You searched for self | Page 116 of 129

I Am Happy!

It’s 6:30 on a typical weekday morning in the Pacific Palisades home that Chris O’Donnell shares with Caroline, his wife of 17 years, their five children and Kimmy, their adored 13-year-old black lab. The custom-built house sits in a celebrity-dense Los Angelesneighborhood, where residents include A-listers like Matt Damon, BenAffleck, Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn, on a bluff overlooking the ocean.The views are stunning, but Chris and Caroline barely have time for a glance as they corral their brood.Fourteen-year-old Lily, the oldest, is out the door and heading to high school across town. Charlie, 10, “my focused little guy,” as Chris calls him, has already gotten dressed, eaten breakfast and iswatching the Golf Channel. Chip, 13, ispresent but not fully accounted for; hiseyes may be open but he’s half asleep.Finn, 8, is nowhere in sight. “You’ve called him 12 times but he’s still in bedand won’t come down,” Chris says. And 6-year-old Maeve, snuggled ona lap, is having her ponytails done.Some mornings, between volleyingquestions—Did you brush your teeth?Make your bed? Pack your backpack?—Chris steals a moment, pulls out hiscamera and videotapes the (mostly)controlled bedlam. “You think of thegreat trips you’ve taken, but this everydaymorning routine is the real fun and the kind of stuff you’ll want to remember,”he says. “This is your real life.”The rush hour of lifeAt 43, Chris is in the throes of whathe calls—borrowing a phrase fromsociologists—“the rush hour of life.” It’sthat period when both the demands ofcareer and family peak. “Right now I’m in the vortex of everything,” he says.“It’s crazy for me.” Days on the set ofhis hit CBS series NCIS: Los Angelescan run 14 hours, and weekends are,if anything, even more jammed. “It’sliterally divide and conquer,” he says; he and Caroline split duties of shuttling thekids to riding lessons, soccer, basketball,football and baseball games, with most Sunday mornings devoted to church.As hectic as rush hour may be, Chris is more than contentriding in the carpool lane.He has created the life he alwayswanted for himself: a large, happy family and the means to providefor them. That desire for blissfuldomesticity seems woven into hisvery DNA.A couple of years after hisbeloved father, William, passed away,Chris looked into his roots on the TLCshow Who Do You Think You Are? (Thisis a sharp contrast to his TV character,G. Callen, a military special agentwho grew up in 20 foster homes anddoesn’t even know what the “G” inhis first name stands for.) What Chrisdiscovered left his blue eyes wateringseveral times during the episode:Generation after generation, the men of his family had answered acall to service—fighting in the War of1812 and later in the Spanish-AmericanWar, helping bury bodies during the cholera epidemic that hit St. Louis inthe 1840s—but always returned hometo their families when they were needed.“Family was the most important thing in life to them,” Chris says.“And maybe that’s part of why itfeels so natural to me, so right, thatit’s also my instinct to put familyahead of everything else. There arepast generations that instill that inyou without your even knowing.”A nice guy who's finishing firstChris has a reputation in Hollywoodfor being a nice guy. Asked about this,he says, “Obviously, you’re talking tothe right people. I’m sure there arepeople who don’t have that opinion ofme.” Finding those people would likelybe a fruitless quest. In person, Chris isunfailingly gracious. At a photo shoot inthe Hollywood Hills on a rare morningoff, he is asked to wade into a pool withhis clothes on, a request that wouldleave many a more finicky actor aghast.But he’s all for it. “Just tell me what youwant me to do,” Chris says. Steppinginto the pool, he playfully brandishes animaginary Robin cape,reprising his days as Batman’s trustysidekick. Then, when a particularlyexuberant kick leaves a photographer’sassistant soaked, he’s full of apologies.He’s just as affable outsideHollywood. An avid and gifted golfer,he has played for the past 18 yearsin the AT&T Pebble Beach NationalPro-Am, a tournament that raisesmoney for the nonprofit MontereyPeninsula Foundation. It’s DougThompson’s sometimes-delicate jobto get the tournament’s celebritygolfers to talk to the press. Manybalk at the request; not Chris.“I have worked with dozens and dozens of celebrities over the past 13 years,” Doug says, “and Chris is themost open and friendly of any of them. He’s willing to do whatever I ask him.” This year Chris was on the driving range practicing with a swing coachwhen Doug approached him aboutdoing a television interview. He saidyes, even though he had a coveted teetime at Cypress Point [Club], widelyconsidered one ofthe most beautifulgolf courses in theworld.“You don’tever want to miss atee time at CypressPoint,” Doug says.“But Chris gaveus 45 minutes.He even showedthe host howto swing a golf club.That typifies him.” Doug runs outof adjectives as he describes Chris’generosity. “He’s just a great guy,” Dougsays, “really incredible,awesome.”A boisterous boyhoodEarly in his acting career, Chrissometimes felt like a fraud becausehe couldn’t call upon a harrowing childhood. “God forbid you came froma stable family,” Chris says. “That feltlike such a cop-out. Sure, a lot of artists did, of course, come from torturedbackgrounds, but I didn’t. When Iwas a young guy and I did interviews,I thought I had to produce some kindof edgy image. I don’t care about thatanymore. I feel so blessed to have had agreat upbringing with a lot of love frommy parents, my brothers and my sisters.”Chris grew up in Winnetka, anaffluent suburb of Chicago, the youngestof seven children. His brothers andsisters complained that as the baby of the family, Chris was spoiled; it didn’t helpthat his mother’s nickname for him was“Precious Love.” In some ways, Chrissays, he’s a composite of every oneof his siblings. “I had this amazingexperience being the youngest ofseven,” he says, “because I was soinfluenced by each of my brothersand my sisters. I see this with my ownkids, too. As the youngest, I wanted tobe like everyone, so I play golf becausemy brother John played golf. I’ll neverbe as good as John—who’s one of thetop amateur golfers in the country—butI’m pretty good. My brother Bill gardensand cooks, and he can build a house. I can do a lot of that, though I can’t doit as well as him. But Bill doesn’t golfand John can’t do any of the stuff thatBill does. I’m somewhere in-between.”The way, way backHis dad set an example of relishing simple pleasures. “He would get as excited about a good homemade burger and a cold beer, sitting in his house with his feet up and watching the Bears game as if he was in the fanciest restaurant in Paris,” he says. The family ate dinner together every night, with Chris and his sister Angela sitting at the breakfast bar because there wasn’t room for all nine O’Donnells at the kitchen table.There were occasional meals out to Hackney’s, a casual family restaurant. “That was a really big deal,” Chris says. “We’d all pile into our two cars—a Buick and a Caprice classic station wagon—and, inevitably, one car would be 30 minutes late because halfway there someone got in trouble, wasn’t allowed to go to dinner and had to be taken home.” There were rules, like each kid was allowed one soda for the night. “You could chug it if you wanted or you could take little sips and wait for everyone else to finish theirs,” Chris says. He’d chug his, then climb under the table and pour packets of sugar into a glass of water. “My parents would say, ‘Just leave him alone, he’s quiet,’ ” Chris says. “It was chaos, and they’d always say, ‘We’re never doing this again.’ But, of course, we did.”Best of all were the weeks spent at a summer cottage on Lake Michigan that had been in his mother’s family for generations. There was a small public golf course behind the house. “My favorite day as a kid was getting up early, going to play golf and then coming home, having lunch and being on those sandy beaches with my family,” Chris says. “We’d build bon fires and generations—my grandparents, parents and lots of cousins—would come together. It was just a simple, fun tradition.”Getting to workWhen he was in the eighth grade,inspired by a classmate who wasappearing in local ads, Chris reached out to a local talent agent. Soon, he wasappearing in local TV commercials andthen national campaigns, like one forMcDonald’s where he rang up an orderfor basketball player Michael Jordan. At17, he landed his first movie role, oppositeJessica Lange, in Men Don’t Leave. It washis introduction to the perks of success,and it left him wide-eyed. “They flew me out to New York to audition,” Chrissays. “I took my dad, and they put us upat The Regency Hotel. There were threeTVs in our room; there was even onein the bathroom. I was blown away.”When Chris started Boston Collegeafter deferring a year to do the movie, hedidn’t tell anyone about his acting career.“I didn’t want to be known as the kidwho was in the movies,” he says. But thenads started running for Men Don’t Leaveand, he says, “the cat was out of the bag.”His anonymity completely evaporatedover the next few years, as he starredopposite some of Hollywood’s biggeststars (Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman andGene Hackman and Faye Dunaway inThe Chamber) and newcomers who wouldgo on to become the next generation ofsuperstars (Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Brendan Fraser in School Ties andDrew Barrymore in Mad Love).The allure of stardomWhen he was 23, Chris went on location to Vienna to star opposite Charlie Sheen and Kiefer Sutherland in The ThreeMusketeers. It was, he says, “the biggest eye-opening experience of all time.” Ifhe liked to have a good time, he was a choirboy in comparison to Kiefer and,especially, Charlie. “I always say it was like taking your craziest buddy fromcollege, giving him $20 million and justseeing what he does,” Chris says. “It wastotally out-of-control. I loved it, butI had my limits. I’d knock back somecocktails with them, but at a certainpoint, I’d check out while they’d run all night. This was a big opportunityfor me, and I was taking it seriously.”While Chris enjoyed his stint as a Hollywood heartthrob, he recognized “there were different paths you could take.” He goes on. “I knew I could continue to date and never get married and enjoy Hollywood and all the benefits of it, but that really wasn’t who I was,” he says. “It’s tough to have it both ways. If you know you want to have a great family and a bunch of kids, it’s hard to run around in Hollywood.”Finding his soulmateHe started dating Caroline Fentress,the sister of a college roommate (“Assoon as I kissed her, I knew she wasthe one,” he likes to say), and, threeyears later, in April 1997, they married.“Being in this business can be anemotional roller coaster, and Carolineis an incredibly stable person and agreat sounding board for me,” he says.She provided a ballast early on, inthe heady aftermath of making BatmanForever and Batman & Robin.“TheBatman movies changed everything,” he says. “It took me to a differentlevel.” Chris was bombarded with filmoffers, and though he declined rolesthat turned out to be hits for otheractors, including Men in Black, he hasno regrets. “I love doing films,” Chrissays, “but traveling all the time andbeing on location isn’t conducive tofamily life. When I started having kids,I realized TV was going to make moresense for me.”Joining the NCIS familyAfter co-starring stintson Two and a Half Men, The Practice andGrey’s Anatomy and a starring role inthe Cold War miniseries The Company,he moved on to NCIS: Los Angeles. Itproved a hit out of the gate and stilldrew top ratings in its fifth season.This year, to keep things interesting,Chris directed an episode for the first time and hopes to do more directingnext season. Still, he is far fromrestless. “I’m comfortable with thecharacter I play, and I’m crazy aboutthe people I work with,” he says. Chrisshares a special chemistry and a kind of“bromance” with his co-star, rapper-turned-actor LL Cool J. “I love him,”Chris says. “He’s one-of-a-kind, anincredibly confident guy who’s reallycomfortable in his own body. He’s alsosomebody that I absolutely trust. I can tell that guy anything and he’s like a vault.”For now, Chris is looking eastwardto the coast of Maine, where he has asummer home. Hoping to re-createthe kind of experiences that he enjoyedgrowing up, the family spends summers at their 100-year-old waterfront home.“I’ve got Maine fever,” he says. “It’s myfavorite place to be and I can’t get therefast enough. I get eight weeks off fromthe show, and everyone always asks me ifI’m going to do a lm on my hiatus. I say,‘Are you crazy? This is the most precioustime of the year with my kids.’ We justkind of shut things down and hang out.It’s when I really get to live my life.”The days are sun-drenched andleisurely: They pack a picnic and exploredifferent islands—there are over 4,600 islands off the coast of Maine—sail, swimand golf. And, unlike when they’re in LA,even his older kids don’t balk at spendingfamily time together. “I’m still a big shotto my little guys,” he says, “but Chip andLily are gone every weekend. I’ll say,‘I thought we were going to do somethingtogether,’ and they’re like, ‘I don’t knowI’ve got so-and-so coming over.’ I’m like,‘All right, but what am I, chopped liver?’ ”Finding the good life at homeDon’t feel too sorry for Chris. Alongwith taking romantic trips to places like Paris and the French Caribbean Islandof St. Bart’s, he and Caroline have very active social lives themselves. “I’m notrunning around in Hollywood going to every event,” he says. “But we’re always going to dinners with friends and havingparties.” Recently, Caroline organized agame of team charades, with 60 adultsbroken into eight teams. “People wereracing through every room of thehouse,” he says. “It was the best night ofthe year.” And just recently they hosteda more elegant event—a catered wine pairingdinner for a dozen friends. Chrisis a serious wine collector, and when hehad his home built from the ground up,he included a wine cellar (as well as anoutdoor pizza oven).When theO’Donnells return home from Maine,Chris will begin making plans for theOktoberfest he hosts every year, completewith fare like beef roulade, schnitzeland beer passed around in a giant stein. “It’s a family tradition,” Chris says.“I get really sentimental about things,and I’m really a creature of habit.”Right now, it’s time for Chris tomove on to his next appointment.Before he heads out to his car—anAudi sedan that, he says, is the fanciestcar he has ever bought and that leaveshim feeling slightly abashed—he iscertain to thank every crew memberwith a hearty, “Appreciate it, man.Have a good day.” And just as thedoor closes behind him, there’s asound that follows Chris O’Donnellwherever he goes. People turn to eachother, smile and exclaim, “What anice guy!”

