Positive Grieving

A More Positive Way of Grieving

I’ve been interested in the grieving process since I was 14 years old.My brother died in a tragic accident trying to save his fiancée’s life.It was a late summer night in Long Beach, New York. She was drowning, he ran into the water to try to rescue her.She survived, he did not. It was my first intimate encounter with grief, touching the cold skin of a dead body, and learning to ride the roller coaster of emotions that come with mourning a loved one. Since that time, I have also buried my mother, my half-brother, aunts, uncles and grandmother. I’ve had friends die young. I’ve buried my dear friend’s mothers and fathers. I’ve attended the funeral of many close to me. I have supported many people in their grieving journeys—a journey that’s never over. You never really get closure. Instead, you savor the bitter-sweetness of reminiscing. Ritual and Remembrance Last Saturday marked another loss; my best friend’s father passed away. He suffered a heart attack on the tennis court playing with his friends, one of the many physical joys he savored. Monday would have been his 76th birthday. The family had birthday dinner plans and they kept them. We set a place for him at the table, got him a balloon, ate a delicious meal, including his favorite cake, and we sang “Happy Birthday.” Then we lit a candle and took turns while each person recounted a special memory about him. Not only was it an incredibly moving experience, it was a beautiful demonstration of the power of positive psychology put into practice and positive grieving. Positive psychology is defined as the scientific study of optimal human functioning. It aims to move people north of neutral, rather than treating depressed people in order to get to a baseline of happiness. Positive grieving is a way of grieving that does not just get a person out of the negative and back to baseline; it isa form of grieving that builds cognitive, emotional and social resources along the way. The key is using the power of ritual and preventatively building those muscles so that they are there for you and your family during times of need. Many people turn to positive interventions in the heat of the moment and wonder why they didn’t work. I’ve had people tell me, “I tried that deep breathing stuff and it didn’t help me.” “Oh yeah?When did you try it?” I’d ask. “I was having a panic attack, and I tried to take deep breaths to calm down,” they would reply. Well, that’s like running a marathon when you’ve never run a 5K. The purpose of these practices is that you do them over and over so that they become available to you in times of need because you’ve developed that muscle. Building the Muscle According to Jan Stanley (MAPP), who writes frequently on positive psychology, habits, practices and rituals each serve different functions. A habit is abehavior repeated so often it becomes automatic. A practice is an activity that is performed to acquire or improve a skill. And a ritual is a behavior that is performed with symbolic actions that anchor an experience. My best friend’s family has gathered for every birthday dinner and performed this candle ritual for decades. The rituals they’ve performed built a reservoir of social capital in their family. They deepened trust, belonging and safety. And at a time when they needed it most, the ritual—in all its meaning—was there for them. I was profoundly honored to witness their process. We wept together and shared memories. Everyone supported each other and they celebrated his life. I kept thinking, this is positive psychology in practice. Routines provide comfort and predictability in life. Rituals unite people and elevate the ordinary to the extraordinary. Living Through Loss Loss is something that everyone will face at some point in their life. And while you can never prepare for what it will be like to receive that call, you can identify the practices and rituals you share with your friends and family, that build your social glue and networks of support. Bring people together to share, connect and celebrate. Then, you and your community, can stand by each other’s side, hold each other through the tears and build a buttress of support to get through life’s dark days. Read more: 9 Best Books for Dealing With Grief and Loss Emiliya Zhivotovskaya is the CEO and founder of The Flourishing Center, a New York City-based, Benefit Corporation (B-Corp) that is dedicated to increasing the flourishing of individuals, organizations and communities worldwide. She is the creator of the acclaimed Certification in Applied Positive Psychology (CAPP) program, currently offered in 12 cities across the U.S., Canada and online. She holds a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Positive Psychology and is currently pursuing her Ph.D. in Mind-Body Medicine from Saybrook University. Emiliya holds a PCC credential with the International Coaching Federation (ICF), as well as over a dozen certifications, ranging from yoga to Thai massage, biofeedback, motivational interviewing and more.
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How to Be Single and Happy with Jenny Taitz

