Spending more time near green and blue spaces may be the boost your well-being needs.

Finding Happiness With Nature

The association of nature and its positive impact on well-being has been widely researched in recent history. The largest study on natural spaces and wellness recently released suggests that living in areas without enough access to nature can contribute to premature death. Whether it’s to get nourishment, physical activity or serenity, being in nature can make us happier. According to the biophilia hypothesis, we have an innate connection with green and blue spaces and having more of it in our lives can do wonders for our well-being. A Walk in the Park Spending just 20 minutes in a city park can make you happier and you don’t even have to exercise, according to a study published in the International Journal of Environmental Health Research. The reason for this, researchers explain, is that urban parks provide opportunities for people to connect with nature as well as with each other. Nearly 100 participants filled out questionnaires regarding their subjective well-being before and after their park visits. Results show a “significant improvement” in subjective well-being after the visit, with the highest improvement in life satisfaction by 64 percent. In a separate study from the University of Vermont, researchers found that spending time in parks lifted moods equivalent to the same kind of feelings people felt of Christmas. Stop and Smell the Roses It’s not just immersing yourself in nature that gives you an emotional boost, just noticing small doses of it can have positive benefits too. In a two-week nature-based well-being intervention, researchers at the University of British Columbia in Canada found that participants who took note of their feelings every time they encountered nature throughout the day, for example, a small flower, a sprawling tree or a beam of sunlight through a window, reported elevated levels of well-being over those who noticed “human-built objects.” In addition to feeling more connected to nature, respondents also reported feeling more connected with people and with life in general. That’s for the Birds It seems that nature not only makes us happier but could help stave off depression and anxiety too. A study from the University of Exeter, the British Trust for Ornithology and the University of Queensland in the United Kingdom suggests people who live in areas with a higher concentration of birds have a more positive state of mental well-being. It doesn’t matter what type of birds are observed, just listening to their songs or watching from a window can lower stress. These findings, researchers contend, suggest nature can be used as a form of preventative health care. Not So Blue Anymore Living near a body of water may contribute to your well-being by alleviating symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression, according to a study in the journal Health & Place. It seems that living near blue spaces, including rivers, lakes and oceans, has been associated with more exercise, reduction of stress and an increase in relaxation. While the research is still new into blue spaces, living near water may be a cost-effective way to alleviate medical inequalities in lower-income areas.   So, if you are looking for a holistic way to reduce your stress and anxiety and potentially increase your happiness, try taking in more nature.
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Kindness Counts When Sharing Happiness

Welcome, Happy Activists! A Happy Activist is someone who, through kind words and intentional positive actions, strives to make the world a better place. Live Happy invites you to join our #HappyActs movement! We encourage everyone to incorporate kindness into your daily lives by participating in each month’s planned activity. The more people who join the #HappyActs movement, the greater the positive impact we’ll all have on our homes, workplaces and communities. What you think and do matters! November’s Happy Act theme is kindness. People who practice kindness show more compassion and are more willing to help people in need. According to Character Strengths Interventions: A Field Guide for Practitioners by Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D., when we add more kindness into our lives, we help alleviate some of the negative effects of stress and anxiety. Kindness is also associated with other important character strengths, such as gratitude, leadership and love. November’s Happy Act is to make the world a kinder place through good deeds, favors and helping others. This month, think about how many ways you can do something nice for someone else, for example, raking leaves or shoveling snow for a neighbor, giving extra for holiday charity drives or just holding the door for some who has their hands full. If it helps, make a plan of action beforehand, so you’ll be prepared when a moment to practice kindness presents itself. Don’t forget to write down each time you do something kind for someone else and how it made you feel. At the end of the month, reflect on your kind acts and see if your attitude and mindset changed at all. Our November Happy Activist is Marilyn Boss, aka The Happy Lady. This Floridian retired from corporate life and now focuses on bringing happiness into the lives of others through acts of kindness and happiness workshops. “You never know whose life will change with one Happy Act of Kindness,” Marilyn says. “Happiness is a choice and we get to choose it every day.” Every year on the International Day of Happiness, Marilyn sponsors multiple Happiness Walls by sharing happiness and happy acts in classrooms, before and after school programs, summer camps, Job Corps of America and the homes of veterans. Her goal is to sponsor more than 100 walls in just three years. “I have such gratitude for how Happiness Walls have changed my life,” she says. “I learned along the way how to use the tools that I share to be truly happy and I want that for everyone.” For more on kindness, check out these articles: Happy World Kindness Day! Four Ways to Grow Kind Kids 'The Kind Mama' Builds Community Practice Random Acts of Kindness Every Day Time to up your #HappyActs game. Help us spread global happiness by becoming a Happy Activist and host your very own Happiness Wall. Learn how you can host a wall at your school, business or organization and find out how to create your own fantastic wall using one of our Happy Acts Wall Kits.
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Calm brunette female with closed eyes, keeps both palms on heart, feels gratitude, being touched by something, dressed in casual pink t shirt, isolated over white background.

