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How to Create a Gratitude Playlist with Paula Felps

'Tis the season for giving thanks! We say it time and again that gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to share happiness and feel authentic happiness. We sit down with Live Happy science editor Paula Felps to talk about how to create the perfect gratitude playlist. What you'll learn in this podcast: How the arrangement of a playlist affects you The power of music to become more mindful How to appreciate the little things Listen to the entire playlist we created on the episode:
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Thanksgiving dinner table

9 Ways to Make the Most of Thanksgiving

If you love Thanksgiving but your traditions are getting a little tired, we’ve got you covered. With a little creative planning, you can make this year’s Thanksgiving the most festive and fun-filled yet. 1. Plan ahead for the day you want It sounds simple, but your ideal holiday won’t materialize unless you make it happen. Maybe you envision a formal Thanksgiving dinner complete with centerpieces, nameplates and an elegant menu. If that’s your plan, spell it out ahead of time. If you want potluck, paper plates, jeans and football, plan that and let people know. Share your desires openly with family, i.e. “I hope you will stay all day so we can have lots of time together”—to create the day you want. 2. Think about timing It may sound like a no-brainer, but the timing of your dinner can impact the entire day. If you call your mealtime too early, you might get stressed with the-time crunch of meal prep (unless you’ve done most of it in the days before). Some like to eat later in order to enjoy appetizers and the anticipation of the holiday meal all day. Or maybe you have guests who are going to be glued to a particular football game during the day. Consider all of these variables and plan accordingly. 3. Relax your expectations Without dwelling on it, acknowledge something will likely go wrong with your day, but that’s OK. A quirky uncle might say something, well, quirky. Someone might not show up who said they would. If you want to have the best possible holiday, roll with the punches. (Rest assured: No one’s Thanksgiving is perfect.) Read more: 3 Secrets to Happiness This Holiday Season 4. Set up a kids’ table Let the kiddos help make construction-paper place mats for their special table. It’s fun for kids to eat away from the adults, and you are likely to hear lots of giggles, too. 5. Take a moment to observe Take a moment during the festivities to stop doing and just notice what is happening all around you. Watch your family as an observer; what do you see? When we stop scurrying around in host (or guest) mode, we can absorb our blessings: family, friends, a nice home, good food, our health, a break from work, laughter and more. When you stop to pay attention, we enjoy the day more fully and create vivid memories. Read more: How to Be Present 6. Embrace the nap While it’s a myth that the tryptophan in turkey makes you sleepy, the energy your body needs to burn through a big meal can wipe you out. If everyone in your family wants to take a nap or rest after eating, embrace it! When everyone wakes, the celebration can continue. 7. Take a walk So much food, so many people, so much indoor time—you could really use a little fresh air to slow your day down and take a moment to breathe in the crisp air. Walking after a big meal wakes you up and helps you digest. Even if it’s cold, bundle up and enjoy your holiday with a brisk walk. Read more: Naturally Happy 8. Don’t clean up right away Thanksgiving dinner can take hours to prepare, and if you start cleaning up as soon as your meal is finished, when do you actually get to enjoy it? Cleaning up also can send the unintended message that it’s time for guests to stop conversing and start helping or even leave. Enjoy the conversation fully before you pick up all the plates. Consider having dessert an hour or more after dinner to encourage family members and friends to relax, connect and stick around for a while. 9. Remember what the day is about It’s isn’t just turkey, football and pies. Thanksgiving is truly about coming together as a family to give thanks. Focus on your blessings, and your own happiness and appreciation will infuse your holiday and guests with joy. Read more: 8 Easy Practices to Enhance Gratitude Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.
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Group of friends sharing a meal.