Dr. Jenny Taitz is is a board-certified cognitive behavioral clinical psychologist who offers people proven tools to enhance their life. She has presented her novel clinical application on mindfulness and managing emotions at national and international conferences. Her new book, How to Be Single and Happy, applies those principles to life in the dating world. What you'll learn in this episode: How to make the most of a bad date How to feel less lonely while looking for love How to look for love in a healthier way Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Purchase her book How to Be Single and Happy. Follow Dr. Jenny on Twitter and Facebook.
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Tips for a Long and Healthy Life with Merlin Thomas

Merlin Thomas is a physician, scientist and program leader in the newly created Department of Diabetes at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia. Merlin is widely recognized as an opinion leader, researcher and medical storyteller, and he specializes in how to live longer…and better. He’s author of several best-selling books including The Longevity List and Fast Living Slow Aging as well as his podcast The Chopping List. What you'll learn in this episode: How caffeine can help improve your life (really!) The truth about red wine and longevity What sugar is doing to your health Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Purchase his book The Longevity List: Myth Busting The Top Ways to Live a Long and Healthy Life. Follow Merlin on Facebook.
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Attitude of Gratitude with MJ Ryan

MJ Ryan is one of the creators of the Random Acts of Kindness book series and the author of several books, including The Happiness Makeover, The Power of Patience and Attitudes of Gratitude. MJ has mastered the art of living in gratitude, and says that anyone can find more joy by applying this simple practice. She’ll teach us how we can improve our workplace, our relationships and our personal lives with a little more gratitude. What you'll learn in this episode: The value of gratitude How to practice gratitude during difficult times How gratitude can improve your relationships Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about MJ on her website. Purchase her book Attitudes of Gratitude: How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your Life. Follow her on Twitter.
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Neat Home Office.

Tackle Work Stress With These Practical Tips

The workplace: It’s where we spend one-third of each day and at least 90,000 hours in a lifetime. Research by Harvard Medical School, UCLA and the RAND Corporation found that the workplace in America is a “physically and emotionally taxing” place. What’s more, two-thirds of Americans say they work under tight deadlines, with 25 percent saying they lack the time to do their jobs. Yet, when employees have higher levels of well-being at work, everyone wins. Employees enjoy their lives more in and out of the workplace, and employers see an increase in productivity. Invest in Wellness A 2010 study published in the journal Health Affairs found that for every dollar a company spends on a wellness program, its return on investment is $3.27. Employees feel valued their company cares about their well-being and, in turn, employee performance more than doubles, according to a study by Right Management. Researchers also found employees who take advantage of wellness programs contribute the equivalent of an extra day of work in productivity every month. Toni Farris, a certified yoga instructor in Plano, Texas, teaches the art of mindfulness to businesses large and small. “We have a culture of suffering,” she says. “The more suffering you do, the more important you are.” We wear our overworked status as a badge of honor, which may lead, she explains, to a false sense of value and security. “It’s not helpful.” She should know. Before embarking on her mindful journey, Toni worked for the accounting firm Arthur Andersen, and the stress wreaked havoc on her health. Overworking yourself leads to stress, she notes. The decision-making process narrows and the quality of the work can be affected. “Strategy and balance, both physical and emotional, come from a relaxed place,” she says. Talk with your human resources department to bring someone like Toni into the office. If a mindfulness consultant isn’t an option, she offers a few tips to get you started: Be Nice Compassion is a kind of social superglue that holds everything together. Christopher Kukk, Ph.D., author of The Compassionate Achiever: How Helping Others Fuels Success, finds that compassion can create a friendlier and happier workplace, increase productivity and improve health. “When we think from a compassionate mindset, we release the peptide hormone oxytocin, which then activates the neurotransmitters dopamine (brain reward) and serotonin (anxiety reduction), which facilitate happiness and optimism—two characteristics that contribute to success,” he says. To change your mindset to be more compassionate at work, Christopher recommends changing your feelings about achieving success. “If you believe, for instance, that your own as well as your organizational successes were achieved by you alone, then you are—simply stated—lying to yourself,” he says. He suggests reflecting on how your success has benefited from others. This will make you more inclined to contribute to the successes of your colleagues. “When compassion flows, a business grows,” he adds. Get More Shut-Eye According to The Sainsbury’s Living Well Index conducted by Oxford Economics and the National Centre for Social Research in the U.K., 50 percent of participants polled would rather have a good night’s sleep than a pay raise. Matthew Walker, Ph.D., Director of UC Berkeley’s Sleep and Neuroimaging Lab and author of the new book Why We Sleep, says that more than $400 billion in our economy is lost due to poor sleeping habits. What’s more, sleep deficits make us more prone to lying at work and other deviant behaviors. The sleepless also lack in areas of creativity, problem solving and charisma. “Every key facet required for business success will fail when sleep becomes short within an organization,” he says. One thing we can do is drop the mindset that more sleep equates to laziness. “The global sleep-loss epidemic is fast becoming one of the greatest public health challenges of the 21st century,” he says. “I hope the many chapters on the disease, sickness and ill health that comes by way of sleep loss makes this case clear.” Aside from the obvious health benefits of sleep—it builds a strong immune system, lowers risks of stroke, heart attacks, diabetes and depression—it also improves our performance at work. Employees who sleep more, according to Matthew’s book, earn more money, too. Just an extra hour of sleep can improve your financial situation. Quick Biz Tips TAKE A STAND • According the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reducing occupational sitting by 66 minutes per day can boost your mood and reduce upper back and neck pain. EAT LUNCH WITH COLLEAGUES • Cornell University researchers studied firehouses in large cities and witnessed that workgroup performance was enhanced when firefighters broke bread together. KEEP IT POSITIVE • In her book Conscious Communications, entrepreneur and author Mary Shores recommends stopping yourself when you start to think or talk in a negative way. She says that the words we use define who we are, and the negativity can spread throughout an office and even to the customer. Toni’s Tips for Tackling Stress BEFORE WORK:  • Use an alarm clock with a soothing tone. Waking up in a panic is never good. • Try getting ready in the morning without the TV or radio. Incorporate more silence. • Add an extra 20 to 30 minutes to your routine so you are not in a rush. AT WORK: • Find a quiet space in your office for about 10 to 15 minutes, and use a mindfulness/meditation app. In a pinch, use your car. • After lunch is the best time to relax. Rest and digest is the opposite of fight or flight. You will feel better for the remainder of the day after a constructive rest. • If possible, let your co-workers know you need time to process any requests before committing. AFTER WORK: • Set boundaries with yourself and work. Don’t answer emails or calls after a certain time. • Turn off electronics one hour before bed. This will help your brain decompress. Chris Libby is the Section Editor at Live Happy magazine.
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3 New Year’s Resolutions for Optimists

