Use These 4 Powerful Tools to Overcome Shame

Use These 4 Powerful Tools to Overcome Shame

When I got divorced, I felt like I had a flashing scarlet “D” on my forehead. My father mourned, asking, “What am I supposed to tell my friends?” When I went for an appointment at a new doctor’s office, they actually checked “D” on my paperwork. And dating? Forget it. I was now damaged goods. It seemed I couldn’t escape the stigma of failure tethered to my ankle. D for defective. D for defeated. D for desperate dud, doomed to damnation. I was only 26 years old, and yet I felt certain that this veil of shame would haunt me for the rest of my life. (D for dramatic?) That’s the thing about shame: It crawls through your veins, constricts your heart and leaves you curled up in a ball afraid to face the world. Unworthy of connection According to researcher Brené Brown, Ph.D., shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Sadly, we all experience shame, and it’s killing our happiness. Maybe you think of yourself as a lousy mother because you can’t bake, the laundry isn’t done, and you rarely make it on your kids’ field trips. Maybe you label yourself a fat, ugly loser because you haven’t lost those last 20 pounds, and now you’re avoiding the pool. Maybe you’re berating yourself for speaking up at last week’s staff meeting and now you’re dreading seeing your boss. Or maybe shame tells you that you deserve to be alone. Shame says, “I suck,” “I’m a loser,” or in the case of my divorce, “I’m a failure.” As mean as shame is, it does have a purpose. New research shows that our early ancestors adapted shame as an evolutionary advantage. Because we desperately want to belong, shame alerts us to stop a behavior that society devalues. We are social creatures, and we adopt shame as a way of keeping ourselves lovable, and part of the group. According to Dr. June Tangney, author of Shame in the Therapy Hour, shame is a “self-conscious emotion.” It forces us to self-reflect and self-evaluate. For example, growing up in the Midwest with parents who have been happily married for 50 years and grandparents who had been happily married for 68 years, I understood that divorce was for “losers.” The shame triggered by my divorce was an evolutionary response, in a sense, in order to stay safe and accepted within my family. Reaching out During my divorce, the more I called myself a failure, the more I withdrew, and the more I withdrew, the worse I felt. Finally I became desperate to find others who would understand what I was going through. I found an online message board for divorced women under 30 and began reading their stories. Eventually, I posted mine, and though I was terrified, it felt so good to connect with other women going through the same thing that I started responding to every post and eventually, I became the message board leader. I became so strong that I called my dad to heal our relationship and let him talk about his pain around the divorce. Our relationship improved. I began writing a book about young divorce and realized my marriage and divorce was a gift because it showed me that I have the courage to follow my heart, and it allowed me to understand so many women’s struggles. So here is the way to address shame: You’re not a “fat loser” and I'm not a failure. You gained weight. My marriage failed. And this distinction is important for healing, self-worth, connection and happiness. If you see yourself as the issue, you can become anxious, depressed and desolate. But when you separate yourself from a behavior or event, you isolate it as something you want to evaluate and change. The key is to turn shame on its head and use the experience for strength and courage. Allow it to be a trigger for empowerment, self-love and change. Here’s how: 1. Identify shame and diffuse it Shame likes to hide in dark, isolated corners. However, we all feel shame, we all struggle and many of us have experienced common struggles. So the key is to find someone and with whom you can speak safely about your shame with self-compassion and kindness—whether that is a friend, a therapist or an online community. Identify where you feel shame in your body. Your face may heat up, your chest may get tight or your belly may rumble. Feel the sensation of wanting to hide, but instead of doing so, lean into yourself with kindness and self-compassion. Bringing shame out of the dark diffuses it with love. 2. Learn how to cope with characteristics, behaviors and events that you find undesirable Once you know how to work with shame, you also can begin to work with your shame triggers. Get curious about your shame. What sets it off? Which (if any) of your inherent character traits cause you to feel self-loathing? Which of your life events do you keep hidden? Then ask yourself what fear is underneath the shame? What are you really afraid of? And how could you view these behaviors and events differently? With my divorce, I was afraid of being an outcast, and I had to face my inherent need for approval and perfection. So I began to work on my fear of imperfection and accept that not everyone will like or approve of me. By working to accept the triggers of shame, I became more accepting and loving with myself, keeping shame at bay. 3. Accept all of you You have shame because you are deeply embarrassed by some aspect of yourself, your situation or your behaviors. When you learn how to love your whole self—good and bad—you are able to drop judgment and shame. Each of us has parts of ourselves that we love and parts of ourselves that we dislike. A major key to happiness is to accept and love all of you. Each aspect of you has purpose—even the shadows. For example, I am more judgmental than I would like to be. While I used to be ashamed of this (and am still afraid to admit it here), it is true. My shame is that I want to be open and loving toward everyone, and instead I judge, which is a behavior I developed as a reaction against the world—in order to keep myself safe. So I can love the judgmental side of me knowing that it is trying to help. Your turn: On a piece of paper, write your favorite traits on the left side and least-favorite (shadows) on the right. Then write how each of your traits has helped you in some way. (The late Debbie Ford shares more on how to do this in her brilliant book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.) 4. Get support Finally, as June says, shame is underlying nearly all of our struggles. If you feel alone, are afraid, fear rejection, have trouble communicating with your spouse, feel stuck in your career, are lost or are afraid of following your dreams, you may well be harboring shame. Diffusing shame can be hard to do on your own and you may need some help in getting to the root of it—and more so, flipping it into empowering action going forward. Get support in working through your shame so that you can have the happy, thriving life you desire and deserve. Listen to our podcast: 5 Steps to a More Confident You With Carin Rockind. Read more by Carin Rockind: Nothing Compares to You and Face Failure Head On With These Essential Tools. Carin Rockind is a speaker, author and coach with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) from the University of Pennsylvania.
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Face down any challenge