relationships

Teen Angst or Teen Anguish?

My friend Lydia recently asked if I could recommend a therapist for her 14-year-old daughter, Helen, who’d left a note for her mom that read, “I’m really sad. I think I need to talk to somebody.” Lydia came to me for advice because she knew that my own daughter (a pal of her child’s since nursery school) was recovering from an eating disorder, and that over the past year we’d tried several treatment approaches before finding one that worked. She figured I’d have some insight about child-focused therapists in our area, which I did and was happy to pass along. Lydia was concerned, but not panicked, about Helen’s down-tick in mood. “We’d just had a bad family holiday,” she told me, “and many of her friends are dealing with all sorts of mental and emotional problems; one girl has so much anxiety she’s being home-schooled. I think Helen’s worried she might have a problem too, or at least thinks she couldhave. At one point she told me, ‘I feel bad when I’m happy because all my friends are sad.’ ” The age of anxiety—and more It’s not surprising that Helen was encountering so much emotional mayhem among her friends. Adolescence can be a period of physical and emotional hell. And for many kids, the challenges run deeper than acne breakouts and romantic breakups. According to a landmark study supported by the National Institute of Mental Health, half of all lifetime cases of mental illness start at age 14. What’s more, the research found, mental disorders among teens and young adults often go undiagnosed for 10 years or more, which can be devastating: The longer a mental illness is untreated, the worse it can become and the more likely it is that a co-occurring disorder will develop. But teen behavior can be deceptive. It’s often tough to tell the difference between age-appropriate ennui and a true psychiatric disorder. “As teens gain independence, they’re more likely to share what they’re going through with peers than with parents,” says Darcy Gruttadaro, director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Child & Adolescent Action Center. “And parents can easily write off mood shifts as due to social or academic pressure or hormones.” It’s important to note that “one of the most powerful myths surrounding adolescence is that raging hormones cause teenagers to ‘go mad’ or ‘lose their minds.’ That’s simply false,” writes Daniel J. Siegel. M.D., in Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. “Hormones do increase during this period, but it is not the hormones that determine what goes on in adolescence. We now know that what adolescents experience is primarily the result of changes in the development in the brain.” Judy Moody and the eating disorder I can relate. I had no idea my child was in trouble until three of her friends reported to the guidance counselor that she never ate lunch, she seemed really unhappy and they were worried about her. Sure, I’d noticed she was slimming down, but I chalked it up to the fact that she was also growing taller. Likewise I mistook her tendency to hole up in her bedroom to be a typical teen’s preference for keeping to herself. And her listless, gloomy, Eeyore-ness seemed perfectly normal: Aren’t all teenage girls moody? Even after speaking to the guidance counselor I couldn’t quite believe my daughter was ill. But when I took her to the pediatrician, the extent of the problem was right there on her growth chart: Since birth her weight had increased perfectly in step with her height, but this time, when the doctor plotted the two measurements, the line connecting her weight from the year before to her current one plummeted sharply down and away from the height line. This, plus other symptoms, confirmed that she was anorexic. It turned out that she was also depressed. Why so sad? “Teens can be genetically predisposed to mood disorders, which certain circumstances can activate,” says Phoebe Farber, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Montclair, N.J., who sees a lot of kids and teenagers. (This was likely the case for my daughter. My father was bipolar, and I’ve struggled with depression, too.) Even when there’s no family history of mental illness, adolescence is rife with factors that put teens at special risk for all shades of the blues, from garden-variety glumness to downright depression. A big one is the “struggle to become independent and autonomous, and the desire for freedom and experimentation while still having to abide by parents’ rules,” says Phoebe. “This clash of expectations is like planets colliding and has always been a huge source of angst for teens.” Other common triggers for teen torpor are personality traits like shyness that make it tough to navigate relationships, school pressure and sexual identity issues. A 2008 survey by the Human Rights Campaign of 10,000 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) kids ages 13 to 17 revealed that while 67 percent of straight teens consider themselves happy, only 37 percent of LGBT teens do. “Among the overriding feelings many teens have across these spheres are alienation and isolation, the belief that ‘no one understands me and there’s no one I can talk to,’ ” says Phoebe. On the other hand, teenagers are greatly influenced by their peers, and even fundamentally happy and healthy kids may feel the pull of peer pressure while evaluating how they compare to and fit in with their friends, as Helen did. Luckily, after three therapy sessions, she realized she was OK and told her mom she didn’t need to continue; the therapist agreed. But other kids can take copycat behavior much further. My daughter told me, “I see it all the time—people who most likely don’t have a real issue but who see eating disorders and self-harm and other mental illness as tragically beautiful and mysterious.” She said one friend drew lines on her arm with a red lip liner to make it look like she’d been cutting herself. Adds Phoebe: “The power of the group is strong; the gravitational force is toward belonging, not separating.” Depressed, or just down in the dumps? Given how complicated it can be to decipher a teenager’s moodiness, it’s important for parents to watch out for the hallmarks of depression, which can be very different for a kid than for an adult.According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, if a teenager develops one or more of these symptoms, it’s time to seek help: · Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying · Decreased interest in activities or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities · Hopelessness · Persistent boredom; low energy · Social isolation, poor communication · Low self-esteem and guilt · Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure · Increased irritability, anger or hostility · Difficulty with relationships · Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches · Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school · Poor concentration · A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns · Talk of or efforts to run away from home · Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self-destructive behavior “If you see your child behaving in a way that’s different than usual, it’s a red flag,” adds Phoebe. “Be aware of a pattern of changes in behavior or appearance over a period of time, not just a bad day or an isolated bad mood.” Ease into the discussion And then what do you do? “Tread lightly,” says Phoebe. “Don’t try to find out what’s going on during the heat of an argument. Bring up your concerns when you’re both calm and feeling connected. Even then, don’t be too direct; say something like, ‘I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time in your room.’ Then see what you get. Above all, don’t switch into lecture mode; this is something my adolescent clients complain about all the time.” Awareness is also important. “We give kids tools for how to say no to alcohol and drugs; we teach them about STDs and smoking and the dangers of texting while driving. But we don’t talk about mental illness, even though of the more than 4,000 teens we lose to suicide each year, 90 percent have a diagnosable and treatable disorder,” says Darcy. She believes the message should come from all directions, that parents should be talking about mental illness at home, primary care doctors should be bringing it up during checkups and schools should be offering educational programs like NAMI’s Ending the Silence (50-minute presentations to high school students by folks who’ve experienced mental illness). A strong foundation Above all, build a strong bond with your child before she dives into the murkiness of adolescence, adds Phoebe. Show her that you’re listening and not always talking at her. Curb the criticism; don’t be judgmental. Developing rituals often helps. “My daughter loves Grey’s Anatomy, so I watch it with her,” says Phoebe. Now that my own child is healing from her eating disorder and receptive to spending time with me, we poke around in vintage clothing stores together. I like combing through racks of old clothes in search of wearable treasure, but even if I didn’t, it would be worth it just to spend the time with my daughter. If you know a teenager who is suffering or needs help, here is a list of resources: Teen Lineis a 24-hour hotline staffed by other teens. Teen Health and Wellness is a hotline as well as online resource. Teen Mental Health lists more than a dozen useful resources for parents and teens.

