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The Dynamic Communicator

The ability to communicate effectively and thoughtfully empowers each of us with skills for greater happiness and success. While communication can be learned and refined over time, it is important to remember that we have been picking up communication experience from the beginning of our lives, when we moved around and kicked in the womb—as if to announce, “I’m here!” Born to communicate Ask any woman who has ever been pregnant, and she will immediately recall her delight at the sensation of receiving that first message from her unborn child. When we are born, we cry. Our first verbal communication with the world says, “It’s cold, and the lights are too bright!” From our first breath, we are trying to communicate: I am here. I exist. These are the same fundamental desires we all carry with us throughout our entire lifetimes. As we grow, our caregivers help us refine the way we ask for things, and hopefully, teach us how to communicate clearly, speak and listen effectively, and learn to balance the needs and wants of ourselves with the needs and wants of others. Going from so-so to dynamic While trying to learn effective skills to communicate, we succeed and stumble along the way. As kids, we demand and react. As teenagers, we push boundaries and act out, and higher thinking and advanced communication skills come into play as we learn to negotiate with our parents and teachers. Over time, our communication style becomes influenced by our friends, bosses, intimate relationships and co-workers. As an adult, you have probably settled on a communication style you are comfortable with. Now, I want to encourage even more growth and suggest that you go from good to great—from being a reasonably effective communicator to a dynamic communicator! (Take this quiz to find out what kind of communicator you are.) Dynamic communication is an ever-evolving art and is the ability to consciously interact and react thoughtfully. Once you get past the baseline of basic talking, everything else can be learned, practiced and improved throughout your life. If you practice these skills enough, they will become part of who you are. Dynamic communicators are more thoughtful; they have very little conflict in their lives, and they get more of what they want out of every situation and relationship because they’ve mastered how to get it! Now, doesn’t that sound appealing? The skills you need: • Recognize that how you communicate sets the tone for how the world sees you and treats you. • Learn to respond consciously. Think before you react. • Listen to your grown-up voice, logic and rationale and refuse to allow your past history to influence your present behavior. • Keep yourself—and others—in check. Apologize, walk away and take the higher road for good. • Don’t bring up 20 things that happened in the past—with anyone. Focus on the here and now, and move forward. • Care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being right. Gifts of the dynamic communicator Life, unfortunately, is full of intense, high-drama situations where even the best communicators are put to the test—not to mention the small day-to-day annoyances such as rude waiters, indifferent salespeople and sarcastic co-workers. As dynamic communicators, we must be alert to the red flags in ourselves and others that might lead us down the road to a bad experience. What I’ve noticed in years of counseling clients is that a common hindrance to dynamic interaction is the need to be right. You have to care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being heard, being louder, winning, getting the last word or being right. A dynamic communicator lets go of the need to win. The real winning comes from a successful relationship, not scoring points. You want to win the war, not fight endless battles. Ultimately, dynamic interaction leaves both people walking away feeling satisfied or happy. One or both may have compromised during the process, but neither is walking away upset, hurt or feeling that he got short shrift. A dynamic communicator knows when the time has come for that long overdue talk or when to walk away and cut communications altogether or which tool to employ along the way so it doesn’t come to either of those extremes. If you don’t know which tool to use, you can certainly say, “I need to think about this.” Then talk to friends, reflect, get advice and then get back to the person you want to speak with. Better communication means closer relationships In the end, when you have worked on becoming a dynamic communicator, learning to interact thoughtfully and effectively with others, you will find that the road to happiness is smoother and easier to find. And, as an added bonus,you’ll have relationships and dialogues that are deeper, more meaningful and significantly more satisfying.

