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Should We Aim To Be Perfectly Happy?

If you were to score yourself on a scale of zero to 10, how happy were you yesterday? And how happy are you today with your life? Over the last decade, researchers, workplaces and governments have begun repeatedly measuring our levels of happiness. Why? As we have documented in Live Happy over the past two-and-a-half years, a growing body of research suggests happy people are more successful in marriages, friendships, earning money, work performance and physical health. So surely the higher our happiness scores, the more success we’ll all have. Right? Well perhaps. A more nuanced look at happiness “In our achievement-oriented culture, we often expect to see scores go up,” explains Dr. Peggy Kern from The University of Melbourne, and one of the world’s leading researchers on well-being and its impact. “But I think being 10 out of 10 on a happiness or well-being measure is probably maladaptive. It’s good to have a high level of happiness and to maintain that over time, but it’s also important to be aware that we can have too much of a good thing. And depending on what’s going on in your life, being happy is not always appropriate” For example, researchers have found that while many of us may believe reducing our level of stress is key to improving our happiness, the Gallup World Happiness Report has found that countries with high stress also score high on happiness and well-being. Despite the common perception, stress is not necessarily a bad thing. Happy lives are not stress-free, nor does a stress-free life guarantee happiness. The right kind of stress Health psychologist Kelly McGonigal in her best-selling book The Upside of Stress explains: “The Gallup Poll found that raising a child under 18 significantly increases the chance that you will experience a great deal of stress every day—and that you will smile and laugh a lot each day. Entrepreneurs who say that they experienced a great deal of stress yesterday are also more likely to say that they learned something interesting that day. Rather than being a sign that something is wrong with your life, feeling stressed can be a barometer for how engaged you are in activities and relationships that are personally meaningful.” As psychologists Richard Ryan, Veronika Hutaand Edward Deci write in a chapter of The Exploration of Happiness, “The more directly one aims to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning and community.” The many facets of happiness “Happiness comprises multiple elements, such as positive emotions, engagement in life, relationships, a sense of meaning and accomplishment and good physical health,” explains Peggy. “By regularly measuring how we are doing in different areas, we can start to understand what happiness means to us personally, and how we’re impacted by the actions we choose to take and our life experiences.” “Again the goal is not a perfect score in every domain,” she says. “Instead, it’s about noticing when you are living in a way that is most adaptive for you based on what you value, the situations you find yourself in, the resources you have to draw upon and the results you want to achieve. Then take steps to maintain this consistently, or make adjusts as needed.” How can you broaden your measures of happiness? Here are six evidence-based steps: Track your well-being Take the free PERMAH Workplace Wellbeing Survey developed by Peggy to see how you’re doing, set small goals for improvement and access a database of more than 200 different evidence-based practices to improve your happiness at work. Balance your emotions Researchers have found that both positive and negative emotions have their place when it comes to flourishing. While positive emotions can boost our energy, self-confidence and creativity, negative emotions can trigger our awareness that something important to us is not right. They can be a catalyst for change. Happiness is about having the psychological flexibility to understand when heartfelt positive emotions serve us best, and when we need to practice being comfortably uncomfortable with stress and anxiety. You can track your emotions and reflect on their impact using the free two-minute test at www.positivityratio.com. Develop your strengths Researchers have found using our strengths—those things we’re good at and enjoy doing—can help us feel more confident, engaged and energized about our work. They also caution that focusing only on our strengths can give us a false sense of competence, result in over-used strengths and ignores the power of our weaknesses. Happiness requires being able to find the right strength, in the right amount and for the right outcomes, and being able to tackle our weaknesses head-on when they are important. You can start by discovering your strengths using the free 10-minute survey at www.viacharacter.org. Create authentic connections Considerable scientific evidence suggests other people matter. Practicing gratitude not only improves our relationships, but has also been found to reduce stress and negative emotions, and increase our levels of energy and resilience. Before you leave work each day, take the time to genuinely thank one person for how they made your day a little better. Be specific about what you appreciated and why. Find a healthy sense of meaning Adam Grant, Ph.D., expert in altruism and professor at the Wharton Business School of Business, notes the single strongest predictor of having a sense of meaning and purpose is the belief that what we do has a positive impact on others. Think about how what you do each day can help others—even if it’s just the person sitting next to you. Then take time each week to savor the difference you make. Be aware, however, that when our passion becomes obsession (and you hear yourself saying “I have to” instead of “I want to”), this can undermine happiness in the long term. So try to aim for balance, not obsession. Nurture hope While 89 percent of us believe tomorrow will be better than today, only 50 percent of us believe we can make it so. Researchers suggest this belief is the difference between wishing and hoping. When we hope, we set clear “want-to” goals, pathways to reach them, and we find ways to maintain our willpower. As a result, hope can add about an hour a day in terms of productivity, and it helps to improve our health and well-being. You can map your hopes at work by following these simple steps. So this year on the International Day of Happiness, what steps can you take to improve your happiness? Michelle McQuaid is a best-selling author and coach with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Her work has been featured in Forbes, The Harvard Business Review, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal and many other outlets.

