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Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Becoming a Happy Leader With Tia Graham  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 389 of Live Happy Now. Not everyone feels that work and happiness go hand in hand. But today's guest believes that not only can you find happiness at work, but you must. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week I'm sitting down with Tia Graham, a certified chief happiness officer, Founder of the company Arrive at Happy, and author of the new book, Be a Happy Leader.   Tia has multiple certifications in neuroscience, positive psychology, and leadership coaching, and she works with executives and teams to help create happier workplaces. Today, she's here to teach us how we can find more happiness at work. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:45] PF: Tia, thank you so much for coming on Live Happy Now. [00:00:48] TG: Thank you for having me. [00:00:51] PF: Work has long been a challenge for people, and it's so important because it's something that we spend most of our time doing, and there's a lot of unhappiness in the workplace. I wondered, in your studies, in your research, what made you decide to focus on leaders in the workplace? [00:01:10] TG: Yes. So prior to starting my company, Arrive at Happy, I was a director of sales and marketing, a leader in the luxury hotel industry and different places in the United States and Europe. So I was a leader of teams for 14 years. Positive leadership was always very, very important to me. I took it as an honor, leading people. In my 14 years of leadership in the hotel industry, I had some incredible inspirational happy leaders, and I also had the complete opposite. I had some toxic, very negative leaders. One of my big missions is to have more happy leaders in the world of work. Then when I started researching the levels of disengagement with leaders, that was another big motivation. Also, the science of happiness isn't extremely well known within corporate America. So, yeah, lots of motivation to bring this into work. [00:02:12] PF: What is the difference between unhappiness at the leadership level and unhappiness at the employee level? Have you seen any differentiation? [00:02:21] TG: So it's actually quite similar, and this is all of the Gallup research. There's a little bit more disengagement at the employee level, but it's pretty close. In terms of people who are actively disengaged in both groups, it's around 13 to 15 percent, so really everyone's interconnected. [00:02:42] PF: Because you tend to think that leaders, at least from an employee standpoint, employees think, well, they should be happier. They're making more money. They get to take some time off for golf. Whatever it is, it seems like leaders should have it a little bit easier when it comes to happiness. They're in a little bit more comfortable position. [00:03:00] TG: Yeah. There is some correlation, like how you reference being able to play golf. There is some correlation between how much money you make and how happy you are and having less stress and anxiety about money. Really, some leaders have more time affluence, right? They have more time for friends and family, for hobbies, etc. Also, though, with leadership comes more stress, more anxiety, more pressure. So there's different challenges as well. [00:03:31] PF: The leaders that you have worked with that you've seen, is that happiness kind of an innate thing, that they are naturally happy people, and they bring it to the workplace? Or is it something that they've had to work at? [00:03:43] TG: So the research shows, and this aligns exactly with all of the companies that I've been working with over the past six years, is there's a group of people who are more genetically predisposed to be happier, and life circumstances do play a part. But there are some leaders who actively make choices that increase their wellbeing and create sustainable wellbeing. Then there are some leaders who do not, right? Who do not prioritize their own happiness and focus on whether it be their physical wellbeing, emotional wellbeing, mental health, psychological, investing in their relationships. As I said, little bit genetically predisposed. But then there are some people who truly make this a priority and focus on it and others who don't. [00:04:40] PF: What kind of outcomes do you see in the leaders, and what are the differences in the outcomes they see in their workplace? [00:04:47] TG: So a leader who is happy at work is more productive. So they work faster and they work smarter. They are more creative and innovative, as their brain broadens and builds with more positive emotions. They have higher rates of employee, team member loyalty, less unwanted turnover. Motivation within the team is higher. Sales are higher. There's a direct correlation between sales, and the customer service scores are higher as well. That all translates to the engagement scores, which most companies do engagement surveys once a year. [00:05:27] PF: There’s actually a cost to the company of unhappiness and stress in the workplace. [00:05:32] TG: Yes. Yes, absolutely. Whether it be the cost of recruiting, hiring, training, the cost of knowledge drain, when people leave, the cost of customer unhappiness or customers not being satisfied, and then putting that out on social media or choosing not to come back to that business as well. There's this huge phenomenon happening called quiet quitting, where people are doing the bare minimum, right? You think about the cost of productivity there, which directly relates to engagement. There is also the cost of potential revenue. The research shows that when sales or business development professionals are happy while they're working, they'll sell 37 to 45 percent more. So if you have a lot of your sales force that isn't feeling that great, they're not making as much money for the organization as well. [00:06:36] PF: So interesting because I think if more people equated the financial outcomes with happiness, they might kind of change the approach. So how do people start changing that mindset? Because, obviously, this has to start at the top for you to change the organization. So how do they start changing that? [00:06:57] TG: Yes. So the world of work is changing fast and for the better. I'm actually very optimistic about where it's going and how it's going to benefit humans globally. There are some organizations. Like Deloitte, for example, has achieved wellbeing officer at the very top, Jen Fisher. So leaders at the top, if you think about the CEO and the executive team, is first to understand about positive psychology, the science of happiness and the neuroscience behind happiness. Also understand and be motivated by the direct connection between happy employees and business outputs. To see the correlation, how it directly affects the bottom line, right, just what we were talking about earlier. Then be committed to creating a positive work culture and focusing on supporting the whole being all different aspects of people's lives. In addition to continuing to focus on productivity and output and driving results, focus equally as much on the relationships and how people feel, cultivating a sense of belonging, making sure that people have psychological safety, diversity, equity, and inclusion, and so on. Really investing in leadership training and development, as well as measurement to make sure that people are feeling happy, they're feeling engaged, and that the executive team can see, can be proactive, if there's an area of need, if there's a leader that's not creating this type of culture. [00:08:41] PF: So what do people do in situations, where maybe you have an organization, and the top leader or the CEO, owner, whatever it is, is not happy, is not going to be happy, is not going to buy into this? How then does a team underneath that start making it happen? Because that's something I have seen a lot of, where you have a leader who is a bully, really. It's a situation where they want things done a certain way, and they don't care about happiness. They don't care about wellbeing. They just want it done. So how does the rest of the team then create an environment that can kind of override that? [00:09:21] TG: Yes, such a great question. I was in that exact situation when I worked for five hotels in New York City, and the leader above me was just as you described, and then I had a team that worked for me that I truly wanted to create a bubble. So the first step is to know that even though everyone at the top might not be a happy positive leader, it doesn't mean that you can't create a positive culture within your team and to never underestimate the ripple effect that you have with your coworkers and with the people that you work with because emotions are contagious. Mirror neurons in our brain have us feel the way that other people are feeling around us, whether it be virtual or in person. So just to remember that you truly can have a positive effect on people, and to look at strategies and tools for you to contribute to make the team happy, as well as make yourself happy. There's a wonderful book by Dr. Annie McKee called How to Be Happy at Work. So for anyone listening, who's not necessarily a leader but really wants to increase their happiness at work, there's a lot of great actions in there, proven actions in there for how you can increase your wellbeing, even if maybe the CEO or executives aren't that happy. [00:10:49] PF: That's great, and that's great to know there's a resource out there for that because that is becoming more and more important for people and especially with Gen Z entering the workforce. I think that's really going to change the way that leaders have to create an environment because Gen Z places such an importance on mental health. You think that is going to help turn this tide too and help us realize like we really need to foster a culture of happiness and creativity? [00:11:19] TG: Yes, absolutely. I mean, the levels of anxiety and chronic stress, overwhelm, burnout with different generations, even including teenagers, that it's bringing to the forefront and need to focus on mental health. Of course, there's been so much focus on physical health over the years, and yet mental health now is really, really coming into the foreground. Leaders and people need to go farther than maybe suggesting meditation or saying, “Okay, here's a discount to a yoga class where you live,” or that sort of thing. But to really actually create safe spaces, where people can have vulnerable conversations. I can't help but think of the wonderful Brene Brown of talking about having hard conversations at work. Recently, I heard the CEO of Microsoft speak at this conference called The Future of Work, and he was talking about he shares with his team when he's not doing well mentally. I'm like, “Okay, if the CEO of Microsoft can talk about this when he's feeling extremely stressed or he's feeling very anxious, everyone should be able to.” So the old paradigm of it's sort of like game face for work, do not show emotions, be strong, have your work face is not working for people right now, right? I don't think that people need to be authentic. Of course, they’ll be professional, but to be authentic and to have vulnerable conversations about how people are really doing. [00:12:58] PF: Yeah. That is a big shift to turn around, but it is slowly listing toward that side. [00:13:04] TG: Yes. That will take time. [00:13:06] PF: It will. What about people who are workers, but they're working from home? So they have a different kind of struggle. How do they apply these things? [00:13:20] TG: Yeah. So for people who are working at home, there's benefits and, of course, there's challenges, right? So a lot of people are loving that they have more time back, don't necessarily have to commute. Maybe they can get a quick workout in at lunch. Maybe they can eat lunch outside, give their kid a kiss and a hug when they get home from school, etc. So first up I would say is savor and recognize and have gratitude for the blessings that are in your life with that working from home. Also, recognize that the challenges include feeling more disconnected and some people even feeling isolated, so being intentional about creating human connection moments. So human connection is the number one driver of happiness, right? Spending time with people you care about who care about you. So whether that be video calls, walking meetings, sending little video chats, having that human connection piece is really, really important. Another potential driver of unhappiness from working at home is sort of that work scope creep. It can creep into every part of your day. So having very clearly defined boundaries of when you’re work and when you're not working and making sure that the habits that help us stay healthy like good sleep, good food, meditating, exercise, time for hobbies, time for learning, spending time with friends and family, loved ones, etc., that you honor those. I recommend scheduling them. I joke of like I schedule everything. I schedule meditation. I schedule date nights with my husband. If not, it's very easy to just keep working. So, yeah, and I would say at home, as much as you can also incorporate if you can get a standing desk, if you can have a little more movement and keep your body healthy at home, to do that as well. But really focus on the human connection piece. [00:15:20] PF: Whether you're working at home or in an office, how do you then reach out to someone who is working remotely or another coworker to help them have that same experience? How do you help them along in their happiness journey? [00:15:33] TG: Yes. So I mean, one just resource that pops in my head is if you have someone on your team who or that you work with that you see is struggling or maybe could use some more happiness and wellbeing, I would highly recommend people take the free Yale Happiness Class by Dr. Laurie Santos. It's a great resource of sort of this introduction to positive psychology or the science of happiness. Another great resource is the book Happier by Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, who I actually studied with for a year. He's a fantastic teacher. I speak on this multiple times a month, and most people aren't that familiar with the science of happiness, so really just starting to share those resources. A very simple question is when you're connecting with people to say, “How are you doing really,” and truly being present for someone that you know is not doing so well, and they're kind of like, “I'm fine,” is I would say open up and share maybe some challenges that you're going through right now. By being vulnerable, they might feel safe to do the same. But I think just checking in with people is really, really important. [00:16:47] PF: Yeah. It’s something we got away from during the pandemic, and it feels like a lot of people are having trouble going back to that, that check in. Would you say that's what you're seeing? [00:17:00] TG: Yes, yes. I mean, during the height of the pandemic, when everyone was so isolated, right? It was like this constant, “Is everyone okay? Is everyone okay?” Even though life is more open now, there are a lot more experiences that we can do, there's still a continuum of people feeling lonely and feeling isolated. So I would, yeah, say reach out as much as you can. [00:17:28] PF: Obviously, technology has made all this possible, our ability to work remotely and connect remotely. But how does technology also negatively affect our happiness and our stress levels? [00:17:41] TG: Yes. Thank you for bringing this up, such a great question. Yes. So the research shows that too much technology, and especially too much time on social media, increases human anxiety and increases levels of sadness and depression. So it's about being very intentional and cognizant about how and when you're using technology. So in my keynote talks, I talked about being very intentional about the content that you consume. Obviously, this podcast is a fantastic piece of content. This is a great type of content for people to consume. But if you are watching and checking the news throughout the day on your smartphone, it's going to make you less happy and more anxious. So maybe you have one or two times a day where you check. I tell people never watch the news on television because it makes you 31% more negative for the rest of the day. But stay informed. Read about the news. But it can consume you, and it can make you feel very negative and anxious. Also, in terms of email, right? Having – Setting boundaries for yourself that – For example, my two young daughters go to sleep around 8:30 PM. I try to have connected time with my husband and not sit and do email from 8:30 to 10:00 at night. I really try and have that as focus on our relationship time. Again, it's being very intentional and also noticing how you feel engaging with the different technology pieces. I tell people, if you get on Facebook and you're full of anger, maybe you need to unfollow a lot of accounts. Or maybe you just need to not get to be on Facebook. [00:19:39] PF: Go watch a cat video, right? [00:19:40] TG: Exactly. So, yeah, I say nourish your brain the way you nourish your body. [00:19:46] PF: It’s so important, especially the emails. I'm glad you brought that up because that gets overwhelming. Being able to put limits and boundaries on that in itself is just a huge thing to be able to do. As we let you go, where do people start? As they walk away from this, what is the one thing that they can do today to apply one of your principles in the workplace to start making it a happier place for them? [00:20:11] TG: Yes. So one place to start is to increase the amount of specific appreciation that you give to others. People, adults are not acknowledged enough in life or in work. When you give specific appreciation for something that they did for you, a way that they took care of a customer, whatever it is, they are going to be filled with happiness, and you're going to feel happier because you deliver that information, whether it be verbally or written, etc. I would say whatever team you're a part of is increase that type of communication, where people are appreciating each other more, and everyone's happiness will rise. [00:21:07] PF: That's terrific. Tia, your book gives us a lot to learn. I'm going to tell all our listeners how they can get it. We'll have something on the website about it. But thank you so much for sitting down and talking with us today. You're doing some really important work, and I'm glad you took 30 minutes out of your day to be able to spend this time with us. [00:21:25] TG: Oh, thank you. You can't see me right now, but I have a huge smile on my face. So thank you for having me. [00:21:30] PF: Thank you. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:21:36] PF: That was Tia Graham, author of Be a Happy Leader. If you'd like to learn more about Tia, follow her on social media, access some her great tools online, or buy her book, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. As we begin November and enter the season of giving, Live Happy has a whole new way to share your happiness with others. Brand new in Live Happy Store is our giving plate, which you can use to pay it forward to others. Just fill it with your favorite treats and share it with a neighbor, your kid’s teacher, a coworker, or anyone else in your life you'd like to show appreciation to. The poem on our Live Happy giving plate encourages them to spread joy by doing the same for someone else. You can find it right now in the Live Happy Store at store.livehappy.com. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Discover Live Happy’s Halloween Happy Acts  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 385 of Live Happy Now. Now that it’s October, it’s time to start looking at how to make this a truly happy Halloween. I’m your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I’m joined by Deborah Heisz, CEO, and co-founder of Live Happy, and Casey Johnson, our ecommerce marketing manager to talk about our all-new Halloween Happy Acts Campaign. If you’ve been with us for a while, you already know that every March, we encourage wellbeing with a month of intentional activities that we call happy acts. This year, we’re combining happy acts with our favorite holiday to create an entire month of happiness while celebrating the spirit of Halloween. Let’s hear what it’s all about. [INTERVIEW]   [00:00:45] PF: Deb and Casey, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [00:00:48] DH: It’s such a pleasure to be here. As usual, always excited to get on a podcast, Paula. I know we have a lot of fun stuff going on. [00:00:55] PF: This one, I’m particularly excited about because Halloween is my favorite time of year. I absolutely love Halloween. When Casey told me about the Halloween happy acts, I got super-duper excited about it. I guess the first thing we need to do is talk about what happy acts are. Since Deb, you’re pretty much the originator of the happy act, why don’t you tell us what happy act is and where those came from? [00:01:19] DH: I’d love to. But also, everybody, say hi to Casey. Casey, say hi.   [00:01:23] CJ: Hi, guys. [00:01:25] DH: She has come up with some great ideas for Halloween happy acts.   [00:01:28] PF: Oh my gosh! Yes.   [00:01:28] DH: I am excited to have extended it out of the month of March, which is when we typically do happy acts. Because they really should be an all-year thing. They shouldn’t be confined to March where the International Day of Happiness is, but of course, putting some attention on it and doing it at that time of year, we get a lot more coverage, we get a lot more people participating. Because it’s something you can hang your hat on and say okay, “In March, I’m going to make sure I’ll up my happy acts game. But doing it in Halloween is great because like you, it’s one of my favorite times of the year, one of the happiest things for me at Halloween is Halloween specials for whatever reason. All the shows that just run specials that are Halloween themed, I think back to Roseanne when it was on in my childhood and how the family got dressed up in elaborate costumes every year. It was just a lot of fun. One of my happiest times a year and I’m an October baby.   [00:02:20] PF: Oh, you really.   [00:02:21] DH: Yes, and my mother’s an October baby, and my older daughter and I actually share a birthday in October. So October is like my month, it’s great. [00:02:28] PF: That is the month. It’s like the whole month off to celebrate. [00:02:33] DH: I think it really works that way, but you asked me what happy acts are. Happy acts are little things that you can do or big things. But things you can do intentionally with intention to make the world a happier place. It’s as simple as, you always hear about the pay it forward, buy somebody a cup of coffee when you’re in the Starbucks line or something like that. But it’s also donating a book to a library, reading to your kids’ class, it’s checking on a neighbor, it’s making a phone call to someone you haven’t talked to in a long time, it’s sending a thank you note because you know how big I am on gratitude. [00:03:10] PF: It comes up once or twice. [00:03:11] DH: It has a few times, but it’s sending a thank you note to someone for making a difference in your life. It’s something that you’re doing actively and intentionally to help make the world a happier place. It doesn’t have to be for a person either. It could be picking up litter, it could be donating time at a pet shelter. It doesn’t have to be anything massive or significant. In fact, we do the happy acts walls in March. That’s where we put up walls, challenging people to commit to doing a happy act. We do a lot of them in schools, because kids come up with things like, “I’m going to smile more. I’m going to eat my vegetables my mom tells me to.” Whatever it is, but it can be something simple. But the point here is that, you’re doing with intention, you know that you’re doing it. It’s not just, “Oh, I held the door open for somebody and I didn’t give it a thought because I always hold the door open for somebody.” Doing something with intention to make the world a happier place, because we know the science says that whoever you’re doing whatever it is for is likely to feel happy. It’s likely – we always say happy, but what we mean is likely to feel grateful or have an elevated sense of well-being. But the reality is that you are going to have a greater sense of well-being by doing happy acts, doing things with intention, with positive intention really does affect your overall mood, you overall – how you perceive the world. All of those things are improved when you do happy acts. That’s what happy acts are. [00:04:38] PF: And they’re a wonderful thing. Then when Casey said, “Hey, we’re going to do Halloween happy acts.” I remember that call because I was like, “I love this idea.” Casey, I mean, that was such a great idea. What made you want to tailor these happy acts tradition to our Halloween? [00:04:38] CJ: Yeah. So kind of like what Deb was saying earlier. Happy acts aren’t just for March and International Day of Happiness on March 20. We encourage people to practice happy acts all year round. Halloween and Christmas, I read this earlier, I heard it somewhere, someone defined them as like gimme holidays. Getting rather than giving. I just thought it would be a good chance to kind of practice maybe some like reverse trick or treating and tie in some happy acts to that month. [00:05:27] PF: I love I, because, as I said, you’ve done such a great job of coming up with happy acts. There are times when you’ll send out, “Hey, these are happy acts. This is what we’re going to do.” I’m like, “Wow, how do we –” like the fact that you can come up with so many new things each time, that always impresses and amazes me. How did you come up with, here’s how we can celebrate it for Halloween? [00:05:47] CJ: Well, thank you. First of all, it’s definitely a team effort. It’s not just all me. But yeah, you know, just Halloween happy acts, there’s so much you can do to spread kindness in October and still kind of celebrate that spooky holiday. Though, I guess I’ll just kind of jump into some of our Halloween happy acts. [00:06:02] PF: Yeah. Tell us what we’re going to do.   [00:06:04] CJ: So we’re kind of thinking of making it a competition, right? We want to spread the love. The plan is to highlight a different happy act every week. If people want to participate, they can tag us in a post, a reel, a story, as long as they tag us of them performing a Halloween happy act of the week, or they can get creative, and it’s not our Halloween happy act of the week, and they’re still out there spreading kindness that works as well. But so, I’ll just kick it off. So week one, we encourage people to donate blood. Deb and I actually went and donated blood together, which was amazing. Week two, trick or treat with UNICEF. Every year, UNICEF, they encourage people to kind of do that reverse trick or treating, donate candy to people in need, who don’t have the luxury of being able to go trick or treating. Week three, paint a pumpkin, we always encourage people in March to paint positivity on rocks. In October, we’re encouraging people to paint pumpkins. On week four, we’re encouraging people to wrap someone in love. So basically, give someone a big old bear hug. Or if you’re someone who doesn’t like hugs or like to be touched, you can – [00:07:15] PF: Are you talking about me now?   [00:07:17] CJ: Of course not. [00:07:18] DH: She might be, Paula. She might be.   [00:07:20] CJ: I might be. Wink wink.   [00:07:22] DH: No, I’m just kidding.   [00:07:24] CJ: But yeah, so I mean, not everyone likes to be touched and that’s okay. You can wrap yourself in like a warm blanket, or we’ve also got some awesome Live Happy hoodies on the Live Happy store, and they’ll make you feel nice and cozy. [00:07:37] DH: Shameless plug there, but they do. They’re awesome. [00:07:41] CJ: I’ve got like two Live Happy hoodies. They’re my favorite. Then week five, so that’s the actual week of Halloween, so we’re kind of going big that week. We’re going to have two Halloween happy acts. The first one is to bake a healthy treat for your class or office. I’m kind of thinking of baking like some pumpkin muffins, or some zucchini bread for our office.   [00:08:02] DH: Let me know what day. I’ll make sure I’m there. [00:08:02] PF: I can fly in. [00:08:07] CJ: I’ll make sure you guys are in the office. Paula, I’ll send you some zucchini bread or pumpkin muffins.   [00:08:11] PF: All right. Okay. That’s a good deal.   [00:08:14] CJ: Then on Halloween, we encourage people to create a Halloween card for your neighbor. So like maybe like –   [00:08:21] PF: I like that.   [00:08:22] CJ: – picture of a Halloween pan or just something, spread the love. [00:08:25] PF: Yeah, I like that a lot. Because especially making a card, or doing something, or even painting a pumpkin, and giving it to them, giving it to a neighbor. I think that’s so important right now, because I feel like we’re still a little bit disconnected from each other. We talked about getting back to normal, but it still feels disconnected in so many ways. I think these are great ways. Go ahead. [00:08:46] DH: No, you know, you’re talking about that getting back to normal. But if you think back, before what we’re all talking about how we didn’t know our neighbors, maybe we are back to normal, and we just realized that we didn’t know them anyway. I bring that up, because it’s not just getting back to normal, it is a proactive activity or asking somebody to do. It’s not just being in your comfort zone, it’s reaching out just a little bit to somebody that you wouldn’t ordinarily be having contact with, and helping them have a happier day or a happier Halloween. I love the idea of the reverse trick or treating with UNICEF. These are all things that are super easy to do. I love them. Thank you, Casey.   [00:09:25] CJ: Of course. [00:09:26] PF: Yeah, they’re fun. Then, how are we going to turn this into a challenge? [00:09:31] CJ: So, it’s kind of like our gratitude challenge if any of our listeners remember when we did that a few years ago. Say week one, you donate blood, post a picture, video, whatever on your story, tag us and also, tag a friend and encourage them to keep the momentum going. [00:09:49] PF: I like that a lot. Because really, that’s the way we’ve seen that with other challenges, where that’s really what makes it take off. People were like, “Hey, I just didn’t think about doing that.” I think that’s what’s so wonderful about the happy acts. It’s not that we don’t want to do them, we just didn’t think about it until someone says, “Hey, this is a great idea” and then they start – next thing you know, you’ve got a movement. [00:10:09] CJ: Exactly, or a new Halloween tradition. [00:10:11] DH: Yeah. Well, and the guinea holidays are something I’d never heard of before. I’m glad that you brought that up, but you’re right. I think that’s especially true of kids. They really look forward to Halloween, and they look forward to Christmas, based on the gimme, right? And you can even throw Valentine’s Day in there. I think it’s important to involve your kids in something like this. I mean, certainly, if I painted a pumpkin, it might look like my 10-year-old did it. But I could actually –   [00:10:35] CJ: No one has to know that.   [00:10:37] DH: I could actually –actually, in this particular case, but my next to her, she’s quite artistic. You’d probably think I painted hers and vice versa. But I mean, involve your children, and teach them as well. But giving back to others, or doing things for others, or taking the time to do something to make the world a happier place is worthwhile and not just a march. [00:10:57] PF: Yeah. How does this kind of set us up for the holiday season? Because I do like the fact that so oftentimes, we kind of rush through October. Well, not this group, because we love October. But many people kind of rush through October so they can get to the start of the holiday season, which starts now apparently. the day after Halloween. But how can we kind of shift our thinking, because of the way we’re approaching October, and maybe even approach the holidays differently? [00:11:25] CJ: I just think a bit more of as – so Halloween, Christmas, it’s all about kind of like what we touched on earlier, it’s about getting, so it’s – this shifts your mindset into – okay, rather than getting, I’m going to give back. [00:11:40] DH: Well, we spend a lot of Thanksgiving. Thank giving, right? It’s the, you should be thankful this day, whether you are or not holiday. [00:11:51] PF: Sorry, if you’re having a bad year, find something to be thankful for. [00:11:54] DH: There is always something to be thankful for. We talked about that a lot. But you know, you go into Thanksgiving with the, “I’m going to be around some of my relatives, I don’t want to be thankful for them.” But others I’m wonderfully thankful for. I just think that setting up the concept that life isn’t about getting something, and your happiness isn’t about getting something. Very rarely will a gift truly change your life. You can ask my kids what they got last year for Christmas, I guarantee you, they probably don’t remember. Every now and then, you’ll get that life changing, “You know, I got my first 10-speed bicycle on my 12th birthday kind of gifts.” But it’s not, it’s not usually about getting, but giving and creating positive relationships, and being a larger part of the community, and doing things that are within your control to make the world a happier place, and frankly give you greater positive well-being is something kicking out off in October is great. Because as we all know, and we all read every year, the holidays are some of the most times a year when people are most depressed. I think starting that in October, and leading into it and remembering to be thankful for Thanksgiving, and for the month of November, and right into the holidays. You might see some marketing from Live Happy during that timeframe about being thankful and giving.   [00:13:09] PF: It’s possible.   [00:13:11] DH: Because it’s thanks giving. It’s not thanks taking, right?   [00:13:17] PF: I like that.   [00:13:16] DH: I should do some stuff on that. But I think it sets us up in the right mindset and the right frame of mind for the rest of the year, where we’re doing something positive every month. We don’t have to wait all year for that. [00:13:28] PF: Oh, there we go. We can start doing happy acts every month. [00:13:30] DH: Well, you know, you can. In fact, I want you to do them every day. But as marketing campaigns go for those of us who’ve got degrees in marketing, it’s better if you coalesce everything around a particular time of year. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want people doing happy acts every day, it doesn’t mean we don’t do happy acts every day. It simply means that we just run a really large advertising campaign to get people involved in March. So now we’re doing the same in October, but it’s something you do every day. I think it’s a good reminder, particularly this time of year where the weather starts changing and people start feeling more isolated, to just get out in front of that and start a little bit early this year. [00:14:10] PF: I like that. Casey, how are they going to know about the campaign, and how are they going to know what to do, and how to keep up with what’s going on? [00:14:17] CJ: So we will be sharing each happy act on our social channels. So if you’re not following us, make sure to hit that follow button. We’ll also be sending out an email that highlights each of the happy acts and how you can participate and join in on the challenge. Excellent. [00:14:37] PF: What do both of you, each of you want to see out of this? What would make you just go, “Wow! I’m so glad we did it because –”? [00:14:43] DH: I’d love to see a lot of social engagement. I want to see a lot of people flagging Live Happy, and discovering the content that’s on there, and hash tagging, and liking us, and sharing what they’re doing. But you know, it really is about – I want to see people actively doing something. I want to see hundreds of pumpkin pictures, painted pumpkin pictures. Because the reality is, it doesn’t matter how many people you involve, how many people you touch, just knowing that some people are making a difference, and it’s making a difference in some people’s lives is really the most rewarding thing for me. Running into somebody and having them share some of their experience, which does happen is just a phenomenal, humbling experience for me. I think everybody who works at Live Happy know that while we’re talking into a computer screen, what we’re saying, or putting on a computer screen eventually has a positive impact in the world. So for me, I just want to see activity, I wanted people out there doing stuff.   [00:15:42] PF: I like it.   [00:15:43] DH: Tag us, tag me. By the way, I’m the only Deborah Heisz on Facebook or probably in the universe. You can find me; I promise on Facebook or Instagram. Tag me. I’d love to see it.   [00:15:58] PF: That’s cool. That’s cool. How about you, Casey? What do you really hope for this because you’ve kind of masterminded this campaign? [00:16:04] CJ: My hope, and Deb and I, we were kind of talking about this a few weeks ago. I just want to see people being assets to their community, whether it’s donating blood, painting a pumpkin, donating their candy to a food shelter, or like a senior living home, no happy act, big or small. It makes a huge difference. [00:16:25] PF: Yeah. What if people come up with their own happy acts. Can they call it a happy act? The #halloweenhappyacts? [00:16:32] CJ: Absolutely. Yes. So I mean, we’re only highlighting about five or six happy acts that we can do in October. But there are so many that people can go out and do their own. So like donating candy to a food shelter. I don’t think we have that on our list. Donating Halloween costumes. There are kids out there who can’t afford Halloween costumes. So donating materials or just old costumes, that makes a huge difference in kids’ lives. [00:16:57] PF: That’s great. I saw one thing where there’s a group, and they do this anyway, they paint rocks, and it’s like abandoned rocks, they call it. They paint them, and then they go around, and they put them in neighborhoods, and they have positive messages on them. I saw that they were doing that for Halloween. They’re painting a bunch of stones, like orange, and black, like pumpkins, and then putting a positive message on the back, and sharing them. I thought that would be cool. But again, I fear that I paint even not as well as Deb, so I shouldn’t be doing that. Well, thank you guys both so much for coming on and talking about this. I’m really excited to see this happen. I know it’ll get bigger each year and we’ll keep it going. But thanks again for making it happen and then come in and telling me about it. [00:17:41] DH: Well, thanks for being the hostess with the mostest, as usual. [00:17:46] PF: Thank you. [00:17:49] CJ: Thank you, Paula. Happy Halloween everyone. [00:17:51] PF: Oh yeah, Happy Halloween. [00:17:53] DH: Happy Halloween. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:17:57] PF: That was Live Happy’s own Deborah Heisz and Casey Johnson, talking about our all-new Halloween Happy Acts Campaign. If you’d like to learn more, you can follow Live Happy on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube, or visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. While you’re on the website, why not pop into the Live Happy store and checkout are brand spanking new, Choose Happy tote bag. This cool and useful bag is great for work and play. Oh, what the heck, it can even double as a trick or treat bag. Check it out in the new merch section at store.livehappy.com That is all we have time for today. We’ll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Sound It Out With Dr. Regina Miranda  [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:05] PF: What’s up, everybody? This is Paula Felps, and you are listening to On a Positive Note, where I sit down with a songwriter, recording artist, or a music insider to learn how music can lift our spirits and heal our hearts. Today, we're talking with Dr. Regina Miranda about the Sound It Out campaign, which uses the power of music to help parents and caregivers support emotional wellness in young people. This remarkable program uses songs and lyrics to help kids open up about their feelings, as well as giving them tools for handling difficult emotions. Regina, a professor of psychology at Hunter College, is one of the advisors for the program, and she's here to tell us more. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:43] PF: Well, Regina, thank you for being our guest on On a Positive Note. [00:00:47] RM: Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here. [00:00:49] PF: You are part of something that is so fascinating. When I found out about this campaign, I immediately had to dig in and learn more. Sound It Out campaign uses music as that entry point for talking about emotions. Can you tell us how that program works? [00:01:06] RM: Yeah. So we know that mental health problems have been increasing in the US and including among children. Some kids and families tend to have less access, particularly youth of color, to mental health treatment or mental health care, health care in general. So Sound It Out is a program that uses music to help parents and caregivers have conversations with their kids about mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a specific focus on middle schoolers and youth of color. But really, it's meant to be broader for all middle schoolers. But it targets the audience of middle schoolers. [00:01:43] PF: How did this program come about, how it was developed? Then can you tell us how you became involved in it? [00:01:49] RM: So it's a partnership between the Ad Council and Pivotal Ventures. The way that I became involved, actually, I was referred by a colleague, Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble of The AAKOMA Project. So she got me hooked up with the Ad Council for the campaign, and it was an amazing opportunity. [00:02:06] PF: Can you build out for us what all this campaign entails? Because there is so much to it. It has so many offerings. I was just blown away as I delved into it. Can you really explain how it's set up and what all it offers? [00:02:19] RM: So we know that learning to navigate our emotions is a fundamental part of being human. But it can be hard to have conversations and to really check in with our kids and know when to check in with our kids and how. So the idea behind Sound It Out is to use music, which is the universal form of expression. We know that even when people who speak lots of different languages, when we can't communicate verbally, we can certainly have similar experiences when we listen to the same music and to the same songs. We also know that kids listen to music, and music is a part of their lives, is a part of their experience. So the idea is to help caregivers have conversations with their kids by using music because it can be hard to know how to approach the topic. It can seem like a big deal to start talking about emotions and mental health. So sometimes, by starting small, with something that you can both relate to, that can open up bigger conversations about emotions and mental health. The campaign features songs by four artists and lyrics with notes to the lyrics that the artists wrote. So kids and parents can go to the website, listen to the music, talk about the lyrics. It also features guides for parents to start conversations with their kids, games that they can play with their kids. So there's music that they can listen to without lyrics and write their own lyrics, for example. Also, resources, if parents need additional crisis or mental health-related resources, they can find that information on the website. More recently, Sound It Out launched a Conversation Starter Pack, which is a game that parents or caregivers and their kids can play together. It provides prompts and guides to talk about things like anxiety, stress, emotions, family support, racism, social media. So things that are relevant to the kids targeted by the campaign. [00:04:15] PF: That Conversation Starter Pack, that will sometimes have them reference a song or a lyric that explains how they're feeling. Can you kind of tell us what that's all about? [00:04:24] RM: So you can ask kids things like what's a song that expresses how you were feeling today? What's a song that makes you feel better after you have a hard day? Or what music are you listening to now? Why do you like that song? So this is just a way to get the conversation started, to find small moments with our kids and use that to open up bigger conversations. [00:04:48] PF: How does that work? How can parents who are listening to this, how do you use music to really help children identify and to explain their emotions? Because, obviously, middle school, that's a crazy time, and you've got things going on. You don't understand. I mean, as adults, we don't understand our emotions all the time, either. So how does music become this tool for helping them name and clarify their emotions? [00:05:13] RM: Well, sometimes it can be hard to describe how we're feeling. Sometimes, when we – I think many of us have had that experience that we were feeling a certain way, and then we listen to a song, and someone's describing exactly how we're feeling in the moment. So it's interesting how the experiences that we have come to be associated with music, and music is such a part of our – It’s either in the foreground of our lives, or it's like the soundtrack to our lives. That's what makes music so powerful as a form of expression and a way of relating to each other to talk to our kids about, “Okay, what is it that you like about that song?” For my daughter, for example, she doesn't like the popular Taylor Swift song. She likes the more folksy, the slower ones. So expressing curiosity, what is it about that song that you like? [00:06:04] PF: I think that's what's – Because songs are such an emotional touchstone. When we overlook that, we're overlooking this huge opportunity for ourselves and, really, for all our relationships of learning more about that person, and what is it that appeals to you about it, and how does that express what you're feeling. But especially, as you've discovered with Sound It Out campaign and the work that you're doing, it is so powerful. What do you see happen when children and adults start connecting with that music and using it as a tool, not just as background music? [00:06:38] RM: It’s really about starting the conversation. It may not be music. It may be something else that they can relate to. So it could be a show on television. It’s just about starting that conversation. [00:06:52] PF: What about adults who are non-parents? Like how do you reach a child? So let's just say not all children have terrific parents, and not all children are receiving the love and the attention that they need and deserve. So what if you're an adult who has a child like that in your circle? How do you then use some of these same talking points and use some of the music to be able to help them because there's a little bit of a different area that you're treading into? [00:07:20] RM: Well, it's geared towards caregivers. So not only caregivers who are parents, but it can be an adult in the person's life. Even as a parent, it may not be the goal that your child speaks to you about what's going on. Maybe there's another adult in their life that they feel more comfortable talking to. But it's about modeling and normalizing talking about our emotions. Even if it's a niece or a nephew or a friend, I think that one could use similar strategies. It's really about being in the moment together and starting the conversation, finding an opening, and starting small. Then as you build that relationship, build to the bigger things. [00:08:01] PF: I think you're giving adults such great tools for using this to meet children where they are. [00:08:09] RM: Sometimes, I wonder if the tools – I think the tools are just as helpful for parents to learn about themselves, and it is to learn about what's happening with their kids and for kids to learn about themselves. The more we learn about ourselves and process our own feelings as parents, I think the more we can model that for our kids and then help them process what they're going through and really normalize that what we're going through, especially now. So it's an interesting time that we're in because the pandemic is a collective stressor, and there's a lot going on that's tough for kids. It can be tough for kids to process. But at the same time, it's made us more attentive to the importance of mental health. So it's really a time when it's become more acceptable to talk about how we're feeling and when we're not doing so well. [00:08:54] PF: Yeah. That’s one reason this campaign is so effective and so perfect for right now. Because to be able to seize the moment of when everybody is going through something, whether it's anxiety, depression, just outright fear that they've got going on. To your point earlier, I think adults will benefit from it too because even if you're listening to your child, you're looking at this – You’re going to answer it like, “Okay, this is what comes to mind for me, and this is what I think, and this is how I feel.” I think it's a terrific tool for everyone to be able to use at any age. You mentioned about facilitating the conversation between a music star and teens. Tell us how that whole process worked. [00:09:36] RM: So these were musical artists and teens who had never met. There was a national search for these teens. I'm not sure exactly how the search happened, but these teams were selected, and I met with them first. I've met with them and their mothers first, and then I also met with the artists, and then we had conversation together. These conversations happened in English and Spanish. Then the artists turn those into original songs, and the songs are on the website as part of the campaign. [00:10:08] PF: Then with the game aspect of it, where you have music without any lyrics, and parents and children can work on that together, how does that work? Because if you have parents who are like, “I don't know how to do this. I'm not sure. I'm not a writer. I'm not a songwriter,” tell us how they can actually use that. [00:10:27] RM: So it can be awkward. Sometimes, when you're trying new things that you're not used to trying, it can feel kind of artificial or like you're faking your way through it. But I would encourage people to work through the awkwardness. If you think about it, trying a new thing that you've never done, like trying to write a song, it's kind of like trying to talk about emotions that you're not used to talking about. It's really trial and error. At first, it'll just feel weird doing it. But I think as you get comfortable, something always comes out of it. Whatever it is that comes out of it, at least it'll be a conversation starter, and it may be that like, “Ah, I'm not really – Nothing really comes to mind.” But it's really about the experience of doing an activity together. [00:11:09] PF: Yeah, that's wonderful. Then what does the Ad Council hoped that the overall outcome of this campaign is? [00:11:17] RM: So decreasing the stigma about talking about our emotions and mental health, and really normalizing talking about mental health and our emotions, and also encouraging people to seek help if they need it. Learning more about what some of the warning signs are when kids may need additional help and then encouraging help seeking by parents. [00:11:36] PF: You give a lot of resources on the site. So I think that's what's so wonderful about it, too, is you open this door and give them all these different entry points through music and then also lead them into here's where you can get help. Here's where you can go for more information. [00:11:52] RM: Yes, exactly. [00:11:53] PF: I think it's so well done. All this month at Live Happy Now, we've been talking about going back to school and the hectic pace that it's added to us and the additional emotional stress. So based on your experiences, how can we use music to kind of help us get through this really crazy time, as we settle into our new routine and going back to school? [00:12:15] RM: It's okay to be nervous and maybe excited at the same time. So talking about what are some things that you're looking forward to about the start of the year? What are some things that are kind of scary about the start of the year that you're not looking forward to? Is there a song that you've been listening to that reminds you of what it's like to start school or what it's like when you don't know what to expect? Or is there a song that helps you feel comforted when you are anxious or when you're afraid? What is it about the song that you like? [00:12:47] PF: That's excellent. Well, thank you so much for coming on and talking about this. Again, this program is just fantastic. I was really excited when I learned about it. Really excited to sit down and talk with you. Thank you for all the work that you're doing to help make this happen. [00:13:02] RM: Thank you. I'm happy that I had a chance to come on, and I appreciate your time. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:13:09] PF: That was Dr. Regina Miranda, talking about the Sound It Out Campaign and how music can support emotional wellness. If you'd like to learn more about the campaign or download a free Conversation Starter Pack, just visit livehappy.com and click on the On a Positive Note podcast link. If you'd like to work on some song lyrics of your own, why not do that in Live Happy’s On a Positive Note journal? This 250-page notebook offers inspiring quotes and tips, along with plenty of room for you to add your own thoughts. You can find it on sale now at store.livehappy.com. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of On a Positive Note and look forward to joining you again next time. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Easing Separation Anxiety in Pets With Brittany Derrenbacher  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 382 of Live Happy Now. As we all settle into our post-summer routine, there are certain family members that sometimes get overlooked. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm welcoming back therapist Brittany Derrenbacher, a certified grief and pet loss specialist, founder of the special needs animal rescue, Luna Bell’s Moonbows, and owner of Sunshine Healing and Empowerment in Louisville, Kentucky. Brittany is here to talk about how the end of summer changing routine can affect our furry family members, and she has several tips on what you can do to decrease their anxiety, make mornings more enjoyable for everyone in the home, and ease your pet’s stress of being left home alone. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:48] PF: Brittany, thank you for coming back on Live Happy Now. [00:00:51] BD: Yeah. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be back. [00:00:54] PF: We have been talking so much about back to school on the show, and this came out of a conversation you and I had because we talk about all these aspects how parents can take care of themselves, how they can take care of their children better. One thing that often gets overlooked is pets. Can you talk about how pets can be affected during this time of year as we go back to school, and there's so much change going on? [00:01:16] BD: Absolutely. I think in order for us to have this conversation, we have to address something pretty important first, and that's that our animals have feelings, right? [00:01:29] PF: Right. [00:01:30] BD: Our animals can grieve. Our animals can have anxiety due to separation and routine change, just as humans do. I think like oftentimes, humans, we kind of feel like we own the copyrights to love and to grief, right? [00:01:45] PF: All the feelings. We get all of it. [00:01:46] BD: Yeah, yeah. But these emotions are so widespread among animals, and there's plenty of research now proving that animals experience joy, that they experience love, fear, despair, grief. Daily, we're learning more and more about their fascinating cognitive abilities, their emotional capacities. So we're not alone in this. So I think this discussion is really cool, and it's also kind of beautiful to consider that, right? That we're not alone in this. But kind of circling back to your question and really diving into the topic, I really think that this is a new conversation that's being talked about. So I love that you want to address it, and I think the back to work shift during COVID really brought up a lot of questions for pet owners. Like how does this affect our animals? What happens when we leave and go back to work? Specifically, back to school time, for a lot of people, this year is like physically being back in school, right? It's making that shift from virtual to going back to the classroom. So our animals go from this sudden switch from these like long summer days, just playing with their humans, doing what they love most, being outside to being in an empty home for the day. That's a really super tough adjustment. I think like, for us, it's difficult, right? So consider our pets, who are so reliant upon that routine and spending those days outside and doing all the things with their human siblings and maybe their fur siblings, and having all of this extended family time. Then literally, with no preparation, like it just ends, right? [00:03:27] PF: Yeah. That’s the difference because we know it's coming, and we can kind of mentally, emotionally steel ourselves for what's ahead. But for our pets, it's just like one day, they're there. Then now, they're gone. [00:03:39] BD: Yeah. It’s confusing, and it's scary. [00:03:41] PF: So what happens then as that occurs? What do you see happening to our pets, and how does it affect them? [00:03:48] BD: So I think the biggest effect that happens with them is anxiety and depression. A lot of that is considering how that affects us as humans. So changing chaos, our nervous system really goes into overload, right? So we kind of go through this process of being like, “Hey, what's happening here? We're not used to this.” Our animals are also going through the same thing. It makes sense, right? That they're anxious, that they're sad, that they're confused. So when our pets have this normal routine of spending their day, doing all their things with their family, and then that constant stimulation is gone, that's when the stress and the anxiety kind of kicks in because their nervous system is just confused. [00:04:32] PF: Right. They can't talk it out like we can. [00:04:34] BD: Yeah. [00:04:35] PF: It’s not just our absence. It's also our morning routines change. Everything gets more rushed. It's more hectic. People are anxious, sometimes yelling, and that's affecting them too, right? [00:04:46] BD: Right. That goes back to the nervous system point too, is when your routine changes to something that's hectic, that's rushed, or maybe you're just overlooked altogether, right? That's normal. It's not intentional. But sometimes, our animals are overlooked in that process. That really sends a message to them that, “Okay, things are different. This is scary. So I feel fear now.” That sends their nervous system into overdrive, which can then lead to all the behavior changes that we see. [00:05:20] PF: Yeah. So what kind of behavior changes do you start seeing as a result of this? [00:05:23] BD: Yeah, absolutely. I will say that while this affects all of our pets in different ways, I think the most important ones to point out, our senior dogs and our high energy dogs. Those are like the two populations that are most at high risk for those behavior changes. I think, again, like drawing upon that comparison between our animals and humans, for senior dogs, just like humans, as we age, we become less malleable, less open to change. Maybe a little bit resistant there. So oftentimes, you see that huge shift in behaviors and maybe even physical symptoms, right? So that kind of lethargy, just an overall like mood of sadness, maybe confusion or withdraw. So that's some normal stuff that you'll see with senior dogs. Then something that I see in rescue work a lot, where families return high energy dogs due to lack of time, and this is really sad because we both know that this is not due to the fault of the pet, right? To the dog. [00:06:23] PF: Right, right. That's like locking up a kid because they're hyperactive. It's like – [00:06:27] BD: Exactly, yeah. But basically, humans get busy, and some may tend to spend less time with their pets, and less time with your dogs means less time for walks and for play. This can have a huge impact on a higher energy dog that's like super reliant upon that outlet, right? To get all of that anxiety out, to get their excitement out. So it's pretty normal that that leads to a buildup of both excitement and frustration for the dog. That's where you see like the shift in the behaviors that can lead to roughhousing, rough play. Maybe like the mouthing bites on the hands to get your attention or biting your pants or jumping up and trying to get your attention or being destructive in the home. But I think the next biggest sign in that that goes along with a lot of those behaviors is that separation anxiety. [00:07:18] PF: Yeah, and that's a big one. That's one that brought us together because, as you well know, my dog, Josie, was originally in your care and was rescued from a breeder and has tremendous separation anxiety. Something that, as much as we worked with her, you worked with her first, and then I've had her now for three years, and it's not going to completely go away. It’s just become something we have to manage and have to live with in so many ways. Like just you know this is a problem, and it's going to go on. Yeah. Talk about how separation anxiety affects the animal, and then really what the owner needs to be looking for. [00:07:59] BD: I'm really glad that you brought Josie up because I think that it's helpful for not only just pet owners in general to hear about that. But I think for folks that have adopted animals in rescue because I think that separation anxiety is something a lot of rescue animals struggle with, especially those with a history of abandonment, breeder dogs, trauma, abuse, or just being passed around through multiple owners. So even with a solid and safe routine, like you're saying, in their new forever home or in their foster home, this can still be an ongoing issue. But basically, separation anxiety comes from our attachment to others. So this is also something that's like very fluid between humans and animals that we can experience, and that can be characterized by symptoms of extreme sometimes anxiety and distress in our pets. So for dogs, this can look like digging and scratching to escape, like that intense desire to just flee, right? Vocalization, destructive chewing, a lot of times regression in potty training, which again is like something that a lot of times we see dogs returned and rescue for is that regression and potty training. Then in cats, separation anxiety can look similar, but cats tend to do a lot of the shaking, more withdrawal, hiding, like very much a fear response in cats that kind of they tend to seclude themselves. They get a loss of appetite. They get upset stomach. So some of these are probably symptoms that you've experienced with Josie along the way. [00:09:35] PF: Yeah. There's like a – You keep the towel by the door because you just know, okay, if I walk down to get the mail by myself, it's going to be a problem, so yeah. I'm glad that you brought up cats because we tend to think, “Oh, cats are independent. Cats are fine.” I've talked with people who get really surprised that their cat responds poorly to being left alone. Can you talk about that? I guess maybe that’s kind of a myth that we have. [00:10:02] BD: Yeah. I think we have a lot of myths about cats, right? That’s – [00:10:06] PF: They're not evil, and they don't steal our [inaudible 00:10:07]. [00:10:07] BD: Right. Cats get overlooked in our discussion about animals a lot, and I'm guilty of it. I mean, I've been on this podcast before and kind of reminded myself like, “Oh, we need to talk about cats, too. It's not just about dogs.” But, yeah, cats, I mean, they're also our best friends and our companions. So it makes perfect sense that they're going to experience some form of grief and confusion when we leave them. They're relying upon us, even though they may want us to think that they're not. [00:10:37] PF: That they're in charge. [00:10:38] BD: Yes. Right. [00:10:41] PF: So what are things that we can do first as families to start working with our pets? Obviously, by now, we're back to school. This routine has started. People are probably already starting to see some of the things that you brought up. So what are some practices that families can adopt to make this easier for everyone? [00:11:02] BD: I think, first, we have to admit that perhaps we do some overlooking, right? I don't think that we do this deliberately. We get busy. We get into autopilot. Our whole family does, and we can forget to be intentional in everyday life. I love talking about intentionality, especially with our animals, because I think it's so important. So I really like to approach this as we know that this is going to be hard for everyone involved. Learning a new routine sucks, quite frankly. [00:11:35] PF: And we've gotten really comfortable over the summer. Especially the last two years, it's like, “I don't need to wear pants.” [00:11:41] BD: Exactly. So just getting dressed and leaving the house is hard. Yeah. So let's make a plan, right? Let's attack this with what works best for our family. Also, let's make this exciting. So for the family, intentionality can look like brainstorming training methods. It can look like baby steps into the new routine. So that can mean like working on the brakes that your pet is going to be home alone and really kind of tiptoeing into that and ways to make our animals feel special and feel safe, using positive reinforcement training and then also teaching a new routine to them. So that can involve taking our pets to do carpool. I don't want to say all our dogs because some dogs do have anxiety getting in cars. But most dogs would love the opportunity to be able to take part in that, walking our dogs to the bus stop to pick up the kids. Really – [00:12:34] PF: Does that help too in the sense that they see – Do they start equating like, “Okay. Now, he's getting on the bus,” and, “Oh, good. Here comes the bus.”? Because we see all these great videos where the dog is like waiting, waiting. The bus door opens, and they just go crazy. So can that kind of add this value to that time of the day? [00:12:51] BD: Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, really allowing them to take part and understand that when their humans leave, they're always going to come back. So you're spot on with that. It's that reliability and that excitement build up. They are able to build those neural pathways that, “Okay. When my human leaves, this yellow bus is going to pull up at the end of the day, and they're going to get off, and I get to like cheer them on as they run down the stairs.” It becomes a game. So think about this in regards to the mailman or the UPS guy when they pull up or the UPS person. They know that my dog specifically and maybe yours know that a package is coming, and they get so excited and pumped to meet the person at the door. So we can teach those sounds and sensory things through bus pickups and carpools as well. It's not just – Our dogs smart. So allowing them to participate in activities is a huge reward to them. [00:13:43] PF: And it makes the greeting better for your child as well. Because I know I would have been thrilled to have my dog instead of my mom greet me, right? [00:13:51] BD: Yeah. [00:13:52] PF: Yes. [00:13:53] BD: Yeah. I used to have a cat when I was younger. His name was Scribbles, and he would walk me to my friend's house. He would hang out outside until I was done, and then he would walk me home. I have such a core memory of that. So, yeah, I think that's so cool for kids. [00:14:08] PF: Yeah, because that can reset a bad day, if you're greeted with his unconditional love the minute you leave your school environment. I love that. I love that. So what about the mornings? I'm sure that’s a lot of where pets get overlooked and forgotten and become more anxious because of the rush nature of it. So how can people restructure their mornings so that it is a good time for everyone, and the pet does get some time? [00:14:35] BD: I love to challenge us to like really think about things in regards to ourselves. So how unfair would that be if every morning, we woke up and we were denied our coffee, right? [00:14:48] PF: Oh, no. [00:14:50] BD: Not happening. [00:14:50] PF: Homicides have happened for less. [00:14:52] BD: Yeah. So for our dogs, to deny them their walk in the morning is so unfair. So my biggest advice is walks and walks and more walks in the morning. Establishing that morning routine where, yes, you may have to wake up a little bit earlier, but really connecting with your pets and leaving the home and taking them to do what they love most. So when I think about what I love to do most in the morning, that's to have my moment of peace with my coffee before I can attempt doing anything. Well, the same for our dogs and their walks. Maybe for our cats, it's just sitting down with them in the morning and like spending time with them or letting them engage in whatever activity excites them. So giving them that moment of connection, that one-on-one connection in the morning. Then I think, also, leaving the home, the physical home, is something that we need to do with intentionality. So don't elongate the goodbye. I think that's, again, where we tend to make mistakes when we're leaving is that we kind of elongate the experience like, “You're okay. Everything's fine. I'm going to walk out really slowly.” This causes stress in our animals. [00:16:00] PF: They’re like, “Leave, go.” [00:16:02] BD: Like this is too much. This is taking too long. Because we have to remember that our animals are deeply intuitive, and they're picking up on all of those emotional cues from us. So it's important to stay calm and to not make a big deal out of our exits when we're leaving. It signals to our pets that our departure is safe and that they can count on us to return. [00:16:23] PF: What are some things that we can leave behind for them to do during the day that can help ease their anxiety? [00:16:30] BD: There are so many options out there, and I feel like we have explored a lot of them here in our home, just by virtue of having had so many personalities in the house through rescue and then our personal pets, so just knowing that there is literally an option for everything. The first thing and the easiest thing that you can do is offer them a puzzle toy or a Kong either stuffed with peanut butter or cheese, whatever they like before you walk out the door. Get them busy, get them excited about something, and then leave. This past week, we actually got a back to school BarkBox in the mail for the dogs, and that was really fun. It was full of all these interactive toys, and the dogs just love getting that. They know when that box comes. They know that those toys are for them, and they've been good boys and good girls. So there's like this whole ordeal about it. Then also, they have like boxes that are specifically for aggressive chewers out there. Shout out to all my Boston Terrier moms. Get this box. So that's something that's just very simple that you can do. Another thing that you can do is leave a sound machine on playing white noise or relaxing music. You can also get fun with it and like make a playlist for your pet, right? Something soothing. There are so many playlists available out there on everything; Apple, Spotify, YouTube. [00:17:47] PF: Yeah. I know Archie, my previous dog, who also came through Boston Terrier Rescue of East Tennessee, shout out, had horrible anxiety as well. Because of him, I have on my Spotify account, an 11-hour playlist called Archie's calming playlist, and it's – I went through. I curated it, specifically music designed for dogs. It’s helpful. It's very helpful. So that's what I do when I've got to leave Josie and Rocco behind. They're in their crate, and I put on that playlist and hope for the best. [00:18:17] BD: I love that because there's intentionality in that too and meaning in that playlist. So that makes it even more beautiful. Something cool that we've done over the years is that our sound machine has like a rain thunderstorm option. So we've always played that, and we kind of realized over time that it actually desensitized everyone in the house to storms. [00:18:38] PF: Oh, I need to get that. I need that. [00:18:41] BD: They aren't fearful of storms at all. In fact, they'll sleep straight through them. Anytime it does storm, I mean, it's almost like immediately they go to sleep. So it does have like more benefits than just playing it in the background. I think that sound and kind of drowning out any stressful sounds in the background is what the goal is, and that’s really what we're trying to do. There's also dog TV options. There's literal channels that are devoted, or you can just put on Animal Planet. But some animals love that. Then I think if we want to get more in depth here for like the folks that really are gone for eight hours a day, some pet parents are able to come home, walk their pets, have lunch at home, do a check in with their animal, and leave. Some aren't. So what's available to them, and I'm a huge proponent of this, is doggy daycare and dog walkers. There's an app for everything, right? There is an app for dog walking. There are so many doggy daycares now that literally specialize in kind of like a carpool drop off process for your dogs. So this can help because folks can come to your home. They can walk your dog, or you can drop your dog off at daycare. They