you are married to someone who's a terrific parent. 3. Put quality time on the schedule It is very easy for us to get caught up in your jobs, household chores, children, etc. Often it’s your primary relationship that takes the hit in all this overwhelm. Do you ever find yourself so busy after dinner that you fall into bed without even having a conversation? Have you realized that the two of you have not talked about how much you love or adore one another in a long time? While these things can be common in relationships, they do not allow for the type of quality time that couples need to feel truly connected. Plan a weekly or monthly date night for the two of you. Schedule an annual or biannual getaway or stay-cation (where the kids leave and you stay home) so you can have an extended period of time together - alone. 4. Evaluate, adjust and improve When you build a business, you stop frequently to evaluate progress and makes changes accordingly. Relationships work in very much the same way. It is important to take stock of how your relationship is doing. Are you happy with the level of intimacy and time spent together? Do you feel like you handle conflict efficiently? Are you managing your finances as a couple in a way that is working for you? Make a resolution to assess these things and more, make adjustments and improvements as needed. Learn from your past, so you can make your future better. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win 5. Resolve to watch your tone and language We should be making the greatest effort to be kind and loving to our intimate partners, and yet for a variety of reasons, they often get the business end of our abuse, contempt or anger. Do you find yourself asking your partner to help you with something without saying please or thank you? Do you have a tendency to raise your voice when a kinder, softer tone could be better? Do you verbally express how much you love and appreciate your partner more often than not? Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to be mindful of how you speak and what you say, and make a greater effort to have the majority of what comes out of your mouth be kinder and more loving. Spend more time saying things like “I am so lucky to have you” and “You are the best!” instead of things like “It’s so annoying when you leave your towel on the bathroom floor” or “Move over, you are hogging the bed.” Walk in with a smile, or laugh off what might be a slightly irritating situation instead of rolling your eyes or mumbling under your breath. 6. Make an effort to focus on the little things While everyone loves a grand gesture of love and adoration, most couples I talk to are grateful if some of the little things are attended to in the relationship. Does your partner like a back rub? Wish you would wash the dishes as soon as you use them? Want you to send a text message to check in at some point in the day? Ask yourself if you have taken the time out to truly listen to some of the smaller things that your partner desires. While big issues can create conflict and distance in relationships, often a big list of little problems can do just as much damage. Show your partner that he or she is important by making an effort to listen and respond to some of the smaller things that may take less time and energy but will send a big message of love. We all know that most New Year’s resolutions fizzle out because people overreach. They want to lose 30 pounds or overhaul their career all at once. Relationship resolutions are not all-or-nothing propositions. Pick the ones you think you can achieve; have fun with them; resolve to try harder, do better and be closer. Invest time and energy into your partnership and you will be rewarded 10-fold. Read more: 8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine's Day Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.
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Get Better Sleep to Thrive at Work

Do you sleep at least eight hours every night? If not, here’s what may be happening to you. You are more likely to: Take longer to do your work. Come up with fewer and less accurate solutions to work problems. Choose easier work (like listening to voice messages) over harder work (like creative problem solving and planning) Be much less creative and strategic. Say that you don’t like your job and other things in your life (a general mood-depressing effect of less sleep). Act in unethical ways, like padding a travel expense report. And the worst part? When you are sleep deprived, you don’t recognize that you are sleep deprived and suffering the effects that go along with it. For example, if you’re driving, you may think you’re still in control of the car even when you’re sleepy, but you’re not. We are not good judges of our own abilities at that point. The previous examples come from a powerful book released this fall, Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams, by University of California, Berkeley professor Matthew Walker, Ph.D. According to Matthew, the most important step you can take is to start going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. How do you know if you’re getting enough sleep? Matthew suggests asking yourself these questions: Are you sleeping eight hours per day? Can you wake up every day without an alarm clock? If around 10 or 11 a.m., someone offered you a cozy sleeping area, would you take them up on that? Do you need your coffee before noon to function optimally? The Biggest Snoozer In the TV show The Biggest Loser, contestants compete to see who can shed the most weight by the end of the season. At many companies, employees hold contests where each week they encourage one another to make healthy food choices and to exercise, often donating the weekly kitty to charity or a fun team-building event. What if you started a competition at your workplace called "The Biggest Snoozer?" Instead of tracking the number of pounds lost, you could track the number of hours slept. Imagine how much more productive and happy you would all be. No more cranky bosses. No more finger-pointing because someone didn’t make a deadline. No more angry outbursts because someone is dead-tired. In the book, Matthew shows how your basic health may be affected by not getting enough ZZZs, drawing relationships between shorter sleep and the common cold, immunity problems, and even cancer and heart disease. Our advice for getting a good night’s sleep and feeling refreshed the next day? Margaret suggests eliminating caffeine. Or, if you really must have it, don’t drink it after 1 p.m. And shut down screens, be it computer or TV, starting at least one hour before bedtime. Senia recommends getting into bed by 9:30 p.m. If you read in bed, try a real book, not an e-book, to avoid the bright screen. Turn the lights off by 10:30 p.m. Read more: 8 Expert Tips for Better, More Restful Sleep MARGARET H. GREENBERG and SENIA MAYMIN, Ph.D., are sought-after executive coaches, speakers and positive psychology practitioners, and the authors of the bookProfit From the Positive. Find more information about their coaching and certificate programs atProfitFromthePositive.com.
