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Female Patient And Doctor Have Consultation In Hospital Room

A Case for the Power of Positivity

As a plastic surgeon, I share the healing journey of my patients on many different levels. It is something that often begins even before the surgery itself takes place. While most of us see the recovery process as something that takes place in the body, I’ve learned that one of the most important factors in my patients’ ability to heal has less to do with their physical health and more to do with their positive mental outlook. Attitude is crucial in everything we do in life; it can turn a seemingly bad day into a good one and give us a fresh perspective when a situation seems hopeless. But when it comes to the healing process, a positive attitude is the best medicine that money can’t buy. Research shows a positive attitude increases our life span, provides a better ability to cope with challenges and even improves our immune system. Being able to look at a challenging situation with a positive outlook doesn’t mean you ignore tough situations or deny the emotional impact they have on you; it simply means that you approach that situation in a more productive way. You start looking for the best thing that can happen in the situation instead of dwelling on the worst. When you do that, you’ll discover that amazing things happen. You’ll be reminded that you can make it through whatever challenges you’re dealing with. I’ve seen this happen time and time again in my practice, and it inspires me every time. It’s a tremendous reminder that you can’t choose everything that happens to you, but what matters is how you choose to react to it. Transforming From the Inside Out I first met Virginia when she was a guest on our television show, The Doctors, and discussed what it was like to live with Parry-Romberg Syndrome. Parry-Romberg is a fairly rare autoimmune disorder that causes the tissues underneath the skin to shrink and degenerate. It literally looks like part of the person’s face is melting away. Imagine watching each day as the face in the mirror changes and becomes a stranger to you but not knowing how to stop it. At 44, Virginia had lived with this condition for more than 30 years, and it caused her a tremendous amount of both physical and emotional trauma. She had been to many doctors who were unable to help her, which only added to her frustration. And, she denied herself the privilege of becoming a mother because she was afraid of passing this disorder on to her child. Unless you’ve been born with some sort of physical deformity, I don’t think it’s possible to understand the kind of emotional agony Virginia suffered. Yet she was brave enough to come on the show and share her compelling story with our audience. Her story not only moved our viewers, it affected me, too. I joined with my colleague, Dr. Ritu Chopra, to surgically rebuild what this disorder had taken from Virginia. But it wasn’t just her physical appearance we restored; the procedure also brought back her bubbly, enthusiastic personality. She became more social and interactive with others; her new physical appearance restored her enthusiasm and confidence. Being part of that transformation was a powerful experience for me. I learn so much from the patients I see who refuse to give up, and when we can help change their lives, it changes our lives as well. There’s something to be said for giving back, because when we do that, we find gifts that we never imagined. For me, that gift has been learning just how powerful positivity can be. Beneath the Surface In my 30 years of work as a plastic surgeon, working with patients like Virginia has been key to my growth not only as a doctor, but also as a person. Like many doctors, I have participated in charities abroad, performing procedures that wouldn’t otherwise be available to them. Over time, however, I realized that so many people here in the U.S. needed reconstructive surgery as well. That’s why we started the Surgical Friends Foundation, which works with burn victims and those who have been scarred or disfigured by domestic violence. What I’ve gained through this experience has been so important, not only because it allows me to use my skills as a surgeon in such a beneficial and life-changing way, but because of what it’s taught me about the human spirit. I regularly see people who are very positive and optimistic despite facing incredibly difficult challenges. Seeing that reminds me that there are many people in this world with problems greater than mine. And it lets me know that I can get through whatever it is I’m going through. They’re an inspiration to me. And it encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing. (This article originally appeared in the June 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.)

