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Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Setting Boundaries for the Holidays With Melissa Urban  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 391 of Live Happy Now. It's beginning to look a lot like the holidays. For many of us, that can look more like walking through a minefield than a winter wonderland. I'm your host, Paula, Felps. This week, I'm so excited to be joined by Melissa Urban, whose best-selling The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free is changing the way people learn to say no. She's here today to talk about how we can set boundaries this holiday season with our friends, families, and coworkers to make it less stressful and more manageable. Believe me, once you've tried it, you'll realize these are habits you want to carry with you into the New Year. Let's listen. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:43] PF: Melissa, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:46] MU: Thank you so much for having me. It's really great to talk to you, Paula. [00:00:49] PF: What perfect timing to be able to talk to you because we have the holidays coming up. You have The Book of Boundaries. Oh, my God. Those two things go together. [00:01:00] MU: Don’t they, though? [00:01:01] PF: Or don't go together too often. Once I got this book, I really wanted to talk to you and especially wanted to do it with a holiday theme. Before we dig into all that, tell us how you became the boundary lady. Is that who you are? [00:01:14] MU: Yeah. It is now. At least that's how a lot of my followers spouses know me on Instagram. “Oh, you got that information from the boundary lady, didn’t you?” I've been helping people set and hold boundaries since the earliest days of the Whole30. So I'm the Whole30 co-founder, and I founded the program in 2009. If you're familiar with the Whole30, it's a 30-day elimination program. So you're eliminating foods and beverages for 30 days kind of as a self-experiment before you reintroduce them and compare your experience. For those 30 days, you're saying no a lot to break room doughnuts and your mother's pasta and the glass of wine at happy hour. I quickly discovered that people were uncomfortable saying no, especially in social settings, especially when faced with peer pressure or pushback. So I started helping people say no, in the context of their Whole30, around food and alcohol and talking about their diets and the food on their plate and their bodies. That naturally led to them asking me, “Okay. Well, what do I say to my mother-in-law who's always dropping by without calling, or the coworker who's always gossiping, or my nosy neighbor who's always asking if he can borrow power tools?” My boundary conversations just very naturally spilled over into that arena, and they really kicked into high gear when the pandemic hit. Because I think we all realize during the pandemic that we lacked healthy boundaries around work and home and kids in school. It was all starting to run together. Especially women and especially moms were really burned out and exhausted. So I've been doing this work really in earnest since then. [00:03:01] PF: This book is amazing. It is so comprehensive, and it covers everything imaginable. I was just so knocked out as I was going through it. In that book, you offer such a great definition of boundaries. I just loved it. It's like I was underlining it. H many times can I underline? Because we talk about boundaries, but we don't necessarily understand what they are. So can you tell us what you mean when you're talking about boundaries? [00:03:26] MU: Yes. I often think there's a misconception. Boundaries are about controlling other people or telling other people what to do. Or putting these big walls up between you and other people or holding people at a distance. None of that is true. So I define boundaries as limits that you set around how you allow other people to engage with you. So a boundary doesn't tell someone else what to do. It tells others what you are willing to do, the actions that you are going to take to keep yourself safe and healthy. Ultimately, boundaries improve your relationships. They're an invitation to the people in your life to say, “Hey, I have this limit. And you may not have been aware that I've had it but I'm going to communicate this limit to you clearly and kindly as an invitation. Because if you can show up in my life in a way that also respects this limit, our relationship can be so much more open and more trusting and more respectful and feel good to both of us.” [00:04:33] PF: So it improves relationships, but it also really improves our mental health. [00:04:38] MU: Yes. [00:04:38] PF: Can you talk about what does it do for us to be able to set and maintain those boundaries? [00:04:44] MU: So I want you to think about a situation in your life that brings on this idea of dread or anxiety. Maybe it’s – [00:04:51] PF: How many would you like? [00:04:53] MU: I know. Let's just start with one. Maybe it's a particular person, where every time you see their name come up on your phone or they walk by or you know they're going to be at an event, you just cringe like, “Oh, I do not want to be with this person. I don't want to engage.” Maybe it's around a particular conversation topic, where you know that if the subject of your weight or your body or politics or religion or when you're going to have a baby or your chronic illness come up, you just feel this sense of real anxiety or dread. Those are all signs that a boundary is needed. When you think about how a boundary can protect our mental health, boundaries are what help us eliminate or at least dramatically reduce that sense of dread and anxiety, resentment, mistrust, all of the things that cause stress and cause us to show up not as our full selves in relationships. They really help us reclaim our time, our energy, our capacity, our physical space, our sense of safety, and our mental health. [00:05:59] PF: Yeah. Your book really emphasizes how important it is to be able to create healthy boundaries. If they're so good for us, why are they so hard? Why? They should be easy, right? [00:06:10] MU: Well, first of all, and I'll speak for myself, but as women and then especially as moms, we've been conditioned our whole lives not to have needs. As a mom, I am praised the most when I am selfless, having no needs, having no wants, no desires of my own, and putting everyone else's comfort and sense of security and happiness above my own. Then when we do have needs and we express them, no matter how politely or kindly we do, we're told we're selfish or cold or that we have too many rules. Often we're told those things by the people who benefit the most from us not having any limits. I think there's a lot for us to unlearn before we think about setting boundaries. Then on top of that, I’ll acknowledge, it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to advocate for your feelings, to point out a way in which someone you truly care about was overstepping. Even if their intentions were good, it's uncomfortable to advocate for yourself, and that does make the idea of boundaries feel challenging. [00:07:20] PF: So do you recommend that somebody starts with like small boundaries and then kind of works up to the bigger stuff? Or do we dive right in and tackle the big issues? What's the best way to approach this? [00:07:32] MU: I think there are a ton of entry points here. So for some, I'd say starting with boundaries around food and drink, whether you're doing a Whole30, which is essentially a boundary like boot camp, or whether you're just going into the next event, practicing saying, “No, thanks. I'm not drinking right now. No, thanks. I'm not eating gluten right now. No, I'm good. No, thank you.” Practicing that, I think, can be incredibly empowering because, A, you always have control over what you choose to eat or drink. Like I doubt anyone at that party is going to like sit on you and pour alcohol into your throat. Saying no to foods and drinks that you know don't serve you also brings you energy and better sleep and a happier mood and improved digestion. So that has a spillover effect into other areas of your life and can really help build confidence. In other times, when people read the book, they go, “You know what? My relationship with my coworker or mom or best friend has been bothering me for so long. I'm just going to go in and I'm going to like go in hard. I'm going to set the one limit that is going to bring me the most relief in my life. It's going to help me reclaim the most time and energy and mental health, and I feel prepared, and I have the script, and like I'm going to go in strong.” It kind of just depends on like what you're up for and how big you want to go. But I don't think there's any one way to start a boundary practice. I think the important thing is just to start practicing. [00:08:59] PF: Yeah. You just mentioned the script, and that's something that I love about this book because not only do you say this is why you should do it, and this is how you do it. You actually give a script to talk us through that. How did you come up with those because you have something for everything? [00:09:16] MU: I do. I have more than 130 scripts in the book, and each script has three different levels of boundary conversation. Your green level, which is sort of the kindest, gentlest. The yellow, which is, okay, you're getting some pushback, and you really need to reinforce the boundary. Then the red, which is like, “We are at code red here. The relationship is about to be permanently damaged if I am not able to hold this limit.” I started writing scripts many years ago because my Whole30 community would come to me and they'd say, “Okay, I need to set a boundary around going to my office happy hour but not drinking.” I'm like, “Okay, how can I help?” They were like, “What do I say? I know I need to set the boundary. I know how it would benefit me, but I don't know how to say it.” So I started helping people with actual scripts that sound very natural, very conversational. They don't sound like therapy speak. But because this is so uncomfortable, I find arming people with a script that they can practice at home. Tell your shower wall, “No, thanks. I'm not drinking right now,” right? Repeat it to your car, to your dog so that your body absorbs it somatically, and you get really comfortable with the phrase. I think it makes people feel more confident heading into the boundary conversations and makes them feel less like they have to wing it. It tends to help them not water down their boundaries so much that it's ineffective. Or come out of the gate so strong, too strong that they do end up damaging the relationship in an attempt to set the limit. [00:10:44] PF: What’s so great about it is the fact that you do give pushback, like if this is happening, instead of – Too oftentimes, if you're doing like a role playing type of thing, the other party is like too easy. They make it too easy on you. So that's something that's so great about that. People can really practice really setting that boundary. [00:11:02] MU: Yes. I want you to go into the conversations, assuming that the other person just didn't realize that you had a limit. Once you express it, they will be happy to meet it. Because most of the time, that's what happens. So you don't have to go in geared up for battle. I want you to assume the best. Also, of course, I'm going to prepare you if you do encounter pushback or peer pressure, or the people in your life continue to forget that you set this limit. I want you to have the words to be able to enforce it at the same time. [00:11:34] PF: That is so terrific and one area. This is why I wanted to talk to you. You've created scripts about the holidays. Oh, my gosh. There are so many minefields in the holiday season that I wanted to talk about. Can we start with families? This is so tough because the holidays are already challenging. Then we go home, and we start slipping back into these old family patterns and routines. So like, first of all, why do we do that? Why don't we remain the adults that we are when we go back home? [00:12:04] MU: I've never felt more like my 16-year-old self than when I sit down at my mom's dining room table. I think it's just childhood patterns and relationship dynamics run really deep. We absorb a lot of who we become as a person from our parents. So like my family, we didn't model healthy conflict. We kind of practiced avoidance. I'm going to want to keep the peace at all cost. I'm not going to want to bring up things that are uncomfortable or say something that I know someone's going to argue with. I'm going to want to be the peacekeeper. If your parents grew up fighting and always wanting you to pick sides, you may withdraw in family situations. There are so many reasons why setting boundaries with family and family dynamics can be really challenging. But at the same time, it's never too late to be the change agent in your family and start to create new relationships. The holidays can certainly feel like a perfect storm of boundary oversteps. I do want people to be prepared to go into all of these challenges thinking about, okay, what are the limits that I need to set specifically, and how can I communicate those effectively? [00:13:13] PF: Do you start setting those before the holidays? Do you wait till you're right there? How and when do you start unpacking all this? [00:13:21] MU: Anytime you can have a boundary conversation well ahead of the situation, when you are not enmeshed in it, when in the moment. Of course, I want you to set boundaries in the moment if needed but if you can set the expectation ahead of time. “Hey, mom and dad. Really looking forward to seeing you for Christmas this year. Just so you know, we're going to spend Christmas morning at home, just the three of us. We really want a quiet morning, and we'll come by at around noon before dinner.” Whatever boundary you need to set. “Hey, really looking forward to seeing you over the holidays. I know we disagree on politics, and it would make our visit far more pleasant if we could all agree just not to bring it up. Is that something we can all live with because it makes none of us happy when we have those discussions over the table?” Whatever the conversation seems like, if you can anticipate a boundary challenge and set expectation ahead of time and get buy in, that makes holding the boundary in the moment even easier. [00:14:17] PF: So what happens if they buy in in advance? But then in the actual situation, things start denigrating. Here come the political comments. What do you do then? Because you've already said it, and now they're breaking the rules. [00:14:30] MU: This is why I give you yellow scripts. You've already set the expectation. They say, “Yeah, we understand. It's not fun for anybody when politics come up.” Then you're at the table, and Uncle Joe brings up immigration. This is where you say, “Oh, oh. Wait, wait. We agreed. No politics at the table, Uncle Joe. But, hey, I know you just went on vacation. How was it? I don't think I even saw any photos. How did it go?” So you address the boundary overstep. You say, “I am not participating in this conversation,” and you quickly change the subject to allow everyone to move on gracefully. If they continue to talk over you and talk politics at the table, your red level boundary is, “I already said I won't participate in these conversations. Please excuse me.” You leave the table. You go for a walk. You step outside to make a phone call. You go in the other room with your kids, whatever that looks like. The red boundary is you holding the boundary by saying, “I am removing myself from this situation because it does not feel healthy to me.” [00:15:26] PF: You are teaching everyone at the table such a fantastic lesson because whether they want boundaries in that moment or not, there are other things in their lives that they're going, “Oh, I wonder if I can use this?” [00:15:38] MU: Yes, yeah. Often all it takes is for one person. It's a hard job to be the change agent in a family. But if you can do it, there's a really good chance that other people in the family have felt like you too, and they just haven't wanted to say anything. I have absolutely watched in my community the ripple effects of you setting your boundary trickle out very quickly to everyone else, who will then back you up in this limit. [00:16:03] PF: How can it change families if all of a sudden, gosh, we're not getting together, and we're not ripping open old wounds, and we're not fighting about our differences, but we're looking for ways to actually get along and be together and find commonality? How does that change your whole dynamic that time and going forward? [00:16:20] MU: Imagine what your upcoming holiday would feel like if you knew that when you showed up at your family's house, nobody was going to bring up politics. Nobody was going to comment on the food on your plate or talk about your weight loss or their weight loss or their diets or your bodies. Nobody was going to try to make you feel guilty when after the meal, you said, “Okay, it's time for us to go to dad's house now. It was so nice to visit with you. Thank you so much.” The sense of like immediate freedom and relief that you would feel, knowing you could go into these holidays with not only these preset expectations but the words to hold the boundaries, should you find in the moment that people overstep, I think would just absolutely feel tremendous. It would give you a sense of self confidence. It would remind you that you are in control and take responsibility for your own feelings. It gives you the power to actually hold the boundary because you're not relying on anyone else to kind of hold that for you or to join you. If they decide that they can't or won't hold this healthy limit, you know the action you're going to take to keep yourself safe. [00:17:29] PF: You also talk about managing that guilt of not spending enough time with the other side of the family. Once you're married, once you have children, it gets even more complicated. I've seen so many of my friends go through this, where they are just run ragged by the end of Christmas Day because they feel like they have to give both sides. Sometimes, it's like four sides because you have divorces with the parents and then the grandparents. Nobody's happy the end of the day because everyone's just exhausted. So how do you manage that kind of guilt and everything that's going on with separate sides of the family? [00:18:05] MU: This is what psychologists call unearned guilt. This is not guilt because you have done something wrong, and it is biologically serving you and your community by you feeling bad and remembering that you did something wrong, so you don't do it again. This is unearned guilt that we are choosing to take on. So in the simplest way, you don't have to feel guilty. You can just say, “No, thank you.” What I am doing now is creating traditions for my family. This is a time-honored tradition that my parents did when they had me and their parents did when they had them. We are creating a new family unit now, and I want to create traditions with my children the way that my parents did with me. There's a chance that your mom didn't feel comfortable setting boundaries with your grandmother. That might be a big part of the reason why they get so upset and defensive and hurt when you set boundaries with them from this sense of like jealousy that they wish they could have done this with you when you were kids. You're doing it now. That can be very challenging for older generations. But I think it's perfectly acceptable to think about and decide as a family together, what do we want our holidays to look like? Then to notify other family members what you are and are not willing to do. [00:19:24] PF: That's terrific because I know in our family, my partner's uncle, it was tradition. Christmas Eve was at his house. What was very funny is everybody complained. Nobody wanted to go there. For years, everybody has to go to Uncle Bobby's, and we're just like, “They're complaining the whole time.” So about three years ago, probably about five years ago now, her brother's like, “We're not going to do it,” and everyone's like, “Wait a minute. We don't have to do this?” “Let’s just say that's no longer a family tradition.” It’s amazing because it's like you get time back, and you get this freedom that just didn't seem to exist prior to that. [00:20:00] MU: That's such a good example of one person. Like everybody thinking it and just one person being willing to say it. Yes. I like to remind people, you can do it any way you want. So we have this nontraditional approach to Christmas with my parents, where it's like, “Hey, whether we celebrate it on Christmas Day or January 29th, it kind of doesn't matter. We're going to have Christmas in a way and a time that works for all of us.” They'll keep their tree up late, and we'll hold presents for my son. But we get to celebrate in a way that doesn't stress everybody out. So you can have those nontraditional celebrations. You can choose to not go anywhere at all, and you don't need an excuse to stay home. It doesn't have to be, well, we're going to take a vacation this year. It can be we just don't want to travel, and we want a quiet Christmas at home, and we're not accepting visitors, and we're not going to go anywhere. We'll happily FaceTime with you. If we celebrate Christmas in July, then that's fantastic too. But I encourage people to think outside the box because you can create traditions any way you choose as a family. [00:21:04] PF: We're just not used to thinking we can do that. We're just not used to thinking that we can go, especially in the holidays. That we can just say, “Yeah, we're not participating in that tradition. We want to create our own.” But how important is it for our children to see us taking that initiative and for them to understand like, “Yes, I can create my own boundaries going forward.”