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Love and Happiness

In fairy tales, lasting love just happens. But in real life, healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. What follows is an excerpt from Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. Written by positive psychology experts and husband-and-wife team Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski, this is the first book to explain how you can use the principles of positive psychology to create thriving romantic relationships. *** As important as positive emotions are for us as individuals, they may be even more important for our relationships. They help us forge strong connections with others by breaking down boundaries that separate us from each other. By broadening our attention in ways that help us see ourselves as less distinct from others, they allow us to create all kinds of relationships, including romantic ones. When we are in romantic relationships we desire to expand ourselves by including our partner or spouse within our self and we associate that expansion of our self with the other. Overlapping Circles of Self This influential self-expansion model of love is based on the research of leading relationship scientist Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at Stony Brook University. Aron argues that self-expansion is a catalyst for positive emotions. He and his colleagues use pairs of overlapping circles to ask couples about their relationship quality. On one end of their scale, the pair of circles does not overlap at all, and at the other end, the circles overlap almost completely. The researchers have asked thousands of couples to pick which pair of circles best depicts how they feel about their relationship. The more overlap an individual feels with his or her partner, the better the relationship is likely to fare. This simple measure has been more effective than more complex surveys and interviews at predicting which couples will stay together and which will break up. While self-expansion triggers positivity, Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the leading researcher on positive emotions, finds it works the other way around, as well. In a variety of experiments, she has found that even lab-induced positive emotions can help people see more overlap between themselves and others. These emotions can help people feel closer and more connected to their loved ones. And the more you continually kindle positive feelings in your relationships, the more connected and happy you feel overall. Our Contagious Emotions Another way positive emotions can enhance relationships is through contagion. Just as we can pass colds along to our partners through physical contagion, so we can pass along our feelings to our partners through emotional contagion. Ever notice how when you spend time with your partner, you often wind up feeling the emotions he or she is experiencing? Emotional contagion is rather complex and often happens below the level of our consciousness. It results from the fact that we are built to mimic each other. As infants, we start mimicking our parents soon after we are born, behavior that is critical for our development and constitutes a primary pathway to learning and growing throughout our lives. Emotional contagion results from our tendency to copy or synchronize our facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and behaviors with those around us, and as a result take on their emotional landscape. So although the underlying processes are different, we can talk about catching emotions from others, just as we can talk about catching their colds. And just as there are those who are more susceptible to catching colds from others, there are those who are more sensitive than others to their emotional environment, and thus more likely to pick up the emotions of those around them. This experience, of course, is even more common than the common cold. How many times have you found yourself in a situation in which you are doing fine, but then you spend some time with a partner who is not doing fine? Soon you begin picking up the other person’s negative emotions, and before you know it, you are not doing fine, either. Your partner’s negative emotions have spread to you, and you are now feeling them yourself. How Emotions Spread Researchers have studied this phenomenon by various means and have documented ways in which emotional contagion can result in behavior change. One such researcher is Sigal Barsade, now professor of management at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. She and her colleagues conducted an experiment with ninety-two college undergraduates, bringing them into a lab and randomly assigning them to twenty-nine groups of two to four students each to simulate a managerial exercise. In some of the groups, she also included a research confederate, an actor trained to display a negative mood. Before beginning the managerial exercise, participants completed a mood questionnaire rating how they felt right at that moment. Each participant, including the confederate, took turns giving a presentation. Immediately afterward, participants completed another questionnaire with the same mood items they had rated previously. They were also independently rated by video coders trained to recognize emotion through facial expression, verbal tone, and body language. Sure enough, the groups with the research confederate became more negative over time, with lower levels of cooperation, decreased perceived performance, and more conflict as compared to the other groups in the study. . This indicates that negative emotions can not only spread to those around us but also negatively affect behavior and performance. This study and others like it show us how important it is to be aware of our emotional states. The negative emotions we are feeling can easily spread to our partners and this can affect not just how we feel but also how we behave. Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP and James O. Pawelski, Ph.D. © 2018 by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Suzann (“Suzie”) Pileggi Pawelski (MAPP) holds a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania. She is a freelance writer and well-being consultant specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on health and relationships. Suzie blogs for Psychology Today and writes the “Science of Well-being” column for Live Happy, where she is also a contributing editor. James O. Pawelski, PhD, James O. Pawelski, PhD, is Professor of Practice and Director of Education in the Positive Psychology Center and Adjunct Professor of Religious Studies in the School of Arts and Sciences at the University of Pennsylvania. He is the Principal Investigator on a three-year, $2.5M grant from the Templeton Religion Trust on “The Humanities and Human Flourishing.” Together, Suzie and James give Romance & Research® workshops around the world. Go to buildhappytogether.com to interact with the authors.