Practice

Happiness Around the Clock

There are 1,440 minutes in a day, and while we can’t expect every moment to be blissful, we each have the means to increase our sense of joy, connection and well-being in our daily lives. Two main strategies will help you achieve this. One, through simple actions you can train your brain to “tilt toward positivity,” says neuroscientist Alex Korb, Ph.D., author of The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time. Two, you can live more harmoniously with your body’s natural rhythms by aligning activities like eating, sleeping and when you turn on and off the lights to your circadian clock. Throughout the day this built-in internal timer regulates everything from body temperature to the release of hunger hormones. Follow these cues and you’ll flourish, disrupt them and you’ll experience an avalanche of disturbances, from insomnia and weight gain to foggy thinking and depression. “Circadian rhythm hygiene is every bit as important to good health as washing your hands,” says Christopher Colwell, Ph.D., director of the Laboratory of Circadian and Sleep Medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles. With expert advice, we’ve put together a template of what these two strategies would look like in an average day. Consider it a tick-tock of contentment. Adjust the timing to your needs but try to follow the general principles for a week or two. You’ll likely find you experience more happy moments each and every day. 6:30 a.m.: Wake up to an alarm clock that mimics the rising sun. A study published in the European Journal of Applied Physiology shows that gradual light exposure during the last 30 minutes of sleep can increase alertness, enhance both mental and physical performance, and improve mood. The Soleil Sleep Spa and the Philips Wake-Up Light both combine dawn simulation with nature sounds like morning birds or ocean waves. 6:45 a.m.: Devote a few minutes before you get out of bed to a mindful check-in. Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., author of MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, suggests asking yourself questions like, “How am I starting this day? How is my body feeling? How am I feeling emotionally?” If you notice you’re tense, Elisha suggests widening your arms to expand your chest, opening your mouth a few times to stretch out the jaw muscles and dropping your shoulders. “You want to begin your day from a place of ease,” Elisha says. 6:50 a.m.: Make Your bed. This simple act creates a small sense of satisfaction and pride that sets a positive tone for the rest of your day. Charles Duhigg, author of the best-selling book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, notes that a daily tidying of the sheets correlates to better productivity and a greater sense of well-being. 7 a.m.: Shower with intention and attention. “Mindful showers have transformed my life,” Elisha says. “I always thought of the morning shower as one of those daily tasks you have to do.” That changed when he bought a bar of rose-scented soap. The fragrance evoked sensory memories of the summers he spent at his grandmother’s house in Burlington, Vermont, and summoned feelings of love, warmth and comfort. Now, Elisha begins his showers by holding the bar of soap, inhaling its scent for a few deep breaths and paying attention to the feeling of the warm water against his skin. “The small splurge on a special soap is a way of taking care of yourself, and that can boost your feelings of self-worth,” he says. 7:30 a.m.: Eat breakfast within the first two hours of waking up. “Delaying any longer than that and you’re skipping a meal, and that depletes your physical and mental energy,” says Lisa Dierks, a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with the Mayo Clinic Healthy Living Program. The ideal breakfast will include a protein, a grain and a fruit or vegetable. For example, plain Greek yogurt topped with berries and low-sugar granola. 8 a.m.: Take your first 10-minute dose of daily exercise. Don’t have time for a lengthy workout every day? No sweat! Shorter bouts of exercise can boost your well-being just as effectively as a single sustained session. Maybe even more. One recent study at the Healthy Lifestyles Research Center at Arizona State University showed that walking briskly for 10 minutes, three times a day, was significantly more effective in lowering blood pressure than a single half-hour session. 8:30 a.m.: Find ease during your morning commute. Whether we battle bumper-to-bumper traffic or crowded subway cars, the commute to work can be stressful. The road to relaxation? Cultivating a sense of community with your fellow commuters. When Elisha finds himself getting tense on the drive to Los Angeles’ Center for Mindful Living, which he co-founded and where he practices as a clinical psychologist, he turns inward rather than venting at the drivers around him. “I ask myself, ‘What am I really needing right now? What are the other drivers around me needing?’ ” The answer often leads him to silently recite, “May we all have more ease and patience in this traffic.” This creates a shift, Elisha says, “that completely transforms my experience. I go from disconnection to connection and the whole frustrated mind seems to dissipate.” 9 a.m.: Center yourself before you transition to a new activity. We often carry around the equivalent of an emotional doggy bag as we move through our day, bringing the stress of a harried morning to an important meeting or the fatigue of a three-hour business meeting to giving our kids a bath. “A lot of time our focus gets stolen,” says Sam Chase, author of Yoga & the Pursuit of Happiness and co-owner of New York’s Yoga to the People studio. To begin a new activity fully present, he suggests slowing down for a moment of transition. “When I’m about to go into a new situation, I’ll pause and take three breaths right at the doorway,” he says. “That helps me let go of what I was doing and open myself up to whatever I’m entering without distraction.” 