You searched for relationships | Page 22 of 52

Let’s Be Civil

The bride and groom look lovingly at each other, savoring their special moment. Guests listen with quiet attention as the priest begins to read the wedding vows. And…is that the theme from Super Mario Bros. or just one of Samsung’s standard ringtones? Not only did a guest’s cellphone ring in the middle of wedding vows, according to a post on the Facebook page of The New York Times weekly etiquette column “Social Q’s,” but the guilty party went ahead and answered it. This anecdote prompted a series of tut-tuts, jokes and OMGs from the page’s followers, including a comment from one woman who sheepishly admitted that her own phone had recently gone off, to her mortification, at a memorial service. We can laugh, shake our heads and discreetly check to make sure our own phones are on vibrate—but the fact is, lack of civility has become a staple of modern life. In Civility in America VII: The State of Civility, an annual survey by the PR firm Weber Shandwick and Powell Tate with KRC Research, 75 percent of respondents agree that incivility has reached crisis levels in America. Whether at work, waiting in an airport security line, on social media or when dealing with neighbors, rudeness, bullying and obnoxious behavior are ever-present. And if you are an immigrant, woman or person of color, according to the report, you’ll probably get more than your share. We can do something to turn the tide, however. With our discourse and behavior as a model, we can create ripples of kindness, compassion and civility that radiate outward to family, co-workers and the community to counteract the stress hormones from negative interactions that wreak havoc on happiness and health. When we interact with others, we make a choice about how to comport ourselves. Will it be a neutral exchange, a microaggression of incivility or what psychology professor Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., calls “positivity resonance,” a positive moment shared between two people. In her book Love 2.0, Barbara, one of the pioneers of positive psychology, explains that these moments of positivity resonance can release the hormone oxytocin in the brain, and have the potential over time to change your life. “They forge new coalitions with strangers, advance your acquaintanceships into friendships and cultivate even deeper intimacy in your most cherished intimate relationships,” she writes. Alternatively, if you approach these small moments with incivility or lack of empathy, you unleash anger, contempt and the hormone cortisol, which can lead to stress, social isolation and a greater risk of heart disease and stroke. Looked at through this lens, civility is essential to our health. The word civility comes from the Latin word civitas, or “good citizenship”—the set of rules and mores that binds together a community. According to Daniel Buccino, director of the Johns Hopkins Civility Initiative, “much of our quality of life depends on the quality of our relationships at home and at work. Civility gives us the skills to be a good person, a good employee, a good family member. When civil discourse starts to break down, the sense of community can erode; people get more disconnected.” This kind of disconnect can happen anywhere, whether you are traveling, at home in your neighborhood or interacting online or at the workplace. Sideline Work Stress Christine Porath, an associate professor of management at Georgetown University and author of the book Mastering Civility, researches incivility at work and its costs in productivity and profitability. Uncivil behavior at work has become more pervasive in recent years, Christine says, due in part to the rise of digital technology. “Email is a huge issue. There are a lot of misunderstandings that can happen because you don’t have tone of voice or eye contact,” she says. On top of that, “people feeling like they are not being listened to because bosses and co-workers are looking at cellphones instead.” But the main driver of rude behavior, says Christine, is not technology, it is stress. “When I ask people why they do it [behave in an uncivil manner], more than 60 percent say they are stressed or overwhelmed. When you are feeling that way, you are not going to be as mindful.” Many employees, says Christine, “feel belittled, undermined or disrespected by their bosses.” This in turn has a negative impact on productivity. In a 2016 paper in the Journal of Applied Psychology, Michigan State University professor Russell Johnson, Ph.D., and colleagues found that those who experienced rude behavior at work felt depleted, and “this mental fatigue, in turn, led them to act uncivil to others.” In other words, incivility is contagious and costly. The same study found workplace incivility has doubled over the past two decades and cost companies “an average of $14,000 per employee due to loss of production and work time.” Companies lose out when workers expend an inordinate amount of time and energy processing and responding to these incivilities, while teamwork and collaboration suffer and turnover increases, Christine says. Travel Troubles While one-third of people surveyed in the Civility in America study say they have experienced uncivil behavior at work, 56 percent say they have experienced incivility on the road. “Road rage is the classic example of how stress and anonymity are two of the main drivers of incivility,” says Daniel. “Everyone is locked in their own little car, everyone is stuck in traffic and can’t get anywhere.” And it’s not just rush-hour traffic that brings out the worst in us. Airplane behavior has become so bad that it is now fodder for viral videos and late-night punchlines. Long security lines, delays, overbookings and anxiety about flying contribute to an overwhelming amount of stress, which then erupts into a shock of uncivil behavior. On one flight from Dallas to Montreal, according to