Forgiveness Means Freedom

Our families of origin, the families into which we are born, are the source not only of love, warmth, and special memories, but also of core wounds that can haunt us for a lifetime. On a spectrum of emotional injury, these wounds may fall anywhere from minor to devastating. In some families, these hurts were inflicted despite the best of intentions and greatest of efforts, while in others, the harm was more deliberate. In my medical practice, I frequently see patients who have low self-esteem or even feel self-hatred. On some level, as a result of the core wounding they experienced, they think they are unworthy of good health and nourishing relationships. While there are numerous causes of illness—viruses, bacterial infections, environmental toxins and more—the emotional fallout from core wounding may at best interfere with the body’s healing process and at worst have a more direct and adverse impact on physical health. In the interest of our own wellness, I maintain that it is essential for us to release ourselves from the consequences of harm from family members, whether that hurt was intentional or not, and whether it was severe or mild. I define this process as “forgiveness.” In a Slow Medicine context, forgiving means releasing ourselves from the shackles of resentment, hatred and other inflammatory emotions that, if left unchecked, can exacerbate the harm already done to us. Let me be perfectly clear: Forgiving does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It especially does not mean getting back into the ring with a manipulative, abusive or otherwise toxic individual. It does, however, require a deep reach into our own humanity. It asks that we recognize someone else’s limitations, accept the reality of their resulting behavior, and—most challenging of all—rise above it all. It asks that we ultimately make choices that support our health on every level. We can forgive family members and feel unconditional love for them, without ever seeing or speaking with them again. We even can forgive family members while taking them to court or otherwise holding them publicly accountable for their actions, as in the case of domestic violence. Forgiving simply means that we stop churning through the unproductive emotions that drag us down instead of lifting us up. In some situations, of course, we humbly may realize that our grievances and resentments are more of a matter of ego than anything else. In these cases, we may choose to overlook squabbles of the past and attempt to reconcile in the interest of restoring an important relationship. Indeed, once we grow from the experiences of the past, we might gain something very significant. When we reach out with an open heart and are met in kind, the depth of healing is profound. So perhaps the risk inherent in attempting to reconcile is worth the potential benefit. Whether and however we decide to interact with our families of origin, the bottom line is this: In the interest of our own wellness, we need to “forgive,” so as to free ourselves from the trap of recycling childhood wounds. To the best of our ability, we need to oust from our very cells the energy of the action that was taken against us so that we are no longer controlled or harmed by it. This release may happen through any number of means that help us cultivate peace and tranquility: writing a memoir, practicing meditation, white-water rafting, teaching self-defense, raising happy children, or doing whatever else helps us turn our anger, fear and hurt into something healthy and productive. We have very limited control over people and circumstances outside ourselves. We cannot make someone think, feel, or be what we want, and we cannot go back in time and undo the past. But we still have the power to make choices that contribute to a different kind of future, where we can walk side by side with people who feed our souls. Through “forgiving,” or releasing, family members who have harmed us, and through doing our best to live passionately and manifest our life’s purpose, we can experience deep healing in our bodies and our hearts. By turning the pain and indignities of the past into something positive for ourselves and others, we can transform, like a caterpillar, and emerge with wings to fly. For more on forgiveness, listen to Dr. Michael Finkestein on the Live Happy Now podcast.
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Developing a Winning Mindset With Annie Vernon