Lifestyle

Laila Ali: The People’s Champ

She’s got the pedigree of a born champion, her own résumé of in-ring excellence and the natural charisma of a superstar. However, no matter how many battles she’s won in and out of the boxing ring, Laila Ali’s life has also been full of as many emotional peaks and valleys. These days, she bares her soul on her own inspirational podcast Laila Ali Lifestyle, available on iTunes and the PodcastOne network. Recently, she stepped in as the new host of Home Made Simple on Oprah Winfrey’s OWN Network, and her new cookbook, Food for Life, will be released on January 23. Live Happy: Congratulations on joining Home Made Simple as the new host. What can viewers expect from the show? LailaAli: I’m really excited because I have the opportunity to make people happy by teaching them how to make their house a home. A designer, a carpenter and I go in and we figure out what the problem is, come up with a design plan and then make it happen for them. I also get in the kitchen and cook with the families and teach them simple healthy recipes from my cookbook. Who in your life has taught you the most about happiness? What I’ve learned over the years is to not to put too much on others for my happiness and to be in control of my own life. Otherwise, people let you down.…You can’t control what other people do, what goes on around you, all you can do is control your reaction to it. It’s very mental. If you feel down, if you feel like, “Oh God, the world is such a tough place. Nothing ever goes my way,” that’s going to be your existence. You’re going to bring that all to fruition. Happiness is really a mindset…that’s what I’ve learned time and time again. When is the last time you laughed out loud? My children make me laugh a lot of the time, without even trying. I have a 6-year-old, Sydney, my daughter. I have a 9-year-old, Curtis. Some of the things they say are just out of straight innocence, you know? Just super-duper funny. I don’t take myself too seriously anyway, so I love looking for a good laugh. What is the kindest act someone has done for you? The acts that stand out would be those that people do with no expectations in return. Sometimes people do nice things for you because they want a certain response and they want something from you. But something as simple as just being in line in the coffee shop, and the cashier says, “This guy just bought your coffee,” and it’s totally unexpected. That happened to me a couple weeks ago and that’s one of the things I always appreciate. What are you passionate about? I’m passionate about encouraging others to take control of their lives through their lifestyle choices: eating healthy, exercising, having some spirituality, meditating, taking a holistic approach of finding balance in life. I think that this is especially important with all the problems we have right now with diabetes, heart disease, cancer, depression and mental illness. It’s like we’re on this hamster wheel all the time, so, I just want people to know that they can actually change that. That’s really a passion of mine. Where is your happy place? My happy place is at home, in the kitchen or family room with my family. I would choose being there any time over anywhere else. I’m most comfortable and at home in my kitchen cooking a good meal for my family. Gerry Strauss is a journalist who specializes in entertainment and pop culture.

work

Tackle Work Stress With These Practical Tips

The workplace: It’s where we spend one-third of each day and at least 90,000 hours in a lifetime. Research by Harvard Medical School, UCLA and the RAND Corporation found that the workplace in America is a “physically and emotionally taxing” place. What’s more, two-thirds of Americans say they work under tight deadlines, with 25 percent saying they lack the time to do their jobs. Yet, when employees have higher levels of well-being at work, everyone wins. Employees enjoy their lives more in and out of the workplace, and employers see an increase in productivity. Invest in Wellness A 2010 study published in the journal Health Affairs found that for every dollar a company spends on a wellness program, its return on investment is $3.27. Employees feel valued their company cares about their well-being and, in turn, employee performance more than doubles, according to a study by Right Management. Researchers also found employees who take advantage of wellness programs contribute the equivalent of an extra day of work in productivity every month. Toni Farris, a certified yoga instructor in Plano, Texas, teaches the art of mindfulness to businesses large and small. “We have a culture of suffering,” she says. “The more suffering you do, the more important you are.” We wear our overworked status as a badge of honor, which may lead, she explains, to a false sense of value and security. “It’s not helpful.” She should know. Before embarking on her mindful journey, Toni worked for the accounting firm Arthur Andersen, and the stress wreaked havoc on her health. Overworking yourself leads to stress, she notes. The decision-making process narrows and the quality of the work can be affected. “Strategy and balance, both physical and emotional, come from a relaxed place,” she says. Talk with your human resources department to bring someone like Toni into the office. If a mindfulness consultant isn’t an option, she offers a few tips to get you started: Be Nice Compassion is a kind of social superglue that holds everything together. Christopher Kukk, Ph.D., author of The Compassionate Achiever: How Helping Others Fuels Success, finds that compassion can create a friendlier and happier workplace, increase productivity and improve health. “When we think from a compassionate mindset, we release the peptide hormone oxytocin, which then activates the neurotransmitters dopamine (brain reward) and serotonin (anxiety reduction), which facilitate happiness and optimism—two characteristics that contribute to success,” he says. To change your mindset to be more compassionate at work, Christopher recommends changing your feelings about achieving success. “If you believe, for instance, that your own as well as your organizational successes were achieved by you alone, then you are—simply stated—lying to yourself,” he says. He suggests reflecting on how your success has benefited from others. This will make you more inclined to contribute to the successes of your colleagues. “When compassion flows, a business grows,” he adds. Get More Shut-Eye According to The Sainsbury’s Living Well Index conducted by Oxford Economics and the National Centre for Social Research in the U.K., 50 percent of participants polled would rather have a good night’s sleep than a pay raise. Matthew Walker, Ph.D., Director of UC Berkeley’s Sleep and Neuroimaging Lab and author of the new book Why We Sleep, says that more than $400 billion in our economy is lost due to poor sleeping habits. What’s more, sleep deficits make us more prone to lying at work and other deviant behaviors. The sleepless also lack in areas of creativity, problem solving and charisma. “Every key facet required for business success will fail when sleep becomes short within an organization,” he says. One thing we can do is drop the mindset that more sleep equates to laziness. “The global sleep-loss epidemic is fast becoming one of the greatest public health challenges of the 21st century,” he says. “I hope the many chapters on the disease, sickness and ill health that comes by way of sleep loss makes this case clear.” Aside from the obvious health benefits of sleep—it builds a strong immune system, lowers risks of stroke, heart attacks, diabetes and depression—it also improves our performance at work. Employees who sleep more, according to Matthew’s book, earn more money, too. Just an extra hour of sleep can improve your financial situation. Quick Biz Tips TAKE A STAND • According the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reducing occupational sitting by 66 minutes per day can boost your mood and reduce upper back and neck pain. EAT LUNCH WITH COLLEAGUES • Cornell University researchers studied firehouses in large cities and witnessed that workgroup performance was enhanced when firefighters broke bread together. KEEP IT POSITIVE • In her book Conscious Communications, entrepreneur and author Mary Shores recommends stopping yourself when you start to think or talk in a negative way. She says that the words we use define who we are, and the negativity can spread throughout an office and even to the customer. Toni’s Tips for Tackling Stress BEFORE WORK: • Use an alarm clock with a soothing tone. Waking up in a panic is never good. • Try getting ready in the morning without the TV or radio. Incorporate more silence. • Add an extra 20 to 30 minutes to your routine so you are not in a rush. AT WORK: • Find a quiet space in your office for about 10 to 15 minutes, and use a mindfulness/meditation app. In a pinch, use your car. • After lunch is the best time to relax. Rest and digest is the opposite of fight or flight. You will feel better for the remainder of the day after a constructive rest. • If possible, let your co-workers know you need time to process any requests before committing. AFTER WORK: • Set boundaries with yourself and work. Don’t answer emails or calls after a certain time. • Turn off electronics one hour before bed. This will help your brain decompress. Chris Libby is the Section Editor at Live Happy magazine.