? [00:21:25] MU: Yes. It's so important for your kid. People often say, “How do I impart this idea of healthy boundaries with my kids?” It's setting and holding healthy boundaries on behalf of you and the family and modeling that for your kids. You're also doing this on their behalf. My son does not enjoy being in a car most of Christmas day, as we travel hours and hours between all of the families. But he loves that he gets four Christmases, one with us, one with grandma, one with Grandpa, one with his dad. He loves that we get to spread it out over the course of a month. So it really does make everybody's time easier, and you can acknowledge your family members’ disappointment, “I'm sorry that we won't be spending the day with you,” while still holding the boundary. We'll make sure we have plenty of time to visit two weekends from now when we come, and we'll do all of the Christmas things. We'll sing carols, we'll sit around the tree, we'll play games, and it will be just as festive. [00:22:21] PF: That is such a wonderful way to approach it. The other thing that really interferes – Not interferes. That can take some time is our work place during this time of year. You've got holiday parties, and those are often obligatory. How do we set boundaries around that? Because we're walking a fine line since it is work, and some things might be required. [00:22:43] MU: It is challenging, of course, to set boundaries in the workplace because of the power dynamics in play. I think a lot of times, companies sometimes – It’s not that they leave it until the last minute, but you've got projects. You've got deadlines. You've got goals kind of that you want to wrap up by year end. Again, setting expectations ahead of time is key. If you are going to be taking time off during the holidays, it's requesting that plenty early, reminding people ahead of time like, “Hey. Just so you remember, I’ll be out. I would send this email out like December 1st. I'm going to be out from this point to this point around the holidays. I will not be checking email or Slack. I will not be participating in meetings.” Make it very clear that you are out of office. If we need to have meetings ahead of time to set deliverables, let me know. I'm going to have XYZ cover my deliverables during this time period. So everyone knows who to go to. Those little reminders along the way can really help to set the expectation so that when somebody does send an email or text to you to ask you a question, you can say, “I am out of office and not responding to text. I'll be back in the office on this date.” So I think that's really important to communicate very clearly. But then you also have to set the boundary with yourself that if you say you're out of office, you're not checking email. You're not responding to just like that one Slack message really quick because now you're changing the expectation, and people will take as much as you are willing to give. [00:24:04] PF: Yeah. You have some great illustrations in your book about that. About the poor woman who was on vacation. [00:24:10] MU: That was my sister. That was my sister. It was – [00:24:13] PF: Oh, my God. I was horrified. [00:24:15] MU: Whose boss is like – [00:24:15] PF: [inaudible 00:24:15] story real quick because that's just horrifying. [00:24:18] MU: She worked in a very toxic workplace environment, where her boss tracked her down on her first vacation in over a year and like called her off of her paddleboard in the middle of the ocean for something that was absolutely not an emergency. Though my sister tried to set boundaries a number of times in that organization, they very clearly demonstrated that this was not a place where boundaries would be respected. So she did all she could to create a healthier workplace environment and could not and ended up finding a new job. But at least she tried. That's what I say to people in the workplace. Your only options are not to let your employer or coworkers continue to run you over or quit and get a new job. There are a number of options in the middle where you can try at least to set and hold boundaries around your work time, your personal time, your ethics or values or your personal space. If they don't hold and you're not able to maintain those boundaries because the workplace is simply not amenable to them, at least you know you've done everything you could to try to make your workplace culture healthy. [00:25:22] PF: Yeah. That is so terrific. Can you talk about what happens to us when we start practicing setting boundaries? Because it seems like once you've kind of mastered it, you're probably going to get pretty good at it in a lot of different areas that you didn't even think about going into it. [00:25:37] MU: I think you do. Boundaries kind of bring about this sense of inertia, where an object in motion stays in motion. What happens is it becomes like this self-affirming prophecy. So you steal yourself and you say, “I deserve to set this limit. My needs are worthy. My comfort is worthy. My feelings matter, just as much as anybody else's, and I am going to set this limit because I know it is for the best for my health and safety, and I know it's going to improve the relationship.” You set the limit, and the other person respects it, and your relationship improves. Now, you're like, “Okay. Now, I have the self-confidence to seek out other areas,” and you feel more comfortable setting them. You feel more comfortable holding them. Other people in your life experience this real sense of safety around you because they know that you mean what you say and that you will take responsibility for your own feelings and your own needs. That is a very comforting and reassuring place to be, and you're allowing other people in your life to say no to you. So now, you're both showing up where you want to, how you want to in a way that feels good to both of you. It has this tremendous cascade effect, this ripple effect that will move through all of your relationships at work, with family, with friends, with total strangers on the street. It really is such a powerful, transformative experience that anyone can start literally right now. [00:27:02] PF: That's so excellent. This book is absolutely incredible. It is so informative, educational, inspiring, and funny. There's just so much that we can take away from it. This is terrific. We are going to – In the wrap up, I'm going to tell people how they can follow you on social media, where they can find you, where they can buy your book. But as they enter the holiday season, what's the thing that you most want them to keep in mind? [00:27:27] MU: I want you to keep in mind that your comfort, your joy, the sense of magic and wonder that the holidays can bring are all at your disposal this year with a healthy boundary practice. [00:27:41] PF: I love it. Melissa, thank you so much for coming on the show, for writing this book, and for sharing this with us. [00:27:47] MU: Thanks so much Paula. It was a joy to talk to you as well. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:27:54] PF: That was Melissa Urban, author of The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free. If you'd like to learn more about Melissa and her work, follow her on social media, or buy her book, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Becoming a Happy Leader With Tia Graham  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 389 of Live Happy Now. Not everyone feels that work and happiness go hand in hand. But today's guest believes that not only can you find happiness at work, but you must. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week I'm sitting down with Tia Graham, a certified chief happiness officer, Founder of the company Arrive at Happy, and author of the new book, Be a Happy Leader.   Tia has multiple certifications in neuroscience, positive psychology, and leadership coaching, and she works with executives and teams to help create happier workplaces. Today, she's here to teach us how we can find more happiness at work. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:45] PF: Tia, thank you so much for coming on Live Happy Now. [00:00:48] TG: Thank you for having me. [00:00:51] PF: Work has long been a challenge for people, and it's so important because it's something that we spend most of our time doing, and there's a lot of unhappiness in the workplace. I wondered, in your studies, in your research, what made you decide to focus on leaders in the workplace? [00:01:10] TG: Yes. So prior to starting my company, Arrive at Happy, I was a director of sales and marketing, a leader in the luxury hotel industry and different places in the United States and Europe. So I was a leader of teams for 14 years. Positive leadership was always very, very important to me. I took it as an honor, leading people. In my 14 years of leadership in the hotel industry, I had some incredible inspirational happy leaders, and I also had the complete opposite. I had some toxic, very negative leaders. One of my big missions is to have more happy leaders in the world of work. Then when I started researching the levels of disengagement with leaders, that was another big motivation. Also, the science of happiness isn't extremely well known within corporate America. So, yeah, lots of motivation to bring this into work. [00:02:12] PF: What is the difference between unhappiness at the leadership level and unhappiness at the employee level? Have you seen any differentiation? [00:02:21] TG: So it's actually quite similar, and this is all of the Gallup research. There's a little bit more disengagement at the employee level, but it's pretty close. In terms of people who are actively disengaged in both groups, it's around 13 to 15 percent, so really everyone's interconnected. [00:02:42] PF: Because you tend to think that leaders, at least from an employee standpoint, employees think, well, they should be happier. They're making more money. They get to take some time off for golf. Whatever it is, it seems like leaders should have it a little bit easier when it comes to happiness. They're in a little bit more comfortable position. [00:03:00] TG: Yeah. There is some correlation, like how you reference being able to play golf. There is some correlation between how much money you make and how happy you are and having less stress and anxiety about money. Really, some leaders have more time affluence, right? They have more time for friends and family, for hobbies, etc. Also, though, with leadership comes more stress, more anxiety, more pressure. So there's different challenges as well. [00:03:31] PF: The leaders that you have worked with that you've seen, is that happiness kind of an innate thing, that they are naturally happy people, and they bring it to the workplace? Or is it something that they've had to work at? [00:03:43] TG: So the research shows, and this aligns exactly with all of the companies that I've been working with over the past six years, is there's a group of people who are more genetically predisposed to be happier, and life circumstances do play a part. But there are some leaders who actively make choices that increase their wellbeing and create sustainable wellbeing. Then there are some leaders who do not, right? Who do not prioritize their own happiness and focus on whether it be their physical wellbeing, emotional wellbeing, mental health, psychological, investing in their relationships. As I said, little bit genetically predisposed. But then there are some people who truly make this a priority and focus on it and others who don't. [00:04:40] PF: What kind of outcomes do you see in the leaders, and what are the differences in the outcomes they see in their workplace? [00:04:47] TG: So a leader who is happy at work is more productive. So they work faster and they work smarter. They are more creative and innovative, as their brain broadens and builds with more positive emotions. They have higher rates of employee, team member loyalty, less unwanted turnover. Motivation within the team is higher. Sales are higher. There's a direct correlation between sales, and the customer service scores are higher as well. That all translates to the engagement scores, which most companies do engagement surveys once a year. [00:05:27] PF: There’s actually a cost to the company of unhappiness and stress in the workplace. [00:05:32] TG: Yes. Yes, absolutely. Whether it be the cost of recruiting, hiring, training, the cost of knowledge drain, when people leave, the cost of customer unhappiness or customers not being satisfied, and then putting that out on social media or choosing not to come back to that business as well. There's this huge phenomenon happening called quiet quitting, where people are doing the bare minimum, right? You think about the cost of productivity there, which directly relates to engagement. There is also the cost of potential revenue. The research shows that when sales or business development professionals are happy while they're working, they'll sell 37 to 45 percent more. So if you have a lot of your sales force that isn't feeling that great, they're not making as much money for the organization as well. [00:06:36] PF: So interesting because I think if more people equated the financial outcomes with happiness, they might kind of change the approach. So how do people start changing that mindset? Because, obviously, this has to start at the top for you to change the organization. So how do they start changing that? [00:06:57] TG: Yes. So the world of work is changing fast and for the better. I'm actually very optimistic about where it's going and how it's going to benefit humans globally. There are some organizations. Like Deloitte, for example, has achieved wellbeing officer at the very top, Jen Fisher. So leaders at the top, if you think about the CEO and the executive team, is first to understand about positive psychology, the science of happiness and the neuroscience behind happiness. Also understand and be motivated by the direct connection between happy employees and business outputs. To see the correlation, how it directly affects the bottom line, right, just what we were talking about earlier. Then be committed to creating a positive work culture and focusing on supporting the whole being all different aspects of people's lives. In addition to continuing to focus on productivity and output and driving results, focus equally as much on the relationships and how people feel, cultivating a sense of belonging, making sure that people have psychological safety, diversity, equity, and inclusion, and so on. Really investing in leadership training and development, as well as measurement to make sure that people are feeling happy, they're feeling engaged, and that the executive team can see, can be proactive, if there's an area of need, if there's a leader that's not creating this type of culture. [00:08:41] PF: So what do people do in situations, where maybe you have an organization, and the top leader or the CEO, owner, whatever it is, is not happy, is not going to be happy, is not going to buy into this? How then does a team underneath that start making it happen? Because that's something I have seen a lot of, where you have a leader who is a bully, really. It's a situation where they want things done a certain way, and they don't care about happiness. They don't care about wellbeing. They just want it done. So how does the rest of the team then create an environment that can kind of override that? [00:09:21] TG: Yes, such a great question. I was in that exact situation when I worked for five hotels in New York City, and the leader above me was just as you described, and then I had a team that worked for me that I truly wanted to create a bubble. So the first step is to know that even though everyone at the top might not be a happy positive leader, it doesn't mean that you can't create a positive culture within your team and to never underestimate the ripple effect that you have with your coworkers and with the people that you work with because emotions are contagious. Mirror neurons in our brain have us feel the way that other people are feeling around us, whether it be virtual or in person. So just to remember that you truly can have a positive effect on people, and to look at strategies and tools for you to contribute to make the team happy, as well as make yourself happy. There's a wonderful book by Dr. Annie McKee called How to Be Happy at Work. So for anyone listening, who's not necessarily a leader but really wants to increase their happiness at work, there's a lot of great actions in there, proven actions in there for how you can increase your wellbeing, even if maybe the CEO or executives aren't that happy. [00:10:49] PF: That's great, and that's great to know there's a resource out there for that because that is becoming more and more important for people and especially with Gen Z entering the workforce. I think that's really going to change the way that leaders have to create an environment because Gen Z places such an importance on mental health. You think that is going to help turn this tide too and help us realize like we really need to foster a culture of happiness and creativity? [00:11:19] TG: Yes, absolutely. I mean, the levels of anxiety and chronic stress, overwhelm, burnout with different generations, even including teenagers, that it's bringing to the forefront and need to focus on mental health. Of course, there's been so much focus on physical health over the years, and yet mental health now is really, really coming into the foreground. Leaders and people need to go farther than maybe suggesting meditation or saying, “Okay, here's a discount to a yoga class where you live,” or that sort of thing. But to really actually create safe spaces, where people can have vulnerable conversations. I can't help but think of the wonderful Brene Brown of talking about having hard conversations at work. Recently, I heard the CEO of Microsoft speak at this conference called The Future of Work, and he was talking about he shares with his team when he's not doing well mentally. I'm like, “Okay, if the CEO of Microsoft can talk about this when he's feeling extremely stressed or he's feeling very anxious, everyone should be able to.” So the old paradigm of it's sort of like game face for work, do not show emotions, be strong, have your work face is not working for people right now, right? I don't think that people need to be authentic. Of course, they’ll be professional, but to be authentic and to have vulnerable conversations about how people are really doing. [00:12:58] PF: Yeah. That is a big shift to turn around, but it is slowly listing toward that side. [00:13:04] TG: Yes. That will take time. [00:13:06] PF: It will. What about people who are workers, but they're working from home? So they have a different kind of struggle. How do they apply these things? [00:13:20] TG: Yeah. So for people who are working at home, there's benefits and, of course, there's challenges, right? So a lot of people are loving that they have more time back, don't necessarily have to commute. Maybe they can get a quick workout in at lunch. Maybe they can eat lunch outside, give their kid a kiss and a hug when they get home from school, etc. So first up I would say is savor and recognize and have gratitude for the blessings that are in your life with that working from home. Also, recognize that the challenges include feeling more disconnected and some people even feeling isolated, so being intentional about creating human connection moments. So human connection is the number one driver of happiness, right? Spending time with people you care about who care about you. So whether that be video calls, walking meetings, sending little video chats, having that human connection piece is really, really important. Another potential driver of unhappiness from working at home is sort of that work scope creep. It can creep into every part of your day. So having very clearly defined boundaries of when you’re work and when you're not working and making sure that the habits that help us stay healthy like good sleep, good food, meditating, exercise, time for hobbies, time for learning, spending time with friends and