If you’ve ever watched elite athletes and wondered what makes them so different, we’ve got great news for you: Today’s guest can answer that question. What’s even better is that she can tell you how you can apply some of the same winning techniques to your own life. Annie Vernon is a two-time World Champion, Olympic silver medalist with the Great Britain Rowing Team and a two-time Olympian who has learned that the secret to winning doesn’t just lie in physical prowess, but is just as dependent upon the right mindset. In her book, Mind Games: Determination, Doubt and Lucky Socks: An Insider’s Guide to the Psychology of Elite Athletes, she explores how the way we think changes our outcomes. So, whether your playing field is a boardroom, a classroom or your kid’s playroom, she’s here to tell you how changing your mindset can improve your game. In this episode, you'll learn: Why training your mind is just as important as physical training. Why self-awareness is so important to your mindset. How small changes in your mindset can yield huge results. Links and Resources Twitter: @annievernongb Instagram: @annievernongb Watch her TED talk on how competition can either be a supreme motivator or a crushing demoralized. Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:           
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Get More for Your Money

When you think of financial well-being, perhaps you think about having enough money in the bank for retirement or a stable job that gives you a regular paycheck. Or maybe it’s just being able to cover your expenses and save a little each month. Each of those examples are ways of calibrating financial well-being. I would like to suggest a new way to define financial well-being that focuses on the psychology of happiness. Happiness comes from a variety of sources, including the ability to create and enjoy memories and experiences. I propose that as part of building financial well-being that we carve out some of our finances to fill our lives with more of those things we so enjoy. When it comes to money, most of us like to think about how we are going to spend it. When the paycheck arrives, we first think about what bills we need to pay, what we want to buy, and—hopefully—what we plan to save or donate to charity. One thing many of us do not think about is how we might use our money to create more happiness in our lives by investing in gratifying life experiences. Though these experiences are often intangible, they can be appreciated for a lifetime. In one study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, researchers from San Francisco State University found that before making a purchase, people stated that they knew that a life experience would bring them more happiness, but that they thought it would make more financial sense to buy the material item. However, the researchers also found that the same individuals’ opinions changed after they made the purchase. Most of the participants said that they realized the life experience would have made them happier and also had better financial value. It may not seem like it when you’re passing by the department store window, but when it comes to long-term happiness, life experiences instill the greatest memories and bring the greatest joy. Making memories with your family and friends is a great way to connect." Some of my favorite memories come from experiences such as the day at the theme park with my children and their look of pride when they finally went on the big roller coaster; or the time we went on a progressive dinner and ate an appetizer at one restaurant, a main course at another and dessert at a third! In my private practice, I have heard time and time again from clients how important and lasting life experiences have been to their happiness.I had a client, Sharon, who was experiencing some marital difficulties and considerable financial stress.Her husband had ruined their family financially, which left her in an extremely bad situation.She ultimately became a single mom and had to rebuild her life. She also needed to take care of herself on an emotional level.She found joy in baking and enjoyed spending that quality time with her children.She carved out money each month to shop for unique ingredients and decorations while her kids bragged that their family owned 52 kinds of sprinkles! Though the sprinkles may qualify as “things,” they were merely an add-on to the incredible shared experience and wonderful memories of baking that my client was giving to her daughters. The goal here is not to go out and buy the most sprinkles in the neighborhood or to spend money at a theme park. The goal is to put aside some money every month for the set purpose of creating memories that can move you and the people that you care about into an emotionally positive place—creating lasting memories along the way. This effort toward my version of financial well-being involves creating experiences that aren’t routine; they are about doing something special. Swim with the dolphins, travel, take up a new hobby, bake five different kinds of unusual cookies and share them with your favorite neighbors. Take tons of pictures and make memory books, absorb the sights, smells and tastes of something new. When I am doing these activities, I tell myself to take pictures with my eyes. What I mean by that is that I will take a moment to focus on what I am seeing or doing, and I try to take in what it looks like, feels like, smells like so that I can remember as much as I can when I recall the experience. Making memories with your family and friends is a great way to connect. You can continue that bond by talking about the shared experience far into the future. Another tip: Make sure to include all of the participants in the planning, because often the anticipation and organizing of the activity is part of the joy and fun. That said, making memories can be unplanned as well. Sometimes a spontaneous trip to the beach with a picnic lunch from your favorite sandwich place or a quick surprise night away can be perfect happy memory makers! So, the next time you get that paycheck, or some money lands in your lap, see if you can set aside a little spending money that will enhance your financial as well as emotional well-being, and go make some memories. This article originally appeared in the February 2016 issue of Live Happy magazine.
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3 Steps for Raising Resilient Children