Face Down Any Challenge With This Advice

On one of our first dates, we sat across the table from each other at a sushi restaurant in Chicago and shared stories of growing up in the midst of financial challenges. Shawn’s parents were educators in Waco, Texas, who struggled with credit card debts and as a result did not have enough money to pay for him to go to college. Michelle’s parents made it big with a computer consulting practice in Washington, D.C., before the recession caused them to lose their home. We are taught not to talk about such things. But if we don’t discuss our challenges, when we find ourselves in troubling times, we feel lost and lonely and cut off from help. These moments could be a source of bonding, healing and learning instead. Those childhood financial difficulties are the very reason we taught ourselves to be fiscally responsible and to save even when things are going well. We are grateful for those tough times as they made us who we are today. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Sometimes the stressful events that we run from are the same ones that cause us to develop the best and strongest parts of ourselves. In a study we conducted at five companies, including UBS, we found that approximately 90 percent of events that had the biggest positive impacts on people were also high-stress situations. In this study, research participants were asked to list five pivot points in their lives that changed them and made them who they are today. On average, 80 percent of those points were seemingly negative, including losing a job, failing on a project at work or getting dumped by an ex. This reminds us that not only can stressful events be beneficial, but also that we should rethink our knee-jerk responses of trying to avoid them in the first place. We need to stop running from discomfort. Too often we are afraid of what can happen if we take a leap or get out of our comfort zones. We stay stuck in dead-end jobs and toxic relationships. We figure the familiar everyday unhappiness is better than the possible calamitous result if we were to make a change. We run from the risk of unhappiness, and as a result we stay in a less desirable present. Face your challenges We have a Marine friend who takes pride in the fact that Marines run toward conflict while others flee. What we flee from we begin to fear more. Facing our own challenges and developing an empowered mindset can help us weather the storm better than a fear-based one. Just like a workout can be uncomfortable or even painful, the mental and physical benefits often make it worth it. If we don’t show up to the gym in the first place because we fear those negative feelings, we will never know what we are capable of. If we show up ready to tackle the workout, that makes it all go more smoothly. What are you fleeing from? If you’re facing something that is either making you unhappy now or threatening to do so, we encourage you to think through the following takeaways based on our research on people who run toward unhappiness and prevail. 1. Be conscious of the narrative: Your brain quickly constructs a story around events, and some of those narratives are helpful while others are not. Ask yourself what narrative you’ve derived from this unhappy experience. (Ideally you are looking for something that will serve you in the retelling and make you a better person.) Helpful stories include facts about what you’ve learned from the experience and how you’ve grown as a result. Identifying ways in which you actually benefited from the experience can help you move forward. 2. Identify with strength: You are probably a strong person or you would not have made it this far. At this point life has probably dealt you a handful of hard circumstances. List them and reflect on the strength you accessed (which you might not have been aware of at the time) to overcome them. By reminding your brain how strong you are, you bolster that positive resource, which you can then tap into to help you in the face of your current challenge. 3. Find support: We say this nearly every day: Social support is the greatest predictor of long-term happiness. To overcome stressful events, a few supportive people in your life can make all the difference. Even though your first instinct might be to hole up and go it alone, resist that urge. Reach out to trusted friends or family, or find a community of supportive people like a church group or AA. Since we all have our pivotal stories to share, knowing that you’re not alone as you go through a difficult time can make all the difference. For us, just learning that we both experienced financial troubles in childhood was incredibly bonding. That became yet one more benefit to having gone through those experiences in the first place—and the start of a beautiful relationship! SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with over 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success and the author of Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national news anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.
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Pound fitness helps teen

Pound it Out

Five years ago, when a car rammed into the vehicle that Sarah Knobloch was riding in, it dramatically changed—nearly ended—the then-15-year-old’s life. “She was in a coma, and the doctors told us to start thinking about organ donation,” recalls her mother, Caroline Knobloch. “We weren’t ready for that.” Doctors weren’t sure how long she would survive or, if she did, how well she would recover. The accident left her with severe brain and spinal cord injuries, and the coma lasted 20 days. In addition to Sarah’s unwavering positive attitude, her mother credits her recovery to two things: music and movement. “Early on, the doctors said we could bring music into her hospital room,” Caroline says. “One of my friends is a music teacher who downloaded a bunch of classical music for us to play in her room. We always had music playing.” As Sarah remained hospitalized and slowly began to recover, music and exercise were mainstays of her daily program. “I like rap and hip-hop, so that’s what works best for me,” says Sarah, who, despite spending seven months in the Atlanta hospital, completed high school on time and is now studying to be an occupational therapy assistant. “The music helps me remember good times, and for someone with memory loss, that’s been really important.” Read more: Find Happiness in Your Headphones Researchers have found that music is effective for both physical and emotional healing because it engages all three areas of the brain: reptilian (body functions), limbic (memories and emotions) and the neocortex (language and consciousness). They’ve also learned that outcomes are better when hospitals use “patient preferred” music—even rap and metal can promote healing if it resonates with the patient. “I like listening to all styles of music,” Sarah says, “but listening to what I used to listen to has helped me the most.” Healing with a beat Earlier this year, Sarah learned about Pound, a program that uses specially weighted drumsticks to create a choreographed cardio workout. She implemented the workout into her regimen and says it has helped her retrain her brain for better balance and body movements. For Pound co-founder Kirsten Potenza, that’s pretty much the point. Although many seek it out for its fat-blasting, high-energy routines, Kirsten says a lot of science went into creating the drum-centric workout. Sure, it’s stress relieving to be able to beat bright green drumsticks on a yoga mat while listening to upbeat music, but the idea behind Pound goes beyond that. “There are a lot of studies showing the brain-boosting effects of drumming,” she says. “It improves focus, boosts the immune system, lowers chronic pain and improves decision-making skills. And, when you do it in a group, it’s even more powerful.” Pound has been called the new SoulCycle by many, and Kirsten says the thing the two workouts have in common is the way the music speaks to the heart and soul while moving and improving the body. “A lot of this is about the power of the music,” she says. “There’s something so powerful about being able to become part of the music. This isn’t about how your body looks or how you look doing it; this is about how it makes you feel. This is about making people happy.” Read more: What's Your Healing Rhythm? Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.
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Live Happy at Work – Content Packages

Live Happy offers customized content packages to serve your specific needs. Our battery of topics explored by expert teams deliver science-based, real-world facts and applications that enhance employee well-being and foster personal happiness that spills over into their work. Our customizable training and content packages can include: Training presentations and curriculum (materials for in-house training or featuringLive Happycontributors, writers, researchers):Since Live Happy has relationships with positive psychologists and researchers all over the world, we have been able to consolidate this research into 6 key practices that lead to a life and career filled with happiness and meaning:Attitude, Connection,Engagement & Mindfulness, Resilience, Meaning and Accomplishment. Each practice will be thoroughly but simply described with “action items” for each one—easy practices employees can do to start working their happiness muscle. Customized content:We can supply custom creative content for your email newsletters, company intranet, social media accounts and on-board trainings! We have articles, quizzes, video and audio interviews on a wide variety of happy and wellness-based topics. Training videos:We have access to trainings from many of positive psychologies top experts from simple trainings on gratitude to more complex in-depth information on developing character strengths. Learn about resilience, grit and the power of giving back, and how these skills can affect your authentic happiness. Let us customize a program specific for your company. Podcasts:Our#1 new and noteworthypodcastis educating, enlightening and entertaining. We can develop specific podcasts for your select audience, even interview your internal experts on how you promote happiness in the workplace. Many of our work- related podcasts come with digital work sheets that ask you to do actions after the training. Digital and/or print subscription toLive Happymagazine:Our award-winning magazine weaves the science of positive psychology through inspiring features, relatable stories and sage advice. Each issue is filled with content to assist and teach anyone how to develop a happier life. We also create a unique digital edition version of each issue that is mobile friendly and interactive. Videos:Happiness is a skill and can be taught, tracked, stretched,incentivizedand improved. Our partnernCourageoffers a series of short-form “how to” and “facts” videos that work on mindset conditioning in under 10 minutes a day. This easy, step-by-step improvement program uses stories and mental triggers that will help individuals create the happiest, most successful lives possible. App:Achieving a healthy state of physical fitness doesn’t happen overnight, so why would developing a positive mental lifestyle be any different? Consistency is the key. With theFeed Your Happy™ app, you can use the built-in reminder system to regularly condition yourself to deliberately, consciously focus on what’s going right in your life and participate in activities that strengthen your happiness skills. Illustrated quotes:We have a database of over1000 illustrated quotesthat we can customize with your brand. Annual employee participation event:In 2012 theUnited Nations established March 20 as the International Day of Happiness. Live Happy has created the largest awareness campaign of any organization and celebrates by posting giant orange Happiness Walls in cities across the United States during a month-long social engagement called #HappyActs. See what we’ve done! Visithappyacts.org.
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Rio Olympics 2016

