Kids playing at recess

Grown-Ups Need Recess, Too

"Miss Joyce, Miss Joyce, what are we going to play today?"A hand tugs at the side of my T-shirt. It's a first grader—one who always joins in the games I organize at my child’s elementary school during recess. This particular girl is a little bit awkward and seems left out of the social whirl. These are typically my most loyal game-players: the kids who need a little help connecting. My own daughter Violet was one of these kids, last year. This year, things are better.I started volunteering at the school three years ago, when Violet would come home crying, saying that no one would play with her at recess. I thought if I were there I could help her, and maybe some of the other less-well-adjusted kids, play together and enjoy their recess instead of moping alone and feeling left out.But I didn't expect the experience to affect me so much. Author, psychiatrist and National Institute for Play founder Stuart Brown has spent decades studying the importance of play in adults' lives; he writes in his book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul that playtime is as important as oxygen: "it's all around us, yet goes mostly unnoticed or unappreciated until it is missing."Stuart's research has found that play is essential for early childhood development, and in adults can help regulate emotions, ease stress and possibly even enhance immune system function. Yet with the average U.S. adult spending 11 hours a day engaged with digital mediaaccording to 2014 Nielsen research, that leaves precious little free time for Red Light, Green Light or Duck, Duck, Goose, games that regularly leave me laughing and panting when I play them with the kids at school.The first-grade girl slips her small hand into mine as her eyes turn up to me trustingly. Her eyes are so big and gentle. They touch the same part of my brain that squeals over internet cat videos and fat baby knees. She loves me! I must be doing something right."Hmmmm," I say back to her, the word rising and falling like a sigh. I make a stagy thinking face next to the table of first graders, now all looking at me expectantly. "What are we going to play today?" I waggle my eyebrows mysteriously."Talk to your table and you all come up with an idea together," I tell her. As I walk away, I hear the sweet, slightly awkward girl start to buzz with her table-mates, planning what they'll tell me.Great! I've given her a reason to relate to her classmates; maybe this success will build on itself and add to her sense of social competence. Sometimes all the awkward kids need is something in common with the others. If they talk to classmates at lunch, they're more likely to join in a game with them on the play yard. I'm helping!Back at the first grade table at recess, I ask what they want to play. "Parachute!" they yell in unison. The kids love playing with the parachute; they help spread it into a big, bright, rainbow-striped circle. There is room for everyone, and no one who wants to play has to be left out."Okaaaaay!" I call, drawing the word out with rollercoaster-y zip. We all start walking in a circle. "Do you think we can go a little bit faster?" They obediently speed up to a trot, laughing. "Faster?" Our feet are pounding the pavement now, round and round, and I'm laughing so hard I can barely say "STOP!” Everyone's giggling and out of breath.“Whew, I need a rest! Should we make a big tent?” Nods and grins. “Okay, you know what to do.” We hold our hands down close to the ground. “One, two, three!” All the hands lift a billowing mushroom cloud into the air as we all duck under and sit on the edge. It's dark. The parachute is settling so slowly that we have a darkly colorful cave all to ourselves.“Does anyone know any ghost stories?” one bold boy asks. He gets in trouble a lot in class, I hear. But out here, at recess, he's always laughing.No one seems to know any ghost stories, so I suggest we try to sing like opera singers instead: “Ooooooooaaaaaaaah!” I trill, in what I imagine might be an aria on a planet where the opera singers aren't very good. They sing back to me and to each other, as the parachute falls softly onto our singing heads.At this point, I’m not sure who is having more fun, the kids or me.Joyce Slaton writes, cooks and sews in San Francisco, California. She reviews baby products, and writes blogs about her parenting experiences for BabyCenter.com.
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Women and men in a fun dance class