family, loved ones, etc., that you honor those. I recommend scheduling them. I joke of like I schedule everything. I schedule meditation. I schedule date nights with my husband. If not, it's very easy to just keep working. So, yeah, and I would say at home, as much as you can also incorporate if you can get a standing desk, if you can have a little more movement and keep your body healthy at home, to do that as well. But really focus on the human connection piece. [00:15:20] PF: Whether you're working at home or in an office, how do you then reach out to someone who is working remotely or another coworker to help them have that same experience? How do you help them along in their happiness journey? [00:15:33] TG: Yes. So I mean, one just resource that pops in my head is if you have someone on your team who or that you work with that you see is struggling or maybe could use some more happiness and wellbeing, I would highly recommend people take the free Yale Happiness Class by Dr. Laurie Santos. It's a great resource of sort of this introduction to positive psychology or the science of happiness. Another great resource is the book Happier by Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, who I actually studied with for a year. He's a fantastic teacher. I speak on this multiple times a month, and most people aren't that familiar with the science of happiness, so really just starting to share those resources. A very simple question is when you're connecting with people to say, “How are you doing really,” and truly being present for someone that you know is not doing so well, and they're kind of like, “I'm fine,” is I would say open up and share maybe some challenges that you're going through right now. By being vulnerable, they might feel safe to do the same. But I think just checking in with people is really, really important. [00:16:47] PF: Yeah. It’s something we got away from during the pandemic, and it feels like a lot of people are having trouble going back to that, that check in. Would you say that's what you're seeing? [00:17:00] TG: Yes, yes. I mean, during the height of the pandemic, when everyone was so isolated, right? It was like this constant, “Is everyone okay? Is everyone okay?” Even though life is more open now, there are a lot more experiences that we can do, there's still a continuum of people feeling lonely and feeling isolated. So I would, yeah, say reach out as much as you can. [00:17:28] PF: Obviously, technology has made all this possible, our ability to work remotely and connect remotely. But how does technology also negatively affect our happiness and our stress levels? [00:17:41] TG: Yes. Thank you for bringing this up, such a great question. Yes. So the research shows that too much technology, and especially too much time on social media, increases human anxiety and increases levels of sadness and depression. So it's about being very intentional and cognizant about how and when you're using technology. So in my keynote talks, I talked about being very intentional about the content that you consume. Obviously, this podcast is a fantastic piece of content. This is a great type of content for people to consume. But if you are watching and checking the news throughout the day on your smartphone, it's going to make you less happy and more anxious. So maybe you have one or two times a day where you check. I tell people never watch the news on television because it makes you 31% more negative for the rest of the day. But stay informed. Read about the news. But it can consume you, and it can make you feel very negative and anxious. Also, in terms of email, right? Having – Setting boundaries for yourself that – For example, my two young daughters go to sleep around 8:30 PM. I try to have connected time with my husband and not sit and do email from 8:30 to 10:00 at night. I really try and have that as focus on our relationship time. Again, it's being very intentional and also noticing how you feel engaging with the different technology pieces. I tell people, if you get on Facebook and you're full of anger, maybe you need to unfollow a lot of accounts. Or maybe you just need to not get to be on Facebook. [00:19:39] PF: Go watch a cat video, right? [00:19:40] TG: Exactly. So, yeah, I say nourish your brain the way you nourish your body. [00:19:46] PF: It’s so important, especially the emails. I'm glad you brought that up because that gets overwhelming. Being able to put limits and boundaries on that in itself is just a huge thing to be able to do. As we let you go, where do people start? As they walk away from this, what is the one thing that they can do today to apply one of your principles in the workplace to start making it a happier place for them? [00:20:11] TG: Yes. So one place to start is to increase the amount of specific appreciation that you give to others. People, adults are not acknowledged enough in life or in work. When you give specific appreciation for something that they did for you, a way that they took care of a customer, whatever it is, they are going to be filled with happiness, and you're going to feel happier because you deliver that information, whether it be verbally or written, etc. I would say whatever team you're a part of is increase that type of communication, where people are appreciating each other more, and everyone's happiness will rise. [00:21:07] PF: That's terrific. Tia, your book gives us a lot to learn. I'm going to tell all our listeners how they can get it. We'll have something on the website about it. But thank you so much for sitting down and talking with us today. You're doing some really important work, and I'm glad you took 30 minutes out of your day to be able to spend this time with us. [00:21:25] TG: Oh, thank you. You can't see me right now, but I have a huge smile on my face. So thank you for having me. [00:21:30] PF: Thank you. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:21:36] PF: That was Tia Graham, author of Be a Happy Leader. If you'd like to learn more about Tia, follow her on social media, access some her great tools online, or buy her book, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. As we begin November and enter the season of giving, Live Happy has a whole new way to share your happiness with others. Brand new in Live Happy Store is our giving plate, which you can use to pay it forward to others. Just fill it with your favorite treats and share it with a neighbor, your kid’s teacher, a coworker, or anyone else in your life you'd like to show appreciation to. The poem on our Live Happy giving plate encourages them to spread joy by doing the same for someone else. You can find it right now in the Live Happy Store at store.livehappy.com. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Make Space for Happiness With Tracy McCubbin  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 387 of Live Happy Now. If you're like most people, you probably have a little bit of extra stuff laying around the house. But by the time you finish listening to this episode, you just might be ready to let it go. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week I am joined by decluttering expert, Tracy McCubbin, author of Make Space for Happiness: How to Stop Attracting Clutter and Start Magnetizing the Life You Want. Tracy has some surprising things to say about the relationship between clutter and happiness. And what straightening up the space in your house can do for this space in your head. Check it out. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:43] PF: Tracy, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:45] TM: Paula, thank you for having me. I love the title of your show. I love it. [00:00:51] PF: Thank you so much. Yeah, it pretty much tells what we're about. [00:00:55] TM: You know, I think there's this – I see it. I'm a professional declutter. I own a decluttering company. And I see with so many of my clients that they are waiting for something to happen to get happy, “Oh, if I get that bigger house, then I can start being happy.” Or, “Oh, if I just get my kids out of middle school, then I can be happy.” And my feeling from my own life is that there's no waiting. It starts now. You're not guaranteed tomorrow. You're not – so much can happen. And so, sort of putting off finding the happiness, I think we waste a lot of time. [00:01:32] PF: We do. And so, that's why we're here. We're here to give the little shortcut. [00:01:36] TM: I love. Happiness hacks. [00:01:38] PF: That's right. That's right. Well, you have several. I've got to say, I spent time with your book over the weekend, and I love everything about it. Because you connect decluttering and happiness in a way that I just have not seen done. And it's so concise. And you simplify it. And I guess before we really dive in, can you tell me how you discovered that connection between clutter and mental health? [00:02:05] TM: Well, I kind of came to being a professional declutterer. I've had my company for 15 years. I have nine people who work for me. We are unbelievably busy. I'm so grateful for all of our clients. But over the years of doing this, I just started to see – I live in Los Angeles. I have a lot of very – like, celebrity clients, and wealthy clients, and all stratas. And I just started to see that there was no correlation between stuff and happiness. And actually, what I really saw is that the more stuff people had, the more burden they are. It wasn't storage units full of stuff, or big giant houses, that wasn't equating happiness. And another component is I'm a child of a hoarder. My dad is an extreme hoarder. Diagnosed. And we're dealing with that right now. I've also watched the extreme end of someone really being a prisoner to their stuff, and how it's affected every relationship in his life. Everything about it. For me, just working with people, and then starting to do my own research like you, like, “Well, how can we be a little happier? What can we do?” And sort of realizing that it comes back to the same principles. Get some exercise. You don't have to run a marathon. Just take a walk around the neighborhood. Move around. Just move your body. Be of service. Help somebody outside of yourself. Connect with your friends. And have a gratitude practice. And know where in that stuff is buy more things. Nowhere in that as shopping will make you happier. [00:03:48] PF: That's such a great point, because how big of a problem is clutter in our world? I mean, when you said you have 15 people working for you? [00:03:57] TM: Yeah, yeah. [00:03:58] PF: Started answering my question right there. [00:04:00] TM: Yeah. Yeah, we are in a clutter crisis. This country especially is in a clutter crisis. And it's a perfect storm of a lot of things. And one of the things that I talked about in the book, Make Space for Happiness, is that what we don't realize today, 2022, that we are being marketed to 24 hours a day. Back in the old days, when I was a kid, I'm 57, there were three TV channels. You knew the commercials came on at 18 minutes. And you kind of knew the drill. And now, we are – commercials marketing to 24/7. And it's also never been easier to shop. You don't even have to put pants on now to go shopping. We're just buying, buying, buying at this breathtaking, breathtaking speed, and we're not any happier. [00:04:56] PF: Yeah. One thing, as I was reading your book, it made me think about how – as a kid, you and I are about the same age. And as a kid growing up, you get the newspaper. And if there was like a sale going on, that was a big deal. Like, Sears has having a sale on something. And now it's like you get the paper every – Okay, what's on sale at Target this week? What's on sale here? There's just a constant barrage of print as well that's hitting you. [00:05:21] TM: Yeah. And we have a thing around our house. I was at the grocery store the other day, and it was like, literally, almost everything was on sale. Buy three, get – And I was like, “Wow! If everything's on sale, nothing's on sale.” That it's sort of this. And also, speaking to you went school clothes shopping. I wasn't getting a new outfit every weekend. You went school clothes shopping. And you got some stuff for holidays and your birthday. But this constant I need, I need, I need, I need something new, it's really flipped our priorities. And so, for me that was taking the jump of working with so many clients. Dealing with my dad. Just going like, “This isn't fixing things. This isn't fixing things.” And look, I say this, I'm not saying that you're never going to shop again. I'm not saying there are some amazing people have done in podcast about not spent money for a year. And I think those are fantastic. I'm not saying that. I'm saying I want us to have an awareness. What are we bringing into our homes? Are we being mindful about it? Are we just shopping and shopping and shopping and shopping? And thinking that it's going to give us happiness? There's a little bit of science – there's a lot of bit of science, around shopping. And what happens, especially if you online shop, is you get a hit of dopamine when you put the thing in your cart and you hit by now. You get a hit of dopamine when the package shows up on your doorstep. You get a hit of dopamine when you open it. You've kind of had these little events where you're like, “Oh, I'm a little happier. I'm a little happier. I'm a little happier.” But it's not sustainable. It doesn't stick around. So, then you're like, “Oh, well, I got to buy more to get that feeling back.” Not unlike that first cookie made me feel good. Maybe the fifth one will make me feel better. You know? And so, it's understanding the shopping, the acquisition cycle, and really seeing what it does to go like, “Oh, right. I'm actually not getting any happiness from that.” And getting a good feeling for a few minutes. One of the things that I want people to realize about clutter, especially about bringing it into your house, is that there are forces working against us. It's not necessarily that you're weak, or that we're lazy, or we're bad housekeepers. It's that we're being told to buy all the time. All the time. And I think when people kind of realize that, they can sort of see their part in it and also not beat themselves up so much. [00:08:05] PF: Mm-hmm. Well, it happens once they look around and they say, “Well, I have all this stuff.” Do they then want to stop? Or do they keep going? Typically, when you're working with people, what happens? [00:08:16] TM: I define clutter as the stuff that gets in the way of what you really want to do. If you want to, every morning, cook yourself a really healthy breakfast so you can start your day off right, but your kitchen counter is covered with appliances that you don't use, and mail, and all this stuff, and it's not set up to cook, then that becomes clutter. If your closet is so stuffed with clothes that getting dressed in the morning literally brings you to tears. I cannot tell you how many people are like, “I cry in the morning.” I'm like, “That's not a good way to start your day.” [00:08:49] PF: No, it's not. [00:08:50] TM: That's when your stuff becomes clutter. It's realizing when it's crossed over, when it's become clutter, and how that clutter is affecting you. Your home should be the place of respite. It should be the place of refilling your well. That you come home, and you sleep, and you nourish yourself, and you connect with your family, or your partner. Or if you're by yourself, you take some downtime. But if you're moving your stuff back and forth laterally to make room for yourself, that is adding stress to you. It's understanding the effect that the clutter has on you. And in this book, it's really about understanding why you're bringing the clutter in. What do you think that's missing? What's the hole inside of yourself that you're trying to magnetize something to fill it? [00:09:38] PF: And one thing in your book, and you identify seven clutter blocks that keep us from getting rid of things that we don't need, we don't want, we don't use. I loved the way that you break those down. Can you talk about those a little bit? [00:09:53] TM: Absolutely. The clutter blocks are the emotional stories we tell ourselves about why we can't let go stuff that we don't want need or use. It's a complicated story. And the funny thing is we all tell ourselves the same story. This ranges from everything from clutter block number one, which is my stuff keeps me stuck in the past. This is maybe you have grown kids, and you still have their rooms exactly the way they were. This may be clothes that you don't fit into anymore. And let's acknowledge, let's acknowledge that there is gravity, and your body is going to change over time. It's going to change over time. Things that you wore 20 years ago, you may not be able to wear anymore. And I see so many people hanging on to that stuff, especially those clothes, “Well, I used to be that size.” And I remember – what that stuff does is tells you that your best days are behind you. [00:10:52] PF: Oh my. Wow! What a powerful way to look at it. [00:10:57] TM: Yeah, that you're not moving forward. Another clutter block is clutter block number three, the stuff I'm avoiding, which is, full disclosure, that is my clutter block. That is I hate to open mail. I hate emails. Everything about being a grown up is really stressful for me. And so, I avoid it. But it doesn't get better. That letter from the IRS, ignoring it is not going to make it better. [00:11:26] PF: I got to confess, that's my thing, too. [00:11:29] TM: Yeah, it's funny. Oftentimes, very productive, successful people fall into this, because they kind of are doing so much other stuff that they don't deal with being a grown up. We got to be a grown up. Another great clutter block, this is one of my favorites, and this came up so much during the pandemic, I'm not worth my good stuff. This is my people who have beautiful things, but don't use them. They don't burn the fancy candle. They don't wear the nice sweater. They're saving for a special occasion. It's always this time down in the future. And what I like to say is use the nice stuff. You're worth it. Even if you're just heating a piece of pizza, put it on the piece of China. Burn the nice candle. Why have all these beautiful things if you don't use them? What are you saving them for? Big part of my company, dClutterfly, our business is that we help families after someone has passed away. We'll help empty out the house. And I cannot tell you how many times I've been in homes where, literally, their wedding presents from 40 years ago that were never opened, that were never used. That they're sort of waiting for that special occasion. And then life comes and goes and they never used it. I'm like use it today. Today is the special day. Today is the special day. Another great one, and I really see this. This is clutter block number six. And I really see this with people, especially women kind of between 40 and 60. We're really starting to kind of get the impact of being the sandwich generation. Still have kids. And your parents are aging. And clutter box number six is trapped with other people's stuff. And this is really about inheriting. Someone has passed away. Someone has gifted you things that you're sort of got all this stuff from someone else and you feel guilty letting go of it. But you have no use for it. I work with people all the time who have rented a storage unit to pay to store the furniture that they don't want from their parents or grandparents, but they can't imagine getting rid of it. They're really trapped in this cycle of holding on to things that they don't – will never use, but can't let go of them. [00:13:53] PF: In that case, you're really dealing with a lot of guilt, aren't you? [00:13:58] TM: Yeah, so much guilt. So much guilt. And what I really say, this one, is start to have the conversations now. Everyone is so nervous, or they think it's morbid, or it's too emotional to talk about what happens when someone passes. But I am very big on getting your house in order, getting your stuff in order. Telling people what really is valuable. Not what's imagined valuable. Who you want to have stuff? I have a lot of my – I call them my little old lady clients. They're sort of 85 and above. And they're at their last chapter. And they're enjoying it. And they have started – I see more and more. They're starting to give their jewelry away now before they pass with the idea being – And one of my first clients said it to me. She was like, “I'm never going to wear this ring again. I can't get it on my fingers. But I want to see my granddaughter wear it.” I don't want to wait until I'm gone. I'm going to go to lunch with her and see it on her finger and know that she's enjoying it. And so, I think that we, when this generation starts to do that, accept it. Understand. Don't shy away from it. Really know, “Oh, they're celebrating. And this is something that we can share together.” [00:15:16] PF: I love that. And you don't have to wait until you're 85 to do that, right? [00:15:19] TM: Nope. No, no, no. My niece just went up to visit my mom. And she's