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Woman with cat on her lap reading a book.

What the Heck is Hygge?

It sounds like something you might say after a sneeze. Or a new fermented superfood. But hygge—pronounced HOO-ga—is, in fact, the latest happiness export from Denmark. Hygge is the subject of more than 20 new books, with titles like Hygge Habits, How to Hygge and the bestselling Little Book of Hygge. There are hygge-inspired cookbooks and even primers to get rid of clutter. Teapots, knitting kits, macramé wall hangings and especially candles are all being sold with the promise that they are hyggelig. At hyggelife.com you can buy reindeer antlers, deerskin rugs and goatskin throws. And an email for a silk and leather eye mask landed in my inbox with the assurance that “There are no rules. You can hygge alone if you feel like it.” So, what the heck is hygge? It’s a concept that doesn’t have a direct English translation. “Coziness” is the word that comes closest. Fuzzy socks might be involved in a hyggelig Saturday, as well as unscented candles, an alpaca blanket, a stew bubbling on the stove and the company of good friends. When you’re immersed in hygge, a calico cat could well be nestled nearby. Behind the mystery of Danish happiness Meik Wiking, CEO of the Copenhagen-based Happiness Research Institute and author of The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living, believes that hygge might help answer the question of what makes the Danes so darn happy. In 2016, Denmark earned the top spot in a ranking of more than 150 counties in the World Happiness Report, the annual survey that the World Happiness Institute conducts to mark the International Day of Happiness. It was the second time in the survey’s four years that Denmark came out on top. “Hygge is about an atmosphere and an experience rather than about things,” Meik writes. “It is about being with the people we love. A feeling of home. A feeling that we are safe, that we are shielded from the world and allow ourselves to let your guard down. You may be having an endless conversation about the small or big things in your life—or just be comfortable in each other’s silent company—or simply just be by yourself enjoying a cup of tea.” Though it has become the latest lifestyle trend, hygge dates back hundreds of years and originates from the Norwegian word for “well-being.” Alex Beauchamp, who grew up on a small farm in Denmark, now lives in Topanga, California, and blogs at HyggeHouse.com, says that Danes created hygge because they were trying to survive the boredom, cold and sameness of the long Scandinavian winters, where darkness lasts up to 17 hours a day. “Hygge was a way for them to find moments to celebrate or acknowledge and to break up the day, months or years,” she writes. With so many cold, dark days, the simple act of a candle glowing with a cup of coffee in the morning or a home cooked evening meal with friends can make a huge difference to one’s spirit.” There’s a lot worth embracing in hygge. It celebrates tenets of positive psychology like savoring and being in the moment. But even Meik admits that hygge has a dark side, one that includes the Dane’s chilliness to newcomers. Danes are not good at inviting new people into their social circles, he writes, “because it would be considered less hyggelit if there were too many new people at an event.” Getting too hygge can keep you marooned in your comfort zone. So, by all means light candles (every Dane burns an average of 13 pounds of candle wax a year), bake a rye bread, create a hyggekrog, a nook in your home where you can snuggle up with a blanket and a book. But remember, as Alex says, “Living well is more than organic fruit. Please go out there and do. Live. Don’t be the same as yesterday. Don’t live vicariously online. Don’t hide. … Go outside. Make a difference, make some change.” Shelley Levitt is a freelance journalist based in Southern California and editor at large for Live Happy magazine.
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5 Steps to a More Confident You with Carin Rockind

Carin Rockind is a leading happiness expert, media personality, and the creator of PurposeGirl, a movement to empower purpose-driven living. She has taught thousands of people real-life strategies to reclaim their happiness, and live to their fullest potential of success and well-being. What you'll learn in this podcast: How to find your purpose Why it is important to take action towards your goals now How to use midlife for a catalyst instead of a crisis Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Use code livehappy to download a free chapter from Pebbles in the Pond: Wave Three!
