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Face Failure Head On With These Essential Tools

I’ve been afraid of one thing my whole life: Failure. Whenever I think I might fail at something, my body launches into a full-blown panic attack. My heart races, my breath quickens, I can’t get enough air to my lungs and I’m sure I’m going to die. My reaction may sound a bit extreme, but fear of failure plagues all of us at one time or another. Perhaps you’re afraid to love after the last break up. Perhaps you’re afraid to ask for a promotion again after being rejected. Everything worth having comes with the risk of failure. And so we hold ourselves back. Maybe it’s easier to live alone than risk a broken heart, or to stay in the cushy job you hate than risk failing at a more challenging job you would really love. But to live a full, happy life, you must take that risk. The key is to know that you can recover from failure. If you know how to handle it, failure can even be your friend. The perfect child My failure anxiety started young. I am the youngest of three siblings, and my parents pinned a lot of their hopes and expectations on me to achieve: pressure to get perfect grades, have lots of friends—to be the best at everything. And when I wasn’t perfect, I would quit and pretend I didn’t care. I couldn’t let anyone find out how imperfect I was. So I avoided my dreams in order to avoid the possibility of failure. In my 20s, I knew I wanted to be a writer, speaker and coach. When a top Los Angeles literary agent rejected my first manuscript, I was crestfallen. For the next five years, I barely wrote a word and continued in my unhappy corporate career. Self-hatred and denial set in. Read more: Moving Past Perfection Breaking free of fear I tried to convince myself that life was fine, but my body knew better. I experienced migraines and severe depression. Every month, I begged my psychiatrist for more medication. And though I was a healthy 34-year-old, I came down with shingles. Something had to change. My mother told me to use my failure as fuel. I made a list of every regret, dream, fear—everything I wished I had done but hadn’t and began doing them one by one. I traveled the world alone, bought a boat, ran a marathon, and eventually went to graduate school. Failure is the precursor to success I have failed many times since making that list. When I first applied to graduate school, I was rejected from every single program. When I held my first group coaching program, no one signed up. And guess how many signed up for the second one? Zero again! I crawled into bed crying and swore I would never try again. But I did try again a month later, that third time, three people signed up. Now, I regularly get more than a dozen women signing up for each coaching retreat. Read more: Show Up and Succeed Fuel for growth Humans are resilient. Think of how many times you failed to walk as a toddler before you got it right. That resilience is still inside you. The question isn’t if you’ll fail, but what you will do with that experience. Will you shrivel up and hide? Or will you stand tall in your effort, gain wisdom from your failure, and get back out there to accomplish your goal? The latter is called “grit.” University of Pennsylvania professor Angela Duckworth defines grit as passion and perseverance toward a long-term goal. Her research suggests that the grittier you are, the more successful you will be. So next time failure (or fear of it) rears its ugly head and you want to hide, try this instead: 1. Acceptance Venting, denial and self-blame in the face of failure can lead to a sense of powerlessness and something called “learned helplessness,” which is closely linked to depression. But according to positive psychology founder Martin Seligman, Ph.D., you can also choose to learn optimism. When you fail, you can see it as temporary, isolated and opportunity for growth. To fail and come back again—that is strength! We all fail and most of us feel ashamed when we do. The sooner you accept this human truth with kindness and self-compassion, the happier you’ll be. Research from NYU’s School of Medicine shows that acceptance, versus suppression, reduces anxiety and suffering. Plus, research from 2014 shows that self-compassion can improve resilience, optimism, and self-efficacy. Accept that you’ll never be perfect. Rather, laugh at yourself for wanting to be perfect and move on. 2. Positive reframing Too often, our lesson from failure is not to try again. That holds us back from love, purpose and joy. Instead, reframe failure as an opportunity to learn new skills, enhance creativity, and become a better problem-solver. Find the nugget of wisdom, strength or courage in your failure and apply it to the next opportunity. Then get back on track and focus on your long-term goals. 3. Stay focused on the long-term goal All successful people have one thing in common: Failure. Think about Apple’s original MacIntosh, or times when Michael Jordan missed the game-winning shot. If Steve Jobs or Michael or J.K. Rowling had given up easily, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy their eventual colossal successes. When you fail, step back from the momentary challenge and remember the bigger prize. Angela Duckworth’s research found that achieving difficult goals requires sustained focus over time. 4. Take a risk! It’s simple enough: You won’t get anything unless you try. Start with something small. Let yourself fail. Do it again and again until you succeed. Let that small success be fuel to try something a bit bigger. The more you overcome fear of failure, the more motivated you will be. And if you need help getting over fear and going for your dream, get support. Hire a coach or join a support group that will help you identify the base of your fear and motivate you to move forward. You deserve to live fully. You deserve to thrive! I wish I could tell you that failure no longer scares me—quite the opposite. I’m afraid every single day. I just know what to do with it now: Be compassionate with myself. Laugh with myself. Gain wisdom from the failure. Reframe it as fuel. And try again. Read more by Carin Rockind: Nothing Compares to You Listen to our podcast: 5 Steps to a More Confident You With Carin Rockind. Carin Rockind is a speaker, author and coach with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) from the University of Pennsylvania.