In our fast-paced competitive world, children often struggle to maintain their emotional stability, growing up safe and secure. Today, kids face challenges and dangers most of us never dreamed of, online predators, mass school shootings, cyberbullying—all of which can lead to anxiety, depression and worse (the consequences for which can be horrifying), all reminding us that parents need to pay attention. In my new book 21st Century Parenting, I point out that successful, emotionally stable children have parents who pay close attention to what’s going on in their child’s world emotionally, socially and behaviorally. They equip their children with the necessary tools to respond effectively to various challenges, supporting their resiliency towards embracing new opportunities driving them to their highest level of success. However, there are several obstacles parents must contend with in achieving that desired result. Each day millions of children and adolescents enter their world with more than their books, pens and iPads, often toting emotional backpacks crammed with issues, concerns and influence impacting their daily efforts. Unprepared due to insufficient parental support, direction and coping skills, their inability to demonstrate the resiliency needed to respond to various life crises, often causes them to embark on a downward spiral leading to decisions that sabotage their success. Others have similar experiences but respond with healthy coping mechanisms their parents helped develop. As a result, they bounce back, make good decisions and progress academically, socially and emotionally, feeling loved and supported by their family. So, how can parents guarantee parenting and family success? A direction parents may want to consider is a new twist on an old theme. Remember the old 3 Rs: reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic? Today, there’s a new set of 3 Rs, supporting a parental paradigm shift suggesting in order for children to be successful with the old three Rs, and more, parental attention should be focused on the influences and challenges affecting a child’s performance, health and welfare, and their inability to navigate through this “mind-field” of challenges without parental direction. The New 3 Rs The “New 3 Rs”, Reading, Regulating and Redirecting, provide parents a "Parenting GPS," leading to successful, emotionally stable children with promising futures who, when confronted with conflict or disappointment, make good decisions supporting positive outcomes with a sense of confidence control, and security. Reading identifies what parents must pay attention to, relating to what’s going on in their child’s world. By learning to read their child’s environment, their behavior, reactions and needs, parents come to recognize the challenges and conflicts their children are presented, knowing who and what influences them, and how this affects their performance and success. Regulating is where parents learn how to teach their child self-regulation. By recognizing the importance of teaching their children how to regulate their emotional temperature, parents can keep their children from slipping into negative mood states, as well as recognize how, if left uncontrolled, such responses can impact their child’s success, coloring the decisions they make and behaviors they demonstrate. Redirecting is where parents learn the importance of parental leadership, redirecting their child’s behavior in order to achieve positive outcomes, helping their children accomplish relevant goals that lead to a heightened sense of self-worth, self-assurance and motivation. So, today’s 21st-century answer to raising emotionally resilient children who bounce back from adversity and embrace new opportunities is adopting a new set of 3 Rs, Reading, Regulating and Redirecting a child’s environment, emotions and behavior, establishing present and future success and emotional well-being. Of course, this doesn’t come automatically. You can’t tweet, Google, FaceTime, Instagram or Snapchat your way to a healthy, successful family. Nor can you find parenting success on aisle nine at Target. Being a successful 21st-century parent mandates parents to recognize that what their children need most is the committed leadership and support of the single most influential people in their lives, their parents, supporting their development, safety and success—because if they don’t, no one else will.
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Angry boss ceo scolding rebuking incompetent office worker intern, dissatisfied team leader shouting pointing finger at employee for bad work failure, reprimand or discrimination at work concept