Self-Care

3 New Year’s Resolutions for Optimists

To those of you who are optimists, like us, who push yourselves to exhaustion to be better every day and are way too hard on yourselves when you don’t hit your own irrationally high standards, we have some advice for you: Stop it. This time, we are approaching end-of-year goal setting in a new way. The research in Shawn’s book The Happiness Advantage shows that we have our thinking backward when we assume that success will lead to happiness when, in truth, having a positive mindset is the greatest predictor of our sustained success. Goals are important, and you may have lots of them, but the best way to achieve them is to start with positivity. So, the key to next year is focusing on the good things in this year. Our three resolutions for optimists are based on new positive psychology research. Resolution No. 1: Be the same in the new year as you were last year. Why does a resolution have to force you to be different? Instead of striving to do something you’ve never done before, like learn Spanish or write a novel, repeat patterns that worked well for you this year. In Before Happiness, Shawn outlines research that shows only two things motivate a brain: seeing that the finish line is close and seeing progress. So, the list you should make for Jan. 1 is not a list of “never-dones,” but rather a list of “dones”—areas you have seen progress in your life that you want to build upon. Think back over the past year. What led to your best moments? Was it taking time to have a date night? Was it saving money so you could vacation in wine country? Whatever it was, resolve to do it again. In research, some say that the best predictor of future performance is past performance. We don’t fully agree with that because it ignores the potential for big change. In general, the only way big change can occur is by repeating a pattern of positive behavior that leads to success. So, instead of starting something new, do even more of what’s already been working for you. What’s the favorite part of who you were this year? Keep it going! Resolution No. 2: For one year, don’t repeat a previous resolution. If starting a yoga practice has been on your list for three years and you still haven’t done it, it’s time to take it off your list. You are better off showing your brain progress rather than continually reminding it of failure. This goes along perfectly with the character strengths research that shows you are better off capitalizing on one of your strengths rather than spending all your time on fixing the weaknesses. When you beat yourself up mentally for your weak areas, you waste mental resources that could be better used on your strengths. Resolution No. 3: Stop saying how happy you will be when you hit this goal. There are admittedly a few hours of anticipatory joy when you make your resolutions for the next year, when you think about how amazing things will be. But that is often quickly replaced by reality. It is much better to peg your happiness to positive things in the past and good things in the present. This is scary for optimists like us who love thinking about the future and talking about new plans. We found as a couple we’d spend time on our vacation dreaming about future vacations, and in doing so, our brains were not in the present. So instead, resolve to be happy today. Do not worry that this will make you content to not grow in the next year. The Happiness Advantage research is clear: Create happiness and every aspect of your life improves in the future. That’s incredible! Moreover, if your goal is to lose 10 pounds, that is an excellent goal. But you will not necessarily be happier, even if you think you will. We bet today alone you met several skinny people who are quite unhappy. Getting a promotion or hitting a sales target are good goals, but you will not necessarily be happier when you attain them. The gain in happiness from money is negligible. There is no known correlation between the number of books you read, how many languages you speak, whether or not you go skydiving and happiness. So many of the things that fill up your resolutions will not make this a happier year. Things that scientifically will make you happier? Being grateful daily for the past and present. Journaling about positive experiences. Making someone else’s year better through an act of kindness. Being resolved to be happy and kind today, focusing on your strengths and giving yourself a break are the keys to your best year ever. Listen to our podcast: The Happiness Advantage With Shawn Achor Read more: Which Kind of Goal-Setter Are You? SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with over 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. His latest book is called Big Potential. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success and the author of Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national news anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.

