Teenagers hanging out.

Know When to Intervene With Your Teen

Part of adolescent development involves gaining independence, making good choices and learning the skills required to successfully move into adulthood. As a therapist and parent of two older children, I have experienced—both personally and professionally—the dilemma of not knowing whether to intervene or stay away when a teen is having trouble. As parents we have a daunting challenge to strike a balance between hovering on the one hand and being too distant or disconnected on the other. From a psychological point of view, it is very important that we let our kids have the autonomy to make mistakes on their own. It will improve their self-esteem and ability to cope in the world and will increase their skills set to take on more difficult challenges in the future. That said, a hands-off approach can leave a teenager feeling lost, un-cared for, and can even leave them in situations that might be detrimental to their emotional or physical well-being. Parents often need to become detectives who gather information and awareness of what is taking place in their children's lives so that they can better decide if and when help is needed—and if it's needed, how much to give. Here are some guidelines to help you decide when, whether and how much to get involved. Read more: 4 Ways to Raise High-Achieving Kids 1. Know your teenager Take a moment to truly assess the type of teenager you have. Is she easily influenced? Oblivious to dangerous situations? A risk taker? Someone who doesn't often think through the consequences of her actions? If you have answered yes to any of these questions then it is important for you to be more aware of what's going on and more involved in your child's life. Invest time to learn the details of your child’s day-to-day activities. Look for these potential warning signs, but at the same time, teach her more life skills she may be lacking and look for signs of improvement and growth so that you can shift toward the positive when you interact. 2. Assess your relationship with your teenager Are the two of you close? Does he communicate with you on a regular basis and share details about his life? Do you have contact with his friends and feel as if you know what is going on? Or do you find that you are shut out and unaware of what is happening? The more open your relationship is with your child, the easier it is for you to assess your need for involvement and intervention. The less you know, the more that you might need to worry—so stay informed. This is an area where balance is critical: If you are too intrusive, he might become more secretive, but if you are too unaware you could miss important concerns. 3. Be aware of your teen’s environment What activities is your teen involved in, and who does he or she hang out with on a regular basis? Do you know her friends? If your teen is in situations that hold the potential for emotional, social, financial or physical danger, it is important for you to increase your level of involvement. (Often a parent will see potential danger where a teen sees none; that's part of the job.) A parental or trusted adult presence, be it emotional or physical, can be a strong deterrent for risky behaviors and can also provide a feeling of support. 4. Examine your own emotional well-being Even though we are older, wiser and more experienced than our children, emotional distress can make us vulnerable and impact our own decisions about when and whether or not to intervene with our kids’ lives. Look inside to see if your own difficult childhood, or simply something negative you are going through at the present time, might be affecting your involvement (or over-involvement or lack of involvement) in your teen’s life, and see if you might need to make corrections. Read more: Teen Angst or Teen Anguish? Read more: Make the Best of Your Empty Nest Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.
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#HappyFacts: Be True to You

Each week, Live Happy Radio presents #HappyFacts designed to enlighten, educate and entertain you. Here’s a look at what we’re talking about this week: Give your dark side a hug If you want to be happier, try embracing some of your less-pleasant emotions. While we tend to want to focus on emotions that bring out our best, there’s actually great personal benefit to exploring the not-so-pleasant emotions, such as sadness, anger and even contempt. According to Maya Tamir, Ph.D., a psychology professor at The Hebrew University of Jerusalem, learning to accept negative emotions as a normal part of our life can help boost our happiness. Maya’s recent study, The Secret to Happiness: Feeling Good or Feeling Right?, dispels the notion that being happy requires feeling more positive emotion and instead finds that feeling the appropriate emotion is most important. In fact, feeling our negative emotions can help us be happier, because we’re being more honest and authentic with ourselves. So go ahead, let yourself get mad or be sad—you’ll be glad you did! For a happier marriage, thank your spouse Gratitude has many proven benefits, but did you know it could even put some passion back in your marriage? It all comes down to a scientific formula, which doesn’t sound very sexy, but hear us out: research shows that when passion begins to wane in a relationship, so does appreciation. This creates a sort of downward spiral, and when the number of negative expressions—such as disapproval and sarcasm—surpass the number of positive expressions (like encouragement and appreciation), it usually spells trouble. (And that trouble is often spelled D-I-V-O-R-C-E.) The good news is that practicing gratitude can help turn that gradual fizzle back into a full-on sizzle. As you find things to appreciate about your spouse or partner, your brain will automatically start looking for more things you’re grateful for about him or her. This can offset our natural tendency to look at what’s wrong and retrain us to focus on what’s right. While it might take a little effort at first (that’s why it’s called a “practice”), your expression of gratitude will quickly start coming more easily. And, studies show, along with increased gratitude will come increased passion. Can you think of a better reason to say “thank you”? Dance forward, age backwards Exercise is good for staving off some of the effects of aging, but could dancing reverse aging? Research from the German Center for Neurodegenerative Diseases finds that while both endurance training and dancing benefited elderly study participants, dancing had a noticeable positive effect on their balance. The dancing group faced new challenges each week as they were given new dance routines to learn, while the endurance group performed repetitive exercises like cycling or Nordic walking. Both groups showed increased activity in the hippocampus, which is a key part of learning and memory, but the recall required by the dancing group to remember dance routines proved to have a far-reaching benefit. Researchers say this could provide promising information to help offset individual risk factors and delay age-related decline. So next time you feel like getting up and moving, instead of putting on your walking shoes, maybe you should put on your boogie shoes. What do you appreciate the most about your spouse or significant other?
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5 Steps to Fulfill Your Purpose