At Rio Olympics, Athletes Go Beyond the Gold

Whether you’re in training to become the next Michael Phelps or Gabby Douglas or gearing up for a work presentation or weekend 10K, there’s much to learn from the way Olympic athletes prepare for the biggest competition in their lives—and we’re not talking about endless laps in the pool or drills on the balance beam. Turns out, Olympians have a lot to teach the rest of us about happiness. Elite-level athletes have mastered the art of staying calm in high-stress moments, they’ve learned to find joy even in harshly competitive situations, and they realize they perform their best when they’re at ease and relaxed. Those are skills any of us can develop. Going with the flow Take Michal Smolen, a professional slalom kayaker en route to his first Olympic appearance this August, when the Olympic Games come to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. When Michal slides into the seat of his kayak, the rest of the world disappears. It’s just him and the water, flowing down-river in an endless stream. Maybe his comfort in his boat comes from the fact that he’s been kayaking competitively since he was a kid. Or maybe he’s just figured out how to quiet his mind, even when the pressure is on. “It’s a matter of not letting any expectations affect me,” Michal says. “I have to leave all that behind and just tell myself that I’m doing what makes me happy. If I’m flexible, relaxed and focused, I can cancel out anything that gets in my way.” Psychologists call this “flow state,” and it’s proven to boost performance and mental focus. “In a flow state, you are completely involved in the activity and time starts flying,” says Wendy Suzuki, Ph.D., professor of neural science and psychology at New York University and author of Healthy Brain, Happy Life. “In this state, worry and ego are not engaged, and you can focus totally on the task at hand. Part of being relaxed, at ease, and having fun is finding a way to enter the flow state where focus can be fully directed at the activity.” Michal, 22, lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, where the U.S. National Whitewater Center is located. He would have been a top contender on the U.S. Men’s Kayak Team at the 2012 Olympic Games in London if a citizenship snag hadn’t gotten in the way. Michal moved to America with his family from Poland when he was 10 years old. His father, Rafal Smolen, was a member of the Polish National Kayak Team and is now a coach for the U.S. Olympic team. A life of competition Michal got into kayaking early but soon discovered he had a fear of water, and at 13, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. He put kayaking on hold, sorted out the proper medication to minimize his seizures, and he joined the swim team, hoping to conquer his water anxiety. It worked. “I wanted to be like Michael Phelps—I was very ambitious as a kid,” he says. “I started doing really well at swimming, but it wasn’t bringing me the same enjoyment as kayaking. So I switched back.” By high school, Michal was one of America’s best young slalom kayak racers, getting fourth place at the Junior World Championships at age 16. By 2012, he placed second at the Olympic trials, but he learned too late that his U.S. citizenship papers would take longer than he thought. He was devastated to sit out his first opportunity to compete at the Olympics. Finally, in February 2013, Michal officially became an American citizen. Since then, he’s been focused on this summer’s Olympic Games. In 2014, he won the Under 23 World Championships, the biggest victory of his career. Last year he became the U.S. National Champion and won a bronze medal at the World Championships and gold at the Pan-American Games, setting him up to be a favorite in Rio. Going for the joy He has no idea what to expect from his first Olympic appearance, but he says he plans on keeping a level head and not letting anything get to him. “When I’m racing that most important race of my life, I want to make sure I’m not shaking and sweating and doing all these crazy things before I’m about to go. I want to tell myself, ‘I did everything I could. I’m ready for this. I’m going to enjoy it,’” he says. “That’s what I do this for: I do it for myself and for the joy of it.” Michal has figured out something that scientists and doctors have been studying for years. Studies have shown that athletes with positive psychological states—those who are relaxed, at ease, having fun—physically perform better in competitive settings than those with negative emotions. “If an athlete’s overall sense of wellbeing and happiness is within a suitable range, they tend to perform better based on the fact that their perceived level of stress is reduced and their subjective belief is ‘I’m doing well,’” says Jason Richardson, a former World Champion and Pan-Am Games gold medalist in BMX racing, who is now a psychologist working with Olympic athletes. “Those beliefs become the driving force, as they precede the feelings and actions that ultimately bring results.” You don’t have to be an Olympian to gain something from this lesson: Enjoy yourself and you’ll do better at whatever it is you set out to do. Less stress, more success Miles Chamley-Watson, 26, just missed the podium at the London Olympic Games. A fencer, he was ranked No. 2 in the world entering the 2012 Olympics, and he was aiming for gold. But he was defeated in the second round and wound up in fourth place in men’s foil. “I wanted to come away with hardware, so I wasn’t happy,” says Miles, who was born in London but moved to New York when he was 9 and will be a top fencing competitor this summer in Rio. “It was incredibly frustrating. It was my first time at the Olympics and everything felt magnetized and blown out of proportion.” In a study that looked at the emotional reactions of Olympic medalists at the 1992 Games in Barcelona, Spain, researchers found that silver medalists were reportedly less happy than those who took bronze. Why? “The silver medalists feel like they are so close to winning, but just missed the mark, whereas the bronze medalists are just happy to get a medal,” says Caroline Miller, an expert on positive psychology and the author of seven books on the subject, including her upcoming book, Getting Grit. “There are people who win and they feel empty afterward. They think it will bring them happiness but the Olympics don’t buy you happiness.” Just as Miles has found through the extensive mental training he’s done to prepare for this summer’s Olympics, the more stressed he is in the midst of a competition, the less likely he will perform at his best. Whereas the more joyful and relaxed, the better he’ll do. In other words, happiness begets success, not the other way around. Put happiness first “It used to be thought people became happy by having success. But pinning your happiness on winning a gold medal isn’t how it works,” Caroline says. “People succeed by being happy first. Their bodies are relaxed and in a different state of consciousness. They’ve done all the preparation they need to do and they’re utterly confident and relaxed about it. They’re not constricted or anxious.” We can’t all be Olympic fencers, but we can learn from Miles. “Do whatever makes you happy. Don’t let anyone tell you no. Above all, take risks,” Miles says. “I’ve taken so many risks in my life and that’s what’s gotten me where I’m at now.” Caroline says it’s those risks that bring such a high level of joy. “The reason why the highs are so high and the lows are so low is that these athletes take risks and because of the intensity of passion that they bring to their lives and their sport,” she says. “They’ve invested so much and they’ve given up so much in order to pursue their craft.” Sure, getting fourth place may not feel great, but Miles, who, in 2013, the first American fencer to win an individual World Championship title, also knows what victory feels like. “There’s no feeling like when you work really hard for something and the training actually pays off,” he says. “You win a competition and there’s no other feeling like it in the world.” A 2009 report in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that those who attempt to master a new skill may be frustrated or stressed throughout the process, but they have greater happiness long term. “Very few of us can be Olympians. But we can all learn from what these men and women bring to their sport—they live with joy, they live with a sense of satisfaction,” Caroline says. “At the end of every day, we scan our days for what we did that was hard. We’re only proud of ourselves when we did something out of our comfort zone. We all need to have something we’re passionate about, something that lights us up, something that makes us work for it.” Happiness in sync Leading up to the Games in Brazil, synchronized swimming duet partners Anita Alvarez and Mariya Koroleva often spent 24 hours a day together. They’re in the pool training for long hours, they sleep in the same hotel room, and they have meals side by side. “We start to understand each other and we learn everything about each other,” says Anita, who at age 19 will be making her Olympic debut. “It’s important to have that bond and connection not just in the pool but also outside the pool. I can’t imagine going into this intense competition without her there.” “It’s nice to have someone going through the exact same thing as you, especially in the hard times, after a long training day,” adds Mariya, 26, who competed at the 2012 Olympics with a different duet partner and placed 11th. “After you compete together and you have a good score, it’s even more exciting to be able to share it with someone. It’s not just your success.” Studies have shown that athletes who train in groups are more motivated and experience less pain than those who train alone. Plus, they’re happier. “People are happier when they’re training and celebrating their victories with other people. They need a team around them,” Caroline says. “It’s not just about getting what you want, it’s about getting what you want and celebrating with someone else.” Mariya, who was born in Russia but moved to the U.S. as a child, underwent back surgery just six months before her last Olympic appearance. She was forced to rush her recovery process in order to compete at the last Olympics and during the Games, she loaded up on pain medication to ease the throbbing in her back. But still, she says, it was worth it for that feeling of walking in the opening ceremony and knowing she had made it. “It’s important to remember nothing that you accomplish that’s great is going to be easy,” Mariya says. “If you’re having a hard time, remember that it’s supposed to be hard. You have to keep pushing through and fighting for what you want. The harder it is, the happier you’re going to be.” Jason says there’s science behind this, too. “When an athlete suffers injury or great loss and finds victory again, it’s more meaningful,” he says, “because the true win is not just in their sport, but also the internal struggle within themselves.” The meaningful life Mountain biker Lea Davison competed at her first Olympic Games in 2012 in London, and she’s on track to race again this summer in Rio. In London, she was just happy to make the team after rebounding from a serious hip injury that benched her for an entire season. “Just making it to the Olympics was a dream come true. Everyone says that, but it’s true,” says Lea, who’s 33 and from Jericho, Vermont. “To say I’m an Olympian has been my goal since I was a kid.” She, too, knew that if she was going to perform her best at the Olympics, she had to forget about all the hype—the pressure from the crowds, the media, her sponsors. “I was nervous for months beforehand, but you have to get that out of the way. On the morning of the race, I was able to be calm,” Lea says. “You try to treat it like any other race. Sure, there’s a lot of hoopla surrounding it—it’s the Olympics. But I just kept reminding myself, ‘This is just another bike race. You know how to do this.’” She ended up 11th place in women’s mountain biking and says walking into the closing ceremony alongside her American teammates was her proudest moment. “To hear the roar of the crowd was very powerful,” she says. “Seeing your country behind you and all of that support, it was just quite a moment.” Finding authentic happiness When Lea was a college student at a liberal arts school in Vermont, she took a positive psychology course. In the class, Lea, who grew up ski racing and started mountain biking competitively in high school, read Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. She learned about the three dimensions of happiness, as described in the book. First is the simplest form, which Martin calls the pleasant life—Lea describes this as “eating a Girl Scout cookie and being happy for the next 10 minutes.” The second state, called the good life, is about finding your own strengths and using them to improve your life. Lea says she found this easily when she discovered mountain biking. “You have to be present and in the moment when you’re navigating these trails and courses,” she says. The third and deepest level of happiness Martin calls the meaningful life, which is when we use our powers for the greater good. That, Lea says, took longer for her to find. Lea graduated college in 2005 and dedicated herself to a career as a professional mountain biker. In 2008, she and her sister, Sabra, decided to start a nonprofit organization called Little Bellas, which aimed to get young girls in their home state of Vermont into mountain biking. The program took off and they now have chapters nationwide to introduce girls ages 7 to 13 to the sport they love. Little Bellas is what helped Lea find her most meaningful life. “It’s worthy to go after your goals and see how far you can push yourself, but it’s essentially a very selfish pursuit. It’s all about how fast I can turn the pedals over,” she says. “But helping these young girls become themselves and figure out what they can do, that is what brings me true happiness.” “As an athlete matures, he or she begins to recognize a world that is bigger than just them,” Jason adds. “Even the best do not find as much meaning in just performing well in the arena when they become older and wiser. This is not to say that they are no longer competitive. It is to say that winning doesn’t have the same meaning as it did when they were a rookie.” Gaining perspective Cycling, Lea says, has provided her with many life lessons. “I could get wrapped up in all the details and be very narrow focused,” she says. “But sometimes, you have to just step back and look up from the trail and realize how beautiful this place is. You have to take in the bigger picture because there’s always something to be grateful for.” So we can’t all be Olympians, but we can watch them from afar, cheer for them as they take on the hurdles of their competition. We can take a piece of their experience and let it inspire us to live more meaningful lives. “We all should tune into the Olympics because those are the people who are taking risks and putting it all on the line,” Caroline says. “When you see people giving it their best, you become awed and inspired. And when you’re awed, people tend to look up, figuratively and emotionally. It causes people to want to be better than they are already.” Megan Michelson is a freelance writer and a freelance editor for ESPN.com. She has also worked as an editor for Skiing and Outside magazines.
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Diverse array of colorfully dressed, happy kids.