relationships

When Denis Met Patty

Adam Shell and Nicholas Kraft are traveling the country to find our nation’s happiest people, all while filming the experience to share with audiences inPursuing Happiness, a feature-length documentary. One of my favorite stories to tell about the 'Pursuing Happiness methodology' is how a delicious cookie in Eugene, Oregon led us to Silverhill, Alabama, population 700, where we met two extremely inspiring folks. From bakery to backwoods Our last filming trip was all plotted out: 20 days on the road, from Oklahoma City to Miami, with interviews and accommodations lined up. Everything was set for a fantastic and productive trip, save for the two days we planned to spend in Mobile, Alabama. For weeks I had been contacting local businesses, religious groups, nonprofits and even a local gospel radio station, all in the hopes of finding a lead about happy people to interview in the area—but I kept coming up short. In the middle of our frantic outreach efforts, Adam and I took a minute to reflect on the fact that one year earlier, we had begun our Pursuing Happiness journey. We reminisced about the first trip—the wonderful people, the excitement of the unknown and those awesome cookies from The Sweet Life Bakery in Eugene. Then it hit me! I rushed to our files, pulled up the footage from the bakery and scrubbed through until I found Leda, one of the bakers. After confirming that she was indeed wearing a BAMA hat, I wrote her an email to inquire if she was from the area, or had simply attended school there. It turned out that she was from a small town called Silverhill, in the Mobile area! According to her email, we would be fools to pass up the opportunity to spend some time there with two of the happiest people on the planet: her parents, Denis and Patty Hermecz. Leda described them as a “daily inspiration” and “the two most creative people I’ve ever met.” What really caught my attention, though, was her acknowledgment that it was only in her adult years that she realized how unusual their lifestyle was: self-employed artists, raising a family and living off the land. I was intrigued. Mobile was out,Silverhill was in! Country living The sun had set as we cruised through winding country roads on our way to Denis and Patty’s home, the kind of place where the nearest neighbors are a mile down the road, and a trip to the grocery store takes 15-minutes. We traveled deeper into the woods until we reached a small, very colorful wooden home, nestled in the trees, and surrounded by potted plants and handmade artwork. “You’re just in time for dinner,” Denis exclaimed, greeting us at the end of the driveway. “We’re makin’ pizzas!” Within minutes of meeting, we were all seated around the dining table, enjoying pizza with every ingredient, from the dough to the toppings, made from scratch—most of it grown right there on their property. The home, which was also made from scratch by Denis and Patty, was the focal point of our visit. The couple had moved in close to forty years ago, before the home was even finished. “There were no doors or windows, really,” they laughed. The home beautifully represents who they are: funky, comfortable and slightly askew. The floor is made from a reclaimed roller skating rink, the foundation was salvaged telephone poles and a great deal of the wood had been collected after various hurricanes ripped through Mobile. Denis and Patty have a special ability to take whatever comes their way and turn it into something beautiful. The next morning we woke up to find that Denis had whipped up a batch of biscuits as big as our heads. To these he added fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon from a pig they had probably known by name, and eggs from their chickens. Afterward we toured the property and saw the wood shop that Denis had built for his carpentry business. The shop was filled with incredible pieces of furniture that he had built or was in the process of building. It was truly amazing to see how an artist’s eye could turn a fallen tree into such beautiful works of functional art. Afterward we walked along the stream that meanders behind their home and simply enjoyed the fresh air and country sounds: birds, the rippling of the stream, and the wind flowing through the trees overhead. It was their own paradise: privacy, a personal swimming hole and enough space to let the dogs run free. Living with purpose, not expectations Before leaving, we sat outside with Denis and Patty, soaking up the sun and enjoying the smells of lunch roasting on the barbecue. We pulled out our cameras for a more formal sit-down interview. As we listened to their stories, there was something familiar about that scene, though I couldn’t place it at the moment. Only upon returning to Los Angeles and watching the footage did it hit me: This was our When Harry Met Sally interview! An older married couple sitting next to one another, lovingly recounting their life together with the natural humor that comes from years of being with someone. These two were clearly not concerned with being happy—for them it was a natural byproduct of living off the land, creating art, caring for animals and raising a family. An appreciated byproduct, I’m sure, but not the goal. Denis and Patty beautifully exemplified what we had learned during our very first interview with professor Iris Mauss at UC Berkeley, who had written a paper about how the pursuit of happiness can make people unhappy. “People set their expectations too high” and then are disappointed, she told us. “Having low expectations leads to happiness.” At first, this was a rather grim thought. Who would ever want to have low expectations in life? But spending time with people like Denis and Patty – people who are motivated to live peaceful lives, create art and foster lasting relationships simply out of the joy of the experience—has shown me that it’s not about having low expectations so much as it is about operating from a place of good intention and reasonable expectations.