Self-Care

7 Ways People-Pleasers Can Meet Their Own Needs

If you are a good-hearted person, it is natural to want to please others. As one who seriously considers the feelings of those around you, you likely engage in several selfless and kind behaviors that benefit your loved ones and strangers alike. Whether you bring cookies to your elderly neighbor, offer an empathetic ear to a distressed friend, or allow a harried mom to step in front of you in line at the grocery store, your attempts to contribute to others' happiness and well-being are noble and laudable. But sometimes, it is possible to take it too far. If your desire to please others is stronger than your need for self-care, your people-pleasing ways may negatively impact your well-being. If, for example, you felt pressured to spend all weekend helping a friend move—but as a result, missed an important work deadline on Monday—then your job performance may seriously suffer. Or, if you stayed up all night on the phone with an upset friend (who said you were the only one who understands her), you might not be able to concentrate on that important exam scheduled the next morning. When you go too far, allowing your own self-care to take a back seat to others' needs, you will likely become frustrated, exhausted and discouraged. And when you regularly disregard your own wants and needs to appease others, you may even experience chronic stress and other health problems. So, what can you do to address your own needs while showing kind consideration to others? How can you strike a healthy balance between selflessness and self-consideration? 1. Start to recognize your people-pleasing behaviors. Change is not possible without awareness. Pay attention to the choices you make to please others: If your colleague asks you to take on some of her tasks, do you do it because you don’t want to tell her “no”? If your mother asks you to come by for dinner after work—even though you just wanted to go home and relax—do you go anyway so you don’t let her down? Or, if the waitress gives you the wrong dish, do you eat it anyway so you don’t inconvenience her? If you find yourself appeasing others in this way, don’t judge yourself. Simply notice. Determine how often you make choices to please someone else despite what you really want to do and make a note of it. 2. Notice the consequences of your choices to people-please. When you dropped everything on your list to do something for someone else, what happened to the things you wanted to get done? How did you feel emotionally? When you said "yes" and really meant "no," how did that work out for you in the long run? Did you end up having to attend meetings you didn't want to go to? Were you exhausted because you didn’t get the rest you needed? 3. Ask yourself, “How willing am I to change?” Change is only possible if you are willing to embrace it. Would you like to adjust your people-pleasing behaviors so that you can take care of your own needs more? How might this impact your quality of life? Your desire for more control over your life must exceed your need to please others. 4. Increase your internal focus. If you are a people-pleaser, how others see you and act toward you strongly impacts your feelings and sense of self. With such a dominant external focus, it is likely that you are not in touch with your thoughts and emotions or your physical and spiritual needs. Committing to change involves increasing your internal awareness of these things and intentionally stopping and tuning into what you want. What were your plans for the day? Did you really want to be on that committee? 5. Catch yourself in the act of people-pleasing. As you become more aware of your motivations, try to catch yourself before you say “yes” and mean “no.” Notice if you are more concerned with what the other person is thinking than what you need. If so, redirect your focus to yourself and consider your needs. Don’t judge yourself and have compassion as you are learning to change a difficult habit. 6. Learn to live with not always pleasing others. This can be challenging. People-pleasing is all about having others like you, think well of you, and be pleased with you. To risk removing these sources of self-identity and self-esteem can seem like an impossible task. Reassure yourself of your worth and the importance of meeting your needs. Remind yourself that you want to find a better balance between your self-care and the needs of others. Then, be prepared to let the other person have their own feelings of disappointment or judgment - and resist the temptation to try to change or fix their feelings. 7. Learn to live with pleasing yourself and meeting your own needs. When you do this, you may find that you are not on a community board you didn’t want to be on, that you have some time to relax after work, or that you don’t have to eat a meal that you didn’t want in the first place. By taking your own wants and needs into consideration along with those of others, you will discover that your life has changed—for the better. There is nothing wrong with people-pleasing until it causes you to feel resentful, unhappy and out of control in your own life. As you likely already know, people-pleasing does not always produce the results you hope for. The recognition, approval and appreciation you long for are elusive even after you jump through countless hoops. Learning to listen to and respond to yourself, and appreciating the benefits of doing these things, can not only earn you the respect you long for, but also can give you the peace and self-confidence that you deserve.

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Self-Care

12 Ways to Make a Comeback

Have you ever been given a last-minute project? Had your schedule changed in a way that is stressful on the rest of your life? Lost a job? Been given a pay cut? Felt like you had to regroup or literally reinvent yourself because a situation forced you to do so? Life can sometimes knock you into uncharted territory where resilience is required. Resilience, or the “ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change,” is a valuable life skill that gives us the ability to recover from a fall. It’s not magical, nor is it innate. The good news is that it is a skill we can learn through observation of others, research or personal experience. You can develop and improve these skills at any point in your life, and they can help you negotiate any challenge. Years ago my client Melinda had a great job working for a mom and pop company. The company was struggling due to the economy, and she was told that she had to take a large pay cut or leave the organization. She was the main breadwinner in the family, as her husband had an unpredictable sales job, so this was a huge financial and emotional blow. She was angry with everyone. All of this anger made her depressed and affected her ability to function at work and at home. She repeatedly told me that she was so upset that she did not even feel like going grocery shopping to feed her family. I was concerned but knew that if she worked on the steps toward resilience she would find her way. Being resilient does not mean that you cannot be sad, angry, scared, anxious or depressed. Because not everyone has the same reaction to a situation, not everyone needs the same set of skills. The list below offers a dozen ways to get you back on course: 1. Allow yourself to feel. If you are sad, grab a box of tissues and cry as long as you need to. If you are angry, vent to a friend, have a vigorous workout or beat up an old pillow. 2. Remind yourself that change is a normal part of everyday life. Everyone has challenging moments. 3. Remind yourself of your strengths. If you have good intuition, trust your gut. If you’re a problem solver, then put those skills to use. Stay positive. 4. Rally your support system. Turn to friends, relatives, co-workers or professional advisers to brainstorm solutions and get support. 5. Make a realistic plan. Set goals and map out ideas on how to adapt and move forward. 6. Think about the long term. While the stress may be intense in the moment, imagine how things can improve over time. 7. Learn from your experience. 8. Do not beat yourself up. Kicking yourself when you are down will only make it harder to get up. 9. Practice good self-care. In times of stress, we all have a tendency to slack off on taking care of ourselves. Make sure to eat, rest and nurture yourself. 10. Be as flexible and open as possible. Consider other options. Do not limit yourself. 11. Find your courage. Even if the next days, weeks, months or years will be scary, face the fear, do not run from it 12. Infuse happiness into other areas of your life. Eat food that you love, take a hot bubble bath, go on a bike ride or hike with your favorite person. The happy and positive moments will keep your energy and spirits up. So what did Melinda do? She had a good cry and vented her anger on paper until she realized that no one was at fault. She then took action, getting tips from finance-savvy friends to help her bosses save money so she could get some of her pay back. She brainstormed with her husband about how they could cut expenses and increase his commissions. And to improve her quality of life, she convinced her direct manager to let her leave at 3 p.m. every Wednesday so that she could pick up her kids from school and cook a special dinner, two things that she loved to do. Melinda not only used her resilience tools for herself, but she also used them to help her employer and family. Life can be challenging, and circumstances can change at any moment. We live our lives within different contexts—work, school, home and social. Resilience can help us successfully negotiate challenges in any situation. It is never too late to learn to be flexible, calm and to understand our own power to bounce back. This article originally appeared in the June 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.