a Live Happy business traveler, a man who needed overhead compartment space simply tossed other passengers’ luggage to the floor and dared anyone to defy him. On a flight from Philadelphia to San Francisco, Heather Puerzer’s tearful 5-year-old daughter had to sit by herself when a woman refused to switch one window seat for another so her mother could sit next to her. The layer of anonymity—knowing that we will not see these people again, or be held responsible for our actions—lends itself to a level of incivility you would not see in other situations. Be a Good Neighbor When it comes to your neighbors, you will have to see them again. And yet there seems to be a disintegration of discourse in our own communities, as well. According to the Civility in America survey, 25 percent of respondents have personally experienced incivility in their own neighborhoods. “It’s worth reaching out and getting to know the neighbors,” Daniel says. Yes, we are busy, we are working and don’t have time to hang out chatting on the front stoop. “But people are still making the effort to have a sense of community,” he says, “because at the end of the day, people feel a need to belong.” One way neighbors can easily do that is through social media platforms like Nextdoor.com and private Facebook pages. But according to Amy Blankson, author of The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-Being in the Digital Era, these platforms can be spaces not only for connection and sharing but also of dissent and bullying. A neighborhood social media page, like a neighborhood itself, is a place where a disparate group of people are thrown together, linked by nothing more than geography—not kinship, not political allegiance, not musical taste. “People are finding lost dogs or making friends [on these pages], and that is beautiful,” says Amy. “I would never want to give that up.” But things can go sour, online and off. Most of us have experienced incivility close to home. According to Margaret Pearson, when one of her neighbors in suburban Boston grew tired of his other neighbor’s dog doing his business on his lawn, instead of speaking to the neighbor, he scooped up the poop and put it in her mailbox. “I believe it’s very important to stay civil, even in the face of other people’s incivility,” says Daniel, who calls this “living one step beyond the Golden Rule—thinking about others first.” What does this mean in practice, when it comes to our neighbors’ barking dogs, our street’s limited parking spots, the tree hanging into our yard? “Think of it this way,” explains Daniel, “even if I would not mind someone practicing drums at 10 p.m., my neighbor might, so maybe I should restrain myself.” Try approaching your neighbor with compassion and the benefit of the doubt. “We want to aspire to not give our power away to someone else and not get pulled down to someone else’s level.” Keep Calm Online How can we pull ourselves out of this spiral of incivility? Some things, such as the stress of work, a mobile society and new technology are here to stay. But the way we respond and engage with them is up to us. On social media, Daniel says, “Don’t participate, don’t instigate, don’t inflame. When tempted to write that angry email, try to not say anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.” In real-life discussion, if things get heated, “you should back away,” Daniel advises. “If someone says something offensive, you can say ‘Ouch. That hurts me.’ Or ‘I didn’t appreciate that comment about me, or my co-worker.’ You don’t have to let it slide by unnoted.” But don’t escalate it into a fight. One thing you can do right away to increase civility: unless you are waiting for a kidney, put away the phone. “In the workplace, just having your phone in your field of vision decreases your focus, productivity and connectedness,” says Amy, citing a study from the McCombs School of Business at The University of Texas at Austin. In fact, we often relate to our phones instead of each other. A 2013 survey of cellphone users found that 72 percent of respondents were never more than 5 feet from their phones, and 33 percent thought it was OK to use on a dinner date. We use it in the shower (12 percent), and even during sex (9 percent). Suddenly the phone ringing at the wedding doesn’t seem so crazy. “We need to put these devices down to get that face-to-face contact,” Amy says. “It’s a new challenge.” Putting down the phone is the first step toward being present with each other. What Barbara found (and documented in Love 2.0) is that practicing loving-kindness meditation (LKM) regularly also greatly increases the chances of having a deeply positive interaction with strangers and loved ones alike. When you are at work and get a terse email, get cut off in traffic…stop and take a deep breath. “Just because someone else is rude and disrespectful doesn’t mean we should be,” Daniel says. “It’s difficult not to…but because we respect ourselves and others and are trying to teach our children a virtuous way in the world, we want them to see us choosing civility.” Think the situation through: Is it really that important? What if you let the other driver go ahead of you? If you don’t respond to the email? “We stay civil, not because others always are, but because we are,” Daniel says. People always say incivility is worse than ever, he says, but don’t necessarily think of ways they could help the situation. Instead, we could focus on being part of the solution. Simple Ways to Spread Civility 1. Smile and greet people warmly. 2. Listen and be present. 3. Say “I’m sorry.” 4. Don’t blame others. 5. Find possibilities, not problems. 6. Respect others’ opinions. 7. Be willing to explain your point of view. 8. Express thanks. 9. Say “You’re welcome” and not “It was nothing” or “No problem” when someone thanks you. 10. Exercise empathy. Source: Johns Hopkins Civility Initiative Emily Wise Miller is the Web Editor for Live Happy.