More Fun, More Fitness

I nearly skipped my exercise class the other day. No real reason—I wasn’t ill, my workout clothes weren’t in the laundry, I wasn’t trapped in one of those three-hour windows during which the cable guy might show up. I was just a little cranky, and antsy about a looming deadline. It was freezing outside—a cruel slip of the mercury after a sundress-and-sandal-worthy weekend. Going AWOL from my workout meant I could spend the morning working in the toasty warmth of my house, feeling productive, cozy, content.Except I knew I would be anything but content if I blew off class. I wouldn’t feel guilty about neglecting my cardio health, or worry that skipping a workout would be a death sentence for my waistline. I doubted my frugal self would fret about the fact that I’d already paid. It just so happens that this particular exercise class—a hip-hop dance class that I take three times a week—is also one of the richest sources of happiness in my life.The un-hedonic treadmillNow, if you consider your fitness routine to be a chore, a bore, (or worse—it hurts, you hate it), you may find it hard to understand how I could derive flat-out elation from muscle-challenging, sweat-inducing physical exertion. Cynics may even sniff, “Of course you feel good after class: It’s the endorphins, stupid.” True, plenty of research shows that exercise triggers the release of mood-lifting brain chemicals. I feel pretty darn good after a workout with a trainer, too, even though I wince every time he makes me do something like hop from side-to-side over a block of wood. But the effect on my mood, both during and after, doesn’t come close to my beloved dance class.My emotions are affected in a vastly different way by the two mainstays of my fitness regimen: One leaves me feeling good afterwards, even if I don’t always enjoy it; the other has me pumped from the minute I step onto the floor until hours later, when I crank up whatever song we’re working on and dance it out in the kitchen (causing my kids to run screaming from the room!). I wondered what it is about hip-hop that brings me such glee, and how those things might be helpful for anyone in search of fitness bliss. Here’s what I came up with:The fun factorI’ve always gravitated toward dance-y activities: ballet in college; in my twenties, an addictive aerobics class on the Upper West side of Manhattan that had me prancing around in Reeboks and leg-warmers like a Rockette; highly choreographed step classes after having my first kid. I’m not alone: Zumba is the largest fitness brand in the world, according to BusinessInsider.com. WERQ (dance workouts that, like Zumba, are taught by certified pros) are popping up in health clubs and other fitness facilities nationwide. (There’s even a class in Manhattan that teaches Beyonce routines!)Studies have found that when you find an activity enjoyable, you’re more likely to commit to it, so the fact that I straight-up love moving to music has lots to do with my commitment to hip-hop. “The first thing I talk about with women who want to start an exercise program is finding something they want to do,” says Jennifer Huberty, Ph.D., an associate professor of exercise and wellness at Arizona State University and founder of FitMinded, a woman’s book club designed to promote physical activity. “I suggest approaching it like speed-dating: Try as many things as you can until you find something that clicks.”My hip-hop familyI’ve been in class with many of the same people for five years. We have a Facebook page, meet up for drinks, swap recipes and send flowers when a member loses a loved one. Looking forward to seeing folks I’ve grown fond of definitely motivates me. “Social support is a key facilitator of physical activity,” agrees Huberty. That doesn’t mean your exercise mates need to be your best friends. Even if you’re in a room full of strangers, you can draw on their energy and enthusiasm. You may even get a better workout, depending on who you sweat with: A recent study published in the Journal of Social Sciences found that when people exercised with someone they considered more fit than themselves, they worked harder.An amazing teacherMy class wouldn’t exist without our teacher, Angel Williams. Angel’s approach to teaching is to treat us like professional dancers rehearsing for a big performance. Her verbal flair and ability to evoke mental images helps us understand how we should move our bodies. And finally, she has an incredibly compelling personal story: Angel was seriously overweight when she began teaching hip-hop at our local YMCA in 2004; in that time she’s overcome a lot of prejudice about her size, has gone from a size 26 to a 10 (and is fast approaching her 6-to-8 goal), and is now in business for herself. Because Angel inspires us so much, we want to do our best for her. If you’re into group exercise, an instructor who inspires and entertains can definitely make the workout more enjoyable.It’s empowering In class, Angel demands that we check our everyday identities and inhibitions at the door, and forget that we have desk jobs and families, problems and responsibilities. It’s a liberating mindset. I’m thrilled to find that I can make my body move in ways that I would never have thought possible. As a white mom of four living in the suburbs, I hardly have a natural knack for urban dance! It’s an exhilarating accomplishment to master the intricate choreography that Angel dreams up. My friend Deb summed it up perfectly: “It’s like therapy. On the dance floor I’m no longer a mom, a wife, a creative director—I’m a woman. I can appreciate and challenge my body rather than nitpick and notice the flaws. I don’t even notice it’s exercise—it’s joy, power, sexuality, childhood, anger, freedom, storytelling. The fact that it’s a damn good workout is secondary.”
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Teenager rolling her eyes, parents in background