Bank of America embraces the social benefits of mentoring

work

Nurturing the Future

In 2011, Michelle Obama called on private-sector businesses to support mentoring programs as a way to help curb the nation’s dropout rate through the launch of the Corporate Mentoring Challenge. Bank of America (BofA) answered the first lady’s call, and three years later in January, the National Mentoring Conference recognized the company for having the highest volume of employees participating in some form of mentoring. In one year, BofA had more than 25,000 volunteers with 210,000 hours of service. To date, it has given more than $22 million in grants to mentoring and education programs and matched 100,000 young people with mentors. Partnering with other companies and foundations “[BofA’s] mentoring efforts are part of our broader work to connect young people to the skills needed for long-term success,” says Kerry Sullivan, president of the Bank of America Charitable Foundation. “We're preparing youth for 21st-century jobs, and sometimes these might be at our company, but not necessarily—it's about the bigger picture of investing in their employability.” Through partnerships with organizations like the YMCA; the Bridging the Gap program, which helps Hispanic part-time employees transition to full-time employment; and the Cherie Blair Foundation’s Mentoring Women in Business Programme, matching women in developing countries with mentors, the company has made it clear that it believes mentoring is important for business, as well as the communities it serves. The benefits run both ways Mentoring is a mutually beneficial relationship for both the mentor and mentee, offering mentees access to a trusted adviser and mentors experiences that can help them in their own careers. Businesses likes BofA see a return on their mentoring investment in the form of increased morale, productivity and employee retention. “When people commit to taking time to help pull someone else up the ladder, or reach their goals, or overcome an obstacle, they are developing their leadership, communication, teamwork and management skills,” Kerry says. “These skills can translate into enhanced skill sets in the workplace, and increasingly, we're seeing volunteer opportunities as important ways to build the skills of current and future employees.” Investing in the future The sense of accomplishment, the good feelings we receive from giving and developing meaningful relationships all contribute to our overall wellbeing. The promise of a great future is not always guaranteed, especially for young people who don’t have access to positive role models. But when we get to know each other, when we understand each other, when we are empathic and more willing to help people help themselves, we can create a ripple effect, helping make the world a happier place. “Mentoring is more than an investment in someone else's success—it's an opportunity to create connections, expand perspectives and find common ground, no matter how different the mentee and mentor are,” Kerry says. “It also strengthens relationships by breaking down barriers, encouraging mutually beneficial and productive conversations—sometimes tough conversations—and allows people to participate in their community, be it a workplace or the community at large.”