One of the key elements of a flourishing, fulfilling life is a sense of purpose that allows us to find our passions, pursue important goals and ultimately live lives of authentic happiness. Most of us go about our lives without actively thinking about what purpose we are trying to accomplish. However, there are steps we can take to develop a more deliberate awareness of our goals and achieve lives of meaning. 1. Define your goals. First, be clear about your purpose and intentions: Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? What do you want to do? How are you going to do it? Then explore the roads that lead to your goals and the obstacles in your way. Often, these obstacles will become opportunities for growth and change. Purpose is about intention—having goals that help build the framework for your plans and fulfillment in life. Those goals can be large or small in scope. If you want to eat more healthfully, you’ll be motivated to buy more fruits and vegetables. If you want to have a positive effect on the environment, learn more about the issues and join like-minded people so you can get your cause on the next ballot. 2. Look at the big picture, then fill in the details. From the time you are small, those around you—from your parents to the society at large—influence you, tell you what is important and how they expect you to live. While these influences can be helpful, it is crucial to find your own meaning and purpose. The easiest way to begin is to look at the big picture and then work out the small details. Recently, I began working with a client I will call Kelly. Kelly was raised by a single mother who barely scraped by financially. If it weren’t for the help of close friends and community organizations, Kelly felt she would not be the successful businesswoman she has become. In a big-picture sense, Kelly decided her purpose in life should involve giving back to others. She began to think about ways she could give back. The most obvious was to write a check, but that did not feel like it would fulfill her true intention. After some reflection together, we came up with a plan to give back in three categories: money, hands and heart. The money was the checks she would write to deserving organizations. Her hands would dish out food at a local shelter on Saturdays. Her heart came into play when she aligned with Big Brothers Big Sisters of America and mentored a young girl. Her tactical goals led to the fulfillment of her overarching purpose in life. 3. Consult your morals and values. If you want to live with purpose, you need to understand and explore what you value most. If you value teaching children, you can focus on that area. If you value creating beauty, you can grow a beautiful garden or express yourself through art or music. If you value helping others, we can find a way to make that happen. 4. Use strengths and build up weaknesses. Often we need the weaker parts of ourselves in order to accomplish what we desire. If you feel stuck in an unsatisfying job because you are averse to risk-taking, work on building up your courage. If you struggle with time management and don’t have time to add volunteer responsibilities you’re interested in, work on your organizational skills and start small with just an hour every other week. 5. Think about your legacy. Imagine what kind of legacy you would like to leave. Erik Erikson, an expert in psychological development, focused on the stages of change across the life span. He called the final stage in life “Ego Integrity vs. Despair.” This reckoning happens at the sunset of life, when you reflect on your past and decide\ what you are satisfied with and what you regret. Before getting to that stage, think about what messages you want to leave behind about who you are and what is important to you. This will help shape your purpose and goals. We all want to live a life of purpose. The key is to figure out what in life creates meaning for you, and then create goals and behaviors that support your intentions. Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.
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Person standing in chalk outline.

3 Ways to Get Unstuck at Work

No matter how “together” people may seem, we all feel overwhelmed at times. As a “solopreneur,” Senia handles big-picture, strategic initiatives as well as detail work. In the past six months, her detail work became overwhelming, with up to 50 items on her daily to-do list. Senia reached out to three executive coaches who are productivity experts. She spoke with her friends. She enlisted virtual assistants and focused on streamlining her work. Yet her daily to-do list was still unwieldy. She felt stuck. How can we get the advice we need? Executive coaches are like personal trainers, but for work and life. Margaret suggests a useful mantra to coaches when they get stuck: “Go with who you know and what you know.” Here’s the problem: We gravitate to that which is comfortable. A new TEDx Talk, “Strategies to Widen Your Social Universe,” by Tanya Menon, Ph.D., of Ohio State University, adds a twist to Margaret’s advice. Tanya says we need to create more accidental bumps in our lives: We should go eat lunch at a different place, take a different route to work, go to the gym at a different time and meet different people. With that thought, let’s revisit Margaret’s advice: We could suggest that Senia reach out to contacts she doesn’t typically work with, from LinkedIn or professional organizations, or urge her to research innovative productivity techniques. And so that’s what she did. Senia talked to colleagues she hadn’t talked to in months or years. She took steps she was unfamiliar with to delegate some of her work and make her workload more sustainable. Here are a few other strategies to try: 1. Talk to someone who is one chapter ahead of you. Chances are you have at least one friend or colleague who has also been overwhelmed and yet figured out a solution. Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D., of Harvard University, advises in his book Stumbling on Happiness that if we don’t know how to make a decision, we should talk to someone who has just made that decision. If you’re thinking about becoming a parent, talk to parents who had kids a year ago and are still living through those sleepless nights. 2. Take baby steps. Look for the smallest step that could have the biggest positive impact or difference. We recommend this action in our book Profit From the Positive. The power is that it focuses us on what we can change—now. 3. Step away. Take a break. Just when you think you can’t get up from your desk, that’s exactly what you need to do. Remove yourself from the work; it’ll still be there when you return. Go for a walk; being out in nature has been found to have a calming effect. Go to the gym. Meditate for five minutes. The point is to do something you enjoy. You will return to your desk feeling refreshed and ready to tackle that to-do list. When you’re stuck, go to your periphery of comfort. Find those people whom you otherwise might not have reached out to. Look for those actions you might not have otherwise tried. Read more: Creative Thinking Helped Me Find a New Path MARGARET H. GREENBERG and SENIA MAYMIN, Ph.D., are sought-after executive coaches, speakers and positive psychology practitioners, and the authors of the book Profit From the Positive. Find more information about their coaching and certificate programs at ProfitFromthePositive.com. Register for the Profit From The Positive Certificate Program starting Oct. 10 at https://www.profitfromthepositive.com/. Use code LiveHappy2017 for a 40 percent discount.
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Ditty about summer