To those of you who are optimists, like us, who push yourselves to exhaustion to be better every day and are way too hard on yourselves when you don’t hit your own irrationally high standards, we have some advice for you: Stop it. This time, we are approaching end-of-year goal setting in a new way. The research in Shawn’s book The Happiness Advantage shows that we have our thinking backward when we assume that success will lead to happiness when, in truth, having a positive mindset is the greatest predictor of our sustained success. Goals are important, and you may have lots of them, but the best way to achieve them is to start with positivity. So, the key to next year is focusing on the good things in this year. Our three resolutions for optimists are based on new positive psychology research. Resolution No. 1: Be the same in the new year as you were last year. Why does a resolution have to force you to be different? Instead of striving to do something you’ve never done before, like learn Spanish or write a novel, repeat patterns that worked well for you this year. In Before Happiness, Shawn outlines research that shows only two things motivate a brain: seeing that the finish line is close and seeing progress. So, the list you should make for Jan. 1 is not a list of “never-dones,” but rather a list of “dones”—areas you have seen progress in your life that you want to build upon. Think back over the past year. What led to your best moments? Was it taking time to have a date night? Was it saving money so you could vacation in wine country? Whatever it was, resolve to do it again. In research, some say that the best predictor of future performance is past performance. We don’t fully agree with that because it ignores the potential for big change. In general, the only way big change can occur is by repeating a pattern of positive behavior that leads to success. So, instead of starting something new, do even more of what’s already been working for you. What’s the favorite part of who you were this year? Keep it going! Resolution No. 2: For one year, don’t repeat a previous resolution. If starting a yoga practice has been on your list for three years and you still haven’t done it, it’s time to take it off your list. You are better off showing your brain progress rather than continually reminding it of failure. This goes along perfectly with the character strengths research that shows you are better off capitalizing on one of your strengths rather than spending all your time on fixing the weaknesses. When you beat yourself up mentally for your weak areas, you waste mental resources that could be better used on your strengths. Resolution No. 3: Stop saying how happy you will be when you hit this goal. There are admittedly a few hours of anticipatory joy when you make your resolutions for the next year, when you think about how amazing things will be. But that is often quickly replaced by reality. It is much better to peg your happiness to positive things in the past and good things in the present. This is scary for optimists like us who love thinking about the future and talking about new plans. We found as a couple we’d spend time on our vacation dreaming about future vacations, and in doing so, our brains were not in the present. So instead, resolve to be happy today. Do not worry that this will make you content to not grow in the next year. The Happiness Advantage research is clear: Create happiness and every aspect of your life improves in the future. That’s incredible! Moreover, if your goal is to lose 10 pounds, that is an excellent goal. But you will not necessarily be happier, even if you think you will. We bet today alone you met several skinny people who are quite unhappy. Getting a promotion or hitting a sales target are good goals, but you will not necessarily be happier when you attain them. The gain in happiness from money is negligible. There is no known correlation between the number of books you read, how many languages you speak, whether or not you go skydiving and happiness. So many of the things that fill up your resolutions will not make this a happier year. Things that scientifically will make you happier? Being grateful daily for the past and present. Journaling about positive experiences. Making someone else’s year better through an act of kindness. Being resolved to be happy and kind today, focusing on your strengths and giving yourself a break are the keys to your best year ever. Listen to our podcast: The Happiness Advantage With Shawn Achor Read more: Which Kind of Goal-Setter Are You? SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with over 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. His latest book is called Big Potential. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success and the author of Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national news anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.
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How to Live a Full Life with Thomas Moore