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Practice

Are Negative People Deeper Than You?

Are negative people deeper and more evolved than positive people? There’s a cultural myth that the darker a person is, the deeper and more thoughtful he or she must be. But actually, modern research proves that wrong. Seeing the negative is actually done using our brain's most primitive part, which is in charge of responding to threats. The rest of the brain, which evolved around that primitive part, is the area that lets you scan the world for meaning and gratitude. So people stuck in brooding states are in fact not more evolved, they are using the most ancient parts of their minds. In today’s information-saturated world, it’s common to get caught in this trap. Negative noise is everywhere in our society and in the news, and the effect on us can clearly be measured. A study on the effects of media shows that people who watch local news see their city as significantly more dangerous than it actually is in terms of anticipated amounts of crime or likelihood of disaster. Letting this kind of noise into our minds can create a picture of the world that is full of danger, mistrust and gloom. As our brain works to make sense of the world, we feel compelled to first process the threats, and only after that can we turn our attention to the positive, meaningful parts of life. From a neuroscience perspective therefore, the deepest, most evolved people are the ones who can control and sift through the noise and fear to perceive the beauty and meaning in this world. Decreasing the amount of noise has huge advantages, as it has been connected with an increase in optimism and creativity. Some of the most respected thinkers from history stepped away from the noise —including their own noisy thoughts—and that led to incredible breakthroughs. In 1905, a frustrated Albert Einstein, who had been wrestling with inconsistencies with Newtonian physics, decided to give up thinking about it. On his way home one day on a streetcar in Bern, Switzerland, he looked up at the clock tower, and one of the most important ideas in history hit him: Time is not the same everywhere in the universe. This thought that changed everything we know about how the universe works flourished in the midst of a quiet mind. Canceling the noise was the first step. Seeing the world through a positive lens is not just important for our minds, it can save us from the damaging effects of negativity and stress on our bodies. Beyond the effects we often hear about, researchers from the University of California have now also found that anxiety and stress destroy the proteins, called telomeres, at the end of our chromosomes. The change dramatically speeds the aging process. And there is also new research to show that work exhaustion and worry can speed aging as well. It makes us think twice about the information we consciously allow to enter our brain. In Before Happiness, one of us (Shawn) looks at how to decrease the negative and extraneous noise using a strategy called Noise Canceling. Much like noise-canceling headphones, using this technique helps you cut out useless information to find the signal. In most cases, the signal we are all searching for is one that points to a life filled with hopefulness, meaning and happiness. This month, we invite you to try out a noise-canceling experiment in your life. Cut 5 percent of the noise you’re typically exposed to during the day. For instance, try decreasing the information flow just a little bit in your day by turning down the radio for the first five minutes of your commute, muting the commercials during one TV show, or taking two minutes to meditate in the middle of your workday. These very small changes create a leverage point where your brain can find the positive signal. Once you have canceled some noise, a great way to activate the evolved parts of your brain is to take a few minutes to engage in a positive habit that has been shown in our research to raise levels of happiness and wellbeing. For instance, try emailing yourself five things you feel positive about—your children, your values, your faith. Researchers at the University of Chicago found that when people wrote about their positive feelings for a few minutes they significantly lowered their levels of worry and pessimism. And not only did it decrease anxiety, it raised performance on tests of memory and critical skills by 10 to 15 percent. A simple activity such as writing down your gratitude or journaling for two minutes each day about a positive memory helps you see more of the meaning in your life. And since you’ve cut out some of the negativity and noise, you have more brain resources to devote to the positive side of life. We can’t promise noise canceling will help you come up with an idea as life-changing as Einstein’s, but it should help you make more room for the parts of your life that make it worth living...and that can be life-changing in itself. This article originally appeared in the April 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.