Overparenting Anonymous

I’ve written these steps to provide encouragement to well-intentioned, devoted, loving, intelligent parents who feel powerless to stop themselves from overindulging, overprotecting, and overscheduling their children. Parents who get jittery if their offspring aren’t performing at a high level in every area. And parents who have unwittingly allowed traits like self-reliance, resilience, accountability and a spirit of adventure to slip to the bottom of their parenting priority list.1. Don’t confuse a snapshot taken today with the epic movie of your child’s life.Kids go through phases. Glorious ones and alarming ones.2. Don’t fret over or try to fix what’s not broken.Accept your child’s nature even if he’s shy, stubborn, moody, or not great at math.3. Look at anything up close and you’ll see the flaws.Consider it perfectly normal if you like your child’s friends better than you like your child.4. Work up the courage to say a simple “no.”Don’t try to reach consensus every time.5. Encourage your child to play or spend time outside using all five senses in the three-dimensional world.How come only troubled rich kids get to go to the wilderness these days? Send your kids to camp for the longest stretch of time you can afford. Enjoy nature together as a family.6. Don’t mistake children’s wants with their needs.Don’t fall for a smooth talker’s line about the urgent need for a cell phone “in case of an emergency, Mom!” or a new car “because it’s so much safer than your old van.” Privileges are not entitlements.7. Remember that kids are hardy perennials, not hothouse flowers.Let them be cold, wet, or hungry for more than a second and they’ll appreciate the chance to be warm, dry, and fed.8. Abstain from taking the role of Sherpa, butler, crabby concierge, secret police, short order cook, or lady’s maid. Your child is hard-wired for competence. Let them do things for themselves.9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, preach, or over-explain, say to yourself “W.A.I.T.” or “Why am I talking?”Listen four times more than you talk.10.Remember that disappointments are necessary preparation for adult life.When your child doesn’t get invited to a friend’s birthday party, make the team, or get a big part in the play, stay calm. Without these experiences she’ll be ill-equipped for the real world.11.Be alert but not automatically alarmed.Question yourself. Stop and reflect: Is this situation unsafe or just uncomfortable for my child? Is it an emergency or a new challenge?12.Learn to love the words “trial” and “error.”Let your child make mistakes before going off to college. Grant freedom based on demonstrated responsibility and accountability, not what all the other kids are doing.13.Don’t be surprised or discouraged when your big kid has a babyish tantrum or meltdown.Don’t confuse sophistication with maturity. Setbacks naturally set them back. They set us back too, but we can have a margarita.14.Allow your child to do things that scare you.Don’t mistake vulnerability for fragility. If you want her to grow increasingly independent and self-confident, let her get her learner’s permit when she comes of age; don’t offer a nuanced critique of her best friend or crush.15.Don’t take it personally if your teenager treats you badly.Judge his character not on the consistency of in-house politeness, clarity of speech, or degree of eye contact but on what teachers say, whether he’s welcomed by his friends’ parents, and his manners towards his grandparents, the neighbors, salespeople and servers in restaurants.16.Don’t automatically allow your child to quit.When she lobbies passionately against continuing an activity or program that “isn’t how I thought it would be!” it’s tempting to exhaust yourself selling him on the benefits. Instead remind yourself that first impressions are not always enduring; that a commitment to a team or group is honorable; and that your investment (of time and/or money) is not to be taken for granted. But do take her reasoned preferences into account when making future plans.17.Refrain from trying to be popular with your children just because your parents weren’t as attuned to your emotional needs as you might have wished.Watch out for the common parental pattern ofnice, nice, nice…furious!18.Avoid the humblebrag parent lest you begin to believe that your child is already losing the race.Remind yourself that kids’ grades, popularity or varsity ranking are not a measure of your worth as a parent (nor theirs as people). Recognize that those other parents are lying.19.Wait at least 24 hours before shooting off an indignant email to a teacher, coach, or the parent of a mean classmate. Don’t be a “drunk texter.”Sleep on it.20.Consider the long-term consequences of finding workarounds for the “no-candy-in-camp-care-packages” rule.If you demonstrate that rules are made to be broken and shortcuts can always be found, you have given your child license to plagiarize or cheat on tests.21.Maintain perspective about school and college choices. Parents caught up in the admissions arms race forget that the qualities of the student rather than the perceived status of the school are the best predictor of a good outcome.22.Treat teachers like the experts and allies they are.Give your child the chance to learn respect. It’s as important a lesson as Algebra 2. Remember how life-changing a good relationship with a teacher can be.23.Praise the process and not the product.Appreciating your child’s persistence and hard work reinforces the skills and habits that lead to success far more than applauding everyday achievements or grades.24.If you want your child to be prepared to manage his future college workload and responsibilities, take care before you hire a tutor, a private coach, or college application consultant.There’s no room for all of them in a dorm room.25.Rather than lurking, snooping, sniping or giving up, practice sensible stewardship of your child’s online activities.Evaluate her level of self-respect and good judgment in other areas.26.Treat ordinary household chores and paid jobs as more important learning opportunities than jazzy extracurriculars. With real-world experience, your child will develop into an employable (and employed) adult. That said, accept that older children will get chores done on AST (Adolescent Standard Time).
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Woman working out on mountain