relationships

The Friendship Prescription

When Liz Hilcken went through a bad spate of depression in her 20s and early 30s, she didn’t turn to her three older sisters, though the four siblings are extremely close, texting, calling and visiting weekly if not daily. Liz didn’t tap the support of her husband either, nor her colleagues at the hospital where she worked as a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit. Instead, she turned to her best friend, Elis, a woman she describes as her polar opposite. “I’d seen all the horrible things that could happen to kids because of my job, so I was the classic helicopter mom,” says Liz, 51, who has two daughters and lives in Seaford, New York. “Elis is from Ireland and grew up running around in pastures until dark; she doesn’t have rules.” The two met as young mothers nearly 25 years ago, through their then 3-year-old girls. “I was in a blur of depression,” says Liz, “I’d recently lost both my parents and I was struggling as a young wife and mother,” she says. “My sisters are the best, but when you’re the youngest, you have to behave a certain way and follow the rules you were raised with.” For Liz, that meant trying to be the perfect sister, spouse, nurse and mother. No judgments In other words, it meant not always showing her authentic self, something it can be easier to do with friends than family. “I would go to work or visit my sisters and smile; I’d pretend I was OK. I even pretended with my husband because I didn’t want him to worry,” Liz says. She didn’t pretend with Elis. “When I was with her, I wasn’t expected to be happy all the time,” Liz says. “She was very accepting. I could just go to her house and sit there quietly at her kitchen counter, whatever my mood, with no judgments.” There’s a certain kind of joy that comes from truly being known and understood, the way Liz felt known and understood by Elis, the way we feel with our closest friends. “My therapy was talking to Elis, being with her, and being myself with her,” Liz recalls. “That saved my life.” It has been well-documented by psychologists that social connections like family or a spiritual community are crucial to health and happiness. Indeed, a 2010 landmark study at Brigham Young University found that people with strong social ties have a 50 percent lower risk of dying than more solitary sorts, even if the socializers smoke or drink excessively. Certainly, a loving family has a huge influence on our well-being. But when it comes to day-to-day joy and ultimate life satisfaction, our friends play a crucial role. Read more: Friends With Benefits Friends and family: What’s the difference? There’s something unique about friendship, something that sets it apart from the far more widely studied bonds of family and romance. “There’s plenty of vibrant research on marriage and parent-child relationships, but friendship doesn’t get the focus it deserves,” says Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a visiting professor and researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century. In fact, we rely on friends to maintain our happiness—one reason being that there is not the same fear of judgments we may get from parents or a partner. “It can be easier to seek help from friends, to talk honestly about our health and behaviors without fear of worrying or angering them,” says psychologist Terri Apter, Ph.D., author of Best Friends: The Pleasure and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships. “It can also be easier to vent or moan to a friend and get uncomplicated positive feedback in return.” With family, it's complicated... Uncomplicated positive feedback is not necessarily something that most relatives are known for, however beloved they may be. “In friendships, there tend to be fewer hierarchies,” says Ruth Nemzoff, resident scholar at the Women’s Study Research Center at Brandeis University. But “in families, parents tend to have power over children, and older siblings may have power over the younger,” Ruth says. Marriage, too, comes with a wealth of complications that generally don’t arise with pals. “Unlike with a romantic partner, with friends, you don’t have the tension that comes with thinking about the future, or the complications that can arise with sex,” says Rebecca Graber, Ph.D., a lecturer in psychology at the University of Brighton in England. A matter of choice—and mutuality We also don’t get to choose our parents and siblings the way we do our friends. That simple act of choosing, say researchers, can bring a wealth of happiness benefits that may extend from childhood on. “We tend to expect help from our family, so we take it more for granted. But friendships are voluntary, so we often feel deeply grateful when our friends help us out,” Ruth says. And gratitude, as a raft of positive psychology studies have shown, is intimately linked with greater happiness. Ricki Frankel, 53, felt deeply thankful for the unconditional love and support she got from her former sorority sisters during and after her divorce. “We’d do group emails regularly and they were completely there for me,” says Ricki, an instructor at Stanford Business School. “It was comforting to have this group firmly and unequivocally with me during that difficult time.” With a little help from my friends That solid connection and support may foster the kind of pick-yourself-up attitude that helped Ricki get through her divorce and love again, and that nudged Liz through the darkest days of her depression. In an as-yet unpublished study of an international group of women ages 35 to 56 done at the University of Leeds in England, Rebecca found that women with these kinds of high-quality friendships were more resilient and had better life coping skills. “The same is true in children,” she says. In the May 2016 British Journal of Psychology, a study by Rebecca and colleagues reported that children in low-income neighborhoods with just one close friendship were more resilient than those without a good friend. “For both boys and girls, those with better friendships were likelier to get through difficult times without doing things like using drugs or disengaging,” Rebecca says. More evidence that the benefits of friendship start early: A 30-year Swedish study of 996 adults published in 2013 found that eighth-grade children who felt happy with their friends were more satisfied with life and friendships when they were in their 40s, compared with kids who felt rejected in eighth grade. Keeping it casual Of course, not every friend has to be a best friend, or even someone with whom we share our most intimate thoughts. One of the unique benefits of the friendship bond, both Ruth and Rebecca have found, is that most of us have different friends for different parts of life. “You can have your shopping friends, your book club friends and your running friends,” Ruth says. “Even if these friendships are casual, the more cohorts you have, the more parts of yourself get valued.” Surprisingly, the fragmentation that can characterize friendship is also beneficial to happiness: Because you don’t necessarily give your friends all of yourself, friendships can feel less complicated and, often, more fun than the bonds of family or marriage. “With all my sisters in my life, I never thought I’d need anyone to just play with,” says Liz. “But with my girlfriends, I don’t have that stifling history. I can just enjoy myself.” Another reason less-intimate friendships confer happiness benefits is because we have to do some work to keep them going, according to Rebecca. All that texting and calling to make a date (something we don’t do with a spouse), may make us value our friends more—which contributes to the pleasure we take from them. Think about it: You may not get the same jolt of delight when your spouse comes home (since he or she comes home every day) as you do when you finally manage to connect with a pal after umpteen emails and calendar reconfigurations. You don’t even have to see your friends in person to reap the benefits. A now-famous 2008 report in the British Medical Journal found that when our friends are happy, we may get happy, too—even if we don’t see or speak to them. The findings suggest that happiness can spread to up to three friends within a given social network, albeit within a fairly close geographical distance. Researchers found that if a happy chum lives within a mile, your chances of becoming happy increase 25 percent. In contrast, a happy sibling living within a mile increases happiness by only 14 percent; a cohabitating spouse by only 8 percent and happy co-workers not at all. Read more: Redefining Love Quality or quantity? Ultimately, though, researchers agree that having at least one close, intimate friendship trumps a large network of casual pals every time. “There is no ideal number of friends you must have to get the benefits,” Rebecca says. “If you have one or two people you can call true friends, who aren’t your partner or your family, you’re in a good place.” Indeed, a 2015 survey of 25,000 people done by researchers at Chapman University in Orange, California, found that the two biggest predictors of life satisfaction were quality of friendships and job engagement. “Quality beats out quantity across all dimensions, ages and genders,” says Brian Gillespie, co-author of the Chapman study. The question is, what counts as a quality friendship? Brian and his colleagues teased out three aspects they believe bump a bond from eh to essential: companionship (a person you can count on to show up at a big birthday or other milestone event) expressive support (a friend with whom you can talk about anything, including sex) and instrumental support (a friend who will do things with you or for you—like pick up when you call at midnight to cry about a breakup). Read more: Life Is More Fun When Shared With a Friend They'll be there for you Friendships with these components—quality friendships—play an important role outside the marital relationship, according to Brian. “They can relieve stress in the marriage because they serve as a sounding board, especially important if you are having problems with your spouse,” he says. “Friendships that have all of these qualities are also the most satisfying kind. And the more satisfied you are with your friendships, the more satisfied you are with your life. Having quality friendships, as opposed to a larger groupof casuals, may be especially important in middle age, when people are juggling kids and ailing parents, and may not have time for girls’/boys’ night out. “Once people reach their 30s, 40s and beyond, they tend to prune away the acquaintances and shift into higher-quality, more substantial friendships,” Brian says. Those are the kind of friendships that sustain us for the long haul. As Liz copes with the kinds of dramas that typically come with middle age, she remains glad that there’s one constant in her life: her unwavering, deeply comfortable bond with her best friend. “Whatever is going on, we can still laugh together, relax together, tell stories from all our years of friendship,” says Liz. “If someone asked me, ‘Who is your person in life?’ well, Elis is my person.” Listen to our Podcast with Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., on Relationships and Love Paula Derrow is an experienced writer, editor and content strategist. Learn more at PaulaDerrow.com.