Cohousing Communities Are Built for Connection

On a warm summer evening, some two dozen people are gathered for a potluck dinner in the garden of the two-block Los Angeles Eco-Village, which sits on the edge of the city’s Koreatown district. Enjoying salads, grilled veggies and pasta, along with wine and homemade fruit punch, they perch on folding chairs in a clearing between a fig bush and a magnolia tree, not far from the outdoor solar oven, chicken coop and trellises that are heavy with tomatoes. From the range of ages—3 to 79—and the ease of the chatter, this has the feeling of a family get-together. But the mix of ethnicities and accents make it clear that the ties that bind this eclectic group aren’t all familial. Instead, the members of this lively party all belong to a new kind of neighborhood. The Los Angeles Eco-Village is a cohousing community and home to 55 people. According to the Cohousing Association of the United States, it’s one of 162 so far with another 126 in the planning stages. A form of collaborative living, cohousing offers a nurturing alternative to suburban isolation or urban anonymity. The residents run the community collectively, sharing responsibilities and chores and making decisions by consensus. “The human species is tribal in nature, but through generations of culture change, we’ve lost that tribal instinct,” says Lois Arkin, who founded the neighborhood more than 20 years ago. “Cohousing communities restore the human connections that we all crave.” Community + privacy These custom neighborhoods are far from communes. Each household has its own private home, complete with kitchen. But residents also share a large common house, which is the heart of the community. It typically includes a big kitchen and dining room, guest rooms, a children’s playroom, and areas for workshops and meetings. Opportunities for engagement abound, from working in the garden to cooking community meals or taking part in resident-led workshops in sewing, woodworking, yoga or even how to home-brew small batches of craft beer. Most of all, there’s a feeling that your neighbors have your back and are there when you need them. Jessica Ruvalcaba, an early-education schoolteacher, lives here with her husband and their 5-month-old son, Eli. “When Eli was born, people brought me home-cooked meals for two weeks,” she says, “and my neighbor Carol did my laundry. I love that Eli has an extended community of siblings, and I have a group of parents I can lean on.” Cohousing communities can be urban, like the Los Angeles Eco-Village or Takoma Village Cohousing in Washington, D.C., where 90 people—from newborn to 90 years old—live in 43 townhouses and apartments that are clustered around a central piazza. Many are in suburbs or small towns, such as Delaware Street Commons in Lawrence, Kansas. Here 45 homes are linked by pedestrian walkways and each home has a front porch that faces the common area. A few cohousing communities are in rural areas. The 29-home community of Nubanusit Neighborhood & Farm in Peterborough, New Hampshire, sits on 113 acres of farmland, fields and woodlands with trails, a pond and nearly a mile of riverfront. Using less to live more Living sustainably is a core value of cohousing communities. They’re typically built with energy-efficient materials and devote much of their acreage to green space. Cars are banished to the periphery of the property and alternative forms of getting around—biking, walking or public transportation—are encouraged. Lowering reliance on cars is key to keeping the members of these micro-neighborhoods connected. Alice Alexander is the director of the nonprofit Cohousing Association of the United States. She and her husband are members of the Durham Central Park Cohousing Community, a four-story building in downtown Durham, North Carolina, where 39 residents live in 24 condominiums. “I spent most of my life living in Northern Virginia suburbs where I didn’t know my neighbors,” Alice says. “You drove into your carport, went into your house and you never saw anyone.” The hallways at Alice’s building are wide and airy, with benches and libraries tucked into nooks and crannies. It’s a design that encourages people to linger and chat. Planning for chance encounters Relationships aren’t forged only through chance encounters. Like other communities, Durham Central Park maintains a digital bulletin board where people can post anything from an invitation to take a stroll to the Saturday farmers market to a request for a heating pad after a bicycle spill or a lift to the airport. “I’m always amazed that when I have a 6 a.m. flight, there’s someone who wants to take me to the airport,” Alice says. “But this is a caring and sharing community. We can count on each other.” There are weekly movie nights and group dinners, and every evening at least a half-dozen residents gather for happy hour on the roof. Residents seem to flourish amid all this support and sociability. In a survey conducted by the Cohousing Research Network, 96 percent of 528 respondents across 80 cohousing communities said their lives had improved since becoming cohousing residents and three out of four felt their physical health was better than others their age. None of this would surprise community psychologist William Berkowitz, Ph.D., professor emeritus at the University of Massachusetts at Lowell, who believes that close-knit neighborhoods fulfill a vital human function. “The need for connection with other people and for community is wired into our biology,” he says. “We evolved from animals that lived and roamed in clans, sought food together and protected each other. There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that when people have strong social networks their sense of well-being and their physical health improves; cross-cultural research even shows that people live longer.” Cohousing's Danish roots In the early 1980s, Kathryn McCamant and Charles Durrett—Katie and Chuck to their friends—were young married architects beginning to think about starting a family. Already they found themselves coming home from busy workdays exhausted. Their relatives lived across the country and their friends across town. Just getting together with a friend for coffee was a challenge. How would they be able to raise kids? They remembered a type of development called a bofællesskab (living community) that they had visited when they were studying architecture in Copenhagen, Denmark. Since the 1960s, a mix of young families and empty nesters, singles and single parents had been forming these self-reliant neighborhoods that allowed people to support each other through the challenges of every stage of life, from childcare to eldercare. “What we saw in Denmark made so much sense,” Katie says. “These communities reminded me of the neighborhoods where I grew up in Denver, where kids were always outside playing, everybody knew each other and there was a real social life in the streets.” The first cohousing community in America Katie and Chuck returned to Copenhagen in 1984 and spent a year studying bofællesskab. In 1988, they published their first book, Cohousing: A Contemporary Approach to Housing Ourselves. While they were writing the volume, they were also designing Muir Commons in Davis, California. In 1991, it was the first built-from-the-ground-up cohousing community in the U.S. Muir Commons is still going strong today, with 45 adults and 35 children living in 26 homes that sit on just under three acres. The homes, with private kitchens and private yards, range in size from 808 to 1,381 square feet. That size is pretty typical of cohousing communities and goes against the trend of homes in the U.S. getting significantly larger each decade. According to Census Bureau figures, the average size of homes being built in America rose from 1,725 square feet in 1983 to 2,095 in 1993 and, a decade later, to 2,330 square feet. In 2013, the most recent year of data collection, homes averaged just under 2,600 square feet. House size isn’t linked to happiness, according to Elizabeth Dunn, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and co-author of Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending. What really matters, she says, is the extent to which our houses facilitate positive social interactions. Living in a place where you naturally bump into your neighbors provides a happiness boost. Also heightening well-being, as stacks of studies found, is exposure to nature. A recent large Canadian study, for example, showed that having 10 or more trees on a block confers a health boost that’s the equivalent of being seven years younger. And so the design of the typical cohousing community, where most of the acreage is devoted to shared green space while pathways and front porches encourage socializing, can be a blueprint for happiness. Katie and Chuck, who have a now 25-year-old daughter, live in Nevada City Cohousing, which is an hour north of California’s capital city of Sacramento. It’s one of more than 50 cohousing communities, or “intentional neighborhoods,” as Katie likes to say, that the couple have designed or consulted on. Nevada City has 34 townhouses on 10 acres, six of which are devoted to open space. There’s an organic veggie garden and chickens, a swimming pool and hot tub. Footpaths lead to the nearby historic town. Residents have community dinners six nights a week. People are free to join or to skip, but everybody has a responsibility to cook a meal once every five weeks. Katie and Chuck usually take part in these group dinners three or four times a week. “Cohousing is a really good life,” Katie says. “What it addresses is that while we’re living closer and closer together, we’ve become a very isolated society. There’s a sense of security and safety, emotionally and physically, that comes from being part of something larger than yourself. You’re surrounded by people you can call on in a time of need. And, there’s much more spontaneity in day-to-day life. You run into people and say, hey, do you want to go hiking on Sunday? It doesn’t take 10 emails and texts.” Living collaboratively in Boulder, Colorado In 2000, Bryan Bowen was part of a team of architects working to design Wild Sage, a cohousing community of 34 townhouses in Boulder, Colorado. Developing a cohousing community takes several years and requires active and collaborative decision-making among its members. “Everybody has a voice and feels heard,” Bryan says. “And, as they’re accomplishing something really cool, the group develops very strong decision-making and conflict-resolution skills that they can use in creating a community once they move in.” By the time Wild Sage was completed 12 years ago, Bryan and his wife, Dale Deegan, then pregnant with their first son, Eli, were among the residents moving in. Eli’s younger brother, Jesse, was actually born in the living room of their home, with the aid of a midwife who’s a member of the community and has helped deliver a half dozen other Wild Sage babies. “I can’t imagine leaving Wild Sage,” Bryan says. “I can’t imagine raising my kids any other way. It’s hard enough as it is. Having the support of an interdependent community makes parenthood so much more interesting and rich.” And it makes for a secure childhood, too. Bryan remembers renting a home in Florida for a family beach vacation when Eli was 3 years old. After they pulled up to the house and unloaded the car, Eli ran outside, saying he was going to explore. He made a loop around the big grassy front yard, then came back inside. “He looks totally confused,” Bryan recalls. “He says, ‘Daddy, where are all the friends?’ That was a moment of epiphany for me. I realized that my kids were growing up with the expectation that wherever you go, there should be a whole bunch of fun, interesting people right outside the door. That’s how the world is for them.” A vertical community in Seattle Grace Kim and her husband, Mike Mariano, are founders and architects of Capitol Hill Urban Cohousing. It’s a compact cohousing community in a dense Seattle neighborhood; there are nine homes and a 1,600-square foot rooftop farm in a newly built five-story building. Grace and Mike, along with their 8-year-old daughter Ella are among the 28 residents—17 adults and 11 kids—who moved in just a few months ago. Like Katie and Chuck, Grace and Mike spent time in Copenhagen studying cohousing communities, thanks to a fellowship Kim received in 2004 from the University of Washington. For Kim, who is Korean-American, the intergenerational bofællesskab was familiar and comforting. “In Korean culture,” she says, “it’s common to have grandparents living with you. They’re an important part of the family. That’s very different from Western culture, where kids don’t have a lot of elders in their lives.” In the cohousing communities that Grace and Mike visited in both Copenhagen and later in the United States, she saw a vibrant alternative. “A 5-year-old would be happy to crawl up into anyone’s lap, whatever their age,” she says. “And there were meaningful relationships among unrelated people across generations. Teenagers were often lingering after dinner, wanting to engage in conversation with us. That’s so unheard of in American society. It really struck me as a healthier way to live through all stages of life. From raising your kids to growing old, the community takes care of a lot of needs without having to turn to outside interventions.” Prolonged group therapy In these first months at Capitol Hill, there have been some conflicts, like the prolonged dispute over what should be served at the thrice-weekly community meals. Residents took positions from demanding meals be vegan to diehard carnivores who wanted to slaughter their own game. In the end, after many sessions that were guided by a consensus-building facilitator, Grace says, “we all recognize that the meals are a big part of building community and we are committed to making meals for each other that are nutritious and delicious.” In practical terms, that means meat can be offered as an additive to a meal but not as the main ingredient. A great deal of energy has been devoted to making these types of group decisions. “Someone once said that cohousing is the most expensive self-help workshop you’ll ever take,” Grace says with a laugh. Still, Capitol Hill’s mix of residents—physicists and computer scientists, a magazine executive, a librarian, husband-and-wife retired teachers who love going for long-distance rides on their tandem bicycle—“have all remarked how living here is better than we could have imagined,” Grace says. “The ease and joy with which gatherings take place is remarkable. I never want to live anywhere else.” Read more: Find Your Tribe Read more: 10 Ways to Build Community Read more: Living on Less to Give More Shelley Levitt, editor at large for Live Happy magazine, is a freelance writer living in Southern California.
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Young woman looking at her phone with irritated look on her face.