12:30 p.m.: Choose a true happy meal for lunch. Skip the fast food and opt for a mix of protein, veggies, whole grains and healthy plant-based fats like those found in avocados or olive oil. “I think of food as edible happiness,” says chef and nutritionist Karen Wang Diggs, author of Happy Foods: Over 100 Mood-Boosting Recipes. “On the most fundamental level, food, beyond just sustaining us, has the capacity to nourish us on a deeper level.” When we eat heavily processed meals that are heavy in refined carbs, like white rice or pasta, and sugar, we set in motion a series of physiological responses that lead to the release of stress hormones, mood swings, fatigue, and, as a recent study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed, a higher risk of depression. 1 p.m.: Take your second dose of daily exercise. Want to get even more benefit from your brisk walk? Seek out some greenery—a tree-lined street, a local park, an urban garden amid city skyscrapers. Studies show that a walk in nature reduces activity in the part of the brain associated with rumination, that endless loop of doomsday thinking and self-reproach. Another way to put more bounce in your step is to share your walk with a co-worker or two. Strong relationships with co-workers are one of the most important factors in workplace satisfaction. 3 p.m.: Beat the mid-late afternoon slump with a healthy alternative to a sugary snack. Karen suggests half an avocado with a sprinkling of sea salt and a dash of lemon juice; a slice of turkey or ham wrapped in a romaine lettuce leaf or ½ cup full-fat yogurt with a tablespoon of sunflower seeds. Instead of a cup of coffee—caffeine after 2 p.m. can interfere with sleep—try this energizing alternative: Keep a bottle of an essential oil, like rosemary or peppermint, in your desk drawer or purse. Place three drops in the palm of your hands, rub them together, hold your palms up to your face and inhale deeply for three breaths. 4:30 p.m.: Pause for a moment to consider your personal values. Make a habit of taking a break from meetings and emails for a moment of self-reflection and inspiration. Erica Brown, a Jewish scholar and educator, suggests thinking about a different aspiration or emotion each day. In her new book Take Your Soul to Work: 365 Meditations on Every Day Leadership, she suggests pondering questions like, “What does your authentic self look like when no one is looking?” “When is the last time you shared something of beauty with those who work with you?” and “Name something you love so much that it can never fail you.”6 p.m.: Build a better to-do list. Before you leave your workplace for the day, create a to-do list for tomorrow. Along with jotting down the tasks you need to complete, make sure you’re carving out time in your day for things you love to do. Researcher Lahnna Catalino, Ph.D., of the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine, calls this “prioritizing positivity.” Her research shows that it’s a far more effective tactic for achieving happiness than striving to feel joy, contentment, gratitude or peace every second of the day. Prioritizing positivity means different things to different people, Lahnna says. Two activities that elicit positive emotions in most people are connecting with a loved one and doing something physically active. 7 p.m.: Enjoy dinner with family or friends. Close relationships with other people are a keystone to happiness, and the dinner table is a natural place for connecting. A new study of more than 11,000 adults shows that face-to-face interactions with friends and family members offer powerful protection against depression; contact by phone, text or emails don’t have the same power. Plus, a slew of studies have shown family meals lead to a wide range of benefits, including better grades and fewer incidences of behavior like smoking and drinking in teens. 7:30 p.m.: Close down your kitchen. Scientists are discovering that when you eat is nearly as important as what you eat. “Our bodies are designed to take in calories over 12 hours and fast for 12, says Christopher, the neuroscientist. Research at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in San Diego has shown that disrupting this natural order by, say, snacking at midnight or 2 a.m. leads not only to poor sleep and weight gain but also to the kind of metabolic disorders seen in people with diabetes. Now, a study just completed at Christopher’s lab suggests that mistimed eating can also impair memory and learning. 8 p.m.: Take your final dose of exercise. Go for a post-dinner stroll but avoid intense aerobic exercise. We fall asleep when our core body temperature drops, says Christopher, and when you do a heavy workout you raise the body temperature, thwarting slumber. 9 p.m.: Eliminate sources of blue light two hours before you hit the hay. “Light is a huge anchor for sleep,” says Colleen Ehrnstrom, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with the Department of Veterans Affairs in Denver, and co-author of the upcoming book End the Insomnia Struggle (coming October 2016). Just as the light of dawn awakens us, the dimming of light cues our body to produce melatonin, a hormone that quiets alertness and preps us for slumber. The kind of blue light that’s emitted by our electronics devices is especially disruptive. You can filter out some of the blue light by lowering the brightness of your screen, donning glasses with orange lenses or covering your screens with an orange filter. (You can find a range of products at lowbluelights.com.) 10:30 p.m.: Transition to bedtime with a nightly ritual. “We often think that going to sleep is like shutting off a computer,” Alex says. “You just hit the power button and you shut your brain down. But, in fact, your brain requires a little more time to relax and unwind.” Along with brushing your teeth and cleansing your skin, prime yourself for sleep with simple yoga stretches, prayer or meditation. 11 p.m.: Lights out. Spend your last few minutes of wakefulness noting a few things that you’re grateful for. These can be both big—the good health of your family—and small—the lemons ripening on your windowsill. Keeping a gratitude list will make you more optimistic, healthier and alert. You’ll also be more likely to make progress toward an important personal goal and more likely to help others. Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

