In Search of Wisdom

How to Be Compassionate Toward Difficult People

I am often asked the following question: “I want to be compassionate and kind, but how do I do that when I’m confronted with ingratitude, bad faith, hostility and ill will? How do I feel altruism for the ruthless barbarians of ISIS?” In the Buddhist teachings, we are often given the advice not to inwardly own the wrongs that have been done to us. There is the story about someone who insulted the Buddha many times. The Buddha finally asked him, “If someone gives you a gift and you refuse it, who in the end is the owner of the gift?” A little disconcerted, the man replied that it’s the person who is trying to give the gift. And the Buddha concluded, “Your insults—I don’t accept them, thus they remain yours.” Dealing with ingrates, boors and nasty people, it seems to me we have everything to gain by maintaining a compassionate attitude. By remaining calm, courteous and open to the other, in the best-case scenario, I will disarm their hostility. And if they don’t change their attitude, I will have at least kept my dignity and my inner peace. If I get into a confrontation, I will myself commit the faults that I deplore in the other. The usual pattern in confrontation is escalation. You keep shouting louder and louder, I reply shout for shout, the tone worsens, and the next thing you know, we’re moving in the direction of violence. If we fight hate with hate, the problem will never end. It Is Possible to Be Compassionate Toward Others Without Conditions • Don’t be frightened by the practice of unconditional altruism and say that it is beyond your reach. Don’t ever think, “The suffering of others is none of my business.” • Don’t blame yourself for not doing what is beyond your strength, but do reproach yourself for turning away when you can do something. • No matter what level we start from, kindness and compassion can be cultivated just like any other physical or mental aptitudes. • We should make use of our natural ability to be compassionate toward those near us as a starting point for extending our compassion beyond our family and those we love. Excerpted from In Search of Wisdom: A Monk, a Philosopher, and a Psychiatrist on What Matters Most, by Matthieu Ricard, Christophe André and Alexandre Jollien. Sounds True, June 2018. Reprinted with permission.
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Father's Day

The Best Father’s Day Gift

Every holiday—just like every day—is an opportunity to nurture relationships. The way you experience others in the present is largely guided by information your mind processes from your past, present and even your future, all of which you associate with and bring to bear upon present moments. This processing has profound effects. It shapes what you think, feel and do. And this largely determines the outcome of events. Such mental activity occurs mostly under your radar and at very high speed, in just milliseconds. Acting mostly on automatic pilot, this processing is evolution’s answer to the overwhelming amount of information streaming at us all day long. By the time you get an idea of how you will act in a given situation, you are likely already in motion, for better or worse. Most of us just go through the day and do what we do, not giving it much thought. And that’s usually fine with us, especially if things are going well. But as soon as plans and behaviors start going awry, we get antsy. All experiences are not equal. Some of the usual places your mind can go are: To old memories of similar moments and your responses to those; to old emotional files that merge with the details of your present situation and also to related future expectations. One of the best gifts you can give dad on Father’s Day is to preload your mind with patterns that generate more closeness, joy and peace. Behavioral and emotional patterns will emerge. The more each behavior has been repeated in your past, the more predictably and powerfully a similar situation will ignite it in the present. This is why you hear people say things like, “I always have a slow, long breakfast on holidays,” or say, “We always wind up quarreling on the holidays, then making up and then trying to make what’s the best of the remainder of the day.” The truth is, the mind will repeat a pattern over and over until it gets the message that you want to do things differently. It’s not much different than when you choose to sit in a certain spot in your favorite restaurant or say the same thing, word for word, when someone asks, “How are you?” But sometimes you want more control and a better, more meaningful pattern. One of the best gifts you can give dad on Father’s Day is to preload your mind with patterns that generate more closeness, joy and peace. A nice way to do this is to clean out old dysfunctional reactions and replace them with warmer, kinder ones. Use these guidelines to build more positive moments into Father’s Day—and every day. Energy Bites for Father’s Day: DON’T Use devices too much. Try to have a “mostly” device-free day and go for more organic family and personal time. Your mind and body and relationships will be glad you did. Let unwanted memories invade your day. You can start to identify some of the usual invaders the night before. Then tell yourself that when they arise the next day you’ll be ready for them and not allow them entry. Plan a positive response instead so it will kick in when you need it. DO Take a small day trip to a place where you and Dad have had special moments in the past. Remember good times. Tell stories or look at photo albums together. Say something loving. Take time to savor the positive details of the day. Listen often without having to respond. Find something—a conversation or common sports interest—to build on later. Create pockets of peace and quiet and soak it all in.
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dad and son reading books