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Practice

4 Stress-Busting Tips to Boost Your Happiness

Stress is and will always be part of our lives. But, as we enter another month of masks, stay-at-home orders, social unrest and uncertainty, our stress and anxiety levels being pushed to the max. According to the American Psychological Association’s (APA) Stress in America Report 2020, 46% of parents with children under age 18 report their stress levels related to the coronavirus pandemic are high and 83% of Americans believe the future of our nation is causing them a significant source of stress. Living this way is not only unsustainable, but it is also very bad for our mental and physical well-being. Research shows that when we properly manage our stress levels, we can prevent some really bad health issues, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke and depression. So, if you are going a little stir crazy, here are a few tips to help relieve some of this newfound stress and get some peace of mind. 1. Practice Mindfulness While you and your family are stuck at home crawling all over each other, it may feel as if you have suddenly been transported into that trash compacter scene from Star Wars. Just to reassure you, the walls are not actually moving in on you and those feelings of suffocation are in your head. Practicing mindfulness can help clear out some of those anxieties and other brain clutter that adds extra stress to your life. Experts believe that a good time to try a relaxation technique is right after lunch. This is our rest and digest mode and it is the opposite of fight or flight. If possible, let your co-workers and family members know that you need 10 to 15 minutes for quiet reflection. If you need help calming your system, try a simple exercise of closing your eyes and breathing in for four seconds, holding your breath for seven seconds and then exhaling for eight seconds. Repeat this five times in a row and you’ll start to notice a sense of calm blanketing you. If you need some guidance on how to practice mindfulness, a few apps to check out are Calm, Smiling Mind, Mind Free and Headspace. Plus, if you are unemployed because of the pandemic, you can sign up for a Headspace subscription free for one year. 2. Make More Connections Even before we had social distancing due to the global pandemic, social isolation and loneliness was becoming a national epidemic. According to a 2018 survey from AARP, one out of every three adults over the age of 45 is lonely. While the current situation of stay-at-home orders hasn’t exacerbated the loneliness problem yet, the ties between social relationships and happiness are inextricably linked, and maintaining positive connections with others is associated with positive health outcomes. No matter if your connections are personal, professional, or both, strong relationships keep us happy. While you can’t physically reach out and touch someone right now, you can stay connected through technology. Try using FaceTime or Skype to call a loved one, a coworker or an old friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Talking to someone you trust and love will calm your fears and increase your happiness. Research shows that tight connections to other people is also good for our physical health because it helps lower those cortisol levels that lead to stress while boosting the immune system. If you need someone or a group to reach out to for support, self-care social media app Lyf offers its platform as a place to connect and share thoughts and experiences with other users, access to licensed psychologists 24-hours a day to answer any questions you may have about how you are feeling, or to just to vent your frustrations. If you are a frontline worker, Lyf is offering free, 60-minute support sessions with mental health experts during the COVID-19 crisis to help deal with issues of anxiety, fear, helplessness and anger. 3. Keep Your Body Moving Exercise is vital for physical health, but it is also important for maintaining mental health. So, being physically active not only keeps you healthier but happier too. In a study recently published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, researchers found a correlation between the frequent physical activity and happiness in people who exercised at least 5 days a week between 30 and 75 minutes. According to the APA, regular exercise helps the brain deal with stress and can be a great mood-booster to fight off the effects of anxiety and depression. In fact, some studies claim that 20 minutes of exercise a day can improve your mood for up to 12 hours. Even though you can’t visit the gym or a yoga class right now, there are still plenty of ways to stay fit even if you are stuck in the home. Virtual classes are readily available online or on apps and treadmills are a great substitute for outdoor running. 4. Eat a Healthy Diet Stress can have a huge impact on your eating habits by throwing off your metabolism and making you more susceptible to emotional eating. Health officials from the Cleveland Clinic advise to keep plenty of healthy snacks around to prevent overeating foods that aren’t good for you and to give the body maintain proper nutrition to help fight off stress. Healthy foods, including plenty of fruits and vegetables, will also stabilize your blood sugar which will keep your emotions in check too. Healthy food and comfort food don’t have to be mutually exclusive, according to Chef Gerard Viverito, The Sustainable Chef. Instead of filling up your cart with junk food, he offers a few sustainable solutions that are pleasing to the palette. If meat prices are too high in your area, Gerard recommends eating more fish as well as becoming more familiar with how to prepare it. If you want to control snack attacks, try fiber-rich foods from the ground that fill you up faster. If you stuck at home and looking for family-fun activities, Gerard suggests making food fun by planting “a garden with kid-approved brain foods such as strawberries, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, spinach and broccoli.” Now, the Bright Side As we continue to navigate these troubled and stressful times, it’s important to keep a positive mindset as much as we can. Positivity will put is in a better position to fight off the negative effects of stress and anxiety. Being stuck inside and having limited connections with the outside world may not be all bad. Home services and products review site Reviews.org recently surveyed 500 Americans to determine the impact COVID-19 and social distancing has had on our personal lives and found a few positives side effects of social distancing. According to their findings, 54% of Americans say they feel closer to friends and family, 50% feel like they have more pride in their community and 47% say they have learned a new skill or hobby. It just goes to show that even in the darkest of times, people are hopeful, innovative and resilient.