like, “Nana was giving me all this stuff. What does that mean?” And I was like, “Because Nana doesn't need it anymore. Nana's retired. Take the cute clothes. She wants to enjoy it with you.” I think that if you're out there, and you're listening, and you're trapped with other people's stuff, remember this. You don't really want this stuff. You want the connection to the person who's passed. And so, we think by keeping all the stuff, we're going to keep the connection. And what I say is, if you're keeping more stuff than you're comfortable with, if you're keeping stuff and it's a financial burden, if your garage is full of stuff, you start to actually lessen the connection because you start to get resentful. And so, what I'm saying is maybe you just keep a small amount so that you can truly be happy. And when you look at it, you remember that person enjoying. Not like, “Ugh! I have a $400 a month storage in it full of my grandma's furniture. You know? That really honor that connection. I think that people are so – they think they have to keep everything. And it really becomes a burden. I mean, it's called trapped with other people's stuff for a reason. That people are really stuck. And I do gently joke with my clients, because they're like, “I don't know how I'm going to get rid of this. My mom would be so mad.” And I was like, “I've been doing this for a long time. No one has ever come back from the great beyond to be mad at you about –” And I feel like if people – Honestly, if people – If you were able to, let's say, have an hour with someone who passed away just by magic, they would want you to be happy. They wouldn't want you to be burden. They wouldn't – I really know this with all my heart, because they’re at the end with so many people. And so, if you're in this, if you're trapped with this, just change your lens on it. Just look at it a little bit of a different way. Would that person really want you to be beholden to their stuff? [00:17:28] PF: Yeah. Yeah, because you tell a really compelling story in the book about the woman had a whole storage unit full of precious moments, figurines, and it was costing money, and it was creating problems in her marriage. [00:17:40] TM: Yeah, exactly, exactly. That she was paying to store these things that were her mother's. And she had a very fraught relationship with her mother. And she was like, “Well, this was so important to her.” But it was really financially a big burden to them. And so, here she was financially putting her and her husband. And they were trying to start a family. They were trying to do all these things. And they have this giant storage bill for stuff that she didn't even want. And so, it's like she had to get real with what she was doing and the choices that she was making. And that those precious memories weren't her precious memories. [00:18:15] PF: Right. And so, how big a shift is it? Because it's not as simple as you sitting down with someone and saying, “Okay, here's what you're going to do.” And then they say, “Oh, that works.” And now everything's fine. How big a shift is it to turn around? Because we didn't get into this spot overnight. [00:18:33] TM: Well, I’ll use my favorite expression. Rome was not cluttered in a day. I think that it's a shift. It's a mindset shift for sure. And I think to start – before you even start decluttering, before you even get into it, the most important thing is to figure out why. Why do you want to make this change? Because the change will never stick if you don't have a compelling why. Do you want to declutter and have less stuff because you want to have friends over for dinner and feel comfortable at that? Do you want to be able to shut the door and go on vacation and not worry about it? Do you want to downsize to a smaller house? What is your why? And notice, in all of those whys that I list, it's never about, “Well, I want to just be a good housekeeper.” It’s not what it's about, right? It's just not there. And it's not about the shame. It's about what's the positive actionable thing that you hope to do by having less stuff? One of my favorite phone calls I ever got from a client, she had a cute little apartment, but the stuff had taken over. She had two bedrooms in it that she couldn't use. She hadn't had friends over in I think she said like 10 years. And so, we decluttered. And she did great. And a couple of weeks after we worked together, she called me and she said, “A friend of mine called me and said, “Hey, I'm just down the street. Do you want to meet for coffee?” And she said in the first time in 10 years, “I could have them come over to my house and have coffee.” And she said, “The joy that that brought me, that I wasn't like rushing to meet them at a coffee shop, or embarrassed about my house.” She said it changed everything. [00:20:25] PF: That’s amazing. [00:20:26] TM: Yeah. That for me is what's your why? Why do you want to go on this journey? And you know, Paula, it can also simply be as simple as like I just want a little empty space. I just want a little corner to breathe. I just want some peace. Right? It can be that. And so, it's definitely click into your why. Go easy on yourself. Start small. Be aware of why you've held on to the clutter. Why you're bringing the clutter in. Just start to make some changes. And don't be a weekend warrior. Don't think you're going to get it done in one weekend. It’s just not. You're just not. I think we got to go a little easier on ourselves. [00:21:14] PF: And then how do we remind ourselves about our goals and our purpose in this journey? Because just like a diet, or an exercise program, you can get gung ho at the beginning, and then get off track. [00:21:27] TM: You know, sometimes it's as simple as writing it out on a piece of paper and sticking at your desk where you see it every day. It's some visual reminder. It's also when you do declutter, like, let's say you do a shelf in your linen closet, or you do the junk drawer in your kitchen, take a moment to see how good that feels. When that the next time you've got to go find a rubber band, you know exactly where they are and they're not old, broken ones. Go like, “Oh, right. That's why I wanted to get decluttered, because it works. This just made my life easier.” If you celebrate those wins, if you celebrate how it feels and the change that came out of it, then the behavioral change starts to stick. [00:22:09] PF: That's terrific. And what about, at the top of the show, we talked about the constant marketing? The emails? The text alerts? All these things? How do we kind of put a bubble around ourselves to minimize or eliminate as many of those as we can? [00:22:27] TM: I think it's understanding, especially around social media. Look, I love social media, I have a big Instagram and TikTok presence. I love connecting with people. I do these five things you can declutter in under five-minute challenges. It's great. But also, having literacy, media literacy and understanding it's still a sales platform. People are still selling to you. Somebody went said to me about television years ago. They said, “Oh, the shows, we're just the filler between the commercials.” You know? And so, I think it's having literacy and understanding, “Oh, right, that influencer is not my friend. I may like them, but they're not.” Even though it looks like it's my girlfriend saying to me, “Oh, try this thing. That's not the case.” And so, understanding the reality of it, right? Understanding the cycle of acquisition. When you order something online, “Bing!” You get a dopamine hit when you buy it. The next day, “Bing!” When it shows up on your doorstep, you get a dopamine hit, “Bing!” It’s this. And that dopamine hit doesn't last. So, you're like, “Oh, I got to buy more to get it again.” Just really understanding what – just educating yourself. Like, everything, right? Educating yourself. How can you – when you understand, “Oh, these things can hack my happiness.” One of the most fascinating things, they did a study, and I think at Yale. And they found out, if you write a handwritten thank you note, you raise your serotonin for 30 days. [00:24:14] PF: Oh, my gosh! [00:24:16] TM: One handwritten note, you raise your serotonin for 30 days. That's amazing. Like, amazing, amazing, amazing. [00:24:26] PF: That’s a heck of a payoff for one night. [00:24:27] TM: It’s a heck of a payoff. And if you think about that, happiness hack, that not only are you raising your own serotonin, but you're also doing it for someone who gets the note, right? You're being of service. You're having a gratitude practice. It’s those little things that makes such a big difference. [00:24:48] PF: Yeah. And let's talk, because I know I have to let you go, but I don't want to. Talk about the payoff in this of reducing clutter and what it does for our happiness? Because you spelled it out so beautifully in your book. Can you tell us that? [00:25:03] TM: Absolutely. First of all, on the kind of simplest scientific clutter equals stress. They’ve proven it. They've done millions of studies. Visual clutter, it raises our cortisol levels. And women especially, and especially women who are perimenopause and menopausal, it is – You know, it's a real thing, this cortisol. It's kind of where the tummy comes from. And more clutter raises your stress. The other important piece of information is that every piece of clutter in your house is a decision you have to make. Do I want this? Where does it live? Will I ever use it? Do I spend too much money for it? And all of those constant decisions put you in decision fatigue, which is basically your brain is just tired of making decisions. So, what will default to making bad decisions. If you think about the science of this clutter, it's definitely working against you. This isn't – I really want people to take this in. This isn't about being a perfect housekeeper. This isn't about looking like a page from Pinterest. This is about creating a home that supports you. A home that makes you happy. [00:26:22] PF: And everybody has a different level of what they consider cluttered. And I have a friend who is very proud of being a maximalist. And I'm very much of a minimalist. And for her, it's not stressful. It stresses me out to go to her house, but she's great with it. Different people do have kind of like this different barometer of what they consider clutter, right? [00:26:45] TM: Of course. Yeah. And like in our house, my partner, his kids are older. I don't have kids. We're two people. But if I go into a house where there's a family of five, it's a very different amount of stuff. That's why there's no recipe for, “Oh, you should only have 30 books. And oh, you should only –” No. What works for you. But the caveat to that is, is it really working for you? [00:27:09] PF: Right? [00:27:10] TM: Is it really working for you? If you walk in your closet in the morning to get dressed, and you burst into tears, I'm going to tell you, it's not working for you. And that's another thing on the decluttering journey that I tell people, is just spend a day or two going through your house, living your life, and seeing where the log jam happens. Where are you not cooking a healthy meal because the kitchen is too cluttered? Is your bathroom full of expired makeup? And all that kind of stuff. Where's the log jam? And start there. [00:27:47] PF: That's terrific. Tracy, you have so much we can learn from you. I really am excited to tell our listeners about your book. We're going to tell them how to get your book. How to follow you on social media, because they can get all kinds of tips and great advice that way. And thank you so much for coming on the show. Because like I said, you've just got a lot that we can learn from you. [00:28:07] TM: Thank you. I love it. I love connecting with people. And I really love connecting with people who are on a happiness journey, and realizing that so much of it is in our own hands. And there are things – Look, life is hard. We just got through – I don't know if it'll ever be replicated in my lifetime what we just went through, you know? And so, the things that we can do within our power to bring ourselves and our community a little more happiness, I think we got to be both feet in. I think we got to – how can I make my world a little bit better? [00:28:45] PF: Yeah. And this is such a great way. It's simple. Not necessarily easy, but it can be done. [00:28:52] TM: Exactly. [00:28:55] PF: That was Tracy McCubbin, author of Make Space for Happiness: How to Stop Attracting Clutter and Start Magnetizing the Life You Want. If you'd like to learn more about Tracy, follow her on social media, or download a free chapter from her book, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. And until then, this is Paula Phelps reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Making Time for Kindness With Dr. Michelle Robin  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 386 of Live Happy Now. World Kindness Day is just a month away, but there's no reason not to start observing it right now. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm joined by Dr. Michelle Robin, Founder of Small Changes Big Shifts, the Big Shifts Foundation, and the 31-Day Kindness Campaign. Launched in 2019, The Kindness Campaign is a free inspirational email adventure that begins October 14th. When you sign up, you'll receive a daily email suggesting an act of kindness that you can do that day. Michelle is here today to explain why kindness is so good for our wellbeing, how the campaign came about, and what it can do for you. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:47] PF: Robin, thank you so much for coming back on Live Happy Now. [00:00:50] MR: Thank you for having me. I love the mission. [00:00:53] PF: Oh. Well, I love your mission, and it aligns so well with everything that we do at Live Happy Now. So you've got a wonderful campaign we're going to talk about, but I've got to know, why is kindness your jam? Like why is it such a hot thing for you, and how did you get so involved in it? [00:01:09] MR: Well, it's kind of a funny story. So my background’s around wellbeing. I’ve been around the space about 40 years. As I replay my life, which you tend to do the older you get, you got to kind of see where people have enriched your life. So in my second book, The E-Factor: Engage, Energize, Enrich, I really talk about getting engaged in the wellness journey, and then you have more energy. Then once you do that, you try to just enrich. So part of my mission right now is to enrich other people's lives and make an impact. As a kid, my mom was married four times. By the time I was 17, I had a little bit of sexual trauma and a little bit of alcoholism trauma, and just really didn't feel like I mattered, especially to the people that you think you should matter to. But by the grace of God or universe, there are people that came along in my life that were kind to me. You don't really see it until you can reflect older and realize what has happened and what has sustained you through some of those tough moments. But this Kindness Campaign is pretty funny. One of my friends, Ann Koontz, who's in our wellness movement in Kansas City, she's a mental health advocate. I happen to be working with her daughters when they were teenagers about 15 years ago, and she knows that I have other online programs that we do around sleep and around posture. She said, “You know what? You really need it.” You know when somebody says, “You really need to do something around kindness. You need to do a 21-day kindness program.” Paula, I don't know about you. But sometimes, it's like, “Really, you want me to do one more thing. I'm already running a practice. I'm running a movement. I do a podcast. I've got seven books.” [00:02:37] PF: Like, “Sure. Let me just tack that on to my to-do list.” [00:02:40] MR: One more thing, it happened to be the fall of 2019. Thank God that she kept insisting that I do something. She said, “I'll even help you. But we need to start it, and we need to end it on World Kindness Day with Lady Gaga’s movement.” I said, “Okay, Ann. You win.” She kind of wore me down. I believe in being kind. I'm the person that holds the doors for people. That's just kind of who I've become. Interesting enough, I talked to one of my friends, Dr. J. Dunn, and she's a genetic specialist, and she said, “Michelle, you actually have the kind gene.” Some people actually have this kind gene, which is pretty fascinating. So that was put inside of me, and then Ann kind of poke the bear. Then we know what happened in March of 2020. Thank goodness, we'd already built The Kindness Campaign. [00:03:22] PF: Let’s go back to that for a minute. When you talk about the kindness gene, one, if there's people out there saying, “Oh, crap. I don't have it,” let's talk about how they can develop this like a muscle. But what is that? What do you think that does, the kindness gene, and how does that change how you're interacting in the world versus how someone else might interact in the world? [00:03:42] MR: Yeah. We all have a genetic roadmap called the genome, and that genome has different – I like to call it divisions. So like if you were, let's say, in a Walmart or a Target, they have different divisions. They have a toy division, and they have a home goods division, and they have a food division. They may have an auto division. Well, you have these different divisions in your body that make your systems work because we're chemistry. We work because of chemistry, right? Those divisions sometimes have hiccups, whether it's in the way your liver detoxes or in the way your body – In my case, I have a vitamin D receptor defect, and so my body has trouble keeping my vitamin D up. So I have to work really hard at that. It could be where I have trouble with the thyroid genes. It could be where I have trouble with the genetics that go along with neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. I mean oxytocin. So what we have found out through the work of, especially, Dr. J Dunn, who's a chiropractor by training as well, but she specializes in kinesiology, in genetics. So there's a way to start to, in a sense, hack the genes in a positive way through chemistry, not necessarily pharmaceutical. Sometimes, that's necessary, but more through the right supplementation because those – I think about them as wheels. Those cogs in the wheels move because of chemistry, whether it's a cofactor like vitamin D or a B vitamin or B12 or B6 or magnesium or calcium or boron, whatever type of maybe nutritional supplement. For myself, personally, I got my genetic genome. The cheapest way to do it is through someplace like Ancestry. There's some places that don't give other people access because they're not owned by Big Pharma. Then I have a functional medicine doctor who practice kinesiology that will actually help test through and compare to my blood work what I can be doing. So some of us have this cup half full, and some of us have a cup half empty. If it's half empty, you got to work really hard to make it full. Paula, for me, I suffer from anxiety, and I believe after caring for people for 30 years that most people have a level of anxiety. Some people manage it through music. Some people manage it through medication. Some people manage it through alcohol. Some people manage it by maybe playing a video game. For me, I actually manage it by being a connector. That's probably one of the biggest ways I manage my anxiety is be of service for people. [00:06:06] PF: That's so interesting because your mission and kindness has been – You've created something so incredible and so big. It started with your Big Shifts Foundation. Can you talk about what that is? Then we'll get into The Kindness Campaign. [00:06:20] MR: Sure. Big Shifts Foundation is a foundation to make generational change for 30 and younger. You can say, “Michelle, why 30 and younger?” Think about a pond. If a pond has a bunch of dirty fish, you probably don't want to be fishing in that pond, right? Because you don't want toxicity. [00:06:35] PF: That's a great point. Yeah. [00:06:37] MR: So if you have a child who has autoimmune disease, anxiety, depression, maybe some cancers and allergies, how could you clean up their pond because their pond got toxed out? In our medicine, we believe people are sick because of two reasons. They're toxic or they're deficient. Toxic in, let's say, gluten. Deficient in vegetables. Toxic in hate. Deficient in love. Toxic in medications. Deficient in the right supplementations. Toxic in sitting around, being an office potato too much, versus movement. So the foundation's job is to really pour into young people, ideally, before they have babies, so we can clean up their pond. Because our parents, they did the best they could. If you really look at our parents did the best they could, but their training was by – In my case, my grandparents and my great grandparents and my great, great grandparents. Sooner or later, you go back to evolution and whatever your beliefs are. Something got messed up. Because as we talked earlier on a previous show is that we innately are pretty designed to