relationships

Family Strong

There’s good news about families. Regardless of life’s inevitable challenges, families remain strong, resilient and lasting when attainable characteristics, practices and priorities are in place. These common strengths of thriving families can be found in a wide variety of family make-ups and circumstances. They’re not tied to family structure, nor are they guaranteed by wealth. They are a result of getting the basics right.Any family can have any strength or combination of strengths. The presence of a single strength can help a family stay or become strong. The basic strengths of strong families, according to research, include characteristics like the ability to adapt to change, having clear roles for family members and maintaining overall physical, mental and economic health. Practices like spending family time together, communicating with and being committed to each other, and establishing accountability and mutual respect are considered key strengths. Also on the list are priorities like having community ties, spirituality, cultural traditions and an extended sense of family.The most recent and broadest research is the American FamilyAssets Study by Minneapolis’ SearchInstitute, a nonprofit dedicated to discovering what kids need to succeed. The Search Institute has spent the last 50 years looking into the strengths in young people’s lives, and the last 25 focused on developing assets they need to grow up successfully. Their study, published in 2012, was based on the results of a 2011 Harris Interactive survey, which polled a diverse cross-section of more than 1,500 families. “A big part of our research is understanding the power of focusing on strengths ... of counterbalancing the negative messages about kids and families that are out there,” says Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., the institute’s vice president of research and development. “We know that family is important, and yet it’s sometimes hard to be tangible about what that means.”Eugene and his team had a sensethat what was happening in familiesand what those families shared ascommon strengths were part of whatthey needed to tap into to help buildstronger families. In the end they identified 21 tangible things families can do to bestronger units. These family strengths, or“assets,” as the institute refers tothem, center around five commonqualities or actions:1. Nurturing RelationshipsAre family members respectfully listening to each other? Showing each other affection? Encouraging each other? Asking about each other’s highs and lows of the day is a great way to keep in emotional touch. “Relationships shape us so much, as do the quality of the relations with each other,” Eugene says. “The way we get along shapes family life. It matters. It’s what gets us throughchallenging times.”There are high societal expectationsof closeness. There is no other group ofpeople we spend more time with. There is no relationship like the parent-child relationship. And there are no other relationships where those involved have such a great stake in each other’s lives. We are responsible for each other. Sometimes grandparents are part of that immediate family. Sometimes friends are.2. Establishing RoutinesAre you eating dinner together? Hanging out together by planning regular game or movie nights? Creating meaningful traditions, like half-birthday celebrations or doing fondue as the first meal of the new school year? Can you depend on each other? Do you have a family calendar everyone has access to?Kathleen Fischer, a Dallas-based family and parenting coach and author, uses the 21 Family Assets often when working with families and refers to family dinnertime as a secret weapon.“When parents say, ‘How am I going to connect with my kids?’ I ask how many times they eat dinner as a family. This is your best tool, your most consistent, easiest way to broach tough subjects, to check in, to get a barometer ;on how they’re doing in the day.”3. Maintaining ExpectationsAre the rules fair? The boundaries well-defined? Can you discuss the tough topics? Is everyone contributing? “As your kid is moving toward being in charge of his own life, the amount he’s contributing back to the family is important,” Kathleen says. “I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about, ‘Would you pick up a gallon of milk?’ ‘Would you take Jonathan to soccer practice?’ If my kid is on the East Coast in college and Grandpa is getting over pneumonia, can he take the train down to Philly and check on him? Not only is it a relief to Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, but it also says to the kid, ‘You have a real role to play as you begin to contribute back to the family in adult ways.’ ”4. Adapting to ChallengesIs everyone doing what needs to be done at home, work and school? Do family duties need to adjust while Mom is out of town or your 16-year-old studies forfinals or a state debate competition?Does the family adapt well when faced with changes? Do you work together to solve problems? Is everyone’s voice heard? Even Eugene, who has been a parent for decades and has one senior in high school and a recent college graduate, learned something along the way. He was surprised at how important adaptability was to those interviewed forthe study.&“It’s easy to forget how important itis to adjust when things come up,” he says. “When we talked with families in the study, we weren’t originally thinking about this. We were thinking ;communications and routines, but people kept bringing this up, that they’d been through some tough stuff. To me, that was one of the pieces that stoodout. It’s actually something we cancelebrate, that we can use to get throughthe tough times.”5. Connecting to CommunitiesDo family members have relationshipswith others in the community, with coaches, teachers and other adults? Are neighbors looking out for each other? Do you feel a part of your community and are family members active in it and giving back to it? Are there nearby places each member of your family feels at home, like a neighborhood coffee shop, church or a friend’s house?Isolated families are not healthy families, Eugene says. “The best families are not cocoons against theworld, but families that are connectedand engaged in the world. Different people bring fresh perspectives, new ideas. When there’s a disaster, it’s theneighbors who help you through it.When a family becomes too isolated from activities and broader connections, it’s not good for them.”The study found that the more assetsa family has, the stronger parents and children will be. Broadly, kids from such families are more engaged in school, take better care of themselves and stand up when they see someone treated unfairly. Parents of these families also are more likely to watch their health and be active in their communities.“Across virtually every cross section of family, the vast majority want to do right by their kids,” Eugene says. “They want to be a good family even if they have had some tough knocks in life. How do we help them do that? One of the ways is to begin articulating key pieces of what that means, things they can actually do. We wanted to make the intangible tangible.”Strengths Trump Structure and DemographicsPeople sometimes equate a “good family” with a particular type of family—and that family usually looks like the person imagining the perfect family. The image of a strong family then becomes based on who is in the family, who isn’t in the family, as well as our own individual values.“That doesn’t capture enough about what a family is,” Eugene says. “You can have a traditional two-parent, two-kids-and-a-dog fabulous family. But you can also have a family that’s abusive and dysfunctional that looks just like that.” Regardless of the structure, “What are the processes and relationships going on with the family?” is whatis more important to ask, he says.“What happens when we pay attention to those?”The American Family Assets Studyshows those processes and relationships matter far more when you’re looking at outcomes than demographics do. Statistically controlling for family size, composition and neighborhood, demographics may account for 5 to 10 percent of the outcome difference among families (how happy and successful their children end up). The 21 Family Assets account for a 30 to 35 percent difference.“Family isn’t isolated, but has a unique role,” Eugene says. “You’ve been with them from early childhood, all the way through. And you have this deep bond and attachment. That’s just different than any other relationship.”Past Flaws in ThinkingSociety—and therefore, research—is generally problem-focused, says J._Douglas Coatsworth, Ph.D., professor of human development and family studies at Pennsylvania State University and a consultant on the Family Assets study. Earlier research and advicestemmed from clinical models workingwith children who were alreadyin trouble.“It’s easier for us to categorize andclassify along certain dimensions,”the professor says. “It’s much easierfor us to say, ‘This is a single-parentfamily,’ than to say, ‘This is a familythat provides love and nurturing, goodguidance, fair discipline and openconversation.’ The attributes of strongfamilies are harder to describe.”As Doug instructs his students toobserve in everyday situations, specificrelationships—mother and son, brotherand brother, sister and mother, father and son, sister to brother—seem totake precedence to the family as anentire unit.“It’s hard to conceptualize and talkabout the family as a whole thing,” hesays. “Families are really complex. It’sreally hard to measure how the family as a whole is functioning. It’s mucheasier to emphasize parenting.”The assets study is one of only a fewstudies since at least the ’70s, Eugenesays, that has tried to quantitativelylook at family strengths. It seems inmore recent years, we’ve gotten toocaught up in the techniques of parenting.But a positive spin on the family andchildren in the past decade has startedto cast a different lens on the family:“We started asking ourselves, ‘What is itthat families were doing that made themfunction well and helped parents raisehappier, healthier kids?’ ”The Search Institute researchuniquely includes the important rolechildren play in the strength of a family,a change Doug has seen in the researchcommunity in the last 15 or so years: “Some of the positives of the Family Assets have to do with what the youth contributes to the family. They have an important role and contribution. Recognizing that within a family is very important.”