work

How to Survive a Workplace Bully

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, many adults spend more time at work than we do with our families. With so many hours spent at work, one would hope the time would be filled with relative peace and happiness—that we would be surrounded by friendly co-workers in a supportive environment, and that productivity and good relationships would be a priority. Sadly, that is not always the case. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, at least 27% of American adults have experienced bullying at some point. Workplace bullies almost never resort to physical violence—they use psychological and verbal attacks in order to gain a sense of power and cause emotional trauma. Typical bullying behaviors, according to the Institute, include verbal abuse; threatening, intimidating or humiliating behaviors; and work interference, including sabotage. What workplace bullying looks like Victims of workplace bullies often find that they are impacted both at work and away from work. Bullies have the unique ability to get under their victims’ skin in a way that is hard to shake off. Often even the most positive and emotionally healthy person will find him or herself feeling defeated, angry and even helpless. Victims can become depressed, anxious or suffer from lack of sleep. Psychologist Noreen Tehrani, Ph.D., wrote Managing Trauma in the Workplace after conducting research that showed bullying creates similar psychological and physical symptoms to those of soldiers who have returned from combat overseas! Interestingly enough, the targets of workplace bullying are not typically passive, insecure people who are inexperienced or new—much like we might see when we are talking about a school age bully. Instead, workplace bullies prefer to target employees who they see as a threat: someone who is competent, well liked and experienced. Their goal is to attempt to intimidate and gain power over the person in order to feel better about their own insecurities. How to handle the workplace bully As adults, bullies tend to be more subtle and passive-aggressive than the schoolyard variety. They are often driven, powerful individuals who at their core have similar emotional issues as child or teen bullies. They may behave this way out of low self-esteem, insecurity and a need to feel powerful by bringing others down. My experience as a therapist has taught me that it can be ineffective to try to get the bully to change unless he or she wants to change. As a result, my advice focuses on what the victim can do for him or herself. If you are being bullied at work and for whatever reason you need to stick with your job, you must focus on protecting your emotional state and preventing this person from emotionally and psychologically impacting you. 1. Do not let the bully impact your well-being. While it is natural to be rattled, hurt and angered by your treatment, it is important that you not allow the bully to take your emotional power away. Focus on the positive things in your life. Remind yourself that the fact that you are being treated badly does not have anything to do with who you are as a person. Redirect your emotions by doing things you enjoy that are away from work. 2. Distance yourself both emotionally and physically, if possible. It is important for your well-being to limit your interactions with anyone who is bullying you at work (or anyone who brings negativity into your life, for that matter). If you are forced to be around that person, limit the time you spend with him or her as much as possible and tell yourself to emotionally disengage. The less time and energy you invest in your relationship, the better. If you are in a frequent work relationship where you cannot disengage, consider talking to your manager about the situation or going to the Human Resources department for help. 3. Give back to those you feel deserve your time and energy. When you are feeling besieged at work, one way to increase your sense of well-being and self-worth is to give back to a worthy cause and remind yourself that you are a powerful positive force in this world. Donate to a favorite charitable organization or volunteer to help a friend with a challenging project. Then focus on the good you are doing to help offset the negativity coming at you at work. 4. Lean on your support system. When a person treats us in a way that is unkind, we often have a tendency to retreat and isolate. From a psychological point of view it is important to do the reverse: Bring people you love and care about closer, spend time with them, call them on the phone, and share your story and let them lift your spirits. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what city you live in, or where you work—you’re bound to encounter toxic people who treat others in a cruel and demeaning way. Since it’s nearly impossible to change these folks, your goal should be to minimize the impact they have on you. Make a pact with yourself that you will not let the bullies bring you down! Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is an editor at large for Live Happy, and the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know.

work

Turn Tough Conversations Into Positive Ones

As we wind up Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, communication expert Michele Gravelle gives us a final cheat sheet for making difficult conversations into healthy, productive ones. We’ve covered a lot of ground these past few weeks, and I trust you’ve been practicing some of the conversational tools that I have gone over with Live Happy contributing editor Susan Kane. For my third and final blog, I’d like to give you three tips for carrying these concepts forward and making them work in your everyday conversations. The goal, of course, is for you to build and grow relationships, both at work and at home. 1. Think of your effect. If you have an important message, feedback or a response that you want to share with someone, first think about how both the information you’re sharing and your delivery will affect the other person. What is your motive? If it is to lash out, retaliate, “set the record straight,” prove a point or show the other person is wrong, then you are not in a good position to have the conversation. Wait until you are genuinely curious about what the other person has to say and then engage in a dialogue. 2. Pause and be curious. Train yourself to pause before you react. Do a mental scan and think about your life as well as the other person’s life. What’s going on? How might your thoughts about the other person leak into your conversation? It takes self-awareness and persistence to change the behaviors that get in the way of a productive, healthy dialogue. 3. Take responsibility for your own behavior. One of the most masterful moves you can make is to take responsibility for the words you say and actions you take. The more self-awareness you demonstrate and the more responsibility you are willing to take for your words and actions, the more you set the stage for a productive, neutral conversation. Remember, what you say and do does one of three things to your relationship: Nurtures it Changes nothing Damages or hurts it Susan and I covered a lot of ground these past few weeks, and I hope that some of what we have shared in our stories will help you in your own conversations and relationships. The more you practice these behaviors, the more they will become part of your natural conversational mojo! Best of luck to all of you! Read Michele's first blog here. Read Michele's second blog here. Listen to Michele on our podcast here. Michele Gravelle is an experienced executive coach, communications expert and consultant with The Triad Consulting Group. She also facilitates executive education programs at the Harvard Negotiation Institute and Duke Corporate Education, and is a contributing author to the book Enlightened Power: How Women Are Transforming the Path to Leadership.