Is Facebook Making Us More Jealous?

A friend posts a picture of himself standing in the front row of the Adele concert. Do you feel happy for him? Or are you instantly gripped with a sense of jealousy? If you leaned toward jealousy, you are not alone. Envy has been around since the beginning of time, and it’s something all of us have felt at one time another. Whether it’s over a friend’s new car or a co-worker’s promotion, none of us are completely immune to twinges of jealousy. But while jealousy has been around long before social media, there’s no question that Facebook, Instagram and the like have created new ways to exploit and trigger our envious side. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and we may never be able to stop feeling it,” says Richard W. Sears, Ph.D., director of the Center for Clinical Mindfulness & Meditation in Cincinnati. “However, if we ruminate about it, it tends to grow and grow.” The growth of envy online That growth of envy or jealousy triggered by our ever-expanding digital world has become the subject of research papers and psychology dissertations in recent years. “Since jealousy is about social comparison, modern technology makes this easier,” Richard explains. For example, he says, if you have 700 Facebook friends, and each one of them only does one great thing once a year, you’re still getting an average of two reminders every day of how wonderful someone else’s life is. Society raises most of us to be competitive, [so] our feelings can get very confused about the success of others, especially if we don’t feel successful.” The phenomenon has even led to the coining of a new word, “frenvy,” which is used to describe that mixed bag of emotions you feel when a friend has good—no, make that great—news. Your initial reaction of happiness may be mixed with a sinking feeling of envy. Yes, you’re happy their dreams are coming true, but it also shines a light back on your own inadequacies, real or imagined. In the study Envy on Facebook: A Hidden Threat to User’s Life Satisfaction?, German researchers found that social-network use triggered envy among users, with the biggest sources of jealousy being the happiness of others, the way other people spend their vacations and the way they socialize. “Jealousy comes about by comparing how you are at this moment to other people at other times,” Richard says. “It sparks dissatisfaction with yourself, which may take the form of anger at others for what they have. There’s no end to jealousy—no matter what you do or have, someone else in the world will have more than you.” And for a good reminder of that, we need look no further than our Facebook feed. Read more on this subject: Living for Likes Turning the tables What makes envy so troublesome is that it changes how we feel about ourselves. “Consciously, envy is so painful because it is based in a feeling of deprivation,” writes Jennifer Kunst, Ph.D., on Psychologytoday.com, citing depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and poor body image among its many effects. While we may not always be able to stop that initial feeling of envy that occurs from seeing the post of your friend’s exotic vacation or brand new home, Richard suggests these conscious ways to turn those feelings around: 1. Wish your friends well “Write a positive response [to their post], like ‘That’s awesome!’” he suggests. “Even if we feel jealous, we can wish our friends well when something good happens to them.” 2. Put the situation in perspective We all have successes, and each person’s success and happiness contributes to a happier planet overall. “If good things are happening to them, they will be happier and there will be less chaos and disharmony in the world.” 3. Use mindfulness Mindfulness is about living in the moment and not getting caught up in comparisons. “When you are constantly comparing this moment to some other time and some other place, it means you are living in your head and not in your own life,” Richard says. “No matter what is going on for other people, you can practice bringing your attention into this moment, into what you are doing right now.” 4. Turn envy into inspiration Instead of looking at what others have that you don’t, think about what you truly want – and what you can do to reach those aspirations. “If we really want to change something in our lives,” Richard says, “spending all our time worrying about other people will not help make that change happen. Read more on this subject: Is Everyone Having Fun Without Me? Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Phil and Joann Gulley have embraced a simpler life.