Positive Psychology

The New Definition of Happiness

If you want to live happy, you first need to define happiness. Over the past few years, we have traveled to more than 50 countries researching and speaking on positive psychology, and after spending time with farmers who lost their lands in Zimbabwe, Swiss bankers in the middle of a banking crisis, owners of NBA teams and schoolchildren in South Africa, we observed that every culture and individual has a different conception of happiness. So how can we study something when we cannot agree on a definition of it? How do you define happiness? First, let’s recognize that there are enormous differences in what causes happiness and unhappiness among individuals. While hours of watching Desperate Housewives might be a guilty pleasure for some, for others, it’s their version of hell. The same goes for pets, chocolate (heaven forbid!), football and touch. Some cannot be “happy” if their stock price is down, while others cannot be “happy” knowing that companies are making profits while underpaying their employees. A big, juicy hamburger might make a Happy Meal for some Americans, but is a sacrilege to many in India. Even smiling at the wrong time in certain East Asian cultures can create unhappiness instead of spreading more positivity. Our own triggers of happiness are as varied as our fingerprints. However, while the triggers of short-term happiness are different, what sustains long-term happiness, we would argue, is universal across all cultures. There are four main qualities that sustain happiness: 1) optimism (believing that our behavior will eventually matter) 2) social connection (the breadth and depth of our relationships) 3) the way we perceive stresses (as challenges instead of threats) 4) meaning (the connection between our actions and our values) In order to sustain happiness, we need to redefine it for the world. We need to differentiate pleasure from happiness. In The Happiness Advantage, we use the ancient Greeks’ definition of happiness: “the joy you feel striving toward your potential.” Happiness in this definition cannot be stripped from meaning and from growth. This definition changed the way we pursued happiness and is linked to all four of the sustainers of happiness. Joy is something we can experience in the ups and downs of life, even when things are not pleasurable. A long run can be tiring and painful, but you can feel joy and happiness as you use the body you’ve been given to explore your potential. Childbirth is one of the most painful things humans can endure, but, as our baby doctor told us, there is a difference between pathological pain, like breaking your arm, and meaningful pain. There is a joy throughout pregnancy, childbirth and parenting that, while not always pleasurable, is linked to us achieving our potential as parents, lovers and contributors to this world. We feel happiest when we feel we are growing in our relationships or our ability to change the world for the positive (optimism) or when we see life as a challenge instead of a threat. This definition also solves the problem that we have with studies that have shown that people who have children are less “happy.” Happiness versus pleasure We got married last year, and as we thought about having children, we reflected on these studies that have scared many people away from parenting. As we looked deeper, we realized the questions they asked the participants were about pleasure, stress levels and workloads, not about happiness. We must not confuse having work, stress and challenge as the opposite of happiness. In fact, happiness requires all of those because those are necessary to achieve our potential. It’s time to move away from defining happiness as simply pleasure, and know, like the ancient Greeks, that it’s so much deeper: It’s the joy we feel when we’re striving toward our potential. So, go out into the world and continue this conversation about redefining happiness with your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors—anyone who will talk to you. Together, we can lead a movement to change how our schools, our companies, our government and our families define what being happy truly means.