Positive Psychology

The Promise of Positive Education

A 2011 University of Pennsylvania study followed 300 students through a year of middle school, measuring their good and bad feelings (depression, positiveemotion, life satisfaction) and how teachers rated their classroom behavior.The study found negative emotions (depression and anxiety) did not predict academic achievement, but positive emotions actually did. Students in the positive group had higher grades thatkept increasing the next year.In particular, researchers concluded, character strengths are the “mostpromising lever for increasing academic achievement.”The most promising leverNot your GPA. Not whether you can ace standardized tests. Not your IQ.Not whether you come from a two-parent home, listened to Baby Mozartas an infant and spent your Saturdays at museums. Not how many homes youbuilt for Habitat for Humanity or hoursyou practiced basketball on an actualcourt instead of in front of an Xbox.Now, let’s not ignore those typicalmeasures, as some of them may beindicative of character strengths. If youare in the top 5 percent of your class,scored a 2100 on your SAT, or are thestar player on your basketball teambecause you get up at 6 a.m. every dayto practice, it’s likely you are resilient…or “gritty” as researchers say.Grit is just one of many characterstrengths positive psychologyresearchers are focused on these days,but it seems to be the one gaining themost headlines.It owes much of its newfound fame toAngela Duckworth, Ph.D., an associateprofessor of psychology at Penn Stateand a 2013 recipient of the MacArthurFoundation “genius” grant for herresearch on grit and self-control as traitsthat predict success.Angela is co-developer of the “GritSurvey,” a 22-statement evaluationthat is quite predictive of futuresuccess with questions like “I do notalways finish what I begin” and “I amdoggedly persistent.” The test measuresperseverance for long-term goals andcan predict grade success at selectiveuniversities, retention at elite military academies (better than the U.S. MilitaryAcademy at West Point’s own tests) andranking in a national spelling bee.Angela’s mentor is Martin E.P.Seligman, Ph.D., who took psychologyin a completely different directionas the founder of “positive psychology,”studying what makes people happyinstead of what makes them need Prozac.“[Angela’s] notion of grit seems toencompass—to varying degrees—thecharacter of perseverance, self-regulation,zest, curiosity and hope,” says MarkLinkins, consultant for educationalpractices at the Values in Action Instituteon Character in Cincinnati. “It seemsthat grit is the nearest thing we have to a‘secret sauce’ for success. When we lookat the list of those who have achieved great success… in their respective fields, it is evidence that talent alone doesn’texplain much.“Grit is what sustains dedication to atask across time. Without that sustaineddedication, we may have bursts ofinspiration and creativity, but such shortbursts only rarely create anything oflasting value.”Grit researchJane Gillham, Ph.D., co-director of thePenn Resiliency Project, contributeda chapter on resilience to the Oxford Handbook of Happinessreleased inJanuary2013. She reports thatAngela and Martin’s research in2005 found that self-discipline wasa stronger predictor of adolescents’grades than their IQ. She also notes that research from 2009 by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health ServicesAdministration showed programs thatteach coping, problem-solving skillsand social competence also improvedspecific academic cognitive skills,grades, standardized testing scoresand graduation rates.In addition, she found that two-thirds of U.S. adults thinkschools should educate studentson their social, emotional andbehavioral needs.“When people think about resilience,”Jane writes, “major adversities typicallycome to mind. For example, the childwho performs well in school and whodevelops close connections to others, despite enduring years of abuse andneglect. The process of resilience isalso reflected in positive adaptation in response to everyday stresses (conflicts with peers, low marks in school) andcommon life transitions (the birth of asibling, the break-up of a relationshipduring adolescence).”Jane advocates integrating lessonson grit and resiliency in schools—notjust as a by-the-way mention by a well intentionedteacher, but explicitly as partof the curriculum.Gregory Park, a post-doctoral fellowstudying positive psychology at theUniversity of Pennsylvania, recentlypublished a white paper on wellbeingand achievement that draws heavily fromthe research by Martin and Angela.Gregory discusses the perseverancepiece of the predictive puzzle: “Inparticular, the strengths of self controland perseverance are powerfulpredictors of many of the desired outcomes from students, inside andoutside of the classroom. These nonintellectualstrengths are related tothe capacity to delay gratification andsustain effort through difficult tasks.”Martin and Angela’s researchshows self-control and perseverancepredict grades, absences, at-homestudy habits, classroom conduct andhomework completion.So why isn’t resiliency a class just likegeometry? Some schools are workingon that.Austin ISDLast Halloween, a huge section ofAustin, Texas, was flooded. Five peopledied; 8,500 homes lost power; morethan 500 homes were damaged; and Perez Elementary School closed fortwo days.When the school reopened Mondaymorning, counselors were on-siteto help the kids process what hadhappened. The district’s Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) coach wasthere, too.Sherrie Raven, director of thedistrict’s SEL department, remembersthe students telling stories about howthey waited on top of their houses forboats to rescue them.“The kids were able to say, ‘I was really scared but I used my deep breathsto calm down’ or ‘I used my self-talk to say I’m going to be OK, I can staycalm,’ ” Sherrie says. “It’s one of thebest examples I’ve seen of the resiliencethat we’ve helped build in these kids.They had the grit and self-awareness tosay, ‘I’m going to be OK. I’m not goingto panic.’ These are little guys, and theyhave that language.”Now, language isn’t better grades.But this is evidence to Sherrie thather program is on the right track.And research looking at 213 SEL programs (250,000 students) agrees.Gregory writes that when resilience is taught in the classroom, grades and standardized testscores increased by 11 percent.Positive social behaviors and attitudesabout school, self and others increased9 percent. Andadolescent depression, anxiety andconduct problems decreased by 9 percent.Research from SEL and the PennResiliency Program (a school-basedintervention that is an offshoot of theuniversity’s resiliency research) has shown that“school-based interventions can havereal, lasting effects on student wellbeing,”Gregory writes.SEL centers on five guiding principles:self-awareness, self-management,social awareness, relationship skills andresponsible decision-making.From elementary through high schoolAustin ISD, the academic home to87,000 students, is among the first publicschool districts in the nation to bringSEL into the school day. The departmentopened in July 2011 and beganintroducing SEL into its vertical teamstructures (elementary schools that feedinto middle schools, which feed intohigh schools). The five vertical teamsleft will be included within the next twoschool years.The first two high schools tointegrate the SEL curriculum in Austinhad a very clear reason why: One had11 deaths on its campus within a year—some natural, some accidental, somesuicides. The other had seen promisingstudents drop out of college aftergraduation because they didn’t havethe grit to continue, “the ability to say,‘That really sucked but I can move on,’ ” as Sherrie describes it.Rudolph “Keeth” Matheny is anSEL instructional coach at one of thoseschools, Austin High School. Here’s one of his grit lessons: Take a piece of paperand draw a big square. Divide that intoquarters. Divide those into quarters.How many squares to you have?“The non-gritty say 16 and put theirheads down,” Keeth says. “Kids who aregritty see the whole thing is a square,so 17. And I guess each of the boxes is asquare, so 21. Then there’s a square inthe middle, so 22. Then each side hasfour more, so 26. There are three-by-three squares, four of those, so thereare 30.“I give a prize to the kid who findsthe 30 squares.Was it intelligence that enabled this student to see how many squares there were? Was it that he knew the answer? No. What caused him to accomplish this task differently than everybody else in the room? The answer is he persevered. He was willing to challenge himself to push through to find more squares. That’s what grit is.” More than 200 teachers have visited Austin ISD’s SEL program in the past year, observing what teachers like Keeth are doing. SELs don’t call such lessons “character,” as Martin, Angela and other researchers do. But the life lessons are quite similar.