Practitioner’s Corner: Louisa Jewell

What does it mean to put the science of happiness and well-being into practice? Live Happy is excited to present a series of interviews from our partners, The Flourishing Center, that highlight practitioners making an extraordinary impact in the world by putting positive psychology into practice. As we present you with inspiring human stories, we also want to empower you to put these strategies into action in your own life. Today’s spotlight interview is Louisa Jewell. Louisa brings positive psychology to life through workshops, courses, podcasts and, most recently, her book, Wire Your Brain for Confidence: The Science of Conquering Self-Doubt. She is a facilitator of the Certificate in Applied Positive Psychology (CAPP) Program in Vancouver and Toronto. *** The Flourishing Center: Louisa, you’ve been teaching positive psychology for more than a decade. Many people look at you as a naturally happy and joyful person. Although you have so much happiness and fulfillment today, I know it hasn’t always been that way. Tell us more about what got you to this point. Louisa: About 16 years ago, I was in a very dark place. After four miscarriages, I found myself in a deep depression. My doctor put me on antidepressants, and I was seeing a psychologist. But, I knew if I ever wanted to take control of my own well-being and happiness I was going to need to learn what my psychologist knew. I started researching and discovered there was a scientific study of well-being called positive psychology. I started reading every book I could get my hands on, and I began to put what I was learning into practice. I went on to pursue my master’s degree in applied positive psychology (MAPP) at the University of Pennsylvania, where I studied with the field’s founding father, Dr. Martin Seligman, and many other prominent psychologists. I read hundreds of academic papers and applied everything I learned to myself and my family. The knowledge I gained transformed my life. I have never fallen into a depression since. Even through my most challenging years, I’ve been able to stay healthy with the resilience skills I learned. TFC: Thank you for sharing your journey and reminding us all that resilience is about continuing to move through the obstacles. From your time at the University of Pennsylvania, you went on to found the Canadian Positive Psychology Association (https://www.cppa.ca). How did that come to be? When I am struggling or going through a rough time, I always ask, ‘What would my best friend say to me right now?’ And then I speak to myself in those kind words.” Louisa: It was 2012 and I was one of only three Canadians in the whole country to hold a master’s in positive psychology. Many people had not heard of the field or had misconceptions about it. I wanted to spread the word that positive psychology isn’t just about happiness, it’s about being psychologically strong, reaching higher levels of performance, being resilient in the face of extreme challenges, persevering and bouncing back from failures, building willpower, managing daily moods and more. The CPPA mission is to disseminate the research and applications in positive psychology to all Canadians, to improve their mental well-being and promote positive mental health. Since founding the organization, with the dedicated support of my colleagues, we’ve run several conferences with speakers from around the globe. TFC: In addition to your work with the CPPA, you’ve written a new book. Tell us about it. Louisa: As I was reflecting on all the positive psychology tools I have gathered, the skills with the greatest impact on me were the ones that helped me overcome self-doubt and built my confidence. In time, I started pursuing everything I wanted to do, without feelings of failure or constant negative ruminations. I stopped self-sabotaging, and I embraced the things that challenged me. I realized there weren’t any books out there for the public on self-doubt that were fully research-based, so I wanted to share what I had learned with others who struggled with self-doubt. TFC: That sounds like a great help to people—teaching them to work with their doubts rather than being debilitated by them. Finally, do you have any advice from your new book that you’d like to share? Louisa: I do, and it comes from the concept of self-compassion. When I am struggling or going through a rough time, I always ask, “How would my best friend treat me right now?” or “What would my best friend say to me right now?” And then I treat myself and speak to myself in those kind words. Self-compassion is one of the most important tools you have. Wire Your Brain for Confidence: The Science of Conquering Self-Doubt, launches Sept. 21, along with workshops to help others manage their self-doubt and pursue their most desired goals. Find out more at LouisaJewell.com. Listen to our podcast: Wire Your Brain for Confidence With Louisa Jewell The Flourishing Center empowers people who are passionate about helping make the world a better place by putting the skills and tools of positive psychology into practice and creating sustainable work for themselves in the field. Find out more about the Certificate in Positive Psychology, offered in 12 cities and online.
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The Live Happy Get Back to Work Playlist

With Labor Day behind us, we’re officially closing the lid on summer and getting down to business. It’s time for back to school and back to work; summer vacay is over even though you felt like you were just getting started. Take heart, because there’s a way to make getting through that workday a little easier. Creating a playlist to boost your mood before, during and after work can energize you and make you more optimistic. At the very least, it can make the moment more tolerable and who knows, maybe you can even get your co-workers humming along. Here are 15 great songs to get you through your day; feel free to add your own (and sing along)! “Beautiful Day” by U2. Need help making yourself believe that it’s going to be a great day? Check in with Bono. He makes a rather convincing argument that it is, indeed, a beautiful day. And once you start singing along, you’ll start believing it, too. “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile” by Sia. You’ve got the right bag, the right shoes…but did you remember to put on your smile? You will once you listen to this song! “Best Day of My Life” by American Authors. What better line to live by than, “All the possibilities…No limits, just epiphanies….” That’s right, you’re unstoppable! “Firework” by Katy Perry. Continuing on with the theme of being unbeatable comes this rousing hit. Somebody, grab a match because you are a firework. Come on and show ‘em what you’re worth. “Pocketful of Sunshine” by Natasha Bedingfield. What can brighten up a day more than a pocketful of sunshine? Nothing, not even a double mochafrappawhatever! “Brighter Than the Sun” by Colbie Caillat. Light and bouncy and encouraging, this feel-good song has a California beach vibe that will light up even the grayest of days. “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” by Timbuk3. Keeping with the sunshine theme, you’re going to need some shades. This vintage ‘80s song still feels great. Everybody sing now: “Things are going good, and they’re only getting better…” “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift. Sooner or later, it’s bound to happen; you have a less than stellar day at work, or maybe a co-worker makes a hurtful comment that gets back to you. Ouch. Haters gotta hate, T-Swift reminds, so shake it off! “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor. No, you may not be getting into the ring like Rocky Balboa, but some days are still a beating. That’s OK when you have the heart of a lion and the eye of the tiger. Grrrr! “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton. Working for The Man bringing you down? Let Dolly lift you up! This anthem never goes out of style and practically comes with a money back guarantee to make you smile. “The Distance” by Cake. Some days seem like a marathon, so that’s when you need a little Cake. Sure, this song is technically about a race car driver trying to win a race, but it makes a great metaphor for work. “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus. Life is a journey and so is your workday. Just keep that in mind and let Miley cheer you on through your own personal climb. “Workin’ for the Weekend” by Loverboy. The great thing about the week is that every day gets us closer to the weekend. No one reminds us of that better than Loverboy in this classic jam. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. “At first I was afraid, I was petrified.” Does that remind you of your job interview? Or this morning’s presentation? No worries–trust Gloria (and sing along) when she says, “I will survive.” “On Top of the World” by Imagine Dragons. Nothing can keep you down when you start believing you’re ontop of the world. Crank this one up and give your heart a little afternoon joyride.
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Live Happy's 15 Way to Stay Grounded