News & Trends

The Universal Language of Happiness

Live Happy was right at home at the U.N.’s second annual International Day of Happiness panel discussions on Thursday, March 20, held at the international headquarters in New York City.The day, designated by the U.N. in 2012 to recognize “the relevance of happiness and wellbeing as universal goals and aspirations in the lives of human beings around the world and the importance of their recognition in public policy,” brought together scientists, educators, historians, ambassadors, entrepreneurs and others to discuss the topic of global happiness. Many of the speakers were thought leaders whose research, ideas and ideals Live Happy calls upon to “provide the bridge between science and statistics and real life,” said Editor in Chief Karol DeWulf Nickell at the event’s luncheon. “We all have our own happiness stories.”Many of the day’s speakers certainly had tales to tell. Former Iraq Ambassador Dr. Hamid Al Bayati shared his moving realization that although he was wrongfully imprisoned some years ago, he could find happiness in knowing he was a better person than those who had tortured him. On a lighter note, NBC news anchor Pat Battle confessed as she took the microphone that she had a run her stocking, but was choosing to be happy because she knew there were plenty of drugstores where she could buy new ones when she got back to her office at 30 Rock.These stories represent the kind of emotional generosity that Live Happy hopes to encourage. “Most people aren’t aware of all the happiness that’s available to them,” Live Happy Founder Jeff Olson told the audience. “They don’t realize that it isn’t money or fame or relationships that will bring them happiness—but that happiness is the precursor to those things.”Jeff said he realized that through the magazine and social media, he could create an environment for sharing happiness that would bring people together who never would have connected otherwise.“Social media is being used to show that we can share our stories more frequently and with people we normally wouldn’t—it removes traditional barriers,” Karol said. “By posting your story of happiness, it multiplies, all because of technology.”That philosophy melds perfectly with the sage advice with which Kamila Jacob, envoy coordinator for the Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, ended her own talk: “Take two minutes to sit and ask yourself: ‘What makes me feel happy?’ Then share that thought with someone else—spread your happiness! Pay it forward!”