Flourishing Center

Health Coaching

Take a glimpse into the world of positive psychology withThe Flourishing CenterPodcast. Each episode is divided into three sections giving you insights into living an authentic happy and flourishing life. What you'll learn in this podcast: Science Says—Learn about the impact of health coaching on your well-being. LifeHack—How to be your own life coach. Practitioner’s Corner—Meet Lauren Teller, who uses her experience as a positive psychology coach to promote how to cultivate meaningful change in how you feel about yourself and show up in your life. Learn more aboutThe Flourishing Center

relationships

The Holiday Celebration I’ll Never Forget

Traditions help give our holiday get-togethers meaning and comfort. What cherished memory springs to mind for you? Is it your family’s quirky rituals around opening gifts or the certainty that the chestnut stuffing will be sensational? Some know exactly where everyone will sit at the holiday table, including Dad at the carving station and Aunt Ida and Uncle Ed where they have the best shot of claiming the turkey legs. Then there are the holidays that take an unexpected departure in ways that test our abilities to improvise, to find a lesson in near disasters or to move on through grief. Here, three people share their most unforgettable holiday celebrations. Caroling in the Emergency Room Rade B. Vukmir, M.D., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania As an emergency and critical-care physician for three decades, I’ve worked a lot of holidays. Anyone who’s in the emergency medicine business—nurses, doctors, secretaries, administrators, paramedics—has. It’s often an especially busy time because doctors’ offices and urgent-care centers are closed and we get our share of holiday-related emergencies, like people who fell off a ladder when they were decorating the tree. And then you have some people coming in because they have nowhere else to go and they want to experience some holiday spirit. Maybe they’re elderly or disadvantaged. We do our best to be welcoming. There are always trays of cookies and tins of popcorn that the nurses have put out. You might not be with your family, but there’s a strong feeling of camaraderie and the sense that you’re where you need to be. The morning of Dec. 24, 2006, was quiet. The nurses were restocking supplies in the patient rooms before things got too busy. Then, in the late morning a patient in her mid-80s was brought in by ambulance. She’d fallen and hit her head. Like a lot of elderly patients in the ER, she seemed disoriented by her surroundings. I stepped outside so the nurses could help her get into a hospital gown and ready for suturing. I heard one nurse ask from behind the closed curtain if the patient had a favorite Christmas carol. She responded, “Silent Night.” And then in tones as pure and clean as angels, the nurse began to sing and the patient joined in. Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon virgin, mother and child Another nurse came in from the room where she’d been working and then still another nurse. Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace. As I finished the laceration repair, the nurses continued, through all three verses of “Silent Night” and then on to “Joy to the World” and other Christmas carols. That experience would inspire the title of my second book, The ER: One Good Thing a Day. That’s all any of us can hope for—to do one good thing a day, and achieving that, led by the dedication and compassion of our nursing team, made that Christmas as good as it gets. Finding a Mission After a Christmas Mugging Jason Woods, Little Rock, Arkansas It was close to midnight on Dec. 23, and I was waiting for the bus in a deserted town on the outskirts of Peru. I was returning from a holiday celebration with some other members of the social-justice nonprofit where I was doing an internship. It was a long way from my home in Stillwater, Oklahoma, but while I missed spending the holiday with my family, I was flying to Buenos Aires the next morning to meet some friends, and I was excited about that. When I was approached by a guy asking me for money to ride the bus, I said no. I’d seen him a few minutes before counting his money as he came out of a store, so I knew he had enough change for the bus. When he said, “If you don’t give me money I’m going to slit your throat,” I pretended not to understand Spanish. Then he put his arm around my shoulder and ran his hand across my throat to pantomime his intention. After a couple of minutes of the standoff, as a few people started showing up at the bus stop, he put his hand in my pocket, grabbed my cellphone and ran off. I spent Christmas Eve alone on a layover in the Santiago de Chile airport and then got to Buenos Aires on Christmas. My friends were arriving the next day and the hostel was pretty much empty except for a woman from California named Sarah who was about my age. We decided to go out for a Christmas dinner together and, after lots of searching, found an Italian restaurant that was open. Over pizza and a bottle of wine, we chatted for the next four hours, talking about everything—experiences in South America, relationships, our families. Sarah could tell that I was still kind of flustered by the mugging, and she was very open, friendly and eager to celebrate with me. It ended up being