Living on Less to Give More

The SUV turning into Phil Gulley’s Danville, Indiana, driveway was huge. Bright, shiny and fresh off the assembly line in neighboring Oakville, the SUV—with Phil’s friend Jerry at the wheel—could haul an entire indoor under-10 girls soccer team to the school gym, seven guys to shoot hoops at the town hall, or Phil, his wife, and two sets of in-laws over the river and through the snow to a community Christmas gathering. What’s more, the SUV was safe as a tank and could haul both neighbors and bean dip to a church potluck anywhere in four counties—not an insignificant factor since Phil is a Quaker pastor. “We should get one,” he announced to his wife, Joann, after Jerry had left. “They’re only $40,000.” Joann’s reaction—“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard!” as Phil recalls her saying—was direct and to the point. Their little Toyota had only 120,000 miles on it. And what about the commitment they’d made to one another to live on less so they’d have more to share with those who needed a helping hand? Years ago, Phil and Joann chose a lifestyle that would allow them to do it. And it wasn’t because, as a pastor, Phil had to walk the talk. It was because sharing what they had was who they were. It made them happy. Not that either one had recognized that right off. “When we first got married, we never had much extra,” Phil explains. But then he began to write books based on the small-town antics of a Quaker church’s members and the faithful pastor who tried to keep them all out of trouble, and things changed. Book reviewers raved about his work, the books became best-sellers, and Phil and Joann were stunned when the first royalty check arrived in the mail from his publisher. Unfortunately, neither Phil nor Joann were accustomed to handling much money. “When that first check came, we just kind of blew through it,” Phil admits ruefully. “Three months later, we looked at each other and were just sick about it. We felt like we’d eaten too much junk food.” They quickly realized that they’d stumbled onto the wrong path. So they took a step back, returned to a simpler lifestyle, vowed to one another that they’d stick to it, and were amazed to find that sharing the money from Phil’s royalties with others made them happier than spending it on a brand new computer that did everything but make coffee. “We found that generosity gives us joy,” Phil says. An emerging trend We Americans are a generous lot: Individuals gave more than $264 billion to charity last year alone. It’s a mind-boggling sum, particularly when you realize that it’s not easy for a lot of us to find even an extra $10 for those who need help. But as Phil points out, “Philanthropy and generosity are not the purview of the wealthy. Even the poorest among us are given opportunities to be generous.” How do we manage to give so much? At least part of the answer is that Phil and Joann are not the only two people on the planet who are driving secondhand cars so they can save a few extra dollars to share with others. In fact, they may actually be on the leading edge of an emerging trend, says Keith Curtis, who chairs Giving USA, the nonprofit research group that tracks charitable giving in the United States and gives donors, nonprofits and professional fundraisers the hard data they need to function. “There’s no data yet, but we see it every day,” Keith says. “Once they’ve taken care of their kids, people want to give back and make their community a better place. They know people have needs and they want to help. They want to make a difference.” Shawn Landres, Ph.D., co-founder of Jumpstart, a Los Angeles think tank known for its research into charitable giving, says that Keith’s comments resonate. “We don’t have the data,” agrees Shawn, “but we do know that there are people with resources who are now choosing to give to a charity rather than buy that extra boat or that $5,000 case of Champagne. “There’s also a generational style that has people choosing to live more intentionally,” he adds. “They’re no longer doing the pledged giving that our parents did.” Instead, Shawn says, they’re doing things like crowd-funding or forming a “giving circle,” in which one person will, instead of writing a single check for $100, bring together a group of friends, neighbors, co-workers and the like to collectively write a check for $1,000. Hardwired to give One of the things that encourages us to reach into our pockets to help others is that we are hardwired to give. Northwestern University professor Jordan Grafman, Ph.D., was one of the first researchers to investigate the relationship between the brain and giving. In a study that appeared in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in 2006, Jordan conducted brain imaging studies that demonstrated that giving activates parts of the brain rich with receptors for the feel-good neuropeptide oxytocin—the same chemical that’s associated with the warm glow of happiness we get from food and sex. But there is one caveat. “Context matters,” Jordan says. If you give simply to get something back—increase your social status, look good to your friends or impress your boss, for example—then imaging studies show that you’re just going to feel a flicker of that warm, happy glow rather than a full blast of over-the-top joy. Individuals make up the lion’s share of charitable contributions,” says Una Osili, Ph.D., director of research at the Indiana University Lilly Family School of Philanthropy in Indianapolis. “They account for 71 percent of all giving.” If giving causes you to have to sacrifice something, however, whether it’s the ability to buy a latte every morning on the way to work or the opportunity to see a new film with friends, then brain studies show that you’ll get the full blast. Now chief of neuroscience at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, Jordan explains that, “When you give something at a cost to yourself, that’s when you really get a big effect.” A landmark study at the University of Oregon, published in 2007 in Science magazine, backs Jordan up. Researchers there gave 19 students $100 each and told them that any money left over at the end of the study was theirs to keep. The students were then wired up to an fMRI imaging machine as they watched a computer program. The program told them about a food bank that needed money, and then randomly did a number of things with the cash in the students’ online “accounts.” Some students watched as their money was given to the food bank. Others were given the opportunity to donate to the food bank—the choice was theirs. Still others saw extra money suddenly appear in their accounts. The brain scans’ results were astounding. The givers—whether or not they had donated their money voluntarily—were happier than those who received the gifts of cash. The “pleasure zones” in the charitable students’ brains “lit up,” as the Science article explained. But how much giving does it take to get that happy buzz? To find out, for a study published in a 2008 article in Science, researcher Lara Aknin, Ph.D., from the University of British Columbia (she is now at Simon Fraser University in British Columbia) cruised the city streets of Vancouver with a box of envelopes. She approached people at random and asked them to be part of an experiment. If they agreed, she asked them to rate their happiness that day, then got their phone numbers and gave them one of the envelopes. In the envelope was either a $5 or $20 bill, plus a note. For some of the study participants, the note said, “Please spend this [amount] today before 5 p.m. on a gift for yourself or for any of your expenses.” For others in the study, the note said: “Please spend this [amount] today before 5 p.m. on a gift for someone else or a donation to charity.” That evening Lara contacted each person who had accepted an envelope, asked them how happy they were and how they’d spent their money. The result? Not only did those who had spent their money on others feel far happier than those who had spent it on themselves, but it really didn’t matter whether someone had spent $5 or $20. Those who gave away $5 were just as happy as those who gave away $20. The benefits of a giving life Aside from the sheer joy of giving in the moment, making a commitment to living on less to give more as a daily practice in your life can extend that joy—and bring a few unexpected benefits. Steve Cleaver, a yoga instructor and the school coordinator at Richmond Friends School in Richmond, Indiana, knows this firsthand. Steve grew up as one of five kids on a farm, then went to college and grad school. But as he went from a house to school to an apartment, to another house, he began to feel as though his life was cluttered up by stuff. According to Giving USA's Annual Report on Philanthropy for 2015 (the most recent data available): $264.58 billion in charitable contributions comes from individuals, $58.46 billion from foundations, $31.76 billion from bequests and $18.45 billion from corporations.” So when he took a job at a yoga retreat center, he also took it as an opportunity to give things away that he didn’t use. And that was an eye-opener. “I began to look at what I had and what I bought in a new way,” he explains. “I’d grown up without a lot, and I struggled for a long time with the idea that having things was the way to go. I just felt I had to buy, buy, buy. “When I began to give it all away, however, I found that if I can live on less, I worry about less. I don’t have to worry about getting stuff, and I don’t have to worry about maintaining it. I also found that living on less gave me a sense of security,” he adds. “It’s like backpacking. You know you have everything you really need right on your back.” Now, instead of focusing on what he’s going to buy, Steve focuses on what he’s going to give—primarily to local artists, dancers, musicians, writers, filmmakers and designers through the online crowd-funding sites Kickstarter and Indiegogo. “I found that I’d rather invest in people than in things I don’t really need,” Steve explains. “That’s what makes me happy.” That kind of giving is something that resonates with Philadelphia conference planner Susan Lee Barton. Susan Lee has had a lifelong love of nonprofit organizations that actively lift people up and try to make the world a better place. Some of the groups she’s supported over the years share conflict management skills in Africa, develop reconciliation initiatives in Indonesia and offer workshops on alternatives to violence in Colombia. But finding the money to support these groups wasn’t always easy. “For a big part of my life I had been trying to increase what I gave to nonprofit organizations like these, but I was having trouble doing it,” Susan Lee says. Fortunately, while she was working at Right Sharing of World Resources, an organization that lends small amounts of money to women in Kenya, Sierra Leone and south India so they can launch small businesses that fit the markets available in their local economy, she had a conversation with co-worker Bob Barnes. “Bob challenged me to think about my possessions, how they affected me, and how they affected my relationship with God,” recalls Susan Lee, who takes her faith seriously. She did as Bob suggested, and was eventually led to make two serious changes in how she lived. The first was to give up her car, the cost of which had put her into debt. And the second was to move from an apartment into an interfaith community that shared a house in Philadelphia. Those two decisions single-handedly erased her debt and enabled her to increase her donations to the nonprofits whose work she so loves. But they also had a couple of unexpected benefits: All the walking she does without a car have made her a healthier woman, and living in community with others—a community in which people gather for morning worship, shared dinners, workshops, work parties and celebrations—has brought her unexpected joy. Joy, health, freedom, a simpler life, a sense of security and a loving community—living on less to give more to others may actually be the gift you give yourself.
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Two people warming their feet in front of a cozy fire.