How to Raise Happy Kids

Ask parents what they want most for their children and they’ll answer the same: happiness. But if we hover and coddle and grant their every wish, they grow up to expect that treatment from the rest of the world and are going to be seriously unhappy when they realize that’s not how things work. And if we exert too much control while instilling traditional discipline and a strong work ethic, says a new British study, we could scar them emotionally for life. So how do we raise happy children? “The science of positive psychology has shown us that happiness comes from experiencing lots of different positive emotions: gratitude, appreciation, optimism and confidence about the future, joy and contentment in the present,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. “Of course we will all still have negative emotions, and parents should not try to protect their children from those experiences. Time and again, the research demonstrates that what we say and do with children is far more important in their success and happiness than any innate talent or disposition.” Get started today—no matter what age your children are—cultivating the following five character traits that positive psychologists have found happy children share. (Not surprisingly, they’re also found in joyful, fulfilled adults!) 1. Happy kids are connected Today’s parenting culture tends to revolve around achievement—be it in the classroom or on the playing field—and that’s a mistake, say positive psychology experts. Focus instead on really getting to know and enjoy your kids. Knowing they are loved for who they are is fundamental to a happy life. “The most important thing parents can give a child is a life that’s full of positive points of connection—at home, at school, on teams, at church and in your community,” says Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell, Harvard psychiatrist and author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness. “And those positive connections occur when you enjoy your kids and have fun together. Set up family traditions and celebrations. Use physical touch: Snuggle, kiss, wrestle.” Of course your family life won’t be perfect: “You will get mad and yell; you will be too busy to sit down for dinner together all the time; they will try to get out of doing chores. All of that is good; they’re signs you are connecting!” he notes. “In disconnected families there is no conflict, because no one cares.” Preschoolers: “Kids need to get that you like them,” says teacher and family therapist Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids. “They need to feel like your heart lights up when you see them. That tells children they have value and infuses them with confidence so that later, when life doesn’t go as they expect, they are still able to cope.” Let the chores wait and read together, play in the backyard, take a nature walk, act silly. Be a kid again yourself when you’re with them. Grade-schoolers: This is the stage when children begin to venture out into the community and form relationships with others, so encouraging friendships should be a big priority, Ned notes. But don’t stop at just setting up play dates. “Kids need to be taught the principles of friendships just like they need to be taught math facts,” he points out. “Explain to your child that he needs to be loyal, which means not trying to get out of an invitation when something better comes along. Show him examples of bullying, bragging or embarrassing someone and point out why they’re wrong. And always encourage your child to include peers who are being left out.” Another excellent decision if you can swing it, Ned says, is to get a pet. Pets not only teach children responsibility, but they provide more opportunity to practice give-and-take relationship skills, reinforce the power of unconditional love and will help the whole family relax and have fun together. Teenagers: “Interactions with teens can quickly devolve into ‘Do this’ and 'Haven't you finished that yet?' and Where’s that permission slip you were supposed to bring home?’” Susan notes. “You get so little time with teens that you don’t want all your interactions to be about getting them to do something. But they’re also not inclined to sit down and play Monopoly with you for two hours.” Instead, Susan recommends ignoring your to-do list and when your teen walks into the room, try to conjure up that baby you couldn’t take your eyes off—even though he may be in serious need of a shower—and pay him a compliment or tell him a joke. “You want to shift the ratio so that you have more positive interactions and fewer demanding ones,” she says. “It can just be a short 30-second exchange, but if it results in a smile, it’s a deposit into the emotional bank account. Your teen will feel uplifted and you’ll have demonstrated you care without forcing it.” 2. Happy kids are playful “There’s so much pressure to sign kids up for loads of activities today, but not enough free time negatively impacts a child’s happiness in two ways,” explains Katie Hurley, Los Angeles author of The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World. First, if kids are constantly doing structured activities, they are not spending time with you. Different children can handle different degrees of busyness, but a good rule of thumb is one sport, and maybe one other activity per season. Secondly, overscheduled kids don’t get time to just play, which provides a wealth of benefits that contributes to happiness: Play develops imagination and creativity, builds social skills and teaches problem-solving, to name just a few. Play is also a critical way to discover what you’re good at, Ned says, and that leads children to want to practice and master that skill, whether it’s riding a bike, shooting a basketball, painting or learning to cook. Preschoolers: Go retro when it comes to toys. Sure, a smart phone or tablet app comes in handy from time to time, but to really foster creativity and build imagination, young kids need simple wooden blocks, sidewalk chalk, dolls and balls, Katie says. In short, you don’t want too many toys that are passive or that do the thinking for your child. Also, never underestimate the power of the recycling bin. Every craft project need not come from a prepackaged kit. Grade-schoolers: Sports are terrific arenas for play now, and that goes beyond just signing them up for an official team, Ned notes. Encourage your kids to have friends over to play soccer in the backyard. Organize a flag football tournament or basketball game at family gatherings. “And when your child does play on a team, don’t turn it into a pressure-packed, hypercompetitive drama. Emphasize the fun aspects, not the win-loss record,” Ned says. Teenagers: Finding the high-school equivalent of playing in the sandbox is challenging to say the least, but adolescents need those creative outlets more than ever. Point them toward groups like makerspace.com, an online community where they can create, invent and learn about things they’re interested in with peers. Encourage writing a short story or taking up photography. Got a musician? Invest in some noise-canceling headphones (for yourself!) and allow her to have friends over for jam sessions. At this age, play takes a more productive turn but is nonetheless creative. 