relationships

Born to Love

Humans are social creatures. Sure, some of us like a little solitude now and then, but even introverts need to feel connected, cared for and understood. Our DNA compels us to seek relationships that satisfy those needs. From the most basic viewpoint, the biological need for connection may stem from the survival instinct; propagation and protection of the human species depend on the bonds of our relationships. But love and connection provide much deeper benefits than a simple response to the instinct to survive. Positive relationships contribute to better physical and mental health, longevity and, yes, happiness. Although your closest relationships, those with your partner, children and inner circle of friends, are most essential to your well-being and life fulfillment, feeling connected at work or in your community also contributes to happiness. You may not define your work or social connections as love, but when nurtured, they can stimulate a physical and emotional response that mirrors the benefits of close personal relationships. In his book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman presents evidence that social connection is as important to our survival as food and shelter. In fact, positive relationships are one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction. In a Harvard study of nearly 300 men over the course of 75 years, having meaningful relationships is identified as the only thing that truly matters in life. George Vaillant, one of the principal researchers, noted in his book Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study that even when the men had money, health and good careers, they weren’t happy unless they had strong, positive relationships. And it isn’t just emotional wellness that love and connection confer. In a recent meta-analysis of 148 smaller studies, researchers at Brigham Young University showed that loneliness and social isolation are just as deadly as obesity, smoking and other extremely negative factors. John Cacioppo, Ph.D., is the director of the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience and has studied the causes and effects of loneliness for many years; he is also the author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. When a person feels socially isolated, John has found, his or her body produces more of the stress hormone cortisol. As time goes on, too much cortisol in the system leads to organ wear and tear, which in turn can lead to a variety of maladies from depression to high blood pressure to major strokes. But if loneliness hurts, love and companionship heal, boosting both our health and our happiness. The biology of love “Just as your body was designed to extract oxygen from the Earth’s atmosphere and nutrients from the foods you ingest, your body was designed to love,” says Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D., director of the Positive Emotions & Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a leading researcher on the benefits of connection and the author of Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection. “Love—like taking a deep breath, or eating an orange when you’re depleted and thirsty—not only feels great but is also life-giving, an indispensable source of energy, sustenance and health,” Barbara says. When you feel loving, kind and trusting toward someone, Barbara says, your brain releases oxytocin into your body. Oxytocin is the calming and connecting hormone. What’s more, when your body releases oxytocin, it can stimulate a release of oxytocin in the other person, Barbara says. That’s why a crying child can often be calmed by a loving parent’s touch. It’s also how mutual trust is fostered in relationships. Besides producing oxytocin when we have warm and trusting feelings for another person, our bodies quell production of the stress hormone cortisol. This tandem event—a boost in oxytocin and a tamping down of cortisol—allows us to handle stressful situations, such as a conflict with a spouse or business person, more easily. Just as important as oxytocin’s role in our ability to connect with others is that of our vagus nerve, which links our brains to our hearts and other organs. The vagus nerve regulates the heartbeat and, working with oxytocin, stimulates the “calm and connect” response, Barbara says. “It stimulates tiny facial muscles that better enable you to make eye contact and synchronize your facial expressions with another person,” she says, adding that it even allows our ears to better distinguish another person’s voice against background noise. Finally, we are built not just to connect and love, but also to share those loving, good vibes. A 20-year study of 4,739 people known as the Framingham Heart Study concluded that happiness is contagious, spreading from person to person. Love is all you need Relationships compose one of the largest pillars upon which our happiness is built. So take time out for the people who matter to you. Deepen your existing relationships and be open to forming new connections. The three stories shared here show how, by nurturing the positive in a variety of relationships—with a spouse, family or one’s co-workers—life becomes rich in the truest sense of the word. Because when considering the famous question, “What’s love got to do with it?” the answer, as far as your happiness is concerned, is everything. Shawn Achor and Michell Gielan: When happiness experts fall in love A former TV reporter and anchor Michelle Gielan had shifted her career path to pursue a master’s in positive psychology. As part of her coursework, Michelle had read—and loved—Shawn Achor’s book The Happiness Advantage. So when she needed a mentor in her new field, she e-mailed the Harvard-trained happiness expert and asked to set up a meeting. It wasn’t the only reason she was looking forward to meeting him. “I had definitely looked at the back flap of the book and seen his picture,” Michelle laughs. A few short months after that first meeting, the two began dating and today they are married and have a toddler son, Leo. Shawn and Michelle knew that having healthy relationships is one of the greatest predictors of long-term happiness. In their own relationship, they’ve learned first-hand that by being intentional every day about the way they interact with each other, they can strengthen their marriage and add to each other’s happiness. “When we see each other for the first time after we’ve been away on a trip or for just a few hours, we always make sure to start our interaction by sharing something positive that’s happening,” Michelle says. Making the initial encounter a positive one sets the tone for the rest of the day. They also help each other recognize less-than-positive attitudes and behaviors so they can be stopped or adjusted. “We call each other out when one of us is going down an unproductive thought path,” Shawn says, “and suddenly you realize that the negativity isn’t going anywhere—it’s just spinning you around on an