3 Happiness Hacks to Savor the Holiday Season

Buy the groceries! Prep the turkey! Set the table! In the midst of the scurry to get ready for Thanksgiving, sometimes it can be difficult to just enjoy the moment with friends and family. It might be time to try something different this year (and no, I’m not talking about a new cranberry recipe). Start the Thanksgiving season with an intention to savor even the little moments—a practice that boosts your happiness levels, reduces stress and helps you navigate negative emotions that might surface when your family gathers together. 1. Develop a taste for savoring The Latin root of the word savor literally means “to taste,” so Thanksgiving is the perfect time to try out this positive habit. In the same way that you might enjoy your favorite smoked turkey dish or sweet potato casserole covered in toasted marshmallows (mmmm…), savoring involves pausing to appreciate the sights, sounds, smells and feelings around you. Do you feel crispness in the air as leaves fall to the sidewalk? Do you hear laughter ringing in the background as you step into the kitchen? What was the funniest thing someone said at the dinner table? What memories does the hum of a football game evoke in you? Practice the art of savoring now, so that you can train your brain to savor even in the midst of stressful, hectic or challenging times. Read more: The Science of Savoring 2. Find connection amid distraction Savoring is about being present and conscious in the moment, which we all know can be a challenge amid the numerous distractions in our lives. For many families, Thanksgiving is a special time of year when multiple generations gather around a table for a communal experience. However, all too often, technology eclipses these moments of connection. Yes, teens struggle with tech addiction, but so do many adults. We use tech as a buffer for awkward conversation or even an escape from unsavory obligations (anyone want to wash dishes?). 3. Use technology wisely Over the last year, I’ve spent a significant amount of time researching and interviewing people for my book The Future of Happiness (coming in April 2017) to glean the best strategies for tackling tech addiction and the modern digital divide. I surmised that the happiest individuals would be those who completely unplugged and instead spent hours meditating by candlelight. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Rather, the people who experienced the greatest levels of well-being in the digital era were those who were most conscious and thoughtful about when, where, why and how they use technology. In fact, many times they used technology to fuel their happiness and boost their ability to savor experiences. Read more: 3 Secrets to Happiness This Holiday Season Consider these practical ideas for using technology to help you savor the holiday season: Look through old family photos together, either in scrapbooks or by going through pictures on Shutterfly, Google Photos or Instagram. Read through your gratitude journal from the past year, or start a new journal on the Gratitude Journal app. Lead your family in a one-minute (or longer!) meditation before dinner using the Headspace or another meditation app. Use the Remindfulness app to get gentle reminders in your day to stay mindful amid the hustle and bustle. Write down a list of memorable phrases from dinner on Evernote and send an automatic reminder to yourself for next year to relive the memory. While your food is settling after dinner, engage your family in a hilarious game of charades using Ellen Degeneres’ app HeadsUp, which is fun for all ages. Amy Blankson, aka the ‘Happy Tech Girl,’ is on a quest to find strategies to help individuals balance productivity and well-being in the digital era. Amy, with her brother Shawn Achor, co-founded GoodThink, which brings the principles of positive psychology to life and works with organizations such as Google, NASA and the US Army. Her upcoming book is called The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-being in the Digital Era (April 2017).
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Woman boxing in a gym, gloved hand striking straight into the camera.

Face Failure Head On With These Essential Tools

I’ve been afraid of one thing my whole life: Failure. Whenever I think I might fail at something, my body launches into a full-blown panic attack. My heart races, my breath quickens, I can’t get enough air to my lungs and I’m sure I’m going to die. My reaction may sound a bit extreme, but fear of failure plagues all of us at one time or another. Perhaps you’re afraid to love after the last break up. Perhaps you’re afraid to ask for a promotion again after being rejected. Everything worth having comes with the risk of failure. And so we hold ourselves back. Maybe it’s easier to live alone than risk a broken heart, or to stay in the cushy job you hate than risk failing at a more challenging job you would really love. But to live a full, happy life, you must take that risk. The key is to know that you can recover from failure. If you know how to handle it, failure can even be your friend. The perfect child My failure anxiety started young. I am the youngest of three siblings, and my parents pinned a lot of their hopes and expectations on me to achieve: pressure to get perfect grades, have lots of friends—to be the best at everything. And when I wasn’t perfect, I would quit and pretend I didn’t care. I couldn’t let anyone find out how imperfect I was. So I avoided my dreams in order to avoid the possibility of failure. In my 20s, I knew I wanted to be a writer, speaker and coach. When a top Los Angeles literary agent rejected my first manuscript, I was crestfallen. For the next five years, I barely wrote a word and continued in my unhappy corporate career. Self-hatred and denial set in. Read more: Moving Past Perfection Breaking free of fear I tried to convince myself that life was fine, but my body knew better. I experienced migraines and severe depression. Every month, I begged my psychiatrist for more medication. And though I was a healthy 34-year-old, I came down with shingles. Something had to change. My mother told me to use my failure as fuel. I made a list of every regret, dream, fear—everything I wished I had done but hadn’t and began doing them one by one. I traveled the world alone, bought a boat, ran a marathon, and eventually went to graduate school. Failure is the precursor to success I have failed many times since making that list. When I first applied to graduate school, I was rejected from every single program. When I held my first group coaching program, no one signed up. And guess how many signed up for the second one? Zero again! I crawled into bed crying and swore I would never try again. But I did try again a month later, that third time, three people signed up. Now, I regularly get more than a dozen women signing up for each coaching retreat. Read more: Show Up and Succeed Fuel for growth Humans are resilient. Think of how many times you failed to walk as a toddler before you got it right. That resilience is still inside you. The question isn’t if you’ll fail, but what you will do with that experience. Will you shrivel up and hide? Or will you stand tall in your effort, gain wisdom from your failure, and get back out there to accomplish your goal? The latter is called “grit.” University of Pennsylvania professor Angela Duckworth defines grit as passion and perseverance toward a long-term goal. Her research suggests that the grittier you are, the more successful you will be. So next time failure (or fear of it) rears its ugly head and you want to hide, try this instead: 1. Acceptance Venting, denial and self-blame in the face of failure can lead to a sense of powerlessness and something called “learned helplessness,” which is closely linked to depression. But according to positive psychology founder Martin Seligman, Ph.D., you can also choose to learn optimism. When you fail, you can see it as temporary, isolated and opportunity for growth. To fail and come back again—that is strength! We all fail and most of us feel ashamed when we do. The sooner you accept this human truth with kindness and self-compassion, the happier you’ll be. Research from NYU’s School of Medicine shows that acceptance, versus suppression, reduces anxiety and suffering. Plus, research from 2014 shows that self-compassion can improve resilience, optimism, and self-efficacy. Accept that you’ll never be perfect. Rather, laugh at yourself for wanting to be perfect and move on. 2. Positive reframing Too often, our lesson from failure is not to try again. That holds us back from love, purpose and joy. Instead, reframe failure as an opportunity to learn new skills, enhance creativity, and become a better problem-solver. Find the nugget of wisdom, strength or courage in your failure and apply it to the next opportunity. Then get back on track and focus on your long-term goals. ­­­­ 3. Stay focused on the long-term goal All successful people have one thing in common: Failure. Think about Apple’s original MacIntosh, or times when Michael Jordan missed the game-winning shot. If Steve Jobs or Michael or J.K. Rowling had given up easily, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy their eventual colossal successes. When you fail, step back from the momentary challenge and remember the bigger prize. Angela Duckworth’s research found that achieving difficult goals requires sustained focus over time. 4. Take a risk! It’s simple enough: You won’t get anything unless you try. Start with something small. Let yourself fail. Do it again and again until you succeed. Let that small success be fuel to try something a bit bigger. The more you overcome fear of failure, the more motivated you will be. And if you need help getting over fear and going for your dream, get support. Hire a coach or join a support group that will help you identify the base of your fear and motivate you to move forward. You deserve to live fully. You deserve to thrive! I wish I could tell you that failure no longer scares me—quite the opposite. I’m afraid every single day. I just know what to do with it now: Be compassionate with myself. Laugh with myself. Gain wisdom from the failure. Reframe it as fuel. And try again. Read more by Carin Rockind: Nothing Compares to You Listen to our podcast: 5 Steps to a More Confident You With Carin Rockind. Carin Rockind is a speaker, author and coach with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) from the University of Pennsylvania.
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Mayim Bialik peeking out behind her glasses.