be well. Some people come in with a few hiccups, but innately we come in. We're happy. We're cooing. We have this ability to bring smiles to some of the hardest people as a little baby, and then something changes, and what is that that changes? Is it the thoughts we were told? Is it the food we're fed? Is it that we sit on a device too long? Is it that we're not sleeping because we're scared? So the foundation's job is to pour into young people to help them realize that they were designed to be loved, and they're designed to be well. So we teach them about posture, we teach them about sleep habits, and we teach them about labs. We actually do their functional medicine. As I'm sitting here, one thing that we've not done yet, this will be our third year doing a scholarship program with them, is we've not talked about their genetics. So I'm going to add that to the program. We have a six-month discovery program where they get to go to therapy, and they get functional medicine, blood work, and they get a wide membership, and they get to get massage and acupuncture and chiropractic. We just love them. Or they get Reiki. Can you imagine being an 18 to 25-year-old? Some 18 to 30s are arranged for our scholarship program. All of a sudden, you have a bucket of money to really take care of yourself. They do they do the Hoffman weekend experiments. Experience was really how do you start to heal your heart for some of the bullying you've had done too. [00:09:01] PF: That’s so important because I've been doing some research. I just did a report on Gen Z and how different they are. This generation, more than any previous generation, is interested in mental health. They're concerned about their wellbeing. They will put their mental health above a work situation. It’s like they're not going to tolerate some of the things. I think it's such a huge generational shift. The fact that you're giving them the tools to be able to do some of these things is really going to help propel that forward. [00:09:34] MR: I think the word – When you look up the dictionary wellbeing, it means happy. I think people want to be happy, and it's hard to be happy when you have a bellyache, or you have a headache, or you are nervous of what somebody's saying about you, or you're in pain. So how do we help them really make that shift to be happy? It's a super fascinating time that these young people are forcing us to really look at mental health, and they're forcing parents to really identify and think, “You know what? I've had depression my whole life, and I've not sought help for it.” So it's time. There are so many tools to living your best life that don't cost a lot of money. Of course, some do. But there's a lot that don't. Being kind is one that doesn't cost a lot of money, getting sleep. But how do you do – I mean, I understand that some people don't feel safe enough to sleep. So how do we try to address that? But for the average person, at least in America, we can put down our device. We just don't. [00:10:27] PF: Yeah. Right. We’re connecting. [00:10:28] MR: So there's all those little things that we can do to try to help ourselves, and that's what we're on a mission to do. We're on a mission to reach a billion people that the small changes they can do can lead to big shifts in their life and that our foundation, Big Shifts Foundation, ultimately, is really how do we help 30 and younger, not that we don't want to help the people that are older. I mean, this campaign is for everybody. But we do know that if we change a person before they have kids, they change their genetic makeup for the future generations, and it's going to take 2.5 generations to change what we're in right now. We can do it inch by inch, wellness is a cinch. [00:11:03] PF: I love that. Absolutely love that. So let's talk about The Kindness Campaign. 31 days and it's not a challenge. Tell us why it's a campaign, not a challenge. [00:11:12] MR: Yeah. So one of our friends here in Kansas City came to me. One of our corporate clients said, “Okay, Michelle. We've talked about building rhythm and resilience through this whole thing called COVID.” I know resilience is kind of a buzzword for people, but the word I was hearing when this came on like COVID, and I've heard before, even when I had a bad accent is, “Michelle, you got to develop a rhythm or consistency so that you can have resilience.” To me, resilience – I know a lot of people are super resilient, but it's hard to be resilient when you are dehydrated. It's hard to be resilient when you are having irritable bowel syndrome and just like I talked about being happy. So they came to me and said, “Michelle, you know, we're at August of 2020. We know mental health is at all time high right now. What do you think we should do?” Who wants to hear how to not to have anxiety? That doesn't sound like a great class to go to, right? Not that we all don't need it, but I said, “Well, you know what? We have this Kindness Campaign.” In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, “That Ann hounded me about doing it.” “Why don't we do that?” They said, “Yes. But we don't want it 21 days. We want it 31 days.” They actually made that call because we used to do our online programs for 21 days. They said, “Because we are in this nasty 2020 election cycle,” like we're in a nasty 2022 election cycle and the 2023 and 2024, probably, they wanted to overlap that. But I wanted to end on World Kindness Day. That's important to me. [00:12:27] PF: I love that. [00:12:28] MR: So that's what we did, and they helped us take it around the world. We just have grown it, and another company helped us take it last year around the world. Then we went on a listing tour to some of the schools, and they said to my team, they said, “You know what? We love what you're doing. But can you make it more specific for kids? Because kids are really suffering.” They said, “Can you not only make it? But can you make us a curriculum for the whole year?” We said, “What we can do this year is we can make a specific deck. So we have seven kindness acts for elementary, seven for middle and seven for high school. Then we have the 31-day deck and campaign for anybody who wants to do that. So we said okay. So we thought, “Well, wait a minute. This fits with our foundation's mission.” The reason why it started is that's why once again and kind of kicked it off. Then some other corporations got behind us. Now, we have 11 sponsors. [00:13:24] PF: So tell me how this works. People sign up, and then what happens? [00:13:28] MR: Go to bigshifts.org, bigshifts.org\kindness, and you can just sign up right there. Then all of a sudden, on October 14th, you're going to get an email that says, “Hey, Paula. Thanks for joining us. Here's what this is about.” We have this fun thing that my team – I've got a great creative team, Desiree and Zach. They said, “You know what? Why don't we give people an opportunity to kind of keep track of which ones make them feel the best?” Because I believe we all have medicine inside of us, that the creator put medicine in me that says, “Michelle, you're able to be a connector.” Paula, it may say that you have a singing voice. I don't have a singing voice. Or you have a writing voice, right. So you're a good writer. I personally am not a great writer. I have great ideas and thoughts. But sometimes, I forget even how to spell the – So that's not my skill set. But I do believe that once we start practicing these acts of kindness, that we’ll realize, “Well, wait a minute. I am really great at this act,” and that we start to realize that's one of our secret sauce. That's some of the magic that makes us who we are in the medicine. So you're going to get an email every day for 31 days. That's going to say, “Hey, here's an act of goodness today.” If it feels right to you, execute it. Why we called it a campaign is people were already challenged. We don't want people to be challenged more. We want them to be inspired that they can not only shift their lives but they can shoot somebody else's. [00:14:49] PF: I love that. So what are some examples of the kind of acts of kindness that’ll get recommended? [00:14:54] MR: Well, it could be smile at somebody. [00:14:55] PF: That’s an easy one. We can do that. [00:14:57] MR: That's an easy. It’s easy. It could be to wave at somebody in the car next to you. We all have on our forehead an MFI, make me feel important, and we just want to want to know we matter. Last year, we got a chance to talk to the YOU Matter team, which was fabulous. This gal actually had signs in her car that she had put on boards, and she had pulled them up. “Hey, nice smile,” or, “Nice color of car,” whatever that would be. Or, “You matter.” It could be that you write a note to a friend, maybe a snail mail or a card. It could be where you send a text to somebody and say, “Hey, I'm thinking of you.” So many little tiny things, and I'm excited to see what people love, and I want to hear new ideas, so we can continue to always freshen up the content. [00:15:38] PF: I love that. So you're a health practitioner. So what is it that you see about kindness that is so crucial to our overall wellbeing? [00:15:48] MR: That is a wonderful question. I want to tell you, I would not have known that answer four years ago. [00:15:53] PF: Really? [00:15:53] MR: I would not have known it. I mean, I would have intuitively known it was good for you. But I would not have known the science behind it, probably much like the work you do with Live Happy Now, you find out the science. This is a soft skill. But this is a soft, soft skill that the research and the science proves is beneficial. So the science shows that by doing kindness to yourself, for yourself, or your pets. I’m a dog person too. I know you are too. Or somebody else, it changes your neurotransmitters. We talked about neurotransmitters just a little bit, but you've got the oxytocin which is what helps you feel like you belong. We do know that people are disconnected more than ever, and they don't feel like they matter, and they're lonely. So people want to matter, and they want to feel like they belong. Then it also – You've got the serotonin and the dopamine that'll give you some motivation and also just help your brain think more positive. So kindness actually shifts those brain chemistry. It is a natural drug to shift your mental health, and it's one of the greatest tools you can use. [00:16:54] PF: Let’s talk about what's going on in our brain when we start practicing kindness. What is that – How is that changing the way that we think? [00:17:03] MR: Well, you think about a couple things. You think about there's something in the brain called the amygdala, and the amygdala helps control the anxiety control centers in the adrenal glands. If you're able to help down regulate that, so instead of kind of – You know when you have caffeine, and you've had nothing else, and you've had maybe three cups of caffeine too much, and you're jittery, and you're kind of on edge. So kindness kind of takes that down a notch. [00:17:26] PF: Then as we start practicing it, how does it then become part of our daily being? Because it is kind of – You and I have talked about this. It's not – I wouldn't say it's addictive, but it does become a pattern if you do it consistently. [00:17:41] MR: I think people start to pay attention. Once again, sometimes it's harder for young brains to get that. Under 25-year-olds, they don't see the patterns yet. But as you get more age, you get more wisdom, and you start to see the patterns, happiness and kindness, if you start to just practice those tools on a regular basis. Sometimes, people forget. I have moments where I forget. I wouldn't say I had days I forget. But sometimes, I get tripped up maybe to an old pattern of some of those negative thinking that we all have. The committee that gets tripped up and you're like, “Gosh, where did I go from there?” I can almost pinpoint the minute where I'll be like, “Michelle, at 10:00 AM, you were fine. And at 10: 20, you weren't fine. What happened between 10:00 and 10:20 AM? Did you forget to eat today? Did you get a phone call that you're processing, and you're thinking it's the end of the world?” So I believe for myself that the more I practice this lifestyle. To me, kindness is a lifestyle. [00:18:38] PF: I like that. Yeah. [00:18:38] MR: Eating vegetables is a lifestyle. Moving is a lifestyle. Listening to positive music is a lifestyle. Reading affirmations is a lifestyle. So when you practice this lifestyle, you have more life in you to share with the world. [00:18:53] PF: Then how do we remind ourselves even after the campaign ends? How do we kind of remind ourselves to make this part of our daily routine? [00:19:01] MR: Well, it could be you printed off a few of the ones that you absolutely love that really spoke to you. Once again, I believe we all have medicine inside of us, and that is what was planted inside your soul for you to find. That is your gift for the world. I don't know what it is, and I hope that people will find something in this campaign that they say, “Oh, wow. That is it. That is what gives me juice and gives me jazz.” So you might post it. We’re seeing each other live by camera right now, and other people are listening to us. But I'm looking to my right, and I know you probably see me look to my right occasionally. I have a board over here to my right in my studio, and it says, “Thank God for this moment.” Underneath it, I have some affirmations, but I also have some of my people in my community that have poured into me. So when you say, “What's my why,” this kind of can be, “I am just pouring it back to the world.” Because people have cared enough to pour it into Michelle Robin, this young woman who, to be totally transparent, is living the best life she could have ever imagined because people poured into me. I wasn't meant to succeed. I wasn't – I grew up poor. I grew up abused like a lot of people. For some reason, I'm sitting, and I have a home, I have a car, I have my health, and I've got community. It doesn't get much better than that. So I think that if you start to plant stuff around you to remind you, “Oh, you know what? Today's the day or this moment I could choose another way to be.” I could be grumpy at that person who pulled out in front of me, or I can bless them. I could send them love. That's – I think it just becomes who you are, almost moment to moment. [00:20:38] PF: I love that. Thank you so much for all the work that you're doing and for sitting down with me today and talking about it. [00:20:45] MR: Well, thank you for getting behind the movement. Like I said, I love what Live Happy stands for, Live Happy Now. I love following your show. You have brought on some really insightful guests through the last 380-some episodes. That – [00:20:58] PF: Yeah. Number 386 right here. [00:21:01] MR: The last 386 episodes. It matters, and you just don't know what a person's life is tuning in today that’s going, “Wow,” that maybe make a different decision, and maybe it's to stay alive. [00:21:12] PF: That’s terrific. Thank you again. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:21:18] PF: That was Dr. Michelle Robin, talking about the 31-Day Kindness Campaign. If you'd like to learn more about Michelle, sign up for The Kindness Campaign, or follow Michelle on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Discover Live Happy’s Halloween Happy Acts  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 385 of Live Happy Now. Now that it’s October, it’s time to start looking at how to make this a truly happy Halloween. I’m your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I’m joined by Deborah Heisz, CEO, and co-founder of Live Happy, and Casey Johnson, our ecommerce marketing manager to talk about our all-new Halloween Happy Acts Campaign. If you’ve been with us for a while, you already know that every March, we encourage wellbeing with a month of intentional activities that we call happy acts. This year, we’re combining happy acts with our favorite holiday to create an entire month of happiness while celebrating the spirit of Halloween. Let’s hear what it’s all about. [INTERVIEW]   [00:00:45] PF: Deb and Casey, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [00:00:48] DH: It’s such a pleasure to be here. As usual, always excited to get on a podcast, Paula. I know we have a lot of fun stuff going on. [00:00:55] PF: This one, I’m particularly excited about because Halloween is my favorite time of year. I absolutely love Halloween. When Casey told me about the Halloween happy acts, I got super-duper excited about it. I guess the first thing we need to do is talk about what happy acts are. Since Deb, you’re pretty much the originator of the happy act, why don’t you tell us what happy act is and where those came from? [00:01:19] DH: I’d love to. But also, everybody, say hi to Casey. Casey, say hi.   [00:01:23] CJ: Hi, guys. [00:01:25] DH: She has come up with some great ideas for Halloween happy acts.   [00:01:28] PF: Oh my gosh! Yes.   [00:01:28] DH: I am excited to have extended it out of the month of March, which is when we typically do happy acts. Because they really should be an all-year thing. They shouldn’t be confined to March where the International Day of Happiness is, but of course, putting some attention on it and doing it at that time of year, we get a lot more coverage, we get a lot more people participating. Because it’s something you can hang your hat on and say okay, “In March, I’m going to make sure I’ll up my happy acts game. But doing it in Halloween is great because like you, it’s one of my favorite times of the year, one of the happiest things for me at Halloween is Halloween specials for whatever reason. All the shows that just run specials that are Halloween themed, I think back to Roseanne when it was on in my childhood and how the family got dressed up in elaborate costumes every year. It was just a lot of fun. One of my happiest times a year and I’m an October baby.   [00:02:20] PF: Oh, you really.   [00:02:21] DH: Yes, and my mother’s an October baby, and my older daughter and I actually share a birthday in October. So October is like my month, it’s great. [00:02:28] PF: That is the month. It’s like the whole month off to celebrate. [00:02:33] DH: I think it really works that way, but you asked me what happy acts are. Happy acts are little things that you can do or big things. But things you can do intentionally with intention to make the world a happier place. It’s as simple as, you always hear about the pay it forward, buy somebody a cup of coffee when you’re in the Starbucks line or something like that. But it’s also donating a book to a library, reading to your kids’ class, it’s checking on a neighbor, it’s making a phone call to someone you haven’t talked to in a long time, it’s sending a thank you note because you know how big I am on gratitude. [00:03:10] PF: It comes up once or twice. [00:03:11] DH: It has a few times, but it’s sending a thank you note to someone for making a difference in your life. It’s something that you’re doing actively and intentionally to help make the world a happier place. It doesn’t have to be for a person either. It could be picking up litter, it could be donating time at a pet shelter. It doesn’t have to be anything massive or significant. In fact, we do the happy acts walls in March. That’s where we put up walls, challenging people to commit to doing a happy act. We do a lot of them in schools, because kids come up with things like, “I’m going to smile more. I’m going to eat my vegetables my mom tells me to.” Whatever it is, but it can be something simple. But the point here is that, you’re doing with intention, you know that you’re doing it. It’s not just, “Oh, I held the door open for somebody and I didn’t give it a thought because I always hold the door open for somebody.” Doing something with intention to make the world a happier place, because we know the science says that whoever you’re doing whatever it is for is likely to feel happy. It’s likely – we always say happy, but what we mean is likely to feel grateful or have an elevated sense of well-being. But the reality is that you are going to have a greater sense of well-being by doing happy acts, doing things with intention, with positive intention really does affect your overall mood, you overall – how you perceive the world. All of those things are improved when you do happy acts. That’s what happy acts are. [00:04:38] PF: And they’re a wonderful thing. Then when Casey said, “Hey, we’re going to do Halloween happy acts.” I remember that call because I was like, “I love this idea.” Casey, I mean, that was such a great idea. What made you want to tailor these happy acts tradition to our Halloween? [00:04:38] CJ: Yeah. So kind of like what Deb was saying earlier. Happy acts aren’t just for March and International Day of Happiness on March 20. We encourage people to practice happy acts all year round. Halloween and Christmas, I read this earlier, I heard it somewhere, someone defined them as like gimme holidays. Getting rather than giving. I just thought it would be a good chance to kind of practice maybe some like reverse trick or treating and tie in some happy acts to that month. [00:05:27] PF: I love I, because, as I said, you’ve done such a great job of coming up with happy acts. There are times when you’ll send out, “Hey, these are happy acts. This is what we’re going to do.” I’m like, “Wow, how do we –” like the fact that you can come up with so many new things each time, that always impresses and amazes me. How did you come up with, here’s how we can celebrate it for Halloween? [00:05:47] CJ: Well, thank you. First of all, it’s definitely a team effort. It’s not just all me. But yeah, you know, just Halloween happy acts, there’s so much you can do to spread kindness in October and still kind of celebrate that spooky holiday. Though, I guess I’ll just kind of jump into some of our Halloween happy acts. [00:06:02] PF: Yeah. Tell us what we’re going to do.   [00:06:04] CJ: So we’re kind of thinking of making it a competition, right? We want to spread the love. The plan is to highlight a different happy act every week. If people want to participate, they can tag us in a post, a reel, a story, as long as they tag us of them performing a Halloween happy act of the week, or they can get creative, and it’s not our Halloween happy act of the week, and they’re still out there spreading kindness that works as well. But so, I’ll just kick it off. So week one, we encourage people to donate blood. Deb and I actually went and donated blood together, which was amazing. Week two, trick or treat with UNICEF. Every year, UNICEF, they encourage people to kind of do that reverse trick or treating, donate candy to people in need, who don’t have the luxury of being able to go trick or treating. Week three, paint a pumpkin, we always encourage people in March to paint positivity on rocks. In October, we’re encouraging people to paint pumpkins. On week four, we’re encouraging people to wrap someone in love. So basically, give someone a big old bear hug. Or if you’re someone who doesn’t like hugs or like to be touched, you can – [00:07:15] PF: Are you talking about me now?   [00:07:17] CJ: Of course not. [00:07:18] DH: She might be, Paula. She might be.   [00:07:20] CJ: I might be. Wink wink.   [00:07:22] DH: No, I’m just kidding.   [00:07:24] CJ: But yeah, so I mean, not everyone likes to be touched and that’s okay. You can wrap yourself in like a warm blanket, or we’ve also got some awesome Live Happy hoodies on the Live Happy store, and they’ll make you feel nice and cozy. [00:07:37] DH: Shameless plug there, but they do. They’re awesome. [00:07:41] CJ: I’ve got like two Live Happy hoodies. They’re my favorite. Then week five, so that’s the actual week of Halloween, so we’re kind of going big that week. We’re going to have two Halloween happy acts. The first one is to bake a healthy treat for your class or office. I’m kind of thinking of baking like some pumpkin muffins, or some zucchini bread for our office.   [00:08:02] DH: Let me know what day. I’ll make sure I’m there. [00:08:02] PF: I can fly in. [00:08:07] CJ: I’ll make sure you guys are in the office. Paula, I’ll send you some zucchini bread or pumpkin muffins.   [00:08:11] PF: All right. Okay. That’s a good deal.   [00:08:14] CJ: Then on Halloween, we encourage people to create a Halloween card for your neighbor. So like maybe like –   [00:08:21] PF: I like that.   [00:08:22] CJ: – picture of a Halloween pan or just something, spread the love. [00:08:25] PF: Yeah, I like that a lot. Because especially making a card, or doing something, or even painting a pumpkin, and giving it to them, giving it to a neighbor. I think that’s so important right now, because I feel like we’re still a little bit disconnected from each other. We talked about getting back to normal, but it still feels disconnected in so many ways. I think these are great ways. Go ahead. [00:08:46] DH: No, you know, you’re talking about that getting back to normal. But if you think back, before what we’re all talking about how we didn’t know our neighbors, maybe we are back to normal, and we just realized that we didn’t know them anyway. I bring that up, because it’s not just getting back to normal, it is a proactive activity or asking somebody to do. It’s not just being in your comfort zone, it’s reaching out just a little bit to somebody that you wouldn’t ordinarily be having contact with, and helping them have a happier day or a happier Halloween. I love the idea of the reverse trick or treating with UNICEF. These are all things that are super easy to do. I love them. Thank you, Casey.   [00:09:25] CJ: Of course. [00:09:26] PF: Yeah, they’re fun. Then, how are we going to turn this into a challenge? [00:09:31] CJ: So, it’s kind of like our gratitude challenge if any of our listeners remember when we did that a few years ago. Say week one, you donate blood, post a picture, video, whatever on your story, tag us and also, tag a friend and encourage them to keep the momentum going. [00:09:49] PF: I like that a lot. Because really, that’s the way we’ve seen that with other challenges, where that’s really what makes it take off. People were like, “Hey, I just didn’t think about doing that.” I think that’s what’s so wonderful about the happy acts. It’s not that we don’t want to do them, we just didn’t think about it until someone says, “Hey, this is a great idea” and then they start – next thing you know, you’ve got a movement. [00:10:09] CJ: Exactly, or a new Halloween tradition. [00:10:11] DH: Yeah. Well, and the guinea holidays are something I’d never heard of before. I’m glad that you brought that up, but you’re right. I think that’s especially true of kids. They really look forward to Halloween, and they look forward to Christmas, based on the gimme, right? And you can even throw Valentine’s Day in there. I think it’s important to involve your kids in something like this. I mean, certainly, if I painted a pumpkin, it might look like my 10-year-old did it. But I could actually –   [00:10:35] CJ: No one has to know that.   [00:10:37] DH: I could actually –actually, in this particular case, but my next to her, she’s quite artistic. You’d probably think I painted hers and vice versa. But I mean, involve your children, and teach them as well. But giving back to others, or doing things for others, or taking the time to do something to make the world a happier place is worthwhile and not just a march. [00:10:57] PF: Yeah. How does this kind of set us up for the holiday season? Because I do like the fact that so oftentimes, we kind of rush through October. Well, not this group, because we love October. But many people kind of rush through October so they can get to the start of the holiday season, which starts now apparently. the day after Halloween. But how can we kind of shift our thinking, because of the way we’re approaching October, and maybe even approach the holidays differently? [00:11:25] CJ: I just think a bit more of as – so Halloween, Christmas, it’s all about kind of like what we touched on earlier, it’s about getting, so it’s – this shifts your mindset into – okay, rather than getting, I’m going to give back. [00:11:40] DH: Well, we spend a lot of Thanksgiving. Thank giving, right? It’s the, you should be thankful this day, whether you are or not holiday. [00:11:51] PF: Sorry, if you’re having a bad year, find something to be thankful for. [00:11:54] DH: There is always something to be thankful for. We talked about that a lot. But you know, you go into Thanksgiving with the, “I’m going to be around some of my relatives, I don’t want to be thankful for them.” But others I’m wonderfully thankful for. I just think that setting up the concept that life isn’t about getting something, and your happiness isn’t about getting something. Very rarely will a gift truly change your life. You can ask my kids what they got last year for Christmas, I guarantee you, they probably don’t remember. Every now and then, you’ll get that life changing, “You know, I got my first 10-speed bicycle on my 12th birthday kind of gifts.” But it’s not, it’s not usually about getting, but giving and creating positive relationships, and being a larger part of the community, and doing things that are within your control to make the world a happier place, and frankly give you greater positive well-being is something kicking out off in October is great. Because as we all know, and we all read every year, the holidays are some of the most times a year when people are most depressed. I think starting that in October, and leading into it and remembering to be thankful for Thanksgiving, and for the month of November, and right into the holidays. You might see some marketing from Live Happy during that timeframe about being thankful and giving.   [00:13:09] PF: It’s possible.   [00:13:11] DH: Because it’s thanks giving. It’s not thanks taking, right?   [00:13:17] PF: I like that.   [00:13:16] DH: I should do some stuff on that. But I think it sets us up in the right mindset and the right frame of mind for the rest of the year, where we’re doing something positive every month. We don’t have to wait all year for that. [00:13:28] PF: Oh, there we go. We can start doing happy acts every month. [00:13:30] DH: Well, you know, you can. In fact, I want you to do them every day. But as marketing campaigns go for those of us who’ve got degrees in marketing, it’s better if you coalesce everything around a particular time of year. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want people doing happy acts every day, it doesn’t mean we don’t do happy acts every day. It simply means that we just run a really large advertising campaign to get people involved in March. So now we’re doing the same in October, but it’s something you do every day. I think it’s a good reminder, particularly this time of year where the weather starts changing and people start feeling more isolated, to just get out in front of that and start a little bit early this year. [00:14:10] PF: I like that. Casey, how are they going to know about the campaign, and how are they going to know what to do, and how to keep up with what’s going on? [00:14:17] CJ: So we will be sharing each happy act on our social channels. So if you’re not following us, make sure to hit that follow button. We’ll also be sending out an email that highlights each of the happy acts and how you can participate and join in on the challenge. Excellent. [00:14:37] PF: What do both of you, each of you want to see out of this? What would make you just go, “Wow! I’m so glad we did it because –”? [00:14:43] DH: I’d love to see a lot of social engagement. I want to see a lot of people flagging Live Happy, and discovering the content that’s on there, and hash tagging, and liking us, and sharing what they’re doing. But you know, it really is about – I want to see people actively doing something. I want to see hundreds of pumpkin pictures, painted pumpkin pictures. Because the reality is, it doesn’t matter how many people you involve, how many people you touch, just knowing that some people are making a difference, and it’s making a difference in some people’s lives is really the most rewarding thing for me. Running into somebody and having them share some of their experience, which does happen is just a phenomenal, humbling experience for me. I think everybody who works at Live Happy know that while we’re talking into a computer screen, what we’re saying, or putting on a computer screen eventually has a positive impact in the world. So for me, I just want to see activity, I wanted people out there doing stuff.   [00:15:42] PF: I like it.   [00:15:43] DH: Tag us, tag me. By the way, I’m the only Deborah Heisz on Facebook or probably in the universe. You can find me; I promise on Facebook or Instagram. Tag me. I’d love to see it.   [00:15:58] PF: That’s cool. That’s cool. How about you, Casey? What do you really hope for this because you’ve kind of masterminded this campaign? [00:16:04] CJ: My hope, and Deb and I, we were kind of talking about this a few weeks ago. I just want to see people being assets to their community, whether it’s donating blood, painting a pumpkin, donating their candy to a food shelter, or like a senior living home, no happy act, big or small. It makes a huge difference. [00:16:25] PF: Yeah. What if people come up with their own happy acts. Can they call it a happy act? The #halloweenhappyacts? [00:16:32] CJ: Absolutely. Yes. So I mean, we’re only highlighting about five or six happy acts that we can do in October. But there are so many that people can go out and do their own. So like donating candy to a food shelter. I don’t think we have that on our list. Donating Halloween costumes. There are kids out there who can’t afford Halloween costumes. So donating materials or just old costumes, that makes a huge difference in kids’ lives. [00:16:57] PF: That’s great. I saw one thing where there’s a group, and they do this anyway, they paint rocks, and it’s like abandoned rocks, they call it. They paint them, and then they go around, and they put them in neighborhoods, and they have positive messages on them. I saw that they were doing that for Halloween. They’re painting a bunch of stones, like orange, and black, like pumpkins, and then putting a positive message on the back, and sharing them. I thought that would be cool. But again, I fear that I paint even not as well as Deb, so I shouldn’t be doing that. Well, thank you guys both so much for coming on and talking about this. I’m really excited to see this happen. I know it’ll get bigger each year and we’ll keep it going. But thanks again for making it happen and then come in and telling me about it. [00:17:41] DH: Well, thanks for being the hostess with the mostest, as usual. [00:17:46] PF: Thank you. [00:17:49] CJ: Thank you, Paula. Happy Halloween everyone. [00:17:51] PF: Oh yeah, Happy Halloween. [00:17:53] DH: Happy Halloween. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:17:57] PF: That was Live Happy’s own Deborah Heisz and Casey Johnson, talking about our all-new Halloween Happy Acts Campaign. If you’d like to learn more, you can follow Live Happy on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube, or visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. While you’re on the website, why not pop into the Live Happy store and checkout are brand spanking new, Choose Happy tote bag. This cool and useful bag is great for work and play. Oh, what the heck, it can even double as a trick or treat bag. Check it out in the new merch section at store.livehappy.com That is all we have time for today. We’ll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Discovering Your Fall Yoga Practice With Kassandra Reinhardt  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 384 of Live Happy Now. Now that we've officially entered fall, it's a great time to turn inward. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week I'm talking with author and yoga instructor Kassandra Reinhardt, whose Yoga with Kassandra YouTube channel has attracted more than 1.9 million subscribers and amassed more than 190 million views. Wow. That's because Kassandra is on a mission to help people connect with themselves through yoga in whatever way most appeals to them. With her new book, Year of Yoga: Rituals for Every Day and Every Season, she helps experienced and novice yogis alike move through the seasons, using affirmations and intentions that coincide with the time of the year. Let's hear more. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:50] PF: Kassandra, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:53] KR: Thank you so much for having me. [00:00:55] PF: Well, it's Yoga Month, and you're such a great evangelist for yoga. So I want to hear a little bit about your backstory. Like, first of all, why are you so passionate about sharing it with others? [00:01:06] KR: Well, it's good question. I kind of just stumbled into it. I came from the world of dance. That's really what I did growing up. That was my big passion. I love doing ballet and all of that. When I was about, I think, around 18 or 19 years old, someone recommended to me, a friend recommended, maybe I should try a yoga class. I had never been to one before. Even though I was dancing a lot, I was actually not very flexible. That's always been something I've struggled with. So they thought, “Try yoga. Maybe you'll get more flexible.” I went and I thought it was okay, like I had a good time. It was nice, but I didn't fall in love with it or anything right away. But I guess there must have been something to it because I kept going to classes irregularly. After doing it for, I don't know, maybe three to six months into it, I found a style of yoga that I really liked, and I found a teacher I really resonated with. Then that's really when I started to really dive deep into the practice and fall in love with it and really recognize everything that it had to offer. Of course, at that time, I wasn't even thinking about being a yoga teacher. That would come quite further down the line. I really loved how it gave me a way to move my body. But it was also much deeper than that. It gave me a real sense of spiritual connection, a great way to connect to my mental health, emotional health. A few years later, I decided to get certified, and I really didn't hesitate. I was always eager to teach, always eager to get out there and spread the word. Yeah. Here I am many, many years. [00:02:50] PF: You’re spreading it on our grand scale. [00:02:53] KR: Yes, yes. [00:02:55] PF: There's so many different reasons that people get into yoga. Some people want to be more flexible, like you talk about. Some want to get in touch with their spirituality. Some just want a better butt. So how do you meet each person where they're at on their journey? Then, okay, two-part question, how do you meet them where they're at and then do those other components? Say you're going into it for one thing. Are those other components going to enter into that practice, even though you're not seeking them? [00:03:21] KR: Yeah. I mean, I think people will take what they need, and they'll leave the rest. As is the case with a lot of other healing modalities and even just forms of movement or anything that has to do with the wellness space, not everything is going to resonate with everyone. That's the same for me even. Although I'm a teacher of yoga, I am, first and foremost, a student of yoga. That means that I will connect with some teachings and with others not so much. I will resonate with some instructors and others not quite. So I just tried to teach in a way that is authentic to me, without trying to be someone that I'm not. I do try to meet them where they're at, in the sense that I'm not too heavily focused on one aspect more than the other. I really like to give people the opportunity to find things out for themselves. I think yoga is a really beautiful practice of deep inner connection and has great potential for personal transformation. [00:04:20] PF: Sometimes, it's just a case of after you've received one gift from yoga, and you then just keep opening that door a little bit wider and wider. [00:04:28] KR: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. [00:04:31] PF: So you incorporate breathing and meditation into your teaching, which is just phenomenal. How important have you found that to be as part of your yoga practice? Because we know not everyone does. How important is that to you? [00:04:45] KR: I found that it has varied throughout my life. Like there are certain phases and seasons of my life where I am relying primarily, I would say, on my meditation practice and physical poses. The asana kind of falls off to the side. Alternatively, there will be other seasons of my life where I need the physical movement more than I need the stillness of meditation. Breath work also enters the mix, where there are some times where it feels like it is all I can do and also all that I need. So I try to be very flexible and to meet myself where I am and to really honor what it is that I need at this time. There's a lot to be said about discipline and about simply committing to structure. But I find that if I get too narrowly focused on discipline, I end up just putting pressure and expectation on myself. It completely sucks the joy out of the practice, and it kind of negates the purpose of the practice. In practice, I’m try to connect with myself. I'm trying to feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. So that means that some days, I need something that tomorrow I'll need something completely different. So it really, really varies for me. It really does. But I mean, the great thing about breath work is like it's impossible to do anything without breathing so – [00:06:13] PF: I think that’s true. [00:06:14] KR: Hard to avoid. Whether you like it or not, you will have to be mindful of the way that you breathe when you are moving on your yoga mat. There's really no way to avoid it. It is the pathway to being present in the now and to really tuning in with how you're feeling. So thankfully, that one is pretty constant. [00:06:34] PF: You've got the basics down. You