can play with their friends, and then they can come home. But I think thinking about going back to those senior dogs and the high energy dogs, the dogs with anxiety, having someone come and let them out and take them for a walk, give them treats, give them attention, this can have a huge impact on their day in a positive way. [00:20:07] PF: Let’s talk – That's going to make their whole experience better. It's going to give you peace of mind. How’s it going to affect when you come home? What's the difference between coming home to a dog who's either been in daycare or who has been walking already versus coming home to one that's been alone for eight, nine hours? [00:20:24] BD: Yeah. They're able to blow off energy. They're able to have a resource and an outlet for their anxiety. All of that's able to get out. Think about how you are and you're just having to sit in your office chair for eight hours a day. Yeah. So when you're done, I mean, there's kind of like this moment of just like, “Oh.” So it's the same thing for our animals. Getting to have that outlet and have that human connection, be able to get some energy out and blow steam, that's going to change your greeting when you get home. Maybe you're greeted to a happy, tired dog, versus a dog that wants to jump all over you and just run all over the place and be destructive. Again, that's not the animal's fault. This is what's going to happen. This is why I think it's so important to have this conversation and create a plan because this is kind of like the unavoidable thing that happens when we have to leave our pets. So let's set them up for success by doing all of these things for them. [00:21:19] PF: One thing that sometimes seems counterintuitive because it's like, “Well, get a second dog,” and it's like, “That's more work.” Yes, but it's also a huge payoff, if you can get your pet a companion. Can you talk about the importance of that and what to think about? [00:21:37] BD: Yeah. I think having a companion, a friend for your pet, takes the pressure off of you a little bit. But also, it makes it to where their interactions are endless with that friend. It also gives them that companion to feel safe and to feel comfort in. Sometimes, for a highly anxious dog, to get a companion for them that is not anxious, to be able to pull those cues from them and say, “Oh, okay. I don't need to be nervous right now. I don't need to be scared right now because you're cool.” So that also teaches them that it's okay to be calm. [00:22:16] PF: If you can't get another dog, if you don't feel like you're in a position where I can afford, I want to get a second dog, you can even do a coop thing. Like we – When I lived in my apartment in Nashville, we had a neighbor, and she would bring her dogs over, or she would hang out over there. It’s like our own little daycare pod to help ease their loneliness during the day. [00:22:36] BD: I love that. That just goes back to the opportunities, and the options here really are endless. It just takes a little bit of intentionality on our part to look into that and to try to create that safety net for our pets that does set them up for success. It also sets us up for success in our relationships with them and in our overall happiness and that bond that we have with our pets. I think it just helps all of that. [00:23:01] PF: Absolutely. So how's it going to change things if we can kind of get this under control and make our pet’s time alone a happy time? What's that going to do for our overall household? [00:23:13] BD: I think everyone involved is going to be happier. I think maintaining that human animal bond is essentially not just for our pets, but it's for our happiness, too. So it's kind of that return, right? We pour into them, and what they get back to us is endless. So I like to think of that as a very collaborative happiness model, right? [00:23:34] PF: Yeah, that's terrific. So what would be like your number one piece of advice, the number one thing to take away from this? People are getting back into their routines and want to make sure that their pet is having the best experience, and their whole house is having a great experience. What's the one thing you hope they remember? [00:23:51] BD: Is to not forget about their animals in this. Don't forget about their feelings because their feelings matter in this, and they are just as affected by the back to school, the back to work rush as we are. So just to have some intentionality and like kind of that reminder that we need to take their feelings into accountability when we're making the shift. [00:24:13] PF: I love it. Brittany, thank you so much. You always have so much great insight on the animal kingdom, and I appreciate you coming back and talking about it. [00:24:21] BD: Thank you so much. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:24:26] PF: That was therapist Brittany Derrenbacher, talking about how to ease our pet’s stress as we head back to school and back to work. If you'd like to learn more about Brittany and the work she's doing, or follow her on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Now that we're back in school, we're just a few weeks away from World Teachers’ Day on October 5th. If you want to show your appreciation for a special teacher or maybe just earn a few brownie points, we've got you covered. We have an entire section in the Live Happy Store dedicated to teacher gifts, and you can check them out when you visit store.livehappy.com/teacher-gifts. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Managing End of Summer Anxiety With Eli Weinstein  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 381 of Live Happy Now. We've hit the end of summer. For many people, that means dealing with end of summer anxiety, and it's not just for kids anymore. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm talking with Eli Weinstein, a social work therapist and host of The Dude Therapist Podcast, who is here to talk about how we all can handle that end of summer anxiety and head into fall with a brand new game plan. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:30] PF: Eli, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:32] EW: Thank you for having me. Super excited to be here. [00:00:34] PF: This is a great topic for us to talk about because it's the end of summer, and that means end of summer anxiety. So we are already living in a time when anxiety is really high. So what is it about the end of summer that then increases that a little bit? [00:00:53] EW: I think when we have the summer mentality, we kind of take a step back, relax a little bit, take our foot off the gas a lot, and relax. I remember when I was in grad school or even in college, and I actually had summers off. Going back into the “real world” was so scary because you haven't had to do it for about two and a half months. So for a lot of people, getting back into the swing of things or even if they haven't been off, but their kids have been off, getting back into that routine again, it is something that scares a lot of people, myself included. [00:01:30] PF: Yeah, because it does disrupt the parent. As parents, we've gotten used to a slower pace. You don't have to get the kids up, get them out the door, get them to school unnecessarily. Now, that's all getting back into this more serious mindset. So what are some of the ways that parents respond to that? What kind of anxiety are they feeling? [00:01:49] EW: Well, overwhelmed, right? It's the overwhelming feeling of, “Oh, my goodness. I have to go back, and shop, and go to the stores, and get them new clothes, and stock up the fridge and the cabinets with all the different odds and ends that your kids might need. Then it means less free time to you, less relaxed time for you because now you got to be on. From the second that clock turns a certain time in the morning, it is just go, go, go all day, and it's not as relaxed. So the hardest part for a parent is that morning get out and that nighttime put down to bed, right? When you don't have to do it for a couple of months, you kind of get used to that, and you forget the stress that comes with it. Then all of a sudden, it comes creeping in like a little spider, right into your mind about the idea of like, “Oh, here we go again. It's about to go down.” That's where everything starts to bubble, the what ifs, the who knows, the how's it going to go, and what's this year going to bring. How are my kids going to function this year versus last year can be very, very anxiety-inducing. [00:02:53] PF: That's such a great point, like last year compared to this year. Your kids are changing. The world is changing. So what was anxiety-producing for them one year might be completely different the next year. [00:03:05] EW: Yeah. The past couple of years, when they might not have had to go to school because of the pandemic, that was a different stressor and how maybe schools are open. I think a lot of the schools are open now or having hybrids or whatever situation is in your area. Getting used to that, having a couple of years off from that as well, is even more pressure because you haven't really had to do it for a couple of years, maybe at least one or one and a half years. Now, you have to really relearn what works for you in that morning routine and that night routine to get things kind of the ball rolling when it comes to the stress level. [00:03:42] PF: So let's unpack this because we've got this big old ball of stress that's going on, and the whole family is wrapped up in it. So where do you start? Do you start taking care of yourself? Or do you start with your kids? Or how do you start untangling that? [00:03:56] EW: Yeah. So for me, one of the biggest things I would suggest is if you do have a partner in crime in your life, I would sit down and talk to them to try to talk them and say, “Okay, here's what I'm feeling. Here's what's going on. How can we make this work?” Because whether it's the mom, the dad, two moms, two dads, whatever the structure of the family unit is, stress is across all human beings and, of course, parents and their children. So create a team. Create a unit. Don't just leave it all to yourself. Especially if your kids are old enough, figure out how to include them in it. So let's say, for example, a big stressor is packing lunches or breakfast in the morning, where it's just like, “Go, go.” Things are flying. It's overwhelming. You're getting dressed. They're getting dressed. You haven't had your coffee yet. It's just nutso. [00:04:42] PF: Chaos. [00:04:43] EW: And chaos, right? So make a team effort, right? What can you do the night before that relieves the stress? What can your partner do as well as you, so it's not just on you because that's unfair and unrealistic? Because your life matters as much as everyone else, no matter what your responsibilities are outside of the home. So make a game plan. Every single sports team in the history of the world, before a game, make a game plan before the game. So they don't get to it and go, “Well, we weren't prepared for this. I don't know how to deal with this.” [00:05:16] PF: We didn't know that we’re going to have – [00:05:18] EW: “We didn’t know they had that,” right? No, no, no. You should have prepared, and we should be prepared as parents. So it means sitting down, making a game plan, maybe a schedule, maybe a rotation. Maybe it means sitting with your kids, if you have kids in high school, who are older, who don't need as much micromanaging and on top of them to get them out of the door. I have a three-year-old daughter. I can't let her get her breakfast herself. That's just not going to happen. We're going to have Fruit by the Foot every single morning, and she can reach it, and we haven't moved it yet. So not ideal, right? So you maybe include the older kids to watch the younger kids or have the older kids make their own breakfast, so you don't have to. Maybe it means setting up the clothes the night before. Who knows? There are many ways that have to work for you and your family. Then once you get the game plan down, try your best to trial and error. If it doesn't work, don't be stuck on it. Switch it up. Be flexible. Try a different formula. Make it work for you and your family, and make sure that it doesn't all fall on you. [00:06:17] PF: That can be tough because even though you set up this game plan as like, “This is how we're going to do it,” we have old patterns, and it gets really easy to fall back into those and all these great intentions of we're going to distribute the responsibility. It just kind of goes out the window, and one person is back to doing the whole thing. So how do you keep them with a sports team? How do you do these little huddles to like keep everybody in the game all the time? [00:06:42] EW: That's the struggle of communication and relationships and family, right? It means constantly checking in. When I grew up, my family always had dinner together, which I found out wasn't a regular thing. But that means if things feel out of whack, if you are really uncertain or overwhelmed, it doesn't mean that others aren't doing anything. It just means that you need to talk to them to see what has to be rebalanced, an equilibrium amongst everyone. So it's checking and say, “Hey. I've been feeling like I've been falling back or I just feel like things are kind of out of whack a lot recently. Is it just me or –” “Oh, yeah, yeah. I haven't really been pulling. I’ve been busy.” Communicate. Talk it out. Sometimes, the biggest key, like you said before, is starting with yourself to become aware of your old patterns so that you can have checks and balances with your partner to say, “Hey, can you keep a lookout to see if I'm going to be doing X, Y, and Z that I always do that ends up making me overwhelmed and makes me stressed? And then I put so much pressure on myself. And then I yell and I scream,” and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So just start by becoming aware in the ideas that are running your life. Then, oh, my goodness, when you start becoming aware and self-reflective, the patterns that you can recreate and become aware of the old patterns to kind of stop them in their tracks can be something that de stresses and creates a better functioning you. That's really, really fun to see. [00:08:04] PF: Just that idea of creating a routine eliminates so much anxiety. Why is that? Tell us how that works. [00:08:12] EW: Sure. Because our brains are made to function on consistency and routine when things are the unknown, right? What's going to happen next? It’s not what we need for survival. Our brains are bred and are coded for survival, and survival equals I know what's going to happen, so I know how to deal with it. If I don't know how to deal with it, I'm going to freak out. My brain is going to go in survival mode and start to panic. It is the natural tendency that we do and go to when things are uncomfortable, overwhelming, and unknown. But when we can create a somewhat because we can't make everything perfect, and nothing's ever perfect, but a somewhat assumed or knowledge of what can be every day, then we know what to expect. We know how to attack it. We know how to defend it. We know how to figure out, and we even navigate what's going to come. That's why it's super important to know your own schedule, your kid’s schedule, and everyone's on the same wavelength and the same game plan. So you know how to weave and dodge and move from any potential stressors because you know what's going to come. [00:09:27] PF: As we hit that end of summer, is it good to do it like this fast pivot? Or how can we ease into it? So it's not such an abrupt, “Oh, hey. It's summertime. We're having a great time,” and all of a sudden, well, it's gone. Now, you're not going to have fun. [00:09:41] EW: Yeah. I think Labor Day is like that. [00:09:44] PF: Turning point. [00:09:45] EW: The turning point. So it really depends on the person. Some people are good on the fly, right? Some people are good with, “We got this. Next day, we're done. We're ready. We're good. We're golden.” Some people need two weeks or three weeks to prepare. It really depends on the person. The fun thing about anxiety is that even if you prepare, it still might come up because life can be stressful and uncertain. So it also means having compassion with yourself that even if you either do it last minute, or you do it in the right time for you, it doesn't mean that you're going to all of a sudden erase any anxieties that might come up. It just means that you're better equipped to handle it. It also means that if it does come up, that you need to give yourself a lot of compassion, that you're just doing your best. I think we forget that sometimes as parents. We forget that it is so hard to run our own lives, and now we're responsible for little humans and their lives, that we have to just do our best. As long as they are healthy, alive, and out the door in school, if their socks aren't matching, it's not the end of the world. If they don't have the most nutritious snacks, but they are happy with their snacks, not the end of the world. If they get to school, and they're doing well in school, that is the key, if they're making friends and socializing. But all the little things that we overwhelm ourselves with and stress about usually aren't the biggest deal. But we make them a big deal because our brain is so easily focused on those small things as “failures or mistakes or issues” that we hyper focus on them and make ourselves eat ourselves alive by them. So give yourself some grace and compassion to let go sometimes and realize that your kids are doing the best they can. You're doing the best that you can. As long as they're going out the door and healthy, you are a successful parent. [00:11:27] PF: Well, let's talk about social anxiety for kids because that's a huge problem right now. If a child has that, then going back to school can be really traumatizing for them. So what are some ways? One, how does a parent differentiate between a child just being anxious about,  a little nervous about going back to school and having an actual social anxiety situation that needs a little bit more attention? [00:11:55] EW: Yeah. I think the first thing is sitting down with your kids’ open-ended questions about their new school year, right? Asking them not just yes or no questions, but leading questions to understand and learn about them. Your goal as a parent is to help your kids grow and to understand them and be there with them through that journey. Every kid's got the jitters before school. I know I did first day of work, first day of school. All that first can be