Practice

Eliminate Daily Disappointments Before They Happen

For nearly two decades, businesses have zeroed in on the stunting effect of today’s focus- starved brains. The statistics are stunning. A recent PayScale survey reported that 56% of college grads do not pay attention to detail at work. The cost of error is equally as staggering. Companies in the United States pay a whopping $650 billion per year for errors attributed to employee distraction. That doesn’t even cover the full extent of the inattention problem to organizations. Employees with high-quality attention skills have become a commodity. But I promise you, this attention story doesn’t stop with just avoiding workplace flubs and institutional loss of monies. The other side of the attention picture is you—do you feel like you’re crushing it? How productive, happy and fulfilled do you feel each day at work, at home or at play? You might ask what attention has to do with it. The answer may help clear up and fix a wide range of ongoing concerns. Simply put, attention is at the core of every single thing you think, feel and do. You can vastly improve your attention skill and thus day to day living by simply knowing a little bit about what is happening in your head when you pay attention and by doing this or that to manage it. So, after nearly two decades of research and working with all kinds of groups from athletes to students, from businesspeople to retirees, I established a simple format to help individuals accomplish this. I laid this format out in my newest book, The 12 Rules of Attention: How to Avoid Screw-Ups, Free Up Headspace, Do More, and Be More at Work. What is This Thing We Call Attention? Attention is an ultra-sophisticated fetching system targeting a piece of information, bringing it into your working memory and connecting it to other information you have stored there to create processes to accomplish tasks. Think of it this way. Within every daily experience, your mind creates a quick picture of what is going on. It sends out "scouts" (neurons talking to other neurons) into your memories of similar experiences that then come back and "report" feelings, beliefs and behavioral options you paid attention to in the past, as well as those you engaged and those you dismissed. This information gathering process occurs under your radar, deep in the catacombs of your brain. What's more, it all happens in just milliseconds. As such, it is unconscious to you. Your mind generates several behavioral possibilities and, in the end, you act out one of them. From our perspective, we "just do it," unaware of all that has happened subconsciously to get us there. If you’re thinking that sounds rather robotic, it is. For better or worse, it’s the way we are made, and most of the decisions we make all day come about this way. These remarkable automatic, high-speed brain circuits driving our behaviors have a plethora of creative uses, as well as other virtues you can take advantage of. On the other hand, they can trigger high-speed trouble you should avoid but all too often you wind repeating. The more you learn to regulate them, the more you will use them to generate daily interactions and eliminate the proverbial bummers. Psychologists believe that as much as 96% of our behavior may be decided by these automatic circuits—as I said, sometimes regrettably so. For example, have you ever witnessed someone just beginning to speak at a meeting and a colleague is already shaking his head "no" (automatically) disagreeing without even realizing he is doing so—before he is even sure where the discussion is headed? Have you ever read an important document over and over and still miss a significant error that is staring you in the face? A colleague of mine once walked into a room on his first day of classes and started teaching a class that was not his own—not even the same subject. He was in Room 306 alright, but the wrong building. Those kinds of flubs, which we all make, sometimes leave you wondering what's going on "upstairs." These are all examples of little slip-ups in our attentional machinery sparked by automatic circuits. But we have all experienced more serious ones. On the other hand, you use the same mental network to perfect your golf swing, a favorite riff on the guitar or use language at work that others can easily and congenially connect with. How to Begin Your Attention Awareness Pay attention to how you are paying attention—Rule #1 in my book. If you only do one thing, do this. Just step back for a moment when you are about to engage in something important and make yourself aware of whether your attention is strong, wavering, scattered or weak. If your attention span is good, by all means, proceed. If not, you can use any of several utilize energy building techniques to increase your mental acuity. I provide several fun ways in my book. For relief now, however, consider this: it's better to take a break and build your energy than trudge through increasing the possibility of error. Practicing this one rule can be a game-changer. You are stepping into the 96% world of automatized behaviors and in a sense becoming the CEO of your own mind. You are deciding for yourself what is best for you in the moment. This tiny tweak will improve your game considerably. Once your energy is strong, you can proceed. Try This! I recommend using this little brain-talk activity right before significant elements in your workday. I call it the self-scan. The self-scan identifies details that should be within your attentional spotlight, keeps you from being overwhelmed by unnecessary information and prevents vital attentional circuits from shutting down and dulling your attentional lamp. It helps you inventory what’s happening in your head when you are paying attention and what’s not. Start by taking a nice slow breath and relaxing. Think of your attention as a spotlight. Select where you will aim it. Next, ask yourself these questions: Where am I at this moment? What am I trying to do? What should I be trying to do in this situation? What do others think I should be doing in this situation? What are the demands of my environment (e.g., distracters that need to be avoided, a large room that requires the need to listen more closely to hear, etc.)? What have I done in similar situations in the past? Do I want to do anything differently? If so, how? Finally, proceed. It All Adds Up There are eleven other rules I lay out in my book, such as learning to squash unrelated information vying for your attention, managing what you don't see if it has an effect on your goals and knowing how to use your in-a-glance mental capacity to catch more desired detail and several others as well. It all adds up. Training your attention helps you update the links in your mind that are responsible for your behaviors and condition them to your advantage. The nice thing is that one small change today can make a difference tomorrow and provide some instant relief. Regular small changes...this week, month and year will have a snowball effect and make a big impact on your day to day living and future.