3. Happy kids are…confident Few feelings in life are as thrilling as that moment when a child realizes, “I can do it!” The sense of security that comes with deep connections, along with the skills your child builds through play, leads to the confidence to try new things. And con! dent children are optimistic children. “When problems arise, as they do for all of us, the confident, optimistic child tackles them with the certainty that they are solvable and continues to try again, rather than give up,” Ned explains. Christine seconds that: “Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated,” she notes, “and a key to helping your child stay optimistic is teaching a growth mindset. Growth mindset people believe that success is a result of effort, not inborn talents.” Preschoolers: Start early on to use praise to cultivate a positive mindset. Be sure you're praising specific hard work and good deeds rather than the child. So instead of “Great job!” or “You’re so smart!” say, “That was really nice of you to let Jack use the swings first," or "You worked really hard on that puzzle and you didn't give up until you figured it out.” Avoid pessimistic reactions to your child’s behavior as well. Say one sibling hits another. Instead of “That’s mean, Emma. You’re not going to have any friends at preschool if you act that way,” respond with a way to help. Try “You’re having a hard time, Emma. I bet you’re hungry. Say you’re sorry and let’s get something to eat so you feel better.” This way, Emma sees that even though she is experiencing the negative feelings, they are temporary and she has the power to fix them, Christine says. Grade-schoolers: As your child matures, you want to create as many opportunities for him to succeed as you can, but also be careful to not cross the line to expecting perfection. You don’t have to get a gold medal in a sport to enjoy it. Nor do you have to receive the highest score on the test to know the subject matter thoroughly. “People incorrectly believe that perfectionism will propel kids to the top of their class, their teams, and ultimately their careers,” Christine notes. “Instead, perfectionism creates a constant state of discontent and fear of making mistakes.” Avoid this scenario by not doing too much for your child: If you constantly correct his math homework or rewrite his essays, he’ll begin to believe he’s not capable of doing it on his own. If you repeatedly deliver that forgotten lunch or homework, he’ll have no reason to try to remember it. And when you do need to deliver criticism, try to make it positive and productive: Instead of “I told you to put your science folder in your backpack last night,” say, “You remembered your homework Monday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today?” Teenagers: Confidence is essential to your teen’s ability to make safe, informed decisions, and it grows as he or she learns to cope when life throws curve balls. It’s hard to do, but the bigger they get, the more we need to let them fail a bit, then bounce back on their own, Christine says. “Happy kids can risk making mistakes because they know how to correct them and they take steps on their own to do so.” Instead of jumping in and fixing things, help your child make a plan to reach his goal. When your teen gets cut from a high school sports team, for example, acknowledge the disappointment and praise the effort he put in: “I know you probably feel sad and frustrated. You worked really hard on your basketball shooting skills.” But also encourage him to think positively about ways to succeed: “What do you think you could do to increase your chances of making the team next time?” Read more: Overparenting Anonymous by Dr. Wendy Mogel 4. Happy kids are…grateful Of course you’ve been teaching your children to say “Please” and “Thank you” since they began to talk. Now a bevy of research connects a deeper understanding and attitude of gratitude with true happiness and life satisfaction. Preschoolers: One of the first things you want to do with your children is make a habit of expressing thankfulness for the family’s blessings. Researcher Giacomo Bono, Ph.D., co-author of Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character, has found that children who say grace at mealtime have developed more gratitude than their peers. Get into the habit of saying the traditional prayers of your faith with your children at dinner and bedtime, but also use these moments to express thanks for people in their lives, he recommends. Giacomo also advises parents to emphasize the nuances of gratitude to young children. Point out how, for example, a gift is going to improve a child’s life: “Those finger paints Aunt Sara gave you are going to be a lot of fun. Let’s invite some friends over to play with them.” Then explain that the benefactor made a choice to do something good and went out of her way to do it for you: “It was really kind of Aunt Sara to make a special trip to the toy store and spend her money on you.” Also make it a habit to encourage your child to do nice things for others: “I put an extra snack in your backpack. Why don’t you share it with one of your friends at school today?” Grade-schoolers: As kids mature a bit more, they can better appreciate the intentions and motivations of the benefactor, so point those out, too. Say, for instance, “It was really nice of your violin instructor to recommend you for that orchestra. She really loves playing and wants you to feel the same passion for it.” Children this age are also becoming more aware of other people and the world around them, so when they bring up, say homelessness, take advantage of the opportunity, Giacomo says. A school-age child can volunteer at a soup kitchen with you, or accompany you when you do something to help an elderly neighbor. You’re modeling generosity, and your child gets to observe the gratitude that someone feels from it—as well as realize how much he himself has to be grateful for. Teenagers: Adolescents are ready to discover their meaning and passion in life, and practicing gratitude will help them do that, Giacomo notes. Tap into their interests by giving them ideas on how to use technology to express gratitude. Instead of writing a thank-you note, teens can make a thank-you video. They can create a slideshow of things they’re grateful for on their phones or make a Pinterest board. Also encourage your child to share his skills in the community. A varsity athlete might volunteer to coach younger kids in his sport; a teen with an interest in photography could share her skill with a group of seniors. 5. Happy kids are positive thinkers Teaching kids to have a glass-half-full attitude when something negative occurs in their lives is essential to their happiness, and building all the other skills we’ve discussed so far puts them on this positive track. “Understanding what triggers all types of feelings helps children work through the negative so they get to a positive viewpoint,” Katie notes. To make this happen, parents need to be “emotion coaches,” Christine emphasizes. According to research, children—and adults—who can manage their emotions experience negative feelings for shorter periods of time. Preschoolers: The first step with little ones is label, label, label, beyond happy and sad. Katie recommends describing your child’s emotions as well as his behavior back to him: “You just kicked the tower over. You must be frustrated.” Then replace the negative thought with a positive one: “I bet you can get the tower to keep standing. What do you think would have worked better?” Grade-schoolers: We tend to think of small children as the ones who have temper tantrums, but bigger kids can have massive meltdowns over homework, sports and friendships. The single best thing you can do, say Giacomo and Katie, is to model calmness. “A calm response shows your child that the problem is solvable so he can move to a positive approach,” Giacomo emphasizes. Instead of “I can’t do this,” stepping back and taking a deep breath allows them to get to “OK, I can fix this.” “I tell kids to pretend they are blowing up a balloon very slowly. It calms their senses and slows their heart rate,” Katie explains. “It’s a skill they can use at any time.” Teenagers: Being an adolescent today is seriously stressful, and even kids who have had it together so far can buckle under the pressures of popularity (or lack thereof) and academics. “One of the main functions of adolescence is to learn to cope with really big emotions, but you also don’t want your coaching to feel condescending,” Christine notes. “A smart way to keep things positive now is to frequently narrate your own emotions for your teen, but also follow that with a positive.” Say, for instance, “Standing in this checkout line is really aggravating, but we’ll have all the groceries we’ll need and won’t have to waste time coming back to the store for a few days.” Or, “Boy, am I nervous about this presentation tomorrow, but when we get the business I’ll get a nice bonus and we can take a special vacation this summer.” As Christine says, you want to teach them to “fake it until you make it.” The science of positive psychology has shown us that forcing yourself to smile when you don’t always feel like it creates a physiological reaction that produces feel-good brain chemicals. And when children learn how to induce their own positive emotions, happiness wins. Listen to our podcast: Raising Confident and Creative Kids, with Heather Shumaker Stephanie Wood is a freelance writer and editor based in the New York City area.
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The Power of Grit