just know how – [00:06:36] KR: Right. [00:06:37] PF: You've been doing this. So you also have created this incredible library on YouTube, and you have so many resources for people. They can start really anywhere they want to start. How do you recommend that they go about finding something that's going to work for them? [00:06:55] KR: Yoga is tricky, especially in this day and age, because it can mean so many different things. This is also one of the great gifts of yoga is that there are so many styles of yoga and so many teachers who are presenting the practice with their own personality, their own perspective and lived experience. So this can actually make it a little bit hard for people because maybe you went to a local studio, you tried a yoga class, and you didn't like it. You might, “Well, yoga just isn't for me.” But actually, it might just be that that teacher is not for you or that particular style of yoga is not the right fit for what you need at this time. We are lucky that we have a lot of free resources online with sites like YouTube where I primarily teach. So for people who are interested in the practice but maybe find it a little bit daunting or maybe they've tried it before and for some reason or another it just didn't really click, I think you can use the Internet to your advantage by trying a variety of classes online and maybe just try a 20-minute yoga class. You don't need to commit to these huge 90-minute practices starting out. You really need to try it out. I mean, even for me, like I said, when I started by practicing, I didn't fall in love with it. It took me a good six months of experimenting with different styles and different teachers before I really found the connection that has now guided me 14 years later. So if people can be just a little bit patient and really tap into their curiosity, they might be pleasantly surprised with what they find. [00:08:42] PF: Yeah. One thing that we've been talking about a lot on the show lately is how stressed and anxious people are feeling right now because anxiety is such high level. So let's talk about how yoga can be used to help with emotional healing, how it can help people who are feeling stressed. [00:09:00] KR: Yeah, for sure. So I primarily practice and teach two different styles of yoga. One is called Vinyasa yoga, and the other is called Yin yoga. Vinyasa is a little bit more dynamic in its essence. So physically, you're going to be moving in and out of poses, flowing them with your breath. It's a more activating style of yoga, a beautiful, beautiful practice, can be a little bit more energizing in nature. Then I also practice and teach the style called Yin Yoga. As someone who has spent a long time suffering from anxiety or living with anxiety, as well as insomnia, Yin yoga was really that pivotal point in my life that really things started to click, and this is where yoga became more than just a physical practice for me, and it really shifted things. So Yin yoga is a passive style of yoga where we hold poses for an extended period of time. So you are primarily either sitting or lying down. You're not using any strength or any effort, and you're holding poses for three to five minutes. So it's wonderful for your joints, for your ligaments, connective tissues. Great for flexibility. But more than anything, there is a great challenge that comes with just doing the same thing for three to five minutes. [00:10:24] PF: Oh, my gosh. Yeah. [00:10:26] KR: It's tough. Like it is tough. People think, “Oh, I'm just going to be laying down. I'm just going to be sitting, easy-peasy.” No. I mean, maybe for some it will be. But for me, it was an extremely triggering and confronting style. But it is exactly what I needed. I found that as an anxious person, I always felt like, “Oh, I'll feel better if I go for a run, if I do a really big workout, if I tire myself out with like this power yoga class or Vinyasa yoga class.” But really, all I was doing was exhausting myself. I wasn't actually processing anything because it was a lot easier for me to stay distracted by just kind of flinging my body back and forth to one another, whereas with Yin yoga, there's nowhere to go but in. As you're in a yoga pose for an extended period of time, you're slowly releasing physical tension from your body, and this makes it a lot easier to access emotional and mental tension that you might have been holding on to. So it's not uncommon for people who practice in yoga to have some kind of emotional release, and this can be feelings of anger. This can be feelings of sadness. They might burst into laughter. It's very common if it happens. You're totally fine. It's very normal, and it's normal if you don't experience any of that. But for me, when it came to stress and anxiety, Yin practices where I had no choice but to slow down and to really face myself in a really profound and deep way, that's where I found the most amount of healing. [00:12:09] PF: Sometimes, you might not know what it is that's coming out. It's just an emotion. [00:12:14] KR: That's right. Yeah, that's right. [00:12:16] PF: Because I remember I had an instructor once who talked about when she was taking her training, and they would teach that the camel pose is a very vulnerable position, and people often get emotional during that. She was like, “I've never had that experience.” So she was actually teaching a class one time and has no idea what came over her but just burst into tears and – [00:12:36] KR: That's exactly right. Yeah. [00:12:37] PF: Yeah. So it's like, yeah, people do need to know that you might not even know what it's about. You're healing something. [00:12:46] KR: That insight might come to you later on maybe as you're leaving the studio, maybe a few days, a few weeks, a few years later. You'll start to piece things together. But sometimes, it's really just there's something stuck and something about the way that you were giving yourself permission to slow down, to feel, to tune in, to check in, allowed for this emotional release to happen. So there can be a little bit of pressure, I think, also around emotional releases. I've heard students who say, “Well, I've never experienced anything like that. Is something wrong with me?” You’re not. If you've never cried in a yoga class, like don't worry. That's totally fine. You don't have to have some big experience for your experience to be valid. I just like to talk about it because I think it can take people – It can catch them off guard if it happens, if you're finding yourself just struggling, and you don't know what the heck is going on. It happens. Because of language, we separate things a lot. I have my physical health. I have my mental health. I have my emotional health. We have these labels that keep them separated. But really, it's all like this one big soup of who you are. [00:13:56] PF: Exactly. Yeah. The wonder of this journey is you just keep unwinding and unpeeling the onion, getting to that next layer. With yoga, you can just keep going deeper. [00:14:07] KR: Absolutely. It's never done. You're never ever done. I will always be a student of yoga before I am a teacher. [00:14:13] PF: Let's talk about how people can learn to incorporate yoga into their daily lives. Because as you said, it doesn't have to be this 90-minute experience. How do we make time for it, and how do we work it in? [00:14:25] KR: Yeah, absolutely. Listen. For some people, if the really long sessions are you know what gets you motivated and help you stay consistent, that's absolutely wonderful. If you're someone who maybe has a hard time committing to something, I prefer a bite-sized approached. Again, I enjoy discipline. I have to have a very careful relationship with it because if I'm too rigid, then I put pressure and expectation on myself. Then it leaves room for shame, judgment, and guilt to enter, and I don't want that. You want your yoga practice to be something that is meaningful to you, and that can, hopefully, bring you a sense of peace and introspection and healing. So I am a big fan of recommending to people, use the Internet. The Internet is your friend right now. You can start with just a 10-minute morning yoga class and see how you feel. There's something really beautiful about taking just a little bit of time to yourself in the morning to not only check in physically with how your body's feeling and what you think you're going to need to be comfortable throughout your day and to be energized. But beyond that, there's something really powerful with actually taking a few minutes to ask yourself, “What do I want out of this day? What is important to me? What is my intention today?” So a lot of people know me for my 10-minute morning yoga classes, and I think that's wonderful. The one thing that I stress the most in those classes is that we set an intention for the day ahead, just by choosing one word. We really don't need to reinvent the wheel or to complicate our lives more than they already are. It's very simple. You can move and breathe and be very mindful for 10 minutes. By the end of that time, that we've flowed together, really taking a second to ask yourself, “What is my one-word intention for the day? How do I want to feel?” Especially if you're someone who spends a lot of your day caring for others, having a high output, really tending outwards, it's nice if you can at least have a little bit of moment to just have a little bit of time to just remember that you are your own person and like you are the one who has to live through this life. Like what is it that you want to do? It’s so simple. 10 minutes a day, every day, you'd be surprised how much you can actually do and how big of an impact it can actually have on your life. [00:17:01] PF: I wanted to ask you about the setting intention because what kind of a difference does it make when you go into a practice setting an intention and go through your day then that way, versus when you just do your 10 minutes, 15 minutes of yoga? [00:17:16] KR: Oh, man. I can remember when I was teaching at a studio class. Studio classes, for the most part, they're usually like 60 minutes. So I'd be teaching this group of people for an hour long. By the time we're in shavasana, we're doing our closing meditation, everyone looks so connected and so at peace. Then I'd see them rush off. [00:17:41] PF: Yeah. Okay, that’s – [00:17:42] KR: In the locker room. It would take 10 seconds for the mood to shift and for them to already be back. They're in traffic. They're honking their car. You know, honking their car. It’s like, “What have we been practicing for? Like how can we take this beautiful work that we've done on a yoga mat? How can we take it out into the world?” That’s a big conversation. That's a big topic. That's big in scope. So I was like, an intention is one way that we can actually begin that process of like, okay, all this work that you've done on your yoga mat, like don't leave it when you close the door and get impatient at the checkout line. So I was like, just choose an intention. For me, that was the simplest way to get people to say like, “Listen, it's not over. I want your goal to continue throughout the day. This is not a yoga practice. This is not something that is confined to the four corners of your mat. It shows the way that you show up in the world. How do you treat others? How do you treat yourself? How do you stay mindful and present, even when things are totally chaotic and out of your control?” So that was always – I would kind of just want to bang my head against the wall. I was like, “No, you were so calm 10 minutes ago. What happened?” [00:19:04] PF: That’s so true. Yeah, yeah. That's very true. You have a book, Year of Yoga, and this is so great for people who want to implement yoga into a daily practice. Can you tell us what that book is about and what we can gain from it? [00:19:19] KR: Yeah, absolutely. So the book is called Year of Yoga, and we've separated it into the four seasons. So it's meant to be a book that you can carry through with you throughout the year, throughout the many years of your life as a way to help you connect and align your practice and yourself with the natural rhythms, with nature's rhythms. This is a way that I like to practice, in the same way that I like to do a more energizing practice in the morning and something more restorative at night, the same way that I like to have something more energizing around the full moon and whereas the time of the New Moon is a time of slow and introspection. The same kind of applies with the seasons for me. I find a lot of healing and a lot of connection by doing it in this way. It’s also like this really beautiful permission slip that reminds us that not every day, every week, every month, every year is meant to be this crazy, abundant, energetic, productive output time. We need these periods of rest, these periods of stillness in order to fill our cups and really show up and begin the cycle again. So Year of Yoga for me was a way to like give people that permission slip to be like, “It's okay if you're doing things a little slower, if you're moving a little slower, and it's okay if you want to make the most of this vibrant energy that you have.” So we separated it into the four seasons. Within the book, there are like five yoga sequences per season, as well as a meditation. There are some affirmations and a whole bunch of other goodies that can really help support you into really figuring out how best you can align your yoga practice with the natural rhythms around us. [00:21:17] PF: That's excellent. Now, as we move into fall, what sequences and what affirmations should we be focusing on? [00:21:24] KR: So fall symbolically and thematically is associated with letting go. So if you think about it, fall is the time where the trees are shedding their leaves. They're letting go of what no longer serves them in order to prepare for a period of deep rest so that they may begin and renew once more in the spring and bloom in the summer. So fall, we're really dealing with asking ourselves, what is actually important to me and what is just weighing me down? What is time for me to drop, to let go of so that I can focus on the essence and really refine? A lot of us, I think, do maybe set New Year's intentions or New Year's goals. Or we'll really like craft and dream up of what it is that we want around the time of New Year's. I always find that around September or October. It’s kind of go time. I'm really like, “Okay, where am I at? What is actually important to me, and what's just fluff? What is just excess?” So in terms of like practices, I tend to do a lot of hip openers because, again, I'm focusing on releasing tension from my body, releasing what no longer serves me, and trying to cultivate a little bit of a sense of balance. I mean, I love affirmations. I've always been a deep lover of affirmations. I was such a big fan of Louise Hay. She passed not long ago, but I've always admired her. So if I'm just thinking now like affirmations that I would use for fall, it might be I am good enough exactly as I am. Or I easily handle whatever comes my way. I release all worries. Tomorrow is a new day. Or I release all physical, emotional, and mental tension. That could be a really great one. [00:23:27] PF: That is excellent. People have so much going on right now, and just having that kind of guidance to take us into the fall is such a great perspective. I really appreciate you sitting down with us today. We're going to tell the listeners how they can find you, learn more about you, find your Year of Yoga book. But as we let you go, what is the one thing that you really hope everyone takes away from listening to you today? [00:23:50] KR: That yoga does not have to be complicated or overly strenuous to be effective. [00:23:58] PF: Very good. Kassandra, thank you again for sharing your time and your wisdom with us today. [00:24:03] KR: Thank you so much for having me. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:24:09] PF: That was author and yoga instructor, Kassandra Reinhardt, talking about how we can use yoga as we move into the fall season. If you'd like to learn more about Kassandra, follow her on YouTube or discover her books, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Right now, in the Live Happy Store, we are promoting happy reading. I'd like to invite you to visit us at store.livehappy.com and check out our popular book, Live Happy: Ten Practices for Choosing Joy. It is a great way to learn about some of our favorite practices and make them your own. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Easing Separation Anxiety in Pets With Brittany Derrenbacher  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 382 of Live Happy Now. As we all settle into our post-summer routine, there are certain family members that sometimes get overlooked. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm welcoming back therapist Brittany Derrenbacher, a certified grief and pet loss specialist, founder of the special needs animal rescue, Luna Bell’s Moonbows, and owner of Sunshine Healing and Empowerment in Louisville, Kentucky. Brittany is here to talk about how the end of summer changing routine can affect our furry family members, and she has several tips on what you can do to decrease their anxiety, make mornings more enjoyable for everyone in the home, and ease your pet’s stress of being left home alone. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:48] PF: Brittany, thank you for coming back on Live Happy Now. [00:00:51] BD: Yeah. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be back. [00:00:54] PF: We have been talking so much about back to school on the show, and this came out of a conversation you and I had because we talk about all these aspects how parents can take care of themselves, how they can take care of their children better. One thing that often gets overlooked is pets. Can you talk about how pets can be affected during this time of year as we go back to school, and there's so much change going on? [00:01:16] BD: Absolutely. I think in order for us to have this conversation, we have to address something pretty important first, and that's that our animals have feelings, right? [00:01:29] PF: Right. [00:01:30] BD: Our animals can grieve. Our animals can have anxiety due to separation and routine change, just as humans do. I think like oftentimes, humans, we kind of feel like we own the copyrights to love and to grief, right? [00:01:45] PF: All the feelings. We get all of it. [00:01:46] BD: Yeah, yeah. But these emotions are so widespread among animals, and there's plenty of research now proving that animals experience joy, that they experience love, fear, despair, grief. Daily, we're learning more and more about their fascinating cognitive abilities, their emotional capacities. So we're not alone in this. So I think this discussion is really cool, and it's also kind of beautiful to consider that, right? That we're not alone in this. But kind of circling back to your question and really diving into the topic, I really think that this is a new conversation that's being talked about. So I love that you want to address it, and I think the back to work shift during COVID really brought up a lot of questions for pet owners. Like how does this affect our animals? What happens when we leave and go back to work? Specifically, back to school time, for a lot of people, this year is like physically being back in school, right? It's making that shift from virtual to going back to the classroom. So our animals go from this sudden switch from these like long summer days, just playing with their humans, doing what they love most, being outside to being in an empty home for the day. That's a really super tough adjustment. I think like, for us, it's difficult, right? So consider our pets, who are so reliant upon that routine and spending those days outside and doing all the things with their human siblings and maybe their fur siblings, and having all of this extended family time. Then literally, with no preparation, like it just ends, right? [00:03:27] PF: Yeah. That’s the difference because we know it's coming, and we can kind of mentally, emotionally steel ourselves for what's ahead. But for our pets, it's just like one day, they're there. Then now, they're gone. [00:03:39] BD: Yeah. It’s confusing, and it's scary. [00:03:41] PF: So what happens then as that occurs? What do you see happening to our pets, and how does it affect them? [00:03:48] BD: So I think the biggest effect that happens with them is anxiety and depression. A lot of that is considering how that affects us as humans. So changing chaos, our nervous system really goes into overload, right? So we kind of go through this process of being like, “Hey, what's happening here? We're not used to this.” Our animals are also going through the same thing. It makes sense, right? That they're anxious, that they're sad, that they're confused. So when our pets have this normal routine of spending their day, doing all their things with their family, and then that constant stimulation is gone, that's when the stress and the anxiety kind