a pretty fabulous Christmas. It’s been six years now. Sarah and I haven’t seen each other again, but we’re Facebook friends, and she’s definitely left her mark on me. I still travel a lot in my job as a writer for the nonprofit Heifer International, and I try to be there for people who are beset by minor disasters the way Sarah was there for me. Coming back from Tanzania with my photographer not long ago, we ran into a British woman at the airport who was in crisis mode. The airline had lost her reservation and after many hours she still couldn’t get on a plane. With no place to eat at the airport she was pretty famished. “I would kill for some Indian food now,” she said. The photographer and I had some time to spare, so we left the airport, went to a local Indian restaurant we knew and, after some finagling with the restaurant on how to do takeout, loaded a plate for her from the buffet. When we showed up again at the airport, she was amazed and overjoyed. That’s the Sarah effect. She turned me into someone who tries his best to look out for wayward travelers. The Family Dog Offers a Lesson in Coping With Grief Rachel Ghadiali, Alexadra, Virginia My dad passed away in March 2013 and none of us were in the mood to celebrate Christmas that year. My mom had always gone all out; she actually had a whole room in the house filled with Christmas decorations. We’d put up a big tree and lots of smaller ones, along with a bunch of different Santas and tons of lights. That year we thought about canceling Christmas, but instead mom put up one small tree and a few trinkets. Every year I would bring my dad a box of chocolate-covered cherries, and I still brought them that year. We opened that, along with our other gifts. My mom had cooked a traditional Christmas meal, and we were looking forward to that. At the last minute, we decided to visit Grandma (my dad’s mother), who lived only a few minutes away and was with other family members. So my mom, my brother, my husband and I all hopped into the car. We left dinner on the stove and told Rosy, my well-trained 5-year-old German shepherd, we’d be right back. When we returned about 30 minutes later, Rosy greeted us like her normal, happy-go-lucky lovable self. But when we walked into the kitchen it was mayhem. We’d left Rosy alone with food a million times and she had never counter surfed before. But this time she had gone to town, pulling everything off the stove to enjoy her own Christmas feast and leaving only scraps for us on the floor. We were shocked, and then we all burst out in laughter. None of us were angry. It was almost like there was so much sadness in the house, Rosy did what she had to do to break the tension and help us laugh again. So, we cooked up some hamburgers, made nachos with chips and cheese out of a can and broke into thecheeseball and fruitcake that mom’s friends had given her as gifts. We ate dad’s chocolate-covered cherries and, as we did every single Christmas, we sat down as a family and watchedA Christmas Story. Our spirits lifted, thanks to Rosy, and it felt as if dad were there right beside us. *** 3 Ideas for a Memorable Holiday Celebration Want to mix things up a bit? Here are some ways to tweak your annual Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s festivities. Share Plates for a Cause Robert Egger, president and founder of the nonprofit L.A. Kitchen, decided to try an alternative to the gala fundraiser this year. In a citywide weekend of dinner parties called Shared Plates, people invited guests into their homes for a ticket price of usually $75 and provided a communal meal. The host or co-hosts covered food costs and 100 percent of the ticket sales went to fight hunger. “We wanted to bring things back to street level and instead of one big light in a ballroom, we’d have hundreds of lights all over the city,” Robert says. “People did everything from a pizza party in a USC dorm to elaborate sit-down dinners in Beverly Hills.” The concept can easily be adapted for a local shelter, food bank or any cause of your choice. For host tips, check outsharedplates.org. Host a Meetup, or Be a Guest at One Last year, ReginaRodríguez-Martin, an American culture coach, tried an experiment. She posted notice of a Thanksgiving Chicago Language Exchange Meetup, inviting expats of all stripes to her home for a traditional holiday feast. Everyone who responded was assigned a dish (she handled turkey duties), and on T-Day her one-bedroom home was filled with guests from Russia, Honduras, Mexico, Kazakhstan, Lebanon and China, along with a few local friends and neighbors. “I’ve been that person with no family in a new city, wondering what I’m going to do on a holiday,” Regina says. “Not only did I feel I was extending a welcoming hand, it turned out to be a really great party and I’ll be doing it again this year.” Start your own holiday meetup. Organize a Progressive Potluck For a fun twist on the potluck, make it a progressive dinner, where each course is served at someone else’s home. (This works best for friends or family who live within walking distance.) The afternoon or evening might begin with munchies and cocktails at one home; appetizers, soup or salad at the next; the main course at a third home; and dessert at your final destination. SearchPinterestfor inspiration and ideas. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