work

90 Days to Breakthrough Success

As we wind up Live Happy’s 90 Days to a Happier You challenge, happiness and grit expert Caroline Miller reminds us of what it takes to make goals, stick to them and achieve successes in life. Congratulations on completing the 90-day challenge! By now, if you have been diligent about setting your goals, preparing your environment, assembling your support team, going outside your comfort zone and getting feedback about whether or not your strategy needs tweaking, you’ve accomplished something to be proud of—but now what? How do you ensure that you stay focused, motivated, optimistic and successful? And what do you do if you slide backward? This is a tricky period that you’ll need to navigate effectively if you want to make your new habits stick. It’s not uncommon for people to give up on their goals if they don’t think they’ve been successful enough, if they’ve hit a speed bump or if they’ve become complacent and found that maintaining progress is more difficult than expected. Researchers have even dubbed the third Monday of January “blue Monday” because of the familiar trifecta of depressing scenarios—credit card statements from the holidays, broken New Year’s resolutions and depressing weather. Here are some of tips I’ve found can be helpful in situations like these: Step 1: Know your success map Success leaves clues, so “unpack” the specific steps that helped you achieve your goals. If you slip backward, it will be important to have that “success map” available because there might be something you can easily add back to your formula to regain your footing and confidence. This is also helpful if you’ve unwittingly started doing something that is making it difficult to maintain progress. Step 2: Remove roadblocks One frequent culprit that undermines ongoing success is alcohol, which self-regulation researcher Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., has said is the No. 1 deterrent to all goal accomplishment because it removes the ability to delay gratification or use good judgment under stress. Other roadblocks can be negative people, time-sucks like Internet surfing and email, and visual prompts that undermine motivation. Step 3: Pursue consistency, not perfection Unexpected disruptions to your schedule, including travel, holidays and new relationships, can also set you back. When these types of scenarios throw you offtrack, guard against the “What the hell?” effect. Psychologists have found that if we decide we’ve blown our resolution or goal commitment for any reason, we need to get back to our routine as quickly as possible. If we just give up and say, “What the hell? I’ll just eat the whole box of Twinkies,” we lose the opportunity to learn that long-term consistency, not short-term perfection, is how we create and maintain positive habits. Chris ran into the buzz saw of the holidays just as he was making internal and external commitments to up his running, but instead of seeing the setbacks as signs that he didn’t have what it takes to remain committed to his goal, we added some steps to his routine that made it more likely that he’d bounce back as soon as his schedule became routine and predictable again. Step 4: Review your steps Carlo C. DiClemente, Ph.D., and J. O. Prochaska’s, Ph.D., “stages of change” research shows that rushing through the goal formation and goal pursuit process can result in short-term success that quickly goes backward. The only course correction is to go back and assess whether or not you spent enough time preparing for action, for example, as opposed to rushing into action. Did you find enough people to take your morning carpool shift before committing to joining a rowing team, or did you just assume it would work out on its own? Once you ensure that every step of your plan is thoroughly researched and put into place, you are more likely to make continuous, positive progress. Step 5: Disengage, don’t quit There’s a fine line between quitting your goals and redirecting your energies, but sometimes quitting is the smartest option. This is called “disengaging from unworkable goals,” and it’s the right choice when something in your environment has changed decisively and pursuing your goal no longer makes sense. For example, if your spouse lost her job just as you were about to return to school, it probably makes more sense to re-establish financial footing and then return to your goal of getting a master’s degree. People who push to the finish line without taking new data into account are like mountaineers with “summit fever” who refuse to acknowledge an impending blizzard and continue to push to the mountaintop at their peril. Don’t be that person. Step 6: Keep it up Finally, one of the surest ways to continue to be positive and proactive is to set fresh goals once you achieve your initial goal. Don’t just rest on your laurels and hope that life will continue to be satisfying and meaningful. Flourishing high-achievers usually set harder goals upon reaching other successes, so see these 90 days as the start of a beautiful relationship with yourself and your best-possible life! Caroline Adams Miller, MAPP, is a professional coach, author, speaker and educator. Her book, Creating Your Best Life, is the first evidence-based book to connect the science of happiness with the science of goal-setting. Caroline gave an acclaimed TEDx talk on grit in 2014, a topic she will cover in her upcoming book, Authentic Grit.