“We have a lesson in kindergartenon how we feel feelings in our bodies.Anger feels different than embarrassed,”Sherrie says. “In middle school, we havelessons about whether bullying can everbe an accident. In high school, we talkabout setting goals and making plans.All along the way, you have lessons inmanaging your own emotions. How do you handle anger, disappointment?How do you keep going? How do you joina group on the playground? How do youuse self-talk to keep going on somethingthat’s hard?”That’s where the grit comes in.“Your classroom teacher can say inmath class, ‘When I get to a problemthat makes me really want to give up, I really have to use some self-talk to say:‘I know how to do this. I can do this,’ ”Sherrie says. “Having the classroomteachers introduce the curriculumreally lets us work on that integration of learning throughout the school.”Austin’s goal is to eventually have“self-talk” on the day’s agenda, just likefractions. For now, though, the skills are woven into traditional academic lessonsas they are written by theSELteam.For example, while working on a scienceexperiment, students are instructed towork on making sure everybody gets aturn to talk. At the end of the lesson,students are asked to rate themselves ona scale of 1 to 5 on how they did withletting everyone talk and are asked torate their groups.“We make it visible,” Sherrie says.Resilience at KIPPTrinity Mann is in her second year at theKIPPInfinityMiddle School in New York City. The sixth-grade student struggledat her previous magnet school, so much sothat her confidencewas shaken, says hermom, Nicole.“If she would take a test and felt she gotone wrong, she was defeated,” Nicole says.“And for the rest of the test, even if sheknew the material, she’d already given up.”Nicole called it Trinity’s need to “snapback.” The Knowledge Is Power Program(KIPP) calls it her grit.Dave Levin and Mike Feinberg foundedKIPPin a Houston public school classroomof 47 kids in 1994. Today,KIPPis a publiccharter school with 141 campuses nationwide,serving 50,000 students in 20 states andWashington, D.C.KIPProlled out a morestructured character strength program inNew York City in 2009.KIPPfocuses on the seven characterstrengths Dave developed with Angelaand Chris Peterson, Ph.D.: grit,zest, self-control, social intelligence,gratitude, optimism and curiosity.Trinity has lessons in grit onTuesdays and Thursdays. But she usesthose lessons every day, according toher mother, who says she’s seen an 80to 90 percent improvement in Trinity’sability to snap back since she startedattendingKIPPInfinity. She shows gritin everything from math to dance.When Trinity was in the fifthgrade,she told her nonfictionteacher atKIPP she didn’t feel confident about her classwork. “He pushed me to dobetter, and I actually made a goodgrade,” she says. “And that wasmy goal.”Why is grit important to her?Because she wants to get into a topcollege, not just a college. That’s just what Dave had in mind back when hecreated the character program.“We always said our mission wascharacter and academic skills for collegeand life,” Dave says. “Anyone who spendsany time teaching or with kids knowsthat issues like self-control and grit andgratitude are important things to talk tokids about. Yet, we really didn’t know thescience behind it.”That was until Dave met Martinand Angela. “We’re working on goingbeyond the language of grit and lookingat the actual behaviors associated with it….I think that reallyclarifiesfor people what grit really means,” Dave says.KIPP focuses on fivegrit-specific behaviors: finishwhat you begin,stick with an activity for more than afew weeks, try hard after failure, staycommitted to goals and keep workinghard, even when you feel like quitting.“What you’re really trying to get kids to do is understand that there are repeatable behaviors that they can do to be gritty,” he says. “You’re alsotrying to work with teachers on how to structure your classroom and yourschools to create situations where kidsget to do these repeatable behaviors.For example, do students haveenough structure to sustain rigorous,independent practice in class—timeby themselves or with another student,working independent of a teacher—tokeep going?”Specific to Angela’s research,KIPPschools are asking teachers to increasethe amount of independent practicewithin their lessons and to work onbuilding stamina for reading.“That requires workingindependently with focus, not givingup when you get frustrated,” Daveexplains. “We’re intentionally teachingkids strategies to build their stamina,while, as the kids get older, we’reteaching them short- and long-termgoal-setting. When kids receive theirtests back in, say, math class, some ofour teachers are having kids creategoals for the next week: ‘How am Igoing to study for next week’s test?What am I going to do differently?’"VIA Institute onCharacterMartin’s work with VIA resultedin the classification of 24 characterstrengths.KIPP narrowed the 24 down to the ones with the strongest correlation toacademic achievement. VIA’s approach is similar, but focuses on the concept of “signature strengths.” “Each of us has a unique constellation of strengths,” VIA consultant Mark explains. “How can we help each student and teacher understand their own strengths profile? How do they use that profile to learn, achieve, connect with others? Ourapproach is respecting the individualcontent of each person’s character andshining a light on that.”The Newark Boys Chorus School,Shanghai American School and BellaVista Elementary School have usedVIA’s character strength approach.Jennifer Fisher, who taught first grade at Shanghai’s American Schoolwhen the school introduced VIAcharacter strengths into the curriculum,started the conversation during readingtime, highlighting strengths in thepicture book’s characters: “A word like‘perseverance,’ it’s a very big word. Butif you explain it to them and that itmeans you keep trying and you don’t give up, they’ll remember theword—‘perseverance.’ ”Mark doesn’t necessarily thinkgrit is more important for academicachievement today than it was 50 years ago. Students today facedifferent challenges. “While I think the ‘grit formula’ hasalways been in play, it may have greaterrelevance for students today simplybecause the opportunities to make one’smark seem to be somewhat more limitedthan they were at one time, due totechnology, a shrinking workforce, etc.,”he says. “When competition increases,perhaps grit becomes a more valuablecommodity. From an evolutionarystandpoint, this certainly makes sense.”Can You Make KidsMore—or Less—Gritty?Resilience education, as taught throughthe Penn Resiliency Program, focuseson six strengths: emotional competence,self-control, problem-solving anddecision-making, social awareness,social competence, self-efficacy andrealistic optimism.Gregory’s research indicates resiliencyis at least malleable, “making it a primetarget for interventions.”“The breadth of places where grit hasproved impactful is really incredible,”Dave says. “There are differentchallenges faced at different ages inpeople of different backgrounds, butsome of these character skills remain thesame. The frustrations and challengesaffluent kids or low-income kids facemay look different from time to time,yet both sets of kids need to be ableto get over their frustrations, to workindependently and focus. I think that’swhy Angela’s research is so powerfuland why so many people are so into itright now.”Are overly involved “helicopterparents” parenting in a way that’s counterproductive to the importance of developing grit in their kids? Maybe.“One way to think about it thatI share with parents and teachers isthat it is always safe to fail around thework kids are doing,” Dave says. “It isalways safe for kids to make mistakesin the essay they’re writing or the mathproject they’re doing or when learning to play the piano or violin. Mistakes areactually there for learning.”Sherrie agrees: “It is critical we teachthe kids, ‘You can do this yourself.’ ”In April, Austin ISD’s Keethspoke at a congressional hearing inWashington, D.C., hosted by theCommittee for Children on the topic ofteaching character strengths like grit inschool. His goal was not for parents towish their kids were in his classroom,but that his lessons were in everystudent’s classroom.“Everybody is all about the commoncore, math scores, biology scores,” hesays. “They don’t realize that it’s lessonslike this—like grit and mindset—thatmake all of those things better. Whenyou teach a kid to persevere, that you’renot born with math skills, that kidachieves way more. And that’s whenscores go up.”