Gifts for Book-Loving Dads

With Father’s Day just around the corner, allow us to do the book shopping for you. There are so many joyful and innovative new titles out there, so ditch the golf gear and head to your local bookstore for this year’s gift. We promise he will love each and every one of these! 1. Dad’s cooking? Why not make something with tater tots? Tots! 50 Tot-ally Awesome Recipes from Totchos to Sweet Po-Tot-O Pie by Dan Whalen A tater tot themed cookbook? Count your dad in. Filled with great ideas like Tots Poutine and Mac ‘n’ Tot ‘n’ Cheese, no one in the family will object to anything dad creates using Dan’s guidance. Most of the recipes use frozen store-bought tots, but if the dad in your life is comfy in the kitchen, no worries. Tots! also includes directions for making these favorite frozen potato treats from scratch. 2. Hard lessons learned are often the most important ones. The $20,000 T-Shirt: Life Lessons (and Fart Stories) from the Greatest Father the World Has Ever Known by Devon Weaver When Devon writes that this book was originally meant to be an advice book for his daughter and son because his relationship with his own father was fraught, it’s impossible to stop your eyes from welling up. Keep reading and you’ll find life lessons that every single father will relate to in this sweet—and brutally honest—memoir/advice book. 3. We can all find the funny in our daily lives. Everybody is Awful (Except You!) by Jim Florentine For the dad with a killer sense of humor, enter Everybody is Awful, penned by a comedian, podcaster and actor who appeared most recently on Amy Schumer’s hit film Trainwreck. This hilarious book covers everything from prank calls to social media madness while telling Jim’s story of his early days as a stand-up comedian. The cultural commentary in this hardcover is so relatable your dad won’t be able to put it down. 4. A coffee-table book about the awesomeness of dads. The Greatness of Dads by Kirsten Matthew Your dad will proudly display this tome on the coffee table, filled with compelling dad-themed quotes from such prominent figures as Nelson Mandela and F. Scott Fitzgerald. The book also features an open letter from Barack Obama to his daughters as well as poems, literary excerpts and pop-culture references collected by the author. It’s the best card you can give your dad! 5. The Greatest’s daughter shares insights on her legendary dad. Ali on Ali: Why He Said What He Said When He Said It by Hana Ali There’s something so heartwarming about a daughter writing about her dad. In this case, Muhammad Ali’s daughter, Hana, devotes this book to an explanation of the origins of the prizefighter’s most powerful quotes such as “Float like a butterfly sting like a bee!” Accompanied by more than 80 snapshots that span the entire life of the Greatest of All Time, we learn about Muhammad but also get a sense of his bond with his daughter. And isn’t that what Father’s Day is all about? 6. Coaches are a lot like dads. Most Valuable Dad: Inspiring Words on Fatherhood from Sports Superstars by Tom Limbert In this collection of inspiring words on fatherhood from such sports superstars as Tom Brady and Stephen Curry and organized by such topics as Empathy, Patience, Optimism and Character, Tom keys into the way dads are the ultimate to their kids. Give this book to the dad in your life and you’ll watch him smile as he reads more about his favorite sports figures.
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Runners touching sneakers as a group

The Unloneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

The common image of runners is captured in the title of Alan Sillitoe’s short story “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner.” In this view, runners are solitary figures who neither need nor want company. Certainly many runners, including me, cherish the chance running offers to spend time alone with our thoughts. But, like the observation that runners never smile, the idea that being a runner means being lonely is mostly made by those who don’t run. High-quality camaraderie is more the norm, thanks to group runs, pre- and post-work meetups with one or two friends, road races and other bond-producing activities that are part of the fabric of running. You want lonely? Spend most of your waking hours flitting among social media feeds and working a job where more than small talk is rare. The relationship of loneliness to mental-health issues, especially depression, is well established. The American Psychological Association lists social isolation as a risk factor for depression. Loneliness and depression can feed off each other, as a lack of energy or interest in activities keeps you homebound. Excusing yourself from social activities seems easier than mounting the strength to smile and chat while you’re miserable inside. Enter Running As I said, it comes with a built-in way to create and strengthen just the sort of relationships that improve mental health. If, like me, you took up the sport as part of a school team, regularly training with others has been part of your running life since day one. If you’re an adult-onset runner, you’ve probably nonetheless found benefit in having occasional company, especially for harder or longer workouts. On any given day, runs with others provide a mood boost. “Running is often my favorite social hour,” says Heather Johnson, of South Portland, Maine, who runs in part to manage anxiety. One of Heather’s training partners, Kristin Barry, runs to manage depression and says, “Socializing with friends while running makes me feel more connected and happier in general.” Running with others often results in conversations that are more open and substantive than the norm in our sedentary hours. “Running with others has served as a way to bring my own struggles and achievements to others to gain alternative perspectives,” Heather says. “Over the years, social and group runs have given me new ways to approach parenting, working with others, and how to be a better overall person. Buddy System What’s key here is that these more intimate conversations happen while we’re doing something that creates a connection. You can learn more about a person in the space of a few runs together than in six months of having adjoining cubicles. The shared effort of conquering hills or navigating trails builds a bond that’s stronger than if we were in a book club or cooking class together. Combine the talk and the work, and you can build deep friendships in a surprisingly short time. Running’s delivery mechanism for a regular supply of new friends is a profound enough mental-health aid. In my 50s, I have an easy way to continue to broaden my pool of relationships at a time when many of my contemporaries are seeing their social circles shrink. Some running partners remain primarily that; when we encounter each other in what I call civilian life, we often do a double-take because of being unaccustomed to seeing each other in street clothes. Some running partners blossom into all-hours friends who socialize while barely talking about running. The Spice of Life But there’s more to it than just numbers. As Heather says, “running has given me the opportunity to connect with so many different people.” In the past year, I’ve run with people in their 20s and people in their 70s, and all ages between. Some are women, some are men. Some are married, some divorced, some never married. Some have grown children, some are childless, some have infants. Some began running as teens, some started recently. We grew up in different times and different places and spend our days doing different work. Our lives are so much richer for the varied friendships we continually develop through running. How else would it be the case that the best friend I’ve made in the past decade is a mother of two who was born after I started running? How many depressed men my age have a way to nurture such relationships in just one or two hours a week? These too-brief in-person encounters don’t exist in a vacuum. They spur actions and thoughts that improve the time when we’re apart. Running partners constantly check in on each other: How did that workout go? Is your leg feeling better? Want to run long this weekend? Was it crazy cold this morning, or what? Running provides an easy and obvious reason to stay in regular contact. As on the run, the basic questions tend to lead to reports on nonrunning aspects of our lives, making our connections to one another that much stronger. Even the most basic planning to run with others helps. Knowing on a Wednesday that Saturday morning will include 90 minutes of fellowship brightens the week. I used to plan to run with others primarily as a means to a racing goal. Now it’s a worthwhile goal in itself.
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Top happiness podcasts