Fun people gather for happiness festival

Education

World Happiness Fest: Summit Promises Inspiration, Relaxation

Luis Gallardo, an author and entrepreneur, created the organization bé and the World Happiness Fest to help build a community of more than 1 billion happy people within 10 years. On March 16-18, Luis invites all happiness seekers to join him in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, for hands-on learning sessions, music and meaningful studies. Live Happy: What makes the World Happiness Festival stand out? Luis Gallardo: This festival focuses on creating an experiential learning community. Science, technology, music, art, gastronomy, intention, reflection and movement are all ingredients of a unique experience with happiness and well-being at its heart. All the senses will be activated with experiences that range from heart coherence to positive education, from mindful eating to the impact of music and frequencies on our emotions. How did you choose San Miguel de Allende, Mexico as the location, and what will the city add to the event? San Miguel has been ranked as one of the best small cities in the world. It combines the roots and cultural heritage of ancient civilizations with a vibrant artistic community. We are creating the World Happiness Fest as a permanent retreat center called “The Happiness Academy,” where we’ll have monthly gatherings focused on experiencing the roots of happiness and well-being with the top masters in the world. Why is it important for happiness to be developed at all levels of society? Thomas Jefferson once said, “Our greatest happiness does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has placed us, but is always the result of a good conscience, good health, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits.”Individual happinesshas extensive benefits, including improving a person’s physical health, providing more motivation to accomplish goals, and increased determination and energy to achieve tasks throughout the day. However, when happy individuals unite, that group will produce robust results. Who are some of the highlighted speakers at the festival? Saamdu Chetri, Raj Raghunathan, Maureen Healy, Khedrup Rinpoche, Gaby Vargas plus more than 40 international guides and masters from more than 20 countries. What else would you like us to know about the event? Society moves at such a fast pace. We all have long to-do lists and the pressure to do more in less time. When we become so caught up in those moments, we don’t focus on our relationships, our well-being and our happiness. When we stop tocreate meaningful experiences, we allow ourselves time to relax, to build connections and to become our best selves. This is simply a vital step in the process to achieve full happiness. That’s what World Happiness Fest is about. After San Miguel de Allende we’ll keep building experiential communities around the world. In June, Spain; October, Colombia and Brazil; with Guatemala, France and the United States to follow. Go to happinessfestival.world for more information. Enter code LIVEHAPPY for a 20% discount on festival passes.