This week we welcomed positive psychology and well-being experts to Dallas for The Festival of Positive Education. Live Happy science editor Paula Felps spoke with Angela Duckworth, the leading authority on grit. To listen to more of this interview as well as others, stay tuned to the Live Happy Now podcast.
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Is Your Fitness Tracker Making You Miserable?

Is Your Fitness Tracker Making You Miserable?

If you have a love/hate relationship with your fitness tracker, then you are typical of many Americans. When you first buy the device, you are excited to watch your steps add up throughout the day. You love checking the app and charting your progress. You find it energizing to hit that goal of 10,000 steps, and you literally step up your activity, exercising more. But as the novelty wears off, you start falling short of your goal. Perhaps you begin to feel guilty and start looking around for creative ways to get those 10,000 steps in....Next thing you know, you've strapped the device on your 8-year-old son and told him to run on the treadmill! Yes, it's a sad story but not an unusual one. In the end, you found a way to hit that 10,000 steps all right, but the fitness tracker stopped doing what it was designed to do: make you healthier and more active. The agony of outcomes In January, the Journal of Consumer Research published a study that found people who consistently measured their activity with a tracking device actually began to get less enjoyment out of their movement. While the tracker was successful in encouraging people to move more, it also began to rob them of their well-being. Instead of feeling like a pleasurable break from work, that afternoon walk instead began to feel like just another form of work. “While measurement increases how much of an activity people do…it can simultaneously reduce how much people enjoy those activities,” says researcher Jordan Etkin, Ph.D. “This occurs because measurement can undermine intrinsic motivation.” By turning their focus to output, such as the number of steps or how many calories they were burning, the study found, people who used trackers lost their enjoyment in whatever it was they were doing. Read more: Making Motivation Work The measure of success Fortunately, a study published in the journal Psychology of Well-Being in June found that not all who don a device are doomed. A team led by Evangelos Karapanos of the Cyprus University of Technology discovered that how you use such fitness devices makes a big difference in the way it can affect your well-being. Those who used the trackers as simply a tool for storing information (rather than considering it a reflection of how well they were doing) found the greatest happiness with the devices. Many users were initially surprised to learn how much they sat during the course of a day, and they used this new information as a way to implement lasting lifestyle changes. Rather than feeling driven (or bullied) by their device, they actually felt more autonomous, informed and empowered. They also found psychological advantages: The Psychology of Well-Being study showed participants felt less bored and also better about their physical appearance when they wore the fitness trackers. They gained a shot of self-esteem just by wearing it because it reminded them they were doing something positive for themselves. But they also didn’t let it guide their idea of success or failure. Movement with meaning Plenty of science points to the psychological benefits of physical activity, and these two studies add a reminder that it’s not just what you do that’s important; it’s how you approach it, too. Activity for the sake of enjoyment is a double thrill for the mind and body; you get the joy of movement and the reward of doing something you love. So whether that’s playing badminton, riding a bike or mastering the latest Just Dance Xbox game, let yourself enjoy the moment. Take a walk, stop and smell the roses…without stopping to check how many more steps you need to go. Even better, take off the tracker and turn off the pressure. Maybe try rediscovering what it’s like to get out there and move just because you like it. You just might be surprised how much better that makes you feel than hitting your 10,000 steps for the day. Read more: More Fun, More Fitness Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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How to deal with bad-news overload