emotional cycle.” By the same token, when either party is stressed by work, travel or parenthood, the other asks for three good things that are happening at that instant. “So if she asks me to do that, suddenly I’ll realize, yeah, I’m traveling to give a talk on happiness that will help people,” Shawn says. “Or we’re on our way to the airport for a great, fun vacation. Or I’m with the people I love.” During disagreements, Michelle explains that the first thing to consider is that the other person is coming from a place of love. “I know that he’s got my back. So when we have a disagreement, we’re disagreeing about the thing, the event, not the other person fundamentally. And we’re also very big on communicating along the way, talking issues through as they pop up, so that they stay small things and don’t become big things.” Gary and Vicki Flenniken: More to love For 14 years, Gary and Vicki Flenniken lived full, mostly happy lives as a DINK couple (double income, no kids). But they felt that something was missing. They tried for years to have children and finally went through fertility testing. But just three days after Vicki began treatments, Gary’s old friend called in the midst of a family crisis. She told Gary that Child Protective Services (CPS) had removed her sister’s two children—one of whom was an infant—from her home and they were now in the friend’s care. The friend was panicked: She already had four children and felt overwhelmed. Gary and Vicki immediately offered to care for the baby. Suddenly, they were parents. “We brought her into our home with zero preparation. We didn’t have bottles, a bedroom for a baby, diapers; we didn’t have anything,” Gary says. Anything, that is, except love to share in abundance. During the next two years, the Flennikens waded through the long process of adoption and continued to love the little girl, whom they knew could be taken away from them at any moment. “It was an incredibly stressful time that taught us how to pray. We understand lamentations,” he says. “The joy, the relief that finally came when the judge said she was legally ours was overwhelming.” Ten years after welcoming their daughter, Sydney, into their lives, a phone call expanded their family once again. “We got a call from a friend who said her daughter was pregnant and in jail. She asked if we could be of any help finding a place for the baby,” Gary says. After hanging up, he turned to his wife and asked, “Are you ready for a baby?” Months later, Gary and Vicki watched their new adoptive son come into the world. The hospital even prepared a room for them and had Vicki snuggle the newborn on her bare chest to encourage bonding. Concerned that the baby may have been exposed to harmful drugs while still in the womb, doctors kept the baby, Zach, in the hospital for five days to watch for withdrawal symptoms. Because of that concern, hospital staff also contacted CPS to check on the woman’s other three children. A few months later, a caseworker told the Flennikens they needed a home for Zach’s two older brothers, ages 2 and 3. And a few short months after that, their older sister, Kylah, who had been living with her grandmother, joined the family. In less than a year, their family grew from three to seven members. “I wouldn’t trade any of it,” Gary says. For the first time in our life, we’re looking for places where kids eat free on Tuesday nights.” They laugh a lot, but sometimes there are tears, too. “The 2-year-old had been burned in hot water and was just traumatized when we put him in the bathtub the first time,” Vicki recalls. While his older brother splashed and played in the water, the little one screamed, “Hot, hot! Burn, burn!” “For 14 days, he just screamed at bath time, and it broke my heart. The first time he took a bath and didn’t cry, it was amazing,” Vicki says. “It took 14 days for him to trust me. God makes these little people so trusting. We need to learn from that. You can start over, and life can be good again. Now when we say, ‘Hey, it’s bath time,’ he’s the first one running up the stairs.” Gary and Vicki expect there to be ups and downs as the children grow and bond with them, but, says Gary, “We are blessed beyond belief, and we want people to know that adopting is a way to bring joy not just to the child, but to the entire family. We couldn’t be happier.” Jenn Lim and Ton Hsieh: Happy at work A 2013 Gallup report, State of the American Workplace, shows that happy workers are good for business: They’re more productive, more loyal and make the office a more enjoyable place to work. Jenn Lim, chief happiness officer of the Zappos spinoff consulting group Delivering Happiness, can attest to that: She was instrumental in helping Zappos founder Tony Hsieh create an environment where employees feel respected, cared for and connected. In 2003, the company was growing and its customer service was unparalleled, but the culture needed some work. Tony suggested that Zappos should hire people whom existing employees might “also enjoy hanging out with after work,” he recalls in his book Delivering Happiness. A movement was born, starting with the development of 10 core values based on input from everyone in the company. Two of those values include “Build open and honest relationships with communication” and “Build a positive team and family spirit.” Living up to these core values is part of an employee’s job description. One of the most enduring aspects of Zappos’ culture—one that has defined it from the start—is its sense of connectedness. “We are more than just a team—we are a family,” Tony explains in Delivering Happiness, where he tells how this quality is driven home by Robin P., an employee who lost her husband very suddenly. Robin’s first phone call conveying the news was not to a relative, but to her employer, Zappos. “That one action made me realize the strong connection I felt with my co-workers and the Zappos culture. It was essentially my home away from home.” Zappos gave her the time she needed, volunteered to cater the funeral service, offered her a shoulder to cry on and was her “refuge” and “healing place.” “We watch out for each other,” Tony says in Delivering Happiness, “care for each other, and go above and beyond for each other, because we believe in each other and we trust each other. We work together, but we also play together. Our bonds go far beyond the typical co-worker relationships found at most companies.” Jenn echoes this sentiment. “A sense of connectedness, that is, meaningful relationships, is one of the most sustainable forms of happiness. Relationships matter because people don’t show up to work because they have to—but because they want to be with their friends, their tribe. And they matter because people tend to go above and beyond when they share mutual respect and trust.” This excerpt is from the book Live Happy: 10 Practices for Choosing Joy, available online and at bookstores near you. Deborah K. Heisz is the CEO and Editorial Director of Live Happy.