relationships

4 Ways to Beat Loneliness

In a world with more than 7 billion people, it’s hard to imagine that loneliness—a loss of connection from people and self—could be a problem. But new research indicates loneliness and social isolation may now be bigger health hazards than obesity or smoking, and the problem is likely to get worse. About 42.6 million U.S. adults over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness, according to a 2010 AARP study. Jeremy Nobel, M.D., of the Harvard Medical School in the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine, points out that the problem isn’t about spending time alone, which can have mental health benefits. People can feel lonely in a crowd or even in a marriage. He defines loneliness as having a gap or a feeling that something is missing. It’s an “emotional connection that you desire that is not present to you,” Jeremy says. “And it turns out that discomfort is toxic at a neurophysiological level.” How did we get here? Jeremy believes increases in divisiveness and technological convenience are partially to blame. “One way I often describe it is that you might have 600 friends on Facebook,” Jeremy says, “but who is bringing you dinner if you are sick?” Keeping robust and meaningful social networks is crucial to maintaining health and happiness.” Lonely people are less likely to be involved in social events, have fewer friends and deep relationships and could even face an earlier death than their social counterparts. Jeremy says there is growing research that shows loneliness contributes to substance abuse, depression, anxiety, suicide, cancers and cardiovascular disease. Happy Connections, Happy Health Jude Marie Goudreau, a 50-year-old mother and grandmother from West Palm Beach, Florida, wasn’t going to let the fact that she was a single empty nester keep her from enjoying life. “I needed more people to interact with. I found myself home talking to the cat often and I realized that it was kind of a sad story,” she says. “I started a Meetup group hoping to meet people to do things with and to prevent other people from sitting at home talking to the cat.” Her Meetup group, Middle Age Fun, launched in August of 2017 and quickly grew to more than 80 members. She was shocked that so many people—ranging in age from 40 to 80—signed up for the group and said people seemed eager to mix and mingle. “So far, I have had the most success with coffee hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and brunches on Sunday mornings,” she says. “We have been doing card games and game nights, too.” Jude Marie says she believes an active mind is a healthy mind. She witnessed family members decline rapidly after retirement, an effect she attributes to inactivity. “If you are happy, then you are healthy and if you are healthy, you definitely live longer,” she says. “If you are home alone and don’t have any contact with other people, you feel rejected and sad.” Eric Kim, Ph.D., a research fellow in the Department of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, says social connections can help you bounce back from life’s curveballs. His research shows that social cohesion, even at the neighborhood level, is linked to better health outcomes and behaviors, especially with older adults. Those contacts can share very useful information, such as recommending a great physician. “They help you in very practical ways,” he says. “If you just had surgery, they can bring in the mail or groceries and even provide emotional support.” Relationships can also have negative effects, he points out, but if we have positive connections, it can go a long way to improving quality of life. The study "Interpersonal Mechanisms Linking Close Relationships to Health” finds that close relationships are crucial to health and well-being, as well as longevity. Social connections help buffer stress, lower cortisol and reduce risk of illness. Being socially connected can also help in areas of personal growth including finding love and intimacy. Digital Doldrums It’s not just older people who can fall victim to social isolation. A recent survey commissioned by online messaging business solutions provider LivePerson discovered that nearly 70 percent of young people would prefer to communicate digitally. Another study from the Center for Research on Health Care at the University of Pittsburgh says that people who spend at least two hours a day on social media are twice as likely to show signs of social isolation than those who only spend 30 minutes a day. Possible emotional triggers of jealousy and exclusion can be spurred by continuously looking at the carefully staged lives of others. Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D., a board certified cognitive behavioral clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy, says that spending more time online reduces actual face time with other people. “When we feel tired and it’s freezing outside, it’s certainly much less effortful to lie on the couch and swipe through social media to catch up on the latest news, both in the world and in your personal circles,” she says. “That said, keeping up with people in this passive way takes a toll on our sense of connection. To feel close, we need to put in time, energy and courage.” Here are a few tips to connect with the world around you. Caring for Others: Eric Kim, Ph.D., notes that volunteering is an excellent way for people like recent retirees to meet new people and stay active. “Volunteering can actually have many health benefits, because we are engaging in healthier behaviors,” he says. “MRI studies show cognitive decline at a much lower pace.” Touch Over Tech: Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D., recommends using technology as a tool to make plans to meet up rather than replacing socialization. “If there’s an activity you’d find meaningful regardless of whether or not you meet good people, like a book club or volunteer group, that may be a great place to find someone with similar interests.” Self-Care: Jeremy Nobel, M.D., says sharing your story through creative expression can help you connect with yourself and other people. You can use the creative arts to find your mission, purpose and meaning. “What we are very confident about is that creative expression allows people to find, shape and share a personal narrative…a story about who they are and what matters to them.” Reconnect: “If you want more close friends but don’t know where to find them, take a couple of minutes and consider people you may have lost touch with who you can reach out to, or activities you love where you can [meet] people who share your passions,” Jennifer says. Listen to our podcast with Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D. here:

Practice

Get Into Mindful Running

Dynamic Running Therapy (DRT), a program developed by psychotherapist and author William Pullen, combines exercise, talk therapy and mindfulness. In his new book, Running With Mindfulness, William lays out a step-by-step process for you to work through low moods or magnify the highs. “Often people talk about running as a creative pursuit or something that can give you answers, and it definitely does that for me,” William says. “It makes sense of things and puts things in their rightful place.” Either solo or with a partner, DRT gets you moving and connected when you are feeling stuck. It is easy to try, anyone can do it and there is no wrong way to practice. If you do choose to run with a partner, make sure it is someone with whom you are comfortable sharing the details of your life. William suggests choosing a topic or question of concern such as working through anxiety or anger or managing the relationships in your life. Ground yourself. William’s first step, the grounding process, is a call to mindfulness that includes four stages: scans of body, environment and emotions as well as priming, which is what you want to get out of the session. Move with intention. William stresses that DRT is not an exercise routine, although the exercise is a bonus. DRT does not require you to be in great shape, but it is critical to start outside to connect with nature. “Don’t worry about the weather, you run through that,” he says. “Don’t worry if you don’t finish a session, just get out there with a good intention and see what happens. Do the best you can and try to push yourself a little bit.” Time for reflection. Next, in William’s book or your own journal, write about your experience. Notice any progress and try to express how you feel about it. He describes progress during a run as “fantastic and profound moments” of clarity that will soon make you more comfortable with your feelings and help you to better understand yourself. The reward is gradual and part of the journey of discovery. Chris Libby is the Section Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Well-Being