relationships

7 Keys to a Healthy Argument

Healthy relationships are a vital part of wellbeing. Without meaningful connections with others, we’re far more likely to be unhappy and unhealthy. While all relationships suffer less-than-perfect moments and disagreements, it’s how we deal with these situations that determines whether our relationships grow stronger or weaker. Here are seven tips to having a healthy argument with a partner, or anyone else in your life.1. Respectfully engageIf the argument appears seemingly out of nowhere, try to de-escalate the situation, and find a moment to collect your thoughts. Changing your physical state – for example by taking deep breaths or going for a short walk – can help you to relax before re-engaging in the discussion. Ideally, make the other person feel valued by making yourself available to talk at a pre-planned time they’ve selected. Remove distractions and give your partner your full attention. Turn your cell phone to vibrate. At the beginning and at the end of your conversation, thank him or her for listening to you, and sharing their own thoughts and feelings. Convey presence and interest through paraphrasing what they’ve said, clarifying, and asking for feedback.2. Begin with the end in mindVisualize in advance the positive outcome you desire, and give words to it. Do you and your partner have shared goals you can leverage to frame the discussion? For example, if you disagree about household chores, perhaps your shared value of a peaceful home can anchor your discussion. Claim your piece of the disagreement, creating joint ownership of the issue at hand, and the envisioned solution. Get your partner’s support and buy-in by verbally “contracting” or agreeing to rewards for co-creating your positive outcome. For example, “If we can generate a chores list we both feel good about, we get to finally crack open that expensive champagne we’ve been saving.”3. Ask positive questionsUsing prompts like, "How might we ____?" frames the conflict as resolvable, and becomes a jumping-off point for new possibilities. Founder of the change movement Appreciative Inquiry, David Cooperrider has said that “human systems move in the direction of their persistent inquiry.” In other words, by asking positive questions – ones designed to generate a constructive response - you’re assuming the best of the situation, and that a satisfactory outcome can be achieved. In essence, you're changing the context of the discussion through language.4. Sync upYou're on the same team, so your goal should be empathy, not persuasiveness or sympathy, which can surprisingly underscore the divide between you. Imitation and mimicry facilitate empathy, so if it feels comfortable, try mirroring the other person in small ways. Uncross your arms, lean in slightly, and look your partner in the eyes. When you are expressing genuine interest, you will naturally do this, but it doesn't hurt to practice. (In happy moments, this can even result in synchronized rhythms between the neurons in your and your partner’s brains.)5. Spot the strengthsThe more you can generate those positive emotional states, the more your communication will benefit. Neuroscience shows that positivity-infused communication can increase understanding, empathy, and even help people anticipate what others will say—all helpful ingredients during an argument. Developing a lens of character strengths (such as gratitude, optimism, justice, and self-regulation), prepares you to perceive and engage with your partner in a more positive way. This online assessment can help you and your partner to better understand each other’s natural areas of excellence and adopt a “lens of strengths.”6. Describe, don't evaluateDescribe the object of your argument in objective language, trying your best not to ascribe judgment. Doing so minimizes defensiveness in your partner and provides them with helpful information. Say what happened, not why you think it happened or what you think it means. Describe the behavior or event, and its outcomes or reactions to it. (For example, "You didn't call to say you were coming home late, and I felt sad", not, "You don't care that I'm always home by myself.") When giving specific feedback, focus on the person's effort and strategies, not the person's qualities (or lack of character strengths!). This encourages continued effort and creative problem-solving by your partner.7. Capitalize on the positiveThe best way to settle arguments is to prevent them from happening. Psychology research shows that people who perceive their partners to be active and constructive responders to good events report fewer daily conflicts, engage in more fun and relaxing activities, and report more trust and intimacy. Instead of using a passive constructive response ("That's great. What's for dinner?"), really engaging the person in a way that allows them to relive the positive experience is the key ("Tell me exactly what your boss said when you got the promotion. How did you feel?") Believe it or not, the way our loved ones respond to good news (whether or not they "capitalize") is more important to the health of our relationship than how they respond to bad news. Capitalizing leads to increases in positive emotion, and more intimate, positive and trusting relationships.Struggle and conflict are a necessary part of relationships and simply a fact of life. But by adjusting the way we communicate, both verbally and physically, and the way we approach a disagreement, we can minimize the destructive potential of these interactions. We build our deepest connections with our partners and others not by seeking to conquer, but by bringing out the best in one another.

relationships

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relationships

The World’s Happiest Country Is Stressed Out

While as a nation, Australia rates as one of the happiest in the world, that doesn’t provide much solace to the growing number of employees – now almost 50 percent – who say that problems at work are asignificant source of stress. So, as we approach the United Nations International Day of Happiness on March 20, what can we do in the workplace to raise Australia’s input towardglobal wellbeing? Two factors consistently appear in multiple reviews of the Australian workforce: Only half of Australian employees report that their employer values their contribution and cares about their wellbeing. And less than half of working Australians say that they regularly receive relevant feedback and recognition for their work. In other words they’d like to feel cared about as a people and genuinely appreciated for their efforts. According to a report by Ernst & Young, manyAustralian workers estimate that simple changes by management to improve wellbeing, engagement, recognition and reward could help increase productivity by up to 21 percent. If realized, some economists believe this could help Australia deliver up to$305 billion in increased productivity,revenue that is essential to maintaining the standard of living—and happiness—among Australia’s aging population. Given all they have to gain, why aren’t Australian leaders making these changes? In Australia, a whopping 83 percent of Australian employees rated their middle managers’skills as average or below. Perhaps for this year’s International Day of Happiness, every business leader should take a few minutes to practice one act of positive leadership. Here are five tested, simple ways any leader can get started: Be aware of what you’re nurturing and spreading at the office Productivity can be greatly affected by the mood of employees, and the number one of predictor of their mood is their leader. So if you are a manager and you want to help people perform at their best, be sure you’re giving the right balance of positive to negative feedback and promoting wellbeing in the office. Take the free survey here at www.positivityratio.com to see how you rate. Focus your energy on strengths Research has found that giving people the chance to do what they do best each day improves engagement, productivity and customer satisfaction. Yet only about 20% of employees say they have a chance to use their strengths each day at work. Discover your team’s strengths by taking the survey at www.viame.org. Invest in relationships We have a biological need for social support, and research has found that positive interactions with other people can lower stress levels and raise wellbeing at the office. It only takes a moment to genuinely connect with someone, and elevate both of your moods in the process. Be clear on your purpose When it comes to long-term sustainable innovation, culture maintenance and performance in organizations, studies suggest few other avenues offer better results than creating a sense of meaning for people in their work. So, as a manager, how would you finish this sentence: everything I do is to ___________, so that _________. And would others want to follow you there? Celebrate the right kinds of accomplishment More important than simply believing in your abilities is believing that you can improve upon them. While most organizations are almost purely focused on outcomes, it’s focusing on effort that encourages growth mindsets where people are willing to embrace learning and the constant development towards mastery to produce superior performances. So don’t just say “well done” and expect your employees to flourish, spend a few more minutes and be specific about the effort you saw them making, why you valued it and how they can continue to improve on it. You’ll be surprised at the results. A growing body of research shows us thatthese acts of positive leadership bring out the best in managers, their teams and their organizations. So what are you doing to improve wellbeing and appreciation in your organization? For more on how to be a Positive Leader sign up for theInternational Day of Happiness Virtual Conference whichtakes place on March 20, 2014.