Mayim Bialik Is Geeking Out on Happiness

“There’s an unintended bit of art imitating life,” says The Big Bang Theory actress Mayim Bialik of her role on the CBS sitcom as socially anxious braniac Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, one of the most lovable and quirky, strong and intelligent female characters on television. “I based Amy on a combination of a few professors I know, but there are unintentional little bits of me in her, too. I’m pretty socially awkward and was a late bloomer,” Mayim says. “Even though I was pretty outgoing, I wasn’t a showbiz ham-it-up kid. I was raised in a very expressive and loud Eastern European household where I was taught to speak up for myself and debate at the kitchen table. But, like Amy, I don’t feel confident socially. I’d rather stay in my PJs and watch award shows from my sofa at home than be on the red carpet.” Brainy and bohemian The 40-year-old’s portrayal of the blunt-tongued, romantically challenged Ph.D. has earned Mayim the admiration of millions of fans of the show and several award nominations and wins, including the 2016 Critics’ Choice award for best supporting actress in a comedy series. Both Mayim and her alter ego hold neuroscience-related Ph.D.s. Mayim’s is in neuroscience; Amy Farrah Fowler’s is in neurobiology. “I studied how brains work and she slices them apart,” she jokes. “There’s perhaps a bit more crossover of my education and that of my character’s than there is for a lot of actors. But it’s a total coincidence that my two worlds collided,” she explains. “Actors are required to play all sorts of roles they have no experience with. The writers and cast of our show do an incredibly amazing job at scripting and portraying people in fields they don’t have formal training in.” Scientific role models Her affection for science was seeded on the set of Blossom and nurtured in her undergraduate years in college. Yet that real-life advanced degree might not hang on Mayim's wall if not for crossing paths with one college-age tutor when she was a teenager. “My life is perfectly imperfect. It’s messy and sometimes chaotic,” she adds. “I lose my keys when I’m already running late, my dryer eats one sock and I find myself needing to be two places at once. But those, and similar, everyday occurrences are part of a ‘real’ life.” As the star of the popular NBC sitcom Blossom, which aired for five seasons from 1990 to 1995, Mayim was tutored in her dressing room instead of attending a traditional school with spelling tests and recess. And schoolwork wasn’t necessarily her favorite part of the day. “I didn’t learn the way other kids did; science definitely didn’t come naturally to me,” she says. “But I had an amazing tutor, an undergraduate dental student at UCLA who’s now a dental surgeon. She was my first female role model geared toward science and made the topic accessible to me. She showed me that I had the ability to pursue science or anything I was interested in.” Mayim is proud of the examples set by the cast and crew on The Big Bang Theory. “It’s gratifying when people point out that we’re role models to young girls wanting to pursue scientific careers,” she says. “That’s the best way I can envision to give back to the woman who taught me that my scientific sky had no limit.” A not-so-ordinary life Mayim credits family role models for the work ethic that led to earning undergraduate degrees in neuroscience, Hebrew and Jewish studies in 2000. “I was raised in a very eclectic, Bohemian environment, but it was one that also featured a very strong educational ethic and the importance of earning a college degree,” Mayim explains. “My grandparents were immigrants and they impressed the importance of working hard and striving to find and reach my potential.” As a college student, Mayim quickly shed her Hollywood skin, immersing herself in campus life. Even after a grueling battle with an organic chemistry course, Mayim says college fed her voracious appetite for learning. “I was in awe of the neuron and absolutely fell in love with it. I loved how it was the smallest, most intimate level at which we could understand each experience and interaction we had as humans.” Completely enmeshed in what she calls an “ordinary life”—she gave birth to her first son, Miles, (with then husband, Michael), in 2005 while working on her Ph.D. After finishing school, her days were filled with making organic shampoo and baby food for Miles and then his brother, Frederick, born in 2008. “I’m a very crunchy granola kind of mom,” she says. Mayim credits her self-proclaimed “ordinary life” with helping her maintain her sense of grounding and balance. “I don’t have a housekeeper or a nanny to take my kids while I attend a Pilates class. I’d never pass judgment on those who do because that’s none of my business. Those things just aren’t right for me,” Mayim says. Hands on parenting Mayim’s strong connection to community and tradition contribute to her daily happiness. “I really love autumn and all the reasons to celebrate as a family. My sons’ birthdays are in early fall and we have the Jewish New Year in September.” Celebrating harvests and holidays within their four walls, as well as among family, neighbors and friends, have created some of her family’s favorite memories. “We love the rise of jack-o’-lanterns in LA, corn mazes and roasting pumpkin seeds. And my sons trick-or-treat annually with their father. Traditions and simple rituals contribute to helping maintain educational and emotional harmony for me and my children. It’s uplifting to rely on and take part in seasonal and religious celebrations.” “My life is perfectly imperfect. It’s messy and sometimes chaotic,” she adds. “I lose my keys when I’m already running late, my dryer eats one sock and I find myself needing to be two places at once. But those, and similar, everyday occurrences are part of a ‘real’ life. They’re what thousands of moms and dads experience every day and I think that commonality with peers is comforting to all parents.” However, Mayim admits she didn’t always embrace imperfection. “It’s something you have to come to terms with,” she says. “But accepting that you’re running late, forgot to wrap a birthday present or whatever imperfection that crosses your path means you’re living in the present. And that awareness allows you to soak up and enjoy all of life’s gifts granted every day.” This is an excerpt from a longer feature. To get the whole scoop on Mayim, download our digital edition or pick up a print copy at a news agent or supermarket near you. Want More? Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent With Stacy Kaiser Gina Roberts-Grey is an award-winning writer whose work has appeared in Family Circle, SELF and SUCCESS.
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Kids in the classroom.