15 Ways to Stay Grounded

Walking along a trail through an ancient redwood forest deeply rooted into the rocks and cliffs of the Pacific Coast, I stop for a moment and inhale a deep, refreshing breath of earth, ocean and pine. The quiet that surrounds me is timeless. Sunlight pierces the forest canopy and moves down deeply grooved bark until it reaches the forest floor nearly 300 feet below. By the time it touches the moss and pine needles beneath my feet and sparkles across the brook that nourishes giant roots that seem to have grown since the beginning of time, the constant state of hypervigilance that seems part of my daily life has dropped away, the tension that keeps me ready to run at a moment’s notice has gone and the sense that—in an hour, a minute, a moment—the sky will surely fall has simply disappeared. Gently, I reach out to touch the bark of a tree nearly 1,400 years old, close my eyes and take a deep breath of the richly scented air that surrounds me. Here among the trees, I feel grounded. And I know that I can handle anything. The New Reality Today the sense of feeling deeply rooted, deeply centered and able to handle anything is a gift. Recent economic, social and political events may trigger changes that can come at us so quickly that we run in circles trying to figure out how our lives will be affected six months or a year down the line. Negative noise surrounds us as we become dependent on instant news, social media and plugging in. And that’s in addition to the tumult of everyday life—coping with moody teenagers, watching over aging parents and navigating workplace politics. In a 2017 national survey, the American Psychological Association (APA) reported that 57 percent of us view the current political state as a source of significant stress. “This is a crazy time,” says Catherine Mogil, Psy.D., director of training and intervention development for UCLA Nathanson Family Resilience Center and a consultant for the National Military Family Association Operation Purple Family Retreats. “Parents are stressed, kids are stressed,” she says. And, says Katherine C. Nordal, Ph.D., the APA’s executive director for professional practice, “We’re surrounded by conversations, news and social media that constantly remind us of the issues that are stressing us the most.” Searching for Solid Ground So what are we to do? How—when this fast-changing world seems bent on keeping us anxious and unsettled—do we work, feed the family, get Dad to his doctor’s appointment on time and still keep our own feet planted firmly on the ground? 1. Carve out your turf. Begin by showing yourself that you can make a difference in the world, suggests Catherine. Pick one single thing in your neighborhood, local school or community that needs fixing and figure out how you can carve out the time, talent and resources from your life to get it done. When Galit Reuben realized several years ago that people in Los Angeles were abandoning dogs on the streets in unprecedented numbers, for example, she began picking up the starving and often battered pups, and asking friends to keep them until she could find the dogs a home. Eleven years later, the Ojai, California, mom has built an organization with a network of foster homes and street corner adoption fairs that has led to the placement of more than 3,000 mutts in forever homes. Her passion to help these abused creatures—to make sure they are loved and cared for—has not only rescued dogs, but has also brought together an entire community of caring people to support one another. Read more: 17 Ways to Give Back According to Your Strengths 2. Ditch the online politics. A 2016 survey of more than 14,000 social media users from the Pew Research Center reveals that more than one-third of us are “worn out” by all the political comments we run into on Facebook, Twitter and the rest of the social media universe. What’s more—59 percent of us who engage in a political discussion with a social media friend with whom we disagree end up feeling stressed and frustrated. 3. Manage your phone. Assign a special ring tone to your children and others who depend on you for care and emergency help. Outside of work, ignore other calls that come in, but then set aside 30 minutes or so each day to return to them. And turn off notifications! Any device that pings, beeps, burps and plays the national anthem can drive you crazy. According to a 2016 study by researchers at the University of British Columbia, students who kept their notifications on for one week reported significantly higher levels of inattention and hyperactivity than students who kept their phones off. The researchers reported that the higher levels of inattention predicted lower levels of productivity and well-being. Read more: Are You a Phone Snubber? 4. Sink into the mud. When Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Carly Arenaz needs her own personal renewal after helping clients explore the unique challenges they experience every week, she’ll pack up her miniature Pomeranian—Philippe, aka “the mayor of Hollywood”—and head north to the mud baths of Napa Valley. “They’re unbelievable,” says Carly, as she closes her eyes in remembrance. “You sink into a tub full of warm mud,” and the mud—a combination of volcanic ash, peat and mineral water from a hot spring—gently pulls you down until you’re suspended in its warmth, totally weightless. “The world just floats away,” Carly says. 5. Ration your news. Pick two mainstream news outlets, each from a different political perspective, and subscribe to their news feeds online. Check them no more than twice a day, Catherine suggests, and for no more than 10 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes at night. 6. Trace your roots. Few things ground us like family. Use online databases like ancestry.com to follow the wild and sometimes twisting adventures of your own. Interview distant relatives and get to know cousins 10 times removed. Aside from discovering where that cute little nose of yours came from—and your penchant for chocolate—you’ll hear story after story of a people who survived and thrived through war, famine, migration, ocean voyages, possibly even a plague of locusts. With that kind of a heritage, you know there’s nothing that can keep you from taking control of your own destiny. 7. Connect with older women. The older women in my community have been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and survived. I love to hang out with them. They’ve tended their children, nurtured their families and supported friends through good and bad times. Plus, no matter what their political proclivities, they marched, boycotted, advocated, visited their representatives in Congress, even wrote editorials for the local newspaper. They survived and they changed our world. Sipping tea under the trees with my 80-something-year-old friends Barbara and Elspeth is a joy. Stories flow, challenges are discussed, advice is given, laughter is rich, and I go home uplifted and ready to solve every one of my—and the world’s—problems. Read more: How to Be Happy at 90 8. Look for a few good warriors. Any service member who has served in a combat role abroad and survived has a lot to tell us about staying grounded during unpredictable events. Attending a community barbecue at the local Veterans of Foreign Wars in your town and sitting down to talk with veterans can be an eye-opening experience. It’s amazing what you can learn when you open your heart, open your mind and sit down to gnaw on some corn on the cob straight from the grill. 9. Ground yourself with meditation. Whenever you feel as though the world’s spinning out of control, sit down, plant your feet solidly on the earth and close your eyes, suggests Carly. Focus your attention on one part of your body after another for 15 minutes. Then open your eyes, stand up and stretch. You’ll feel calm, centered and ready to restart your day. 10. Reach out. “Connecting to other human beings can be so restorative,” says Catherine. So nurture those relationships. When your best friend—overwhelmed by job loss, soaring rent, or just the demands and decisions of daily life—curls up into a ball and cries, throw your arms around her, feed her chocolate, tell her husband to take her camping for the weekend and haul her kids over to your place for a sleepover with uplifting kid movies and taffy-making. The fact that you would do this for her will ground her. The fact that you did will ground you. 11. Look deep. Pick out a group of people on the nightly news who are yelling and screaming about one issue or another, then try to figure out who those people are, what makes them tick and why they’re so steamed. Patti Callahan, a retired psychiatric nurse who was house-sitting in Hawaii for friends last year, was puzzled by some of the presidential campaign talk about how there were still no jobs for huge numbers of people whose industries had been decimated in the last recession. “I wasn’t interested in all the lamenting, protesting and putting people down that was going on during the election,” Patti says bluntly, “but it seemed obvious that [I] had missed something. And I wanted to know what it was.” So, Patti stopped by the local library, ordered a bunch of books for her Kindle and started reading. First up was Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right by Arlie Russell Hochschild, Ph.D., professor emerita of sociology at the University of California, Berkeley. Arlie had experienced the same curiosity as Patti about why some American workers were angry, so she had gone on the road to Louisiana’s bayou country, a repository of American conservatism, hung out with people and listened to what they had to say. It wasn’t long before she learned of whole communities in which jobs had disappeared, homes had been lost and kids had been robbed of their futures. “I got a vivid and sickening picture of what’s happened to the land where they live and what they’re surrounded with,” Patti says. “It gave me a better understanding.” 12. Practice gratitude. We get so absorbed in bouncing from one crisis to another all day that we never focus on all the amazing things in our lives, says Catherine. So, make focusing on gratitude a daily practice. If you can take the time to say “I have my health, I have a loving relationship” for just two minutes every day, it will change your brain chemistry and allow you to move forward on solid ground. 13. Hold out a crayon. Reach out to children around the globe who have been forced to flee the horror of war and make a difference in their lives. You can donate time, money and talents to organizations like Save the Children. Or, like one couple from Santa Barbara, California, you can get even more directly involved. Robin and Robert Jones, who live part-time on the Greek island of Lesbos, were there when the rubber boats of Syrian refugees started hitting the shore. The entire island’s population turned out to help, but Robin, an art teacher, was concerned about the pain she saw in the children’s eyes. She went home, grabbed blankets and art supplies and took them to a transfer point at the beach. Within an hour of their arrival, she had children drawing and sketching their experiences, which gave them a voice to express their fear, confusion and pain—and a way to take the first step into a new life. 14. Weave a sense of Presence into your life. Pull together a book discussion group that encourages you to explore your inner spiritual life. Friends Mary Karp, Paul Harris, Polly Post and Maureen Glancy are four members of a local Quaker community in Santa Rosa, California, who meet every other week at Mary’s house to discuss A Testament of Devotion, the classic 1941 book of essays on the internal spiritual journey from Haverford College professor Thomas Kelly. The brief pause in their busy lives is an opportunity to rest in the inner stillness brought through a quiet attentiveness to that which is holy. 15. Retreat. Whether it’s a wicker chair on your front porch, a boulder in Yosemite National Park or the third pew on the left inside an empty cathedral anywhere in the world, regularly retreat to that one single place of quiet in which the world’s voices are hushed and your own can emerge strong and free. A long weekend, a day, even just a few hours is all it takes. A few yards from where I sit on my tiny porch surrounded by sunshine and jasmine, the narrow Santa Rosa Creek runs beneath a canopy of gnarled oaks and fresh California laurel. It begins as a great stream in the mountains to the north, but by the time it tumbles down the hills, over rocks and through lush vineyards into the valley where I live, it has gentled to a soft murmuring rhythm that soothes away all my edges. Here, the chatter of Twitter is absent, the minutia of life disappears, and the incessant voices that demand my attention don’t exist. My retreat only lasts an hour. But here I am grounded. I know who I am. I know where I’m going. And no matter how fast and furiously the world erupts in 10 directions at once, the ground under my feet is firm. Read more by Ellen Michaud: Living on Less to Give More Ellen Michaud, editor at large for Live Happy magazine, is an award-winning writer who lives in Northern California. She has written for The New York Times, Washington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, Readers’ Digest, Ladies Home Journal and Prevention Magazine.
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People against a wall reading and talking