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Woman setting goals on her laptop.

Keep the Change

Linda Allen was 9 years old when she decided she wanted to join the baseball team. Unfazed by the fact that no girl had ever been allowed on the all-boy team, she asked the coach what skills she’d need, then set an ambitious goal. After two months of practicing and focusing solely on her goal, she tried out. Not only did Linda become the first girl ever to make the team, but she snagged the coveted second baseman spot just as she’d envisioned. “My parents instilled it in me to set my goals high, work hard and never settle for less,” says Linda, now a successful insurance agent in Fort Worth, Texas. “Even then, I knew if I walked onto the field with no preparation, I would have failed.” That valuable lesson set the stage for Linda’s future. She has seen goal setting work in both her personal and professional life, and also raised her sons to use goal setting in everything from academics to their careers. “It’s not rocket science,” she says. “You create a system that works for you and then own it and use it.” Set realistic goals As a new year begins and many people make all-or-nothing resolutions (lose 20 pounds!) in hopes of creating change in their lives, experts instead encourage us to set goals with a clear plan. For example, create a weekly exercise plan and stick to it; and start cooking at least four meals a week at home. The numbers back up the experts; while just 8 percent of resolutions are successfully kept, people who set goals show a success rate of 90 percent. “Even if the goal doesn’t happen the way you wanted, by using the planning and execution, you know you have given it your best,” Linda says. “So you don’t feel like a failure, you readjust and win with the best outcome possible for you.” Understand the "Why" of goal-setting Knowing what drives us to set goals, and why they’re important, may affect how we structure our goal-setting process. “The thing that encourages us to set goals is that we see some gap in our lives,” explains Jan Stanley, who has a master’s of applied positive psychology from University of Pennsylvania and has helped organizations and Fortune 500 companies develop goal-setting strategies. The first key, she says, is to make sure our goals and values align. “We all have things we hold dear, whether it’s our family, saving the planet or just wanting to get more out of life,” Jan explains. Examining what’s important to you personally, and then using those values-based intentions to create goals, builds the foundation for successfully setting attainable targets. When Linda makes a goal, she defines it, writes down the steps needed to reach it and then prioritizes those steps so she can make them part of her daily actions. According to Jan, that method is exactly what it takes to make our goals more accessible. Make it part of a routine “One of the things that is so powerful about implementing actionable steps into our routine is that we know what we’re going to do today,” Jan says. “Now we’re no longer wondering what we should or could do; we know what we need to do today to reach that long-term goal.” Much-cited research from Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D., a pioneer in goal-setting theory, shows that the more specific the goal, the better the individuals trying to reach that target will do. As you work toward your goal, several things happen in your brain that propel you toward success. Each day you follow that routine, you reinforce it as a habit and gain momentum. And, when you accomplish your daily objective, your dopamine system—the neurotransmitter that doles out rewards—creates a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction, which is important to keep your brain’s motivation and incentive high. That’s important to keep us going, Jan says. “We have these lofty goals of what we want to accomplish, but there’s so much work to do and so many off-ramps that can divert our attention,” she explains. “If we have a way for our brains to experience rewards throughout the process, we’re more likely to keep with it.” Think of scaling Mount Everest: It’s not going to happen in a day, so it’s the day-to-day progress that keeps you motivated. Setting yourself up for success As much as we’ve been taught to dial in to our willpower, it may be our brainpower that proves to be the stronger ally when it comes to setting and achieving goals. Learning to use creative techniques, like visualization, can help prime your brain for accomplishing that goal. “When we envision something happening, our brain treats it as something we’ve already done,” Jan explains. “That’s why psychologists work with athletes to envision themselves doing things like breaking through the tape first. Our brains can’t tell the difference between when you’re visualizing it and when you’re actually doing it.” You can reinforce that visualization by writing about it. The Best Possible Future Self writing exercise, developed by Laura King, Ph.D., of the University of Missouri, Columbia, has become a popular practice for achieving goals. Its effectiveness lies in connecting your sense of accomplishment with a clear-cut vision of what the future looks like, Jan says. In this exercise, participants write in vivid detail what their lives will look like when that goal is achieved. They describe how they feel and what they’re doing. The writing becomes a sort of road map for the future and makes it easier to detfine what steps should be taken and can help establish priorities. In other words, it becomes an outline for your own personal success. “Most of us really want to make a contribution with our lives,” Jan notes. “Can we be happy without ever setting goals? Maybe. But when you’re looking at making a contribution and finding meaning in your life, goals help clarify that contribution, and outline the steps we need to take to make it happen.” Listen to our podcast, How to Make Better Resolutions With Jan Stanley, here. Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.