4 Ideas Shaping the Future of Education

With adolescents increasingly experiencing anxiety, depression and other forms of mental illness, the need for change on a global scale for our youth has never been greater. The formation of the International Positive Education Network (IPEN) in 2014 paved the way to apply to education the principles of positive psychology, which research shows creates better outcomes, both academically and emotionally, for students. IPEN members advocate that developing students’ character strengths and well-being are as important as academic achievement to their future success and happiness. The organization’s goals include changing educational policies to recognize and include positive education principles and to then help put such programs into place. Although many positive education initiatives have been developed around the world, IPEN brings them together. “We needed a way to share best practices and try to form all of those disparate things that are happening into a global movement,” explained Lord James O’Shaughnessy, chair of the IPEN steering committee. In July, IPEN held its inaugural Festival of Positive Education in Dallas, offering workshops and presentations to some 800 attendees from more than 30 countries. Academics and positive psychology experts traded ideas on introducing classroom practices. Although the event was geared toward education, it provided plenty of takeaways for life outside of the classroom. Here are four of our favorites. 1. Grit takes a team Author and psychology professor Angela Duckworth, Ph.D., has almost single-handedly brought the word “grit” to the forefront of conversation. But she said an individual child’s grit isn’t the only factor that determines his or her success. “Grit is not just something that you have yourself, it’s also the resources you have with other people.” That means we can increase our grit by drawing upon the strength of those around us, and we also can help boost the resilience and grit of other people in our lives. “When I interview people…who have accomplished incredible physical feats, you have to realize they have around them people who don’t let them quit. Sometimes, it’s not their grit [that drives them], it’s the grit of people who care about them,” Angela said. She emphasized that such encouragement is different from forcing others to participate in activities they aren’t passionate about; grit is about learning to persevere when times are difficult, when your team isn’t winning or you’re no longer at the top of your class. “What a powerful thing to wake up and say, ‘We do things when they’re hard.…we never lose hope; we are the ones who look for hope and change.’ ” 2. Parents: Positive psychology's missing piece? Today, positive psychology is accessed in many different ways: Organizations teach its principles to improve business practices; higher education institutions make it part of curriculum and even elementary and high schools are finding ways to include it. Where it’s still lacking, though, is in reaching parents directly, said Lea Waters, Ph.D., founder of the Australia-based Positive Detective, a school-based well-being program. “The topic of parenting has been neglected in positive psychology,” she said, noting that from 2006 through 2014 only 1.7 percent of the articles published in positive psychology journals focused on parenting. “It’s a missing piece of the puzzle.” Finding a way to do that may present a challenge for positive psychology practitioners, but it’s a problem that should no longer be ignored, according to Lea. “Not every child goes to school; many of them are home-schooled,” she points out. “And not every adult goes to a workplace every day. How are we going to reach them?” 3. Focus on the positive Being mindful of what you’re focusing on matters more today than ever before, said contemporary historian Sir Anthony Seldon, vice-chancellor of the University of Buckingham. As co-founder and first director of the Centre for Contemporary British History and co-founder of Action for Happiness, he offered unique insight into the intersection of world politics and positive psychology. And never, he said, has global politics been in greater need of an infusion of positivity. When the media focuses on what’s wrong with a country, a leader or a political group, he explained, it creates a fearful, negative mindset that permeates an entire culture and can have long-lasting repercussions. Individually, we can begin changing that mindset by re-evaluating what we listen to and where we focus our energy. “There will always be demagogues who try to pull people apart. They work on fear rather than operating on a positive vision,” he said. However, “…there will always be people who define themselves primarily by their humanity. Positive psychology pulls us toward what we share in common with others.” Learning to appreciate our commonalities instead of arguing over our differences is critical to how we progress globally. “We must encourage our sense of identity, based on our common humanity. Those who would see our differences as something to be feared and separated will only lead to a more violent, divided world.” 4. Check the facts As a broadcast journalist, Michelle Gielan knew the importance of checking the facts in her stories. But as a positive psychology researcher, she’s found that same skill can help each of us improve our well-being. The Broadcasting Happiness author reported that people who read negative news could actually have positive reactions, but only if they were offered solutions to the problems they’d just read about. A study she conducted with Arianna Huffington found that when readers were offered solutions, they not only showed an improved attitude toward the news they’d just read but also increased their overall creative problem-solving abilities by 20 percent. “If we can remind the brain that there is a path forward in one domain, we actually empower [ourselves] to take positive action and become more creative problem solvers in other areas.” To do that, she recommended a three-step fact-checking process to overcome negative thinking and obstacles: 1. Isolate the negative thought. “When someone is overwhelmed, you start by finding out what, at the core, is stressing them out?” For example, if someone is stressed out about work, find that core thought—such as the fear of missing an important deadline. 2. List known facts. “Strip out the emotions,” she suggested, then examine the truths surrounding that negative thought. In the case of work, that might mean listing what needs to happen in order for that deadline to be met, and what obstacles stand in the way. 3. List the new set of facts that can illuminate the situation. This could include looking at who else could help meet this deadline, or even considering seeing if the deadline can be extended. “It’s not about disproving the old story, it’s about seeing the rest of the picture,” she explained. “If we can guide people to this solution-focused and resource-focused response…that’s when you empower them.” Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Born to Love