Lifelong Education Delivers Confidence, Joy and Hope

Mark Murphy knows firsthand that learning changes lives. His conviction is so strong that the former school principal and past Delaware secretary of education founded a nonprofit devoted to helping young adults become lifelong learners. His organization, GripTape (named after the surface used to create secure footing on skateboards), encourages young adults to pursue learning challenges. There is one simple condition: Do it on your own. Challenges are self-proposed and self-directed and take place outside of traditional schooling. For example, GripTape Challenger Alphina Kamara wanted to better understand the root causes of homelessness. To do so, she created a multistep plan that included running clothing and donation drives, holding a banquet for homeless individuals in her town of Claymont, Delaware, and recruiting local organizations to help host these events. Alphina was successful in completing her project and hosting the banquet late last year. The intensity of the experience surprised her. “My journey was not without its challenges. I received a lot of rejections as I contacted organizations. But I still managed to make it fun by bringing my friends along for the journey and meeting new people and contacts who encouraged and reminded me how many people want to see young people succeed.” In doing her project, Alphina not only learned about homelessness, she gained confidence. It made me feel like I was more capable of doing more things,” she says. “The results were fascinating and empowering in a way I never could have imagined.” Through GripTape, Mark wants to create a generation of lifelong learners like Alphina, individuals with the unfailing agency to make intentional choices about what and how they learn. Why is that such an important skill heading into adulthood? Mark’s research and personal experience show that being committed to learning beyond our school years helps individuals develop both their sense of self-worth and their problem-solving skills. Something special happens when people construct their own learning paths, he says. “At GripTape, people experience the deep sense of fulfillment and accomplishment that comes with engaging in learning in its most relevant and authentic manner.” Mark believes that when we improve our knowledge and craft, our hearts and minds open in new ways. Creative juices flow. We see a new world of possibilities. As working adults with family responsibilities and busy lives, it is easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day that we feel we don’t have time to breathe, let alone to learn something new. Yet, as Alphina says, “If we are not learning, we are not growing.” Benefits of an Active Mind Scientists confirm that lifelong learning is associated with greater life satisfaction and a sense of optimism and engagement. According to the VIA Institute on Character, adults who are learning something new—by taking a class, pursuing a hobby or reading every day—report less stress and greater feelings of hope and purpose. Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D.,VIA’s director of education, explains that researchers have identified love of learning as a character strength whose expression is consistently linked to positive outcomes for oneself and others. These outcomes are present across cultures and countries and include a boost in one’s sense of possibility, an increase in seeking and accepting challenges, and aging in a healthy and productive way. Individuals who love learning are more motivated to persist through challenges, setbacks and negative feedback, Ryan says. One such individual is Byrd Helguera, age 89. More than 70 years after graduating from high school, Byrd is still intent on learning and takes regular classes at Vanderbilt University in Nashville. She’s so hooked she doesn’t even take the summers off. Understanding history, in particular, gives her perspective on an ever-changing world and keeps her engaged and interested in her place in it. “It’s good for us to know how we got here and to consider what other people are thinking and talking about. It’s really quite valuable to all of us.” The classes, which are taught by Vanderbilt professors, are part of the national Osher Lifelong Learning Institutes program. Byrd has studied literature, history, astronomy, psychology and many other topics. “I grew up in a family of teachers and my husband was a professor of history,” says Byrd, the former associate director of Vanderbilt’s Medical Center Library. “I’m always doing something to keep my mind busy. If I’m not reading, I’m playing Scrabble or doing crossword puzzles or that sort of thing.” She also belongs to a book club and writers group. “I think keeping your brain active is important to having a happy life,” she says. Ryan explains why that is. “When adults have a passion for learning, they stay open to new knowledge, rather than being stuck in a know-it-all mode. This helps us see new opportunities for ourselves—who knows what our passion for learning might lead us to in the future?” Researchers are still piecing together the links between learning, life satisfaction and having a sense of possibility. We do know that the hippocampus, an area of the brain essential to learning and related to forming and retrieving long -term memories, also plays a role in mood regulation and in our ability to imagine new situations. The hippocampus is of great interest to neuroscientists because it is where adults generate new neurons throughout their life spans. Read more: Never Stop Learning What Happens to Our Brains When We Learn? As evolutionary biologist Alison Pearce Stevens, Ph.D., has written in Science News for Students, learning physically rewires the brain. Alison explains that the millions of neurons in our brains speak to each other via chemical and electrical signals. When we learn something new and the information becomes part of long-term memory, the neurons involved in the task become more efficient at talking to each other. As they work together, their communication pathways become faster and form networks. The result is that we improve our understanding or physical skill. Scientists no longer believe that adult brains are unchangeable or in decline with age. Instead, they now know that our brains can undergo remarkable amounts of reorganization at any age. Brain plasticity, the ability to build new neurons and neural connections—that is, to change and grow—persists throughout our lives. Lara Boyd, Ph.D., is uncovering ways to harness the power of neuroplasticity to create more effective rehabilitation for victims of stroke and other brain trauma. Lara’s work as director of the Brain Behaviour Laboratory at the University of British Columbia and the Canada Research Chair in the Neurobiology of Motor Learning shows that our brains have an extraordinary capacity for change and that every experience or stimulus we encounter reorganizes our neurons. In fact, Lara would say that after reading this article, your brain will literally not be the same. Lara believes that maintaining neuroplasticity throughout adulthood is vital both to our survival and sense of fulfillment. “Learning is the key to managing our rapidly changing culture. We must keep learning in order to keep up with technology, our kids and our grandchildren,” she says. Learning is the key to managing our rapidly changing culture. We must keep learning in order to keep up with technology, our kids and our grandchildren,” Laura says. The challenge is part of the benefit, Lara says. “Learning becomes hard when we are challenging ourselves at a level that is just beyond our ability. Learning difficult tasks slows down the rate of change in behavior. This is why it feels hard. But it also increases the amount of brain plasticity.” She applies the insights of her research to her own life by making a daily effort to cultivate conditions that she and other neuroscientists know optimize brain plasticity. These