Fit for Happiness

As a fitness instructor, motivational speaker and lifestyle coach, Chalene Johnson has heard it hundreds of times: “If I can just lose 20 pounds, I’ll be happy.” Or, “I’ll be happy once I getback in shape.” The problem is, she says, it doesn’t work that way.“Most people assume that if they can achieve their physical goals, they’ll be happy. So they go to extreme measures, and either they fail because the goal was too big, or they succeed at their goal, but find out it doesn’t change how they feelabout themselves—so they still perceivethemselves as failing.”While setting personal health and fitness goals is important, believing thathappiness will come from reaching thosegoals can set someone up for failure. “Happiness never comes from theoutside,” Chalene says. “It comes froma combination of all areas of our lives.Certainly, a lot of people start from theoutside, but it is the other changes theymake in their lives along the way thattruly make them happy.”She says working on fitness goals mayhelp put other areas of life in balance. Forexample, people may work fewer hours orspend less time in front of the television;they might start eating healthier mealsand make better choices. As all of those different areas of their lifebegin aligning, they are less likelyto self-medicate with food oralcohol—and as a result, theyfeel happier overall.Chalene’s observations, whichcome from more than 20 years of fitness and lifestyle coaching, havegrowing scientific evidence toback them up. Tim Sharp,Ph.D., executive coach,clinical psychologistand adjunct professorat the University of Technology, Sydney, Business School and RMIT University & School of Health Sciences, is alsofounder of The Happiness Institute,based in Sydney. His research theory, called “The Primacy of Positivity,”proposes that practicing the principlesof positive psychology and doing what isnecessary to create a happy life must bethe first step—not the end result.Taking such an approach “will boostmotivation and energize a person tothen do more of what they need to do,such as live a healthy life,” he says. “Allof these principles are very possible before goal attainment.”Delaying HappinessThe belief that happiness comes from reaching goals can actually have a negative effect on people, creating what Tim calls “the tyranny of when.” “[This] is the phenomenon resulting from a group of related thoughts and beliefs associated with imagined and seemingly desirable, but currently unreached, goals,” he explains. “For example, ‘I’ll be happy when…I have more money, a bigger house or a better job.’”In a paper published in theMarch 2011 edition of Coaching: AnInternational Journal of Theory, Researchand Practice, Tim explains how “thetyranny of when” can thwart goals andlead to a range of problems, includingnegative and self-defeating emotions.When someone is operating under“the tyranny of when” and fails toreach a goal, they may have already talked themselves out of being happy.As a result, any success or progressthey might have made on the way toreaching that goal is discounted. Forexample, instead of being happy aboutlosing eight pounds and celebrating thataccomplishment, someone might bedisappointed because they didn’t losethe 10 pounds they had intended.As a countermeasure, Tim isamong those who propose a newapproach that challenges the traditionof working toward goals. He arguesthat achievement and success are moreattainable if happiness and positivity arecreated first.“So even if happiness is not anexplicit goal in and of itself, it shouldstill be seen as a highly useful means toa desired end.”Reversing theThought ProcessShawn Achor, author of the books Before Happiness and The Happiness Advantage says the practice of attaching happiness to a goal or accomplishment is “scientifically broken" and believesit interferes not only with our overallhappiness, but with our outcomesand success.“Every time you record a victory,your brain changes the goal post of whatsuccess looks like,” he notes, addingthat it means we will always need a newaccomplishment to continue feelingsuccessful. However, research Shawnhas conducted at Harvard Universityindicates that the level of happinesscreated by the success doesn’t change orincrease with each success; it remainsthe same.In other words, greatersuccess does not, by itself, translate togreater levels of happiness.“But flip around the formula,prioritize creating a positive brain inthe present, and suddenly, every singlebusiness and educational outcomerises,” he says. “Raise happiness levelsin the present and your success raterises dramatically.”Successfully reaching personalweight and fitness goals requiresbecoming realistic about what one wantsto accomplish, and about the result thatreaching that goal will have.“Part of the frustration that canoftentimes come from trying to speedtoward certain goals is that sometimesthose goals are irrational,” he says.“Start with a realistic assessment ofwhere you are, but maintain the beliefthat your behavior matters in thepresent: ‘Can I work out today?’ ”That’s a simpler and more attainablegoal than vowing to exercise six days aweek.Looking at the goal in smaller,bite-size pieces makes it moremanageable, and creates more victoriesto celebrate. It also helps us stay positiveand makes us less likely to berateourselves if we have an “off” day,knowing it can be compensated for thenext day. Becoming more realistic andstaying committed while not makinghappiness contingent upon the outcomeare important shifts in thinking thatallow us to accept ourselves morereadily—and be able to celebrate theaccomplishment of simply takingbetter care of ourselves. And, bestof all, pursuing a healthier and more fitlifestyle will automatically supporteach individual’s personal questfor happiness.Which Comes First?Dr. John Ratey, an associate professorof psychiatry at Harvard and the authorof the book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain explains that exercise and happinessgo hand-in-hand. The challenge liesin getting people to recognize its many benefits and stop looking at it merely as a tool for physical attractiveness.