Self-Care

5 Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Emotional Closet

Around this time of year, you’re bound to see loads of articles about spring cleaning. And with the rise of Marie Kondo’s bestselling book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, decluttering has taken on a near-spiritual status. Spring is a time of rebirth, and just as we like to open the windows and give the house new light and new life, it is also the perfect time to break out the vacuum cleaner and clean out our emotional closets, where the dust-bunnies of fear and mildew of stagnation take hold. Cleaning out a closet has its challenges: Do you keep the much-loved sweater that is stained? Should you hang on to the jeans you swear you’ll fit into again someday? So it comes as no surprise that facing what’s in your emotional closet will take a little courage, patience and dedication. But if you follow these steps, you’ll kick off spring with a well-organized and freshly polished state of mind. Step 1: Take inventory The first step for cleaning out anything—emotional or otherwise—is to take a look at everything and see what you have. When it comes to emotional housekeeping, this means making time to write down what’s going on in the main areas of your life: work, home, relationships and love. What’s working well in these areas? What would you like to change? You may want to think about the fundamental building blocks of well-being according to positive psychology (PERMA), and see how you stack up there. Do you feel you have enough meaning in your life? Do you lack a sense of achievement at work, and are you engaged with the world around you? Step 2: Let go of what’s not working Just as you’d throw away worn-out T-shirts if you were cleaning out your closet, now is the time to identify and remove (or try to minimize) whatever no longer works for you emotionally. This could be a grudge you’ve been holding on to for years, a job you dread going to every day, or even a friend who no longer shares your values. This step is hard. When it comes to at-home organization, this is usually where people give up and just shove everything back into the closet. Doing the emotional work of letting go of things you’ve held on to but that no longer serve you can be painful, but the more negativity you remove, the more space you’ll have for positivity. Step 3: Give back what you can When it comes to actual closet cleaning, you would donate what you no longer need to friends or a charity. While you probably can’t do this with emotional cleaning (you can’t recycle a job, can you?), this is a good time to think about what you can give back to the world. Do you have special talents or skills? Are you a good friend, parent or co-worker? Are you able to donate time, money or efforts to a good cause? We all possess certain emotional skills that others can benefit from, and giving back to others can positively impact your emotional well-being. Step 4: Decide what you need more of After you identify what you no longer want and can give to others, it’s time to assess what you need more of in your life. Refer back to what you wrote in Step 1. What steps can you take right now to get more of what you need? For example, if you wrote that you’d like more affection from your partner, now’s the time to ask for it. Or, if you realized you need more alone time, tell your family you’ll be taking an hour to relax solo. Take steps to improve your well-being by actively creating the life you want. Step 5: Keep working at it Organized people keep their closets (and the rest of their rooms) arranged neatly by doing little bits of tidying every day. Keep your emotional closet clean by doing frequent check-ins. One of the best ways to do this is by keeping a journal. Checking in daily with the notes you made in Step 1 is the equivalent of putting things away as soon as you get home every night. For some, daily check-ins might be a bit much, but resolve to keep tabs on your emotional state at least once a week. Doing so will help you stay on track—and will prevent having to do a deep-down clean-out in the future. Dani DiPirro is an author, blogger and designer living in a suburb of Washington, D.C. In 2009, she launched the website PositivelyPresent.com with the intention of sharing her insights about living a positive and present life. Dani is the author of Stay Positive, The Positively Present Guide to Life and a variety of e-books. She is also the founder of Twenty3, a design studio focused on promoting positive, modern graphic design and illustration.

Self-Care

And the Winner Is…Character Strengths!

Each year, I review a wide range of movies, studying them for their portrayals of core themes in positive psychology. Why? Because movies are a lens through which we view ourselves as individuals and a society. They give us insight, instill hope and plant ideas for self-growth. More than just entertainment, research shows that movies can actually lead to an increase in positive characteristics and positive behaviors among viewers. The envelope please... Award for Best Positive Psychology Movie: The Peanuts Movie In this film, Charlie Brown expresses several character strengths, including humor, bravery, kindness and perseverance—all in support of the meta-strength, love. True to positive psychology research, Charlie Brown exhibits "character strengths blindness" and low self-esteem, and it takes other characters to engage in "strengths-spotting" before he improves his self-understanding. Themes of achievement, positive relationships and meaning are on display throughout the film. Take the kids and discuss the themes with them afterward! Award for Positive Relationships: 45 Years A couple who is about to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary encounter a unique challenge. This beautiful film displays positive aging, relationship imperfections and continual relationship growth rather than stagnancy. It would be difficult for a viewer of any age to watch it and not reflect on one’s own relationship and how it will fare many years (or decades) down the line. Award for Heroism: Star Wars: The Force Awakens This long-awaited Star Wars legacy sequel not only did not disappoint but enthralled most viewers and critics. The Force Awakens hews closely to the work of modern mythologist Joseph Campbell with its classic hero’s journey; however, in this installment the hero happens to be a young woman named Rey, who seems to have a very strong connection to the force. Both the old and new heroes display bravery, compassion, integrity, perseverance and hope as they transform themselves and battle the dark side. Award for Overall Signature Strengths: Concussion Concussion is unquestionably one of the year’s best films from the perspective of story, acting and using one’s strengths to make a difference in the world. A pathologist, Bennet Omalu (Will Smith), makes a medical discovery of football-related brain trauma and the long-term negative effects. Omalu displays psychological and moral courage, perseverance, integrity, judgment and kindness in exemplary ways. This constellation of qualities helps him challenge one of most powerful institutions in the country—the NFL. Award for Hope: The Martian In an unthinkable situation, astronaut (Matt Damon) is abandoned on the planet Mars. With no one to turn to for support or problem-solving help, he is left with nothing but his character strengths and talents to not only survive but also to find a way to make contact with Earth. It is hope the fuels him, helps him face adversity and allows him to stay optimistic despite the horrifying reality of his situation. Award for Resilience (long-term): Room A young woman played by Brie Larsen shows unbelievable strength through devastating circumstances as she protects both herself and her child in this heart-rending film, which takes place mainly in one small room. Later, when she is no longer in the room, she must adapt to a new world and new life while also dealing with significant post-traumatic effects of what she and her son have experienced. Award for Achievement/Accomplishment: Joy A divorced woman, stuck in the sandwich generation caring for older and younger family members, Joy Mangano breaks from the monotony of her life and taps into the creativity she displayed as a child. Based on a real-life story of the woman who invented the Miracle Mop, this film highlights Joy's achievements and her belief in herself despite crushing surroundings. Award for Teamwork: Spotlight This film portrays the “spotlight team” of the Boston Globe that broke the story of the Catholic Church’s systematic cover-up of the sexual abuse of children/adolescents by priests. We watch as they use ingenuity and collaborative teamwork to find the truth. Viewers will see how different character strengths are aligned with different roles and how each team member uniquely rises to the occasion when needed in order to take initiative, to lead, to investigate or to challenge authority. Award for Mindfulness: Anomalisa Perhaps the most creative film of the year, Anomalisa is an animated masterpiece from the quizzical mind of director/writer Charlie Kaufman. David Thewlis gives voice to the main character, a man living on autopilot until he is (temporarily) shaken out of this state by a naive woman voiced by Jennifer Jason Leigh who raises his curiosity and moves him emotionally. She is his mindfulness catalyst. Originally published on Positive Psychology News Daily. Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist, coach and Education Director of the VIA Institute on Character. He's an international presenter on character strengths, mindfulness and positive psychology. Ryan is author of Mindfulness and Character Strengths and co-author of Positive Psychology at the Movies and Movies and Mental Illness.