include exercising regularly, sleeping seven to eight hours a night and engaging in daily mindfulness practice. Lara also prioritizes learning at work and in her free time. “Because of the rapid changes in how we map and study the brain, I am constantly learning new imaging approaches. These can be quite technological and a bit tricky, but I love challenging myself to figure them out. I am also always reading books [that have] nothing to do with my work.” Learning How to Learn With all the benefits ascribed to engaging in lifelong learning, it is no surprise that “Learning How to Learn” is one of the most popular and highest ranked massive open online courses (MOOCs) in the world, according to ClassCentral.com, a website devoted to reviews of online courses. More than 1.6 million students have completed the course. Learning How to Learn was developed and is taught by Terrence Sejnowski, Ph.D., head of the computational neurobiology lab and Francis Crick Chair at the Salk Institute, and Barbara Oakley, Ph.D., the Ramón y Cajal Distinguished Scholar of Global Digital Learning at McMaster University and a professor of engineering at Oakland University. Barbara is also author of several books, including A Mind for Numbers and Mindshift. In 2017, Terrence and Barbara followed up their successful Learning How to Learn MOOC by designing and launching a new online course called Mindshift based on Barbara’s book. Barbara went from being a failing math student in high school to earning graduate degrees in engineering and eventually becoming a college professor teaching complicated mathematical and technical concepts to others. When Barbara’s students asked how she managed to change her brain so drastically, she began seeking an answer. She spoke with engineers, cognitive scientists and neuroscientists such as Terrence. She realized that there are distinct techniques that many mathematicians and scientists use to master technical or abstract material. Barbara explains that the main message she and Terrence communicate to their students is that learning is always possible. “There are tricks and tools anyone can use to learn material that is novel to them. There is enormous possibility in how you can change as a person.” Ready to grow? Get started with the following guidelines. Tip No. 1: Think of learning as a lifestyle. As Alphina and other participants in GripTape’s Challenges can attest, learning in its most powerful and lifelong sense is much more than studying a book or sitting in a class. Matthias Gruber and his colleagues at the Center for Neuroscience at the University of California, Davis have found that being curious enables learning. Being curious sparks the physical changes in the brain that enable learning and make subsequent learning rewarding. Barbara says that being a lifelong learner “is to create your own process for acquiring knowledge and skills and actively live that process in some way every day.” Learning can be a grand project involving intense focus on one subject or skill, or it can be as simple as paying attention and asking questions about the things that you see around you. Tip No. 2: Work with your brain, not against it. In their courses, Terrence and Barbara talk about balancing the use of a diffuse and focused state of mind when trying to understand something new, especially if it is complex and technical. A diffuse state of mind is free flowing and looks for the big picture. In doing so, it enables more random connections. A focused state of mind is hyper-attentive and task-oriented. It concentrates on ordering details and blocks out extraneous information. A diffuse state of mind might help you brainstorm what to make for dinner. A focused state helps you make the shopping list and follow the recipe. In learning complex information, we need to employ both a diffuse and focused mind. The trick is knowing when to employ which mode and giving yourself the time and opportunity to switch between them. Our brains approach novel information by first trying to integrate it into our existing knowledge—a set of connections and neural networks we already have in place. When our brains cannot find any connections, we may start to struggle and get frustrated. Our initial reaction is to try harder to make a connection using our focused, detailed-oriented minds. But it is often better to back off and let the details be in our subconscious so that new neural connections can be made. Stepping back and explicitly not thinking about a topic gives the new material a chance to sink in and enables our brains to go into diffuse mode and find novel ways to connect. This is why we often suddenly think of a solution to a problem or figure something out while in the shower or taking a long walk. Tip No. 3: Rethink failure. One of the most persistent and powerful roadblocks Barbara sees in adults is a fear of failure. We tie our self-esteem to getting things right and making the grade, rather than taking pride in our persistence. At a deep level, many of us are reticent to learn something new because we are afraid of not being good at whatever we’re trying to learn. For many of us, it is hard to overcome a fundamental fear of making a fool of ourselves. We want to get things right because that was what was most often rewarded in school. We may feel pain, shame and guilt at our mistakes. Barbara reminds her students that great learners possess a general openness to letting experiences shape and affect them. They head into any undertaking with the thrill of discovery. And they have no prejudice or predetermined conceptions of the potential outcome of their experiences. With this mindset, failure can become a lot less scary. Lara’s research at the Brain Behaviour Laboratory shows that if our goal is to reap the health benefits and adaptability that comes with learning, our stumbles and failures may be the best thing for us. This is because encountering difficulty and failure encourages brain plasticity. From a neurogenesis standpoint, they are at least as valuable as our successes, if not more so. Tip No. 4: Be prepared to feel like an impostor, and then get over it. In a class, we might worry that everyone else is getting it and we are falling behind. Or we might convince ourselves that we will never be any good at the hobby we’ve taken up, or that we are not serious students or our efforts are not valid if we are doing something just for fun. Barbara says we should embrace our inner imposters. She explains, “You don’t realize you actually have something very valuable. You have a beginner’s mind that enables you to step back and be more flexible. [In learning], many more problems actually come from being overconfident than being underconfident.” Barbara might say that no true master ever feels complete in his or her knowledge. Rather, they feel engaged and energized by their learning process. Mastery is not a static end state, but a high level of ability to find ways to refine one’s knowledge and skills. This spring, Alphina achieved another milestone, giving a TEDx Talk on what it means to give young people the keys to their own learning. In her talk, Alphina spoke about the power of embracing learning in its messiest, most personal and broadest sense. Through GripTape, Alphina and her peers have learned one of life’s (and neuroscience’s) most meaningful lessons. We limit ourselves when we think that education fits neatly into a box and that it only takes place for the 12 or 16 years most of us are in school. Education at its best and most powerful is a lifelong process. Knowing this, Alphina challenges learners of all ages to ask ourselves: “What are you learning that keeps you inspired and hungry for more?” Read more: 4 Ways to Stay Engaged With Lifelong Learning —Live Happy Science Editor Paula Felps contributed to this feature. Jennifer Wheary, Ph.D., researches and writes about the possibilities of education for improving lives.
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Kale salad with cranberries.