How to Cope With Bad News Overload

If you’ve begun to feel that turning on the nightly news is an exercise in personal fortitude, you’re not alone. Recent weeks have seen the headlines dominated by both man-made and natural tragedies, from terrorist attacks to twisters to escalating racial unrest. And let’s not even get started on politics. Jump online to escape with a couple of mindless videos, and you’ll soon find yourself wading through even more bad news. Friends and family use social media to weigh in on the day’s events and you quickly learn just how different their opinions can be—and how cutting the arguments become. Frankly, it makes it hard to find your happy place. Naturally negative Our innate negativity bias doesn’t help, either. While we are naturally drawn to events that are more dangerous or tragic, we also pay an emotional toll for that attraction to darkness. Studies have shown that continued exposure to negative news can lead to anxiety, depression and even post-traumatic stress disorder. Neurologically, when we’re exposed to negative programming for a prolonged period, we begin to interpret the world as less safe. We become more aware of negative events, which then creates a vicious downward spiral for our brains. Now for the good news: While you can’t change the headlines, you can change how they affect you. “A lot of it depends on how we listen to the news and how we balance it out,” says Joseph Cardillo, Ph.D., author of Body Intelligence: Harness Your Body’s Energy for Your Best Life. Joseph says it begins with listening with compassion, which requires us to let go of our preconceived notions and judgments. This takes practice, he admits, but it is key to developing an understanding of why things are happening to individuals and to entire populations. Use empathy, practice kindness “Once we better understand why bad things are happening, we can mindfully turn our attention toward little things we can do to reverse negative things,” he says. That might mean offering a smile or hug to someone who is upset or feeling down. It could be doing something nice for a co-worker. Send a thank-you note to a police officer you’ve never met; buy coffee for a stranger. You won’t just make them feel better, you’ll feel better, too. “When we do things like this, we balance the interplay between feel-good hormones in our bloodstream, like serotonin and dopamine, so you feel good, virtuous, rewarded and happy,” Joseph explains. “Those changes in blood chemistry and mindset facilitate a preference for continued higher-level thinking and problem-solving. This is a win-win situation, because we are simultaneously making ourselves feel happy, but contributing to the greater good by creating a loop of energy that is humane, healing and sparkling.” In other words, what goes around really does come around. And practicing positive or compassionate acts, even in the midst of trying times, will have a genuine impact on your physical and emotional well-being. “In philosophy, this is the power of the human spirit,” he explains. “It is powerful enough to establish pathways for new procedures in the brain and, hence, new circuits in your brain to help flow into states of happiness and health.” Easier said than done? If the solution sounds too simple, try putting it into daily practice and you may be surprised how much work it takes. Again, that built-in negativity bias will try redirecting our attention, but Joseph suggests the following techniques for cultivating some feel-good energy. Start and end your day with mindful physical exercise. Jogging or a morning walk while paying attention to the beauty of nature around you is a healthy way to wake up and can put you in the right frame of mind. Likewise, gentle mindful stretching or yoga is a good way to shake off the news of the day. Take a break from negativity—and know when you’ll allow yourself to be exposed to it. Sure, you want to stay informed, but taking in negative news before you have to do something important, like going to a meeting or greeting a loved one, can alter the energy of that event. Choose your timing carefully. Know what lifts your spirit. We all have certain colors, scents and songs that we respond favorably to; create your own positivity first-aid kit and use it when you start feeling drained or sad. Of course, we all strive to maintain that balance between staying informed and becoming overwhelmed. If you feel powerless, try taking action where you can—such as giving blood or volunteering with a cause you believe in. Doing so will give you a positive sense of engagement in the face of all that negativity. Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Find Happiness in Your Headphones