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We’re Better Together

Michelle Gielan: Shawn, what led you to write your new book, Big Potential? Shawn Achor: Since writing The Happiness Advantage, I had a huge discovery. I became a father as you know [Note: Shawn and Michelle are married happiness researchers], and this has changed so much of my thinking about what creates happiness and meaning. For the past 10 years, I have been sharing positive psychology research on happiness around the world, and yet during that time depression rates and suicide rates have doubled among almost every age group—including for 8-year-olds! We seem to be going in the wrong direction. What is going on that has caused such a dramatic shift, and how do we stop it so our son doesn’t have to live in that world? I believe that there is one main reason why we are seeing elevated rates of anxiety in our schools and unhappiness in the world—a crucial mistake that every major religious tradition and ancient philosopher warned us against. We have been trying to pursue happiness and success by ourselves, in isolation and in competition. We have been told that success is a zero-sum game, and if someone else gets happier you will feel worse in comparison. We’ve also been told that happiness is a private, personal choice, and that you can’t change other people. This leads us to feel disconnected at work, hypercompare on social media and never feel like we are enough. This is what I call “small potential”—believing we have to do all this alone. We have been taught to strip others out of our formula for success and happiness. When you choose to be more grateful and positive, that makes other people around you more grateful and positive as well. This creates a virtuous cycle. I felt like something needed to be done to help people realize that scientifically, the only way to achieve our “big potential” is to transform the pursuit of happiness and success from a solitary one to an interconnected one. Michelle: What is one of the most eye-opening studies from the new book? Shawn: I have lots of new research in the book, but my favorite is not mine. It comes from researchers from the University of Virginia, who originally found that if you look at a hill you need to climb, and you are in a negative state of mind, that hill can look 30 percent steeper than it actually is (cited in Before Happiness). But in the follow-up study, they found something even more amazing: If you judge a hill you need to climb while standing by yourself, your brain perceives that hill as being 20 percent steeper than if you were standing next to a friend who is not even looking in the direction of the hill. Our very perception of reality is transformed by the presence of others. Michelle: Does Big Potential include practical, hands-on advice like your previous books? Shawn: I believe research is useless unless it is lived. Based on more than 40 research studies, we now know that there is a clear path to achieving more success in life while finding more meaning and happiness. Once you’ve made the mindset change that you must pursue happiness and success with others, the book outlines five steps—“SEEDS”—that lead to big potential. They are: - Surround yourself with positive outliers. This allows you to create a star system instead of trying to be a superstar alone. - Extend power to others. This allows you to take the burden of change off your shoulders and let others shine while you focus on your strengths. - Enhance others using prism praise. Instead of trying to raise others up using comparison praise (you’re so much smarter than the other kids), focus on praise that builds up the individual and the supporters that got them there. - Defend the gains. In a hyperconnected world, we need to build up our emotional immune system so that we are not overwhelmed by people seeking small potential. - Sustain the momentum. This chapter is filled with practical ways in which you can help create collective momentum so that it is easier to maintain growth. Michelle: What is your favorite story from the new book? Shawn: It’s actually two stories together, both about flashing. I start the book with a biologist who discovered millions of lightning bugs all lighting up at the exact same time in Indonesia. Biologists and mathematicians didn’t believe him because how could they possibly do it without a leader, and why would they shine together? But it turns out when a lightning bug  ashes alone, they have a 3 percent chance of finding a mate that night. When they flash together, the success rate is 82 percent. It seems we shine brighter together. I pair that with a story at Harvard where as a tradition the students take off their clothes and run through Harvard Yard naked at midnight before exams, flashing all the onlookers. I attempted the run in the buff, but was too shy to go with the group. As soon as I walked out of my room into the snow, naked and barefoot, I realized that letting the group go two minutes ahead of me was a mistake. It meant that everyone would see me alone; in a group, you can’t tell anyone apart on a snowy night. I immediately regretted it, but when I turned to go back inside I realized I had locked myself out of my dorm. To me, that is a perfect metaphor for trying to pursue success alone and in isolation. We are less successful and much more exposed. We are better together. SHAWN ACHOR and MICHELLE GIELAN bring positive psychology to organizations all over the world to fuel happiness and success. Shawn is The New York Times best-selling author of The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. His TED Talk has over 5 million views and millions have seen his PBS program. Michelle is the founder of the Institute for Applied Positive Research and formerly served as a national news anchor for CBS News. She holds a master’s degree in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and recently published the book Broadcasting Happiness. Visit them at shawnachor.com and michellegielan.com.