Beyond the Kale

Kale, seen by many as “the ultimate superfood,” doesn’t have a monopoly on health. Chard, mustard, collards—all the leafy greens—have a nutrition profile that makes the other vegetables green with envy. And the darker and leafier, the better it is for you. What makes them so great? Leafy greens are a powerhouse of minerals and vitamins such as A, C and especially K. They rank high in fiber, folate and phytonutrients. Eat them to boost your immune system, improve blood and eye health and help digestion. You can add them raw to salads, though cooking them helps reduce their distinctive bitter taste. And it’s that taste—which pairs so well with garlic and red pepper  flakes—that inspires chefs to forage for greens in their gardens but makes children hide under the table in dread. Eat greens as a side dish, or throw a bunch into your favorite minestrone or bean soup. Read more: 4 Great Ways to Use Your Superfoods Emily Wise Miller is the Web Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Quote about Intention

The Best of Intentions

We have to-do lists (take Benji to the vet; bring the car in for an oil change; complete the PowerPoint presentation). We have goals (run in a Turkey Trot; turn the garage into a workshop; get promoted in the next six months). We may even have a bucket list (deliver a TED Talk; visit every continent on the globe; earn a pilot’s license). But what’s missing for many of us, and may lead to a feeling that our days are being spent in a slapdash way, is intention: a constellation of purpose and values that gives direction and meaning to actions large and small. “I think of intention as the inner compass that sets us on our journey,” says Hugh Byrne, Ph.D., co-founder of the Mindfulness Training Institute of Washington, D.C., and author of The Here-and-Now Habit. “Without clear intentions, we drift, acting out old habits and patterns, like flotsam swept by the water.” Intentions help us channel our energy into what matters most to us, adds Tina Chadda, a Toronto psychiatrist and creator of the Akasha meditation app, which offers mini tutorials on subjects like “the mindfulness of mistakes” and “maintaining flow.” “More loosely, you could say intention is how we address the question, ‘What the heck are we doing with ourselves all day?’” she says. Tina offers an example of how this plays out in real life. “Your intention may be to give your best to the world,” she says. “And, sure, that sounds airy-fairy, but then you break it down, first to a value—I want to be of service to my community and then to a goal: By the end of this month I’m going to volunteer five hours of time to my local homeless shelter.” Intention can imbue with meaning small tasks that would otherwise be annoying (and easy to put off). “For me, I value my well-being and sense of serenity,” Tina says, “and that translates into the goal that by the end of next weekend, I’m going to unpack the boxes in the corner of my office.” You can even be intentional about wasting time, points out Mallika Chopra. Mallika is the founder and CEO of Intent.com, an online community where members support one another in moving from intention to actions. In her book Living With Intent: My Somewhat Messy Journey to Purpose, Peace, and Joy, Mallika describes how she learned to stop chastising herself for playing video games or checking in with friends on Facebook, things she found relaxing and pleasurable and that didn’t take time away  from her other priorities, like sleep. “What if I welcome activities into my life just because they’re fun and feel good?” she mused. “Just thinking about indulging in my ‘bad habits’ free of guilt makes me feel lighter and less stressed.” While goals are focused on future outcomes, intentions are about how we want to show up in our lives in the present. Jamie Price is the Los Angeles-based co-founder of Stop, Breathe & Think, a wellness app that offers brief guided meditations. Eight months pregnant as she chats, she says her overriding intention right now is “to nourish my child with food as well as with what I’m thinking and doing.” One way she fulfills that intention is by taking a nightly walk with her husband. “We’ve been married for five years and it’s easy to take someone’s presence for granted,” she says. “Instead, I’ve been trying to foster a kind, attentive and loving presence with my husband on a daily basis. After dinner we walk through the neighborhood together for 40 minutes, inhaling the smells of rose and jasmine or walking to a cliff above the ocean at sunset. Since I’ve been pregnant, we try to leave the devices at home so we can talk about our day or just hold hands and walk in silence.” How Intentions Help Us Learn and Perform Better When your yoga teacher asks you to set an intention before class, she’s actually inviting you to turn on parts of your brain that wouldn’t be activated if you just went through your sun salutations mindlessly. Intention, it turns out, is not some kumbaya concept; when we engage with intention it actually shows up in brain scans. Neuroscience research has demonstrated that when you watch someone else’s movements or actions with the intention of engaging in that same behavior yourself, neurons in your brain that make up the “action observation network” are stimulated. In one study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, for example, students watched videos of another person putting together or disassembling a Tinkertoy structure. One group of students simply watched the video; another group was told that they’d have to construct that same object a few minutes later. Brain scans showed that students who were watching with intent had more activity occurring in a part of the brain called the intraparietal cortex. Another study, by language researcher and University of Ottawa, Ontario, professor Larry Vandergrift, Ph.D., confirmed the power of listening with intent. Working with undergraduates learning French as a second language, half the students were given guidance in active listening. Before the lesson began, they were instructed to mentally review what they already knew; to form an intention to “listen out for” what was important; to bring their attention back to the words being spoken by their instructor, if it wandered; and to take note of what they didn’t understand without allowing their focus to be undermined. The control group wasn’t given any instructions. The results: The students who listened with attention and intention significantly outscored the less skilled listeners in a test of comprehension. Whether it’s perfecting your eagle pose, your subjunctive French verbs or any other endeavor that’s important to you, engaging with intention will give you a performance boost. And science shows that’s just the beginning of how intentions can change your life. The Neuroscience of Intentions Shifting your perspective from goals to thoughtful intentions just might be the secret sauce in achieving your dreams. That’s according to some fascinating research that’s coming out of science labs, including that of social psychologist Elliot Berkman, Ph.D. Elliot is the director of the Social & Affective Neuroscience Lab at the University of Oregon, and he and his team are studying a field called “motivation neuroscience.” They use neuroimaging tools like functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to learn how our brains support setting, pursuing and eventually succeeding, or failing, in achieving behavioral changes like smoking cessation and dieting. The field has established that when people are thinking about core values or reflecting on the self, there’s activation of the “self-processing regions” of the brain, including the medial prefrontal cortex. If you can recruit this part of your brain, even difficult activities will seem less effortful, Elliot says, because you’re getting the signal that what you’re doing is the most important thing to you. You’re not paying what both psychologists and economists call an “opportunity cost,” forgoing the rewards you might have reaped if you were doing something else instead. Elliot wants to help people find a way to turn extrinsic goals—something they pursue because of external pressure, like their doctor advising them to lose weight to avoid diabetes—into intrinsic goals, ones they seek because they’re connected to their enduring passions and principles. In other words, Elliot says, identify why resisting that cookie shores up your values and beliefs and—bingo!