Preventing Workplace Negativity Could Save Billions

Having a toxic culture in the workplace can lead to a number of serious problems including employee burnout, dissatisfaction and absenteeism, all amounting to a significant loss in capital, according to a new report commissioned by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM). The recently released 2019 SHRM Omnibus Survey found that bad workplace culture cost American businesses billions of dollars over the past five years due to turnover. SHRM President and CEO Johnny C. Taylor, Jr., SHRM-SCP states in a release: “Billions of wasted dollars. Millions of miserable people. It’s not a warzone—it’s the state of the American workplace. Toxicity itself isn’t new. But now that we know the high costs and how managers can make workplaces better, there’s no excuse for inaction.” One out of five workers reported leaving a job because of poor workplace culture and almost 60 percent said their people managers were the main reason. The report also states that when employees feel like they have less autonomy, poor communication and they are not being heard, dissatisfaction sets in. Shola Richards, best-selling author of Making Work Work: The Positivity Solution for Any Work Environment, frequently speaks to businesses about the dangers of toxic workplace culture as well as workplace bullying. He says on top of the billions of dollars lost to these issues, the lives of employees are being damaged. “Employees who are forced to spend 40+ hours a week in a toxic environment pay an enormous price with their mental, emotional and physical health with life-diminishing outcomes ranging from PTSD to suicide,” Shola says. Toxic environments can add more stress and exhaustion, affecting the health and well-being of employees. This continued trend of bad culture can seep outside of the workplace having a negative impact on life beyond the job. Three out of 10 respondents already claim that workplace toxicity carries over into the home. “It is safe to say that any organization who is not consciously paying attention to this issue is actively making the world a worse place for all of us,” Shola says. Lead by Example More than three-quarters of employees agree that managers should be the people who set the workplace culture. A recent Gallup survey on disengaged employees found a 15 percent greater likelihood that an employee will thrive if their direct report is thriving too. “As a leader, your team is always watching you,” Shola says. “They’re observing how you handle someone who disagrees with you, they’re watching to see how (or if) you recognize someone for a job well done, they’re waiting to see how you respond when you’re up against a critical deadline and the stress is palpable.” He says leaders set the tone and if a bad tone is set, people will follow down the negative path and the toxicity spreads. But, he points out, examples can work both ways. “That’s why it is critical for leaders to set a positive, collaborative tone so that the culture has a greater chance of thriving.” Play the Right Way Having a positive workplace culture can be the X-factor that makes a business thrive. Employees who are happy and engaged are healthier, more productive and miss less work, according to Gallup. This is not only good for employees, but happy workers increase profits, too. Here are a few suggestions Shola has for employers to prevent a toxic workplace culture: “Listen to the employees, seek out their opinions and feedback, and take their concerns seriously.” “Have systems and policies in place—like an anti-bullying policy—to protect employees from toxic and abusive behavior (most importantly, these safeguards must be consistently enforced).” “Most importantly, be a model of civility and encourage (and reward) it in others.” Shola believes that employees can also play an active role in the company culture by not contributing to toxic behavior or being passive to the toxicity. “The most effective way for an individual to positively transform the culture is to be the change that you want to see in the world, as Gandhi once said,” Sholas says. “Equally as important is recruiting as many people as possible who are willing to do the same. This is how all meaningful change and world-altering movements are created, and I believe that this formula can also be effective in transforming workplace cultures.” For more on this topic, check out our podcast Overcoming Workplace Bullying With Dr. Britt Andreatta.
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portrait of boxer Mia St. John