Podcast

Happiness in the Brain with Deborah Heisz

In this episode of the Live Happy Now podcast we geek out over the new issue of Live Happy magazine with Live Happy CEO and Editorial Director Deborah Heisz. Listen in as we preview four of the articles in this issue and explore the topic of happiness in the brain. What you'll hear in this podcast: How Mayim Bialik stays balanced with a busy schedule The importance of your vagus nerve to your happiness The value of friendship and healthy relationships How a community in Detroit has brought joy to the Eastern Market Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Purchase a subscription to Live Happy magazine Download Live Happy magazine on iTunes or Google Play

Lifestyle

Mayim Bialik Comes Clean in Latest Issue of Live Happy Magazine

Live Happy’s holiday December issue—its largest, most joy-filled and possibly the nerdiest to date—offers dozens of merry-making and entertainment suggestions as the winter party season approaches. It also reveals the captivating research behind what your brain looks like on happiness, sharing tips for readers to explore how meditation, sleep, food, smell and even language affect well-being. The issue also offers insight into the meaningful social connections in our lives and how giving according to our values brings joy and satisfaction. What’s buzzing around in Mayim’s brain? Actress Mayim Bialik not only plays a neurobiologist on the hit TV series, The Big Bang Theory—she actually earned a doctorate in neuroscience in real life. Mayim credits a talented tutor on the set of Blossom for inspiring her passion for science, and talks to Live Happy about her pride at hearing that young girls view her and her colleagues as positive role models for pursuing scientific careers. She also describes her “perfectly imperfect” life where doing laundry, washing dishes and home-schooling the kids brings daily joy and satisfaction. Is your dog happier than you? Dog whisperer and canine philosopher king Cesar Millan fills us in on how he maintains a happily balanced life (hint: being surrounded by dogs is a big part of it). What happens in vagus… If you think happiness is all in your mind, you’re on the right track. Live Happy takes the secrecy out of what goes on upstairs through the brain’s “love” or vagus nerve. We demonstrate happiness hacks from scientists and authors in each of five areas: meditation, sleep, food, language and even scents. Listen to Live Happy CEO and Editorial Director Deborah K. Heisz discuss the happiness and brain science in our latest Live Happy Now podcast! A new kind of community A new kind of communal living is popping up around the country. Not the hippie yurt camps of the 1970s, but a new take on the concept of a community that shares and looks out for one another yet still maintains a modern semblance of privacy and propriety. Writer Shelley Levitt gets an insider’s look at this relatively new phenomenon. Friendship: It's just what the doctor ordered In good times and bad times, friendships play a key part in our well-being. Find out about the latest research as well as moving stories that illuminate the central role that close bonds and social relationships play in our lives. From BFFs to workplace acquaintances, people need other people. Detroit’s thriving Eastern Market Our big cities sometimes get a bad rap. Find out about a thriving farmers market in the center of Detroit where everyone comes together to shop, eat local and share in good company. Plus you'll find four expert-tested gratitude rituals to amp up your well-being, and 33 can’t miss ideas for blowout fall and winter fun. Happy reading! Live Happy is available on newsstands at major retailers throughout the U.S., including Barnes & Noble, Whole Foods and Hudson News, and in Canada at Presse Commerce newsstands, among others. Live Happy’s award-winning digital edition is available from the App Store and on Google Play, and current subscribers receive complimentary access on their tablet devices and smartphones. Separate digital subscriptions are available for $9.99. To find out where you can find the print edition in a store or newsstand near you, go to magfinder.magnetdata.net.

Illustration of woman writing in gratitude journal.

Mindset

4 Gratitude Rituals to Increase Kindness and Joy

The holidays are a reminder to take inventory of all the blessings we have in our lives. Making gratitude a habit can have positive benefits to your own happiness as well as those around you by creating stronger bonds in your relationships, finding kindness in others and carving new “good mood” grooves into your brain. What’s more, these gratitude rituals are relatively simple to do and can be performed anywhere at any time. Here are a few tips for you to practice on your own or as a family. Ritual 1: Amazing Grace The dinner table is a great place to reflect and reinforce our feelings of gratitude. Before you break bread, start at one end of the table and encourage every person to share something they are thankful for in their lives. In Anne K. Fishel’s book Home for Dinner, she writes, “Rituals help create a shared family identity and sense of belonging.” By creating this time together, Anne says you can add meaning and stability to the family unit and set a positive tone for the rest of the meal. Ritual 2: Focus on the Haves Write down three positive things you are grateful for every night before you go to bed. Keeping a journal and a pen on the nightstand will serve as a reminder and help you establish this ritual. For the tech savvy, gratitude apps on your phone, such as Feed Your Happy and Gratitude Journal, are also a practical way to practice. Research shows that gratitude journaling can put you in a dramatically better mood and even prolong that feeling for weeks and months the more you practice. To beat the negativity bias, gratitude opens up your brain to attract positivity like bees to honey. Read more: Start a Journal, Change Your Life Ritual 3: The Write Stuff Think of someone in your life who has made a significant positive impact and write a letter expressing how much that person means to you. If possible, meet this person face-to-face and read the letter aloud. Notice the person’s reaction and savor those moments to recall in the future. Martin Seligman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and founding member of positive psychology, introduced this gratitude exercise to his students. The assignment has proven to be a powerful display of humanity and is now the most popular portion of his positive psychology course. Ritual 4: Thankful Awareness Try a new experience with the family and look for teachable moments, such as volunteering at a food bank or handing out gifts at a children’s hospital. Sometimes, the best way to appreciate all of the good in our own world is to take a moment to bear witness to the situations of those who are suffering. Gratitude in the face of adversity can help us weather the storms, provide a greater perspective to the plight of others and strengthen social bonds. Rick Hanson, Ph.D., author of Buddha’s Brain, says “sustained present moment awareness” can open our eyes to a world outside of our brains and help us “rest attention on the beneficial experiences of everyday life which are the building blocks of the inner strengths that we all want, like resilience, gratitude and love.” Read more: 8 Easy Practices to Enhance Gratitude Chris Libby is the Section Editor for Live Happy magazine.