—you’re in the arena of intention and you’ve ignited those powerful self-processing parts of the brain. “If you can find a way to put your goals into alignment with who you want to be in the broadest sense,” he says, “that will provide powerful and sustainable reinforcement for the changes you want to make.” Elliot calls this alignment “psychic chiropractic,” and he says the most effective way to practice it is through self-affirmations. Studies show that affirming values and beliefs is potent: It boosts self-control, lifts your mood, expands your sense of yourself and your capabilities, offers protection against stress and makes you more open to feedback and to persevering in the face of setbacks. In Elliot’s lab, self-affirmations begin with people choosing the two or three core values that are most important to them from a list of 10 or 12 that might include honesty, loyalty, family, honor, friendship, creativity, courage and love. Then the participants are asked to spend a couple of minutes writing about what each means to them. In an ongoing experiment, Elliot and his team parse these essays into brief snippets, such as, “Family is the most important thing to me.” Those affirmations are then sent to the writers two or three times a day. Here’s how you can apply this science to your life: If you wanted to lose 10 pounds, for example, you might connect with the intention, “I want to be a healthy and active parent,” or “I want to experience life with energy and vigor.” Then, you’d text yourself this avowal before you head out to dinner or the supermarket. (You can schedule texts with apps like TextItLater or Delayd.) Overcoming temptation—whether a molten chocolate pie, staying in bed instead of going to the gym or procrastinating when you have a difficult project to complete—is all about increasing the value of long-term, abstract rewards so they’re greater than the reward in front of you, Elliot says. The tipping point, he adds, is tapping into our “self-concept of who we are and who we want to be.” Intent Alert: Attention Required Staying aligned with our intentions takes effort and vigilance. Elliot uses the word “deliberate” to describe actions that are intentional. “Acting automatically is less costly in terms of energy than acting with deliberation,” he says. “Our brains evolved to be energy conserving, so unless we pay attention, they’ll default to habit and inertia. On a neuroscience level, being intentional is a bottleneck.” One reliable way to break that bottleneck is by maintaining a regular meditation practice. Committing to a daily practice of spending just a few moments in silence, cultivating a contemplative mindset, provides access, Mallika says, to “a deeper well of understanding, insight and awareness.” This heightened self-knowledge can also help you recognize why you feel drained and help you discover what fills you up. In this way, mindfulness functions as an early warning system when you begin to stray from your intentions. Hugh offers an example. A couple of years ago he was in the habit each evening of pouring himself a small glass of Dogfish Head, his favorite beer, and dishing out a scoop or two of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, then chilling in front of the TV. “It wasn’t a large amount of beer or ice cream,” he says, “but after a while it felt like something I was doing by rote, and I began to feel a little neediness and a lack of spaciousness and ease. It was getting in the way of my intention to be fully present and fully at ease.” Hugh now stops watching TV after 10:30 at night, and while he still has an occasional glass of beer or wine, he does so out of conscious choice and not habit. On the other hand, Sam Chase, who co-owns New York City’s Yoga to the People studio, sees no need to abandon his sometime habit of stopping in at a local pinball parlor for an hour of what he admits is “vegging out.” “It’s an immersive experience, and a way to decompress from a hard day, but it’s not high stakes,” Sam says. Bouncing steel balls off the flippers in a pinball game leaves him “recharged.” That sense of replenishment, Tina points out, is evidence that you’re nourishing your intentions. “When you’re using your energy in a healthy way you feel energized,” she says. “When you’re not, you feel depleted and empty.” Get to know yourself through meditation and you’ll easily cue into the difference between the pleasant fatigue that follows, say, an 8-mile run or an afternoon spent building sets for a community theater production, and the lethargy you experience after you’ve camped out on the sofa and aimlessly dawdled away two hours watching infomercials. How to Set Intentions Whether you come to it from a mind-body perspective or the mindset of a scientist, the guidelines on how to set intentions have the same starting point: Devote some quiet time to clarifying what matters most to you. Hugh suggests asking yourself the question: What’s my deepest longing for the world and myself? (The answer for him is “peace, loving relationships and a more compassionate world.”) Next, says Hugh, “identify habits that prevent you from living out these intentions, and commit to take action to change those habits.” Then, begin to align your moment-to-moment thoughts and actions with the qualities you want to cultivate. Ask yourself, Hugh suggests, “Does this thought/ action/response serve happiness? Does it support my deepest aspirations?” Mallika is a big fan of what she calls “microintents”—small steps that, she says, make our day-to-day lives happier and healthier and also help give clarity and momentum to long-term intentions. Mallika’s microintents included starting a book club with some friends and meeting a close pal for walks in nature instead of their usual breakfast or lunch date. “With these small changes, my whole life shifted,” Mallika says. “For me, intentions are soulful. They’re the expression of who we aspire to be physically, emotionally and spiritually. When we ask ourselves, what is going to make me feel happy, more connected, healthy and of purpose, we plant the seeds of what we yearn for in our lives.” Read more about intention: 4 Ways to Live Each Day With Intention Shelley Levitt is a freelance journalist based in Los Angeles and editor at large for Live Happy. Her work has appeared in Real Simple, People, SUCCESS and more.
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