very – Because you don't know what to expect. You don't know what's going to bring into this year, into this semester, into the new teachers, the new classmates potentially, or even the new you that you've figured out over the summer. So sit down and say, “Hey, what are you looking forward to this year?” “Nothing.” “No, no, no. We don't take single-word answers. We got to have real conversations.” I mean, sitting there and saying, “Hey, I got your back. I'm going to be there to support you. I want to make sure you're okay.” Being a little nervous about school in general is really healthy. Even having some social anxiety can be a survival tool, if you feel in danger or unsafe. So if they come out to say that, find out why. Is there a bully in class? Is there a teacher that they really don't like or a class that they're really nervous about failing? If it really is that serious, I beg of you to get help earlier than later. Because the later you do it, they are building habits and patterns in their life, in their brain to avoid the situations more than confronting and dealing with them in a healthier way to navigate and cope with it. But social anxiety makes sense, right? We've been hiding for how many years. I mean, all of a sudden – [00:13:27] PF: It’s been a couple. [00:13:28] EW: A couple, right? Now, we have to go into the real world. But also, you have to learn about your kid. Each kid is their own unique universe. So don't be frantic and get scared right away when they're a little anxious about social world. Maybe they're growing. Maybe they got a crush at school. Maybe they're going through puberty and uncertain about their bodies or themselves. It has nothing to do with anxiety, anxiety, but more about uncertainty of self-confidence and self-esteem. So really, just start learning, watching, paying attention to your kids, being in the moment, being present, putting your stuff down and focus on your kids, and really kind of being aware. When you start becoming aware of your kids and asking the right questions, you can really learn how to help them. [00:14:10] PF: Yeah. Are there any things that can be done in the morning, like practices you can do in the morning? As we've said already, it's just chaos, trying to get out the door. Everybody, make sure you have your lunch. Make sure you've got this, and we're going to get everywhere on time. That in itself can spike your anxiety. So what are some things maybe that can be done realistically because we know there's a lot to get done in the morning? What are some practices that can be implemented with children to kind of make that easier? [00:14:39] EW: Yeah, for sure. I feel like we can get a lot of hate from parents right now. But maybe it means waking up a little bit early yourself, right? Because I think a lot of times, what happens to parents is that they're so frazzled with the morning routine. That because they're frazzled and kind of on edge, they're kind of embracing that feeling a little bit and maybe projecting it or expressing it some way or another on their kids, which then rubs off on them. Then it's just chaos ensues. So waking up 15, 20 minutes earlier than what your kids and when your kids are supposed to wake up or their alarms can be the difference maker of you having your morning coffee alone, quiet and calm. So I would, one, start there as a parent. The other thing you can do prior to the day, even starting the night before, prep a little bit. 30 minutes of prep the night before can be the biggest difference of any insanity that can be created the next day. I know we have long days, myself included. My wife and I do our best to try to prepare as much as we think we can or we have the energy to. If we don't have the energy to, that's okay. But if we do have the energy, go for it. [00:15:45] PF: So let's talk about like at the end of the day, when you kind of – Everybody's in the house. Are there any practices that families can use to kind of stay in touch with where everyone's anxiety levels are, kind of check in, and then also just create more calm that sets it up for the next day? [00:16:03] EW: I'm a big fan, and I always said this earlier of like eating together as much as possible, even if it's once or twice a week. But if you can, try to have one or two dinners a night where actually everyone puts their phones down, and you just talk. No pressure. Just to hear what your kids – Not how was your day. What was the favorite part of your day, right? Open-ended questions, right? How was your day? Fine. Right, one-ended, so that one word. What was your favorite part of the day? Oh, when I went with recess with my best friend, Joe, and we really had a great time playing kickball. Or what was the hardest part of your day, right? Just to learn and hear about what they have to say, creating a conversation with the family. I'm a big fan of game nights or movie night. Something that is family-oriented. Also, just be conscious of how long your kids. Give it a couple of weeks. Don't force it because the beginning is a lot for their brains. So don't be offended if they're just tired and overwhelmed. Give it time. Don't push it. It's about the relationship and about the connection long term and not about forcing a scenario right now. [00:17:04] PF: For all of our best efforts, sometimes it doesn't go like we would want it to. When does a parent know that they need to get help as a family or that a child might need – Their anxiety might need outside help? [00:17:18] EW: If it's out of your purview, if you realize that you are just out of your depth, and the school can't deal with it anymore, or the school keeps talking to you about how, “Hey, your kids are just not themselves,” you know your kid better than anyone else. You're there with them every day. You've been with them every day of their lives. Open your eyes, open your heart, and open your mind to see them for who they are right now. If you see that they are not themselves, it doesn't hurt to just call someone to talk to them. After one or two assessments or sessions, the therapist says, “Your kid’s great. They're just [inaudible 00:17:51].” Now, you know. If they say, “Hey, maybe they need a little extra talking to,” you did your due diligence. It never hurts. I want to make this very, very adamantly clear. Your kid is never broken, that needs to be fixed. Your kid might need some space that is not you that can help them. It doesn't mean that they're broken. No one can fix them because they're not a problem that it means put back together. It’s not on a puzzle that broke. So be aware, be conscious, and open your minds, hearts, and eyes to your kids. If you see they're not themselves, talk to somebody. If you can't help yourself, find someone who can. [00:18:27] PF: So as we go into the school year and the summer, get it all cranked up. What is the one thing that you really hope parents take away from this? What is the thing that you want them to keep first and foremost in their mind? [00:18:39] EW: Take a breath. Make a plan. Do your best. That's it. Just take a breath, make a plan, and do your best. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:18:52] PF: That was therapist, Eli Weinstein, talking about how to curb end of summer anxiety. If you'd like to learn more about Eli, listen to his Dude Therapist Podcast, or follow him on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. If you haven't visited our Live Happy Store in a while, this is your friendly reminder that we have several cool new items to help you celebrate your positivity, including our fabulous new Live Happy Now Podcast t-shirts and some brand new journals. Check them out when you visit our store at livehappy.com. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Learn How to Ditch the Devices With Florence Ann Romano  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 380 of Live Happy Now. As we go back to school, it means kids are spending even more time on their screens. So, what's a parent to do? I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm talking with childcare advocate and author, Florence Ann Romano, about the importance of balancing time on devices. Florence Ann is a big fan of ditching the devices and discovering off-screen play. And she's here today to talk about how parents can get a handle on their children's screen time, and maybe improve their own screen habits in the process. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:39] PF: Florence Anne, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:42] FAR: Thank you for having me. [00:00:44] PF: We are headed back to school. And this makes it the perfect time to sit down and talk with you. Because as we head back, it makes managing our children’s screen time even more challenging than maybe during the summer. So, I guess to start, do you have any different guidelines for different age groups about like how much is too much time? [00:01:05] FAR: It’s really going to depend on the circumstances of the family. You don't have to follow these parameters necessarily and be like, “Okay, if you know they're three-years-old, it's only going to be 30 minutes a day.” I think it depends on what you need to use the technology for. And I've never been someone who is a stickler for rules consistently necessarily. I know that may sound funny. But what I mean by that is you have to be flexible. Depending on the day, depending on what's going on with the kids, you may need a little more screen time than less. And that's okay. I think people get caught up in this idea that it's balance, balance, balance. And every day is not going to be balanced the way you may define it. Certain days may be more balanced than others. And I think giving ourselves a lot of grace with that is important. Because if you don't, then you're really setting yourself up for failure. So, seeing what the needs of the day are, I think that's the first way to try and vet it. [00:02:11] PF: Oh, that's a great approach. I was talking to someone yesterday, and we were talking about Gen Z. And he was bringing up the point like when he was growing up, if he wanted to research a paper, he went to the library. If he wanted to talk to a friend, he used to telephone. If he wanted to take a picture, he used a camera. And he's like, “Now, that is all in one device for these children.” So, when people complain about too much screentime, he's like, “They're doing some of the same things we did. They're just doing it all on one device.” [00:02:39] FAR: Mm-hmm. And isn't that amazing, right? In terms of – [00:02:41] FAR: Oh, yeah. Yeah. [00:02:43] FAR: I know. It feels like there's so much. There's so much that we're technology-wise being inundated with in our face. And it's a lot to sort through. But the idea of having technology is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be educational. It can be very useful. And I think that knowing that we can use it in ways that can be beneficial, that's also a good way to approach it. Because if you're only looking at it as entertainment and not educational, then you can be really hard on yourself about allowing technology. It's just the idea that you're using it as needed. And you're using it in ways that are going to, again, be beneficial to kind of the rhythm of the day. And if you're just sticking your kids in front of the TV or their iPads all day long, then yeah, I would say there's a problem with that. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're just talking about the idea that there needs to be regulation, and then also finding the space for where it can be educational and entertaining. [00:03:53] PF: Right. And how do you get a handle on screen time when it is? It's not might be anymore. It is required for school. We had a situation in our family where a certain niece was allegedly doing her homework, and it sounded a lot like video games. And turned out that’s what we were doing. And so, how do parents work with that situation? Because, yes, you want to send your child. Go to your room. Do your homework. That's great. How do you make sure they're doing this? [00:04:23] FAR: Making sure that they have a routine I think is what it comes down to. You want to be able to give them consistency in that sort of way, because I think it helps them become more disciplined. It helps them become more responsible. It also helps them be able to deal with the day. And I think even as adults, we see this. When we're in a routine, when we're productive, when we're –We feel like we're operating at our best selves. And children feel the same way too. So, if there can be some structure where, “Okay, chores, and homework, and some screen time, and some reading time, those are things that they can depend on then.” And as long as they have the expectation, they're going to be set up for more success in that way because they get used to it. They know. They know what is expected of them. And so, you're teaching them a lot of responsible lessons there. [00:05:24] PF: That's a really great point, because you can look down the road and see how teaching them to balance these things is going to have effects on their careers and on their relationships down the road. [00:05:35] FAR: Exactly. And I think it's important for us to remember that we're raising our children because they're going to be adults. They're going to have to have professional relationships. They're going to have careers. They're going to have romantic relationships, all of these things. And so, we're setting them up for success as adults. And they need to learn about critical thinking, and all of those different things, when they're younger, because that's going to inform how they are as, hopefully, a very operational adults. [00:06:13] PF: That's a great approach. I love that. And one thing that you've talked about, too, are the implications of spending too much time on a screen. And so, I want to deal with in a few ways. And let's start with what it's doing to young brains, if they are just on devices, that they're constantly on a screen, how does it affect their brain development? [00:06:30] FAR: Well, you want people to think outside the box. Not just children, right? We all see these people that come up with all of these inventions and unbelievable breakthroughs, things like that. It's that’s because they're thinking outside the box. And you go back to what was childhood like for them? What did they learn? How did they play? How are they creative? And that to me is so interesting, because that I think is the real sweetness of it all, is this imaginative play part, where you are allowing the creative juices to flow. You are allowing a child to imagine, and create, and inspire. And the way they do that sometimes is through boredom. The way they do that is by having those tablets taken away from them. Playing with people. Socializing with other kids. Learning how to share. How to be empathetic. All of those different things. I think that leads to a lot of – Shapes the person in a really significant way as they grow up because they were allowed the chance to imagine. And I think we can't de-emphasize that in our lives today, where there's different ways to raise kids, right? Now, versus then, old school, new school. But I think one thing that is evergreen is that we do need to continue to be able to raise our children with the emphasis on figuring out how their brains work. What they know? What they're passionate about? And then giving them the chance to really express that. [00:08:11] PF: And are there any tips on play that you can give? So, when you take that screen away, after the screaming stops, what are some ways in play that you can engage them that will really start those brain synapses firing? [00:08:26] FAR: Well, you can do things that maybe don't necessarily feel like learning. Tricking kids into learning. Maybe you're going to bake. You're going to bake a cake, or cupcakes, or do something like that. You're going to be teaching math skills to them. They don't know it, but they are going to be doing that. And that's fun. It's helping their brains work. It's creative. It's tactile. It's really about kind of masking it sometimes for them. And also, the option. Giving them options. Making kids feel like they have a little more control than perhaps they think they do. So instead of just saying, “Give me that iPad, and you're doing this.” You could say, “Okay, how about we can either read a book? We can make a pizza? Or we can go swing on the swing set?” Give them options for things that you want them to do that they're all healthy options, get them off their iPads. But make them feel like they're involved in the decision making. [00:09:25] PF: Oh, that's terrific. I love that. And one thing that you mentioned was empathy. And can we talk for a minute about what too much screentime does for emotional regulation? And how we can start offsetting some of that? [00:09:40] FAR: The idea of emotional regulation has always been interesting to me, because I think we see a lot of meltdowns happen because of overstimulation. And I grew up with a brother with autism. And Michael still has autism today. But him, as an adult even, we see him being overstimulated and he can be on his iPad a lot, non-technology a lot. And he plays this game called Angry Birds that, oh my gosh, he goes crazy when he loses. And sometimes we have to take that iPad away because it makes him too upset. And I see this even with neurotypical children. It's not going your way, or you’ve just been binging a show. Or you're on social media, and it's starting to make you feel bad about yourself because you're comparing everyone you see on social media. Sometimes you need that break. And I think we can all feel ourselves being overly stimulated by technology sometimes and seeing that sometimes it really is affecting us negatively. And it takes stepping back from it to sometimes realize that that's what's happening. I know for me, if I've been on the computer all day, or I've been on social media too much. And I can sometimes feel a little depleted. And I'll wonder where that feeling is coming from. And I'm like, “You know what? It's because I've been plugged in too much today. I need to go for a walk. I need to get outside. Or I need to call a girlfriend and have a chit chat,” or whatever it is. But it's about removing yourself from the situation. Changing it up and changing the environment. And you do feel better when you do it. [00:11:16] PF: 100%. I did that yesterday. I had four-hour-long Zoom calls during the day. And by like five o'clock, I'm like, “I'm going outside. I don't care what I do.” I'm not just – I will walk around in circles. It doesn't