“There’s a feeling among many people that exercise is work, and that’s a problem,” he says. “They see it as a chore or as work instead of seeing it assomething that has tremendous benefits to them. We are such a push-button,immediate digitalized response world that we demand change immediately,and that’s our downfall when it comes to exercise. If people are using thisto improve their outward physicalappearance, they know it’s going to takesome time.”However, he says anyone whoexercises can enjoy immediate benefits,even though they aren’t necessarily the kind of results that will show up on thescale in the morning.“People talk a lot about endorphinsthat are released through exercise,but that is just part of it,” John says.“When we begin exercising, we almost immediately begin releasing dopamine,norepinephrine and serotonin. Thoseare all neurotransmitters that deal with feelings of reward, alertness,contentment and feelings of wellbeing.”Even more importantly, the brain begins to secrete something known as “brain-derived neurotrophic factor,” or BDNF, a protein that is associated with the growth and development of neurons within the brain. John calls BDNF “brain fertilizer,” noting that it has been proven effective in combating both depression and anxiety, and even has been successful in fighting substance abuse issues.Exercise: The Stress Killer“In general, it allows us to combatstress hormones directly within thebody, but also to combat outsidestresses overall. And all of those thingscontribute to our feelings of happiness.”John says the key to enjoying a fitnessregimen—and therefore, increasing theodds of staying with it—is to understandthe immediate benefits it creates andbegin appreciating what it can do in theshort term rather than focusing on long-termbenefits.“People know that it’s going to havelong-term effects; it can fight depressionand Alzheimer’s and help them loseweight,” he says. “But we’ve become tooaccustomed to only placing an emphasison the physical. There are tremendousimmediate emotional and cognitiveeffects to exercise.”Maintaining a commitment to fitness can create a sense of mastery and pride in accomplishment—while at the same time, triggering a series of positive neural responses within the brain. It can lower blood pressure and blood sugar levels in just a few minutes, and it improves mood and enhances the quality of sleep. John says it doesn’t matter what the activity is; regardless of whether it’s yoga, CrossFit, weightlifting or Zumba, any exercise that stresses and challenges the brain will engage it immediately and set the benefits in motion. In fact, he notes that the brain is more engaged during exercise than it is during any other activity—including studying.“The thing that people need to thinkabout is that they are doing somethingto make them feel better today,” Johnsays. “When you exercise and increaseyour overall feeling of wellbeing fortoday, you’re going to feel better abouteverything that happens that day. You’regoing to feel happier overall.”A 2013 study by Katherine M.Appleton of Queen’s University inBelfast, U.K., published in the Journalof Health Psychology further illustratesJohn’s point. Her study showed thatregular exercise helped people feelbetter about themselves and theirappearance—even when there wereno obvious outward physical changes.Participants were divided into twocontrol groups; one group spent 40minutes reading six days a week, theother group spent that same amount oftime exercising. Neither group showedchanges in their appearance, but at theend of the study, the exercise groupshowed marked improvement in theirbody image, while the reading groupshowed no change in their body image.Katherine wrote that her study“confirm(ed) current theories of bodyimage, where changes in body imageare mediated by body perceptions asopposed to actual body indices.” Whatshe saw firsthand was that exercisecan help improve body image and mindset, even if no weight was lost or ifmeasurable improvements were made inthe shapes of their bodies.Katherine’s findings are similar tothose being made by other psychologistsand scientists around the globe.Many experts today believe that thelink between physical activity andhappiness is inextricably linked,and that exercise is a way to unleashhappiness—something that could play apivotal role in helping people reach theirpersonal health and fitness goals.Reaching Realistic GoalsHarvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., who teaches a course on positive psychology, frequently preaches a gospel of exercise to induce and maintain happiness. “Physical exercise, three times a week, is equivalent to some of our most powerful psychiatric drugs in terms of its effect on depression and anxiety,” he said during the PBS television program, Life (Part 2).He has frequently been quoted as saying avoiding exercise is the equivalent to taking depressants. And Niyc Pidgeon, a U.K.-based positive psychologist specializing in physical activity, sport and exercise, has created a performance pyramid similar to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to illustrate the formula for reaching optimal performance in life. Her model places “mindsets and optimism” as the essential foundation for building other necessary characteristics such as self-awareness, positive emotions and emotional intelligence.“Choosing an [optimistic] mindset can be fundamental in developing, enhancing and maintaining performance,” she says. “Optimism is associated with more positive and authentic relationships, better physical health and a longer lifespan.”What emerges is a sort of chicken-and-the-egg question between exercise andhappiness. Exercise is proven successful in releasing stress, unleashing feel-good chemicals in the brain, and enhancing mood and motivation. At the same time, those who see the results of exercise as thepath to their happiness may find themselves disappointed, disillusioned—and ultimately unsuccessful at both finding happiness and reaching their goals.“If you solely focus on your physiqueand that outcome, you’re going to bedisappointed,” concludes Chalene.“You have to find what makes you trulyhappy in life first. You have to create thatbalance in your life. Otherwise, you willstay on this hamster wheel of trying to behappy forever.”
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A Happiness Backlash?