Practice

10 Ways You Can Be Happier Today

How can we feel happier on a day-to-day basis? Practicing gratitude, unplugging and living in the present moment come immediately to mind. Sometimes we know all the right answers, but putting those ideas into practice is the tough part. To help you fully embrace life as it unfolds before you, we've put together this list of helpful practices. (Happiness overachievers can click on the highlighted links to learn even more about each practice.) 1. Strengthen self-control We don’t have to exhaust our willpower or decision-making quota for the day when we make healthy habits automatic. Make one or more of these fundamental habits a regular part of your daily life in order to help you set and keep other healthy habits: 1. Get seven hours of sleep; 2. Go for a 20-minute walk; 3. Don’t let yourself get too hungry; 4. Take time to unclutter; 5. Give yourself a healthy treat. 2. Get some sleep According to sleep expert Michael Breus, Ph.D., sleeping less than seven hours each night can negatively impact your outlook, make you crave unhealthy foods and even kill your productivity. For those with serious trouble sleeping, he suggests you go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, take the TV out of the bedroom and get out of bed if you can’t fall asleep within 20 to 30 minutes. 3. Build up your emotional toolkit If you struggle with depression or bouts of anxiety, build up your emotional toolkit. Use the tool of self-compassion to treat yourself with the same loving kindness you would extend to a friend. Silence that inner critic and give yourself a soft place to land when things don’t go right or you are working through a challenging experience. Fill up your mind with kind thoughts about yourself. 4. Improve your conversations One of the most powerful skills you can practice is empathy. We show empathy by asking questions to better understand the person we’re talking with. When we hear our conversation partner expressing complex emotions, we might summarize or repeat what they’ve said back to them to show that we are listening with empathy. 5. Exercise to get these unique benefits Scientific research has shown there are countless connections between mind and body; to simplify a complicated process: exercise boosts dopamine and other chemicals in the brain that make us feel happier. Find an exercise you love and set a goal (run a 5K, walk 10,000 steps in a day, or go to yoga twice a week). When we have a specific goal, we are engaged with life and excited about our progress and our future. 6. Get happier at work Make your workday happier by brainstorming new solutions for a work challenge in the morning when your mind is fresh. Sit down with your coffee or tea and spend 10 minutes thinking up as many ideas, solutions and possible outcomes to a problem or opportunity your team is facing. Then share the best three ideas with another team member. 7. Play Research from the National Institute for Play shows that putting playtime back in our routines can boost creativity, reduce stress, increase brain function and even improve our relationships with others. Wake up your inner child and play—roll down a hill, play a board game with your family, jump rope or do a cartwheel. 8. Smile By smiling more often, you will make others around you feel better and you will feel better too, creating a reverberating circle of well-being. 9. Win the war against worry Author Erma Bombeck once wrote, “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere.” Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, agrees, saying that worry is simply a fear of uncertainty. Keep a journal of your worries in order to keep them under control; in addition Karen recommends meditating, relaxing and downloading this free app. 10. Build up your resilience Surf champion Bethany Hamilton no longer views the shark attack that caused the loss of her arm as a negative in the scheme of her life. Instead, she practices resilience and fortitude by dwelling on all the positives that have resulted from it. Search for the silver lining and find the positives when you are facing adversity to become a more resilient person. Sandra Bienkowski is a contributing editor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO of TheMediaConcierge.net.