relationships

6 Tips That Help Me Be the Parent I Want to Be

We all want to be calm,cheerful, light-hearted andfun-loving for our families.But in the tumult of everyday life,it’s easy to fall short. In those times,remember this: Though you can’tmake your children happy—they haveto figure it out for themselves—youcan influence your family’s happiness.Here are just a few strategies Iuse to cultivate an atmosphere oflove and happiness at home:1. Get enough sleepIf I want to be cheerful, energetic andmentally sharp for my family, I have toget enough sleep. After always beingstrict with my daughters’ bedtimes,I realized that, like most adults, I needat least seven hours of sleep each nightto function at my highest level, and nowI work hard to meet that minimum.2. Get up earlyA few years ago, because I wanted acalmer, less hurried morning with myfamily, I started getting up earlier. Now,I get up an hour before my children,giving me a chance to work at my desk,have coffee and check email before it’stime to roust everyone out of bed.3. Instill outer order to create inner calmI find that when I take the time tohang up a coat or close a drawer,I feel more energetic and cheerful asI engage with my family. After I tackleclutter, I feel less hurried because I canfind and stow things easily. Havingmore order in my cabinets and closetsmakes me feel more energetic andcheerful as I engage with my family.4. Follow the 1-minute ruleIt’s simple: If I can accomplish a taskin less than a minute, I do it withoutdelay. If I can read and sign a letterfrom a teacher, answer an email,look for the scissors, I go aheadand do it. Because the tasks are soquick, it isn’t hard to make myselffollow the rule—but it makes me feelmore serene, less overwhelmed.5. Give warm greetings and farewellsThe way we act toward one anothershapes the way we feel about oneanother, so my family follows aresolution: Give warm greetingsand farewells. Every time one of us comes or goes, we go to the door andgive that person a kiss, a hug anda real moment of our attention.6. Remember to cherish todayI’m reminded of something the writerColette said: “What a wonderful life I’vehad! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”When I feel overwhelmed or annoyedby parenting responsibilities, I remind myself that one day, I’ll look back on thisseason of my life with great nostalgia.How about you? What strategiesdo you use to help yourself be thekind of parent you want to be? Let us know in the Comments section, below, or on our Facebook page.GRETCHEN RUBIN is the best-selling author of The Happiness Projectand Happier at Home, and is currently working on her latest book, Before and After, scheduled for release in 2015. She is considered one of the most influential writers on happiness today, and has become an in-demand speaker and keynoter.Gretchen has also made appearances on the Today show, CBS Sunday Morning and Booknotes. You can readabout Gretchen’s adventures in the pursuit of happiness and habits on her blog at GretchenRubin.com.