Humans are social creatures. Sure, some of us like a little solitude now and then, but even introverts need to feel connected, cared for and understood. Our DNA compels us to seek relationships that satisfy those needs. From the most basic viewpoint, the biological need for connection may stem from the survival instinct; propagation and protection of the human species depend on the bonds of our relationships. But love and connection provide much deeper benefits than a simple response to the instinct to survive. Positive relationships contribute to better physical and mental health, longevity and, yes, happiness. Although your closest relationships, those with your partner, children and inner circle of friends, are most essential to your well-being and life fulfillment, feeling connected at work or in your community also contributes to happiness. You may not define your work or social connections as love, but when nurtured, they can stimulate a physical and emotional response that mirrors the benefits of close personal relationships. In his book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman presents evidence that social connection is as important to our survival as food and shelter. In fact, positive relationships are one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction. In a Harvard study of nearly 300 men over the course of 75 years, having meaningful relationships is identified as the only thing that truly matters in life. George Vaillant, one of the principal researchers, noted in his book Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study that even when the men had money, health and good careers, they weren’t happy unless they had strong, positive relationships. And it isn’t just emotional wellness that love and connection confer. In a recent meta-analysis of 148 smaller studies, researchers at Brigham Young University showed that loneliness and social isolation are just as deadly as obesity, smoking and other extremely negative factors. John Cacioppo, Ph.D., is the director of the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience and has studied the causes and effects of loneliness for many years; he is also the author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. When a person feels socially isolated, John has found, his or her body produces more of the stress hormone cortisol. As time goes on, too much cortisol in the system leads to organ wear and tear, which in turn can lead to a variety of maladies from depression to high blood pressure to major strokes. But if loneliness hurts, love and companionship heal, boosting both our health and our happiness. The biology of love “Just as your body was designed to extract oxygen from the Earth’s atmosphere and nutrients from the foods you ingest, your body was designed to love,” says Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D., director of the Positive Emotions & Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a leading researcher on the benefits of connection and the author of Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection. “Love—like taking a deep breath, or eating an orange when you’re depleted and thirsty—not only feels great but is also life-giving, an indispensable source of energy, sustenance and health,” Barbara says. When you feel loving, kind and trusting toward someone, Barbara says, your brain releases oxytocin into your body. Oxytocin is the calming and connecting hormone. What’s more, when your body releases oxytocin, it can stimulate a release of oxytocin in the other person, Barbara says. That’s why a crying child can often be calmed by a loving parent’s touch. It’s also how mutual trust is fostered in relationships. Besides producing oxytocin when we have warm and trusting feelings for another person, our bodies quell production of the stress hormone cortisol. This tandem event—a boost in oxytocin and a tamping down of cortisol—allows us to handle stressful situations, such as a conflict with a spouse or business person, more easily. Just as important as oxytocin’s role in our ability to connect with others is that of our vagus nerve, which links our brains to our hearts and other organs. The vagus nerve regulates the heartbeat and, working with oxytocin, stimulates the “calm and connect” response, Barbara says. “It stimulates tiny facial muscles that better enable you to make eye contact and synchronize your facial expressions with another person,” she says, adding that it even allows our ears to better distinguish another person’s voice against background noise. Finally, we are built not just to connect and love, but also to share those loving, good vibes. A 20-year study of 4,739 people known as the Framingham Heart Study concluded that happiness is contagious, spreading from person to person. Love is all you need Relationships compose one of the largest pillars upon which our happiness is built. So take time out for the people who matter to you. Deepen your existing relationships and be open to forming new connections. The three stories shared here show how, by nurturing the positive in a variety of relationships—with a spouse, family or one’s co-workers—life becomes rich in the truest sense of the word. Because when considering the famous question, “What’s love got to do with it?” the answer, as far as your happiness is concerned, is everything. Shawn Achor and Michell Gielan: When happiness experts fall in love A former TV reporter and anchor Michelle Gielan had shifted her career path to pursue a master’s in positive psychology. As part of her coursework, Michelle had read—and loved—Shawn Achor’s book The Happiness Advantage. So when she needed a mentor in her new field, she e-mailed the Harvard-trained happiness expert and asked to set up a meeting. It wasn’t the only reason she was looking forward to meeting him. “I had definitely looked at the back flap of the book and seen his picture,” Michelle laughs. A few short months after that first meeting, the two began dating and today they are married and have a toddler son, Leo. Shawn and Michelle knew that having healthy relationships is one of the greatest predictors of long-term happiness. In their own relationship, they’ve learned first-hand that by being intentional every day about the way they interact with each other, they can strengthen their marriage and add to each other’s happiness. “When we see each other for the first time after we’ve been away on a trip or for just a few hours, we always make sure to start our interaction by sharing something positive that’s happening,” Michelle says. Making the initial encounter a positive one sets the tone for the rest of the day. They also help each other recognize less-than-positive attitudes and behaviors so they can be stopped or adjusted. “We call each other out when one of us is going down an unproductive thought path,” Shawn says, “and suddenly you realize that the negativity isn’t going anywhere—it’s just spinning you around on an emotional cycle.” By the same token, when either party is stressed by work, travel or parenthood, the other asks for three good things that are happening at that instant. “So if she asks me to do that, suddenly I’ll realize, yeah, I’m traveling to give a talk on happiness that will help people,” Shawn says. “Or we’re on our way to the airport for a great, fun vacation. Or I’m with the people I love.” During disagreements, Michelle explains that the first thing to consider is that the other person is coming from a place of love. “I know that he’s got my back. So when we have a disagreement, we’re disagreeing about the thing, the event, not the other person fundamentally. And we’re also very big on communicating along the way, talking issues through as they pop up, so that they stay small things and don’t become big things.” Gary and Vicki Flenniken: More to love For 14 years, Gary and Vicki Flenniken lived full, mostly happy lives as a DINK couple (double income, no kids). But they felt that something was missing. They tried for years to have children and finally went through fertility testing. But just three days after Vicki began treatments, Gary’s old friend called in the midst of a family crisis. She told Gary that Child Protective Services (CPS) had removed her sister’s two children—one of whom was an infant—from her home and they were now in the friend’s care. The friend was panicked: She already had four children and felt overwhelmed. Gary and Vicki immediately offered to care for the baby. Suddenly, they were parents. “We brought her into our home with zero preparation. We didn’t have bottles, a bedroom for a baby, diapers; we didn’t have anything,” Gary says. Anything, that is, except love to share in abundance. During the next two years, the Flennikens waded through the long process of adoption and continued to love the little girl, whom they knew could be taken away from them at any moment. “It was an incredibly stressful time that taught us how to pray. We understand lamentations,” he says. “The joy, the relief that finally came when the judge said she was legally ours was overwhelming.” Ten years after welcoming their daughter, Sydney, into their lives, a phone call expanded their family once again. “We got a call from a friend who said her daughter was pregnant and in jail. She asked if we could be of any help finding a place for the baby,” Gary says. After hanging up, he turned to his wife and asked, “Are you ready for a baby?” Months later, Gary and Vicki watched their new adoptive son come into the world. The hospital even prepared a room for them and had Vicki snuggle the newborn on her bare chest to encourage bonding. Concerned that the baby may have been exposed to harmful drugs while still in the womb, doctors kept the baby, Zach, in the hospital for five days to watch for withdrawal symptoms. Because of that concern, hospital staff also contacted CPS to check on the woman’s other three children. A few months later, a caseworker told the Flennikens they needed a home for Zach’s two older brothers, ages 2 and 3. And a few short months after that, their older sister, Kylah, who had been living with her grandmother, joined the family. In less than a year, their family grew from three to seven members. “I wouldn’t trade any of it,” Gary says. For the first time in our life, we’re looking for places where kids eat free on Tuesday nights.” They laugh a lot, but sometimes there are tears, too. “The 2-year-old had been burned in hot water and was just traumatized when we put him in the bathtub the first time,” Vicki recalls. While his older brother splashed and played in the water, the little one screamed, “Hot, hot! Burn, burn!” “For 14 days, he just screamed at bath time, and it broke my heart. The first time he took a bath and didn’t cry, it was amazing,” Vicki says. “It took 14 days for him to trust me. God makes these little people so trusting. We need to learn from that. You can start over, and life can be good again. Now when we say, ‘Hey, it’s bath time,’ he’s the first one running up the stairs.” Gary and Vicki expect there to be ups and downs as the children grow and bond with them, but, says Gary, “We are blessed beyond belief, and we want people to know that adopting is a way to bring joy not just to the child, but to the entire family. We couldn’t be happier.” Jenn Lim and Ton Hsieh: Happy at work A 2013 Gallup report, State of the American Workplace, shows that happy workers are good for business: They’re more productive, more loyal and make the office a more enjoyable place to work. Jenn Lim, chief happiness officer of the Zappos spinoff consulting group Delivering Happiness, can attest to that: She was instrumental in helping Zappos founder Tony Hsieh create an environment where employees feel respected, cared for and connected. In 2003, the company was growing and its customer service was unparalleled, but the culture needed some work. Tony suggested that Zappos should hire people whom existing employees might “also enjoy hanging out with after work,” he recalls in his book Delivering Happiness. A movement was born, starting with the development of 10 core values based on input from everyone in the company. Two of those values include “Build open and honest relationships with communication” and “Build a positive team and family spirit.” Living up to these core values is part of an employee’s job description. One of the most enduring aspects of Zappos’ culture—one that has defined it from the start—is its sense of connectedness. “We are more than just a team—we are a family,” Tony explains in Delivering Happiness, where he tells how this quality is driven home by Robin P., an employee who lost her husband very suddenly. Robin’s first phone call conveying the news was not to a relative, but to her employer, Zappos. “That one action made me realize the strong connection I felt with my co-workers and the Zappos culture. It was essentially my home away from home.” Zappos gave her the time she needed, volunteered to cater the funeral service, offered her a shoulder to cry on and was her “refuge” and “healing place.” “We watch out for each other,” Tony says in Delivering Happiness, “care for each other, and go above and beyond for each other, because we believe in each other and we trust each other. We work together, but we also play together. Our bonds go far beyond the typical co-worker relationships found at most companies.” Jenn echoes this sentiment. “A sense of connectedness, that is, meaningful relationships, is one of the most sustainable forms of happiness. Relationships matter because people don’t show up to work because they have to—but because they want to be with their friends, their tribe. And they matter because people tend to go above and beyond when they share mutual respect and trust.” This excerpt is from the book Live Happy: 10 Practices for Choosing Joy, available online and at bookstores near you. Deborah K. Heisz is the CEO and Editorial Director of Live Happy.
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