Find Happiness in Your Headphones

In his song “I Believe in Music,” Mac Davis wrote: “Music is love and love is music If you know what I mean; And people who believe in music Are the happiest people I’ve ever seen.” As it turns out, Mac’s observation might have been more than a songwriter’s musings; it now appears to be scientifically accurate. In recent years, researchers from many disciplines have turned their attention to what music can do for our physical and mental health and why it seems to make us so happy. According to a study published in the journal Psychology of Well-Being, music is one of the most powerful and effective ways for creating lasting positive emotions. For many music lovers, the research is just confirmation of what they already know: Music doesn’t just sound good, it does good for your body and your brain. An officer and a musician While working the high-stress job of a police officer in Memphis, Tennessee, Susan Lowe used music as a way to let off steam and hit the “reset” button. “In the fifth grade, I went to see The Carpenters,” Susan recalls. “I saw Karen Carpenter up there playing the drums and knew that’s what I had to do. I went home and told my mom I wanted to play the drums.” She played in bands throughout junior high school, high school, college and beyond. When she joined the Memphis police force in 1985, she began living a double life of sorts, working full-time as a buttoned-down officer and then, after hours, drumming for a cover band that played the songs of Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Berlin and other chart-toppers of the time. “It was a total disconnect from my professional life,” says Susan, who is now retired from the police force but continues to play drums. “It’s a great outlet for stress; when you’re playing music, you don’t think about anything else. It’s just about the music.” At 54, she says she still listens to music all day, whether she’s in the car, at home or taking a walk. As a child—in the days before portable music players—she would take her vinyl music albums with her on vacation. “I would suffer emotionally if I didn’t have music,” she says. “It brings me peace. I identify with the music spiritually and emotionally, and I see things all the time that remind me of a song lyric. I can live without a lot of things, but I could not live without my music.” She’s not alone. A 2015 Nielsen study found that 93 percent of the U.S. population listens to music regularly, spending more than 25 hours each week taking in tunes. We spend more time listening to music than we spend watching TV—and the good news is, music does more than just sound good; it also can have a positive, powerful effect on our bodies and our brains. The more researchers learn about what it does for us, the more hopeful they are about how it can be used. Always on my mind Although no one is quite sure just how large a role our connection to songs plays in our happiness, it’s obvious that the connection remains for many years. Research from Alex Korb, Ph.D., an adjunct assistant professor of neuroscience at UCLA and author of The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, shows that listening to music from the happiest times of our lives can instantly change our current states of mind. He says the music serves as a reminder of the environment we were in during that happy time, while our brain’s hippocampus connects us with it emotionally. “I don’t know how I’d make it through Sunday night without them,” says Gail Leavey, nodding toward the band that plays each week at a Nashville, Tennessee, restaurant. “This is the kind of music we’d listen to when we were young, and it brings back so many memories.” The Nashville Sunday Jazz Band has been performing weekly since 1992; Gail has been there since the first show. For years, she and her husband only missed a show when they went out of town; after his death three years ago, she continued the weekly tradition, bringing his memory with her to every show. At any given time, the band’s rotating lineup can include music session legends, symphony orchestra members and jazz faculty from one of the area colleges. They play Dixieland and early swing, which for 97-year-old Gail is a treat for the ears. “There aren’t a lot of people who still understand this music,” she says. But inside that room on Sunday night, where the median age is well into the 80s, there’s a youthful energy that seems to swell with the music. Most, like Gail, are regulars; they’ve become friends over the common bond of music from the turn of the century—“the turn of the last century, not this one,” Gail points out with a laugh. “When we’re here, we forget our age,” confesses Gail’s friend, Billie Stuck, who turned 98 in May. “This kind of music was always my thing. It’s the beat, the rhythm—it’s a way to express yourself.” The two women still dance, now with each other instead of their husbands, letting the music take them back to another time and place. “It’s like ‘Brigadoon,’” says Ellen Pryor, referring to the story of the enchanted city that would rise seemingly out of nowhere. Ellen began attending the weekly jazz sessions when her husband, Bill, was struggling with Alzheimer’s. Bill was engaged by the music, and she found a caring community of music lovers who welcomed and supported the couple. When Bill died five years ago, the band played at his wake; it also has performed at anniversary parties and even weddings for this devoted group of followers. “It’s become an extended family that was brought together because of the music,” says Ellen, who drives several of the women to the performance each week. “It’s hard to explain until you see it for yourself.” Music & memories To understand why music has such an effect, scientists have explored what happens from the moment it reaches our ears. While there’s still much to be learned, one thing that has become clear is that it’s an automatic, not a learned, response. Dr. Jon Lieff, a Massachusetts-based psychiatrist who specializes in neurology, says that music—whether we’re listening to it or playing it—stimulates all of the brain’s regions responsible for emotional processing. Babies as young as 5 months old show emotional responses to happy music and by the time they are 9 months old, they can recognize a sad song, and it affects their mood. As we get older, that connection to music continues growing stronger. Jon says that’s because in addition to the alluring sound of the music itself we have emotional connections—both positive and negative—associated with it. Late Show host Stephen Colbert, in his tribute to Glenn Frey during a show earlier this year, illustrates this concept well in recounting his first slow dance ever to the Eagles song “Desperado.” “‘Desperado’ is the perfect last song at an 8th grade dance when you have danced with no one,” Stephen said. A girl he knew said that she loved the song, which gave him the courage to ask her to dance and led him to take a “small, very small step toward manhood.” As Stephen recounted on his show, “This was the first time I’ve ever had my arms around a girl in my entire life.” He called the dance “one of the sweetest, most beautiful experiences of my life….I just want to thank Glenn Frey for what he gave me.” Ever wonder why you tear up during some songs, while others might cause chills to run up your spine? It’s all in your brain. The sound of music Daniel Levitan, Ph.D., a cognitive psychologist who heads up the Laboratory for Music Perception, Cognition and Expertise at McGill University in Montreal, is a former rock musician and music producer who’s won 17 gold and platinum records and has worked with such artists as Santana, The Grateful Dead and Joe Satriani. His 2006 book, This is Your Brain on Music, was the first to delve into the intersection of neuroscience and music. Daniel explains that listening to music releases certain chemicals in the brain, such as dopamine, that “feel-good hormone” that gets a boost every time you hear a song you like. It may help explain why we just can’t seem to get enough of certain songs and why they have the same beneficial effect on us regardless of how many times we listen to them. It’s not just the memories we connect to that certain song; it’s the way our brains innately embrace the music. For Susan, hearing music from the ’80s is a double whammy; not only does it bring back memories of her youth, but she has fond memories of playing those songs on stage. At a recent Cyndi Lauper concert, she found herself watching the drummer. “We never played at that level, of course, but we played songs like ‘She Bop’ and ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun,’ ” she says. “When I go to these shows, it really takes me back to some moments in my life that were really special. It makes me smile.” You raise me up Armed with a growing dossier of studies showing we are hard-wired to respond to music, researchers are now looking at how to use that information to do more for our minds. A review of studies published in the journal Nature Reviews Neuroscience offers repeated examples of how music is linked to improved skills in memory, language, speech and focus. What’s more, “There are entire populations of people that can be helped by music,” says Dr. Ron Eavey, director of the Bill Wilkerson Center at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville. The center is the home of a research hub that studies how music interacts with the brain and is looking at how it might possibly help heal everything from autism to Alzheimer’s to post-traumatic stress disorder and pain. They aren’t alone in their efforts; a Boston-based company named The Sync Project, a global collaboration of scientists, engineers, researchers and musicians, is looking at how music can be used to treat such things as schizophrenia and movement disorders. For one of its first studies, The Sync Project is examining how music can help athletes improve performance during high intensity interval training. After Dr. Christopher Duma, a California brain surgeon, saw improvements in patients with Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and autism when he began using music as a therapeutic tool, he created The Music-Heals Project. Partnering with Mike Garson, former keyboardist for David Bowie and grandfather to an autistic child, they composed Symphonic Suite for Healing, which in addition to being used clinically is being performed with symphonies to raise awareness about the healing power of music. As more evidence of music’s healing power is discovered, researchers, scientists, doctors, psychologists and teachers are among those looking at ways to apply the findings and delve deeper into the secrets locked inside the notes. So happy together As much as music affects us individually, it becomes even more powerful when shared with others. Data from a number of top brain researchers confirms that listening to music with someone else can release prolactin, a bonding hormone. And singing together releases oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust. It even can help strengthen the immune system. A study by Tenovus Cancer Care, a British cancer charity, and the Royal College of Music, published earlier this year in the journal ecancermedicalscience, showed that cancer patients who sang in a choir for just one hour showed significant reduction in stress hormones such as cortisol and improved moods. They also registered an increase in the amount of cytokines, a protein found in the immune system that can boost the body’s ability to fight illness. Improved mood has been linked to lower levels of inflammation, which is often associated with serious illness, and the results were so compelling that Tenovus is now conducting further studies to see what kind of long-term rewards can be reaped when patients spend time singing with others. Of course, you don’t have to be ill or depressed to benefit from sharing music with others. “There are so many ways that music brings us together,” Jon says. “I don’t know exactly how it works, but it does. When you’re grooving on music together, there are synchronous brainwaves that occur. Music can bring people together through shared experiences or a shared song.” Grooving to the music In a live music setting, those feelings and forces can feel even more intense. Even though she no longer plays in a band, Susan says that music remains an important part of her life; she still plays the drums (“for fun and exercise”) and takes in about 60 live shows a year. “Seeing live music puts me in a different place, mentally,” she says. “You’re in the moment and just enjoying what’s happening. I’m watching the performers and the way they interact with each other. It’s a complete escape.” She has made lasting friendships at shows, both with the performers and with other fans. And she carries the memories with her. “One time during the late ’80s, we opened for Berlin, and during their set, one of their keyboards caught on fire,” she recalls. “It was like this unexpected pyrotechnic show! I think about that when I listen to their music, because it really stands out in my memory. We’re going to see them [on tour] this year, and having that experience makes me look forward to seeing them even more.” Jon says that the pre-existing history we have with certain songs amplifies the effects of listening to them at a concert; we then increase our connection with them each time we experience them differently. “When you go to a concert, you have memories that you connect with those songs, you know the history of the band, you’re hearing music and your body is moving. It has a broad, emotional meaning, and it’s involving all these different parts of the brain at the same time.” Jon adds that, with so many benefits—both known and yet to be discovered—music’s unique role as both a physical and emotional healer should be explored and enjoyed more fully. “It’s one of the most powerful spiritual forces out there for bringing people together,” he says. Listen to our Live Happy Summer Playlist! Paula Felps is the Science Editor at Live Happy magazine.
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