relationships

10 Ways to Build Community

We all thrive from connection—whether it’s with family, friends or neighbors. Creating a network of friendly relationships in your neighborhood can give you a greater feeling of belonging and wellbeing. Working together to create a tighter-knit community makes you feel like you are part of something bigger than yourself. Here are nine simple ideas to get you started:1. Step outside your front door. Sometimes, you have to leave your house to make things happen, but you don’t have to go far. Casual encounters are sometimes the best kind. Meet neighbors while getting your mail, planting flowers or weeding out front. Tinker in your garage with the door open, or just hang out on your front porch or lawn. Try walking to a nearby business instead of driving, when possible, and you're more likely to run into others on the way.2. Front yard fun.Pretend your front yard is your backyard, and focus your leisure and play activities out there. Put your picnic table or lawn chairs out front and hang out; as you read or watch the world go by, people will stop to chat and introduce themselves. If you have kids, host a lemonade stand on a hot day. Not only will you meet more neighbors, your kids will also earn a few bucks.3. Host a block party or neighborhood potluck.Pick a date and time and distribute a flier for a neighborhood cookout, potluck or party. Everyone can participate and share in the hosting. Have your cookout at a common area like a nearby park or a clubhouse—or on your own front lawn, if that works. It’s not a new idea, but it’s still one of the nicest way to meet your neighbors on a positive footing.4. Plant a community garden.If you have a common grassy area or someone who is willing to donate part of their land, you can create a community garden where lots of hands, big and little, can create something beautiful together. Often a neighbor with some gardening knowledge can take charge, or you might hire someone from the local nursery to come tutor you and get things started.5. Establish a book-lending cupboard.Imagine a tiny little library in a neighborhood park. A library cupboard typically looks like a big mailbox with a clear glass door and books inside. Leave a book, take a book. Check out LittleFreeLibrary.org to get started.6. Start a tool lending library. See if your community library can donate a space that you can turn it into atool sharing center. Neighbors can donate used tools, and if possible, get donations from local hardware and home stores. Need a tiller, a chainsaw, a snow-blower or a tall ladder? Instead of every household stocking its own stash of power tools, make it a shared community resource. 7. Create a neighborhood social media page. Private neighborhood Facebook pages were becoming so popular that the idea spawned its own company, Nextdoor.com. This electronic bulletin board allows people to share recommendations for everything from preschool to refrigerator repair; find the home of a lost dog, or share information about your upcoming garage sale. According to the company, 70 new neighborhoods launch a neighborhood website every day in the US. Volunteer to start it up or be the facilitator.8. Organize a neighborhood garage sale. Pick out a time and place, announce it on your neighborhood social media and on cardboard signs, and get together to bond with neighbors over old lamps and baby strollers.9. Give a warm welcome.See a new neighbor move in? Pop by with a fruit basket, cookies or bottle of wine and a welcoming note. It’s a great way to actually meet, instead of waving blankly across the driveway. As a bonus, it puts you in a better position, should you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar or have someone water your plants while you’re away.10. Ask yourself how you can be a better neighbor. If you set out to be a fabulous neighbor you can set a positive tone for your community and others will follow. Look out for elderly neighbors by checking in on them occasionally or bringing them something from the store. Pick up the mail or newspaper for a neighbor who is traveling, or shovel a neighbor’s driveway in the winter if they are unable to do it themselves. Even just smiling and waving when you pass someone in the street has the cumulative effect of warming up the neighborhood.

Stones balanced on a hand in front of ocean

relationships

3 Simple Questions That Could Change Your Life

When you’re focused mainly on one area of your life, itcan be exhausting. We’ve been there. When we were writing Profit from the Positive, though our work was thriving, we noticed thatboth of us took hits in other areas of our lives. For Senia, it was her health.For Margaret, it was her social life.We know that to live a truly happyand fulfilling life, we need to payattention to the domains that make itup, including work (career and money),a social life (family, friends and fun)and health (physical and emotional).The right balance can change your lifeAnd we’re not alone. Professors Laura Nash, Ph.D., and HowardStevenson, Ph.D., interviewed everyonefrom high-ranking executives to stay-at-home parents and found that themost successful people are those whodo well at work, in their communitiesand at home. In the Harvard BusinessReview, Laura and Howard wrote thatpeople with enduring success “havehigh achievement, multiple goals, theability to experience pleasure, theability to create positive relationshipsand a value on accomplishments that endure.” For these people—andus—success isn’t found by focusing on one area, whether it’s work, asocial life or health. Rather, it happenswhen you have the right balance.With that in mind, and to restorebalance in our lives, we examined ourhealth, work and social lives askingourselves three questions, so we couldidentify which areas could use someimprovement and then make conscious,intentional choices. This is somethingwe do with our clients in our coachingsessions, and now, in 10 minutes,you can do it, too.Ask yourself:1. On a scale of 0 to 10, how satisfied am I with my health, my social life and my work?You don’t need a 10 in each category;the goal is for you to simply becomeaware of how the three areasinterrelate.What do you notice?Think of this step like starting anew fitness routine. You don’t walk intothe gym and jump on the first piece ofexercise equipment you see. No, you assess your current fitness level andstrengths first, and then you determinewhat areas you need to work on. It’s thesame here. If you want to improve yourlife, you need a big-picture view first.2. What would each area of my life look like if it were a perfect 10?Explore the ideas that you may nothave seriously considered before. Many of us live in a cycle of work, home and perhaps a little play. We don’t step back and dream of whatwe would love to do because we’retoo caught up in the day-to-day.Laura King, Ph.D., a Universityof Missouri psychology professor,found that writing about what youhope to accomplish boosts positivefeelings about the future, increasesyour belief in yourself and leads toself-fulfilling prophecies.In ourcoaching, we ask our clients to eitherspeak about or write down what theyreally hope to accomplish. Similarly,sports psychologists train athletes tovisualize a successful match, gameor play. So why not apply one or bothof these methods to your own life?3. What can I do to improve my scores and make my dreams a reality?Connect your social life with yourhealth by taking a class with friends orjoining a hiking club. Have workinglunches with colleagues or turnyour next one-on-one meeting intoa walk-and-talk. Start a wellbeingchallenge in your office—how manymiles can you walk as a team?Once you have your plan in place,every three months or so share yourscores, dreams and actions with afriend over a nice dinner. Make itfun, celebrate your small wins andkeep each other honest. Remember,these questions give you a snapshotover time, so your scores willlikely change. They did for us.After we went through this process,we both took actions toward creatingbetter balance in our lives.Making small steps to improve your balanceForSenia, this meant taking up eight-minute high-intensity workouts andexercising almost every morning.Margaret declared 2014 her year ofsocializing. She has already hostedtwo dinner parties and planned tripsand events for the rest of the year.This is really about stepping backand examining our lives so that wecan start to see them clearly. We’verealized our time is a finite resource;whereas our energy can expand andcontract. So, when you keep yourwork, health and social life ignited at a balance that’s right for you, youcan create swells of energy and livea happier, more fulfilling life.