Self-Care

The Upside of Feeling Bad

Scroll through your Instagram or Facebook feed, and chances are most images feature smiling faces. From beaming couples celebrating an engagement to festive groups of friends toasting over drinks, happiness is the name of the social media game. While some do post about more somber topics, overall, positivity outshines negativity. The problem is, real life isn’t always peachy keen. It’s full of disappointments, both small and large. Real life throws plenty of curveballs at us, from layoffs to losing loved ones. But in an age when people put only their most perfect moments on display, it’s easy to feel as if you’re the only one who ever goes through a tough time. Yet you’re not alone. And the hard stuff is actually just as important for a life full of happiness as positive experiences. “It would be irrational to think we can rid our lives of all negative experiences,” says Michelle Gielan, a positive psychology researcher and author of Broadcasting Happiness. “But it’s less about what happens and more about what you do about it.” Read on to learn about the positive side of negativity and how you can learn to handle it better. The Purpose of Negativity Despite what countless articles, books and social media suggest, “Human beings are not designed to feel happy all the time,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, and author of The How of Happiness. Negative emotions serve a purpose, both evolutionarily and emotionally. Think of emotions such as sadness, stress and anxiety as red flags that your mind wants you to pay attention to. “Sadness and other negative feelings indicate that we need to make a change,” Gielan explains. If you’re angry, for example, it likely means there’s an injustice that you want to correct. If you’re anxious, there may be a threat you need to attend to. And if you’re sad, it means you care about a situation so deeply that it’s causing you distress. Negative feelings can also serve as the catalyst you need to transition to a better place in your life—such as a new job or relationship. And don’t beat yourself up for feeling down. Trying to repress negative moods can actually make you feel worse, according to research. People who accept their emotions—both dark and light—without judgment are better able to cope with stress and feel better in the long run. Remember, happiness isn’t static—it’s more about moving toward goals than achieving them. “Happiness is the joy we feel as we grow toward our potential,” Gielan adds. Living in the Gray It’s easy to try to sort things that happen into neat categories—either good or bad. “We have a tendency to be obsessed with extremes: We’re either happy or sad, dieting or not dieting, rich or poor,” says Cheri Augustine Flake, L.C.S.W., a therapist in Atlanta. But life isn’t always so black-and-white. Focusing on either end of the spectrum ignores the in-between part, or the gray area, as Flake calls it. The gray area is actually an exciting, even fun, place to be, and it signals you’re changing and transitioning, even if things haven’t fallen perfectly into place. After all, the happiest people in the world wouldn’t feel that way if they didn’t also know what it was like to feel blue. “We grow and we become who we’re supposed to be,” Flake says. “No one says it’s easy. But they do say, ‘I went through this tough thing and I got better because of it.’ ” In other words, we get so wrapped up in how things should go down that we don’t see the opportunity in less-than-ideal situations. “The strange thing about the worst things that happen to us is that they can sometimes become the best things that could happen to us,” Flake notes. How to Get Through the Worst of Times This isn’t to say that negative situations, like a breakup, aren’t difficult. But the experts reveal there are some strategies to help you navigate the rough waters of life. For starters, try to simply focus on the present moment. “Even if you’re weeping and crying, can you just be okay with that?” Flake asks. And remind yourself that you are safe and sound: “If you’re sitting in your car, for example, feel the back of your legs touching the seat. Feel the cool air-conditioning blowing on you,” she suggests. “This helps remind your brain that everything is okay—that you can find some peace, no matter what else is going on.” You can also seek some good old-fashioned distractions from your problems. This doesn’t mean putting your head in the sand or turning to vices like drugs or alcohol, but rather allow yourself to feel fully absorbed in something else, Lyubomirsky says. During a rough patch, take time out of your day to do something enjoyable—perhaps see a movie, work on a creative hobby or go to your favorite restaurant. “This can allow you to take a breather, refresh yourself, and then come back and address the problems,” she notes. Finally, take small steps to deal with the issue at hand. “When we’re facing a problem, many of us, women especially, tend to ruminate and get stuck imagining the worst,” Gielan explains. But the best thing we can do is to focus on what she calls a “now step”—a small, meaningful action you can take right now, even if it may not solve the problem completely. If, for example, you need a new car but you can’t afford it, consider what you can do at this moment. It can be as simple as opting for the small coffee instead of a mocha grande. That won’t solve all your money problems, but “a small step like that allows your brain to register a small ‘win,’ moving you forward from the problem to what you can do about it right now,” Gielan says. And moving forward is really what happiness is all about.

look for joy, Jason Mraz lookng for the good.

Lifestyle

Jason Mraz Believes If You Look for Joy, You’ll Find It.