matter. [00:11:30] FAR: Exactly. Right. And that's important, though, for your brain, for your heart, for all of it. [00:11:35] PF: Yeah, and it's hard with kids. Because when they get into that mode, we know these apps and the games get really addictive. And they just hunker down, and they don't want to go outside. I think that's a big difference. We wanted to go outside. There were three channels, let's face it. I didn't want to stay in and watch it. That was a thing. Like, we wanted to go outside and play and do all these things. But when kids are resistant and reluctant to do that, how can we get them engaged and make it something that they do voluntarily that they start looking forward to? [00:12:05] FAR: Again, it's about giving them options. It's about allowing them the opportunity to do things that are going to give them some sort of sense of purpose, and entertainment, and joy. And again, giving suggestions, I think is also important too. Parents will say to me all the time, “I can't stand hearing from them that I'm bored.” I’m so tired of hearing that. And I also don't want to have to entertain my kids all the time. And that's very fair. You don't want to have to entertain your kids all the time. And you shouldn't have to. But, for example, there are these great sensory kits that you can buy, you can make, you can do. Montessori moms like them a lot. And you could set it up for them in the kitchen and bring them in and say, “Here you go. Now, figure out how it works. Create something. Here's a puzzle.” You can give them the tools, but then you can walk away and you can say, “I'm going to come back in 20 minutes. I want to see how you're doing. And show me your great work or whatever it is.” You don't have to sit there with them unnecessarily oversee it. Depending on the age, of course you don't give them anything that's a choking hazard or something like that. But you certainly can walk away and come back and check in and allow them that independence. [00:13:21] PF: Now, what kind of joy do they have when they start getting the sense of accomplishment offline and start finding these other tactile ways to experience life? [00:13:31] FAR: It seeing the confidence come from them, where you feel like they're able to figure out a little bit more who they are, and see that their personality is coming through and their interests are coming through. And acknowledging that with your children I think is important too. I would see some of my friends’ kids. They would be on stage at a recital or something like that. And they'd come off and give them flowers. And you'd say, “Oh my gosh! You were smiling so big. You looked like you were having so much fun.” And then that opens the conversation with them for them to elaborate on the fun that they were having. How it made them feel. And you'll always be excited to hear them say – Even if you say to them, “I'm so proud of you. That was so brave. That was so beautiful.” Whatever it was. And hearing them reflect back to you sometimes saying, “I'm proud of myself too.” That's the holy grail there. Allowing a child that moment of self-awareness. [00:14:34] PF: Oh, that’s beautiful. So, obviously, you're an expert at this. Do you see differences in children who are spending less time on screens and those who are always plugged in? [00:14:45] FAR: I see that the combination of those things. I always say, everything in moderation. I do find that children that are exposed to a little bit of everything, it makes for a much more fragrant popery in life. You want them to be able to have a lot of different life experiences so they can pick and choose the things in their life that are going to interest them and the ways that they can make a difference in the world. And so, yes, I think that by just limiting, and also compartmentalizing, and also exposing them to all sorts of different things culturally in society, environmentally, all of that, it just makes for a more well-rounded individual. And us as adults should constantly be challenging ourselves like that, too. We should always be learning and growing. And we should expect the same from adults that we do from children. [00:15:39] PF: And that's a great point that I wanted to talk about. Because as parents limit screen time for their children, they do kind of need to take stock of their own time being spent on screens. And you talk about how children or even our spouses feel when we are constantly on our devices. Can you talk about how our screen usage affects others? [00:16:02] FAR: I think it can significantly decrease our social skills. I think that – Look at what happened during COVID. I think we saw – When we were no longer a part of the village. When we weren't with people anymore. And all of a sudden, life started to open up again. And all of us were kind of like, “I kind of liked being in my yoga pants and watching my Netflix, and not having to go to that party.” And even me, who was a very social person, found myself struggling coming out of COVID having to be social again. Not that I didn't know how to talk to people. But I did find that maybe my skills were a little rusty. Making sure I was being an active listener. Making sure I was being present. And I think that I noticed those skills. Again, they didn't go anywhere. They're still there within me. It's just I didn't have a chance to practice it in a while. We saw that with children too, when they weren't in school. When they did finally go back to the classroom, it was harder to concentrate. Maybe an already shy child now was even more shy because they were able to isolate. They were able to kind of de socialize in some sort of way. So, I think you could see this in many different capacities. And COVID actually was a really good example of how when we do stop socializing, how it can impair you. [00:17:30] PF: For adults who are in the situation where now they're spending a lot of time on their devices, how can we kind of correct that and become more aware of how much time we as adults are spending on devices? [00:17:46] FAR: I think it's always difficult for us to preach to our children about getting off technology when we as adults have a really hard time doing that ourselves. Ad walking the walk and talking the talk. I've seen a lot of families be very successful, where they actually use a timer, where all of them have to put their devices away. And it's maybe during dinner time. Or maybe it's after everyone's done with homework, and they're going to have a little family time. And they're all maybe not even going to talk to each other. They're all going to do like a family reading session. Everyone picks up their book. They all gather around, get real snuggly, and read. Again, it's about understanding that it's not the quantity of the time. It is the quality of the time and also leading by example as adults. Showing them, “This is something I do myself.” Instead of, “When I have some downtime between meetings, or between Zooms, or whatever it is, I pick up my book instead of my phone, and I read maybe a couple chapters. Or I go outside. Or take a walk around the block.” It's showing our spouses, showing our partners, showing our significant others that you also are prioritizing them in that time. You have a half hour free. How about during that half hour, we take a walk around the block together? Or we're going to have lunch together real quick. Or whatever it is. Again, it doesn't have to be the quantity. Because it's very difficult in life to be given quantity of anything when we are all such busy people. But those small moments lead up to big results. [00:19:19] PF: Yeah, and sometimes we have those great intentions and we say, “That's what I'm going to do.” It's like, Florence Ann is right. I'm going to do that from now on.” And then you get the work text, or things like that happen. So, how do we maintain those boundaries? Because I know so many people who are like, “I've tried. Like, I tried to just set it aside.” But then you're concerned about your mother. You're concerned about work. You're concerned about all these things that you might be missing. So, how do we chill our minds out and except the boundaries that we need to set? [00:19:51] FAR: Boundaries are hard. Because people assume when you say the word boundaries, that all of a sudden it means that there's rejection or that they're wrong. Or that it’s a dirty word when you say that. People get like their shield up in some sort of way. Communicating, that's the first rule of any good relationship, friendship, romantic relationship. Asking for what you need instead of waiting for the person to fail, because you're expecting them to read your mind. And so, making your wants, needs, desires aware to the other person, that is going to help you tenfold. Because you're not going to just be sitting there waiting for someone to pick up on your mood, or pick up on your vibe, or again, wait for them to fail you in some way. Ask for what you need. Ask for what you want. But then also, be open minded, enough to hear what they also need. It can't be one sided. And that's every relationship that we have in this world, even with your children. It cannot be one sided as a parent. If you mess up, you need to be able to say I'm sorry to your child the same way you're going to say sorry to your spouse or your friend. [00:21:03] PF: I know that you have so much great advice. Your website is a wonderful resource. What would you say like the one thing everybody listening out there, if they can just remember one thing from all this? How do we make the school year and our work more about human connection than Internet connections? [00:21:18] FAR: Well, my favorite line is a quote from Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you did. People forget what you said. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” And that to me is life right there. And I think we need to teach our children that from a young age, that the way we make people feel is important. The way that we're kind. The way that we're compassionate. And the only way that we're really going to be able to do that is if we do unplug from those devices and we are aware of what's going on around us, and who maybe needs help, and how can we be helpful? And so, that's my last message, I suppose, as we go into this new school year that we as adults as well as children should be abiding by. [00:22:01] PF: I love it. Thank you so much for sitting down with me today. Like said, you've got a lot of wisdom to impart upon us. We're going to tell people where they can find you. But I appreciate you taking the time to talk with us today. [00:22:12] FAR: Thank you for having me. It was such a joy. [OUTRO]   [00:22:17] PF: That was Florence Ann Romano, talking about how to create a balance with screen time. If you'd like to learn more about Florence Ann, watch her Windy City Nanny YouTube series, listen to her podcast, Finger Painting the Future, or follow her on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. And if you haven't hit our back to school sale yet, make sure you get in on the special deals we're offering. Right now, you can get 20% off our back to school merch when you use the code Happy Learning at the Live Happy Store. Grab some of our bestselling mop top pens, our cheerful coffee mugs, or our fun buttons with positive messages, and get it all at 20% off. Just visit our store at livehappy.com and remember to use the code Happy Learning. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Escaping the Comparison Trap With Dr. Ronald Siegel  [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 379 of Live Happy Now. Whether we admit it or not, most of us spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others. What if our true superpower is learning just to be ourselves? I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I'm talking with psychotherapist, psychology professor and mindfulness expert, Dr. Ronald Siegel, whose latest research looks at what a climate of self-comparison is doing to undermine our happiness. His latest book, The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary, looks at the trap of constant self-evaluation, and explains how we can learn to let go of our comparison culture, and live a more satisfying happy life. Today, he's talking about how we got here, and what we can do about it. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:51] PF: Ron, thank you so much for being on Live Happy Now. [00:00:54] RS: Thanks so much for having me. [00:00:55] PF: This is such a fascinating book that you've written, and I think one thing that would surprise people, surprised me right off the bat, is where you say in the foreword, that you yourself were doing the self-comparison and the self-evaluation. I think, anyone familiar with your level of expertise, and what you've done would be surprised so. So, how did you come to realize that that was something that you were falling into? [00:01:22] RS: Well, it's interesting. The idea for this book came about when I was in my 60s, I'm in my later 60s now. And there I was, having spent a good four decades, actually, involved in meditative practices, mindfulness practices, in particular. Those come out of wisdom traditions that have as one of their goals, to be less self-preoccupied, to be more connected to the wider world, and particularly to be less preoccupied with ego, right? To getting my desires met, or proving myself or self-aggrandizement in life. At the same time, I have spent at least as many decades working as a psychotherapist, and that involves also in my own training, in my own life, being patient or client in psychotherapy, and working with countless clients over the years, and you would think that fruit of that would be to have something called a coherent or stable sense of self, or as sometimes happens in a lot of Western therapeutic traditions, stable and high self-esteem. And being fairly aware of what goes on in my own consciousness as somebody who does a lot of mindfulness practice, it was quite clear to me that neither of those things had happened. I was neither done with self-preoccupation, nor had arrived at anything like a stable, coherent sense of self. I mean, I'm not saying that I wasn't able to function well, in the world. I function quite nicely and I do and accomplish all sorts of things. And I have family and friends and I actually have a rather blessed and good life in that way. But to be honest about what was going on in consciousness, is still quite regularly going up and down in various ways. I would, for example, have a session in which I'm the psychotherapist, and it would go well. It would feel effective. It would feel poignant. It would feel connected. I think, “Yeah, all these years of training and practice, I'm good at this. This is great. I'm a good psychologist.” And then I'd have another session that didn't go so well, and I'd be back feeling like, “I was a bright guy. I could have gotten into so many fields. This is clearly not my calling.” Similarly, in other realms of my life, I'd have days or moments where I'd feel like I'm a good, loving husband and other days where I feel like I'm a self-preoccupied lout, as a father, as everything. Just noticing the constant shifts, and the constant hunger for some kind of positive feedback or good feeling. I do a lot of teaching, a lot of training of psychotherapists, and even after all these years, showing up, and if more people show up for the other person's workshop at the conference than mine, well, this feeling of disappointment or not good enough, where people show up in mind this feeling of, “Oh, yeah, I'm great, I'm capable, I'm confident.” I started noticing that virtually everybody that I work with professionally, virtually all my clients or patients, are struggling with this in some way also, are often feeling somehow, they're not good enough, and they’re either in one state or another. Either in the state of feeling disappointed, inadequate in some way. Feeling like we've failed or not met the mark, or the opposite. Feeling like, “Hey, I'm doing pretty well here”, but then constantly stressed out either pursuing achievements or pursuing feedback from others, trying to feel good about ourselves. That got me curious as to what the causes were as to what it was based on, and also, what are the antidotes? What are the solutions? How do we live with less of this preoccupation, more freedom, more connection, more joy, more flexibility in our lives? [00:04:47] PF: Yeah, and I think one thing, people will feel immediate relief that okay, it's not just me. I think that was the first thing, and then to realize, like wow, there are way more people feeling this way than I thought. As I look at the examples that you created in the book, and it's like, “Oh, my gosh, so many I can check that box.” It's like, “Oh, yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, that's me.” I think that there was something both alarming and reassuring about that. [00:05:14] RS: Both alarming and reassuring, I think you put that well. I want to say there's a mythology in our culture that really adds to the torment. And the mythology is, it's only losers who have these doubts. It's only losers that have insecurities. It's only losers that might have an interaction with a friend and think, “Hmm, was I being too self-centered? Hmm, did they think that I wasn't being caring enough?” Or who go to the party and feel, “These other people, they're more accomplished than I am. What do they think about me?” It's this fantasy that if only we could achieve enough, if only we could be an Internet influencer or entrepreneur, who's wealthy and famous by the time we're 30, then we wouldn't feel these things. It's just because we went wrong somehow that we suffer from this, and it is one of the steps on the road to freedom from this, is realizing its universality and realizing that we're really in this together. [00:06:07] PF: How pervasive is this problem? Is it like pretty much everybody that you know? [00:06:10] RS: I think it's everyone who's ever been born. [00:06:13] PF: There we go. [00:06:14] RS: There's a reason for this. This is actually rooted in our evolutionary history. The brain evolved for survival and for reproduction, and for passing on genes. The way that natural selection works as we the best we understand in the scientific community, is that those random variations in organisms over the years that are helpful for survival and passing on our genes, those are the ones that are going to persist, because those are the organisms are going to successfully reproduce. Now, why do we care about this? Why did chickens and so many other