7 Ways to Find Happiness in 2018

The new year is an opportunity for a fresh start andan opportunity for reflection on what we can do to make 2018 a truly great year. Regardless of our life circumstance, what we all really want for ourselves and our families is to be happy. Weoften think external conditions like making more money,losing weight or finding the “right” mate will lead us to happiness. But researchers in the field of positive psychology have shown that happiness is an internal choice built on practice. In other words, sustainable happiness is achievable by practicing data-based tools that change our mindset and, over time, develop new neural pathways. We have control over what we choose to do and think. According to top positive psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky and others, approximately 50 percent of variance in happiness is determined by genes and 10 percent is determined by circumstances;automatically, we have the power to influence 40 percent. Most significantly, happiness presupposes success, not the other way around. According toKaren Guggenheim, CEO of WOHASU, producer of the World Happiness Summit,“This new mindset can have positive consequences in every facet of our lives. Science tells us that we become more capable to problem solve in a state of happiness than under stress, and that we also elevate our levels of resiliency when things don’t happen as we expected and we then need to enlist our coping skills.Being happier even makes our work product better.” For a better 2018, WOHASU suggests these seven keys to happinessto improve your new year. 1. Gratitude Take some time out of your day to notice the world around you and appreciate the people you’re grateful for. Send your parents a text or write a list of all the good things in your life. 2. Ambition Set challenging—but still achievable—goals to work toward and be open to learning new things. Try volunteering your time, energy and skills to contribute to something bigger. 3. Resilience Find the strength to bounce back and push through the obstacles that life throws your way and keep a positive mindset. For Karen Guggenheim, the loss of her husband and the father of her children turned her world upside down. However, she found a way to push through: “Once I realized that I had to live, I made the very conscious choice that I was going to live happy. Be an active participant in your life, and whenever possible choose to disrupt in a positive way.” 4.Physical well-being Make sure you take care of your body; practice healthy eating habits, exercise and incorporate physical activities regularly to boost your physical and mental health. Keep moving! 5. Acceptance Be comfortable with who you are and accepting of other people and ideas around you. According toMegan McDonough, CEO of Wholebeing Institute,“We can only make a choice when we see more than one option. Practice perspective.” 6. Mindfulness Practicing mindfulness daily allows you to focus on the present and what’s happening in the moment. “Increased focus on present moment prevents us from spending all our time in the past, ruminating and regretting, or in the future, inventing hypothetical anxiety-provoking scenarios,” according to an article inTheBerkeley Science Review. 7. Giving Whether it’s a stranger or a longtime friend, never hesitate to do something kind for someone else. Caring and doing for others helps strengthen relationships and build stronger connections with those around us. World-renowned researchers and experts on the science of happiness, United Nations Advisors, life coaches, business and civic leaders, and many more will share actionable tools on increasing happiness atthe experiential2018 World Happiness Summit, from March 16–18in Miami. Visit the websiteto learn more about WOHASU’s proven platform to help people learn how to create happier lives. Learn about speakers, live events and how happiness can impact your life. The World Happiness Summit is the first large-scale global event uniting individuals and leading happiness and well-being experts in athree-day experiential forum about advancing human happiness through science-based tools and daily practices.