A Happiness Backlash?

Is the "happiness movement" creating a league of shallow people and overindulged kids? Lately, there has been an explosion in both the science and celebration of happiness, as well as a focus on the tools we can use to help ourselves and those around us gain a better sense of wellbeing. You might say that happiness is in the air: In best-selling books, loads of articles and even our own magazine and website. And, of course, it is now also stuck in everyone’s heads, thanks toPharrell'subiquitous song. It's not surprising then that this critical mass surrounding positivity and an emphasis on happiness at home and in the workplace is producing something of a backlash. After all, a focus on happiness can come across as saccharine and shallow. But boiling down the tenets of happiness to a search for hedonistic pleasure would be a huge misreading of the movement. Happy overload Last week columnist David Brooks came out with a piece in The New York Times suggesting that instead of seeking to avoid suffering by being “happy,” we should embrace it as an opportunity for growth. While beautifully written and cogently argued, I think it misses the point. “Over the past few weeks,” he says, “I’ve found myself in a bunch of conversations in which the unspoken assumption was that the main goal of life is to maximize happiness.” But with all this focus on happiness, says Brooks, we are missing out on the true growth that occurs when we embrace, instead of avoid, suffering. Being happy does not mean avoiding suffering “Happiness wants you to think about maximizing your benefits,” Brooks says, whereas “difficulty and suffering sends you on a different course….Suffering drags you deeper into yourself” and “gives people a more accurate sense of their own limitations.” He gives a mocking example of what he imagines a happiness expert might advise someone who is suffering: “Well, I’m feeling a lot of pain over the loss of my child. I should try to balance my hedonic account by going to a lot of parties and whooping it up.” But finding or embracing happiness does not mean whooping it up to forget our sorrows. Divorce, death, illness, injury—we will all experience suffering. What's important is not to arrange your life so that you never take risks or keep away from those under the weight of suffering or tragedy. What's important is how you bounce back, grow and help others recover and rebound after going through a turbulent time. The tools of positive psychology—gratitude, compassion, resilience, optimism—are indispensable when it comes to recovering from trauma. Raising ‘happy’ kids On April 16, an article on The Huffington Post by Richard Weissbourd, a lecturer at the Harvard School of Education, and associate professor Stephanie Jones offered a similar critique, this time suggesting that “behind this relentless focus on happiness is an intense focus on the self” and that “happiness doesn't automatically lead to goodness.” Exactly. In fact, happiness research has shown that it is the other way around—that being kind, compassionate and giving to others actually makes us happy. “With parents and kids, this focus on happiness and the self has real consequences,” the article continues. “Kids are allowed to skip out on obligations to teams and groups because participation no longer makes them happy; they are free to (or even encouraged to) drop friends who are annoying, weird or just not fun; and they sometimes treat the adults in their lives like staff or as invisible—neglecting to thank them or show appreciation.” Again, I would argue that the authors have it backward. An increasing number of studies show that raising happy, well-adjusted kids requires a focus on responsibility and respect, among other attributes, which then leads to wellbeing and happiness. Responsibility and respect build self-esteem In fact, the authors echo many happiness experts and the themes of our own Acts of Happiness campaign when they write that we need to model behavior for our children by “contributing to our communities, taking action against injustice, making even small sacrifices regularly for friends and neighbors.” They continue by saying “the data suggest that moral and caring kids tend to be happier kids and adults” with a link to the author’s own research and book. But that same conclusion has also come out of the positive psychology camp, with its emphasis on “The Meaningful Life” as the most important attribute of happy people. According to leading positive psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman, in a meaningful life, “Meaning is increased through our connections to others, future generations or causes that transcend the self. From a positive psychology perspective, meaning consists of knowing what your highest strengths are, and then using them to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” Look beyond the smiley face I understand the temptation to recoil and play devil’s advocate in the face of all this glowing positivity, giving rise to books like Barbara Ehrenreich’s Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining Americaand Oliver Burkeman’s The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. After all, we are critically thinking, doubting, sometimes-suffering people who could do without a bunch of easy, cheesy homilies and “Kumbaya” drum circles to tell us how to feel. But don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. A focus on how we can make ourselves and others happier, including science-based recommendations for increasing our wellbeing, does not entail steering clear of suffering, nor does it mean going to more parties or letting your kids do whatever they want. The critics have a point in the sense that a singular focus on happiness can seem to gloss over some of the deeper and more painful aspects of our personalities. But they need to read further than the titles of articles and, according to Brooks, the “more than 1,000 books released on Amazon on that subject [happiness]” in one three-month period. The pursuit of happiness is easy to poke fun at, but if we think less about ourselves and more about our connections to others in the community and the world, the closer we’ll get to that goal.
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Young woman lying on the grass

4 Websites That Will Help You Build Hope

Hope gets you out of bed every morning, and yet by lunchtime, that wide-eyed optimism can turn into an empty homily. Here are four websites that can help you stay focused and turn your good intentions into reality.FutureMe.Org lets you send a letter to your future self, days, weeks, months or even years in the future. You can use it to remind yourself of a where/when plan you’ve made (“Hi, Today is the day you’re signing up for swimming lessons”) or check in on your progress. More than two and half million future letters have been written through the website.StickK.com allows you make a “commitment contract,” declaring your goals to yourself and others, and making it binding. You choose your objective—losing weight, quitting smoking, writing the first 100 pages of your novel, running a 5K—pick a timeframe and designate a referee who will monitor your progress as well as supporters who will cheer you on. You can also set a stake—betting, say, $10 a week that you’ll keep your commitment—and choosing where the money will go (a charity, perhaps) if you fail.Timebanks.org helps send ripples of hope out into your community. Using time as currency, members of the bank contribute their skills and earn “time credits” in exchange. Everyone’s time is valued alike. You might deliver an hour of resume writing and withdraw an hour of carpentry down the road. “We are all assets,” the website says. “We all have something to give.”Hopemonger.com is Shane Lopez’s website and it is filled with hope-building resources, including a link to the Hope Scale, so you can measure (and track) your own hope; information on “nexting while talking,” a technique for practicing hope with your kids; and hope how-tos on mapping out hope and sharpening your hope skills.
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Woman talking on the phone