Thomas Moore is the New York Times bestselling author of Care of the Soul, as well as many other books on deepening soul and cultivating a mature spiritual life, three of which have received the Books for a Better Life Award. At turns he has been a monk, a musician, a university professor, and a psychotherapist. Today he lectures widely on creating a more soulful world and spirituality. What you'll learn in this episode: How to keep your youth in a deep way How spirituality can mature and become more important over time How to value your life by leaving a conscious legacy for your family and your society Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about Thomas on his website. Purchase his book Agless Soul: The Lifelong Journey Toward Meaning and Joy. Follow him on his Twitter and Facebook.
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Soulful Simplicity with Courtney Carver

Courtney Carver is one of the world’s top bloggers on the topic of minimalism and author of the new book, Soulful Simplicity. Courtney’s simple experiment to live with less stuff grew into a complete overhaul of her mind, body and spirit. She found that clearing her physical space improved her psychological space, too—and has learned firsthand how ridding ourselves of excess can actually lead to enjoying more of what life has to offer. What you'll learn in this episode: The value of learning to live with less What we can learn about ourselves as we begin clearing clutter How living more simply can improve your relationships Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about Courtney on her website. Purchase her book Soulful Simplicity. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
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A Journey Through Anxiety with Andrea Petersen

Andrea Petersen is a science and health reporter who hasn’t just studied anxiety from a reporter’s standpoint; she has lived with it. Her new book, On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety gives an honest and heartfelt account of living with anxiety and how she learned to come to terms with it. Andrea looks at how anxiety affected her, how she overcame it, and shows us some of the groundbreaking research that’s being done on anxiety. What you'll learn in this episode: Why not all anxiety is bad What practices can help you overcome anxiety How living in the moment can change your relationship with anxiety Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about Andrea on her website. Purchase her book On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety on Amazon. Follow Andrea on her Twitter.
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Giving Back with BJ Thomas

Singer BJ Thomas has enjoyed nearly half a century in the music business, selling more than 70 million records and winning multiple Dove and Grammy awards. When Hurricane Harvey devastated his hometown of Houston, he knew he wanted to help, and that his music was the best way to do that. Here’s how he turned a song into a cause, and what it means to him to be able to give back. What you'll learn in this episode: Why recording the song "We Are Houston" was so important to him How he finds positivity in his everyday life What role a strong marriage has played in his success Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more BJ Thomas on his website. Learn more about his "We Are Houston" song and campaign. Follow him on his Twitter and Facebook.
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