Reading

Birth of a Book

As those of us here on the Live Happy staff know very well, there are loads of books about happiness on the shelves. So what makes Live Happy: Ten Practices for Choosing Joy, special? We sat with our own editorial director, Deborah K. Heisz, to find out what sets this new book apart and what makes it a compelling read. LIVE HAPPY: Deborah, what made you decide we needed to create this book? DEBORAH K. HEISZ: As you said, bookshelves are full of books about happiness, and since I read them all—or try to, anyway—I noticed they fell into three distinct camps. One kind of happiness book is written by positive psychologists and is often targeted to the scientific community. Another kind of book is someone’s personal reflections on happiness, and the third type is written for businesspeople. We realized there was a huge gap that needed to be filled. There was no book that distilled the science on happiness—the results coming from the research of positive psychologists—for the average consumer and provide examples of people putting them into action. Doing that is the mission of this magazine and it was also the driving mission behind the book. LH: What do you think is the most common misperception people have about happiness? DH: Most people have the basic recipe for happiness exactly backward. They think that if only they had the right relationship, the right job, the right amount of money in the bank, then they would be happy. Yet happier people are more likely to attain success of all kinds. Happy people are the ones who have good relationships. Happy people get better jobs and make more money than unhappy people do. So you don't have to wait to be happy. My hope is that this book provides you with the tools to create happiness now. LH: The book’s subtitle says there are 10 practices for choosing joy. What are those practices? And why do you say that joy is something we can choose, since life can throw us all curveballs? DH: Happiness is a choice and something we can work on and increase all our lives. The wonderful thing is that so many aspects of our lives can bring us happiness. We just have to take the steps. We have to commit to the journey. The 10 practices that science shows us can lead to a happier life are these: a positive attitude, deep connections with other people, a sense our lives have meaning, creativity, gratitude, mindfulness, health, resilience, spirituality and giving back. Realizing that there are 10 things that contribute to joy means we all have an opportunity to become happier. Maybe you already take good care of your health and have a wonderfully positive attitude, but you realize you could develop your spirituality and resilience more. Or maybe you get stuck thinking about the past too much and you realize that becoming more mindful could hugely increase your well-being. And today there are so many people who have all the trappings of success, but they feel hollow inside—and they need to find a life of meaning that’s congruent with who they are. Identifying the practices we can work on is how we choose joy. LH: You also included 40 stories about people who used these practices to increase happiness. Why? DH: It’s one thing to learn the scientific facts about happiness, and another thing altogether to see how those facts play out in real people’s lives. Yes, we can conduct scientific research on happiness, but the insights take on much more power and are more memorable when we see how they truly impact people. LH: Were there particular stories that stood out for you? DH: There are so many stories in the book I will never forget. Some of them taught me practices that have made my life better…exercises in positive thinking and gratitude, for example. Some of them totally made my day, like the story of the Flennikens, who adopted a daughter and, 10 years later, a baby boy. Then just a few months later, they learned their son Zach’s two older brothers, ages 2 and 3, needed a home. Not only did the Flennikens take in both boys, months later they opened their hearts and home to his older sister. Within a year, their family went from three to seven! And, the dad told us, “We feel blessed beyond belief.” Then there were the stories that made me cry, stories of people who have been through the most awful tragedies I could ever imagine who somehow found their way back to happiness. I’m thinking in particular about Celeste Peterson, whose only child, Erin, was killed in the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Her daughter was her greatest joy, her greatest accomplishment as an at-home mom. Yet she found a way to make something good out of what happened by creating a nonprofit and using her motherly love to make a real difference in the lives of at-risk boys, including one her daughter had befriended. Those stories awe me. They show me how strong the human spirit is. They have changed me in a profound way. LH: Some of the stories are from celebrities. Why did you decide to include their stories in the book? DH: Just 10 of the 40 stories are from celebrities; the others are from regular people. The really interesting thing is, the celebrity stories aren’t any different from the others. We all have our struggles in life. We all need the same things to be happy—love, a sense our lives have meaning, the resilience to bounce back from setbacks. The journey to happiness seems to be a great equalizer. LH: What was the most important thing you learned from the book? DH: Anyone, regardless of what has happened to him or her, can find deep and lasting happiness. The science tells our brains that it’s true. But the stories go straight to our hearts. They are what really convince us that happiness is possible, no matter what. Order your copy of Live Happy: Ten Practices for Choosing Joy now to get a special package of happiness gifts.

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Achieving Harmonious Passion with James and Suzie Pawelski

Suzie Pileggi Pawelski is a contributing editor for Live Happy magazine as well as wellness counselor specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on health and relationships. Her 2010 Scientific American Mind cover story "The Happy Couple" was selected by the magazine as one of its most intriguing articles of recent years. James Pawelski, Ph.D., is Director of Education and Senior Scholar in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. For the last ten years, he has served as the founding director of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program, the world's first degree program in positive psychology. He is also the founding director of the International Positive Psychology Association. Live Happy co-founder and Editorial Director Deborah K. Heisz talks with James and Suzie about achieving harmonious passion in your personal relationships. What you'll learn in this podcast: Understanding the psychological concept of passion and how it differs from popular culture The difference between healthy (harmonious) and unhealthy (obsessive) passion How to cultivate a healthy passion in our daily lives Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Visit JamesPawelski.com Visit SuzannPileggi.com Thank you to our partner - AARP Life Reimagined!

Should We Aim To Be Perfectly Happy?

Happiness Around the Clock

How to Survive a Workplace Bully

Turn Tough Conversations Into Positive Ones

90 Days to Breakthrough Success

5 Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Emotional Closet

And the Winner Is…Character Strengths!

10 Ways You Can Be Happier Today

Birth of a Book

Achieving Harmonious Passion with James and Suzie Pawelski

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