10 Podcasts to Help You Find Happiness

Audio is one of the oldest forms of media around, and yet podcasts are so hot that seemingly everyone is starting his or her own. They cover every topic imaginable, and it turns out we love to listen and learn. Podcasts can help us keep up with the news, lose ourselves in an imaginative story or just make our commute go by a lot faster. Below are 10 podcasts in the fields of positive psychology, mindfulness, happiness and self-help that will not only brighten your day, they will also add to your knowledge of how to become an authentically happier person. The Science of Happiness This excellent recent addition to the podcast happiness space comes from the Greater Good Science Center, which is affiliated with the University of California at Berkeley (Go Bears!). Heavy on the science of happiness and positive psychology, the show features interviews with professors and authors such as Rick Hanson, Srikumar Rao and Jonathan Haidt. Professional production adds to the compelling storytelling. Each episode runs about 20 minutes. 10% Happier with Dan Harris Network news anchor Dan Harris has become an unlikely but extremely effective evangelist for meditation and its benefits. With two best-selling books under his belt, Dan now produces this weekly podcast on the subject, which includes in-depth interviews with mindfulness heavy hitters such as (sometime collaborator) Sharon Salzberg and former Google “Jolly Good Fellow” Chade-Meng Tan. Dan has made it his mission to spread meditation to the mainstream, and he is absolutely succeeding! Each episode runs 50 to 60 minutes. Live Happy Now Live Happy’s own uplifting podcast features insightful interviews with experts in psychology and the science of happiness. Past guests have included psychiatrist and mood-food expert Dr. Drew Ramsey; author M.J. Ryan, one of the creators of the Random Acts of Kindness series; work/happiness expert Shawn Achor; and many others. The tone is friendly and accessible—a perfect way to start your day, lighten your commute and stay informed. Each episode runs about 30 minutes. The Flourishing Center Podcast The Flourishing Center, which offers a Certificate in Applied Positive Psychology, highlights positive psychology research in its podcast. It covers everything from tips on overcoming rumination to practicing self-forgiveness. Each episode features three sections: Science Says, which summarizes recent research; Life Hack, which explains how to incorporate positive psychology tenets into your life; and Practitioner’s Corner, which highlights an individual practicing positive psychology. Each episode runs 30 minutes. Happier with Gretchen Rubin Best-selling author of The Happiness Project and several other books, Gretchen Rubin was an early convert to the podcasting medium. She and her screenwriter sister Elizabeth seem to have a lot of fun chatting and ribbing each other as they discuss various topics of interest, such as how to maintain healthy habits, The Four Tendencies (another one of Gretchen’s books), making time to read, family relationships and other issues that affect our everyday lives. The tone is breezy and casual, and occasionally the sisters will bring in a special guest. Each episode runs about 30 minutes. Happiness Matters Christine Carter, author of The Sweet Spot and Raising Happiness, hosts this parenting-focused podcast along with pediatric nurse Rona Renner. The show, a gabfest-style discussion between the hosts, focuses on how to raise a happy family and have harmonious relationships in the 21st century. Hot topics include “The Art of Saying No,” “Is Yelling the New Spanking?” and “Fostering Creativity in Kids.” Weekly episodes are short and sweet, running just 10 minutes. By the Book In each episode of By the Book, podcast personality Kristen Meinzer and comedian Jolenta Greenberg—two smart, funny Brooklynistas with attitude—choose a different self-help book to live by for two weeks and then report back with their findings. The show is warm, insightful and a great way to get the lowdown on these best-selling (but sometimes repetitive) books so you don’t have to read them all yourself. It’s like getting self-help Cliffs Notes, summarized by your hilarious best friends. Each episode runs approximately 45 minutes and many are followed up with a separate epilogue. The Action for Happiness Podcast Action for Happiness is an international initiative launched by the Dalai Lama. The podcast features interviews with luminaries mainly in the realm of mindfulness and meditation, such as Jon Kabat-Zinn, Daniel Goleman and many others. Listen to substantive discussions of meditation in schools, how meditation can change the world and similar subjects. The sound quality could be better. Each episode runs about 40 minutes. Good Life Project The Good Life Project includes an “intentional community” that puts on mindful get-togethers in real life. In addition, they host this twice-weekly interview show with thought leaders in the happiness, creativity and personal development spaces. Catch up with authors and personalities like Elizabeth Gilbert, Tim Ferriss, Brené Brown and many others. Good production and a lively pace keep things moving along. Each episode runs about 45 minutes. Adventures in Happiness New York Times best-selling author Jessica Ortner is an ebullient guide to happiness and fulfillment through “tapping.” But in addition to the mindfulness practice of tapping, she also covers a wide swath of lifestyle subjects from spring cleaning and feng shui to more serious topics such as depression and anxiety. Guests stop by to chat and lend their expertise. Each episode runs about 45 minutes.
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Songwriting with Soldiers