science

You Are What You Tweet

Margaret “Peggy” Kern doesn’t need to meet you to know how happy you are, or to get an idea of how good your physical health is. She doesn’t have to look at a photo of you or consult a crystal ball; she just needs to spend some time with your social media posts. “Words reveal so much about us,” says Peggy, senior lecturer at the Centre for Positive Psychology at the University of Melbourne’s Graduate School of Education in Australia. She earned her master’s and doctorate’s degrees in social/personality psychology at the University of California, Riverside, before pursuing additional postdoctoral work at the University of Pennsylvania. “We consistently see the effects of using certain types of language. If people use a lot of hostile language, they tend to have poor relationships, and they have bad habits such as smoking.” Peggy is one of the researchers on the World Well-Being Project at the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center, which measures psychological and physical well-being based on the analysis of language used in social media. Research results showed that people who used agreeable words were less likely to be depressed, while those who talked about pain were more likely to experience depression. In one study, for example, social media users whose posts were dominated by hostile and apathetic words, such as “hate” and “bored,” and cursing showed high risk for atherosclerotic heart disease, while those who used positive words like “wonderful” and “friends” consistently showed lower risk. “The differences are really surprising,” Peggy says. “It’s amazing how quickly you can make a story about someone’s life based on the language they use.” Which Came First? What the research can’t tell us about the subjects studied through the World Well-Being Project is whether negative language was already in place before their physical and mental health were affected, or if a diminished state of health and happiness led to the use of negative language. Peggy says both scenarios are possible. “Language reveals who you are, but it also impacts who you are,” she says. “As you use language and it becomes more and more a part of you, it influences who you are and how you think.” Joseph Cardillo, Ph.D., author of Body Intelligence: Harness Your Body’s Energiesfor Your Best Life, says that words have more power than we might realize, and using them affects us as well as having an impact on the people around us. “If we are constantly using dark or negative language, it’s not just about the words—it’s that we feel negative, too,” he explains. For example, if you frequently say you are “sick and tired” of one thing or another, you’re sending a message to your brain, which will react accordingly. “Our brain understands patterns. So if you keep telling your brain these things, then that pattern becomes your brain wave activity. And then you are sick. Or you’re tired. And you have more stress and more anxiety, and it affects your higher-level thinking and problem solving. In the end, it influences your relationships.” The words we use, Joseph notes, are not only an indication of how we feel, but also a map to where we are headed. “The good news is, you can pay attention to the words you use and possibly avoid getting into problems down the road. Your words will tell you what things are draining our energy and which things are boosting them. It’s not just the words, it’s about looking at where those words are coming from and what that’s doing to us.” The Power of Words There’s also proof from the medical community that words are strong influencers of our mental state. In their book Words Can Change Your Brain, Andrew Newberg, M.D., and Mark Robert Waldman illustrate how the use of certain words can change the brain structures of both the person talking and of those listening. Positive words, their research found, strengthened areas in the brain’s frontal lobe and promoted cognitive brain function. Negative or hostile words, on the other hand, triggered the release of neurochemicals designed to protect us from stress. When those words are processed by the amygdala—our fear center—it sounds the alarm, shutting down our frontal lobe activity and triggering the fight-or-flight response. Just a single word, they write, can influence the physical and emotional stress response. “Words are energetic,” Joseph adds. “First of all, the sound itself is energetic. And then that release of energy impacts the other person.” He suggests putting more thought into what words we use to help create more positive situations and outcomes. “It’s a form of mindfulness we can all practice,” he says. Rethinking Our Talk Knowing how much words can influence the way we think and how they affect others gives us an opportunity to change. Peggy, who has lived both in the U.S. and abroad, says that even the way the evening news is presented has an effect on well-being and mindset. “In the States, every broadcast begins with the words, ‘breaking news,’ ” she says. “So immediately it sends people into crisis mode. It becomes a language that impacts our well-being. Changing the language we use can change the culture and create a positive impact.” Becoming aware of it is the first step, according to Peggy. “We certainly see from neuroscience the idea that growth can happen if you practice something over and over. We can rewire our brains in some ways, but it takes time and it’s constant,” she says. “This is about a pattern you create over a long period of time.” Paula Felpsis the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Podcast

Mindful Dating with Ken Page

Ken Page is a well-known psychotherapist and blogger for both Psychology Today and The Huffington Post who specializes in topics related to intimacy and spirituality. In his best-selling book, Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, he teaches readers how to find lasting, more fulfilling relationships. What you'll learn in this episode: The common myths about dating that interfere with our relationships The two different types of attraction Why self-love is so important in our relationships Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Purchase his book Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. Download his free eBook: Four Insights to transform Your Search for Love