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Positive Psychology

World Happiness Summit: What You Need to Know

The inaugural World Happiness Summit (WoHaSu) is on its way to Miami, March 17–19, just in time to celebrate the International Day of Happiness. Miami, named by Forbes magazine as “the happiest city to work in the United States,” will welcome thousands to its international gathering with the promise of Latin flair and fun that will include a main summit as well as government, corporate and academic tracks. Live Happy recently had the opportunity to talk with WoHaSu founder Luis Gallardo to find out more. Live Happy: What inspired you to create the World Happiness Summit (WoHaSu) and what is the focus of the summit? Luis Gallardo: The inspiration came from the realization that we are living in a moment when more and more people care about the well-being of others and are focusing on being, rather than doing. Being is related to the self and living our purpose, doing is related to what we do regardless of our purpose. This is the right time to build an event that focuses on something that is fundamental to everyone: developing, innovating and making society more sustainable and friendly—with the ultimate focus on being happy. If you look at nutrition, preventive medicine, corporate well-being, spirituality, financial well-being, positive psychology—there are so many people in the world doing an amazing job of provoking change. We want to bring them together but with a focus: discussing how we can be happier. It is important to understand that happiness is reached through a holistic combination of abstract elements, like mindfulness and virtue, and material elements like work, personal liberties, good governance and social bonds. We are creating a movement dedicated to increasing awareness on happiness as a life choice; WoHaSu is a new forum focused on how to improve GNH (Gross National and Personal Happiness) instead of GNP (Gross National Product). The same way the World Economic Forum was born 45 years ago to focus on the economy and corporations, we want to start a new movement to focus on happiness and people. New lenses are needed for a world in transformation. LH: Why do you think people today are increasingly interested in the pursuit of happiness? LG: The science of happiness is somewhat new, but the data is very definitive. Leading experts and thought leaders in the different disciplines that compose happiness agree that being wealthier, having more or achieving a task alone doesn’t seem to be fulfilling people or making them more productive and healthier, but happiness will help individuals achieve purpose and be more successful with a stronger sense of well-being. Richard Layard, the British economist, states it wisely: “The time is ready for radical cultural change, away from a culture of selfishness and materialism, which fails to satisfy, towards one where we care more for each other's happiness—and make that the guiding raison d'être for our lives.”' LH: Who should consider attending and what can they expect to experience? LG: Whether you’re an employer who understands the relationships between well-being and workforce performance, a nonprofit or international organization focused on positive outcomes in your development work, a government that wants to improve the economic health of a population, or simply an individual who wants to live better, the World Happiness Summit shines a spotlight on what matters most in people’s daily lives as a critical step toward personal fulfillment. It is an extraordinary occasion and platform to explore best practices, policies, challenges and partnerships around increasing happiness in our families, communities, cities and around the world. LH: Tell us more about the program for the main summit. LG: Feel, Understand and Act is the flow of the summit. We are creating an experience that touches all five senses and features the expertise and inspiration of speakers such as Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Shawn Achor, Sonja Lyubomirsky and Ismael Cala. We are also partnering with technology companies such as Plasticity Labs to expand the World Happiness Summit experience to an online year-round community and beloved brands such as Lululemon, a yoga-inspired athletic apparel company that plans to draw thousands of yoga practitioners to the event. LH: What are your goals for the event? LG: WoHaSuis more than a conference but the start of a global movementto increase awareness of the elements of happiness—and how to achieve them. Our goal is to educate and activate for happiness as a life choice and practice. The summit brings together scientists, psychologists, philosophers, spiritual leaders and cultural icons in a three-day conferencethat’s the first of its kind. LH: We heard a rumor that there will be yoga, Zumba and nightly dance parties with international music artists. Can you fill us in on some of the exciting details? LG: We will hold one of the biggest yoga activations on the beaches of Miami Beach and Zumba enthusiasts from around the world will participate in a huge dance party. Latin Grammy-award-winning composer and producer Kike Santander will curate nightly concerts that will enhance the party atmosphere. There will be time for introspection and time for expression. Happiness has to be shared and enjoyed. LH: How can Live Happy readers learn more? LG: Come to our website at HappinessSummit.world or happytimes.world to find out more. We are also active on social media; tweet us @WOHASU/#WOHASU. We hope you will join us in Miami! Donna Stokes is the Executive Editor of Live Happy magazine.