Since his first hit single “The Remedy (I Won’t Worry)” in 2002, Jason Mraz has built his musical career by crafting positive, upbeat music. This week sees the release of his new album, Look For The Good, a collection of songs that encourages us to find hope, optimism and gratitude despite the turmoil the world is experiencing right now. The two-time Grammy winner talked with Live Happy to explain how this collection of songs came about, what he learned in the process of writing and recording this album, and what he hopes every listener takes away from it. This is an exciting album to talk about because it's so timely. Can you tell us how this whole project came about? I knew it was going to be an election year, and election years usually bring out the debates and they’re very just heated, which is good. It’s a good thing because I think it helps us know ourselves and it helps us hear ourselves for what we are craving, what's working, what's not working. On a debate year, I wanted to make sure we release some music that wouldn’t necessarily influence debates, but just would remind us to be kind; remind us to be human and treat the others on the other side of the aisle with dignity and respect, regardless of our beliefs. At the end of the day, we’re all still these very fragile human bodies made up of microorganisms and bacterias and viruses and things. Regardless of our political beliefs and geographical borders, let’s remember that we’re human. That’s kind of what the songs are about. Let’s just remember that we’re human and we’re fragile and that there should be love for each other. I love the reggae influence on this album, and I always feel like reggae is such a great carrier for positivity anyway. Can you talk about why you wanted it on this particular set of songs? It really began as an experiment. It was something I wanted to make because as a live performer, whenever I would play a reggae song or I would say convert an older song of mine to a reggae style or fashion, I would get a different sensation from it. Then I would notice the audience would also connect to it in a different way. So, I thought there’s something magical about reggae that causes people to dance and connect. As a performer, you pair that with some positive layers, like you pair that dance with and it feels like church in a way. I'm able to sing a positive message but I'm also able to dance on the fringe of ideas that are not as easily sung in traditional pop. The reggae genre allows me to breathe life not only into love and positivity but into transformational messaging or the kind of message that breathes life into an ever-changing world. I've not been able to do that necessarily in the pop category as easily. Your music has always been so positive and uplifting. In that sense, you’ve always kind of swam upstream from the rest of the industry because positivity isn't necessarily what we get out of what’s playing on the radio. Why has that always been important to you? It starts with the love of performing and love of songwriting. I love singing, and so I became a songwriter because I love to sing. If I sit down with an instrument to sing, I just feel joy. So, it seems like what should be coming out of my mouth is something joyous, not something sad and depressing. Then if I have the luxury of someone's ear and if they're giving me their time and listening, I want to share with them my joy, not my sadness. I always found myself wanting to share joy. Usually, I sit down at a piano to celebrate joy because life has gotten dark and out of balance. I say, “Okay, I’ve got to get to my instruments because that's where joy lives. That's where a bigger spirit in me dwells.” For some reason, joy songs just work better for me. They keep me going. Does your positivity come to you naturally? Some people really have to work to think positive, and it seems like maybe you lean that way anyway. Well, I do but I have to work at it because I get it through my music practice. Trust me, I get long periods of just melancholy and sadness, so I will shift to music and I will work on music or crafting something creative until that melancholy blows over, rather than just sit with the melancholy and start adding extra weight to it. I work at it, I shift, I go to music, I go to crafting and I write. I go to journaling. I go to poetry until I feel that transformation and that transformation goes, “Aha, I am a powerful creator. I am worthy. I am new. I am renewed.” All of that comes through the creative process. "Look for the Good" is the lead single, and it’s also the name of the album. Where did that come from? That was actually a title that Michael Goldwasser submitted. Michael was the producer of this album, and he had heard his rabbi sermonize, “Look for the good and you will see the good.” So, if you go out in the world looking for it, you’ll find it. Same as bad news, look for the bad and you'll find the bad. It’s easy to find. Look for the good and you'll find the good. That was a title he submitted to this project. When he sent me an instrumental, a musical idea to work on, that was the title. All I had to do was sit down and expound upon that idea, which is what I love to do. It's just another version of gratitude. When you're asked to look for the good or when you're asked to say thank you like, “Hey, what are you thankful for?” the first thing we do is we start scanning either our memories or our environment for something good because we want to say thank you for that thing or that person or that experience in our life. That’s excellent and it’s a great leadoff. It’s a great way to introduce yourself to this whole collection. Another song that I wanted to talk to you about is “You Do You” which features Tiffany Haddish. I love how it celebrates individuality. When people listen to that, what do you hope that they hear? First, joy. Always joy. Freedom and joy. Those are my two favorite things, freedom and joy. They’re a favorite because I've been given those things in life through my parents, through the resources, through my public school. Just the system was designed for a kid like me to have freedom and joy, and so it's been my work in my adult life to make sure others and every other human being also gets to experience freedom and joy. “You Do You” is a song that says let us all be free to be ourselves and let us be joyous and let us celebrate each other for each other's freedoms. We’re all going to have a different version of what that feels like, and we’re all going to have different versions of joy. There’s a lot of different ice cream flavors in that frozen food section. Everybody wants something different. Freedom and joy, that’s what I hope people get out of “You Do You.” That’s certainly what I get out of it. Before we let you go, your wish to make the world a better place certainly doesn't end with your music, so can you tell us a little bit about your foundation? Yes, the Jason Mraz Foundation. It’s something I started back in 2011. Three years ago, we refocused it to focus specifically on inclusive arts education and the advancement of equality, and that is similar to programs that I came up through as a kid. Arts education is just such a great medium for collaboration. When you add inclusivity to that arts education, you’re not only getting a great arts training but you're getting compassion and empathy and acceptance. You’re learning how to…you’re basically learning how to sit on that subway or train car and see the good in everybody. Basically, it’s what inclusive arts education does for the purpose of the advancement of quality. Because as I said earlier, I came up through great public school that made it easy for me to experience freedom and joy, so the Jason Mraz Foundation is helping to breathe life into programs that exist, as well as create new programs that can hopefully also create experiences of freedom and joy for young people who are pursuing the arts. Everything from dancers to visual artists, to poets, to songwriters, singers, you name it, we’re out there trying to help them get a hand up in the world to experience their freedom and joy.