Self-Care

Personality Type Is Key to Keeping New Year’s Resolutions

Gretchen Rubin, three-time New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project, Happier at Home and Better Than Before, has a new book that could completely change how you make (and whether you keep) your New Year’s resolutions. In her previous books, Gretchen’s research showed how habits are critical to achieving goals. In her new book, The Four Tendencies, The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too), you can identify your personality type and use what you learn to set better habits for yourself (aligned with your values, interests and strengths). You can also learn to navigate the obstacles that have kept you from achieving goals in the past. To identify your personality type or tendency, first take Gretchen’s free quiz. Her four “tendencies,” or types, are based on how you respond to demands and expectations—both inner (i.e., wanting to lose weight) and outer (i.e., meeting a work deadline). Here are brief descriptions of each type: Upholders: Meet and respond to outer and inner expectations. Questioners: Question all expectations. Meet inner expectations. Resist outer expectations. Questioners won’t do something until it meets their inner standard and they understand why. Obligers: Meet outer expectations but resist inner expectations. Rebels: Resist both inner and outer expectations. Rebels like spontaneity and doing what they want to do. New Year’s resolutions are inner expectations—so each tendency responds differently to them, but one key to progress for all types is to turn behavior into a habit. “When we change our habits, we change our lives,” Gretchen writes. “If we have habits that work for us, we’re far more likely to be happier, healthier and more productive.” Consider what your tendency is when you set those resolutions so that you can create appropriate habits and achieve success. Here’s how each type can put her research into action. Read more: Gretchen Rubin's Strategies for the Holidays Upholders: Since you meet both inner and outer expectations with ease, you will have the easiest time setting and keeping New Year’s resolutions. You can count on yourself. You even enjoy New Year’s resolutions. How to strengthen your habits: “For an inner expectation to be met, it must be clearly articulated. Upholders must take care to define for themselves what they want and what they value,” Gretchen writes. Possible pitfalls: Don’t expect other types to be as committed as you are, and occasionally give yourself a break. Also, be aware of others who want to hitch a ride onto your accountability, whereas you might want to go it alone. Strengths you can deploy: A natural self-starter and self-motivated, you are likely to keep the resolutions you set. You are the perfect accountability partner or role model for the other types because you are independent, reliable and have a high degree of self-mastery. Questioners: You will readily meet expectations that are well justified because your outer expectation then becomes an inner expectation. “You can make and keep New Year’s resolutions but you may object to the arbitrary date of January 1 or the inefficiency of waiting to start a resolution,” Gretchen writes. How to strengthen your habits: Once you have and believe your “why” for doing something, you will do it. Convince yourself that it makes sense and you will have the commitment to follow through on your goals. Possible pitfalls: Analysis paralysis or waiting for perfect answers before making a decision or taking action. Getting stuck in endless research. Strengths you can deploy: Create a system you deem efficient and effective and you will follow it. Obligers: You respond to external accountability. When an expectation comes from the outside, you will respond. Obligers often say that they no longer make New Year’s resolutions because they’ve failed to do so in the past. Or, if they do make them, they often don’t keep them How to strengthen your habits:Create outer accountability. Possible pitfalls: Thinking you need to work on your motivation. Not true. “No matter how much obligers may want to meet a purely inner expectation—to exercise, to take an online course, to start their own company—they will almost inevitably fail. That’s a harsh thing to realize, but it’s true,” Gretchen writes. The good news is outer accountability is the crucial missing element for obligers. Strengths you can deploy: Obligers benefit the most out of any of the other types because all they need is to create a structure of outer accountability. It’s a straightforward fix. Need to work out? Hire a trainer. Or pay for a gym membership. Set up a system of outer accountability because you are great at meeting other people’s demands. Make sure you pick the type of accountability that feels right to you. Rebels: You are only going to make and keep a New Year’s resolution if you want to. In fact, you can probably stop reading this article because you are going to do what you want to do anyway. “Rebels won’t bind themselves with resolutions. Occasionally, rebels find it fun and like the challenge,” Gretchen writes. How to strengthen your habits: Make something a challenge for you. Rebels love challenges. Watch what happens if someone tells you that you can’t do something. Rebels also love defying people’s expectations. Possible pitfalls: You have trouble accomplishing tasks that need to be done consistently, the same way, every time. Rebels often do worse with an accountability partner. Strengths you can deploy: Don’t tie your goals to a schedule. “Rebels do better when they do what they want when they want—without any expectations that might trigger resistance,” Gretchen writes. One of the powerful takeaways from The Four Tendencies is realizing, even if we already know it intuitively, that people filter and respond to the world differently according to their personality. Accepting that others see the world differently should help us be more supportive of each other as we set new goals for the year ahead. Find The Four Tendencies at Amazon or wherever books are sold. Listen to our podcast:Better Than Before With Gretchen Rubin Sandra Bilbray is a contributing editor for Live Happy, and the CEO and owner ofthemediaconcierge.net.