Lifestyle

Cesar Millan Still Leads the Pack

As Cesar Millan begins to talk about dogs, it hits you. The man isn’t really just talking about dogs at all. Ask him one question—any question—and the world-renowned animal behaviorist runs with it. By the end of the conversation, you realize your time with him has been a frolic through colorful psychological playgrounds, where Cesar loves to venture completely off-leash. “You want to know how dogs fit into a family dynamic? Through adaptability— adapting into an environment,” says Cesar, whose show Cesar 911 has fetched millions of viewers on Nat Geo Wild. “Because two different species—humans and canines—come together with the same goal, which is to have social interaction. “That is something that is so mechanically engineered inside of both species and that’s why we get along so well. Because we both have the ability to adapt. So, for me, adaptability is key. The other is the necessity of being part of a group. It doesn’t have to be the same group. It just has to be a group. We both need to belong to something.” Cesar's Way Cesar’s current television incarnation evolved after his immensely successful run on The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan, which debuted in 2004 on the National Geographic Channel. By the time the series ended in 2012, it aired in more than 80 countries and had transformed Cesar into a modern-day sage for dog owners—or really anyone with a penchant for personal growth. The goal of his current show follows similar suit, but Cesar wanted to take it to another level. “What I have showcased throughout my professional career, first and foremost, is that we don’t have problems with dogs,” he says. “Let’s not focus on training dogs. Let’s focus on training humans.” It’s a fabulous distinction to make and puts the focus on educating the dog owner about canine and human psychology. “Sometimes, humans take very drastic measures [with dogs],” he says. “My point of view is: Let’s show people how we can change a chaotic situation into a harmonious lifestyle. It doesn’t matter how bad you think things are. If you are willing to do what it takes, we can change the lifestyle of the dog.” Power of the pack Cesar often reveals that the power of the pack is a key component to rehabilitate a troubled dog. But in recent years, especially with his “Cesar Millan LIVE” seminars and on various episodes of Cesar 911, he educates audiences how that concept also works with humans. “They always say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it takes a group of humans to really help one or two humans do the right thing. [In some episodes] I am saying, ‘Listen, I already showed you how to rehabilitate dogs. Now, I am going to show you how to go after humans and rehabilitate them.’ ” All of this filters into Cesar’s signature purpose to illuminate what both species really need in order to live more enriching lives—“trust, respect and love,” he says. “The genuine side of love from a dog is important. They love who you are, as you are, not what you have. It really heals a lot of people, and motivates them to be inspired. It’s also very healing to the heart. I don’t think you can survive without loving somebody.” The road to happy Cesar’s love and commitment to canines soared when he was 13 years old. He was living in Mexico with his family, and he remembers wanting to be the best dog trainer in the world. Fate fueled that inner calling but it also offered him difficult challenges after he crossed the Mexican border into California at the age of 21. He found himself living on the streets of San Diego, nabbing as many jobs grooming dogs as he could. Eventually, he relocated to Los Angeles, where he launched a freelance dog rehabilitation service. People noticed something: Cesar’s calming effect on even the most challenging canines. “I don’t think it’s only with dogs,” he admits, charmingly. “It’s with any animal because I am just as respectful to a dog as I am to a horse, as I am to an elephant, as I am to a chicken. I think all animals know how to read ‘energy.’ ” As Cesar’s rehabilitation practice grew, it led to the opening of his first Dog Psychology Center, which eventually became the 43-acre Santa Clarita Valley ranch featured on both Dog Whisperer and Cesar 911. The haven now includes an area for sheep herding, air-conditioned kennels, a swimming pool, obstacle course and hiking trails. He says he is happiest at the ranch. “It was a dream of mine for some time,” he says, beaming. “It became the place where I can be me, where Mother Nature rules. A horse can run around with a dog, a chicken can run with a dog or a llama. It’s so genuine. The horse never cares if I bring pit bulls or Rottweilers or German shepherds. What he cares about is: Can that dog be respectful? “It always reminds me: ‘Let’s just keep everything harmonious and we can all get along.’” It’s all about energy The concept of energy—a vibe, for instance—is beguiling to explore with Cesar and it helps address the question of happiness. “Whatever energy you are emoting, dogs can feel it,” he says. “If you are fearful, you don’t have a billboard that says ‘I am afraid of dogs.’ You are just projecting fear. So if you are happy, then a dog will feel that happiness.” But can dogs actually feel happy on their own? Definitely. Cesar often expounds on this on his website, cesarsway.com. If a dog, with tail wagging, approaches its owner upon her return home, that’s happiness. After a meal, if a dog cuddles with its owner, that’s all about being content. Research backs the idea, too. In a brain-imaging study, scientists at Atlanta’s Emory University identified the part in a canine’s brain associated with positive emotions. Like humans, dogs have tremendous interspecies social intelligence and empathy. Happiness, it seems, is an equal-opportunity provider for both species. Leading With Purpose Cesar has created more than a dozen best-selling books, CDs and DVDs in addition to the television shows and website. The Cesar Millan PACK Project works to prevent euthanasia of shelter animals. It is designed to improve the health, happiness and harmony of dogs and people by allowing both species to learn from and support each other. He finds a tremendous sense of purpose helping people connect to animals and themselves. “It makes me feel more human,” he admits. “I always say, ‘The pack leader cannot do anything without the pack and the pack cannot do anything without the pack leader. Can we all be one, or one world? Every time you are sad or over-consume [on social media or material things], just go help somebody else and that sadness goes away. Everything that you want to do begins with you. It’s not a metaphor. It’s a reality.” Cesar credits his relationships with people—including his two sons (André, age 21, and Calvin, 17), and fiancée, Jahira Dar—and with canines (including his beloved pit bull Junior), with fueling his deeper personal growth. “I always tell my kids there are two lines—the right line and the wrong line,” Cesar says. “If you are in the middle…that means you are confused. My point is to guide them to make their own decisions and help them move through uncertainty more than anything. So I find inspiration in that. “I think I have become a better pack leader just by being very patient. I’m learning to be a father as I go along. When I was growing up, my grandfather said that the most important thing you have is your word. Now, for me, the most important thing you have is your energy. “That’s happiness to me. Can I be happy in that moment? Can I be love?” Greg Archer is a freelance journalist and author. His profiles have been featured in The Huffington Post and O, the Oprah Winfrey Magazine.

relationships

4 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship

My longtime friend Sara has been what most would call “happily married” for 10 years. She and her husband both work outside the home; they have one child and a couple of pets. Lately, she told me, she and her husband fall into bed at night, exhausted, and he leaves in the morning before she wakes up. Every weekend is filled with kid-related activities and household chores. Sara loves her husband but feels like they’ve become more roommates than partners. They rarely talk about anything other than “life logistics,” and their romantic life consists of an occasional goodbye kiss on the cheek or a tap on the shoulder. Don't neglect your primary relationship Sara’s situation is one I hear often in my practice as a therapist. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the chaos of everyday life that we miss out on truly connecting with our partners—the ones who we are supposed to connect with most! Based on my experience, the No. 1 reason couples disconnect is not because they’ve grown apart or are too busy but because they don’t invest the time and energy necessary to stay connected. The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia in a 2012 study tested the importance of being connected in a relationship. Specifically, they found that date nights and designated couple time improved the success and quality of a relationship and even worked toward reducing stress. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win Even small connections count Of course, many of the couples I speak to claim that they simply do not have time for quality couple time. While taking a vacation alone together or spending three or four hours out on a regular date night are lovely ideas, something simpler can work almost as well. I’ve found that couples who take 20 to 30 minutes to connect three times a week with no distractions and no electronic devices are able to build a greater bond and feel many of the benefits of those who invest more time. As a first step, grab a glass of wine or a cup of tea and sit together on your porch or tucked into bed and just talk about things you are interested in or excited about. Avoid stressful discussions about money or dirty dishes left in the sink. Relationships are like any other important living thing—they need to be attended to, nurtured and cared for in order grow and thrive. Here are four ideas for you to start down the path of reconnection. 1. Create rules of connection When life gets busy, making plans to connect on a regular basis is key to reigniting and maintaining your intimate relationship. One couple I know cuddles every morning and every night they are together. This has become part of their routine, and even though sometimes they are both tired or rushed they set the alarm five minutes early or go to bed five minutes later to make sure that this happens. Another couple always walks the partner who is leaving to the car and gives a parting hug and kiss at the car door. This one extra minute of time is a nice way to connect before heading in separate directions. 2. Build in spontaneity and adventure While scheduled “together time” is important, you can also mix it up and keep things exciting with activities that are fun and spontaneous. Surprise your partner with a gourmet breakfast in bed. Crank up some great music and have an impromptu dance party in the middle of the kitchen. If you are more adventurous, train together for a marathon or try river rafting or bungee jumping as a weekend outing. 3. Make flirtation and intimacy a priority Send each other flirty texts or look through old photos of when you first met. Plan a date to go bowling or cruise Main Street to relive some of your first outings together. When it comes to sex and intimacy, find time for moments when you allow yourselves to get close physically—even if it is simply giving each other shoulder massages before bed. Couples always ask me about my view on scheduled intimacy, and I tell them that scheduled closeness is much better than no physical closeness at all! 4. Be interesting and interested One great way to connect with your partner is to be genuinely interested in what that person is thinking, feeling and doing. When your mate is in the mood to talk, ask questions, discuss favorite activities or what funny thing happened at work that day. Another great way to connect is to be interesting. Have a variety of topics to talk about, tell a great story about an experience you had in the past or in the present. People get so wrapped up in the monotony of their days, they come home from work and start the conversation with “I had a long day” or “what do you want for dinner?” Not very romantic. Try engaging with something like, “I read the most amazing story in the news today” or “where would you go if you could be anywhere right now?” With all our commitments to work, kids, finances and fitness regimes, it can be dangerously easy to neglect our relationships with our partners. Make time to engage, touch, talk, listen and, most of all, connect. Read more by Stacy Kaiser: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Listen to our podcast with Stacy: The Perfect Parent Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