Self-Care

What’s Your Communication Style?

How the world perceives us and the way we come across to others is so important, that in my book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, I put my thoughts about effective communication right up front in Chapter One. In this quiz we’ll assess your communication style and pinpoint any problem areas that may be hindering you.This quiz breaks our communication styles down into three categories.Choose option A, B, or C for the questions below; answer the answer that best fits how you might respond in the particular scenario.1. When I am involved in a disagreement with someone important to me:A. It's easier to walk awayor back down immediately to avoid conflict.B. I will engage in the discussion no matter how heated it becomes until I’m sure I’ve gotten my point across.It's important that my voice be heard.C. The relationship is more important than the outcome of this argument, so I respond based on wanting to stay connected, despite our disagreements.2.When I feel my needs are not being met in a relationship:A. I rarely ask directly for what I want. I hope they the other person will figure it out on their own and do it for me.B. I tend to be demanding. If I don't put it out there, I know I won't get it.C. I find a way to discuss it or ask for it that provides the least conflict but gives me the best chance of getting what I want.3.When it comes to having a heart-to-heart with someone I care about:A. I don't have heart-to-heart conversations. I just let the relationship play out and adjust to whatever the other person says and does.B. I often become angry and accusatory during serious discussions. It's hard for me to stay calm when I discuss important matters.C. I express what I am trying to say calmly and give the other person a chance to express themselves. I want things to remain peaceful.4.When it comes to expressing myself at work:A. Typically, I can’t articulate my long-term goals, and find it difficult to approach those in a position to help me. I keep my head down and do what’s asked of me.B. I know exactly what I want and need, and am very vocal in expressing it to my superiors. I will achieve my professional goals at any cost.C. I take time to consider the best person to approach forwhat I want to take away from our conversation. I have a definite plan is in place before I communicate.5.In a high-stress situationlike a job interview:A. I get so panicked thinking about all the possible negative outcomes that I am unprepared for the actual discussion and often feel I left much unsaid.B. I am demanding and to the point. I have been told that my style could be considered aggressive or abrasive, but I look at it as getting what I need.C. I carefully prepare the points I want to make, the questions I have, and chose a good time for a calm discussion.6.My style of talking could best be described as:A. Quiet, self-deprecating, and quick to agree and placate. I will always give in to get along.B. Loud and boisterous. I generally set the agenda or plans and others follow.C. I shift styles based on where I am and which friend or business associate I’m dealing with. I go with what feels right in the moment.7. At social gatherings like parties or events:A. I prefer not to attend events full of strangers. But if I do go, I prefer to blend in. I often sit in a corner and keep a low profile.B. I am often described as the life of the party. I generate most of the conversation, and feel a sense of obligation to keep things moving along – sometimes inappropriately (excess drinking, gossiping, etc.).C. I can function well in large parties of mostly strangers, and am completely comfortable in familiar settings with friends.8. When I am with others and not feeling well or in a good mood:A. I hide it all costs and try to stay quiet and hope no one notices. “I’m fine,” is my mantra.B. I tell everyone. There’s no hiding it, so I’m not shy about telling everyone why I’m so miserable. Maybe they can help, and at least they’ll listen.C. I am open about what is going on in my life if I feel the time is right to confide, but not if it will adversely impact the mood or flow.9. When I am involved in a negative interaction:A. I withdraw from the situation. I get quiet and retreat into myself.B. I get frustrated and have a hard time shaking it off. It impacts my mood for some time.C. I adjust to the situation and move on as quickly as possible in order to make the best of an uncomfortable experience.10. When I am in line in a crowded retail store and someonecuts in front of me in line:A. I say nothing.B. I loudly let her know that she has cut in line, and tell her to goto the end.C. I tap her politely on the shoulder and casually let her know that she may not have realized it but she has cut in front of me.If you answered:Mostly A’s, you are a Passive Communicator.Passive communicators tend to be fearful and avoid confrontation at all costs. It might be that you feel that you are not entitled or worthy enough to ask for or receive what you want, or perhaps you are willing to sacrifice your own wishes in exchange for avoiding conflict or confrontation. This style of communication might ultimately lead to feelings of anxiety, anger, depression and helplessness,which can certainly impact your ability to be personally happy and professionally successful.Mostly B’s, you are an Aggressive Communicator. Aggressive communicators tend to be confrontational and angry. Your (very) direct way of expressing your feelings and communicating can leave others feeling unheard, insignificant and even violated. This style of communication may ultimately lead to feelings of isolation, powerlessness and agitation, which can ultimately alienate you from getting what you want from others.Mostly C’s, congratulations, you are a Dynamic Communicator—the most effective kind of communicator. A dynamic communicator always wants both sides to walk away feeling somewhat satisfied; they are so successful in their skills that they can easily impact others with their words and style. Translation: Dynamic Communicators get more of what they want more often, with less conflict. A dynamic communicator lets go of the need to win and instead knows that the real winning comes when communication is effective and relationships are solid.