The Dynamic Communicator

The ability to communicate effectively and thoughtfully empowers each of us with skills for greater happiness and success. While communication can be learned and refined over time, it is important to remember that we have been picking up communication experience from the beginning of our lives, when we moved around and kicked in the womb—as if to announce, “I’m here!” Born to communicate Ask any woman who has ever been pregnant, and she will immediately recall her delight at the sensation of receiving that first message from her unborn child. When we are born, we cry. Our first verbal communication with the world says, “It’s cold, and the lights are too bright!” From our first breath, we are trying to communicate: I am here. I exist. These are the same fundamental desires we all carry with us throughout our entire lifetimes. As we grow, our caregivers help us refine the way we ask for things, and hopefully, teach us how to communicate clearly, speak and listen effectively, and learn to balance the needs and wants of ourselves with the needs and wants of others. Going from so-so to dynamic While trying to learn effective skills to communicate, we succeed and stumble along the way. As kids, we demand and react. As teenagers, we push boundaries and act out, and higher thinking and advanced communication skills come into play as we learn to negotiate with our parents and teachers. Over time, our communication style becomes influenced by our friends, bosses, intimate relationships and co-workers. As an adult, you have probably settled on a communication style you are comfortable with. Now, I want to encourage even more growth and suggest that you go from good to great—from being a reasonably effective communicator to a dynamic communicator! (Take this quiz to find out what kind of communicator you are.) Dynamic communication is an ever-evolving art and is the ability to consciously interact and react thoughtfully. Once you get past the baseline of basic talking, everything else can be learned, practiced and improved throughout your life. If you practice these skills enough, they will become part of who you are. Dynamic communicators are more thoughtful; they have very little conflict in their lives, and they get more of what they want out of every situation and relationship because they’ve mastered how to get it! Now, doesn’t that sound appealing? The skills you need: • Recognize that how you communicate sets the tone for how the world sees you and treats you. • Learn to respond consciously. Think before you react. • Listen to your grown-up voice, logic and rationale and refuse to allow your past history to influence your present behavior. • Keep yourself—and others—in check. Apologize, walk away and take the higher road for good. • Don’t bring up 20 things that happened in the past—with anyone. Focus on the here and now, and move forward. • Care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being right. Gifts of the dynamic communicator Life, unfortunately, is full of intense, high-drama situations where even the best communicators are put to the test—not to mention the small day-to-day annoyances such as rude waiters, indifferent salespeople and sarcastic co-workers. As dynamic communicators, we must be alert to the red flags in ourselves and others that might lead us down the road to a bad experience. What I’ve noticed in years of counseling clients is that a common hindrance to dynamic interaction is the need to be right. You have to care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being heard, being louder, winning, getting the last word or being right. A dynamic communicator lets go of the need to win. The real winning comes from a successful relationship, not scoring points. You want to win the war, not fight endless battles. Ultimately, dynamic interaction leaves both people walking away feeling satisfied or happy. One or both may have compromised during the process, but neither is walking away upset, hurt or feeling that he got short shrift. A dynamic communicator knows when the time has come for that long overdue talk or when to walk away and cut communications altogether or which tool to employ along the way so it doesn’t come to either of those extremes. If you don’t know which tool to use, you can certainly say, “I need to think about this.” Then talk to friends, reflect, get advice and then get back to the person you want to speak with. Better communication means closer relationships In the end, when you have worked on becoming a dynamic communicator, learning to interact thoughtfully and effectively with others, you will find that the road to happiness is smoother and easier to find. And, as an added bonus,you’ll have relationships and dialogues that are deeper, more meaningful and significantly more satisfying.
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Guy with money floating around

Intentional Investing

Putting your money where your mind isWe all feel happy when our investments make money. More money enables us to do things that give us joy, like providing for our families, supporting our communities and of course having fun. While most of us would agree that money can’t buy happiness, we also know that it can help support what makes us happy.Until a few years ago, I had no idea that the process of investing could be aligned with my core values, which include community and caring for our planet. I had been following a conventional goal of investing money solely to make more money. Then, if I wanted to do some good, I could donate it to a cause or organization that I cared about.Finding value without sacrificing valuesAfter leaving the brokerage business in 2007, I was drawn to the idea of sustainable investing because it emphasizes the deeply connected nature of people, planet and profit. If we wish to make the world a better place, then all of those things need to be considered. To educate myself, I started attending a variety of conferences and workshops, including the Slow Money gathering in 2010. The event, and the organization in general, challenges people to consider ‘slowing down’ the nature of their money (at least some of it) by considering the impact it has on providing healthy, local and sustainable food.From that conference, I was introduced to several other organizations that offer ways to be more intentional about money and investing, including RSF Social Finance, a dynamic non-profit with a mission to transform the way the world works with money. People can invest in their loan fund to support businesses and organizations that address diverse social and environmental issues, including food, the arts and education. Through working with these organizations, I’ve come to understand that my investments can earn a return and also be focused on what is truly important to me and my family. There are a growing number of ways that do that, some of which have been around for a long time.Start with bankingCommunity banking, owning stock in socially responsible corporations, funding a new generation of social entrepreneurs (people focused on solving social or environmental issues), and investing in making your home more energy-efficient all represent ways to use our investment money for positive change.Evaluating your bank is one of the easiest ways to get started. The more locally focused your bank or credit union is, the more benefit your deposit dollars will bring to your community. About two-thirds of loans made by community banks go to small businesses—many of them local. In contrast, only about one-third of loans from national and global institutions flow to small businesses.Small local banks and credit unions are also more likely to have stakeholders (depositors, borrowers, employees and even bank owners) connected through place and community. Some community development banks and credit unions provide assistance to people lacking access to financial services—another social benefit.Options for socially conscious investingInvesting in the stock market and publicly traded companies doesn’t have to mean ignoring your values. Advisors that specialize in socially responsible investing (SRI) have been around for decades. Originally, they mostly offered “negative screens”—identifying companies that were not involved in things like alcohol, tobacco or weapons, for example. Now, many public companies report on the environmental, social and governance (ESG) aspects of their business, along with their financial results. This allows investment experts to positively screen companies according to values and sustainability, in addition to potential financial return.You can also find out how well a company treats their employees, including factory working conditions and availability of healthcare coverage. Many companies report on CO2 emissions, natural resource consumption and recycling programs, all of which affect our environment. From a governance perspective, we can consider how diverse a board of directors is, whether it includes a significant number of women, etc.Useful resources aboundAcross all these areas, a growing number of resources can help us be more intentional with our money and investing. Green America and Social Funds have made simple investment guides to help people get started, along with listings of relevant mutual funds. First Affirmative is a network of investment professionals who help clients invest in values-aligned companies.Investment firms like Trillium Asset Management use ESG information to analyze and manage investments for their portfolios and clients. In addition, they proactively engage public companies to improve their business practices by acting as an advocate for their client shareholders.Learning about sustainable investing has changed the way I think about money. To help others get involved, I created a directory as a one-stop site for information on the subject. I continue to realize how much our investments have an effect on society and the planet, and as a consequence, impact our own happiness and wellbeing.Brian Kaminer is the founder of Talgra, a consulting firm focused on sustainable, responsible and impact investing​. He is also co-creator, with his wife Alka, of LiveHappyWithin.com.
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Maya Angelou