Veterans Reconnect Through Music

Jay Clementi knows what it takes to write a hit song. The Nashville-based singer, songwriter and producer has mastered the art of the musical hook, penning hits for such artists as Luke Bryan, Martina McBride and Dierks Bentley.  But some of Jay’s most meaningful work will most likely never make the charts or even find airplay on the radio. And he’s absolutely fine with that. “When you write a song commercially, you always have an eye to the radio and what could be a hit,” he explains. “You’re writing truth, but you’re also making up stuff. This is so different. It’s a completely different focus.” As one of a dozen or so songwriters working with the SongwritingWith:Soldiers (SW:S) program, Jay uses collaborative songwriting as a tool for healing. The program combines positive psychology tools with the power of music to foster a rich healing environment for military men and women who are either veterans or on active duty. “They’re soldiers, and they’re brave in so many ways, but [opening up like this] is a different kind of bravery,” Jay says. Creating a Connection The seeds for SW:S were planted in 2012 when Mary Judd, a specialist in creative communications and positive psychology programming, reconnected with her childhood friend, Texas singer/songwriter Darden Smith. Darden was moved to action after performing at a U.S. military hospital in Germany and wanted to find a way to use his skills to help those who were serving in the military. Mary, who had experience at organizing events such as happiness retreats, saw the potential of applying positive psychology principles to a songwriting environment. The two were convinced they could combine music and positive psychology to help the lives of soldiers and held their first retreat in October 2012. “I think all of us can relate to the power of a song and what it can do for us, both physically and emotionally,” Mary says. “We are not a music therapy program. What happens at our retreats is very therapeutic and cathartic, but we always emphasize that we are not therapists.” Still, the songwriters are picked based on their ability to connect, communicate and empathize with their military collaborators. In addition to Jay and Darden, artists participating in the program include Grammy Award winners and hit makers including Radney Foster, Beth Nielsen Chapman, Gary Nicholson, Mary Gauthier and more. The program has become so popular that Mary Judd is in the process of creating a curriculum to train more songwriters in the SW:S principles. “I really felt strongly, based on the happiness research that I’ve studied, that the moment [we have with the soldiers] is such a spark,” she says. “We wanted to fuel that to do more, so we put a lot of intention into how to build the program, what we do beforehand and what to do after.” The weekend begins with a meet and greet where military members, and sometimes their families, gather together with the songwriters in a casual reception. That casual time is meant to break down walls, release anxiety and familiarize them with the songwriting process. “They write a song together that very first night, as a group,” Mary says. That helps prepare them for the next day, which sees each soldier sitting down one-on-one with a songwriter to come up with a song. There’s no pressure to dig deep; they’re just sharing their experiences. “Whether it’s funny or sad or tragic or triumphant, the songs tell their story,” Mary says. During the time they’re not working with a songwriter, participants are offered workshops on reconnecting with their creativity through art, cooking, photography, journaling and more. There are sessions on yoga and breathing meditation, and Mary offers workshops on principles of positive psychology such as mindfulness and character strengths. “This really is a positive psychology-based coaching program,” Mary says. It just happens to have a killer soundtrack. Changing Lives With Lyrics The SW:S program has proven to be more than just cathartic for soldiers; it’s been life saving. “Not just from a, ‘I’ve found myself again’ point of view, but from a literal, ‘I was going to kill myself because I felt so isolated, but this helped me to bridge that gap so I’m not so isolated anymore’ way,” says A.J. Merrifield, who served in the U.S. Army from 2002 to 2011 with multiple tours in Iraq.   “This isn’t just a little creativity exercise, it’s not basket weaving as a way of distraction, but rather a genuine and important way of helping those who are returning from the crucible of war, loss and sacrifice to communicate.” A.J., who first attended a SW:S retreat in April 2013, says the experience made him feel less isolated and helped him learn to reconnect—an important but often challenging ability for any military member. “The whole point of SongwritingWith:Soldiers is to help bridge the gap between veterans and others, whether it be other veterans or civilians,” says A.J., who now volunteers with the organization. “I’ve found that it also helps bridge the gap within ourselves, too, accessing some of the thoughts and feelings we either try to forget or don’t like to acknowledge. It helps us deal with and confront those feelings.” On his retreat, A.J. teamed with Jay and fellow military veteran Chris Chirco to write "A Call to Prayer." “It grew out of a discussion that the three of us had…about the dichotomies of faith in a combat zone, how the experience can make or break your faith, the feeling of loss when losing a comrade and how you deal with those things,” he says. The song deals specifically with the loss of one of his soldiers, SPC Clinton R. Upchurch. “In a way, this song keeps him alive, too, by keeping his name out there, keeping those memories fresh—that’s something I’ll always be grateful to Jay for.” Taking the Music Mainstream The program has been transformative for the soldiers, but it has also deeply touched the songwriters who participate. For singer/songwriter Mary Gauthier, SW:S has become a calling that she turned into her latest album, Rifles and Rosary Beads. “Using songs and songwriting to connect people who have been disconnected because of a traumatic event is just a natural fit for me,” she says. “I’m excited about being given this privilege to work with people who want to do this work, who want to get better. We’re losing 20 veterans a day to suicide because of war trauma. There is a crisis, and writing songs with veterans is helping on some level to address it.” Rifles and Rosary Beads features 11 songs written with soldiers, and Mary donates a portion of every sale to SW:S. The album is nominated for the Album of the Year by the Americana Music Association and has earned widespread critical acclaim.   “Taking something difficult and turning it into something beautiful helps move trauma out of the brain in ways that are quite profound,” she says. “I think that’s what I’m on earth to do, to help show the resilience of the human spirit. If I look at this record and the songs I’ve written over the last four years with veterans, in the end, even the most harrowing [songs] are about love. “Because in the end, love is what saves us all.” 
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Ants working together carrying a piece of watermelon