Self-Care

Connection, Compassion and Even Love at Work

Spreading a little warmth and connection to others at the office could actually improve productivity, not to mention happiness.I’m not talking about a torrid interoffice romance, but the kind of “companionate love” that comfortably expresses caring, affection and compassion for your colleagues. If the very idea makes your toes curl with embarrassment or dread, it’s worth reconsidering how you’re approaching others in your workplace.Studies have found that, even morethan what you do at work, it’s who you do it with that leads to higher levels of engagement. In fact, your relationships with other people are the best guarantee of lowering stress and raising your wellbeing around the office.Why do other people matter so much?The truth is you’re hardwired with a biological need for social support. Every time you get to genuinely connect with another person, the pleasure-inducing hormone oxytocin is released into your bloodstream, helping to reduce anxiety and improving your concentration and focus.Studies suggest each positive interaction you have during your workday bolsters your cardiovascular, neuro-endocrine and immune systems, so the more connections you make over time, the better you function in and out of the office.But just how much love is required?The good news for HR departments everywhere, is it seems even brief, non-physical encounters which fuel openness, energy and authenticity with your colleagues can infuse you with a greater sense of vitality and a greater capacity to act.New research suggests it’s the small moments between coworkers—a warm smile, a kind note, a sympathetic ear —day after day, month after month, that help create and maintain a strong culture of compassion and mutual regard, withemployee happiness, increased productivity, and client satisfaction as a esult.So, what can you do to connect better with others at work?Professor Barbara Fredrickson, from the University of North Carolina, has discovered it takes just a micro-moment of connection to create an upward spiral of mutual care and companionate love between colleagues. Her research suggests three simple steps.First, the sharing of a positive emotion, like interest, joy, amusement, awe or pride.Secondly, synchronizing your biochemistry and behaviors through making shared eye contact with the person or matching your body gestures or vocal tone to create a moment of positivity resonance causing both brains to light up like a mirror of each other.And finally, a reflective motive to invest in each other’s wellbeing that brings about mutual care.Simple ways I’ve found to create a micro-moment of connection include:Asking appreciative questionslike, ‘What’s going well today?’Performing acts of kindness – it seems this work best if you perform at least five kind acts on one day.Spotting strengths in others – showing up to your interactions with others intentionally looking for the best in them.Expressing gratitude – giving effort-based praise rather than just focusing on the outcomes people are achieving.With the research predicting positive social connections make you want to learn more, motivate your more than money or power and improve your effectiveness and performance at work, investing in a few more moments of love in your day might be just what gets you promoted.So who will you start with?

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