species organize themselves into what we call pecking hierarchies? Why are there species of crickets that if you put them in a box inside of a few seconds, they've got a dominance hierarchy going? Why do kids do this almost immediately, when you add them together into groups? Well, it turns out that those who were more dominant in all these different species had a better chance of reproducing successfully, they had more access to more partners, and they had a better chance of having the resources that they needed for their kids, so as to be able to support them. We might imagine in ancient history that there were happy hominids, holding hands, singing Kumbaya, focused only on cooperation and love, and none of this kind of competitive dominant stuff. But they didn't tend to reproduce the ones as efficiently as the ones who were focused on this. So, we got that. And the way it shows up for us in humans, it's more subtle, we're not just beating our chests like the chimpanzees do. It plays out at a much more subtle level in fluctuating self-esteem. Every time that we either think highly of ourselves or less highly of ourselves, it's by comparison, either with others, with our friends, our co-workers, our peers, or it's in comparison to some image that we have in our mind about who we're supposed to be or how we're supposed to be. So, if I think I'm a good dad, I'm implicitly comparing myself to either a model I have in my mind of what a dad should be, or other actual dads. The same thing for, if I think of myself as smart or strong or weak, or kind or caring. It's all this comparison, and it's the same kind of comparison that these other animals are doing in the field of dominance, only, we do it in all these subtle, symbolic ways. So, we are actually hardwired to be concerned with how we rank in the group and how we compare to others. That's why this is so universal. [00:08:39] PF: Well, something that we have that the animals don't, is social media, and the self-comparison, that was already an issue for us. It has been through time. But now with social media, it's really become amplified. You have an entire chapter on resisting ‘selfie esteem’, which I love that term. But can we talk about what social media is doing to drive this self-comparison and what that is doing to us? [00:09:08] RS: Yeah, it's so powerful. I'm on the faculty at Harvard Medical School and the story actually comes out of Harvard of this guy who noticed that people are always comparing themselves to others. He came up with the scheme some years ago, where he took the photographs that were on the intranet, the internal network of Harvard, and there were pictures of the undergraduate class, and he took them and he basically posted this on this website that he built, and he had people rate them for who's more attractive or less attractive, right? Suddenly everybody was into it. All the undergraduates were into it and it took a few days before the university caught wind of what was going on and shut down the website and actually expelled the guy. Well, the guy was Mark Zuckerberg, and he hit upon this idea that if we can get people to have the experience of getting a like, the sense of the thumbs up like, they'll do and it’ll motivate a lot, right? Because this gives us this little boost to self-esteem. So, you'll notice all the social media sites all have some way to either follow, well, that's a little practical, but also to like or not, posts that other people put on there, and we all become very addicted to this. The psychologists who study this, put people in brain scanners, and they find that the part of the brain, the nucleus accumbens, which is our reward center, it's the part that's activated from gambling wins, or for that matter, hits of cocaine, lights up when we get a like on Facebook or Instagram. So, that's going on, and that's being monetized, obviously. But it keeps us attached to it. And then there's the other thing, the way that people curate their images on social media. I don't know about you, but I don't see a lot of posts on Facebook or Instagram that, say, “Woke up this morning, had the runs again. I'm going to get a bad performance review at work. And I think my partner is going to dump me.” No, it's, “Here I am at this fantastic place, doing fantastic things, with fantastic people, looking beautiful and you're missing out.” That is the average post on social media. So, it leads all of us not only craving and being stuck in this addictive cycle of looking for things that are going to boost our self-esteem, but also looking at other people and having our heart sink. If we were countries or nation states, it would be as though we were looking at our own crime and poverty statistics and comparing them to other people's travel brochures. It's agonizing. It's an absolute setup for feeling that we're not good enough, and then feeling stressed out, like, I got to do more. I got to do more to somehow become a winner, instead of a loser. [00:11:49] PF: Now, we also know that’s very addictive. So, what is kind of the solution to be able to learn to step away from that? I know, for myself, I made an intentional move to be very mindful on Facebook, and on Instagram, and not post things to be like, “Hey, look at us doing this. Look at us.” It's like, I'll post something funny, I'll post something uplifting, but I won't post things really about what I'm doing. It's been an interesting little experiment for me, and I feel it's helped me. What can we do to – if we're going to live in that world, but then we want to still maintain our mental health? [00:12:26] RS: Right. Well, what you're doing is a really good place to start, right? To actually be – and it's part of the larger project. The larger project begins by simply taking an honest look at the degree to which our hearts and minds are captured by this worry about feeling good enough about ourselves. And by the whole world of social comparison, by all the ways in which we have thoughts all day long about how am I compared to others. I'm teaching a workshop here for mental health professionals, and when talking about this idea with them, just saying, how many of you notice since you came here, comparisons coming to mind? Everything from who's the psychiatrist? Who's the social worker? Who's the one who's running a program? Who's the one who's just working in one? Who's thinner? Who's taller? Who looks younger? On and on and on, our minds are constantly filled with these kinds of thoughts. So, the first thing is just noticing this, and noticing how it plays out when we use social media. Noticing when our feeling about ourselves goes up, we sit up a little taller, and our chest stands out a little bit more when we feel, “Yeah, hey, people like me. Hey, they think what I'm doing is great.” Or when we have the opposite feeling and that feeling of collapse. So, it starts simply with observation, with simply being aware of what's happening, and then really deciding what here is going to sustain my wellbeing, what is a reliable pathway to wellbeing? What is ephemeral and constantly going up and down? When we start realizing that, the likes and stuff and the showing off, that's very ephemeral. It goes up and down. It means deliberately withdrawing from it. Like, okay, exactly what you're doing. I'm not going to post these things. “Hey, look at me. Hey, look at how great I'm doing.” And in fact, maybe I'm even going to refrain from too much of this liking other people or not liking other people. Maybe I'm actually going to step back from it. And then what we do instead is look at what are the more sustainable pathways to wellbeing, because the really good news is we not only inherited from our evolutionary history this tendency to be worried about how we're doing, and this concern with social comparison. We also inherited other instincts that can bring us happiness or wellbeing that are much more reliable and that aren't zero sum games where our win is someone else's loss. [00:14:54] PF: Yeah, and let's talk about that. What are some of the other like, as you said, the steps that we can take toward changing how we're approaching ourselves and thinking about ourselves to jump off of this treadmill? [00:15:06] RS: Sure. Well, one of the most potent things that we can do, and we should talk about self-compassion, because that's also one of them. But one of the other ones is, and I have a whole chapter with this title. What if we went through life trying to make a connection rather than an impression? [00:15:20] PF: Oh, I love that. [00:15:23] RS: So often, when we interact with other people, we're kind of worried about how we look, how we sound, what they're thinking, and we're trying in some way to impress them, even if it's just to impress them that I'm a decent human being. But what if instead, we had all of our interactions be about how might I connect with this other person? How might I share honestly my experience of being human, and inquire with them about their experience of being human? Most of us who have had the privilege of having a good friend, have had situations in which we're talking to our good friend, and they're being honest, we're being honest, which usually means talking about our insecurities, or talking about our disappointments, or talking about ways in which perhaps our heart is broken, or we're afraid of something. In the process, our guard is let down, and our whole sense of self shifts. It shifts from a preoccupation with me to feeling like part of a, we. It's us, not me and you. That shift in how we experience ourselves, when we're connected to another human being, is a wonderful antidote to all of this kind of self-esteem preoccupation. Because in those moments, when we're with a friend that way, and kind of comparing notes and living a life, we're not so worried about how we're evaluated. We're not on that channel. We're on this other channel, which is that we also evolved to be social animals, social beings, who cooperate with one another, who lean on one another, who had been huddling together in caves since the beginning of time for mutual support. And when we feel that, all this other stuff starts to fall away. So, one broad avenue to be working in is, how do I connect safely to other people? A really good friend of mine, named Dr. Bob Waldinger, he wears a number of interesting hats. So, he's a Harvard psychiatrist. He's actually trained as a psychoanalyst and trains people in psychoanalysis. He's the head of the Harvard Study on Adult Development, which is the longest running longitudinal study asking the question, what really makes people thrive in life? It's been going on since 1933, and he happens to be a Zen priest. So, he wears quite a few hats and has quite a bit of wisdom. In his role as the director of the study of adult development, which has been following this cohort of men, because Harvard was all male back in 1933, and it was this set of some 700 odd men, some of whom were Harvard undergraduates, and some were matched in other ways. But they were poor kids from poor neighborhoods in Boston. And they've been following them for all these years, and looking at all sorts of measures of health, blood pressure, lipid levels, that kind of thing, looking at their social lives, looking at their career lives, and really seeing so what does it? What's important? And Bob would say, “The jury is in. It's the nature of our relationships.” People who have relationships in which they feel safe and connected with other people, they tend to thrive in life. When we don't, not so much. The interesting thing is that the relationships don't have to be continuously harmonious. It's fine if we bicker. It's fine if we argue. But we have to feel like we fundamentally understand and trust one another. That allows us to let down our guard, and it gives us a lot of freedom from the constant stress of this kind of social comparison. So, that is certainly one important thing to be cultivating. Whenever we find ourselves anxious or feeling bad about ourselves, or striving to stay on top, how can I connect other people? [00:19:01] PF: You give so much wonderful advice, recommendations and insight in this book, but where can people start? Because it's something we all need and even if we're farther down the path in this, and are a little bit more evolved and take better care of ourselves with our inner critic, I think we can all work on it. So, where does someone start today to start making that shift? [00:19:24] RS: Well, I think we start by just watching what's going on. I spent many years practicing and teaching, you know, mindfulness practices, which many people think of as, well, those are good for reducing stress. And yes, they're good for that. But they're even more useful for noticing the patterns of mind that create suffering for us. So, having some kind of practice where we regularly step out of the busyness of our goal-oriented activity, to just notice what's going on in the heart and mind, is really helpful because it starts by just noticing, “My gosh, how often these little ups and downs are happening during the day.” And my experience and the experience of others that I've talked to about this is when we're sensitized to it, we notice it's happening all the time. I mean, in this conversation that I'm having with you, there are moments where the idea comes readily, and I think, “Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm glad I share that. I hope people will like that.” And then other moment, “Well, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say.” So, it's happening all the time, even right here now. We start by being sensitized to it and noticing it, and trying not to despair, if we noticed that these sorts of evaluative thoughts are happening frequently. But that starts with recognizing it. The next thing is really recognizing that winning is not going to work to make this go away. I've worked with so many people who are super accomplished at what they do, and have done wonderful things in the world. But they still frequently feel not good enough, what happens? There are two reasons for this, and if I may include this. This is part of what we need to be aware. One is that we recalibrate. The things that once floated our boat, stopped working after a little while. We habituate to it. We get used to whatever the thing was that used to make us feel okay about ourselves, and then we wind up needing something more, and just seeing this pattern is really helpful, so that we don't just keep putting all our energies into this crazy idea that if only I can get it right, if only I can lose five pounds, then I'm going to feel good about myself. If only I can accomplish this or that. The other reason why the accomplishment doesn't work is because what goes up, goes down. Let's say you're really good at what you do. You're an Olympic gold athlete, what are the chances of winning the gold in four years? In eight years? None of this is going to last. So, the first is simply observation. And then what we do is once we really see what's not working, is we start turning our attention to what does work. Making the connection, practicing self-compassion, looking for ways to really give oneself a hug. And in the book, there's instructions for how you would do this, practicing gratitude, which we haven't spoken about yet. In a moment of gratitude, two things are going on. One is, instead of thinking what I don't have and should have, we're noticing what we do have. So as a result, we're not striving for something else. We're being with whatever is already here. And when we're grateful, we're connected, because we're usually grateful toward somebody or for something. It could be grateful to my parents for the care. I got grateful to my partner for being loving. Grateful for the fact that my body is still working. What a miracle that is. Grateful to have enough to eat. Whatever it is, in the moment of gratitude, we feel connected to something larger. So, that winds up being helpful to us. So, it simultaneously noticing the addictions and noticing what doesn't work, and then turning our attention toward these other things that are more reliable sources of wellbeing. There are others in the book as well. But those are some of the greatest hits, I'd say. [00:22:56] PF: That is fantastic. You have given us a tremendous gift with this book, because there are so many wonderful practices, there's exercises that people can do, and you really walked us through this entire process, and I think it's something people can use over and over. Because after one read, it's not going to all go away and I think it's a constant journey for us, and this is such a wonderful guide book to help us on that journey. [00:23:21] RS: Yeah. I hope it's of use to people because I've certainly seen the unnecessary suffering that being caught in this has caused me personally, has caused the people I've worked with. It seems to account for a lot of what goes wrong in the world, so much of what goes wrong in the world is at least partly fueled by these desperate attempts to feel good about ourselves, sometimes by being above someone else. It's important for our personal wellbeing, it's important so that we can get along together in this planet. [00:23:51] PF: Wonderful words. Ron, thank you again, for taking the time. Again, you have so much to teach us. We've gotten just a little taste of it here. We're going to tell our listeners how they can find your book and how they can find more of the work that you've done. But again, thank you for sitting down and for everything that you're contributing. [00:24:08] RS: Great. Thank you for what you're doing and thank you so much for inviting me. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:24:15] PF: That was Dr. Ronald Siegel, author of The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary: Finding Happiness Right Where You Are. If you'd like to learn more about Dr. Siegel and his research, download a free chapter of his latest book, or follow him on social media. Visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Right now, we're all going back to school, so why not make sure you have some cool Live Happy gear to start the year. Right now, we're offering 20% off our back to school merch when you use the code Happy Learning at the Live Happy Store. Whether you want to stock up on are adorable mop-top pens, our super popular positive sticky notes, or grab a gratitude journal to start every day with a positive thought, you can find it all 20% off. Just visit our store at livehappy.com, and remember to use the code Happy Learning. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]