The Power of Others

When George Lucas originally wrote the script to the billion-dollar Star Wars franchise, the most iconic line in movie history—“May the Force be with you”—was not in it. Instead, the earliest versions read, “May the Force of others be with you.” Why start a book on the science of potential with an arcane piece of movie history? ... Because I believe that hidden in this tiny line lies both the problem undergirding our broken pursuit of potential as a society and the secret to exponentially increasing our success, well-being, and happiness. Our society has become overly focused on the “power of one alone” versus “the power of one made stronger by others.” Of course, Hollywood glorifies individual superstars; where else are the streets literally paved with their names? But when we adopt this script in our companies and schools, focusing only on individual achievement and eliminating “others” from the equation, our true power remains hidden. But what is hidden can be revealed. Three years ago, as I was researching the hidden connections that underlie success and human potential, I had a breakthrough. I became a father. When my son, Leo, came into the world, he was quite literally helpless. He couldn’t even roll over by himself. But, as he got older, he became more capable. And with each new skill he picked up, like any good positive psychology researcher would, I found myself praising him, saying, “Leo, you did that all by yourself! I’m proud of you.” And after a while, Leo began parroting it back to me in a soft but proud voice: “All by myself.” That’s when I realized: First as children, then as adults in the workplace, we are conditioned to disproportionately value things we accomplish on our own. As a father, if I stopped my praise and guidance there, my son might come to view independent achievement as the ultimate test of our mettle. But in reality, it is not. There is a whole other level. … The people who rise to the top are not those who try to do everything all by themselves, but, rather, those who can ask others for help and rally others to grow. Parents who support a balanced, connected approach to pursuing success for their children are rewarded for their persistence, while parents who urge individual achievement at the cost of connection find themselves unprepared for their child’s burnout or loneliness. We spend the first 22 years of our lives being judged and praised for our individual attributes and what we can achieve alone, when, for the rest of our lives, our success is almost entirely interconnected with that of others. Over the past decade, I have worked with nearly half of the Fortune 100 companies and traveled to more than 50 countries to learn how people everywhere approach the concepts of success, happiness, and human potential. One thing I’ve found to be true almost everywhere is that the vast majority of companies, schools, and organizations measure and reward “high performance” in terms of individual metrics such as sales numbers, résumé accolades, and test scores. The problem with this approach is that it is predicated on a belief we thought science had fully confirmed: that we live in a world of “survival of the fittest.” It teaches us that success is a zero-sum game; that those with the best grades, or the most impressive résumé, or the highest point score, will be the ONLY ones to prosper. The formula is simple: Be better and smarter and more creative than everyone else, and you will be successful. But this formula is inaccurate. Thanks to groundbreaking new research you will read about in this book, we now know that achieving our highest potential is not about survival of the fittest; it is survival of the best fit. In other words, success is not just about how creative or smart or driven you are, but how well you are able to connect with, contribute to, and benefit from the ecosystem of people around you. It isn’t just how highly rated your college or workplace is, but how well you fit in there. It isn’t just how many points you score, but how well you complement the skills of the team. We often think if we can just work harder, faster, and smarter, then we’ll achieve our highest potential. But scientifically in the modern world, the biggest impediment to our success and realizing our potential is not lack of productivity, hard work, or intelligence; it is the way in which we pursue it. The pursuit of potential must not be a lonely road. The conclusion of a decade of research is clear: It’s not faster alone; it’s better together. … By creating hypercompetitive environments in which only individual achievements are celebrated, companies and schools are leaving enormous amounts of talent, productivity, and creativity on the table. Overemphasizing the individual and removing others from the equation places a “soft cap” on our potential, an artificial limit on what we can achieve. But the good news is that I call this a soft cap for a reason: Because it can be lifted. Because when we work to help others achieve success, we not only raise the performance of the group, we exponentially increase our own potential. This is what I describe later in this book as a Virtuous Cycle—a positive feedback loop whereby making others better leads to more resources, energy, and experiences that make you better, fueling the cycle again. Thus, making others better takes your success to the next level. SMALL POTENTIAL is the limited success you can achieve alone. BIG POTENTIAL is the success you can achieve only in a Virtuous Cycle with others. … We can no longer be content competing for the scraps of Small Potential; we must seek new frontiers of human potential and invite others to follow. A challenging world demands that we put “the force of others” back into our formula.
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Tao Porchon-Lynch still practicing Yoga at 99