Live Happy 9 Books for Dealing with Grief

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9 Books for Dealing With Grief and Loss

Grief and loss take you by surprise: One minute you are sobbing and the next you are laughing through tears when you recall a funny memory. Grief can take your breath away with gut-wrenching sorrow, and it can also make you cherish the great moments you shared with a loved one. Grief is messy and different for everyone who experiences it. The amount of time that has passed doesn’t necessarily indicate how much you’ve healed. To help you navigate the path of loss, here are some of the best books to comfort you through your grief. 1. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy By Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant Only in her mid-40s, Sheryl Sandberg faced the unimaginable. The COO of Facebook and author of the best-seller Lean In, Sheryl found her husband, Silicon Valley executive Dave Goldberg, suddenly dead during a vacation in Mexico. After the shocking loss, she would then have to face her children, her demanding job and her own seemingly bottomless grief. “We all live some form of Option B,” Sheryl writes. This version of her life—without the love of her life by her side—became Sheryl’s Option B. Co-written with psychologist and Wharton professor Adam Grant, Ph.D., Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, shows how the capacity of the human spirit can help you to persevere and rediscover joy even after facing tremendous pain and loss. Inspiring words: “When we realize that negative events don’t mean ‘everything is awful forever’ it makes us less depressed and more able to cope.” 2. The Year of Magical Thinking By Joan Didion Joan Didion and John Gregory Dunne were married and worked side-by-side as writers for 40 years. In 2003, John died from a massive heart attack at the same time the couple’s only daughter, Quintana, lay unconscious in a nearby hospital suffering from pneumonia and septic shock. Her husband’s death propelled Joan into a state she calls “magical thinking,” where she expected her husband to return and “need his shoes.” The Year of Magical Thinking is a memoir of her mourning, as she attempts to make sense of her grief, while tending to the severe illness of her daughter. Inspiring words: “Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.” 3. Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything By Lucy Hone, Ph.D. After losing her 12-year-old daughter in a car accident, psychology professor Lucy Hone had to figure out a way forward with her sorrow. Resilient Grieving combines her bereavement research with positive psychology to show the human capacity for growth after traumatic loss. Calling “resilient grieving” an innate ability, her book details the ways possible to move through grief and discover how to live a more deeply engaged and meaningful life. Inspiring words: “The death of someone we hold dear may be inevitable; being paralyzed by our grief is not.” 4. I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One By Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. Called a book of solace, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye is like a companion to walk you through your grief after unimaginable loss—the kind of book you can turn to again and again. Authors Brook Noel and Pamela Blair, PhD., write about unique circumstances of loss such as suicide and homicide, as well as different grieving styles and myths and misunderstandings about grief. Discover how to get through the pain of losing someone and begin to rebuild your life. Inspiring words: “A heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” 5. A Grief Observed By C.S. Lewis “The death of a beloved is an amputation,” wrote author C.S. Lewis after losing his wife, Joy Gresham, to cancer. A Grief Observed, which inspired the movie Shadowlands, is his raw account of grief so strong it caused a man of stalwart faith to question the universe. He wrote, “…[grief] feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” Inspiring words: “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” 6. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss By Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler Influential psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying, turned into a national discussion about grief and its five stages. Before her death in 2004, she and David Kessler wrote On Grief and Grieving, which examines the experience of grief. On Grief and Grieving explores how the process of grieving helps us live with loss, including the authors own experiences, practical wisdom and case studies. It delves into sadness, hauntings, dreams, isolation and healing. Inspiring words: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” 7. Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving: How to Care For and Support the Grieving Heart By Gary Roe A hospice chaplain and grief specialist, Gary Roe helps provide comfort to those facing the devastating loss of a loved one. His book is filled with tips on how to manage the ups and downs of grief. Learn how to navigate all the changes after a loss of a spouse or significant other, and face the future with hope again. If you want to feel understood, and like you aren’t alone, read this book. You also will find suggestions for helping people you love deal with grief. Inspiring words: “You are far from alone, you’re not crazy, and that you will make it through this.” 8. When Bad Things Happen to Good People By Harold S. Kushner Harold Kushner was a young rabbi when he learned that his 3-year-old son was facing a fatal illness. This grim diagnosis sent Harold on a lifelong quest to examine how God could let good people suffer. He shares how he merged his religious faith with the fear, questions and doubts in this classic book, which has become a resource for others facing similar tragedy. It includes Harold's own experience, plus stories from people he’s helped throughout his career. Inspiring words: “I wanted to write a book that could be given to the person who has been hurt by life—by death, by illness or injury, by rejection or disappointment—and who knows in his heart that if there is justice in the world, he deserved better.” 9. When Things Fall Apart By Pema Chodron When Things Fall Apart is a collection of Buddhist nun Pema Chodron’s wisdom on dealing with grief, illness, fear and more. In the beloved classic, she advises those who are suffering to move toward the pain instead of running away from it. She believes that embracing the negative situation or emotion will help readers find ways to cope and, ultimately, heal. The book weaves in Buddhist wisdom and practical advice throughout to target a variety of life situations. “The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought. That’s what we’re going to discover again and again and again.” Inspiring words: “Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is they are intimate with fear.” Sandra Bilbray is a contributing editor for Live Happy, and the CEO and owner of themediaconcierge.net.