relationships

3 Steps to a Brighter Day

It's easy to put yourself in a funk or emotional space that works against you. When this happens to me, I do three things:1. I acknowledge my feelings.I don't sugarcoat them—I take full responsibility for how I’m feeling at that moment.2. I decide to do something about it.It’s a well-known, well-researched fact: Exercising gives your mood a boost. I work out to get more oxygen in my system and to stimulate my brain. I may take a walk, ride my bike—whatever. I know, though, that 10 minutes will make a difference.3. I engage my soul.Gratitude is fuel for the soul, and it’s the ultimate emotional tonic for sustained wellbeing. So when I’m feeling down, I think of things I’m deeply grateful for: I am so very thankful for this wonderful day, this moment right now. I am truly blessed by the love I receive from my family, friends and co-workers.I hope you can feel the appreciation and love I am transmitting to you, wherever you are.Today is your day—make it a great one!Kym Yancey is CEO and Co-founder of Live Happy.

Volunteering

Adventures on Two Wheels

Before going on a bike ride with Trips for Kids, many of trip leader Michael Rogers' young riders had never been to the ocean.These are teens and tweens from Oakland, Calif., a city located directly on the Pacific Ocean, mind you. Some of them have views of the San Francisco Bay right from their bedroom windows. But they'd never seen it in person: dazzling sand, vivid blue water, waves foaming and breaking in a way that that's far more immense and awe-inspiring than it looks on TV or a movie screen."Talk about something that can transform you," says Michael, a perpetually smiling man with a head of springy blond curls. "No one ever thought to take them there. They never thought to walk there or take the bus. But once we take them on a bike, they know there's something amazing practically in their own backyards that they can go to any time."Biking for changeTrips for Kids is an international nonprofit with more than 80 chapters in the U.S., Canada, Israel and Sierra Leone that leads mountain biking trips for at-risk kids. The most active chapter is the Marin/Bay Area location, where Marilyn Price kicked the program off in 1988. Marilyn estimates the Marin chapter takes 1,600 kids ages 9 to 17 a year on rides. They are referred to the organization by schools and social service agencies who are trying to keep these young people on the right track.Michael, an intrepid bicyclist who leads trips five days a week, says something magic happens when he coaches a group of teens through hair-raising trails."When I'm working with older kids, I want them to explore the boundaries of physical exhaustion and where it meets with euphoria," says Michael. "When you push yourself to do something dangerous you've never done before, it makes you feel things you haven't felt before."Nature is nurturingHarvard Medical School professor of psychiatry Dr. John Ratey, author of Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brainand forthcoming book Go Wild, tends to agree.He says that exercise in any form increases the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, activates endorphins, and encourages the production of BDNF, an important protein that John calls "Miracle-Gro for the brain." BDNF is also intimately bound up with depression: The less your brain has to work with, the more likely you are to be depressed."And then when you're cycling, particularly mountain biking, you're using your sense of balance, and alertness, you're varying your speed, you're watching what's ahead, what's on your side," says Dr. Ratey. "It all leads to a very active brain. And when the brain is active, it releases all those chemicals that make you smile."The group that rides together, confides togetherYes, there is that, Michael agrees. But there's something else, too. The riders are facing the (mild) danger of their rides together, screaming out encouragement, high-fiving when they all make it to the bottom of the hill together."If a kid falls they might laugh, but if someone's having trouble getting up a hill, everyone claps and says 'Go, go, go! You can do it!' And they always do! Having that kind of support, being with a group of people, working hard on something, and then making it happen -- I can't think of a better metaphor for life: You put in the hard work of getting to the top, and then there's the long, amazing ride down."The teens and tweens talk about things on the rides, too, says Michael. Personal things. Things they may not be able to tell the kids they know at school, or their parents. They connect, and learn that many of them share the same problems."It's all very natural; the kids don't even realize they're getting fed information about making better choices," says Michael.Open your psycheParents who have noticed they have great conversations with the kids while driving would agree: There's something special about talking with other people while you're not staring each other in the eye. When you're both engaged in something taking part of your concentration, the pressure's off to fill awkward silence. Interesting things emerge."And so the Trips for Kids riders befriend each other in this easy, simple way, while at the same time connecting with nature as well as their own psyches.And these bike riding bonding experiences can be monumental and even life-changingevents for adult as well as kids. As Barb Chamberlain, the executive director of Spokane bike advocacy organization Washington Bikes, wrote in a recent series about how cycling every day changed her life:"Adults don’t have many playgrounds: Places in which to hang out with a stranger side by side, testing the same new experience or challenge, and starting to talk with each other or help each other out, thus easing into a new relationship. In grade school that swing set or tetherball encounter might launch a lifelong friendship simply through the shared activity that gives you time to talk and get to know each other.""When you're on a bike, you're free. Not just free, but unbound," says Michael, a faraway look in his eye. "There's nothing between you and the wind and the air. It's exhilarating. It's like nothing else."Interested in volunteering or learning more about biking for fitness, friendship or philanthropy? Trips for Kids has chapters all over the country. And many metropolitan areas have community-based cycling organizations, such asAtlanta's Beltline Bike Shop or Seattle's Bike Works.Joyce Slatonis a freelance writer who lives in San Francisco. She blogs regularly for Babycenter.com.

Self-Care

The Healing Horse

Wooden fence pickets form a square surrounding a barrel. A brown-and-white paint horse moves along the perimeter, gently exploring the pickets with its muzzle. Before long, he’s nudging and gnawing at the wood. Soon, the horse has removed any barrier the barrel once had. The horse’s non-verbal communication and reflective nature allow for self-discovery and awareness in the moment. By telling their story through the animals, those suffering from emotional distress can find solutions, free from bias and judgment. When a horse representing recovery rests its head on the shoulder of a proud soldier, the message is: “It’s OK to heal. I’m safe and recovery is my friend.” Symbolism is important in equine-assisted psychotherapy, and everything is a potential metaphor. “Metaphors heal, enrich and transform our lives,” says psychologist Annie Ricalde. “They capture the essential and natural experience.” Developed by the Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association, the EAGALA model involves the free movement of horses and humans in a holistic, peaceful setting. Sessions are solution-focused and facilitated by a licensed mental health expert as well as a qualified equine specialist. Recently, the PEACE Ranch in Traverse City, Mich., collaborated with the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) on a pilot program introducing veterans with posttraumatic stress disorder to the EAGALA model. The program resulted in a significant reduction of symptoms in most of the participants and a clinical reduction in half. Because of the treatment’s effectiveness, the VA is referring more veterans to facilities offering EAGALA sessions, many free of charge. The calming interaction with the horse affects other areas of their lives, making the veterans self-aware, present and hopeful for the future.

I Am Happy!

Teen Angst or Teen Anguish?

When Denis Met Patty

The Promise of Positive Education

6 Tips That Help Me Be the Parent I Want to Be

3 Simple Questions That Could Change Your Life

3 Steps to a Brighter Day

Adventures on Two Wheels

The Healing Horse

Store

Articles

Quick Links