The Tao of Tao

As a little girl growing up in Pondicherry, India, Tao Porchon-Lynch was fascinated by the sight of little boys on the beach “making funny shapes with their bodies.” She quickly learned that they were doing yoga, and she just as quickly learned that it was something only boys did; it simply wasn’t ladylike. “Well,” the 8-year-old declared, “if boys can do it, I can do it.” Today, that same defiance against convention keeps her going; even as she prepares for her 100th birthday in August, she continues teaching yoga classes about eight times a week in addition to maintaining a busy travel schedule. Not content to slow down or give in to the stereotype of what aging looks like, Tao—who now calls New York City home—continues to live life on her own terms. “I don’t believe in age,” she says. “I believe in energy.” Storybook history Although she is small in stature, the energy that radiates from Tao is larger than life. Part of it comes to her naturally, she says, but learning to harness the power of that energy has allowed her to craft a remarkable life. “I have always experienced the joy of living,” she says. Her uncle, who raised her, “instilled in me a sense of freedom and curiosity to explore the energy in things and in myself. Every single day, he gave me something to think about, which now I see was yoga philosophy.” She also learned a gentle, determined brand of philosophy from one of her uncle’s friends, Mohandas, who was known to the rest of the world as Mahatma Gandhi. She would go on to march with him twice, including being part of the 1930 Salt March, a 24-day, 241-mile march to protest the British government’s monopoly on salt. At the time, Tao was just 11 years old, but it shaped her passion for activism and action. Nine years later, she joined her aunt in France to help Polish Jews escape after Hitler’s invasion of Poland. Risking their lives, Tao and her aunt hid Jews in cement wine vats in the family’s vineyard in the Rhône Valley. “When the Germans came to inspect the area, my aunt pretended to be courteous by asking, ‘Oh, wouldn’t you like to have a glass of wine?’” she recalls. “Inside the vat were people who were hardly breathing because of fear.” That experience led to working with the French Resistance, and when World War II ended, her exotic look (she’s half French and half Indian) caught the attention of fashion designers. She modeled for several major couture houses of the day, including Coco Chanel and Marcel Rochas, which led to being one of the first seven French models to tour America after the war. Remembering what her uncle and Gandhi had taught her about taking action, Tao seized the opportunity and met with movie studios, landing a contract with MGM. Her first part was in the movie Show Boat and led to minor roles in more than a half dozen other films as well as guest appearances on TV shows including The Bob Hope Show, I Married Joan and The Red Skelton Show. Following her breath Through it all, yoga has been a consistent, guiding force in Tao’s life, and she credits it with shaping her youthful mindset. “Yoga opens up a new dawn of life for both nature and mankind,” she says. “As we breathe, we experience the beauty of nature within us. We become in touch with this inner energy and the wonder of life around us.” The benefits of yoga, however, stretch beyond the physical world. “Yoga also helps manage the mind, and what you put in your mind materializes,” she explains. “I only want to materialize good.” And that, it appears, is what she has done. She is a yoga master who loves wine and milk chocolate and still wears high heels daily. Tao exudes a playful, childlike joy intertwined with nearly a century’s worth of wisdom. “There is so much to do and so little time,” Tao reminds. “You haven’t seen enough of this earth. There is a lot more to see that is beautiful. Travel. Learn how to dance. Stay curious.” Still going strong There’s no question that Tao walks her talk; in 2005, at the age of 87, she took up ballroom dancing and has since won hundreds of first-place awards—always with partners some 70 years younger than she. In 2015, she wowed television audiences when she showed off those skills on America’s Got Talent—dancing to Pitbull’s “Fireball,” no less. The performance won her a standing ovation and mainstream interest. “It’s been almost overwhelming,” she says. “Wherever I go, someone now recognizes me. I feel honored that people want to hear from me and take my classes.” In 2012, the Guinness World Records declared her the world’s oldest living yoga instructor, and last year, she became the new face of activewear maker Athleta’s “Power of She” campaign. In 2012, the Guinness World Records declared her the world’s oldest living yoga instructor, and last year, she became the new face of activewear maker Athleta’s “Power of She” campaign. Most recently, she was featured in the HBO documentary If You’re Not in the Obit, Eat Breakfast, alongside other 90-somethings including Betty White, Dick Van Dyke, Carl Reiner and more. “There is too much publicity in the world on people growing old and slowing down,” Tao says. “To me, it’s exactly the contrary. I look for the next adventure. It was fun to be included in the documentary because everyone in it is doing something inspiring in their 80s, 90s and even at 100. “It shows that age is in the mind.” And what’s in Tao’s mind remains youthful and optimistic, keeping her excited for each new day. “I wake up every day knowing that it will be the best day of my life—and it is,” she says. “Wake up with a smile on your face and the world will smile back at you.”
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Finding Happiness