relationships

The Art of Mindful Dating

Ken Page, a psychotherapist and the author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, has devoted his career to helping people fall in love—the deep, committed, mutual kind of love that lasts a lifetime. And he has come to a blunt realization: “We’re victims of terrible information. We’re told that the great secret to finding love is making yourself more desirable, more attractive. But, in reality, that’s painful and self sabotaging because you’re focusing on what’s not good enough about yourself and that leads you to date from a place of profound insecurity.” A far better alternative, Ken says, is making the search for love a mindful undertaking, one that begins with self-acceptance and moves forward with openness and authenticity. “When you change the way you behave on dates and learn to lead with your true self, your luck changes. Love is what happens when you share your deepest gifts with bravery and generosity.” Here’s how to apply the principles of mindfulness to the search for love: Set Your Intention Write a brief mission statement on why this journey matters to you, says Ken. A mission statement might include statements like, “I want a life of shared adventures” or “I want a sense of family in the world.” Juliet Kaska was in her mid-30s with a highly successful career as a Los Angeles Pilates instructor when she decided to take a dating sabbatical. She had had an active but unsatisfying romantic life with, she says, “a smorgasbord of men.” Through sessions with a therapist and daily meditation, Juliet explored whether she wanted to get married and what she was looking for in a husband. Juliet realized she wanted a mate who had, she says, “a successful life.” That meant, yes, an established career, but also hobbies, interests, friendships, a family life. Out went her on-again-off-again relationships with men who were fun but had no interest in settling down. Several months later, Juliet dove back into the dating world. Listen to our podcast with Ken Page here: It felt different this time. “Because I knew what I wanted; I wasn’t going into dates worried that what he wanted was someone younger or skinnier. The insecurity was lifted and that made dating light and fun and interesting.” In December 2013, Juliet met Simon, a movie producer who is originally from South Africa. “With Simon there was a connection that was otherworldly, and he was the kindest human being I’d ever met. I knew.” In June 2017, Juliet and Simon married in the coastal city of Durban, South Africa. “I’d gotten that internal voice that says you’re not good enough, you can’t get what you want, you don’t deserve it to finally pipe down,” Juliet says. When you’re ready to get started on your own love quest, Ken suggests this micro-meditation. Take two or three minutes to evoke a few of the people who have loved you the most. “They may be alive or not,” he says, “but they are still close to your heart and they would want the best for you, including a relationship that brings you happiness.” Visualize their faces as you imagine them offering words of encouragement. “Let their support infuse you,” Ken says. Stay in the Present When you’re eager for a committed relationship, it’s easy to become so focused on conjecture about a possible future with the person you’re dating that you undermine the chances of achieving a genuine connection. “That’s when your date turns into a job interview,” says Judith Sills, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage. “Instead of trying to interrogate a prospective partner, let yourself experience him or her the way you experience your friends. You’re really just trying to have a lovely conversation where you can exchange ideas in an easy, relaxed way. It’s not about, ‘Should I rule you out as a lifetime companion?’” Forget, “What happened with your last marriage?” or “How many serious relationships have you had?” or “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Instead, opt for neutral, open-ended questions about, say, a recent vacation, a new running regimen or favorite local restaurants. These are questions that convey, “I’m interested in getting to know you. I’m not gathering information about your social status.” Staying in the present also means tolerating ambiguity, which is one of the challenges in the early stages of a romance, says psychologist Michelle Skeen, Psy.D., the author of Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. “You can’t know where a relationship is going on the first or fifth date,” she says. “You might not even know whether he or she is dating other people, and that lack of certainty can be very uncomfortable.” To handle the uncertainty, try to relax into the present moment as much as you can. After all, says Michelle, projecting into the future can lead you to overlook vital information that’s right in front of you, such as whether the other person shares your values. Amy Bastianelli, a 31-year-old clinical social worker in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, remembers a feeling of unease when she was dating her first husband. “I totally checklisted him,” she says, “from ‘Will he be a good provider?’ down to ‘Likes dogs.’ I’d read these studies that couples are most likely to be successful if they come from similar religious and socioeconomic backgrounds. That was true for us, and I wasn’t able to see beyond that to what was really important. Or, rather, I ignored my gut feeling that we weren’t aligned, that our relationship was completely and utterly devoid of any emotional or spiritual connection.” Try your best to put aside the spreadsheets and the crystal ball so you can tune into the vibe between you and the person with whom you’re sharing a cocktail, dinner or a hike. Pay attention to your feelings, Ken says. Do you feel pleasure? Warmth? Is there a sense of fun? Do you feel inspired? Unsafe? Criticized? Do you like who you are in the presence of this person? Does he or she bring out your best self? Be Your True, Vulnerable Self Many of us are striving to provide “perfectly sculpted responses” as we text, message or get together with new dates, Ken says. “But there’s got to be this feeling of essential comfort, and you won’t get to that if you’re trying to be polished and perfect.” That’s what Amy believed when she decided to try dating through the new MeetMindful app after her marriage collapsed. “I was determined to not filter myself, to not think about what I should and shouldn’t say,” she says. On her profile, she wrote that she was a single mom looking for intimacy, friendship and a deep spiritual connection. The night before her first date with Eric McKinley, a Philadelphia public defender, she texted him that she was nervous because she hadn’t been on a date in the nine years since she’d met her ex-husband. “That’s something I never would have shared with my ex,” Amy says. In fact, her first date with her ex-husband had been an uneasy one. “I remember thinking, ‘Should I order salad or a steak? What would each say about me?’ It was this ‘other-izing’ of myself, trying to see myself as he would see me.” With Eric, there was none of that. From the beginning, “I was not at all self-conscious,” she says. “I was completely comfortable around him.” The proof: on their first date, Amy ordered crab nachos and a beer. “That was what I wanted and I didn’t care what impression I made or how messy the nachos would be.” In late October, 10 months after they met, Amy and Eric wed in New Orleans before a small group of friends and family. “It keeps getting better,” she says of their relationship. Still, staying true to herself requires vigilance. “To this day, I will sometimes relapse. I need to be mindful of not trying to be who I think Eric wants me to be.” Take, for example, when he asks, “Do you want the charred Brussels sprouts?” and she says yes. “He’ll look at me and say, ‘Really? What’s going on with you?’ And he’s right. I don’t want the Brussels sprouts,” Amy laughs. “It’s a reminder that Eric fell in love with the real crab-nacho me, and that’s who I’m going to be.” Finally, Ken offers this tip: “When you’re feeling enthusiastic about someone, let yourself show it,” he says. “Once you make the choice that you’re only going to date people with whom you can be yourself, you protect yourself from jerks, you speed up the process and you give yourself permission to take pleasure in savoring the rich moments of connection.” Read more: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.