of kicks in because their nervous system is just confused. [00:04:32] PF: Right. They can't talk it out like we can. [00:04:34] BD: Yeah. [00:04:35] PF: It’s not just our absence. It's also our morning routines change. Everything gets more rushed. It's more hectic. People are anxious, sometimes yelling, and that's affecting them too, right? [00:04:46] BD: Right. That goes back to the nervous system point too, is when your routine changes to something that's hectic, that's rushed, or maybe you're just overlooked altogether, right? That's normal. It's not intentional. But sometimes, our animals are overlooked in that process. That really sends a message to them that, “Okay, things are different. This is scary. So I feel fear now.” That sends their nervous system into overdrive, which can then lead to all the behavior changes that we see. [00:05:20] PF: Yeah. So what kind of behavior changes do you start seeing as a result of this? [00:05:23] BD: Yeah, absolutely. I will say that while this affects all of our pets in different ways, I think the most important ones to point out, our senior dogs and our high energy dogs. Those are like the two populations that are most at high risk for those behavior changes. I think, again, like drawing upon that comparison between our animals and humans, for senior dogs, just like humans, as we age, we become less malleable, less open to change. Maybe a little bit resistant there. So oftentimes, you see that huge shift in behaviors and maybe even physical symptoms, right? So that kind of lethargy, just an overall like mood of sadness, maybe confusion or withdraw. So that's some normal stuff that you'll see with senior dogs. Then something that I see in rescue work a lot, where families return high energy dogs due to lack of time, and this is really sad because we both know that this is not due to the fault of the pet, right? To the dog. [00:06:23] PF: Right, right. That's like locking up a kid because they're hyperactive. It's like – [00:06:27] BD: Exactly, yeah. But basically, humans get busy, and some may tend to spend less time with their pets, and less time with your dogs means less time for walks and for play. This can have a huge impact on a higher energy dog that's like super reliant upon that outlet, right? To get all of that anxiety out, to get their excitement out. So it's pretty normal that that leads to a buildup of both excitement and frustration for the dog. That's where you see like the shift in the behaviors that can lead to roughhousing, rough play. Maybe like the mouthing bites on the hands to get your attention or biting your pants or jumping up and trying to get your attention or being destructive in the home. But I think the next biggest sign in that that goes along with a lot of those behaviors is that separation anxiety. [00:07:18] PF: Yeah, and that's a big one. That's one that brought us together because, as you well know, my dog, Josie, was originally in your care and was rescued from a breeder and has tremendous separation anxiety. Something that, as much as we worked with her, you worked with her first, and then I've had her now for three years, and it's not going to completely go away. It’s just become something we have to manage and have to live with in so many ways. Like just you know this is a problem, and it's going to go on. Yeah. Talk about how separation anxiety affects the animal, and then really what the owner needs to be looking for. [00:07:59] BD: I'm really glad that you brought Josie up because I think that it's helpful for not only just pet owners in general to hear about that. But I think for folks that have adopted animals in rescue because I think that separation anxiety is something a lot of rescue animals struggle with, especially those with a history of abandonment, breeder dogs, trauma, abuse, or just being passed around through multiple owners. So even with a solid and safe routine, like you're saying, in their new forever home or in their foster home, this can still be an ongoing issue. But basically, separation anxiety comes from our attachment to others. So this is also something that's like very fluid between humans and animals that we can experience, and that can be characterized by symptoms of extreme sometimes anxiety and distress in our pets. So for dogs, this can look like digging and scratching to escape, like that intense desire to just flee, right? Vocalization, destructive chewing, a lot of times regression in potty training, which again is like something that a lot of times we see dogs returned and rescue for is that regression and potty training. Then in cats, separation anxiety can look similar, but cats tend to do a lot of the shaking, more withdrawal, hiding, like very much a fear response in cats that kind of they tend to seclude themselves. They get a loss of appetite. They get upset stomach. So some of these are probably symptoms that you've experienced with Josie along the way. [00:09:35] PF: Yeah. There's like a – You keep the towel by the door because you just know, okay, if I walk down to get the mail by myself, it's going to be a problem, so yeah. I'm glad that you brought up cats because we tend to think, “Oh, cats are independent. Cats are fine.” I've talked with people who get really surprised that their cat responds poorly to being left alone. Can you talk about that? I guess maybe that’s kind of a myth that we have. [00:10:02] BD: Yeah. I think we have a lot of myths about cats, right? That’s – [00:10:06] PF: They're not evil, and they don't steal our [inaudible 00:10:07]. [00:10:07] BD: Right. Cats get overlooked in our discussion about animals a lot, and I'm guilty of it. I mean, I've been on this podcast before and kind of reminded myself like, “Oh, we need to talk about cats, too. It's not just about dogs.” But, yeah, cats, I mean, they're also our best friends and our companions. So it makes perfect sense that they're going to experience some form of grief and confusion when we leave them. They're relying upon us, even though they may want us to think that they're not. [00:10:37] PF: That they're in charge. [00:10:38] BD: Yes. Right. [00:10:41] PF: So what are things that we can do first as families to start working with our pets? Obviously, by now, we're back to school. This routine has started. People are probably already starting to see some of the things that you brought up. So what are some practices that families can adopt to make this easier for everyone? [00:11:02] BD: I think, first, we have to admit that perhaps we do some overlooking, right? I don't think that we do this deliberately. We get busy. We get into autopilot. Our whole family does, and we can forget to be intentional in everyday life. I love talking about intentionality, especially with our animals, because I think it's so important. So I really like to approach this as we know that this is going to be hard for everyone involved. Learning a new routine sucks, quite frankly. [00:11:35] PF: And we've gotten really comfortable over the summer. Especially the last two years, it's like, “I don't need to wear pants.” [00:11:41] BD: Exactly. So just getting dressed and leaving the house is hard. Yeah. So let's make a plan, right? Let's attack this with what works best for our family. Also, let's make this exciting. So for the family, intentionality can look like brainstorming training methods. It can look like baby steps into the new routine. So that can mean like working on the brakes that your pet is going to be home alone and really kind of tiptoeing into that and ways to make our animals feel special and feel safe, using positive reinforcement training and then also teaching a new routine to them. So that can involve taking our pets to do carpool. I don't want to say all our dogs because some dogs do have anxiety getting in cars. But most dogs would love the opportunity to be able to take part in that, walking our dogs to the bus stop to pick up the kids. Really – [00:12:34] PF: Does that help too in the sense that they see – Do they start equating like, “Okay. Now, he's getting on the bus,” and, “Oh, good. Here comes the bus.”? Because we see all these great videos where the dog is like waiting, waiting. The bus door opens, and they just go crazy. So can that kind of add this value to that time of the day? [00:12:51] BD: Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, really allowing them to take part and understand that when their humans leave, they're always going to come back. So you're spot on with that. It's that reliability and that excitement build up. They are able to build those neural pathways that, “Okay. When my human leaves, this yellow bus is going to pull up at the end of the day, and they're going to get off, and I get to like cheer them on as they run down the stairs.” It becomes a game. So think about this in regards to the mailman or the UPS guy when they pull up or the UPS person. They know that my dog specifically and maybe yours know that a package is coming, and they get so excited and pumped to meet the person at the door. So we can teach those sounds and sensory things through bus pickups and carpools as well. It's not just – Our dogs smart. So allowing them to participate in activities is a huge reward to them. [00:13:43] PF: And it makes the greeting better for your child as well. Because I know I would have been thrilled to have my dog instead of my mom greet me, right? [00:13:51] BD: Yeah. [00:13:52] PF: Yes. [00:13:53] BD: Yeah. I used to have a cat when I was younger. His name was Scribbles, and he would walk me to my friend's house. He would hang out outside until I was done, and then he would walk me home. I have such a core memory of that. So, yeah, I think that's so cool for kids. [00:14:08] PF: Yeah, because that can reset a bad day, if you're greeted with his unconditional love the minute you leave your school environment. I love that. I love that. So what about the mornings? I'm sure that’s a lot of where pets get overlooked and forgotten and become more anxious because of the rush nature of it. So how can people restructure their mornings so that it is a good time for everyone, and the pet does get some time? [00:14:35] BD: I love to challenge us to like really think about things in regards to ourselves. So how unfair would that be if every morning, we woke up and we were denied our coffee, right? [00:14:48] PF: Oh, no. [00:14:50] BD: Not happening. [00:14:50] PF: Homicides have happened for less. [00:14:52] BD: Yeah. So for our dogs, to deny them their walk in the morning is so unfair. So my biggest advice is walks and walks and more walks in the morning. Establishing that morning routine where, yes, you may have to wake up a little bit earlier, but really connecting with your pets and leaving the home and taking them to do what they love most. So when I think about what I love to do most in the morning, that's to have my moment of peace with my coffee before I can attempt doing anything. Well, the same for our dogs and their walks. Maybe for our cats, it's just sitting down with them in the morning and like spending time with them or letting them engage in whatever activity excites them. So giving them that moment of connection, that one-on-one connection in the morning. Then I think, also, leaving the home, the physical home, is something that we need to do with intentionality. So don't elongate the goodbye. I think that's, again, where we tend to make mistakes when we're leaving is that we kind of elongate the experience like, “You're okay. Everything's fine. I'm going to walk out really slowly.” This causes stress in our animals. [00:16:00] PF: They’re like, “Leave, go.” [00:16:02] BD: Like this is too much. This is taking too long. Because we have to remember that our animals are deeply intuitive, and they're picking up on all of those emotional cues from us. So it's important to stay calm and to not make a big deal out of our exits when we're leaving. It signals to our pets that our departure is safe and that they can count on us to return. [00:16:23] PF: What are some things that we can leave behind for them to do during the day that can help ease their anxiety? [00:16:30] BD: There are so many options out there, and I feel like we have explored a lot of them here in our home, just by virtue of having had so many personalities in the house through rescue and then our personal pets, so just knowing that there is literally an option for everything. The first thing and the easiest thing that you can do is offer them a puzzle toy or a Kong either stuffed with peanut butter or cheese, whatever they like before you walk out the door. Get them busy, get them excited about something, and then leave. This past week, we actually got a back to school BarkBox in the mail for the dogs, and that was really fun. It was full of all these interactive toys, and the dogs just love getting that. They know when that box comes. They know that those toys are for them, and they've been good boys and good girls. So there's like this whole ordeal about it. Then also, they have like boxes that are specifically for aggressive chewers out there. Shout out to all my Boston Terrier moms. Get this box. So that's something that's just very simple that you can do. Another thing that you can do is leave a sound machine on playing white noise or relaxing music. You can also get fun with it and like make a playlist for your pet, right? Something soothing. There are so many playlists available out there on everything; Apple, Spotify, YouTube. [00:17:47] PF: Yeah. I know Archie, my previous dog, who also came through Boston Terrier Rescue of East Tennessee, shout out, had horrible anxiety as well. Because of him, I have on my Spotify account, an 11-hour playlist called Archie's calming playlist, and it's – I went through. I curated it, specifically music designed for dogs. It’s helpful. It's very helpful. So that's what I do when I've got to leave Josie and Rocco behind. They're in their crate, and I put on that playlist and hope for the best. [00:18:17] BD: I love that because there's intentionality in that too and meaning in that playlist. So that makes it even more beautiful. Something cool that we've done over the years is that our sound machine has like a rain thunderstorm option. So we've always played that, and we kind of realized over time that it actually desensitized everyone in the house to storms. [00:18:38] PF: Oh, I need to get that. I need that. [00:18:41] BD: They aren't fearful of storms at all. In fact, they'll sleep straight through them. Anytime it does storm, I mean, it's almost like immediately they go to sleep. So it does have like more benefits than just playing it in the background. I think that sound and kind of drowning out any stressful sounds in the background is what the goal is, and that’s really what we're trying to do. There's also dog TV options. There's literal channels that are devoted, or you can just put on Animal Planet. But some animals love that. Then I think if we want to get more in depth here for like the folks that really are gone for eight hours a day, some pet parents are able to come home, walk their pets, have lunch at home, do a check in with their animal, and leave. Some aren't. So what's available to them, and I'm a huge proponent of this, is doggy daycare and dog walkers. There's an app for everything, right? There is an app for dog walking. There are so many doggy daycares now that literally specialize in kind of like a carpool drop off process for your dogs. So this can help because folks can come to your home. They can walk your dog, or you can drop your dog off at daycare. They can play with their friends, and then they can come home. But I think thinking about going back to those senior dogs and the high energy dogs, the dogs with anxiety, having someone come and let them out and take them for a walk, give them treats, give them attention, this can have a huge impact on their day in a positive way. [00:20:07] PF: Let’s talk – That's going to make their whole experience better. It's going to give you peace of mind. How’s it going to affect when you come home? What's the difference between coming home to a dog who's either been in daycare or who has been walking already versus coming home to one that's been alone for eight, nine hours? [00:20:24] BD: Yeah. They're able to blow off energy. They're able to have a resource and an outlet for their anxiety. All of that's able to get out. Think about how you are and you're just having to sit in your office chair for eight hours a day. Yeah. So when you're done, I mean, there's kind of like this moment of just like, “Oh.” So it's the same thing for our animals. Getting to have that outlet and have that human connection, be able to get some energy out and blow steam, that's going to change your greeting when you get home. Maybe you're greeted to a happy, tired dog, versus a dog that wants to jump all over you and just run all over the place and be destructive. Again, that's not the animal's fault. This is what's going to happen. This is why I think it's so important to have this conversation and create a plan because this is kind of like the unavoidable thing that happens when we have to leave our pets. So let's set them up for success by doing all of these things for them. [00:21:19] PF: One thing that sometimes seems counterintuitive because it's like, “Well, get a second dog,” and it's like, “That's more work.” Yes, but it's also a huge payoff, if you can get your pet a companion. Can you talk about the importance of that and what to think about? [00:21:37] BD: Yeah. I think having a companion, a friend for your pet, takes the pressure off of you a little bit. But also, it makes it to where their interactions are endless with that friend. It also gives them that companion to feel safe and to feel comfort in. Sometimes, for a highly anxious dog, to get a companion for them that is not anxious, to be able to pull those cues from them and say, “Oh, okay. I don't need to be nervous right now. I don't need to be scared right now because you're cool.” So that also teaches them that it's okay to be calm. [00:22:16] PF: If you can't get another dog, if you don't feel like you're in a position where I can afford, I want to get a second dog, you can even do a coop thing. Like we – When I lived in my apartment in Nashville, we had a neighbor, and she would bring her dogs over, or she would hang out over there. It’s like our own little daycare pod to help ease their loneliness during the day. [00:22:36] BD: I love that. That just goes back to the opportunities, and the options here really are endless. It just takes a little bit of intentionality on our part to look into that and to try to create that safety net for our pets that does set them up for success. It also sets us up for success in our relationships with them and in our overall happiness and that bond that we have with our pets. I think it just helps all of that. [00:23:01] PF: Absolutely. So how's it going to change things if we can kind of get this under control and make our pet’s time alone a happy time? What's that going to do for our overall household? [00:23:13] BD: I think everyone involved is going to be happier. I think maintaining that human animal bond is essentially not just for our pets, but it's for our happiness, too. So it's kind of that return, right? We pour into them, and what they get back to us is endless. So I like to think of that as a very collaborative happiness model, right? [00:23:34] PF: Yeah, that's terrific. So what would be like your number one piece of advice, the number one thing to take away from this? People are getting back into their routines and want to make sure that their pet is having the best experience, and their whole house is having a great experience. What's the one thing you hope they remember? [00:23:51] BD: Is to not forget about their animals in this. Don't forget about their feelings because their feelings matter in this, and they are just as affected by the back to school, the back to work rush as we are. So just to have some intentionality and like kind of that reminder that we need to take their feelings into accountability when we're making the shift. [00:24:13] PF: I love it. Brittany, thank you so much. You always have so much great insight on the animal kingdom, and I appreciate you coming back and talking about it. [00:24:21] BD: Thank you so much. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:24:26] PF: That was therapist Brittany Derrenbacher, talking about how to ease our pet’s stress as we head back to school and back to work. If you'd like to learn more about Brittany and the work she's doing, or follow her on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Now that we're back in school, we're just a few weeks away from World Teachers’ Day on October 5th. If you want to show your appreciation for a special teacher or maybe just earn a few brownie points, we've got you covered. We have an entire section in the Live Happy Store dedicated to teacher gifts, and you can check them out when you visit store.livehappy.com/teacher-gifts. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]