Finding Happiness With the Help of Others

The latest research in maintaining the good life. Happiness, or the pursuit of, is at a record low with declines in 21 states, according to the Gallup-Sharecare Well-Being Index. Dan Witters, research director with Gallup-Sharecare, said on The Gallup Podcast that 2017 is “the worst well-being year on record for the nation.” Gallup-Sharecare measures well-being in five categories: purpose, social, financial, community and physical. The normal indicators that can drive down a well-being score, such as employment or a recession, don’t seem to factor into our unhappiness. Dan explains that Americans took a significant hit in social and purpose well-being and noted that poor mental health is increasing. Yikes! Well, we certainly have our work cut out for us to improve things this year. Challenge accepted. We have collected the latest in happiness research to show you that all is not lost. No matter how bad things can get politically, economically or emotionally, happiness is always a choice. Be a Social Butterfly Good social skills—or the ability to appropriately interact with others—are important for our physical and mental health, and the lack thereof can lead to serious complications. According to a recent study from the University of Arizona, poor social skills were linked to loneliness and stress. Researchers noted that learning good social skills can improve both physical and mental health. Happy Couples People who are married, especially to their best friend, enjoy more life satisfaction over those who are unmarried, according to a study from the Vancouver School of Economics. This marital bliss isn’t just in the honeymoon stage, but throughout the span of the relationship. This serves people especially well in midlife when we start to feel that U-shaped dip in life satisfaction as stressors pile on. Couples who feel they are married to their best friend experience about twice as much contentment. All Together Now If life has got you singing the blues, maybe try joining a choir to turn that frown upside down. A recent study from the University of East Anglia in England finds that singing in a group may be a great way to boost your mental health. Researchers monitored participants in the Sing Your Heart Out (SYHO) project who had had previous mental health issues reported less depression and anxiety. What’s more, the social aspects as well as the singing fostered greater feelings of belonging and well-being. Learned Happiness Earlier this year, Yale University's popular new course "Psychology and the Good Life," taught by Laurie Santos, Ph.D., broke an enrollment record with 1,200 students. Laurie says she started the class for three reasons: to share her knowledge of psychological science with the rest of the world, to help college students and to make herself a better person. “Psychology has a lot to say about fixing human problems—from the big global ones to the tiny personal ones," she says. “This course is my attempt to critically synthesize what psychologists have learned so far about making our lives better, both on a global and local scale.” For those who want to learn about the science of happiness without paying an Ivy League tuition bill, Laurie’s course is offered for free on Coursera.
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Masters of Mindfulness

Mindfulness in the Classroom

What if your child had a superpower that could help him or her be a nicer friend, a better student, make wiser choices and calm down from stressful situations? Laurie Grossman and Angelina Alvarez (Manriquez), co-authors of Master of Mindfulness: How to Be Your Own Superhero in Times of Stress, believe mindfulness is that superpower. “Kids having the ability to self-regulate, and to understand that is imperative,” Laurie says. “This is the most important tool that makes everything else work. If kids know how to calm down, then they know how to pay attention.” Laurie and Angelina’s book stems from their passion for the topic and highlights their work with Mason Musumeci’s fifth-grade class at Reach Academy in East Oakland, California, and the journey that these students made while practicing mindfulness. One technique used in the book is the Sharkfin, which is putting your hand in front of your face and slowly moving it down toward your chest. With your eyes closed and gentle breathing, you practice the five S’s: Sit up straight, sit still, sit silently, soft breathing and shut eyes. In the students’ own words, the book offers step-by-step instructions for mindful listening and breathing, including tips for specific situations such as bullying or problems at home. “If we can get kids to practice daily, just like brushing your teeth prevents cavities, practicing mindfulness can help the ravages of stress to not accumulate,” Laurie says. “If we teach them a tool, despite the craziness that is going on around them, they can find their center and their strengths.” If it were up to Laurie and Angelina, mindfulness would be part of every school's daily curriculum. “You can be really smart, but if you are thinking about what’s going on at home or if friends teased you, then you are not in the class with the teacher,” Laurie says. “What mindfulness does is it gets them in the class with the teacher.” Most of the kids in Reach Academy are no strangers to stress. Laurie says mindfulness creates a gap between emotion and reaction, giving the children a chance to calm down and make better decisions. Now, their fists of fury unclench while their Sharkfins go up. This not only makes life easier for the students and the teacher, but the knowledge of mindfulness creates a ripple effect that extends beyond the school. “What we are doing with awareness is creating space between what you feel and what you do,” Laurie says. “In that space lies freedom to choose how you will respond. That’s where the impulse control comes in. It is a proven stress reduction and it buildscommunity.”
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