Woman hunched over with a bird on her back

Podcast

Dealing with Depression with Brent Williams

New Zealand native Brent Williams was a successful human rights attorney when a debilitating illness halted his career. The depression that overtook him not only ended his career, but also destroyed relationships with friends and family. In his new graphic novel, Out of the Woods, he chronicles his personal journey through depression while also sharing self-help strategies and some of the latest research on depression. What you'll learn in this episode: How keeping a journal can help with depression When to ask for help How to help friends and family members who struggle with depression and anxiety Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Purchase his book Out of the Woods: A Journey Through Depression and Anxiety. Download a free sample of his book.

Self-Care

Ask Stacy: How Can I Feel Happier for Other People’s Success?

Obstacles and conflict inevitably get in the way of our happiness, especially when it comes to relationships. I developed this advice column to help Live Happy readers overcome these stumbling blocks. I look forward to hearing from more of you soon at AskStacy@livehappy.com. Hi Stacy, How do you become genuinely happy for someone else who is doing well? I hate that I lack this quality. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, wondering if it’s jealousy, envy, frustration.... It’s definitely something I want to change. —Konnie Dear Konnie, You have correctly figured out the emotional layers behind what you are feeling. The good news is that any feeling that is caused by our own internal issues is easiest to change. The emotional reaction you are having is likely caused by feelings of inadequacy, negative thinking or a need to shift your focus. If your reactions are coming out of feelings of inadequacy, ask yourself what kind of judgments you may have internalized. Are you comparing yourself to others? Are your needs going unmet, or is your life filled with disappointment? Do you think that you have less than you deserve? If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, work on the underlying issues and try to find some appreciation and gratitude for the good things in your life. When you are experiencing negative thoughts about people who are doing well, take time to reframe and focus on positive ones instead. Are these people deserving of good things? Have they worked hard? Have they had their share of challenges already? Focus on the reasons you should be happy for them. Perhaps you are too busy thinking about what other people have instead of investing time and energy in your own life? Ask yourself if you are feeling envious because the other person is doing well and you are not. You might want to begin to set goals to improve your life so that you, too, can be happy and fulfilled. Hi Stacy, My wife and I are huge fans. We have been married for more than nine years, and I have lied to her about spending money on items that we don’t need. I have been selfish, and I hate where our marriage is right now. I want to fix our marriage, and any advice would be very much appreciated. —Jasen Dear Jasen, Conflict over finances in a marriage is very common. Rarely is a couple on the same page about how much to save, spend, donate, etc. I would recommend that all couples work out agreements over basic financial decisions before they merge finances. My hunch is that you and your wife have not done that yet, and as a result, you have felt the need to lie to her about spending money on unnecessary items. The good news is that you realize you made a mistake and want to improve yourself and your marriage. It is never too late to try to make changes and to heal the errors of your past. Schedule a time to sit down with your wife. Start by telling her how much you love her and that you deeply regret some of the ways that you have behaved when it comes to finances. The best apologies not only include the official “I’m sorry,” but also involve taking responsibility for what you have done and making a commitment that this behavior will not continue. Then discuss how you will move forward with your finances.You say you spend money on items that you don’t need, but maybe you want to have the freedom to do some of that. Many couples I know have a budget that allows them to spend a small amount frivolously and without permission. I give you a lot of credit for trying to improve your behavior and your relationship. Hopefully, the two of you can move forward in a closer and more honest way. Hi Stacy, My husband is not a communicator. He does talk with me, but he does not communicate his feelings. He is a good, hard-working man, and he provides all the basics. He buys me gifts on my birthday and anniversary and if he travels for work, he brings me a souvenir from the airport. This may sound as if I am a bad person, but I don’t really care about these airport souvenirs. He also barbecues my favorite steak on Sunday nights. While this is very kind of him, I would much prefer the occasional “I love you” or kind word. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but do you have any advice on how I might get him to express his love for me? —Gloria Dear Gloria, Your letter describes a common issue that a lot of couples face. It sounds like you and your husband have different ways of expressing your love and affection. If your definition of communicating requires verbal feedback, then I can see why you think he is not much of a communicator.That said, based on what you have written, your husband is communicating. His style is through giving gifts and cooking for you, instead of expressing how he feels with kind words and I love you’s. I suggest you make a list of the ways he shows you he loves you and cares about you—using nonverbal communication. I believe you’ll see he is more loving and attentive than you realize. Then, in a quiet moment, talk with him about how much it would mean to you if he would begin to express verbally how he feels about you. Let him know that you appreciate the gestures he is already making but that a kind word or two would be incredibly meaningful. We want to hear from you! Send your happiness questions toaskstacy@livehappy.com. Read more: Ask Stacy: Expert Tips for a Happy Life Stacy Kaiseris a Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is the author ofHow to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know,and editor at large forLive Happy. As a former weekly advice columnist forUSA Todaywith more than 100 appearances on major networks, including CNN, FOX and NBC, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.