Self-Care

Change Your Story, Change Your Life

Everyone has a story. Our personal narrative plays a role in how we approach situations in life, other people and our own self-concept. Our story contains countless pieces of information, some random and insignificant, others full of meaning. Although the facts of our history are immutable, the way we react to them and weave them into our personal narrative is not. When we feel a need to make changes in our lives, we can rewrite or revise our story any time we like. It is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, to start over, and to behave in new and different ways. The start of a new year is a great time to think about rewriting your story by looking at your past, and deciding what changes to make for the future. Often our stories are connected to events from our past. Positive chapters such as a happy childhood, successful career trajectory or healthy relationship can impact our personal stories in an inspiring and uplifting way. These happy events can make us more kind, provide us a more positive outlook, and even improve our self-esteem. On the other hand, negative life events such as trauma, addiction, illness, divorce, etc., can impact our story in a negative way. These often leave us feeling isolated, depressed and anxious. They affect how we deal with people and circumstances later in life. Challenging and painful chapters can make it harder for us to rewrite our story because we feel stuck in the past, powerless or even unable to make a change. You can transform your story. Timothy Wilson, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the University of Virginia, is an expert in what he calls “story editing,” a way to edit our stories by rewriting the path we are taking. “Our experience of the world is shaped bythe stories we tell ourselves and our interpretations of it, and these stories can often become so distorted and destructive that they completely hinder our ability to live balanced, purposeful, happy lives. So the key to personal transformation is story transformation,” he says. 1. Assess who you are. The first step in rewriting your story is to assess who you are, how you have been feeling and behaving, and what circumstances have impacted your life. Ask yourself, “What is my story and what would I like to change about it?” Take time to truly figure out who you are, what is missing, what needs to be improved and how you want to be in the future. An important part of this step is to realize that you can be resilient and rise above challenging times, and a challenging past, by taking steps toward positive change. Read more: Are You Facing Your Addictions? 2. Identify what changes you want to make. The second step is to begin to work on the changes needed to rewrite your story. I have a client who I will call Lisa. She is an intelligent woman who balances working and raising a family. She is responsible, educated and kind-hearted. However, due to a troubled childhood, Lisa has always been the type of person who gets very wrapped up in her own life. Only her husband and children are included in her circle. As a result of this, her co-workers and friends feel they cannot count on Lisa for guidance or support. Lisa is the "fun friend,” but not someone her pals can rely on. While she has enjoyed being known for a good laugh, this has always bothered her. After serious contemplation, she decided to rewrite her story and make a more concerted effort to be what she calls a “heart friend” along with being a fun friend. A “heart friend” checks in on friends when they were going through a tough time, makes offers to help in times of need, and listens to people's stories of pain and struggle. It has taken some time, but Lisa has succeeded and is now not only an attentive friend, but she also feels more balanced in life and more able to reach out for support when she needs it. 3. Continue to revise as you go along. Finally, in rewriting your story, take time out on a regular basis to remind yourself that you can always take steps to change your behaviors, your path and even your life. When we forget we have this power, we tend to feel stuck. When we remember that we have the power to change the trajectory of our narrative, we feel strong, hopeful and happier overall. Read more: 10 Steps to Become a Fully Loaded Grown-Up Read more: 10 Reasons to Tell Your Story in Public Stacy Kaiseris a Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is the author ofHow to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Knowand editor at large forLive Happy. As a former weekly advice columnist forUSA Todaywith more than 100 appearances on major networks, including CNN, FOX and NBC, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.

Self-Care

3 Mindful Habits to Manage Your Holiday Time

There are very few guarantees in life, but one you can set your watch by is that time doesn’t stop. While trying to halt the passage of time is a fruitless task, choosing how you feel about it is certainly within your power. A recent study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that despite rising income and wealth globally, the stress of having very little free time contributes to reduced happiness, poor sleep and eating habits, and higher levels of anxiety. “This is the disease of our era,” says Pedram Shojai, author, former Taoist monk and doctor of oriental medicine. “Everyone is scrambling to find time and undo the stress and it is really hard.” Additional gatherings and commitments during the holiday season can add extra stress, yet it can also be a time for reflection and rejuvenation. In his new book The Art of Stopping Time: Practical Mindfulness for Busy People, Pedram writes that practicing good habits regularly to monitor how time is spent can help you repair “time famine” challenges. Good Holiday Time Habits Water Your Garden: Make a list of all of the things you want to do and prioritize. “Time is like water that you allocate to plants in your garden,” Pedram says. “If the holidays are about catching up on sleep and hibernating, then invest the time there. If the holidays are about spending more time with your loved ones, then those are the plants that you water.” Invest in You: Take personal time and listen to your mind and body to clear “emotional and mental indigestion,” Pedram advises. Once you catch up on “me” time, you can enjoy interacting with others. Ward Off Time Bandits: Choose to spend your time on the moments that are worth it, and weed out situations and people who deplete your energy. “Become brutally aware of the time parasites in your life and learn to excuse yourself; don’t give your time to things that don’t serve you.” To find “time prosperity,” spend at least 90 days building good time habits, Pedram says. “It’s easy to be enlightened in the Himalayas, everyone is chilling out,” he says. “Try doing it in traffic. Then you’ll know if it works.” Chris Libby is the Section Editor for Live Happy magazine.

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