History Teacher

She has been defined by manyremarkable titles—best-sellingauthor, poet, actress, playwright,historian, civil rights activist, film producer and director. But the role thatMaya Angelou, who died on May 28, treasures most is that of teacher.Back in April, she told us, “I used to think I was a writer whocould teach, but I have come to realizethat I am a teacher who is able to write,”she says. “The truth is, all of us areteachers, whether we realize it or not.”Today, she gains more satisfactionfrom teaching others face-to-facethan from sharing herself through thewritten word.“If you are a writer who choosesto teach, your first responsibility is towrite." “But if you startwith the premise that you are a teacher,you are going to think of the studentfirst.” Learning, she says, should neverend—and is the key to a better life forthe teacher in all of us.Lesson PlansMaya, who was born in St. Louisin 1928, grew up primarily inStamps, Ark., where she witnessed the lynchingof a black man. Yet, in that sameenvironment, she found unconditional love in her family and rooted herself in the faith and values of theAfrican-American community.“I learned that, as a race, we are atonce brilliant, kind and cruel,” she says.“It is so important for us to rememberthat and to know that in the twinklingof an eye, we are able to sap the life fromthe living.” But the very same personwho can cruelly or carelessly strike oneperson down can also easily turn aroundand offer help and hope to someoneelse. And that, she said, is somethingshe finds amazing.Overcoming childhood traumaChronicling the contrast betweenlife’s beauty and its often-savage struggles has been an overriding theme throughout her work that has struck auniversal chord with readers. The firstof her autobiographical books, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, was publishedin 1969 and made her one of the firstAfrican-American women to openlydiscuss her private life. It included the revelation of being sexually abused andraped by her mother’s boyfriend at theage of 8. After she told her brother of the abuse, the boyfriend was jailed for just one day and then released. He wasfound murdered four days later—mostlikely by Maya’s uncles.That event became a defining moment that ultimately led to theyoung girl becoming unable to speak for nearly five years. She has famously recounted that she felt her voicehad killed the man because she had spoken his name. As she wrote in herfirst book, “I thought I would neverspeak again, because my voice wouldkill anyone.”Today, she still believes in thepower of both the written and spokenword, and says the entire world couldbenefit simply from every person learning to use words to educate,empower and encourage thosearound them.
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Boy playing chess

Your Child’s Sparks

One of the most interesting things to emerge from the landmark 2012 American FamilyAssets Study was the concept of “sparks,” meaning those talents and interests that really light up kids and make them tick. Encouraging each other’s sparks, according to Pennsylvania StateUniversity professor J. Douglas Coatsworth, who consulted on the study, makes a big difference in the wellbeing and happiness of a family.Finding their special talentThese interests, when pursued over time, can help kids attain a positive sense of mastery, which has been linked to self-esteem. Eventually, when playing piano or painting a mural, they may even enter a state of "flow," a heightened sense of happiness and being in the moment.“Those activities or skills,those are really the strengthsthey see in themselves,” says Doug. “We started asking ourselves, ‘What is itthat families were doing that made themfunction well and helped parents raisehappier, healthier kids?’ ”Every child has sparks. Dougestimates 75 percent of kidscan identify things in their livesthat make them feel different,special, alive and real. Maybeit’s swimming, dance, chess,tennis or writing. “What happens with someparents is they don’t see that,”he says. “They’re so caught-upin raising that child the waythey feel they’re supposed to raise that child, or the way theyfeel their neighbor thinks theyshould raise that child, thatthey’re missing some reallyimportant parts of being ayoung kid or a teen.”Setting limits, discipline andbehavioral control resonatemore easily with many parents, according to Doug.Focus on the positive“It’s much harder for manyparents to examine thestrengths of their kids. Askparents, ‘What are your kids’positive qualities?’ They mightsay a few things. ‘What is your kid really interested andinvested in? What makes themgo? What’s their spark?’ Lotsof parents can’t do that. Theydon’t connect with their kidsat that deep emotional levelthat is really the core of thatchild’s being. And that’s reallywhat that spark is—whatthat child feels is his or heressence. And parents aren’t intouch with that.”Supporting your child’ssparks is even more difficultwhen they aren’t the sameas yours, according to Doug. “The saddest thing,the absolute saddest thing, isa parent trying to make a kidwho has a spark for playingthe piano into a linebacker.But parents do it all the time.”
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