Mia St. John Is in Your Corner

Mia St. John understands tragic grief. Her son, Julian, who suffered from schizophrenia, committed suicide in 2014. Just last year, Julian’s father and Mia’s ex-husband actor Kristoff St. John passed away as well. After such loss, it’s understandable how someone could stumble back into old habits and break 30 years of sobriety. But for Mia, a world champion boxer and mental health advocate, she knew she had to get better. “There was a point where I thought that I would not recover and I was at my lowest low,” she said. “There was nowhere to go, I felt, but up. That's my personality. I always have felt that when I feel like I have no lower, I feel like I have no choice, but to pick myself up and fight on.” And she has. Mia is a staunch advocate for shining the light on the stigma of mental health and bringing its sufferers out of the darkness. Through her charitable organization, the Mia St. John Foundation, she helps those with mental health issues find dignity and purpose. She gives talks all over the country bringing awareness about the importance of mental health as well what to look for when someone is suffering, such as disinterest in normal activities, irrational speech, less interaction or any talk of suicide and depression. “Pay attention to that call for attention,” she says. What inspired you to become an advocate for mental health? I've always been interested mental health. My degree is in Psychology. My profession was as a fighter and I had always had interests in mental health, especially after my son was diagnosed with schizophrenia. After the death of my son, I realized how inadequate our mental health facilities are in the state of California. … I feel that to shut them down is not the answer, but to reform them instead. Who taught you the most about happiness and why? My sister, Leslie, who's deeply spiritual, taught me the most about happiness. The second person who taught me the most about happiness is Deepak Chopra. He has helped to guide my meditation. When is the last time you laughed out loud? I laughed out loud this morning. What is your go-to book, movie or TV show that lifts your mood? My go-to movie to lift my mood is The Stillness Is You. It's a very short film that you can buy on YouTube. Every time I feel down, it brings me up. What is the kindest act someone has ever done for you? We have just had a lot of like really dedicated fans who have remained loyal throughout the years and always manage to brighten my day with their sweet messages. What are you passionate about? I am passionate about traveling the world. As a 5-time boxing world champion, I was able to go to so many different countries and experience many different cultures. I love nature—from waterfalls, to the mountains, to the ocean, to the sunsets. How do you make others close to you happy? I make others happy by being happy myself, leading as an example. I always want to show an example of positivity. If I am happy, then I will inevitably help others around me to be happy. Where is your happy place? My happy place is in nature, by the water.
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Laughter Breaks Trauma’s Grim Spell