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Top 10 Books That Will Change Your Life in 2017

Set aside some reading time and stock your shelves with these 10 exceptional new books, which cover a range of illuminating topics from the way technology affects our well-being to how to live a compassionate life. Make 2017 happier and more fulfilling by giving yourself the gift of continued learning. 1. The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-Being In the Digital Era by Amy Blankson Overwhelmed by the flood of apps and information online? Discover how to navigate technology in a way that enhances your happiness. Amy Blankson, cofounder of the digital consulting firm GoodThink, reveals five strategies to thrive in the digital age. Start by using your power of choice to scan for the positive. Learn how to use technology as a sixth sense to better understand yourself and the world around you. 2. The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living by Meik Wiking We've heard countless times that Danes are the happiest people in the world, and hygge, which translates roughly as "cozy" or "homey," may be the key, according to Meik Wiking, CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen. Breaking bread with friends at a table topped with flickering candles; curling up in front of a fire with a good book—these are prime examples of hygge-based happiness. Curling up in front of a fire with a book about hygge? Double-Danish happiness! 3. The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu Your personal hardships can turn to joy. Nobel Peace Prize laureates His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu credit personal experiences of hardship and oppression for their eventual ability to lead the joyful lives they live today. Discover the eight pillars of joy to overcome fear, stress, anger, grief and illness. Suffering might be inevitable, according to this dynamic duo, but how we respond to it is our choice. 4. How to Live a Good Life: Soulful Stories, Surprising Science, and Practical Wisdom by Jonathan Fields Author and entrepreneur Jonathan Fields believes a good life is made up of three buckets: a bucket of vitality, a bucket of connection and a bucket of contribution. Using science-backed and actionable tips, he shows the reader how to fill each of these buckets in just 30 days. Tap into your purpose, the book advises, and do meaningful work in order to vastly improve your life and find maximum happiness. 5. Getting Grit: The Evidence-Based Approach to Cultivating Passion, Perseverance, and Purpose byCaroline Miller Positive psychology author and coach Caroline Miller believes our level of grit is fundamental to living a fulfilled life. This guidebook to building grit offers self-assessment tools, daily exercises and life tips to boost courage and willpower. She explores the key traits of gritty people, how true grit inspires others and how humility and self-compassion also play a role in authentic grit. 6. The Dog's Guide to Your Happiness: Seven Secrets for a Better Life from Man's Best Friend by Garry McDaniel and Sharon Massen Want to be happier? Look to your pooch! Our canine companions can show us what authentic joy is truly about, say authors Garry McDaniel and Sharon Massen, both professors at Franklin University. The book explores seven traits that are essential for happiness through the eyes of our trusted furry friends. We can learn how to let go of stress, the book advises, and get lost in the art of play by watching our dogs just do their thing. Our furry friends can also show us the value of loyalty and unconditional love. 7. At Home in the World: Stories and Essential Teachings from a Monk's Life by Thich Nhat Hanh Put the power of hope to work in your life. Peace activist and Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh draws from his travels as well as stories and traditions from his childhood in rural Vietnam to share important life insights and lessons. “Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today,” he writes. 8. Mindshift: Break Through Obstacles to Learning and Discover Your Hidden Potential by Barbara Oakley, Ph.D. Learn how to uncover and develop talents you don’t realize you had—no matter what your age or background. Instead of just following your passions, discover how to broaden your passions. InMindshift, Barbara Oakley, Ph.D., draws on neuroscientific insights to turn perceived weaknesses into strengths and overcome preconceptions with the right mindset. Feeling behind if you start a new career path later in life? Use the skills you’ve already acquired to bring valuable insights to a new discipline. 9. The Leading Brain: Powerful Science-Based Strategies for Achieving Peak Performance by Friederike Fabritius and Hans W. Hagemann Use the latest research in brain science to improve how you perform and iteract at work. Combining their expertise in neuropsychology and management consulting, neuropsychologist Friederike Fabritius and leadership expert Hans W. Hagemann, Ph.D., show how to sharpen your focus, improve your performance, retain information, make better complex decisions and cultivate trust to build strong teams. 10. The Big Picture: A Guide to Finding Your Purpose in Life by Christine B. Whelan If you’ve ever wondered what you are going to do with your life, this book is for you. Though aimed at college graduates, The Big Picture is a guide for anyone who would like to discover their talents and create a fulfilling career and life. Author Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D. uses quizzes and leading questions such as, "What are my talents? How can I use them to help others and create meaning? in order to help each reader find a path to a purposeful life. Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO ofTheMediaConcierge.net.
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