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Self-Care

How Well Do You Love Yourself?

Few of us will forget our adolescent years. The emotional meltdowns, the deep friendships, the risks we took, the first love, that first kiss…. Adolescence is a vivid time when your budding sense of self begins to emerge. You learn to express your own ideas and discover your unique identity as your brain laboriously integrates its many parts into a coherent whole. This process doesn’t happen overnight—nor does it end with the much glorified coming of age at 18. Right until your twilight years, you continue to traverse stages of adult development that allow you to grow in consciousness and change the way you relate to yourself and the world. The socialized mind But adolescence is a crucial time in development, when you navigate the critical stage of the socialized mind. That means leaving the nest of your nuclear family to become much more outwardly focused. The interpersonal relationships of your teenage years are critical. Friendships, mentors and crushes reign supreme and help you determine who you are. But since this socialized mind is heavily influenced by people and places, you must rely on your internal voice to help you maneuver through the noise of external expectations. For some, this does not come easily—an adolescent inner voice may not be that well developed, or it may have been negatively influenced already by outside input. And if that weren’t difficult enough, once your brain has painstakingly bridged together a cohesive identity, you rarely escape the destructive barbs of your own critical gaze and negative internal chatter. The formation of your 'self' Your relationship with yourself begins before you even realize it—in the verbal and non-verbal language of your primary caregivers. What you believe to be self-expression is often the expectations and inhibitions developed as a child when you made sense of your internal world through the messages you received. And when these messages are inconsistent, critical or unresponsive—as they often are—you can fail to connect to your emotional cues and to what makes you truly who you are. Instead, you reject parts of yourself you don’t like in order to find acceptance in the sticky tentacles of other people’s expectations. Instead of relying on your own judgment, and going after your deeply desired dreams, you become an eternal prisoner of the socialized mind. Your relationships with others A hollow relationship with yourself reflects in the relationships you form with others. Without a grounding belief in your own worth, you become dependent on approval and acceptance to prove your worth. Even narcissistic behaviors are often a kind of self-defense that masks a fragile sense of self-worth. Since healthy relationships are the marker of countless benefits—from physical health to finding meaning in life—you need to get back in touch with yourself. Here are three important ways to do so: 1. Listen to your body You are hardwired through millennia of evolutionary processes to avoid painful and uncomfortable feelings and emotions. But in doing so, you can become victim to those same emotions and impulses. The ability to face your fears and then rise above them comes not only from cognitive processes but also from deep within your body. The powerful vagus nerve meanders through your gut and heart and back to your brain, allowing you to have gut feeling and intuition. Body scan meditations are excellent ways to reconnect to parts of yourself you’ve dismissed—letting their wisdom find voice again. Create a regular practice that gets you back in touch with your breath and clears your mind and body. 2. Be aware of your mind The human brain is a storyteller. It is constantly looking for patterns and connecting the dots to make sense of the unpredictability and uncertainty of life. And here’s the strange part—the brain doesn’t really care if the story it crafts is painful or incorrect. All it looks for is a pattern, even if this pattern is the result of biased observations and interpretations. Which is why you need to listen to its story with non-judgment, and stay aware of where your mind may be fooling you. In this way, you can listen to the negative chatter in your mind and choose to dismiss it. You can watch your brain seek to connect dots and be aware of what it is doing but not become trapped in its game. 3. Find your North Star Your behaviors are the result of your thoughts, beliefs and emotions. When you do not step back to objectively listen to your internal chatter, you allow it to run your life. To have an alternate route in place, spend some time reflecting on how you want to show up in the world in line with your values and aspirations. Values are a guiding light during those difficult moments when you doubt yourself, feel ambivalent about decisions or worry about being unsupported and rejected and thus leave your dreams aside for one more day. Write down your most deeply held values and ask yourself if you are living according to them. If not, what can you change in your life? How might you do things differently? How can you live your life in accordance with your authentic self? Your relationship with yourself is undoubtedly the most important relationship in your life. To show up fully and shine your brightness in this world, disconnect from the constraints of approval of others and reconnect to the gifts of your inner core. For an authentic life is far above and beyond the limited life of a threatened ego. Homaira Kabir is a positive psychology coach and a cognitive behavioral therapist. She offers online courses and coaching programs to help women develop authentic beliefs in themselves, so they'reable to lead in relationships, at work and in life. Take her free quiz to find out your own level of self-worth.

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