Reader’s Digest used to tell us each month that “laughter is the best medicine.” Drawing on folk wisdom, the Digest was reminding us that laughter could help us through the ordinary, daily unhappiness that might come into our lives. In 1976, Norman Cousins, the revered editor of the Saturday Review, wrote a piece that signaled the arrival of laughter in the precincts of science. It was called “Anatomy of an Illness (as Perceived by the Patient)” and appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine, the United States’ most prestigious medical publication. When the best conventional care failed to improve his ankylosing spondylitis—a crippling autoimmune spinal arthritis—Cousins took matters into his own hands. He checked himself out of the hospital and into a hotel, took megadoses of anti-inflammatory vitamin C, and watched long hours of Marx Brothers movies and TV sitcoms. He laughed and kept on laughing. He noticed that as he did, his pain diminished. He felt stronger and better. As good an observer as any of his first-rate doctors, he developed his own dose-response curve: ten minutes of belly laughter gave him two hours of pain-free sleep. Soon enough, he became more mobile. Once the healing power of laughter was on the medical map, researchers began to systematically explore its stress-reducing, health-promoting, pain-relieving potential. Laughter has now been shown to decrease stress levels and improve mood in cancer patients receiving chemotherapy, to decrease hostility in patients in mental hospitals, and to lower heart rate and blood pressure and enhance mood and performance in generally healthy IT professionals. In numerous experiments, people with every imaginable diagnosis have reduced their pain by laughing. Laughter stimulates the dome-shaped diaphragmatic muscle that separates our chest from our abdomen, as well as our abdominal, back, leg and facial muscles. After we laugh for a few minutes, these muscles relax. Then our blood pressure and stress hormone levels decrease; pain-relieving and mood-elevating endorphins increase, as do levels of calming serotonin and energizing dopamine. Our immune functioning—probably a factor in Cousins’s eventual recovery—improves. If we are diabetic, our blood sugar goes down. Laughter is good exercise. It’s definitely healthy. And it’s first-rate for relieving stress. Laughter also has a transforming power that transcends physiological enhancement and stress reduction. Laughter can break the spell of the fixed, counterproductive, self-condemning thinking that is so pervasive and so devastating to us after we’ve been traumatized. It can free us from the feelings of victimization that may shadow our lives and blind us to each moment’s pleasures and the future’s possibilities. The wisdom traditions of the East extend laughter’s lessons. Zen Buddhism surprises us with thunderclaps of laughter to wake us from mental habits that have brought unnecessary, self-inflicted suffering. Sufi stories do the same job but more slyly. Over the years, I watched as my acupuncture and meditation teacher Shyam, himself a consummate joker, punctured the self-protectiveness, pomposities and posturing that kept his patients and students—including, of course, me—from being at ease and natural, joyous in each moment of our lives. The stories he told from India, China and the Middle East brought the point home: seriousness is a disease. Sorrow is real and to be honored, but obsessively dwelling on losses and pain only adds to our sickness. Laughter at ourselves and all our circumstances is our healing birthright. A story I first heard from Shyam about the Three Laughing Monks is apropos. It is said that long ago, there were three monks who walked the length and breadth of China, laughing great, belly-shaking laughs as they went. They brought joy to each village they visited, laughing as they entered, laughing for the hours or days they stayed and laughing as they left. No words. And it’s said that after a while everyone in the villages—the poorest and most put-upon and also the most privileged and pompous—got the message. They, too, lost their pained seriousness, laughed with the monks and found relief and joy. One day, after many years, one of the monks died. The two remaining monks continued to laugh. This time when villagers asked why, they responded, “We are laughing because we have always wondered who would die first, and he did and therefore he won. We’re laughing at his victory and our defeat, and with memories of all the good times we have had together.” Still, the villagers were sad for their loss. Then came the funeral. The dead monk had asked that he not be bathed, as was customary, or have his clothes changed. He had told his brother monks that he was never unclean, because laughter had kept all impurities from him. They respected his wishes, put his still-clothed, unwashed body on a pile of wood, and lit it. As the flames rose, there were sudden loud, banging noises. The living monks realized that their brother, knowing he was going to die, had hidden fireworks in his clothes. They laughed and laughed and laughed. “You have defeated us a second time and made a joke even of death.” Now they laughed even louder. And it is said that the whole village began to laugh with them. This is the laughter that shakes off all concerns, all worries, all holding on to anything that troubles our mind or heart, anything that keeps us from fully living in the present moment. Researchers and clinicians may lack the total commitment to laughter of the three monks, but they are beginning to explore and make use of its power. Working together in various institutions, they’ve developed a variety of therapeutic protocols that may include interactions with clowns and instruction in performing stand-up comedy. “Laughter yoga,” which has most often been studied, combines inspirational talks, hand clapping, arm swinging, chanting “ho, ho” and “ha, ha,” deep breathing, and brief periods of intentional laughter; it often concludes with positive statements about happiness. I agree that funny movies and jokes and games of all kinds can be useful tools to pry us loose from crippling seriousness. Still, I prefer to begin with a simple, direct approach: three to five minutes of straight-out,straight-ahead, intentional belly laughter. It’s very easy to learn and easy to practice. I’ll teach it to you. I do it with patients individually or in groups, when the atmosphere is thick with smothering self-importance or self-defeating, progress-impeding self-pity. It’s not a panacea, a cure-all. But, again and again, I’ve seen it get energetic juices flowing, rebalance agitation-driven minds, melt trauma-frozen bodies, dispel clouds of doubt and doom, and let in the light of hope. This laughter needs to begin with effort. It must force its way through forests of self-consciousness and self-pity, crack physical and emotional walls erected by remembered hurt and present pain. Once you decide to do it, the process is simple. You stand with your knees slightly bent, arms loose, and begin, forcing the laughter up from your belly, feeling it contract, pushing out the sounds—barks, chuckles, giggles. You keep going, summoning the will and energy to churn sound up and out. Start with three or four minutes and increase when you feel more is needed. You can laugh anytime you feel yourself tightening up with tension, pumping yourself up with self-importance or freezing with fear. And the more intense those feelings are, the more shut-down and self-righteous, the more pained and lost and hopeless you are, the more important laughter is. Then laughter may even be lifesaving. After a few minutes of forced laughter, effort may dissolve, and the laughter itself may take charge. Now each unwilled, involuntary, body-shaking, belly-aching jolt provokes the next in a waterfall of laughter. Laughter can be contagious. Other people will want to laugh with you. And after laughing, as you become relaxed and less serious, you may find that people relate to you differently. Sensing the change in you, they may greet you or smile at you on the street. And you may find that you’re happy to see them and that you enjoy the warmth of this new connection. Don’t take my word for any of this. Do the experiment with daily laughter and see. Excerpted from The Transformation by James S. Gordon, MD. Reprinted with permission of HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright 2019.
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Young woman covering her ears.