Fashion student giving a presentation at the college

Self-Care

3 Ways to Design Your Environment for a Happier Life

You are the product of your culture and context. You’re the product of the information and inputs you consume. Everything that comes in—the food, information, people, experiences—shapes you. Instead of having your environment and circumstances reflect your current identity, you want to design your environment to reflect your future identity. When you change your environment, over time, everything about you will change. You’ll begin having new experiences. You’ll have new thoughts and emotions. You’ll be around new people. You’ll be engaging in new behaviors. Your identity and personality will change. This article provides a few key strategies for re-designing your environment to aid in you creating your desired future. Start Putting Yourself Into New Situations As a person ages, they tend to stop engaging in new situations, experiences and environments. In other words, people’s personalities become increasingly consistent because they stop putting themselves into new contexts. The philosopher and psychologist William James believed that a person’s personality basically became fully formed and fixed by age thirty, because thereafter a person’s life often becomes highly routine and predictable. Although culture is rapidly changing, there are still similar patterns. By the time a person reaches their thirties, they stop having as many “first” experiences. In their childhood, teens, and even twenties, there are a lot of experiences: First kiss. First time driving. First job. First big failure. First time moving to a new city. But at some point, we “settle down.” We stop engaging in new roles and new situations that bring out new and different sides of us. Because people’s lives become highly routine, both in their social roles and their environments, you begin to see very predictable behaviors and attitudes. This is one of the core reasons why personality is viewed as stable and predictable over time. It’s not that your personality itself becomes stable, but rather that your routine environments and social roles lock you into habitual patterns. Want to evolve? Start trying and learning new things. Pick up a new language. Join a new social group. Travel. If you keep putting yourself in the same situations and the same roles, you’ll plateau. Take on Big Challenges Many American teenagers are becoming increasingly inflexible. Many students across the country are demanding that they no longer be required to give in-class oral presentations, claiming their issues with anxiety make them “uncomfortable” with presenting in front of an audience. They believe they shouldn’t be required to do something that feels so unnatural. In an article published in The Atlantic entitled “Teens Are Protesting In-Class Presentations,” one fifteen-year-old tweeted the following statement, which garnered more than 130,000 retweets and nearly half a million likes: “Stop forcing students to present in front of the class and give them a choice not to.” Confidence and psychological flexibility are built by taking on new challenges and situations. Of course, in the moment, those situations may not feel great. But on the other side, you become a more capable and flexible person. When my wife and I became foster parents of three siblings, we were in way over our heads. Neither of us had ever been parents before. But over time, we adapted to our new situation. It became our new normal. And we changed dramatically through that experience, becoming more flexible, patience and empathetic. Want to transform? Take on new challenges that may initially feel difficult or “unnatural.” Over time, you’ll adapt, becoming more flexible, capable and confident. Become “Strategically Ignorant” Peter Diamandis, one of the world’s foremost experts on entrepreneurship and the future of innovation, has said, “I’ve stopped watching TV news. They couldn’t pay me enough money.” Peter is strategically ignorant. He’s created an environment to shield himself from the distractions and negativity of the news media while staying informed on the topics he cares about through careful and deliberate research. Being a successful creative person requires selective ignorance. Another example is Seth Godin, who purposefully doesn’t read the comments on Amazon about his books. He used to do so, but it only left him feeling horrible and questioning himself. So now he has stopped. Seth is selectively ignorant to what the trolls say, and he’s better off as a result. He doesn’t need that noise coming into his psyche, confusing his identity and purpose. Selective ignorance is not the avoidance of learning. It’s not the avoidance of getting feedback. It’s simply the intelligence of knowing that with certain things and people, the juice will never be worth the squeeze. It’s knowing what to avoid. If you want to transform your life, you’ll need to transform your environment. This includes the experiences you have, the people you surround, and the information you consume.

Kid painting rainbow during Covid-19 quarantine at home. Girl near window. Stay at home Social media campaign for coronavirus prevention, let's all be well, hope during coronavirus pandemic concept

Self-Care

6 Strategies for Holding on to Hope

The COVID-19 pandemic has not been an easy time for many of us. Stay-at-home orders, CDC guidelines, news hysteria and working from home transitions have left us unsure, worried and simply—unhappy. Every day, our plans, dreams, and hopes are being relegated to the future. It’s as if the rug of life has been pulled out from under us. So, how can we hold on to hope when there is no clear path forward or even a resolution in sight to the health crisis the world now faces? Well, that is the $64,000 question! In the spirit of inspiring hope and courage in each one of us, I offer strategies that may be useful during this unprecedented time. Accept your feelings (don’t deny them). It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to be frustrated—and it is definitely OK to be fearful. But these are not all of the feelings available to you. Reach deeper. Reach for your Strength. It is there and can ground you in this time of extreme change. The strongest part of you knows that this will pass. It’s important to stop, take a deep breath, accept what you cannot control and remember to move forward. Be mindful of what you listen to. Although it’s important to stay informed, this is not the time to keep up with the negativity that encompasses us in today’s news and media. This is a time for focusing on you. Allow those in your inner circle, and those who are positive, to surround you and to remind you that we are not alone in this. We can get through it together. So, turn off that TV, and instead, stay connected with your friends and family. Whether it’s with a quick call, or a video chat, just listening to the voices of those close to us can guide us toward hope and resiliency. Be clear about how you are changing (for the better). This is an incredible opportunity to take that extra time we have suddenly been allotted to reflect and learn. In what ways are you appreciating the little things more? Talking with others you haven’t had the chance to for quite some time? Realizing some of the things you have been missing, some of the things that are really important for you? Ask yourself what it is that you can do with your time now—refocusing on your priorities and acting accordingly. Reaffirm your commitment to self-care. The human spirit is resilient. Look at how quickly we have all transitioned our work arrangements, our lifestyles, our family care. Necessity demands swift action. Realize that your desire to live healthy is greater than any act of self-sabotage. What are the things that make you joyous? Incorporate these acts at least once into your daily routine. Listen to your spirit, take a walk, meditate, video chat a friend, or simply just enjoy the present moment. Remember the children. Children continue to play, laugh, and find joy in life. Take a good look in the mirror and get in touch with the child in you. Put your arms around that child. Hug yourself like you have never been hugged before. You deserve it! Tell yourself, “Good job, I’m proud of you.” You’ve been through so much in the last few months, and you are making it. Hope for the better. When all is said and done, the human mind and spirit is remarkable. It is sustaining. What will the “new normal” look like? We just don’t know, but you know what we do know? We know that we will find a way to make it work, and we will make it a little better than it was before. “Help me let go of the fight to control things and let me accept them as they are.”

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