10 Ways to Overcome Your Inner Bully

We all have an inner bully, but the fight to overcome our critical voice can help us remove the obstacles that may be getting in the way of personal happiness. In her new book, Live Your Gift: Discovering Your Authentic Life Through Life Mapping, author Dana Adams gives people strategies to overcome their inner bully to discover their unique purpose and gifts. Here’s 10 things she says you can do to silence your inner bully: Recognize that you get to choose. You have an inner bully and an inner cheerleader. Which one will you listen to? That internal bullying voice that so many of us have may even be more powerful than the helping voice—the one that’s wise and trying to guide us to do our best work and be the best we can be. The good news is we can practice silencing the critic and listening to our wise cheerleader instead. Break up with your inner bully. Pinpoint where the inner critic is coming from so you can detach from it. Did it start from a specific event? Was it a time when you felt like you didn’t fit in or were criticized? When you can identify where it came from and realize it’s not about you and you can let go of it. The negative voice is something that we create; it's a story we tell ourselves. Practice detaching from the inner bully. Be careful what information you believe. It’s important for all of us to realize that when someone is giving you advice, critiquing you or telling you something about how you're acting, they’re viewing your behavior from their experience and their world. What others say doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Too often, we take what’s said at face value—putting great stock in it—when it’s not even true. Words from others can strike a nerve or hit a trigger point where we might already be insecure, pounding that unhealthy message in even deeper. This impact can hold you back and cause you not to play to your full potential. Lean toward your wise inner voice more than outside influences. Yes, that bully voice can come from many external sources. It’s common to feel the weight of outside influence from their friends and family who are really important for a sense of acceptance. The critical voice also can come from teachers, coaches, and even us, as parents. Work to see the long-term ramifications of your choices—even when you may only be focusing on what’s right in front of you. (As parents, we can help by walking our kids through potential ramifications of their choices, so they consider the impact on their future on a much bigger scale.) Don’t live for the approval of others. One of the biggest ways the inner bully can hold you back is when you become more concerned about how you’re showing up, and what you look like—not only in your appearance, but in the way you act. When your start filtering everything through whether people are going to approve or disapprove of something you might try—even if it’s something you love—you might suddenly change your mind and not do anything at all. When we aren’t willing to express ourselves in ways we are meant to, these roadblocks can show up suddenly. This can result in not getting the approval we want, and suddenly we change our mind about doing something. Protect yourself from your insecurities. The inner critic starts its chatter on your insecurities. So, where you don't feel as confident, you are more likely to hear the chatter of: Are you really sure you want to try that? What if you look dumb? What if people make fun of you? What if you fail? You don’t have any experience in this yet. This is when you have the choice to recognize that this is just the critic speaking and you don’t have to listen to the critic. Be aware that the inner bully can go straight for your insecurities, so that’s when you have to fight back the hardest to not listen and choose your positive voice and path instead. Realize life is learning. Insecure chatter is unfortunate because it can stop people. Instead, we need to realize that this is how we learn, by trying and experimenting. This is how we begin to understand what we do well, or what excites us. When we allow ourselves to discover our interests, we can choose to spend more time enjoying them. If we don't even try because the voice inside is stopping us, then it really becomes a problem—it’s a dream crusher. The critic doesn’t speak the truth. The reality is that so much of that critic lives up in our head. It’s not the truth. Replace that inner bully voice with the wise words. How would the older, wiser you guide your younger self? Realize setbacks give you valuable information to get you ahead. Our insecurities and inner critic are all wrapped up with our fears. When you fail or things don’t work out as you hoped, ask yourself: What did I learn? This information becomes powerful moving forward. When we don’t get the result we want, we can realize that the experience still moved us ahead because of what we learned. Then we can ask: What can I do differently in the future? And, we also can say: You know what? Good job for trying in the first place. Inspire others to defeat their inner bully. Another powerful impact of courageously trying something new is it gives other people around us the permission to do the same. When we are more confident in our own choices, we can calm that bully voice and say: You know, that’s not real. That’s a fear-based voice. And instead say: I am capable. I can do this. I am ready. It’s a much more empowering place to be, and you just might inspire others along with you.
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